PARENT GUIDE BOOK What, When, and How to Talk to Your 5 to 9 Year
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® PARENT GUIDE BOOK © Copyright 2010 by Chrystal de Freitas, M.D., F.A.A.P. Illustrations copyright © 2010 by Healthy Chats LLC All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, by photostat, microfilm, xerography, or any other means, or incorporated into any Information retrieval system, What,When,andHowtoTalkto electronic or mechanical, without the written permission of the copyright owner. Your5to9YearOldChildaboutSex All inquiries should be addressed to: Healthy Chats LLC 4680 Tarantella Lane San Diego, CA 92130 [email protected] AHealthyChatabouttheBirds&theBees ISBN # 0-9844529-2-3 forthe ParentsofYoungChildren Published by: Healthy Chats LLC www.healthychats.com Healthy1 Chats® and The Birds and the Bees with Ease!® ByDr.ChrystaldeFreitas,M.D.,FAAP are registered trademarks of Healthy Chats LLC. ©2010Dr.ChrystaldeFreitas,M.D.,F.A.A.P,HealthyChatsLLC.AllRightsReserved. CONTENTS ABOUT THE AUTHOR Page Dr. Chrystal de Freitas, M.D., F.A.A.P, founder of Healthy Chats LLC, is a About the Author ............................................................ 1 pediatrician, educator, and parent. She has Introduction..................................................................... 2 been Board Certified in pediatrics since Sexuality......................................................................... 4 1987, is a Fellow of the American Academy in Pediatrics, and has a private practice, General Guidelines......................................................... 6 Carmel Valley Pediatrics, in San Diego, Secret vs. Private............................................................ 7 California. What do 5 Year Olds Need to Know............................... 9 What do 6 to 9 Year Olds Need to Know........................ 10 For the past 15 years, Dr. de Freitas has been presenting "Healthy Where do Babies Come From?....................................... 12 Chats for Girls" (a mother-daughter seminar), and the "The Birds and the Bees with Ease!" (a parent seminar). Due to popular How do Babies Get Out?................................................. 15 demand, she recently expanded her presentations to include How are Babies Made?................................................... 16 “Healthy Chats for Boys” (a parent-son seminar). Teachable Moments........................................................ 20 Sexual Curiosity............................................................... 21 She is the author of "Keys to Your Child's Healthy Sexuality" (Barron's Educational Series, 1998), "Puberty in Girls" (Health Modesty ........................................................................... 22 Infonet, 2000), and "Puberty in Boys" (Health Infonet, 2000). In Touching/Exploring........................................................... 23 2008, Dr. de Freitas created "My First Period Kit & DVD", a fun and What is Gay? .................................................................... 23 comprehensive kit that helps mothers review the topic of puberty Foul Language.................................................................. 24 with their daughters, comfortably at home. AIDS and HIV ................................................................... 25 Dr. de Freitas has been happily married for 30 years to Dr. Jeff Molestation........................................................................ 25 Bonadio. Their children, Cecily, Jocelyn, and Andrew, are now Puberty is Coming............................................................ 26 grown and are healthy young adults. It was Jocelyn who suggested Healthy Relationships....................................................... 27 the title of this book. Time In.............................................................................. 29 Learn more about Dr. de Freitas at www.healthychats.com. The Single Parent............................................................ 31 Glossary............................................................................ 33 Resources ........................................................................ 38 Parent’s Worksheet......................................................... 40 Photo2 Credits Pages 4 & 8: © David Niblack/Imagebase.com; Pages 5, 20, & 24: Courtesy of 1 FreePhotos.com;©2010Dr.Chrystal Pagesde 12,Freitas, 29, 30M.D., & 32:F.A.A.P, CourtesyHealthy of MorgueFile.com;ChatsLLC.All PageRights 27:Reserved. Courtesy of PublicDomainPictures.net; Page 31: Phaedra Wilkinson. Illustrations © 2008, 2010 Healthy Chats LLC Caution: Your child might have special needs for information and Learning about the facts of life is similar to learning about guidance not adequately covered here. Professional counsel could be mathematics. We will begin with very simple "arithmetic," and then helpful, even necessary. advance gradually. This booklet emphasizes a "little by little" approach that will make your job easier and more effective. INTRODUCTION You have undoubtedly been doing an excellent job in caring for your children, nurturing them, providing them love and affection. Talking to young children about the birds and the bees can cause This is a vital part of teaching sexuality. anxiety, even in the most confident parent. I know this well—I too have been there. We all procrastinate, making up excuses to delay Nonetheless, the topics of reproduction and male-female the conversation. We think: "They are too young" or "I'll do it later" relationships are a bit complicated. We can all use a little help as to or "The children will get that information at school" or “Why spoil what knowledge is appropriate for our children. How much do they their innocence?” need to know, and when do they need to know it? When are the best opportunities to talk? How can you recognize a "teachable The reality is that if we parents don't initiate the conversation, it will moment"? This booklet offers help along these lines. be done for us. In fact, the process of your child's sexual education has already begun (it began at birth). Parents, friends, caretakers, When my children were preteens, I examined the health education the media, and all others who interact with your child will play some curriculum they were going to receive at school, and I volunteered sort of role in educating your child about sexuality. my services as a way to get involved. Unfortunately, along the way, your child may be The school welcomed me with open arms and asked me to teach exposed to some information or events that fail to young girls about the changes of puberty and related issues. The meet the standards of your values and beliefs. classes I taught were eye-openers. The girls lacked basic Consider many of the television programs that information about conception (information I thought they would have children see—the sexual messages and received at home). In my experience, providing health information innuendoes are rampant. did not “spoil their innocence”. Rather, it “bridged their ignorance.” The girls were not comfortable asking their mothers about the topic It is therefore of utmost importance that the parents take of conception or the changes in their bodies brought on by puberty. an active role in teaching children about healthy "I am too embarrassed to speak to my mom about this," they would sexuality. It is my view that parents should be a child's say. And yet, they would question me, a stranger. primary educator about healthy sexuality. This booklet can help you bridge that chasm—or, hopefully, keep it Sexuality is a sensitive topic because of its private nature. Yet, if the from developing in the first place. Ideally, the education process subject is approached in small steps and with age-appropriate should begin very early so that the lines of communication are information, the barriers will not seem so high. working well by the time the child becomes a preteen. 2 3 ©2010Dr.ChrystaldeFreitas,M.D.,F.A.A.P,HealthyChatsLLC.AllRightsReserved. ©2010Dr.ChrystaldeFreitas,M.D.,F.A.A.P,HealthyChatsLLC.AllRightsReserved. There are many correct ways of approaching this topic, so don't Much of this you have already been teaching your child by example, hesitate to modify my suggestions. Use my words as a springboard in the everyday, loving environment of your home. This kind of to start the conversation and as an opening for teaching your own teaching can be expanded by purposeful words when the time is values and beliefs! right. SEXUALITY When should you begin to talk? Many parents believe that conversations about sex are only for preteens and What is Sexuality? teenagers. They give the preteen “The Human sexuality is much more than the mechanics of sex. It is Talk" just before he or she enters more than "The Talk" about the birds and the bees. It involves many puberty. It's usually an awkward aspects of our lives, such as: conversation. The fact that it's coming late is evidenced by the common x The way we relate to the opposite sex in everyday contact. response our children have: "I already know that." x The way we give and receive affection. x The way we approach situations and problems. Other parents adopt a hands-off approach, hoping that the schools will do the teaching for them. Delaying or omitting conversations x The way we choose the values that represent the foundation about sex is likely to make giving guidance for sexual behavior and purpose of our lives. during the teenage years more difficult. We need to be prepared to talk about respect, both for others and We need to get started earlier. By age four or