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March 27, 1996 1 NEWS

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Where hid it. we .. dis News 2 Features 5 Sports .6 cord Entertainment 7 "The tie that binds and gags since 1926" VOLUME XXX • ISSUE TWENTY NINE • WEDNESDAY, MARCH 27,1996 SBE declares war! Embattledfaculty takes proactive response to huge budget cuts ITCHY AND SCRATCHY his pants around his ankles. Discord News Outside forces have also been of As 1800 of hours yesterday, little help. The local police are still Laurier's School of Business and on strike against the Harris govern- Economics officially declared war ment. However, Canada's national the rest of Laurier. Rather than their on army is rowing canoe here as face the of prospect cutting their quickly as possible. They hope to SBE has elimi- budget, decided to respond before the next century. nate all the other at programs The rest of the campus has not laurier - literally. been idle in the face of SBE hostility. The following statement was The faculty of Social Work launched issued by the Dean of Business this a counterstrike but nobody noticed. morning: The Science department is uncon- "We've had enough of this fiscal cerned about the entire affair. The restraint It's time to all crap! put Dean of Science pointed out, those useless arts out of have to walk all the programs "They'd way their We intend to to reach and misery. fully across campus us, you reunite the English majors with know how lazy SBE students get." Shakespeare and the order to Psychology In smooth over any majors with Freud. the end of created the By image problems by war, this month Laurier will offer only a full media blitz created by SBE is one program - business. Oh, such yeah, taking place. Slogans as: "This and economics too." is for your own good." "We're still An especially devious sneak better than Western." and attack was launched against the "Welcome to the real world." are all Music Gen. Jim department by over campus. "Munchin" McCutcheon and Gen. Mr. Blonde, the leader of the "Hammer" Hewick. It turns out SBE ground forces (called "audi- they to the managed occupy depart- tors") has been granting interviews ment for than more 72 hours before in order to clarify their position. noticed. The Music "We balance their anybody depart- plan to books on ment staff is still for waiting some- a permanent basis, with the lowest to and one try rescue them. possible marginal cost,"he stated. Rumours of war atrocities "Our troops are highly motivated abound, especially the tor- public with a full 20% of their mark being ture and of the based lynching English on participation. We will own TA.s who marked the Bus 111 writ- this campus." ing assignments. They are also Lorna Marsden, President of for the looking guy that wrote last WLU, seemed unconcerned about week's Hard Cord. the entire affair, saying "at least The SBE have troops also taken they haven'tinvaded Ezra St." over the libraiy, but not before sev- On a happier note, classes have eral soldiers crushed were by falling been suspended for the duration of concrete. the Exams war. may even have to Laurier's own security forces be postponed. have been unable to respond to this crisis. were last chas- They spotted The Peters Bldg. after the start ing a guy down King St. who had of the SBE offensive. Your attention please! rsi This here is the Discord, an to Cord. I I eightpage supplement your regular For your reading we the / convenience, suggest you grasp Discord by itfirst and eighth and pages pull, thus the two. separating However, ifyou prefer tojump L® in and outofreality, keep 'em together. Cooly surreal. disCord March 27, 1996 1 NEWS They shoulda fixed it... who into a of discussion thy for the family of the person process to decide died. "We don't think this will hurt what to do about the fallen library. One for Laurier's reputation," she empha- proposal a plan of action excel- to close down the sized. "Laurier is simply an was School of or no Business for a to for lent, excellent school, library year pay a new library. We don't need to be able to library. education!" "We won't read to gain a quality simply consider not the Not everybody was unhappy rebuilding library," stated Andrew Berczi, Vice about the library's collapse, howev- President of are deal- Finance and er. Academic departments Administration, min- with influx students stating utes before he was shot ing an of by a SBE student. "The that they are unable to complete marauding fines The library after the disaster. Looks strangely like the library of 1966, no? in the final essay assignments and projects brought by library are an of "This has been for while. And this had because their source materials are important source revenue for this FALINE DOWN an unmitigated out a nothing We Discord News disaster," wailed head librarian to do with Ezra." buried under concrete. University. simply cannot do who Marsden also The will be entering without them." One person was killed and fifteen Virginia Gillham, was away on expressed sympa- University last the of the were injured Tuesday in what holiday as usual at time officials "unforeseen disaster. "We lost books are calling an so many ... disaster." At 8:15 a.m. on Monday, precious books. It really hurts to see March 25, the Wilfrid Laurier them in cloud of dust. Mind go up a Brad Ross saves University library fell down. you, now no students will be able to "It them break their just crumbled away," scribble on or exclaimed an onlooker who had spines ever again!" been on the to class when the Officials are unsure of the cause way child the disaster happened. "First a couple of of library's collapse. trapped chunks of concrete fell off, then it "We knew there were structural started raining concrete, and then problems with the library when it the whole thingjust collapsed." started falling apart last fall," said PAGE HAMILTON Alabama where the well was locat- shows that Laurier has something Only two floors and the wooden Rob Vanderspek, Manager of Discord News ed, but he insisted on lowering him- positive to contribute to the commu- the Brad selfinto the well. MB scaffolding over entryway were Facility Planning, Design and Last Sunday, Ross, VP: nity. Maybe now people stop the Affairs for- the Students' "At first he about Ezra. do left standing after workers had Construction. "That was first University we thought was talking Why you peo- admitted it Don't cleared away the debris. clue. But we had no idea the prob- Union, rescued little Urnmy Smith, being foolish," Troy ple keep bringing up? you the dare mention Ezra in this article!" Rescue workers worked late into lems were this extensive." an eight-year-old who was trapped McLure, the leader of rescue "But Students' Union Scott the night on Monday, digging people The university's administration in a well. The quick-witted Ross effort. we thought that he was president out of the rubble. Several will be committee to we told him to for McCormick offered the people are setting up a saved the boy by using Lauder's expendable, so go following critical condition The the disaster. down the it." comment: "Go in in hospital. investigate causes of the paper clip chain to rappel .... away." of the killed in the 11 well. Little had but Mr. Bean, a famous TV name person "Our main difficulty right now is side ofthe km deep Timmy nothing personal- accident has been said WLU President Lorna for offered no comment not yet released, funding," Rescue squads had been at a praise his rescuer. ity. but to the the he for the unofficial reports suggest the Marsden, in response library's loss for several days on how to save "He's best," gushed, As giantpaper clip chain, the fines officer the "We to the will in PlatsviJle person was for collapse. just eliminated our little Timmy's life. Ross saw the before being carted back it stay as a monu- Since the had for books. Students ment to Ross' Later next library. library not yet budget new may news story, and immediately real- home for juvenile delinquents he heroics. have and with- from. it will be down into opened, no patrons were hurt. just to face reality do ized that the giant paper dip chain had escaped week, melted could actually serve some useful Little Timmy's mother agreed. carmufflers. "Brad die best since the ofPlatsville offered a purpose. Ross is thing people Certified White did the chain she said. she invitation the staff of the Space Not only Ross carry moonshine," However, special to single-handedly to Platsville, had some harsh words for those Cord. "We'd really like to meet local people who had criticized the paper them,'* said Uncle Jesse a resi- clip team. "Those heartless bastards dent "We want them to participate IToo much beer in the fridge I should rot in hell. Especially those in our remake ofDeliverance." Cord people. I wanna feed them Brad Boss was given a genuine their own intestines for dinner." oak gun rack as a token of gratitude Lorna Marsden, President of from the locals. I find the food? I WLU, was so impressed she actually Congratulations Brad, on a job to visited the to well done! campus congratulate Ross. "I'm so happy." she said. "It I I I Wilf's has the solution for you. I I Wn an Upper Canada Fridge What the I March 29th I I I hell is this? BUT you have to be there I I at Midnight for the draw or no fridge! | I fhurs.
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