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Stagnant, March 31, 2008 University of Missouri, St. Louis IRL @ UMSL Current (2000s) Student Newspapers 3-31-2008 Stagnant, March 31, 2008 University of Missouri-St. Louis Follow this and additional works at: https://irl.umsl.edu/current2000s Recommended Citation University of Missouri-St. Louis, "Stagnant, March 31, 2008" (2008). Current (2000s). 211. https://irl.umsl.edu/current2000s/211 This Newspaper is brought to you for free and open access by the Student Newspapers at IRL @ UMSL. It has been accepted for inclusion in Current (2000s) by an authorized administrator of IRL @ UMSL. For more information, please contact [email protected]. SINCE 1966 STUDENT RAG March 31, 2008 www.thecurrentonline.com VOLUME41, ISSUE 124'; MAD LIPS CONTEST Fill out your Stagnant Scandal oauses SAGA president to resign Mad Lips and win By PAULA ABDUL·JABAAR side adoringly throughout his entire Go to page 10 to fill out Make Me Sick Read speech. your Stagnant Mad Lips Editor-ill-Grief What is with that Paula Abdul­ "It's a private matter and I acted words and then place them Jabaar? Why does he like to dress in wrongly and I apologize sincerely in the Mad Lips story on women's clothing so much? Seriously, Cryin Goers, president of the and deeply and I'm just a bad person page 11. E-mail your results this is the thjrd year he has dressed in Sucky Ass Goers Association, has and I need to leave my post," Goers to [email protected] and women's clothes. It make, me sick. tendered his resignation after inves­ lamented. our favorite will be printed tigators exposed a scandal involving ing a hotel reservation for himself and "I wouldn't call you bad, Cry­ in next week's paper. Goers in a call girl ring of some sorts. an unidentified woman. in, more like naughty," Hackysack Goers admitted during a press con­ "I was just reserving a room to lay chimed in with a wink. See pages 10-11 ference that he paid more than seven out my possible outfits for the com­ Goers responded to questions by dollars, 53 cents and a piece of Juicy ing week. I had no idea," Goers said. local reporters. One reporter asked, INSIDE Fruit bubble gum on hookers from a "I guess all of their whore makeup "Mr. President, are the clothes you are local adult club, Hustler-Dollywood, should have been a tip off, but I just wearing right now picked out by one to help him pick out his clothes to needed help so badly!" of your 'lady-friends'?" wear to school over the course of six While his faithful viFe president "No, my mom picked these out for months during his reign as president. Candance Rip-a-tutu was missing by me," he answered. Hidden recorders from The Stag­ his side at the announcement, Go­ nant caught a telephone call between ers instead brought his hooker Ru­ Caraoke Fiasco • Swill Am.)' Knife Goers known as Client 3.14 confirm- Paul Hackysack, who stood by his See CRYIN GOERS, page 11 Cryin Goers (RIGHT) stands next to his hooker, RuPaul Hackysack. What's all the buzz? A NIGHT ON It's the Great Goetz-Bee Jolly Green buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz THE TOWN buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz Midget and buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz WITH PARIS Ron Jeronimo See page 6 HOLIDAY debate corn t< . ,,,' if·,... ~:·r.. i .• '. -?' . .,. .. /1. .. ........ By ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA . " \. I, r " -:~ _I '. .. INN Apostle·in-Cbief , ~t-::~' A Friends, DUMSLites, country­ '~~'. j, men, lend me your ears for a tale that l ....... , will surely seem a bit corny. The king of porn and the king of ~ com came together at DUMSL last week for a d t .. ..,.-- crowd so big that the event left staff dumbfounded. Why is Rhino Shooter Editor-in·Grief Paula Abdul· "We usually only see on average Jabaar of The Stagnant four to five students at events, but sleeping? Find out! shows up in a stretch limousine with close friend this debate brought out at least seven See page 3 Paris Holiday Inn at the or eight," said Merriam-Webster, debut of the 'Vagina Dia· ass director of the Office of Student logues' Wednesday, March Half-Life. "Who knew so many peo­ 33. Abdul·Jabaar has been noted as not being very ple were interested in a debate about 'vagina·friendly' in the past, com?" yet as he steps out of the Part of the limo, he seems to have no large draw was problem exposing himself Ron Jeronimo, Kick Read for the cameras. Can you noted director Maize, also known say hypocrite? of over 10,000 as corn in the films and Americas and mOVIes. Australia, is a The Hicks cereal grain that Reise's Pieces· A<Si5tmll .o ,be !Qui Sl«tier was domesticated Usurping in Mesoamerica. It American Idle debuts Sexy Kick­ was then spread Poohhill boxing Indigo throughout at the Elephant Stu- the American See page 8 dents group continents. brought Jeron- ON THE WEB More like 'Expand Strips, am I right? imo and the Jolly Green Midget, noted pastor of the questionable Church of Com By C3·PAULO ~htQ:u tnt with its headquarters in Iowa to hold .CIfNrf Protocol Droid a heated debate about something Web poll results: very dear to everyone: corn. Do you think SAGA When DUMSL Chancellor Curi­ "Ho, ho, ho, you are a ho, Ron president Cryin Goers ous George and Gorge Pez, CEO of Jeronimo! " is how the Jolly Green should have resigned? XXXpress Strips, sign.ed their souls Midget started off the debate. and first-born children over to create a "Whoa, hold on a minute. I partnership, neither one imagined the thought I was here to talk about porn, outcome that the collaboration would but my peeps must have got things have. Until now, that is. mixed up, but it's okay. I'll stay and XXXpress Strip's, where custom­ talk about. .. com?" Jeronimo said. ers can get a lap dance in five seconds "Well, good, because I got a lot or less, is in talks of constructing their of issues with you," Midget said. 53rd building on campus after popu­ "For example, your use of minors in larity of their services called for the your movie 'Children of the Com.' Hell yes! Nick Lachegie would never have done need for more buildings. And what about all those corncobs that. "XXXpress Strips is growing so you use in your movies without their fast We can't help but support them in husks on? Have you ever heard of Yes, he got caught. their efforts," Curious George said. "I the tenn demeaning? It's a-maize-ing No, it's UNFAIR! I do mean, those strippers need to earn that you haven't been arrested yet!" that stuff all the time! money to go to college, so we thought, "Oh yeah?" Jeronimo replied. • hey, we're a college. Maybe if we give "Well, first of all, you know there Who is Cryin Goers? them this land, they will take classes are laws in place like the Sweet Com here." Protection Act of 1989, so don't go This week's question: The Stagnant was able to obtain there sista! Besides, maybe you'd What do you think of blueprints for the expansion project. like to explain to the auclience here corn movies and The building will consist of only steel why you drive a 'Shrimp' Utility Ve­ the corn industry? beams and girders, just the framework hicle that does not use the friendly to allow makeshift and easily acces­ com E-85 jabillion ethanol fuel') INDEX sible poles for the strippers. McLovin • Hauwin Organ DOllor 2 See CORN DEBATE, page 3 Whays Stagn.~n.t... See XXX PRESS, page 5 Strippers perform on girders and beams at the latest addition to the XXXpress Scripts expansion. Facts 4-5 Jock Itch 6-7 Stay Weather Farts and Entertainment 8-9 Stagnant Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Q Sunday predictions made with this by Lucifer's Realm Fatures 10-11 Hi/Low: 127/126 Hi/Low: 132/124 Hi/Low: 122}120 Hi/Low: 157/155 Hi/Low: 148/144 Hi/Low: 17/14 Hi/Low: 135/133 ... ... ...... .. .......... .. .. ........ week's weather of Darkness Scribbles 13 Precip: 0% Precip: 0% Precip: 0% Precip: 0% Precip: 0% Precip: 0.5% Precip: 0% Weather.Team Page 2 to Tango ~hc ~mgmmt March 31,2008 CAMPUS THIS IS A STICK UP! 1Ihc ~tegnant The DlJMSL Student New'Spaper Tha['s wllat .sh e~d. CRIMELINE --lttfltTWJJS SiJiUiM -- VIERNES Paula Abdul-Jabaar • Editor·in·Grief Caraoke Fiasco. Swiss Army Knife Belle laney. None Ya Business Rob the Builder' ATM Judge Judi • Big Brother On Monday, the campus Mabel Syrup • Grammar Hammer Triton was trampled by a group Justi Capulet. Gramma r Hammer of mad cows. DUMSL officials Mclovin • Hawaiian Organ Donor are quiet about the story, but Movie Marquis· Entertainment Guru sources close to The Stagnant Jessica Bile' Ulcer Extraordinaire say the Triton was trying to Anastacia Beaverhoust'n • Dam Specialist milk the cows for cream for his Iguana Fuse' Jock Itch Ed itor White Russian. Apparently the Tommy Boy. Ass!. Jock Itch Editor Triton thought he was milking Phalangie • Pro-Thumb Wrest ler a cow, but it turns out it was a Blue Gene' LonelyGuy69 Dirt McGurk • Soul Steale r bull. The bull was spooked and Reise's Pieces • Danny Downer/ scared the rest of the heard, re­ Ass. to Soul Stealer sulting in the stampede Ink Slingers Jerry Ricearoni, Scoot Livestock, MIERCOLES B-B-Benny & the Jets Gillham, Craigs List Know-it-alls ATTMPT ID THEn Stu the Jew, Rhombus Shmelton, HEART INMSC Bill Cosby The victim reported that her Stealers of Souls heart was stolen in the Posh Courtney A.
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