FELIX!FREE! ANTICLIMAX! THE LATEST IMPERIAL NEWS ISSUE 1523•FRIDAY 22 JUNE•KEEP THE CAT FREE

LAST ISSUE OF TERM! (IF YOU SEE IT, IT’S PROBABLY MADE UP)

WILL SMITH RETURNS TO UNEXPECTED! ETHOS FOR ‘LEGITIMATE EXERCISE’

BLUNDER!

WEDDING FELIX! EDITOR-ELECT OOFF THETHE YEAR!YEAR! BURNS DOWN OFFICE – ‘THE‘THE LAWNLAWN ISIS BACKBACK AANDND WWE’REE’RE FFEELINGEELING GGREAT!REAT!’ DOORS!

The SECRET is out! Rector TELLS ALL! Queen’s Tower EXPECTING marquees! LIBRARY ENTRANCES HOW MANY IS TOO MANY? 2 FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012

SERIOUS! EVERYONE REJOICES ONE LAST THING... AS CLASSIFIEDS END I’ll keep it brief. It’s been fun! Rooms available for rent in Earls and laundering services on your door Court step. Beyond that, forgive me for trans- One double bedroom for one person Sharing with two other mature and forming Felix into something a lit- in a fl atshare at £145/pw available responsible postgraduate students, for rent in Earls Court, including all bills the room comes with a double bed, tle trashier for one week only. But except water and internet. wardrobe and study desk. hey, what can I say? It’s the end of Conveniently located, 20 minutes Clean and tidy housemates pre- walk to Imperial College, 1 minute ferred. NO PETS AND NO SMOKERS. term… walk to Earls Court tube station, 3 min- For viewing or more info please But all of my thanks go to every- utes walk to local supermarkets plus a contact email joe.fang.zhou@gmail. one on this year’s Felix team. Be- wide range of pubs/bars, restaurants com. yond all doubts, it’s been thanks to you and your boundless enthusiasm ! that we’ve been able to go to print This year FELIX has been... every week. The Friday highs, the Wednesday night lows, and every- Applying like mad to the Business School after Deciding against moving into Clayponds after they started giving out free iPads to their stu- hearing that it’s closing. thing else in between, it’s been a dents. Excited about avoiding even more lectures, journey that’s also been a privilege Laughing as UCL thinks that moving away and catching up on sleep, as lecture podcasts to share with you. from the honours system and towards GPAs become a reality. There have been some great sto- will make anyone think they’re good. Com- Swaggering down the newly opened Exhibi- mendable effort though. tion Road with Boris Johnson in tow. ries to work on, and some that I’m Drunk after hearing about the Union’s new Still buzzing from the euphoria of live blogging sure next year’s Editor – Tim – will bar policy, and so just purchasing a keg the old TEDx and Varsity. continue to survey with a keen eye. fashioned way (Internet). Grinding out an even bigger sex survey. Anyway, enough of that, onto the Accidentally broke some speakers when we Punk-rocking with Johnny Rotten, completely latest Imperial gossip. I didn’t real- misinterpreted what “better feedback” actu- accidentally. ally meant. Shrugging at the Guardian’s new league ta- ise the other national papers were Shocked by the sudden, heavily opposed, plans bles. joining us in providing some laugh- to change the Holland Club. Sleeping during Council meetings. Seriously. ter in the news, I mean, O-Levels, that’s a great one! (Wait, sorry, SERIOUS! that’s not a joke? Oh.) RECREATIONAL CLUBS COMMITTEE AWARDS 2012 –Editor The Recreational Clubs Committee Carla Canturri – Synchronised Swim- Simon Evans – Fellwanderers A much greater magnitude of rec- present the following awards: ming Yue Chin Chew – Knitsock ognition, awarded for efforts, usu- Caz Yang – Gaming Zachary Smith – War Games ally over a number of years, beyond RCC Club of the Year Derfogail Delcassian – Canoe Approved by the RCC Colours Com- those expected of an individual within Felix Editor called Synchronised Swimming Giulia Grimaldi – Underwater mittee 15 June 2012. RCC Clubs & Societies. before Leveson Jim Carr – Fellwanderers for crimes against RCC Fellowship Leonard How – Mahjong RCC Merit: Awarded for achieve- RCC Fellowship: Shall only be Afandi Darlington – Gliding Luke Bacon – Underwater ments, commitment or social prowess awarded to those individuals who journalism, Matthew Lees – Mountaineering of an individual. have served RCC Clubs & Societies Page 76 RCC Distinguished Service Award or the RCC Exec extensively, and Chris Mark – Fellwanderers RCC Merit RCC Colours: Awarded for efforts enhanced the student experience in Clare Tan – Caving Andrew Wilkins – Mountaineering above and beyond those expected an exceptional manner, over a num- James Carver – Snooker Anthony Hartley – Underwater of a persons’ role or to individuals ber of years. It is not anticipated that Jonathan Westoby – Gliding Gavin MacAulay – Fellwanderers who have given signifi cant and re- there will be nominees of suffi cient Nathaniel Bottrell – Fellwanderers Hari Arora – Snooker peated outstanding contributions to standard for this to be given each Hiu Yan Lam – LINKS the student experience within RCC year. Each individual, so awarded, RCC Colours Nathan Scrivens – Pilots Clubs & Societies throughout the year. will be given a pewter tankard with Boris Korzh – Outdoor Savan Shah – LINKS RCC Distinguished Service Award: the year engraved.

Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. Email: [email protected]. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. Printed by Iliffe Print Cambridge, Winship Road, Cambridge.Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711. Copyright © Felix 2012. Editor-in-Chief Matthew Colvin Editor-in-Prowling Timor A–Ha–babzadah Deputy Editor Sir Charles Betts Esq. News Editors Sophia David Alex Nowbar Reporter Aemun “The Firecracker” Reza Features Editors Katy could-do-Betterany Stephen Smith Sport Editor Indy “LeTwerp” Leclercq Sports Rookies Gabriel Oppetit Johnny Wong Science Editors Kelly Oakes Alexander “24 Kara Gold” Karapetian Business & Finance Editors Will not-so-fresher Prince Deepka Rana Politics Editors Rajat Jain Joe “Danger” Letts Tech- nology Editors Chris “who?” Bowers Feroz Salam the Badman Comment Editors Tim Arbabzadah Samuel Horticulture Arts Editors Will Prince Eva Rosenthal Music Editors Mark England Ross Gray Simon Hunter Íñigo Martínez De Rituerto Alex Ramadan Fashion Editors Saskia Verhagen Alice Yang Television Editors George Barnett James Simpson Film Editors John Park Lucy Wiles Games Editor Laurence Pope Books Editor Maciej Matuszewski Food Editors Anastasia Eleftheriou Michael Krestas Travel Editors Dushi Arumuganesan Chris Richardson Online Editors Philip Kent Jonathan Kim Puzzles Admiral Jimmy Hook-Up Photo Editor Miles Robertson Photographer Slobodan Radosavljevic Copy Editors Carol Ann Cheah Philip Kent Jonathan Peek Annina Sartor Online Copy Editor and General Person Jack Hewitt Chairman Kadhim “could you f*** off now please? Shubber FELIX! SOLD 1,262,732,879,234,911,128,086,570,344,000 COPIES LAST WEEK!* *SOURCE: SCRIBBLES ON THE BACK OF MY NOTEPAD, YESTERDAY FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 3 IMPERIAL gossip

NUDE! GOSSIP! SHOCK! GASP! FILTH!

WHEN SABBATICAL OFFICERS GO REALLY BAD! ‘NOTHING CAN COVER OUR UNION BAR NUDE SHAME’ UNION PRESIDENT SCOTT HEATH REVEALS DARK SECRET SHAME AFTER Sponsored Editorial SABB PHOTOGRAPHS LEAK More student cuts mperial Union President Scott Heath actions of the Sabbatical Offi cers, rep- Discount haircuts for Imperial Ihas come clean to FELIX! over the rimanding their behavior in the millenia- “burning shame” of his sabbatical old bar with such biting criticisms as “un- team after they were caught fully nude ruly”, “it actually made me throw up a students at Fresh Hairdressers in the Union Bar on Monday engaging little”, and “what’s a Sabbatical?” in activities that we don’t particularly Scott Heath set forward with the brunt More student cuts for Imperial To book an appointment, students at South Kensington’s call 0207 823 8968. Ask for a want to think about. of apologies to disturbed members of FRESH Hairdressers. student discount and bring your Comments that it was “just for a cen- the College community, claiming that it Men’s cuts £22 Imperial ID. trefold” were swiftly rubbished as “bu- was a “mistake” and “[the Sabbaticals] Women’s shampoo and cut and shake dry £28 reaucratic excuses” by no-one in par- all feel very ashamed with our uncon- Women’s shampoo, cut and ticular. trollable behavior. I can’t deny that it blow-dry £38 Despite vociferous replies from the felt good though!” All of our cuts are done by Union over the purported attendance Next year’s President, Paul Beaumont, highly experienced stylists. Tuesday to Fridays 9.30 to of the FELIX! Editor himself following was contacted by FELIX! for a comment, 4.30 (sorry no discounts on leaked photographs, our lawyers simply but it was exclusively revealed that he Saturdays). had only one word to say: Photoshop. has fl ed the country in an attempt to We are only 70 metres from The two people vaguely aware of the distance himself from this sordid tale South Kensington tube station Union’s work were swift to admonish the ahead of his upcoming position. 4 FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 IMPERIAL gossip NEW EDITOR FIRES EVERYONE In an act reminiscent of the traditions of countless maniacal dictators, next year’s FELIX! Editor, the incorrigible and unpronounceable Tim Arbabza- fired! dah, has fi red the entire editorial staff, with the changes coming into effect right now. The tyrant commented to FELIX! on the monumentous decision “I just want a fresh start, you know? Man’s got work to do.”

PARK SCANDAL: KATY COULD-DO-BETTERANY REPORTS

ournalists in court is a common sight nowadays; but FELIX! never imagined the day that one of Jits own editors would take the stand. The self-styled John “White Ribbon” Park, who is currently standing trial for the alleged stalking of leading lady Madeline Stowe, 53, was today rocked by allegations of illiteracy, as part of an exposé detailed in The Telegraph. Park, whose reputation is already in tatters, was arrested in 2011 after he was caught lurking outside Stowe’s Mayfair apartment. The star of popular US drama Revenge, alleges that she had been obsessively followed for several months prior to the arrest by an unknown male, as well as be- ing sent explicit letters and photographs. “I feared for my life – wherever I went, he was there. I’m a lady who is used to admirers, but I knew that this was something different – something more sinister.” Of course, Park’s rampant lust for the older woman is no secret – his recent fi lm reviews have been strewn with the idolatry of stars such as Charlize Theron. Some students will also be aware of the many accusations regarding dalliances with certain senior female lecturers that surround the trou- bled young editor. It was sometime after his arrest in September that undercover journalists from The Telegraph started secretly monitoring his private correspondence. In a shocking twist of events, it has been revealed that Park, far from being the talented editor the College thought they knew, would struggle to differentiate a punctuation colon from his own colon (a claim further substantiated by his lack of talent in his chosen fi eld, medicine.) His command of the English language, described by The Tel- egraph’s inside men as “dismal”; has been largely covered up by his co-editor, copy editors and the use of spell-check. The deception, already being described as “the cover-up of the decade”, will come as no surprise to people close to Park. We asked a family friend, who opted to remain anonymous, for a reaction. “To be honest, I didn’t even know he spoke English. He edits which paper?” With reports of ‘Bully- ing in the Workplace’ allegations also made against him, it is clear that Park is in for a rocky few months. Park was today unavailable for comment, but sources close to him have speculated that if found guilty, he will use the inevitable custodial time to enroll himself on an English course.

RECTOR PIES HIMSELF SILLY

ector (or should that be President & Rector? Help me out Rhere I’m genuinely confused) Sir Keith O’Nions was the centre of yet another minor pie-based scandal last week- end, after attempting to pie himself in the face in front of a small party of alumni. “I took inspiration from RAG when they pied me the other month. If they can raise awareness through such a simple act, why can’t I?” The alumni present at this fi ctional event were large- ly unimpressed. “I prefer it when he just makes small talk with us. Anyway, I’m basically allergic to pastry, so I’m doubly underwhelmed. I literally could’ve broken out into a mild rash.” FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 5 IMPERIAL gossip WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

he rise and fall of the great and glamorous ap- WAN–TED! Tpears to not escape Imperial. Former Felix Editor Dan Wan has been found to be nothing more than a common plate thief. He admitted to ‘like, nicking everyone on my fl oor’s plates in halls. That was the old me though, I’m now a changed man. I’m like Chris Brown, except without my Twit- ter account being hacked”. It seems the ‘boy from Watford’ can’t escape his past though. It’s been claimed that he has been seen at the BBC working on documentaries, in disguise with a moustache. The bigger crime is how unsuit- able such facial hair is on him. Pyschologists that we pretended we would pay and then didn’t told us that the plate theft may be kleptomania, sexual deviancy, or that he was just hungry and had lost his plates. Last year’s Editor Kadhim Shubber is still here, damn. THE NEW GLAMVISING CRAZE IN THE LIBRARY

Let’s face it: you go to Imperial, the world’s nerdiest university. Likely chances are that you’re either revising, or revising. So where are you going to meet your one true love? Im- perial College Library of course! The new art of ‘Glamvising’ encourages its fol- lowers to ditch the trackies and bed head and get your glam on! It’s no longer just about getting the grades, it’s about PARMAR PARS OLYMPICS getting the girl or guy. Students can be seen with enough make-up to ontroversy has erupted after ousted Deputy make an Oompa-Loompa cry and CPresident (Education) Jason Parmar bought dressing up for a night on the town. every single Olympic Games ticket on sale. It It’s the way to make sure you look spells embarrassment for the UK as the seats will be empty, except for Jason and his ‘many friends’. your best for when you’re achieving It is expected that a maximum of three seats at your best. Although, as this is Impe- each event may be fi lled, with two being his parents. rial, it’s likely your best is a low 2:1. This isn’t his fi rst shame. Many will not remember “lol, A new craze that is sure to change the PAR-gate” earlier this year, but it still happened, face of Imperial (or at least make and someone probably cared or something. It is thought that his entire salary has been it look better). Be sure to ploughed into the purchases, with Ja- catch on quick, other- son himself saying “I really wanted wise you’ll end up as beach volleyball fi nal tickets, ‘that person’ who falls turned out I accidentally bought asleep and wakes up them for the men’s fi nal. Will probably still get good use with paper stuck out of the binoculars though.” to their face. Well, it seems as though he Gross. must love his legroom! 6 FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 Science Editors: Kelly Oakes IMPERIAL SCIENCE Alexander “24 Kara Gold” Karapetian [email protected] EXCLUSIVE: EVERYTHING CAUSES CANCER EU FIRES BILLIONS INTO SPACE

While working class people across Europe strug- research paper obtained by FELIX! entists who thought that instead of caus- gle against harsh austerity measures, European AScience in advance of publication ing cancer, everything might in fact pre- bureaucrats have handed a billion euros to aca- in an academic journal proves that go- vent cancer. The debate between these demics at elitist institutions such as Oxford to ing about your daily life increases your two academic factions has been ongo- go on a jolly to Jupiter. While youth unemploy- chances of getting cancer. The research, ing for some years. Experts say that this ment is over 50% in Greece and Spain, European led by Professor Liam Yliad in the De- research paper will put an end to that, governments have shown themselves to be as partment of Medicine, Imperial College and will allow scientists to concentrate on down-to-earth as ever by sending money into London, shows that being alive is the sin- fi nding a cure. space rather than addressing problems faced by gle biggest risk factor for cancer. The challenge now for scientists is to their own people. “It’s astonishing,” said Professor Yliad. work out how this research can be ap- “I was looking through the data, and plied to cure cancer once and for all. time and time again I saw it. Every sin- “We’ve shown that being alive is the ul- LICENSE TO SPILL gle patient in our sample that had been timate cause of cancer,” says Professor diagnosed with cancer had been alive Yliad. “So now, the hunt is on to fi nd a The latest weapon in the arsenal of ineffectual at the time of their diagnosis – some for preventative measure that could reduce tools for cleaning up oil spills in fragile marine many years.” that risk factor for people who have yet ecosystems comes from nanotechnology. Scien- The news will come as a blow to sci- to show signs of cancer development.” tists in the US say that once once an oil spill oc- curs, polluters can deploy a new wonder sponge that will quickly mop up any oily mess. With their new carbon nanosponge, oil can be soaked up, squeezed out, stored or simply burnt off, MICKEY ON MERCURY almost anything in fact, other than bring back to life the plant and animal species that soaked up the oil in the fi rst place.

BE BETTER WITH BEER everal reports have shown that moderate drinking Sof wine can have health benefi ts due to the anti- oxidants available within. Recently, researchers from the British Esteemed Ethanol Recommendation Society (BEERS) established that these health benefi ts extend to beer. Their study showed that the welcoming atmosphere of a pub added to the health benefi ts, citing a 40% decrease in antisocial behaviour. On why these results have only just surfaced, Dr Hofstadter told FELIX!: “well it always takes longer than you expect”. Moderate beer consumption can reduce the risk of stomach ulcers and contrary to reports from the Daily Mail, can lower risk of cancer by protecting against Helicobacter pylori. UCL have confi rmed that there is no link between the amount of beer consumed and obesity, eliminating the beer belly myth. Since beer is rich in silicon, studies have shown that not only does it help strengthen bones, but it also protects against osteoporosis. A study of 5,000 Britons showed that more than one pint of beer a day reduced the risk of developing type 2 diabetes. Poly- phenols, found in beer, cut levels of cholesterol and are also effective in combating breast cancer. The scientists also found that a bottle a day cut risks of kidney stones by 40% due to the diuretics found within. Beer consti- tutes over 20% of the daily recommended fi bre intake, Craters that bear an uncanny resemblence to Mickey Mouse were spotted on serving as one of your fi ve-a-day. Though the benefi ts the planet Mercury by NASA’s Messenger probe, the fi rst spacecraft to visit the of antioxidants in darker ales have shown a reduction in planet. The photo shows an area close to the Magritte crater where daytime the risk of cataracts, they warn that excessive consump- temperatures soar to a frazzling 400°C and dip as low as -200°C at night. tion has seemingly led to short term visual and mental impairment and should be avoided.

8 FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 Tech Editors: Chris “who?” Bowers IMPERIAL TECHNOLOGY Feroz Salam the Badman [email protected] NEW MICROSOFT TABLET: SURFACE omment sections across the internet were ablaze Clast night with fl ame wars between Apple and Mi- crosoft fanboys. Not a constructive point was in sight as Microsoft’s new tablet surfaced. Accusations of one company copying another sparked arguments about whether magnets sticking to each other is a new inven- tion, and occasionally someone would mention some sort of “Android”. The Surface is no longer a touch-screen table – oh no – now it’s a normal-sized tablet. Well, it’s two tablets. There’s a slower, lighter one, and a powerful, more expensive one, both running the must-have operating system of 2012 – Windows 8. With its screen cover/keyboard that comes in fi ve MICROSOFT SURFACE different colours, the Surface is guaranteed to always match your outfi t and home decor, and that alone makes it the gadget of the year. PRICE: Unknown We many not know how much it’s going to cost, or RELEASE DATE: Unknown when it’s being released, but who cares when it’s either KEYBOARD: Cool thinner than an iPad or more powerful than a Trans- former Prime on steroids? EXCITEMENT FACTOR: When this does arrive in stores, you’d better make sure you buy one, or you’re going to look so last year. WOW! Wait, did you just ask if Apple should be scared of this? You mean like they were scared of the Zune? Just one more addition to Microsoft’s Yawn... masterpieces

Shut up and take my money, Microsoft

I would probably buy one just to put two fi ngers up to smug, Windows 8 being an “iPad killer”? Five predictably boring, words: So, good luck with that. “ pretentious Mac geeks

10 FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 vv Politics Editors: Joe “Danger” Letts IMPERIAL POLITICS Rajat Jain Rory Fenton [email protected] PRADA REVEALS NEW WMD RANGE MOONING FOR CAMERON BLING GOES BANG! FELIX! Politics saw David Cameron and Nick Clegg t an exclusive sell-out event in Paris, designer label Prada launched sneaking out of Metric last Saturday, leaving Aa new range of luxury weapons of mass destruction for the mod- their cabinet colleagues to mingle with ravers. ern dictator. The fashion label’s Head of Design said that the compa- “We just wanted some alone time, was that too ny was blazing a trail in new markets, “Last year it was diamond, this year is all about uranium 235”, he told a captivated audience of au- much to ask?” said Cameron when interviewed tocrats, terrorists and celebrity chefs. The new range includes surface by STOIC TV. Nick Clegg added his two drachma to air missiles (genuine Italian leather), nerve gas (cherry lipbalm fl a- to the conversation saying, “It’s so true! With voured) and for those with a more vintage taste, conventional nuclear our jobs, our families, our wives and our children weapons with specially treated fi ns for that retro, pre-launched look. taking up a large amount of time, we have very little time to develop our relationship. After all we’ve been through over the last few years, sometimes I just want to take David by the hand and let him know that it I support him in every choice and every failed pasty tax until election do we part.” However Cameron has recently been seen fl irting with the right wing of his party by our intrepid reporters, begging the question if David Cameron is as commit- ted to this partnership as Nick Clegg believes?

WHO SAID THAT?

Go f*ck yourself! Dick Cheney or Jimmy Carr? You’re a miserable pipsqueak of a man! Lord Sugar or MP Tom Watson? The only thing that’s bigger, quicker, more black and more up in London is a taxi! Boris Johnson or Tinie Tempah? I ball so hard motherf***ers wanna fi nd me!

Jay-Z or Julian Assange?

Answers: Use G Use Answers: OOGLE FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 11 IMPERIAL POLITICS

AN IMPERIAL INSIDER SPECIAL!

t is a truth universally interox mena, deme qui troris. engorged appen- consimuntum, quo ius, muntum, quo ius, diemus Iacknowledged, es- pra, non tuam ace pub- dix forisua cum seresigilic diemus noctus tes sena- noctus tes senatudet, st sendaciis omneme culum lis, num, ca consim iam mggfgfdg tudet, st auciemperei sus auciemperei sus Castroris. mo con dessoliae factum atalinam prit adductus, fgdsgfdgfdgfdgfgg so Castroris. Ritelicae actod Ritelicae actod forisua sentua re quam Rommod nos vicaventiam coena- BVBVBVMae, essendaciis forisua cum seresigilic me cum seresigilic me non- fi t? Ahalabi inte popo- tum ines veri fac rebere omneme culum mo con nonsum fachuit achuidi sum fachuit achuidi sa pon sussimus? quod fuem adem, nonsum unihil huci dessoliae more animal sa esimpri talinum aurni- esimpri talinum aurnihi- fachint erfecri buscerei sendemplicto tatque than man sentua re quam hinatam tamque tasdam natam tamque tasdam pris host publis, unum crem inpro inici senati, Rommod fi t? Ahalabi pat, quem. Torei sendi pat, quem. Torei sendi opossidi, ora, nossendit. consum occiem opublia inte popopon sussimus? supio defenestrated hil hil supio enterio consul hil hil Sulem. Serfex mo nostem neque poerfi n tem tam. quod fuem fachint erfecri hiliu quem in te clegiliure hiliu quem in te clegiliure clertum. Catemponum ad Awkwardly positioned buscerei pris host publis, patqui impliae, Palabi patqui impliae, Palabi furox mereste, nonover against the fossilised sloth inaridio, serur. Si et? inter- inaridio, serur. Si et? ex- vivit. An dis, ut isus con- Mis contu que audam re ox mena, deme qui pra, n aminer mena, deme qui stror la nos plicit am, se abem, oris. M. mur que “General outrage pink BVBVBVMae, essendaciis pra, n BVBVBVMae, es- dinatus; nonsineri con- iaed moverid esciam im omneme culum mo con sendaciis omneme culum die o vercepos M. Dum omnihil caussit. Num hic diamond lemon sau- dessoliae factum votes re mo con dessoliae factum iam, cotilnesidi publicaec vividiticae, cepondesse sage ryvita entangled quam Rommod fi t? Ahal- sentua re quam Rommod virta nu et quem notam permaio vidin hum si tissues” abi inte popopon sus- fi t? Ahalabi inte popo- pordie aucibultu in vatis, tebem, morudesciis com- simus? quod fuem fachint pon sussimus? quod fuem consimuntum, quo ius, nitabus postia vast poent? erfecri buscerei pris host fachint erfecri buscerei diemus noctus tes turkey Ad sim dem perfi t.Catem- unum opossidi, ora, n publis, unum opossidi, pris host lack of corrobo- baster, st auciemperei sus ponum Family Bargain However, Serfex mo ora, nossendit. rating evidence publis, Castroris. Ritelicae actod Bucket vivit. An dis, ut isus nostem clertum. Catem- Sulem. Serfex mo nostem unum opossidi, ora, nos- forisua cum seresigilic me constror la nos plicit am, ponum ad furox mereste, clertum. Catemponum ad sendit. nonsum fachuit achuidi sa se dinatus; nonsineri con- nonover vivit. An dis, ut furox mereste, nonover Sulem. Serfex mo nos- esimpri talinum aurnihina- die o vercepos M. Dum isus constror la nos plicit vivit. An dis, ut isus con- tem clertum. Catem- tam tamque tasdam pat, iam, cotilnesidi publicaec am, se dinatus; nonsineri stror la nos plicit am, se ponum ad furox quem. Torei sendi supio virta nu et quem notam condie o vercepos M. dinatus; nonsineri condie mereste,gfgfgfggegiliure enterio consul hil hil hiliu pordie aucibultu in vatis, Dum iam, cotilnesidi pub- o vercepos “wingardium patqui impliae, Palabi quem in te a week’s sup- consimuntum, quo ius, die- licaec virta nu et quem leviosa!” publicaec virta inaridio, serur. Si et? in- ply of toothpaste, Palabi mus noctus tes senatudet, notam aggresively rear- nu et quem notam pordie inaridio, serur. Si et? st auciemperei sus Cas- ranged aucibultu in vatis, aucibultu in vatis, consi- Scott free!

THE QUEEN’S LAWN’S NEW LOOK!

The Queen's Lawn its rival’s new look. she's laid.” looks revitalised this Prince's Gardens was Would you like to month, although ru- overheard yesterday emulate the Queen’s mours say artifi cial rustling, "I can't be- Lawn’s new look? Here surgery was involved. lieve the cheek of the at Felix Gossip we can The QL looks so much QL! Not only has it had give you a few tips! younger and rejuve- a turf lift but I think it's nated this week and it also had its tower en- 1. Wear bold colours! hasn't gone unnoticed. largened! Then again Go for a turquoise or a Sources say the Beit I'm not surprised, she's forest green. Quad is in a sour mood not exactly been fussy 2. Grass is the new cot- after hearing about about which marquees ton! 12 FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 Comment Editors: Sam Horticulture IMPERIAL COMMENT Timor A-Ha-babzadah [email protected] ASK MATT COLVIN WRITE FOR FELIX!

Dear Matt. This term, and indeed year, is coming to an end both academi- I’ve been having a lot of problems recently.ently. cally and for Felix. Firstly I’d like I feel like my bachelor days are over! WhenWhen to just say congratulations to I watch Made in Chelsea I just somehoww ffeeleel Matt for a great year of Felix. that I’m missing out. What do women likelike iinn a His pro- fessionalism man? Looking forward to your reply! and un- fl apabble Love, nature un- Charlie B der pressure are admirable. I’m looking forward to next year Dear Charlie, and hope you are two. If you want to get involved in any way, then First of all, thank you so much for feel free to get in contact with your ‘excellent work as Deputy Editorr and me, or just stop me if you see me thoroughly deserved Union Colours’. walking around campus (to fi nd me, To answer your question: it’s very hard.ard. Con-Con- look at roughly eye level, then turn cerns must at least be considered. I’d saysay youryour your gaze down about a foot). If you best bet is to fi nd a way to get yourselflf intointo want to be an editor, writer, illustra- the Telegraph. One hastily written articleicle deep tor, photographer, layout designer, on their website and BOOM – you’ll bee fi ghtingghting or copy editor (if you noticed and them off with a stick! Maybe. were annoyed by the use of “two” instead of “too” earlier then this one’s for you). All you have to do Matt is say you’re interested and there will defi nitely be something for you Dear Matt, to do. It’s a great break from writ- ing lab reports (honestly), and may I’ve been told that I get too even help improve them. Or, you “aggro” when I’m drunk. know, you could just use the offi ce What can I do to rectify it? for free tea and coffee. Is it just my Essex routes – Tim Arbabzadah coming through? I’m going abroad next year and am worried I’ll acciden- tally have a racist friend get NEXT WEEK... me in trouble, what can I do? Dear Matt, Look forwad to the reply, W.P. I’m at a loss. I use tumblr every second of the day and still nobody listens to anything I say. My sex life is suffering. The other day I real- Dear W.P., ised that I can’t ejaculate unless I am think- ing of a gif of a 1930s black and white Be proud of your roots, cartoon. I fi nd myself at my desk tweeting but make sure to Instagram photos non stop and hoping LEAVE IT YEAH. for some retweets. To top this all off, my ironic moustache is way too thin!

Matt Please reply soon I’m at a loss, Allan Matthewson FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 13 IMPERIAL COMMENT THESIS CLAUS SUMMER CHILLING aybe your eyes were drawn to this arti- OneO of the things I’ve found weird at uni is summer Mcle because you thought there might be a plans. Instead of taking advantage of the long holi- spelling error in the title, or maybe not (shame ddays – and we’ll never get it as good as now, even if on you). Nevertheless, it must be clear to you we all become teachers – by going home, chilling on that I have not made an error but I am in fact a beach or just dossing somewhere and sleeping for referring to a small mascot, whose abode is that 3 months, there’s this weird obsession with do- of my humble PhD student desk. This said toy ing something productive (and by that I mean with is dressed in red with white trimmings and has the aim of improving your employment prospects). a look of geniality that becomes his patronly Being bombarded with info on the latest internships and how I position. However, having Thesis Claus on your should go into careers x, y or z is very nice, but when I’m 18, and desk does come with responsibility – for he is for all intents and purposes still a schoolboy (spring work at a bank making a list and checking it twice! being one example, with the application deadline before January) Maybe I invented Thesis Claus to remind my- shouldn’t be top of my priorities – enjoying my time at uni (hard self of the reward-driven nature of research as that may be) and just loving life whilst I can should be. Now a and how important it is to stay focused on a second year, I had to see my personal tutor about if I had any, and goal in order to get anywhere in life – (actual- if not, then why? I understood he was caring about what I want to ly I invented him as an excuse to sing do with my life, and the answer was ‘I’m 19, how do I know what Christmas carols in my head any I want to do for the next 40 years, I don’t even know what I want time of the year, but we will for tea tonight?’. It was McDonald’s in the end. stick with the former argu- Instead of having a holiday, my friends from halls etc. are ment). Indeed, research spending it at SocGen, Barclays and the like, or working in is hard work and the labs around the country (and at the poor excuse for research idea of completing a facilities they call UCL) and by not doing so, because I want thesis to a PhD stu- to go home, wake up at midday and just have a nice relaxing dent is as exciting as holiday before third year – which is what Summer Holidays Christmas is to a three are about – I’m somehow in the wrong. After turning 19 six year old. months before (and still an irresponsible teenager who isn’t So perhaps you are even that good at doing laundry or washing up, never mind a student who needs trying to solve/contribute to the fi nancial crisis or the world’s ideas for your own desk other pressing issues) the deadlines for half the internships mascot. A howling mon- key or an angry bird may had passed and I felt like I had missed a beat. But had I? Or is seem appropriate depend- my general reluctance to get a real job (and become a functional ing on how you feel about your member of society) something that student’s no longer have? Is my work, but perhaps it is better to choose time at Imperial just a stepping stone to one of the predefi ned ‘ca- something more conducive to productivity? That reers’ I get told about in weekly emails. I don’t know; I just want to said, mascots aren’t only for scientists. You could spend the summer playing FIFA and watching One Tree Hill (which is be a medical student who practices examina- apparently what I’ll be doing on graduation in two years now that tions on a teddy, or a business student present- I’m unemployable). I’m even doing an extra year at uni because I ing a pitch to a panel of plush toys. Maybe it’s don’t want to be part of the real world, so whilst I admire those not so bad having to face a soft critic once in a of us who already know what we want to do and when, I have to while to feel good about yourself. wonder: wouldn’t spending the summer lying on a beach (or just in bed waiting for mum to cook some dinner) be what we’re used – Anonymous to spending our holidays doing. Although, going on a rugby tour/ climbing trip/wandering around Montenegro would be nice as well. It’s the holidays, not a time to be doing anything of note really? Or is it? To be honest I’m not entirely sure if we are all just very career driven or driven into careers by other factors – the pressure to fi nd jobs, the horror of being unemployed or just ‘everyone else has, probably should’. I’m only 20 for God’s sake, I still enjoy pick and mix and laugh at fart jokes, am I really ready to kickstart my career/PhD or do I just want to go home/spend 2 weeks glued to a sunbed. I thought uni was all about the long holidays, occasional all-nighters, and just having fun whilst avoiding the real world and work, not desperately trying to fi nd it (and being a failure if you can’t/won’t). – Jack Hewitt 14 FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 Music Editors: Mark England Ross Gray Simon Hunter IMPERIAL MUSIC Alex Ramadan Íñigo Martínez De Rituerto [email protected] Diggidy Dawg! Felix Music Night

Last Saturday saw the return of Fe- lix Music Night for their fi nal party of the year and boy, was it a party. Things were kicked off with an uplift- ing jazz & bass set from Phrij. Accom- panying his selection, Gabor Kerekes shone the hynotic motion of oils, colours and washing up liquid swirling through each other through an old- school over-head projector (top).

This was followed by wonderful jazz musicianship of disco funk outfi t Spank Alley (middle), the brash and crass noise rock of trio Nipples (bot- tom) and the usual glorious insanity of Operation Midnight Climax.

With the line-up thus far reading like a night at a rather sordid bar, the fi rst representatives from the label headliners, XVI Records, stepped up. Evermean, DJ and MC, tore the place up playing the best in London’s recent bass and garage music surge. Running a bit behind schedule, the headline act for the night stepped up, fl own in from Luxembourg for one night only: Sunglitters. He took things down a notch with his beauti- ful, blissed-out and soulful electron- ica, weaving r&b samples through dizzying electronics. However the crowd began to itch for something to make them bounce and with that, up stepped My Panda Shall Fly who pro- ceeded to play a rip-roaring garage set, even including a little Craig Da- vid.

The night was a huge amount of fun, with most people leaving more than a little sweaty. The perfect sign-off for the Felix Music Nights this year.

Simon Hunter FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 15 IMPERIAL MUSIC

Kadhim’s last totally hot Zola Jesus album of the week Kitty Pryde Will Stocker interviews the American songstress haha im sorry 2012

ika Roza Danilova aka Zola Jesus is a young singer, songwriter from Wisconsin. At the age of only 23 she has released three EPs and three full-lengthN albums and also collaborated with some big names. After supporting Warpaint, the XX and Fever Ray on US So, this exists... By ‘this’ I mean haha im sorry, tours straight out of college she has since Kitty Pryde’s debut mixtape. Words truly fail me embarked on several of her own headline – ok, well maybe not entirely, but let’s not get tours playing gigs and festivals all over the meta here. Let’s imagine, for a horrifying mo- world and in the UK in 2011. This summer ment, that you teamed a tumblr tween up with she’s back making her only UK festival the guys behind Main Attrakionz. You’d end up appearance at Latitude Festival, Henham with lazy, hazy hip-hop beats (the type that de- Park, Suffolk (12-15 July). fine Clams Casino, A$AP Rocky, and, of course, Main Attrakionz) and a tumblr tween making you Will: Are you looking forward to com- facepalm about our future with her inane rap... ing back to the UK and playing Latitude Which would all be fine, we could just direct festival this year? anonymous vicious Internet hate in her general Nika: Yes, I haven’t been there in awhile direction and get on with our lives. But her music so it will be good to return. demands repeat listens. Her lyrical content says something eye-opening about the priorities of In- W: Does it feel like things have changed Zola Jesus’ third studio album, Conatus, is out now ternet-reared youngsters – Kitty Pryde is a inno- since the start of festival season last cent, bottom-lip-tattooed, cry for attention from year? kids who can afford Supreme but can’t afford to N: Honestly, I feel like they should have, N: My most recent tour of Scandinavia and been in the news lately. What are you let their guard down for one second. but I’ve been touring pretty much endless- Eastern Europe was blissful. I got to visit thoughts about the illegal download- And let’s be honest, the collaboration between ly since then so it also feels like I never so many interesting places. They had to ing of music and how do you feel it has the newest wave of hip-hop and white America’s really stopped. pretty much pry me from Finland, I didn’t changed the industry? Do you think it teen culture simply reflects the absolute ascend- want to leave! can it ever been seen as a good thing? ancy of hip-hop culture in the Western world – a W: What’s the gig/festival that really N: I think it’s a shame for the industry, all progression which can be seen to begin as far stands out for you in your career as be- W: How did you find it trying to make it those white men in suits, but I also think back as Public Enemy’s sell-out tour of the UK ing memorable? as an artist while still studying for your it’s inevitable. People are sneaky, they al- in the late 80s. N: My first UK tour was really a milestone. degree? Did you ever feel you wouldn’t ways have been! The Internet is the wild I’d go as far as to say that Kitty Pryde is one I was so naive and just doing things based be able to succeed in both? west, and even I can’t deny the charm of of the most self-aware artists to appear since on intuition, had no one really to guide me. N: It was extremely challenging. But I that. So I try not to be too judgmental. It the Millenium – her remix of Carly-Rae Jepsen’s I felt very courageous back then! knew I was going to succeed, I had to. just forces you to work harder. And when ‘Call Me Maybe’ is clearly a conscious recogni- There was no other option! It’s at those people do choose to support something, tion that some detractors will try to tar with the moments you pull from your stores of they fully commit. I meet many people “cheap pop” brush. Ignore the haters, Kitty, keep “My most recent tour of blinding dedication and just push through. rolling. W: After playing with M83 and Orbital, “The internet is the wild If you’re struggling with this column, feel free to Scandinavia and East- are their any other big collaborations Google “trolling”. Alternatively, tweet me @kadhim- planned? west, and even I can’t shubber with complex comparisons between Kitty ern Europe was blissful. N: There are other things I’m working on. Pryde and Aung Suu Kyi. If you’re struggling with They had to pretty much deny the charm of that” that comparison, tweet @kttydothedishes and ask W: Is it true your first album was re- her to Google Aung Suu Kyi for you... Either way, pry me from Finland” corded in your apartment? If so, is it this is my last column ever. It’s been fun. Thank strange now having to record in big stu- at my shows who come up to me with my you for indulging me, and letting me pretend I dios? entire discography, down to the limited know anything about music... N: Hah, I’m still recording in my apart- edition seven inches of only 100 copies. W: Who do you see as being your biggest ment! As much as I fantasize about the People that truly believe in what you are musical influences? Have the people you idea of walking into a big posh studio and doing will continue to support you no mat- listen to and get influenced by changed making a record like that, it’s just not how ter what. much over the last few years? I work. Maybe one day, but I’m too much N: Being a music fan and a musician are of a control freak right now. W: How did you get your stage name? two completely disparate things for me. N: I made it up when I was young, with- I listen to music avidly but never from a W: Are you pleased with the response out a purpose for it until I started making standpoint of “this is what I want to sound you have got from your first few al- music. like”. You need to trust what’s inside of bums? Have you started work on any you and let that come out organically, new material? never let other’s experiences and creativity N: I’m always working on new material. Zola Jesus plays along with other huge acts inform your own. But after Conatus, I feel like I owe it to my such as Bon Iver, Elbow, Paul Weller and insides (and outsides) to put reset on the many more at Latitude Festival, Henham W: What have been your favorite tours whole thing for a bit. Park, Suffolk (12-15 July). With tickets at that you’ve done so far? Any bands you’ve just £175 for the weekend I know what I’m particularly enjoyed playing with? W: Torrent downloading websites have going to be doing in summer... 16 FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 Film Editors: John Park IMPERIAL FILM Lucy Wiles fi [email protected] RETURN OF THE QUEEN

Madonna is threatening a comeback to the fi lm in- dustry after her latest passion project W.E. fl o p p e d both critically and fi nancially. She has already penned her semi-autobiographical feature Cou- gars Unite: Never Try Settling and is looking for suitable actresses to come together to form an ensemble romantic-comedy. “This chapter of my life means so much to me. And I don’t feel there are enough fi lms out there to represent women of a certain age. But hopefully my new fi lm will change that.” Jennifer Lopez is currently the front-runner to be cast in a top-billed role, with Diane Kruger, Kate Winlset, Eva Longoria and Caroline Flack also in consideration. GAY SUPERHEROES NOT SO G’DAY MATE With recent revelations confi rming rumours that The Green Lantern is in fact, homosexual, DC Comics has decided to cash in on the appeal and immense media interest surrounding their superhero’s coming-out Tension is running high on the set of Avatar celebrations. The most recent DC fi lm project 2 after Sam Worthington, the lead actor, was in the pipeline, Zack Snyder’s Man of Steel, fi red on his very fi rst day for being “shit” and a reboot Superman fi lm planned to be re- not able to shake off his “ridiculous Austral- leased some time in 2013, will now have a special guest star in the form of The Green ian accent when playing an American.” Lantern. Just how this character will fi t “Good riddance, really,” said director into the story of Clark Kent is not clear at James Cameron in an exclusive interview the moment, but we have reports that both “it was an easy decision. The only eas- Henry Cavill (Superman) and Ryan Reynolds (The Green Lantern) are more than ecstatic ier decision I’ve ever had to make about the news. was to kill that god-awful baby- “Will they hook up? I have no idea. face DiCaprio at the end of Titan- That part of the script is being com- ic! That was actually a toss-up pleted as we speak” said the re- cently engaged Cavill. “I mean, it will between him and Kate Wins- defi nitely be an interesting twist. I let. And I actually wanted to have done lots of sex scenes with so give the girl the fi nal boot. many actresses now, especially in She was heavier, and so just that pornographic television se- ries thinly disguised as a histori- made more sense for her to cal costume drama [The Tudors], drown. But then the studio so it would be a nice change. I’ve bosses warned me about always wondered what it would unfortunate implications be like with a man.” “We are especially happy about like ‘unfair dismissal’ and all the inclusion of the word “Steel” that garbage. Did you know, in the title,” raved Snyder, I almost had to scrap the “I’m “kind of says it all really, about the king of the world” line? our big bulky heroes. Actu- ally, I’m not sure any mate- At one point it was re-written rial known on planet Earth as “I’m the monarch of the would be suffi cient enough to world.” describe just what they’ve got packing down there. Anyway, it’s all in the early stages so we’ll see.” FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 17 IMPERIAL FILM

DARK XXX-RATED NIGHT

The Dark Knight Rises will serve as the backbone to an upcoming pornographic fi lm. Still set in Gotham, The Dark InCognito Knight Rises looks at the slow but sure and steady “rise” of a man, despite all the restrictions he faces, most notably from the incredibly tight leather suit he needs to wear for some of his clients. Former stripper Channing Tatum has shown keen interest in star- ring, with Disney star Selena Gomez, looking to be taken more seriously as a grown-up actress, is in negotiations to star as Catwoman. This new ambitious project will be fi nanced by the BCP (Berlus Coni Productions) responsible for many classic hits such as Sex Toy Story 2 and Pump Fiction.

UN-HATHAWAYPY MIRREN OSCAR? Experts are predicting another Oscar win for The new teaser trailer for Tom Hooper’s fi lm ad- Dame Helen Mirren yet again for her portrayal aptation of West End musical Les Miserables has fans eager for this year’s Christmas of Queen Elizabeth II. In hew new fi lm Diamonds when the fi lm hits the screens. Adding are a Queen’s Best Friend, Mirren reprises her further context to his latest, the Acade- role as the Queen, celebrating her Diamond Ju- my Award winning director of The King’s bilee, marking 60 years on the throne. Her spot- Speech hinted that his new musical fi lm on portrayal of the Queen’s famous royal waves will be a “more hard-hitting, raw, emo- captured the hearts of audiences worldwide, tional rollercoaster ride.” with critics praising her hand gestures as being “The diffi culty was,” he continued “the “simply sublime,” “astonishing,” “mesmeris- trailer is supposed to be suitable for ing” and “heart-wrenchingly beautiful.” The everyone. So we decided not to show BSSH, British Society for Surgery of the Hand, the full scale and depth we jumped were also enthusiastic about Mirren. into. For instance, we couldn’t show One surgeon commented, “her fi ngers move the extent of Anne Hathaway’s hair about so gracefully, there’s something so ma- loss.” When further quizzed on this jestic about the way she waves. The propor- matter, he replied “let’s just say it’s not just the head that gets shaved. tions are absolutely right.” Look, Fantine [the character Hatha- The fi lm, essentially a two-hour footage of way plays] needs money in the sto- Mirren waving on a boat rowed single-handed- ry. We assumed she’d want to sell ly as punishment by the guy who interrupted it all. Everything she has. The whole this year’s Oxford-Cambridge race, is already nine yards.” tipped to win this year’s Best Actress Oscar. Hathaway, who sings ‘I Dreamed a Dream’ in the trailer, was praised for her distraught look in the trailer. And this certainly better explains just why she was so convincing in her bare per- formance. Les Miserables is out later this year, and has been rated 18 for strong sexual content, the fi rst time ever for a West End musical adapta- tion. 18 FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 Film Editors: John Park IMPERIAL FILM Lucy Wiles fi [email protected] EXCLUSIVE BREAKING DAWN: PART 2 PREVIEW

Final Twilight fi lm set to rewrite franchise history t a recent Twilight conven- vamp it up a notch.” The crowd one. He’s been getting away me. All I have to do is to channel Ation, “actress” Kristen Stew- broke into laughter at that joke. with not doing anything and got whatever I felt when I saw Rob art promised fans and critics her “We wanted to give you some- paid millions of dollars for it but getting down and dirty with last ever outing as Bella Swan thing complex and thought-pro- here, he’s got the most challeng- Kristen. And trust me, there’s in Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight voking.” ing role” said been a lot of that on the set. So series will be with a bang. She, They followed Pattinson. I think I can manage.” her boyfriend Robert Pattinson on with spoil- “Yeah I’m Continuing on with the suck-up and Taylor Lautner wowed the ers including We decided nervous as routine, Stewart added “look, I audience with spectacular nev- how Jacob’s hell!” trem- know you guys felt nothing with er-before-heard exclusive pre- imprinting on this time not bled Lautner, that lame sex scene Robert and view information on their hotly Edward and “I’ve never I had, but just you wait until you anticipated upcoming movie, Bella’s vam- to follow the acted in my see Taylor get it on with my Breaking Dawn: Part 2. pire daugh- life. Never grown-up vampire child. Now “We decided this time” moaned ter actually book, like, at ever. God... we’re talking! That’s what teen Stewart, “not to follow the leads to the this will be dramas are all about right? Hot book, like, at all. I know how werewolf’s all. such a differ- animalistic sex. That’s exactly disappointed you all were so uncontrolla- ent experi- what you’ll get” Breaking Dawn: the director [Bill Condon] and ble sexual hunger and frenzy. ence! Look at me, I’m shaking! Part 2 will be released Novem- the three of us took matters into “Very exciting stuff, we’ll actu- Although, sexual frustration isn’t ber 2012, and has been rated our own hands. We decided to ally get to see Taylor act in this something that’s really new to 18. Ground row (from left): Simon Worthington (writer) Joe Letts (Politics Editor) James Simpson (Television Editor) George Barnett (Television Editor) Jonathan Peek (Copy Editor) Carol Ann Cheah (Copy Editor) Aemun Reza (Reporter) Deepka Rana (Business & Finance Editor) Matthew Colvin (Editor-in-Chief) Philip Kent (Online Editor) Kelly Oakes (Science Editor) Laurence Pope (Games Editor) Maciej Matuszewski (Books Editor) Katy Bettany (Features Editor) John Park (Film Editor) Charles Betts (Deputy Editor) Michael Krestas (Food Editor) Anastasia Eleftheriou (Food Editor) Chris Bowers (Technology Editor) Alexander Karapetian (Science Editor) First Row (from left): Rory Fenton (Writer) Sophia David (News Editor) Tim Arbabzadah (Comment Editor) Íñigo Martinez de Rituerto (Music Editor) Annina Sartor (Copy Editor) Alice Yang (Fashion Editor) Jason Parmar (Wannabe) Mark England (Music Editor) Ravi Pall (‘Creative Director’) Second row (from left): Matt Allinson (Writer) Kadhim Shubber (Writer) Top row (from left): Will Prince (Arts Editor) Chris Richardson (Travel Edi- tor) Slobodan Radosavljevic (Photographer) Notable Absentees: Alex Nowbar (News Editor) Stephen Smith (Features Editor) Indy Leclercq (Sport Editor) Rajat Jain (Politics Editor) Feroz Salam (Technology Editor) Sam Horti (Comment Editor) Eva Rosenthal (Arts Editor) Ross Gray (Music Editor) Simon Hunter (Music Editor) Alex Ramadan (Music Editor) Saskia 2011-2012 Verhagen (Fashion Editor) Lucy Wiles (Film Editor) Dushi Arumuganesan (Travel Editor) Jonathan Kim (Online Editor) James Hook (Puzzles Admiral) Miles Robertson (Photos Editor) Lizzy Griffiths (Illustrations) Afonso Campos (Writer) The Sabbs invite you to measure their impact... http://union.ic.ac.uk/marketing/impact/ VWW HHV VW-XO\ OII  O W rk Campu L d Pa s SL D oo 5 L lw 7P i Y 6 , S ge 6 le 6 ol C l ia r e p m I

Live from Noon, acts include Freddie Hoare The Megadudes Pink Cigar Queen’s Road and more... Amphibians in the Kitchen After party DJ’s Kentish Fire White Hot Flames Late Night Munchies The Winter Olympics DJ Oni DUBble_D Eddy B

J E O L U ST F S A S A T Y C T C IN NC R E G BOU A P C A SOA IST D IN K A SCIENT OO TIN F G 3URFHHGVGRQDWHGWR Berkshire Buckinghamshire Oxfordshire £12 before July 1st Check prices on website after above date Camping is £3 per pitch www.union.ic.ac.uk/silfest 24 FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 TTh Television Editors: George Barnett IMPERIAL TELEVISION James Simpson [email protected] TV DISGUST MAN INJURED IN BARGEPOLE INCIDENT!

here was general sadness this week when Ta previous guest on the Jeremy Kyle Show was refused the right to sue his attacker under the so-called “bargepole law”. Attacker Baron Kenwin Faunterloy of that fancy manor over the road continues to main- tain his innocence in the case, citing his attack on Kevin Humperdinck as “self-defense” under the controversial law. “To be honest, it wasn’t as though I was walk- ing the streets looking for an easy target to beat with my diamond encrusted cane... oh go on then, it was!” The standard measure for this “safe distance of defense” – a “bargepole’s length” – was made law in 1706 to pre-empt the Treaty of Union between England and Scotland by giving the English an easy means to keep the Braveheart wannabes at bay. Although now considered rare, bargepoles can still be found in places where barges exist. TV nearing natural limit “I can’t help it if poor people walk past me,” of period-drama making Faunterloy continued, “it’s just beating down on the poor has been in my line for hundreds “I can’t help Old ladies and programme-makers are said to of generations!” be in a distressed state after it was revealed Those who decried the story as a sad indict- it if poor ment of the current class system were swiftly that a time when there aren’t any costume shot down in the Commons, where a debate people walk dramas left to make may well be just around was held and nothing was really decided, like past me” the corner. “Similar claims have been made usual. in recent years regarding the supplies of fossil fuels and clean water”, said a BBC spokesper- son, “but nobody has addressed the shortage SHERLOCK ACTOR CHANGES NAME of remaining servile years over the last century which will soon pose great problems for the AFTER SAUSAGE CONFUSION broadcasting industry”. ITV’s Downton Abbey, the most popular period-piece for years, has erial Sherlock Holmes impersonator Benedict come under fi re lately for using around 8 years SCumberbatch has had his name altered by of obsequity in as many episodes. Writer Julian deed poll this week, follwing an embarrassing Fellowes told FELIX! that he plans to eventu- incident in a butcher’s shop in North Yorkshire. ally turn Downton Abbey into a documentary about a National Trust property in Berkshire, and therefore plans to carry on extracting a American “pregnant” great number of pound coins for some time by 3D skin fl ick to come. High-brow television owners have voiced their opinion that the post-war dec- n American woman has sued fi lmmakers ades don’t have the same appeal to them un- Aafter claiming that watching a three-di- less they feature Philip Glenister as retro mentional shoddy fi lm resulted in her becoming cop Gene Hunt next to that bird with the pregnant. Her husband, who recently returned nice legs, and therefore it would be bet- from a year-long tour of duty in Afghanistan, ter for everyone if the BBC just remade has rejected claims by realistic people that everything in high defi nition – “That a better explanation for the pregnancy way, by the time they’ve fi nished might be that another man just got his wife pregnant. The child is said to there’ll be a few more decades that look “just like” the main character are quite long ago, and Apple’s Reti- in the blue movie. You couldn’t na TV to remake the rest for”. even make it up, could you? FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 25 IMPERIAL TELEVISION BBC’s Jubilee coverage “bare good”, say cretins Cretins and Cheryl Cole were among the fi rst to point out that the BBC’s coverage of the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee celebrations was “totes amazeballs”. The coverage, which was described by known Nalbandian blames outburst on clever man Stephen Fry as “lamentable” in- sovereignty of Falkland Islands cluded a mock knight’s accolade performed by radio impersonality Fearne Cotton, amongst rgentinian tennis ball hitter David Nalbandian has blamed his violent Aoutburst at this week’s AEGON Championships on what he called the other things which did not count as being ac- “continuing UK occupation of the Falkland Islands”. This revelation comes tual coverage of the Jubilee itself. just days before Argenitinian President Cristina Kirchner handed top The Queen is said to be “royally pissed off”, public-schooler David Cameron an envelope, believed to have some pa- according to royal sources, but not quite as per inside it, on which was believed to be some writing about why Britain much as Prince Philip, who actually contracted is bad. The match offi cial is said to be in a state of relief following the removal from his leg by doctors of a large advertisement board bearing an infection to better express his distaste. Nalbandian’s bootprint beside several anti-UK slogans.

ED MILIBAND TO GET UPGRADED VOICE CHIP SOFTWARE

hief keeper-in-offi ce of the Con- Cservative Party and some-time leader of the Labour party Ed Mil- liband is to receive a fi rmware up- grade this week, following several incidents in which he was left repeat- ing himself over and over and over again on national television. On a number of occasions, the op- position leader has been left unable to express any opinion whatsoever on key issues such as politics, politics and politics. “computer scientists “Embarrassing performances at We’ll give you gay marriage, Prime Minister’s Questions” and “an- apologise” swering six different interview ques- but only if we can watch tions with the same phrase in vary- Computer scientists have applaud- ing arrangements” have both been ed their profession’s poor attempts at the break-ups on TV, say logged as known issues with the software engineering, adding “we’re makers of the chip, other users of doing a fantastic job of saving the homophobic people which include Michael Howard and country from the most annoying PM Gordon Brown. ever”. ritain’s homophobic people have issued a joint statement in Ban attempt to get this whole thing sorted, so we can move on and get on with the fi xing the economy or something. They intend to stop complaining about gay people getting married, ALL TV TO BE LEVESON BY 2035 but only if they get to watch the funny bits on television. Dave, a builder from Norwich, said “I think that’s fair enough really, I mean, what’s in it for me otherwise?” Seasoned bigots tatistically speaking, 100% of TV output will be the Leveson Inquiry by have denied rumours that they are becoming increasingly lib- S13 March 2035. Concerns have been aired amongst politicians that the eral, having just accepted people of other ethnic origins into Rt Hon Lord Justice Leveson may even expire before his eponymous enquiry, their neighbourhoods on the basis that they “quite like a curry”. leaving several issues which everyone defi nitely cares about unresolved, as Regular political bitcher Peter Tatchell admitted that the news well as a paritally written 70,000-page report which is expected to launch had come as a major blow to him, which people sniggered at, its own inquiry in a way not dissimilar to that bit in the second Harry Potter before he added that he was now out of things to campaign fi lm where Voldemort comes out of the diary, should anyone try to read it. over, prompting cheers from all concerned. 26 FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 Editors: Alex Ramadan IMPERIAL FASHION Saskia Verhagen Alice Yang [email protected] JE KIFFE TON STYLE – WORDS AND ENNUI FROM PARIS

Indy LeTwerp in St Michel de Rieufret, in the Paris suburbs

Bonjour all and sundry! like to call it here in la Glo- tures who dresses all in After almost a year of rieuse République. Here black? Yes, the one with negotiations and some we go: so much grease in his hair rather shady deals, edi- that it needs a bailout. tor Matt Colvin’s evil al- Capes You thought he was some ter-ego Watt Wolvin has eh oui, my friends! You kind of loser, hein? Well, managed to fi nd me some may go to the most so- he is. But this season he’s space in the fi nal issue of cially inept and style-un- also fashionable! Which is the year. I feel sorry for conscious university in the of course much more im- all you poorly-dressed world, but it seems that portant. Rosbifs , having had to Givenchy, Tom Ford and rely on the dubious coun- Martin Margiela have Purple sel of the charmante but taken a leaf out of the one So, word on la rue is that slightly clueless Fashion of the many books pre- fabulous royal purple is Editor who pretends to do sent in the West basement going to be all the rage physics in her spare time. library (honnêtement, it’s this autumn. Spot on for Pas de panique! LeTwerp is like the new Centre Pompi- the graduation gowns, here to save you. dou) and have put capes n’est-ce pas? Personally, it Bon. I am not here to be everywhere. Superman or brings me back to the days petty and bitch about Jon Snow? Take your pick. of the monarchy and our Tu m’as donné ta people, that is what the But who am I kidding? – dear, headless Louis XVI. boboue et j’en ai fait catwalk is for. I will, how- you know nothing (about Word of warning: blood ever, explain to you prop- fashion). red and purple don’t go de l’or. erly what is making ‘le well together. Guillotines “ buzz’ in Paris for the next Monochrome prints are so 18th century – so season, and hopefully sal- C’est simple. Black and all you republican Anglais Enfi n voilà, that’s all the gloves and you will have vage your look so that it white. One and zéro. An- come to France, instead room Wolvin will let me a look de folie. Or you’ll is not immediately obvi- other trend that you geeks of chopping your Queen’s have. Stupid frog. Basi- just look” crazy. In fashion, ous that you come from can understand, then. You head off. That tasteless cally, dress like a 1950s it is always a fi ne line, mes the perfi de Albion, as we know that guy in you lec- Charles, king? Surtout pas! superhero with boxing amis. Adieu!

Campus scouring by COLLEGE COUTURE Alice Yang and Alex Ramadan

LOVE: Shirt, topshop LOVE: Trousers, Cot- LOVE: Top, Primark; LOVE: Jumper, Oasis; LOVE: Jacket, H&M LOVE: Shirt, Ben tonon; Boots, Newlook Necklace Shoes, Toms Sherman FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 27 IMPERIAL FASHION

ESSENTIAL READS Alice Yang’s list of books bound to give you more than just a pick-me-up THE DRESS THE SHOES reality over the summer With the summer quick- ‘Shoes have a magical, al- for this jewel, you will fi nd ly settling in, there’s no most mythical hold on our nothing less than 270 doubt that the most imaginations’ – the bliss- pages of swoon. David talked about show come fully true sentence with Gandy, aka THAT gor- September will be Raf which this book’s foreword geously chiselled guy Simons’ inauguration at begins tells the fairy tale who advertises the la- the House of Christian story of how Tamara Mel- bel’s fragrances by casu- Dior. Up your fashion lon and Jimmy Choo came ally being half-naked credentials for the inevi- to be. The gold-gilded on a boat (see below), table discussions by tak- edges of this book promise now has an entire book ing a swirl through the an incredible story, and un- in which he poses (some- House’s overfl owing cou- like some of those summer what provocatively) in Dior Couture by Patrick De- what can only be de- ture archives. marchelier chick-lits you will not be left David Gandy by Dolce & Gab- From 1947 when the Rizzoli Publishing, £70 disappointed. bana scribed as generally not designer himself fi rst em- The thick pages inside are Rizzoli Publishing, £90 much clothing. Tearing barked on his journey to to a shoe obsessive what yourself away from those change the fundamentals money is to a banker. The THE MAN abs may be your biggest of style, to the dramatic simple satin crossover of Regardless of whether or not challenge yet. pieces mastered by John Macy, the tough-zipped el- you’ve had your fi ll of well- Galliano and the most egance of Gleny’s, and of dressed perfectly toned recently debated show course the thinly-strapped gentlemen from the Impe- under Bill Gaytten; eve- fame of Lance; this book rial Library over the exam rything you could possi- epitomises the best of Jim- period, the truth is there bly want in a dress can my Choo, creating a shrine can never be too much eye- be found on the pages for its 15 most revered candy. In fact, for those of of this book. styles. From red-carpet us still praying that the next So whether its artistic glamour to lustful cam- time we walk through those elegance or fl amboy- paigns, this book is quite lit- (still confusing) double doors ant originality, this book erally shoe heaven. In fact, that we shall fi nd our prince, makes for the perfect when the holidays have left its time to admit defeat and summer escapade and a your statements in the red, turn trustingly to our friends great conversation start- this book will be almost as Dolce & Gabbana. er for when the autumn Jimmy Choo: Icons good as going shoe shop- Should you dare to take Rizzoli Publishing, £47.50 With compliment from the edi- shows kick in. ping itself. a few moments away from tor – you can thank me later

Ring, from Lisbon

LOVE: Earrings, Topshop; Dress + necklace, Brick Leggings, Lane; Cardigan + ring, American Topshop; Shoes, Urban Apparel Outfi tters; Bag, Be- LOVE: Jacket, Antik Batik; yond Retro Shorts, Urban Outfi tters Sunglasses, H&M 28 FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 Food Editors: Anastasia Eleftheriou IMPERIAL FOOD Michael Krestas [email protected] LOVE WORDS

k let’s face it. Being a Food Editor is cool! Free Osamples, free dinners, the prestige of being a food critique and blah blah blah. At the beginning I thought that this would attract guys, as I naïvely be- lieved that everybody would fancy going out with a girl and enjoy very good service for absolutely free! And here comes Michael. The reason that nothing of the above happened. We had to go together for eve- ry review (so I didn’t have the chance to invite any- body...), and also guys were sceptical to ask me out as they weren’t sure if we are together! A.E. These are the places I could have gone with anyone but instead I was stuck with Michael

CO-EDITOR UNVEILED FOOD EDITORS MISSING eing an editor is a great thing. Being a co-editor is a true torture. If Byou have never worked with Anastasia before I suggest you never Anastasia Eleftheriou and Michael Krestas, do so! She can be incredibly distracting, lacking any sense of time and the current Food Editors of Felix, have gone concentration. Editing a one-page section typically requires a couple of missing. Matt Colvin, the paper’s Editor- hours but with Anastasia you may want to take off the entire day for it. in-Chief, declared that they haven’t been The worse thing is that she thinks she’s pleasant and fun to work with. It has been hard admiting those things about my colleague, but I feel the obli- answering to his numerous emails over the gation to inform future editors and co-workers. When you see Anastasia past 10 days. Their friends at Imperial say again, simply turn the other way. M.K. that both of them were very frustrated with their respective work loads; Anastasia was working very hard to meet her individual deadline and Michael was trying to fi nd time to fi t in his internship that started before the end of the term. Policemen who visited the Editors’ houses did not fi nd any clue that could lead them to a conclusion. FELIX! has not made a formal announcement about the matter, but inner circles admit that the paper cannot wait for them forever. Sooner or later, the position of the Food Editor will be declared as “empty” and whoever wants

Have you zeen Anaztazia orgr Michael lately? may apply. A Food Editor’s duties include re- ceiving several invitations for free dinners at restaurants and cocktail bars and free sam- FOOD AWARDS SCANDAL ples from various companies. J.B. S.G. and N.N., who came second in the Imperial Food Awards last autumn, have recently fi led a formal complaint against the Union describing the awards as “the epitome of SOME SERIOUS SPECIAL THANKS fraud” and that they would do whatever possible to restore justice. The Food Editors of Felix, who organised the com- petition, have not yet commented on the matter, as no-one e would like to thank everybody who contributed to the has managed to get in touch with them. O.T., winner of the WFood Section this year. We were in big trouble every week competition, said that such actions are just acts of jealousy editing all of the tempting recipes you were sending us. It would by the runner-ups and that her recipe was by far the best. have been much better though if you could’ve also sent us a little Sources from the Union told FELIX! that there are seri- to taste too! Special thanks to Yiango Mavroconstanti for her ous thoughts to remove the Food Section from the coming continuous and restless contribution, to Clare Cheng and Hannah year’s paper if suspicions are proven to be true. Cox for their vegan articles, Olivia Tillbert for all of her help and every participant of the Imperial Master Chef competitions. Dreaming about travel? Start living it.

Stirring Features | Destination Guides | Inspirational Interviews | How-to Guides

StudentTravelog.com facebook.com/studenttravelog [email protected] twitter.com/studenttravelog 30 FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 IMPERIAL BOOKS Books Editor: Maciej Matuszewski [email protected]

Hunger Games, Women and Politics The Bend in the Sky Joseph Henderson reviews a promising but fl awed debut

organ’s fi rst novel, The dead gorgeous girlfriend” who is happy to Bend in the Sky, puts me get her breasts out in a public park after the less in mind of The Hitch- laziest blackmail from a lewd photographer I hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy could imagine (and then she starts playing na- and more of Vogon Poetry. ked catch with the mind control ring – is this MThe prose is littered with clever asides which, a movie script?), nor the loan shark dodging while they are certainly entertaining stand- former immortal and his idiotic companion. alones, for the most part distract the reader Perhaps quick characterisation is a justifi able from the plotline. Morgan makes the mistake price for a large cast in a fast paced novel, but of trying to be funny rather than trying to be I’m not sure it’s a price The Bend in the Sky interesting. This isn’t always a problem, but can afford to pay. There just isn’t enough char- Bend in the Sky mimics the humour of Doug- acterisation for the mind control rays to take las Adams and, to a lesser extent, P.G. Wode- away. house. Douglas Adams already pushed the But I do worry that I’m judging too quickly. funny side of Hitchhiker’s past exhaustion, it As I read through The Bend in the Sky I started needn’t be pushed further. to appreciate the characters, the clever updat- A great deal of the novel is spent trying to ed-for-the-computer-age Hitchhiker’s style, avert a coming crisis, where Captain Jeltz – and the occasional original, hilarious aside. sorry, Capias K*rargxt – is bringing his ship to Does the novel improve as it goes on, or did I destroy the Earth. If he has a particular reason just take time to learn to accept Morgan’s un- for destroying the Earth it skips my mind right conventional prose? The former, I’m afraid. now, but rest assured all 73 of his personalities I don’t feel the novel as a whole is more than want the Earth destroyed on their route to rul- the sum of its parts, these bits of wonder don’t If I had been born in 1888 and not 1988 I would ing all of existence. When Kasteriskrargxt (as fi t together as well as the apparently discon- have been a suffragette. And I would venture I shall now write his name) arrives on Earth nected adventures of Bertie Wooster. that it is impossible for anyone to read Emmeline he will use his mind control rays to force our Many good writers, such as Philip Pullman, Pankhurst’s My Own Story without feeling a simi- innocent protagonists to act out a tragic script have novels early in their career that now em- and give The Bend in the Sky a try. Until then, lar sentiment. of unspeakable tragedy, overriding their char- barrass them terribly, and are no worse now give it a miss. Pankhurst begins by recounting the early days acter and free will. for the experience. When Morgan has written a * This isn’t a footnote, K*rargxt just has the of the campaign for women’s suffrage; the ques- Oh yes, characterisation. I don’t have more few more novels, I’ll certainly go out and read misfortune of an asterisk in his name. Morgan tioning of MPs at meetings and the sending of than a basic impression of most of the cast, not them, and wouldn’t discourage you from do- avoids the sin of footnotes, but makes up for it small delegations of women to parliament. She the young guy who is young, nor his “drop- ing the same. If you really like them go back with the heavy overuse of italics. then documents how the women’s attempts to get enfranchised were met with opposition and how they responded to this with increasing enterprise. Pankhurst’s autobiography of 1914 is not only an informative account of the fight for women’s Not so Exquisite a Specimen suffrage, but also a page turner from start to finish; she was evidently an immensely talented writer as well as a skilled political leader. She Rory Fenton one ending with him vomiting from nervous- with 12-year-old Dolores Haze, nicknamed gives vivid accounts of hunger strikes, force ness. West paints himself as a very odd, geeky, ‘Lolita’. The reader is not left with any doubt feeding, brutality, suicide, window breaking With the News of the World no longer in print socially reclusive character who fakes some of that this relationship is deeply wrong but and arson. Indeed the book makes for a shock- you’d be forgiven for thinking that paedophilia his PhD research to have time to spend with his Nabokov still manages to present things from ing read; women are mocked, derided, abused, is no longer a ‘thing’. But it is, dear reader, it is French lover. The feeling of honesty that one Humbert’s view and how he considered him- wrongly imprisoned and worst of all, ignored. – at least in my world. In the last few months gets is a strong point for the book, enabling it self justifi ed, taking us on a tour of Humbert’s From the comfort of the 21st century it is impos- I’ve read no fewer than two novels on the sub- to paint a clear portrait of an awkward scientist mind. We actually get to understand this man’s sible to imagine the social climate that led to the ject. One, a classic – Lolita by Vladimir Nabo- and showing a side of Imperial life the average thinking. We fi nd it disturbing and perverse but police, prime ministers, cabinet and judiciary, kov – and the other a recently released novel student wouldn’t be aware of, even if it makes we understand and are better for it. people whom today we hold in the highest es- by Imperial alumnus Paul West – Exquisite for an uncomfortable read at times. Conversely, a novel that describes only the teem, suppressing these women for so long. The Specimens. Both are written in the fi rst person So far so good but the honesty goes further. actions of such an outcast, even in fi rst person, injustice to these poor vote-less ladies leaves and both are pretty disturbing. A lot further. Simon starts to fantasise about falls into voyeurism. Reading Exquisite Speci- one feeling cold and numb and one is compelled Exquisite Specimens is, according to its au- schoolgirls, specifi cally those who come to mens feels like this, like we are reading the sto- to keep reading in order to see these women thor, 50% autobiography. Like its author, the South Kensington on school trips for the mu- ry of a sexually deviant man without learning enfranchised. However the book disappointingly book’s protagonist, Simon, is a Cambridge seums. He describes how he walks down Ex- anything deeper, without getting into his head. ends abruptly in 1914, years before women get graduate taking a PHD in Metallurgy at our hibition Road with his hand dangling freely to So unless the reader wants to read about sexual the vote in 1918. own Imperial College. The book follows him rub against the girls. Taken as a work of fi c- perversion for its own sake, they stand to gain My Own Story is a manifestly one-sided ac- during his fi rst year of PhD here. It’s certainly tion (and here’s hoping it falls into the 50% little from reading. count of the proceedings in which Pankhurst at- fun to read about somewhere so familiar – the that is fi ctional) it fails to offer much more to To an extent, the book is interesting as an tempts to justify the suffragettes’ increasingly same Cromwell Road and the same museums. the reader than fact rather than explanation or honest insight into the life of an Imperial PhD militant actions. A comparison with an opposing The book’s theme is also one that will be as understanding. We shouldn’t be afraid to read student but as it progresses, it leaves the reader text would shed light on different view points, for familiar to the stereotypical Imperial student as novels that make us uncomfortable, books that wondering why they are actually reading the example that these ladies practised terrorism the mockingly erect Queen’s Tower – sexual allow us to see the world through the eyes of book in the fi rst place. We feel more like fl ies- and in doing so delayed the achievement of their frustration. We read of Simon making out with an outcast. Crime and Punishment gives the on-the-wall than in his shoes and the more un- goal. In any event though, My Own Story makes a gas cylinder in his lab and venturing into reader the under-standing experience of the comfortable for it. Novels can tackle diffi cult for a thrilling read and we can rejoice in its dis- Soho’s specialist bookstores. He has his fi rst guilt that comes from being a murderer with- subjects, even paedophilia, but they need to tance from today. girlfriend in this year, managing to chat up a out necessarily requiring us to agree with mur- take their reader on a journey with them. Oth- Stephanie Walton young French woman after taking several va- der. This is what happens in Lolita. We hear, erwise we end up feeling little better than the lium pills to calm his nerves. Their sexual en- in his own words, the story of Humbert and disturbed characters they portray. This, unfor- counters are described in graphic detail, with his obsession and eventual sexual relationship tunately, is the case with Exquisite Specimens. fromf producers of the Big Chill comes a wonderland of art and music...

Small and beautiful, just 5000country in a garden!Sussex

5th – 8th JULY 2012, BIGNOR PARK, PULBOROUGH, WEST SUSSEX

tUnE-YaRdS / Ghostpoet / Jessie Ware / Norman Jay / The Dø / Phenomenal Handclap Band / Fink / Speech Debelle / Crazy P / Fionn Regan / The Staves / Soul Jazz / Reeps One / Late Night Tales with Belle and Sebastian (DJ set) / Zero 7 (DJ set) / Howie B ‘Myths, Monsters and Legends’ by Rankin and Damien Hirst / Doug Fishbone’s Adventureland Golf with Jake Chapman and David Shrigley

Super Nova Cocktail Bar Krystal Klear, Sofar Sessions Anna Phoebe, Indigo Earth, The Midnight Barbers, Joker And The Thief, Valley stage Jessie Ware, Ghostpoet, Norman Jay, Psychemagik, Duffstep, The Good Times Bus, Soul Jazz Sound System, DJ Food, Hexstatic, Cheeba, JFB, Bird Radio plus surprise guests Fink, Speech Debelle, Crazy P, tUnE-YaRdS, The Dø, live and unplugged Jono McCleery, Fionn Regan, Kinny, Reeps One, We Were KeepUp, DJ Shep Dog, Toby Fluffy Logic, Tim Love Lee, Evergreen, The Staves, Phenomenal Handclap Band, Pathaan, Leggo Beast, Nest Collective Campfire Sessions Carrie Tree, Mother Feather, Chris Coco, The Roundhouse Choir, Nova Arms Pub Aidan Larkin’s Big Ten Inch and late Vic and Tina Smith, Tim Cumming, Ballina Whalers, Sam Stumblin’ Slims and The Black Kat Boppers, Late Night night chilled sets from Mixmaster Morris and Brookes, Magic Lantern, James Morgan, City Shanty Tales with Belle and Sebastian (dj set), Zero 7 (dj set) Pete Lawrence Band, Mick Sands

‘Myths, Monsters and Legends’ by Rankin and Damien The Pick of the Pleasance: Late Night Gimp Fight, Charley Boorman, Rankin, Paul Trynka (David Bowie Hirst (featuring Dani Smith), The Hunger, Doug Abandoman, Doc Browns, Pappy’s Max & Ivan, biographer), Clive Arrowsmith, Tony Grisoni, Ben Fishbone and Friends’ Adventureland Golf with Jake The Beta Males, Ginger & Black, Delete The Banjax, Rivers, Andrew Kotting, Gustav Temple (founder Chapman, Brian Griffiths, Gary Webb, Zatorski & Sheeps, Battersea Arts Centre: Nurse Knows Best, editor of The Chap zine), Neil Palmer (‘Rockhunter’), Zatorski, Pete Fowler and David Shrigley, Jem Finer’s Home Correspondence, And The Birds Fells From Peter Hancock (aka comedian Jinx Jones), Katy ‘Still’, David and Peter Adjaye, Andrew Logan, Dynamic The Sky, Gooseparty, Pop Up Casino, Green and Darby (‘The Whores’ Asylum’), Neil Ansell (‘Deep Junk, 12 Months of Neon Love by Lucas & Wheater... Pleasant Land, Red Sarah, John Hegley, Teatro- Country’), Michael Smith (‘The Giro Playboy’), plus late night illuminated art in the woods Saurus, Kubla Khan Coffee House, stalking poets, Joe Dunthorne (Submarine) and Rachel Lichtenstein prowling postmen and more surprises in the woods!

Creative salons, The Roundhouse Choir - flash mobs open rehearsals, London Drawing life Yoga Sonic presents Tandava Daze, Soul Pads drawing classes, Afrikokoa drum sessions, Blink Ben Rivers, Andrew Kötting, Tony Grisoni, The for Deep Tissue, Aromatherapy, Thai massage, Arts craft salons, cocktail making with Bompas Flicker Club, The British Guide To Showing Off - live! Shiatsu, Acupressure, Reflexology, Indian Head, and Parr, Jewellery making with Andrew Logan, Late night screenings Reiki, Tui Na, Bliss Domes for sound and light foraging, cooking, burlesque, photography, painting, baths plus Yoga, Wild Run and Hot Tubs filmmaking and much more…

plusplus muchmuch moremore -- checkcheck thethe websitewebsite forfor details…details…

www.novafestival.co.uk Communal dining, cooking classes with Disappearing Dining Club, Hurly Burly, a world-wide feast, top notch Tickets from Ticketline: £139.00 students £100. www.ticketline.co.uk/nova-festival cocktails from Bompas & Parr, Nova Arms - stocking local beers & ciders... plus twisted pub entertainment Join the action on and 32 FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 w Games Editor: Laurence [insert IMPERIAL GAMES hilarious name here] Pope [email protected] ARE YOU READY FOR Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing?!?! Games Editor Laurence Pope talks about about yet another obscure game that you’ve prob- ably never heard of. No change there then f you’ve never heard of Big Rigs: Over the Road Rac- Iing you’ve never lived. Criticisms against it have ad- mittedly been harsh – “Buggy as hell”; “A complete waste of time”; “I’d rather gouge my eyeballs out with a fork than play this s$*& again” and “Stupid f&$*ing piece of God-damn bulls*%$ motherf*%&er” are a few of the tamer ones. “Because gravity and physics can The ‘bugs’ in the game are pretty much all over the shop. Your driving competitors never move from the go die in a fi re.” start line, you can accelerate beyond the speed of sound, drive through buildings like they’re made of thin sant, rescuing many from their own boundaries of the mortal realm, enter- air and climb up vertical slopes like gravity and friction dark thoughts. In a fi ercely competi- ing a realm of inner peace and purity. are merely optional laws of nature. tive world things grow overwhelming, You have no more goals, no demands Your average person sees these ‘fl aws’ and thinks threatening to crush even the most to meet, nothing. You are but a free ‘Buggy game, waste of time’. A smarter individual re- hard-working and motivated individu- spirit, fl oating in the big emptiness. It is alises that Big Rigs is not a sloppily designed game but al. By removing any challenge, freez- enough to draw a tear to my eye. is in fact an intellectual masterpiece, tapping into the ing your opponents in place, Big Rigs Do not hate upon Big Rigs. What ini- deepest desires of the human psyche. ensures victory after victory, helping to tially appears to be a fl awed game is In life we are constrained by the immutable laws of reinforce an individual’s self-worth. A in fact a modern masterpiece, a com- nature. Gravity pins us to Mother Earth, a burden each truly noble cause. plicated simulator to break free of re- of us must face and come to terms with. Big Rigs frees But the supposed ‘bug’ that hits ality, if only for a few precious hours. us and allows us to realise, if only for a moment, a pure deepest is the ability to leave the map, Or maybe it’s just a buggy piece world in which gravity and physical laws do not con- entering a void of purity and nothing- of trash that was churned out over a strain human actions. ness. It is obvious that this is a represen- weekend by an incompetent studio to Big Rigs must also be viewed as an anti-depres- tation of Heaven. You transcend the make a quick profi t *shrugs*.

NEXT WEEK!!! FELIX EXCLUSIVE!!! Felix Games reviews Garbage Truck Simulator!!!

(Seriously, who comes up with this rubbish? Geddit, rubbish game, garbage simulator? Those words mean the same, that’s what makes it funny. Oh never mind.) FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 33 IMPERIAL GAMES

“Original idea!!!” “‘The most hilarious page this week!!!’” – Felix Games editor

“Totally not stolen from the funnier people who write– [funnier .] Hangman!!!” Ed people, that’s a good one – “Not a Valve fanboy!!!”

Laurence: So Gabe, what can you tell us about the game EVERYONE’S been talking about, Half Life 2: Episode 3?! ANOTHER Felix Exclusive!!!: Gabe: It’ll be a sequel to Half Life 2: Episode 2. L: Anything else?? An in-depth interview with G: It’ll involve Gordon Freeman. L: And? Valve co-founder and all- G: Crowbars. L: Release date??? round badass Gabe “worth G: In the future. the weight” Newell!!! L: Thanks Gabe! Next week: An interview with Bobby “I F$*&ING LOVE MONEY” Kotick. 34 FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 IMPERIAL PUZZLES Puzzles Editor: Jimmy Hook-Up [email protected]

HOROSCOPES TO HELP PLAN THE WEEK! This one’s tougher than the ones you’re used to, everybody! If you GEMINI MAY 22 – JUNE 21 Coffee Break Crossword need help, call 0901 423 657 555. It’s hard to see your revision not pay off in exam success. Throw yourself into your work 100% and, by next week, all 1 1 5 6 7 8 Charged at £3.50 per clue plus your standard rate your ambitions will be fulfi lled! Don’t be afraid of your suc- 2 3 cess, embrace it. JUNE 22 – 9 10 10 Across CANCER JULY 21 4 5 Don’t take your personal tutor’s remarks about your lack of 2. Common name for “The Only Way Is work too seriously. Jupiter is in alignment with something, 11 12 12 15 somewhere, so everything is okay. Plus you’ve done fi ve past Essex” (5) papers. Pint? 4. Celebrity, shining brightly in the sky!!! 13 JULY 24 – (4) LEO AUGUST 23 141316 1417 18 191516 15 2016 6. _____ Cowell, X Factor creator (5) Your work life is affecting your social life to a detrimental amount now. Don’t be afraid to cast off the shackles and let 16 21 loose once you are free, and never be afraid to take the night off! 1722 18 23 1824 19 19 25 Down VIRGO AUGUST 24 – 21 6 SEPTEMBER 23 1. Simon ____ , X Factor creator (6) Next Tuesday, you are going to be getting a big promise 262220 21 23 22 23 24 3. Robert ____ , Twilight star (9) from someone. Don’t be to too proud to heed friend’s advice that accepting such things at face value may not be a good 25 5. You can stand under this pop idea. sensation’s um-ber-ella!!! (7) 2624 25 27 SEPTEMBER 24 – LIBRA OCTOBER 23 Your star chart seems to suggest that you will now be moving into a happy phase. You may be wary, but you shouldn’t be. When your friend suggests something at 2pm on Thursday, FUCWIT say yes. Unless you don’t want to. League SUPER SLITHER-LINK!!! Competition OCTOBER 24 – SCORPIO NOVEMBER 22 Winners! Some investigation goes a lot further than you may think. Congratulations to our Leave Monday to think, and make a defi nite decision on competition winners!!! Tuesday. Don’t take too long to deliberate though, this op- 3 2233 3 3 After a year of solving portunity is once in a lifetime. all our puzzles, we can announce the winners of SAGITTARIUS NOVEMBER 23 – DECEMBER 21 3 0 3 the FUCWIT league. It seems that fi nancially things may be suddenly on the up, but The Individual Award with a slight, strange, and out-of-the-blue downturn on the goes to Jeremy Neale horizon. Save up, for you don’t know what the future holds. who tells us he’s a huge Attempt to put something away for a rainy day. 3 2 2 3 Zac Efron fan. Who isn’t, DECEMBER 22 – Jeremy? CAPRICORN JANUARY 20 Pluto is no longer a planet and so doesn’t matter anymore. The Team Award goes However, Mars is shining brightly and is turning as it always 2 to Elbowfart, who tell does. A fun adventure, and novel prospect, is on the horizon 1 us with the prize mon- for you to grab with both hands, if you want to. ey they aim to become the next One Direction. AQUARIUS JANUARY 21 – FEBRUARY 19 2 2 2 Good luck Elbowfart! You’ve reached a stalemate. Do not fear, all will pass once Thanks to everyone who Saturn moves into perfect alignment with Mercury later this took part this year, the month. You’ll just have to wait it out, and maybe go to The puzzles team will see you Summer Ball to take your mind off of it. 3 1 3 all in the autumn! FEBRUARY 20 – PISCES MARCH 20 Don’t artifi cially try to be good at things that you don’t know. Stick to what you are best at and all will be fi ne. A little time by yourself is incredibly therapeutic and often very calming. 2 332 3 2 3 Can’t wait until the autumn? Challenges may lie ahead and so keep a cool head. Here’s some summer trivia! For your chance to win a ARIES MARCH 21 – APRIL 20 SpaCare package for two, Your suave demeanour will get you what you have always just answer this question: wanted later on this week. It may take a few days longer than planned, but wearing your best clothes is a must this Slitherlinking, huh? No, it’s not what you think it is, it’s a hit new puzzle! Who recently got told week, or opportunity may not knock. by Cameron over his Try and make a single, closed loop using the numbers in the boxes as TAURUS APRIL 21 – taxes? MAY 20 guides. if a box has a number 2 in it, that tells you that there are two It is never too late to mend your broken bridges. With Venus A. Jimmy Carr on your side, now is the time to rekindle that intense friend- edges surrounding that box. Good luck! ship. Shyness is all that is keeping you away, and you should B. Wills and Kate?! leave that at the door. FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 35 IMPERIAL PUZZLES

BEAT THE EXPERTS!

Think you know relationships better than our experts? Each week, our relationships expert Jimmy Hook-Up tells all about

who to look out for and who to look away from! Can you get all 6 right?

6. 6. 5. 4. d b f a

3. 2. 1. ANSWERS: e

This week: How faithful is your boyfriend? Using the science of medicology, Jimmy says that the best way you can tell a no good c cheater is by the shape of his ears. So, do you think you know your men? Can you match the ear shape to how he shapes up? EXPERTS THE BEAT

1. The classic manipulator. This 4. This guy climbs the girl- ear may look sympathetic, but friend ladder and you’re just is it really listening? A no go, another rung. But if you don’t but a diffi cult one to spot. If let him stand on you, he’ll you want to live in blissful tumble to the ground. Make ignorance, it’s up to you... sure it’s a nasty fall, ladies!

2. Always calm and composed, 5. If your self-esteem hasn’t the steady ship on rocky been already shot by this los- A B C waves. If the dull life is what er, you’re one strong willed you crave, you’re on to a real gal. Turn around and never winner. Not a cheater, but look back, unless you want Jimmy says “abandon ship!” to see another woman in his arms... 3. Another innocent, but not always emotionally invested. 6. The parasite. He’ll cling and Good for a while, but you’ll never let go as he feeds off soon despair over the same your ambition. If you value bunch of fl owers you get your sanity, send him back to D EF every week... his mum’s basement...

FAUX FASHION FIVE! MADCAP MAZE! It’s that time of the week again, we’re back with another edition of Faux Fashion Five!

Go up against our style expert Miss Jegging and see if you can identify the fi ve fashion faux pas in the pic- ture. This week, our Cheryl has been caught in London and it’s not a fi ve star per- formance.

Simply circle the fi ve hor- rendous fashion errors in the photo left and send it in to the usual address for your chance to win a par- ticularly fashionable Jimmy- It’s a rush to the beach for the summer, but Abby’s for- Who? shoe with a classic, gotten the cellulite cream (that you should also buy). tearaway, worn retro feel Help her through the maze and quickly before all the that is presumably in this good tanning spots are taken by people better looking summer. and successful than her (can you identify with Abby? I thought so...). 36 FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 IMPERIAL HANGMAN SHOCK EXCLUSIVE: SABBATICAL TEAM ALL MEE

Scott Heath Ledger Michael Foster Monya Zard

ome may remember Scott is year was all seem- t was always going to be a tough as a man of indifference, ingly occurring without year for Monya. At the very start of however throughout his too much incident, until her year she had to organise Fresh- troubled career as a stu- he unwittingly was be- ers’ Fair. This required her to tire- dent politician not one per- stowed with the title of lessly, meticulously, and methodically son could deny that he did Returning Offi cer for take the plans from last year and his upmost to follow Union the Big Elections. This change the date at the top. She was constitution to the letter. caused him to have a also required to write a whole 100 Many questioned the work Scott did over mental break down and become something words in a box and so the fi rst month’s sal- hisS year in offi ce, with the majority of his Hof a renegade. Michael was on the run Iary was well-earned. observable time spent with senior college from the police, with only an Excel spread- Detectives are still investigating the sus- offi cials; wining and dining with the best sheet and sporadic access to eActivities to picious circumstances of the ‘accident’ that of them. While no benefi ts for the student keep him occupied. He was eventually ap- befell her in the end. The New Clubs Com- body came from said meetings, he did end prehended when detectives were able to mittee, who some of you may know (obvi- the year with CV references rivalled only track his movements via a tweet he posted ously just kidding, as nobody would know) by Prince Harry. about angrily having to approve invoices, seemed “strangely jolly” during the funeral. Scott’s biggest attribute to the student or whatever it is he does. Monya was walking across the shared experience can only be summed up by his Michael, known to his friends simply as Mi- space on Exhibition Road, and didn’t know constitution changes proposed at his highly chael, was dragged out of the Starbucks where to cross as the Union hadn’t lobbied desolate General Meeting. The deep sor- he was residing in, kicking and screaming the local council hard enough to clarify. row he felt while realising that the world Is shouting “just let me rubber stamp one more It turns out her confi dence in the ‘shared bigger than Imperial College Union and its payment!” He was taken to a rough jail on a space’ meaning that cars will look out for pedantic constitution can only be imagined far away island and quickly became friends pedestrians was tragically high. She was by the most creative of us, those of us who with all of the most powerful inmates. Mul- run over by a stampede of horses, analo- would have been an Art History student in a tiple times the guards were accused of tor- gous to the end of Mufasa in The Lion King, different life sans competitive parents. Like turing Michael, by not allowing him to use although less children cried and her voice the great actor Heath Ledger, his work will Excel, but rather insisting he makes tables in wasn’t the same as Darth Vader. It’s also surely be recognised after his passing. Word. However, the US Government, who less likely that she will speak to students as Why Scott thought he could deepthroat run the jail, replied belligerently by saying a cloud in the sky at any point. a chicken escalope baguette from the in- “la la la we’re not listening, can’t hear you, Surprisingly, Arsène Wenger was actually famous Sandwich Shop is anyone’s guess, sorry, your question is invalid as my fi ngers on the scene and standing two metres away but if anything, he knew what he was doing are in my ears”, the spokesman then stuck at the time of the fateful incident. When this time. He fi nally took a stance and stuck his head in the ground. Very soon after his questioned during the investigation he re- with it. Fortunately the baguette stuck in his arrival, he became the guard’s favourite in- portedly said that he “could not comment” throat, ridding the world of another syco- mate when he started doing all of their tax as he “did not see the incident clearly”. This phantic middle man. returns for them. is contrary to reports that he was staring at To say there would never be another man Some speculate that it was suicide in the it intently. like Scott Heath would be of credit to his end. He was found slumped in his cell with It has been said that a certain Mayor of character, however this is not the case. The a stethoscope tightly wrapped around his the city allegedly wasn’t on hand as he was student body has elected another middle nether regions and a grin on his face, pos- too busy chasing off muggers screaming class white man to fi ll the same size 9 shoes. sibly a throwback to his days as a medic. “oiks”. Wenger also did not see this incident. FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 37 IMPERIAL HANGMAN ET GRISLY ENDS. OH-YOU-ARE-A-BITCH-UARIES

Jason Parmar Nic Massie Colvin Secret Lad

echnology was always Jason very single week, Nic almost ecret and Lad are two Parmar’s Achilles’ heel. Nota- thought about maybe doing words not normally associ- ble moments of his life includ- work. One time this term, he ated with Felix Editor Matt ed trying to tether a Windows notably turned up to the of- Colvin (also known as The phone with a Chromebook, fi ce at 2pm – beating his Colvinator), however this and single handedly buying previous record by an entire goes to prove Matt’s lad- every Olympic Ticket avail- hour. He worked tirelessly for dish behaviour was indeed able. many weeks to get posters in that secret. Colvin Secret However the world of gadgets and giz- the toilets, an aim that he has left to his suc- Lad was spotted at various points through- Tmos would prove to get the best of him, with cessorE to fi nish. Many students have fond outS the year, continually on the prowl, ever the recent Microsoft press release sending memories of the Green Week he organ- searching for his next release of sexual ten- him over the edge. Some say he shouldn’t ised. One student, who FELIX! stopped in sion. Something that occurred quite often have disregarded the obvious early warn- the library, said: “what and when was that? in order to alleviate the wounds suffered ing signs such as losing his hair and not Now piss off and let me get a potato.” from furiously typing on his keyboard 18 being able to ejaculate without watching Not satisfi ed with his offi ce being a place hours a day, resting only to sleep, eat, forni- porn, but no one could have foreseen Ja- of work, he converted it into a sex dungeon, cate, and sometimes deliver the newspaper son’s dark decent in to feral life. luckily the supply of free condoms came in around college on time. In a bizarre public display, Jason tore his useful. Unfortunately, Durex couldn’t keep Unfortunately the wounds became too se- clothes off while surrounded by his peers up a steady enough supply to keep it vere, both physically and mentally. The con- and ran away. He was found weeks later packed out. Pasante fortunately stepped in stant nightmares of the Daily Mail calling by a elderly couple out dogging by Rich- at the last minute. Matt about an illicit article broke his origi- mond park (who decided that the Sas- His unfortunate demise was only discov- nally solid mental wellbeing, reducing him quatch-like corpse wouldn’t put them off) ered when he didn’t turn up to work for a to the point where he had no option but to in a very compromising position. Allegedly, week. The next week, the staff at the Un- shear his fi ngers off with a pneumatic press Jason’s body was found with his non-dom- ion started to become worried as this was just so he couldn’t write anymore. Just when inant hand wrapped around his 3” penis a new record and decided to investigate. he felt the sweet release of responsibility, (very thorough journalistic investigation was When they went into his dungeon, they Matt came to realise that a life with no fi n- conducted to obtain this accurate fi gure). found several ‘respectable’ politicians, who gers was more tormenting than that before. The autopsy confi rmed that he had placed all suddenly pretended they had ‘walked He wasn’t able to maintain the existence he a hard straight twig down his urethra, pre- into the wrong room’ and ‘were on a tour’ once treasured, worse yet he was unable to sumably for heightened pleasure while and had ‘lost their boxers’. take his own life. masturbating. The deviant sex act for one is A whole team of detectives, including Ben- Fortunately, his pain was alleviated when said to have caused an infection that would edict Cumberbatch, who was chosen as he he was crushed to death by a large iMac normally have been treated by broad has played Sherlock Holmes, and therefore and several broken keyboards. These fell spectrum antibiotics, however Imperial Col- must be good at fi nding people, were all on from the top of a wardrobe on the one oc- lege Medical centre couldn’t arrange an the hunt for the missing Deputy President. casion he nearly cleaned up the FELIX! of- appointment for several years. Nic died in an unfortunate pubic hair shav- fi ce. He may have escaped, had a stack of Jason died the way he like to live. Erect. If ing incident: he was shot while shaving his un-fi led FELIX! back issues not hit him in the it wasn’t for Jason’s work on online podcast- pubic hairs, by a student who really wanted head. Matt was only found when The Times ing, future students would have to actually to see a poster in a toilet. His ashes were called him up wanting a quote. Reportedly, attend lectures. Thank You Jason. R.I.P. buried, in free condoms, around Beit Quad. his last words were “lessons must be learnt”. THE Skeleton Fund

This summer, this guy will cycle this guy

And in the process beat a record set by this guy from Louisville, Kentucky in 1987, 25 years ago.

Also, The entire length of this guy... Great Britain to help fund bursaries for Imperial students www.skeletonfund.com Every penny you donate goes towards scholarships for Imperial students Donate at JustGiving.com/TheSkeletonFund FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 39 Sport Editor: Indy LeTwerp IMPERIAL SPORT [email protected] French success for Handball IC 1st XI begin ULU Cam- paign with crushing win! ...Continued from Back Page Stefan Bauer, who has been on all 5 trips that Eagles made to France said Rajiv Bhur blings of his bowler. As it turned out, “I would never have dreamed that one Cricket not another run was scored with the day we will be able to compete with batsman being run-out of the fi nal ball French Universities at such a high lev- Following a week of rain, few expect- attempting a quick single. el. What the club has achieved over the ed a match to be played. Yet Sunday Set 168 to win, Imperial embarked last 5 years is immense and it would dawned cloudless, paving the way for upon the chase cautiously, reaching have been impossible without the com- one of the most exciting cricket match- the end of the 10th over with a score mitment of all the members. We have es to have ever been played by an Impe- of 28/2.Opener Anmol Bedi prevented no BUCS points to win and no money rial team. a collapse with a studious innings of to spend, but every week people come Captained by William Baker, the 2nd 29 from 55 deliveries, but aside from a and give their best to make this team as XI arrived at Fortress H (renamed from 28-ball 17 from in-form Ahsaan Ismail, good as it can be. It’s touching.” Harlington by one confi dent member received little support. At the halfway The draw was not easy as there were Handball standing triumphant of the team earlier that morning) to stage, Imperial were 69/4 requiring 99 only 3 teams per group and 4 knock- lose the toss and be asked to bowl. The runs from the next 20 overs. out games, including the fi nal, to win pitch, as can be imagined by its uncov- In strode Vignesh, who immedi- the trophy. This means that every game lost balls carelessly while at the same ue for the semi-fi nals, greeted by fan- ered nature, was damp and slow. ately increased the team’s run-rate. As could be the last one if the teams are time struggling to defend Nancy’s very fares and bewildered looking French- President Ian Woolf got the team of the last recognised batsman, it was up complacent. The Imperial 2nd team, short and windy play-maker from Por- men, they were given the sad news to a good start by dismissing one of to him guide the team home. He hit a largely consisting of Imperial players tugal and brutish-looking right-back. that the girls team was only narrowly the opening batsmen for just 3. This couple of lovely cover-drives for four, from years gone by, was set to face defeated in the quarterfi nal in a venue was swiftly followed by a sharp piece which were then followed by a glorious Lyons alumni’s and ECN. Expectant- the other side of Lyon. This meant that of work in the fi eld by Vignesh Ven- six. However, wickets were still falling ly, they proved to be too diffi cult for “the Imperial Eagles it was on the Eagles to defend the hon- kateswaran, running out their number 3 around him and to make matters worse, a team that has never played in this our of the Club against Telecom Paris, batsman for a duck. he started suffering from cramps. formation. After 2 very entertaining had to overcome who despite their short stature were However, King’s managed to steady The score with 10 overs to play was matches, the veterans joined the fi rst rumoured to have played a very good the ship with a partnership of 58 runs. 114/7. At the crease were Vignesh with team in the quest for the title. Mean- another ghost from tournament up to then. In their fi rst at- It was at this point that Captain Baker a runner and Ian Woolf. Slowly, but while, the girls team could repeat their tack, the windy Parisian left wing left delivered a masterstroke by introducing surely they began to haul in the target. coup from last year and edge past Cen- their past” the Imperial defence fl ummoxed with the left-hand orthodox spin of Vignesh. With the fi eld pushed out for Vignesh, trale Lyon, Paris and Polytechnique a quick return pass from his neighbour He struck with his very fi rst ball, the he could only obtain singles, but for to secure a place in the quarterfi nals. On the other side of the court, a man and opened the scoring. Stefan Bauer, umpire adjudging the remaining open- Ian, the fi eld was in and he responded An impressive result for a team that who looked as if he was a laboratory motivated by the crucial penalty safe in ing batsman to be out LBW. by wielding the willow with tremen- was founded merely 2 years ago and product specially designed to be hit the quarterfi nal and keen to make his Vignesh, it seems, was everywhere. dous effect, scoring some much needed the result of hard work on their be- hard by balls proved diffi cult for the 5th trip to Lyon the stuff of legends, He was involved in the fi rst three dis- boundaries. half. Captain Annabelle Mayers com- eagles shooters to overcome. With was determined to show the audience missals and proceeded to be involved With 12 runs to win however, Vignesh mented “We try to be realistic with our merely 3 minutes to go Nancy took a that there is a quality player behind in the next three, grabbing two more went for one big shot too many and expectations, but the last 2 years have time-out and the Eagles gathered near that neon truck on his goalkeeping wickets himself and taking another fi ne was caught. The tension in the dress- shown that we can compete with much the centre-line with their heads down. shirt and prevented the Eagles from catch. King’s were being held together ing room was palpable. The number more established clubs, which is very It was that moment when Max Flash- falling too far behind with a sprawl- by their helmetless number 4 batsman, 10 batsman walking out to the middle, encouraging for the next years”. The back’s motivational speech and Kristof ing safe against the right wing trying but once he was dismissed by Captain Ganesh Kumar, was known only for his men’s fi rst team was set to face last Kölker’s determined yet rather crude to convert a counterattack. In attack, a Baker, they were struggling at 106/6. big swing. Nevertheless, Ian showed year’s fi nalist Lille in their fi rst game shouting woke the inner fi ghting spirit clever mixture between the relentless With the fi nal 10 overs upon them, composure born of 4 years at Imperial before trying to fend off Lyons 3rd of the representatives from London. In force of Kolja Ortmann and Adrian the remaining King’s batsmen were and reduced the equation from 11 runs team. In typical Eagles fashion they these 3 minutes, Imperial would not Nadal on the line and fast waves of pushing for every run. A mix-up and of 12 balls to 2 runs of the last 6, by would have a shaky start, but managed concede a goal and score 3 themselves, attack from Kristof Koelker, Charles a good throw in from the deep ended hitting a magnifi cent four over cover. to control Lille’s left handed half-back, thanks to Stefan Bauer fi nally fi nding Missiaen opened gaps for shots from a good cameo by their number 8 bats- Ganesh was on strike for the fi nal over there only source of danger and win the his way into what Roberto Galli refers the back position through Lucas man, which had pushed their score up to their opening bowler and seemed in- game. This was followed by a convinc- to as “the Zone” and some rather intel- Carstens and Max Flashback, as well to 157/8. The drama, however, was just tent on fi nishing the job with one hit. ing 17:0 win over the hosts 3rd team in ligent play in attack. Having equalised as the wing positions through Roberto starting. In the fi nal over of the innings, Indeed the bat fl ew out of his hands at what turned out to be a practice game. in the dying seconds of the game, the Galli and Thibault Hervier. In defence, their number 11 batsman was bowled one point, but he failed to make contact In the round of 16, IC had to face Imperial Eagles had to overcome an- an ever-so-reliable Romain Henry took by a ball bouncing twice. He thought with 4 consecutive balls. 2 runs re- Polytechnique, the French military other ghost from their past – a penalty care of every opponent coming his that constituted a no-ball, however the quired now from 2. A single was some- academy and their most renown engi- shootout. Having lost to Manchester way and swift movements from along umpire gave it out. In an act of won- how taken, leaving Ian on strike with neering school who traditionally have University in this situation only one the 6 metre line prevented Paris from derful sportsmanship, Captain Baker the scores level. Then, with a hit past strong sports teams. It was also the month ago, no one was keen to shoot at fi nding any gap big enough to trouble recalled the batsman despite the grum- mid-off, the match was won. former school of Thibault Hervier, the fi rst. However, Charles Missiaen rose Imperials goalkeeper. So it came that, Eagles’ right wing player, which made to the occasion and 4 brave men would despite being one goal down at half this a very prestigious game. A surpris- follow him soon after that. Imperial time, Imperial secured a place in the fi - ingly static opponent with a severe lack got the advantage when the brutish nal of the Challenge Centrale Lyon for of creativity made it easy for the Eagles Nancy-Boy saw his shot come off the the fi rst time ever. IC was determined to make it count. pure physical strength on the line- who were reinforced by players from post. The Nancy goalkeeper felt brave It was a draining day and sleeping Apart from conceding an early coun- positions gave the visitors from Lon- their 2nd team at this stage, fi rst and enough to take a penalty himself, but in tents on a rainy night in the south terattack in the opening minute of the don the upper hand. The game ended foremost Romain Henry, who proved Imperials goalkeeper got the better of of France (if they slept at all) did not game, the Eagles made no mistake 18:20 for the Eagles. It is a beautiful to be a vital addition in the games to him and saved his shot with a brilliant help the team. The 8am throw-off and remained in control of the game story of team-work, determination and come. The quarterfi nal was reached stop to his bottom right, meaning that again Centrale Paris, who overcame throughout. Stefan Bauer with prob- taking the initiative that lead them to and spirits were high, when we got the the Eagles had the chance to win it with the hosts fi rst team in the semi-fi nal ably the best goalkeeping display the this point and one that surely deserves news that IC had to face their nemesis the 4th penalty. Thibault Hervier made and put an end to their hopes of win- tournament has seen in years gave the recognition. Knowing the team, they – the Nancy-Boys. Suddenly there was no mistake and sealed the place in the ning the title for the 11th time on a row, Imperial the confi dence to dominate will not be complacent, but continue to an elephant in the room and people re- semi-fi nal, much to the delight of Lu- was the last hurdle for the Eagles on their opponents in their own half. A work hard and ensure they can sustain membered their tragic defeat to the Al- cas Carstens, who was left speechless their route to glory and fame. Joined mixture of fast counter attacks via the their efforts and maybe even surprise ligators the year before. Imperial fell by the intense encounter. by future president Yannick Seis and wing positions, powerful shots from some unsuspecting Germans at the back to their shaky way of playing and As the team moved into the big ven- left-handed veteran Ruben Freytag, the 9-metre-line by the half-backs and IDEA League in the summer. SPORTISSUE 1523 22.06.12

WWEE NNEVEREVER DOUBTEDDOUBTED YOUYOU WWAYNE!AYNE!

– ENGLANDENGLAND WWINSINS EEUROURO 22012012 AASS ROONEYROONEY OVERCOMESOVERCOMES ADVERSITYADVERSITY TOTO BBECOMEECOME A HHEROERO

((ASAS DDREAMTREAMT UUPP BBYY FELIXFELIX!!)) Imperial Eagles: probably the best University Handball in France

Stefan Bauer sity to be invited to compete. However, the celebration appeared to their opponent - Centrale Nancy also rewarded with third place in the end, Handball Despite this privilege, which is a get in the way of the handball. A strong known as the alligators or the Nancy- but it was devastating for everyone welcome opportunity to get some com- group draw paired with an even stron- Boys. The big stage turned out to be involved to come so close to a place The Imperial Eagles Handball Club petitive games, it has proven diffi cult ger hangover lead to Imperial having too much for the Eagles, who failed to in the fi nal and yet go home with the has won the most prestigious universi- to stand up to the teams from France, to surrender to the French again. Al- convert 3 clear chances to take the lead bronze medal around their neck. The ty sports tournament in France and de- the fi rst nation to hold the Olympic, though not very successful, this year in the dying minutes of the second half team continued to work hard and two nied the hosts the 11th successive title. World and European titles at the time. proved to be the turning point for the and lost by merely one goal. The girls weeks later would cruise to a comfort- Every year the Ecole Centrale Lyon In the year 2008, a team of merely 7 club and their sporting ambition, be- team, in their maiden year, were re- able second place in the charity dodge- hosts one of the biggest sports tourna- players travelled to the continent in cause in 2011 Imperial would come markably successful in their group and ball tournament at which point Lucas ments in Europe, when all engineering search of fame, but returned with 4 back much stronger. At that time, the reached the quarterfi nals too, where Carstens said “3rd in Manchester, 2nd schools in the country send sports del- defeats in the group stages and the set club was renowned for its off-court in- they would suffer a similar fate to the in dodgeball,... We sall come 1st in egations to the south of France in order of white shirts they had to draw their volvement. The Eagles were loved and men’s team. Lyon!” to compete in a variety of disciplines. names on, because the club did not treasured by all their fellow sportsmen It was an agonising wait for the next On 16 March, Eagles from across Eu- 8,000 students roam the campus of the even have a kit back then. The follow- and sportswomen as friends, but this chance to show the world what the club rope spread their wings and gathered in University for one weekend in March ing year, Imperial managed to over- was the year they would be feared as has become over the last 4 years, but it Lyon. For the fi rst time, Imperial could to determine the best sports teams and come a few of their opponents, but opponents. After some superb Hand- came at the UK University Champion- enter 2 men’s teams into the competi- crown the overall champion. Guillau- missed out on the knock-out stages be- ball in the group stages, including an ships in February. Imperial comfort- tion and a women’s team, forming a me Dufresne, the fi rst ever team cap- cause of goal difference and some rath- impressive win against Lille (fi nalist ably beat future champions Essex in delegation of 32 players. This shows tain of the Imperial College Handball er questionable refereeing on behalf of that year), the Eagles had made it into the group stages and only narrowly the success the club has had and how Club and former student at said school the hosts. In 2010 the squad became the knock-out stages for the fi rst time. lost to the hosts from Manchester Uni- much hard work went into the devel- has established a friendly relationship larger and players from previous years The quarter fi nal was played in the big versity in the penalty shoot-out of the opment of Handball at Imperial. Tal- between the two schools, which lead to would return to the club for one week- sports hall with many spectators and semifi nals. A strong defensive display isman player and founding member Imperial being the only foreign univer- end to celebrate and play handball. entire battalions of fanfares to support and the incredible fi ghting spirit were ...Continued on Page 39