Shiva Minyan

Shiva Minyan Prospectus for Mincha/Ma’ariv PASSIONATE DAVENING A Joint Program of the Federation of Jewish Men’s Clubs and the Cantors Assembly By Hazzan Steven Stoehr and Congregation Beth Shalom of Northbrook, Illinois The inevitable cycle of life ultimately lands on sadness. Whether a loved one lives one year or a thousand years, upon death, for the survivors, that time is never sufficient. The circumstances that bring one to this period of time are as varied as the individuals for whom mourning is observed. One may have lived a long full life, and mourning is not as searing as for one who may have been ill for years and the family has been “sitting shiva” for quite a while. For another, it may be a shocking reality of an accident or crime that has taken a 1 life. Each mourner, like a finger print, is unique and personal and the “color of mourning” is as varied as are the hues of paints on an artist’s palette. The Shiva Minyan provides a unique opportunity for the community to offer comfort and for the mourner to receive it. For those who have been raised with an understanding and sensitivity for the traditional; the normative way that the minyan is conducted often provides the opportunity for the mourner to feel supportive. While variations in custom differ from community to community all communities are united by common goals and in most instances a similar liturgy. A singular universal format defining the paradigm for the Shiva Minyan though would be an exercise in futility. The variables of literacy and observance have a multitude of degrees. These alone mandate that a multi-approach be formulated. Developing the norms and practices for Shiva Minyanim is equally difficult, as from within each community emerges traditions for its religious practices. Either enunciated from the pulpit or via a local history of practice, minhagim (customs) for how these often private, individualized services are run, varies immensely. This initiative is not to determine customs such as the covering of mirrors, serving of specific food, (or not serving food at all) and other customs of the Shiva home. This process will address only the liturgy of the service, the models for creating inclusive services, and possible supplemental readings for offering comfort to the avel/avelim (mourners). ISSUES FOR EACH INDIVIDUAL COMMUNITY: - to create outlines for alternative Shiva Books within the community - to create its own additional manual for teaching. (General Shiva Minyan musical and liturgical materials are available as an example). - WHAT IS THE MINIMUM ONE CAN CONDUCT TO CONSTITUTE A SERVICE? 2 - What if there is no minyan, do you say Kaddish? MINYAN AS THEATER: In order for this effort to succeed the clergy need to understand the relationship of a prayer service to theater. Too often a rabbi and cantor lead a service that reflects their comfort level or their understanding of what the tradition requires and does not take into account the needs of the mourners. It is incumbent upon those leading the service to have the necessary skills in order to choreograph and direct and lead the service so that the desired goals are obtained. The shiva minyan like all services in our tradition is liturgical theater. It has a script and requires choreography. The Shaliah Tzibbur, the representative of the congregation, is its director. His/Her job is to transform the home of the mourner into a sacred space and to draw all who are present into an quorum of meaningful community expression. While the leader of the minyan will be a welcomed into mourner’s home and expected to lead the service he/she is not expected to serve as a surrogate Rabbi or Hazzan. PREPARATION: PRIOR to the evening minyan, the clergy should secure the following details and transmit the information to the Shiva Minyan leader or coordinator. 1. Is the family Hebraically literate or not? This will help the leader determine for which mode of service to prepare. 2. Based on the time of year is there: a. Mincha/Ma’ariv or just one service? b. Special Liturgy? ( Rosh Chodesh, Al HaNisim, Omer, etc). 3. Are the materials at the house? 3 Once the leader is contacted by the clergy or Shiva Minyan Coordinator it would be advised for them to call the family, some time late afternoon, to introduce themself, confirm the time of arrival, and discuss if there may be a manner in which they would like a family member to participate, either by reading an English prayer, or even leading the service. LEARNING THE STEPS: Understand your role A Shiva Minyan leader. Must be flexible. You are an emissary of your congregation and need to reflect the policies and minhagim of your congregation. The primary purpose of entering into a home of Shiva is to be menachem avel, a comforter of the bereaved. One’s own personal agenda cannot interfere. If the family is to be truly comforted by your presence your philosophies and religious preferences need to be put aside in the best interests of the mourners. If the mourners have an Ashkenazic transliteration of the kaddish it would be more appropriate to recite the kaddish in Ashkenazi instead of sephardi. Consider Teaching The traditional minhag of teaching between services or, at times, before or after them, is one which sets a tone of solemnity and honor. Be it the ritual of selecting passages of Mishna with an acrostic of the deceased’s name or possibly a modern poem or story which illuminates the character of the individual, the idea of teaching in his/her name is time honored. (See Rabbinical Assembly Publication of Sefer Ot Olam). If the shaliah tzibbur feels sufficiently comfortable it is worth a try. Assessing the comfort level and knowledge of the group. Upon arriving at shiva home introduce yourself to each of the mourners and determine their relationship to the deceased. Ask them if they can read Hebrew or would they be more comfortable reciting the Kaddish from a transliteration. Spend a few moments introducing yourself to the guests and attempt to learn how many of them are capable of supporting 4 your efforts. Ask them if you sang the first paragraph of the shema would they be able to sing with you. Ask them if they know the tune for Alenu. As a result of a few simple questions you should be able to determine how traditional nature of the group. Once this has been accomplished it is time to establish a physical presence. Account for the minyan books, kippot and other ritual items and begin to clear the space for the minyan. The minyan most often in is the same room where the Shiva Candle is burning (but not necessarily). Establishing a Physical Presence The leader should make him/herself central to the event. Depending upon the room, either by standing at the front of the room, lecture style with the mourners in touching distance; or by placing him/herself in the center of the minyan with the mourners in touching distance. Close proximity allows for gentle guidance and also assists to create the proper mood for a minyan of comfort. While it is ideal to have all the mourners in the room, should one or more not have arrived to the house by the time of Minyan the leader should be as flexible as possible, however, not to the point of being a “tircha d’tsibura” unreasonably causing discomfort to those present. Introduce yourself While it is incumbent upon the immediate mourners to be the shaliach tsibur, (service leader), for the minyan more often than not, they decline. The leader sbegins by acknowledging the name of the dthe name of the deceased and by welcoming those community members who are in attendance. One simple introduction might begin, “I am ___ and on behalf of Congregation ____, I am honored to assist the family in this evening’s service.” Announce you will be beginning the service in a few minutes and encourage them to contact the tardy family member by phone or other 5 means that will allow them you to determine when the service should begin. Set the Mood Consider offering a brief reflection on one of several ideas or a word or two about the deceased if you knew him/her personally. (Remember this is not your opportunity for personal eulogy; that has taken place previously at the funeral service). Concluding Thoughts A concluding sentence or two is an appropriate way to conclude the service. “Although one need not thank people for coming to fulfill this mitzvah of being with the mourners, I hope you sense the importance of your presence here tonight. You are invited to remain for another short period of time to be with the X family and share your memories of Y with them. (Tomorrow we will gather again at the same hour). Stay well and todah raba, thank you”. And Remember – on the Last Night On the last day of shiva, the leader should conclude with a meaningful statement about one phase of the mourning coming to an end, and yet while the family will take the first elementary step of returning to the community and “getting on” with life, this is not something they will truly ever “get over”. SKILLS NECESARRY: The Cantor, Rabbi, Ritual Director or other such ritually competent person should train the Shiva leaders. One of the first skills required for this mitzvah is that of being a competent Hebrew reader. One cannot fully be at ease leading, what can be a rather dysfunctional atmosphere, while being unsure of one’s own skill set.

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