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3-31-2008

Stagnant, March 31, 2008

University of Missouri-St. Louis

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March 31, 2008

www.thecurrentonline.com VOLUME41, ISSUE 124'; MAD LIPS CONTEST Fill out your Stagnant Scandal oauses SAGA president to resign Mad Lips and win

By PAULA ABDUL·JABAAR side adoringly throughout his entire Go to page 10 to fill out Make Me Sick Read speech. your Stagnant Mad Lips Editor-ill-Grief What is with that Paula Abdul­ "It's a private matter and I acted words and then place them Jabaar? Why does he like to dress in wrongly and I apologize sincerely in the Mad Lips story on women's clothing so much? Seriously, Cryin Goers, president of the and deeply and I'm just a bad person page 11. E-mail your results this is the thjrd year he has dressed in Sucky Ass Goers Association, has and I need to leave my post," Goers to [email protected] and women's clothes. It make, me sick. tendered his resignation after inves­ lamented. our favorite will be printed tigators exposed a scandal involving ing a hotel reservation for himself and "I wouldn't call you bad, Cry­ in next week's paper. Goers in a call girl ring of some sorts. an unidentified woman. in, more like naughty," Hackysack Goers admitted during a press con­ "I was just reserving a room to lay chimed in with a wink. See pages 10-11 ference that he paid more than seven out my possible outfits for the com­ Goers responded to questions by dollars, 53 cents and a piece of Juicy ing week. I had no idea," Goers said. local reporters. One reporter asked, INSIDE Fruit bubble gum on hookers from a "I guess all of their whore makeup "Mr. President, are the clothes you are local adult club, Hustler-Dollywood, should have been a tip off, but I just wearing right now picked out by one to help him pick out his clothes to needed help so badly!" of your 'lady-friends'?" wear to school over the course of six While his faithful viFe president "No, my mom picked these out for months during his reign as president. Candance Rip-a-tutu was missing by me," he answered. Hidden recorders from The Stag­ his side at the announcement, Go­ nant caught a telephone call between ers instead brought his hooker Ru­ Caraoke Fiasco • Swill Am.)' Knife Goers known as Client 3.14 confirm- Paul Hackysack, who stood by his See CRYIN GOERS, page 11 Cryin Goers (RIGHT) stands next to his hooker, RuPaul Hackysack. What's all the buzz? A NIGHT ON It's the Great Goetz-Bee Jolly Green buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz THE TOWN buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz Midget and buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz WITH PARIS Ron Jeronimo See page 6 HOLIDAY debate corn t< . ,,,' if·,... ~:·r.. . i .• '. . -?' . .,. .. . /1...... By ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA . " \. I, r " -:~ _I '. . .. INN Apostle·in-Cbief , ~t-::~' A Friends, DUMSLites, country­ '~~'. . j, men, lend me your ears for a tale that l ...... , will surely seem a bit corny. The king of porn and the king of ~ com came together at DUMSL last week for a d t .. ..,.-- crowd so big that the event left staff dumbfounded. Why is Rhino Shooter Editor-in·Grief Paula Abdul· "We usually only see on average Jabaar of The Stagnant four to five students at events, but sleeping? Find out! shows up in a stretch limousine with close friend this debate brought out at least seven See page 3 Paris Holiday Inn at the or eight," said Merriam-Webster, debut of the 'Vagina Dia· ass director of the Office of Student logues' Wednesday, March Half-Life. "Who knew so many peo­ 33. Abdul·Jabaar has been noted as not being very ple were interested in a debate about 'vagina·friendly' in the past, com?" yet as he steps out of the Part of the limo, he seems to have no large draw was problem exposing himself Ron Jeronimo, Kick Read for the cameras. Can you noted director Maize, also known say hypocrite? of over 10,000 as corn in the films and Americas and mOVIes. Australia, is a The Hicks cereal grain that Reise's Pieces· A

On Monday, the campus Mabel Syrup • Grammar Hammer Triton was trampled by a group Justi Capulet. Gramma r Hammer of mad cows. DUMSL officials Mclovin • Hawaiian Organ Donor are quiet about the story, but Movie Marquis· Entertainment Guru sources close to The Stagnant Jessica Bile' Ulcer Extraordinaire say the Triton was trying to Anastacia Beaverhoust'n • Dam Specialist milk the cows for cream for his Iguana Fuse' Jock Itch Ed itor White Russian. Apparently the Tommy Boy. Ass!. Jock Itch Editor Triton thought he was milking Phalangie • Pro-Thumb Wrest ler a cow, but it turns out it was a Blue Gene' LonelyGuy69 Dirt McGurk • Soul Steale r bull. The bull was spooked and Reise's Pieces • Danny Downer/ scared the rest of the heard, re­ Ass. to Soul Stealer sulting in the stampede Ink Slingers Jerry Ricearoni, Scoot Livestock, MIERCOLES B-B-Benny & the Jets Gillham, Craigs List Know-it-alls ATTMPT ID THEn Stu the Jew, Rhombus Shmelton, HEART INMSC Bill Cosby

The victim reported that her Stealers of Souls heart was stolen in the Posh Courtney A. Weak, Sofi Bonaparte around lunchtime. The bastard Insomniacs who stole it was reportedly just · .~mJl/O Sk inny Tom Tom not that into her. DUMSL po­ The DUMSL campus bookstore was robbed last week by two masked henchman, Bookstore officials are still unsure what was taken, lice are investigating the mat­ In the background, campus police watch with excitement as the thieves robbed the two employees, Scribblers ter, as numerous hearts have Queen Elizabeth, Cody Percolator, Caleb Troo been reported stolen by the same perpetrator. "What's Stagnant" is a free service for robots, zombies, pirates and Telemarketers ninjas. We do not care what you are doing next week. Deadline for Prison Warden What's Stagnant was May 25, 2004. Since space is a consideration, we suggest you bring us your third born puppy or any other bribes --DO NOT CONTACT.uS -- you might think we would like. VANDALISM· Got a tip for a story or photo opportunity 7 All of these events are fake and will not actually happen. Have a correction to report? Do you have "EAT PUPPIES" ERIED Your only calendar of campus crud a question or comment for our staff? Are you interested in working at The Current? The statement of the ages, Please contact us: "Eat Puppies" was viciously TUESDAY, MARCH 32 Clot hin gOire destroyed by Mother Nature. Newsroom I 1-800-dont-call-us The message, carved in the Hermit Awa r81 es s al Chi Chi hi co-ed fraternity Advertising I We'll cali you collect snow in a daring grass roots will be hosting their fourth an­ Business I mind your own movement, was lost to the This event will be held in IlLlal "Anything but clothes" Fax I to the max lawn when N atme took it upon the abandoned shack out back party. XXX will b holding a herself to raise the tempera­ and will feature a concert by The clothing drive and are asking for ture. Her ex-husband and arch Chanting Monks, a hermit erab donations as you walk in. TIle Email I thecurrent@ums l.edu nemesis, Jack Frost, will be derby and a hemlit defense train­ no-pants dance \ ill be held at 7 Snail Mail I 388 MSC planning a mourning period for ing COlil.'Se to help keep hermits p.m .. One University Blvd. half of spring, summer and the away. For more information, Sl. Louis, MO 6312l first half offa11. DUMSL police spend some time alone. have made numerous attempts THURSDAY} SPIDERWEB to capture Nature, but she dis­ Leet ue Leet ure appears like dust in the wind. St uden6t aff Some dude will be lecturing Sh owlown The student/staff showdown will begin at high noon on Thurs­ day, Show up to duel with your least favorite staff member. about how to lecture. It will be http://www.thecurJentonline.com boring. Complementary pillows At high noon, there will be a SABADO will be handed out. For more in­ duel on the dirt road between the spiration, go to class. students and staff. The first 100 - lmERS TO THE EDlTOR - injured will be given free T-shirts Dictiona ies and SATURDAY, MARCH 37 INDECENT EXPl/RE· and sent to the on site spiritual Letters to the 'editor not exceeding 36 VA-JAY-JAYS REVElED Full mooit g Th es aUn& words will be given preference. We accept healer. For more information con­ Da ret oSt are letters but we do not read them, unless tact the sheriff in town. The Stagnant will sponsor a they have entertainment value. All letters The Astronomical Astrono­ News at Midnight on west canlpus The Residence Hall Asso­ must be signed and must include your blood During the last Unmystery mers Anonymous will be cel­ at I :30 p.m. TIle topic this week ciation will hold a staring contest type, credit card number and your mother's Bus event, it was reported that ebrating the full moon by ran­ is "Dictionaries and Thesauruses: outside one of the residence halls. maiden name. All letters must be signed Left Sock Memorial in triplicate, sent in, sent back, lost, found a members of the Chi Chi Chi domly mooning passers by. Are They Really Necessary?" The No blinking is allowed. Winner again, queried, buried in hot lava for four sorority (XXX) were exiting A memorial will be held for all presentation will feature speakers will receive a bottle of eye drops. months and recycled. The Editor-in-Grief the bus in a way that revealed a left socks that were lost during the discussing why it is not necessary reserves the right to burn any letters he garden of ft.owers. The Tri-Chi WEDNESDAY, MARCH 33 Great Dryer War. The memorial is to print dictionaries and thesau­ does not find hilarious. girls are famously known for sponsored by students against the ruses anymore since student can READ THIS!!! their "Try Chi, Everyone Else lost cause and will be held in the simply click on them while typing Unm~ t~ Bus Has" fund raiser. Sun s men \\!s t lin g comer laundromat at 2:35 a.m. a paper. The Unmystery Bus will be The Stagnant is the annual parody issue of Bringing single socks is encour­ picking up students somewhere The Current. The stories, photographs and illustrations are not real and should not be aged. For more information, ask The University i\1imes are on campus at 7:39 p.m. Student taken seriously. The Stagnant does not intend inviting the long legged and the your mom. Global ~l1ing ~ will be taken on a driving tour of to seriously offend any individual or group. MARTES beautiful to Sunscreen wrestling DUMSL and be provided a small Advertisements in this issue are real unless held outside in kiddie pools In honor of Global Wanning snack lunch to share with three otherwise specified. Advertising rates are ASSAULT - around campus. Random wres­ Day, DUMSL staff are encour­ others. To round out the night, available upon request; terms, conditions and aged to drive around all day, restrictions apply. ROLtiNG BOOK BA tling is encouraged this spring Colonic I y students will compete in a scav­ The University is not responsible for the RUNS OVEIm IDENT to help students keep their win­ burning as much gas as possible. enger hunt around east and west content of The Current and/or its policies. ter pale. Wrestle at your own With the purchase of a meal People should also bmsh their campus. THe scavenger hunt is a Commentary and columns refiect the opinion Yet another student was in­ risk. For more information call a at the Posh, students, faculty and teeth with the water numing and clothing optional event. of the individual author. jured when a mad crazy person mime, they will point you in the staff will receive a free colonic at flush the toilet for fun. Unsigned editorials reflect the opinion of the majority of the Editorial Board. The ran them over with their rolling right direction. the health and unwellness center. Corn Hus kin fa rt y Current requests the courtesy of at least book bag. The victim suffered Stool softener will be included as 24·hour advance notice for all events to be a mild concussion, two and a an ingredient in the daily dessert. FRIDAY, MARCH 36 The campus greek organiza­ covered. Advertisements do not necessarily half broken ribs, a cracked ver­ Run nin gf 111 e Gees e tions will be holding the first reflect the opinion of The Current, its staff tebrate and several bruises and annual com husking party in members or the University. y All materials contained in each printed and cuts. The student organization, It is spring time and you Hurrica ne III 0a the Posh. There will be husking THURSDAY, MARCH 35 online issue are property of The Current and LAZY FKERS, is leading a law know what that means. Horny demonstrations, tricks and face may not be reprinted, reused or reproduced suit against the perpetrator who geese. The geese will be chasing Blowin gCon eert DUMSL will hold a hurricane painting. Experts will be available without th e prior, expressed and written committed the assault. DUMSL you all over campus this week in drill and informational seminar to show participants the proper consent ofThe Current. This includes The police do have the person in order to get it on. DUMSL avi­ The DUMSL music depart­ to discuss the consequences to ways to eat com with three teeth. Stagnant. First copy is free; all subsequent copies are custody and are subjecting ary control advises not to give ment will be blowing into their not being properly prepared for a Professional chefs will also show 25 cents and are available at the offices of them to hourly tickle torture. in, not matter how suave they instruments at an overpriced and hurricane in St. Louis. Students, people how to make corn on the The Current. may be. There is also a biting boring concert at 3:63 a.m. some faculty and staff are encouraged cob, sweet com, corn muffins, The Stagnant would like to warning in effect until 8 p.m. ev­ place on campus. The program to attend so they are properly pre­ creamed com, com bread, com --WE WANT YOUR $-- point out that none of these eryday. To treat a goose bite, the will also feature a tutorial por­ pared on how to stay safe should dogs, com chowder, corned beef, crimes actually happened and DUMSL aviary control suggests tion where the proper methods a hurricane wash up on the shores coming wear, com oil and high All UM-St. Louis students, alumni, faculty ifyou had actually for one sec­ biting them back and then seek­ of blowing into instruments are ofthe Mississippi. fructose com syrup. and staff are entitled to free classified ond thought they were factual, ing medical attention. demonstrated. advertisements of 40 words or less. you should be taken out back The Current also offers display and have hot sauce dumped in advertisements at a rate of $8.75 per column inch for off campus advertisers your eye. and $7:75 for on campus organizations However, it is sad to say that and departments. Various discounts may real crimes do occur and ifyou apply. To receive an advertising rate card, see or have information actual contact our advertising or bUSiness staff or campus incidents you should download a rate card from our Web site at http://www.thecurrentonline.com/adrates contact campus police at 516- 5155. 1[hr ~tagnQnt Rocks! --YEAH, WE KNOW 'EM _ CORRECTIONS MCMA ' We make no mistakes. None. U March 31, 2008 1Cht ~taynan Page 3's a crowd Who's your real baby's daddy? WHAT DO YOU FORSEE? Morrie Povish's paternity tests get to the lDttom of it

By PHALANGIE After many a year went by, one change of Mizzpoop like lions and hese four siblings because he was the Pro-Thumb Wrestler of the schools, let us call it Slytherin, Tritons and bears, oh my, but did not father of another campus and stepped became the home of what many succeed. down out of the paternity race. would call the powerful students. With all of these name changes. Terry Cloth Sutter was deter- A long, long time ago, four sib­ Here at Mizzpoop, ahem ... Slytherin, questions of identity began to circl< mined to be the falher at one point, lings (like tbe four friends in Hairy they eventually decided to take over thr·oughout the system .. Who weI but it turned out he was just a real Plopper) statted four different col­ what their brothers and sisters had. these siblings? Where did they cOP sticky male relative. Jeff Gordon lege campuses: DUMSL, University So they began to teach the art of from? But most importantly, who d Lamb Chop was found to be more of of Mizzpoop-Christopher Columbia, technological advances, the sign­ they come from? a father figure of the four campuses UM-Cholerrolla and U Must b Kid­ ing and playing of the instrumental With all of the chaos and co-u- and was given custody until. .. ding College. accoutrement and business tactics. sian, the Bored of Curators othe While Gory Foreplay was hard DUMSLspecialized in the studies Eventually, the newspapering and system called for a paternity t,t to to track down, the true results were of the unknown worlds. Mizzpoop magazining became the dark arts. figure it all out, and who better :host not obtained until early 2008 when it claimed the newspaper biz and the Sometime in the year 2007, UM­ it then TV show host Monie Wish. turned out that Foreplay was indeed art of medicine. Cholerrolla took the Cholen-ol1a changed its name to After an extensive search, th·list of the father of the four, and in a Dumb­ challenge of teaching how to proper­ MUST, better known to the UM sys­ possible fathers were narrow! down ledore like blaze of glory, he swept ly extract valuable things from with­ tem as Misery University for System to four possibilities: Nelso"Pink" into the system for an overhaul to re­ in the earth and other smart people Traitors. Not to be outdone, the Uni­ Floyd, Terry Cloth Sutter,;ff Gor- claim the true title. things that have to do with teclmol­ versity of Mizzpoop wanted to drop don Lamb Chop and Gory Jreplay. Now the hunt is on for their moth- ogy. U Must b Kidding College de­ the Christopher Columbia. After further researc' and in- er. If you have any leads, please call cided to teach its students the beauty DUMSL, being the Gryffindor of vestigation, Nelson "pi(" Floyd the DUMSL police at 1-800-YUM­ of the melodies and harmonies. the system, valiantly fought the name announced he was not I; father of FOOD. Wake up, Rhino Shooter, wake up!

By ANASTACIA ~VERHOUSEN DUMSL interior and exterior design­ ing team. Dam Sp e.,list Dirt McGurk • Soul Slealer The Zen garden will be replacing the CWTent location of the baseball University of Misery President Gory Foreplay predicts the fu­ ture on his late night talk show. The answer: Random wild bear fields and will cover over 83 acres of RJlino ShooteAdvisory Associ­ attacks. The question: What is the most pressing issue plagu­ ate Assistant Dir·tor of All Things lands. The new location of the base­ ing the University of Misery system? Managerial anctCecbnological and ball fields will be close to the van Important and Aletic and Academic down by the river. of the ParanO[1i1 Sciences depart­ Doctors are concerned that Shoot­ ment, had bee,treated with an un­ er is feeling stressed out from all of disclosed medine at an undisclosed the boring work he has to complete, location in an adisclosed country in which is intensifying the narcoleptic an undisclosecontinent. side effect. Sources c~e to Shooter said med­ In order to help the di.rector feel icine would: given at a specialized less stressed out, DUMSL has decid­ ~tagnant ed to purchase and move Neverland 1thc location bv ecialized physicians. Howe\:ea rare side effect of the Ranch to campus. ,. treatment ~ooter received from the "We feel this is the best decision treatment is become preva lent. In to keep Shooter comfortable. He has recent fUloons, Shooter has fallen already bonded \V·itb a maca" on the asleep wle standing, speaking and ranch named Bear and seems to enjoy eating rr3hed potatoes with extra the carousel although he may have gravy just fallen asleep with a smile on his "Werre currently working on face. I would too ifI got to ride on the IS method to help Shooter stay awake dragons back." Decorate said. at impr.ant functions," said Curious Thc University will also be pro­ Georg.DlJ.l\.1SL chancellor. " We are viding additi n transportation to pu.r:chJ.ng a s upply of water guns Shooter. Currently, Shooter dri es and p;ievice that would adrnin:is.t r a 2020 Chevy Downlander. To de­ a sli!t shock should he enter REM crease ~;tre ss that can be caused by sleer dliving and traffic, DUt\.1S L is buying bettE I order to help Shooter sleep a new stretch Hummer li mo and hir­ mo' DUMSL plans to install a bed­ ing a personal on-call chauffer. roc! chamber in his office. The cham­ "We are equipping the new vehicle b<,vill be complete with a Califomia with a wet bar, full-size bed, plasma kg sized bed., 10,000 thread count television and celebration area which o-:ets, and pillows seWl1 and stuffed will have room for Bear's cage. I am 1 the hand of the Nepalese monks. reall:. excited about the disco ball ne chamber will be complete with a and activity pole beLng installed in than llg made from bunnies. the celebration area," said Bull Shite, "We are calling in the best feng DUMSL luxury car engineer. simi artists around the world to help All the amenities to help hooter Caraoke Fiasco· YJJ>iss Army KnlJi' design a room that will be soothing become more comfortable are being Rhino Shooter, WAKE UP! There is a rare African macaw-parrot to the director. We are also flying in funded by a l,048 percent increase in hybrid on your shoulder and you are missing it. It is really cool am' a Japanese Zen gardener so the direc­ tuition. In addition, DUMSL wi ll be , . really rare. How can you sleep, sleepyhead, when there are excit­ tor has a space to peacefully medi­ implementing a $1 0 toll to cross the srx ing things going on around you? tate," said Anita De.corate, head of the Millennium Stupid Center Bridge.

CORN DEBATE,

Sounds like you're a hypocrite." "I see, making short jokes now, 1thr [urrrnt are v.... e? You don't have to rub it in with your ll-inch cob,·· Midget said., INVITES YOU AND A GUEST TO which got a stir from the crowd. ALATE NIGHT SCREENING "Look I choose not to use ethanol because it still is not efficient as gasoline, and because of the demand for ethanol, we are running out of the grain for other purposes like feeding livestock." RuINS Jeronimo responded, "But isn't E-85 jabillion a cleaner, more reli­ able energy source') I thought you VISIT THE CURRENT AT were all about 'going green' and stuff. " www.thecurrentonline.com Midget mumbled in frustration TO FIND OUT HOW yOU CAN PICK UP and finally said, "Look, I'm not the bad guy here. You have to admit, AC OMPLIMENTARY PAS SFOR TWO. Ron. your use of com in your movies Dirt McGurk • Soul S!ru1er is simply degrading and it's spread­ Ron Jeronimo ~own director of over 10,000 corn movies, WHEN YOU STOP BY TO PICK UP APASS TEll US ing. I meatl, every movie people go stands with o~~f his corn actresses shedding her husks. Jeroni­ mo and his 111ch cob debated corn with the Jolly Green Midget. ABOUT YOUR SCARIEST YACAilON EXPERIENCE. to now, they cannot sit through it Sounds corny,Juh? without eating some popcorn? How VISIT THE RUINS AT www.ruinsmovie.com do you respond?" Unfortunately, that is where the "WeU, it's like I always says: 'That last Ie does not even use NO PURCHASE NE C( SS ARY 0 ENTER OR WN Corn allows couples to fulfill thei r com " Mid2.' said. "Nevertheless, debate had to end due to time con­ YOID WHE RE PROHIBIlIED OR Rf 5TRICfED BY lAW. • odmiHwo PO" per pellon Employ •• , of participating spon,eTS are fantasies together and is by no means I am' not afrd to admit that some­ straints, but the two will be touring ineligible. No po"Il(lle nec G"ory. P01le. are o\'Oiloble on 0 1",I

1-1Ch r: ~ta.Ymmt: happi,ly brir.Jing yo~e latest i~!flarl.?us gossip, worthless triVia, barely comprehensible news stories and logical paradoxes. The stateJ1ent in the box to The statement in the box to theright is true .. I .. the left is false. !

.~ _Pa-=-ge_F_o_-S_h_o ______~e ~tagnant March 31, 2008

OUR OPINION EDITOR'S VIEWPOINT The Current shou be like So there you have it other student ubs folks: Balls of Fury While The Current works on Spank fully we do not havc to put are going to show up Many of you ---- law that makes the gathering information and facts and on drag shows, but sometimes we do Bluntly, we really don't probably turned acquisition of offi­ spends all Sunday night on produc­ in our office '.vhen we think no one is anyone except ourselves. this page week after cial Smackdo'W11alds tion, we at The Stagnant do not wor­ looking. And without tbe clotbes. of important: we win week and have seen , balls and expoliing ry about such things. nle Current Thankfully, we do not have to fact, you all should feel this spot reserved them' out of the pit needs to chill the shizzle out. have secret initiation riruals. As long we are even taking our for the editor-in­ illegal and punish­ We at The Stagnant are thank­ as you can put two words together to write for you peo- chief for that other able through means ful we are not like the other boring (they don't even have to make sense, newspaper on cam­ of tickJe torture, or shldent clubs on campus that have like "monkey fudge") , we'll hire pus, The Current. even worse, riding all sorts of mles and mission state­ you. And even lately with our lack What an arro­ the shuttle bus. ments. At The Stagnant, we have of staff writers, if you have a pulse, gant jerk, that Paul. Paul will go to ui­ only one mission. To put out this pa­ you are in. for people, instead we Always writing al in front of that one per once a year. Thankfully, we do not have to a

SCIENCE CRAP

Congress repeals Laws of Physics to clear way for Missile Defense: physidsts worried

This week, Congress repealed the cists, replied that the Misle De­ grams from the government. To cut Laws of Physics, clearing the way the Laws of Physics fense pr(1'aIll was them off now would be cruel. We are for the Missile Defense program, are based on years that, to ,e mean­ not that kind of nation," he said. over the objections of physcists. of observations and ingful, i had to Some critics have noted that Congress and the program's lead . repeated testing of interce nuclear Missile Defense is useless against military contractor, Boing-Boing hypotheses, and that warheJs 100 per­ modern threat like terrorists, who do Co., had been at a loss at what to do the facts were cer­ cent (the time. not have missile silos, and actually about a problem with a key feature tain to a very high Tts with drain money from real defense uses. of the Missile Defense program after degree. kno\} time and Congressman Barel disagreed. "We a group of physicists pointed out that Again, Barel dis­ pIa( of target must be prepared against all poten­ the launch phase interception essen­ missed the informa­ rni;les had only tial threats, not just terrorists. What tial to making the system work was tion, saying he could 60 percent suc­ if Poland goes rogue? Or France?" not possible without repealing the find an equal number C(l rate, until When asked about the other gov­ laws of physics. of scientists working t~efs decided to ernment programs whose funding After much debate, Congress for the Boing-Boing ~p results secret. would be cut to pay for Missile De­ 'lhat's nuke fense, Congressman Barel bristled. decided that that was the exact step Co, and other fine By CAGEY MICROSCOPE a needed to move forward with the corporations, who"" """'/ two any way," "Boing-Boing Co. has done so much Gate Swirl tbe Science Girl lare! said. program. disagreed. "Even for me personally, and even the na­ Many physicists claimed that the respected think tank Institute of Lobbyists, tbi'entagon and Con­ tion. Congress lacked the power to banish Higher Executive Pay agrees with gressional conlittees have been Name one re-election campaign the Laws of Physics, but Congressio­ me," Barel said. working feveri'!y for years, search­ that has benefited from those people nal supporters disagreed. Despite the scientists' objections, ing for a ne\lt)Urpose and enemy who want to drink clear water or have "They are laws. Of course, we can Barel argued that Missile Defense for the systerrfhey think they may their food inspected for safety?" repeal them," the bill's sponsor Con­ was an essential program, which had have found a Jtential adversary, but Congressman Barel said he sees Reason #3 6 For Reading gressman Pete "Pork" Barel said. to be launched at all costs. the case is ;licate. They need to the Missile Defense program as part Congressman Barel has headed It was originally designed to fight launch the !Stern quickly in order of a greater service to the taxpay­ The Stagnant: up the effort to rid the country of the the old Soviet Union back in the to push the her country into a new, ers. "Taxpayers depend on us to take troublesome Laws of Physics. "Did 1980s by intercepting and destroy­ lucrative arS race. their money and redistribute it to You can use it as a hat if it those physicists consult even one ing incoming nuclear missiles. The There i~ larger issue, according large private corporations. major corporation before they came program has been bogged down by to Barel. It keeps our essential military in­ up with those laws? I doubt it," Barel minor details, such as the disappear­ "The :ogram is essential for dustry humming, aIming the whole rains or if you just feel like said. ance of the Soviet Union, ' for .de­ the survi:l of the Boing-Boing Co, world, so we never have to WOlTY The Association of Physicists for cades. which h become increasingly de­ about where the next war is coming wearing a paper hat. Facts, a group of renowned physi- One of the troubling issues with pendantJD corporate welfare pro- from," said Congressman Barel.

The building will also be con­ XXXpress Strips hw-to guide structed where Parking Garage X now stands. When asked about the effect this might have on parking, Leo the Lion, director of Barking and Transpor­ tation said, "It was really a toss up. You have parking on one hand and then you have strippers on the other. There's really no contest," he said. Because of the expansion so far, many buildings like Cluck Hall, Weezy Jefferson library and the Mil­ lennium Stupid Center have faced the fate of the wrecking ball to allow XXXpress Strips to expand. XXXpress Strips has been named in the Unfortunate 500 company list for five years in a row and is the first company to build strip clubs on a public university's property. "We hope more universities fol­ 2. With the pole as a guldf. low the example set by DUMSL. 1. Keeping ali your weight or yOl.lT ~et. bend your knee work your butt up and down This is really the best move that a forward so that your hull' to the bea1 of fhe tnllSk. university can make," Pez said. lighfly touching the polr Work. it, gi.rlfriend., work It! The company's partnerships are also expanding with DUMSL, includ­ ing co-sponsorships with the gender also bring over 900 male .ippers strippers. awareness and studies program, the from its former headquarter·o work "We need that money!" yelled Anatomical Society student organi­ on campus as well. 'We di,lOt want Krypt O'Nite, lecturer in quantum zation and the Vagina Dialogues. to seem to be favoring r~ gender quilting. "We have been asking for "I'm glad to see someone on over another," he said. "\fare equal that money for renovations for over campus has a favorable attitude to­ opportunity employers h~·" twenty years and now. They're just ward women and vaginas," said an However, it is not r grins and giving that money away to ... wait, anonymous representative of the As­ giggles as s~rne professS in the sci­ you said they'll be more strippers on sociated Nincompoops of University ence labs are upset a..ciloney from campus? Why didn't you say so ear­ Students. the MO-HOLLA sale-dve been di­ lier? Heck yeah, they can take all the Pez noted that the company would verted to build a horr for all of the money they want!"

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www.nickmoran-insurance______·om ______L- ~ hy can't there be a Stagnant every week? Page 6 Geese A-laying March 31,2008 The Great Goe Bee buzzes into action

By PAULA ABDUL-JABAAR Editor,in-Grie!

To bee or not to bee, that is the question. I always heed the advice that my rich father once told me. I avoidjudg­ - ing people, but this habit of mine has become a problem, as of late, e5-pe­ cially since I met The Great Goetz­ Bee. She was my next-door neighbor in the quiet community of West Om­ elet, and she was always known for her lavish soirees held in thc Debbie Does Dallas Field. I was invited to one of her patties on the evening when her team was headed to the championship. One thing seemed odd, however, in that no one at the party had ever met the mysterious Goetz-Bee. However, during th e course of the party, I started talking with a lovely young lady who told me stories of the birds and the bees. and it turned out that this woman who seemed to know so much about balls and "no hands" was in fact Coach Great Goetz-Bee. "Buzz-buzz-buzz! buzz-buzz- buzz-buzz l " were the first words she spoke to me. "Just joking around. I can really talk," she said. ATHLETE "So you're the Great Goetz-Bee?" OF THE WEEK I said in astonishment. "Wow, it's so great to meet you. I've heard so much The Great Goetz-Bee took the Mermaids to the spelling championship, but her stinger just wasn't sharp enough to pierce the Dreary about you, but no one seems to know team. Not this time, anyway. who you really are. How come you don't make yourself known at your was stocking up with all of the honey sad tale. "Well, what can we do about it? the Debbie Does Dallas Field never own parties?" from our hard-working honeybees Let me help. I'm sure we can come up looked prettier, like a Pablo Bee-cas­ "Well, we bees have a mle: 'Never before their games," Goetz-Bee re­ is tomOlTOW against with something I " I exclaimed. "Wait so painting. talk to a human' and I've just broken sponded. sity, and I feel I've made ~,,~""p a minute, I have a third cousin, Daisy, Coach Great Goetz-Bee led her it," she said in shame. "After they gave us all of the hon­ mistake. Since all of the who can help. She works at a flower Mermaids onto the newly pollinated "Why can't you talk to humans']" ey back, we had to find new jobs, so shop and has tons of bee-gonias we field against Dreary University, but in I asked. I took this coaching job of the Mer­ they don't need to pollinate can all plant on the field in time for the end they were no match for Drea­ "Because there was this incident. maids spelling bee team at DUMSL," and it looks horrible. There is tomorrow's game." ry, so the team just stung the players 1 sued thc human race one time be­ she added. it will be ready in time for the And so the two got to work in all the way back to ... where is Dreary cause one team, Dreat)' University, I listened on as he continued her championship tomorrow." time for the big game tomorrow and anyway'~

Mr. Baseball

I No one gives any c'recirt-to-the-re-af-wtrmer oLaLL¥-9ame th ball. L'S OWN SEMI-PRO This ball was created three and a half months ago in a factory near Des Moines. The red threads were lovingly stitched into the his purest white leather, only to be bullied into this threadbare mess after 20 practices. 20 practices that helped Are college sports bring DUMSL's team to a level of play suitable for their season. going green?

UPCOMING GAMES By CARAOKE FIASCO include increased energy, cold flashes, foot aches, chronic goosebumps, snor­ Softball Swiss Army Knife ing and on rare occurrences, green tint­ Ap. i! 1 at Dreary ing of the skin. John Godzilla, director of jock "It is important for athletes to un­ Noon straps, announced during a special derstand that in moderation, spinach press conference held last week in the is very healthy for you. I prefer my April ! at Stonehurts Markie Mark Fitness Center that all spinach steamed with a pinch of cur­ Noon athletics players would undergo ran­ ry, however, too much of anything is dom spinacia oleracea testing. never good. There are many serious The press conference was held in side effects that should be considered Baseball response to the now famous Popeye before ingesting that much spinach," Report, which listed the names of col­ Kathy Strausenberg, medical practitio­ April 1 at Middle Mis- lege athletes that are known to have ner said, souri 2:30 p.m. taken spinacia oleracea. Each player will be tested during Spinacia oleracea, also known as their respective seasons. The players April 1 at Saint Jars spinach, is becoming a popular won­ will be chosen at random and asked der drug among student athletes be­ to report to the Markie Mark Fitness Noon cause of its high amounts of vitamin Center to complete the test within 24 K and iron. homs. April 'I at Saint Jors The Popeye Report did not cite any Spinach abuse is detected by a mag­ Noon DUM:SL students, however, the Jock netic test. The student will be asked to Straps Department is establishing a no lay on their back while a horseshoe tolerance policy against spinach that shaped magnet is placed on their bare will go into effect in the summer of stomach. If the magnet turns to face Men's Tennis 2008. the north, acting like a compass, the "We will not have any of our play­ student is positive for high levels of April 1 at Near the ers abusing any kind of substances, spinach. If it points south, well, they Middle Missouri State especially something so green and are positive for feeding scraps to their 10 a.m. yucky," Godzilla said. dogs under the table. Athletes around the country have No consequences have been of­ been taking spinach pills with their ficially set by the department of jock morning protein shakes because spin­ straps. During the press conference, ach has been shown to help absorb Godzilla mentioned that there were Women's Tennis By CARAOKE FIASCO • SWISS ARMY KNIFE protein, It is also a source offolic acid talks of first offense warnings, which April 1 VS. MO Down that helps create new red blood cells, could include tickling the athlete until Robbie Moon, new center, forward, punter and a Triton, there has been an in- . Under 1 p.m. which is essential for delivering oxy­ he or she urinated to rid the student of in attendance during games. The gen to the body. this substance. water boy for the DUMSL Tritons basketball team, has fan attendance reachjng as high as his one hit swoon over him. "It has become an epidemic around As for second offense warnings, song, "Hate Me Ugly." bas:ket~ team has tripled its ticket sales, the nation. I personally don't need the well, you don 't want to go there, April 1 VS. Near the After quitting his pop star day job, Moon wanted to spend money on the most im­ Middle Missouri State pills because these biceps are home­ When Popeye the sailor man, the to follow his adult dream of playing college bas­ . . The halftime now features 10 a.m. made, but playing against these teams number one advocate for spinacia 01- ketball. After much consideration, Moon chose song under 100 disco balls. who are strung up on spinach isn't fair eraCea was contacted for questioning, DUM:SL. . play," said Adam Adamson, pitcher for he n;terely replied, "I'm strong to the "I spun my gargantuan globe and pointed with Aprt! 1 vs. Cowardly the DUMSL wiffie ball team. finish'cuz I eats me spinach. I'm Pop­ County CC 2 p.m. Side effects from taking spinach can eye the sailor man. Toot toot (pipe)!" March 31, 2008 1thc ~tagnQnt Page 7 Deadly Sins Shady loses millions, but plans to sue again Tu~3dag, '(ipri 115, 2008 By SCOOT LIVESTOCK have multiplied my wmrungs by Shady bas a plan to get back all ot: about 30 times over. I thought it was the money he lost and then some. H Freeballer . 12:30 pm - 2:00 pm a smart move. I mean, I got a [freak­ wants to sue the University again, ing]32 on the ACT." this time over the school's mascot C'~nturg tiall1{oom Slim Jim Shady, tee-ball coach for Shady continued to talk about change that he believes was made DUMSL, did not keep the earnings how smart he is. simply to spite him. Millennium ~tud~nt C~nt~r from his lawsuit against DUMSL for "I took this online IQ test and "So, they [freaking] changed the very long. The school's head tee-ball scored a 144. No way Rhino Shooter mascot name from Rivermen to Tri­ Uni\}~r3ity of MhH~ouri-~t. bouil coach is no longer a millionaire af­ can do that," he said. tons," Shady said. "We had a deal. ter blowing nearly all of his money The coach, going on his 23rd The new Rivermen logo was going to on one spin of the roulette wheel at year, seems unconcerned, however, look like me. The mascot, the basket­ Hurrah's Casino. with his lack of funds. ball court design at the center circle, Shady put $1.1 million on the "Look at my ring!" Shady said of everything. So now, we're what? The number 18, his jersey number, but his gold ring, which commemorates mermen? I am not a [freaking] mer­ the gamble did not payoff. DUMSL's 1996 College World Se­ man." "There is a black cloud hanging ries appearance. "Does it look like fri~nd$ over my head!" Shady said. "So, I I'm [freaking] poor?" and figured, if! would have won, I would Not only is he definitely not poor, See SHADY, page 12 good mann~rs will carry you Likely happenings.in the next year wh{lr~ mon~y Clover's ass. " pitch. The game is scoreless until By SCOOT LIVESTOCK "- ,'1 't d April 26- Raiders owner AI Davis the 9 th , when Arizona sends up JOM \von 00'" Freeballer says he will actually leave the coach McCain'S daughter Megahand to alone and draft talented players. .pinch hit. She singles, then promptly Well folks, you are going to have May 3- El Perro Malo wins the removes one piece of her uniform for to go a long time without another Kentucky Derby, but tests positive every base she st~als. Obama balks April Fools issue of The Stagant. for drugs. Jose Can-you-seco then after the jersey co 1es off, bringing in Actually it will be, uh, one year. So, admits that he introduced the horse the winning run .• Maria Everding) a nationally recognized etiquette consultant, until then, here are some things I pre­ to a known steroids distributor. July 27- Ricepatty Halgand wins dict will happen that you can look May 4- The Orioles are all set to the Tour de FraAce, but his drug test will guide participants through a four-course meal. forward to: intentionally walk Vladimir Guerra contains urine that consists of98 per­ April 8- Tiger Woods retires just of the Angels, so he goes up to the cent cattle growth hormone. When before The Masters. He explains: "I plate with a wiffieball bat. Vlad asked for an explanation, the French­ Tickets are $15.00 for UM-St. Louis students and alumni only. just want to sit around and play the swings anyway, at a pitch three feet man says, "Moo." Wii all day." outside, and hits a 450-foot opposite August 11- At the Olympics, April '12- Tony Stewart starts de­ field home run. Team USA loses to Team Papua New Visit Career Services to register by Tuesday, AprilS, 2008. veloping a rash whenever he stays in May 21- Celery Clinton drops out Guinea, whose average player is his car for at least 100 laps, so Mo­ of the presidential race after news 5 '2". The Americans make 36 dunks nistat purchases the sponsorship on breaks of her affair with Spike Ty­ but no other field goals. his car for the rest of the NASCAR son. August 20- In a shocking tum of season. June 13- The International Olym­ events, Pope Benedict XVI wins the April 14/15- DUMSL Baseball pic Committee makes a last minute gold medal in Guitar Hero, although plays four home games on the moon, change to the 2008 Beijing Games, Kim Jong II convinces the North Ko­ causing the school to temporarily making Guitar Hero an official " rean people that he was actually the change its name to the University sport. champion. of Misery - St. Louis at The Sea of July 5- David Beckingharn gets August 22- The DUMSL jock Tranquility. deported for sucking. strap department actually allows stu­ April 19- At cagefighting extrav­ July 23- Barack Obama throws dents to enter through all the doors at aganza "UFC 83", Tennessee wom­ the ceremonial first pitch at a Cubs the Markie Mark Center. en's basketball coach Peppermint game and burns in a 92 MPH fast­ Pat Summit beats Ken Four-Leaf- ball, so the Cubs decide to let him See PREDICTIONS,page 12 'Holey War' in DUMSL jock strap department

By SCOOT LIVESTOCK cause the DUMSL teeball team is a group of known pyromaniacs, they Freeballer became likely suspects. "Well, well .. .I love fire," said The DUMSL jock strap depart­ DUMSL right fielder Ric Coontz. ment has been conducting a massive "That's what we wantl " investigation tn recent weeks over All this deductive reasoning by the mysterious appearance ofnumer­ Godzilla led to the accusation of sev­ ous holes in the Markie Mark Center eral team members in the incident, bleachers. and first year player Dusty Huggon­ Over two dozen holes litter the son was taken aback. outside of the basketball arena's "He talks about deductive rea­ seating area, which presents a huge soning, how about some inductive problem for a department that has reasoning?" Huggonson said. "Hold U N already tapped out its budget on the on ... dan1ll1it.. .1 don't know the dif­ UNIFORM FOR A GAME T---­ new "Misery - St. Lewis" fluores­ ference between deductive . and in­ cent sign outside the building. ductive reasoning. Whatever it is, CANCELLED THREE D~ "We will have to spend three times though, it's legit." the amount of the jock straps budget GodziUa continued to back up to fix these boles," said director of his accusations against the baseball jock straps John Godzilla "This can­ team because Jose Can-you-seco's not be afforded by our department, so new book states that he introduced CAMPUS RECREA rON SP ING 2008 basically we are going to have to find the team to dynamite at a party years someone else to blame." ago. Other details surfaced as well. Godzilla quickly formed a com­ "DUMSL left fielder Otto Icbabod mittee to name the members of a new would not quit hitting on my wife," KickbaU committee, which would investigate Can-you-seco said. "So I distracted FloGr Hockey Volleyball the matter. The latter committee's him by introducing him to a known Date: April 9 & 10 Dale: April 14 first idea was that massive throngs of steroids distributor, and the next year Date: April 8 - April29 fans that packed tbe gym for every he broke the DUMSL record for sac Time: Tues 6:4S-9pm Time: ed/Thurs 2-5 Time: Man 6:4S-9pm DUMSL basketball game this season bunts ina season. Coincidence? I caused the damage to the bleachers. think: not." Place: Mark Twain Gym Place: Mark Twain Gym It was later discovered that former 1chabod's teammate, third base­ Tennessee Titans cornerback Ms. man Rocco Undersheets, insists these Sign Up by: Thurs 4/3 Sign Up by: Thurs 4/10 Packman Jonas threw a massive party accusations are false. at the Markie Mark Center, complete "He ate five plates of macaroni Divison: Mens. Co-Ed Division: Mens, Womens with his usual entourage of thugs and and cheese at the buffet last week and strippers. This was a red flag to com­ didn't gain a single pound," Under­ Format: League 6:6 FOr'mat One Night Tourney 6:6 mittee member Joe Decker. sheets said. "Do you honestly think "We decided it was likely that the he's on steroids? I've proven two holes in the bleachers could be at­ things tonight: that Otto Ichabod is tributed to gunshots, since people are .not on steroids .. . and that dinosaurs R o ck Gyan 101 Mil:thday Volleyball always getting shot when Ms. Pack­ never existed." Date: April 12 Date: prl 16 man is around," Decker said. Ichabod says other statements This idea was also discounted, made by Can-you-seco are untrue. T ime: Sat 1-3pm Time: Wed] 1 m·3pm ~o o however, because .Ms. Packman was "I would never hit on Can-you­ CD actually unable to attend his own seco's wife," 1chabod said. "She's Mlrthday party because he was too busy vis­ ugly. The gap between her two front iting the troops in Afghanistan and teeth is so wide, wben she smiles I Sign Up by: Thurs 4/3 campaigning to end the genocide in don't know whether to smile back or Division; Open Darfur. kick a field goal." "Dawg, it hardly ever rains in the These vehement denials have left Middle East," Ms. Packman said. '1 the committee with only one choice: had to go over and make it rain." to do nothing. The n'lembers felt they Godzilla agrees that Ms. Packman would not fit in with the other com­ had nothing to do with the holes. mittees at DUMSL unless they did "Ms. Packman is an angel. He nothing. wouldn't have done it," Lombardo So, Godzilla came to the conclu­ i< US. Cellular said. "But the idea of gunshots or sion that the only appropriate action other explosives got me thinking." is to blame Orange Julius Simpson. u.s. Celluiar i$ wireless He noticed the holes were as big No one seems to have a problem where you matter most~ around as sticks of dynamite, and be- with this. \ ~h( ~tal1nant March 31) 2008 AT THE POOHHILL MOVIE REVIEW American Idle judges rate singers at Poohhill Brittany's dreams of Singers duke it out for glory and fame allill night long Oscar gold

By MOVIE MARQUIS Entertainment Gunl maybe

"American Idle" judges Simon, Paula and Randy swooped down on dimmed by the campus' Poohhill Perfonning Arts Center for a very special version of the popular TV show, the first ever lackluster opera singing contest. The occasion was the performance of "Madame Butterfly" by the Teeny • A&E ON CAMPUS Tiny Traveling Opera Company last mOVIe Thursday, March 40. The "American Idle" producers MONDAY NAP SERIES: had become aware of the Poohhill "Ode To A Sock" as a premier venue for struggling debut Poet/laundry mat worker would-be opera singers looking for Hugo Feet reads from his their first big break. book-length poem "Ode "The show needed to branch out By MOVIE MARQUIS To A Sock /I Monday, to different form s of music, to stay April 1 at 12: 15 p.m. in fresh," said judge Paula Abdomen. Entertainment Guru Gallery 109. Free and The judges were set up at a table Open to the public. at the front of the Any-Brew Perfor­ mance Hall, with a packed house of Former teen pop music prin­ JAN PROPMAKER in American Idle fans to vote the singer cess Brittany Spaniels is hoping 'I'm Flying High As A off after each scene. to follow the path of so many Kite" Each scene featured solos by so­ fading music stars by launching Jan Propmaker's one-man prano Sophie Singer, toney soprano a new career as a movie star, but comedy show about his Pauline Walnuts, tenor Luciano Les­ her debut movie "Look At Me" experiences as a pilot for sons and baritone Tony Tonsil s. opened to scathing reviews and a drug cartel, soon to be The singers' abilities were mixed. lackluster ticket sales. an off-off-off Broadway The judging phase began with the Envisioned as a Hollywood show. Performances on second act, with the first act being a version of a Bollywood movie, Friday, April 1 at 8 p.m . warm-up and demonstration of the the colorful extravaganza "Look and Saturday, April 1 at 2 troupe's abilities. At Me" has colorful costumes, a p.m. Soprano Sophie Singer quickly cast of thousands, all singing and advanced to the next round after dancing, in the star-produced tale Mad a m e singing a wonderful aria, despite the of an all-American girl who dis­ Butterworth" opera collapse of a piece of scenery behind covers she is really an Indian prin­ The Endlessly Touring her, which produced guffaws from cess. Not a Native American but a Opera Company the audience. South Asian Indian princess. production of their Tenor Luciano Lessons, also a "Look At Me" was shot on adaptation of the opera part-time stagehand for the Teeny three continents, took a year to classic, presented with Tiny Traveling Opera Company, did film (including time out for re­ all members dressed as less well, garnering cracks from Si­ hab and emotional breakdowTIs) bottles of pancake syrup. mon about sticking with the scenery, and cost close to a trillion dollars. Performance is Sunday, which clearly needed some help, but Spaniels' saris alone cost a mil- April 1, at 7 p.m. managed to squeak by to the next _ .1tl.~f"I" lion. _ • round/act of the opera. Friends 'tried to Urge caution Gallery 109: Toney soprano Pauline Walnuts as the budget soared but Spaniels Rusty Exhibit by artist and and baritone Tony Tonsils engaged expressed confidence that her fans former brewer Archie in a dueling duet after their solos, would pack the theaters. "\\'hat Scotty Getty, who works which did not go well. little girl doe-sn't want to be an American Idle judges Simon, Paula and Randy are notorius for their tough love, which they dished out only in the medium of The pair's perfomlance involved by the spoonful when they came to the Poohhill. Indian princess?" said Spaniels rusty metaL Opening so much eye rolling and arm waving about the story she helped script, reception . Wednesday, that the audience kept breaking out in a pre-release interview. "Af­ April 1 at 5 p.m.in nearby in giggles. un able to even comment, sitting with to opera. almost bringing down a piece with a ter all, I have already been a pop park. Bring ' your own Walnuts seemed to have trained his hand over his eyes. The final showdown began in high balcony window on her head. princess." Tn the same widely re­ bottle. as a singer by listening to Broadway In the end, the audience voted the fourth act, with soprano Sophie The soprano kept her cool, and ported interview, the pop princess tunes and imitating Ethel Merman, Pauline Walnuts off the stage. Singer going toe to toe with tenor continued singing, even as the flat hinted that her performance was Gallery Fizzio: with occasional random outbursts The next singer voted off the Luciano Lessons. fell, with the window passing harm­ so good, that her assistants were Digital Diapers Feminist of "There's No Business Like Show stage was baritone Tony Tonsils, The tenor seemed to have a little lessly over her. telling her she might even be artist explores the hidden Business" in her aria. whom Simon describes as having the trouble finding the right key. His With Sophie Singer as the last nominated for an Oscar. beauty of diapers by When it came to the judging, a fine sound of gargled gravel. Randy stage hand friends may have de­ opera singer standing, the American "Look At Me," which opened converting them into confused Paula had to ask, "Isn't commented that the baritone had a cided to help shift the odds against Idle judges fled at the first opportuni­ last Friday, can best be described digital video art. 'Madame Butterfly' supposed to be bit of drill sergeant to his vocal de­ the more talented soprano by tipping ty, with Simon heard to say, "Whose as a colorful, expensive-looking a tragedy, not comedy?" Simon was livery, which was perhaps not suited over another piece of the flimsy set, bright idea was this?" mess, perhaps destined to rival PEPR Gallery: "Sparkle," Bore-iah Carey's ill­ Staff photos. On-going fated foray into movie stardom, photo exhibit of snapshots REST AND RANT REVIEW as the worst movie of aJI time. of staff at the University. Fans initially did lUsh out to see Brittany Spaniels' move debut Lay the smack down at Smackdownald's but since then, ticket sales have dwindled. Many of Spaniels' de­ voted fans said they had trouble illEGAL TUNES in American Gladiator glory with accepting the bare-bellied star in By PHALANGIE the padded jousting poles to knock Smackdownald's a sari, singing Bollywood hits of Pro-Thumb Wrestler 1. Hate In This House - people's lights out. If you do not the past. A few remarked that her Gusher feat. Jazzy Jeff like that option, feel free to Indian accent, which the star in­ exchange the poles out sisted on using, made her dialog 2. "Holla"lujah - In a land where those sparkly for gigantically huge You***** can find a incomprehensible. Jeffray Suck ley golden arches used to lie is this new boxing gloves. Smackdownald's The stars use of tigers in some gem of a joint known as Smack­ For the little restaurant at almost scenes also got her in trouble with 3. Despise Anthem - Downalds. ones, Smack­ animal right activists but . Span- . Sara Versailles The five-star restaurant serves up Downalds provides every corner. iels defended her choice. "If I the meanest pile drive-thrus, 2-on­ an inflatable bouncy was going to re-create the scene 4. I Can't Breathe - I to a double cheeseburgers, lateral ring and the cutest from 'Flashdance' so essential to Jrdn Sparkplugs & Chris Blue cinnamon twists, Inside Step Single little pair of joust­ the story, then the water had to 5. Stunted (feat. Tee-Pee) - cheeseburgers, Over-tie Shuck nug­ ing poles. Bring your be dumped on both me and the Ar Kansas feat. Timber! Land gets and Leg Hook turnovers. cameras ... it is a sight tigers," said Spaniels. Staffed with the top wrestlers like to be seen. Spaniels highly-hyped acting 6. Please Stop the Music - good ole Mr. Hogan and his mus­ I n - performance left much to be de­ Rihannah minnesota tache, The Rock and Stone Cold, stead of sired. Not only was her accent dis­ 7. Elevator you know you are in for a treat. Do tile floors, tracting but it varied from scene to Ar Kansas not worry about entertainment be­ there is scene. Her dramatic scenes were cause all of the acting escapades of nothing bet- over the top and for her few comic 8. Peace Out Crocodile - the aforementioned are shown on a ter than the lines, the timing was off. Spaniels Billy's Daughter repeat cycle. It is pretty much amaz­ blue gym­ did best in the singing and danc­ ing. nastics mats. ing numbers but the sight of the What used to be booths are now So throw sari-wrapped blonde princess still tiny little family sized wrestling down or get seemed jarring. rings. Feel free to take out your ag­ down, but just The plot ill. "Look At Me" is gravation on your little brother, your make sure you nearly absent, serving only to car­ husband or even your grandma! hit the mat! ry one from one song to another. The exterior has changed as well. After the place Overall, "Look At Me" is a No longer is there a nice shiny play closes, there is complete waste oftime and mon­ place where all the fun plastic slides a little kids gymnastics class, but be There is a also Bloodbox, which p.m. (because the workers are a ey. However, like many pop stars and ball pit used to be. sure to sign up early since spots fill provides patrons the chance to rent bunch of old softies) sit back and en­ making the move to movies, the Now there is a freakin' cage fight­ up fast. the newest, bestest, most fantastical joy your delectable wrestler-cooked quality of the movie is not a bar­ 9. Criticism Only - ing ring! Beware though; this is When pulling through the pile wrestling attire including the most nuggets of goodness and watch the rier to career advancement, and Planet Jackson not for the faint of heart. You gotta drive-thru, do not be alarmed if it infamous of outfits, Nacho Libre's daily semi-celebrity death match. Spaniels is worlcing on a host of whack like you have never whacked talks back to you, since it is Candy (Dios, was that not the biggest waste Woot! 10. Contigo - new film projects. Old pop stars before. Savage's head sticking out of a hole of money?) It is televised on local stations, so never die, they just switch to mak­ Chris Blue However, this cage fight is done in the wall. At the end of the night, around 6 be sure to tune in at 6 p.m sharp. ing movies. March 31, 2008 ~hc ~tagnant Page 9-1-1

Artist's MFA changes crass film into art 1Chr ~tagnant

By MOVIE MARQUIS Entertainment Guru is vagina-friendly.

Envious of all the interest among students in filmmaking, a group of prominent artists, the Video Artists Unlike SOME campus · Inventing Novelty (VAIN), have de­ cided to convert lowly film into an art form by making movies themselves. papers. Buffy McMansion, one of the art­ ists of VAIN, is participating in an exhibition of video art at the campus Gallery 210,000 BC. "All we are trying to do is elevate *cough* this crass commercial medium by experimentation with filmmaking," The Current said McMansion about the efforts of VAlN. "Films have never been works *cough* of art and experimentation is some­ thing filmmakers have never done, as far as I knOw. Video art is all com­ pletely new, and it is art because it is made by people with Master of Fine Keep that in mind--it/s Arts degrees." Many film scholars pointed out P/JOJO COUl1f'.I}l oj u:ww.midlligbfcaJe.u ~ ordp,.ess.com that McMansion was mistaken in her Simone Mareuil plays a young girl in "Un Chien Andalou." McMansion, a self·proclaimed artist and the most important assertion about a lack of experimenta­ filmaker, had never heard of "Mareuil or "Un Chien Andalou." tion in cinema. They also noted that quality in a newspaper. cinema has been called an art fonn and gave as examples "Raiders of the tended it as art, and her l\1FA, made it mon technique used in filmmaking since the silent era, and classic films Lost Ark" and "Titanic." something entirely new and ground­ classes. were part of the collection of such The new art organization is being breaking. Film historians displeased by museums as the Metropolitan Mu­ backed by McMansion's prominent McMansion had sinlliar comments VAIN's stance on the artistic value of seum of Modem Art. McMansion and family, the McMansions of Dallas, on her recreation Edison's early film cinema commented that not only was the group dismissed the objections. who are helping finance the project "The Sneeze," but added that the fact artistic experimentation an essential "There is no need for any video along her personal aJ.t gallery. The that she projected the sequence on part of the history of filmmaking, but 1thr · ~tagnant artist to know anything about film his­ McMansion Gallery of Video Art will a box sunounded by lace made the some famous early twentieth century tory and the so-called 'art of film, '" feature only the works of Buify Mc­ work significant. "When Edison made artists were involved. said Buffy McMansion, the group's Mansion and other VAIN artists. his film, he was just demonstrating The 1928 silent experimental film has hijacked The Current's spokesperson. "Clearly, it is not art The McMansion family is setting what his camera and projector could "Un Chien Andalou" by Salvador unless someone with a tvfFA creates up a public relations group to promote do," she said. I meant this to be art, so Dali and Luis Brunuel is a plime ex­ it. Anything created by someone with the art works as good investments to it is completely original." ample of recognized artists dabbling dopey website. an MFA is by definition art. There­ wealthy buyers, especially those un­ For one of her other video projects, in early filmmaking. McMansion con­ fore, if th e filmmaker did not have an sure about other more controversial or McMansion spliced together scenes ceded that she had never heard of the l\1FA, it is not art." challenging modem art\vork. "Buying from various Hollywood movies and film and was unaware that there was When asked about famous film­ one of my little girl's pieces of art is a then projected the finished film on a ever any artistic involvement in film­ Visit makers, such as Charlie Chaplin, real fine investment," said Big Daddy bare wall. "The recombination ofvar­ making. Akira Kurosawa and Orson Welles, McMansion, the artist's father. ious snippets of fi 1m is a revolution­ "vl/hil e 1 recognize that Dali and whose work is considered to be art by One of McMansion 's projects is a ary idea that has never been done in Brwmel are famous names in the aJ.t www.thecurrentonl ine.com authorities around the world, McMan­ long, unedited film sequence of work­ the world of commercial film," Mc­ world, one has to acknowledge that sion said "\Vho?" She was wlfamiliar ers leaving a factory. \Vhile film histo­ Mansion said. it was an earlier time," McMansion to see how we're ruinin g with acclaimed films such as "The rians have pointed out that she is actu­ Several Oscar-wioning film edi­ said. "Now, one must have an MFA to General," "City Lights," "Citizen ally re-creating the Lumiere Brothers' tors immediately raised objections be called an artist. If they did not have their good name. We won't Kane" "Rashomon" and "The Sev­ famous early film, "Workers Leaving to her claims. Film scholars noted MFAs, it may not really be art. One enth Seal." She volunteered that she a FactOIY," the artist di smissed the that what McMansion had done was must have standards, you know." indeed had seen "some old movies," objections, saying the fact that she in- create a ';fOWld footage" film , a com- send you any viruses. Extra! Extra! Read all about it. We're the best paper ana we're gonna shout it! Seriously.

This Season at the Saint Louis Art 1vlz1seum

Thursday, April 3 The Houses of Frank Lloyd Wright

7:00 pm Auditorium- Free

Join architect, historian, and 3llthor Robert l\1cGaner as

he will explore the interior spaces, materials, construction,

and connections to nature in W right's Prairie, Concrete

Block, and Usonian Houses.

Thursday, April 10 An Evening with Sarah Oppenheimer

7:00 pm Audito ri um-Free

}'utist Sarah OppCll tleimer will discuss her work and

SATURDAY, MAY 10 rhe insrallation she creared for ClIri"I.'11ts 102: S.1r.lb M/illK TWAIN BUILDfNG Oppenheimer, which will be on , ie'.. \> - fr om April 11 10 AM. - College 01 NurSing - UMSUVIUJo int Undergraduate rhroughJuiy 6, 2008 in Gallery 337. Engineering Program , College of Fine Arts &Comm unication • School oi Social Work - Bachelor of General Studies Tuesday, April 15 What is Contemporary Chinei'c Art? Bachelor of Interdisciplinary Studies · UM·Rolia Engineering Education Center 7:00 pm ,-iuditorium-Free · Masters in Gerontology - Masters in Public Policy Administration Professor \\?u I-lung will discuss the. concept of ;'comem-

2 P.M. . College of Arts and Scientes porar), Chinese art" in relation to artistic intent, its place in

6 P.M. . College 01 Optometry the global an: \-vorld, and its relationship to Chinese soc.iety. (BLA:-\CHE 1i. TOl'H1LlI'ERI'O!t>;.t[l\G ARTS CEN Tl:"R)

Sl1NDAY, MAY 11 MARK TW'\IN BUILDING

2P.M . . College of Education

6PM . - College of Business Administration Page 10 Commandments 1Jthc ~myngnt March 31, 2008 ------Ghost that haunts bathroom enjoys Sudoku, world issues

"Mostly the school rag The Cur­ what is going on here." B y ANASTACIA BEAVERHOUSEN of the Millennium Stupid Center. "We uscd an instrument relatively new DUMSL paranOlmal scientists to the field called a Ouija board." rent is left in here, which is extremely Dolly has also expressed interest Dam Specialist have been investigating the activity in The paranormal sciences depart­ dull to read," Dolly said. "But some­ in finding a mate. She plans on get­ the lavatory since strange happenings ment has made contact numerous times there is an occasional reputable ting involved on http://www.Invisi­ The student flings open the door as \vere fi rst reported druing the con­ times with the being, who prefers magazine left in one of the stalls. I bleMatch.com. he hurriedly makes his way into the struction of the stupid center. to go by Dolly. Geebies said, "She just can't get enough of those Sudo­ "I know it may sound kind of un­ bathroom. "Ever since a lonely plumber re­ is very cooperative aside from the kus though. They are amazing for usual to meet a dating partner online, Quickly walking across the room, ported his tools missing and always spooking of students." killing time at night." but it's kind of the new trendy thing he suddenly stops as a toilet flushes felt a fa int presence when he was in Dolly said she enjoys the hospital­ The paranornlal sciences depart­ to do. I am not expecting anything to next to him. Startled, he looks aro und th room, we started placing yideo ity of the MSC. She hints, however, ment currently is \yorking on install­ happen, but it would be nice to have for another occupant, only to fi nd no cameras in the bathroom," said He B. to some downsides to being the only ing a computer in the bathrooms for a free wandeling ghost to spend time feet under the stalls. Geebies, head of the paranomlal sci­ ghost on the third fioor. Dolly. with," Dolly said. Suddenly, a beeping sound fi lls the ences department of 0 l ,MS L. "As a ghost, it is very difficult to Geebies said "Dolly wants to watch Students interested in the paranor­ room. Finally spooked, he turns on It was the placement o fthc ~e cam­ relate to others," Dolly said. ''I'm some network television shows, plus mal sciences at DUMSL should visit his heels and races through the door eras, which are siluated above e\ ery not allowed to leave the confines of also surf the Web." their offices in the FAKE building deciding to hold it rather endure an­ stall in both the men'5 and women's the bathrooms. Sure, it's fun to scare "I really want to watch Ugly Bet­ on west campus. Geebies said he is other moment in the eerie space. rutty, which helped capture th e image students. but I wish there was another f) '," Dolly said. " I am into fashion and always "looking for fresh and moti­ As the door closes behind hi m, he of what seems to be a girl that fre­ ghost to talk with. Or at least someone comedies, so when I read a review of vated students." swears he could hear a faint giggle quents the lavatories. to have water cooler chat with." the television show, I immediately "We have a great time," ' he said, echoing from the lavatOlY. "After we saw the image of the Dolly amuses herself much of the wanted to see what all the fuss was "There are a ton of research possibili­ This situation is faced by many being. a solution to communicate time by scaring students, but also en­ about] am also concerned about the ties on campus, and now with Dolly DUMSL students who risk their san­ \\'ith her became very clear," said Ima joys reading newspapers left in the violence in the Middle East and want we are in need of some great new stu­ ity by using the third fl oor bathrooms Fraud, senior, paranormal sciences. bathrooms and Sudoku. to always have up-to-date coverage of dents." New club gaInin• • g support

By ANAsrAclA BEAVERHOUSEN

Dam Specialist

A new student organization has formed on the DLTWlSL campus called the League And Zealous Yup­ pies For Kaputing and Eliminat­ ing Rolling Sacks (LAZY FKERS). LAZY FKERS's President Bea Strong sophomore, drama, says she stalted the organization after she had a run in with someone who was using a roller book bag. "r was walking across campus when a Neanderthal with a rolling sack zoomed by and trampled me," said Strong. "After that I knew I had to do something." Strong formed the organization three months ago with only a group of 11 students. However since then LAZY FKERS has gro\\·n to 76 stu­ dents with seven faculty sponsors. TOPTEN Strong attributes the popularity of LAZY FKERS to others being in the same situation she was. R,ejected Top Ten aft is just a nuisaiJ.1Ce aHdw Sofi Bonaparte· S/,,,lerojYJuL< those contraptions on campUs. ·r have Lists Vandals stomped out the words "EAT PUPPIES" across the snow near the M SC lakes. Investigations have been called off, and it is un­ seen numerous students injured from clear if the phrase was part of a longer message. The perpetrators faced no punishment for their crime, save suffering the melted snow crazy rolling book bag drivers. This in their footwear. organization allows students to band 10. Top ten first together to stop the insanity," said Strong. presidents of the According to DUMSL records, United States. Protesters protest being protested there have been 4(j incidents this year alone involving rolling book By DIRT M c GURK "We think th at this was an isolat­ The perpetrators of the prank. " College students are very im­ bags. Ivana Cure, pseudo nurse at the ed incident but we are sure to be on perturbed DUMSL student Camby pressionable and are easily suscep­ 9. Top ten sex posi­ Solll Stealer campus clinic, says she has treated the lookout for anymore snow graf· Cambridge, junior, political correct­ tible to do what others tell them to do everything from spraiJled ankles to tions. Campus police have decided to fiti for the next few months," officer ness, who is also assistant to the Re­ ." Cambridge barked. "This is just a broken bones. drop the search for th e vandals that Francis Poncherello said. ';We 'll be gional Supervisor of PETARD. small group of people out to provoke "The worst incident was when a faculty member with a wheeled book 8. Top ten boy wrote "EAT PUPPIES" in the snow working in shift well into the sum­ "If these people really wanted to a response, it's nothing more then in front of the MSC lakes, due to the mer on this one." convince me that eating puppies had simple shock value". bag rolled in front of a student, caus­ bands of the 90's. fact that the snow has melted. This does not sit well with mem­ any benefit at all, they should really "This would be like me going ing him to hip. Unfortunately, the incident occurred in front of flight of "Yeah we just didn't feel that we bers of the animal rights group PE­ stick to telling people the positive out and writing uEAT SHIT" in the stairs and he fell down them," said could carry on the case since all the TARD who frequently hand out their benefits of their cause and not resort snow." Cambridge growled. "It has 7. Top ten state­ Cure. evidence we collected also melted propaganda on the bridge overlook­ to blunt negativity and sensational­ been proven that the feces of ani­ Cure said she was skeptical of shaped corn flakes. in the evidence locker," officer Jon ing the MSC lakes. ism," Cambridge said as she hand­ mals that are fed an all-organic diet LAZY FKERS when she first heard Baker of the DUMSL police depart­ They believe that they were the ed out pictures of baby seals being are found to be high in protein, espe­ ofthe organization. However after the ment said about the February 30th targets of the elaborate snow callig­ clubbed to death to students on the cially cat feces." incident with student and the stairs, 6. Top ten Stagnant incident. raphy. bridge. "Now that's some good shit." she has since been a staff sponsor and staff members. has donated a month's salary to fur­ ; ------~ ------~------~------ther the cause of eliminating rolling book bags on DUMSL campus. 5. Top ten rejected N. O. Wheels, junior, anti-po­ Stagnant Mad Lips! litical science major, was the student top ten lists. who fell down the stairs because of The Stagnant, in an endless quest to entertain, has provided mad lips. Fill in the blanks, the rolling sacks. Since the incident, Wheels was elected as LAZY FK­ 4. Top ten ways and turn to page 11 to fill in your answers, Then turn them in (fa really realz). ERS' bill writer-er and is currently to fill up space in coming up with a request for funding Normal every day object 1 to install spikes around campus to newspaper layout. flatten wheels on rolling book bags. Adjective "This is our first push to stop the injuries caused by rolling sacks. We 3. Top ten numbers. Body part Exclamation are very excited and hopeful to see Plural noun Adjective what can happen with this piece of legislation," said Wheels. "Unfortu­ 2. Top ten days of Verb Last name nately my twin sister uses a rolling book bag and she is fighting for the the week. Adverb Adjective right to use one of the rolling bags." Noun Verb His twin sister, Anita Wheels, ju­ nior, wheeled engineering major, is 1. Top ten phrases Animal by~product Adjective the main opponent for anti-wheeled­ that should have Plural noun Adjective book-bag legislation. She plans on starting her own organization for stu­ been drawn into Vegetable Noun dents who have been outcast by the the snow. new anti-wheeled-book-bag grass­ Body part Adjective roots campaign. Number Adjective "It is just sad that we cannot all exist and play together. But I am pre­ Celebrity Noun pared to fight for my right to wheel," said Wheels (the girl one). Type of drug Noun It is going to be a steep uphill Weird habit Adverb battle for girl Wheels. A recent Web survey of DUMSL students finds Weird habit Verb 84.945783974 percent of students Verb support. some type of anti-wheeled­ Verb book-bag legislation. Body part "This survey shows the stUpid body is behind us. We are going to Something that sounds dirty but is not 1 Celebrity hold a rally in the coming weeks to A good sign off further gather support for our cause" said Strong. ' Noun LAZY FKERS meets every sixth Sunday at 10:49 a.m. in buildina HZQ on the East campus. .:> March 31, '2008 1Chc ~tagmmt Page Ocean's 11

THE STAGNANT PRESENTS MAD LIPS: WRITE THIS WAY Place the words you filled in on page 10 into this story for a fun filled description of your perfect mate.

My perfect mate would have ____ He/she would

smell of He/she likes to --- in his/her spare time. He/she values , __ ___ and . His/her favorite part of the body is

------. He/she would like to have ------children. He/she must look like and be on ______. I am looking for someone who can put up with my weird habits like and ______. This person should 12 Dirt McGurk • Sotd Slealer John Godzilla, director of Jock Straps, makes renovations to the Markie Mark Center on Fri· times a day. They should also be interested in/enjoy __ day, March 38. Godzilla has many plans for the building, including heated pools where Godzilla will breathe fire on swimmers, and new exhibition wrestling matches between himself and rival ______· and . Respond to your­ Rodan. [email protected] or call me at (314) FKU-DOME, but if you do, expect this message:

______! What do you want? Leave me alone. Students soul se-arching Okay, fine. You have reached the 's residence. It is so ______of you to ! I By CARAOKE FIASCO . said Maurice DaVIS, junior, conser­ the entire soul out. There are horror feel when we get phone calls unless, of Swiss Army Knife vative arts. "If I sell my soul for each stories of people losing half a soul or semester, I can afford· to buy books those that have a tiny bit left over. We course, you are . I am currently not home, in for that term. I don't need my soul want this to be quick and easy, just "We wanted to do something dif­ the , or I just don't want to talk to you because over spring break anyway." like me," Smithenhausen said. ferent, students are always selling The Dementors will be selling "Even if you aren't looking to buy magazines or candy to raise money, you are _____. So, please, leave a message, your gizzards, frog legs, fried catfish and one of our sensational but that's not for us," said Adrienne other soul food during the yard sale. souls, we ______,andyour ______Smithenhausen, president of Demen­ Soul singer Stevie Ponder will be want to cre- tors of DUMSL and I will get back to you as soon as possible. Listen ___ performing live during the event and ate aware- DD, a new organization on cam­ it is rumored he might be looking to ness of the ___ to these instructions. If you are calling as a telemar- pus, is holding its first Soulfest buy some souls. high costs fundraiser next \veek to help raise "I plan on buying at least six or of books," keter, go yourself. If you are my mother, please money for the high cost of school seven souls. I am opening a franchise Nelson textbooks. ______your now. If you are responding of Crazy Souls and Wraps and I will said. Textbooks at DUMSL cost an av­ need some employees on the cheap" to my ad, please bring me now. erage of$326.95 each. "Multiply that said Samuel Donker, graduate stu­ by four or five classes and you'll go dent, tactical studies. Thanks and ______bankrupt," said Nigel Nelson, fre-sh­ After the souls are sold" each rq.;w. apdrogenic aIQpeJ;ia. Dementor member will undergo an Dementors be selling their will exorcism. The souls will be removed souls during the Soulfes! yard sale. Email y our ans wers to [email protected] to be printed in our next issue. through the nose using a turkey baster Held in the creepy courtyard, e~ch by the winners. member will be selling their soul to "I've heard it isn't very the highest bidder. pleasant, but it's the The bidding will begin at $350, most efficient enough for one textbook. Saint Louis way to get McGee will be the event's guest auc­ tioneer and will be bringing his 0\',.'11 gavel. I Wan t t · "I am looking into leasing my soul out into timeshare agreements," I '- 0 SIgn up ft C asses no ~~ DISCLAIMER: PLEASE DO NOT READ!

Curious about The Stagnant?

Just a reminder: No problem. Take advantage of early summer The Stagnant is and fall registration at St. Louis Community CoUege our annual and get the classes you want, . parody issue for when you want them! April Fools and Summer registration opens March 19. should not be Fall registration opens April 10. ******************* Apply online, view course schedules taken seriously, and check out our new Visiting Summer Special Note: Students page at www.stlcc.edu. No monkies or except for the chancellors were ~ St.Louis · . harmed in the making of advertisements ~CE Community IIII.'S Co II ege this newspaper.; ******************* which are real. Page Dozen ~h( ~tagnan( March 31, 2008

This lawsuit will be for $18.18 wear tee-ball pants everywhere they CLASSIFIED ADS million, over 10 times the amount of go on campus, so, from now on." Classified ads are free for students, faculty and staff. To place an ad, please send your ad (40 words or less), your name, and student or Shady's first suit against DUMSL. Unlike most people, Shady does employee number to [email protected] or call 516-5316. He will use these winnings to not think this policy on wearing tee­ build a massive indoor stadium for ball pants all the time is too much DUMSL's tee-ball team. The facil­ to ask. FOR RENT MISCELLANEOUS ity, v:hich will be known as The 'Tm a [freaking] millionaire," Two Bedroom Apartment for One Traffic nclcet Trouble? Shadydome, will have all the finest Shady said. "I can do whatever the Bedroom Price Call UMSl's neighborhood attorney, Kris amenities. [heck] I want." SPECIAl!!! Two bedroom campul apartment Boevingloh ai 314-989·1492. "So, we're gOlma have an Olym­ Coach Shady is convinced that for $618/month. Must sign a lease before Speeding· OWl - Driving While Suspended ~ Mil' March 31 st! large apilrtments include . Accident Cases pic-size hot tub," Shady said. all of this will rettun the DUMSL dishwasher, garooge disposal, on-site laundry Confidential consultation. Affordable fees The old coach also wants to use tee-ball team back to its glory years, facilities, poo l, UMSlshuttie service, police starting at $75. his winnings to hire Roger Clemin­ so look for a lot of winning in the sub-station, etc. NO DEPOSIT! One Earn $800-$3200 a month to drive brand tines' former trainer, Blian McLa­ next few seasons. bedroom apartments also available. Call new cars with ads placed on them . mee, and bring in large shipments of "We are gonna be the best team todayl 314-524·3446. http://www.AdCarClub.com anabolic steroids and human gro'>';th in the nation in bunt defense and 1 Bedroom Campus Apartment for Non-traditional Students! Come check out hom10nes for the team. first and third situations," Shady S4121month-First Month Freel!! Delta Omega Alpha, a new .kind of greek social One bedroom campus aoartments now "We're gonna be real tee-ball said. "So, if we play LSU, we win. organization for men and wo men. We are hosting available at University Park Apartments. an informational session in MSC 314 on March 11 players," Shady said. "In fact, so, We win." Apartments include on-site laundry facilities, from 4 to 5:30 pm. a\l the tee-ball players will have to pool access, UM Sl shuttle service, etc. Apartments are literally 1 min ute from the Attention Dancers! Metrolink. S4121month. No deposit and first Tryouts for the UMSl Flames Dance Team month's rent free I Call today' 314·524· for the 2008-2009 season will be held on 3446. April 1st and 3rd at 6pm in the Mark Twain Building. We hope to see you there I For more Apartment for lease by Owner September 1- Cowboys quarter­ December 12- While in prison, information please contact Amanda Lucido at back Tony Slowmo asks manage­ Michael Pick produces a rap album large dorm style ap.1rtment on the top floor of [email protected] ment if they will put Lisaca Simpson entitled, "99 Problerns but a Female the Mansion at Mansion Hills Condomin iums. Wi ll accomodate 2·3 students. $600/month. Do you have UMSL Spirit? Show it on on the offensive line, specifically at Dog Ain't One." The success of the INCL UDES All UTILITIES I Available Now. Call April 2nd from 10am-2pm. Join alumni, students, center. This way they can be a little record lands Pick a role in the movie Jack at 314-607-4198. faculty, and staff in The Nosh by shDwing off closer during the games. "Longest Yard 2." your UMSL gear. Attendance prizes and popcorn Immediatly available 1 bedroom September 7- DCMSL's volley­ January 8- On ESPN First Take, for the first 200 who are wearing anything with apartment at Woodson Park A!lartments. UMS l on it. Additional grand prizes awarded to ball team makes a lmiform change, Skip Bayless admits that something Gre at location right off Page and 170. st flo or, those with spirit. Questions contact: blackjen@ adding a picture of Slim Jim Shady he said was actually wrong. ample closet space, washer/dryer connection, umsl.edu to each side of their spandex shorts. February 16- DUMSL sells out and new ~ chen appliances. October 24- Reebok gives tluee consecutive basketball games Ca ll 314-428·2 145 for the current special. Tutoring Available! Graduate Student in Cleveland Cavalier center Zydrunas after deciding to give out free park­ Mathematics and Education (secondary and I1gauskas his 0\\<11 shoe deal. Kids in ing p;:rmits to all students at the FOR HIRE college-level) available for tutoring high school the ilmer cities all across America games. and (ollege students in mathematics coursework. Award wining acoustic guitarist, location negotiable. Please call Amy at are seen with their "Big L's" March 26- As Mike Krzyzewski or Jazz tr io available for upcoming speci al November 9- In a SportsCenter approaches Bob Knight-in-shining­ events/functions. Please ca ll soon for b€st (314)725-2028 for more information and/or to pre iew, Stuart Scott asks Dick Vi­ armor's career wins record, Coach avail able dates&prices. (314)726·5114 secure arrangements for tutoring. tale who he thinks will be the col­ Knight-in-shining-armor coinciden­ lege basketball player of the year. tally decides to go bird hunting out­ Vitale mumbles, "I don't have an side Krzyzewski's house. You can Course Scheduling conflicts? opinion on that." decide what happens next. Consider Independent Study! Work around scheduling conflicts ... and get the courses you want. The ChipmUnk dancers jazz up legs to Harold Patton who oOlmces Enroll at any time in your choice of more than 150 courses the event by shaking their booties it over to Harry McNary that wan­ to the beat, dressed in their glow-in- . ders over to the seven point line and -- and take up to nine months to complete your studies. the-dark thongs. pretends to drop the ball as Moon "My song has won the hearts swoops in to grab it and shoo:.s a http:// cd is.missou ri .edul gal cu rrentss08.as px of thi nation, 1 can't keep it from basket to make a four point goal. them: · Moon said. "The way the ·'The Oopsie Daisy will knock UNIVERSITY OF MISSOURI Center for Distance &Independent Study light bounc~5 otfthe disco balls and the socks (Iff those Dreary Univer­ makes my eye~ sparkle is just fabu­ sity players. They might just faint ," The Current Classifieds lous." McNary said. "Robbie really is the Student The fans are not trampling in hero of our team. Befc-re he can1C lJi!I drones just to st:e Robbie Moon around we just juggled balls around Call 516-5316 or e-mail sing. 111.?Y com~ to watch him punt the gym, now we are actually win­ Sitters basketballs as well. ning games. I kiss the wound Rob­ I:iJ Since becoming one of the gang, bie walks, crawls and slithers on." [email protected] Moon has taught the team a new From pop star to gym star, Rob­ Make $10 per Hour play: The Oopsie Daisy. During the bie Moon has accomplished his or MORE! play, reverse quarterback, Chester dream. It is FREE! Williams p~5t'S the ball to Anton He is just missing some hot www.student-sitters.com Feldson who throws it under his babes and a can of easy cheese.

Caraoke rl8SCO • Swiss Army Knife A statue of SAGA president Cryin Goers is being pulled down during a rally on the DUMSL campus. The event was a celebration of Goers' resignation.

"Mr. Goers, how much did you Further investigation uncovered he needed ~elp picking out clothes," pay these women for their services?" that money allocated to the SAGA Less said. Another reporter asked. was used to pay the pretty ladies that While Goers announced he would . "Well, this one over here to my helped Goers pick out his clothes. resign from his position immediate­ right cost only 42 cents," Goers said. Authorities of DUMSL ap­ ly, opponents of Goers back on the "That's pretty cheap," the reporter proached SAGA bean counter Katie DUMSL campus rejoiced at the an­ replied. Less, who said she was l.maware of nouncement with the toppling of a Hackysack was taken aback. such misuse ofnmds and apologized life-like statue of the president. "Who you calling cheap?" on Goers' behalf. No announcement has been made Just then a shout was heard "I had noticed lately that Cryin who will replace Goers, but word has from the crowd. It was Rip-a-tutu, . has been dressing a lot nicer lately, it that whoever loses the Democratic who yelled, "That's fine! The closet but I thought he just picked up some nomination in the nationwide prima­ meant nothing to me, either!" She tips from Fashist Week held here last ries will take his place a.k.a Celery­ then stormed out. week. I never would've have thought Clinton.

The Stagnant: it's pupalicious March 31, 2008 ~hc ~tagnant Page Apollo 13

CURRENT CARTOONISTS Snapshots atjasonlovecom Stupid , Sconeborough by Cody Percolator . ,,/~ Horizons' " '- .~..... \ \-\1: 1N·\lY..;d Chtc.V- \O\hi ~t\S 1 fftH/ Jcool) ,.-:\,\15 ~ '{'{\ 'y\ e.w CO'(. ~D\t exce.f+", 8~osb, ARIES (March 21 to April 19) The choice you made to go sWimming In rr the Highway 141 flood waters was not such a good idea. You wake up this week pruned as can be and have to be rushed to the hospital be­ cause of it.

TAURUS "Sconeborough" is usually drawn by Queen Elizabeth (April 20 to May 20) This month something t) mayor may not hap­ Margaret and Hooray~ by Caleb Troo pen in your love life. You may or may not W O'lD y ofJ L€A~ I tfDO((..Ay!. meet the man or woman or wAr whatever of your dreams. You cttoOl- -ro'V ....y ? yO!)'" HAN V!! J could have a romantic night with your future partner. Or you may have a sad night with just you and TV dinners.

GEMINI King Crossword (May 21 to June 20) ACROSS You are due for a pro­ motion. That does 1 Caution IT not mean you will get 5 Phys ed one. just that you are due for venue one. Most likely it will go to the 8 Pack cargo brown-nosing twit in the cubicle 12 Sandwich next to you. Yep. It just did and cookie you will be arrested for punching 13 Floral him in the face. neckwear 14 Stephen King pooch 1--+--+- CANCER 15 Chicken- 16 Naked (June 21 to July 22) 18 Cruelness ~ You are going to wan­ 20 Wimbledon V ("\ der around aimlessly for awhile and then game ---.>' 21 Ahab or Kirk realize that you are t rapped in an alternate universe. (Abbr.) 23 Humor 24 Wood-shop LEO tool (JJiI23 to Aug. 22) 28 Ace or joker You may win the lot­ 31 Greek tery this month. You "Margaret and Hooray" is usually drawn by Cody Percolator mountain life? 7 Catcher's aid 30 Lawn moisture actually have to play 32 Credit's 54 Highland 8 Panoramic 33 Watch sound it to win it, but if you play it, opposite hillside 9 Prepare to 36 Aggressively you might win it. Someone has by Queen Elizabeth 34 Rink surface 55 Sans siblings run away lively to win it right? Maybe it will be ~------~----~~--~------~ 35 Slave of old 56 Scepter 10 California 38 Within reach you . Most likely it won't, but you 37 Boaz, to 57 Shrill bark town 40 Pub order won't know unless you play. Naomi 11 Knocks 'em 42 Bullets 39 Ocean DOWN dead 43 Roger VIRGO 41 Formerly 1 Stir-fry 17 Chop Rabbit, e.g. (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) 42 Head Hun cookware 19 Carnelian 44 Open slightly Your mom finds ou t she 2 Operatic solo variety 46 Days gone 45 Approved is pregnant. The The 3 Clarinet 22 Forbidden by 49 Saskatchewan l1l> Great Goetz-bee team 24 Bro's kin List-ending cITy insert 47 attacks you and yo u swell up 51 Memorization 4 Tyro 25 Citrus cooler abbr. like a balloon. Too bad because method 5 Quick looks 26 "Cheers" seat 48 Profound you were going to be asked out 52 Academ.ic 6 Japanese 27 Sifted 50 Past on a date. Better luck next time 53 Time of your money 29 - ViC10r mate. e 2008 Kin? Fe.,"", Synd .. Joc. LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) .!1. You will be reading a _ newspape r at this ex- act minute. You will be confused at how I know so Weekly SUDOKU much. You will agree that I am amazing. Then you will find $5.

by Stupid Sam SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov, 21) A family situation will TIL occur. Not sure what it is yet. It will just involve a family. Not necessar­ ily your family. Just a family in general. It will probably be good "Penn Spawn" is usually drawn by Caleb Troo since it is not your family. How do you like dem apples?

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec, 21) ~ ~ So you are going to l" I have a bad day at work 7 this week. The only good part is that you can go home and kick a dog or shave a cat. Pick you r poison.

CAPRfCORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) This week you will vp find yourself in a co­ nundrum. 10 points to the person who can tell me what a conundrum is. It is a good word to have in your vocabulary. Place a number in the empty boxes in such a way Kinda of like lederhosen. They that each row across, each column down and each are just fu n to say. small 9-box square contains all of the numbers from one to nine. AQUARfUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18) ~ This week watch out ~ for typhoons and DIFFICULTY THIS WEEK:! ! ! monsoons. I hear they are going to be a bitch this year. All that rain and spinning and stuff makes me dizzy...... oooo * * * HOLY CRAP THIS rainbows are pretty though. * * * IS REALLY HARD! PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) "'J..l You will get caught on 7\. one of those pesky red light cameras picking This week's crossword puzzle your nose. Then, on Thursday, • you will eat something bad and • spend the rest of your weekend has been left unaltered. F'-I ,. • puking up colors YOlJ haye never thought eXisted. Find the answers to this week's ..•

crossword puzzle and Sudoku at I BORN THIS WEEK; I Yo ur birthday is thi. week I I !!!! Ii .1 Woop-de-freakin-do! Do YO~ 1thc (turrent think that entities YOu to cake or something? Do not look at me ~.com for cake. I hate cake. I actlJ­ ally hate all sweets. Go to the (weed-Store and get Yourself some Rolos. Page 14-92 Columbus sailed the ocean blue 1:hc ~tagnant March 31,2008 WHO WiLL Be OU·R new mAscot?

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