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Home , Andy Murray (ice hockey), Brad Winchester, David Backes, Garth Butcher, Jay McClement, Jeff Woywitka

$3 They Love The Way We Do It, There’s Really Nothing To It $3 The Committed Indian The REal Fan’s Program secondcityhockey.com April 1st, 2009 [email protected] JUST WHEN WE THOUGHT WE WERE OUT Here we thought the Hawks were times to let it go. in Manny Legace. They have a boatload of coming out of it, and then those two games Lastly (this list got longer than we young, inexperienced players. Yet, there they happened. Here we thought the Hawks thought), use of certain players. Q was the are, at the #9 spot, one point out. If Andy showed the requisite desire, and then these one beating the drum for Samuel Pahlsson, doesn’t win the Jack Adams -- which two games happened. Here we thought the and then has failed to use him in his best he won’t because he doesn’t coach on the East Hawks were raising their game just in time to role. He continues to use Bolland’s line as the Coast -- there really is something wrong. keep us from soilng ourselves, and then these checking line, which worked wonders earlier How have they done it? Well, kids two games happened (though we haven’t in the year. But wasn’t Pahlsson brought here T.J. Oshie and Patrik Berglund -- the targets heard enough credit being given to so they could concentrate on scoring? Pahls- for Hawks fans’ projectiles for the next 10 around here, who played an absolute flawless son’s not a scoring center, so why was he put years -- have been other-wordly. Goalie game, especially in their own zone. Some- between Versteeg and Kane, who clearly are Chris Mason has been playing out of his mind. times, Hawks’ opponents do that). Ugh, these offensive players? In addition, Kane skated But mostly, the Blues have simply kept playing last 10 days have every chance of being fatal on three different lines last night. How does hard, finishing every check, and outworking for us. that help? He’s clearly fighting it, so doesn’t it the opponent every night. By far the scariest trait of the past make sense to put him where he’s most likely Frankly, we can’t think of a worse two games is the Hawks being out-desper- to produce, i.e. with Toews? Having him skate team for the Hawks to catch right now. Not ate-ed, if you’ll allow us to use a word that with Fraser and Burish is attempting to cure only have they...well, sucked donkey-ass doesn’t exist (look for any English teachers a cold by pouring acid on yourself. Strange against them all season, but the Blues are as to faint at the sight of that). It’s not as if the days, indeed. hot as anyone right now. They’ve won five Hawks aren’t putting forth any effort at all, The Blues Have Many Babies in a row, and were here in Chicago waiting they certainly are. But there’s that extra 5% We had better see that extra charge as the Hawks were doing whatever that was that’s been missing, the 5% that would result tonight, because there’s no question the team in last night. The Blues will take in winning the battles in front of the Hawks’ on the other bench is going to bring it. We the Canucks gameplan, or more accurately, net, which seem to be ending in dented twine know we’re supposed to hate the Blues, and use the blueprint they wrote and the Canucks these days. The 5% that would result in work- believe us, we’re getting real close to do- stole. That is, heavily pressure the Hawks’ ing hard enough to cancel out the mistakes ing so. But you really have to marvel at what D, finish every check against their forwards, the Hawks are making that are ending in goals they’ve accomplished this season. Their injury and strangle any space in the defensive zone. against. The 5% that would see the Hawks list has been so silly only Dr. Seuss could have If the Hawks are going to pull out a win, battle through the defensive tactics they’ve come up with it. They’ve lost north of 450 they need to find that extra jump, or jam, or seen. It’s time for it now. man-games. They weren’t all that strong on charge, or ejaculation, or whatever you want We’ve Got Q’s For Q talent to begin with. They ended up demoting to call it. If they don’t, it’s panic time. We’re not calling for Q’s head or what was supposed to be their #1 netminder -Ronny James Dio anything like that. This is not your mustached Chicago sports fan with an Italian beef hang- ing from his lips calling for a Ditka-like tirade behind the bench. Overall, we love the job Quenneville has done. But recently, there are decisions made that make us curious. First, the aforementioned lack of urgency. Maybe this isn’t reflective of the coach, but it has to be partly. We know he’s noticed it, and we’re sure he doesn’t want to panic or blow up to put a young team on pins and needles. But it’s got to be corrected. Secondly, the kill has been dodgy for six weeks now, at least. Yet, only against Vancouver did we see a change of personnel, with Toews and Sharp finally mak- ing an appearance. We understand if the staff is reluctant to change systems this late in the season, and we don’t think they should, but obviously something was amiss for a long time, and it’s only now being addressed. Thirdly, Q seems so intent on his line matching, at times it seems the Hawks are thrown off rhythm, and/or get caught on yet another change. We’re not saying ignore who you want on the ice vs. whom, but there are Adam Burish At It Again

FROM THE EDITOR

and possibly his soul. It was that night I knew it would be a long Once again, I biffed it. Here I was proclaiming how time before the Hawks could seriously overtake Scum. Still wait- excited I was for a big game in Chicago again, and the Hawks shit ing... the bed. I guess I’ll take the blame, might as well go somewhere. It While I don’t think Sunday’s defeat will have that long- reminded me of a similar game, where I left the Old Stadium with a term repercussion, I still left the UC on Sunday immensely disap- similar feeling. It was 16 years ago. pointed. Hopefully, the next time one of these I was about 11 or 12, and had recently comes around, the Hawks will handle it better, become a regular caller to the old afternoon and so will I. show on The Score, McNeil and Boers (some of you may remember the mad ramblings of Young -I’ve harped on this before, but after Sam. That was me, once upon a time. I should Sunday’s brawl there’s been a lot of discussion have known then I wouldn’t amount to a lawyer on sports radio around town. I’m not sure how or doctor, or at least after I told every Bulls fan I feel about the shenanigans on Sunday. Bur- to kiss my ass on air). I had just met Dan Mc- ish should have been trying to get the Canucks Neil for the first time, and we talked about how off their game in the 1st, not the 3rd. He should much we were looking forward to the following have cooled it when his teammates were fight- Sunday’s game against on Valentine’s Sam Fels hing all over the ice so the linesman could break Day. them up. If he wants to take a swing at a Sedin The Hawks had been on a nice run and sister, that’s fine. That’s what the Avery’s, Ott’s, we’re looking to make a push over Detroit for the division lead. and Burrows’s of the world do, agitate and anger. But when down Everyone thought this was the game when the Hawks would an- 3-0, it looks pretty shallow. nounce their dominance. Unfortunately, had other But as for the talk you hear on the radio, we really have to ideas. cool it. Hockey is not going to be a mainstream sport, and we don’t He torched us that night. It was one of his signature perfor- need it to be. Dan Bernstein only wants you to try and defend it so mances against the Hawks. He had a hat trick and two assists. On he can make you look stupid. And he will. So please, for all of us, his third , he faked Karl Dykhuis out of every article of gear stop trying. NHL STANDINGS *late game not included

Eastern Conference Western Conference

W L OTL PTS GF GA HOME AWAY W L OTL PTS GF GA HOME AWAY 1 Boston 49 17 10 108 257 180 26-6-6 23-11-4 1 San Jose 50 15 11 111 245 188 31-3-4 19-12-7 2 Washington 46 23 7 99 245 222 27-9-2 19-14-5 2 Scum 49 18 9 107 279 225 26-7-4 23-11-5 3 New Jersey 47 25 4 98 228 189 26-11-1 21-14-3 3 Vancouver 42 25 9 93 231 204 22-11-4 20-14-5 4 Philadelphia 41 24 10 92 242 217 22-12-4 19-12-6 4 Calgary 43 27 6 92 242 232 25-10-4 18-17-2 5 Carolina 42 28 7 91 220 214 23-13-1 19-15-6 5 HAWKS 40 24 11 91 243 206 21-9-7 19-15-4 6 Pittsburgh 41 27 8 90 239 225 23-13-3 18-14-5 6 Columbus 40 29 8 88 214 212 25-12-2 15-17-6 7 NY Rangers 40 28 9 89 199 208 24-11-4 16-17-5 7 Anaheim 39 32 6 84 224 220 19-17-3 20-15-3 8 Montreal 39 27 10 88 230 230 24-8-7 15-19-3 8 Nashville 38 31 8 84 197 211 23-12-4 15-19-4 9 Florida 38 28 11 87 218 218 20-11-7 18-17-4 9 St. Louis 37 30 9 83 214 219 22-13-5 15-17-4 10 Buffalo 37 30 8 82 226 217 22-13-3 15-17-5 10 36 32 9 81 196 189 20-11-7 16-21-2 11 Ottawa 33 33 10 76 202 220 20-12-6 13-21-4 11 Edmonton 36 32 9 81 221 236 16-15-6 20-17-3 12 Toronto 31 32 13 75 230 271 14-14-9 17-18-4 12 Dallas* 33 33 10 76 214 240 19-15-5 14-18-5 13 Atlanta 32 38 6 70 237 262 16-19-2 16-19-4 13 L.A.* 31 33 11 73 191 219 16-14-8 15-19-3 14 Tampa Bay 24 36 17 65 197 255 12-16-11 12-20-6 14 Phoenix 32 37 7 71 192 235 21-14-3 11-23-4 15 NY Islanders 25 41 9 59 189 244 16-15-6 9-26-3 15 Colorado 31 43 2 64 193 247 18-19-0 13-24-2

teams that have clinched playoff berth in italics teams that have clinched division in bold italics

TOP 10 LIST PUCK DROP

Chris Mason- Top 10 All Time St. Louis Blues We Hate Goaltender, St. 10. Scott Young- This guy must have been in his 50’s and still found annoying ways to beat Louis: Despite his the Hawks. oaf-ish appearance, 9. Russ & - The best thing these two idiots ever did as members of the Mason is prob- Blues was to become Maple Leafs. ably the biggest 8. Bernie Federko- Stupid person, stupid name, stupid broadcaster. Just stupid. reason the Blues 7. Paul & Gino Cavalinni- Mama mia! These guys sucka da meatballs mighty fierce! are still very much 6. Glen Featherstone- Another in along line of goons that never knew when to say when. in the Western Even Wayne Van Dorp got happy against this guy. And yet this shithead kept coming. In Conference playoff picture. God knows we’ve seen pain, ugly, and stupid is no way to go through life. enough of him, we haven’t scored against him this 5. Craig Janney- If Craig were playing today, you could send him sprawling on the ice by season. After putting up two very good seasons in texting the word “Hit” to his cell phone. a part-time role in Nashville, Mason stumbled when 4. Al Macinnis --who’s really a Flame, Peter Zezel -- who’s really a Flyer, -- given the top job. With the cheaper and younger who’s really a Canuck, -- who’s really a Canadien, and the other 300 hired Dan Ellis and prized prospect Pekka Rinne ready and guns that extended their career by taking the Brewery’s money and annoying us. Although willing, Mason was shown the door. Arriving in St. watching Wayne Gretzky leave St. Louis like he had to go to the bathroom after like 6 Louis, Mase had to wait for Manny Legace to turn games was pretty fucking funny. into...well, back into Manny Legace, and since he’s 3. T.J.Oshie- You can just tell this is the next Grate One.... wrestled away the starting role, he’s been a fucking 2. - Really, who wants to keep going back to St. Louis? What’s wrong with wall. Since Legace’s was kicked to the curb, Mason you? has gone 17-6-5, with a SV% of .921 and a GAA of #1- Matt Walker. We get it. It’s not funny. Now get him off our team a pretty silly 2.07. He’ll take some beating. 40-24-11

This month, the Hawks seem to be giving up a lot of goals that are uncleared mucks in front of their net. The Hawks don’t actively try and move screeners in front, which is fine due to the system they play and their undersized D. But they’re simply going to have to fight harder in their own crease if they plan to play any longer than a handful of games after the 12th. # Pos Player Ht WT AGE GP G A P +/- PIM PP SH GW S S% Salary (Cap Hit) 24 R The Perfect Beard 6' 2" 217 27 74 26 42 68 22 24 5 0 5 229 11.4 $6,000,000 88 R Patrick Kane 5' 10" 187 20 73 24 40 64 -8 40 13 0 3 241 10 $3,725,000 19 C Marvel 6' 2" 209 20 75 30 33 63 6 49 12 0 6 182 16.5 $2,800,000 32 L VerStud 5' 10" 180 22 72 21 29 50 13 55 6 4 2 127 16.5 $491,667 51 D Brian Campbell 6' 0" 188 29 75 7 40 47 -2 22 4 0 1 101 6.9 $7,142,875 36 C Dave Bolland 6' 0" 188 22 75 17 28 45 18 48 1 2 4 104 16.3 $845,833 10 L The Sharp-Shooter 6' 1" 197 27 59 26 17 43 5 41 9 0 4 181 14.4 $3,900,000 16 L 6' 2" 198 23 75 13 29 42 20 26 0 0 1 180 7.2 $1,550,000 2 D Duncan Keith 6' 1" 194 25 71 8 34 42 29 58 2 1 1 162 4.9 $1,475,000 25 D Cam Barker 6' 3" 213 22 61 6 34 40 -7 63 5 0 1 88 6.8 $2,768,587 33 R Dustin Byfuglien 6' 3" 247 23 70 13 13 26 3 79 3 0 3 183 7.1 $3,000,000 22 R Troy Brouwer 6' 2" 213 23 65 10 16 26 7 50 4 1 0 123 8.1 $675,000 7 D 6' 3" 220 23 75 7 16 23 20 60 2 1 1 120 5.8 $3,500,000 46 C Colin Fraser 6' 1" 188 23 74 5 11 16 3 55 0 0 0 59 8.5 $500,000 26 C Samuel Pahlsson 6' 0" 204 31 59 5 11 16 -20 34 1 0 1 80 6.3 $301,000 55 L Ben Eager 6' 2" 220 24 68 10 4 14 2 154 0 0 0 70 14.3 $568,000 8 D Matt Walker 6' 3" 214 28 58 1 13 14 5 75 0 0 0 78 1.3 $600,000 37 R Adam Burish 6' 1" 189 26 59 6 3 9 4 89 0 0 2 76 7.9 $712,500 23 D Aaron Johnson 6' 1" 211 25 34 3 5 8 18 33 0 0 1 27 11.1 $600,000 5 D Brent Sopel 6' 1" 211 32 23 1 1 2 -4 8 0 0 1 15 6.7 $2,333,333 4 D Niklas Hjalmarsson 6' 2" 200 21 14 0 1 1 -2 0 0 0 0 10 0 $643,000 *injured Totals/Averages 6’ 1” 202.5 24.4 239 420 14.9/g 68 9 33.2/g 9.5% $44,607,000 Huet’s performance was as good as anything Khabby has put up in the stretch he was given. Khabby will probably be given tonight and Friday to light it up. Otherwise, will it be back to the rotation? # Goalie HT WT AGE GPI Min GAA W L OT SO SA GA Sv% G A PIM Salary 39 6' 1" 209 36 36 2099 2.54 20 8 6 1 1046 89 .915 0 2 8 $6,750,000 38 Cristobal Huet 6' 1" 205 33 40 2291 2.54 19 15 4 3 1064 97 .909 0 0 2 $5,625,000 Totals/Averages 6'1" 207 35 2.67 40 24 11 4 29.0/g 200 0.908 0 2 10 $12,375,000

The Hawks have given up 4+ goals in 9 of the last 13. TOTAL CAP NUMBER: $57,283,000 Sometimes, the reasons just aren’t all that complicated. CAP SPACE: $274,000* *space also affected by buyouts and injured players Probable Lines Probable Pairings Left Wing Center Right Wing 2 Keith 7 Seabrook Injury List 10 Sharp 19 Toews 88 Kane 51 Campbell 4 Hjalmarsson Brent Sopel- Out (Talent) 16 Ladd 36 Bolland 24 Havlat 23 Johnson 25 Barker Matt Walker- Questionable (Idiocy) Troy Brouwer- Questionable (Knee) 32 Versteeg 26 Pahlsson 33 Byfuglien 55 Eager 46 Fraser 37 Burish

16 years ago, David Stern sent me to ruin the NHL. I have done every- thing I can think of to drive the core I am so close to completing the task fan away, strip hockey of all that’s Stern charged me with.... great about it, and eliminate any at- tention by the mainstream media... The St. Louis team that doesn’t have players die 37-30-9

Berglund has 7 points in his last four games.

# Pos Player Ht WT AGE GP G A P +/- PIM PP SH GW S S% Salary (Cap Hit) 22 C 6' 0" 195 26 76 30 33 63 -20 26 16 0 10 208 14.4 $4,000,000 57 L 6' 0" 180 20 75 14 35 49 14 50 4 0 3 154 9.1 $918,333 42 R David Backes 6' 3" 216 24 76 26 21 47 -5 157 6 2 0 190 13.7 $2,500,000 21 C Patrik Berglund 6' 4" 187 20 70 21 26 47 21 16 7 0 1 136 15.4 $1,246,667 7 L Keith Tkachuk 6' 2" 232 36 73 22 20 42 -12 55 13 0 3 171 12.9 $4,000,000 10 C Andy McDonald 5' 11" 183 31 40 13 25 38 -13 24 4 1 1 117 11.1 $3,333,333 74 R T.J. Oshie 5' 11" 170 21 51 13 23 36 16 24 5 1 1 93 14 $1,275,000 28 D Carlo Colaiacovo 6' 1" 200 25 67 3 26 29 2 31 0 0 0 83 3.6 $966,000 20 C Alexander Steen 6' 1" 204 24 75 8 17 25 -13 28 3 1 0 139 5.8 $1,280,000 18 C Jay McClement 6' 1" 201 25 76 12 12 24 -9 29 0 3 3 130 9.2 $950,000 26 R B.J. Crombeen 6' 2" 212 23 75 10 10 20 -10 144 0 1 3 110 9.1 $432,000 5 D Barret Jackman 6' 0" 203 27 76 4 15 19 -18 84 1 1 0 86 4.7 $3,625,000 15 L Brad Winchester 6' 5" 228 27 58 12 6 18 -4 87 5 0 2 78 15.4 $465,000 29 D Jeff Woywitka 6' 2" 217 25 59 2 14 16 3 57 1 0 1 60 3.3 $643,000 46 D Roman Polak 6' 1" 227 22 63 1 14 15 -13 39 0 0 1 69 1.4 $603,333 9 L * 5' 10" 180 34 11 2 13 15 1 2 0 0 0 31 6.5 $6,000,000 77 D Jay McKee 6' 4" 203 31 63 1 5 6 9 42 0 0 1 39 2.6 $4,000,000 43 D Mike Weaver 5' 9" 182 30 52 0 6 6 -1 12 0 0 0 35 0 $700,000 4 D * 6' 3" 222 29 28 1 5 6 -14 24 1 0 0 49 2 $4,250,000 55 R Cam Janssen 6' 0" 210 24 56 1 3 4 -5 131 0 0 0 22 4.5 $550,000 62 D Tyson Strachan 6’ 3” 205 24 30 0 3 3 8 39 0 0 0 21 0 $374,000 13 R Dan Hinote 6' 0" 187 31 45 1 2 3 -5 47 0 0 0 20 5 $1,000,000 four games. games. Perron is also scorching, with his own seven points in the last four This kids-line of Perron-Berglund-Oshie will make us itchy for years. 19 L D.J. King* 6' 2" 228 24 1 0 1 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 $533,333

* injured Totals/Averages 6' 1" 203 26 208 346 15.6/g 67 10 28.0/g 9.7% $49,468,000 During the 5-game win streak, Mason’s SV% is .935

# Goalie HT WT AGE GPI Min GAA W L OT SO SA GA Sv% G A PIM Salary 50 Chris Mason 6’ 0” 195 32 51 2855 2.42 23 20 6 5 1378 115 .917 0 1 0 $3,000,000 30 Ben Bishop 6’ 7” 205 22 6 245 2.94 1 1 1 0 112 12 .893 0 0 0 $331,000 Totals/Averages 6' 3" 200 27 2.80 37 30 9 5 28.6/g 213 .902 0 1 0 $3,331,000 TOTAL CAP NUMBER: $54,389,000 CAP SPACE: $2,351,000 Probable Lines Probable Pairings *space also affected by buyouts and injured players Left Wing Center Right Wing 5 Jackman 46 Polak Injury List 57 Perron 21 Berglund 74 Oshie 77 Mckee 29 Woywitka Eric Brewer- Out (Back) 22 Boyes 10 McDonald 42 Backes 28 Colaiacovo 43 Weaver D.J. King- Out (Shoulder Paul Kariya- Out (Vagina) 15 Winchester 7 Tkachuk 13 Hinote 20 Steen 18 McClement 26 Crombeen

...IS THIS THE YEAR? It’s time for... The Hawks Bingo Drinking Game!!!

Pat Foley calls Ben Eager takes Tommy Hawk Someone pours Tommy Hawk someone else a silly offensive bangs his drum beer over Tom- fondles Ice Dave Bolland zone penalty in your section my Hawk Crew girl (take one-limit (take one) (take five) (buy that man (take 10) 3 per period) 5 beers) Buff biffs scor- Brouwer biffs Toews emerges Kane passes up Ice Crew pose ing chance even easier from boards shooting op- for pictures for (stab yourself) scoring chance with puck portunity some drooling (take one) (take 1/4- oth- (take one of creep in 100 erwise you’ll soda. After all, Level be in an am- he’s not legal) (take three) bulance by the 2nd) Sharp rifles one Keith fakes out Seabrook flat- Seabrook flat- Douchebag top-shelf a forechecker tens an oppo- tens same op- next to you (take two) behind the net nent ponent sec- celebrates (take one) (take one) onds later Zamboni race (take two) too passion- ately (take his) Gene Honda Brent Sopel Huet lets in a Usher actually Havlat plays accidentally takes the ice softie keeps people like a mutant announces goal (take 12) (take one) from re-enter- (take one) scorer as “Paul ing seats dur- Konerko” ing play (take four) (take 100, it’ll never happen) Eddie O’s Eddie O’s Brian Campbell Patrick Kane Kane and telestrator telestrator does spin move does spin move Campbell do works doesn’t work (take one) (take two) spin move to- (take one) (take five) gether (take 40) Hammer bails Someone in Someone Versteeg Some woman out Campbell your row yells punches that makes nifty yells “Fight!” (take 1/2) “SHOOOOT!” dude play (pity her boy- (take one) (take five) (take one) friend) Get all five in any row, column, or diagonal, and you win a chance for your friends to post your bail or visit the Emergency Room! The Fight Card HAWKS vs. BLUES Fight Stats provided by Hockeyfights.com

GAME FIGHT TIME Bloody Black Bruised Just Analysis Nose Eye Ego Dancing 2-13-09 Eager v. 2nd. This one develops after big scrum. Winchester 19:59 Eager lands all the shots and scores the √ takedown. 2-13-09 Walker v. 1st. Walker is the only one throwing punch- Crombeen 0:30 es, lands some. Crombeen attempts to √ give him a rash by rubbing Walker’s jersey against his face. 1-17-09 Eager v. 1st. Sequel doesn’t live up to the first, as is Janssen II 8:10 usually the case. Janssen takes it in a √ decision. 1-17-09 Sharp v. 1st. Sharp goes after McKee for hitting McKee 1:42 Kane, lands a few nice shots, but takes a √ √ few more in his pretty pretty face. Matt McClure weeps uncontrollably.

What To Watch For: Plenty. It’s a big game for both teams, they don’t like each other at all, and the Blues get under the Hawks skin in a damn hurry. Might even look like an Old-School Norris tilt, as the Blues-Hawks rivalry gets full-blown tonight. Power Play Penalty Kill Team Opp PPG PP% Team OPP PPG PP% Team TS PPGA PK% Team TS PPGA PK% DET 333 85 25.5 VAN 332 63 19.0 NYR 311 37 88.1 VAN 352 67 81.0 WSH 311 77 24.8 CGY 333 61 18.3 MIN 275 35 87.3 OTT 324 62 80.9 SJS 330 80 24.2 MTL 345 63 18.3 SJS 287 46 84.0 CHI 312 61 80.4 BOS 292 68 23.3 TBL 321 58 18.1 NSH 323 53 83.6 ANA 356 70 80.3 ANA 293 64 21.8 CAR 348 62 17.8 CGY 329 55 83.3 NJD 304 60 80.3 PHI 293 64 21.8 EDM 331 56 16.9 STL 336 57 83.0 WSH 361 72 80.1 BUF 329 70 21.3 NYI 296 50 16.9 LAK 329 56 83.0 CAR 281 58 79.4 STL 328 67 20.4 PIT 337 56 16.6 PHI 372 64 82.8 COL 296 63 78.7 ATL 327 66 20.2 FLA 289 48 16.6 FLA 294 51 82.6 TBL 380 81 78.7 CHI 339 68 20.1 COL 299 49 16.4 BOS 282 49 82.6 DAL 304 66 78.3 TOR 306 61 19.9 NSH 298 46 15.4 BUF 310 54 82.6 EDM 320 71 77.8 OTT 317 62 19.6 DAL 333 50 15.0 NYI 327 58 82.3 DET 304 68 77.6 NJD 282 55 19.5 PHX 317 47 14.8 CBJ 321 57 82.2 PHX 271 63 76.8 LAK 341 66 19.4 NYR 328 46 14.0 MTL 346 62 82.1 TOR 283 70 75.3 MIN 306 59 19.3 CBJ 312 40 12.8 PIT 321 58 81.9 ATL 335 83 75.2 Spotlight T.J. “O-ren” Oshie

As we mentioned on page 3, the list of All Time Blues Asshats is a long one. Well, here is the most likely to have his bust in that museum. Blues fans absolutely adore this guy, which is one reason we’ll probably grow to hate him. Another would be the constant doofus-look on his face. Honestly, this guy looks like he makes motorcycle sounds as he walks around the arena, or skates on the ice. Blues fans also have an annoying habit of pointing out that Oshie had more points at the University of North Dakota than Captain Marvel in their one season together, as if that matters in the least (and if we’re really gonna quibble, Toews was too busy helping Canada to a World Junior title, and then later Canada to a World Championships title, while T.J. was passing out in some sorority, but we don’t want to sink to their level). Either way, this guy’s going to be a force. Perhaps you caught him this past weekend laying out Rick Nash twice in two games, the second after Nash had charged across the ice to hit him, and he still ended up on his big, soft ass. Rick Nash, who has five inches and 45 pounds on Oshie. Twice. If he played for anyone else, Oshie would probably be our hero for that. Oshie plays the game as if his hair was on fire, but he’s got more to his game than that. If you missed his highlight-reel goal against Vancouver last week, it was something to see. He danced around no less than three Canucks’ defenders and then faked Luongo out of his hair-gel. When the Blues paired him with Berglund is when the Blues really started to take off. Unfortunately, these two are going to have boos raining down on the from the UC for a decade. Still, it’s hard not to love this kid’s game. You won’t have to look hard to spot him tonight, he’ll be the one who looks like he can’t stop on skates. And you’ll probably hear him making engine sounds. The Committed Indian is printed by Royal Omega Graphics- Elk Grove, IL 847-952-8000 [email protected] KNOW THY ENEMY

Unfortunately, it’s that time again we have to commit some space to that hell- year. They’d be gripping their sticks a little. I’d rather play the Sharks if only spawn known as Sean Gallagher, who writes the website and fellow game paper because their fans are at least somewhat able to get into the give-and-take of rival St. Louis Gametime (stlouisgametime.com) We didn’t think we could sink any fanbases talking shit. Red Wings fans are just front-running bandwagon dickbags lower with this, then we met Sean. Anyway, here you go: who have zero hockey knowledge and even worse senses of humor. Fuck those guys. Ok, seriously, what the fuck? I am contractually obligated to tell you that even when the Blues were in 15th In all seriousness, wouldn’t it be a crime if Andy Murray didn’t win the Jack place in the West, I still believed. I saw this coming and never once thought the Adams Trophy as Coach of the Year? Blues would find themselves in and out of a playoff spot. I also knew for sure Nah, they should really give it to a monkey like the fucks who coach the Red that Chris Mason would turn into a stud goaltender, our Kid Line would be this Wings or the Sharks. Seriously, you could put a dead body behind the bench of a dynamic and that players like rookie Roman Polak and journeyman Mike Weaver talented team like those and coast to a first place finish. Why the hell do guys like would become effective blueliners. Yeah, seriously, what the fuck? If this was that get consideration anyway? Andy Murray is a svengali in the Blues locker baseball, it’d be the movie Major League. room. He has played head games with youngsters like David Perron and Patrik Berglund and gotten an unreal turnaround out of them. He’s gotten a caveman We’ve highlighted TJ Oshie in our spotlight, but we thought we’d ask you like Cam Janssen to play smart hockey and play his role perfectly. He’s called how his dick tastes... out veterans like Keith Tkachuk and had the team unite over it. Like creamy buttermilk sauce from Jack in the Box. Or so says every girl be- He has taken a team with almost 450 man-games lost to injury (to top tween the ages of 17 and 45 who lives within 100 miles of downtown St. Louis. players no less) and gotten them to go from last place to striking distance of the Think what it’d be like for your Jonathan Toews if he wasn’t so fucking lame. In seventh seed. Plus, he looks like the Green Goblin and he sounds like he literally fact, the love for the kid has gotten so crazy that one drunken night after the kid has gravel in his throat. You don’t want to fuck with that; just give him the damn we call Teej asserted his dominance on yet another team, I postulated to a buddy trophy. that Oshie could mouth-rape the mayor of St. Louis under the arch during the Fourth of July celebration and get away with it. Hell, the mayor would probably Can’t help but notice you’ve done all this without Paul Kariya. How come still present him the key to the city later that day. the removal of his stinky vagina from the locker room isn’t cited as a big One other reason we like the Osh? Multiple run-ins with the law dur- cause for the turnaround? ing his college career. Once with Toews for being underage in a bar, once for an Ever been at a friend’s party and said, “Man, I’m glad that Shitbreath altercation in a dorm elevator where a member of the team they’d just played was Tommy isn’t here” and then he shows up? Same scenario. present (reports are murky; it was either a fight or they were pissing) and once for A telling story about Kariya is when they did a question and answer a noisy/rowdy party after his team was eliminated from the playoffs. If you can’t event for season ticket holders and introduced the new third jerseys that have the like that kind of resume then I don’t want to be your friend. weird little ties at the neck. David Backes was asked whether they should be tied or not and he made the comment that he wouldn’t trust anyone who tied their How unbearable are you going to be if the Blues do actually pull this off and little neck laces. The next player to come out was Kariya, who not only had his make the playoffs? tied, but it had a weird little bow on it. The prosecution rests, your Honor. Remember how obnoxious we were after the Blues eliminated the Hawks in the 1993 playoffs and Eddie Belfour went berserk and smashed his stick on the goal Finally, which Cardinal is going to get drunk and die this summer? at the end of the game? Multiply that by about 47. I could not give one splattery shit less about baseball than I do right now, but I’d put the over/under on number of drunken driving Cardinals at 24.5. I’m taking Do you think San Jose or Detroit would worry about catching you in the first the over. round? Or would it be a quick-exit hammering, like you in the brothel... As for how many will die, it’s gonna depend on how many decide that Who pays for duration at the brothel? That’s just more time to wonder what they’re better able to handle the challenge of getting wasted, hitting the highway, the fuck her daddy did to her. I’m paying for the finish line, my friend. Detroit returning texts to some skank and simultaneously trying to knock down some would have zero worries about the Blues. I don’t know what I personally have to rows on Tetris on their PSP as they fly down the fast lane. I’ll put the over/under do to get the team to believe they can compete with those douche Euro fucks, but at 24.5 on how many attempt it and those who fail the task at 2.5. I’ll try. That team has had our number for so long they’ve got the players believ- ing that their owner’s shitty Little Caesars pizza is actually good. San Jose would be worried about the Blues in the playoffs because they’ve had some battles this

Hawks-BLUES: the Last 4

Feb. 13th, 2009: Hawks 0, Blues 1 Jan 21st, 2009: Blues 2, Hawks 0 Mason gets second shutout agains the Hawks in Puke. a month in a game that was absolute trench war- fare. Ice at Scotch Center resembles the ball-pit at McDonalds.

Jan. 17th, 2009: Hawks 2, Blues 1 (OT) Nov. 14th, 2008: Blues 4, Hawks 3 (OT) The Perfect Beard steals the Blues second point, Hawks skip the first period, except to fight, and fall which they had done more than enough to warrant. behind 3-1. Bolland brings them back with two Hawks are outplayed all night, Huet stands on a goals. McDonald scores on PP in OT, then ankle variety of extremities. falls off. An old Norris-style conflict. Hockey Sabermetrics CHICAGO Every game, we provide you with the Behind The Net numbers. These are at even strength, 5-on-5. Key: QUALCOMP- A measure of the quality of competition each player faces on the ice. Calcu- lated by averaging +/-/60 for opponents on the ice against player. QUALTEAM- A measure of the quality of teammates each player plays with. Calculated by averaging +/-/60 for teammates on ice with player. TOI/60- Time on ice, per 60 minutes, that player spends on ice at full-strength. GFON/60, GAON/60- Goals for and against team per 60 min. player is on ice +/-ON/60- Team’s Plus/ minus, per 60 minutes, while player is on ice. +/-OFF/60- Plus/minus of team while player is off ice, per 60 minutes. RATING- +/-ON/60 subtracted by +/-OFF/60. NAME QUALCOMP QUALTEAM TOI/60 GFON/60 GAON/60 +-ON/60 GFOFF/60 GAOFF/60 +-OFF/60 RATING Aaron Johnson -0.04 -0.21 11.94 3.81 1.37 2.44 2.23 2.18 0.06 2.38 Andrew Ladd 0.09 0.2 12.84 3.65 2.43 1.22 2.31 2.1 0.2 1.01 Duncan Keith 0.06 0.13 18.4 3.26 2.22 1.04 2.49 2.3 0.19 0.85 Adam Burish -0.08 -0.08 7.13 2.51 1.48 1.03 2.71 2.35 0.36 0.67 Martin Havlat 0.05 0.18 13.42 3.6 2.67 0.93 2.33 2.01 0.31 0.62 Dave Bolland 0.1 0.28 12.63 3.45 2.54 0.91 2.39 2.06 0.33 0.58 N. Hjalmarsson -0.02 -0.17 12.72 0.79 1.57 -0.79 2.67 3.78 -1.1 0.31 Troy Brouwer 0.01 -0.14 11.45 2.46 1.72 0.74 2.73 2.29 0.44 0.3 Brent Seabrook 0.07 0.27 16.49 2.74 2.09 0.65 2.66 2.26 0.4 0.25 Matt Walker -0.03 -0.13 13.89 2.73 2.12 0.61 2.49 2.03 0.46 0.14 Ben Eager -0.11 -0.1 8.24 2.43 1.88 0.55 2.73 2.19 0.54 0.01 Colin Fraser -0.12 -0.1 7.78 2.36 1.82 0.54 2.79 2.24 0.55 -0.02 Jonathan Toews 0.02 -0.09 13.22 2.8 2.36 0.44 2.64 2.13 0.51 -0.08 Kris Versteeg 0.01 -0.16 12.14 2.54 2.19 0.35 2.78 2.28 0.49 -0.14 Dustin Byfuglien -0.04 -0.05 11.76 1.95 1.58 0.38 3.03 2.5 0.53 -0.16 Patrick Kane 0.02 -0.08 13.74 2.4 2.4 0 2.67 2.16 0.51 -0.51 Patrick Sharp -0.01 -0.02 13.17 2.59 2.2 0.39 2.89 1.96 0.93 -0.54 Brian Campbell -0.03 -0.04 17.14 2.64 2.64 0 2.72 1.93 0.79 -0.79 Cam Barker -0.04 -0.09 13.22 2.08 2.54 -0.46 2.83 2.07 0.75 -1.22 Samuel Pahlsson 0.03 -0.83 12.3 1.51 2.69 -1.18 2.91 2.04 0.86 -2.04 Power Play Ratings Penalty Kill Ratings Corsi Rating Penalties Drawn This measures how many goals a team Shots attempted for a team vs. how many are at- This is a measure of a team’s goals-for gives up per 60 minutes the player is on tempted against while a given player is on the ice, per 60 minutes of player being on the vs. Taken the ice on the PK. per 60 min. ice on the power play. Player GFON/60 Player GA/60 NAME CORSI NAME PDRAW/60 PTAKE/60 Cam Barker 10.85 Troy Brouwer 4.48 Jonathan Toews 17.4 Adam Burish 1.8 1.5 Troy Brouwer 8.45 Adam Burish 5.48 Martin Havlat 16.1 Colin Fraser 1.5 0.5 Patrick Sharp 8.39 Aaron Johnson 5.79 Troy Brouwer 14.6 Kris Versteeg 1.5 0.6 Patrick Kane 8.27 Duncan Keith 5.93 Brian Campbell 14.1 Patrick Kane 1.5 0.9 Jonathan Toews 7.77 Brent Seabrook 6.01 Andrew Ladd 13.4 Dave Bolland 1.3 0.8 Brian Campbell 7.29 Andrew Ladd 6.38 Patrick Kane 13 Jonathan Toews 1.3 0.8 Dustin Byfuglien 6.28 Colin Fraser 6.65 Patrick Sharp 12.9 Patrick Sharp 1.3 0.9 Duncan Keith 6.25 Samuel Pahlsson 6.88 Kris Versteeg 12.2 Andrew Ladd 1.2 0.7 Martin Havlat 6.05 Kris Versteeg 6.98 Duncan Keith 12 Troy Brouwer 1.2 0.9 Brent Seabrook 5.58 Cam Barker 7.44 Brent Seabrook 11.9 Ben Eager 1.2 2.4 Kris Versteeg 5.32 Dave Bolland 8.08 Dustin Byfuglien 11.3 Martin Havlat 1.1 0.6 N. Hjalmarsson 15.21 Cam Barker 10.9 Dustin Byfuglien 1.1 1.3 Dave Bolland 10 Aaron Johnson 0.5 1.7 Matt Walker 8.7 Brian Campbell 0.4 0.4 Ben Eager 8.4 Samuel Pahlsson 0.4 1.2 Face-offs Adam Burish 8 Matt Walker 0.3 0.6 Player Face-Offs Taken FO% Aaron Johnson 7.8 Brent Seabrook 0.2 0.8 Jonathan Toews 1164 55.1 Colin Fraser 3.2 Duncan Keith 0.1 0.9 Samuel Pahlsson 1135 53.4 N. Hjalmarsson 0.4 Cam Barker 0.1 0.6 Colin Fraser 725 48.0 Samuel Pahlsson -12.1 N. Hjalmarsson 0 0 Dave Bolland 1080 44.6 Total Rank: 24th 48.0 Hockey Sabermetrics ST. LOUIS NAME QUALCOMP QUALTEAM TOI/60 GFON/60 GAON/60 +-ON/60 GFOFF/60 GAOFF/60 +-OFF/60 RATING Patrik Berglund -0.03 0.41 10.95 3.29 1.49 1.8 1.93 2.89 -0.96 2.77 T.J. Oshie -0.02 0.43 11.62 3.14 1.72 1.42 1.76 2.39 -0.63 2.05 David Perron -0.05 0.54 10.91 2.93 1.76 1.17 1.99 2.63 -0.64 1.81 Tyson Strachan -0.06 0.18 11.26 2.66 1.6 1.07 2.14 2.8 -0.65 1.72 Jay McKee -0.04 0.05 13.42 2.34 2.06 0.28 2.1 2.59 -0.49 0.77 Jeff Woywitka -0.04 0.03 15.05 2.3 2.16 0.14 2.08 2.39 -0.31 0.45 C. Colaiacovo -0.03 0.14 13.78 2.34 2.27 0.06 2.24 2.46 -0.23 0.29 David Backes 0 -0.09 12.56 2.64 2.96 -0.31 2.02 2.26 -0.25 -0.07 Brad Winchester -0.01 -0.04 10.65 1.75 2.04 -0.29 2.24 2.36 -0.12 -0.17 Roman Polak 0.03 -0.25 15.78 2.23 2.72 -0.48 2.14 2.43 -0.3 -0.19 Keith Tkachuk -0.01 -0.16 12.24 2.22 2.69 -0.47 2.21 2.44 -0.23 -0.24 Mike Weaver 0 -0.01 13.67 1.27 1.69 -0.42 2.44 2.32 0.11 -0.53 B.J. Crombeen 0.08 -0.4 11.57 1.8 2.49 -0.69 2.41 2.48 -0.07 -0.62 Eric Brewer 0.02 -0.13 17.6 2.31 3.41 -1.1 2.07 2.39 -0.32 -0.78 Dan Hinote -0.08 -0.22 8.27 1.77 2.9 -1.13 2.39 2.68 -0.29 -0.83 Jay McClement 0.04 -0.35 12.04 1.44 2.36 -0.92 2.47 2.49 -0.02 -0.89 Cam Janssen -0.1 -0.03 4.97 2.16 3.02 -0.86 2.27 2.21 0.05 -0.92 Barret Jackman 0.06 -0.14 17.43 2.04 2.9 -0.86 2.29 2.17 0.12 -0.98 Brad Boyes -0.02 0.02 14.03 2.2 3.15 -0.96 2.19 2.14 0.05 -1.01 Alex Steen 0.07 -0.19 12.24 1.5 2.42 -0.91 2.65 2.53 0.12 -1.04 Andy McDonald -0.03 0.07 14 2.25 3.32 -1.07 2.18 2.09 0.1 -1.17 D.J. King -0.12 -0.84 8.3 7.23 7.23 0 4.69 0 4.69 -4.69

Corsi Rating Penalties Drawn This measures how many shots are attempted for a Power Play Ratings Penalty Kill Ratings team vs. how many are attempted against while a vs. Taken This is a measure of a team’s goals for This measures how many goals a given player is on the ice, per 60 min. per 60 minutes of player being on the team gives up per 60 minutes the ice on the power play. player is on the ice on the PK. NAME CORSI NAME PDRAW/60 PTAKE/60 Player GFON/60 Player GAON/60 Andy McDonald 4.5 David Perron 2.6 1.2 Keith Tkachuk 7.5 Eric Brewer 4.99 Keith Tkachuk 3.6 Dan Hinote 1.8 1 Andy McDonald 7.4 T.J. Oshie 4.99 T.J. Oshie 3.1 Cam Janssen 1.5 1.9 Brad Boyes 7.17 Dan Hinote 5.28 Brad Boyes 2.2 T.J. Oshie 1.4 1.1 Patrik Berglund 6.56 Barret Jackman 5.71 C. Colaiacovo 2 David Backes 1.3 2 Jeff Woywitka 6.48 Jay McClement 6.3 David Backes 1.3 Brad Winchester 1.2 1.7 Roman Polak 6.44 Roman Polak 6.72 David Perron 1.2 Keith Tkachuk 1.2 1.2 Carlo Colaiacovo 6.39 David Backes 7.01 Patrik Berglund 0.2 B.J. Crombeen 1.2 1.2 Alex Steen 5.97 Jay McKee 7.73 Tyson Strachan 0 Patrik Berglund 1 0.6 David Backes 5.81 Tyson Strachan 8.01 Mike Weaver -1.8 Jay McClement 1 0.7 David Perron 5.55 Alex Steen 9.93 Alex Steen -1.8 Andy McDonald 0.9 1 T.J. Oshie 5.09 B.J. Crombeen -1.9 Eric Brewer 0.7 1.3 Eric Brewer 3.66 Eric Brewer -3.5 Brad Boyes 0.7 0.4 Steve Wagner 3.3 Barret Jackman -4 Alex Steen 0.6 0.7 Jeff Woywitka -4.5 Tyson Strachan 0.5 1.1 Roman Polak -5.1 C. Colaiacovo 0.5 0.6 Face-offs Player Face-Offs Taken FO% Jay McClement -9.7 Jay McKee 0.4 0.9 Jay McClement 1334 52.5 Brad Winchester -10.8 Mike Weaver 0.3 0.4 Keith Tkachuk 838 51.6 Jay McKee -14.5 Jeff Woywitka 0.2 0.7 David Backes 431 44.9 Dan Hinote -17.3 Roman Polak 0.2 0.9 Patrik Berglund 513 38.8 Cam Janssen -17.5 Barret Jackman 0.2 1 Total: Rank: 20th 49.1 D.J. King -57.8 D.J. King 0 0 Referee Stats For The Hawks

Referees 1st NHL Hawks Games Hawks PP’s Hawks Pens/Game Hawks PP/Game Hawks PK/ W L OTL Game PK’s Game 2 Fraser, Kerry 1980 3 14 17 10.3 4.7 5.7 3 0 0 3 Leggo, Mike 1997 5 19 22 8.2 3.8 4.4 4 0 1 4 McCauley, Wes 2003 5 11 14 5.0 2.2 2.8 2 2 0 5 Rooney, Chris 2000 1 4 1 5.0 4.0 1.0 1 0 0 6 Marouelli, Dan 1984 3 14 11 8.3 4.7 3.7 1 2 0 7 McCreary, Bill 1984 4 17 15 8.0 4.3 3.8 2 3 0 8 Jackson, Dave 1990 6 28 24 8.7 4.7 4.0 4 1 1 10 Devorski, Paul 1989 4 15 25 10 3.7 6.2 1 3 0 11 Sutherland, Kelly 2000 2 11 14 12.5 5.5 7 0 2 0 12 Koharski, Don 1981 4 19 20 9.8 4.8 5.0 3 0 1 13 O’Halloran, Dan 1995 6 34 23 9.5 5.6 3.8 3 2 1 14 LaRue, Dennis 1991 6 28 24 8.6 4.3 4 4 1 1 15 Auger, Stephane 2000 4 17 13 7.5 4.3 3.3 3 0 1 16 Shick, Rob 1986 1 2 2 4.0 2.0 2.0 0 0 1 18 Kimmerly, Greg 1996 5 26 25 10.2 5.2 5.0 3 2 0 20 Peel, Tim 1999 4 19 19 9.5 4.7 4.7 2 2 0 21 VanMassenhoven, Don 1993 4 17 10 6.7 4.2 2.5 2 0 2 23 Watson, Brad 1996 4 15 8 5.7 3.7 2 2 1 1 25 Joannette, Marc 1999 3 19 7 8.6 6.3 2.3 2 0 1 26 Martell, Rob 1996 1 3 1 4.0 3.0 1.0 1 0 0 27 Furlatt, Eric 2001 6 27 26 8.8 4.5 4.3 2 3 1 28 Lee, Chris 2001 2 11 10 10.5 5.5 5 1 1 0 29 Walsh, Ian 2000 1 1 3 4.0 1.0 3.0 0 1 0 30 Hasenfratz, Mike 2000 4 25 22 11.7 6.2 5.5 0 2 2 32 Kowal, Tom 2000 4 13 10 5.8 3.3 2.5 4 0 0 33 Pollock, Kevin 2000 4 14 15 7.2 3.5 3.7 1 1 2 34 Meier, Brad 1999 4 14 20 8.5 3.5 5.0 3 1 0 35 Warren, Dean 1999 ------36 Morton, Dean 2000 3 24 13 12.3 8.0 4.3 1 1 1 38 St Laurent, Francois 2006 2 14 15 14.5 7.0 7.5 1 0 1 39 Dwyer, Gord 2003 5 30 24 10.8 6 4.8 3 0 2 40 Kozari, Steve 2006 5 30 23 10.6 6 4.6 2 2 1 42 O’Rourke, Dan 1999 3 17 15 10.6 5.6 5 2 0 1 43 Pochmara, Brian 2006 3 12 14 8.6 4 4.6 2 1 0 45 St. Pierre, Justin 2003 6 29 26 9.2 4.8 4.3 3 1 2

NHL LEADERS Goals Points GAA SV%

Player Team G Player Team P Player Team GAA Player Team SV% 1 A. Ovechkin WAS 53 1 Evgeni Malkin PIT 107 1 Tim Thomas BOS 2.13 1 Tim Thomas BOS .931 2 Zach Parise NJ 42 2 A. Ovechkin WAS 100 2 Martin Brodeur NJ 2.21 2 T. Vokoun FLA .925 3 Jeff Carter PHI 41 3 S. Crosby PIT 97 3 Steve Mason CBJ 2.22 3 Craig Anderson FLA .925 4 I. Kovalchuk ATL 40 4 Pavel Datsyuk DET 91 4 Jonas Hiller ANA 2.22 4 Martin Brodeur NJ .924 5 P. Marleau SJ 37 5 Zach Parise NJ 89 5 Pekka Rinne NSH 2.25 5 Jonas Hiller ANA .923 24 J. Toews CHI 30 31 Martin Havlat CHI 68 18 Cristobal Huet CHI 2.54 19 N. Khabibulin CHI .915 One Fan’s Thoughts by Rich Lindbloom Agony and Ecstacy What is it about hockey that keeps us clamoring for more? Toews and Kane living without adult supervision this year, one can After two scintillating victories, we were left with no recourse but to only imagine how late into the night their playing Playstation or face the beating of chests, pulling of hair and wailing last Sunday, after booking. We can only pray they don’t discover women and beer. being vanquished by the hair pulling Canucks. Emily Dickinson put If the Colorado game was the low point of the season, the it so well, “For each ecstatic instance, we must in anguish pay, in game against the Devils was pure ecstasy. The Sharks game was keen and quivering ratio, to the ecstasy.” (Editor’s Note- What odds exciting but that 2nd period against the Devils is what keeps us com- would you have gotten on an Emily Dickinson quote appearing in ing back. Speed, intensity, pace, collisions, incessant pressure and The Indian? 12,000-1?) Why is it that I take the loss and humiliation “sweet passes,” as Napoleon Dynamite would say. Judd, Troy and so personally, or celebrate after a game like the Devils as if it was Quenville all used that tantalizing phrase, “playoff intensity,” in their I who scored the winning goal? Is forking out over $2000 dollars postgame analysis. Hockey played at that level is quite simply put, for two seats in the 300 section really a sound financial decision? exhilarating. It leaves us desperately searching for someone at the Seriously, should I be investing time in the morning to see who the office who will listen to our unbridled excitement the next day. Blue Jackets and Canucks will be playing that night, in the midst of I probably shouldn’t single out any players for their contri- a global financial melt down? My boss once said there are 21,000 butions against New Jersey, for clearly it was a team effort. How- Blackhawk fans in the city of Chicago and they go to every game. It ever, three players stood out in my armchair analysis. First off, when truly is an addiction fueled by wins like the one over New Jersey. did Dave “the basher” Bolland decide to start throwing his 180 some Even when the Bulls were racking up all those champion- pounds around? I think he led the Hawks in hits that night, a little ships in the 90’s, I still relished the chance to see the anemic Hawks. David and Goliath display. Like most of his fellow forwards that Yes, I admit, we did stink for the most part during that time. Howev- night, he used his speed to put incessant pressure on the Devils dim- er, on any given night, no matter how low we were in the standings, witted d-men. Our “mighty mouse” did not get on the score sheet, you could see a great game. Some smashing good hits, a good bout yet had a huge impact in the favorable outcome. The slapshot he or two (sometimes on the ice), speed that is unsurpassed in sports took off his skate on the penalty kill didn’t seem to slow him down. (assuming that NASCAR is not really a sport), and that euphoric Kane will become a great player when he starts to take pride in his feeling resulting from the sight of the puck tickling the opponents defense like Bolland. twine, evoked a high that is hard to duplicate. Although during that Next up, “To hit, or to be hit, that is the question.” Our time there certainly was a lot more agony than ecstasy. Shakespearean scholar, Niklas Hjalmarsson (yes, I did have to look Two recent games highlighted the mercurial nature of up how to spell his name) seemed to have a big sign on his back that Blackhawk hockey that leave one high as a kite or in a skid row gut- said, “Crush me, I’m a Swede.” Niklas “paid the price” all night, ter as we head to the parking lot. (I actually blamed Sunday night’s chasing down loose pucks behind the net. Most of the time though, loss on the Committed Indian staff who went on a binge after the his decision to get to the puck first , despite the pummeling he took, Devil game.) First off, anyone who was unfortunate enough to be in led to quick departures of the puck from our zone. He was clearly the house for the Avalanche game was intimately acquainted with the the recipient of the “Beat me, whip me, make me sign bad checks,” word, “Agony.” Other words such as putrid, painful, and pathetic award last Friday. come to mind. The story about the little girl who, “When she was Finally, the Duncster seemed to regain his pre-concussion good she was very, very good, but when she was bad, she was very, form. Duncan seems to have a unique knack of getting to the puck very bad,” comes to mind. I had standing room only tickets for that a moment or two before anyone else on the ice. His quick decisions stink bomb. Not only did I have to watch the debacle, I had to stand with the puck leave overzealous forecheckers dismayed and gasp- for over three hours intensifying my considerable displeasure. My ing for breath. I’m sure Habby and Huey would love him to play 40 daughter had a bit better luck on her seat location, getting a close up minutes/game. One of Duncan’s greatest accomplishments this year look at the pusillanimous affair. A friend of hers had seats 8 rows could be to teach Hjalmarrson how to get out of the way of the op- behind the Hawks net. ponents dive bombers! He may have to purchase some Rogaine after To add insult to the injury, a lady (and I use the term very his bout with that little sissy Burrows last Sunday. What a full-blown loosely) spilled her beer on Taylor’s coveted Toews jersey. Not only panty waist. After the way Eager undressed Bieksa, if it was Gentle did my little princess have to put up with the stench emanating from Ben who had fought Burrows, his thong may have been exposed. the ice, she had to sit in a beer soaked jersey. This almost caused a Agony and Ecstasy, living in perfect harmony exists only panic attack in her as we headed home. She was trying to figure out in Emily Dickinson’s warped mind. For the moment at least, I’ll how she could wash it without losing Captain Marvel’s coveted auto- continue grinning like the Cheshire cat. What a ride it’s been this graph on it. Taylor really got ticked off when the bimbo at one point season. Those two beautiful words, “Playoff intensity,” keep echo- exclaimed, “I thought you said these guys were good!” to whoever ing in my ears. At that level of play, there is not a better sport in the it was that was stupid enough to bring her. Obviously, she was not a world. It’s why we keep coming back, checking who the Blues will regular, appearing to lend credence to the fact that the true fans are be playing next and trying to figure out how to come up with next sitting upstairs. What a waste of a seat. years down payment for my seats below the press box again. Truth be known, I had deep reservations about this game. The tussle in Boston the day before left both teams physically ex- Rich has the unfortunate task of having season tickets next to the editor and his un- washed body, and would like to apologize to the family who sat in front of him Sunday hausted. Both teams lost the next day. In my opinion we don’t seem for repeatedly calling Burrows, “a bitch,” in front of their three young daughters. to fare well in these 2pm games. My theory on why is that with The Making of The Chicago Blackhawks

info in part provided by hockeyreference.com YEAR DRAFT TRADE FREE AGENT 2008-2009 Samuel Pahlsson (COL 7th round 1996) and Brian Campbell (BUF 6th Logan Stephenson (PHX 2nd round 2004) from round 1997 ANA for James Wisniewski (CHI 5th round Cristobal Huet (LA 7th round 2002) and Petri Kontiola (CHI 7th round 2004) 2001) Matt Walker (STL 3rd round 1998) Aaron Johnson (CLB 3rd round 2001) 2007-2008 Patrick Kane (1st round) Ben Eager (PHO 1st round 2002) from PHI for Brent Sopel (VAN 6th round Jim Vandermeer (FA PHI 2000) 1995) Craig Adams (HAR 9th round 1996) from CAR for future considerations. Andrew Ladd (CAR 1st round 2004) from CAR for Tuomo Ruutu (CHI 1st round 2001) 2006-2007 Jonathan Toews (1st round) Martin Havlat (OTT 1st round 1999) from OTT and Bryan Smolinski (BOS 1st round 1990) for Tom Preissing (FA SJ 2003), Josh Hennessy (SJ 2nd round 2003) and Michael Barinka (CHI 2nd round 2003) Kris Versteeg (BOS 5th round 2004) from BOS for Brandon Bochenski (OTT 7th round 2001) 2005-2006 Niklas Hjalmarsson (4th round) Patrick Sharp (PHI 3rd round 2001) from PHI Nikolai Khabibulin (WIN 9th for Matt Ellison (CHI 4th round 2002) and CHI round 1992) 3rd round pick 2006 2004-2005 Cam Barker (1st round) Dave Bolland (2nd round) Troy Brouwer (7th round) 2003-2004 Brent Seabrook (1st round) Colin Fraser (PHI 3rd round 2003), Jim Van- Dustin Byfuglien (8th round) dermeer (PHI FA 2000) and 2004 2nd round pick from PHI for Alex Zhamnov and 2004 4th round pick (WIN 4th round 1990) 2002-2003 Duncan Keith (2nd round) Adam Burish (9th round)

COACHES GM HISTORY Head Coach-Joel Quenneville Dale Tallon (2005-Present) Assistant Coach- Bob Pulford (Too Fucking Long) Assistant Coach-Mike Haviland Mike Smith (2001-2004) Assistant Coach- Marc Bergevin Bob Murray (1999-2000) Goaltending Coach-Stephane Waite The Making of The St. Louis Blues

info in part provided by hockeyreference.com YEAR DRAFT TRADE FREE AGENT 2008-2009 Alex Steen (TOR 1st round 2002) and Carlo Chris Mason (NJ 5th round 1995) Colaiacovo (TOR 1st round 2001) from TOR BJ Crombeen (DAL 2nd round for (STL 5th round 2003) 2003) Brad Winchester (EDM 2nd round 2000) Tyson Strachan (CAR 5th round 2003) 2007-2008 David Perron (1st round) Andy McDonald (ANA Undrafted FA 2000) Paul Kariya (fag) (ANA 1st round from ANA for (NYR 2nd round 1993) 1990) and Michal Birner Mike Weaver (Waivers) Keith Tkachuk (WIN 1st round 1990) from ATL for 2008 1st round pick Cam Janssen (NJ 4th round 2002) from NJ for Bryce Salvador (TB 6th round 1994) 2006-2007 Patrick Berglund (1st round) Brad Boyes (TOR 1st round 2000) from BOS Dan Hinote (COL 7th round 1996) for Dennis Wideman (BUF 8th round 2002) Jay McKee (BUF 1st round 1994) Yan Stastny from BOS for 2007 5th round pick Manny Legace (HAR 8th round 1993) Steve Wagner (Undrafted FA) 2005-2006 T.J. Oshie (1st round) Eric Brewer (NYI 1st 1997), Jeff Woywitka Ben Bishop (3rd round) (PHI 1st round 2001), and (EDM 2nd round 2001) from EDM for (HAR 1st round 1993) 2004-2005 Roman Polak (6th round) 2003-2004 David Backes (2nd round)

2002-2003 D.J. King (6th round) 2001-2002 Jay McClement (2nd round) 1999-2000 Barret Jackman (1st round

COACHES Head Coach: Andy Murray GM HISTORY Asst. Coach: Ray Bennett 2006-Present: John Davidson Asst. Coach: 1998-2006: Larry Pleau Goaltending Coach: Rick Wamsley The Hawks Record When...

Playing at home...... 21-9-7 Allowing a short-handed goal...... 2-4-1 Getting obliterated on face-offs...... 16-11-4 Playing on road...... 19-15-4 Taking 30 or more shots...... 31-16-8 Are even close on face-offs..... 24-13-7 Scoring first...... 28-5-4 Taking less than 30 shots..... 9-8-3 Eddie O tells crew to “stop it right here!”.... 34-18-11 Opponent scores first...... 12-19-7 Allowing 30 shots or more...... 17-9-6 Eddie O tells us D have the forwards and forwards have the D Shoot the puck bimbo scores...... 5-2-1 Allowing 30 shots or less...... 23-15-5 during 4-on-4...... 34-17-11 Shoot the puck bimbo doesn’t score...... 16-6-6 100 Level doesn’t cheer for anthem. 21-8-7 Pat Foley screws up a name...... 38-19-11 Shoot the puck bimbo blows editors of Commited Indian..... 0-0-0 1st of a back-to-back...... 4-6-3 Ice Crew wear skirts...... 7-1-3 Editors of Indian have car broken into day of game ...... 1-0-0 2nd of a back-to-back..... 7-5-1 Ice Crew wear pants...... 3-1-0 Playing on a Monday...... 2-2-1 Opponent played night before.... 8-5-2 Ice Crew wear shorts.... 11-7-4 Playing on a Tuesday...... 6-4-0 Taking more than 5 penalties..... 16-16-5 Member of Ice Crew hilariously falls on her shapely ass.... 0-1-0 Playing on a Wednesday...... 9-1-3 Taking 5 or less penalties.... 24-8-6 Leading after 2 periods...... 31-2-3 Playing on a Thursday...... 2-3-0 Seabrook gets a flat-footed penalty.... 8-5-6 Losing after 2 periods...... 2-17-4 Playing on a Friday...... 5-4-4 Burish takes a penalty...... 8-6-2 Tied after 2 periods...... 7-5-4 Playing on a Saturday...... 7-5-3 Keith takes a penalty...... 13-5-2 In overtime...... 5-5 Playing on a Sunday...... 9-5-0 Sharp takes a penalty...... 10-3-2 In shootout...... 4-6 Savard changes lines during game... 1-2-1 Toews takes a penalty..... 9-5-3 Cam Barker plays...... 32-20-8 Coach Q keeps lines as they are..... 39-22-10 Havlat takes a penalty.... 6-3-1 Cam Barker is in Rockford due to GM incompetence..... 6-2-3 Are out-muscled by opponent.... 10-18-4 Sopel takes a penalty...... 3-2-1 Lacking a #2 center...... 37-22-9 Outshoot opponent...... 29-14-6 Sopel looks 6 steps slow...... 7-5-5 In 1-goal games..... 11-7-11 Are outshot by opponent.... 11-10-5 51 Phantom blows a coverage...... 27-20-9 In 2-goal games...... 12-7-0 Havlat shies from contact...... 16-6-6 Toews is trying too hard...... 3-8-3 In 3-goal games...... 8-6-0 Patrick Kane scores...... 11-7-3 At least 1 fight in 300 Level... 3-3-4 In 4+ goal games...... 8-3-0 Jonathan Toews scores...... 13-3-6 No fights in 300 Level..... 18-5-3 Scoring 3+ goals..... 37-7-7 Martin Havlat scores...... 16-4-1 Playing Eastern Conference..... 9-7-3 Scoring less than 3 goals...... 3-16-4 Patrick Sharp scores...... 16-4-2 Playing Western Conference..... 31-18-8 PA plays Ministry...... 0-0-0 Dustin Byfuglien scores...... 7-2-1 Playing Central Division...... 4-7-6 PA plays Modern Cock-Rock..... 21-9-7 Dustin Byfuglien wins a foot-race??!!!!!..... 1-1-0 Playing Northwest Division.... 12-6-1 PA plays Stranglehold...... 6-3-4 Andrew Ladd scores...... 11-0-1 Playing Pacific Division 15-5-1 PA plays P.J. Harvey...... 0-0-0 Dave Bolland scores...... 11-1-4 Playing Atlantic Division 2-3-2 Fraser fights...... 7-3-1 Adam Burish scores...... 3-2-1, and totally ruins that joke Playing NASCAR Division 4-1-0 Burish fights...... 5-2-0 51 Phantom scores...... 3-2-1 Playing Northeast Division 3-2-1 Seabrook fights..... 1-0-0 Duncan Keith scores...... 5-3-0 Playing in October.... 4-3-3 Barker fights...... 0-0-2 Brent Seabrook scores...... 5-1-1 Playing in November.... 6-3-3 Buff fights...... 1-1-2 VerStud scores.... 12-7-1 Playing in December...... 10-1-1 Sharp fights...... 1-0-0 Troy Brouwer scores.... 8-0-0 Playing in January..... 7-6-1 Eager fights...... 10-4-1 Scoring a Power Play goal...... 29-10-9 Playing in February..... 7-4-1 On Comcast...... 30-13-8 Not scoring a Power Play goal... 11-13-2 Playing in March...... 6-7-2 On WGN...... 10-7-3 Allowing a Power Play goal...... 17-18-10 Playing in April...... 0-0-0 On Vs...... 0-3-0 Not Allowing a Power Play goal...... 23-6-1 UC plays really stupid goal song..... 21-5-7 On NBC.... 0-1-0 Scoring a short-handed goal...... 6-2-0 Huet’s five-hole open like Lindsay Lohan’s..... 3-11-4 Judd Sirott hates Adam Creighton 40-24-11

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