Issue 590, 28 Nov 2003 THE INDEPENDENT CAMBRIDGE STUDENT NEWSPAPER www.varsity.co.uk

OPINION ARTS RUGBY Tom Lane takes The three great lessons of SPECIAL on mediocracy daytime television Varsity Match preview PAGE 10 PAGE 17 PULL OUT Out of the shadows

VC support for top-up eton im Mor fees threatens rift in uni T

posals in this letter may have sparked a major rift Tim Moreton and Tom Cahill within the University. She wrote that “the The University yesterday formally unveiled Government’s proposals for a new approach to the scheme of bursaries that was revealed student fees…are right in principle” and that bur- by Varsity last week. The scheme seems set saries should be funded “from the increase in fee to spearhead the Government’s arguments income”. that their controversial Higher Education Ben Brinded told Varsity, “The letter is not funding proposals will not damage access. representative of the students or of the colleges At a press conference in Westminster the Vice- and will affect access.” Similarly, Professor Chancellor, Alison Richard said that the pro- Gillian Evans said, “We [fellows] have not been posals, under which grants of £4,000 will be of- asked for our view. The Vice-Chancellor of fered to students whose parents earn less than Cambridge does not have authority to make £15,000, would make Cambridge “more af- policy for the university.” fordable than it is now” for the poorest students. Yesterday, Professor Richard distanced the She estimated that one in ten students would be University from her comments, saying that she eligible for the full £4,000, but that up to a third was “speaking on [her] own behalf”. She told of students – those with parental incomes as high reporters that University Council had given as £35,000 – would also receive some support. only “informal consideration” as to whether to But the announcement was met in part with support higher fees. dismay from those who accuse Cambridge of con- Since Monday’s letter, Homerton has set it- flating the issues of paying for teaching and pro- self at odds with the Vice-Chancellor and an- viding maintenance. Ben Brinded, President of nounced its opposition to top-up fees, a position Cambridge University Student’s Union (CUSU), already shared by Downing and Churchill. The said that, although the bursaries on offer were College governing body approved a motion put “excellent and comprehensive”, there were oth- forward by students to register its objection. er ways of funding them than through top-up The Government’s proposals, which headed fees. He argued fees would “damage the princi- the list of new bills in the Queen’s speech on ple of equality of opportunity” and would Wednesday, are likely to be met by a backbench “thwart the aspirations of future generations”. revolt by Labour MPs. An early day motion tabled He argued, “It is widely accepted that full stu- on Wednesday has already received 128 Labour dent loans are not enough to cover students’ signatories. It asks for the Government to “pub- basic maintenance costs, but the University’s im- lish full details of alternative [models of funding] plicit support for the White Paper in these pro- to facilitate proper, informed debate.” posals helps the government in shirking its re- CUSU will next week attempt to step into the sponsibilities in providing this to all students.” breach when they release their ‘Alternative White Varsity’s exposure of the scheme last week Paper’ to the national press. The paper will call seems to have caused a rushed response from the for an increase in top-bracket income tax to fund Vice-Chancellor. She wrote a letter to The Times higher education. In its support, Brinded argued on Monday that, while not admitting the de- “Universities and students deserve better than tails of the scheme, justified its need by saying what the Government is offering them. Bursaries “[Our] commitment to access to higher educa- are important to cover students’ living costs but tion…is at risk unless universities become suffi- it’s the fees and the debt that will deter most of ciently well funded to be able to offer bursaries.” the people we are targeting.” But her support for the Government’s pro- Alison Richard Interview p4

“I’m still a millionaire- they’re not” “Various guinea pig parts were seen every day” Pete Waterman on one hit wonders PAGE 14 Zoe Organ on her time in Peru PAGE 12

The region’s best guide to what’s on – see next Thursday’s Cambridge Evening News NEWS EDITOR: JONATHAN WOOD, LAURA-JANE FOLEY, BENJAMIN BLAND 02 Nov 28, 2003 www.varsity.co.uk

What’s inside... News pg2 Monkey labs approved Peterhouse bans kettles, col- lege wine for sale, where have Aisleigh Sawyer all the masters gone? Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott granted the University Alex Steer Comment pg5 permission to go ahead with a mul- Top-up fees in the Queen’s ti-million pound primate research Speech... a terrible fudge? centre at 307 Huntingdon Road last week. However, financial problems may still cause the University to abandon the plans it fought five Features pg9 years to get approved. MoJoW unites Jewish and Overruling previous decisions by Muslim women. South Cambridgeshire District Council and the government planning inspectorate, John Prescott stated in Editorial pg10 his report last Friday that “the pro- Varsity’s view posed development is regarded by the Government as being of national im- portance and that it is fully in line with Travel pg12 government policy”. The centre would be one of the largest animal testing lab- Brixton in a day and the oratories in Europe. South Mountains of Peru Cambridgeshire Council had initially rejected the planning application for the PRC as protestors could cause 307 Huntingdon Road- site for the proposed primate research centre Listings pull out chaos and disturbance to locals. Nonetheless, the University re- this is not the right site.” The more ex- islation of its type in the world”. Your four-page guide to what’s However, Pro Vice-Chancellor mains officially committed to the proj- treme group, SPEAC, even warned Minson argued, “everyone who joins on this week Tony Minson admitted that the centre ect and is still in discussion with fund- that they are prepared to bring the the protest will be marching against looks set to be so expensive that it may ing partners and agencies. Minson University to its knees, saying, “Every some of the most fundamental med- be axed. A University spokesperson argued, “We want to do the science brick laid will be contested”. ical breakthroughs that have kept added that delays had made things and… if we can manage the finances Cambridge admits that already “re- them…safe over the years.” Rugby Special worse, saying, “Each month that pass- we will do it.” searchers, scientists, vets and admin Andrew Tyler, Director of Animal Varisty match preview es means a significant amount of mon- Reaction to the Deputy Prime staff have all been the target of threats.” Aid, believes that “pulling the plug on ey added to the capital costs of the proj- Minister’s decision was divided. However, a recent MORI Poll the project due to lack of finances ect in inflation.” Animal rights protestors were out- showed that more than 80% of the would give Cambridge a face-saving The centre is likely to cost £30 mil- raged by the “grotesque and as- population recognizes the need for the way out of the controversy”. Interview pg14 lion to build and involve running costs tounding” development and South use of animals in biomedical research. Cambridge responded, “The of £1.5 million. Shortfalls in the proj- Cambridgeshire MPAndrew Lansley Meanwhile, the University maintains University is not bowing to pressure.” Music impressario Pete ect have been reported as between said, “It is unwise on John Prescott’s that testing is carried out in accordance Yet, despite their professed resilience Waterman £7 million and £9.6 million. part. We have argued all the way that with “the most rigorous piece of leg- the question of costs still remains.

The Ordinary pg15 Your fun is their challenge Live don and prosper graduates at Caius who also died aged The national average for males was lifestyle might well explain why dons Jonathan Wood 60 or over. The second group was the 15.3 years. live longer, “such features might in- Fashion pg16 Living amongst ivory towers real- wider UK population. Dr Brooke said, “it seems unlike- clude a secure job, accommodation Dressing to impress for the ly can do wonders for your health. Copas described her methodology ly that the enhanced longevity of and pension, a supportive commu- party season A new study based on an under- to Varsity more succinctly, explaining Fellows is due to childhood back- nity and the esteem of one’s peers. grauate dissertation has shown that they relied heavily on obituaries ground, because the undergraduates They are features shared with a that Cambridge dons have life ex- in the University Reporter and then live no longer than the national pop- monastic lifestyle, and earlier work pectancies that are on average lives “put it all into a big statistical model”. ulation”. One suggestion is that it has demonstrated enhanced life Arts pg17 for four years higher than the gen- At the age of 60 the median expec- “could be due to the [assumed] spans among monks.” eral population. tation of further life of Fellows was 19 greater intelligence of Fellows, if there Copas added, “It is about the Christmas TV Alife of formal halls, expensive col- years. In contrast, former undergrad- were a link between intelligence and quality of life, job security, reliable lege wine, beautiful surroundings and uates had just 16 years left on the clock. longevity”. The sedate college accommodation and pensions. It’s

riding a bicycle really could be the se- e those kinds of things that can make Film pg18 cret to longevity. Unfortunately the ar a difference to life expectancy.” She health benefits of a Cambridge edu- said that the response to the study Focus on the Arts cation are not passed on to under- Kate W had been “phenomenal, I’ve just Picturehouse and independent graduates who live only fractionally been so pleased that we could sci- film longer than the average. entifically prove that there was The study was carried out by something there [that affects life ex- Sport pg22 Cambridge vets Victoria Copas and pectancy], in those post-graduation City jobs tempt potential sports Rachel Gylee, who were assisted by years. I just hope someone takes the stars, while the Canoe Club Dr Michael Brooke and Dr Oliver study further, maybe the next gen- becomes homeless Kruger at the Department of Zoology. eration of zoologists. ” Their findings are due to be published Other factors were found to make soon in Trends in Ecology and Evolution. no difference. Money it seems can- Got a story? The team took a sample of 311 fel- not buy good health- the wealth of col- lows born between 1900 and 1920 who leges had no effect. Artists were no Email [email protected] or ring died aged 60 years or older. They had healthier than scientists. Likewise 01223 337575 if you have a story two control groups for comparison moving up the academic hierarchy had a similar demographic composi- had no effect. Masters live no longer tion. The first consisted of 558 under- “Of course, it’s precisely the high stress nature of the work that keeps me going” than most fellows. Visit our newly redesigned website at www.varsity.co.uk EDITOR: JONATHAN WOOD, LAURA-JANE FOLEY AND BENJAMIN BLAND NEWS www.varsity.co.uk Nov 28, 2003 03 Out with the frying pans Jess Blackstone “scalding water could end up on sur- it was plugged in, to the kitchen; the Laura-Jane Foley faces and carpets and bedders could kitchen having no plug socket and the Peterhouse has been enforcing trip over the leads”. This is despite the kettle lead being left in a pile of water. health and safety regulations fact that the College provides every And they think we’re unsafe.” with unprecedented strictness, conference guest with a kettle. The level of student dissatisfaction declaring it unsafe to keep cook- The Peterhouse Sexcentenary Club was evident from the number of peo- ing appliances in kitchens. (which acts as the college JCR but calls ple who turned up to the Sex Club On the orders of the domestic bur- itself the Sex Club) passsed a motion open meeting earlier this week. One sar, college staff have searched stu- at their open meeting last Tuesday stat- student told Varsity, “Porters, mainte- dents rooms for cooking items such as ing that they believed that the college’s nance and housekeeping can access frying pans, kettles, sandwich makers stance on the use of such appliances is undergraduate rooms unannounced and microwaves. They often entered based on “ an overly paranoid read- at any time they want (often without rooms “unannounced and uninvited” ing of Health and Safety guidelines ”. even knocking) by signing a key out and refuse to return confiscated items. Drew Livingstone, President of the from the porters”. Livingstone added, The college’s motivation behind the Sex Club, doubted the college’s com- “People are really upset about this. room checks was student safety. For mitment to student safety pointing out They feel they’re being treated like example, all kettles were removed that, “earlier this week maintenance children.” At the open meeting, the from rooms on the grounds that moved a kettle from a landing where Sex Club overwhelmingly resolved to demand that all the confiscated items should be returned immediately and a review of cooking regulations should First Lady be undertaken. However, the College decided that the confiscated items will not be re- turned to students until they go down for the Christmas vacation. of the Union Despite the motion, the ‘spot- checks’ are still officially taking place. The Bursar, who permitted them, is on Last week Kate Steadman was elected as the President of the Cambridge holiday in Scotland. However, the Union. She is the first female to win a Union election battle since Easter 2000. housekeeper has called an informal Her election caused controversy last week when her rival Alan Mak was declraed truce due to the number of first years ineligile to stand after accusations that he had forged an invoice. who descended on her in tears at the Steadman hopes to put such events behind her, “I want a term that puts the Union

Alex Mair ‘theft’ of their belongings. in touch with members and in touch with the times.”

You know the Trendies, the Jocks, the Thesps, the Brains, the Sloanes... but who are the Mighty, the créme de la créme, the future leaders? Next term Varsity brings you the Cambridge Power 100 with the top students, academics and admin staff who control this university's success. CambridgePower100

FIND OUT 16 January 2004 Are you in it? NEWS EDITOR: JONATHAN WOOD. LAURA-JANE FOLEY AND BENJAMIN BLAND 04 Nov 28, 2003 www.varsity.co.uk

NEWS“We want the best, regardless of background” IN BRIEF Alison Richard speaks to Tom Ebbutt about the future of Cambridge Was it a Balls Up? Weeks, even for those who run However, as I point out and she through parliament we would still pact upon access. Cambridge students got the universities such as Cambridge, agrees this is not the end of the sto- look to move forward on this However, Richard insists she was chance to don their ball gowns do not come much bigger than the ry; “This isn’t only about cost there through fundraising but that would writing in a personal capacity. “I and dinner jackets slightly earli- one just gone. Front page of The are also a number of perception as- be in the longer term”. wrote because I believed… I could- er than usual at the Fresh as Times on Monday, watching the pects to the access issue and we in But she hopes they will n’t be a part of the debate until the Snow Ball on Monday night. The Government outline its vision for Cambridge have to work at pass, as is evident from bursary system was in place and now 1,300 capacity Corn Exchange the future of Higher Education on that particularly hard”. the letter to The Times it is, I felt that at that point in time it was at full capacity as revellers Wednesday, down to Westminster These bursaries are on Monday was right to say something.” danced to the usual Cambridge on Thursday for the announce- designed to penned by her So if she sees top-up fees being in- musical fayre of R’n’B and ment of a groundbreaking new counter at least along with troduced does she see them being flat cheese. Extra entertainment bursary scheme. the financial the heads of rate across the University or varied was, however, few and far However, despite placing her- aspect of this, four other depending by course? between and took the form of a self at the forefront of the top-up fees because, as leading uni- “I do have a personal view, but I bucking bronco, a casino and a debate, Alison Richard seems to be she accepts, versities in would sit and listen to the views giant scalectrix track. taking it all in her stride. Speaking to the introduc- which she within the University before any de- Varsity immediately after the bur- tion of top-up said that cision was made”. Breast cancer gene saries announcement, as she trav- fees – despite top-up fees And higher fees in the future, will elled back up to the Fens for more the fact that are right “in you be drawn on that? A new gene for breast and ovar- meetings, decisions and dinners, she they are de- principle”. This “They are an option on the table.” ian cancer has been uncovered was still filled with the infectious en- ferred – will have letter, and ac- So for the moment that is what this by a consortium of Cancer UK thusiasm that struck everyone who an adverse impact companying week has given us; a fantastic new scientists. It was the missing spoke to her when she first arrived upon the way those front page article, bursary system, a V-C in favour of link that doctors had been from the States in September. the University hope to has caused much fees and very few details besides. And searching for and finally reveals “I am passionately committed to attract perceive controversy within ac- for Richard what is on the table is the link between hereditary access,” she expounded as the train ademic circles as enough to take out to the country and breast cancers and sporadic, veered through the Hertfordshire make sure that those who deserve a non-inherited forms. The gene countryside “and these new bur- place at Cambridge apply for one. has been named EMSY and the saries will allow us maintain “One of the remarkable features of project was undertaken at the and widen the range of people this system is that, because there are Wellcome Trust/ Cancer that come to Cambridge. We want the no upfront fees. with this new bur- Research UK Institute, best, regardless of background.” Cambridge. sary system poorer student will ac- University of Cambridge. No one would disagree with that. At present the tually be better off than before.” And in all honesty the new bursary payouts will start in 2006; the letter appeared And on paper no one can argue system – offering £4,000 a year to the “We will move to implement to be stating the line of the with that statement. The figures speak Online degrees poorest students - will be the best in them as soon as fees are intro- University policy whereas in fact for themselves. The harsh realities of the country and is likely to spark a duced. They are based around the the last statement passed by persuading those students that that Cambridge could soon be offer- number of similar announcement proposals in the White Paper, how- University Council on top up fees ex- is really the case is another matter al- ing degrees online in a partner- from Britain’s elite universities. ever if the legalisation does not pass pressed concerns regarding their im- together. ship with UK eUniversities Worldwide, the UK government- backed company set up to pro- vide online degrees from UK universities. On offer from May Mystery college sells wine stocks 2004 is an English language course which gives students Rachel Mundy he would “be very surprised” if an Wine Society, the best wines are served cellars, with their port range easily dat- higher intermediate language auction such as this would go any way at benefactor’s dinners and occasions. ing back over a hundred years. skills and also professionally and Over 180 crates of Claret were re- to surmounting the kind of deficit Charles Ashton, a partner in Rumours abound that Trinity and culturally relevant knowledge. moved from the cellars of an un- King’s is facing. The whole auction Cheffins, said: “We hold scheduled King’s wine cellars extend under large known Cambridge college this will have only raised around £40,000. wine sales once or twice a year, col- parts of central Cambridge. However, Downshifting up week, to be sold at auction for a The valuing of the wines suggests leges regularly take the opportunity both colleges deny this; in fact, King’s fraction of its actual price. that they were being kept to drink, to clear some of their stock”. Of course, cellars are confined to the area beneath The wine went under the hammer probably by the Fellows. Most crates not every College can consider its cel- the Wilkins Building. They are were A Cambridge University study at Cheffins showroom on Clifton Rd. were dated between 1995-8. It is very lars worth clearing for this kind of not even built until the early 19th has shown that over 20% of However, this sale was shrouded in unusual for Colleges to keep wine as drastic gain. New Hall cellars house Century. However, some College cel- Britons aged 30-59 have volun- secrecy. Cheffins was barred from re- an asset for the purpose of auctioning. only 500 bottles in total, and Churchill lars have a history. Corpus Christi cel- tarily made long-term lifestyle vealing of the College’s identity. According to David Heyman, and Robinson not much more. lars allegedly housed the command change that resulted in earning However, sources in the crowd at President of Cambridge University Unsurprisingly, Trinity has the richest centre for East Anglia in World War II. less money. The study conducted the event however suggested that the by visiting scholar Clive contributor was King’s College. The Hamilton showed the average College butler was guarded when income drop was 40% and that questioned over details of the wine Alex Mair women were more likely to store at his college, but the sale would downshift than men. tie in with rumours of mounting fi- nancial deficits at King’s. ‘Stop violence week’ This decision to auction its wine may reveal a new approach being tak- This week is ‘stop domestic vio- en by the College. Each crate of wine lence’ week and Wednesday saw was being sold for around £180, with a huge balloon release in bidding starting at £100. The auc- Cambridge. In total 1610 bal- tioneer calling lots at the event com- loons were released: 1410 red mented to the crowded show room balloons to represent every what “bargains” his customers were reported incident of domestic getting, suggesting there had been violence reported in the last hopes for greater profit. Indeed, three years in Cambridge, and Commodore Harris, domestic Bursar 200 for unkown incidents. at St John’s College, commented that this amount was “nothing” and that EDITOR:ARCHIE BLAND COMMENT AND ANALYSIS www.varsity.co.uk Nov 28, 2003 05 Pity QEII: it’s not her fault her speech was a fudge Archie Bland

One thing no one can deny about the Queen: that the only way of ensuring this is in freedom she’s a canny old bird. And she’s been around for individual institutions to set fees at a level the block a few times, as it were (no offence they choose. meant, Ma’am, but you know what I mean): If at present the problem of encouraging ap- next year will be her fiftieth state opening plications to places like Cambridge is one of per- of parliament. It would be fair to say, then, ception, such a course will make it a reality, that over the years she’s probably – through and therefore far harder to tackle. Bursaries or no fault of her own - come out with a con- no bursaries, if differential fees are instituted, siderable amount of terrible crap. Very lit- and, as would be inevitable, the more prestigious tle of it, though, can have approached the academic institutions charge more, no one will absurdity of this government’s fudged an- be able to deny that a Cambridge education will nouncement of its plans on fees. If she has cost more than the APU equivalent. The princi- any sense, she will be mighty embarrassed. ple that education is important in and of itself, One could have been forgiven for thinking and not just as a means to a careerist end, will that Labour planned to take not a penny from die a final, permanent death. students. So circumlocutory were the terms in It seems now inevitable that funding will be which the controversial top-up scheme was laid found from some form of fee if this government out that it honestly sounded as if Blair and co. wins the next election, as it is extremely likely it had made an extraordinary U-turn. will, and the mainstream of the debate ought to Approximately, the plans were explained - or ob- recognise this fact and adapt their arguments ac- fuscated - thus (see if you can spot the reference cordingly. There are two principle groups that reject this. The first are those sentimental nos- Alison Richard’s talgists longing for the good old days of free high- commitment to a er education. They point out that they didn’t have to pay when they were at university; but they for- bursary system is get that there were a hell of a lot fewer students encouraging then, and even if you think the government’s 50% target is insanely arbitrary, you can’t just remove to differential fees, because if you blink you’ll all those new students at a stroke. The second set miss it): A bill would be introduced to enable comprises the class warriors who possess what more young people to benefit from higher edu- seems like a wilful incomprehension of the in- cation. Upfront fees of any kind would be abol- evitable economic consequences of paying for ished. An office ensuring fair access would be this through tax – not to say a blindness to the instituted. Universities would be placed on a moral question of whether it isn’t actually fair sound financial footing. And - enough to pay for some of the price of your ed- No, sorry, that’s it. Hardly a beacon of clari- ucation if its beneficiary is principally, er, you. ty, is it? The only brief - and almost unnoticeable - reference to top-up comes in that promise to She’s probably come shore up university finances. This is classic dis- honesty by evasion. It’s the surest sign yet that out with a the government is worried. considerable amount Cambridge’s Vice-Chancellor Alison Richard of terrible crap was one of a number of high-profile signato- ries to a letter warning the government that it I don’t want to believe most students unions must stick to its guns. And her and her col- fall into either of these categories – but if the likes leagues’ names wield a good deal of influence, of CUSU want to avoid being labelled typical commanding as they do the official voice of the simplistic students, it is time they proved they five most significant academic institutions in the are not merely a special interest group with no UK. So when they speak they should be listened understanding of the wider issues. If they wish to. And their case is a convincing one: they point to be taken seriously, it is now time for those who out that university funding per student has believe that differential fees would be a danger- halved since 1978, and that if the ever-increas- ous mistake to shift the terms of debate, and push ing numbers of students are to be provided for, for the same fee, at whatever level, to be set across the money must come from somewhere. the entire higher education sector. If this meas- They also say that in order to ensure access ure is combined with a generous bursary system for all if fees are instituted, they need the free- – and Alison Richard’s commitment to this is en- dom to set fees at the levels they choose. If couraging – there is a real hope that the dream not, they will be unable to give bursaries and of a universally accessible system of higher ed- scholarships sufficiently generous to help the ucation with the resources to compete with the less fortunate. best in the world can be realised. If the debate It’s in this latter section that they miss the fails to move beyond its current simplistic bat- point. They are certainly right that funding must tleground, the likely outcome is either disas- somehow increase, and that access for – in their trous underfunding or disastrous social strati- words - any students capable of benefiting from fication. Anyone who cares about education, a university education must not suffer as a re- or this country, must do everything in their sult; they are certainly wrong in their assertion power to avoid such a result. [email protected] NEWS EDITOR: JONATHAN WOOD, LAURA-JANE FOLEY, BENJAMIN BLAND 06 Nov 28, 2003 www.varsity.co.uk The Big Fat Gardies Debate a change to its previous decision, was supported by one speaker- Brian Little College JCRs have now resolved to from the floor who commented, The campaign to save Gardies back the Varsity campaign to save “Without Gardies the centre of was taken to the hallowed Gardies, after four votes at CUSU Cambridge will die. All it will be is Pavla Kopecna chamber of the Cambridge Council were changed the motion antique shops and jewellers”. Union this week with eventually passed. Brinded joined CUSU President Ben Brinded Thursday’s main debate being Varsity and Vas in support of sav- challenged Caius to reconsider given over to the arguments ing Gardies. their decision. “Why can’t you just over the closure of the much Varsity Editor Tom Ebbutt began add the two rooms which you will loved Cambridge institution. the debate with an explanation of gain from closing Gardies to the The event was attended by why Gardies should stay and read £8million development you are many of the main players in the from the letter of a Magdalene planning to build [on West Road]?” controversy. For the proposition alumnus from the 1950s who had he asked. Vas Anastasiou came to speak on written in expressing his fond Those in the chamber agreed why he believes his shop should memories of Gardies. with his sentiments, shied away stay. Varsity Editor Tom Ebbutt TCS columnist Mather was from the jokes of Tim Stanley, talked about the case for keeping scathing in his response: “I cannot which left a slightly bad taste in the Gardies and many spoke up in believe we are debating this mo- mouth, and voted for the motion favour from the floor. For the op- tion. This campaign portrays us as by a ratio of more than 5 to 2. position TCS columnist Johnny drunken louts; how does this make President of the Cambridge Mather, Tim Stanley and Marc us look to those who are applying Union Will Gallagher said that it is Lixenburg stood up for the rights to Cambridge?”. Vas slapped him debates like this that place the of the College. The Caius Bursar, down “The puke you are talking Union at the heart of Cambridge Barry Hedley, was conspicuous by about is that of your own people”. life. “With the main players in the his absence. The Gardies owner expounded debate in the chamber tonight the The event was also attended by his argument further; “You, the stu- students of Cambridge heard the CUSU President Ben Brinded who dents of Cambridge, are the future arguments for themselves. Then spoke for the motion after a U-turn leader of the world and it is im- they showed Caius exactly how over the CUSU Gardies motion. In portant that you are happy”. He they feel.” The faculty of hapinesss Master fates pital respectively. Baylis himself is the Program’. This found that over a 5- fies to the continuing stature of the Rachel Mundy Amol Rajan only ‘positive psychology’ lecturer year period, teenagers presented with Trinity mastership. The ‘science’behind happiness pro- in England and believes that the just twelve 2-hour sessions on how to Masters come and Masters go, The new Downing master Everitt vided the springboard for discus- unique SPS department here at be more optimistic halved their rate of but the turnover within has proved hugely popular among sions at a conference organised by Cambridge has been very forward- depression. He believes it is not help- Cambridge colleges seems to students and staff alike and as a lead- Cambridge academics and held at looking in taking on a lecturer for such ful to label emotions as ‘positive’ or have been unusually high in re- ing member of the Medical Research the prestigious Royal Society. a controversial area of study. ‘negative’, preferring the terms ‘con- cent months. Downing, St Johns, Council, his intellectual calibre is well However, critics labelled the Unsurprisingly, the $30 million structive’ or ‘destructive’. He is at Pembroke, Trinity, King’s, and established. Like Rees and new ‘Science of Well-being’ as “new- funding for a series of studies carried pains to emphasise the movement is Trinity Hall have all either got John’s Master Perham he was previ- age nonsense”. out in America, that provided mate- not simply about happiness, rather all new Master’s in office or lined ously based at the College in which The movement, founded in 1998 by rial for the conference has come ex- round well-being. one up for the near future. he was appointed. Martin Seligman from University of clusively from American sources. A The essence of the findings is the Similarly, last year Sir Richard Meanwhile, Dearlove’s high-pro- Pennsylvania, seems to be increasingly third of this was invested by the need to identify ‘signature strengths’ Wilson, former head of the Civil file appointment has been met with popular amongst professional psy- American government. Quite pre- defined as “any strength from which Service, was appointed as the new great interest largely because of his for- chologists and psychiatrists. The Royal dictably, such resources are not avail- we gain physical or psychological sat- Master of Emmanuel College. mer post within the secret services. Society conference marked the first able in the UK and Europe. isfaction”. Baylis offers the example of The reasons for departure are Few of the new appointments time the field has been discussed in a Baylis, who claims to have “never playing football on a Sunday, which many and varied. Amartya Sen, leav- have met with great scepticism, and major conference in Britain. met a normal person,” argues that appears to allow quite a broad spec- ing Trinity in the new year, has se- few of the leaving Masters have The Cambridge team behind the “happiness is a skill and can be learnt trum for the application of the ‘sig- cured a lucrative deal at Harvard, and been accused of jumping ship. conference included Nick Baylis, Dr or taught”. Apparently, it is relative- nature strengths’ principle in every- is to be replaced by the Astronomer However, Dame Judith was a con- Keberne and Dr Huppert, from the de- ly simple to teach optimism even to day life. Indeed, it may even stretch to Royal, Professor Martin Rees. troversial appointment given her partments of SPS, Animal Behaviour hardened sceptics. He cites a previous providing a scientific justification of a Meanwhile, the retirements of high-flying executive past in con- and Psychiatry at Addenbrookes hos- study termed the ‘Pen Optimism frequent pint down the pub. many of the Masters have coincid- trast to the general left-wing slant of ed. Dr Stephen Fleet, Professor Peter King’s students. Goddard, Sir Roger Tomkys and Undoubtedly, new Masters Professor Patrick Bateman recently re- bring with them fresh ideas, expe- tired from Downing, St.John’s, riences, and approaches and these Pembroke, and King’s respectively. are generally consistent with the Their replacements are, in turn gradual process of modernisation Professor Barry Everitt, Professor and development. Richard Perham, Sir Richard Dearlove But there is mounting concern that (former head of MI6), and Dame swiftness of departure undermines Judith Mayhew. Meanwhile Professor the efficacy with which Masters are Peter Clarke is set to leave Trinity Hall carrying out their jobs, leading to in September 2004. His successor has the abrupt conclusion of strategies for yet to be announced. improvement that were formulated Whether or not the influx of new at the start of a reign. Masters is symptomatic of a wider Some have suggested that a solu- brain drain in Cambridge is debatable. tion could be to have a minimum pe- Sen, Nobel Prize Winner for riod in office, such as 5 years. It would Economics in 1998, is among the most slow down the current influx of new famous academics in the world. Masters, but may do so without in- However, the widespread praise for hibiting the arrival of exciting new his replacement Sir Martin Ress and ideas. Either way, the Masters are

Alex Mair his endorsement by the Queen, testi- turning, and the debate is stirring.

EDITOR:AMOL RAJAN FEATURES www.varsity.co.uk Nov 28, 2003 09 The AIDS virus is out of control Jonathan Stephenson on the need for urgent action

“Aids is the defining issue of them that 2002 saw the highest been hidden in a shocking tangle fight Aids, the UK must increase our generation, and we will be number of new HIV diagnoses in of excuses and lies. This situation its contribution by at least an extra AIDS: defined by our response to it”. the UK ever recorded. And tell has been called “mass murder by £284m in 2004-5. Dr Peter Piot, ex- So said Sean Barry, policy co- them that in another ten years, an complacency” by the UN ecutive director of UNAIDS says, THE TRUTH ordinator of the Student Global estimated 40 million children Secretary-General’s Special Envoy “There’s not a lack of ideas, of Aids campaign, a US-based net- worldwide will lose their parents for HIV/Aids in Africa, Stephen strategies of what to do, but there’s • 42 million people around work of student and youth or- to AIDS. Lewis. He is hugely critical of the a lack of cash.” You can sign the the world are now infected ganisations, at a ‘Unite to Fight Recognise the scale of the prob- “profound moral void in the re- letter, and find out more about the with AIDS Aids’ talk in Selwyn last month. lem. Contracting HIV, as with oth- fusal of our leadership to respond campaign, from 2pm on Monday Which is to say, we’ve got to do er sexually transmitted infections, to the HIV/Aids apocalypse, giv- 1st December on King’s Parade. • 22 million of those are something about this. Us, people is a real risk for students in en our overwhelming wealth.” As Sentamu Sparks, a 24-year- under 25 our age, now. But, with World Aids Cambridge. But Aids is a world- Tell the government to get its old Ugandan IT student who Day coming up on Monday 1st wide human rights catastrophe, as ACT together. A new Student Stop works for The Aids Support • 30 million live in sub- Saharan Africa December, what can we do about well as a sexual health issue. Here Aids Campaign is being launched Organisation (TASO) in Uganda, it? Well, here are some ideas. in the UK, treatment with drugs at schools and universities around said at the ‘Unite to Fight Aids’ • Of the 30m, only 50,000 Wear an AIDS ribbon. If it’s the that dramatically relieve suffering the country on World Aids Day, in- event, “Young people are the are receiving treatment only thing you do for World Aids and can extend an infected per- cluding in Cambridge. Students group most affected by HIV and Day, wear the Red Ribbon on 1st son’s life by up to twenty years is will be asked to sign giant letters Aids. Almost 60% of infections last • 8,000 people die every day December. It’s the international considered a human right. Yet in to Hilary Benn, the new Secretary year were amongst 16-24 year olds. from HIV symbol of HIV and Aids aware- the developing world, where 95% of State for International But we are also the group with the ness. By wearing it, you’re show- of those affected by the disease Development, calling on the gov- best chance of turning this epi- • 14,000 people are infected ing your support for over 42 mil- live, the high cost of the medicines, ernment to take Action for Care demic around. By raising aware- with HIV every day lion people across the world who and the lack of funds to buy them and Treatment (ACT) now. The let- ness, lobbying governments and are living with a disease for which or create strong health systems to ters will ask Benn personally to educating each other, I truly be- • In Botswana, HIV/AIDS has brought life expectancy there’s still no cure. deliver them, makes similar treat- commit to a Global Aids Plan ap- lieve young people have the pow- down from 70 to 41yrs And if people ask questions, ment impossible. propriate to the scale of the crisis, er to tackle HIV and Aids.” that’s a good thing. Tell them why We know how to fight the including the necessary funding. For more information about the • The UK has pledged you’re supporting people living worldwide Aids pandemic, but It is calculated that to pay our campaign, contact: £280m by 2008 for the UN with HIV on World Aids Day. Tell until now the way forward has fair share to the Global Fund to [email protected]. Watch out: MoJoW’s about Jewish and Muslim women get on just fine thanks, says Nabila Siddiq

There’s a new crew coming your el because, according to Feldmann, way, and they mean business. religion provides for a common start- orrall The MojoW is in town. Peace ing point of discussion. and love are all the rage this sea- Religion? A common starting son, but not courtesy of an point? That does sound odd. Surely Malika W Austin Powers sequel or tree relationships between religious hugging hippies. This season’s groups are characterized by an em- peaceniks are none other than phasis on difference and a distinct Jews and Muslims. sense of ‘the other.’ Malcolm X once You may exclaim “Oh Behave!” remarked that if you believe in the at the thought of anything less than oneness of God, you truly believe acrimonious disputes arising from in the oneness of man. But relation- Jewish and Muslim encounters, but ships between followers of Islam the new Cambridge Muslim- Jewish and Judaism, who do indeed be- Women’s Dialogue Group (MoJoW) lieve in one God, are commonly proves otherwise. characterized my mutual mistrust MoJoW is a unique group aiming and animosity. to develop understanding between Yet looking into Islam and Muslim and Jewish women through Judaism, one finds that they are not dialogue. It is the first initiative of its so different as they initially appear. kind in Cambridge and was set up When the British government by Miriam Feldmann of Caius, after threatened a ban on religious a visit to Israel and the Palestinian slaughtering this summer, Muslims Territories over the summer. What’s and Jews rallied together to defend so special about MoJoW is that it halal and kosher (respectively) comes at a time when the Israel methods of slaughter. In fact it is Palestine debate has reached yet an- ironic that the only other faith other stalemate and the ‘road map’ whose meat Muslims can eat, is that Commission Report on Palestine of ebrate similarities as well as dis- and the group hopes to continue to peace, much flaunted by the US of Jews. Other similarities include July 1937, which states that “the era cussing challenges. Sophia Mahroo meeting at least three times a year. and UK before the Iraq war, has the covering of hair by Muslim of persecution which was to trans- from New Hall, who co-organised At a time where the Israeli- floundered in its half-hearted at- women and orthodox Jewish form conditions of Jewish life in the the first meeting, emphasized the Palestinian conflict shows no sign tempts to move towards viable res- women and the regularity of daily Diaspora, began not in the Muslim group’s role in building friendships of resolution, it is important to ap- olution of the conflict. prayers in both faiths. Perhaps the world but the Christian.” and how such a venture was en- plaud and encourage the resolve of But MoJow has made religion - most surprising fact is the relative- Building upon such a history, couraged in Islam, a theologically the Jewish and Muslim women in and not politics - its focus in an at- ly peaceful co-existence between the MoJoW is an opportunity for tolerant faith. Cambridge who are determined to tempt to approach the problem at two faiths before the 20th century, Muslim and Jewish women in MoJoW’s initial meeting was talk - and continue talking - in grass roots rather than political lev- something noted by the Royal Cambridge to meet together to cel- deemed a success by all present, their efforts to seek peace.

EDITORIAL EDITOR:TOM EBBUTT 10 Nov 28, 2003 www.varsity.co.uk

Access is the key Only someone who has been on a different planet for the past year will be surprised at the contents of the government’s Higher Education bill announced on Wednesday. Most will have been shocked by the message seen on the front page of The Times if they saw it on Monday.“Colleges demand no retreat on fees”shouted the headline and inside the Vice Chancellor of this university along with those of four others strongly backed the Government’s top- up proposals.

For the University that last year voiced concerns about the access implications of top-up fees this is a big step. Yes, as has since been hastily pointed out, it is actually the personal view of the V-C but the fact that Cambridge’s number one has come out with such a strong statement in such a high profile way will undoubtedly influence the debate. Whether the University’s academics appreciate her action remains to be seen. The University’s Parliament, Regent House, will have the final say over the implementation of fees and she will need to carry it with her if she wants to use the Government’s proposals to increase funding to Cambridge.

The Bursary scheme announced on Thursday, which was revealed by Varsity in last weeks issue, is a great step forward for giving financial help to the students who need it most. It will certainly be a very strong tool for access officers as they go out into schools to persuade sixth for- mers that Cambridge is the place for them. However perceptions of Oxbridge, even of higher education in general, as a place which is for someone else remain strong.

The Vice Chancellor should get out into schools in rural areas and inner cities and see for herself the size of the challenge if she really wants “the best, regardless of background”. If she does then she will see the Editor massive change in perception that is needed, something that is possible Tom Ebbutt but not something that will not, even vaguely, be easy to achieve. The week [email protected] Online Editor What are they doing? Tim Moreton [email protected] You can almost imagine the meeting that took place to decide it. Long in words Chief News Editor lazy Wednesday afternoon. Couple of bottles of port on the table. Deer “The Vice-Chancellor of Cambridge does not have authority to make Reggie Vettasseri park spreading out outside the window. Item four on the agenda: policy for the university.” [email protected] ‘Student Safety’.“Hmmm, one is very concerned about student Professor Gillian Evans on Alison Richard’s pro top-up fee stance. Business Manager safety”.“Hmmm, one wonders what one can do about it”.“Hrrph, I Sam Gallagher know lets get rid of all kettles from student rooms, that will certain- “The most important thing in life is to be politically incorrect” [email protected] ly make the College a safer place”. Chief Rabbi Dr Jonathan Sacks talking this week at King’s College Technical Director Tim Harris What are they doing? Just where did the rationale for this come from? No “Cindies in black tie” Photos Editor seriously Peterhouse – whatever possessed you to dream up the idea of con- The opinion of several revellers at the “Fresh as snow” Ball on Pavla Kopecna fiscating student belongings in case bedders “trip over the leads” or scald- Monday night. [email protected] ing water was left on “surfaces and carpets”. Your undergraduates are not Production Managers members of a boarding school, they are adults; legally allowed to vote, fight “I feel sorry for the freshers who now think this is what a Cambridge Matthew Jaffe in the army and be sent to prison. Why can they not be trusted to look after ball is about” Jun Jhen Lew a kettle? We, like them, are in all honesty just lost for words; it really beggars Student Anthony Huszar who felt let down by ‘Fresh as Snow’ [email protected] belief that in the twenty first century a College can still treat its students like Design Manager a bunch of children. Oh, hold on a minute, that’ll be it, did anyone tell “More women die from violence caused by men than die from can- Tom Walters Peterhouse that we’d moved out of the 1800s? Right, better break it to cer, road accidents and wars” [email protected] them gently... Gaynor Mears launching a campaign against violence by releasing Page Setters 1610 balloons; for each domestic violence incident reported in the last Thanks to the whole team three years in the Cambridge area. Dons live longer Chief Subeditors Rebecca Willis Finally a reason to be academic. Low pay, little recognition and poor “The Sex club believes that after the bar closes at 11.30pm the only Sarah Horner promotion prospects dog the profession. As Alison Richard put it at recreational area is the Upper Sex” [email protected] the start of term “No one enters academia to get rich but neither do The Peterhouse Sex Club (i.e. a JCR) Editorial Cartoonist they do it to take a vow of poverty”. However, in the light a research Andrew James revealed this week there is at least one reason why you might wish to “He’s been in office longer than Attlee and what has he got to do it apart from if you have a fetish for the UL: You are likely to live show for it... in the words of (magician) Paul Daniels, ‘not a lot’” If you would like to contribute to Varsity longer than those of us who are mere mortals stuck in the daily rat Michael Howard on Tony Blair’s leadership after the Queen’s please e-mail the relevant section editor . race. Speech outlined Labour’s plan for the coming year.

Though you may be working from a leaking lecture hall, facing students “A Bill will be introduced to enable more young people to benefit 11-12 Trumpington Street, Cambridge, CB2 1QA on rent strike or a set of college accounts littered with red ink, according from higher education” to the research done by the University’s Department of Zoology you The Queen introducing Top-Up Fees in her speech to Parliament. will, on average, live four years longer than the rest of us. Varsity is published by Varsity Publications Ltd and printed by Cambridge Evening Whether with the stresses on College wine budgets and university “Erm....” News. All copyright is the exclusive prop- pensions becoming ever more apparent this continues into the next Prince Philip on being presented a copy of TCS yesterday erty of Varsity Publications Ltd. No part generation remains to be seen. But for now, expect to see octogenari- of this publication may be reproduced, an professors wobbling round Cambridge on bicycles for at least a “The leaders of tomorrow need to be happy” stored in a retrieval system or transmitted few years longer. Vas Anastasiou on why Gardies should stay open in any form or by any means, without the prior permission of the publisher. EDITOR:TOM EBBUTT EDITORIAL www.varsity.co.uk Nov 28, 2003 11

Tom From Democracy to Mediocracy: Lane The worthlessness of opinion

Last week The Guardian ran a se- quist dummy child of some staff people who would be happy with a fossilised, unthinking, knee-jerk seemed to launch a covert war against ries of letters by ‘commentators’ writer. I’m not going to pick on the tee- hunting if you were to replace foxes product of ignorance or mental con- him. The ‘news flashes’ at the bot- and readers, all addressed to ny tot, though. After all, he’s only with paedophiles, who believe in ditioning. The Shakespearean over- tom of the screen stopped just short of George Bush, and timed to coin- twelve and also happens to write a hell hanging and flogging, who think that tones of the word ‘opinion’ carry the screaming ‘Blunkett molests babies!’ cide with his State Visit. One read of a lot better than at least one similarly Diana was killed by a Royal conspir- sense of ‘mass error and capricious- while the questions to which view- ‘Dear George, I would just like to minded TCS columnist. acy, and who took Where is the Love? to ness’, which casts an interesting light ers were invited to respond all re- say how much I hate you…You are That this (literally) puerile dross number one for weeks on end. on the way most papers now refer to volved around the underlying sug- the reason for the poverty in the even gets printed, however, points to There comes a point where moral their letters page as the ‘opinion page’. gestion ‘you think that Blunkett’s a Middle East.You have no idea what a sea-change in the media: the mas- relativism must end, and the most ob- The editors might just as well come dickhead, don’t you?’ One suspects you are doing…All you do is bomb sive increase in the importance laid vious place to draw the line is when clean and call it the ‘prejudice page’. that this covert assault might stem other countries and give Israel lots upon public opinion, and the expan- you confront non-religious belief in The other Jacobean shading of from an intimation on Murdoch’s part of money’. Initially I assumed this sion in methods for expressing and something entirely stupid and with- ‘opinion’ is the notion of mass-ma- that Blunkett is less in his sway than was a misplaced editorial, before manipulating this. out hard evidence. If you believe, for nipulation, and this is something just Brown – clearly his favoured candi- noticing it was penned by a certain Democracy has transformed into instance, that Diana predicted her own as crucial to us as to the characters of date for the succession. ‘Mickey, aged 12’. Mediocracy. The ambivalence of the death, that the Iraq war is a Jewish con- Coriolanus. The major example of this Personally, I would fight fire with At that age, I would have risen to a word is intentional, intimating both spiracy, that George Bush is really a is the Murdoch press, especially The fire, by creating a weekly television similar pitch of outrage only if some- the rule of the media, and the tyranny communist, or any other such luna- Times and Sky News, with their fre- programme with the intention of one had committed the atrocity of sug- of the mediocre. One of the few things cy prompted more by fear and malice quent invitations to ‘join the debate’, telling people what to think. It would gesting that Super Mario Brothers was that ever makes me wish I lived in an than evidence, then I have an ‘opin- or ‘have your say’ on some carefully be a Late Review format, with Martin better than Sonic the Hedgehog. Frankly, authoritarian state is when telecasters ion’ of my own: you are a twat and de- phrased question. Last year, during Amis, J.G Ballard, Bonnie Greer and I suspect most kids are still the same, go out onto the street ‘to see what the serve the most painful of deaths. the period when David Blunkett be- David Aaronovitch as its regulars. But, and that little Mickey’s lack of a print- public thinks’. Who cares what the The problem with ‘opinion’ is that came a short-lived contender in the then, of course, I am well aware of the ed surname means he’s the ventrilo- public thinks? Most of them are the very often it’s nothing of the sort – it’s stakes to succeed Blair, Sky News irony that this is all just my opinion…

Letters should be submitted no later than midnight on Wednesday, and be as concise as possible. The editors Bring me a Foster’s Letters reserve the right to edit all copy. [email protected] of burning gold

What to do about CUSU Council Dear Editor, opinion and mandate of their college and express the Iain The recent Gardies Motion has increased interest views of their student body rather than their own. The and criticism of CUSU Council. best solution to the supposed ‘identity crisis’ of CUSU Hollingshead Anyone can come to Council, anyone can propose Council is for people to get keen, come along to a motion, and anyone can speak. It’s designed to rep- Council and say what they think. MA Cantab pending - life after Cambridge resent all interest groups, and ALL students. However the only way that CUSU Council will be representa- Shea Luke and Ed Shattock I’m a firm believer in the prin- you little beauty. Try that, Sydney tive is by JCR and MCR Presidents and External CUSU College Liaison Officer and CUSU ciple that seven thirty should fea- Morning Herald, you bunch of bor- Officers, taking a proactive role. They should seek the Communications Officer ture only once per day – espe- ing, unfit old men. cially on a Saturday – but here we Whistle, and it’s heads down are, up at stupid o’clock and and drive to the bar for some half- One more step Newnham sucks mumbling negro spirituals into time “oranges”. Back on the pitch, our breakfast Guinness. Come, and we’re giving away penalties Dear Editor, Dear Editor sweet chariots, and carry me like shrimps at a barbie. One The mental image of Tim Stanley being ‘pleasant- What’s it really like in Newnham? Well to be honest, in home to bed. minute to go and the referee gives ly’ off his face is probably enough to put me off drugs a male dominated place such as Cambridge, it makes you Still, it’s not every weekend that them a penalty for being worse for life. Perhaps the 12 steps detox programme ad- feel stigmatised. The only reason the all female colleges are you get the chance to be in the pub than us. Must look that one up. Is vocated by Narcotics anonymous could become the still here are not for our benefit, but for men; to justify their before the sparrows have passed he a convict too? We know where 13 step programme with a picture of Tim Stanley be- large intake in other colleges. their first wind, and can watch fif- your kangaroo is. ing the final and last push to becoming clean. Also, Women’s officers talk about the importance of ‘single teen muscle bound oafs engaged But sod a wallaby, it’s over, and does his apparent obsession with various degrees of sex education’. But the point is, it’s not single sex educa- in patriotic GBH. Raised jars, raised we’re into extra time. No golden sexuality reflect an insecurity of his own? Just a tion, our lectures and supervisions are mixed – it’s single spirits. Now we’re talking. Now goal, but we’ve got a golden left foot. thought. sex social life. If we’re so equal to men, why should we be we’re singing. Bring me a Foster’s Golden right foot, too. Wazaaa, Regards, shut away? of burning gold. I ask the big chap we’ve beaten you at home and away. Ano A Newnhamite next to me which aspects of modern- Arise Sir Clive, Earl of Twickenham. day Jerusalem we could incorporate You are our favourite provincial so- A former president writes... into England’s green and pleasant licitor. Hic. Arise Sir Jonny, Lord of land without putting the army on the Sun newspaper. If I had a sis- Dear Editor, tion despite the no-confidence vote. It was his pre- permanent alert. He tells me to shut ter, I would sell her to you. I was outraged by your coverage of Alan Mak and mature resignation that disqualified him from the bal- up. I finish my second pint. They think it’s all over, but it’s not his claim to be a victim of class and racial prejudice lot. Alan could have chosen not to resign and taken But now they’re on the pitch. At yet. Waltz on home, Matilda. We’re at the Union. his case to the electorate, which also has a vote dur- Martin’s command, unleash hell. going for a proper boogie. Aussie I am a former Cambridge Union president ing impeachment proceedings. Lots of lycra; lots of noise. The con- bar – wise choice – but they’re even and an ethnic minority overseas student from Race, class and nationality are no barriers to at- vict goes over in the corner. Bastard. better at losing than they are at win- Singapore. Throughout my Union political career, the taining high office at the Union. But there is no place Another pint to steady the nerves. ning. So this is how it feels. Come on colour of my skin was never an issue. Neither was my for corruption, regardless of your background, and re- Ben Kay, you fucking donkey, Neil Eileen, come on Ing-er-land. It’s overseas accent. gardless of whether you have "presided over a suc- Back’s daughter could have scored lunchtime, but we’ve just beaten Working-class presidents are not alien to the cessful term of ents". from there. Eat pizza, you (19 stone) seven other countries at a game we Union. Examples in recent years include Debbie Yours sincerely, swine. Go Jonny go, hands out, chan- invented, so let’s dance the day Newman (Fitzwilliam) and Joe Devanny (Jesus), the nel, channel, arse in the air, squeeze away until we’re back among spit- latter a committed man of the Left. Wu-Meng Tan it out, laxatives on the shopping list roasting footballers, curling cham- Alan Mak still could have contested the elec- Union President, Easter 2001 and over the posts it goes. Robinson, pions and Tim Henman. TRAVEL EDITOR:ANDREW R. MACDOWALL 12 Nov 28, 2003 www.varsity.co.uk Daytripping Misty Mountain Hop Brixton How rural Peru took to Zoe Organ and imported Stilton Clean, unbeaded, and conspicu- ous, we stalked intrepidly along gan the river to our new home. All the attributes of the public Zoe Or ew MacDowall school pilgrim dangled noisily

Andr from our sacks: red London bus- es full of fudge, pots of marmite and my wonderful Stilton, ready As an archetypal Londoner I to present warmly to my Indian must confess to being surprised family on arrival. The green that the dividing line between mountains looked slightly furry, North and South for the major- but that would not interfere with ity of the Cambridge under- the great sublimity…. graduate population is not ac- “It’s just like Lord of the Rings!” tually the river Thames. squealed a fellow English teacher. Although for anyone who real- I tried to let the majesty of the mists ly lives Up North (anything out- repair themselves over this atmos- side the M25) all Londoners may pheric wound; “part of the charac- be equal I would like to highlight ter-building experience of a gap the gaping chasm between Norf year is to learn to cooperate with and Saaf London and argue that the other volunteers,” said an ab- if you are going on a day trip, south stract authority in my head. “Like of the river is the place to be. Lord of the Flies,” I chuckled sadis- Leaving aside all the obvious tically to myself….Teamwork! My highlights of the South Bank such feet trudged a little more heavily. as the Eye, Tate Modern or And yet every time I looked up I Borough market, it is ridiculously saw dragons peeping from the mist easy to escape from the madding and big pink Chessington-like croc- crowds in Norf London and head odiles springing from the red rock somewhere with genuine spark. under the little rope bridges and The Tube (contrary to popular Norf through the rapids of the canyons. London myth) does actually ex- I would live as far away from this tend south of the river, so hop on girl as possible: survival was para- and head for Brixton. mount. Dramatic clichés swamped Brixton has changed a lot since my head. the 1980s; from being the front line I arrived at my home. I can still re- between police and protesters member her grin as she battled with Coldharbour lane is now lined ferocious maternity through the lay- with bars, restaurants, shops and ers of washing. Brandishing a carv- clubs, with beemers not burnt out ing knife and a mouth of sharp grin- wrecks blocking the traffic. But ning teeth- my mother, the carnivore. SW9 has to some extent escaped Blood dripped down her apron and yuppification. Rather than being brushed against the washing. She filled with the ubiquitous All Bar threw her heard back and cackled. One, Café Rouge, Topshop estab- I was delighted. My Márquez-like lishments, Brixton has evolved into dream was taking shape… a unique place to hang out. Take St Upon her fingers nodded the Matthew’s, the local church which heads of baby guinea pigs, “Yo so- houses the insanely popular Bug lamente como las cabezas” she gig- restaurant and Bug Bar in the crypt gled. “She only ate the heads”, the while Mass, the nightclub, pulsates most nutritious part. I decided this The Sacred Valley of Peru - a wonderful sweeping sight away above. must be a great act she put on for the great gullet of judgement. smoothed as it was gradually tub, (I let her plait my hair instead). Want to dance? Brixton has each new volunteer; such naïve It was out! Expelled with a turned into a sort of gourmet play- And they watch. It is like being some of the best music in London; cynicism! Various parts of guinea shriek like a bat from hell, that dough while the multifarious sorts gripped under a microscope in the the Fridge is one of the long es- pig were to be a feature of every great rumbling inferno of the poor of potatoes, termed “la papa” after iron clasp of food and lodging. tablished venues and hosts hard Peruvian day, whole and live ones beasts condemned to my mother’s “the father”, were shockingly al- Friends would congregate in a cir- dance parties, with the occasional turned up planted in my under- stomach. The room was alight with lowed to preside. Revolutions al- cle in the living room and instruct gay night thrown in for variety. My wear drawer, claws dropped from laughter and loudness. It was de- ways begin with food. me to “Baile, gringa!” “Dance, west- heart, however, belongs to the the roof as I left the house to be de- erner!” or “Sing, gringa!” And if I small, dark, sweaty venue that is tangled from my hair by obliging “It’s just like Lord of the Rings!” some- did escape for romantic runs along Club 414, which pumps out hard pupils. Absurdity was becoming so one squealed. I would stay as far away the mountains, I would be followed house and techno all night long. refreshing. Any remaining arrogant from this girl as possible by all the hundreds of stray dogs in If you are after something more re- culinary nationalism was soon to the village, and often any awkward laxed, just opposite is The Juice Bar be dashed… tested! But more importantly it was I have dwelt a lot upon the lurching llamas who were bored of on Coldharbour Lane, a licensed Oh majestic cheese! The Stilton to introduce me to one of the most kitchen; it is understandably the a Sunday morning. café cum library cum poetry per- presided like a fortress over the ex- touching creatures of my life: family temple. The loyalty of the Whether like a hamster per- formance venue where the walls panse of potatoes on the table. It had “Bring out la Bastarda!”, the rest of well fed. A little like when we keep forming on a wheel or as the leader are lined with books by black au- struggled across the Atlantic after I the family following cue, it was a pet and incessantly feed it and of a directionless herd, from every thors and you can get a piece of the had stupidly declared it under bac- agreed by all that it would be hi- wash it and watch it. Little offerings angle you are condemned to be best pecan pie in London. teria at JFK airport and had to sign larious to smear my prestigious of- were left at the foot of my bed. I was part of the animal kingdom, to face Despite the rising property it through all these tests declaring fering all over the face of the maid’s woken in the morning with a ritual your gut and sinews and blood. prices Brixton has remained true to my respect for the American gov- baby, an exquisite three year old breaking of the radioactive- This sense of comedy and absurd- the original diverse nature of its ernment and George Bush in par- named after her mothers unfortu- coloured sachet covered in boiling ity but humility is so surprising community. Saaf London rocks! ticular…they had better like it! A nate spontaneity, and watch. Her water: “Fruit juice!” My mother also and admirable in such an op- Cat Barton bronzed finger plunged in and met tears and objections were offered to bath me in the prestigious pressed society. /28/11/03/LISTINGS/ Welcome to Varsity’s Listings pull-out. With our expert’s top recommendations below, Listings is your essential weekly guide to what’s on in Cambridge over the next seven days. FILM LIT MUSICTHEATRE V. ARTS

Master and Commander: The Far Dr Harvey will take a party to see This Is Not A Mingle rocks King’s Selwyn Touring Theatre annu- New exhibition, Jonesy You Side of the World is set during the Prophetic and other Illuminated on Thursday. Tickets are £11 and avail- ally tour a French play to 6th forms Shlaag!, influenced by late nights, Napoleonic Wars. Russell Crowe’s Books by William Blake in the able from 12-2 and 6-8 this Sunday at round the UK. A delightful, gin, Eastenders, drunken texts and all ship is suddenly attacked by a supe- Fitzwilliam Museum at 2pm on King’s Bar. The Yuletide line-up in- sparkling and witty perfomance of kinds of filthiness in mixed media rior enemy. The conflict between duty Friday 28 November. Foregather at cludes Bailey, the 1Extra Drum’n’Bass Marivaux’s ‘Le Jeu de l’Amour et for your pleasure. Far too extrava- and friendship rages as he pursues the rear entrance to the museum via King, and Hip Hop courtesy from du Hasard’. Comic theatre in a gant for Camridge, for a taste of this a high-stakes chase across two oceans, the lane at the far left corner of the Mystro, Genesis and the Answer. Get beautiful setting. Performances in otherworldly glamour email to intercept and capture his foe. It’s Museum facade. No admission after The Wow return with electro shenani- Selwyn College Chapel. December [email protected] for details of the meant to be very goood. Apparently. 2pm. Apologies for late notice. gans and there’s an indie room. 2nd, 4th, 6th. 8.30pm. secret location and special deals... LOOKING FOR LOVE? Hi my name is Steve and I’m 30 years old. I’m looking for a foxy lady between the age of 18 and 23 to share my life and home with. Big tits are essential, and long blonde hair as well. A classy lady. She must be a good cook, and be a patient mother to my 4 boys. Lucky ladies, if this sounds like it could be you please call me on 1800 LOOK 4 LUV

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An eclectic mix of urban fashion and gifts from London

21 Petty Cury, Cambridge, CB2 3NE. Tel 01223 322 123. Monday - Saturday: 9.00am - 6.30pm. Sunday 11am - 6pm

To submit listings go to www.varsity.co.uk/listings

L2 LISTINGS 28 NOVEMBER 03 Calling instrumentalists to audi- AUDITIONS FOR CAMBRIDGE FOOTLIGHTS The Heywood tions for new blues jazz band! Society ALAN BENNETT’S Announces the deadline for sub- Instrumentalists of all experience welcome! Announces Auditions For "GETTING ON" mission of scripts for Bring along something jazzy/bluesy of your own choice! To be performed week 2/3 Lent term Grandiloquence Friday 28th November, 2004 Harry Porter Prize by Jonathan Lister Wednesday 11.30am- 1..30pm & 3..30pm – 6pm 3.00pm- 6.30pm, New Music Room, St. John’s College Fisher Building, St. John’s College A comic play writing competition a lent term week 9 lateshow at The winner to be put on by Footlights as an the ADC Thursday 1pm-5pm Saturday 29th November, ADC Week 8 Lateshow Auditions 11-5pm Sat 29th New Music Room, St.John’s College 9.00am-12pm & 4pm-7pm New Music Room, St. John’s College Hour-long scripts should be submitted no November and 11 - 4pm Sun 30th For further details, please contact later than 16 Jan 2004 to Matt Harvey, Nov in ADC Dressing Room 2. Suzanne at [email protected] For further details, please contact Suzy, on scp37 Queen’s College. Any questions please contact Email mh386 for more details Christine (cht31) or Jon (jrl38) W.S. Gilbert and A. Sullivan’s CAMBRIDGE FOOTLIGHTS CAMBRIDGE FOOTLIGHTS YEOMEN OF THE GUARD Invites applications for Announces Professionally directed and designed for Pembroke Players announce auditions for Cambridge Arts Theatre 9th-13th March 2004 their Week 3 Lent Term Mainshow Producer Auditions Auditions for MALES: leads and chorus parts THE MYSTERY PLAYS Technical Director For the 2004 Spring Revue -to be performed in the Wren Chapel, Pembroke Sat 29th November 12-5pm St John’s College, Fisher Building, Room 4 For the 2004 Spring Revue ‘Cracking Up’ Sat 29th Nov, 1 - 6pm, Pembroke New Cellars Please bring something to sing! Sun 30th Nov, 12 - 4pm, Pembroke Old ‘Cracking Up’ Contact Liz Halbert ( [email protected] ) Cellars The ADC Week 6 MainShow Sat 29th and Sun 30th November for more information Contact Simon (sjmt2) for 12 - 5pm, ADC Stage further information Applications to produce also welcome - Email Matt (mh386) with CV and please email Simon cover letter Email etlvc2 for more details

Queens’ Films: Pembroke Players announce auditions for Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers . their Week 3 Lent Term Lateshow Queens’ College, Fitzpatrick Hall. Pembroke Players announce auditions for 9pm. £2. FILM FIVE NIGHT STAND their Week 5 Lent Term ADC Lateshow SUNDAY St John’s Films: five nights of stand-up comedy with a different Christ’s Films: What a Girl Wants - guys, come along and comedian each night HERE KITTY find out!. Welcome to Collinwood. - to be performed in New Cellars New writing by Tom Powell St. John’s College, Fisher Building. - to be performed at the ADC Theatre Christs College, New Court Theatre. 7pm. £2. 8pm. £2. Sat 29th Nov, 12 - 4pm; Room S15, Pembroke Sun 30th Nov, 12 - 4pm; Room H13, Pembroke St John’s Films: Sat 29th Nov, 1 - 3pm Christ’s Films: What a Girl Wants - our end of term treat Sun 30th Nov, 12 - 6pm Please prepare about 3 minutes of material Welcome to Collinwood. for girls :). Room N7, Pembroke Christs College, New Court Theatre. St. John’s College, Fisher Building. for the audition 10:30pm. £2. 10pm. £2. Contact Adam (art33) for further information Contact Tom (tjp30) for further information

Cryptic Crossword No2: Set by Luke Peabody The Cambridge MISC Footlights FRIDAY Pembroke Players announce their auditions invites applications for the role of for their Week 7 Lent Term Mainshow CU Chabad Society: Welcome the Shabbat with a delicious four Tour Manager course meal. for their 2004 National Tour. THE REAL THING Chabad House, 19 Regent Terrace. by Tom Stoppard - to be performed in New Cellars 7:30pm. Guidelines for the position can be Sat 29th Nov, 12 - 4pm CU Iraq Society: found in the Footlights pigeonhole in the ADC clubroom Sun 30th Nov, 12 - 4pm International Fund Raising party for Iraq- O Basement, Pembroke Music from around the world. Deadline: Sunday at Noon Darwin College, Common Room. Contact Cat (cvm21) for further informa- 9pm. £2.00. For more information please contact tion Notzarina on nhr23 Applicants to produce also welcome - email Cat CU Jewish Society : Friday Night Dinner - Guest Speaker Lord Kelsey Kerridge, Aerobics studio, top floor. Janner. All welcome. The Round: Student Centre, 3 Thompson’s Lane. CEILIDH! Pembroke College Winnie-the-pooh 7:30pm. Traditional-ish dancing, neither experience Society: nor partner required. Including a little smackeral of something. CU STAR: Parkside Community College, by Parker’s Jesus College, 1, IV Library Court. 4pm. Rnb/HipHop Charity Event. Piece. 8pm. £3 unwaged, £4.50 waged. King’s College, King’s Cellars. 9:30pm. £2. SUNDAY SATURDAY CU Automobile Club (CUAC): Culanu: CU Ballet Club: R2 of Karting Championship- 1.5h Enduro Culanu’s famous weekly Oneg (party!) - Intermediate ballet. 2:30pm. £1.00 Race- Teams of 4. come and join the fun... . Kelsey Kerridge, Aerobics studio, top floor. Email [email protected] by 23/11. The Culanu Centre, 1st Floor, 33a Bridge St, Pointe class. 4pm. £0.50. Red Lodge Karting Centre, 20min from bet. Oxfam and The Galleria. 10pm. Advanced class. 4:30pm. £1.00. Cambridge. 2:30pm. £30 for members, £32 for non-mem- bers.

C.U.T.C.C.S: Tai Chi Chuan: Hand Form; Weapons ACROSS DOWN Forms; Pushing Hands; Self-defence. Fitzwilliam College, Reddaway Room. 2pm. £2/3. 1 Frank and Bert's street allows entry 1 Scopes out around animals (9) (4,6) 2 It is shortly after Edward changes (5) MONDAY 6 No women strip totally and get 3 Son or daughter of girl is top quality Buddhist Meditation Samatha Trust: firsts. (4) (7,6) Introductory course in meditation. 9 Tourist is Jack with a terrific top on. 4 Laboratory work (7) (7) [email protected]. www.samatha.org. 5 Need a particle to complete assign- Pembroke College, N7 Old Lodge. 7:30pm. 10 Believe to be fishy (7) ment (7) 12 Actor who appears in "Ape Science". 7 New totty is all in a dither about CU Jewish Society: (5) Study with a buddy - explore topics of Westlife's first number (6,3) 13 Leaves airline with a note. (9) Jewish learning. 14 A cult consisting of Orion Jelly and 8 Rich man cofines within grounds (5) Culanu Centre, 33 Bridge Street. 7pm. Animal House (7,3,5) 11 Around Rosa's mother, I'm not will- 17 The croutons from around a New ing to support Henry. (3,6,4) CU Meditation & Buddhism Soc: Orleans creation (8,7) 15 Age about a thousand tanks. (9) Meditation with tai chi, chi qong, creative 20 Druggy cop sends (without a direc- 16 Marry a bird to a british director. (9) writing, dreamwork. tion) a flower (9) Sidney Sussex College, Knox Shaw Room. 7pm. 18 Name and title reversed to (7) 21 This animal is one of seven (5) 19 Dump aces without a rod (7) 23 Wise righteous person with a book Maypole Quiz: (7) 20 Give friend direction to kingdom (5) Cambridge’s most entertaining quiz, with tickets drinks and cash prizes. 24 Condition for mask, almost. (7) 22 Another vegetable a spinach-lover 25 What Australia did is missing. (4) The Maypole Pub, Park Street, Upstairs. loves (5) 8pm. £1. 26 Constriction arising from method of playing guitar (10) To view more listings visit www.varsity.co.uk mous Universities intheworld. sion between thetwo mostfa- premier studentsportingocca- Oxford inwhathasbecomethe in toseeCambridgetakeon Finchley Park to Fijiwilltune from more around theworld, Millions 50,000 spectatorsintoe. andwithover World Champions, homeoftheRugby Twickenham, more hallowed ground of will beplayed attheslightly The rugby’. Varsity match2003 friend to ‘a jollygoodgameof elled to Oxford andinvited his Cambridge undergraduate trav- whenone Parker Piece, thirty-a-side kickabouton It allstarted122years ago asa The RoadtoTwickenham Sport more than 3pointsanditseems team haswon theencounterby been halfadecadesinceeither However, bearin mindthatithas five, lostfouranddrawnthree. lost four, whileOxford havewon of writingtheyhavewoneight and twelve matchesplayedatthetime whisker ahead.Indeed,from the a win-lossratioputsCambridge in the2003Varsity match,basedon Analysis oftherivals’prospects Varsity Rugby Correspondent Alex Drysdale Cambridge’s form hasbeen“rather games. According toskipperEru, form with111 pointsintheirlasttwo they are currently hitting aspellof games theymanagedjust98points son andwhileintheirfirst five managed theirfirstvictoryofthe sea- day before Bonfire nightbefore they pre-season ittookOxford untilthe edge overtheiropponents.Barring which givesteamsapsychological this canbreed confidenceandbelief sidered istheformofteams,as easily sawBedford off by28-3). draw againstBedford (Cambridge were madetosweatouta12-12 off-day asOxford didwhenthey Indeed, sometimesteamshavean 60 pointsintheLeicestermatch. testify aftertheywere trounced by jury-depleted Cambridgesidewill isons canbemisleading,asanin- too muchweightonsuchcompar- Oxford lost7-14).However, putting Leicester (Cambridgelost60-6, lost 24-15,Oxford lost25-21) and 60-6), LondonWasps (Cambridge (Cambridge won33-18,Oxford won have playedLoughborough against thesamesides:bothteams to compare theresults ofmatches ing tobeanailbiter. clear theVarsity showpieceisgo- furthercriticalfactortobecon- A It isperhaps more illuminating and Cambridge should expectOxford looking formore widththisseason’ Oxford coachSteveHill‘we’vebeen Loughborough. Indeed,according to out oftheirtentriesagainst ters where theDarkBluesscored 8 their bestespeciallyinthethree-quar- Cambridge are goingtohavebeat per matchonjust17.Defensively game, Oxford are 6pointsbetteroff concede anaverage23pointsevery be revealing isthatwhileCambridge haul againstNorthapton. by DafyddLewis’heroic 21point ing justattherighttime,evidenced Cambridge’s keyplayersare peak- However, onapositivenotesomeof ably wortharound 20 points. so farthisseasonishugeandprob- of theunder-strength teamsfielded complement Bluesteamandsome Indeed, thedifference betweenafull and Abiola backtofitnessintime. can getthelikesofFrost, Gladstone cess maydependonwhetherthey blamed. MuchofCambridge’ssuc- ground atthestartoftermisbeing years ofbeingacoachandthehard worst injurycrisishehashadin24 Tony Rodgers hassaidthatthisisthe had 13playersoutwithinjury. Coach Indeed, atonepointintimetheBlues be largely attributedto injuries. erratic” thisseasonalthoughcan One furtherstatisticthatcould 2003 Special Kevin Tkachuk whohasjustre- include Canadian internationalprop sive viewingforWoods. semi-finalshouldbecompul- year’s video ofEnglandvFrancein this cision-makers outofthegame. The did toMichelakandpressure thede- Cambridge needtodoastheEnglish is outwithinjuryandthus last yearsno.10forOxford, Honeyben heat ontheOxford fly-half.Indeed, players anditwillbehisjobtoputthe one oftheUniversity’soutstanding England U21BenWoods. Woods is ly tostartasMcGarry, Eru and back-row combinationwhichislike- of attack’.Criticaltothiswillbethe on itshead‘defenceisthebestform or lost.To turn thetraditionalmaxim fence willbewhere thegame iswon logically beasgoodascore andde- ly onbyCambridgecouldpsycho- hitear- or anOxford student. Ahuge and truly nailed,especiallyan Aussie beautiful thansomeonegettingwell him intotheearth.Nothingismore him upandspeared him,hammering Australia’s fly-halfwhenhepicked Wilkinson’s devastatinghiton Psychologically thisisvital.Take World Champions England. the superbdefenceepitomisedby Cambridge shouldtryandemulate to playanexpansiverunning game. Men towatchfortheDarkBlues Preview Varsity Match treasured MMCVarsity trophy. from Twickenham withthemuch sively asaunittheywillcome away retain theballanddefendaggres- lieve iftheyplaytotheirpatterns, watched Cambridgeallseason Ibe- penalties anddrop-goals. Having boot andkeepsknockingthose Lewis keepsuphisformwiththe In additiontothisitisvitalthat penalty countwillbecriticalfactors. Injuries aside,defenceandalow MMC trophy onDecember9th? down withhisbare hands. a childhoodofhuntingspringbok rampages seeminglycandescentof is likeawildanimal,hismarauding es ofSouth Africa. Boschonhisday tured onthesun-bakedrugby pitch- returning BlueRudolfBosch,nur- care ofTkachukwillbethird time especially inthefront five. Taking Oxford’s strengths lieintheirpack, Indeed, Eru haswarnedhismenthat equally devastatingintheloose. Loughborough matchand heis our scrum’ whencomingoninthe Hill hemade‘ahugedifference to According toOxford-coach Steve Web-Ellis tournament tofive. Oxford graduateswhoplayed inthe Canada clash),takingthenumberof ing onasasubstituteintheWales v turned from World Cupduty(com- So whowillgohomewiththe

Rowan Huppert

Having THE BEST IN THE BRIDGE a ball Six of the best to watch out for in Varsity 2003

Date of Birth: 21/03/1981 Date of Birth: 11/05/1973 Shanaz Musafer Height: 1.80m Height: 1.95m Weight: 90kg Weight: 109kg The 2003 Varsity Ball will take Position: Fly-half Position: Lock place in the spectacular setting Previous clubs/honours: Previous clubs/honours: of London’s Café de Paris for Represented Wales at U 18, 19, 21 England U 19’s, 21’s together with the second year in a row, with Student and 7’s Levels England and Ireland Students. At students anticipating what Nickname: Welsh Wizard club level he has played for Job to do at Twickenham: Northampton Saints, Rotheram promises to be another enjoy- Dafydd must be the pulse of the and Valencia. able evening’s entertainment. team. Control the play and pat- Nickname: Gav It is amazing to consider how far terns with a good tactical kicking Job to do at Twickenham: Gav is the Ball has come in recent years: in game and good distribution. the old shoulders of the team and 2001 it was held in a hotel lobby, Decision-maker and creator. as such needs to provide a steady whereas last year it was held in a top Hopefully he will keep up the head when it counts. Secure line- London club with over 750 guests in good kicking form. His boot could out ball and providing a strong attendance. Kitsch Lounge Riot win the Varsity match. platform from set-pieces opened the show with their terrific Dafydd Lewis Gav Webster live set featuring performances from many of London’s West End stars. Date of Birth: 27/11/1974 Date of Birth: 09/06/1982 There was even a touch of celebrity Height: 1.78m Height: 1.93cm Weight: 108kg Weight: 104kg about the place with supermodel Position: Prop Position: Open-side flanker Caprice making a special guest ap- Previous clubs/honours: Previous clubs/honours: pearance. Stellenbosch University, Worcester Represented English Universities, It all serves to whet the appetite RFC, Boland in the Currie Cup, England Students, England U 21’s for this year’s event. With tickets at Western Province Nickname: Woodsy a mere £20, which includes a limit- Nickname: Dr. Evil Job to do at Twickenham: The ed amount of free drinks, the chance Job to do at Twickenham: Keep Oxford back row have been in to party in one of London’s top ven- a tight lid on Oxfords internation- devastating form this season. ues should not be missed. al prop Kevin Tkachuk. Lead the However, in Woods they will meet The Café de Paris, in London’s battle of the front five against a their match. Stopping Oxford’s strong Oxford unit. Marauding ten from having any time on the Piccadilly, has a glittering history forward runs and strong loose ball, putting in big hits and sup- spanning nine decades, and has en- play. port play. Good outside bet for tertained a wide variety of famous first try scorer. guests, ranging from the Prince of Rudolf Bosch Ben Woods Wales in 1924 to the legendary Cole Porter in the 1930s, Old Blue Eyes Frank Sinatra to George Michael and Date of Birth: 22/09/83 Date of Birth: 13/01/1978 Height: Height: Mick Jagger. Recent parties include 1.77m 1.88m Weight: 70kg Weight: 70kg the film launches of Spiderman and Position: Wing Position: Centre Ocean’s Eleven as well as the Brit Previous clubs/honours: Previous clubs/honours: Played Awards nominations party. Educated at Haileybury in Herts. for Gold Coast Breakers, Swansea So who knows who you’ll be rub- Nickname: Deso and London Welsh, as well as rep- bing shoulders with on December Job to do at Twickenham: Deso resenting Natal ‘A’ and South 9th. One thing that is for sure is that is the king of producing the unex- Africa U 21’s it promises to be a magical evening, pected, whether it’s a length of the Nickname: Frosty all the more so if it follows a Light pitch wonder try in Paris or an Job to do at Twickenham: Blue win! interception against Steel-Bodgers. Having spent most of the season He has the potential to be a match in the treatment room, it is vital winner at Twickenham. May be that Frosty is fit for Varsity. His For tickets and information on this quite all match and then produce play is characterised by strong year’s Varsity Ball, visit www.varsi- the impossible. One to keep your runs over the gain line and big tyball.com Charlie Desmond eye on. Simon Frost hits in midfield. The essential guide to the Varsity Match

is Oxford v Cambridge so we want your hands on any of these then is somewhat of a character and the befits the occasion. This pub serves Alex Drysdale to win the best fans award as well. just bring your best singing voice atmosphere in the pub has a dis- award winning ales and is a bitter Of the 121 matches already Any college or University scarves, and get ready for a few renditions tinctly rugby flavour. If your start- drinkers paradise and also serves an played, Cambridge are edging the hats, jumpers, hoodies and sports of ‘Swing Low Sweet Chariot….’. ing off in Richmond then try The exciting mix of Thai cuisine which Dark Blues with 57 victories, stash is all welcome. In addition the The Under 21’s match for the Old Ship. Dating back to 1735, this could be just what the doctor orders 13 draws and 51 defeats. After Light Blue rugby jersey is always a MMC plate starts at 11.30 am with pub has a real sense of history which before the main event. three successive defeats, good bet, and although not recom- the Varsity match kicking off at Cambridge managed to prize the mended for not being sufficiently 2.00pm, finishing around 3.30pm. treasured MMC trophy back partisan, you can’t go too far This leaves plenty of time post- from Iffley Road in 2002. If you wrong with an England rugby shirt match to enjoy celebrations of an-

are looking for an explosive day these days. other double Light Blue victory over Rowan Huppert of rugby this year then read on…. Remember however, it is Oxford with your friends in the pub, First and foremost we need to get December and Twickenham is not before bidding your farewells for you there. Twickenham railway sta- centrally heated so you might want the Christmas vacations. tion is a ten minute walk from the to bring a hip flask of whiskey to If you are looking for a few wa- ground. Services operate from warm the cockles. Another impor- tering holes in and around the Waterloo and Vauxhall. In addition tant thing to bear in mind is noise. ground then here are a few that to this there is a regular bus service We want to be the noisiest fans in come recommended. The Cabbage on match days which goes from out- Twickenham and to that end whis- Patch is to quote ‘one of side the ground into Richmond. tles, rattles and air horns are all Twickenham’s great rugby institu- Secondly attire. Remember, this welcome additions. If you can’t get tions’. The Landlord Frank Dupree Martin’s men ready to raise the curtain

picks out ‘full of gas’ Charlie mixed – an encouraging start was goal kicker due to injury.” Along Cambridge will need to be at their U 21’S Preview Desmond, centre Craig Bennet, con- followed by heavy defeats against with a draw against the Army and a very best to win. Speaking about the Gareth Humphrey tracted to St. Helen’s rugby league development teams from Harlequins win over Norfolk, the performance difficulty he will have in picking a team, and ‘hard as nails’ Adam and Rotherham. Martin admits that against the Welsh was encouraging. back three from the array of speed If the phrase ‘curtain raiser’ con- Gilbert, an England Schoolboy, as be- organisation has been a key problem, They have one match left to fine tune and flair he has at his disposal, jures up images of young lads in ing three players to keep your eyes but hopes that his team will rise to their preparations, on Saturday Martin assures us of expansive play, oversized rugby shirts, cheered on. The game seems likely to provide the occasion: “Although it’s not quite against Loughborough, and with entertainment and 100% dedication. on by their mums whilst the ma- more entertainment than the main there yet I’m confident we’ll be more their goal kicker back to fitness there There is no doubt that this pre- jority of the crowd head for a pie event which has been dominated by than up to speed come Varsity. Our are no excuses for under performing. match fare promises far more than and a pint, then think again. the boot in the last few years – al- last game against London Welsh was Oxford’s warm up matches have is normally served up before such There’ll be no cringeworthy though who are we to criticise kick- very promising. Although it finished also produced mixed results, with occasions, and if Cambridge’s com- singing or half-hearted cheer- ing rugby, having cheered Johnny 13-8 to the Welsh they are a team four wins and four losses, although mitment is matched by that of the leading to build up to this year’s Wilkinson’s every kick over the past who put 50 points on us last year and their latest victory over Oxford team, expect the fireworks Varsity match. Instead, the un- few glorious weeks? we were playing without a proper Loughborough suggests that to rival a Saturday night in Sydney! der 21’s (we’re talking genuine In the modern game, however, it undergraduates here, not a is refreshing to see running rugby bunch of land economists from and tries aplenty being the order of down under, invited here to the day. The only problem is that strengthen the Blues!) will do most of these tries have gone to the Rowan Huppert battle with their counterparts Oxford side in recent years, a trend from the Other Place. that Martin is keen to reverse: “We’re Is this just a bit of fun? Thirty stu- going to go out and play rugby at dents running round for a while, Twickenham. There is a lot of hunger more concerned with their after and determination in the side and match pint than affairs on the pitch? a huge will to win.” Not a chance! These guys are serious So can this “will to win” be trans- about their rugby, and there is no ferred into points on the pitch? shortage of talent. Captain and hook- History is against Cambridge, who er Tom Martin is one of several un- have been comprehensively beaten der 21’s to have moved up a level to in the match for the last three years. play for the Blues this season. He This year’s results have also been Kiwi Captain should contain Oxford Pack

there is still time for them to prove edge as they might be on trial. Our in and control their forwards. That emphasised the role of the light their fitness. rugby season is very structured to- won’t give too much away though. Blues off the field as well as You say this has been an injury wards the key Varsity match in the What was the atmosphere at on the field – is that the aspect ravaged season for the Light first term. You might say it’s very Twickenham in the last game? of your captaincy you are most Blues – has their been any par- conservative but it’s the right way It’s brilliant, awesome. You get a proud of? ticular reason for the glut of in- to go. buzz when you walk out. It’s ex- Yeah, I think it is an area that need- juries, or is it simply bad luck? How important personally is citing, talking to your team-mates ed to be addressed. Oxford have I’ve talked to Tony Rogers, the victory for you in the Varsity on the paddock. For the players, done a lot on the marketing side of coach and in his 24 years as a match? the whole historic aspect of the oc- things. I wanted to give the mar- coach, this is the worst season of I have only played in one Varsity casion is something else. keting side a facelift. I wanted to injury problems he has seen. It match and fortunately we won that Does the history of the match explore the creative side and I had might have something to do with one. I do not know what that side make the match more daunting? a lot of help from others. It’s great the harder grounds we used at the of the coin is like and I don’t real- No. Last year, we had to throw fun. start of the season. Most of the in- ly want to start finding out now. everything at them. We are aware How did the motto of Blue juries have been muscle strains but Talking to guys who have lost, it’s of the whole occasion a lot more Blood, Red Heart come about? we have to just push on. a burden to carry throughout the and have more experience. I sat down with the lady who Rajan Lakhani speaks with Blues Away from off the field injury rest of the season. It is 50/50 match How do you respond to the crit- arranges the merchandise. I want- Captain Stu Eru problems, to what extent have and it is on a knife-edge. ics of the Varsity match who ar- ed to have a motto like the football the matches against the big club Given the injury crisis, how gue that these two teams should clubs here or rugby clubs in New The Varsity match is less than a sides, for example the Leicester highly do you rate the team’s not get the privilege to play, es- Zealand. They have all these catch- couple of weeks away – what do Tigers and Northampton Saints chances? pecially since you know it’s the phrases. We basically brainstormed you think of Cambridge’s per- helped you to prepare for the Whoever plays, it doesn’t matter in same match every year? things and the motto came up. Blue formances so far this season? Varsity match? the end for what happens on the Critics are entitled to their opin- with the colour of the team and the They have been rather erratic; that Without a doubt, those matches day is the most important aspect. ions. We are lucky and when I was idea of the heart of the lion. It allows has been mainly due to the injuries have helped. Those are the kind of The major thing is those players in abroad, I was envious of the big oc- people to read whatever they want we’ve had. We have had injuries strengths of sides we need to face. key positions carry us through. casion so that makes being part of into it and has a number of conno- from the start of the season. In our Oxford will be really pumped up for Cambridge thankfully ended the it even better. tations making it more accessible. tour of Japan, Simon Frost sus- the game, so we need to face tough, 3-match losing streak last time How would you describe your There are bound to be pre-match tained an injury after 20 minutes strong opposition beforehand. They out. Having won last time, does style of captaincy? nerves – what do you and the who is a pretty influential figure in are great workouts. Playing the big it put any greater pressure on I don’t bark at the players or give players like to do to chill out? the squad and the injuries have sides allows you to see your weak- you as captain? them orders since there are so Yeah, try to keep things as normal never stopped since. Having said nesses and where we can improve. Not at all, no. We would have faced many good players in the team. I as possible. It is difficult with that, it gives the opportunity for the In what ways has the team im- a lot more pressure had we not like to think the guys can con- Twickenham, the great crowds and younger players to get some expe- proved from last season? won because we would have been tribute and have a role in leading the massive number of fans when rience at the top level. We have developed our patterns a staring down the barrel at the pos- the team as well. you are coming up to Twickenham, We know 3 established players lot more, especially in Japan. We sibility of five defeats in a row! It’s Following your injuries, did you cheering you on. But we have ex- will probably miss the Varsity have made some changes and we’re tough but the pressure is back on ever envisage being captain for perienced players, do things that match (Simon Frost, Fergus in reasonable shape. Oxford. such a big occasion? are normal as possible and follow Gladstone and Aki Abiola)– What kind of style of rugby have What aspects of Oxford’s play Not at all. Having the injuries … it your routine. It’s when you start to have there been any further in- Cambridge aimed to play this do you feel you need to keep un- made me more determined to get move away from routine, things jury blows since? season? der control? the most of rugby. Playing in the begin to go wrong. The atmosphere Not at this stage – at one point in Obviously being a student side, we Probably the forwards. They have Varsity match was one aim, but I you never forget. the season we had 13 players out. like to play flowing rugby. It is dif- got a strong tight five now. They never saw myself leading the team Those three players are not defi- ficult to establish that kind of style have a very good scrum. They are out at Twickenham. Everyone at Varsity wishes you nitely out – they are doubtful and of rugby given that players are on very good up front. We need to reign More than any captain, you have the best of luck at Twickenham! 28 NOVEMBER 03 LISTINGS L3 SATURDAY Alternation: THEATRE CUADC: Cigarettes and Chocolate - Lateshow by MUSIC Indie/Alternative Clubnight. FRIDAY English Patient director Anthony CAN A TV CREW FRIDAY Kambar, Wheeler St, near corn exchange. ADC/FOOTLIGHTS: Minghella. HELP YOU! Boogie Wonderland: 10pm. £3/5. ALICE IN WONDERLAND - Christmas ADC Theatre, . 11pm. £3/£4. 80?s, 90?s & Naughties Disco Panto! ADC Theatre, 7:45pm. £5/£6.50. Maybe you've got a diffi- Clare Ents: HATS - Homerton Amateur Theatrical Extravaganza. Live Madagascan Funk: Modeste & Band, Ariel Society / CADS: Society: cult thing to do or just The Junction, . support from Dubmaster Deckhead. William Shakespeare’s Troilus and Cressida. DANCING AT LUGHNASA 10pm. £4.50/£6.50. A lively, fast-paced production set in the want to impress. see www.clare-ents.com for more details. Homerton College, Auditorium. First World War. 7:30pm. £4/£5. Clare College, Clare Cellars. Our TV show Cambridge University Symphony Christs College, New Court Theatre. 9pm. £4. 7:15pm. £5/4. can help. Orchestra: Mankind, by anon: A fifteenth century morality play presented Sibelius 3, Wagner, Strauss Horn Concerto Man on The Moon: BATS: by the Fletcher Players. Call us on 0207 506 5662 (Edward Corn). Milf (www.milf.vze.com) Henrik Ibsens’ A DOLLS HOUSE. The Playroom, Box Office: 01223 503 333. West Rd Concert Hall, . Amara (www.amaramusic.com). Booking 01223 503333. Queens’ College, 9:15pm. £5.50/£4. 8pm. £10, £6, £4 (students). Man On The Moon, 2 Norfolk Street, FITZPATRICK HALL. 7:45pm. £5/4. NICK WHITFIELD/WES WILLIAMS pres- Cambridge. 7:30pm. £4.00. Brickhouse Theatre Company: ent ROADMOVIE: Cambridge University Symphony ‘Tantalus’ - debut of epic tragedy produced A funny, fantastical tale of the extremes of Orchestra: St. John’s Ents: in association with RSC. humanity . The Junction, 8pm. £8.50/£5.50. Ed Corn plays Strauss with CUSO. West “Santa’s little helper!”. Robinson College, Brickhouse Theatre. Road Concert Hall, 8pm. St. John’s College, Fisher Building. 9pm. £4. 7:30pm. £5-£6. Pembroke Players: GUYS & DOLLS, Music/Lyrics: Frank Coming Out Of The House: Loesser, Book: Swerlings & Burrows. Clare Ents: SUNDAY MWM: The Fletcher Players present an adaptation Pembroke College, New Cellars. 7:30pm. Salsa! Lesson, DJ + live band Manteca. of Sophocle’s Electra. Acoustic music from Simon Mastrantone £4/5. www.clare-ents.com for further details. The Playroom, Box Office: 01223 503 333. and Jeremy Warmsley. Clare College, Cellars. 7pm. £5.50/£4. Pembroke Players: Clown’s Cafe ,8:30pm. 9pm. £3/4. Mary Pakington’s little known ‘thriller’, CUADC and Footlights: The House With The Twisty Windows. St. John’s Ents: Alice In Wonderland - a grown up Alice in Pembroke College, Pembroke New Cellars. Kettle’s Yard: St. John’s Ents presents “Santa’s little the CUADC/Footlights annual Panto. 10:30pm. £3/4. Luch time concert lasting approx 40 mins, helper!”. ADC Theatre, . 7:45pm. £5 - £7.50. John Myerscough - cello. St. John’s College, Fisher Building. Kettle’s Yard, 1:10pm. 9pm. £4. Show of Hands: Redshift: MagSoc: The cutting edge of English acoustic music. London Elektricity, DJ p and more! Finzi Clarinet Concerto, Shostakovich Piano Newnham Ents: The Bluetones & support from The Brian Mc Neill. 9pm - 2.30am. Concerto no. 2, Bernstein’s Chichester Psalms. Acoustic night raising money for AIDS Vessels: The Junction, 7pm. £11/£12. Fitzwilliam College, . West Road Concert Hall, Faculty of Music, charities. FREE entry. The Bluetones’ massive Spring Tour comes 9pm. £7/8. West Road. 8pm. £6/£4. Newnham College, Bar. 8pm. to The Junction. St. John’s Ents: The Junction, 7pm. £13.50/£12.50. St. John’s Ents presents “Santa’s little St. John’s Ents: St. John’s Ents: Peterhouse Music Society: helper!”. St. John’s Ents presents “Santa’s little “Santa’s little helper!”. Solo Violin Music by Bach: Jamie MONDAY St. John’s College, Fisher Building. 9pm. £4. helper!”. St. John’s College, Fisher Building. 9pm. £4. St. John’s College, Fisher Building. Campbell, Benjamin Moore. Fitzwilliam, Churchill & New Hall Music 9pm. £4. Trinity College Music Society: Peterhouse, Chapel. 8:45pm. Societies: WEDNESDAY Michaelmas Term Orchestral Concert, Fitz JMA: A special performance of Bach’s Christmas Oratorio. Trinity College, Trinity College including Elgar ‘Cello Concerto. London Elektricity Rawganics DJs biggest THURSDAY Selwyn College Music Society: Chapel. 7pm. £6/£4/£2. Churchill College, Dining Hall. best loudest party2finish term!. Cambridge Classical Guitar Society: Music for advent: Bach cantatas and sea- 8pm. £5/£3. Fitzwilliam College, . 9pm. £7/£8. Bring your classical guitar to perform, or sonal choral preludes. come and listen! Info (01223) 565552 . FRIDAY Selwyn College, Chapel. St. John’s Ents: Jesus College Music Society: St Lukes Centre, Victoria Road, Cambridge Boogie Wonderland: 8:30pm. £3.50 full/£2 concessions/ free to “Santa’s little helper!”. Piano Recital by Tim Byram-Wigfield, CB4 3DZ, . 80?s, 90?s & Naughties Disco Extravaganza. members. St. John’s College, Fisher Building. 9pm. £4. College Director of Music. 8pm. £3. The Junction, . Jesus College Chapel, 9pm. 10pm. £4.50/£6.50. Trinity College Music Society: Cambridge Classical Guitar Society: TUESDAY MISS BLACK AMERICA + COSYCOSY + Bring your classical guitar to perform, or Kettle’s Yard: Trinity Players and Singers perform their Cambridge gamelan: MY PET JOEY: come and listen! Info tel. 565552 . Ed Corn playing the french horn - approx most recent works. Traditional Javanese music workshop. extra-special cambridge bands + indie djs St Lukes Centre, Victoria Road, 8pm. 40 mins. Trinity College, Trinity College Chapel. Beautiful-sounding tuned metallophones www.repeatfanzine.com. Entrance £3. Kettle’s Yard, 8pm. £5/£3 and gongs. Music Department, West Road. 6pm. The Junction, Clifton Road. 7pm. £5. 1:10pm.

L4 LISTINGS 28 NOVEMBER 03

THEATRE Coming Out Of The House: Pembroke Players: THURSDAY The Fletcher Players present an adaptation GUYS & DOLLS, Music/Lyrics: Frank ADC/FOOTLIGHTS: SATURDAY of Sophocle’s Electra. Loesser, Book: Swerlings & Burrows. ALICE IN WONDERLAND - ADC/FOOTLIGHTS: The Playroom, Box Office: 01223 503 333. Pembroke College, New Cellars. Christmas Panto! 7:45pm. ALICE IN WONDERLAND - Christmas 7pm. £5.50/£4. Panto! 7:45pm. ADC Theatre, . 7:30pm. £4/5. ADC Theatre, . 7:45pm. £5/£7.50. 7:45pm. £5/£7.50. CUADC and Footlights: Pembroke Players: Alice In Wonderland - a grown up Alice in Mary Pakington’s little known ‘thriller’, The Ariel Society / CADS: the CUADC/Footlights annual Panto. ADC Dido and Aeneas - Purcell’s House With The Twisty Windows. Now Recruiting William Shakespeare’s Troilus and Theatre, 7:45pm. £5 - £7.50. passionate opera. Cressida. Set in the First World War. Pembroke College, Pembroke New Cellars. ADC Theatre, . Christs College, New Court Theatre. CUADC: 10:30pm. £3/4. 11pm. £3/£4. 7:15pm. £6/5. Cigarettes and Chocolate - Lateshow by £5.50 per hour English Patient director Anthony Minghella. MONDAY Pembroke Players: BATS: ADC Theatre, 11pm. £3/£4. ADC/FOOTLIGHTS: A Day in the Death of Joe Henrik Ibsens’ A DOLLS HOUSE. Ad. ALICE IN WONDERLAND - Christmas Egg, by Peter Nichols. after training Booking 01223 503333. HATS - Homerton Amateur Theatrical Panto! 7:45pm. ADC Theatre, £5/£6.50. Queens’ College, FITZPATRICK HALL. The Playroom, . Society: 7pm. £4/5.50. 7:45pm. £5/4. DANCING AT LUGHNASA 7:30pm. £4/£5. TUESDAY ADC/FOOTLIGHTS: Selwyn Touring Theatre: Brickhouse Theatre Company: Mankind, by anon: ‘Tantalus’ - debut of epic tragedy produced ALICE IN WONDERLAND - Christmas Marivaux’s ‘Le Jeu de A fifteenth century morality play presented Panto! 7:45pm. ADC Theatre, £5/£6.50. Contact store for in association with RSC. Robinson College, by the Fletcher Players. The Playroom, Box l’Amour et du Hasard’ (in Brickhouse Theatre. 7:30pm. £5-£6. Office: 01223 503 333. 9:15pm. £5.50/£4. French). Footlights: Selwyn College, Chapel. further details SMOKER - the final stand-up night before 8:30pm. £4/£3/£2. Christmas. ADC Theatre, . 11pm. £4. Small Change present Red Pembroke Players presents: Velvet: “A DAY IN THE DEATH OF JOE EGG” by A hilarious and poignant Peter Nichols. The Playroom, 7pm. £4/£5.50 meditation on nostalgia at a DOMINOS CAMBRIDGE: 01223 355155 time of crisis. 27 HILLS ROAD, CAMBRIDGE, CB2 1NW Selwyn Touring Theatre: The Drama Centre, 8pm. Marivaux’s Le Jeu de l’Amour et du Hasard (in French). FRIDAY Selwyn College, Chapel. CUADC and Footlights: 8:30pm. £4/£3/£2. Alice In Wonderland - a grown up Alice in the CUADC/Footlights annual Panto. WEDNESDAY ADC Theatre, 7:45pm. £5 - £8.50. ADC/FOOTLIGHTS: ITALIAN RESTAURANT ALICE IN WONDERLAND - Christmas CUOS: MEZE HOUSE Panto! 7:45pm. ADC Theatre, £5/£7.50. Dido and Aeneas - Purcell’s passionate opera. Party bookings up to 50 available CUOS: ADC Theatre, 11pm. £3/£4. Dido and Aeneas - Purcell’s passionate opera. ADC Theatre, 11pm. £3/£4. Pembroke Players: Downstairs Cocktail Bar A Day in the Death of Joe Egg, by Peter Pembroke Players presents: Nichols. 10% STUDENT DISCOUNT “A DAY IN THE DEATH OF JOE EGG” by The Playroom, 7pm. £4/5.50. Peter Nichols. The Playroom, . 17 Hills Road, Cambridge 7pm. £4/£5.50. 01223 566900

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INTERVIEW EDITOR: PAUL LEWIS 14 Nov 28, 2003 www.varsity.co.uk A real pop idol? Magnus Gittins talks to impressario and Pop Idol judge, Pete Waterman This is one self-styled ‘pop music phenomenon’ which “What we did was groundbreaking. I remember putting to read and write. Cynical – me? I’d love to be intelligent certainly has staying power. In an industry characterised Kylie on tour and for a pound you got to see her, a free ham- enough to be cynical!” by youth, Pete Waterman is one of its few elder states- burger and a bottle of coke. We went up to Stoke one night Despite the undoubted success everyone also has failures. men having produced over 200 songs in a forty year and had numbers one to nine in the pop charts on stage. Those His seemingly unstoppable run of form came to an abrupt career. Synonymous with the sounds of the 1980’s, Pete kids just paid a pound and they got Top of the Pops live.” end with a band called One True Voice. The group was se- introduced us to the, perhaps fair to say ‘varied’, talents Although extraordinarily successful in the charts Pete was lected by a television audience and acrimoniously parted of Kylie Minogue, Rick Astley and Bananarama. These routinely panned by the music press. His diagnosis for the days, it is rare to find anyone with less than five pints reason that lay behind their opprobrium is characteristi- “Experts are like arseholes - down them who will admit to enjoying Kylie’s I should cally straightforward: “It’s simple, we don’t shout about it everyone has one. ” be so lucky, but love it or loathe it, it was certainly as if we were geniuses. We said anyone can do it, it’s not spe- popular at the time, and made him a very rich man. cial. The musical press want to tell you how difficult it is. We company with Waterman following poor record sales. With the increasing proliferation of professional song- Fearing this might be a raw nerve, I broach the subject writers, I’m interested to find out whether any room remains gently; was it their fault or yours? “they did not pay credit in popular music for the performing artist, or singer-song- to the people who voted for them. That’s one of the dangers writer. He interrupts me, “no such thing as a performing of these shows. They make people think they’re more im- artist. Mozart played the piano to make money. Bob Dylan portant than they actually are. They’d just had a number two was famous for phoning his agent to make sure his cheque record and they started to tell the public that they knew had cleared before he went on stage. You’re not going to tell more than them. Away you go lads, I said, and where are their records since?” Indeed. “There’s no such thing as a per- The band complained of Pete’s fixation with 80’s forming artist. Mozart played inspired pop music and that he was completely out of the piano to make money” touch. It remains a sore subject. “I’m still a millionaire. They’re not. And they’re still looking for my second cheque which won’t be sent because they didn’t com- me that Bob Dylan wasn’t a good singer song plete the contract. Naively, I thought you could pick writer, but he did it for cash.” people with talent who could sing. The problem is, Convincing, but also depressing; if music is only a couple of those kids thought they knew all the an- about pandering to our sentiments in order to reach swers. Now and again you get it wrong.” into our wallets, it all seems rather empty. Surely In the fickle world of popular music, though, I ask, aren’t musicians motivated by oth- Pete definitely believes that his expe- er things? What about inspiration, wanting to rience counts. Yet, as he has discovered change the world…“No. Why did he write the song his experience does not always en- in the first place? To make money. I don’t say gender respect; “everybody, now is an that I write because I’m inspired – it’s my liv- expert. They all know better than me. ing. I don’t walk around wearing silly hats and Experts are like arseholes – everyone has do certain things to make you think I’m serious. one. When these five kids are telling me If I don’t make a good song people won’t buy it.” how to run their careers after five weeks Despite his success, many criticise Pete on the TV – nah, get lost.” Waterman for stifling creativity. His domination of For those for whom the eighties was the charts in the 80’s led to accusations of ‘conveyor-belt’ more about kindergarten than Kylie music, which is ‘made’ rather than creatively produced. Waterman is perhaps best known for his role But he resists criticism that his music is formulaic. as a judge on Pop Idol, which spawned both “I wish there was a formula, I’d be billionaire instead of Will Young and Gareth Gates. His harsh a millionaire. It’s not an exact science, it’s a feeling. It’s assessment of the performers recent- getting goose bumps and its knowing how to read those ly landed him in trouble with a group goose bumps.” Goose bumps? Feelings? I wonder how these of MP’s. distinctly personal attributes which fit in with Pete’s blunt In one critique, Pete suggested reduction of music to money. that the performer in question was too Waterman’s career really took off when he signed up Kylie overweight to make it in the pop Minogue. In later years, Pete was to claim that promoting world. Does he regret being so frank? Kylie was as risky as Malcolm McLaren launching the “I’m never going to be a supermodel, Sex Pistols. It’s a bizarre comparison. Kylie embarked you’re never going to be Michael on her career with the support of sixteen million Schumacher and we have to accept that. viewers who watched her, every day, on television Michelle and Kim are never going to be Pop acting out the tedious daily life of Charlene in Idols – that’s a fact. If the public vote for them Neighbours. Was he actually serious about the then, that doesn’t change the fact that neither will comparison or was it just a throwaway com- ever be Pop Idols. ment? Political correctness for me has gone bananas. Who says we “I did a lot of work with McLaren. I’m a big shouldn’t be telling people the truth?” For him it’s a case of punk fan. Same as I love techno. I love things recognising our own abilities, and if the truth hurts so be it. that are wild and anti-establishment.” But surely, Opinionated, arrogant and fiercely defensive of his career, I say forced to interrupt with sheer incredulity at what he’s said, nah, it’s not difficult. If you’re a band who’s spent ages saying, I should be so lucky, isn’t even approaching anti-es- telling people how clever your music is you have your “Political correctness for me has own market, the student market, which is all angst and mis- gone bananas.Who says we shouldn’t “It’s not an exact science, it’s a erable. We found a market which is youthful, bright and full be telling people the truth?” feeling. It’s getting goose bumps of hope. I’m not full of despair. Songs can at least brighten and its knowing how to read them” the situation even if they cannot change it in any way.” He may be onto something. Thinking back to secondary how will he be remembered? “not at all with any hope. I don’t school, there was definitely a point when music tastes seemed care to be honest.” tablishment? “Actually you’re wrong. What is anti-estab- to change. Perhaps we lose our youthful optimism when the Having prepared myself for a lengthy answer, I was left un- lishment? Here is a girl from a soap opera. I couldn’t get a national curriculum really kicks in. prepared for the direct nature of his response. In an industry record deal for that girl and I was looking for £1,500 quid. So could he write for Radiohead? ”No. Simple as that. forever chasing the tail of consumer trends to talk to Pete is ac- So if it was that obvious – why didn’t I get a deal? If it was I’m not that morbid. I’m not that cynical. These are cynical tually quite refreshing. In fact, honest is probably the best word such a hit why did no one put it out?” songs. I’ve worked in a coal mine. I left school at 14 unable to describe him. EDITORS: MARTIN HEMMING AND WILL MOTT THE ORDINARY www.varsity.co.uk Nov 28, 2003 15 The ISSUE NINE: Jean-Marie Le Penultimate

XMAS! rdinaryCHRISTMAS TIME, THE ORD IS SO FINE, CHILDREN DOING WHAT? Ho, ho, chuffingO ho. The Ord’s definitive COLLEGE The year that was round-up of 2003 SHORTS WHOOP This time last year 2003 hadn’t College with a carpet ban on petting in From the Dean: 2003 has been a great started yet. Even today it hasn’t the swimming pool.Beards are also pro- year for us. Arrests were down 12%, quite finished. That’s the kind of hibited. Martin and Will have an idea. and domestic violence was restricted year its been. The Ord’s remaining Varsity editor reluctantly agrees to it. to Tarquin and Penny on P staircase. team of writers guides you through What war? Our new “pipe down, accept it” poli- the headline-grabbing news of the JUNE cy has led to a huge reduction in stu- last 12 months… Will misses exam after being distracted dent complaints at the quality of hall JANUARY by a colourful piece of graffiti on the food and ale consumption in the bar 2003 gets going with its unprecedented route there. Martin has record three was also up by a third. Well done arrangement of a two,two zeroes and a wees during one exam. May Ball 2003 everyone! three. Martin’s birthday. takes place: theme of ‘Norfolk Cranes’ FEBRUARY proves popular with the students,bless GRITTY Martin and Will’s combined valentine ’em. Martin has his second – and final – From the computer officer: Could card count reaches single figures for sec- toke of evil weed. students please refrain from emailing ond year running. New district of Hull JULY their pubes to the Queen as an anti-war discovered. Immensely interesting things happen in protest. I can’t get the stains off the MARCH Cambridge. No one’s there to record scanner. War on Iraq kicks right off. Martin and them – it’s empty, like. Martin and Will Will refuse to make any jokes about any- commence their tour of historic English thing as a mark of respect. mill towns. Clockwise from top-left:Awesome publication; dirty incontinent girl; their loss; pride APRIL AUGUST to bloody shut it down. NOVEMBER Showers fail to emerge. Martin diag- Ditto.Will’s 21st birthday.He is given the OCTOBER Cambridge students 16% less unhappy nosed with Eustachian tube dysfunction keys to Ipswich as a present. Rumours of a new student newspaper thanks to new rag. The Ord translated in his ears.A funny joke about the Iraqi SEPTEMBER circulate. Martin reaches puberty,Will into 7 different countries. Substandard information minister yet to emerge. Sells keys on eBay for a fiver.The 11th is gets an extension to his visa:The Ordinary “satirical” publication Private Eye refus- New sexed-up Easter proves popular. somewhat of an anticlimax – turned out is born. Four people are reported to es Martin and Will work experience. MAY to be just a couple of seagulls flying be- have laughed out loud. Rachel from DECEMBER Sticky screen Rest of world stops as revision sets in. hind the UL.Will gets a new chatroom King’s wets herself while wearing her Private Eye ceases to exist after no one PISS OFF Quiet Period begins in Kelsey Kerridge girlfriend,cyber_chick69,only for MSN best mate’s kecks. buys their bumper Christmas issue. From the bursar: Make sure you have already left your room for the Christmas vacation or I’ll set the dogs Electricty, metal, plastic and human on you. Shame. agency combine to pedict best year yet SEMI-AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL Cor! It’s 2004 From the fellow next door: Leave Future Shocker “I was sure I’d logged off,” Cressida attempts to predict the quality of life of Secondly, Greg can guarantee that your dirty football boots outside your Claire Voyant Finer,a researcher in future studies,told the average Cambridge student.And the you will become more attractive to one room, will you? If I didn’t have con- the award-winning Ord.“Darned ‘Brecon news is good.According to Rumpole of the opposite sexes,resulting in an as- fidence issues I’d go to the dean. A crack team from the Cambridge Beacons by night’ screensaver.” Storey,37,head of the forgotten-about- sociated improvement of bedroom ac- Faculty of Fate and Happenstance No of course that in itself is not the until-recently project, 2004 is set to be tivity and explosive sexual performance. TIME TRAVEL CLUB were speaking louder than the gen- news.This is though: these recently the best year ever in all history. “I for one can’t wait,” added Storey. The Cambridge University Time- eral hubbub this week after results splurged results are from a comput- “Well,probably,” said Storey.“It’s un- Finer takes up the thread:“Also,that Travel Club met tomorrow. If you splurged out of a computer that erised model created by a man with san- likely to surpass 1726 for obvious rea- incident with the banana and the Eskimo missed the meeting last week, you still had been left running since June. dals and some fungal inflammation,which sons.” that perpetually haunts your dreams,and can go, but make sure you don’t “That Jonny Wilkinson-Sword fellow has you waking up covered in sweat and change the result of the vote on chut- – he’s amazing isn’t he?” he later clari- blood, screaming, and that your psy- ney bathing, otherwise I’ll get cross. fied. chotherapist can do nothing about… Using confidential data,the model (or well, that won’t materialise in reality in Greg, as someone has written in secu- 2004.There’s always 2005, though.” rity pen on the top of the monitor) “We are also 93% sure that you’ll get has measured trends in students’ shoe- a first class degree next year,” com- sizes, calorific intake, mullet-frequency mented Storey.“And if you’re a finalist and fishfinger habits.Impossibly complex you’re almost certain to walk into a 30 calculations using a technique known as grand a year job in the City,you soulless ‘long division’ were then carried out rankster.” to predict the greatness of 2004. “We at the faculty, however,cannot So what can we expect in this new guarantee that that strange scarring year? on your inner thigh will have cleared up ‘Watch’ this space “Firstly,at least one of everyone’s su- by this time next year,” warned Finer. TRAMP pervisors will die,” revealed Finer.“This Well,there you go.No point making From your RAG reps: Christmas is will be sad,unless it’s Dr.Muffduster,but any resolutions in the New Year,2004’s coming, the geese are getting fat. A you won’t have to write that essay on gonna be great.Let’s party like it’s near- penny in the old man’s hat? You stingy TOP BANANA:Yes, 2004, in certain circumstances, will float your boat plumbing by-laws.” ly the preceding December. git. Seasonal greetings, presents, and leftovers welcome at [email protected] STYLE EDITORS: SARA NAGUIB AND NICOLE GOLDSTEIN 16 Nov 28, 2003 www.varsity.co.uk

Season’s Greetings

Stylists: Nicole & Daisy Photographer: Ria Cooke Left to right: Aeisha: Black Dress £250 Bowns, Fur Gilet £40 Dixi’s Market Stall. Naomi: Silver Halterneck £10 Dixi’s. White Gloves £10.99 Robert Sayle. Kirty: Dress £125 Reiss, Scarf £1 Oxfam, Pink Gloves £11.99 Robert Sayle. Elaine: Headscarf £4.99 Accessorise, Black Dress £15 Save the Children, Necklace £45 Nomad. Ed: Jacket £10 Oxfam, Yellow Scarf £10 Marks and Spencer. Sam: Trilby £22 Market, Shirt £79 Reiss, Black Jacket (part of suit) £395 Reiss, Cords £69 Reiss. Oscar: Levi Cut Offs £20 Market, Jacket designed by Jess, Scarf £1 Oxfam, Trilby £18 Market, Fan £12 Ebay. Lizzie: Dress designed by Jess, Hat £30 Robert Sayle, Gloves £10.99 Robert Sayle. EDITOR: RONOJOY DAM ARTS FRONT www.varsity.co.uk ARTSNov 28, 2003 17 Remote controlled Varsity reminds you of the delights of TV

Thankfully, the whole academ- 2. Nothing is Really Real. room and asked them to ‘debate’ ter. It’s the guffawing that gives the spective with regards to your own ic ethos of Cambridge should I recently discovered a great current affairs. It’s such a hilarious game away. That’s how you can tell pathetic little problems. In fact, the have already thoroughly dis- show called Prime Minister’s show that they sometimes show they don’t really care about what programme should properly be ti- missed the notion that you learn Question Time on the Parliament clips of the funniest bits on the 6 o’- they’re talking about and as soon tled ‘Trisha: (I Know I’m Gonna about life by actually experi- channel. From what I can tell it’s clock News. You must have seen it. as they’re back in the pub, they’ll Flunk Out Of University Cos I encing it. ‘Bollocks!’ says your some kind of reality TV show, but Occasionally one tramp will wake all be mates again. Great TV. Watch Too Much TV, But Thank DOS, ‘You learn about things by instead of attractive twenty-some- suddenly from his drunken slum- 3. Ugly People Have Sex Too God I’m not that Uggers!!!)’. This sitting alone in your pit reading things in an Ikea-furnished bun- ber shout an incomprehensible in- I learnt this from watching is either a message of hope or a books about The Underlying galow, the programme makers sult at no one in particular. This in- Trisha. Apparently they also do it source of early morning nausea, Theory of Things written by me, have rounded up a bunch of pissed stigates a low football hooligan lots and they do it dirrrrty. I’m sure depending on whether you happen twenty years ago when I was a old tramps from local pubs, put rumbling of ‘Oi Oi’ etc that gradu- there’s also a lesson in there some- to be ugly or not. clueless grad sitting in my pit’. them in a World Of Leather show- ally builds into full scale laugh- where about gaining some per- Ellen E. Jones Hence, it shouldn’t be too much of a painful ideological stretch to accept the central principle of this article - the three most profound lessons life has to

teach us can only be learned Grace Ofori-Attah by watching daytime television. 1. All Good Things Must Come to an End While Aristotle was banging on about the need to accept change as far back as the fourth century BC, nothing really brings home the mes- sage with such depressing clarity as watching re-runs of once great sit- coms in their umpteenth series. Otherwise known as ‘Fourth Series Syndrome,’ this is the creeping sen- sation of stagnancy experienced in all areas of life when you finally re- alise the heyday is over, all the orig- inal heroes are dead or moved on, and all that’s left behind is you and a bunch of starbuckaneering young upstarts locked in a groundhog day of doomed attempts at recreating the past. Is there any more potent symbol of the miserable depths into which humanity can sink than the freakishly overgrown Screech still frolicking round the Bayside lock- er room in series 473 of Saved By The Bell? No there isn’t.

Many college JCRs have had you to morph into John Simpson of a Robot Wars for people who played “amazingly realistic computer gener- was all part of the plan just as the light Digital for some time now. The or Richard Blackwood. But for too much Warhammer. Last Monday it ated imagery”. Our heroes are in com- Gothic cavalry ambush from the bush- broadcast revolution has finally those of us who are not so for- was the turn of a team of lib-dem coun- mand of the very poorly animated es, they head for the Roman flank with arrived and we are at last at lib- tunate, those of who are stuck cillors from Milton-Keynes led by the Roman army of Flavius Valens and all the subtlety of Kat Slater’s stylist erty to watch The God Channel with a merely ‘terrestrial’service indomitable Rex. They pitted their wits must face the equally badly animated and it is all over. or Men and Motors until we fin- of four and a bit channels, for us against a piece of “incredibly sophis- army of the Goth lord Tertigger. The I am left emotionally drained, the ish that dissertation about pop- Christmas has come early, and it’s ticated military programming” in a re- tension mounts as Rex’s simple yet excitement of the previous half hour ular culture.There is even the oc- on BBC 2. play of the battle of Adrianople (397 brilliant plan is thwarted by the in- coursing through my body, I can al- casional set-top box in students’ All I want for Christmas is to be on AD). The presenter, Eddie Mair, is competency of his lieutenants, “bring most hear amazingly realistic com- rooms these days; generally it is Time Commanders, the “exciting new what passes for eye-candy in this the archers forward, why are the cav- puter generated war drums ringing in Freeview, which as we all know history show…which attempts to show, and as he self-assuredly struts alry so far to the left?” he cries inef- my ears. I don’t need Digital television, is: “a new service from the BBC overturn the past with the aid of the around the enormous map of the bat- fectually as legion after legion are mer- I can wait for Fight Box to appear on allowing you to receive six new latest technology”. Finally they have tlefield we are reminded of John Leslie cilessly cut down by the fury of the terrestrial, I have all the excitement I BBC channels, amongst others, put something on normal telly which in his prime. He entreats the team to amazingly realistic computer gener- need after The Fresh Prince on a for a one of payment of around should never have left the ethereal pay close attention to the “massive, ated Goth arms. Eddie sidles up and Monday. See you in the JCR. £90”and also apparently allows plane of mid afternoon BBC 3. Think specially built screen” which uses laconically inquires as to whether this Will Dunbar ARTS: MUSIC EDITOR: ELLEN E. JONES 18 Nov 28, 2003 www.varsity.co.uk Rare? Medium Rare? Well Done. Oh Chan. Poor, defenceless Forget NatSci vs Mathmo,Trinity vs John’s: This beef’s for real... Chan. Bill Callaghan (allegedly) left you reeling; the dreams of a Eminem has last week been ac- retaliated in the way every self-re- been solved. Concern about the Ja ers. His present remorse for his pre- thousand boys in thick-rimmed cused of racism by US hip-hop specting emcee should: dissed Rule/50 Cent beef is such that Louis vious behaviour is enough to satis- specs sent over-optimistic sparks magazine The Source, who have Benzino on his records. On two re- Farrakhan has decided to intervene fy most accusers. But Benzino seems of unrequited affection flying once discovered a recording allegedly cent tracks he calls him “the softest, and dispense advice, seemingly to want more: more uproar, more again. ‘Nobody, oh nobody knows made in his early teens. In a press fakest, wanna-be ganster in New based on his days as a Calypso publicity, and of course, more my pain’, you whisper. They feel conference Source co-editor Ray York” and even accuses him of singer (naturally). record sales. Let’s hope he fades into every shred of your cello-drenched Scott played two tapes, in which a pimping his son. But is this a genuine Benzino and Eminem are clearly insignificance even faster than his agony, you fool. Your Danelectro rapper describing himself as feud, or just a publicity stunt? engaged in such a beef, so should allegations will. wears all the scars of the heartbro- Eminem denigrates black women. There’s no doubt that this kind of ri- we treat the allegations as serious ken laments with which it is pun- The first, was only a few lines long, valry increases the public profile of accusations of racism, or just a po- Henry Bowen ished, hanging as a battered dead- but the second, consists of the rappers involved, and probably litical stunt as part of an on-going weight from those burdened Eminem freestyling for several helps to sell more records. But ‘beef’ is feud? Most of the hip-hop commu- Agree? Disagree? If you have some shoulders. There is no fringe on minutes about an unhappy expe- also an integral part of hip-hop, as old nity seems to accept Eminem’s apol- beef of your own with Varsity’s Hip earth quite like yours, Chan, of- rience with a girlfriend who was as the movement itself. Many emcees ogy, and rightly so. Those record- Hop opinions or anything else, email fering shelter to those sad, russet black, including lines such as only get early recognition by defeat- ings were made when he was very [email protected] and we’ll be eyes left bleary from sleepless, “black girls only want your mon- ing others in battles on the mic, which young, long before he was a big star more than happy to diss your mum in whiskey-soaked weeks of anguish. ey ‘cos they’re dumb chicks”. inevitably involve insulting their op- with huge influence over his listen- return. The anti-Southern Belle, you fled Eminem has apologised, ex- ponent as harshly as possible. The im- the Bible Belt for the city, yet your plaining that it was just “foolish- portance of proving yourself the best garbled drawl, hipsters and boots ness” from an “angry, stupid kid”. has frequently led to bitter disputes will tie you to home forever more. The Source, however, doesn’t seem between rival artists . When otherwise You’re as New York as I am, Chan, to accept that; Scott has said “Don’t rappers might churn out another tune and you know it. Will the incessant make this into a double standard... about 40s, blunts and bitches, a good cries of ‘Pretentious!’ ever end? he needs to be accountable.” beef can inspire them to innovate with Not as long as you continue to But what’s that smell? Dig a little their flow and their insults: the famous meltdown onstage, nor if there are deeper and you’ll recognise it: hip- Yo Momma jokes (see caption) display any more covers left to come from hop’s favourite publicity fuel - beef. some of the most cutting wit since the Stones’-Satisfaction-but with no Ray Scott also raps under the name Oscar Wilde. chorus dynasty. But fuck ‘em Benzino, and has a longstanding feud Many high-profile rappers have Chan, they’ll just never under- with Eminem, previously calling him engaged in bitter rivalries, from MC stand. Nor will we ever quite grasp “2003 Vanilla Ice”(surely not a bad Shan and KRS-One right up until the why Messrs Vedder and Grohl thing?) and slightly more offensive- current war between Jay-Z and Nas. were allowed anywhere near You ly, “the rap Hitler”. It seems that The beef between Biggie and Tupac Are Free. But with a soul-choking Benzino perceives that Eminem’s was particularly bitter: Tupac even ‘I want you to be a good man’, all success is a direct result of his skin alleged that he had been having sex- is forgiven. colour, that he gets away with be- ual relations with Biggie’s wife: “So haviour that would be unacceptable I fucked yo’ bitch, you fat mother- for a black rapper, and that he is gen- fucker!”. Tragically, they were both erally wack. Eminem, on his part, has shot dead, and neither crime has “Oh my God! Your lines are, like, sooo wack!” or words to that effect... Single Bells, Single Bells... Jeremy Warmsley and Simon Mastrantone Edwin Lane keeps an eye on the race for Christmas

It may still be November, but al- their droves. Worth a flutter. with mental father for a Christmas The Boatrace, 19th November ready the race is on for the Pop Idol Finalists – Merry Xmas song that ‘reflects the changes in our The phrase ‘singer-songwriter’ is the punchy Treat You Like ADiamond Christmas Number 1 single, when (War Is Over) (8/13) relationship’. Merry f***ing enough to strike fear into the heart of is an uber-glam stomp that I could boy bands, novelty acts and fiction- The traditional grab-all-the-money- Christmas. any hardened muso hack, and usual- have sworn had even the resident al characters alike have a shot at a you-can festive spirit courtesy of Blue / Stevie Wonder / Angie ly the idea of student sub-Coldplays surly locals tapping their feet. The festive fifteen minutes of fame and Simon Cowell’s musical munchkins. Stone – Signed, Sealed, Delivered beating the life out of Jeff Buckley’s swinging set closer, I Want To Celebrate fight it out for the top spot. This Go on, make an obscenely rich man (25/1) legacy is enough to send this corre- You, tops them all, the sound of a pas- year’s race is as hotly contested as even richer and buy it. Extra im- Honest, I’m not making it up. Stevie spondent running to the Aphex Twin- sionate and original talent banging on ever, So get those obligatory sleigh morality points for ripping off a Wonder momentarily loses more curated hills. Thank heavens then for a record company’s door with a hit of bells a-ringin’ as we take a look at murdered rock star. This is favourite sense than his sight and thinks it’s a Jeremy Warmsley and Simon raw new wave spunk. These are two the runners and riders aiming to to win. good idea to duet with ballad-mon- Mastrantone, who both featured on original and outstanding student cash in on the insanity that is a mer- Ozzy & Kelly Osbourne – keys Blue. the bill of The Boat Race’s monthly songwriters that deserve your imme- ry commercial-music Christmas. Changes (40/1) singer-songwriter night. Simon, sans diate attention. Foul-mouthed daughter teams up Edwin Lane his backing band, The Simon SamElliot Cliff Richard – Santa’s List (12/1). Mastrantone Cacophony, opened with www.soundclick.com/jeremywarmsley, After Millenium Prayer you thought an affecting blend of old-fashioned in- www..smastrantone.cjb.net you were safe, but no. He should die blues, his heartfelt songs of bit- have been tried for crimes against terness and love showcasing his vir- humanity long ago, but Sir Cliff tuoso guitar talents and outstanding keeps coming back with more. vocal artistry. His brooding charisma Don’t be fooled by the title either – and presence provides a darker al- Jesus is bound to be involved ternative in a student scene too often somewhere. populated by puppyish, eager to The Darkness – (Christmas Time) please, Chris Martin-wannabes. No Don’t Let The Bells End (7/1) such platitudes from Jeremy Rock buffoons The Darkness seize Warmsley either. A genuine warmth on the opportunity to do something shines through his sublime folksy in- hilariously 70s and ironic and re- die-pop. The Gray And The Green lease a Christmas single. Hilariously would not sound out of place on Belle Artwork courtesy of Ellen E. Jones and some prittstick 70s and ironic people will buy it in and Sebastian’s latest release, while Mike Senior courtesy of Sound on EDITOR: ELLEN E. JONES / ELAINE TIERNEY MUSIC/ LITERATURE www.varsity.co.uk Nov 28, 2003 19 University of Cambridge Philharmonia REVIEWS 15th November,West Road Good Charlotte, The Young and the Hopeless Dec 8th Sony Oliver Seal’s farewell to the UCP times things were rather forthright Shrewd social commentary from the ‘nu-punk upstarts’, or just more shit? opened with the delightful L’Italiana and the delicate cadential motif suf- Following the hilarious Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous (an ‘airplay monster’), overture. The pizzicato strings of fered accordingly. we have this double A-side effort. It’s a slight improvement on its prede- the opening were distinct and con- The final two movements were cessor, but only slight - this is a repetitive, boring and unoriginal nu-metal fident, delicately handled by a con- very well played once the orches- mess, only separated from the mediocrity of the rest of the pack by an at- ductor who distinguished himself tra had hit its stride. Top-notch play- tempt to pick up on some hokey-sounding social issues. We’ve heard it all with a direct interpretation that nev- ing came from across the orchestra it before, again and again and again and again. Hopefully the band will be er approached flamboyance or ego- (the timpanist, so often unmen- able to look back in a few years at this material and laugh with their appar- tism. The clear musical commitment tioned, was spot-on throughout). ently ‘disparaging wit’ So yes, the answer is, simply, shit. Sam Bostock at climactic moments, however, But the overall impression? Tuning made for an exciting performance was occasionally unsettled – the of a fine overture. French horn is a fickle instrument Turbonegro, Sell Your Body To the Night Dec 15th,Burning Heart The concerto was competently and jarred at times, whilst violins Turbonegro are scary. And not in a digestible, blood and guts everywhere, handled – an accomplished soloist and wind lacked confidence in qui- hammer horror kind of way. These peculiar Swedes lurk in odd makeup like delivered a strong performance eter passages. However, the or- the Childsnatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, this song throbbing along from memory, although vibrato chestra was at its best at climactic, behind them like a disgruntled troll. Sell Your Body to the Night sounds like a was somewhat sentimental for my impassioned moments, and this was perverted Joy Division listening to half-speed Queen records and watching taste and definition suffered dur- fine music indeed. snuff films in Jamie Theakston’s favourite deathsex dungeon. Furthermore, ing rapid passages. However, the Daniel Francis the lyrics have the eerie hue of genuine psychosis; the simplephrase ‘Human standard of musicianship of soloist flesh’ is delivered with a dead-eyed gloom that shrivels fresh young student and orchestra alike was generally meat on contact. Absolutely thrilling. very high, and a few awkward tun- ings were lost against a backdrop of fine music. Evanescence, My Immortal Out Now, Sony Beethoven Five is always an au- Finally we become acquainted with another side of the Evanescence sound, a dience winner and the Philharmonia more emotional performance dedicated to a love gone wrong. My Immortal performed with genuine flair. The brings together the intensity of the previous releases’ vocals with more so- allegro was flowing and unindulgent phisticated musical arrangements on the piano and on the backing strings. – at times the players (especially dur- Although clearly the sound is typical of the band, its sentimentality evokes a ing solo passages) strained some- more profound emotional response – as a proper ballad should. Dropping what at the leash but the conductor the heavy guitar riffs for this tune was definitely a step forward in terms of mu- refused to be led. The andante per- ang sical achievements. Not a milestone in modern music, but certainly a touching

haps warranted more sensitivity – at Fan Y song that can be enjoyed. Something has gone Amis Catherine Murray-Browne extols the virtues of reading for fun Martin Amis apparently read (because all there is to an arts degree lous - upon us, why not leave off clock- PURE TRASH Middlemarch in three days. is reading. Obviously). ing up those intellectual brownie REDEEMING Without making any assumptions I would never suggest that the points, and indulge in some shock- 1. Anything by Jilly Cooper The queen of trash, all aspiring about Amis' character, I think it's kinds of books that people plough ingly bad ‘literature’? TRASH fair to say he was not the sort of through in order to appear well read But, I would never recommend any sex-and-shopping novelists should 1. Story of My Life by Jay Oxbridge student you want to find are not enjoyable (Middlemarch is, as Cambridge student to delve into the learn from her masterpieces. MacInerney-and indeed anything Hilarious sex scenes. yourself sitting next to at formal Amis puts it so concisely, "fucking murky world of trash without an ad- else by him. hall (the fact that he worked fif- good") and to see reading simply as equate guide. Not all trash is good Fast-paced prose about fast- 2. Summer Sisters, Judy Blume teen hours a day for his finals af- a "leisure activity" is shortsighted. It's trash. And I, the expert, have compiled paced lives in New York. Lots of Most people will remember her as firms this). Neither would I want not the same as watching TV or going two reading lists to steer you away drugs and sex. Intensely read- the author of amazing teen lit. to make any assumptions about to the pub - it requires more stamina from trash that is frustrating and - the able and very funny. This is her first (and to my knowl- Amis' enjoyment or understand- and concentration than that, but cardinal sin - boring. Trash should be edge, only) novel for adults but has ing of Middlemarch, but reading should never be a chore. Which is so bad it's funny, not so bad it's not fun. 2. About a Boy/High Fidelity by all the same ingredients. Nineteen Nick Hornby. an eight hundred page novel in what it will invariably become if you Here are my personal favourites in summers in the lives of two best Sweet and funny. friends…what could be better? seventy-two hours smacks of the approach books in the same spirit as trash and not-so-trash. All are fun; all kind of joyless devouring of "great you would the washing up. Away out are readable; none will earn you too 3. Marabou Stork Nightmares by 3. Growing up Twice, Rowan works of literature" that is so com- is needed. And, with Christmas - the many brownie points with the intel- Irvine Welsh Coleman mon in Cambridge. Another season of all things kitsch and frivo- lectual elite. Enjoy. Better than and less well read The ultimate in thirty-somethings Penguin Classic consumed, an- than Trainspotting (although sorting out their lives. Makes the other tick on the to-do list. bleaker). list just for the line, "he hovered Another step on the way to being above me…" during a sex scene. a well-rounded person. 4. Notes from a Scandal by Zoë Heller Unfortunately, in a pressured ac- 4. Hill Towns, Anne Rivers Nominated for the Man Booker ademic environment, it's difficult to Seddons Prize this year; manages that Thirty-something couples discover escape those who have this attitude rare feat of being as compulsive themselves on a trip to Italy. to literature and even more difficult and funny as it is accomplished for it not to affect you. There'll al- and intelligent. 5. Anything by Jenny Colgan ways be someone to help you for- To my mind the best of the chick- get why you enjoyed reading books 5. Bridget Jones' Diary and its lit crew, mainly because her books in the first place: whether it's a pos- sequel. are intentionally funny and don't turing English student, or a NatSci Sitting somewhere between lists take themselves quite as seriously one and two. Dubious from a desperate to prove that an arts degree as other pastel-bound epics about s Little Helper feminist perspective; still, very is so easy they could do it alongside "the struggle of women today." funny.

their own proper, grown-up work Santa’ THEATRE EDITOR:A C BERWICK 20 Nov 28, 2003 www.varsity.co.uk Walking in a Winter Wonderland Festive cheer at the ADC! Jonathan Lister promises that yule love it... Pantomime’s great when you’re a mix of wit and electric joviality to dame should. The whole show plays

kid. This fact was certainly born warm even the most chilled of in front of one of the most colourful ADC out by the thirty-something streetwise students. and inventive sets I have seen on the strong group of assembled Every good panto needs a satisfy- Cambridge stage and the costume de- schoolgirls from the Leys, who ing fairy-tale plot and Alice does not sign is similarly enchanting. took up a large proportion of the fail on this score. Set seven years The Footlights Christmas pan- raised seating at the rear of the after Alice’s first venture into tomime has a reputation for playing ADC – they laughed in the right Wonderland, we meet her as a frus- to sell-out audiences over its two- places, cheered in the right trated sales assistant at the local Co- week run. Although the house was places, booed the bad guy, op. Fortunately for Alice (and the au- not quite packed on its opening clapped along to bouncy songs – dience), Alice’s old friend the night, if word-of-mouth is half as ef- all the sorts of things you’re sup- Cheshire Cat appears and whisks her fective as it is made out to be, Alice posed to do when you’re eleven. off to save Wonderland from the in Wonderland will be attracting ca- However, when you’re twenty clutches of the evil Jabberwock. pacity audiences from the week- and somewhat more self-conscious, From here on it’s all silly songs, crazy end onwards. Buy your ticket, go it takes a lot more than a glint of costumes and more comic adlib than and see it and don’t worry, there’s fairy dust and a busty dame to get you could shake a Bandersnatch at. not that much audience participa- you jumping in your seat. So, let me The lead performances were truly tion… tell you right now that the 2003 noteworthy, with Zack Simmons’ an- Footlights Christmas panto, Alice drogynous Queen of Hearts steal- Alice runs at 7.45, every night until in Wonderland, has just the perfect ing the show as, frankly, every panto 6th December, except 30th November A Pane-ful Twist in the Tale In search of... The House With Twisty Windows continuity of the scene in the intimate Simon Calder’s quietly expressive air) depicts a group of British POWs in- Pembroke Cellars, which effectively provokes both his inmates and the au- The Shirley Players’ production sually dressed actors and director on carcerated near Petrograd during avoid becoming claustrophobic. dience to explore the reconciliation of of Luigi Pirandello’s Six the other, with numerous blurred WWII, in an atmosphere taut with This stressed dynamic, fuelled by survival with human empathy. Characters in Search of an meetings in the middle. fear and its essential denial. good individual performances (the This is not a play to watch if you Author is an impressive adap- Some outstanding performanc- James Roper is the archetypal British volatility of Benjamin Deery’s charac- want a bit of a giggle at closing time, tation of an exciting and origi- es dominate this production, most stoic, played with refreshing convic- ter demonstrating pleasing subtle- but is something a little different from nal script. notably Michelle Beeson’s por- tion by James Everest, burying his anx- ty), is disturbed when the enigmatic usual Cambridge drama. Six characters walk unan- trayal of the strong but tragic step- ieties beneath the necessarily trans- Derrick Moore, whose capture would Jonny Sweet nounced onto the set of a play and daughter. Mark Rodgers, who parent veneer of optimism. The play set the others free, is said to be found. tell the director that they have been plays the well-meaning but piti- provides powerful glimpses of psy- This Irish fairy-teller, holding an un- The House... runs at Pembroke, every cruelly abandoned by their own fully weak father, is excellent but chological intensity, deepened by the spoken wisdom (skilfully evoked by night at 10.30, until Saturday author and creator. Unless they are is sometimes rushed, as though the given the opportunity to act out script is simply too much for him. their already written roles, they Considering the risk that is run Simply too good to be true have no purpose and are as good when putting on such a difficult as dead. The director is finally per- play, I feel that this production Beware of superlative reviews – the touch and no small amount of grace. noise and about silence, and like a suaded and allows each of their in- does do justice to the original work. reviewer may be a friend of the Minghella touches upon both the great piece of music it has the beauty dividual dramas to be staged, but If you think that this postmodernist director, a lover or even just a syco- empathetic nature of humanity and its of notes on a blank page: the most sim- on the condition that he uses his extravaganza sounds complicated, phant afraid to damn the slack and callousness, and in her reading of the ple and beautiful of contrasts. own actors. imagine how confused I felt: I was inept. I am none of those things. text director Saraid Dodd has creat- I don’t need to sing this play’s This complex and philosophical at the dress rehearsal! With this wonderful, life-affirm- ed a beautifully realised vision. Her praises; it speaks – and often does- intertwining of truth and fiction, of ing piece, superlatives are desper- actors are – in the briefest of descrip- n’t speak – for itself. See it at all costs. reality and illusion, of being and be- Giulia Miller ately needed but nonetheless fall tions – amazing and there is not one Mic Wright coming, is thoughtfully presented in short. This is a play about the minu- disappointing performance amongst a minimalist yet symmetrical man- Six Characters runs at St. Chad’s tiae of life and love, which makes its them: these are the new professionals. Cigarettes and Chocolate is the ner: the six characters in black, a Octagon, 7.30, every night until Saturday points with a gentle but powerful Above all things, this is a play about ADC late show until Saturday tableau on one side, versus the ca- Prince Albert Truly Egg-ceptional

The ADC was packed last world around him and the people in A Day in the Death of Joe Egg by Director Chris Adams has skil- Natalie Trangmar plays the chain- Wednesday night for the fresh- it inexorably drag him down. This Peter Nichols concerns the tri- fully integrated emotive scenes smoking, disapproving stuck up ers’ late show, Albert’s Bridge; it would have been clearer had the pro- als that Bri and his wife Sheila with stand-up comedy, re-enact- bitch Pam superbly – watch out es- was a perfect play for post-formal duction made a greater contrast be- must endure in caring for their ments and audience interaction. pecially for her Daily Mail mono- revellers, with interesting char- tween the realistic Albert and the sym- severely disabled daughter Joe. Special attention must go to Oliver logue – whilst Richard J Thomas acters, short snappy scenes, and bolic caricatures around him. The lack Described as a ‘darkly comic Rickman as Bri, who through hi- is animated as her husband, plenty of funny bits. of progression in his character became masterpiece’, the play definite- larious facial expressions, body Freddie: the caring socialist failing Most of the parts, in fact, were more apparent as the play focused on ly treads the thin line between language, and accents becomes an miserably in his attempts to help cameo comedy roles, and actors in- him, a shame after a cracking start. tragedy and hilarity. old incompetent doctor, German Bri and Sheila. cluding Dan Mansell (Fitch) and Sam The set was artistic as well as con- paediatrician and vicar all in one Finally, credit should be given to Kitchener (Fraser) energetically vincing and the technical team fre- glorious sketch. Indeed, he almost Lucy Barwell as Joe, who sensitive- played off of their audience’s obvi- quently and smoothly refocused at- steals the show. ly portrays the crippled child hav- ous appreciation. It was beautiful to tention to different parts of the stage. Almost. The rest of the cast are, ing fits. With a week to go this play be part of such a goodwill exchange. The creative staging and careful cos- Chris Adams however, excellent. Lucy Bond as is already looking well worth seeing. Fresh out of university, Albert tume and prop choice helped em- Sheila – Bri’s long-suffering wife – (Thomas Eccleshare) agrees to spend phasise the comedy and kept the au- balances the mix of comic and John D Mills the next eight years painting a bridge. dience entertained. An impressively tragedy successfully, whereas Over time his charming and amusing slick production, but lacking soul. Rickman is perhaps more suited to Joe Egg runs at the Playroom, 7.00, naïveté is torn to pieces by real life; the Emma Rose McGlone the comic aspects of the play. 2nd-6th December EDITOR:A C BERWICK THEATRE www.varsity.co.uk Nov 28, 2003 21 All Dolled Up Wasp all that about, then? Don’t get me wrong, I like ex- and Jeremy Jameson), whose house ory: a stylish, minimalist set, con- perimental theatre. When I is infested with wasps. Through their temporary dance and techno music, Which ones are going to be heard the Marlowe Society were fear, paranoia and eventual de- if well executed, could have made staging John Kinsella’s new struction, the play attempts to ex- this an exciting, innovative piece of big this Christmas? piece, The Wasps, a ‘fusion of plore madness, sickness and human theatre. But I saw no evidence of dance, trance and poetry’, I was reactions to outsiders. The problem any directorial cohesion uniting A Doll’s House, perhaps Ibsen’s and their identities: by the end of the excited. Sure enough, the indi- is, though, that nothing quite hangs those ideas, let alone making any most famous play, is a masterwork play we are left only with a white vidual elements are in there, but together. The wasps, which should kind of statement. of domestic drama, articulating doorframe and a revealing spotlight unfortunately, I saw no evidence have been the play’s thematic and The different approaches to dance the purpose of feminism and the as the illusion of the family’s har- of ‘fusion’. visual focus, instead disappear into and music suggested that the di- evils posed by patriarchy. It is a mony dissolves, and the Doll’s The play tells the story of couple the background. Neither their danc- rector had two completely differ- work of real sophistication and House is no longer viable. Shirley and Bill (Stephanie Cohen ing, nor their costumes, nor the cou- ent ideas of what wasps are like. importance and so it proves even In some areas a bit more risk-taking ple’s reactions to their presence cre- This, a weak script and unconvinc- more satisfying to see such a skil- would have been welcome, perhaps ated any real tension. I didn’t believe ing acting make this a production ful representation of it by BATS. in accentuating the sexual tension be- that they were wasps, or that they where every element is, quite liter- The acting was almost exclusively tween Dr. Rank and Nora and making posed a threat. Without this, it was ally, out of synch. commendable, with a pivotal per- Torvald’s lustful approaches to Nora impossible to be convinced by the Hazel Pearson formance by Alice Harper as Nora: she more threatening in the final scenes. story, or by the deeper ideas which was able to command the stage and Moreover, in places Harper does not it sought to explore. The Wasps runs at Queens’ Theatre, the script with a great authority. She quite reach the desperate levels of anx- A lot of the ideas did work in the- Emma, 8, every night until Saturday was amply supported by Will James iety necessary: some more melodra- in the thrillingly patronising role of ma could have worked well. Torvald Helmer, her imperious hus- These are, though, quibbles about Tis pity she’s a Ho’ Ho’ Ho’ band, while the more peripheral char- an altogether excellent production acters held their scenes flawlessly. spiritedly acted. Incest, violence and suffering Chapel. It is a strikingly atmos- The production itself is a mixed The staging was effective, with an Oliver Tilley are always thrilling, and JCDS’ pheric venue, but the acoustics at bag; the doomed but beautiful re- impressive use of disintegrating light production of John Ford’s Tis times worked against the actors lationship is elegantly portrayed helping to emphasise and parallel A Doll’s House runs at Queens’ Pity She’s A Whore proved en- when they were unfortunately and lingers in the mind after the the decomposition of the characters Fitzpatrick Theatre, 7.45, until Saturday tertaining, to say the least. In a drowned out by their own echoes. curtain falls, but Soranzo’s de- gruelling bloodbath of vice and In a work underscored with structive manservant is not nearly revenge, the cast did their best killings, there was a tendency to- reptilian enough and the cardinal to bring emotional depth to a wards clumsy death scenes which who hurriedly tidies up the affair play which can easily become detracted somewhat from the ulti- is po-faced and rather stilted. wildly hysterical. mate impact. The cringe-induc- The action is energetic and en- Ford’s richly symbolic language ingly messy demise of Hugh thusiastic, but the on-stage clatter- thrived in the intense monologues Sheppard’s deliciously obnoxious ing was exhausting and leaves the delivered by lead Joe Marsh, whose fop, Soranzo, face first into a choco- audience thinking ‘tis pity they brooding dissatisfaction with life late gateau, and some pretty toe- didn’t do it slightly differently. and God took strength from the im- curling angina raised a smile, if not posingly gothic backdrop of Jesus the roof. Harriet Walker Bardolicious. Well, not really...

If you are a Shakespearian and Cressida has no emotional im- musical favourites and the surpris- purist, then Troilus and pact. Troilus never confronts ingly off-colour jokes. The cast have Cressida, performed this week Cressida over her presumed infi- done a wonderful job and deserve by the Ariel Society and CADS delity, and thus the love story which a large audience. at New Court Theatre, Christ’s forms the core of the play is unre- Carrie English College, is not for you.The nor- solved and unsatisfying. But as long mally four-hour drama has been as you are not coming hoping to be Troilus and Cressida runs every whittled down to a mere two, reduced to tears, you will enjoy the night until Saturday, 9.15 and transformed from a Trojan ett War tragedy into a WWI musi- cal, complete with a show-stop- ping rendition of It’s a Long opham

Way to Tipperary. Duncan Barr That said, I can’t remember ever James T “Is that a gun in your pocket?...” having as much fun at a Shakespearian tragedy. The pro- Guys and Dolls is one of the clas- eation is more important than an duction was energetic, funny, and sic musicals, with a plot dark impressive range. well-acted, in particular Jon enough to escape schmaltz. Roxana Adle is a flirtatious Grossman’s Pandarus. Between Somehow a woman who can’t get Adelaide and makes her Lament an- scenes, Rachel Grahame - a sultry her man to marry her, a failing gry and needy and sassy all at the Helen of Troy - sang Great War hits Salvation Army mission and il- same time. Tim Rothwell’s Sky like Over There, accompanied by legal card games combine with Masterson, meanwhile, gives Luck a talented pianist who frequently bad puns and perfect songs to Be a Lady the right sense of urgency. played in complete darkness. make a show that leaves you But the success of the musical is Production designer Alex Pashby feeling happy. down to the energy and charm of created an impressive set which Normally with musicals you the whole cast, rather than to indi- managed to suggest trenches with have to wince through the dialogue vidual performances. only khaki-coloured backdrops and and wake up with the songs; here This isn’t the most professional or sandbags, and the authentic-seem- the whole thing flows and fortu- challenging piece on in town, but it ing military costumes added credi- nately this cast can act as well as might well be the most uplifting. bility to the show. they can sing. Okay, so some of Ann Fielding This is not to suggest that the pro- them can act better than they can duction was perfect—far from it— sing, but these are the kind of songs Guys and Dolls runs at Pembroke but the show’s biggest flaw was no where delivering character delin- Cellars, 7.30, every night until Saturday one’s fault but Shakespeare’s. Troilus SPORT EDITORS: SHANAZ MUSAFER AND ALEX DRYSDALE 22 Nov 28, 2003 www.varsity.co.uk

Gavin Mid-season predictions and why Versi Arsenal will win the Premiership

At the start of the season Arsenal played a resolve seldom seen at eleven, and Arsenal predictably de- at least three points clear at you can replace Hasselbaink and could be backed at 2/1 to win the Highbury since the infamous 1-0 wins feated them last month – again with Christmas, by which time the tal- Gudjonsson with Crespo and Mutu, Premiership. Amazingly, despite of the George Graham era. To take 10 players missing. ismanic Vieira will be back. whilst their rivals field youth players, them being top of the pile and re- out of a possible 12 points against Man United’s squad may be superior, But the main reason why Arsenal it’s theirs for the taking. maining unbeaten having played Utd, Liverpool, Newcastle and but on the occasions they’ve rested are going to win the title is because In Europe, I fancy Juventus for the their four main rivals, that price Chelsea is enough to suggest they players, it has often ended in disaster. they possess the world’s best play- Champions League. I must admit, I is still available. should be favourites, but to do so with Let me dispel the myth that Bolton’s er. I have thought this for over a backed Real at the start of the season. It is indicative of bookmakers’ and a depleted team is remarkable. The 3- consecutive wins at Old Trafford were year now. Variously described as But seeing Seville tear them apart a the media’s misunderstanding of 0 win over Birmingham at the week- amongst the greatest successes in “frightening”, “awesome” and even fortnight ago (Los Meringues were 4- Arsenal’s quality. The typical charge end – who erstwhile boasted the third Premiership history: Alex Ferguson “a freak”, Thierry Henry is as good 0 down at the break) reminded me of levelled at Arsene Wenger and Co is best home defensive record in the gave those points away by arrogant- as it gets. His pace and power are their defensive shortcomings – and that they lack mettle and will ulti- Premiership – was achieved without ly fielding weakened teams. Wenger breathtaking, whilst his vision and they have no quality cover at the back mately falter. Witness their 2-2 draw the likes of Vieira, Wiltord, Lauren, can’t afford to do the same, which, par- passing are similarly faultless. He’s whatsoever. Juventus unravelled them at Bolton last term, or surrendering of Parlour and Keown. adoxically, is to his team’s advantage. not a bad finisher either. quite brilliantly last season, and I ex- points at Aston Villa (both of which This pours scorn on the argument A glance at their forthcoming Though I don’t think they’ll win the pect the Italian giants to make amends would have probably won them the that they lack strength in depth. Sure fixtures, especially when compared Premiership, I believe Chelsea will for last year’s penalty shoot-out heart- title) and that argument looks valid. Chelskov may have twenty world- to Man Utd and Chelsea’s, makes take the Carling Cup. It’s not the most break by winning this year’s edition However, this term they have dis- class players, but you can only field me believe that the Gunners will be daring prediction I know, but when of club football’s premier competition. SPORT IN BRIEF Top Catz dog it out to lead table COLLEGE FOOTBALL

Fencing Mike Henson and Ben Reeve Sam Richardson

The Men’s 1sts confirmed their position on top of the BUSA Premier Catz went top of the College League with demolitions of Oxford 131-90 and Aberystwyth 135-71 on football league with a 1-0 win Saturday. They still have two games in hand over second placed team over Downing, while John’s con- University of London. Meanwhile the Women’s 1sts began their season tinued their title push with a 2- with a triangular match at the weekend. They easily dispatched of Bristol, 0 victory against Trinity. Reading and UCL over the two days of competition. Both teams are now Just prior to kick off Downing looking forward to their Winter Training Camp in Milan, Italy. closed ranks into a pre-match huddle, yet by the end of ninety tight, breath- less minutes it was claret and blue Cross Country Cuppers knots of jubilant Catz players that dot- ted the pitch as their team moved top. Treacherous conditions underfoot, combined with England’s win in Under a squally sky, on a converted the Rugby World Cup, didn’t put off the competitors in Cross Country rugby pitch, it was the close fought John’s James Bryan nods the ball back into Trinity’s dangerzone Cuppers. With Andy Bell and Alex McIntosh both finishing in the top nature of the game, rather than a dis- closing out the game in a more re- a great opportunity, which he tucked ten, Queens’ took the men’s title with John’s in second and Jesus third. play of attractive football or indi- laxed fashion as they found the away neatly from 10 yards. The Caius’ ladies proved victorious, closely followed by Newnham vidual skill, that enthralled. gaps left at the back by an increas- Militant home support from the and Queens’ Rowan Hooper won the men’s race, finishing the six-mile Downing had the better of the ingly desperate Downing. touchline berated the nervous looking course in a time of 33:33. Peterhouse’s Ellen Leggatte dominated the opening exchanges, occasionally Ultimately however it was an Trinity side, who did well not to con- women’s race to win by nearly a minute. managing to find some composure unfaltering combination of con- cede a second, as both Starling and in a pinball midfield. The solitary centration and determination in de- Nick Pantelides came close. goal was the climax to a rare peri- fence, embodied in the combative, Trinity started the second half College hockey od of Catz pressure, as Abdur cajoling Mills, which pushed Catz positively and pinned John’s deep Modoni swept in a shot from the into pole position. into their own half, with Thomas In hockey, Helen Gunn’s Jesus took control of the women’s league this week- edge of the area. In what was billed as “The biggest Cheongvee testing the keeper. The end. The defending champions beat the hitherto-undefeated Catz side 2-0. Downing pressed forward in the game of the league calendar” by home team sealed the fixture as In the men’s league, Magdalene retained pole position after beating Catz second half, yet for all their pos- Trinity Captain Rob Ogilvie, a confi- Chris Griffiths’ strike somehow 2-0. Elsewhere, Emma drew 2-2 with Sidney, and Caius beat Robinson 2-0. session and pressure there were few dent display from fired-up John’s left found its way in via the post and It was a poor week for Robinson, whose women’s team laughably didn’t genuine opportunities to level. The their arch-rivals still without a point keeper Jack Willis. turn up for their game against Jesus II because they didn’t want to play in lively midfield pair of Stokes and in the top division. Pantelides could have made it three the rain. In men’s Division Two, Christ’s maintained their 100% record with Dewhurst came as close as any, Confident opening play from or four in the closing minutes, as John’s a 5-0 victory over Fitz in the league and a 4-3 cuppers win over Downing. with a dipping long-range attempt John’s put the boys in blue on the back reaffirmed their title ambitions, leav- and a sliced volley respectively. foot, and a mishit clearance 10 minutes ing Trinity badly needing points to se- Indeed Catz could easily have been in left John’s striker Alex Starling with cure their Division One status.

Men’s Hockey - Div 1 Women’s Hockey - Div 1 Men’s Rugby - Div 1 Women’s Rugby - Div 1 Men’s Football - Div 1 P W D L GF GA Pts P W D L GF GA Pts P W D L F A Pts P W D L GD Pts P W D L GF GA Pts Magdalene 4 4 0 0 14 2 8 Jesus 3300509 St John’s 5 5 0 0 216 22 20 Trinity 2 2 0 0 +54 4 Catz 33001019 Robinson 5 3 0 2 31 13 6 Caius 3210917 Jesus 5 4 0 1 131 45 17 St John’s 1 1 0 0 +38 2 Girton 3 2 1 0 4 1 7 Caius 3300936 Catz 2200806 Downing 4 2 0 2 77 58 10 Churchill 1 1 0 0 +15 2 Darwin 5 2 1 2 5 10 7 Emma 5 2 1 2 10 18 5 Trinity 4 1 2 1 4 3 5 P’house/Selwyn 5 1 0 4 43 166 8 Clare/Tit Hall 0 0 0 0 0 0 Downing 3 1 0 2 12 4 3 Jesus 3 2 0 1 13 4 4 Girton 3 1 1 1 2 4 4 Fitz 5 1 0 4 38 196 8 Caius 1 0 0 1 -15 0 St John’s 2 1 0 1 5 2 3 St John’s 2 2 0 0 10 4 4 Emma 2101223 Catz 4 1 0 3 61 64 7 Emma 1 0 0 1 -22 0 Fitz 2101333 Cam City 3 2 0 1 9 3 4 New Hall 3 1 0 2 2 4 3 Girton 1 0 0 1 -32 0 Jesus 2101143 Sidney 3 1 1 1 6 7 3 Queens’ 3 0 2 1 1 2 2 Queens’ 1 0 0 1 -38 0 Long Road 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 Catz 5 1 0 4 8 15 2 Fitz 4 0 0 4 0 15 0 Trinity 2 0 0 2 0 3 0 Pembroke 3 0 0 3 2 11 0 Pembroke 2 0 0 2 0 12 0 Queens’ 3 0 0 3 1 16 0 Downing 3 0 0 3 4 21 0 Visit our newly redesigned website at www.varsity.co.uk EDITORS: SHANAZ MUSAFER AND ALEX DRYSDALE SPORT www.varsity.co.uk Nov 28, 2003 23 Should it all be about the money?

from management consultancy firms fondly about a sepia-tinted amateur because I can take a sabbatical after – Northampton, Harlequins, Bath,” Andy Fifield offering around twice the money. It past, but you can hardly blame him my training. That would give me a says Aki Abiola, the Blues rugby is an agonising choice, but his mind for being tempted. With most un- chance to pursue hockey.” winger. “I had a difficult decision be- There are few sights more de- seems almost made up. dergraduates amassing five-figure Parker is lucky. Most of his fellow cause a lot of my friends were going pressing than the Wilberforce “The main factor affecting my sit- debts, a £30,000-plus starting salary finalists will have only one chance to off to play professional rugby and Road sports complex when it is uation is that the money you can is enough to get even the most firm- crack the world of professional sport, telling me that I should do the same. framed by leaden skies and satu- But I felt it was important to finish my rated by scudding rain. The studies and keep my options open.” prospect of a drenching has made Schoolboys of the future may not the faces of the Blues hockey get that chance. This is now the age of

squad, assembling for their game Shanaz Musafer academies, where talented young against Harleston last Saturday, as players are immersed in their sports dark as the clouds. Only Jamie from the moment they can kick, hit or Parker, the team’s inspirational throw a ball. Will it be all but impos- midfielder, seemed to be relishing sible for university graduates to go into the monsoon-like conditions. professional sport in the future? “What’s that film?” he mused, out “Definitely,” replied Shankar. loud. “The Happy Gilmore?” His voice “Combining sport with studying is acquired a jockish twang as he now an anachronism: the view seems plucked a quote from thin air. “I’ve to be that if you want youngsters to been put on this world for one rea- achieve Jonny Wilkinson-type per- son – to play hockey!” fection, then you need to make sport Parker’s passion for the sport is re- their lives from an early age. freshing, and could yet lead him to University won’t come into it.” commit to it full-time once he has It is a dispiriting view, but it completed his medical training, but helps to explain why Cambridge is he is one of a dying breed. Fewer and recruiting players from far-flung fewer of Cambridge’s brightest sport- corners of the globe. The Blues rug- ing prospects are deciding to take by squad is littered with their talents into the professional are- Antipodean talent, and the cricket na, opting instead for the financial se- club have worked hard to establish AV curity of jobs in the City. P links with New Zealand. You only Take Adrian Shankar. The Blues earn playing county cricket simply minded go boggle-eyed. Even and decision-time is looming. hope that the desire for immediate cricket captain spent last summer isn’t enough,” he said. “For me, the Parker admits that the issue of fi- Pressure comes from all sides; parents, success will not blind sports ad- turning out for the Worcestershire only point of playing cricket is to get nancial security is a pressing one. university careers advisers, employ- ministrators to the long-term con- second team and has been offered a into the England team, so I have to “I can understand people being ers and, of course, the clubs them- sequences for Cambridge sport. contract by the county once he grad- judge whether or not I am good worried over the financial implica- selves, who are now urging young- uates at the end of this academic enough. It’s a big decision.” tions,” he acknowledged. “I just sters to forgo university entirely. For more from Jamie Parker, Adrian year. There is just one problem: ly- Shankar’s approach may be don’t think of it like that. However, “After I finished school, I was of- Shankar and Aki Abiola, please visit ing next to it on the table are offers anathema to those who reminisce I’m in an easier position than some fered deals by a few Premiership clubs www.varsity.co.uk/sport Canoe Club homeless as Caius Boat Club expands The Canoe Club was founded in Milton says,”It is such a shame. Upper Cam, above the Mill Pond, custom built boathouse, the Canoe Amanda Turner 1970 and is an active and growing The club has been going from may be the way forward. Punting Club has no premises of its own and club. The club welcomes beginners strength to strength over the past is the main activity on the Backs has to rely on generosity - something The University Canoe Club is be- and over 60 people have been learn- few years. We’ve had a record in- and rowing on the Lower River. To which can be withdrawn at very ing made homeless. For the past 10 ing to canoe each week this term. The take this term on our beginners base canoeing on the Upper River short notice. Will we ever see the day years the club has operated from current membership stands at around courses. People who took their first would seem like the logical pro- of co-ordinated sport for Cambridge two small sheds kindly lent to them 200. You can find canoeists on the Cam few strokes in a canoe from those gression. However securing the students? Or does a sport need a 200- by Caius College Boat Club. every day of the week and the num- sheds have been paddling with land and the funding for such a year tradition to survive in However with the expansion of the ber of active members is more than us in the French Alps. Caius has project will be extremely difficult. Cambridge? Time will tell. Caius Boat Club the Canoe Club equivalent to a college boat club. Just been very generous in accommo- This situation highlights one of If you know of anyone who may has been asked to leave.The list of like a boat club the canoe club needs dating us for 10 years. However we the problems of colleges being so be able to help out the club then sports on offer at the University storage next to the river to function. are now really stuck. “ central to sport in Cambridge. Whilst please contact their Commodore, may be about to get shorter. The club Commodore Andy In the long term a solution on the almost every college has access to a Andy Milton, apfm2. Lacrosse boys lose brutal encounter Varsity Rugby Competition The answer is lacrosse and as the Agoal from Nick Gonzalez was lit- BLUES LACROSSE Blues lost comfortably to Buckhurst tle consolation for Cambridge's efforts Win the complete Varsity Rugby day out Hill, I was then told that in this par- as the opposition crept into double fig- ticular game there were no "take ures. The rain was lashing down and To win tickets to both the Twickenham match and the Official Varsity Adam Edelshain outs". There is a rule where you can the pitch was a mud pit by half time. Ball with the players at Café de Paris, just answer the question below: BLUES 1 effectively knock your opponent Those in the crowd that had come to completely off his feet, very similar support were a little distressed when Which former Cambridge Blue led England to victory in this year’s BUCKHURST HILL 12 to ice hockey. When added to the they lost feeling in their hands only Hong Kong sevens? other legal moves, such as hitting five minutes into the first quarter. I have never seen so many individ- your opponent anywhere with your However, the game was cer- To enter e-mail [email protected]. Closing date: midnight Tuesday. uals sent off in a single game. One stick (apart from the head) as long as tainly entertaining and after 80 Last week’s winner: Stephanie Clarke. of the players hit his opposing it looks like you might be trying to minutes of smooth passing, won- number on the head with his stick hit their stick, I was horrified. I derful moves from both teams and The Official Varsity Ball several times and was back on the thought I might have discovered a some incredibly brutal (and a few pitch only a minute later.What sort sport to challenge ice hockey as one illegal) challenges, I decided that it The Official Varsity Ball will be held at London’s Café de Paris on 9th of a game would condone such bru- of the most brutal. And at least in ice was worth risking potential hy- December. Tickets are £20 and include limited free drinks. To apply for tal and unforgiving behaviour? hockey you get heavy padding. pothermia to watch. tickets or for more information please visit www.varsityball.com CUP DREAM SWEPT AWAY his signature reverse shot while BLUES HOCKEY Rob Fulford went agonisingly close with a drag-flick. Rajan Lakhani When the goal arrived, it was

well worth waiting for. A quite Shanaz Musafer stunning, one-touch sweeping BLUES 2 move from one end of the pitch to the other allowed Rob Lancastle to SURBITON 9 score from close in. Cambridge were not level for After another victory in the long though as Surbiton won a league, all eyes turned to the penalty flick against the run of play, cup match against one of the which was dispatched nonchalant- country’s top clubs, Surbiton. ly by Steen. The Blues continued to The rain was as heavy as the show great eagerness though in task that faced Cambridge, but closing down the opposition, put- credit to the players and sup- ting pressure on every pass. Their porters who braved the weath- deserved equaliser came when er for this entertaining affair. Fulford hammered the ball into the The match began frantically net with a reverse shot. At 2-2, with Surbiton piling the pressure maybe the cup fairytale was on? on the Cambridge goal and it was Unfortunately, not so as no shock when the first goal ar- Surbiton scored two late goals in rived. A well-worked short corner the first half to all but end allowed Daly to fire home into the Cambridge’s chances of progres- top corner. The Surbiton coach was sion. Both moves were well exe- pleased with the first goal but not cuted and the clinical finishing of at the amount of time it had taken Surbiton was something to behold. to arrive. “We should be 4-0 up by 4-2 down at half time to the club Rob Fulford goes in for a challenge in what were atrocious conditions at Wilberforce Road on Sunday now,” he was heard to say. currently lying second in the sides off. That is exactly what hap- Surbiton found gaps all over the score of 9-2. The worry was that the flood- National League Premiership, pened in the second half, for pitch, with the Cambridge defence It was hard on Cambridge who gates would soon open but thank- Cambridge were in need of a come- Surbiton laid siege to the chasing shadows and punished played some quite brilliant hock- fully, no such thing happened for back of titanic proportions. Cambridge goal, almost scoring at ruthlessly for their mistakes. The ey in the first half. They must take Cambridge dictated the play for Enthusiasm and pressing can will. What may have been a fairy- Blues rarely got out of their half as the positive aspects of this game the next 15 minutes. Chances went only take you a certain distance for tale soon descended into a night- the all blacks of Surbiton took the and not let the result affect their begging as Jamie Parker miss-hit the top teams inevitably pick such mare of the worst proportions as second half 5-0, producing a final challenge for the league. See inside for special Varsity rugby match pullout