C/) 0 The Holiday Nexus: Asking Questions, CD LL Finding Answers aith, food, family: a powerful bullies the other kids, the exhausted nexus that draws us all at this and cranky mother, the critical or Ftime of year, whatever our carping father. An interfaith mar• religion. riage in the mix can be like a lens that both magnifies and distorts Does your heart lift at the prospect existing stresses, and may also create of midnight services? Or did you new ones. Your aunt may think your already have your spiritual "high" partner is going to hell; your at the sounding of the shofar? Does C/5 partner's grandfather may be your mouth water in anticipation of convinced you are a closet anti- savory, crispy latkes, or is it the Semite. One grand• thought of spicy, luscious mother may pout gingerbread that gets because she can't give your juices going? ^ , ' religious artifacts to Whether your house• your children; the hold is an actively other grandmother dual-faith one, or one ; ~ may gloat because CD in which one faith is she can. practiced by all except . So what's the one partner, menu ...^ answer? I'll tell you: choices and even • " CD I don't know. I only religious observances know some of the can be negotiated to everyone's questions—and therein lies the key. satisfaction with a little good will Identify the questions, and try to and flexibility all around. keep them specific and as free of The crunch comes in the "family" emotional baggage as possible. element of the holiday trio. Do you Not "Why do you want to rob have fond childhood memories of our children of such a wonderful gathering around the tree on experience?" but "How can we give Christmas morning, or is it singing the kids the kinds of fond memories and playing in the glow of the Hanukkah menorah that fills your In This Issue heart? In my obser\'ation over years Intermarriage Made Me a of involvement with DovetaU, this is More Committed Jew 3 the area interfaith couples have the From One Grandparent most difficultv' dealing with. \Ve all to Another 5 want to pass on to our children and Making Hanukkah and grandchildren the experiences and Christmas Your Own 7 practices that bind us to our own most treasured traditions, perhaps Interfaith Families (Review) 8 even more than we want to pass on God Forgive My our religious beliefs. Christmas Tree 9 Best of Both Worlds 11 Then, of course, there are the Couldn't Make it to inevitable strains in nearly every family dynamic—the uncle who the Conference? 12 drinks too much, the cousin who Holiday Gift Ideas 13 The iGive Option 14 Bulletin Board 15 Volume 13, Number 2 November/December 2004 Dovetail
Plea for Volunteers Dovetail desperately needs assistance with clerical duties. They break down into three areas: we have without transgressing Asking—and answering—these 1) brochure and subscription the terms of our family religious questions won't make them go away. renewal notice production and choices?" Not "Why is your brother But as you read this issue of Dovetail, distribution; such a jerk?" but "Can we arrange you may find comfort in the variety 2) order fulfillment; things so that I don't have to deal of possible responses to them, and with your brother?" inspiration in those that chime with 3) database maintenance. yours. And whatever your choices, in And finally, there are the questions the words of that great intermarried Each of those takes about one you can ask yourself: Why is this American icon, Irving Berlin, "May day per week. If you might be holiday important to me? Which your days be merry and bright....'" m interested in taking on one or aspects of its celebration are reli• more of these tasks, please gious, which cultural, which per• contact Mary at 502-549-5440 sonal nostalgia? or [email protected] to discuss details.
Search for Director Mary has announced her plan to resign as Executive Director of the Dovetail Institute as of January 2006 at the latest. Please call 502-549-5440 or email [email protected] if you think you might like the job, or want to suggest someone Dovetail's website: else. Note: we are hoping to www.dovetailinstitute.org. maice this a salaried position Online discussion group: http:// eventually, but at the present groups.yahoo.com/group/interfaith Please remember us in time it offers only a $500 per (Dovetail members only). vour will and trusts. month stipend to cover expenses.
DoTCtail ISSN 106;-7359j is published Dovetail's Staff Dovetail's mission is to provide a channel of communication for interfaith couples, tbeir bimonthly (6 times per year) by: The Dovetail parents, and their children. No matter tdut Institute for Interfaith Family Resources, their specific choices regarding faith for their 775 Simon Greenwell Ln., Boston, KY 40107: Debi Tenner home and children, the more interfiith tel 800-530-1596; fax 502-549-3543; Editor families can share their ideas, experiences, Email [email protected]. resources, and support, the more they can A one-year subscription/membership is make peace in their homes and communities. Jewish and Christian persp€Cti\'es can dovetail. available for $59.95 from the above address. Jennifer Ashman Huey International subscriptions are $65.00. Single Associate Editor Believing that there are no definitive answers to issues are available for $5.50 each. the questions facing interfaith families, Dovetail Dovetail welcomes article submissions, letters strives to be open to all ideas and opinions. to the editor, and comments or suggestions. Kelly Kozlowsky Editorial content attempts to balance and respect Send to Debi Tenner, Editor, 45 Lilac Ln., the perspectives of both Jewish and Christian Managing Editor partners in interfaith marriages, as well Hamden, Ct. 06517, DebiT4RLS@aoLcom; as the diverse perspectives of parents and Review Editor Carol Weiss Rubel, 310 Tulip children of interfaith couples. Inclusion Circle, Clarks Summit, PA 18411-0213, Carol Weiss Rubel in Dovetail does not imply endorsement. [email protected]. Book Review Editor Dovetail accepts a thoughtful and constructive Copyright © 2004 by discussion of all related issues in the Letters to The Dovetail Institute for the Editor section, and reserves the right to reply. Interfaith Family Resources. All rights reserved.
November/December 2004 page 2 My Interfaith Marriage Made Me a More Committed Jew by Ellyn Bache
eople are oner. >-:-;!
November/December 2004 page 3 ^Dovetail
I also discovered, as many in inter• both our stubbornness and commit• married families do, that there is ment, there was never any question HOW TO ORDER sometimes a built-in prejudice we would stay. Yet it seemed a gift, DOVETAIL: against them, even in Reform if not a relief, when we moved to temples where many members are another town where over half the To place a credit card order for intermarried and the official policy temple's congregation was intermar• your own or a gift subscription is to welcome them. Terry, raised as ried (reflecting the national statistic), to Dovetail, please call a Catholic, no longer cared for and interfaith families were wel• 800-530-1596. To order by mail, organized religion at all, mine comed as openly as single-faith ones. included. Although he always came send your check for $59.95, It was here, finally, that I began to to temple when the children were made payable to DI-IFR, to: study in earnest. What mother wants involved, and to social events even her children to know more Hebrew when they weren't, he was simply DI-IFR than she does? In the adult begin• "not Jewish" and wasn't going to be ners' class, our endlessly patient 775 Simon Greenwell Ln. anything else. Perhaps as a result, a rabbi taught us not just to translate Boston, KY 40107 handful of temple members expected the prayers, but to understand them the rest of our family to rise to a in the larger context of Jewish belief New Electronic Option higher standard of "Jewishness" than I joined other discussion groups, they demanded of themselves. Did Access the Dovetail Journal asked questions out of ignorance, we have a seder at our house? Why online at your convenience! and was never made to feel stupid or didn't I volunteer at the Sunday marginalized. Gradually, by fits and Beginning January 1, 2005, we school? (Never mind that I had a starts, I became not merely a woman will be offering an online version baby at home.) I smiled and went with a Jewish background, but a Jew. of Dovetail; A Journal by and for my way. Nobody told me I "had" to do any of Jewish/Christian Families in PDF that. If my interfaith marriage hadn't format. Then there was the "holiday" tree. set me on the road to religious For us, it wasn't a religious icon; it commitment, I probably wouldn't At $39.95 (which also includes was a symbol of family closeness have. I have lived a richer life because membership and is tax-jdeduct- and warmth Terry had grown up ibJe), you may access each issue with and wanted to pass on to his as often as you like, search children. Try explaining that to archived issues, download and your Jewish friends. We celebrated print the PDF—you're in control. Hanukkah by lighting the menorah, If you choose this option, you eating latkes, and playing dreidl, but will be sent your access code we exchanged presents mostly at upon our receipt of your $39.95. Christmas. Close friends visited all Order on our website through the season, but we invited (www.dovetailinsitute.org), casual Jewish acquaintances before or telephone (800-530-1596), or after the holidays, not during them— mail (775 Simon Greenwell Ln., not because we were uncomfortable Boston, KY 40107). You will then with our choice, but because they be notified by email as each new were. issue becomes available. Mixed Messages An electronic membership/ That said, the children and I acquired subscription entitles you to the a lot of friendships, an education, same privileges as the conven• and a place in the community. If at tional system. times temple membership tested
November/December 2004 page 4 From One Grandparent To Another by Irene Davis
children, she suggests asking, Irene Davis is a Toronto-based writer "What's it like for you to celebrate and grandmother Irene came across two different holidays, to have two I different reUgions?" Dovetail while surfing the Internet - ..e other, and agreed to share her story with Eisen's most important piece of ind their parents Dovetail as the Jewish grandparent advice, I think, is that grandparents iavs, \Nith every- remember their place in the scheme of three intermarried children. She .-. . accompanying of things. "It is not the grandparents' has seven grandchildren ranging in rituals. In this way, our son and role to judge how the parents make daughter-in-law hope, the children age from 14 down to 4—two in decisions in this area," she points will grow up appreciating both their Adelaide, Australia, two in Apex, out, "but to be supportive, so that mother's and their father's cultural everyone feels comfortable and the North Carolina, and three, happily background and religion. relationship can be maintained." closer to home, in the Toronto area. Once such a scenario was compara• When you think about it, it comes tively rare, but these days countless down to respect: for your child and famihes around the country are his or her choice of life partner, for melding two cultures and religions. your child's spouse, for the spouse's And like myself, hundreds of family—the other grandparents in grandparents are learning to walk the the equation—and yes, for your fine line of transmitting their culture grandchildren, for you are showing and traditions to their grandchildren them that you love and value their without pushing it as "the right family, with all its traditions, and way," or treading on the beliefs and therefore that you love and value sensibilities of their child's spouse. them. So enjoy and celebrate those How well we succeed will probably traditions with them. determine whether our relationship with our children and grandchildren How to celebrate? is warm and loving, or whether it is uneasy or even hostile. To help us all Gifts are appropriate for both fmd our way, I asked Resa Eisen, a holidays. Hanukkah calls for "Ha• family therapist with a special nukkah gelt"—small sums of money interest in grandparenting issues, given to the youngsters in the family. for some pointers. We like to stock their piggy banks with loonies and their tummies with At the top of Eisen's list was: "Don't chocolate Hanukkah gelt (gold and bad-mouth or put down the child's silver foil-wrapped chocolate coins). parent or his or her religion. That We also provide dreidls—small tops creates a very uncomfortable imprinted with the Hebrew letters situation for the child." Instead, she that begin the words" [A] Great advises, be open to different tradi• Miracle Happened There"—to spin tions so the child is not afraid to talk and play traditional games with. about his or her "other religion." In fact, encourage the chUd to talk. Ask, Because I love books, I also give for example, what they are doing at books, handing out such favorites as school to celebrate the holidays. Goodnight Moon, Where The Wild When you think about it, Perhaps the chUd is making a Things Are (and other Maurice it comes down to Hanukkah menorah or writing Sendak goodies), and Dr. Seuss a letter to Santa Claus. With older books to my preschoolers. This respect...
IMovember/December 2004 page 5 ^Dovetail
Dovetail's Editorial Advisory Board
Rabbi Dr. Arthur Blecher Licensed Professional Counselor, year I'm including a subscription to sets, doll houses, and workshops as Washington, D.C. Chickadee, a wonderful magazine for well as the latest in computer games. 3- to 8-year-olds. I also look forward Dr. Eugene Fisher In either tradition this season is the to giving them some of my child• Director of Catholic-Jewish Relations, Festival of Lights. Hanukkah lighu National Conference of Catholic Bishops' hood favorites when they're older: shine out a call for freedom— Secretariat for Ecumenical and Inter- Anne of Green Gables and the other freedom from oppression and religious Affairs and a member of the Anne books, Alice in Wonderland, International Vatican-Jewish Liaison freedom of religion; the Christmas Mary Poppins, Five Children and It, Committee, Washington, D.C. message is one of hope, peace, and and The Secret Garden. Rev. Betty Gamble goodwill. The child who is heir to Associate General Secretary, United Methodist With Disney issuing on video the old both traditions cannot help but be General Commission on Christian Unity & animated movies we loved, classics enriched, and if we as grandparents Interreligious Concerns like Pinocchio are also contenders. can truly share this time with our Rabbi Julie Greenberg children and grandchildren, we VSTU Director, Jewish Renewal Life For Christmas, of course, Santa be enriched, too. p Center in Philadelphia, Pa. brings sleighloads of wonderful
Joan C. Hawxhurst things, and the space under the Founding editor of Dovetail, president of Christmas tree blossoms with such Dovetail Publishing, Inc., author of liuhhe traditional favorites as skates, train and Gram: My Two Grandmothers
Kathryn McCabe Intermarried Presbyterian elder, journalist, and editor in Chicago TEMPLEGATE PUBLISHERS Rev. John Wade Payne Phone: 800-367-4844 • Fax: 217-522-3362 Co-Author of Happily Intermarried: Website: templegate.conn Authoritative Advice for a Joyous Jewish- Christian Marriage Judaism for the Non-Jew JUDAISM FOR THE Rev. Bernard Pietrzak by Barry A. Marks Roman Catholic counselor to interfaith NON-JEW couples in the Chicago area, based at St. Raymond Church, Mt. Prospect, 111. Brief introduction to Judaism appealing to interfaith couples, those expressing Ira Pilchen an interest in Judaism or simply as a Intermarried magazine editor and college refresher course on the basics. JUDAISM journalism instructor in Chicago
Mary Helene Rosenbaum "These concise explanations will appeal to readers, Executive Director, DI-IFR; Co-Author whether they attend church, mosque, or synagogue," of Celebrating Our Differences: Living Two Illinois Times Faiths in One Marriage "Excellent for families of interfaith couples as well as any• Dr. Stanley Ned Rosenbaum one who has ever tried to explain or understand Adjunct Professor, Univ. of Ky.; Co-Author Judaism." Patricia B. Brauner Pli.D., Oak Park, IL of Celebrating Our Differences: Living J'wo Faiths in One Marriage Barry Marks serves as rabbi of Temple Israel in Springfield, Illinois, where he is active in civic and Jewish Oscar A. Rosenbloom community affairs. Founding Member and Cantor of the Interfaith Community of Palo .Alto, Ca. ISBN 0-87243-261^ 224 pages $11.95
Carol Weiss Rubel Order from barnesandnoble.com, amazon.com, your favorite Intermarried educator with advanced bookstore or directly from us. degrees in English and education, adult child of interfaith parents Membership on Dovetail's Editorial Advisory Board does not necessarily imply endorsement of the articles and opinions expressed herein.
November/December 2004 page 6 Making Hanukkah and Christmas Your Own by Susanne Hicks Newman
elebrating Hanukkah and butter in an 11- or 12-inch non-stick From Latkes and Milk for Santa Christmas takes a bit of skillet and heat until frothy. Add the (unpublished); © copyright 2004 by planning, especially in terms grated potatoes, pressing and C Susanne Hicks Newman, all rights of food. Every year we make about shaping them into a skillet-sized twelve loaves of Christmas bread, pancake. Salt and pepper the top. reserved; reprinted by permission. and the kids deliver them to neigh• Cook on high heat for 3 minutes, bors and friends. until the underside of the pancake is crispy and dark gold. Carefully flip We have a standard family Hanukkah the pancake over. (I do this by sliding menu, but have experimented quite a the pancake onto a diimer plate, then bit with the latkes, or potato pan• flipping it over by turning the plate cakes, so I have included our two upside down over the skillet.) Turn favorite recipes. the heat do«ni to low and continue Hanukkah cooking, uncovered, for 17-18 minutes. Slide onto a serving plate One relative gave us a three-day and cut into 6 equal portions. stomachache the first time she made potato latkes. While she followed a Christmas family recipe closely, she did not heat Cranberry Applesauce (6 servings): the Crisco to a high enough tempera• Chop 2 cups of cranberries and 3 ture before cooking the latkes. peeled and cored Granny Smith Consequently, they absorbed a great apples. Put the chopped fruit in a pot deal of fat, leaving us quite uncom• with 3/4 cup of apple cider, 1 cup of fortable. I have experimented with sugar, and a dash of nutmeg. Cook about half a dozen recipes, and until the fruit is soft, the sugar has found the following two to be the dissolved, and the mixture has most tasty and foolproof Serve them thickened. plain, or with applesauce and sour cream on the side. Christmas Bread: The following recipe is for one loaf I do at least 6 Potato Latkes #1 (6 servings): Mince loaves at a time and bake them in a small onion and add to it 2 eggs, 2 disposable aluminum bread pans tablespoons flour, 1 tablespoon (sprayed with Pam) so that I can baking powder, and 2-3 medium leave them in the pans and wrap sized potatoes that have been peeled, them as gifts. grated, and patted dry. (I like Yukon Gold potatoes best for this recipe.) Mix 2 cups flour, 1 cup sugar, 1 Add salt and pepper to taste. Form teaspoon salt, 1/2 teaspoon baking about a dozen small pancakes, and soda, and 1 1/2 teaspoons baking saute in melted butter over medium powder. Add 1 egg, 3/4 cup orange heat until golden brown on both juice, and 2 tablespoons olive oil. sides. Chop 3/4 cup pecans and 1/2 bag of cranberries coarsely in a food Potato Latkes #2 (6 servings): Peel, processor and fold into the dough. grate, and pat dry 5 potatoes. (Again, Spray a bread pan with Pam, pour in I like Yukon Gold potatoes the best, the dough, and bake at 350 degrees but any russet potato will work fine. for about 1 hour or until a toothpick Red potatoes do not work well in this comes out clean. ^ recipe.) Melt about 3 tablespoons
November/December 2004 page 7 ^Dovetail Interfaith Families: Personal Stories of Jewish-Christian Intermarriage, by Jane Kaplan (Review)
Interfaith Families: Personal Stories of t was not until I had completed toward navigating the waters of Jewish-Christian Intermarriage, by Jane Ireading Jane Kaplan's new book intermarriage. Kaplan's sensitive Kaplan (Westport, Conn.: Praeger, 2004) that I discovered the forward was portrayals of individuals' inner written by Phil Donahue, the turmoil as well as their public legendary television talk show host. declarations of intention to preserve- Rather than that being an interesting religious tradition entice the reader side note, the connection between to continue. Donahue's introduction and the In a wonderfully balanced manner, book's content crystallized my Kaplan's second section presents conviction that I had just finished some couples who are choosing reading the literary version of a to create a Christian family life. television reality show. However, as the author notes, far Granted, there are no isolated islands fewer are choosing Christianity in Kaplan's work—unless, of course, instead of Judaism as the primary- one considers the island of isolation religion: "Pressure on the couple to from a birth family to be every bit as have a Jewish life can be very strong." real and even more terrifying than That said, the very real option of "made for television" banishment to establishing a home in the Christian a tropical island. Likewise, there are religious mainstream of this coun• no vignettes depicting starvation and try—an option that speaks to the wasting away due to lack of nourish• omnipresent and overarching fear ment—unless, of course, one believes of intermarriage for most Jews—is that nourishment for the soul and discussed with candor and sensitiv• Carol Weiss Rubel is an educator spirit is as vital to the human ity. who holds a bachelor's degree in condition as a requisite number English and advanced degrees in of calories. Kaplan next moves toward the ways in which couples can integrate both English and education. A community Actually, I found Kaplan's collec• traditions into their home by activist, her creative approach to tion of individual stories to be a true acknowledging that, while this choi_. problem solving has resulted in the "piece of reality" far more significant is not particularly common, "it no than prime time drivel and far more longer seems as unusual as it once formation of an alternative high likely to personally affect anyone did." Finally, Kaplan presents the school program for at-risk teens who reads the work. In the best possibility that neither Judaism nor (Scranton City School District, spirit of Dovetail's mission, this Christianity may work for some, and Pennsylvania) which has been book explores a range of options that alternatives (ranging from other for interfaith couples. religious traditions to no religion at presented as a national model. all) may, in fact, be the best choice Sought after as a resource and "There are stories about men and for some intermarried couples. motivational speaker, Carol women who are adamant about wanting to raise their children as Interfaith Families is "reality" at embraces colla-boration as the Jews even though they aren't par• its best: honest, clear, sensitive, and optimal problem-solving model in ticularly religious themselves," riveting. Pick it up and turn off the professional and personal avenues. Kaplan writes. She begins her book television if you truly want to Carol Weiss Rubel is the adult child with a section called "Choosing a discover what life as part of an Jewish Family Life." In it, the reader interfaith marriage is. ^ of an interfaith marriage; she is a meets couples who discover that the practicing Roman Catholic married to initial choice of choosing to love an observant Conservative Jew. each other is only the first step
November/December 2004 page 8 God Forgive My Christmas Tree by Deborah Vilardi
hang another butterfly on the that's wrong with him, I can live with Debbie Vilardi began writing in the Christmas tree. Another year has that." It was not the response my eighth grade to rave reviews from passed, and I still wonder about it mother intended. It wasn't my I her teachers and parents. She and its place in my life. I still wonder mother's decision. what God thinks looking down on resides in Comma cl(, New York with me. Can God, will God forgive my Ghosts her husband of thirteen years. They Christmas tree? Some members of our famihes have a toddler and a baby on the accepted us, but some also stood Like most good little girls, I grew way. Debbie writes essays, short against. They were like the ghost of up with a dream of the man 1 would Jacob Marley advising us about our stories, and poems. She is also someday marry. He would be tall, but future and lamenting the evil that working on a picture book and a not too tall, have dark hair and eyes, could come of our union. We heard and be Jewish. The last part was a middle grade novel, Darklands. everything from "as long as they're given even though I lived in an happy" to "I'll cut her out of my Italian neighborhood and went to will." We didn't listen to them. It was public school. There was one other our decision to stop or go forward, Jew in my high school class, and one but I couldn't leave God out of it. girl from an interfaith marriage. I Intermarriage isn't something one didn't get along with the kids in does. What would God think? Hebrew school, so my dream prospects were slim. I met Greg in Confusion came like the Ghost of 1987 at the end of my senior year Christmas Past, throwing tradition of high school. He's 6'5" with light in my face. Wasn't I the little girl who brown eyes and hair that reddens in ended my parents' holiday arguments the summer sun. He's Catholic. It by reminding them how we'd was no surprise to me that I agreed celebrated in previous years? They to go out with him. It was time to argued about the differing traditions date someone. My parents said that they grew up with. I became the one date, the second of my hfe, keeper of the compromises they'd wouldn't likely lead anywhere. made for our family. What would CoDege would give me more pros• happen to those traditions now? pects. I broke up with Greg at the Greg went to church every Sunday. end of the summer, but we stayed I went to temple for the High Holy friends and he told me we would Days, but only because I still lived in marry one day. We got back together my parents' house. We began to the following spring. explore each other's religions and ask questions about belief I went to The rest is my mother's fault. Really. church with him a few times, and he After we dropped Greg off at his came to Hillel with me. We found the house one evening, my mother lines between what the religion turned to me and presented a list of taught and what each of us actually his attributes: he's smart, caring, he believed. Tradition is learned. It can I became the keeper of has good job prospects, and he really be taught and shared. seems to like you a lot. The list went the compromises they'd on until, "It's too bad he's not Then another ghost appeared, Guilt. made for our family. What Jewish." Immediately, I knew she My grandfather developed cancer. was right; he was almost perfect. What if this was God's response? My would happen to those I thought, "If that's the only thing punishment? Confusion fed off Guilt traditions now?
November/December 2004 page 9 Dovetail
and spawned a third, more powerful specter. Fear. I tried to push Greg Radio Interviewees away. He was halfway across the state at school, but he refused to let that Sought separate us any more than breaking Looking for couples whose union up had. He knew that my grand• bridges a difference... of faith, father's illness had nothing to do race, or culture. I am working on with us, no matter what I felt about a project for public radio to be it. What kind of God would punish broadcast around Valentine's Day the grandparent for the sins of the 2005. This will be a thoughtful, grandchild? Why was it a sin anyway? respectful, informative, and We cried on the phone into the very emotionally engaging explora• early morning. Love means some• tion into romance and long term thing to God too. That's the conclu• commitment between individu• sion we came to. als from different backgrounds: the challenges they face and the Realities resolutions they find. There is no We were married in the most connection with any particular acceptable way for both religions. religion or sect and will not be Greg filled out dispensations for used for any kind of the church, and we had a Jewish prostelytizing. There is no ceremony. Both families came. We confirmed broadcast outlet at agreed to raise our children with present, but for more informa• both religious traditions as well. Greg tion about the production fasts for Yom Kippur and I don't eat company and the kind of work meat on Fridays during Lent. We we do, visit our web site at light Hanukkah candles and an www.flaneurmedia.com. Anyone Advent wreath. who ends up being included in the story would have to give We periodically revisit the decisions explicit written permission, so we've made to see if they still work. there is no obligation simply in We've addressed the challenges of contacting me for more informa• Confusion, Guilt, and Responsibility tion. to our families and heritages. Fear remains as nagging doubts. Have we We are particularly interested in made the right choices for ouj^eh-es couples who live in or between and our children? \\'ill our beUe& Washington DC and New York change incompatibly with the City so that we might do the passage of time or the passii^ of the actual interviews in person. If at generation before us? Can God, will all interested, feel free to contact God, forgn-e this Christmas tree? me directly. I hang the Baby's First Christmas Julia Hammid ornament near the ones we received [email protected] as gifts expecting that 111 always 410-254-6890 wonder. 5*
November/December 2004 page 10 The Best of Both Worlds by Laura Sagar
hen I was younger, I knew to lighting the menorah every night. Laura Sagar is an MBA student my father's side of the We'd turn off the Hghts and my dad at Niagara University. She is the Wfamily was Jewish, but I would light the "server" candle; we'd wasn't sure what that meant. I never take turns each night lighting the assistant manager for Barnes heard my father talk much about his other candles. & Nobie College Bookstores at faith. My grandparents would send D'Youville College in Buffalo, NY. cards for the Jewish holidays, but I Christmas in our household was had no idea what these holidays pretty standard. We put out the meant. I did know every year at the cookies and milk for Santa Claus, same time, I would receive cards with and attended Christmas Eve service. money inside. My parents have since divorced (not because of religious differences), and My parents respected each other's we no longer celebrate both holidays. religions. They discussed raising us Still, it was significant that we as both Jewish and Christian. celebrated both when we were Because my father, for the most part, younger because we were exposed did not practice Judaism, my mother to what both sides of the family do. raised my brother and me as Chris• tians. 1 have always wondered what When I was a teenager, I was con• my father's parents thought about firmed in the Presbyterian Church this decision, but have never had the where I am now a member. This courage to ask. I was baptized in a church and faith is where I was Christian church, but I was also raised. I have chosen to continue to named in a Jewish temple. I have study this religion for the rest of my attended services and church school life. I feel like part of my church at Methodist and Presbyterian family, and when I have children, churches. I think that church school I plan to raise them as Presbyterian. was very beneficial for me because I My brother and I still exchange learned not only about my religion, religious cards with our Jewish but also about my father's. grandmother. We respect her religion as she respects ours. I think she's As I grew older, I learned more of happy that we learned about her the meaning of the Jewish holidays. faith while also learning about our I understood why we lit Hanukkah own. Although I was not raised candles for eight days, the impor• Jewish, I was exposed to Jewish tance of Passover, and the true traditions and beliefs; I received the reasons for celebrating at a Seder. best of both worlds. I consider myself I attended a bar mitzvah for my lucky to have been raised knowing second cousin, and while I did not both my parents' faiths. Interfaith understand most of the service (in marriages can have problems, but Hebrew), I enjoyed being there to they can also lead to happiness and celebrate with the Jewish side of my excitement. The sharing of two family. partners' faith and traditions can We have always celebrated Christ• strengthen and enrich the marriage.^ mas, but when we were younger, we I consider myself lucky to celebrated Hanukkah also. We did have been raised knowing not receive gifts for those eight days, but mv brother and I looked forward both my parents' faiths.
November/December 2004 page 11 Couldn't Make It to the Conference? Order Tape and Transcript Packets—Share the Experience
NEW! Wedding Ceremonies Kit Single Transcripts This kit is designed to help interfaith couples make Order separate transcripts from the 2004 decisions regarding their wedding ceremonies. Topics conference—still a bargain at $9.85 each covered including finding a suitable officiant or officiants, ($10.95 for non-member/subscribers). Or save choosing a locale, the inclusion or exclusion of symbols and words, appropriate music, resolving conflicts, working still more by choosing any 10 for $89.95; with extended family members, and much more. Formats complete set $169.95. are varied, including articles from Dovetail, A Journal by and for Jewish/Christian Families; transcripts of discussions Tl:04 Designing and Celebrating Your Wedding on the topic from the Dovetail Institute's three previous T2:04 Jewish Values in Interfaith Relationships national conferences; a video of Steve and Cokie Roberts T3:04 Interfaith Education discussing their interfaith wedding in 1966, their marriage, T4:04 Death and Dying: Customs and Rituals and their children's weddings in 1998; excerpts on diskette T5:04 Create Your Family Vision I from an unpublished book by Rabbi Reeve Robert Brenner T6:04 Create Your Family Vision II entitled "Jewish, Christian, Chewish or Eschewish? Inter• T7:04 Baby Welcoming Ceremonies faith Marriage Pathways for the 21st Century;" an up-to- T8:04 Dispelling the Myths about Intermarriage date Ust of officiants; and a copy of Joan Hawxhurst's book T9I:04 Getting Started Forming Your Family Interfaith Wedding Ceremonies -Samples and Sources. T 10:04 Spirituality for Interfaith Families Tl 1:04 Creating Interfaith Services (The Annual C>-cle Purchase our Interfaith Services & T12:04 Torah and Jesus: A Dialogue Ceremonies Package today and save 15%. T 13:04 Making Choices for Children Includes: T14:04 Coming of Age Classes and Ceremonies TI5:04 Building Local Interfaith Communities Excerpts on Disk from "Jewish, Christian, Chewish, or T16:04 Create a Successful Interfaith Relationship Eschewish? Interfaith Marriage Pathways for the T 17:04 Early Christian Practice 21st Century" an unpublished book by Rabbi T18:04 Marriage Wisdom Reeve Robert Brenner. _T19:04 Learning from Interfaith Children Updated list of clergy and laity willing to officiate at T20:04 Rabbi, Prophet, Messiah, King: Jesus and Judaism interfaith weddings. T21:04 Intermarriage and Conservative Judaism Ten relevant Journal issues, four audiotapes and a video• T22:04 Pursuing the Anecdotal: A Look at the Emotional tape, and six conference transcripts, PLUS Development of the Children of Intermarriage> Books: Interfaith Wedding Ceremonies, T23:04 SF Bay Area Resources Panel: Institutions New Beginnings, In the Midst of Life T24:04 SF Bay Area Resources Panel: Jewish Education and your choice of ceremonial certificates: T25:04 Interfaith Identity on the College Campus Ketubah, Baby-Naming Certificate T26:04 Intermarriage in the Bible $225.00
The perfect gift for Other Packets that special couplel Each packet contains a Older and Adult Chil combination of transcripts and Infants and Small Ch Conference 2004 Videotape tapes from all four Dovetail Now Available conferences, constituting a Holidays and Family "Torah and Jesus" and $45-$50 value for the bargain Groups and Institutions "Emotional Development of price of only $35 per Children of Interfaith Marriage" Death & Dying; Divorce $10.95/S9.85 member price VIX packet! Use the form on p. 13 to order anything on this page.
November/December 2004 page 12 For the People You Love Holiday Gifts for Engaged Couples, Parents, Grandparents, and Children
5005 Bubbe and Gram: My Two Grandmothers by Joan Hawxliurst $ 12.95 SOOl Celebrating Our Differences: Living Two Faiths in One Marriage by Ned & Mary Rosenbaum pb $ 15.95 he $ 19.95 10005 Guide to Jewish Interfaith Family Life ed. by Ronnie Friedland and Edward Case $ 18.95 3040 Interfaith Family Guidebook by Joan Hawxhurst $ 16.95 5000 Interfaith Wedding Ceremonies: Samples and Sources by Joan Hawxhurst "\ 19.95 5015 Raising Your Jewish/Christian Child by Lee Gruzen (revised edition) ^ ' $ 14.95 New gift-wrapping option: glossy white paper, gold ribbons and seals. Add $5.95 per item. \
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Mail form to 775 Simon Greenwell Ln., Boston, KY 40107 Call or visit website for complete resources lists or call 800-530-1596 or register on-line at www.dovetailinstitute.org. Add $4.50 s&h 1st book, $1 ea subsequent book. r 1 1 Item number/Description Gift Wrap Ouantitv Price Shipping Item Total i
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November/December 2004 page 13 ^Dovetail
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Clergy Counseling Rabbi Allen Secher, a founding board member of Dovetail Institute, is available for counseling interfaith couples and their families in person, on line, or by telephone. Rabbi Secher is a longtime adviser to the largest interfaith group in the country, and has been an officiant or co-officiant of interfaith life cycle ceremonies for the past 40+ years. His breadth of knowledge, warmth, sympathy, and commitment to exploring the needs of both Christian and Jewish partners make him an indispensable support to couples throughout the country and abroad. For details, call (312) 913-9193 ore-mail sech [email protected].
Rabbi Secher's counseling services are independent of the Dovetail Institute and do not necessarily reflect its policies.
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November/December 2004 page 14 Please note: Dovetail does not interview Bulletin Board or investigate groups listed here. Interfaith Support Around the Nation
New York, New York City To be listed as a contact person for a group, niinois. Chicago metropolitan area* Temple of Universal Judaism. or if you are seeking to join or form a group, Jewiih-Cathoijc Couples' Dialogue Group. www.tuj.org (212) 535-0187 please send information to: .Abbe & Dan Josephs, (708) 660-9503, or Patnr & Dwrid Kovacs (773) 275-5689 New York, NYC Greater Metropolitan Area* Dan Josephs InterfaithCommunity,lnc. I>dian.Blaan^)Um 1175 S. Euclid Avenue, Oak Park IL 60304 Manhattan, Westchester, Orange/Rockland. Mot^itfa coopJes group. Bill & Tel: (708) 660-9503; Fax: (630) 574-8089 Sheila Gordon (212) 870-2544 Diana Haraood (8121 323-7519 EMail: JosephsD.Aeaol.com [email protected] [email protected] www.interfaithcommunity.org Dan is one of the founders and amidinaion lii»iiiBi.NcwOrie«is New York, Rochester of the Chicago Jewish Catholic Couples GroapL CoBrtney Kathan, Jewish Family Services. Interfaith Connection, JCC. Michele Ruda We look forward to hearing from TOO. (504) 831-«475 Leve, C.S.W. (585) 461-2000, x 232
Ohio, Cincinnati* iacqi Aslikin. Jewisli FamilT Services California, Sacramento Christine M. Segal (513) 793-2866 Interfaith Discussion Group. 6 Park Center Coon. Suite 203 Dale Kasler & Twda Morris C>% November/December 2004 page 15 The Perfect Keepcsake for Interfaith Coupler For the first time a Ketubah, a Hebrew marriage covenent, is available in language especially suited to interfaith couples. Please send me a full The Poetic and egalitarian style clearly expresses an color brochure. interfaith couple's commitment to respect each other's heritage, it is a beautiful art piece, witnessing the bride and Please send me a ketubah. groom's promise to love and honor one another. Enclosed is $125 for each ketubah + $15 shipping and handling. LiLp (IL residents add 9% sales tax). i www.agoodcompany.com GOOD [email protected] Call for Gilding & Calligraptiy pricing. (312)913-9193 P.O. Box 3218 Chicago, IL 6065-5 Non-profit U.S. Postage P.^IP Permit Leesburg, FL 34748 ^ ^ DovetaiA Journal by and for Jewish/Christian Familiels 775 Simon Greenwell Lane Boston, KY 40107 SI P4 45 116 1/1/05 S;';™OMAP«ESBVrER.AN CHURCH 310TXJLIPAVE ADDRESS SERVICE REQUESTir TAKOMA PARK MD 20912-4339 Next Issue: Interfaith Wedding Issue printed on ror..