Dear Reader, Life Is Full of Firsts. First Breath
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Dear Reader, Life is full of firsts. First breath; first steps; first words; first day at school. But it’s the emotional firsts that hit you hardest. The first time you fall in love; hold your child in your arms; or say a final goodbye to a loved one. They’re the ones you can’t forget. A Million Dreams is quite a special first for me too in other ways. It’s not my first book – it’s actually my sixth. But it will be the first of my books that will be published in hardback. And to bring it to you I’ve reunited with my first publishers and editor, which makes it feel as if fate has been playing a part in the proceedings. This book is another first for me, because usually during the writing I will develop a fondness for one particular character. But that wasn’t the case with A Million Dreams. I wanted them all to get exactly what they wanted. But, if you’ve read any of my books before, you probably know that good things don’t always happen to my characters. Please don’t think that A Million Dreams is a book full of sadness, because to me it is actually quite the opposite; it’s full of hope and love. But sad things do happen to two amazing women and the story of how they, and the people around them, deal with that had its hooks in me from the very beginning. I hope you get to love Beth and Izzy every bit as much as I did. I hope they call out to you from the pages of the book in the same way they screamed to me from the computer screen. I hope they get into your head and make you wonder what you would do if (heaven forbid) you found yourself if their situation. But most of all I hope they become your friends and that when you reach the end of the book you find yourself missing them every bit as much as I did... and still do. Love Dani xxx Atkins_A MILLION DREAMS_bound proof Prelims.indd 1 09/08/2019 11:55 Dani Atkins is an award-winning novelist. Her 2013 debut Fractured has been translated into sixteen languages and has sold more than half a million copies. Dani is the author of four other bestselling novels, including This Love, which won the Romantic Novel of the Year Award in 2018. Dani lives in a small village in Hertfordshire with her husband, one Siamese cat and a very soppy Border Collie. Follow Dani on twitter @AtkinsDani or get in touch on Facebook at www.facebook.com/daniatkinsauthor Atkins_A MILLION DREAMS_bound proof Prelims.indd 4 09/08/2019 11:55 Atkins_A MILLION DREAMS_bound proof Prelims.indd 5 09/08/2019 11:55 UNCORRECTED MANUSCRIPT Note to reviewers: This is an uncorrected advance reading copy. Please check all citations against a finished copy of the work. This copy is not for sale or resale. First published in the UK in 2019 by Head of Zeus Ltd Copyright © Dani Atkins, 2019 The moral right of Dani Atkins to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act of 1988. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book. This is a work of fiction. All characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. 9 7 5 3 1 2 4 6 8 A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library. ISBN (HB): 9781789546163 ISBN (XTPB): 9781789546170 ISBN (E): 9781789546156 Typeset by Divaddict Publishing Solutions Ltd. Printed and bound in Great Britain by CPI Group (UK) Ltd, Croydon cr0 4yy Head of Zeus Ltd First Floor East 5–8 Hardwick Street London ec1r 4rg www.headofzeus.com Atkins_A MILLION DREAMS_bound proof Prelims.indd 6 09/08/2019 11:55 a million dreams Prologue 10 Years Ago Beth ‘The sooner we begin your treatment, the better the chances for a successful outcome.’ The words that reshaped our future – reshaped everything – were softly spoken. I looked across the desk, beyond the files and X-ray envelopes, at the doctor who was patiently waiting for our world to stop spinning as we absorbed the news. I was gripping Tim’s hand so tightly I was probably crushing bone against cartilage, but my gaze was fixed on the oncologist, whose eyes revealed far more than I think he knew. Behind the rimless glasses, I saw the glimmer of a truth he was not prepared to share with us on that first black day. The chances of success were small. My ability to read faces, to pick up on tiny nuances others failed to see, had always been an asset in my work. On that day, it felt more like a curse. ‘I see from your file that you and your wife don’t have children, Mr Brandon.’ Tim shook his head, and I felt the tremors racking his 1 dani atkins body begin to spread to mine. I was shaking in both body and voice as I answered for him. ‘We’ve only been married for two years. We were planning on waiting a little longer before starting a family.’I looked at the doctor, whose face was beginning to swim behind my tears. ‘I know this is a lot for you to take in, but without wishing to add to the decisions you are now facing, I have to urge you to think about safeguarding and preserving your fertility.’ Perhaps Tim understood instantly what the oncologist was talking about, but I was several pages behind him. ‘There is a strong possibility that your treatment will affect your ability to father a child in the future, so at this point we would recommend you to consider freezing your sperm.’ For one crazy moment I imagined he was talking about doing so at home, where it would sit on the shelf beside the packets of pork chops and Birds Eye peas. It took a few moments for the image to disappear. ‘There are several fertility clinics that we can refer you to. They will be able to explain the various options open to you. These can range from freezing sperm to even freezing embryos, if you should choose.’ ‘Embryos?’ Tim asked, his voice ringing with confusion. ‘It’s one option to consider. There are excellent statistics for successful pregnancies resulting from cryogenically stored embryos. For couples your age and in your situation, it is definitely something worth thinking about.’ *** We had visited a clinic just two days later. Scarcely enough time to consider what we were doing, or why. The 2 a million dreams possibility of Tim facing a life-threatening disease was still so overwhelming to us that everything else seemed like white noise. We’d left the fertility clinic with armloads of pamphlets and advice ringing in our ears. In the end, we had made the decision not because of the success rates, graphs, or testimonials we’d read until late into the night, as though cramming for an exam. We’d made the decision with our hearts. ‘We’ll be making a baby,’ I said, snuggling up against the man I loved and trying not to notice how much thinner he seemed than only a month or so earlier. ‘And then freezing it. We’d quite literally be putting our child – or children – on ice.’ ‘Actually, I think they store them in liquid nitrogen,’ I corrected, a new expert in a field I’d known next to nothing about only a few days earlier. ‘We’d also be putting you through all kinds of invasive procedures unnecessarily. Because there’s nothing wrong with you,’ Tim had said, and it was impossible not to hear the pain and regret in his voice. He was angry. No, more than that, he was furious with his body for failing him so cataclysmically for the first time in all of its thirty years. ‘We don’t know how long it’s going to take you to beat this thing,’ I reasoned, hoping the positivity in my voice was powerful enough to fool him. ‘And it could be years before we’re ready for children. This way we won’t have to worry about whether my fertility has dropped off by the time we’re ready. We’d already have a freeze-dried baby all ready to go.’ ‘Just add water,’ he had joked, pulling me even closer against his bony ribcage. 3 dani atkins ‘Exactly,’ I said, my mouth against his skin, where hopefully he couldn’t feel the trembling of my lips or the dampness on my cheeks from the tears that were falling silently in the darkness of our bedroom. ‘Let’s go for it then,’ he whispered into my hair. ‘Let’s make some babies.’ 4 a million dreams 1 Beth I have a good nose. I don’t mean its shape, which is fairly ordinary and fits in perfectly well with my other features. (My husband, Tim, once claimed that I’m beautiful, which was charmingly biased and also inaccurate.) What I mean about my nose is that my sense of smell is uncommonly acute.