C/) 0 The Holiday Nexus: Asking Questions, CD LL Finding Answers aith, food, family: a powerful bullies the other kids, the exhausted nexus that draws us all at this and cranky mother, the critical or Ftime of year, whatever our carping father. An interfaith mar• religion. riage in the mix can be like a lens that both magnifies and distorts Does your heart lift at the prospect existing stresses, and may also create of midnight services? Or did you new ones. Your aunt may think your already have your spiritual "high" partner is going to hell; your at the sounding of the shofar? Does C/5 partner's grandfather may be your mouth water in anticipation of convinced you are a closet anti- savory, crispy latkes, or is it the Semite. One grand• thought of spicy, luscious mother may pout gingerbread that gets because she can't give your juices going? ^ , ' religious artifacts to Whether your house• your children; the hold is an actively other grandmother dual-faith one, or one ; ~ may gloat because CD in which one faith is she can. practiced by all except . So what's the one partner, menu ...^ answer? I'll tell you: choices and even • " CD I don't know. I only religious observances know some of the can be negotiated to everyone's questions—and therein lies the key. satisfaction with a little good will Identify the questions, and try to and flexibility all around. keep them specific and as free of The crunch comes in the "family" emotional baggage as possible. element of the holiday trio. Do you Not "Why do you want to rob have fond childhood memories of our children of such a wonderful gathering around the tree on experience?" but "How can we give Christmas morning, or is it singing the kids the kinds of fond memories and playing in the glow of the Hanukkah menorah that fills your In This Issue heart? In my obser\'ation over years Intermarriage Made Me a of involvement with DovetaU, this is More Committed Jew 3 the area interfaith couples have the From One Grandparent most difficultv' dealing with. \Ve all to Another 5 want to pass on to our children and Making Hanukkah and grandchildren the experiences and Christmas Your Own 7 practices that bind us to our own most treasured traditions, perhaps Interfaith Families (Review) 8 even more than we want to pass on God Forgive My our religious beliefs. Christmas Tree 9 Best of Both Worlds 11 Then, of course, there are the Couldn't Make it to inevitable strains in nearly every family dynamic—the uncle who the Conference? 12 drinks too much, the cousin who Holiday Gift Ideas 13 The iGive Option 14 Bulletin Board 15 Volume 13, Number 2 November/December 2004 Dovetail Plea for Volunteers Dovetail desperately needs assistance with clerical duties. They break down into three areas: we have without transgressing Asking—and answering—these 1) brochure and subscription the terms of our family religious questions won't make them go away. renewal notice production and choices?" Not "Why is your brother But as you read this issue of Dovetail, distribution; such a jerk?" but "Can we arrange you may find comfort in the variety 2) order fulfillment; things so that I don't have to deal of possible responses to them, and with your brother?" inspiration in those that chime with 3) database maintenance. yours. And whatever your choices, in And finally, there are the questions the words of that great intermarried Each of those takes about one you can ask yourself: Why is this American icon, Irving Berlin, "May day per week. If you might be holiday important to me? Which your days be merry and bright....'" m interested in taking on one or aspects of its celebration are reli• more of these tasks, please gious, which cultural, which per• contact Mary at 502-549-5440 sonal nostalgia? or [email protected] to discuss details. Search for Director Mary has announced her plan to resign as Executive Director of the Dovetail Institute as of January 2006 at the latest. Please call 502-549-5440 or email [email protected] if you think you might like the job, or want to suggest someone Dovetail's website: else. Note: we are hoping to www.dovetailinstitute.org. maice this a salaried position Online discussion group: http:// eventually, but at the present groups.yahoo.com/group/interfaith Please remember us in time it offers only a $500 per (Dovetail members only). vour will and trusts. month stipend to cover expenses. DoTCtail ISSN 106;-7359j is published Dovetail's Staff Dovetail's mission is to provide a channel of communication for interfaith couples, tbeir bimonthly (6 times per year) by: The Dovetail parents, and their children. No matter tdut Institute for Interfaith Family Resources, their specific choices regarding faith for their 775 Simon Greenwell Ln., Boston, KY 40107: Debi Tenner home and children, the more interfiith tel 800-530-1596; fax 502-549-3543; Editor families can share their ideas, experiences, Email [email protected]. resources, and support, the more they can A one-year subscription/membership is make peace in their homes and communities. Jewish and Christian persp€Cti\'es can dovetail. available for $59.95 from the above address. Jennifer Ashman Huey International subscriptions are $65.00. Single Associate Editor Believing that there are no definitive answers to issues are available for $5.50 each. the questions facing interfaith families, Dovetail Dovetail welcomes article submissions, letters strives to be open to all ideas and opinions. to the editor, and comments or suggestions. Kelly Kozlowsky Editorial content attempts to balance and respect Send to Debi Tenner, Editor, 45 Lilac Ln., the perspectives of both Jewish and Christian Managing Editor partners in interfaith marriages, as well Hamden, Ct. 06517, DebiT4RLS@aoLcom; as the diverse perspectives of parents and Review Editor Carol Weiss Rubel, 310 Tulip children of interfaith couples. Inclusion Circle, Clarks Summit, PA 18411-0213, Carol Weiss Rubel in Dovetail does not imply endorsement. [email protected]. Book Review Editor Dovetail accepts a thoughtful and constructive Copyright © 2004 by discussion of all related issues in the Letters to The Dovetail Institute for the Editor section, and reserves the right to reply. Interfaith Family Resources. All rights reserved. November/December 2004 page 2 My Interfaith Marriage Made Me a More Committed Jew by Ellyn Bache eople are oner. >-:-;!<ec :? had the ceremony in a Unitarian Ellyn Bache is the author of five hear me sav I am a more Church out of respect for his books of fiction, including a novella. commined Jew todar after devoutly Catholic mother. P Holiday Miracles: A Christmas/ three decades with my late husband, a Christian, than I was as a youi^ Then, like many other interfaith Hanukkah Story, and a novel. Safe couples, neither of us set foot in a woman. How can that be, they Passage, which became a film church or synagogue again until we wonder. Here is someone who, for had school-age children. Terry wasn't starring Susan Sarandon. many years, has allowed a holiday very interested in their having a tree (a Christmas tree?) to be erected religious education, but I was. Being in her lixing room. True, she's active raised a secular Jew had been like in her temple. She goes to services; being raised "nothing." It wasn't until she studies. She belongs to the college that I'd discovered Jews were Sisterhood. But still not only "something" but "something In my own mind, there is no "but different," about which I knew very still...." It was my interfaith mar• little. If I'd married a non-observant riage, far more than anything before Jewish man and lived in a Jewish it, that prompted me to "choose" community, this might not have Judaism in a committed way. I mattered. But as an intermarried sometimes wonder if I would have woman, I saw my children as known or cared as much as I do if vulnerable, and didn't want them I'd married a tepidly religious Jewish to find themselves, as I had, in the man. Growing up Jewish in a big city position of being too ignorant to was almost too easy. My family was defend a faith others would pin on Jewish, of course, but so was every• them and then criticize. It was put- up-or-shut-up time—my first one else in the neighborhood. If we experience of having to make a didn't light the Sabbath candles, if considered, conscious choice about we didn't go to synagogue even on religion. the High Holidays, no one seemed to care. After all, we celebrated with I wasn't going to raise my children as festive dinners featuring gefilte fish "nothing," and the only "something" and matzoh ball soup. We gave each that made sense to me was Judaism. other small gifts at Hanukkah. At I joined a Reform temple and Passover we ate matzoh. Surely that registered the first of our four was enough. children for religious school. That Marriage Choices was the beginning of my own education as well as theirs; we ate Then I married Terry. My friends [T]here is sometimes a apples and honey after children's and family forgave me, mostly on services at Rosh Hashanah, we cast built-in prejudice against the basis of my advanced age: I was our sins (and our bread crumbs) to 27, which was quite old for a bride [interfaith couples], even the ducks in the lake, we hung of my generation.