A Written Creative Work submitted to the faculty of San Francisco State University In partial fulfillment of ^ 0 1 q the requirements for m e w tte D q ,re e
Master o f Fine Arts
In
Creative Writing
by
A i Ebashi
San Francisco, California
M ay 2019 Copyright by A i Ebashi 2019 CERTIFICATION OF APPROVAL
I certify that I have read JANUS by Ai Ebashi, and that in my opinion this work meets the criteria for approving a thesis submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirement for the degree Master o f Fine Arts in Creative Writing at San Francisco State University.
M ichelle Carter, M.F.A. Professor o f Creative Writing
fry - Andrew Joron, B.A. Assistant Professor o f Creative Writing JANUS
A i Ebashi San Francisco, California 2019
JANUS is a full-length play which portrays the moment of the psychic disintegration of the Roman God Janus and inner battles that ensue. It explores the themes o f gender, identity, duality, power structure and transgenderism. Through the lenses o f the divided Gods, He Janus and She Janus, who are trapped in an apocalyptic world, I used the yin and yang concept, symbol and dynamics to portray the two polarized forces that are forever opposing or conflicting but are also ultimately complementary. My approach to these themes is philosoph al but I also included physical movement, farcical element and outrageous happenings to create comedic effects.
I certify that the Abstract is a correct representation o f the content o f this written creative work.
Chair, Thesis Committee Date TABLE OF CONTENTS
Cast o f Characters...... vi
Prologue...... 1
Act I Scene 1 ...... - ...... 2
Act I Scene 2 ...... 29
Act I Scene 3 ...... 52
Act I Scene 4 ...... 56
Act I Scene 5 ...... 67
Act I Scene 6 ...... 76
Act I Scene 7 ...... 88
Act II Scene 1...... 96
Act II Scene 2 ...... 119
Act II Scene 3 ...... 132
Act II Scene 4 ...... 134
Act II Scene 5 ...... 136
Act II Scene 6 ...... 143
Act II Scene 7 ...... 144
Act II Scene 8 ...... 156
Act II Scene 9 ...... 164
E pilogue...... 174
v CAST OF CHARACTERS
SHE JANUS: The Goddess o f Beginnings and the Future. He Janus’ other half7alter-ego. (physically bigger than HE JANUS.)
HE JANUS: The God o f Endings and the Past. She Janus’ other halfi'alter-ego.
JUPITER: The God o f the Sky, the King God. Juno’s brother and husband.
JUNO: The Goddess o f Marriage and Family. Jupiter’s sister and wife.
EAGLE: Jupiter’s pet, played by a female actor.
MESSENGER/BLIND CLEANER/POLICEMAN/THEY TRAVELER: played by the same actor. Non-binary person preferred.
SETTING
The action takes place in Janus’ psychic world and on Mt. Olympus. The time is the present. 1
Prologue
The Big Bang
(There are flashes of light similar to those you
sometimes see in your vision, the ones that
come from inside your eyes or brains and not from
outside you, followed by the sound of an
explosion)
(Blackout.)
/ 2
A£XI Scene 1
(Lights up on a post-apocalyptic world. HE,
JANUS and SHE JANUS, dressed in black and
white, like yin & yang, are standing, feeing each
other. The room is empty except for two doors:
Entrance Door and Exit Door.)
SHE JANUS
This is it.
HE JANUS
Excuse me?
SHE JANUS
This is it.
HE JANUS
You already said that.
SHE JANUS
It’s either you or me.
HE JANUS
What? 3
SHE JANUS
Or nobody.
HE JANUS
Who? Us?
SHE JANUS
Who else?
HE JANUS
But...
SHE JANUS
Don’t “but” me!
HE JANUS
But...
SHE JANUS
Man. What did I just tell you?
HE JANUS
But-... Don’t tell me “don’t”! And don’t call me “man”! I’m God!
SHE JANUS
We are Gods 4
HE JANUS
That’s right. We’re God.
SHE JANUS
Gods. With an “s.”
(HE JANUS doesn’t get it.)
In the plural. Not the singular.
HE JANUS
What is this, a grammar lesson? Anyway, it’s not like we’re...
(Realizing he’s no longer one with her.)
Wait a minute. Are you... Am I... Are you and I... What happened to us?
SHE JANUS
You’ve just realized, now?
HE JANUS
(Giving her a long look.)
You’re so much uglier than I thought.
SHE JANUS
Stop being an asshole. Now’s not the time for-
HE JANUS
Whatever it is, it’s fine. 5
SHE JANUS
The world has ended and we’ve been split in two like a fucking watermelon. And you call this “fine”?
HE JANUS
At least we’re still in one piece... Not really, but...
(Pause.)
Alright, so we've been split in two, yes. Like a watermelon, maybe. But the world’s ended? Where did you get that crazy idea?
SHE JANUS
You don’t believe me?
(She gestures for him to go took out of the window. He does.)
HE JANUS
Hey, looks like the power’s out.
SHE JANUS
Just accept it! There’s no such thing as the “world” anymore.
HE JANUS
For real?
(He looks out o f the window again)
But... why? 6
SHE JANUS
How many times do I have to tell you not to start a sentence with a “but”?
HE JANUS
Let’s say that the world really ended. Who gives a shit whatever word I use to start a sentence!?
SHE JANUS
I do. Because I’m the God of Beginnings, you see. I can’t stand when someone
HE JANUS
I am not “someone”! I am...
(Pause.)
Uh-oh. I’m the God o f Endings!
SHE JANUS
Duh.
HE JANUS
But... I didn’t end the world. Or... did I?
(Pause.)
This can’t be happening.
SHE JANUS
I’m glad that you’re finally grasping the situatioa 7
HE JANUS
There must be some mistake!
SHE JANUS
It’s too late. Get over it.
HE JANUS
No way!
(He hurriedly exits through Exit Door but soon comes back in
through Entrance door.)
There’s nothing out there.
SHE JANUS
What do you expect?
HE JANUS
But really nothing. Like, even me. I... I vanished the moment I exited. And suddenly,
I’m back here...
(He exits and comes back again. Then he opens both doors and
sees if they’ll be left open. The doors close by themselves.)
SHE JANUS
What are you doing? 8
HE JANUS
Our doors are supposed to be closed in times o f peace and open only in times o f war.
SHE JANUS
Obviously there’s no more war.
HE JANUS
But there’s no more peace either, no? ...This is too much!
(HE JANUS breaks down. SHE JANUS waits impatiently.)
SHE JANUS
Are you done?
HE JANUS
Why are you so calm? Aren’t you at least a little bit concerned?
SHE JANUS
I am,
HE JANUS
You are not. You’re acting as if nothing’s wrong
SHE JANUS
I’m not the kind o f God who dwells on the past. What’s done is done. I’m more concerned about what we should do now. 9
HE JANUS
Such as?
SHE JANUS
Start a new world.
HE JANUS
Start a new world?
SHE JANUS
From scratch
HE JANUS
From scratch?
SHE JANUS
Stop repeating what I say!
HE JANUS
But...
(SHE JANUS reacts to the word “But.”)
HE JANUS
How?
SHE JANUS
I told you: It’s either you or me... Let me rephrase that: It’s either he or she. 10
HE JANUS
(Looks around.)
Who? Am I missing something here?
SHE JANUS
(Pointing at him and herself.)
You - he. Me - she. Got it?
HE JANUS
Enough o f your grammar lesson! Anyway, “you” is not a “he” and “me” is not a
“she.”
SHE JANUS
Forget it. All I’m saying is, enough is enough
HE JANUS
Right.
(Pause.)
Meaning?
SHE JANUS
I’m lucking ted up with you and want a divorce.
HE JANUS
But it’s not like we’re married or anything. 11
SHE JANUS
But we’ve been a little too close to each other, don’t you think?
HE JANUS
Until a few minutes ago, we were literally one...
(Thinks.)
What exactly are you trying to say?
SHE JANUS
I’m gonna get rid of you!
(Suddenly, the room darkens, a sad music starts playing and a
spotlight is cast on HE JANUS. SHE JANUS looks at him with
disgust during his monologue below.)
HE JANUS
But...
Why do things have to end?
Even though I, the God o f Endings,
Have never intended to end?
We were always one, you and me
Depending on and blending with each other
Spending time forever and ever together 12
HE JANUS (cont’d)
Be it good weather or bad weather
We shared the same body and
Wore the same boots made from leather
We did barbecue every weekend
Walked back against the wind when reaching a dead-end
Until now, when suddenly, you became offended
And decided to have nothing to do with me anymore
But...
What does it mean to be fed up with your other half?
What does it mean to get rid o f your other half?
What will happen after your other half is gone?
Will you still be the same half all by yourself or
Will you be a new half that looks for another new half or
Will you be a whole that’s actually a half thinking that it’s a whole that’s complete by itself and that’s not even consisting o f any half?
(Pause. He contemplates his own questions.)
Which makes me wonder,
What is the definition of “half’? 13
HE JANUS (cont’d)
And is it true that you can keep cutting things in half without any end?
That would be something, wouldn’t it?
To spend your entire immortal life forever cutting things in half
But I digress...
The point is,
Is it impossible to mend a broken relationship?
Like it’s impossible to get a free membership?
All I want is a happy ending
Not your average happy ending
But my special happy ending
Because I’m the God o f Endings and
That would suit me better than anything else
In conclusion,
I don’t understand why on earth you, the God o f Beginnings, are trying to end our age- old, divine partnership...
(The music changes and the spotlight is shifted to SHE JANUS.
HE JANUS tries to interrupt her in order to regain the spotlight
while she speaks below.) SHE JANUS
I am not trying to end but
Trying to start, you dumbass!
You seem to think that I’m your “other-half’
But I’m neither your “other” nor your “half’
In fact,
I’m not even “yours” to begin with
So stop this we-complete-each-other type o f bullshit
Do you think I enjoy sharing the same body
And wearing the same boots with you
Day in day out?
While the back o f your head stuck to
The back o f my head, causing me to
Forever sweat and itch like a bitch?
I’m so much better off on my own
Munching a bag of popcorn
Than grilling meat with you
That I don’t even like to eat
Only to smell like smoke all over my body! (She clears throat and suppresses her anger.)
SHE JANUS (cont’d)
It’s time we call it quits and go our separate ways
Instead of fooling ourselves, saying that it’s just a phase
Coz life is short
Even for us immortal Gods
And you can never eat the same dinner twice
No matter how well you cook your rice
All I want is to start a new life
Not your average new life
But my own special new life
In which you and I no longer call ourselves “I”
As if we were one God
In which you and I are no longer called by others “He”
As if we were a male God
Coz we are never and have never been and will never be
One and the same God
And I’m a “She” God, not a “He” God
Though you might be a “He” God, not a “She” God 16
SHE JANUS (cont’d)
In short,
I don’t give a fuck whatever you say, but
I, the God o f Beginnings, am already starting everything over as we speak!
(SHE JANUS waves her arms and casts her magic spell to start
a new world. The music stops and the lights become normal.)
HE JANUS
Is that the reason you want to break up with me? Because we’re called “he” and not
“she”?
SHE JANUS
That’s certainly one o f the most important ones, though not the only reason.
HE JANUS
But...
SHE JANUS
The use o f the wrong pronoun is not only profane but obscene. I even believe that it could be bad for your health.
HE JANUS
You’re too caught up with all those grammatical details! 17
SHE JANUS
And you should be too. Because grammar is structure. And structure is everything.
HE JANUS
That’s ridiculous. And who cares if they call us “he” or “she”?
SHE JANUS
You wouldn’t mind if someone thought you were a She-God?
HE JANUS
(Thinks.)
Let’s not talk about that. We have much more important things to do.
SHE JANUS
Like?
HE JANUS
The world’s ended! And since I didn’t end it, someone must’ve ended it and that’s totally unacceptable. We’ve got to find out who did this.
SHE JANUS
I don’t care.
HE JANUS
Don’t be so self-centered. Besides, what else are we gonna do now- 18
SHE JANUS
I told you, I’ll start a new world.
HE JANUS
But...
SHE JANUS
And I already did.
HE JANUS
You did?
SHE JANUS
I just made a very significant, landmark announcement. And I cast a spell on-
HE JANUS
You mean, you’ve really started “everything over”?
SHE JANUS
Go check it out.
(HE JANUS goes to look out o f the window.)
HE JANUS
Well?
SHE JANUS
Don’t you see? 19
HE JANUS
I don’t see anything.
SHE JANUS
You don’t see anything?
HE JANUS
The power’s still out and...
(He goes out through the Exit Door and re-enters through the
Entrance Door.)
There’s still nothing out there.
SHE JANUS
You’re lying.
(She goes to the window only to see that it’s pitch dark outside.
In a hurry and in a bit o f panic, she goes out the Exit Door before
coming back through the Entrance Door.)
What the...
HE JANUS
Isn’t it amazing? You literally disappear while you’re outside this room
SHE JANUS
This is not possible! 20
HE JANUS
I know, right?
SHE JANUS
Where’s the world I’ve just created?
HE JANUS
Wherever it is, it’s not here, mat’s for sure.
(SHE JANUS exits and re-enters, followed by HE JANUS who
does the same. Coming back, they stand facing each other.)
HE JANUS
See? I wasn’t lying.
SHE JANUS
But...
HE JANUS
BUT?
(Pause.)
I’m glad that we’re finally on the same page.
SHE JANUS
How come? 21
HE JANUS
I guess in order for you to start a new world, first, 1 have to end the existing one.
SHE JANUS
Why?
HE JANUS
Because w e’re a pair. We both have to agree or otherwise
SHE JANUS
So, I must get rid of you, physically.
HE JANUS
What?
SHE JANUS
Splitting up like this is not enough-1 must actually, physically get rid o f you.
HE JANUS
All I said was we both have to agree-
SHE JANUS
I’m gonna terminate you permanently!
HE JANUS
Now, you’re not making any sense, honey. 22
SHE JANUS
Don’t call me “honey” again! Did I ever call you “sugar pie”?
HE JANUS
Well, I’d be more than happy to be called “sugar pie”-
SHE JANUS
What would be the best way to get rid o f you? Since I don’t have a gun or a knife...
HE JANUS
Come on, you can’t shoot me or stab me to death. I’m God and that means I’m immortal.
SHE JANUS
There’s always a way for everything, even when it seems there’s none.
(She pushes HE JANUS towards Exit Door.)
HE JANUS
What are you doing?
SHE JANUS
I never thought this thing would come in handy so soon.
HE JANUS
What thing?
SHE JANUS
The nothing, out there. 23
HE JANUS
You’re gonna reduce me to nothing, is that what you’re trying?
SHE JANUS
Shhh, shhh, shut up! Go away!
HE JANUS
Stop it, hey!
(SHE JANUS kicks him out and closes Exit Door. Then, she sits
down with her back against Entrance Door to keep him from
coming back in. A long pause, during which SHE JANUS is half
uneasy, half bored. She stands up and looks around the empty
room, before placing her ear against each door to check if he is
still out there. No sound is heard. Finally, overcome with
curiosity, she opens and peeks through Exit Door just when HE
JANUS re-enters through Entrance Door. He JANUS taps the
back of SHE JANUS, who is still poking her head through Exit
Door.)
SHE JANUS
(Jumping up in shock.)
You scared the shit out o f me! 24
HE JANUS
I thought you missed me.
SHE JANUS
Like hell I did! I’m trying to get rid o f you!
HE JANUS
But you can’t.
SHE JANUS
O f course I can.
HE JANUS
Then why am I still here?
SHE JANUS
Because 1 let you back in. By mistake.
HE JANUS
(Sighs.)
Why do you want to be alone all o f a sudden?
SHE JANUS
It’s not “all o f a sudden.” I’ve always, since the very dawn o f history, wanted my freedom, my independence and my own private space where I can do whatever I want- 25
HE JANUS
Like what? Picking your divine nose?
SHE JANUS
You’re disgusting.
(Pause.)
HE JANUS
Let me tell you why we should be together, why you shouldn’t be without me.
SHE JANUS
I don’t want to hear it.
HE JANUS
It’s because-
SHE JANUS
I said I don’t want to near it.
HE JANUS
Because if you stay without me-
SHE JANUS
(Covering her ears with hands.)
Wawawawa... I can’t hear you. I can’t hear you. Wawawawa... 26
HE JANUS
If you stay without me, you’ll no longer exist.
SHE JANUS
(Stops covering her ears.)
What!?
HE JANUS
I thought you couldn’t hear me.
SHE JANUS
I couldn’t. What did you say?
HE JANUS
I said, if you stay without me, you’ll no longer exist.
SHE JANUS
Do you think you can trick me with that kind of bullshit?
HE JANUS
It’s true. Especially given the circumstances.
SHE JANUS
What circumstances?
HE JANUS
In this small, secluded room, in a world where... the world has ended, who do you think 27
HE JANUS (cont’d) you’d be all by yourself? Without me, you’d end up-
SHE JANUS
Don’t be conceited. I don’t need you or anyone to be who I am. Because I’m everything.
I’m God for Heaven’s sake! What more do you want?
HE JANUS
I just want us to be happy. That’s all
SHE JANUS
Yeah, right.
(Pause.)
HE JANUS
Do you really want me to go away?
SHE JANUS
That’d be great, that’d save me a lot o f time.
HE JANUS
Okay then. You’re on your own now.
(He goes to the Exit Door.)
I’m gonna go find whoever is responsible for ending the world. 28
SHE JANUS
Do I care?
HE JANUS
Are you sure? You won’t regret this?
SHE JANUS
Please get the hell out and don’t ever come back.
(HE JANUS exits. SHE JANUS enjoys her privacy for some
time. She picks her divine nose. But slowly, she starts to get antsy.
There is a long, excruciating silence, which makes her act
strangely. She resists her desire to open either door. She looks at
her hands and feels her body to make sure that she exists.)
(Blackout.) 29
ACTi Scene 2
(In the same room. SHE JANUS is still sitting on
the same spot. When there are knocks at Entrance
Door she springs to her feet.)
SHE JANUS
I knew you’d come back!
(She opens Entrance Door. Enter MESSENGER, who is wearing
a postal worker’s uniform and carrying a messenger bag.)
Who are you?
MESSENGER
I’m a messenger.
SHE JANUS
Where’s your winged-hat and winged-sandals?
MESSENGER
I’m not Mercury, the God of Messages and communication. He’s gone.
SHE JANUS
Mercury’s gone?
MESSENGER
Like everybody else. 30
SHE JANUS Who’s everybody?
MESSENGER
You know, like Jupiter and Juno and Neptune and Venus and... all the Gods and the rest, also, every single human being.
SHE JANUS
Where have they gone?
MESSENGER
I’ve no chie. All I know is they’re gone without any trace.
SHE JANUS
Ha! But how come you’re still here?
MESSENGER
Because I have a job to do.
SHE JANUS
What kind o f job?
MESSENGER
I told you. I’m a messenger.
(Pause.)
SHE JANUS
You came here to tell me this? That everybody’s gone without any trace? 31
MESSENGER
No. I came here to deliver this letter to you.
(He takes out an envelope from his bag.)
SHE JANUS
From whom?
MESSENGER
It says... from B.S. Properties.
(He hands the envelope to SHE JANUS, who examines it from
every angle.)
MESSENGER
Why don’t you open and read it?
SHE JANUS
Why don’t you shut up and get lost?
(MESSENGER doesn’t move.)
Your job is done, okay? So feel free to disappear like everybody else.
MESSENGER
But I need your signature.
SHE JANUS
For what? 32
MESSENGER
This is a registered mail. The sender wants me to make sure that you’ye received the letter.
SHE JANUS
Look, I’m not used to being told what to do by a piece o f shit human like you-
MESSENGER
I’m not a human. If I were, I wouldn’t be here.
SHE JANUS
What are you then?
MESSENGER
I told you. I’m a messenger.
SHE JANUS
(She opens the envelope to read the letter.)
‘To Janus, the God of Beginnings and Endings who is occupying the property located at the Threshold.’ What’s this?
(MESSENGER shrugs. She continues to read.)
“You are hereby notified that your tenancy has been terminated and that you are required to surrender possession o f the premises to the Landlord immediately. The reason I have made the decision to terminate your tenancy is as follows: You have 33
SHE JANUS (cont’d) violated Section 4 o f your rental agreement. The provision specifies the limitations on destruction o f rental property. Should you fail to abide by this demand and not vacate the premises in a timely manner, judicial proceedings may be instituted, and you may be subject to arrest and criminal prosecution...”
(Pause.)
What the fuck does this mean?
MESSENGER
Are you asking me?
SHE JANUS
Is there anyone else?
MESSENGER
It looks like you’re being ordered to leave, coz apparently, that’s an eviction letter.
SHE JANUS
That’s all Greek to me. You know I’m a Roman God.
MESSENGER
If I said, “you’re getting kicked out o f your house,” would you understand better?
SHE JANUS
No, because it makes no sense. MESSENGER
But that’s what this is about.
SHE JANUS
Says who?
MESSENGER
The Landlord.
SHE JANUS
Who the hell’s the Landlord!?
MESSENGER
Whoever wrote this letter.
SHE JANUS
What’s his name?
MESSENGER
I can’t tell you that.
SHE JANUS
Why not?
MESSENGER
Because I don’t know it. I’m just a messenger.
(SHE JANUS is irritated. Pause.) SHE JANUS
You’re not a messenger, are you?
MESSENGER
I just said I am.
SHE JANUS
No, you’re not.
MESSENGER
What makes you think that?
SHE JANUS
I don’t think that, I know that. Because I’m God!
MESSENGER
Okay, I won’t argue with you. Just can I get your signature?
SHE JANUS
Don’t act stupid.
MESSENGER
I’m just doing my job.
SHE JANUS
Yeah, sure. That’s the game you’re playing. 36
MESSENGER
Really, can I please get your-
SHE JANUS
I told you, “don’t ever come back.”
MESSENGER
No, you didn’t. I’ve never even met you before.
SHE JANUS
It’s not funny.
MESSENGER
I’m sorry, but I don’t understand what you’re talking about.
SHE JANUS
Stop pretending!
(SHE JANUS attacks MESSENGER, tearing away his clothes,
etc. They struggle, before HE JANUS enters through Entrance
Door.)
HE JANUS
(Seeing MESSENGER and SHE JANUS fighting.)
Oops, wrong room!
(He exits in a hurry.) 37
SHE JANUS
Oh, fuck.
MESSENGER
Please let go! You’re hurting me?
SHE JANUS
(Releasing MESSENGER.)
You’re not him. Who are you?
MESSENGER
How many times do I have to tell you?
HE JANUS
(Re-enters.)
Actually, come to think o f it, there couldn’t be such a thing as a “wrong room” because it’s either this room or nothing at all...
(He sees SHE JANUS.)
Hello, there.
SHE JANUS
I thought you were gone for good.
HE JANUS
I thought so too. But here I am. To my great surprise! 38
SHE JANUS
To my great disappointment. Did you find whoever you were looking for?
HE JANUS
No. But instead, I’ve found .you again. How odd. It seems that these days, wherever I go, there’s nobody but you.
(MESSENGER clears his throat)
HE JANUS
And who might you be?
MESSENGER
I’m a messenger.
SHE JANUS
That’s what he thinks
(MESSENGER snatches the letter out o f SHE JANUS’s hand
and gives it to HE JANUS.)
MESSENGER lam a messenger.
HE JANUS
Do you still exist? I thought the entfre world had vanished.
(He opens the letter and reads it. Pause.) 39
HE JANUS (cont’d)
Uh-oh.
SHE JANUS
What’s that supposed to mean? Do you know what this is about?
HE JANUS
It’s not easy to expla 1.
SHE JANUS
Is that a yes or a no?
HE JANUS
I’ve been waiting for the right time to tell you this, but-
SHE JANUS
Do you know what this letter is about? Yes or no?
MESSENGER
I hate to interrupt, but can I-
SHE JANUS
ANSWER THE GODDAMN QUESTION!
HE JANUS
Yes, yes, I do! 40
SHE JANUS
You do?
HE JANUS
Well. Kind of. I mean, not really. Though if I said I didn’t, I’d be lying...
SHE JANUS
How do you know?
HE JANUS
I, uh... I received a similar notice before.
SHE JANUS
Are you saying that this is the second time you’ve got this?
HE JANUS
The third time, actually.
SHE JANUS
Third time! And you never told me?
HE JANUS
I was waiting for the right time to bring it up, but that didn’t happen until this very moment.
SHE JANUS
You never told me! 41
HE JANUS
I’m telling you now.
MESSENGER
Excuse me. I know you’re in the middle o f something, but-
SHE JANUS
See, this is what I’m talking about.
MESSENGER
Could you sign here real quick?
SHE JANUS
You always fucking do this!
HE JANUS
What?
SHE JANUS
You make decisions without my consent! Just because everybody calls us “he” and not
“she,” you think you’re the primary God and I’m only secondary to you!
HE JANUS
N ot again.
SHE JANUS
Don’t talk to me that way. And admit that you’re the Father of toxic masculinity! 42
HE JANUS
Where does that come from? Besides, have you noticed that your lace is at the front and mine is at the backl
(He realizes that it’s no longer the case.)
I mean, until we got separated...
SHE JANUS
The problem is, you don’t let me start anything on my own, although you end everything
I’ve started just for the fuck o f it. No wonder the world became such a terrible place, where humans, following your example, created a fucking male-dominated dickdoml
HE JANUS
In case you forgot, what you call the “world” is gone and neither o f us is capable o f starting or ending anything anymore. So right now, w e’re perfectly equal, if that’s any consolation to you.
MESSENGER
I think he’s right because nothing exists-
SHE JANUS
Shut up!
(MESSENGER jumps up. Pause.)
So. Who’s this Landlord guy? 43
HE JANUS
I have no idea.
SHE JANUS
If you have no idea, why are you acting so guilty?
HE JANUS
I’m not guilty.
SHE JANUS
Then why did you hide those letters from me?
HE JANUS
It was one of those reflex things.
(SHE JANUS is not convinced.)
Okay, okay. I just didn’t want you to be upset.
SHE JANUS
Why would I be upset?
HE JANUS
Because you get upset about everything.
SHE JANUS
I don’t. 44
HE JANUS
You do.
SHE JANUS
(Shrieking.)
I don’t!
HE JANUS
See?
(MESSENGER giggles, but when stared at by SHE JANUS, he
stifles his laughter.)
SHE JANUS
The question is...
HE JANUS
Could it be that we’ve been renting this place all this time, without knowing it?
SHE JANUS
No! But it’s: What kind o f world is this, where Gods, such as us, get kicked out of their
own place?
MESSENGER
Or: When are you going to give me your freaking signature?
(Pause.) 45
SHE JANUS
You know what, I’m gonna write him back.
HE JANUS
Saying what?
SHE JANUS
I’ll tell him to go fuck himself.
MESSENGER
That’s not a nice thing to say.
SHE JANUS
Are you a messenger or a smart ass?
MESSENGER
(Offended. In the tone o f a smart ass.)
I’m afraid that I won’t be able to deliver your message because this is my last job and
I’ll vanish into thin air once I get your signature.
SHE JANUS
But you’ll never get my signature. Too bad.
(Suddenly, MESSENGER grabs SHE JANUS’s hand and using
her index finger as a pen, forces her to sign the screen o f his
handheld PC. Then he exits, dashing out through Exit Door.) 46
SHE JANUS
He was not a messenger, I’m telling you!
HE JANUS
But what about this letter?
SHE JANUS
No one can possibly evict Gods. That just can’t happea
HE JANUS
This whole thing is weird. First, the world ended although / didn’t end it and then, you couldn’t start a new world-
SHE JANUS
Because you didn’t end it for me to start?
HE JANUS
Exactly.
(Pause.)
It’s just the way things are.
SHE JANUS
I so wanna get rid of you.
HE JANUS
You’ve tried. SHE JANUS
Doesn’t mean I’ve given up.
(Pause. SHE JANUS stares at him suspiciously.)
HE JANUS
What?
SHE JANUS
Where were you?
HE JANUS
Huh?
SHE JANUS
When you went outside this room. Where were you?
HE JANUS
I told you. I went to look for the guy who ended the world.
SHE JANUS
You couldn’t have done that.
HE JANUS
Why not?
SHE JANUS
Because outs e this room is nothing. 48
HE JANUS
So I looked for the guy in the nothing.
SHE JANUS
Don’t bullshit.
HE JANUS
I’m not bullshitting. I’m telling you the truth.
(SHE JANUS is still suspicious.)
Why don’t you go look for him yourself if you don’t believe me?
SHE JANUS
I’m not going to be fooled. You can’t kick me out o f this room
HE JANUS
So let me go back to my hunt.
(HE JANUS tries to leave.)
SHE JANUS
You’re not going anywhere.
HE JANUS
You want me to stay?
SHE JANUS
Yes. 49
HE JANUS
That’s a change.
(SHE JANUS unties the belt o f her tunic and slowly approaches
him, looking like a wild predator about to have her way with her
prey. HE JANUS gets the wrong idea.)
HE JANUS
Oh no, honey. That is not a good idea Even though we’re separated and everything, we’re still one and the same God and I mean, this could be worse than incest...
(SHE JANUS goes behind him and wraps belt around his neck.)
HE JANUS
What are you doing?
SHE JANUS
From now on, I’ll be /, not We, and She, not He.
(SHE JANUS mumbles a magic word and starts chocking him
with the belt.)
HE JANUS
(Barely able to speak.)
You... you know you can\ kill me. 50
SHE JANUS
I’m not trying to kill you. I’m just starting a new world, a new world where you no longer exist.
HE JANUS
It’s not gonna work.
SHE JANUS
You’ll see. 1 mean, you won’t see because by the time you’ll be gone, but-
HE JANUS
Oh, took!
(HE JANUS points to the window to distract SHE JANUS’
attentioa Catching her off guard, he swings around and knocks
her to the floor. Presently, HE JANUS is straddling SHE
JANUS.)
SHE JANUS
Don’t even think about it, you fucking pervert!
HE JANUS
I’m just... sitting here. I didn’t plan this.
SHE JANUS
Get off me! 51
HE JANUS
If I let you go, you’ll try to hurt me again!
SHE JANUS
You bet I will!
(They continue their struggle.)
Get off me! Leave me alone!
HE JANUS
I can’t! I won’t!
(Lights start to go out as their struggle turns into a wrestling
match. In the darkness, we near the sound o f them punching each
other until they finally collapse to the ground. Silence.)
(Blackout.) 52
Act I Scene 3
(Lights up on Mt. Olympus. JUPITER and JUNO
are sitting side by side on their thrones, lacing
audience. JUPITER is holding his thunderbolt in
one hand and TV remote control in the other hand.
JUNO, dressed in her peacock feather dress, is
painting her fingernails. They’re watching HE
JANUS and SHE JANUS on TV.)
JUPITER
(Turns off TV.)
I can’t watch this anymore.
JUNO
Hmm.
JUPITER
It’s outrageous.
JUNO
Unh-hunh.
JUPITER
I thought it was a practical joke. When the emergency alert started flashing on the screen 53
JUPITER (cont’d) and I saw them walk_ig and talking...
JUNO
Unh-hunh.
JUPITER
How can this happen? They’re the God o f Duality goddanmit! They’re supposed to co exist in one body, not to split in two and beat each other up.
(JUNO holds up her hand and checks the paint on her nails.)
JUNO
They must be going through some kind o f identity crisis.
JUPITER
It’s not only identity crisis, but it’s split personality! And God cannot have identity crisis or split personality, period!
(JUNO paints the nails o f her other hand.)
JUPITER
We’ve got to do something about this, Juno. We can’t just sit here and do nothing... Are you listening to me?
(JUPITER’s voice causes JUNO to jump in shock. She gasps and
looks at her failed polish before turning her eyes to him.) 54
JUNO
(Pause.)
WHAT!?
JUPITER
I said, we can’t just sit here and do nothing
JUNO
I am NOT doing nothing, Jupiter! I am painting my fingernails!
JUPITER
I’m concerned about the safety o f our planet, no, the safety c f our entire universe, and you’re talking about your fingernails!
JUNO
And you totally ruined them.
(She showed him her foiled polish.)
JUPITER
Has it ever occurred to you that something’s going seriously wrong in the world these days?
JUNO
No, actually. It hasn’t. 55
JUPITER
Let me tell you, then Something is going seriously wrong n the world these days and it’s all because Janus got a split personality!
JUNO
Is that right?
JUPITER
Yes.
JUNO
Well. But I’m always here on Mt. Olympus and hardly ever get to go out except for occasional shopping. So who cares if anything goes wrong anywhere in the world these days or those days or whatever days? It’s really not my business.
JUPITER
You shouldn’t be that selfish You’re the Queen and Protector Goddess o f Rome.
JUNO
The Rome we know is gone, Jupiter. It’s Silicon Valley everybody’s talking about today.
(JUPITER gets indignant for a moment, but then, he heaves a
deep sigh and turns the TV back on. JUNO starts fixing her
polish as if nothing happened.)
(Blackout.) 56
Act I Seem 4
(Lights up on HE JANUS & SHE JANUS who
are still in the same room lying unconscious.
They are slowly coming back to their senses.)
SHE JANUS
U g h ..
HE JANUS
Whoa. My head is spinning.
(They look around.)
SHE JANUS
What the hell just happened?
HE JANUS
You just tried to kill me. That’s all.
SHE JANUS
That’s right.
(Pause.)
HE JANUS
It looks like you failed once again, in your mission to start a (air-quotes) “new world.' 57
SHE JANUS
What makes you say that?
HE JANUS
I’m still here.
(SHE JANUS looks out o f the window: Outside is pitch-dark.)
SHE JANUS
Damnit! How come?
(HE JANUS gestures: “I told you.”)
We’re fucked.
HE JANUS
We’re stuck.
SHE JANUS
We’re fucked because we’re stuck.
HE JANUS
Not we’re stuck because we’re fucked?
SHE JANUS
N o, we 're fucked because we ’re stuck There’s a big difference-
HE JANUS
Anyway, one thing is for sure and that’s: You can never get rid o f me, whatever you do. 58
SHE JANUS
Not if I lock you out of this room.
HE JANUS
You can’t lock me out. There’s no lock on either door.
(SHE JANUS checks on both doors and realizes that they have
no lock. Suddenly, the room darkens, a dramatic music starts
playing and a spotlight is cast on her.)
SHE JANUS
N o lock?
No lock!
I’m fucked because there’s no lock
I’m fucked because I’m stuck with no lock
I’m fucked because I’m stuck with no lock with this dick
(She points to HE JANUS, who points to himself “Me?”)
He the God o f Endings and / the God o f Beginnings
He and I are stuck in the middle
Without having our beautiful fiddle
It’s not even a joke or a riddle
Coz He didn’t end and I didn’t start 59
SHE JANUS (conl’d)
He can’t end and I can’t start.
So he and I are stuck in the middle
He and I are-
HE JANUS
Why don’t you just say “we”?
(Lights become normal.)
SHE JANUS
I don’t “we” anymore. I’m an independent I-slashShe God who has nothing to do with
You-slash-He God!
(Back in spotlight, she contmues her speech.)
Where was I?
Oh, the middle
Yes, the middle
The most boring part o f anything, the middle
Beginnings are exciting coz they’re
New challenges and discoveries
With endless possibilities
Endings are not so exciting 60
SHE JANUS (cont’d)
But they’re okay coz they’re the
Beginnings o f whatever the next things
But middles?
Middles!
Who’d want to get stuck in the middle
Where things sag and lag and drag?
Just imagine anything in the middle:
Middle name
Middle school
Middle age
Middle class...
I’d rather die than get stuck in the middle!
HE JANUS
Dying is not an option. You’re immortal.
(The spotlight shifts and is cast on HE JANUS, who is getting
ready to deliver his monologue. But just then, SHE JANUS runs
to him and pushes him out o f the spotlight.) HE JANUS
(He fells to the floor.)
Ouch! Stop being so violent!
SHE JANUS
I am not about to get caught in the vicious circle again!
HE JANUS
What are you talking about?
SHE JANUS
You know what I’m talking about. Now show me the letters.
HE JANUS
What letters?
SHE JANUS
The letters you’ve been hiding from me.
HE JANUS
I don’t have them. I threw them away.
SHE JANUS
Where?
HE JANUS
(Pointing to the Exit Door.) 62
HE JANUS (cont’d)
There.
(SHE JANUS opens Exit Door and pokes his head out.)
SHE JANUS
Hello! Is anybody out there?
HE JANUS
Are you expecting the letters to answer you?
SHE JANUS
Be quiet. I’m trying something here.
HE JANUS
Believe me, you’ll find nothing but nothing.
(This time SHE JANUS walks to Entrance Door, pokes her head
out and looks around.)
SHE JANUS
Hello! Is anybody out there?
(Pause. She closes the door, with a sigh.)
Nothing.
HE JANUS
Didn’t I tell you? 63
SHE JANUS
We’re stuck.
HE JANUS
I know, because we’re-
SHE JANUS
Not only are we stuck in the middle, but we’re stuck in the now!
HE JANUS
Now? How?
SHE JANUS
Whoever ended the world also stopped Time and that’s how-
HE JANUS
Wow.
SHE JANUS
Are you making fun o f me?
HE JANUS
Naw!
(SHE JANUS glares at him. Pause.)
SHE JANUS
We can’t go on like this, 64
HE JANUS
We can’t. We shouldn t.
SHE JANUS
We’ve got to put an end to this...
HE JANUS
“N ow ”?
SHE JANUS
And that’s your job. So do it. End it!
HE JANUS
Relax. I know exactly what we have to do.
(He beckons SHE JANUS with his fingers.)
SHE JANUS
What?
HE JANUS
Come ’ere.
SHE JANUS
For what?
HE JANUS
This is the only way to end this predicament. 65
SHE JANUS
What is?
HE JANUS
We’re going to reunite.
SHE JANUS
We’re going to urinate?
HE JANUS
N o. Re-unite. We’re going to reunite. You and me.
(He beckons SHE JANUS with his fingers.)
SHE JANUS
Are you kidding me? That’s the last thing I wanna do
HE JANUS
Listen to me.
SHE JANUS
Over my divine body.
HE JANUS
Come on. Remember how...
SHE JANUS
I rather not. HE JANUS
We had such fun together.
SHE JANUS
The only thing I love about our past is-
HE JANUS
That we were always together?
SHE JANUS
No. That it’s over.
HE JANUS
You have no idea what you’re saying coz you can only look to the future and have correct memory o f the past. Here, let me help you remember.
(He snaps his fingers.)
Our good old days!
(Blackout.) 67
ACT 1 Scene 5
(Lights up on their “good old days.” HE JANUS
and SHE JANUS are attached back to back with
each other. Both Entrance and Exit Doors are
wide open, indicating that this is a time of war
and great turmoiL The sounds o f battles and
people’s cries and screams are heard from
offstage. We see HE JANUS & SHE JANUS -in
profile- drinking their red wine. In front o f each
is a table with a bottle o f wine. Pavarotti’s
La Donna E Mobile is playing.)
HE JANUS
(In an exceedingly festive mood. With an Italian accent.)
Oh, what a great time! Such a great time. Isn’t it amazing how great a time we’re having together, you and I, huh?
(SHE JANUS says nothing.)
Hello?
SHE JANUS
What? 68
HE JANUS
I was telling you what a great time we’re having...
SHE JANUS
Are we?
(Pause.)
Can you remind me what it is that’s so great?
HE JANUS
Everything! Don’t you hear it,feel itl There have never been so many endings as now since the dawn o f creation
SHE JANUS
You mean deaths. There have never been so many dead as now, since the dawn of-
HE JANUS
Let’s celebrate!
(Pause. Raising his glass to toast.)
Come on.
SHE JANUS
I don’t see the point.
HE JANUS
Then try to see the line. Or sip your wine. You’ll be fine. 69
(He laughs at his own joke. Cries and battle sounds are heard.)
SHE JANUS
Seriously. I don’t get it. Why all these wars and all this violence?
HE JANUS
So there’ll be something to include in histoiy books, o f course. Can you imagine thousands o f years o f nothing happening? That’d be as boring as watching paint dry.
SHE JANUS
It’s just so loud and annoying. Besides, once I want these doors closed. They’re almost never closed.
HE JANUS
That’s because war is the natural state o f man.
SHE JANUS
Says who?
HE JANUS
Me.
SHE JANUS
Doesn’t sound like your language to me.
HE JANUS
Are you implying that I’ve stolen someone else’s idea? 70
SHE JANUS
I’m explicitly saying that.
HE JANUS
(Sighs.)
That was a quote by some brainy human, an English guy with a receding hairline, whose name escapes me at the moment. But come on, it’s as clear as day. Don’t you know that out o f the past 3,400 years, the world’s been entirely at peace for only 268 days? That’s just eight percent o f recorded history...
(SHE JANUS stares at him suspiciously.)
According to last week’s New York Times.
SHE JANUS
I just want these doors closed. The draft is bad for my arthritis.
HE JANUS
You don’t have arthritis.
SHE JANUS
I do.
HE JANUS
No, you don’t. We don’t. 71
SHE JANUS
You might not feel it, but I do.
HE JANUS
That’s your imagination. Anyway, men gotta do what men gotta do.
(SHE JANUS reacts to his words.)
SHE JANUS
What are women supposed to do when men are doing whatever the fuck they “gotta do”?
HE JANUS
Hmm. Let me think.
(He pretends to think.)
Oh, I know: Give birth! I mean, what else? Women must keep giving birth so that-
SHE JANUS
So that men can keep killing their children?
HE JANUS
Exactly. Which creates more endings. And history.
(More cries and battle sounds are heard.)
SHE JANUS
I’m not interested in history. 72
HE JANUS
I don’t blame you. You’re not part o f it.
SHE JANUS
What do you mean?
HE JANUS
Isn’t it obvious? History? Ms-story? Not Aer-story?
SHE JANUS
Very funny.
HE JANUS
I’m not trying to be funny. I’m just helping you have a better understanding.
(Pause.)
Lots o f endings means lots o f beginnings and that’s good for you too. So cheers, partner.
To our great time!
(When HE JANUS is about to drink, SHE JANUS gives him a
shove from behind so he spills his wine all over on his clothes.)
HE JANUS
Hey! What did you do that for?
SHE JANUS
What did I do? 73
(She pushes him again so he spills more wine.)
HE JANUS
You did it on purpose!
SHE JANUS
What?
(She throws slass o f wine over HE JANUS’ head.)
HE JANUS
Stop it!
(He wants to throw his wine over ner head but realizes that his
glass, or bottle, is empty.)
SHE JANUS
(Re-filling her glass with more wine.)
I’ll stop, if you stop these wars.
HE JANUS
For what?
SHE JANUS
I told you. I want the goddamn doors closed.
HE JANUS
Don’t be ridiculous. We can’t alter history just for your entertainment. 74
SHE JANUS
For my arthritis!
HE JANUS
You mean for your imaginary illness.
(SHE JANUS pours the entire bottle of her wine over the head
o f HE JANUS, who screams. Then turning 45 degrees, she faces
audience, with HE JANUS behind her feeing upstage.)
SHE JANUS
(Towards audience.)
What an obnoxious son of a bitch! I can’t believe he’s part o f me or actually, the half o f me. Maybe he is the cause of my arthritis. My body is saying “no” to this toxic relationship!
(They turn 180 degrees, so this time, HE JANUS comes up front
facing audience while SHE JANUS stands behind him, facing
upstage.)
HE JANUS
(Towards audience.)
What am I gonna do with this bitch? A woman is a woman and she’s fickle even if she’s
Goddess. But no. I will not let her get me down. Coz I’ve decided to have a great time 75
HE JANUS (cont’d) and I will have a great time...
(They turn 180 degrees.)
SHE JANUS
(Towards audience.)
Fat chance! Coz I’ll do whatever it takes to make your life miserable. Unless you agree to stop these wars...
(They turn 180 degrees.)
HE JANUS
(Towards audience.)
You can’t stop what’s unstoppable, just like you can’t chop what’s unchoppable...
(They begin to turn around 360 degrees as they try to reach and
hit each other. Pavarotti’s Funiculi Funicula starts playing and
gets louder and louder while they turn around faster and faster.
At the end, none of the words they’re saying is comprehensible.)
(Blackout.) 76
ACT I Scene 6
(Lights up on JUNO’s room. JUNO is standing in
front o f an invisible full-length mirror, facing
audience. She is checking her dress, setting her
hair, putting rouge on her lips, etc.)
JUNO
(Stops doing whatever she is doing.)
Sometimes I’ve a feeling that this is not who I really am
Like,
(Pointing to her face, dress, hair, etc.)
This, this, this, this...
It’s a strange thing to say coz I’m Goddess
Not only am I Goddess but I’m the Chief Goddess
Or the Queen Goddess who’s the best and the hottest
Whose looks flawless, boobs smooth for topless
(Pause.)
It’s almost as if I’m just playing a role
That I’m actually an actress playing the role o f the deity that s ME:
Juno the Goddess o f Marriage and Family 77
JUNO (cont’d)
Yes, Marriage and Family
That’s my field of expertise
Even though my marriage sucks
And my children hate my guts
Especially Vulcan the God o f Fire and Black Smith
Whom I dumped coz he was dumb and ugly as a baby
Hurling him off the top of Mount Olympus
Turned out he broke both legs and ended up lame
JUPITER
(From offstage.)
Juno! Are you there?
JUNO
N o Jupiter, I’m not!
JUPITER
(From offstage.)
Come on, come down quick and bring me some tea! JUNO
(Ignoring him, matter-of-factly.)
My husband is an asshole
Though he’s known as the King God
He used to spend all his leisure changing his form
Chasing women he raped in the disguise o f a bull
Or of a swan or an eagle or an ant or a rain of gold...
Whatever came in handy, really-Making ’em pregnant one after
(Pause.)
He was a cuckoo when he fucked me
Or was he a baboon? I forgot which
Anyway...
I married him to cover my shame
O f being raped and having my virginity taken away
Our “sacred” wedding was celebrated in style
With everybody dancing and singing with a smile
My grandmother Gaia the Mother Earth was so happy for me
That she gave me a golden-apple tree as a symbol o f our love
Mmm-hmm, that’s right: A Symbol of Our Love 79
JUNO (cont’d)
I was like,
Grandma, seriously?
You’ve gotta be kidding me!
(She breathes deeply to calm herself down, before her iPhone
makes an alarm sound.)
Uh-oh. It’s time for purification.
(JUNO prepares for her ritual purification; She closes all the
curtains, turns off all the lights, wears a special garment, burns a
candle and aromatherapy oil, and sits down on the rug with a
crystal ball in hands. Then she mumbles mantra like a
madwoman.)
Jijcakseuroi dkjaorjlkjdf jdsfwoieuirc fdjksalkjrkfsllse...
(JUPITER enters, holding his remote control in one hand,
thunderbolt in the other.)
JUPITER
What are you doing here?
JUNO
Go away. I’m busy. JUPITER
I told you to bring tea.
JUNO
(Hysterically, to JUPITER.)
Kreiwudfkj feombjhjuahsko Iksjerlvcflwesia
(Pause.)
JUPITER
What’s this all about?
JUNO
I’m purifying.
JUPITER
Purifying what?
JUNO
The Eternal Sacred Feminine in me.
JUPITER
What are you-
(JUNO chants her mantra again.)
Stop that nonsense! 81
JUNO
What do you want from me?
JUPITER
I told you. I want tea.
(Pause.)
JUNO
Do you think I’m your servant?
JUPITER
All our servants are gone.
JUNO
Why don’t you hire new ones then?
JUPITER
You know I can’t.
JUNO
Because you can’t afford them? Because you don’t make money like everybody else? I hate to remind you but time’s changed and you’re no longer what you once were-
JUPITER
(Changing the subject.)
You know Janus? Or should I say Januses since now there’s more than one? They’re 82
JUPITER (cont’d) fighting.
JUNO
We already know that.
JUPITER
There’s a new development: They’re fighting in the past. And talking about history and stu ff
JUNO
Jupiter.
JUPITER
What?
JUNO
Why don’t you stop being so obsessed with TV for a change?
JUPITER
And? Practice some kind o f voodoo magic like this?
JUNO
This is not voodoo. It’s called FengShui.
JUPITER
I don’t know Feng Shui or Tofu or Chow Mein. It’s all the same to me. 83
JUNO
I’m trying to improve the flow o f Qi energy in my body.
JUPITER
You’re Goddess for goodness’ sake! You shouldn’t need this kind o f hocus pocus
JUNO
Go back to watching your stupid Janus show and leave me in peace.
JUPITER
What is this for anyway?
JUNO
You don’t wanna know.
JUPITER
I do.
JUNO
You do?
JUPITER
Yeah.
(Pause.)
(UNO
Well. This is a special ritual to unlock the foil potential o f one’s sexual energy. In short, 8*
JUNO (cont’d) it’s to achieve orgasm.
JUPITER
What!?
JUNO
Did you know that I have never, even once, in my long immortal divine life, experienced an orgasm?
JUPITER
What are you talking about?
JUNO
I’m not saying that it’s all your fault, though it is actually.
JUPITER
How dare you speak to me this way! I, the King o f All Gods and Men, the Supreme
Ruler o f the Sky and Thunder-
JUNO
Oh, get over it, Jup. You’re not who you believe you are or who you wanna believe you are.
JUPITER
Really, cut it right now or I’m gonna punish you by hanging you from the vault of 85
JUPITER (cont’d)
Heaven like I did before.
JUNO
I’m sorry if I hurt your pride, but it’s true.
JUPITER
What’s true?
JUNO
Remember Ovid?
JUPITER
Who?
JUNO
Ovid, the famous poet from Rome.
JUPITER
You mean the fat dude who used to drink a lot o f wine and married three times? Yeah.
He died some 2,000 years ago. What ’bout him?
JUNO
None o f the things he wrote about you was remotely accurate. You were never as
powerful or as charismatic as he described and you never knocked the Giants cold either.
I was there. You bribed him to make up those stories for you. 86
JUPITER
What are you trying to say?
JUNO
Your life is fiction and your masculinity is a myth is all I’m saying.
JUPITER
That’s enough. I will not tolerate your insolence anymore!
(Letting out a thunderous roar, JUPITER raises his remote
control toward tne heaven, before realizing his mistake and
hurriedly replacing it with his thunderbolt. Then, he waits for a
violent storm to arrive and to blow away his disrespectful wife.
Nothing happens, however. Feeling awkward, he eventually
gives up, lowering his weapoa)
JUNO
(Holding her crystal ball in hands.)
Now. Will you please leave me in peace?
JUPITER
Just this once, Juno. Just this once...
(He starts to leave, but then before exiting,)
Come down when you finish whatever you’re doing here. Let’s have tea and watch 87
JUPITER (cont’d)
Janus together.
(JUPITER exits. JUNO resumes her purification. L Jits fade to
black.) 88
ACT I Scene 7
(Lights up on JUPITER’s room, which is
painted -like Caesar Palace Hotel in Las Vegas-
to give the effect of the sky, with the sun and
clouds or the moon and stars shining on the
ceiling, depending on what time it is. There is
his giant pet EAGLE perched on a branch o f a
fake tree and his portrait hanging on the w all
JUPITER is checking his broken thunderbolt.)
JUPITER
How come it doesn’t work?
(He shakes it, presses his ear to it, etc.)
Maybe I need a new battery.
(To offstage.)
Juno! Juno! I need a battery Juno!
(No response. Pause. Suddenly, JUPITER shouts out in a fit of
temper and hurls thunderbolt to the floor. Still frustrated, he
shouts out again, kicks his defective weapon and stamps the
ground like a child throwing a tantrum.) JUPITER (cont’d)
Nothing works! Nothing works!
(Pause. He collects himself.)
Why?
It used to be My World, My Universe
I was worshipped everywhere and by everybody
They used to call me “Jupiter-Optimus-Maximums”
The most powerful and dominant force in the Heavens
I was the Role Model, the Supreme Divinity
All-Knowing, All-Powerful, Always-Above-the-Law coz
I was the Law!
I was the Lord!
(Pause.)
Until that kid called Jesus showed up and
Stole my feme and smeared my name...
(Pause.)
Today, nobody comes to offer me an ox anymore
My favorite sacrifice I like better than a boar
They think “Jupiter” is the goddamn sta> 90
JUPITER (cont’d)
Or is it a planet?
I don’t even know the difference
Some idiots even think “Jupiter” is the name o f a pizza shop, the one that sells a slice
for a dollar...
(Pause.)
And what the hell’s wrong with my Queen?
Acting like a crazy witch
She’s still holding a grudge
But who is she to really judge?
It is true that I raped her and married her
Then cheated on her by raping others
(He remembers the past and sighs.)
Those were the good old days
We didn’t even have the word “rape”
’Twas normal to do it an’ escape
We didn’t have the word “incest” either
Nobody complained that my wife is my sister
Or that I slept with my daughter 91
JUPITER (cont’d)
I could do anything I wanted to
Coz I set the rules
I was the Ruler!
(Pause.)
But that was then and this is now
I don’t do that kind o f thing anymore
I can’t do that kind o f thing anymore
I’d be in trouble if I did
Besides...
(He picks up his thunderbolt from the floor and holds it in such
a way that it looks as if he’s holding his penis.)
How come it doesn’t work?
(He throws the thunderbolt away. Then, he goes to the fake tree
to pat his pet EAGLE, who attacks him with her beak.)
Ouch!
(To EAGLE.)
Even you, Eagle? 92
EAGLE
What do you expect? A sweet kiss on your forehead?
JUPITER
You-... you speak!?
(He rubs eyes and looks at her incredulously.)
EAGLE
If even a fictional cnaracter like you can speak, why not me?
JUPITER
A fictional character! Who said such a thing?
EAGLE
Your wife, Queen Juno. I overheard your conversation earlier.
JUPITER
She never said I was a fict inai character. What she said was-
EAGLE
Doesn’t matter. It’s the same thing.
JUPITER
Anyway you shouldn’t take her seriously, for she’s not in her right mind.
EAGLE
Are you1} 93
(JUPITER picks up thunderbolt and raises it at EAGLE.)
JUPITER
Zip your fucking beak already or I’m gonna slice you into pieces!
(He blandishes his thunderbolt. EAGLE dodges his attack.)
EAGLE
Don’t take it out on me, Jupiter. It’s not my fault that “nothing works.” It’s because your masculinity is a myth...
JUPITER
Did Juno cast her black magic on you? Is that why you’ve suddenly started talking this way?
EAGLE
I just thought it was time to speak up.
JUPITER
About what?
EAGLE
About my grudge. How you killed my great-grandfather by ordering your son Hercules to shoot him down with an arrow!
JUPITER
Are you talking about the eagle I sent Prometheus to eat his liver? After that son-of-a- 94
JUPITER (cont’d) bitch stole fire and gave it to humans?
EAGLE
That was my great-grandfather. You used him as a tool for your punishment. And then, when you no longer needed him, you threw him away like a used tissue!
JUPITER
But I transformed him into a constellation ana put him in the sky!
EAGLE
You’re a merciless tyrant all the same. I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!
(EAGLE attacks JUPITER, but JUPITER captures her and ties
her beak with tape.)
JUPITER
Am I losing my mind or what?
Hearing the voice o f a stupid bird
Or is it a side effect o f being alone too long?
I talk to myself a lot tting on my throne
Whatever it is, it’s all because o f Janus
(Pause.)
We must restore Law and Order! 95
JUPITER (cont’d)
So I can regain my power and honor!
(EAGLE tries to say something but we can only hear her
groaning under the tape. JUPITER covers his ears with both
hands not to hear her. Lights fade to black.) 96
ACT II S.S.SPS 1
(Pavarotti’s Funiculi Funicula plays briefly
before fading out. Dim lights come up just
enough for us to see what’s going on on stage.
This is after HE JANUS reminded SHE JANUS
o f their “good old days.” They are in the dark
and cannot see anything.)
SHE JANUS
Is that what you call the “good old days”!?
(No response.)
Hey. Are you there?
HE JANUS
Yes. You?
SHE JANUS
I wouldn’t be talking if I weren’t.
HE JANUS
That’s true.
(Pause.) 97
SHE JANUS
Why is it so dark in here?
HE JANUS
I was just thinking about that.
SHE JANUS
Did you turn off the lights?
HE JANUS
I thought you did.
SHE JANUS
Why would I?
(HE JANUS shrugs.)
Hey.
HE JANUS
Oh, sorry. I shrugged but you couldn’t see me.
SHE JANUS
I can’t even see myself. Can you see yourself?
(HE JANUS shakes his head.)
You’re not shaking your head, are you?
(Pause.) 98
SHE JANUS (cont’d)
Answer me!
HE JANUS
Uh, no. I mean, yes, I was shaking my head, but no, I cannot see myself.
(SHE JANUS sighs in disgust. HE JANUS shrugs.)
SHE JANUS
When did this happen?
HE JANUS
I don’t know. We were too busy recalling our past.
SHE JANUS
You mean you were.
HE JANUS
You saw it too, didn’t you?
SHE JANUS
The “good old days”?
HE JANUS
It was a little different than what I remembered, but... Anyway, let’s find each other.
SHE JANUS
For what? 99
HE JANUS
To make sure that we exist.
SHE JANUS
Exist?
HE JANUS
I can’t see you and you can’t see me. We can’t even see ourselves. So how do we know that we’re really here?
(HE JANUS gropes his way forward to find SHE JANUS.)
SHE JANUS
We don’t have to see ourselves. We’re Gods. Our existence doesn’t depend on anything or anybody.
HE JANUS
I’m starting to miss my followers.
SHE JANUS
Don’t cry uver spilled milk.
HE JANUS
But we’re so isolated in here.
SHE JANUS
\ You complain too much. 100
HE JANUS
Want me to shut up? All right.
(He continues to look for her silently.)
SHE JANUS
Are you still there? Hello-
HE JANUS
(Throwing his arms around her.)
Ah-ha! I’ve got you!
SHE JANUS
(Screams in shock.)
Let go!
HE JANUS
Let’s not let go o f each other anymore. Let’s reunite.
SHE JANUS
I told you I don’t want to!
HE JANUS
Enough is enough This separation must end!
(He tries to “reunite” with her. But SHE JANUS is stronger and
easily shakes him off HE JANUS fells to the ground.) 101
HE JANUS
No more domestic violence!
SHE JANUS
You started it!
(They sit away from each other. Pause.)
HE JANUS
Now I know that you exist.
SHE JANUS
Don’t ever do that again!
HE JANUS
All I want is to be one whole God, you and I, half and half.
SHE JANUS
Are we the God o f Cottee Creamer? At any rate, we’ve never been “half and hal£’ never equal! It’s evident from the feet that they call us “He”...
(She hears the sound of HE JANUS standing up.)
Where are you going?
HE JANUS
You know I have unfinished bu^ness. 102
SHE JANUS
You think you can walk out just like that? You won’* even find the doors.
HE JANUS
Believe me. I will.
(He starts looking for the door, walking awkwardly in the dark.
When he goes to the Entrance Door, it opens and BLIND
CLEANER enters, wearing a pair of black sunglasses.)
Did I just hear a door open?
(He bumps into BLIND CLEANER. He touches his face with
both hands. Mistaking him for SHE JANUS.)
Is this you?
SHE JANUS
What? I’m here.
HE JANUS
How strange. You sound like you’re over there. But I can feel that you’re right here.
BLIND CLEANER
It’s me you’re touching, sir.
HE JANUS
(Jumping away in shock.) HE JANUS (cont’d)
What!
(BLIND CLEANER goes to turn on the lights.)
BLIND CLEANER
Sorry. I thought the room was empty, so I turned off the lights to save energy.
HE JANUS
You are-
SHE JANUS
You’re the guy who stole my signature!
BLIND CLEANER
Excuse me?
SHE JANUS
Don’t play dumb! You used my divine finger and forced me to sign
BLIND CLEANER
There must be a misunderstanding. Because I’ve never come here before.
HE JANUS
But you brought us this letter.
(HE JANUS hands the letter to BLIND CLEANER) 104
BLIND CLEANER
(After staring at the letter, giving it back to HE JANUS.)
I can’t read this. I’m blind.
SHE JANUS
You’re blind?
BLIND CLEANER
Yes. And I never brought you any letter.
HE JANUS
You’re not the messenger then?
BLIND CLEANER
You’ve got the wrong person. I’m a cleaner.
SHE JANUS
I knew you were not a messenger! So you’re a cleaner who’s pretending to be a messenger.
BLIND CLEANER
No, I’m a cleaner who is just a cleaner. I’m not pretending to be anybody.
HE JANUS
But you said you’re blind. BLIND CLEANER
Well, I’m a blind cleaner who is not a messenger and not pretending to be anybody-
SHE JANUS
How can a blind guy be a cleaner?
BLIND CLEANER
Don’t you know blind people are very capable? There are famous musicians and even painters who are blind when most people can’t even find their destinations with their eyes wide open and with GPS.
HE JANUS
Indeed. Apollo’s prophet Tiresias was blind too. Do you play music?
BLIND CLEANER
No. But I can clean like Ray Charles can sing.
HE JANUS
Music would be much more entertaining.
BLIND CLEANER
I came here to clean, not to play music.
SHE JANUS
We don’ need a cleaning service. Go away. 106
BLIND CLEANER
But your Landlord said-
HE JANUS
Ah, the Landlord!
SHE JANUS
So you work for him?
BLIND CLEANER
Yes. Although I’ve never seen him
SHE JANUS
Because you’re blind.
BLIND CLEANER
No, because everything’s done online: Cleaningservices.com. I don’t need to meet my employers these days.
HE JANUS
You talk as if the world still exists, as if everything’s still out there?
BLIND CLEANER
What do you mean?
HE JANUS
Like there’re still people and shops and all the rest. 107
BLIND CLEANER
O f course there are. Where do you think I got all this cleaning stuff?
(SHE JANUS looks out the window. All she sees is darkness.)
SHE JANUS
He’s bullshitting. There’s nothing out there.
BLIND CLEANER
You just don’t see it.
SHE JANUS
You don’t see it. I would, if there was-
BLIND CLEANER
Please let me do my job. I must make everything ready before the new tenant moves in.
SHE JANUS
New tenant?
BLIND CLEANER
He’s already signed the contract and paid the deposit.
HE JANUS
So is the Landlord reni lg out our place without telling us?
SHE JANUS
That’s not the point, idiot! 108
SHE JANUS (cont’d)
(To BLIND CLEANER.)
Listen, kid. I don’t know which planet you just flew in from, but let me clarify one thing for you: We’re not iiicking “tenants,” okay? We’re Janus, the most important Gods n the Roman archaic pantheon, who are in charge o f all the Beginnings and Endings, and
Time and Gates and Doorways and Transitions and Duality, after whom the month of
January is named!
BLIND CLEANER
That’s impressive and everything. But I’m afraid you’re not gonna get a discount for that.
SHE JANUS
Do I look like I want a discount?
BLIND CLEANER
I don’t know what you look like.
(He starts to prepare for cleaning. Pause.)
HE JANUS
We’re stuck.
SHE JANUS
We’re stuck and fucked. 109
HE JANUS
We’re stuck and flicked in here.
SHE JANUS .
We’re stuck and lucked in the Here and Now.
(Pause.)
HE JANUS
So what’s your solution? You don’t want to reunite with me, but you can’t separate from me either coz we’re a pair. Are we gonna be stuck and lucked here together for the rest o f our eternal lives?
SHE JANUS
Somehow I’ve got to start a new world.
HE JANUS
But you can’t.
SHE JANUS
Just because you couldn’t end shouldn’t mean I can’ : start. All I need is a different mindset. As someone once said, “No problem can be solved by the same level of thinking that created it”...
HE JANUS
It was Pythagoras who said, “Beans have a souL” 110
SHE JANUS
What’s that got to do with anything!?
HE JANUS
I thought it might help.
SHE JANUS
Just shut up and be quiet. I need to think.
(SHE JANUS thinks. BLIND CLEANER starts vacuuming the
floor realty loudly.)
SHE JANUS
Hey!
(BLIND CLEANER is listening to music through his earphones
and cannot hear her.)
Hey! Heeeeey!!
BLIND CLEANER
(Finally hears her.)
Did you say something?
SHE JANUS
Cut it out. I’m trying to create a new world here. I ll
BLIND CLEANER
Can you do that a little later? I’ll be done soon.
SHE JANUS
It wasn’t a question. It was an order.
BLIND CLEANER
I’m sorry, but I only take orders from my employer.
(He resumes vacuuming.)
SHE JANUS
(To HE JANUS, shouting over the noise.)
This is blasphemy! Go ahead and finish him off!
(BLIND CLEANER is still vacuuming so HE JANUS and SHE
JANUS have to yell.)
HE JANUS
It doesn ’t work that way. I ’m not a killer. I ’m the God o f Endings.
SHE JANUS
What kind o f God ofEndings are you? You can't end shit!
HE JANUS
Look who’s talking! You can’t start shit either! 112
(When they are about to fight the power is cut off and everybody
is cloaked in darkness.)
SHE JANUS HE JANUS
What the-... Uh-oh.
BLIND CLEANER
(Realizing that his vacuum stopped working.)
Did anyone pull out my plug?
HE JANUS
The power’s cut off.
SHE JANUS
Go turn it back on, quick!
(BLEND CLEANER goes to the circuit breakers.)
BLIND CLEANER
(From offstage.)
Is it on?
SHE JANUS 113
BLIND CLEANER
How about now?
HE JANUS
No!
BLIND CLEANER
(From offstage.)
Now?
SHE JANUS HE JANUS
No! No!
BLIND CLEANER
(Coming back.)
I guess it’s been disconnected.
SHE JANUS
Disconnected! By whom?
BLIND CLEANER
Your local electric company?
(Pause.)
I’m glad I brought my broom.
(He starts sweeping the floor with his broom.) 114
SHE JANUS
(To HE JANUS, in sotto voce.)
Let’s get rid o f him.
HE JANUS
What?
SHE JANUS
Come on, I’ll give you a hand.
HE JANUS
But he’s no longer making any noise.
SHE JANUS
He’s here to kick us out.
HE JANUS
I thought he was here to clean the room.
SHE JANUS
He works for the Landlord who wants to kick us out.
(Pause.)
You see?
HE JANUS
It’s too dark to see anything- 115
SHE JANUS
I mean, do you see what I’m saying!?
HE JANUS
Ah, yes. But...
SHE JANUS
What?
(She waits for his response. Then, loudly.)
Can you speak up so 1 can understand you?
BLIND CLEANER
(Pulling one o f the earphones from his ears.)
What do you want me to speak about?
SHE JANUS
Just sweep the goddamn floor!
(BLIND CLEANER goes back to sweeping.)
HE JANUS
What will we gain by ending this man’s life? In terms o f history...
SHE JANUS
Just ask yourself if you wanna get kicked out and thrown into the middle o f nowhere aad wind up becoming nothing... 116
SHE JANUS (cont’d)
(HE JANUS shakes his head.'I
Besides, this is a good opportunity to prove your innocence, to show that you’re not in cahoots with the Landlord.
HE JANUS
You’re thinking that I’m in cahoots with the Landlord!?
SHE JANUS
You lost your trust, buddy. You’ve got to make it up to me.
HE JANUS
(Thinks.)
All right. Let’s do it.
(HE JANUS and SHE JANUS feel around for BLIND
CLEANER’S cleaning supplies, pick up a toilet bowl brush and
a plunger, and follow after BLIND CLEANER on tiptoe. They
try to swat him in the darkness. Having no clue what’s going on,
BLIND CLEANER continues to perform his job with brisk
efficiency.)
SHE JANUS
Since when have we become so powerless? 117
HE JANUS
Since the separation, o f course! That’s why I’m telling you we must get back with each
other.
SHE JANUS
No way! It’s because o f you I lost my power.
HE JANUS
Don’t blame me for everything. You always blame me for everything!
SHE JANUS
Because you'xQ the cause o f all the problems!
HE JANUS
It’s jow, not me! I’m the poor God who constantly has to clean up the mess you started!
SHE JANUS
Oh how I hate you! I hate you so much I wanna rip you into pieces!
HE JANUS
Go ahead, if you can!
(They begin a swordfight, using the toilet brush and plunger.)
BLIND CLEANER
(After a while.)
All right, I’m done. Hello? I said I’m done. 118
BLIND CLEANER (coat’d)
(HE JANUS and SHE JANUS don’t hear him.)
Well, anyway. I’m going. So, uh, you two have a wonderful rest o f the day!
(BLIND CLEANER exits with his cleaning stuff HE JANUS
and SHE JANUS continue to fight in the darkness. Lights fade
to black.) 119
ACT II Scene 2
(Dim lights up on JUPITER & JUNO, who are
sitting NOT side by side in front o f TV. There
was a power outage which left them in the
darkness. JUPITER is pressing the buttons on
his remote control in an effort to turn TV back
on and JUNO is by candlelight, reading a book.
EAGLE is perching on the top edge o f
JUPITER’s throne. On the table are two
teacups: Before the power cut they were
drinking tea and watching HE/SHE JANUS.)
JUPITER
What’s going on here?
IUNO
Looks like the power’s cut oft
JUPITER
That’s impossible. We get our power directly from the sky.
JUNO
Maybe the sky has run out o f power? 120
JUPITER
Are you joking? The sky will never run out o f power because there’s an infinite amount o f light in the universe.
JUNO
Or darkness.
JUPITER
What?
JUNO
There must be as much darkness as light in the universe.
JUPITER
I’ve never heard such nonsense in my entire life! Where did you get that kind o f idea?
JUNO
None of your business.
(She goes back to reading, but thea)
The I Ching, Book o f Changes. I’m reading this chapter that deals with y in-yang
cosmology. It talks about how-
JUPITER
Not your chow mein bullshit again! 121
JUNO
It’s not like I wanna chat with you, Jupiter. You asked me to explain.
(She looks away sulkily.)
JUPITER
I can’t believe this is happening. How can we possibly have a power outage?
EAGLE
(In a voice only JUPITER can hear.)
It’s because you lost your power, Jupiter.
JUPITER
What!?
JUNO
What?
JUPITER
Nothing. I was just...
EAGLE
You’ve become powerless, power~ less-
JUPITER
Stop it, you stupid bird 122
JUNO
What are you talking about!?
JUPITER
No, nothing. I...
EAGLE
Not only have you become powerless, but you’ve gone stark raving crazy—
JUPITER
Shut the fuck up already!
JUNO
Jupiter!? Are you hallucinating or something?
JUPITER
I, the Supreme God o f the Heavens, am as all-powerful and as great as I ever am!
(He stares at EAGLE who tries to speak. JUNO stares at him.
EAGLE goes behind her and sticks out her tongue at JUPITER.)
Why did our power go out at exactly the same moment as Janus’ did?
JUNO
They lost their power too?
JUPITER
Where were you, on Mars? 123
JUNO
I was reading my book.
JUPITER
You don’t give a shit about anything but yourself.
JUNO
Unlike you, who give a shit about everything but yourself.
JUPITER
What’s wrong with that?
JUNO
You constantly keep yourself busy with others’ problems so you can forget about your own.
(Pause.)
JUPITER
I think the book you're reading is contaminating your mind. Why don’t you go back to painting your nails?
JUNO
Don’t change the subject because you don’t want to hear what I’m saying. Really, what’s the benefit o f watching 25 different news channels simultaneously or watching inside Janus’ head 24/7? Does it ever change anything for the better? No. It only drains 124
JUNO (cont’d) your Qi energy and makes you depressed and lethargic and inactive...
EAGLE
And impotent?
(JUPITER glares at EAGLE.)
JUPITER
Let’s not do this, Juno. Now’s not the time for fighting.
(JUNO ignores and resumes reading her book.)
We’ve gotta get our power back...
JUNO
I’m okay with my candlelight. Actually, it’s better this way coz I hate TV.
JUPITER
What are we supposed to do in this dark room?
EAGLE
Not anything romantic, that’s for sure.
JUPITER
(In a low voice only EAGLE can hear.)
Didn’t I tell you to shut the fuck up? 125
EAGLE
I wasn’t talking to you. I was talk_:g to myself.
JUPITER
Do you want me to tie you up with chains and lock you in the cage again?
EAGLE
You’re such a bully. And you know why you’re such a bully? Because you’re a depressed, powerless, miserable loser-
JUPITER
Shut the fuck up!
(EAGLE cries and springs away.)
JUNO
Jupiter!
JUPITER
What?
(JUNO looks at him as if he is crazy. After clearing his throat to
hide his awkwardness, to EAGLE in a low voice.)
Don’t talk.
EAGLE
Don’t listen. 126
(EAGLE turns away.)
JUPITER
Call Vulcan and tell him to come here right away. He might be able to do something to make the TV work without electricity.
(Pause.)
Juno? Juno! (JUNO gives no response. He sighs and calls Vulcan himself but
no sound comes from phone.)
The phone’s not working.
(He goes to look out the window.)
There’s not even one star. Has the sky really run out o f power? Juno?
JUNO
(Shrieks.)
WHAT?
JUPITER
I said-
JUNO
I heard every single word you said.
TUPITER
Then why didn’t you answer me? 127
JUNO
Because I’m sick and tired o f you!
(She goes back to reading. Pause.)
JUPITER
Are we gonna be like this forever?
(JUNO doesn’t answer.)
EAGLE
I guess this is it, Jup.
JUPITER
Don’t call me “Jup”!
EAGLE
You’ve come to the very end. You’ve failed. Big time. The Kingdom or the Empire you’ve created over the centuries is finally felling to pieces.
JUPITER
What do you know, you bird-brain.
(A static noise comes from the TV screen and everybody turns.)
JUPITER
What the hell’s ttiat? 128
JUNO
Maybe the power’s back on?
EAGLE
It’s still dark-
JUPITER
Did I ask your opinion?
JUNO
Oh, fuck you, Jupiter!
JUPITER
No, I didn’t mean-
EAGLE
H oly shit!
(JUPITER, then JUNO, turns to see EAGLE putting her wing
into the TV screen, before she springs away in shock. JUPITER
pushes her aside and does the same. His hand gets in the screen.)
JUNO
What is it? Anything there?
JUPITER
No, nothing. It’s just... 129
JUPITER (cont’d)
(After poking his fiead and seeing inside TV.)
Darkness. Deep darkness.
JUNO
Could it be Erebus the God o f Darkness, the Son of Chaos?
JUPITER
I doubt it. The last I heard he was somewhere in L.A. helping a movie company simulate a night scene.
JUNO
Let me see.
(JUNO pokes her head in the TV, which suddenly sucks her in.
She fells into the “deep darkness” and disappears.)
JUNO
Whoaaaaaaaaaa!
JUPITER
(Into the TV.)
Juno? Juno!
EAGLE
Uh-oh. 130
(They look at each other.)
EAGLE
She’s gone.
JUPITER
I know.
EAGLE
Well?
JUPITER
What?
EAGLE
O f course you’re going to go save her, right?
JUPITER
Should I?
EAGLE
She’s your wife.
(Pause. JUPITER thinks.)
JUPITER
You go. 131
EAGLE
Why me?
JUPITER
You’re my servant. It’s your job.
EAGLE
No way!
JUPITER
Don’t dare talk back to me! I’m the King and if I say go, you go, period!
(JUPITER tries to force EAGLE into the TV but EAGLE cries
and escapes. After some struggle, the TV starts pulling them like
a magnet and eventually sucks them into the darkness.)
JUPITER EAGLE
(Falling.) (Falling)
Whoaaaaaaaaaaa! Kikikikikikikiki!
(They are gone. Lights fade on the empty room) 132
A C T n Scene 3
(A spotlight up on SHE JANUS, who is
standing with the toilet plunger in her hand,
facing the audience.)
SHE JANUS
In the beginning was the Word
But the Word was not mine
It was not with me
It was not me
It was Him, His, He
Whoever He was
What that Word was doesn’t really matter
It could as well have been “Whatever”
Or “Whichever” or “Fish Liver”
Wait, that was more than one word...
At any rate,
I did not make a good start
Though I’m the God o f Beginnings
Coz it was His Word and His World, then His-story SHE JANUS (cont’d)
I’ve never got to tell my story
I wasn’t lucky enough to win the lottery
So I’ve always remained the undergo*/, being secondary
My voice unheard
My word dismissed as absurd
(Pause.)
In the beginning was the Word, His Word
But that’s long over
Now I’m stuck in the middle with the biggest riddle:
How the hell am I gonna create my language? My own Word?
So I can tell my story and dwell in my own world?
(Pause.)
In the end will be my beginning
But for me to start, to re-start, to kick-start,
The end should come first like an outburst
(The spotlight goes out on her. Blackout.) 134
ACIJI Scene 4
(A spotlight up on HE JANUS, who has the
Toilet bowl brush in his hand, lacing audience.)
HE JANUS
All’s well what ends well
Well...
But what if it never ends?
And what if it continues to still do
Whatever is ill against your will?
I’m caught in this vicious circle
Where there’s no way out
No way out because it’s a circle
Whether vicious or fictitious or even delicious
A circle has no end and no beginning, too, for that matter
It just consists o f an eternal middle...
(Pause.)
I don’t even remember how
I’ve ended up in this endlessness
Which makes me feel pretty shitty 135
HE JANUS (cont’d)
Coz I’m the God o f Endings
And if it’s true that
‘The nature o f God is a circle
O f which the center is everywhere
And the circumference is nowhere”
How come I feel like I’m trapped in a nightmare
Where I can’t even change my underwear?
If only pi was as sweet as an apple pie
Instead o f being an irrational number
I could reunite with her and live happily ever after
(Pause.)
All’s well what ends well
But can something that never ends
Have a beginning as well?
(The spotlight goes out on him. Blackout.) 136
ACT II Scene JS
(Lights up on JANUS’ room, where SHE
JANUS is alone, sitting on the floor. JUNO
enters, coming out from a portal that has just
opened up in the air.)
JUNO
(Falling to the floor.)
Whor!
SHE JANUS
What the-...
JUNO
Oh my, oh my, oh my...
(Pause.)
Where am I?
SHE JANUS
Juno?
JUNO
Janus? 137
SHE JANUS
What the hell are you doing here?
JUNO
(She looks around.)
Oh, no! I’m here.
SHE JANUS
I can see that. But where did you come from?
(JUNO turns to where the portal was. It’s gone.)
JUNO
I was in my living room, watching TV, before the lights went out.
SHE JANUS
I’ve just had a power-cut too. But I don’t get it. I thought the world had ended.
JUNO
Where’s the other Janus?
SHE JANUS
There’s no “other Janus.” I’m the only and the real Janus.
(JUNO is not convinced.)
I kicked his ass out.
(Thinks for a moment, then, realizing.) 138
SHE JANUS (cont’d)
How did you know that we’ve been split in two?
JUNO
I told you I’d been watching TV.
SHE JANUS
What’s this thing about TV? Why do you keep talking about it?
JUNO
Well, you probably have no idea. But your mental breakdown has been a TV show.
SHE JANUS
My-... what?
JUNO
Your mental breakdown. Or your “split” or your “separation.” Whatever you want to call it.
SHE JANUS
I’m on TV? And you’ve been watching me?
JUNO
All the Gods have been watching.
(Thinks.)
Maybe except Diana, coz you know, she’s out most o f the time, hunting and stuff. I 139
JUNO (cont’d) think she’s living off-the-grid these days.
SHE JANUS
(She can’t find a word to say.)
I don’t believe you!
JUNO
It’s the truth. It’s called “The Battle of He & She Janus” and broadcast worldwide...
SHE JANUS
Did you come all the way here to tell me this?
JUNO
I’d never planned to be here. I don’t care what you do with yourself or with your other self in this shabby room I have my own problems to deal with.
SHE JANUS
What’s your problems?
(Pause.)
JUNO
Do you have any idea what you’ve put me though, Janus?
SHE JANUS
What? 140
JUNO
All these hundreds o f thousands o f years. I can’t even have an orgasm-
SHE JANUS
Wait, wait, wait... What?
JUNO
Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. Just because you’re the God of
Future doesn’t mean you can forget everything about your past!
SHE JANUS
My past?
JUNO
Our past.
SHE JANUS
Our past?
(Pause.)
JUNO
It’s because o f you, I ended up marrying Jupiter.
SHE JANUS
(Sighs.)
Juno, we’ve already gone through this. 141
JUNO
We could’ve been a happy couple! Not only do our names -Juno and Janus- come from
the same root, but they even rhyme! We could’ve made a bunch o fjuniors together and
made a happy family... But no. You got cold feet.
SHE J ANUS
He did.
JUNO
Oh, how convenient. It’s all because o f “he,” isn’t it?
SHE JANUS
What you’re talking about is literally ancient histoiy...
JUNO
Not for me. Is it... for you?
(Long pause.)
SHE JANUS
What do you want me to do, Juno? It’s not like we can go back and change the past-
JUNO
No. But we can change the future.
SHE JANUS
The future hasn’t happened yet... 142
(Suddenly, JUNO kisses SHE JANUS.)
JUNO
I love you, Janus. I still love you after all these centuries.
(SHE JANUS hesitates for a moment, but then kisses JUNO back
with a long passionate kiss. Don 7 You Forget About Me starts
playing as they start making out on the floor. Lights fade on
them.; 143
ACTII Scene 6
(Lights up on JUNO, who is being suspended
in space, floating as if she is in the middle of
the ocean, surrounded by countless stars.)
JUNO
(Having her first Big-O.)
O... Oo... Ooo... Ooooo...
Yes, Janus! Yes! YES!!' YEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!
(Blackout.) 144
ACTII Scene 7
(Lights up on JUPITER and EAGLE who have
found themselves in the “nothingness” outside
JANUS’ room, standing against an immaculate
white background. Some distance away is HE
JANUS crouching down still like a marble
statue, burying his face between his legs.)
JUPITER
Where are we?
EAGLE
(Shrugging her wings.)
We’re here.
JUPITER
But where’s the “here”?
EAGLE
Not elsewhere, that’s for sure.
JUPITER
Are you poking fun at me? Coz I’m gonna wring your neck- 145
EAGLE
Stop it, Jup. You’re not the King o f the Hill anymore.
(JUPITER tries to wring EAGLE’s neck but stops when seeing
HE JANUS.)
JUPITER
What’s that over there?
EAGLE
What?
JUPITER
There. Don’t you see? It’s like a little dot.
EAGLE
That’s not a dot. That’s someone.
JUPITER
Who?
EAGLE
What do I know?
TUPITER
Go take a look. 146
EAGLE
I don’t think so.
(JUPITER sighs and walks to where HE JANUS is. EAGLE
follow s.)
JUPITER
Hey, you...
(Seeing the face of HE JANUS, who looks up.)
Janus?
HE JANUS
(He cannot see anything.)
Jupiter? It sounds like you.
JUPITER
Yes, it’s me. What are you doing here?
HE JANUS
What are you doing here? I thought I was the only one in this place...
(HE JANUS stands up and tries to reach for JUPITER, but walks
in the wrong direction.)
JUPITER
What’s wrong with you? You can’t see me? HE JANUS
It’s too dark.
EAGLE
It’s not.
HE JANUS
You suddenly sound like someone else.
JUPITER
(Shocked. Pointing at EAGLE.)
Can you hear her voice?
HE JANUS
Whose?
EAGLE
Mine?
HE JANUS
Why are you talking in two different voices, Jupiter?
EAGLE
(To JUPITER)
I think he can hear me. 148
HE JANUS
O f course I can.
JUPITER
Janus, it’s the bird. The Eagle, my servant.
HE JANUS
Can she speak?
EAGLE
What do you think?
JUPITER
She’d never said a word before, but all o f a sudden, she started speaking and wouldn’t shut up.
(EAGLE sticks her tongue at JUPITER.)
HE JANUS
(Becomes suspicious.)
I don’t think you’re Jupiter. You must be someone else, tricking me.
JUPITER
O f course I am Jupiter.
HE JANUS
If you are, how come you’re acting as if nothing’s wrong? I’ve been split in two and 149
HE JANUS (cont’d) tost my other hall-
JUPITER
I know everything, Janus, because /I’m the King
EAGLE
/He watched you on TV.
JUPITER
(Indignant. To EAGLE.)
Why do you have to poke your beak into every flicking thing, you wise-ass bird?
HE JANUS
...TV?
EAGLE
Believe or not, he’s the worst couch-potato history has ever seen-
JUPITER
One more word and I ’ll turn you into a fucking fried-eagle!
(EAGLE cries and jumps in shock. To HE JANUS.)
You’re in this reality TV program that’s broadcast live across the universe. We’ve been watching you since your separation
(HE JANUS shakes his head in total confusion) JUPITER (cont’d)
Janus. Listea You’ve got to trust me.
HE JANUS
Words are deceptive. You must show me a proof that you’re Jupiter...
JUPITER
But you can’t see a thing!
EAGLE
That’s the rub, isn’t it?
HE JANUS
H ow can you see anything in this darkness?
EAGLE
It’s not dark at all.
JUPITER
Actually, it’s all bright and sparkling white. What kind o f place is this?
HE JANUS
It’s... Nothingness.
JUPITER
Nothingness? 151
HE JANUS
As opposed to Somethingnessl
(As if hypnotized.)
I was something in the Somethingness, but now, I became nothing in the Nothingness.
JUPITER
Goddamnit Janus, don’t talk like that! Remember, you’re one o f the oldest and the most important Gods-
HE JANUS
But what is God if there’s no followers? Or if there’s nobody out there?
JUPITER
That’s a sick thought. Don’t even think about that. Now, who blinded you?
HE JANUS
Nobody.
EAGLE
Is this like the trick Ulysses played on the Cyclops when he told the giant his name was
“Nobody”?
HE JANUS
I’m simply tel ng you tne trutn. Nobody blinded me. 152
JUPITER
I know who did it. It must be she.
EAGLE
Who’s she?
JUPITER
The bitch.
EAGLE
You mean your wife?
JUPITER
No, the other bitch. The real bitch.
(To HE JANUS.)
Tell me, Janus. It’s she, your other half your rotten half who blinded you and dumped you into this nothingness, isn’t it?
HE JANUS
I won’t talk to you unless you prove to me that you’re the real Jupiter.
JUPITER
Oh, Janus, Janus, Janus, Janus!
(Pause.)
Don’t you remember the day we changed the world? 153
EAGLE
You did?
JUPITER
You ana I. Together. Nobody knows about this.
EAGLE
Doing what?
JUPITER
You helped me put an end to the female-dominated system
EAGLE
And?
JUPITER
And instead we created this perfect system called “Patriarchy.” After making sure, o f course, there’d be no recorded evidence that any matriarchal society ever existed, so it’d be totally erased and forgotten from history...
EAGLE
JUPITER
Janus, are you listening to me? Janus?
(Pause. It all comes back to HE JANUS.) 154
HE JANUS
Yes, I definitely remember that.
JUPITER
Good. And our agreement?
HE JANUS
Sure.
JUPITER
So, now. Who am I?
HE JANUS
O f course you’re Jupiter, the King and the Father of all the Gods, the Supreme Ruler of the entire Universe.
(EAGLE does a WTF face/gesture.)
JUPITER
Well, then. Let’s go find her and fix this problem once and for all We must get back the power we lost, the power that belongs to us.
HE JANUS
Yes, Jupiter. Let’s go.
(JUPITER puts his arm around HE JANUS’ shoulder and exits
with him.) EAGLE
What’s their “agreement,” I wonder?
I bet it’s indecent and violent like a thunder
I wish I could ask my great-grandfather
But he’s too busy in the sky being a shining-star!
(EAGLE flies and exits. Lights fade to black.) 156
ACT II Scene 8
(Lights up on JANUS1 room. SHE JANUS and
JUNO, who are wearing nothing but their
undergarments -after sex- are fast asleep,
snoring loudly. Enter JUPITER and HE
JANUS.)
JUPITER
(Bursting tne Entrance Door opea *The text below in italics is a
quote by Jupiter from Ovid’s Metamorphosis.)
At last, here I am! I ’d heard about this age o f infamy, and hoping to disprove such tidings, I descendedfrom Olympus’ heights...
(He is shocked by the sight. SHE JANUS and JUNO wake up.)
JUNO
Oh... Hi, Jupiter.
JUPITER
What’s going on here?
HE JANUS
Hello, Juno. It’s been a long time.
(To JUPITER who’s looking at him with surprise) 157
HE JANUS (cont’d)
I told you nobody blinded me. It’s because the lights are back.
SHE JANUS
I guess you are back.
HE JANUS
I almost ended up being nothing out there, thanks to you, but somehow managed to come back with his help...
(HE JANUS points to JUPITER.)
SHE JANUS
(To JUNO, pointing to JUPITER)
Why is he here?
JUNO
I don’t know.
(To JUPITER)
Why are you here, Jupiter?
JUPITER
What do you mean why am I here? Why are you here? And why are you almost naked?
JUNO
I just made love to her. That’s why. 158
HE JANUS
Seriously?
SHE JANUS
Naturally. Since there was no one to bother us anymore.
HE JANUS
Like who?
SHE JANUS
Like you.
JUPITER
You can’t do this. This is not allowed.
JUNO
Says who?
JUPITER
Me!
JUNO
You, who are the biggest cheater in the entire h toiy of divine-kind?
JUPITER
That’s a different story, you’re the Goddess o f Marriage and Family! Love affairs are not your domain- 159
JUNO
You know, I’ve always meant to tell you that there’s something wrong with our relationship? Actually, everything is wrong with our relationship from the very beginning-
JUPITER
Why are you acting so strange? Come on, Juno, just tell me. What is it that you want?
(Pause.)
JUNO
I warn a divorce.
SHE JANUS HE JANUS
Ha! Ha!
JUPITER
What did you say?
HE JANUS
She said-
SHE JANUS
Don’t butt in. Let her say it.
(To JUNO.)
Go on, Juno. 160
JUNO
I said, I want a divorce. I want a divorce, Jupiter.
JUPITER
But you’re the Goddess of-
JUNO
I don’t even believe in marriage or family. How can I, with a husband like you? It’s just the role that was given to me and I played it for all these centuries. But I’m tired, Jupiter.
I want to be free from you.
(JUPITER raises his hand only to remember that he has no
thunderbolt.)
HE JANUS
(To SHE JANUS.)
Wow. Did you hear that? The Goddess ofMarriage and Family has lost faith in marriage and family.
SHE JANUS
I want a separation from you, in case you forgot.
(Suddenly the Entrance Door opens: Enter POLICEMAN
followed by the EAGLE.) 161
POLICEMAN
(Pointing a gun.)
Police! Everybody freeze!
JUPITER
What the-...
HE JANUS
Hey, we know you!
SHE JANUS
You’re the cleaner, who pretended to be a messenger!
HE JANUS
Or the messenger who pretended to be a cleaner.
POLICEMAN
I said I’m the police!
HE JANUS
O f course. Now, he’s a policeman. And he can see pretty well too.
POLICEMAN
FREEEEEEEEEEEZE!
SHE JANUS
Or what? Don’t you know that you can’t do anything to us? We’re immortal Gods. 162
POLICEMAN
I can lock you up for life!
EAGLE
And make me eat their livers every night for good?
JUPITER
You silly bird! What the hell are you doing with this idiot?
EAGLE
(To POLICEMAN.)
See how he mistreats me?
SHE JANUS
What’s this bird? Why is it speaking?
EAGLE
Excuse me, but I’m not a-
JUNO
Speaking? Who’s speaking?
SHE JANUS
This bird. Didn’t you hear it say-
EAGLE
Excuse me, but I ’m not an IT, I ’m a SHE! 163
(Pause.)
JUNO
Why, it’s just a bird cry, isn’t it?
JUPITER
Aha. So actually, you're the one who’s crazy. The bird speaks and everybody understands what she’s saying, but you!
JUNO
(Awkward, realizing that JUPITER is right: She is the only one
who doesn’t understand EAGLE.)
Just because you know the bird language doesn’t mean... You’re still the same asshole,
Jupiter.
(POLICEMAN fires his gun in the air. JUNO screams in horror.)
(Blackout.) 164
ACTII Scene 9
(Lights up on SHE JANUS, HE JANUS,
JUPITER and JUNO in handcuffs.
POLICEMAN is standing next to EAGLE.)
JUPITER
How dare you do this to me, ME, Jupiter, who is-
POLICEMAN
I’m not here to discuss mythology with you. I have my orders.
SHE JANUS
Orders from whom?
HE JANUS
I know. It’s the “Landlord,” isn’t it?
POLICEMAN
Listen: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law-
JUPITER
What the hell are you blathering about? Are you even aware that i ’m the Father o f Law and Order? POLICEMAN
In your dreams. Because in reality, you’re under arrest.
JUPITER
For what?
POLICEMAN
Let’s see.
(He checks his notebook.)
You’re charged with murders, fraud, sexual assaults and rape.
JUNO
O f course!
(JUNO gives the middle finger to JUPITER.)
POLICEMAN
And with animal abuse and illegal possession o f a live wild bird
EAGLE
Me!
TUPITER
Shut up, you traitor!
POLICEMAN
And with illegitimate distortions o f the historical records and participation 166
POLICEMAN (cont’d) conspiracies for the purpose o f committing crimes against peace...
(To HE JANUS.)
This applies to you too.
HE JANUS
What did I do?
POLICEMAN
You allegedly helped him manipulate the past by revising historical events, by obscuring the truths, by altering, fabricating and destroying evidences, by creating deceptive history books and by reshaping the public memory, specifically in an effort to establish predominance o f men over women...
SHE JANUS
You fucking sneaky sonnovabitch!
JUNO
But why are you arresting us? We Goddesses are nothing but victims here.
POLICEMAN
Not true. For you two are charged with indecent exposure and an illegal broadcast o f obscene content that includes hardcore pornography... 167
SHE JANUS
We’ve never done anything like that!
POLICEMAN
The whole world has just witnessed it. Didn’t you know that you were on TV?
(Pause.)
SHE JANUS JUNO
Shit. Oh, no.
HE JANUS
Wait. Does that mean... there’s a camera in our room?
POLICEMAN
Five o f’em, to be precise.
EAGLE
Look! It’s over there!
(Everybody turns to where EAGLE is pointing with her wing
towards the audience.)
POLICEMAN
Yes, that’s one.
(JUNO walks to the end o f the stage.) 168
JUNO
(To the camera, or towards the audience.)
My fellow Gods and Goddesses, and whoever else might be watching this right now...
POLICEMAN
I’ll give you no more than 30 seconds.
JUNO
I’d like to take this opportunity to officially express the divine decision that I have made
I, ahem, Juno the Goddess o f Marriage and Family, am resigning from my position as
o f today.
JUPITER
(Running up to JUNO, shouldering her.)
Don’t be stupid!
JUNO
Stop pushing me!
(JUNO and JUPITER get into a fight, though their hands are still
in handcuffs and behind their backs.)
JUPITER
Don’t act foolish! You already humiliated yourself enough! 169
JUNO
Get out of my way! Let me do my thing!
(Pushing JUPITER aside, to the camera.)
Girls, if you want your freedom, don’t ever get married or make children! Don’t even
get involved in a relationship*
POLICEMAN
All right. That’s enough.
(He brings JUPITER and JUNO back.)
It’s time to go. Come on, all o f you.
HE JANUS
Go where?
POLICEMAN
Jail, of course.
JUPITER
What?
POLICEMAN
You’re sentenced to imprisonment until the end of eternity or until hell freezes over, whichever comes first. 170
EAGLE
You asked for it!
(EAGLE cries joyously.)
JUNO
What did the bird just say? Can someone translate it for me?
POLICEMAN
Forget it. Come on, move your ass-...
(Time stops for POLICEMAN and EAGLE who freeze.)
HE JANUS
(Looks at POLICEMAN and EAGLE incredulously.)
This is absurd.
SHE JANUS
Not just absurd. It’s ridiculous.
JUPITER
Do something, Janus!
HE JANUS
Me?
JUPITER
Not you. Her! 171
JUNO
Yes, Janus. You’re the only one who can do this.
SHE JANUS
D o what?
JUPITER
Start a brand-new world.
JUNO
Or a brand-new future.
JUPITER
Where we’re not caught and arrested.
JUNO
Or punished and banished.
JUPITER
A world where I’m not impotent but competent.
JUNO
Where I’m not hysteric but historic and heroic.
HE JANUS
Yeah, it’s true. Nobody but only you can do this. 172
JUPITER & JUNO & HE JANUS
Because you’re the God o f Beginnings!
SHE JANUS
But without first ending...?
HE JANUS
I think we’ve pretty much reached the end o f the road, partner. This is it. The End.
(With his words, something ends. A magical sound is heard.)
SHE JANUS
What if I said no?
JUPITER
You can’t.
JUNO
You have no choice.
HE JANUS
Come on, now.
(Pause.)
SHE JANUS
AH right. But on one condition
(To HE JANUS.) 173
SHE JANUS (coat’d)
We will no longer be a “He” God. Deal?
HE JANUS
(After thinking.)
Deal.
(SHE JANUS & HE JANUS shake hands on agreement.)
JUPITER
Wait! Hang on a second-...
(Just like the beginning o f the play: There are flashes o f light
similar to those you sometimes see in your vision, the ones that
come from inside your eyes or brains and not from outside you,
followed by the sound o f an explosion.)
(Blackout.) 174
Epilogue
(We hear someone whistling. Lights up on the
country road. Night. THEY TRAVELER is
alone, walking under the starry sky. They are
wearing a shabby skirt, boots and flower in their
hair and carrying a bundle over their shoulder.)
THEY TRAVELER
(Stops. Turning to the audience.)
A long, long time ago
There once was a God called Janus
Who had two very opposite feces
Something happened and they were separated
One became He, the other became She
One looked to the past, the other looked to the future
One was considered good, the other was considered bad
The world was divided in two
Everything was either this or that
People had to make choices
To be one of the two feces’ 175
THEY TRAVELER (cont’d)
Until something else happened and they were reunited
The He Janus and the She Janus became one again
This time, though, they were no longer He or She
But They
It was the beginning of the new era
The They Janus, or the Trans God of Beyond and Multiplicity, was bom...
(Pause.)
Today, there’s no such thing as a border
All we have is only the Natural Order
Everybody’s free to go anywhere and be whoever they want
(He suddenly looks up at the sky.)
Hey, is that a shooting star?
Over there shining from afar?
Anyway...
Gotta go now
Don’t know where but somewhere till I get there
Wish you nave a wonderful journey yourself
And hope to see you again one day before too long. 176
THEY TRAVELLER (cont’d)
(They put their hand on their forehead and give a goodbye salute to the audience. Then they start to leave, whistling like when they came in. Lights fade.)
(Blackout.)
THE END