A Good Cat Deserves a Good Rat FACING THE
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IIT Kanpur January 26, 1978 a good cat deserves a good rat IT’S THAT TIME AGAIN when tailors and dry-cleaners do a roaring business……when the centre spread of 'Competition Master' is stolen from the reading room... when people sit biting their nails waiting for the mail…… where cricket matches flourish on the lawns, not because the participants are fired by the exploits of Bedi and Co. , but because they must put something under 'extra-curricular activities'. Yes, it's job-hunting time again, a time where the dreamy languor of IIT life grinds abruptly to a halt, a time when assiduously built-up egos collapse like a house of cards, when all the values and beliefs we have come to cherish during the last four and a half years vanish leaving a gaping void ahead. of us. :Do not fear. Cheshire Cat is here to help you out of the murky darkness into the light, with our special PLACE.MENT ISSUE. FACING THE INTERVIEW BOARD (Right Approach) Scene: The interview room. The atmosphere is tense inside and outside. A security man paces, up and down to prevent gate-orating. 'Janata' is awaiting for its turn and busy discussing possible questions. One candidate is 'kholoing' to another on why the back wheels of the tractors are bigger than the front wheels - He says it's a matter of industrial po1ioy. Scene Inside: A very aged looking candidate is being interviewed. The board is aware of 1he fact that guys in .IlT age 1aster than the rest. Chairman (exasperated, since the candidate .kept silent to a flurry of questions) “How long have you been in IIT?” Candidate: (arising out of his shaken and psyched state) “ Arre Bhai, I been on the campus last fourteen years. I the local dy-cleaner.”. (now meaning business, he gets up and shouts in a ringing voice) .”Any clothes for dy-cleaning?” (Asks the Chairman in particular) “Yours any cloth for dy-cleaning ?” Chairman: (shocked, fumbles for words and whispers a faint 'No' ) Dry Cleaner: “Thaank - youuuu” (makes for the exit). The genuine candidate walks in - a tall slim guy .resembling a quadrilateral. ...As he enters, he tries to look serious, but unable to do so, he grins like a jackass. A horse- shoe sticks out of his coat-pocket as he enters the :interview room. He affectionately fondles it. Next he pulls a chair and sits down (The chairman is impressed). Quickly noticing that the chairman is wearing a dhoti below his belt, he bursts into a 'Namaste Saar' Chairman: “Namaste, your name please?” Candidate: “I am Tiruvengand Sundarapattu Palvayanteoswaran , presently residing in Kalyanpur. You can address me as Sandy, my pet's name, Saar.” Chairman: “Now, sandy, let's get down to business. What are your main drawbacks ?” Candidate: “Saar, a very high CPI and a low .need for achievement.” (This goes above the chairman’s head as he has not done H. Psy 242) Chairman (trying to sound intellectual) “Mr. Sandy, What do you make out of the statement ‘History repeats itself?’ “ Sandy (confused) “Beg your pardon, Saar?” Chairman: “History repeats itself.” Sandy: (Beaming) “Then you are history, saar.” (The candidate shows a keen sense of logic and knows nothing of the past. He is action-oriented and concentrates fully on the present) . Chairman : (blushes, but goes into a fit of rage as the candidate kicks him under the table, perhaps accidentally) Mr. Sandy, will you stop kicking me under the table ?” Sandy: “Sorry Saar, I thought I was in the mess hall.” Chairman: (obviously trying to change the topic) “Mr. Sandy, how: much did you buy that tie for?” 2 Sandy: “It's my family tie, Saar. I borrowed it from my pop.” (At this point a second member takes over. The Chairman mops his face with his dhoti) Member: “Quick Sandy, How many fingers are there in one hand?” Sandy: “Between 4.8 and 5.2, Saar.” (the candidate thinks there is a catch) (Presently the candidate hears Shiv Charan calling out "Saandee Saheb, GRE aa gaya America se !!! ”. Sandy shouts "Hadaaaich " and rushes out mumbling good bye to the Chairman. He soon rushes in back.) Sandy: “Saar, America rejected me Saar. I flunked in verbal. You can have my passport size photograph now Saar.” (thee candidate is dynamic, frank, forthright and practical) . Chairman: (with the intention of really sizing up the candidate) : “Sandy, as a student of Mechanical Engineering what is your field of specialization?” Sandy: “The last stroke of a four stroke engine Saar.” . Chairman: “What are the four strokes of an IC engine?” Sandy:” Exhaustion, combustion, injection and and confusion Saar.” Chairman: (to the second member in Hindi) : “ Ek technical question puchcha jai .” Chairman: “Sandy, suppose you are given a heat pump which transports ideal binary gas mixtures. Now using the Chapman-Enskog theory, the Leonard-Jones potential and the value of pi , tell me what is the collision distance between molecules 1 and 2 in .Angstroms ?” The candidate thinks it’s a PJ and bursts into e. loud laughter. The Chairman realizes that he has furnished the candidate with a wrong value of pi. Chairman: “I'm sorry, I furnished you the wrong value of pi… -- Anyway lets move to the next question. Regarding your views on society, what do you say about the plight of oppressed minorities ?” Sandy: “Do you mean the phuds ?” 3 Chairman thinks he has used a technical jargon and asks no further explanation. Second member: “You seem an energetic young man, any sports?” Sandy: “I take part in rat-races only Saar All the muggus also take part in it Saar.” . (The candidate displays tremendous team spirit. He has fully identified himself with the members of the IIT community) . Chairman: (By now having made up his mind to select Sandy) “When did you get interested in ,computer oriented methods?” Sandy: “Ever since I was so high I have had a love for the big big computers . My uncle asked my pals once what they would like to be. While some said, "Engine Driver" or ‘co- pilot’ or ‘husbands’, I said "Assistant Systems Analyst". So see?” The Candidate suddenly rises and says "Saar time running out Saar. Jupiter must have already crossed Saturn Saar. Further, horse waiting impatiently outside for this horse- shoe Saar. Dangles the horse-shoe and runs away) . ADVERTISEMENT Face the whirlwind and answer those questions with authoritative cool. Go in for our book ‘Successful Master Competitor' which gives you. a highly practical blue print to face your interviewers with dynamism and ease. The picture shows a weak character who cannot stand on his own legs. He is too weighed down by the mass of paper. Dressy' behaviour shows that he is mentally dull and takes pride in displaying Physical self. Thick pair of spectacles shows that he is nearsighted in his outlook. Tie shows that he can be tied up and the whole picture shows that our artist is no good. 4 This gentleman.. .er. .rather gentlething, exhibits a forceful, sincere and appealing manner and hairy legs. He has displayed considerable natural initiative and makes full use of the opportunities presented to him He also reveals very mature and original ideas which succeed in holding the attention of his interviewers in a big way. His approach is realistic, enthusiastic and positive. This candidate is specially recommended and selected.. PLACEMENT POLICY OF THE DEPARTMENT OF .ASTRONOMICAL ENGINEERING 1. All final year students in ,Astronomical Engineering are eligible to apply for jobs through the Placement Office, except those specializing in Astrology and stargazing. 2. Applications will be recommended according to merit. This will be done using the following formula. Merit = 3.47* (CPI) + 20.13 exp ( -20100 * C/RT) (no. of backlogs) where R = Universal Gas constant. T = Slenderness Ratio = (Height/Weight) x age C = Constant 1.00 for Biharis, 2.00 for others. In case of a tie. the following will also be taken into account. Extra-curricular activities: (i. e, a person who started playing T.T. two days ago will be preferred over one who started yesterday) . Leadership abilities: (i.e. one who lost his deposit in a Senate election will be preferred over one who served as Second Assistant Milk Secretary) . Other considerations: This is to be decided by the faculty member in charge. Incidentally, he is interested in getting a TV set, a car , a radiogram,.... 5 3. One tick will appear against the names of those whose applications are forwarded for a given job. Apart from this, one cross will appear against the names of those whose applications are rejected by the company. A circle will appear against 'the names of those who are called for interview (unless he is thrown out, in which case, a square appears against his name). If on the other hand, he gatecrashes, a star is put against his name, whereas if he gets a job through his own efforts, it will be a triangle (unless of course, he does not appear for less than 11 interviews, for which he gets a rectangle). An oval is placed against the names of anyone who can make head or tail of this. .Amazement will appear on the face of those who get a job through the placement office. 4. In case of open jobs, efforts will be made to send applications of all those who are desirous of applying. However, if short listing is to be done, it would be based on the number of ticks, cross, circles etc. In practice, as no one understands how this system works, such disputes will be settled by the toss of a coin.