Where hid it. we ..
dis News 2
Features 5
Sports .6
cord Entertainment 7
"The tie that binds and gags since 1926"
VOLUME XXX • ISSUE TWENTY NINE • WEDNESDAY, MARCH 27,1996
SBE declares war!
Embattledfaculty takes proactive response to huge budget cuts
ITCHY AND SCRATCHY his pants around his ankles.
Discord News Outside forces have also been of
As 1800 of hours yesterday, little help. The local police are still
Laurier's School of Business and on strike against the Harris govern-
Economics officially declared war ment. However, Canada's national
the rest of Laurier. Rather than their on army is rowing canoe here as face the of prospect cutting their quickly as possible. They hope to
SBE has elimi- budget, decided to respond before the next century.
nate all the other at programs The rest of the campus has not
laurier - literally. been idle in the face of SBE hostility.
The following statement was The faculty of Social Work launched
issued by the Dean of Business this a counterstrike but nobody noticed.
morning: The Science department is uncon-
"We've had enough of this fiscal cerned about the entire affair. The
restraint It's time to all crap! put Dean of Science pointed out, those useless arts out of have to walk all the programs "They'd way their We intend to to reach and misery. fully across campus us, you reunite the English majors with know how lazy SBE students get."
Shakespeare and the order to Psychology In smooth over any
majors with Freud. the end of created the By image problems by war, this month Laurier will offer only a full media blitz created by SBE is
one program - business. Oh, such yeah, taking place. Slogans as: "This and economics too." is for your own good." "We're still
An especially devious sneak better than Western." and
attack was launched against the "Welcome to the real world." are all
Music Gen. Jim department by over campus. "Munchin" McCutcheon and Gen. Mr. Blonde, the leader of the "Hammer" Hewick. It turns out SBE ground forces (called "audi-
they to the managed occupy depart- tors") has been granting interviews
ment for than more 72 hours before in order to clarify their position.
noticed. The Music "We balance their anybody depart- plan to books on
ment staff is still for waiting some- a permanent basis, with the lowest
to and one try rescue them. possible marginal cost,"he stated.
Rumours of war atrocities "Our troops are highly motivated
abound, especially the tor- public with a full 20% of their mark being ture and of the based lynching English on participation. We will own TA.s who marked the Bus 111 writ- this campus."
ing assignments. They are also Lorna Marsden, President of for the looking guy that wrote last WLU, seemed unconcerned about
week's Hard Cord. the entire affair, saying "at least The SBE have troops also taken they haven'tinvaded Ezra St."
over the libraiy, but not before sev- On a happier note, classes have eral soldiers crushed were by falling been suspended for the duration of
concrete. the Exams war. may even have to Laurier's own security forces be postponed.
have been unable to respond to this
crisis. were last chas- They spotted The Peters Bldg. after the start
ing a guy down King St. who had of the SBE offensive.
Your attention please! rsi
This here is the Discord, an to Cord. I I eightpage supplement your regular For your reading we the / convenience, suggest you grasp Discord by itfirst and eighth and pages pull, thus the two. separating However, ifyou prefer tojump L® in and outofreality, keep 'em together. Cooly surreal.
disCord March 27, 1996 1 NEWS
They shoulda fixed it...
who into a of discussion thy for the family of the person process to decide died. "We don't think this will hurt what to do about the fallen library. One for Laurier's reputation," she empha- proposal a plan of action
excel- to close down the sized. "Laurier is simply an was School of
or no Business for a to for lent, excellent school, library year pay a new
library. We don't need to be able to library.
education!" "We won't read to gain a quality simply consider not the Not everybody was unhappy rebuilding library," stated Andrew Berczi, Vice about the library's collapse, howev- President of
are deal- Finance and er. Academic departments Administration, min-
with influx students stating utes before he was shot ing an of by a SBE student. "The that they are unable to complete marauding fines The library after the disaster. Looks strangely like the library of 1966, no? in the final essay assignments and projects brought by library are an of "This has been for while. And this had because their source materials are important source revenue for this FALINE DOWN an unmitigated out a nothing We Discord News disaster," wailed head librarian to do with Ezra." buried under concrete. University. simply cannot do
who Marsden also The will be entering without them." One person was killed and fifteen Virginia Gillham, was away on expressed sympa- University
last the of the were injured Tuesday in what holiday as usual at time
officials "unforeseen disaster. "We lost books are calling an so many ...
disaster." At 8:15 a.m. on Monday, precious books. It really hurts to see
March 25, the Wilfrid Laurier them in cloud of dust. Mind go up a Brad Ross saves
University library fell down. you, now no students will be able to
"It them break their just crumbled away," scribble on or
exclaimed an onlooker who had spines ever again!"
been on the to class when the Officials are unsure of the cause way child the disaster happened. "First a couple of of library's collapse. trapped
chunks of concrete fell off, then it "We knew there were structural
started raining concrete, and then problems with the library when it
the whole thingjust collapsed." started falling apart last fall," said PAGE HAMILTON Alabama where the well was locat- shows that Laurier has something Only two floors and the wooden Rob Vanderspek, Manager of Discord News ed, but he insisted on lowering him- positive to contribute to the commu-
the Brad selfinto the well. MB scaffolding over entryway were Facility Planning, Design and Last Sunday, Ross, VP: nity. Maybe now people stop
the Affairs for- the Students' "At first he about Ezra. do left standing after workers had Construction. "That was first University we thought was talking Why you peo- admitted it Don't cleared away the debris. clue. But we had no idea the prob- Union, rescued little Urnmy Smith, being foolish," Troy ple keep bringing up? you the dare mention Ezra in this article!" Rescue workers worked late into lems were this extensive." an eight-year-old who was trapped McLure, the leader of rescue "But Students' Union Scott the night on Monday, digging people The university's administration in a well. The quick-witted Ross effort. we thought that he was president
out of the rubble. Several will be committee to we told him to for McCormick offered the people are setting up a saved the boy by using Lauder's expendable, so go following
critical condition The the disaster. down the it." comment: "Go in in hospital. investigate causes of the paper clip chain to rappel .... away."
of the killed in the 11 well. Little had but Mr. Bean, a famous TV name person "Our main difficulty right now is side ofthe km deep Timmy nothing personal-
accident has been said WLU President Lorna for offered no comment not yet released, funding," Rescue squads had been at a praise his rescuer. ity.
but to the the he for the unofficial reports suggest the Marsden, in response library's loss for several days on how to save "He's best," gushed, As giantpaper clip chain,
the fines officer the "We to the will in PlatsviJle person was for collapse. just eliminated our little Timmy's life. Ross saw the before being carted back it stay as a monu-
Since the had for books. Students ment to Ross' Later next library. library not yet budget new may news story, and immediately real- home for juvenile delinquents he heroics.
have and with- from. it will be down into opened, no patrons were hurt. just to face reality do ized that the giant paper dip chain had escaped week, melted
could actually serve some useful Little Timmy's mother agreed. carmufflers.
"Brad die best since the ofPlatsville offered a purpose. Ross is thing people Certified White did the chain she said. she invitation the staff of the Space Not only Ross carry moonshine," However, special to
single-handedly to Platsville, had some harsh words for those Cord. "We'd really like to meet local people who had criticized the paper them,'* said Uncle Jesse a resi-
clip team. "Those heartless bastards dent "We want them to participate IToo much beer in the fridge I should rot in hell. Especially those in our remake ofDeliverance." Cord people. I wanna feed them Brad Boss was given a genuine
their own intestines for dinner." oak gun rack as a token of gratitude
Lorna Marsden, President of from the locals. I find the food? I WLU, was so impressed she actually Congratulations Brad, on a job to visited the to well done! campus congratulate
Ross. "I'm so happy." she said. "It
I I
I Wilf's has the solution for you. I
I Wn an Upper Canada Fridge What the
I March 29th I
I I hell is this? BUT you have to be there I I at Midnight for the draw or no fridge!
| I fhurs. March 28 Hike Woods I
' ** Hpr • s "X : I Friday March 21 test Icicles I
I sat. March 30 Comedy with Marty Pytz $ Mark Farrel I
2 March 27,1996 dtsCord —(News)
202 Regina moves to Wichita, Kansas
and said he has Office to I. MOVESLOWLY clean-up maintenance may University Affairs, "seri- Business pay my bills," One University can cut its deficit by
become too difficult for his concerns" with the of the third Discord News staff. ous safety year student complained. .004%. "It's a real hardship,"
Lorna commute. will be the "Will thebus be back for As part their "Laurier Expansion" Dr. Marsden, University He testing on time my Marsden said, "On the other hand,
the Wilfrid stated the will add of the in December exams?" of plan for its campus, President, move safety trip a Students' questioned a the rest the public is suffering
administration to the environment. Union which in West second student. Laurier University campus' jet stops over year t00...Y0u have to face up to the fact
last that will Marsden will be to the where he will his Marsden stated that the announced Thursday it moving Virginia, pick up Dr. that the whole country is strug-
Services estate in and to be moving its Student from late June, plans new car. move is part of many reactionary gling."
to Kansas. Students around that taken 202 Regina Wichita, attend the ground breaking ceremo- campus are measures are being 202 Regina will close up shop at
The administration has sold the in November. Of she will about the "I around the ny course, voicing concerns move. campus. By moving theend ofthis year.
land to Procter and Gamble, in a not be taking the Ontario-plated don't know if I can get to the Student Services to Kansas, the
land deal which includes swamp in Mercedes Benz with her, rather she
Florida and a fourteen acre estate in will rely on the new Wilfrid Laurier Kansas. Ron Dupuis, head of helicopter which will enable her to Calendar Plant and commute. Course Physical Planning violently Update: opposed the deal, stating that the Brad Ross, Vice President
ANTON VOLCANSEK Cayman Islands. Downsizing in diadorama of the Abbott Home
DISCORD NEWS times of record profit Will also be required.
discussed. #■■■■.
*
AN 3245 PY 9786
Winner: Anita Gleeson Nudity on the Beach EN 8759 Reason for Being
Hie aims of tills course include Contemporary Pulp The last surviving Philosophy Nominated by: Chris Campbell the study of the vast assortment of This tier-two course wffl concen- course. Four professors will share nude beaches around the world. from lecture trate on excerpts the respec- time, arguing why that would call friend. Imagine a person you Specialization will concentrate on tive oeuvres of Sidney Sheldon, Philosophy should remain on the
Now imagine a friend that is caring and giving, honest and the Adriatic Coast during the 1980s. Jackie Collins, Stephen King. Special curriculum. Periodically throughout Some discussion will the John Grisham. trusting. concern emphasis on the term, a member of the in is prospects for nude sunbathing Students will be required to read University Administration will enter Imagine a friend who as good at listening as she is at talking. the Croatia. Slides, films, only the assigned. No the classroom and dis- friend who has saddest and post-war excerpts arbitrarily Imagine a seen your tears your hap- and trade magazines utilized. essays. One book report miss one professor from duties, until piest smiles. **** ' :■ • ■ ** one remains. This last professor wiß friend that donot have know that Imagine a you to see to she is then be put on permanent display in there. BU 5674 5Y2435 the newScience Building atrium.
Now have an idea of the friend that out of you stepped my Coiporate Crime Sociology of Family *** ■ and into heart. Students how imagination my will learn to This tier-two course involves the
embezzle of large quantities pen- study of one family throughout the Coding Key:
She into life of confusion sioners' into Swiss Bank Class time will be divided *- offered came my at a time and uncertainty. She savings year. yearfy ** Accounts. Second halfof the course between the Abbotts of -offered was one who never doubt her watching during leap years person gave me any reason to ***- concentrates on laundering and tax- The and the Restless, and when we around to it words or her actions. Young get
**** sheltering money through the lectures. One oral report and one - you wish
The soul-searching chats, filled with revelations and tears.
The the and those JOKE crazy nights on town, hyper cheers. Those walks home, after too beers. A long many
devotion, and shoulder and that NOT Support, a ear never grow tired.
The will be . . Keystone ready Our closeness stretches far beyond words of explanation. She knows ADVERTISEMENT. me very well, because she has me mostly helped bring to be picked up sometime out so much of what I have become. I of friend amproud my REAL and of for proud myself having and holding onto such a friend- within the next week. is ship. Friendship a two-way street. Just knowing that she feels
ACTUAL the that I do way is enough to make sure that our friendship There will be over hurdle that lives a booth set . gets any our present. .
You asked me to write about friend in a that I did not want to lose. up the concourse
But I told of friend that I I you a will never lose. did not write
this for a prize or even for I this because recognition. wrote you throughout the next four the idea gave me and the opportunity to tell this friend just how
much she means to me. weeks in order for to you .. Chris Campbell r Anita and Chris win dinner for two at the [ pick up your book OR Heuther Hotel's Lion Brew Pub.
Anita will also receive a if purchase one you have
not. taken the chance. yet . .
WHEN the composites are Centre Spot ready, they will be
is available in the Dean of mfm_ ,
Students office. Selected chocolate bars:
2/$ 1.18 ana 2/$.99
disCord March 27, 1996 3 (Entertainment)—
Culture Shock
After he stood and I called to him heaven. minous pocket. a swig, up, as he "Ron!" I handed the bottle to me. "I can't say was leaving, He half "Quick man, get inside," turned
has made me happy. All to me, waiting. the implored, shoving him and his mop that success "Why make-up?
of millions have been on deceive children through the entrance. Gesturing to my spent Why across the
and still don't as to the door, I howled, "Lock it! There lecherous pleasures, I globe your true identity? Who
me." believe in are you?" He was a troubled are warlike savages chasing magic." man, dark and "Oh. I'm sir. Human I myself with Captain contemplative. sorry rights baptized
all "What about the kids? I felt like eating a Meal codes require us to serve cus- Morgan. Happy for
like look to the first time in ages. Ronald tomers. Sure you wouldn't a They up you." was a he mascot torn milkshake?" "Yeah," laughed, "everyone company by corruptive
for in a destitute soul." forces beyond his control. "Curse you man," I screamed, looks angels "We all of the have took a last rum and a face to hide." With that vaulting over the counter. I snuck up He swig he
his the was swallowed to the shake machine and tried to coughed into sleeve. Tticking up by the dark, and
bottle he butted out the to this I never saw him blend in as an employee. Squishy away, ciga- day, again. heel his red shoe. He strawberry goodness squirted into rette on the of
my cup as I glanced at the man beside me dressed in floppy red Criminal O' Crime shoes and suit. I Holy Bag a yellow jump
dropped the cup. "You... but you're... several bruises after Ronald?" The man raised a white Medical Assistance a building fell
gloved finger to stark red lips. 1146 his Sun 24 Mar 96 oil her.
ERIC monitor- A male WLU student was HENRY eggs. At one point, running back- "Shhhhh. Secret employee transport-
Discord Commentary He either ed to after in the Gratuitous News wards, I stumbled over a concrete ing." paused, glanced to hospital collapsing Entry
almost died the forest. left dazed and his Student Union The 2700 hisMon 25 Mar 96 I in rain slab. 1 was lying on my side, ran a hand through Building. duty
officer staled seemed to Jeff, Dave, Adam, and Traveling deep into uncharted jun- back. glossy red afro. "Follow me," he the person Craig, Skinny
be cardiac after arrested for various criracs gle with my river guide. Screaming "Excuse me sir," mumbled a said, flashing an uneasy grin. experiencing arrest were
Jack Darby, I intended to do field- high pitched youthful voice, "but I'm We left the restaurant through having run back from Alabama against Laurier. They were incar-
work horticultur- the back and rescued a child with a cerated in the among a peaceful entrance were quickly where he library's prison but
- believed have al tribe, the Pillow People. Instead, "Listen to surrounded by the jungle again. paps clip chain. are to survived Its col- the took down the he added, and big Irishman us an "Mind spiked pit," lapse are now fugitives. They
and the be their baseball erroneous tributary, we found stepping carefully through Suspicious person can spotted by
me him into 0732 Mon 25 Mar 96 and ourselves in Badass territory. young undergrowth. I followed a hrs caps generally unkempt renowned where he dirt The Badasses are clearing wiped some A non university male who seemed appearance. Do not approach them,
throughout the world for their man. The from a fallen log. to be loaded down with TNT was as they are believed to be armed
before vicious, warlike nature, and we had Ronald lit a cigarette seen loitering near the library. and dangerous. Look for them mi a
disturbed ritu- the and future of their most sacred of whole world turning to me. "Listen to me young Officers checked individual, episode Cops.
als, the entirely enigmatic egg man. The whole world is crumbling investigation revealed he was wait*
Soon around us." childhood mentor for his Break & Enter smashing ceremony. we were is crumbling My ing girlfriend. the 1155 hrs TUes 26 Mar 96 charging through jungle, splat- took a long drag before continuing.
tered with broke the remains of "1 started at the bottom, and now, Medical Assistance and possible Person(s) unknown into the many around us. and chased the a Homicide President's office the second floor yolks, by savages. I'm the head of multi billion dollar on
1 think they got Screaming Jack. transnational conglomerate. But 0743 hrs Mon 25 Mar 95 of the Peters Building. They
I I certainly didn't hear anything, but mopping there." stared up at a some day, years from now, I'll be An ambulance was summoned for a removed a file folder from a locked
I'm sure he had danced his freckled who stood in stark known who sold his pretty boy con- as some guy male member of the administration cabinet containing the official Code last For jig. days they tracked me trast to the golden arches rising soul. For what? Burgers. Big Macs. who had been shot in the chest. of Conduct for the University, the through sylvan wilderness, con- behind him. Billions and billions That damned McLean Deluxe." He Investigation continues. investigation continues. with served. the of from stantly badgering me more They were gates to pulled a mickey rum a volu- Bomb threat Missing Person
0756 hrs Mon 25 Mar 96 0748 Wed 27 Mar 96
Officers received a call suggesting The Security Department received a
that a bomb was planted some- call from the wife of a security offi- had where in the vicinityofthe library or cer. indicating her husband not
the CTB. The threat was deemed to returned the previous night. An
be a hoax. extensive search revealed the per-
son in question had last been seen
Medical Assistance on King Street chasing a man with
0825 hrs Mon 25 Mar 96 his pants down. Anyone with fur-
A female staff member air-Hll- ther information is asked contact All of us at WLUSP was to ed to hospital with a concussion and the Security Department.
appreciate your And what the valued contribution
and would like to hell is this?
take this opportunity
thank for to you
your support on
the Book Drive.
4 March 27, 1996 disCord FEATURES
Science building a secret base?
doors lie of the of Waterloo where he incident. GEORGE may one the world's man discovered a labyrinth Hospital was alleged
DISCORD FEATURES most advanced military laboratories corridors. Before venturing further given a series of rabies shots and "Secrets, we have no secrets",
students and staff in existence. claim that he horrified he heardsounds nail stated Lieutenent Rex Unbeknownst to Reports top was as treatment for an ingrown toe Lacky reas-
of the Wilfrid Laurier University the scientists from around the globe of inhuman wailing directed from He was released shortly thereafter, suringly. "The government is your
Science has become have been the dark As he made a however he has not returned to friend and if had sort clas- new Building stealthily experimenting recesses. we any of house the work that sified an institute to our military's on genetic level with all sorts of quick retreat he was suddenly since fearing whatever subterranian research base
secret research normal which he attacked him be back for hidden of latest top facilities. once animal subjects. impeded by something may sec- conviendy under one your
walls of Behind shielded concrete gov- Word this government cover- couldn't even describe. onds. buildings we'd be the first to tell
have been work- after When asked to the of ernment scientists up came to light Herb Reznick, "1 don't know what it was.", as origin you."
far below the surface of of the traumatized the teeth marks the ing covertly an employee university dis- claimed the night deep disfiguring a Coincidently, government
theearth on projects almost too hor- covered what appeared to be a hid- superintendent, "But whatever it supervising surgeon commented contractors hired for thejob to build
den stairwell below the bit hard!" that the had the used 10 rific to reveal. leading was, it sure impressions not come structure over million
in Behind false panels and hidden building. After further investigation Reznick fled to Kitchener- from any known creature the ani- extra tonnes of cement than called
mal kingdom. Plaster casts have for in the original plan. As well, 200
been sent to the University of hundred sheets of a high intensity
for Guelph's Veterinary College fur- titanium-lead alloy plating and a
results ther testing. Preliminary fusion reactor were also requisi-
havebeen inconclusive. tioned, but mysteriously vanished.
University officials aided by local When asked the contractor declared
police have sinced combed the that the material was standard.
entire building in hopes of finding a "Everybody makes a few mis-
clue. Unfortunately, police were takes here and there! alleged
unable find "secret Biskits. "If to any passage Foreman Gary you're
the to depths of eternal flaming gonna' do a big job you're gonna'
described make mess." It's people! It's hell", as by a big madepeople! of Superintendent Reznick. The gov- As to the whereabouts of the ernment has also been contacted missing materials.
regarding the incident, however, "Fusion reactor? Oh, I'm sure it's
SNAPPY THE WONDER CHIMP thekitchen. and denied involvement the kickin' aroundhere somewhere!" eriiig critter catching they any in
discord Features Other devices. of employees A group
With the completion of the new thought he'd twenty specially Students' Union Building and open- snapped his trained scientists Centre ing of the food court health con- crackers step behind Spot scious student's have been keenly the coun-
their diet watching making sure ters IBB? is M&SSI BIPMMUUS that they chose all the best foods.
However, a startling new study done by Can-a-80l Besearch
Group has come up with some shocking findings. By taking various 10% Off All Clothing samples of all the foods from each food service area researchers have / collect- \ discovered a large quantity of Homo ing speci-
flesh in meal \ from the Sapien many servings. Chucky, mens
"I believe it of can hardly myself.", accompanied by inventory every Chucky Heston, a third retailer and assisted the says year researchers. Primatology student at Laurier who busy staff during the lunch Mmmmm...
Is presently working pail time in the as he frantically ran time rush. food around the "What found court. food court blaring we you'd expect to
"I it sorta' words Soon after out the thought was strange of warning. come right pages of that the in called meat came big plastic Campus Security were to Cannibal Cuisine Weekly.", com- but bags, who knows? 1 use to work restrain him until an ambulance mented researcher Dr. Lefty Zero. for that didn't a place even use real arrived to take him to the psychi- "This meat is definitely of human meat." atric ward of Kitchener-Waterloo origin." H m Then one day this bright young Hospital for observation. Since the gruesome discover the
noticed that man the blue plate spe- After he was released Heston Wilfrid Laurier police have become cial looked suspiciously familiar. went directly to Canadian Health involved and begun their extensive
from the his first Straight year and Good Eats Administration to file investigation. The next logical ques- human anatomy course familiar. a complaint. The CHGEA immedi- tion that must be answered is
"It's It's made of the whether these people! people!", ately sent a team directly to uni- meaty supplies are screamed Heston he from with the latest as ran versity sample gath- fresh or frozen?
bones ...Ever Wonder What Rattling some Real Bagels Taste Like? They're Here.
CHET MCDURVISH its' the affairs of for ately beak) in this university years.
DISCORD FEATURES This may explain the university's plan to incorporate
Prime Minister Mackenzie leader baths and into next King was a prominent bird feeders the budget for year. in Canadian however history, only his closest of friends Many a dark and stormy night the halls of manyuni- knew that many of his decisions were made via consul- versity buildings are filled with the sounds of Erie foot- tation with from voices beyond the grave. Many distin- falls, as doors mysteriously slam shut and light bulbs guished individuals have, little known to their devoted are removed from overhead projectors. Some students fans, reached for of and guidance by way the spirit world. staff have even claimed to have seen shadowy fig-
historic decisions which the future of heard the of Many shaped our ures and sounds sniffling. There have even have been based discussions Mackenzie that country upon been reports the ghost of Percy Smudgewater, Sir had with King his dearly departed dog Pat. Wilfrid Laurier's man servant has been sighted wander- A Dozen Today, people like Diana Ross, Bob Barker and ing the campus. It is rumoured that this well-dressed jl Andrew Dice of autumn before Dean Gay have taken advantage this para- apparition appeared late one night normal administration career as Dean was J& and made many unique Nichols the wandering through the newly Bagels decisions based upon spiritual guidance. Recently, it completed Students' Union Building. Nichols said he was revealed that the have hand reins had the Wilfs spirits a on the just passed by new when he was con- when it comes to RBkr administrative dealings at Wilfrid fronted by the spirit. He claimed the phantom protEgEe PIoc Pog Laurier. Sources have discovered that decisions raised white hand walls many a gloved motioning to thebland ' made this year by Lorna Marsden have been made of the corridor. Then in a deep voice it voiced, "Paint it!" bagels through the of lost and then The Dean startled the cooperative consulting her long para- disappeared. was by of keet Jebadia Perkins. This however the he 150 Ave. perky little feathered friend incident, following specters wishes cre- University (Corner Philip) of the nether regions had it's hand (or more appropri- ated what has become the infamous Wall of Memories. Exp. April 5/96
disCord March 27, 1996 5 SPORTS
Ex-Leafs: Where are they now?
Bill Walt Pudobny and ented Leafs (or NHLers for that mat- PETE ROBINSON teammate Laurie Boschman them go between their legs. Derlago, Jamie have been SPORTS to should-be-former-Leaf ter), recently spotted in CORD teamed up to market a new (well, Lan Tumball: Old lan refuses come male of the in to determine who seedy strip joints Here is a list of famous Leafs from sort of new) hair gel, Soul Glow 11. back to this country because Macoun, trying working as
him. man to ever wear a Leaf male strippers. Discord was unable the past and where they are toiling Gary Leeman: The man who had tax evasion charges waiting for the ugliest to confirm the that that their second chances his Bruce McNall, uniform is. rumor had been now glory days at Church more to rescue Apparently Larry of old Walt, spreading that both and Carlton are behind them. career than Garfield the Cat has Rvckman and Turnball are working Walt Podobny: Speaking recently won the Mr. have that will have he is the Breakers title of Nude Former John Vanßoxmeer: The author's resurfaced in Italy. The Italians a new concept any coaching Daytona Maple all Leaf. most athlete who has criminal record of the new Southern league (do image of him was shattered when grown leery of the world's a The fact in of washed former Leafs end up Unaccounted for (or if he saw him passed out behind the overrated 50-goal man. competing a sort Superstars up they were,
for his for The made a were involved in undistin- wheel of his corvette drunk out of that Gary has a penchant competition crooks. rumors there?). Recently guest they very be mind wives wouldn't of Alan the on Little House B3 to guished pursuits): Ken Yaremchuk, his while instructing at a hock- teammates certainly Eagleson being league's appearance Bruce Boudreau, Dave school. that with Italian commissioner are to reach honored next year's Cord Sports Shand, Brian ey Any rumors have help hot-blooded hockey starting by Three Pistol Curran, Mike Palmateer, Pat him linked to the voice of Lionel fans. a fever pitch. Editor, Greg Chownyk's Dave his His recent and Plaid Club. Boutette, "tiger" Williams, Lou Hutz of the Simpson's fame appear Miroslav Ihnachak: Along with Mike Foligno: coaching Val & Two of Franceshetti, Bill to be greatly exaggerated. brother Peter, Mirslav had what appointment aside, he is in the James Paul Higgins: Root, Chris
to could be the least tal- Kotsopolous and Ron Zanussi. John Anderson: After serving as seemed like a million chances to process of talking former Leafs what possibly
team of the bleak- in T.O. He captain on some prove himself was recent-
has in Mount Pleasent est Leafs teams ever, John ly spotted
thrived with the of Harold touring NHL Cemetery taking care Laurier students knock 'em
Oldtimers team and keeping his suc- Ballard's grave, the man that grew
cessful franchises of Burger joints to hatehim while he was in Toronto.
Drake going. That appears to have fallen at Berehowsky: A guy that the Beach Martin Brodeur and dead in the wayside however after moving Leafs passed on Daytona to England and having his burgers Keith Tkackuk in order to draft, is
play em integral role in the spread- now playing in Clevland for
- refused to the in due ing of mad cow disease. Pittsburgh's IHL affiliate. In the sum- DAYTONA (DISCORD) Over reading Buoyed by a supportive crowd. give up stage
routine where time. Rob Pearson: It pains Leaf faithful to mer time Drake is known to ride the week, a large contingent of Laurier Pink used afabulous
him well with animal who he he involved 70+ in the to see doing reasonably most resembles students went to Daytona to take a woman Cory Pageau, despite having
after he be when the the in Break audience ofhis suffer what he called St. Louis appeared to on on ice, Clydesdale. part the Canadian Spring as part act. through
If makes wanted to it accommodations'' two the NHL scrap pile. Mike Keenan Jim Korn: Jim now a living festivities that converge on the city "1 just give my all" "unpleasant
at before, a routine tires of him though, Rob apparently teaching youngsters the move for in mid-February, said Pink. "My career Laurier nights put on great
He will uti- which he will be best remembered- the fun and howev- short when I that wowed the crowd. the has a great backup plan. Among sun was Cut was unjustly Despite
lize the the from the basketball team in with the world's ugliest features and jumping over timekeepers in the er, Laurier's competitive juices cut my good rapport crowd,
chin market him- box order the in this like use his massive to penalty in to fight flowed and some students came first year. I'm leaving April so Pageau, O'Leary, was over-
self as a modern day Roger Ramjet. man who he just scrapped on the back with some individual hard- will be the capper to my university looked by the judge,
Rocky Saginuk: The Rock's brief ice. ware. career. "It was a travesty of good, clean
ended when he Jiri Chra: The in the his- Sean Pink led the when he "Now be said that he coaching career was worst goalie way I hope my parents can fun," O'Leary, adding
of the teaches took in "Wet me." and launched an official fired as the coach Daytona tory of the Buds now a sui- top honors the Willy" proud of Pageau
Bullets of the Sunshine cide 8 with the League a prevention course. Distraught contest held in the Super motel on Not all Laurier contestants bene- complaint organizing com-
winters back. fear shown how couple of Not to pupils are to jump in 'Iliesday, The contest was not with- fited from great crowd support mittee.
however as Rocky and old Leaf front of moving vehicles-only to have out some controversy though. The however. Tim O'Leary modeled his Another Laurier student, Steven
judge had originally picked two routine after the Right Said Fred Wright, notched a slightly different
other contestants to battle for the video, "I'm Too Sexy". Despite the honour. Wright coached the winner
top honor, but the roar ofthe crowd roaring crowd approval, O'Leary of the Wet T-Shirt contest held the forced him to adjust his decision seemed to suffer from the foct that previous day at the Super 8 for and Fink took home he the when female " the top prize. alienated judge he contestants. Csi, V?
Ifctehk, ajM
mmm :^h^h
Cord Sports
More than just face spillin'.
6 March 27,1996 disCord ENTERTAINMENT
The tender insides of 'Hard Cord'
Gavin Black records thefirst-ever interview with the reclusive 'Messiah ofCool'
GAVIN BLACK It's nothing sensational, really. She
Special to the Cord and I are friends, and we agreed
to Why did you decide finally that if she should die an untimely
to be interviewed? allow yourself death, I could have her eyes
tired of all removed and in To put it simply, I was just placed my custody.
For sort the rumours surrounding my exper- some of memento?
and for I want him to be imental diet my yo-yo problems No, my dog.
and all the rest of it. I wanted to get able to do that 'melting' thing. His
around all the cannibalistic media eyes will thenbe replaced into Julia.
the I For closure. tripe and get right to fans, so By me.
I'm human. I've could say 'Yes, Yes,
I sell did Sheriff of got issues. No, am not going to Why you resign as
I am not to a Waterloo last November? my ranch. No, engaged conflict monkey. Or a toad.' I felt that I was in a terrible
of interest. I didn't think that it dis-
You're 'well beyond the cutting played much integrity to be both a
edge', according to Peter Travers. creator of and commentator on the
ideas? It sick. Where do you get your news. was making me
Well, I love Tupperware. You can what of just kick it around and it doesn't Exactly sort message are
there and takes it. send the care. It sits . . you attempting to to
to that's what it I Laurier with col- The reclusive after the Nyaah you, says. community your genius goes feel of umn? love the a Tupperware cup, photographer; now hospitalized. hand You cretin. There is 'mes- because it just fills your totally. are a no ■
know the as it. There Did you steering yoke on sage', you so crudely put
the Space Shuttle is made out of is a divine stream of consciousness all Tupperware? Vroom! [mimics steer- flowing from the universe through Ten' lists? and thoughtful man. What would gazelles. Basically, deer-like crea- Live and ing the Space Shuttle] Vrooooooom. me and into the psyche of the read- They are irrelevant. I am an artist. I you consider to be your 'philoso- tures. impatiently furiously the über-I.etterman. life? the er. It would be hubris to think that am phy of Only leopards are happy.
there's been full-formed from Live the Hunt the else is for non-leopard- As you mentioned, a this springs my as leopard lives... Everything Favourite animal? ibex and the Hunt the like fools. lot of speculation about your per- imperfect, mortal brow. antelope.
sonal life. For the record, what The noble leopard.
is with do feel about exactly your relationship How you compar- Centre Julia Ormond? isons to David Letterman's 'Top You're obviously a complicated Sp©^:.
Is ZXAM §iy££! lAL3 X-Files found
This left blank. Coke and space intentionally Selected chips: $1.50 in Crash
PHOEBE GREEN was created to build up extra-ter-
Cord Entertainment restrial awareness. You humans
In a press conference held in have such a hard time adapting to
Folkstone, Virginia, the FBI stated things that are unknown to you.
that Fox's new hit series 'The X- You often choose to ignore the evi-
files" was not fiction. The FBI stat- dence right in front of you." With
ed that the cases the characters this, Anderson peeled back the skin
"Fox Mulder" and "Dana Scully" on her hand to reveal a gleaming,
investigate weekly, were taken from metallic surface.
actual files. "We know that will be able you
"The breach of confidence is to handle this, now that our ratings
upsetting", said Assistant Director are climbing and we are being
"It lan- Kinney. was probably done by broadcast in seven different ■Bift'^*v
some hackers. Nothing, not even guages. We come in peace, and we the work of the FBI, seems to be seek peace." Duchovny said. sacred any more." An unidentified '{he X-Files' writer, Chris Carter, source said through his smoky haze. said that Duchovny and Anderson "I'm not for the suiprised, it was only a came to him with the idea
matter of time. We should have series. "I couldn't understand at
known better than to let the big net- first, where they kept getting all
works get Involved." their ideas. Then they told me that
Startiingly released at the press they had broken into the FBl's com- that that conference, was David puters. The only episode was
Duchovny and Gillian Anderson not written from the files was that
(actors whoplay Mulder and Scully), bad one about the cat curse."
were actually found after a crash in Carter hung his head, "I wrote that ftoswell, New Mexico. Although the one."
incident was officially reported as a After removing his own scalp,
weather balloon, Duchovny and Duchovny made an unreported claim Anderson to have lost their comment in an unknown language.
stop after the crash. When asked what he had just said,
"The hackers didn't get the FBI Duchovny, head gleaming in the information. We did. Dontyouget afternoon sun said, "You people
it - of trust no one. Not even us. With have to get away from in front the
our advanced and and look around to memory techno- television you the logical abilities, FBI case files see what is going on. Do you really
were a joke to break into. The truth think that Gillian and I are the only Is in here," Duchovny said, pointing exte-terrestriafe to have landed on
a his head. be finger to your precious planet? Don't so
Anderson added, "The show naive."
disCord March 27,1996 7 (Entertainment)—
idea. UNIVERSAL GRUNT great Babe can really bounce ENTERTAINMENT But he has to learn DISCORD to shout. I know him Babe Head out to the video stores and buy I can help with that. We the really Battle of the have lot this new video, Babe's a in common. We both Pig are market, this short, and Bulge. New to the cute, pink. Okay I'm become louder and have been item may more popular on Letterman
than Babe's seven Oscar nomina- many, many more times, but those
tions. When asked he created are areas of improvement why for Babe.
Babe's said There's no limit to what releasesvideo workouttape a workout video, agents he can do." felt there most The video is due they was definitely a out next fall, need. and Babe is hard working to ensure
better the fat it meets its release "Who could people date. Asked
of America with than a what the soundtrack identify would be, Guy Babe's agent, said. Babe quickly answered, "All pig?" Smiley, a pig's for that "When they're reaching favourite hits, of course. It hasn't
fifth Twinkie that seventeenth been totally or mapped out yet, but Babe's is there will be Jos. Louis, image some- definitely some Barbra
that Streisand. She thing appeals to them." has some bee-bop- Babe himself admitted that he ping beats. I also really, really enjoy aerobic but Colin James. I had no previous talent, think the video will
be a blend ofthat that he was willing to try anything. good sort of mode.
"I learned to speak english and act My producer is pushing Alanis
to in order to avoid the slaughter- Morrisette appeal to the
house. Donning Spandex and lead- Canadian audience, but I think
a timed, sado- that's ironic," ing group in too Babe chuckled. masochistic aerobic activity can't be "Get it? Canadian Bacon?"
that To avoid that Babe said the much harder. big, first thing he plans smelly truck to the sky, I'm willing to to do is send the video home. "Mom
learn it all." is kind of a fat sow." Babe added.
Richard Simmons, when asked Universal will be releasing the the little with his opinion about pig workout video this fall at all major video the big dream said, "I think it's a stores.
Fistfull o' Fun
Sales to WLU Master goes Spidermao may have his webbing, but have CopCam you your... . Hwvwto; yuck!
2 players The only drawback to this game is
Platform, $We~scrofler its difficulty, it's abard one! Another
of this great aspect game is the CONOR MCCREERY AND bonus levels, i liked the shooting
MIKE WENCEL because Master range Bates can
discord Entertainment use his unit like a pump-action shot
Well, the Game Gurus could not gun, shooting: bottles, targets, and
believe that WLU is featured In a pornographic pin-ups. The hardest
When we asked the of the Bates' game. propri- aspect game is Master
etor, she told us that Laurier had special move, in which he uses his
continent wide won a contest to star erect member as a baseball bat to
in a video-game (the other finalists knock out the evil Laurfer Security
were Simon Fraser, Rice, Texas force. Although it looks good, it's A&M, and the University of really hard to pull off AH in all this
Washington). game is more fun then a barrel of
litis two player game is a laugh monkey spunk. We thoroughly rec-
riot, and all of Laurier's landmarks ommend it to our friends.
are here. There are levels in ' eight 4 With an Ami Pa er be ~
—'Applicable taxes extra. Cancellation else Bates beaten to a pulp' Charge: $7.50 x or gets
"
we whole new store, knew we had to rent it. opponent. It adds a The think graphics in the game were dimension to the fun! (1 awesome} makes Each of the eight levels llwacks Offe's greater speed all to: Cantel c/o Prodco WLU All in Mail Amigo Paging 701 Evans Ave. Toronto, ON M9C IA3 in its - represents entirety un- up for his lack of range). of favourite level is the Master Bates Coes to Will is one Name /M library.
Running up and down the aisles the (if hot disgusting) Address k and whenever titles If have a good dropping your pants of the year. you Prov: t City jPSHS^V the sexual frustration aren meter hits sense of school spirit (and you 1 Student Id # meltdown! Then have check this game you to hit up easily offended) # and Pager down on the control pad until out!
CA^'TCI you are satisfied. The graphics for - • Celluland CCCS Kitchener . rocket this part are cool, since Conor: A little red S. you get (My rl 112 112 I# V C) 500 Fairway Rd. 1120 Victoria St. N., Unit llMBk. points for how many people you couldn't compare!) Kitchener (519)893-0202 Kitchener (519)579-6333 spray: having more people around
no cash value and cannot be redeemed for cash. to watch boosts unit!) Coupon has Offer expires June 15, 7996.^1|fe your score. Hey, Mike: A* (Hiked the
8 March 27. 1996 disCord —(Feature) Exploration
for and purity cleanliness, However, with each new there to all these incredible to making trip exposure peo- travel half way across the planet DAVID POPOVICH the slightest bit of dust or sweat an was a new adventure to live. find always ples. to adventure. What 1 am trying Cord features avoidable evil. Only little kids have Lost in new towns hundreds of kilo- I was living by what little I knew to say is that experiencing life to the
are the days of sword- an excuse for their hands metres from Long gone getting home and experiencing and how much I could learn. After fullest and the quest for adventure is
fighting swashbuckling action on the dirty. For those who do get out of the things most would think could only criss-crossing sixteen countries with the ultimate in fulfilling the quest to seas and expeditions down the house- end the world high they seeing happen in a B-movie, I was the limited aid of a I up always train pass be human, life must be experienced
No more are there from behind the windows of that discov- Congo. places a tour glad parents never a handful of with my picked up languages (a all of one's senses. See Life's where few have ventured; where bus full with other packed fellow ered the truth ofmy touring. few with which I could actually colours, hear it's sounds, inhale it's the brave have dared to Has only go. adventurers all to liken to to travel slowed when I and the straining My urge carry on a conversation) aroma, taste it's flavour and most the world lost that that the spirit, crav- pick-up window narration of the entered as I was limited university priceless experience of my encoun- importantly feel it's textures. Don't for what have called Gee, ing many guide. sure sounds like fun! to public transit as a means oftrans- ters with countless and their people neglect your only opportunity to heroes adventure? Are of old and An adventure is what make this land. cultures. you portation to probe new Every day was different; a truly appreciate what has been
and women credited for their of it. Just because has built While men someone most people were this to considering new challenge, a new episode; offered you. Always remember zeal for life- Has the road just forgotten? a or drawn a doesn't down interests turned to to map settling my me was Hie ultimateadventure. that all of us are living life's great exhausted the 20th century limita- mean that the has With what I had exploration more exploration. Now, I'm not saying that one has adventure. tions of what be deemed adven- ended. The for can quest discovery is an saved, my next adventure would
turous? involved dimension of the human take me to Europe. Unknown lands,
The with our is condition. The need to problem society explore our unfamiliar peoples and a plethora of
that we are so in our world engaged com- Is essential as we attempt to foreign languages and customs it lives that fort driven we feel that reveal we are Cord who and how we are soon Features became the greatest adventure
since the world has been a of this universe. As children of all. mapped part No videos, no flashy pictures
to there are no new places or we wandered and examined in and go our a magazine no tour guide to
even consider venturing to. Why Adventure awaits... go limited environment, growing in soften the impact of the vibrant beyond! to a foreign land, one you have knowledge and understanding.
never been to before when Think of how much you can you learned
down to the local video store and about zip life your first year away from rent one of those colourful trip to- home. How to cook for yourself, where-ever flicks. While sitting in howto get around town without the
the of The deadline luxury your own home one family car and for a select few, how date for
can at the the wonder to applications is gaze mystery, budget your money until the submitting scholarship
of places many have only dreamed semester ends. Now, consider what
about traveling to, but few have ever could learn and you traveling expe- SEPTEMBER 30, 1996 gone, mainly because of videos like riencing the hard reality of what's these. So many people have been out there. lulled into this chair arm philosophy Personally, 1 have made a great for the following scholarships: which dictates one use action only effort to travel and explore this as a last resort. world. When I began my trek I was Concordia Scholarship in German Around the world in 90 channels still in high school and since I used Dwinnell-Steffler Scholarship seems to be the battle of cry the liv- my parents car I did have an oblig- Heidt in room tourist. Our Scholarship German ing society strives ation to be back at some time. J.C. Herbert Scholarship in History
J.C. Herbert Scholarship in Political Science Centre Spot Lorna Marsden Scholarship Hamish R Mercier Scholarship
is Alvin J. Pauli in m£ smmimiM pu.\cz Scholarship Archaeology Sims Scholarship in Science and Technology
Further information and available from the SUMMER HOURS: applications Student Awards Office, 202 Regina Street
- 9am - to Mn FoaX r Monday Thursday 9pm S™? Friday 9am to 3pm 6UMMM Sat. & Sun. CLOSED
170 University Ave T> \ Q 1 "D T T T -> DAK a LrKILL University Plaza
WATERLOO WATERLOO'S NEWEST HOTSPOT! 888 7088
PoH't forget every Wednesday and Thursday Nite we have live bands at Paddy o's. Call for info on who's playing. NO COVER
1 Chicken Buy Quarter ■ — I
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Nachos with a blend of I includes or salad Um-Um 112 soup , good, . I cheddar & mozzareUa cheese, Jo 1 so much for so little salsa and sour cream i ■ ™o m . If Mon. & the romance ends where acne it's time to Tues. ONLY | your begins, | Mon. & Tues. ONLY | take serious action. Your dermatologist has treatment Eat in ONLY I I Eat in only J conditions. programs designed for even the worst acne
See 800 470 ACNE your dermatologist today, or call 1
for free information about available treatments. theCord March 27, 1996 13 SPORTS
Athletic award nominees
She PETE ROBINSON, Michelle achievement, basketball ability and at the CIAU Championships. Andrew
LIBBI of the week HOOD, AND Humann community involvement. was an OWIAA athlete Scharschmidt
JAMIE CARLSON Michelle is in November and a three time WLU Andrew a was
Cord Sports week. has also 4th year Dave Kindree athlete of the Carolyn starting wide The Trials following is a synopsis of the Physical Dave spent his qualified for the 1996 Olympic receiver and
award winners at the annual in Montreal March 30th. major Education/ first two years beginning starting post Athletic Banquet, held Wednesday Biology major at Laurier player for the March Sarah Collins 27. from London. playing for the Football and is 2nd Michelle is one Elmira Jr. "B" Sarah a Basketball
Academic Athletic of those team. student in Hawks. He had 20 no name players who never Last year receptions aver-
Achievement Awards a close to 20 gets much press but has reputa- year was his Physical aging yards per recep-
tion the first with the Education out tion on the Andrew across country for being one gridiron. was Leanne the of the most tenacious and grittiest Golden Hawks. With only two of Waterloo also leading scorer in roundball
Domm markers. She has often her- Collegiate. Last with 14.9 points found returning defencemen, Dave has per game and was
A 3rd self added and to Rookie the rebounder in year matched up against opposing size experience a year's leading the OUAA. of Honours teams' most dominant players, and young defence. He has had to shoul- of the Year co- He is one the top shot blockers in
her record for itself. "Rooks" der lot of With the the Hawks to their first the 2.4 Physical speaks a responsibility. captained league averaging per game.
Education best kept secret is that she is the loss of a number of our defencemen ever OWIAA playoff berth. Sarah
from WLU Earle Dave star at the major granddaughter of legend over the course of the year, gained all recognition Chris
Waterloo, Shelley. has had to play 30-40 minutes per Carleton Invitational tournament Redgaurd
Leanne will this this fall and named Chris game. Dave graduate year was eventually was a
returned to after with all volleyball an Phil White a business degree and hopes to an OWIAA west division star. Ist team
absence of and one year helped the A 3rd year stu- move on into the field of business This exuberant basketball star was OUAA and
team to achieve their best season in dent athlete, management. a two time WLU Athlete of the Week CIAU all-star
some she quite time. As setter, ran Phil made an and was named OWIAA Athlete of in 1996. Chris
the offense, defense, Presidenf s Awards played great easy transition the Week following a 39 point per- was virtually and was 11th in Ontario in total from starting formance in their overtime victory unbeatable
blocks. Her abili- receiver outstanding setting to Carolyn over their cross town rival Athenas. "on the corner" this past season.
instilled a confidence in the hitters offen- Gilbert Sarah finished the the This resident from ty starting up season as Mississauga will and her "cool and calm" tackle presence sive in Last year's 9th leading scorer in the OWIAA. be missed for his outstanding contri- the her 1996. Phil on court helped teammates is a perennial all-star rookie of the bution to WLU Athletics.
become better who carries swim- players. a grade point average year for Gigi Cignini
Carrie Ostrom of 9.71. This Lac native is has sth stu- Beuport ming A year Steve Carrie started studying political science. moved for- dent from Antolcic
the as ward at year a Orangeville, A 4th year stu- Assistant Tony Weis tremendous Gigi helped dent from
to Volleyball Tony came pace during the 1995-96 season. lead the Kitchener,
Coach but soon WLU after Carolyn was undefeated in her four Golden Hawks Steve led the
out of came spending a specialty strokes in all 10 OWIAA to yet another improved
retirement to at year Bryant competitions (50 and 100 fly, 100 National Soccer Hawks finish playing College in and 200 breaststroke). In November Championship title. Her commit- into the play-
her sth at the year power position Rhode Island. at the U of T Invitational meet, ment to excellence and competitive ofls before bowing out to Western in
for the Hawks. Last season she led A ATHLETICS graduate of Carolyn won five events establishing spirit have been a major source of a controversy filled overtime match. the team in kills and digs Waterloo meet record in the 100 breast- all A talented finishing a inspiration to of her teammates. playmaker, Steve was 4th in 12th in and 10th WLU kills, digs, in Collegiate, Tony 10 stroke. She won three medals This named choice of averaged points gold year Gigi was an once again a unanimous total blocks in the OWIAA. She has and five per game assists. More at the OWIAA Championships, set- OWIAA all-star, Ist team All the coaches for the OUAA All Star been TeamRookie of the Year, COURTESY Team impressive was Tony's performance ting records in the 100 m fly and Canadian and the CIAU National team and All Canadian Ist team. MVP and an Academic All in the classroom where he had an breaststroke, posted the 3rd fastest Player of the Year. Gigi's tremendous Steve has been drafted by the and this she Canadian, once 11.0 grade point His times in in the 50 and year average. the CIAU 100 work ethic and desire to succeed Montreal Impact Soccer Club and made her felt offen- him again presence achievements landed the TSN 100 and 200 breaststroke, and will be missed next to PICTURES fly, year. hopes pursue a career in profes- the team in kills. sively, leading basketball award for academic went on to win two medals bronze sional soccer. Swimmers set for Olympic trials
GREG CHOWNYK 100m butterfly. standout Tom Fuke, who became native. "I 16 and do want a top finish in also a result of the hard work CORD SPORTS According to coach Dean Boles, the first male at Laurier to 200m Boles. Team qualify the breaststroke, as that is my dedication of coach Having already finished successful "a 8 finish for for top [Gilbert] would be the CIAU's in over best event." finish but twenty years, A top 16 would members speak nothing praise swim seasons, three Laurier With varsity pretty good." the tough compe- will swim in the 100 and 200 metre Fuke in for he from guarantee a swim the sec- him. The respect gets swimmers will now travel tition to that she is sure to face, Boles breaststroke and the 200m butter- in ond round, a great accomplishment his swimmers can be summed up Montreal this Friday to in out that the compete pointed "making fly- for him. the words of Fuke when he said, what is definitely the most team is and impor- [Olympic] very difficult "I want to have a to to personal best Besides all the talent that these "He's the reason I chose come tant meet of the the year Olympic just isn't going to happen." A 8 in all the events," said the Kitchener top swimmers possess, their success is Laurier." trials. finish would put Gilbert in the final
the for Leading way Laurier, as swim for the event which would be
she has will done all year, be a great accomplishment. Gilbert. She off Carolyn is coming a Also competing on the women's NCAAs anti-climactic double bronze medal performance a side will be Sue Miller. Miller will
few weeks at the CIAU's in the ago swim 200 metre backstroke as
third both Guelph, as she placed in well as the 100m backstroke and
the 100 and 200 metre breast- the 100freestyle.
stroke. It has been an up and down SCOTT CULLEN who year number-one seeds. On the other nation, is a 611" shot-blocker A few weeks prior, Gilbert for this swimmer, as she has been CORD SPORTS offensive side of the tournament bracket, has an impressive array of home three medals in various illnesses that brought gold plagued by The big dance has worked its fourth-seeded to way Syracuse is up skills. Camhy gets room operate the and 200 metre breast- have 100 made her slow down her train- down to four and competitors, in against fifth-seeded Mississippi due to the outside scoring presented stroke, and the 100 metre butterfly ing schedule. the has anti-cli- and process, set up an State, by guards Bdgar Padilla at the OWIAA She "I want to championships. go in the best time and mactic final Hie The Minutemen game. U.Mass-Kentucky game will Carmelo iVav&so, also set records in both of the 100 finish in the the 200m top twenty [in The NGAA basketball tourna- mark the front- highly-anticipated also have an experienced metre at the OWIAA's. events backstroke]," said Miller. "The times ment will wind down March between ana rematch the top two teams court, with seniors Dana Dingle The Montreal will be the lot faster trip to are a this year," a result of Madness this weekend at the the in country, Massachusetts won Donta Bright. second crack at the trials Olympic Canada's growing strength in the Meadowlands in New the first that Jersey meeting of the season, 92- Kentucky is not a team
for Gilbert. She swam in the 1992 backstroke event. Nevertheless, In the premier semi-final a team 82, on the strength of Marcus relies on one star, but rather trials as a young swimmer. This Miller was quick to point out that the the con- matchup, University of Camby% 34 points. full ofstars. This season, time around she will in the it is compete "just making an honour." Massachusetts will take the coaches has on Cimby, who won the Naismiih sensus amongNCAA 100 and 200 m breaststroke and the On the men's side, first of in continued t5 year University Kentucky a battle of Award as the top player iiwßte on page
14 March 27, 1996 theCord -{Sports) UMass, UK the Cord Sport Hawks: still kickin. heavy favourites
When it to Cinderella sto- continued from page 14 comes
been that Kentucky could put two ries, Mississippi State is as good as
the The shocked the bas- teams in the top twenty in coun- any. Bulldogs
ketball world try, and NBA scouts are projecting as by destroying Wildcats in the Southeastern many as six as potential Kentucky Conference and have dis- NBA players. final, they Halltech Outfitters Delk of teams such as Environmental/Exploration Long-range shooter Tony is posed highly-touted Cx\> \m mt has all VVI your tree planting the leader, combining with Anthony Connecticut and Cincinnati to reach equipment iW.tjr requirements in stock at competitive prices. back- the Meadowlands. Epps to form a dangerous
court. But they have ample support Mississippi State's defense has •Planting Bags •Gloves j||w jj from hardworking center Mark been so tough in the tournament •Planting Harnesses *Bug Dope forwards Antoine Walker and that have held their opponents Pope, they •Silvi-cool Shirts I T i Bags *Bug jki from the Walter McCarty, and swingmen to a mere 33% shooting •Husqvarna & •Rain Gear (all types) ly /La* JL Derek Anderson andRon Mercer. field. Nokia Boots "Sleeping Pads (all types) 1
While the Minutemen have only Center Erick Dampier is a huge •Speed Spades *Tents (all types) JHH IVJfIMI
this it would force in the for the a s ypes) lost one game season, paint Bulldogs rllSfglSi l S'i« 503 Imperial Rd. N„ Unit#2 •Extractors R T virtual miracle and transfer "Sleeping Liners seem to require a to defensively, juco Bag GuELPH
of a team of Kentucky's cali- Dontae' Jones has been an excellent dispose In Stock! |z I Hwy #7 Woodlawn Rd. Guelph I bre twice in one season. Not to it addition. Senior guard Darryl Wilson say E O Water Tower k c done, but it won't. is the leader for the »Usl (503) can't be scoring ; | Nt__|
Mon - Fri. - 5 1 X On the Cinderella side of the and with 83m Jj" ' Bulldogs, sophomore pin Speedvale Ave. to°4oi
- bracket, is the Marcus Bullard, forms an effective 10am 3 pm _ Syracuse surprise Saturday: TT Cai.L Us AT (519) 766-4568 of the East in the tandem. ■Bl (Sat April representative Big guard Only)y FAX (519) 766-0729 of Final Four. Syracuse was overlooked The defense Mississippi State
the inside. in the powerful Big East conference should stifle Syracuse on
If their this season, as teams like the Orangemen revert to If wear glasses...You should attend our which worked well you Connecticut, Georgetown, or zone defense, so
Wilson should make Villanova were supposed to make a against Kansas,
them EYEWEAR STYLE run for the title. pay with his three-point SHOW
Forward John Wallace has been bombs.
the The National is extraordinary in tournament Championship Exclusive showing of entire collections from Guess
and hit the overtime three-pointer supposed to be a rematch of the SEC and that allowed in Harley-Davidson Eyewear Syracuse to escape final, pitting Kentucky against
overtime against Georgia. Wallace Mississippi State. As tough as it
to appears to have made the right deci- would be for U.Mass upend ONE DAY ONLY WTMigmrw sion to return for his senior season Kentucky twice, it would be even
all- difficult for MSU their at Syracuse, improving his more despite Friday March, 29
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theCord March 27, 1996 15 (Sports)— Leafs Talk bids farewell
the Even if do megabucks, it looked so good we felt ISSUE 3: GOOD CALLS. We were for final spot? they injury prone. Pittsburgh-No defense. JASON PAUL AND ROB MCGOWAN if Florida-Cinderella he "easily could be a 35 scorer." on Jonnson. He sneak in, it does not matter is goal very high Kenny really story over Cord Sports We didn't of the better Montreal-Not with realize it would take him blew us away when we watched they can't beat a clown any for a
After two Leafs Talk offers a years, both seasons to reach it.... When him in the Didn't teams. Thirteen shots against coach. team play pre-season. Chicago-Same as last final few words before on to Rich Sutter late the realize he would be Brutal. and what did moving was picked up in playing in Long Philly? year they do? finer pastures. Although the season is the Colorado-Get boys there was a sense "he might Island a few months later.... When ISSUE 5: PREDICTIONS. This playoff jitters. Detroit- haven't too well performed over this be the to a successful last column to believe Choke. New key playoff Cliffie was looking for help on D truth and the only Jersey-Already had there have been period, some run." Cliffie could have all the when it to their turn. pretty gotten year we suggested Matt Schneider comes picking a Stanley and exciting surprising moments. Sutters and it wouldn't have made winner. This a from the Habs.... We argued, like Cup year we are going ISSUE 1: THE BEGINNING. When difference.... Last "the other armchair that the to with the year, we felt every GM, go Stanley Cup champi- QUESTION MARKS: Who will coach this column in its and was infancy are in round." Leafs - New the Buds next Wings gone the first needed a gritty player in the ons from one year ago York year? We say King or with fresh ripe opinions, Bettman's Bit of a mistake here but mold of Wendel dark. Never How about Can rumour imag- Rangers. Why? great Crisp. Gretzky make that much lockout wiped us out. The Sundin has it that it still led of applies for this cam- ined that he would out and goaltending, a bruising defense a difference to the Blues? go get Is it just trade kept us going for a while but this paign.... Early in season Larry the one and 0n1y.... We said by Cayuga/Hamilton boy Marty us or is Kerry Fraser that brutal?
we were forced to write about stuff led us to tends to fall and if and front that Which Canadian Murphy's strong play say Momesso asleep McSorley depth up city will lose their like Leaf '80s. All-Stars of the Rocky he looked like a Norcis candidate. he "tries this around Pat he'll be be matched the team next? What will big can only by Wings. you kids do been Saganuik must have a Don't have to the rode he not have next without you play some defense riding pine." Well, he it Messier knows will year Leafs Talk? favourite some readers. to win that among trophy? right out ofT.O. many more kicks at the can, so look ISSUE 2: BAD PREDICTIONS. Here Bad Mark: "How low Question can ISSUE 4: PLAYOFF DRIVE: Will the for him to have a big play-olf. Here PRO TIP OF THE WEEK: To all you are a few comments we the experts Flames go?" Leafs make the Who the none of the kids out actually playoffs? are reasons why young there, there will be have made in previous articles. we have Apparently, should been would have the would other teams out there have a and lows so thought boys highs just try your best When Cliffie signed Mike Craig to about the be in battle with talking boys. a a bunch of Ducks chance. Philly-No goaltending, like all Canadians.
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Saturday: 10:00 -1:00 And deliver we can your prescriptions free of charge. have Hope you a great and safe summer! See you back in September. WE GUARANTEE IT. 16 March 27,1996 theCord -(Sports) Quick fixes for fflllWHB! Major League Baseball the first round SCOTT STINSON winners, the Boston Red Sox, in teams had the two best Cord Sports of the playoffs. Those this: Not 1 records in the American League. The wild- Let me first say long ago, was a the card New York Yankees to play the huge baseball fan. I lived and breathed entry got the West been a Seattle Mariners, who won division, Toronto Blue Jays. There could have worst from 1984 to 1994 in the first round. Those teams had the doubleheader every night teams. It is fore- and I still wouldn't have been sick of baseball. records of the four playoff a conclusion in other that the But I am now. gone any sport record It started with the strike of '94. The players team with the best regular season gets union screamed and whined about how all to face the weakest playoff team. Otherwise, become less fair deal. At the time, their season important. ■" they wanted was a regular games .„.. X;.v - Igfr :»x*:- :■■:■:■:■■- million dollars. But in the backward world of baseball, that's average salary was over a the it is. Maybe I'm being narrow-minded about the way whole situation, but I still can't shake the felt of 3. The Baltimore Orioles suf- thought that the players that as a group collectively fer an of one million injuries. The Student employees making average grievous I I this is tad Join to know, one a indulgent. dollars a year play a game, they were being know, has. treated unfairly. But this team really irks me. Always Ever the few But they did. And they forced the cancella- since Peter Angelos bought team a been damn tion of the World Series because of it. And I'm seasons ago, they've so smug. Publications Staff Baltimore fans still bitter. They built a new stadium, and best baseball. So, the baseball season is almost ready to promptly declared it the park in find But I oohed and aahed howit is throw- go, and I myself not really caring. They over a to old with and could once again. If the following things hap- back parks, complete quirks for interest intricacies. Call old-fashioned, but of pen. (And the record, my declining me part of that aren't inten- is not correlated to the sagging fortunes of the the charm quirks is they don't call tional. Jays, so me a bandwagon jumper. But the isn't limited to the stadi- Hell, I'm still a Buffalo Bills fan.) smugness the Orioles have um. Every off-season, gone Cord 1. Inter-league play. out and purchased a fleet of free agents to It's amazing to think it has taken this long augment the team. Yes, the Jays have not to consider inter-league play. Last September, been afraid of free agency, but the bulk of their of the trade. baseball celebrated the accomplishments success came via Alomar, Carter, Features Editor Baltimore's Cal Ripken Jr., who broke Lou Devo, Henderson, Cone, Ward, Henke, Gehrig's record for consecutive games played. Fernandez. All part of a trade. The Orioles? Universal also praise was heaped upon Bonilla, Palmeiro, Sabo, McDowell, Alomar, Atlanta's Greg Maddux for his remarkable Myers, Smith. Free agents. And now they're ofthe four consecutive Cy Young awards in the 90's. all smug again about how they have one Yet only half the baseball fans have had the best teams around. And they do. Keystone opportunity to see either player perform. As a Yup, grievous injuries. wouldlove fan in an American League city, I to Maddux I'm National see pitch. sure League So, the baseball Editor-in-Chief fans feel the same about Ripken. If baseball is to recover, inter-league play is a must. is almost season Asst. Editor 2. The playoff system is fixed. I to and don't mind the three-division system in ready go, in theory, but its inaugural year, it looked pret- Sales dumb. The Cleveland Indians rolled find over not Manager ty I myself the opposition on the way to thebest record in but in years, they got no break the playoffs. really caring. Events Editor Since the playoff schedules were predeter- Special mined, the Indians played the East division Administration Keystone E.IC. Art Director Will give the opportunity to gain actual while managerial experience working on industry-standard desktop publishing system. An be attached. optional resume may All Applications Close March 29,1996 at 4:30 pm. Please return applications to the attention of Laurie Legault, Her mailboxes located in both President-eIect,WLUSP, in person. are In the WLUSP ad last week, the A/R Clerk Position hiring the Cord offices and WLUSU offices, on the Third Floor of the was listed incorrectly as open. Student Union Building. We Fax: Ave. W., Ontario N2L3CS will instead be hiring for the position in the fall of 1996. By (519) 884-7723. By Mail: WLUSP, 75 University We the regret error. Applications and Job Descriptions are available in the Cord Offices (third floor, 5.U.8.) theCord March 27, 1996 17 ENTERTAINMENT treble charger fans see "red" NATALIE SAFRI responded well to everything, defy- to prevent electrocution, I guess). Cord Entertainment ing the heat and nastiness by having They apologized for the heat, but Millions of miles have time could be when touring a good anyway. how sorry they really had no effect treble The band itself of apparently on was not immune they looked out into the huge sea dialler's enthusiasm for live perfor- from discomfort. Their solid rock faces? or interest fans. mance, their in the It's good to know that recogni- the Despite considerable heat and tion does to the bands "As far as finally come humidity during last Thursday's that deserve it, and treble charger show at the Volcano, they main- material certainly does. Besides being the all- tained a dangerous level of hyperac- goes, around, down-to-earth, and decent tivity, the crowd wide keeping guys of the Ontario indie rock scene, awake, and the bouncers hard at they brought they are hooky song-writers and work. exciting performers. All of these As far as material goes, they out much of qualities came out beautifully last out much of the stuff from brought Thursday. In just a short time, I'm the last two albums, as well as the stuff from certain that performing in a small unreleased showcasing some as-yet venue will become impossible for songs. They played 'red'. They the last two treble charger. 'even the played grable'. They kept The crowd demanded an experimentation to a minimum, albums" encore. They got one. It was just one playing everything straight (pausing more case of treble charger only to include a few bars of The responding to the needs of their Presidents of the United States of work ethic showed actual fans. up as Good musicianship, good America s 'Peaches' in the middle of puddles of sweat on the and and attitudes. stage, songs, good Nothing another song). The packed house towels had to be put down (in order unusualfor this band. treble charger fans hungered for more from their tasty Ontario indie band at the Volcano last week. Celestine Prophecy an interactive read scholars them I others but rummaging through thought profound, probably don't spend much time ther than your own mind to debate Peru trying to find all the insights, Yet it's to annoying. not for me tell on: notions of who we are, why we them. in the ninth and last which because each particular you ones, read- are the way we are, and where we This element salvages what one which informs er will them in dif- can from here. humanity essentially grasp go would have been a deliriously poiso- where it is going to from here ferent Thus, reaches go ways. it you in ways that nous review, and persuades me to 1-8 tell where humanity The Celestine offers can't — the ideas (insights Prophecy most other fiction recommend it — more for what it from it came and where it is a chance to think about con- derive from this become you you entirely can become, rather than what it now). Yet, the Peruvian each govern- cepts of us are familiar with, personal, and you need look no fur- essentially is. ment (supported by some pow- erful religious figures) con- demns the manuscript, forbid- ding anyone from searching for it. the Oscar They believe manu- it script, ifmade public (which is gets right what the scholars want to do), would undermine religion as we know it; the between SCOTT relationship STINSON Dead Man Walking while Nicolas worthy winners. JASON KALRA humans and the divine would be Cord Entertainment Cage's turn as a suicidal alcoholic in One last thing: I Eked the pig. It Cord Entertainment fundamentally altered. Movie fans can a breath little easier Leaving Las Vegas earned him Best was cute. it's So, a race for the manuscript, now. The pig didn't win. Actor honours. The Celestine Prophecy good versus bad lots of Yes, the of guys guys, Academy Motion Further sticking to form was the By: James Redfield (Warner New troops, murder, imprisonment, and Picture Arts and Sciences reaf- Best Supporting Actress award, York, a good terrified academics firmed its 1993). many collective sanity on which went from Dianne Wiest in 246 Pages, Hardcover. $22.95 (probably the best kind). it Monday night when awarded Best '94 in Woody Allen's Bullets Over Artistically this novel suffers. Picture honours to Mel Gibson's Broadway to Mira Sorvino in '95 in The Celestine is the The Prophecy about dialogue is and Braveheart. As as unconvincing bizarre some of Woody Allen's Mighty Aphrodite. search for an ancient manuscript. people "smile so much that the wryly" Academy's picks have been over If an upset winner had to be The manuscript is divided into nine want them to die from it. you the years, Babe as Best Picture picked, it would have to be Bryan parts, or which answer The characters are "insights", typical: gen-x would have topped them all. Singer for Best Original Screenplay questions regarding why humans foreigners for direction, searching Probably would have devalued the for The Usual Suspects. Not that are the and other who way they are, antiquated priests bark about Oscar a all by good twenty percent Singer wasn't deserving, as the writ- existential concerns. such noble scriptures, 'common with a people' by itself. ing was brilliant, it's just that rarely because of the Now, part excite- hyper-acceptance of the manuscript. But it didn't happen. So the little does a movie like his get recognition ment in reading this derives from The most annoying thing about the pig that could will remain a very other than the nomination. The the of each insight, I'll characters kids unraveling pro-manuscript (besides movie instead of a red Usual good flag Suspects usually gets called a refrain from summarizing them. the fact that there are far too for many) an industry gone nutty. stylish crime-thriller. It could also be But I can this book is fic- is that the the entire say barely they absolutely accept Actually, night was called a violent crime-drama, and its to be to tion, for purpose seems manuscript, seemingly unable to one with few surprises. Critics violent crime-dramas very usually get the its wisdom. is relay insights to the reader and question This not how ripped the Academy when the high- overlooked. scholars and result hopefully inspire some speculation. act, as a there is ly-acclaimed Dead Man had Walking Overall, you to be happy The fictional framework is more of a an of contrivance and and atmosphere Las were both with Oscar tearing Vegas this year. Braveheart means to deliver ideas. left off the Best Picture In artificiality. ballot. was a spectacular film, and Gibson it To his credit, Redfield milks the However, must be said that this response, the movies' stars took deserves credit for keeping some fictional freedom for all its worth. book contains some home the hardware. Susan Saradon truly provoca- monstrous battle scenes from com- The involves of tive ideas and theories. Some of story a plethora was recognized as Best Actress for ing apart at the seams. They are 18 March 27, 1996 theCord {Entertainment) Pubbin' Out at the Duke Most of the restaurant is dimly served on Yorkshire Pudding. It was which eventually arrived the JOEL LYNN AND lit and darkly furnished, adding good, but he thought it was actually after mix-up with the side to beef. dish. GEORGE RAPTIS another authentic touch to the going be pieces or slices of beef. Cord entertainment restaurant. The furniture, however, Instead, it was shaved roast Did we mention we thor- the bread? food connois- is not that comfortable. it was good, was a oughly enjoyed For our last supper as George's Although George little with how "Be careful when chair felt like it was to col- it ordering seurs for the Cord, we decided to try going disappointed your the far turned The Cream of beer", cautions His micro- out the nearby Duke of Wellington, lapse, and table was too out. George. that his brewed beer that located at 33 Erb Street West small for our meals. Asparagus soup preceded was not really The items include various meal was delicious, the but that was the risk he took between Albert andKing St. menu although great, restau- than classic dishes like Steak & of the meal was the bread. ordering a new beer. The rant The Duke is a little different English highlight problem sugges- cost most restaurants. It is an English Kidney Pie, and Bangers and Mash. Joel and George repeatedly asked was that it $4.65 a pint! He tions. Without them, we of the In The Duke of for more and bread wishes he had known that when he have some pub in the true sense term. addition, Wellington more through- may never found their meals. Joel's usual choice like The pub is full of dart boards, carries other non-British favourites out ordered. of of our favourite restaurants Joel started with the French water with slices of lime Del authentic British memorabilia, and such as Chicken Souvlaki on a Pita, comes in Yukiko's, Dents, 20 King Street of beers. Even and Onion The dish was in these situations. and Rain Tree. thanks to Dr. a variety imported fajitas. Soup. average, handy Special bit of and taste of The Duke all but it's not our waitress had a British accent. George opted for the Roast Beef lacking a spice a is right, Marsden, Dean Nichols, and Fran red wine...not worth favourite restaurant. it their really its $4.45 our Perhaps Wdowczyk for guest appear- price tag. Joel ordered the $4.95 is because it doesn't really cater to ances. meal deal for his main course. The students. It's a nice place, but in the Finally, the "Eating Out with Joel special included Bar-B-Q ribs and a competitive Kitchener-Waterloo and George Awardfor Restaurant of choice of salad fries. The ribs it's the or restaurant market, got some Year" goes easily to Del Dente were incredibly tender and the catching up to do. for great food, service, and pricing. sauce had a mellow smoky flavour. We would like to thank our read- Good luck on your exams and have TNT Joel opted for their garden salad ers for their encouragement and a great summer! Dear TNT, DeaTTW, My roommate has started a 1-976 I am getting very frustrated with in I I number our home. am answer- myself. can't seem to give my girl- friend ing the phone to nothing but moan- an orgasm and I'm beginning think ing voices. Help! to it's because of me. Is this normal and what do about Signed Phone Moan can I it? Signed Frustrated Lover DearPhone Moan, Frustrated It seems as though your roommate Dear Lover, has not much - alone in this put very thought into Trust us you are not this issue. threatened yourfeelings on However, area. Many men feel by since it's already done, there is the idea of not being able to fulfill always the old saying that goes... "If what they believe to be the peak of can't beat 'em, 'em". Think excitement - you join an orgasm. Contrary to SELE^IOI^^-W all the situa- do of advantages of the popular belief, many women not tion you're in. People pay TONNES experience orgasms through oral of money in order to talk dirty on sex or intercourse. It is not abnor- " the — phone to and mal, nor should KING ST. WAT. 884-7376 strangers you you feel you are £/Ssfil3L /402 N., have the your phone ringing off doing something wrong. In an open ■ Jr (BETWEEN HARVEY'SAMD BURGER KING) hook. Not is this should be able only not costing relationship you to i STANLEY PARK MALI. 748-0918 but you a dime, you're getting paid talk about ways to please each for it as well. You'll never have to other, and this is what should mat- masturbate andall - again, your sex- ter. Here's a hint when you are rid- ual desires can be in the fulfilled simply ing waves, picture yourselfas the receiver. Besides, a by picking up waterfall, be strong and flowing be able and you might even to meet a use great force. This will take with potential partner one of your away from your worries, as we're calls. have sure mate If you can someone you'llfind your in your scream out and your name moan waterfall. Remember there's a over the phone, imagine how erotic undertow, so don't the strong forget I ,S • |Mjl|™ I - v be in I , «? - , I they'd person. preserverfor safety. Signed TNT Signed TNT r GRADUATION PHOTOS" n LOOK WHAT YOU GET FOR <4L A A A V ■ 3r • jf jf session in a professional PROOFS READY IN 24 HRS. > \ m"m m-*% We carry all faculties and colours for UW & WLU Call today and book your appointment with us! HIGHLAND Portrait Studio EVERGREEN PLAZA (Westmount & Highland) theCord March 27, 1996 19 (Entertainment)- This weeks words o' wisdom Hard mind - there's MADAME MELAMINA are unfounded. could shelf for so people to read squeeze How long. your Cord Cord can know what are Entertainment someone possibly take that special VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22) no way they you them to ARIES from the Stress is at its ultimate this week. Tell how you long (Mar 21-Apr 20) someone away you, way thinking. that be held. AARON is treat It's a so be touched, long to HUNTER Flexibility always an area you you him so right. Beware, the good thing you're worrying you work with that its because This is chance to don't let it CORD should on, especially academic monster rears ugly much, school desperately a sting, ENTERTAINMENT can't 1. "1,2,3,4". crappy pre-exam schedule you're head at the beginning ofApril. Take needs your attention. You put pass you by. to off those SAGITTARIUS 22-Dec 21) Codioonaßigwfaeel. facing. Want try something new time and study for those exams. assignments any longer. (Nov in Your stress about house hunting is and uplifting? Whipped cream is a CANCER (June 21-July 22) Stop drowning your sorrows for is 2. treat to have realized Wilfs and back to work. The not to Springer. great new the ordinary. Finally you that you beer, get escalating. key you instinct. It's when from the real don't have to take the that the The crunch for is on. hesitate. Go with tough stuck to Stay away cream in crap studying your you're a the love rhombus. — Don't next cartons it gets sticky and its sub- members of the opposite sex have LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22) plan on houstv'apart- stance will ment to be "Su Casa". You have to only slow you down. dealt you. It's about time that you You have been running yourself 3. in the are a all of chores learn to a mediocre stu- of X: The TAURUS (Apr 21-May 20) realized that you really special ragged tying to get your appreciate 'Songs Key X- dent when its low Files official soundtrack. Romance Ls pretty poor this week, person. How could not with the done. Take time out to appreciate housing project which is for that and hard work and smell hits in As if there's no subliminai a good thing you, espe- enormous earning potential yourself, all the you ceilings musty you mes- awaits have into Give the face. cially now that you've fallen so far you upon graduation. put your year. your- sages. behind all classes. find CAPRICORN 22-Jan in of your How LEO (July 23-Aug 22) self a special bubble bath, (Dec 19) think and scrub-a- The time show affection is over. 4. can you possibly about bring- It's time you learned to relax. Your someone to join you, to Fargo. to Steve has someone home for of stressful life is too conta- dub-dub. What better to relax Tell that of it's time Buscemi a date with ing a night getting way partner yours a else's No has to passion when you haven't even gious. If you don't ease up you'll than watch someone privates put up or shut up. one wood-chipper. of that find in wait this for their needs. You thought doing essay? yourself a clock tower firing float in the tub. long GEMINI at work hard to be It's S.TheSBE. (May 21-June 20) away innocentstudents. Take the SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21) appreciated. Your ambition and drive formi- time invite that You have voice about time the rewards Let's cut out ail this feudin' are to special someone to your concerns and you got you and a- but that there that scented with deserve. fussin' and down to dable, concerns may up to your place, use any problems you are having so richly get some be for main left the Don't 20-Feb lovin'. competition your massage cream you've on your relationships. expect AQUARIUS (Jan 18) Your personal economics continue 6. The to be your main concern. Don't go Kids in the Hail movie. La ...but for value and TIiAMA flexibility haven't Release it! Release it! II h|mi| spending money you yet go see it fiere Pv there is no better way if let for IllCiy received. Relax, that tax return will you just me, the love of to take its time. Hoard those Pete! ■ go than with a precious A materialistic goods. Kraft Dinner 7. J Mascis cheaper can be wonderful as breakfast, of Dinosaur Jr. ways per- dinner. solo at tiie Volcano lunch, or forms April TRAVEL CUTS. to to PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20) 7th. little it Feel the get You are a slippery sucker; (acoustic) pain. takes lot of a to get a hold you. for 8. Mcdure's fish fetish. While you are definitely looking Troy Europe... need that romantic interlude, be con- Nowno one feel ashamed cerned of what you may be getting into bed with. Who wants their bed 9. Security cracks down on people to smell kind of fishy? stealing computer-time. Who are these arch-criminals? High-tech riff-raff, the flotsam and jetsam of our sick modem lITRAVELCUTS society. Stinson's last GLORY. 10. Scott paper Student 886-8228 (sniff). Union Building HIS _ "Round the decay / Ctfthat colos- ont. Reg #2785100 The Travel Company of the Canadian Federation of Students ALL sal wreck, boundless and bare / IN The lone and level sands stretch STINSON far away." * m TRAVEL CUTS , Whenw vYou BookD , Avowees campus ff * One Of These Holidays j M JbjContiki few J§»ff By March 29, time ULTIMATE EUROPEAN On a Contiki tour you spend more having fun, THE countries in 46 da s! details that make travel- visit 17 EuroPean V because we take care of all the can From $113/day; includes most meals. And when book one or the follow- ling a chore. now, you The THE EUROPEAN ADVENTURER - The Ultimate ing Contiki tours European or Visit 12 countries in 37 days! -p ire Adventurer -at 1 ravel LUIS, you get return European From JB7/day; jncludes most meals FREE. Don't miss this fabulous airfare to London for ALSO $199 Travel today! AVAILABLE, opportunity.y Drop by CUTS, RETURN TRIP TO LONDON:* Your nearest + . . 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Full details available at CUTS/Voyages ?FCgJ| full by 29, Federation of Students Coming Card mmmmrmmm a valid International Student Identity (ISIC). t Participants must possess Soon. 20 March 27, 1996 theCord Entertainment) Chemistry in the workplace this film and half DEANNA NASCIMBEN AND He Said: I really was quite wary tively well scripted film make its Justice have a perfectly balanced receives eight a — the hands two which is based out of ten. CONOR MCCREERY when I entered the theatre the way into of gifted, chemistry, one on loving sighs I actors. than heroic He Said: I the Cord Entertainment film had not been my choice, and and popular more a typical scene thoroughly enjoyed braced for a with She Said: Close and Personal where the female is film, and it She stared deeply into his eyes and was (even Up helpless res- give eight loving sighs delivers much than would cued the male. A of asked if he really missed her. "So Redford, and Ms. Michelle) poten- more one by experienced out ten. film. and be led to believe. Atwater and sweet and much that it hurts", he replied as he tially "cheesy" By large very captivating drama, unfounded returned the passionate stare and my fears were as Up they embraced. Close... was actually pretty good. Robert and Michelle The from the duo Gurus Redford acting dynamic enjoy worm game Bedford's Pfeiffer star in Up Close and was superb (although follow- sometimes had me Personal, a romantic drama direct delivery female and the test of the cast CONOR MCCREERY though I can't really as within the game, such as the infa- ing one aspiring reporter's get many Pfeiffer ANDMIKE VENCEL opportunities to use Jim's head to mous slide, the talking cows, the climb to the top. is Sally (particularly Atwater's personal pig solid. Cord Entertainment to A new move is the and the slavering Atwater, an amlitious, yet inexperi- cameraman) Was quite swing glory. squishy puppies, the beast. The level of the direction, She Said: Although the plot plays on "snot parachute", and "snot best is enced young lady lacking game and desire The lev- The panache and knowledge, Enter |he audience's emotions swing" (rammmm....snot). the puppy drop. evil Psy-crow lor this is reached Earthworm Jim 2 els are is out the window, Redford as Warren Justice. Justice, passion, plateau quite challenging, making throwing puppies llvels. The Genesis this as difficult as its and Jim has the marsh- a veteran of the newsroom, immedi- on many romantic con- game just pre- to use giant Entertainment find mallow to ately spots Sally's potential, and nection is apparent at the outset, Shiny decessor if not more. If you can o' love get them to Fete, the film One three items in each level their anxious dad. But if begins shaping her career their there turns into beast hyper-competitive world of televi- chance circumstances and He's back, he's back, for the love of allows you to start from now a huge slavering fun, and it and beats The levels sion journalism. Bedford's first step strong admiration for each other. God he's back! (No we're not talking on. EJ 2 is just good yo* scary ass. ffeiffer's cheered Mike who after that — there's is to create Tally Atwater, He Said: While there are no Wendel here). Everyone's favourite even up was in a get stranger one and mood before introduced where intestine alter-ego, who has the style pyrotechnics or speeding car chases, Annelid is back and ready to scrap. bitter being you are in a huge but and Jim the Personal has — Jim has to Jim left bitter he into blind moxie to make it to the top. Up Close and more Yesiree Earthworm (he a man, turns Salty, trials than bells and to in bitter the not Salamander the level. Needless to say, after many enough whistles returned, an even better game was at game at Hfe). to get through hold in. Mike. I little bitter that This level was and what and tribulations, Atwater ends up your attention. For instance than you first saw him was a tough, in a Earthworm Jim excellent Conor to the this made it harder was Conor and I attaining her goal as a network there is a lengthy riot prison 2 is an got pick game the homes week because I it would be each other to see who anchor. (which led to the most poignant romp through summer figured taunting — - most could the farthest. beat the She Said: Redford delivers as moment in the film my opinion), of die nefarious villains in the stupid how wrong I was. EJ2 is get 0 Jim FUN! As Conor — intense to expected a very and dra- some nicely played dramatic universe, as attempts stop we first turned on the larvae but stupid screwed up determined That matic performance laced with his moments as Atwater breaks her Psy-Grow from marrying his boda- Genesis, I was to hate the game show!) brings me to mil- first few well the cious but 1 but next make patented sex appeal. When his stories, as as ten- babe, Princess What's-her- this game, couldn't help my point sure you play when Conor Mend when rent this lion dollar smile is teamed with sion that is apparent when later on name. So strap on your pocket rock- laugh as Jim groaned with a you doll to Conor and I traded off after Pfeiffer's determination for success, in her career Atwater has appeared et, put an Elvis in your pants went pick up a pig. (Groaning? game. Pardon me? Rent the we died and taunted each other the magnetic connection draws the to have "lost it". I lollywood seems to and try not to squish too many pup- Pigs? game!) The at have this audience deeper into the film. Both thrive on using stars to render palat- pies in this quest of your young developers Shiny pulled when we weren't playing. TVy of their able of the soulless material life- all the in order to make love it. in and out the newsroom, some wormy out stops game, you'll of Conor; A+ growing attraction helps carry the that is normally churned out in la- Conor: 1 own the original this the best (and funniest) game land. rela- Jim Mice A plot. La So, it is nice to see a Earthworm and love it, even the year. There axe numerous jokes '**B & 20 LUings ' 1 ...only ■ 1 I I K V W^ W 110 University 111 P m B 7Sy-». to 1 '"" W>v.w. ■ theCord March 27, 1996 21 CLASSIFIEDS Progressive Student Mbnforl THE REALITYOF PROGRESSION... after 6 p.m. Painting Co. lfdl I - avail- in Join the Young Liberals today! Call House for rent 5 bedrooms, (Located Mississauga, Ontario) location, Ryan @ 725-9173 3 bedroom house for rent, laundry, able May 1 Great laundry. Currently seeking Applications for: COME OUT TO THE be seen! each. 1- Junior/Intermediate YOUNG LIB- parking, just steps to University, May must $275/month Accountant ERALS more (Full-Time ANNUAL GENERAL MEET- to May lease Utilities included, call 905-735-7846 for info. Position) Process Fin ING MARCH 27th. Stmts for 6 A/P and One - 3 bedroom, kitchen, div's, Executive posi- SOCCER James or Mark at 574-2064 or equipped subledger, tions available. Contact $325 Cash Bank Ryan @ Coaches and assistant coaches are Pager 241-2985. Special Incredible free laundry facilities/parking. Reports, Recs, Gen. 725-9173. month. Utilities Admin Duties. 2nd needed for teams in all age groups, signing bonus in effect. per person per yr CGA/CMA, 1-2 For about these included in rent. 1 lease May experience preferred. more information, year yrs Salary: Wanted: 3 bedroom sublet for call available in house 1/96. Call 416-491-1370 $27-30K on Sept. volunteer positions, please 2 rooms a on (depending experience). 96 - Dec 96. Professional Must be walking dis- Waterloo Minor Soccer at 578-9680. Ezra. May - September. Reasonable Environment!! tance to WLU. Please Call Christine Call 883-9556. Deadline Oriented!! Must be price Krista at able to JUVIvC vllvlCU Jenn at 725-2384 Erin at work Fax or or WANTED independently!! resumes, 884-0083 - bedrooms. INNOVATIVE MINDS FOR AN House for rent 4 or 5 including salary expectations, to: Thtor available in INNOVATIVE FUTURE. Available Sept 96, Iyr lease. 295 Experienced 905-564-2370; Attn: Controller. 886-2928. 1 Calculus, Math, Physics Wanted: Bachelor or Bedroom Join the Young Liberals inclusive.. Washer and dryer includ- Airline Now to sublet from to Call @ ed. Call Joe at 888-4567 ext 5693 jobs! apartment May Ryan 725-9173 hiring! $10-25 per - Wedding and August, or May. Call Jeremy at 884- until 5. After 5 call 742-9562. Photography hour. All positions, both skilled and Portraiture: A blaxt from the 3995. past- unskilled. Excellent pay/benefits. Kent retro formal and candid wedding Call l- 5 bedroom house available May 1-504-429-9229 ext. 108-UAI2. and white, selective 96. $195 all inclusive.. Call photos...black _ , . 96-Aug KW v a creative woman Furnished house for Rent. Available Joe at 888-4567 ext 5693 until 5. hand-tinting, by STUDENTWORKSPAINTING is of University Women now for 6 2 After 5 call photographer. Reasonable Rates. for May 1, one year. bedrooms, 742-9562. hiring summer employment. "k Booking now. Call Judy 886-1254. [" I 1 kitchens, 2 bathrooms, living, laun- Looking for highly motivated, hard 1 10 from month - 111 I dry rooms, extras, minutes 4 lease, 4 students, Jan 1 working, skilled individuals to hire ll I For all research and writing . WLU $1500 per month plus utili- April 31'97. Free cable, many your for crew chiefs, painter, and cold edit- ties. 746-7928. close needs.. We offer proofreading, callers in the I 111 J I extras, dishes, BBQ, video, to Waterloo area. yj mJL. / ' n fiction and custom university 886-0672. S- essays, Experience is not required, job pay's drafts available, - quality guaranteed. J House for rent Available Sept 96. 5 well. For more information contact Call Intrinsic Productions, 111 I L bedroom house. Great uptown 5 bedroom house but will rent to anytime, steve at 883-9050 1-800-516-9929. Waterloo location. to 111 I V Parking for 4, 1 groups of 4or 5 people. May May II II I % lease - year $1295/ month. 570-2640 lease. Special Incredible Signing STUDENTS Teach (Conversational 888-7377 Bonus. House is well Call term or kept. English year round, short or 1 I I ,1 lfl/Cll IICU 1 soon as special offer expires at the for summer in Japan, Hong Kong, 1 I J House for - Available 96.5 end of Mark rent Sept May. James or 574- Sinapore, Taiwan, Korea. Up to I bedroom house in Lakeshore 2064 $4500/ month. I 11 quiet or pager 241-2985. Summer Jobs No experience or | /~| | J J area. Garage, parking, huge family Applications are now being accept- qualifications needed. For details 1 room, year lease $1295/ month. 5 bedroom house in Great ed for summer jobs on cruise ships, on living/working conditions and Fri., 12 • Noon- 725-8772 888-7377 close to and resorts. No how April 9pm or Condition, everything, airlines, experience you can apply pick up our free -1 Store, Store, information brochure at the Sat. April 13*9 am pm Grocery Variety Beer necessary. For more Cord office or see — Furnished rent. Forsstu- ——r—: house for Store, Etc. Washer/Dryer (not coin send $2 and a self-addressed or , „—j— http://asiafacts.kingston.net pecia y eec e oo s. dents, 2 bathrooms, rec and Gas to: laundry operated). Heated House, stamped envelope World Wide send a self-addressed stamped 2 Fnday, pm. 10 mins walk rooms, from WLU. Cheap Bills, Very reasonable rent. Travel Club 6021 Young Street, envelope to Asia Facts (WLU), P.O. Excellent condition. Garage and - April. Call Joe 888- Suite 1040 Toronto, Ontario M2M Box 93, ON K7L4V6 At First United Church may Days: Kingston, $1400 permonfl, plus uU- 4567 ex. 5693 or Evenings: 742- 3W2 King and William Sts., Wloo. parMng. & lties. Available Sept 1, call 746-7928 9562. m'k *h' fr I I TS : ■' 11l fflEsli? Pllll *49p ... * I V , #'fl J|p ■ - %$g mm v :" «gff IMa—MMKHM Mlgr aw fM&ffgiaigre fMSS&WMF:-*:-:•:•:•:•:•:•:•:•:•:-rax-ttx-x-x-x I^^^ 'KII1IW" : Hhnffi^^nTMW'Tlß^^Tß^BwWWti^in^^" v:^^^^^M^:>^MS9BßMl^BWEx>«wS^fl^^api^^^^: :^y.-:: ::-.- # »- B J| |r IllMir •' < • . . ..,.-. ;w .•..•:= v^.< --« .. xxxx::.:.::: ;>frx x# . Xv,.-. .. : ::>gg&^^ , ■P 'MflMfik . ■»• ::••:••••:% : £■ Bf 1 - ■■■ Jf y. ?Y} —^.t"1 " I fllllftl&r'': v JSyfP- : ._ a. ™ 'kW%,y \4MM^M?^Ml^m^M:'y6 * MM? v... _ — 22 March 27,1996 theCord NEU STUDENTEN KUNST where I was wearing a pair of Isotoner slippers. Our 38" Sony Trinitron TV hummed 1n the background. Feathers I "I've been lie. don't Without "Franz," a You work for a mil- began, living lionaire, and haven't since the middle last you of summer when I lost my at the It happened Hke this: fortune racetrack." After a brief dramatic silence, Franz "Is that yet spoke. why you took that in the beer The stress was getting to me. Affecting my judgement. Impairing my summer job factory?" stressed. "Yes." ability to think clearly. Clearly. I was "And I snapped at the slightest provocation. My nerves, frayed by stress, why we moved out of the manor and lived 1n the YMCA for a week?" It sudden. "Yes." snapped. I lost my nerve. was would Hke of linden tea?" "And 1s that we returned to alma to "Meln Herr, you a cup why your mater, WLU, complete your screamed. while 1n this hovel "Get off my back, you slug!" I degree, living where I must enter and exit by the fire "What's Herr Anton?" rent?" Franz retreated a step and asked, wrong, escape so as to save on off backl Get off! Get off!" To this I "Yes." "I said, Get my answered, and Franz "Mein Gott!" he his forehead. The scene was one of terror, confusion, potential frivolity. cried, slapping "I had no idea!" the how to react. I rolled around the "It's all I cried. "I'm stood off by window, unsure on true, true," sorry, Franz. You can hate me if absorbed in tremulous back. On want. I couldn't stand lose apartment floor, my fit, slapping my you to your services. But now I can't afford Philip, Rlki Lake paraded a Southern-redneck family who were fatter than you, either way. You're free to walk away after graduation." - And she had ever been even 1n Halrspray. 1f Franz and I weren't preoccu- Music wafted through the floorboards from below and built to a crescen- at do. It pied with my nervous breakdown we would surely be laughing their was Beethoven's Ode To Joy. Franz "I expense. "No," said, emphatically. won't walk away. You rescued me from "Get it Franz. Get it off!" I screamed Hke kilted East and I cannot abandon in off, a hard-bodied, Germany you your time of need. We're one and with breasts. "Don't stand moron!" the and I. We work this - schoolgirl perky just there, same, you can out together equal partners, room- "What?" he cried, fully panicked. "What Is it?" mates even." "Slugs! Slugs all over my back. They're crawling all over me, you No longer bound by the social constraints of master and servant, we Idiot! Get them off me!" embraced, friends at last. Franz did all he could. He kicked and elbowed "Come Franz and punched, my spinal region on," said, lead me down the fire escape. until a calmed me down and forced me to collect We and down the temporary paralysis my skipped tap-danced street, playfully tossing the occa breath. sional snowball. At the corner of King and University Avenue, we ran Into "You can me Franz," I to the Intersection. like stop hitting now, managed whisper. Spinning two whirling dervishes, we simultaneously I'm certain he landed heel shifted one more on my hip, as my body vio- tossed our touques Into the air and sang. "We're gonna...make It...after lently before he acknowledged my command. all !" mein he "Are the DIRECTOR'S "Yes, Herr," panted. 'slugs' gone?" CUT: My first indication of trouble was seeing Franz's monocle I felt in roll a tingling my arms again. by my feet. That and hearing the screeching tires of the pickup truck "You know, Franz, now that I think about It, I may have imagined the that hit him and drove off. "Did the licence siugs." anyone get plate?" I cried out to passersby, as I held "That's too he nodded. "To bad, Herr Anton." think I beat you sensible his limp yet svelte body 1n my arms. nicht." for "Yeah!" someone answered, "It was from Kentucky!" "Not for I the of nothing, Franz," gasped. "I'm on verge another "Franz, Franz," I called. "Mein he blood the epiphany." Herr," gurgled, appearing at corner of his lip, mein Franz "There's rednecks "Look, Herr," tittered, on Rlki!" "Take the papers in my breast pocket." I giggled approvingly. When life seems unmanageable, It's always nice "What 1s it, Franz?" to know there's where far off than and a place people are worse you, they "Herr Anton, forgive me...[cough]...Over the last 20 years of service I don't even know it. have embezzled ludicrous of from These a sum money you...[cough]... papers "God bless Kentucky." will lead you to the Swiss Bank accounts....take the "Amen, mein Herr. And Buffalo." It's million money...[gurgle]... over a dollars...you were always good to STUDIO ENDING: We laughed uproariously until I could stand again. Franz me...[dies]." served me tea with the Tetley-brand tag clearly visible, as we discussed A crane shot slowly ascends upwards, encompassing the accident scene. future. our Ride of the Valkyries plays as credits roll. I started by saying, "I think.we should talk about what we'll be doing FINIS. after graduation. I don't think you'll- enjoy what I have to tell you." Anton Franc Volcansek Franz his adjusted Starter-brand athletic-wear and sat down by my feet Ode to a Dragon Crystal You Sapphire may find your dragon queen - surrounds you in the cave 1n this vast of land expanse o/7e 0/ these dynamic, I V3HBL.* might venture down but do not be disheartened 1f ract,ca, if I can be brave P post-diploma your cup stays full of sand. > enough. Environmental programs will ijW I Your constant search parallels enhance your qualifications You've been there long own Incessant my quest in market! would that today's job I were as strong "ou est le roi perdu? but must come for air - you up (if you're out there I want to see leave the lair. once, you.)" • Environmental Management Michelle Graham • Ecosystem Restoration* I • Environmental Impact 1 o Going home this EASTER?_T~ Assessment* o" • Two Semesters Long (Eight-months) RETURNS • Start in September | Many happy • Location: St. Catharines, Ont. • pending approval from the Ontario Ministry ofEducation & Training ■ Kitchener student return fares to: £ London $20 Peterborough $44 Belleville $53 O "c Toronto $22 Ottawa $87 Sudbury $93 NIAGARA rd Pickups on for n campus Toronto: Mon - Fri: B:3oam/Thurs: spm/Fri: 2pm, 3pm, spm 5 of University Waterloo: B.C. Matthews Hall, William G. Davis Computer Research Centre, COLLEGE 5 \MK/ and Engineering 1 Building (stops on * Ring Road) . O Wilfrid Laurier: at Avenue transit and <* 1 University stops King Street transit stop. y For the L DROP OFFS AVAILABLE. PLEASE SEE SCHEDULE more information, please contact C c Centre for Environmental Training 8 59 Welland Vale Rd., St Catharines, Ont L2R 6V6 £ "TRAVEL CUTS Greyhound (905) 6844315, ext. 2470 •— Student Union 00 Building 886-8228 15 Charles St. W„ Kitchener 741-2600 or fax 684-3167, or E-mail: Surf the (905) [email protected] Web at : http://www.greyhound.ca theCord March 27,1996 23 VoU t \MM / |k « <-. ■oj ; ; -' : ■' ' -. - ;; - ■ ■: *: : ii -~ \ ' :; ■ : V V— ; •# .-V ■ ':}^> : - Health Canada advises that smoking is addictive and causes lung cancer, emphysema and heart disease.