FELIX!FREE! ANTICLIMAX! THE LATEST IMPERIAL NEWS ISSUE 1523•FRIDAY 22 JUNE•KEEP THE CAT FREE LAST ISSUE OF TERM! (IF YOU SEE IT, IT’S PROBABLY MADE UP) WILL SMITH RETURNS TO UNEXPECTED! ETHOS FOR ‘LEGITIMATE EXERCISE’ BLUNDER! WEDDING FELIX! EDITOR-ELECT OOFF TTHEHE YYEAR!EAR! BURNS DOWN OFFICE – ‘‘THETHE LAWNLAWN IISS BBACKACK AANDND WWE’REE’RE FFEELINGEELING GGREAT!REAT!’ DOORS! The SECRET is out! Rector TELLS ALL! Queen’s Tower EXPECTING marquees! LIBRARY ENTRANCES HOW MANY IS TOO MANY? 2 FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 SERIOUS! EVERYONE REJOICES ONE LAST THING... AS CLASSIFIEDS END I’ll keep it brief. It’s been fun! Rooms available for rent in Earls and laundering services on your door Court step. Beyond that, forgive me for trans- One double bedroom for one person Sharing with two other mature and forming Felix into something a lit- in a fl atshare at £145/pw available responsible postgraduate students, for rent in Earls Court, including all bills the room comes with a double bed, tle trashier for one week only. But except water and internet. wardrobe and study desk. hey, what can I say? It’s the end of Conveniently located, 20 minutes Clean and tidy housemates pre- walk to Imperial College, 1 minute ferred. NO PETS AND NO SMOKERS. term… walk to Earls Court tube station, 3 min- For viewing or more info please But all of my thanks go to every- utes walk to local supermarkets plus a contact email joe.fang.zhou@gmail. one on this year’s Felix team. Be- wide range of pubs/bars, restaurants com. yond all doubts, it’s been thanks to you and your boundless enthusiasm ! that we’ve been able to go to print This year FELIX has been... every week. The Friday highs, the Wednesday night lows, and every- Applying like mad to the Business School after Deciding against moving into Clayponds after they started giving out free iPads to their stu- hearing that it’s closing. thing else in between, it’s been a dents. Excited about avoiding even more lectures, journey that’s also been a privilege Laughing as UCL thinks that moving away and catching up on sleep, as lecture podcasts to share with you. from the honours system and towards GPAs become a reality. There have been some great sto- will make anyone think they’re good. Com- Swaggering down the newly opened Exhibi- mendable effort though. tion Road with Boris Johnson in tow. ries to work on, and some that I’m Drunk after hearing about the Union’s new Still buzzing from the euphoria of live blogging sure next year’s Editor – Tim – will bar policy, and so just purchasing a keg the old TEDx and Varsity. continue to survey with a keen eye. fashioned way (Internet). Grinding out an even bigger sex survey. Anyway, enough of that, onto the Accidentally broke some speakers when we Punk-rocking with Johnny Rotten, completely latest Imperial gossip. I didn’t real- misinterpreted what “better feedback” actu- accidentally. ally meant. Shrugging at the Guardian’s new league ta- ise the other national papers were Shocked by the sudden, heavily opposed, plans bles. joining us in providing some laugh- to change the Holland Club. Sleeping during Council meetings. Seriously. ter in the news, I mean, O-Levels, that’s a great one! (Wait, sorry, SERIOUS! that’s not a joke? Oh.) RECREATIONAL CLUBS COMMITTEE AWARDS 2012 –Editor The Recreational Clubs Committee Carla Canturri – Synchronised Swim- Simon Evans – Fellwanderers A much greater magnitude of rec- present the following awards: ming Yue Chin Chew – Knitsock ognition, awarded for efforts, usu- Caz Yang – Gaming Zachary Smith – War Games ally over a number of years, beyond RCC Club of the Year Derfogail Delcassian – Canoe Approved by the RCC Colours Com- those expected of an individual within Felix Editor called Synchronised Swimming Giulia Grimaldi – Underwater mittee 15 June 2012. RCC Clubs & Societies. before Leveson Jim Carr – Fellwanderers for crimes against RCC Fellowship Leonard How – Mahjong RCC Merit: Awarded for achieve- RCC Fellowship: Shall only be Afandi Darlington – Gliding Luke Bacon – Underwater ments, commitment or social prowess awarded to those individuals who journalism, Matthew Lees – Mountaineering of an individual. have served RCC Clubs & Societies Page 76 RCC Distinguished Service Award or the RCC Exec extensively, and Chris Mark – Fellwanderers RCC Merit RCC Colours: Awarded for efforts enhanced the student experience in Clare Tan – Caving Andrew Wilkins – Mountaineering above and beyond those expected an exceptional manner, over a num- James Carver – Snooker Anthony Hartley – Underwater of a persons’ role or to individuals ber of years. It is not anticipated that Jonathan Westoby – Gliding Gavin MacAulay – Fellwanderers who have given signifi cant and re- there will be nominees of suffi cient Nathaniel Bottrell – Fellwanderers Hari Arora – Snooker peated outstanding contributions to standard for this to be given each Hiu Yan Lam – LINKS the student experience within RCC year. Each individual, so awarded, RCC Colours Nathan Scrivens – Pilots Clubs & Societies throughout the year. will be given a pewter tankard with Boris Korzh – Outdoor Savan Shah – LINKS RCC Distinguished Service Award: the year engraved. Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. Email: [email protected]. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. Printed by Iliffe Print Cambridge, Winship Road, Cambridge.Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711. Copyright © Felix 2012. Editor-in-Chief Matthew Colvin Editor-in-Prowling Timor A–Ha–babzadah Deputy Editor Sir Charles Betts Esq. News Editors Sophia David Alex Nowbar Reporter Aemun “The Firecracker” Reza Features Editors Katy could-do-Betterany Stephen Smith Sport Editor Indy “LeTwerp” Leclercq Sports Rookies Gabriel Oppetit Johnny Wong Science Editors Kelly Oakes Alexander “24 Kara Gold” Karapetian Business & Finance Editors Will not-so-fresher Prince Deepka Rana Politics Editors Rajat Jain Joe “Danger” Letts Tech- nology Editors Chris “who?” Bowers Feroz Salam the Badman Comment Editors Tim Arbabzadah Samuel Horticulture Arts Editors Will Prince Eva Rosenthal Music Editors Mark England Ross Gray Simon Hunter Íñigo Martínez De Rituerto Alex Ramadan Fashion Editors Saskia Verhagen Alice Yang Television Editors George Barnett James Simpson Film Editors John Park Lucy Wiles Games Editor Laurence Pope Books Editor Maciej Matuszewski Food Editors Anastasia Eleftheriou Michael Krestas Travel Editors Dushi Arumuganesan Chris Richardson Online Editors Philip Kent Jonathan Kim Puzzles Admiral Jimmy Hook-Up Photo Editor Miles Robertson Photographer Slobodan Radosavljevic Copy Editors Carol Ann Cheah Philip Kent Jonathan Peek Annina Sartor Online Copy Editor and General Person Jack Hewitt Chairman Kadhim “could you f*** off now please? Shubber FELIX! SOLD 1,262,732,879,234,911,128,086,570,344,000 COPIES LAST WEEK!* *SOURCE: SCRIBBLES ON THE BACK OF MY NOTEPAD, YESTERDAY FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 3 IMPERIAL gossip NUDE! GOSSIP! SHOCK! GASP! FILTH! WHEN SABBATICAL OFFICERS GO REALLY BAD! ‘NOTHING CAN COVER OUR UNION BAR NUDE SHAME’ UNION PRESIDENT SCOTT HEATH REVEALS DARK SECRET SHAME AFTER Sponsored Editorial SABB PHOTOGRAPHS LEAK More student cuts mperial Union President Scott Heath actions of the Sabbatical Offi cers, rep- Discount haircuts for Imperial Ihas come clean to FELIX! over the rimanding their behavior in the millenia- “burning shame” of his sabbatical old bar with such biting criticisms as “un- team after they were caught fully nude ruly”, “it actually made me throw up a students at Fresh Hairdressers in the Union Bar on Monday engaging little”, and “what’s a Sabbatical?” in activities that we don’t particularly Scott Heath set forward with the brunt More student cuts for Imperial To book an appointment, students at South Kensington’s call 0207 823 8968. Ask for a want to think about. of apologies to disturbed members of FRESH Hairdressers. student discount and bring your Comments that it was “just for a cen- the College community, claiming that it Men’s cuts £22 Imperial ID. trefold” were swiftly rubbished as “bu- was a “mistake” and “[the Sabbaticals] Women’s shampoo and cut and shake dry £28 reaucratic excuses” by no-one in par- all feel very ashamed with our uncon- Women’s shampoo, cut and ticular. trollable behavior. I can’t deny that it blow-dry £38 Despite vociferous replies from the felt good though!” All of our cuts are done by Union over the purported attendance Next year’s President, Paul Beaumont, highly experienced stylists. Tuesday to Fridays 9.30 to of the FELIX! Editor himself following was contacted by FELIX! for a comment, 4.30 (sorry no discounts on leaked photographs, our lawyers simply but it was exclusively revealed that he Saturdays). had only one word to say: Photoshop. has fl ed the country in an attempt to We are only 70 metres from The two people vaguely aware of the distance himself from this sordid tale South Kensington tube station Union’s work were swift to admonish the ahead of his upcoming position. 4 FRIDAY 22 JUNE 2012 IMPERIAL gossip NEW EDITOR FIRES EVERYONE In an act reminiscent of the traditions of countless maniacal dictators, next year’s FELIX! Editor, the incorrigible and unpronounceable Tim Arbabza- fired! dah, has fi red the entire editorial staff, with the changes coming into effect right now. The tyrant commented to FELIX! on the monumentous decision “I just want a fresh start, you know? Man’s got work to do.” PARK SCANDAL: KATY COULD-DO-BETTERANY REPORTS ournalists in court is a common sight nowadays; but FELIX! never imagined the day that one of Jits own editors would take the stand. The self-styled John “White Ribbon” Park, who is currently standing trial for the alleged stalking of leading lady Madeline Stowe, 53, was today rocked by allegations of illiteracy, as part of an exposé detailed in The Telegraph.