"This war is, I believe, a war for civilization." —Francis Cardinal Spellman

• 1.1%....0.■-•-':.0.7y3 4,10

14'.0'. f.A.- 444

The Parts That Were Left Out of the Kennedy Book

•■••• ■••■••■••■■ An executive in the publishing industry, who obviously must remain anonymous, has nuole available to the Realist The senior Kennedy had predicted that Germany would a photostatic copy of the. original manuscript of William defeat England and he therefore urged President Manchester's book, The Death of a President. Franklin D. Roosevelt to withhold aid. Those passuges which are printed here were marked for Now Johnson found himself fighting pragmatism with deletion months before Harper & Row sold the serialization rights to Look magazine; hence they do not appear even pragmatism. It didn't work; he lost the nomination. in the so-railed "complete" version published by the Ger- Ironically, the vicissitudes of regional bloc voting man magazine, Stern. forced Kennedy into selecting Johnson as his running mate. Jack 'rationalized the practicality of the situation. At the Democratic National Convention in the sum- but Jackie was constitutionally unable to forgive John- mer of 1960 Los Angeles was the scene of a political son. Her attitude toward him always remained one of visitation of the alleged sins of the father upon the son. controlled paroxysm. Lyndon Johnson found himself battling for the presi- dential nomination with a young, handsome, charming It was common knowledge in Washington social cir- and witty adversary, John F. Kennedy. cles that the Chief Executive was something of a ladies' The Texan in his understandable anxiety degenerated man. His staff included a Secret Service agent referred to a strange campaign tactic. He attacked his opponent to by the code name Dentist, whose duties virtually cen- on the grounds that his father, Joseph P. Kennedy, was tered around escorting to and from a rendezvous site— a Nazi sympathizer during the time he was United either in the District of Columbia or while traveling— States ambassador to Great Britain, from 1938 to 1940. the models, actresses and other strikingly attractive females chosen by the President for his not at all infre- quent trysts. (Continued on Page 18)

No. 74

May, 1967

35 Cents

irreverence is our only sacred cow connection between MSNY and the Letter from a Homosexual Committee to Fight the Exclusion, etc. For some time now I have been a We would also like to make it clear to Sir Realist: fan of the Realist. I find it interesting, your readers that, not only did we not stimulating, thought-provoking and, all participate in their leafleting campaign, in all, a great publication. Your analy- but we heartily disapproved of it, be- sis of major and minor events is su- cannot help cause it splits the homosexual com- perb. For these reasons I . munity into pro-war and anti-war fac- Letter from a Rightwinger Realist seems to I occupy a political position which, I but wonder why the tions. am sure, would be anathema to you, i.e., be anti-homosexual—or at the very John L. Timmons, Secretary conservative. But I nevertheless find best, not informed of the work of the Mattachine Society of N.Y. your publication lively, legitimate and Mattachine Society Inc. of New York. Editor's note: Fighting the exclusion For an instance, I found "The Fag interesting. Also I am curious as to why of homosexuals from the armed forces Battalion" [issue #69] to be as ob- you have never realized that the con- would certainly qualify as a civil- servative (particularly the Goldwater- noxious to me as I do "The Committee rights activity; if that form of dis- style) position is basically libertarian, to Fight the Exclusion of Homosexuals from the Armed Forces." We at the crimination is ever remedied, then those anti-establishment and thus closer to homosexuals who don't want to be yours than, for instance, that of the Mattachine are aware of the activities very small group of people, and drafted will no longer be able to ex- institutional socialist. of this ploit their deviation rather than face Karl Hess we have received a great deal of unde- the consequences of conscientious objec- Washington, D.C. served criticism from their activities. tion.

Letter from a Leftwinger Letter from a Heterosexual Your juvenile editorial treatment of I understand that homosexuals held Leo Bernard and the Socialist Workers e nationwide demonstration in protest Party ["Mind Over Martyr," issue of the armed services policy of exclud- #69] is an illuminating example of yel- ing their ranks from military employ. low journalism at its very worst. Con- Wouldn't it be a gas if they composed gratulations, and cancel my subscrip- some sort of fight song,. possibly The tion. Ballad of the Pink Berets. The sick and puerile nature of your Warren Simpson article excludes adult response; never- Dept. of Sociology theless, certain observations must be University of Alabama made. One is that in this issue of . the Realist, you have gone round the bend HEY, HEY, LBJ from merely degenerate to openly re- actionary. All of which leads me to the (Continued from Page 20) conclusion that before "their revolu- The President's neighbors could hard- tion" is accomplished, you will have ly be less congenial to the Park. As far earned a one-line obituary on the com- as they're concerned, Lyndon Johnson ics page—somewhat to the right of is simply using the power of eminent Little Orphan Annie. domain to enlarge the LBJ Ranch And, when another unemployed taxi where the power of dollars has failed. driver enters your office. and confronts The attitude of local landowners is you for being "anti-administration," I would like to use this opportunity neatly expressed by Joe Chapman Jr., will you then know why? to point out that we are not only non- a San Antonio real estate man who W. Blumenthal related groups, but that MSNY vigor- bought his 16-acre parcel across the Montreal, Canada ously disapproves of their stated policy. Pedernales after plans for the Park MSNY is a civil-rights group; noth- had been announced: "If Lyndon John- son craves my land as much as he ap- Letter from a Freethinker ing more, nothing leas. Some of us vig- a goodly orously oppose the war in Vietnam, pears to, I will sell same at a profit to I find myself renewing with whereas others in our group favor it. him or his agents. In my view, this number of qualms. As a reader from Since the goal of this Society, and the park is most peculiar." the very beginning, I think I have the homophile movement, is to procure the Earl W. Sweeney, who raises peaches, right to register a squawk or two. legal rights denied the homosexual by plums and pecans directly opposite the What ever 'happened to the old Paul law and to educate the public in regard Ranch, has led a two-year fight to Krassner? Did you get old and ideo- to homosexuality, we refuse to mix is- make the Commission abandon the logically hidebound? Whatever hap- sues by engaging in foreign policy. Our Park. His suit for an injunction against pened to "freethought criticism and sa- the condemnation proceedings is still tire"? Some of the stuff you've been main goals are difficult .enough to achieve. in the courts. The retired marble dealer, printing lately is just plain repulsive. MSNY is not a social organization; who bought his 70 acres 7 years ago, Any time 1 want to find how glorious has had 53 of his acres condemned. life is in the DDR, all I have to do is nor is its purpose to apologize for ho- mosexuality. We are activists who are Sweeney claims that his land is worth find Radio Berlin International on my $162,440. W. C. Brown, an Austin real short wave set. Any time I want to find convinced that the time for asking to be treated as human beings is past— estate broker representing the trustees out about weird objects inserted in the of the Park, set the value at $46,000. rectum, all I have to do is call up my we are demanding our right to human dignity now. We use the methods of Finally, a board of special commission- favorite proctologist. For that kind of ers split the difference and called it dreck I don't need the Realist. leafleting, picketing and court-action to achieve our goals. $62,000. Let's face it, Paul—we're all getting If you can't find out about the Lyn- a little older. Why not become a little This is the other side of homosexual- ity, the side I would like to see pre- don B. Johnson State Park from the more responsible in your radicalism? the Realist. If nothing more, officer at the main gate, just march I've done it. sented in Earl or Martha we would appreciate a statement in across the road and ask Leo Sirota Sweeney. Baltimore, Md. your pages to the effect that there is no The Realist 2 President's wife as Lady MacBird. Out of that, there developed a play whose only purpose then was to enter- Editorial Giggies tain her fellow demonstrators. She submitted the manuscript to the Realist. I re- jected it because the targets had already been verbally Accept, Evade or Confront? goosed so often in these pages. But when they even- Up Tight With the Draft? is a pamphlet published tually began holding backers' auditions, I decided to by the War Resisters League, 5 Beekman St., New gamble—sight unseen—because so many people who York. N.Y. 10038. Price: 10c; 12 for $1; 100 for $5. don't read this magazine could now be exposed to such Or send them $1 for their Draft Packet, which includes, theatrical irreverence. along with the Up Tight pamphlet, a copy of The Hand- Elsewhere in this issue, Alan Whitney briefly criti- book for C.O.'s (over 100 pages of essential informa- cizes MacBird for indulging in a left-wing version of tion), the SDS pamphlet, and Of Holy Disobedience by McCarthyism. However, the Senator was acting in an the late A. J. Muste. The War Resisters League has official governmental capacity ; the playwright is com- men trained in C.O. counseling in most major cities. municating a private parody. The name and address of the counselor in your area Moreover, Joe McCarthy pretended he had evidence will be supplied on request by their New York office. to back up his anti-Communist obsession; Barbara Garson pretends to have nothing but a literary device, Donald Duck Eats Daisies and any irresponsibility may well dwell solely in the The first free-lance article I ever sold was to Mad mind of the beholder. magazine a dozen years ago. It was illustrated by Certainly the notion that the Johnsons had Kennedy Wally Wood, who is also known to science fiction and killed is not new. And having fun with a notion ought comic book fans. Now Wally has completed the cycle not to be confused with promulgating it. with his after-Disney orgy in the centerfold of this Barbara Garson and I were talking about what we issue. He has also turned publisher on his own with would do if Lyndon ever invited us to the White House. Witzend, which might roughly be termed a "fanzine" I said I would accept it, if only to grasp the oppor- except that it's done by professionals—Frank Frazetta, tunity of confronting his feelings about the photos in Al Williamson, Harvey Kurtzman, Don Martin—so Ramparts of napalmed Vietnamese children. that along with the juvenile and stilted writing, it I asked MacBird's creator how she thought LBJ contains the work of perhaps the best comic artists and would react if he ever met her. She paused a second, illustrators in the world. Price: $1; subscription, $4 then replied: "He'd say, 'How did you for 4 issues., Wallace Wood, Box 882, Ansonia Sta., know?'" New York, N.Y. 10023. Enlarged copies of the Disney- The Realist, Dept. 74 land poster are available from the Realist (see coupon). lox 379. Stuyvesant Ste. New York, N.Y. 10009 Out, Damned Truth Enclosed please find: I was planning not to exploit the Realist by men- ❑ $1 for five extra copies of issue #74 tioning here that I'm the biggest backer of MacBird, ❑ $3 for a 10-issue subscription starting with # but that would be a form of censorship, right? Besides, ❑ $5 for a 20-issue subscription starting with # now that the news has appeared in Variety and Books (Note: for Canadian and foreign subscriptions add $1) and the World Journal Tribune, there are a few things ❑ 75c for Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo I'd like to clear up. ❑ $1 for Nudism Explained and Nudist Fact Finder First, it isn't Realist money that's been invested in ❑ $2 for a copy of Paul Krassner's Impolite Interviews the play; it's my own personal $3,000—savings from (with Alan Watts, Lenny Bruce, Albert Ellis, Henry my income as a contributor to Cavalier and Society Morgan, Jean Shepherd, Jules Feiffer, Hugh Hefner) Editor & columnist for the CIA-subsidized Ramparts ❑ $3 for Vietnam! Vietnam! by Felix Greene (I've never taken a salary from the Realist). ❑ $5 for How to Talk Dirty—Lenny Bruce's autobiography I originally met the author of MacBird, Barbara ❑ $5 for How to Prevent Your Child from Becoming a Garson, when I was involved with the protest scene at Neurotic Adult by Dr. Albert, Ellis Berkeley. In a speech, her tongue slipped and she fell ❑ $6 for Guide to Rational Living by Ellis & Harper on her association: she accidentally referred to the ❑ $5 for Housewife's Handbook on Selective Promiscuity ❑ $10 for the Now Book by Rey Anthony The Realist is published "monthly, except for January and July, by ❑ $1 for a dashboard Saint Realist (our cover mascot) The Realist Assodation, ■ non-profit corporation. ❑ $1 for a red-white-and-blue Fuck Communism poster PAUL KRASSNER, Editor & Ringleader ❑ SHEILA CAMPION, Scapegoat $1 for a blasphemous One Nation Under God cartoon BOB ABEL, Featherbedder ❑ $1 for Putnam's set of 4 empty marijuana seed packets JOHN FRANCIS PUTNAM, Nice Dirty Old Man ❑ $1 for Guindon's invasion-of-privacy phantasmagoria DICK GUINDON, New Left Fielder ❑ $1 for Wally Wood's enlarged Disneyland Orgy DONALD WILEN, Chaplain ❑ ROBERT WOLF, Reformed Idealist $3 for a back-issues binder (will hold 36 Realists) MARSHA SAM RIDGE, Shit-On ❑ $ for back issues at 25c each or all 30 for $7: MARGO ST. JAMES, The Realist Nun 20, 23, 25, 27, 29, 30, 31, 32, 35, 39 Publication office is at Box 379, Stuyvesant Sta., N.Y., N.Y. 10009 41, 42, 43, 47, 48, Telephone: 50, 54, 55, 58, 59 OR 73490 60, 63, 64, Subscription rates: 65, 66, 69, 70, 71, 72,' 73 $3 for 10 issues; $5 for 20 issues Name Canadian or foreign subs: $4 and $6 Copyright 1967 by the Realist Association, Inc. Address Second-class postage paid at New York, N.Y. City State Zip May 1967 3 Nevertheless, I've dutifully attended "We went over great at the Militant each media mass, learning one week all . ROUTE Labor Forum," confided a leader, "but THE CYNIC about the beat-beat-beat of my heart we've never performed before to a stone- - (Continued from Back Cover) and how every one of us is Christ hippy crowd." J. D. Salinger, Arthur Goldberg, the An unpopular favorite went: "Lady If drug revolution seems like a con- girl in the box office — and the next week is a bird/ and Lynda is a bird/ and a tradiction of terms, it would behoove us all about what's happening in my ali- bird is a dove/ and a dove goes c00000 to taste for a moment the notion that mentary canal, baby, and how every one (pronounced coup) / LBJ, what hap- the spreading of joy, as an alternative of us is Buddha—Premier Ky, David pened to you? Peace! Peace! Peace!" to horror, is indeed an act of rebellion, Brinkley, the Pinkerton guard watching Another classic: "Two bits, four bits, less effective than your 19th certainly no over the congregation. six bits, a dollar; all for peace stand up nervous teach-in. But the beautiful thing about the and huller!" True, one man's ecstacy is another League for Spiritual Discovery is that No one stood up and hollered. man's freakout, but as long as the tak- ing of a drug is a voluntary act--coer- the Supreme Court will eventually find After every speaker, the cheerleaders itself faced with the delightful task of cion being immoral, deceit being un- were called out to do a "locomotive." So, deciding what exactly does freedom of for example, after Dr. Benjamin Spock ethical—and as long as all the avenues . . religion mean in America today? spoke, they did: "S! . . S-P! of communication remain open, every Of course, Tim Leary is in cahoots S-P-0! . . . S-P-O-C! . . . S-P-O-C-K! individual has the right to go to Hell in Spock! SPOCK!" Yale chap- his own way. with Ronald Reagan in encouraging . Spock! young people to drop out of college—in lain William Sloane Coffin lamented the Leary's case, as an act of harmony; in wasted lives of American boys in Viet- Editor's Note Reagan's, as an alternative to tuition. nam. When he finished, the SANE may be wondering why issue Still, Leary saw fit to have stapled to a spokesman called out, "Now let's have a You #73 was dated February whereas League press release a roster of guides Coffin locomotive!" listing the number of years each has The showbusinessization of protest this, issue #74, is dated May. Because of a delay, we decided to skip the attended college. has come to this pass: Norman Mailer the Angry Arts petition March and April issues. This will not We take you now to Millbrook, New didn't sign affect your subscription, which is York. A guide ushers in a long line of ("It's not going to stop one V.C. from figured by number of issues rather visitors, one by one. being burned") and Barbra Sti-eisand Martin Garbus: "Dr. Leary, I've been But then she chickened out. Too than by date. did. Now, about that delay. For the first listening to your sermons and I've de- bad, Barbra could've been the Dr. Spock time since the Realist began in 1958, cided to drop out of the legal game. So of Pop. our printer refused to print an issue I won't be handling your case any Even atrocity has become Instant — and other printers subsequently more. ... " Camp. turned down the job — because the Dorothy Ross: "Dr. Leary, I've been A mixed-media presentation featured cover story is so offensive. listening to your sermons and I've de- the live re-enactment of screaming Viet- You think it's fun being a censor? cided to drop out of the public relations namese peasants being tortured to the Try to empathize with the restaurant game. So I won't be booking you for any background of news quotes read aloud Night and Fog, a owner who, when Bobby Kennedy more TV interviews . " and the showing of showed up at a farewell party for William Hitchcock: "Dr. Leary, I've silent testimonial to the effectiveness of N.Y. Post columnist Pete Hamill, been listening to your sermons and I've Nazi genocide. rushed into the men's room and decided to drop out of the landlord game. An actor was in the midst of violently rubbed a graffito off the wall: "Jackie So you and your extended family will slaying a girl portraying a Vietnamese Kennedy is a bad lay." He was afraid, have to leave my property. ... " woman. He stopped, carefully rearrang- of course, that Robby would write Richard Alpert: "Dr. Leary, I've been ing her skirt so her thighs wouldn't underneath: "She is not."' listening to your sermons and I've de- show. Simultaneously, on the screen, When cancelling your subscription, cided to drop out of the psychedelic naked Jewish women were lined up to please be sure to include your zip game. So I won't be lecturing about enter a shower. code. LSD ever again. . . . " A Washington businessman intends to Sitting in the lotus position on stage, open a topless discotheque for GIs In During the past two years, I've taken Alpert talked about his mother dying Vietnam. The Department of Defense's LSD a dozen times, every one a good and how there seemed to be a conspiracy official position is one of helplessness trip. on the part of relatives and hospital per- even though bare-breasted go-go girls "How come I never have any bad sonnel alike to deny her the realization endanger "the moral climate to which trips?" I asked Tim Leary. "God knows of that possibility. He also told about are servicemen are exposed." I've tried." some fellow in a mental institution who Meanwhile, in El Cajon, California, a "You've had them all, Paul." thinks he's Jesus Christ. night club has been headlining the 250- be- He was right. For a dozen years Dick Alpert and I enjoy non-competi- pound topless Vera. fore LSD, I indulged in a kind of un- On the night before Christmas Eve tively upleveling each other. On one oc- compromising introspection, constantly casion, for example, I was particularly there occurred the cross-fertilization of objectifying my motivations until my the psychedelic scene with the protest manic and he pointed this out, choosing unconscious and my conscious were an eggbeater as his metaphor. He was scene. A candle-lit walk up 5th Avenue increasingly one. to express sympathy with suffering in correct; I calmed down. Later I kidded So, for me, LSD is like an ice cream him about having discussed his mother Vietnam culminated at the Palm Gar- soda of the soul. I don't smoke tobacco dens Ballroom in a celebration to ex- openly yet concealing the fact that the or pot or bananas; I don't drink coffee man who thinks he's Christ is his very press love of life everywhere. or alcohol; I don't eat aspirins or tran- The Pageant Players did a morality own brother, death obviously carrying quilizers or amphetamines. One man, more respectability than craziness. I play on our foreign policy in the context one drug. was correct; at the next performance of a laundromat. Ordinarily the troupe actual laundromats However, on the day that Leary an- Alpert identified him. does their thing in nounced the formation of a new religion, after these before dirty clothes-bearers who never There have been parties I wrote him a note asking if I could be League celebrations. In order to get in intended to become an audience, but they their first heretic. were never so apprehensive as now. The Realist 4 boy whose homeliness would transport should seek; we're sending a couple of 9 Lee Harvey Oswald to matinee idol million bucks.up in flame just to destroy status. Next to the photo was this• letter, a crummy little bamboo bridge. (OT 7PgAgii for all passersby to read: The tiny unburned corner that was "I Peter Albert Roy have experienced left, the Digger placed in the hand of an under the drug LSD the total loss of 8-year-old Negro boy, saying: "Here, exterior EGO, and as a beginning I bringbri this home to youru Mommy, mmy, and shall state that I am a total Virgin in ask her about poverty . . . and she'll the physical sense of the word. slap your face." "I am also looking for a sincere girl The kid said, "How can you do a to teach me the fundamentals of sexual stupid thing like that, burning a dollar love, for I have never known the feeling. bill?" I am not Homosexual nor do I wish that The Digger responded, "You have an- any male intervention bother me about other level to go." this matter. There are those who feel that if only "Would somebody please help me?" black people would take LSD they'd stop Below his signature was an address, aspiring to white middle-class values. but his request has yet to be fulfilled. But the desire to avoid rat-bites may Me sometimes thinks the acid com- well transcend white middle-class munity cloth protest its love too much. values. Their newspaper is the Oracle ("We McCall's magazine took a full page are not responsible for our readers' ad in the N.Y. Times. The space was habits"). A memo posted on the bulletin taken up almost entirely by this chal- board in the office announced, "Will the lenge: "How you feel about the 15 words Kooze who 'borrowed' the I Ching from below tells if you're a bigot." Below, in this room please return same! — The much smaller print: "Your 14 year old Management." They interviewed me. daughter's first boyfriend is class presi- Excerpts: dent, intelligent, neatly dressed and Q. You say you don't see LSD as a Negro." The ad reveals McCall's bigotry panacea? in its blatant assumption of white read- you must be on a list held by the Pinker- A. LSD is a catalyst to awareness, so ership. ton guard watching over the door. An what I'm really saying is, I don't see associate of Leary expressed his ambiv- awareness as a panacea. I don't believe In Detroit, Michigan, the Kongo alence: "Suppose someone really gets in the Biblical concept, Ye shall know Kemical Kompany manufactures the turned on spiritually by Tim and wants the truth and the truth shall make ye genuine, improved KKK Hair Straight- to come and share in the afterglow of free, because people have such a fan- ener. But in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, his religious leader, but' he's not on the tastic capacity to rationalize the truth. the Aeroseal Corporation manufactures list?" Q. I was an atheist before I took Instant Pussy, a new spray car wax. Maybe the list could be narrowed LSD. Now I have an understanding of Man, that's transcendentalism. down to two names—Christ and Buddha what is meant by God instead of just The Diggers were spawned by a cur- — then everyone could go. "Hi, I'm putting it down. few that grew out of racially poor un- Jesus, my name's on the invitation list." A. Now wait. I never put God down rest. You had to be indoors if you "Hello there, I'm Buddha, Tim Leary any more than I put Santa Claus down. weren't doing something specific. So told me so." Even the Pinkerton guard Q. Did your atheism change after these courageous kids made food for would be able to join the festivities. LSD in any qualitative way? themselves and ate it in the Golden Gate It's one grand psychedelic soap opera: A. No, no, how could it change? There Did Richard Alpert give LSD to his was a different God I didn't believe in. 4'1 dying mother? Will Timothy Leary have People were very Christian before a fight to the finish with Alpert's Christ ever existed, if He did. People brother? Is God really dead or has He were very humanistic before Humanism merely dropped out? Be sure to turn on Was ever organized. People were very next week. . . . loving before LSD was ever discovered. There is a section of San Francisco I dug defecating before I ever knew it where Haight and Ashbury Streets cross was a Zen thing to do. So, what I'm say- each other like a pair of mind-manifest- ing is, awareness existed before LSD.... ing priests engaging in mutual per- But there is an ecological renaissance. petual genuflection. It's the United While hundreds of thousands of gal- States of Mecca. lons of milk are being dumped daily by There is the new breed of panhandler farmers in 25 states of price-conscious- —a long-haired young boy (what do you ness, a phenomenon known as the Dig- call a male teenybopper?) who asks, gers are feeding each other at no cost. "Mister, can you spare a quarter to Standing in their rented garage, the expand my consciousness?" — and the Free Frame of Reference, I wondered new breed of shoplifter—a non-violent aloud how they feel about charitable Raskolnikov who describes his theft of gestures. A Digger said, "Why don't you a record from the Psychedelic Shop to give us $10 and find out?" someone who turns out to be a co-owner I gave him a $1-bill. of that store (you can't tell the dropouts He held it up, sing-songing: "Paulie from the merchants without a program) gave us a dollar! Paulie gave us a —so the next day the records are sold dollar!" Then he touched it to a candle, from behind the counter. and I watched my dollar burn. We're In the window of the Psychedelic now burning over a billion dollars a "Son, it's about time your mother and Shop, there was a photo of a 24-year-old month to show Vietnam what destiny it I told you — you're adopted!" May 1967 The Quakers offered an $8,000 salary they would've listed his death under Park Panhandle. Not even the National to another Emmett Grogan but they re- "Milestones" and "Transitions" respec- Guard could make them go away. fused his condition that it be given in tively, and let it go at that. In addition But that was a compromise. To stand at once in a lump sum. to requiring employees to stand in the on a street corner—waiting for no one— lobby and listen to the funeral oration A judge who faced yet another Em- Time issued press is the real goal. mett Grogan, charged with operating over loudspeakers, passes: orange tickets for outside the Two principles became implicit in the an opium den, asked: "Isn't there sup- afterbirth of the Diggers: (1) Auton- church and red ones for inside. They posed to be an Oriental present for said, "Henry Luce Funeral.") omy is power. (2) Social activity is an this?" art form. Bob Fass had a Digger claiming to be On the night before New Year's Eve, Eight years ago Gregory Corso was Emmett Grogan on his all-night WBAI- I attended another workshop in ad- enumerating all the things that didn't FM radio program. (Grogan: "Have vanced sensuality conducted by Maxine matter. I asked, "What about poetry" Serett (alias Rey Anthony). Capsule you ever taken LSD?" Fass: "No, but a spontaneity "That doesn't matter, either. When I don't tell anyone, it would ruin my case history: Mr. X had hang-up; if Mrs. X said she liked some- write poetry, it's just a form of mastur- image.") bation." On the Alan Burke show, a chick pre- thing he could never do it again; they "You may be masturbating when you sented herself as Emma Grogan. A fel- got divorced when he ran out of ana- write poetry, but you want other people low Mad Digger chick came out of the tomical parts. to know you're coming." audience and gently skwooshed a gooey The fear of sensuality was evident in A few years later, Corso jerked off a an arrest made because the Psychedelic cream pie in her face. They were ejected The Love Book, poetry play called Standing on a Street Corner. from the studio. Shop was selling And a few years after that, incipient I was given—not sold; given—some by Lenore Kandel. This was a violation on of civil liberties. The trouble with drop- Diggerdorn revised and performed it LSD by a Digger calling himself Em- a street corner, and blew pedestrians' mett Grogan. It was the purest, most ping out is that the kids thought ACLU minds in the process. powerful acid I'd ever had. Once, an is something you smoke. Hustling bruised food that would LSD dealer gave five $100-bills to the Censorship always backfires. At the otherwise be thrown away at 4 o'clock Diggers. They cut them up into tiny City Lights Bookstore, only 35 copies in the morning and peeling a potato for squares and ate the pieces as a com- had been sold during the two weeks the first time in your life at 4 o'clock in munion breakfast. prior to the arrest; 1800 copies after. the afternoon are nothing but extensions a store The Sexual Freedom League invited ' The Trip Without a Ticket is . New Year's Eve Orgy. Na- of theatre in the guise of necessity. in Haight-Ashbury. It has other names: me to their Which helps explain the great tomato Property of the Possessed; The Federal turally, I accepted. It was for couples fight the Diggers had with a bushel of Government; Systemicide. It's theatre only. My date had guests that evening, tomatoes that had been given to them in the free form of a free store run by so we took a cab—the driver gave her a for the purpose of eating, not splatter- Peter Berg. Nobody pays anything ex- rose, which she in turn gave to me— ing. cept the changes they go through. and after we were admitted to the orgy Further escalation leads to the Peter was in a bar and asked the bar- site, she left me there. Theatre of Cruelty. A guy spent $200 to tender what his tab came to. "Two- It was a large theatrical studio, with buy a used station wagon which he gave thirty," was the answer. 150 people free-form dancing in the nude. Behind the closed curtains on the to the Diggers. They killed it. I'm telling "That sounds like the time. What time you they assassinated that car. For it stage there were 15 small mattresses for is it?" those who wished to screw. was a gift. And doesn't the recepient of "Five-ten." a gift have the right to do with it what I sat on a chair, conspicuous because Peter paid the bartender $5.10. I was fully dressed, sniffing my rose like he will? In San Francisco I stayed at the home Your parents' gave you the gift of a voyeuristic pervert. of Margo St. James, a former prosti- As Tim Leary points out, any six life, but do they have the right to tell tute. She's the hip hooker that Lenny you what to do with that gift? They're as a myth. people with a lawyer can start a new Bruce knew only religion, but any four members of the ,left sitting in the audience between the In Chicago, when he was working on tomatoes-donor and the guy who bought he picked a whore Sexual Freedom League can start a new the station wagon, and together they're his autobiography, `circle.' So far there is the Peace Circle, all experiencing the delusions of self- off the street and paid her to read the the Kama Sutra Circle, the Eroticism in sacrifice. That, Mr. Bones, is where manuscript so that he could see her re- the Arts Circle and the Horny Men's actions. But she was, after all, just a it's at. Discussion Circle, which concluded at dumb broad, and before finishing the one meeting that a good place to meet The Diggers are a cross between the first couple of chapters, she said: "Hey, Mad Bomber and Johnny Appleseed, a girls would be the local laundromat. listen, if it's all the same to you, I'd You don't have to be a circle jerk to combination of Lenny Bruce and Mal- rather ball." colm X, the illegitimate offspring re- love horniness, and so on New Year's sulting from the seduction of Mary Margo now owns a nun's costume and Eve, a few independents could be found as Worth by an acidic anarchist. has joined our staff. She is The Realist backstage, playing with themselves Their leader doesn't exist and his Nun. Each month she'll get involved they ogled couples playing with each with some adventure—in uniform—and other. name is Emmett Grogan, a hoax unwit- report her findings in these pages. As tingly played upon you by the under- Ramparts becomes less and less Catho- Out front, some males were being ground press and the establishment frustrated by females who didn't think was tricked into lic, the Realist will fill the void. press. Even Ramparts Ramparts it should be assumed they'd automatic- using the photo of a member of the San When Henry Luce died, the felt extremely mournful because ally have intercourse with their dance Francisco Mime Troupe. staff partners of the moment. I asked one Emmett Grogan is the generic term they thought the word-of-mouth news such girl if this wasn't cockteasing. referred to their office mascot, a monkey for an existential hero of our time. "No, it's okay to hug when you're of the same name. close, but if a guy starts to kiss Norman Mailer talked to one Digger put the Luce obituary on their dancing (Time me or put his tongue in my ear, I tell posing as Emmett Grogan. (Mailer: cover only after learning that News- him not to. Or if he begins to get an "LSD will make everybody pacifists." planned to put it on theirs. If those week erection, then I tell him we'd better stop Grogan: "C'mere, I'll bite your nose periodicals really had a sense of humor, off.") The Realist 6 "What do I say about the Warren Commission? I say the Warren Commission was hasty in its judgment, devious, bigoted, guilty as hell of covering up, and inclined to make serious accusations without considering all the evidence. That's what I'd say; offhand."

Ed I, I Fisher's Page

"It's simple. We use Vietcong tactics. Sneak into some little jerkwater midwest town. Strike a blow against the Establishment. Then simply fade among the population." May 1967 7 "Four million bucks." they hugged each other like mad. He dancing. It's only fair. You have to draw "No; I mean why?" stepped back, saying, "You're so fuck- "Slander. We would never mess up a the line somewhere." ing pretty," and 1, the eavesdropper, At about 11 p.m. a League official an- church like they do in that movie. .. . " stood there crying. Only rarely—maybe Meeting a guru is a nice way to start nounced that somebody was smoking an Candid Camera at its best, or Jeff Weiss illegal substance, and since the orgy, performing in his play, A Funny Walk off the new year. The classic searcher always ends up somewhere in a far-off albeit legal, was particularly vulnerable Home—has staged theatre had as much to a police visit, the smoker was endan- impact on me. cave in mystical India. My guru came gering the other guests and would he A hippy took the microphone and com- to me. I was luxuriating in a sunken Roman bathtub; he was spouting his kindly leave. plained that the Hell's Angels get pub- And three-quarters of the party split. wisdom from the ivory tower of a toilet licity only when they do something bad, seat: Thaddeus Ashby, who got a grant Midnight arrived, but kissing didn't whereas nobody ever tells how they go appear to be part of the anti-tradition. while he was up, from the Sandoz Cor- around giving baskets of food to needy poration, then the main manufacturer I was undressed by this time, and families. A San Francisco Chronicle re- later a girl started stroking my knee. of LSD. porter passed along that news the next He had written about "the spontane- Not knowing quite what to say under day. the circumstances, I said, "You're very One recalls that when Pope Paul ous production of an LSD-like substance neighborly." It was instinctively appro- visited the UN on October 4, 1965, he in the body; say, something like sera- priate. donated a diamond-studded cross and tonin, or a byproduct of adrenalin such At about 2 o'clock in the morning we papal ring—valued at about $150,000— as adrenochrorne, or like tryptamine . went backstage. If sex has become the proceeds of which, when sold at recent experimental work seems to indi- casual, the drug experience is now public auction, were to feed the world's cate that such an LSD-like substance indeed does appear naturally in the treated the way sex once was. You don't hungry. usually take LSD on the first date. The UN negotiated with Parke-Ber- brains of mammals, with higher concen- A couple of weeks previously the Dig- net Galleries to sell these acquisitions tration in primates. . . . "The saints and mystics, such as gers had a street happening to mark the (they drummed up $2.3-million for Rem- Death of the Old Haight and the Birth Aristotle Contemplating the Jesus, were both generously endowed brandt's with LSD-producing brain tissue, pos- of the New Haight, with whistles and Bust o f Homer in 1963). Postponement streamers and lollipops and a funeral after postponement has occurred. Final- sibly located in the pineal body. Lesser procession to celebrate the spiritual de- ly, Parke-Bernet thought this Easter lights were either born with an LSD- parture of the Dollar. To indicate that would be an appropriate time, but as deficiency — or they submitted more time ii more precious than money, a March rolled around they decided the easily to that cultural conditioning motorcycle roared down Haight Street market wasn't good enough. The auction which dries up, discourages, atrophies with a girl standing on the seat behind has been postponed until autumn. or calcifies our natural wellsprings of the driver, \ and on her back was the People can be put on—and they can LSD." message: NOW! also be put off—by Hell's Angels living Now I was asking him about the Police soon heeded this piece of phil- up to their name. Needy families may metaphysical bit. He accused holy men osophical advice by arresting a pair of still be waiting for their baskets of of being dishonest about reincarnation Hell's Angels as insidious marijuana food, but the Angela really did have a by not acknowledging it as allegory: possessors. that we are reborn every day. was hur- brightly-painted bus with the sign, For some odd reason, bail "Free Public Transportation," stopping I went further. Why not every riedly and arbitrarily set at $157. The minute? Why not be reborn every at regular bus stops. Somehow, citizens Why not just one continuing Diggers immediately took up a collec- didn't seize the opportunity to be their second? tion, and hundreds of them marched to non-paying passengers. nowness? the police station. Not that. Hell's Angels are consis- In Los Angeles there is this couple, The goal in New York is that hippies tently anti-money. "We're gonna sue the Vito and Sue. Their 3-year-old son, will have as much concern for the arrest producers of The Wild Angels," one told Godo, fell through a skylight and died. of a Puerto Rican kid, although it must me. That same night they went to a party be noted that when, at a Grand Central "What for?" and danced. When all is here and now, Station be-in, a girl got arrested for is it possible for grief to be too brief? blowing bubbles without a license, the We think it silly of Lurleen Wallace, concept of solidarity dissolved like a who was governor-elect at the time, to sugar cube. have said that there would be no in- On New Year's Day in San Francisco, augural ball when she took office because the Hell's Angels gave a sort of thank- it would be inappropriate as long as you party for and with the Diggers in Alabamians were fighting in Vietnam. Golden Gate Park. While their motor- We're tolerant of the British parents cycles nuzzled each other, Angels wan- who have called for the dismissal of a dered around, smoking pot in order to teacher who asked his science class: "A cover up the odor of the burning incense man is hanging on a rope in a prison sticks they were giving out to other death chamber. The man weighs 168 celebrants. pounds. What is the tension of the Mary Poppins is a Junkie was a rope?" bumper sticker originated by disc jockey We feel no vital tinge of tragedy over Dan Sorkin. Walt Disney threatened to the 25-year-old Spaniard who climbed sue. I had gone on Sorkin's show and up a 20-foot wine vat to take a drink, suggested that he put out another fell in and drowned in 'the wine. bumper sticker, Mary Poppins Is NOT a Can a sense of detachment, then, be Junkie, but he had a better idea: stretched to embrace the loss of your Grumpy Is a Horny Dwarf. own child? When beautiful little Godo Now, standing in the crowd on New was alive, he was always with his par- Year's Day in the Panhandle was a "So I thought it would be nice, Father, ents, and Vito called him "My flower, my lonely-looking dwarf. Suddenly a girl if you would bless the napalm." butterfly." On the evening of the day he rushed up to him—an old friend—and The Realist 8 died, Sue explained his absence to other al budget to subsidize the Vietnam war. I met some of the Los Angeles Provos. party-goers: "Godo couldn't make it The latter fact was reported by Jack Four of them, dressed in suits and ties, tonight." Newfield, a stroke of integrity since he had put a dime in a parking meter and "Experts," Aldous Huxley wrote, is Bobby's approved biographer as well assembled chairs in the parking space "continue to act expertly and to find as his bridge to the New Left. RFK has they'd paid for. They sat there quietly satisfaction in their accomplishment, personally shown his expedient rear for an hour. Mimeographed sheets were even when friends have just been parts to Staughton Lynd and Tom given out with questions, such as: eaten." Haydn and Phil Ochs. "How do you buy time without buying Sue was already pregnant again. If, to the left of Ochs' guitar, stands The Realist Nun decided that her first space?" A busdriver told them they were folksinger Dave van Ronk, saying that double parked. A teenybopper accused project would be to drive me to the air- we should openly declare our support port, where we would neck goodbye— them of wasting time. for the NLF—and if you don't dig their On another occasion, the coin slots of arms, hands, lips, tongues, bodies - terrorism that's tough titty—the radical people couldn't believe their eyes. She parking meters were filled with epoxy end of the psychedelic spectrum refuses glue. gave me a farewell pinch on the right any more even to acknowledge the war. buttock. I responded, "Give my regards And then there were those 4,000 mari- "McNamara hasn't dropped out yet," juana cigarettes planted in books at to Father Berrigan." Nobody would sit pleads Robert Scheer to the acid culture. next to me on the plane. four libraries. In the background we can But he pays taxes and they don't. Sure, hear the Provos singing: "Om coming, In Los Angeles, I stayed at the home it still costs $85,000 to buy one com- of Ed Lange, publisher of several nudist Om coming, for my head is bending mercial TV minute on the Super Bowl high. . . " magazines. Recently he tried to place game. But simultaneously these pockets this ad in the Village Voice : I was scheduled to do a couple of TV of Digger subculture are dropping in all shows. "How About Those Kooky Nudists? over the country: communities based on What's their story? Do they do it for the premise that altruism is the highest With Joe Pyne, it's a package deal, kicks? Or is there some substance in what form of selfishness. you have to do his radio show too. It was they believe? (For that matter, what do And when that Big Depression comes on radio, though, that I learned his they believe?) The answer to these and .. already economists are talking about style. He asked why I was for repeal a host of other questions about one of the first wartime recession in American of the abortion laws. the western world's least underst000d history. "Because I don't think that a woman practices are contained in two compre- The schism is basic. On one hand should have to bear an unwanted child hensive booklets, The Nudist Fact Find- Navajo Indians have committed them- as punishment for accidental concep- er and Nudism Explained. Frankly but selves to aid the Diggers in land recla- tion." tastefully illustrated, both deal candidly mation. On the other hand Navajos have "Do you edit your magazine because and forthrightly with the philosophy contracted to aid the General Dynamics you were an unwanted child?" which has given birth to a whole new Corporation in the development of tac- "No, Daddy.. . . " approach to living for literally hundreds tical weapons for use in U.S. Navy. I'm still waiting for non-exploitative of thousands of otherwise perfectly or- vessels. That company recently won a doctors to commit civil disobedience; dinary people." multi-million dollar Defense Depart- I'm still waiting for an abortion ship to There were tiny %-inch photos of the ment bid for the Standard missile. be launched; I'm still waiting for an booklets' covers. The Voice's advertising Los Angeles, site of the famous tour- island of humanity. Readers are invited manager replied: "I am returning the ist atti'action, Generation Gap, bounded to contribute to a fund to pay for abor- enclosed ad, as it is not acceptable in its on one side by a mountain range with a tions on teenage girls who were raped; present form. We may give considera- giant profile of Lolita sculpted into the send your tax-deductible donations to ation to running the ad without the rock, and on the other by Art Linklet- Parents Aid Society Inc., 130 Main St., 'benefit' of the illustrations." (The ter's retirement ranch, Last Stop, where Hempstead, N.Y. booklets are available from the Realist.) guests are busy compiling a book, Sjnior The Realist is organizing a rape-in. The Voice has a double standard for Citizens Say the Darndest Things. We plan to have volunteers sexually editorial and advertising matter. Here's assault the wives of all those legislators another ad they wouldn't accept: who vote against the abortion reform "A Memo from Paul Krassner: I bill. Our purpose: mass impregnation. don't mean to boast, but it's quite pos- Then let them lobby it out with their sible that on the opening night of husbands. "Don't give me that murder MacBird I personally made theatrical bullshit, you schmuck, just get me a history. When the play was over and good doctor!" the actors had taken their curtain calls I taped the radio show in the Capitol and Barbara Garson had curtsied her Records building. This was the day that response to the bravos, I stood up and Jack Ruby died (everybody sing Goody shouted: 'Fuck you, Walter Kerr!' Now by Ruby Tuesday) and Capitol was ex- that isn't exactly the sort of behavior ploiting the event by pre-releasing their one expects from the biggest backer of 1.p. on the Kennedy assassination, fea- a production, but my generic outburst turing an interview with Ruby in the to the critics was really a statement of hospital. faith in the audience. The reviews will be irrelevant." The family had received $5,000 for this exclusive dialogue, but brother Earl The Voice accepted: "Darn you, wasn't satisfied with it. Sa producer Walter Kerr!" Larry Schiller switched tapes—he had- It's a significant barometer that the n't even seen Blow-Up yet—and gave line which gets the biggest reaction in him a blank tape, which he destroyed. MacBird is when Bobby Kennedy says, Earl Ruby did consent to speak to "I basically agree with both positions." "It was a truck that just went by. reporter Bernie Gavzer, who filed his In real life he both comes out against story with this lead: "Jack Ruby, fully the bombing and (along with Senator They said: 'Show me your lark, fella!'—so I did." aware he's dying of cancer, pleaded to- Fulbright) votes for LBJ's supplement- day for a lie detector to prove to history May 1967 9 1 around, and it's on a mass medium. Virgin that the dog had already been that he was not involved in any con- Sahl wants to have a mock trial on his cleared by the ticket-taker. After lunch a big man with a small spiracy to kill Lee Harvey Oswald." program as a preview of the Vietnam That's a fundamental philosophical War Crimes Tribunal, and he asked me walkie-talkie approached us with the know you're dying, choice of putting the dog in the Disney- situation—when you to return and act as defense attorney. you spout the truth, right?--only Asso- defend John- land kennel or leaving the place alto- He actually expects me to gether. My friend explained how this ciated Press changed the phrase to son, Rusk and McNamara. I agreed to "Jack Ruby, in his dying days. . " exception to their rule had been ar- do it. My plan is to plead insanity. ranged two weeks ago, and he asked to I signed the agreement that "I shall Once, in my class at the Free School, have no claim (against Joe Pyne et al) speak to the chief of security. the subject of the Tribunal came up. I for compensation or for defamation, "I'm the chief of security." libel, slander, violation of privacy, or suggested that Donald Duncan, the ex- Green Beret, would be a logical U.S. "Just the man I want to see." otherwise. . . " Incidentally, I should mention that the He began on TV by calling the Realist representative. The students said things like "No, he's too identified with the canine in question was not a seeing-eye a filthy, avant garde, left wing rag, and Establishment," and "No, he would only dog. It wasn't even a German Shepherd. then he asked: "Why do you feel com- represent the Administration point of There was no metal brace for the owner pelled to print the most obscene words view." to hold onto, just a rotten, knotted in the English language every month?" leather leash. And the dog was a blood- you feel compelled to under- It finally came out that they'd mis- "Why do understood what I'd said. For 10 shot-eyed Basset Hound that kept line a few words in a magazine that minutes we had been quasi-seriously stumbling all over the ground because contains 20-or-30,000 words?" it had to pee and was searching for a The game is to put him on the de- discussing the possibility of whether America's action in Vietnam constitut- spot where a dog had previously peed, fensive. but no dog has ever peed in Disneyland. "Does your magazine cater to homo- ing a crime against humanity should he Especially not Pluto. decided by Donald Duck. Okay, if we had to leave, weren't we sexuals?" My trip to the West Coast culminated "Why Joe, did you find something that entitled to a full refund? Yes, we were. with getting kicked out of Disneyland. appeals to you?" I went with three friends, one a So, while the others waited at the gate, The studio audience doesn't care who lawyer whose dog jumped into the car I was escorted to a building called City wins, the Christians or the lions, as long as we were leaving his home. Dogs Hall. Inside, a woman was requesting that her lost child be paged over the as there's action. aren't allowed in Disneyland. In fact, loudspeaker, but she was refused be- Pyne opened up issue #64 and said, male humans with long hair or beards "Well, this caught my eye here, you cause it wasn't an emergency. or other stereotypical beatnik accoutre- I didn't wish this man to think that I printed a cartoon about a homosexual ments aren't allowed in. act." The Beatles wouldn't be permitted to wanted him only for his money, so I hetero- asked if there had been any special cere- "Joe, that's fantastic, it's a enter Disneyland—unless they were per- sexual act." mony when Walt Disney died. forming there. Jesus Christ wouldn't be "No, we kept the park open. We felt The cartoon depicts a man sitting at permitted to enter Disneyland—unless that Mr. Disney would have wanted it a huge desk, speaking on the telephone: he was performing there. "I'm very sorry, but we of the FBI are (In the lobby of St. Patrick's Cath- that way." "Well, wasn't there any official recog- powerless to act in a case of oral-genital dral there are exactly 17 signs in the nition of his passing?" intimacy unless it has in some way ob- lobby warning: "Do Not Enter Unless structed interstate commerce." Pyne "We did fly the flag at half-mast for Properly Dressed for Church." Jesus the rest of the month." wouldn't read the caption out loud. Christ wouldn't be allowed in even if He And Disney stock rose one point the performing there. "Look it up in the dictionary," he said. were day after his death and continued to "Look it up in the Kinsey report." We bluffed our way into Disneyland a ticket-taker that the ascend. The Studio earns about $100- Remember, the viewing audience had by convincing million a year now, and even though his no idea what this Ambiguous Act was. manager had given us permission earlier God is dead, Mickey Mouse will live on. Their collective imagination was being on the telephone inasme ti as the dog the Where. does the psychedelic revolution strained beyond belief. was needed to guide my 'end with Nye mtinued fit in? "You're bluffing," he said. impaired eyesight. Insi The East Village Other sent a memo "You're bluffing." sneyland to fake it, explaining to advertising agencies asking: "Do you Obviously Joe Pyne has never shared want to reach the thousands who influ- the pleasure of oral-genital intimacy ence the 'tastemakers'? A dynamic new with his wife. media exists. . . . Ours is an influential The other TV program was the Mort audience. It is a buying audience that is Sahl show, which had been dealing out- first to respond. Local advertisers have spokenly with contemporary contro- found it to he an effective selling media. versies, so when the option wasn't re- Ask yourself, 'Who's hip?' Then ask, newed ostensibly because of a low rat- 'Do I want to reach them?' If you do, ing, there was much suspicion. But Sahl our media will serve your needs. Try had a nightly radio show and asked his us!" listeners to write in to KTTV. By the In that utopia where LSD will be time 31,000 letters arrived, they had legal, then, perhaps we can expect to conveniently discovered another rating see a series of ads guaranteeing the service and the option was renewed. consumer a better trip than that pro- Of course Mort has gone crazy—he vided by the competitor's product or has a blackboard on which he has writ- your money cheerfully burned. ten things in chalk like "We Demand Meanwhile, the Pageant Players will Faith in the Future," and the audience -S. GROSS continue to perform their morality play, applauds faithfully—but if you search and sooner or later they're going to con- among the megalomaniacal weeds you'll "No, my child, this is not a magic front the Horny Men's Discussion Circle find growing some of the funniest, most wand. I just lit a fart." looking for girls at a laundromat. incisive socio-political commentary The Realist 10 ward bringing discredit upon them en masse when they are formally seated at the next opening session. Modest Proposals • $238,000 to MPO Productions, Inc. to make a dirty by John Francis Putnam movie about William Randolph Hearst and Marion Davies for showing to Dominican freedom fighters as an infiltration course morale-building film. Top Secret Budget for CIA Expenditures • $3,000,000 in small bills for use in CIA's own • $35,000 disbursed to the Topps Bubble Gum Corp. training program. This money ,(in singles, 5's and 10's) of Brooklyn for research and development of their toy will be used to teach our agents how to start a fire series of Monster "Flying Things" model airplane when no kindling wood or newspaper is available. gliders, as part of a nationwide subliminal flight-apti- • $456,098 for disbursement to Widows and Depen- tude program of pre-conditioning for U-2 pilots. dents Pension Pool for cases of Mistaken Identity Cas- • $10,000-a-year pension disbursed to Amos "X"—a ualties connected with the Class C Routine Assassina- 76-year-old Negro composer now living in semi-retire- tion Program. ment, still chained to the same piano he was first shack- • 85c for sun pictures and secret ink. led to back in 1913. Pension is awarded to him in honor • $230 to the Herbert Berghof School of Dramatic of the many patriotic songs he's written, including God Art to train six operatives to become doubles of Chet Bless America. Helms and Ken Kesey. • $2,000,000 final installment payment for the Brit- • $23 to Chet Helms and Ken Kesey. ish Navy. The CIA has been secretly buying up the • $3,000,000 bribe to the Prefect of the Congrega- British Navy and destroying it so that it would not fall tion of Sacred Rites of the Supreme Roman Rota at into Communist hands. When the need arises for the the Vatican to include the name of Lenny Bruce in the British government to "show the flag," the CIA bor- 1968 Calendar of Saints. rows a frigate from the land-locked navy of Ghana. • $1,000,000 Persuasion Fund to convince the New • $23.86 to Commentary magazine to encourage York City Police Department to re-establish the Vice them to restore linguistic lapses such as, for example, Squad and rescind Mayor Lindsay's ban on entrapment the substitution of "Jew's Harp" for the current "Jaw of homosexuals in public toilets. Harp." • $4,500 to Norman Rockwell to paint a likeness of • 25c payment from out of special funds, to defray Cardinal Spellman to be placed on all rubber prophy- costs of Pennsylvania Station coin-in-slot locker storage lactics distributed to Catholic servicemen. of last remaining copies of Fuck You/A Magazine of • $24.65 to Dave's Candy Store & Luncheonette to the Arts. encourage a richer mix in the egg creams. • $40 for a custom-tailored radioactive garter belt for Miss Gloria Steinem. Purpose of this item is highly Will the Transfer System Go to Pot? classified. An unimpeachable source (a close friend who was • $2 for a set of insulators for the above. actually there) informs us that the Atomic Energy • $700 for purchase of novelty shop "Poo Cushions" Commission's top executives ride around in Cadillac to be placed on every chair occupied by United Nations limousines which were actually confiscated from under- delegates from Iron Curtain countries with a view to- world figures who had run afoul of the tax system. This, he tells me, is standard governmental practice: take it from the Bad Guys and give it to the Good Guys. Now, tell me, what is happening to all the beautiful marijuana that gets confiscated every year by the fed- eral narco squad? I hear it goes up in smoke—via government incinerators. Why not apply the transfer system already set up with the Cadillacs? I can see the pot being used to turn on the Peace Corps (they're frustrated enough, God knows, trying to explain our foreign policy all over the world). Or it could be burned in special braziers and the smoke fed into the air-conditioning vents at the Pentagon and at. the Strategic Air Command war room. A good healthy cloud of Acapulco Gold might not do the Presidential office .suite any harm, either. Send This Boy to Camp What with the art season about to swing into full bloom, and what with happenings all over. we would like to suggest the following as a new art form: a spe- cial exhibit at the Castelli Galleries of two dozen nude teenyboppers and Chelsea-type girls upon whose fair flesh various ardent practitioners of the hitherto pri- vate art have applied "hickies." A beautiful Hickies Exhibit—neck hickies, thigh hickies, below-the-ear-hickies—all that passion and de- votion to art can allow. "Hold still, honey. we want this one to really stone 'em . . there . . and it's raspberry The Realist Nun Reads to a Trio of Eager Novitiates red too!" May 1967 11

El L96 I ADIN Zi

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■ IMplal■mW101111.1M10■1■1110.100MMINIPMO 1110111 1•1” it was easy to see' that millions were at stake in re- claiming old duffel bags. Advice to the Veteran-Lorn To make it easier for the Defense Department to process in an orderly manner these patriotic contribu- by Marvin Kitman tions towards reducing the arms budget in fiscal 1966- 67, my idea was that all ex-GIs should return their surplus equipment on one day, April 15. But my plan While policing up the area in the attic of my house in seemed to have one flaw. Leonia, New Jersey, pursuant to my wife's orders for a All the vets I talked to were afraid to get involved pre-spring clean-up, I recently found my old Army with the Pentagon. The military is famous for mis- duffel bag. takes. Somebody who suddenly turned up with a fully It was filled with the 60 pounds of national defense packed duffel bag might find himself being shipped by materiel all ex-Gls are required to sign out for in trip- McNamara's computers to Vietnam. Since it was my licate before they are allowed to come marching home idea, my buddies suggested that I volunteer to turn in from peace. Essentials of war like: trousers; fatigues, my duffel bag first. khaki; boots, combat, leather; shorts, under, cotton. They were being silly. With all his new efficiency As soldiers in the inactive reserve we're under orders measures and sound business procedures, the newspa- to hold on to the government property in case we're pers were saying, Secretary McNamara had revolution- suddenly called back to fight for democracy. What puz- ized the way the military did things. Still it wouldn't zled me is that I had completed my military obligations hurt to alert the nation's largestans group in case in 1961, yet the government still hadn't picked up its something went wrong. property. "We can't assign you legal counsel just because you I called some of my old Army buddies and discovered say you're a poor veteran," said an official of the Ameri- that they, too, unknowingly had been stockpiling na- can Legion's New York County Welfare Committee. tional defense materiel. "What crime do you think you've committed? "How would you like to get involved in this Vietnam "What if the computers accuse me of illegally pos- protest thing?" I asked. sessing government property the last six years?" "I get it," one vet said. "We burn our duffel bags?" "They've probably forgotten about your duffel bag," This was no time for politics, I explained. What was he said. wrong with Vietnam was not the waste of lives over "Theie weren't any loose ends when McNamara was there, but the waste of taxpayers' money. Just the other running the Ford Motor Company," I explained, "and day our president asked for a 6% surtax to pay for the it isn't like him to forget anything now in his fight to war. Funds alloted to buy new equipment could be bet- reduce costs and improve efficiency in the military es- ter used to increase, say, veterans' benefits. tablishment. I might be walking into a booby trap. I'm no von Clausewitz, but there didn't seem to be What should I do?" any military reason why our troops couldn't fight in old He suggested I wear the uniforms in parades. clothes, as long as they were clean. War is supposed to The principles of following the chain of command be hell. had been drilled into me as an enlisted man. So I de- There was some evidence that old clothes might even cided to begin turning in my duffel bag at the Pentagon. help the war effort in Vietnam. In the early days of the I worked out a secret code with my wife. If she re- war—when the Pentagon was supplying the boys old ceived the message "CALL MY CONGRESSMAN" it meant equipment—we were winning the war. Every time a GI that I was in trouble. And then I boarded a crowded was spotted wearing a Sam Browne belt or riding a train for Washington. A man gave me his seat because World War I mule, a top Pentagon official would call a I was carrying a duffel bag. press conference. On the afternoon I approached the nerve center of "The war is going well and will succeed," Secretary the military-industrial complex of America thousands of Defense McNamara said on January 31, 1963. of civilians, officers, non-commissioned officers and Com- "The corner has definitely been turned towards a vic- munist spies were walking in and out of the doors. I tory in South Vietnam," explained Assistant Secretary followed after them, saluting the officers. of Defense Arthur Sylvester on May 8, 1963. At the front desk, I asked a receptionist, "Who am I But now that the corner has been turned, after spend- supposed to talk to about duffel bags?" ing billions for new clothes and other frills, we seem "Did you lose one?" she asked without looking up. to have discovered a dead end sign. Victory statements "No, I found one." have fallen off sharply. "Did it have an address on it?" Even if American mothers objected to the economy I pulled rank on the receptionist "Just direct me to measure, the Pentagon could sell the old clothes on the the Escalator." world arms market. There's always a big demand for Reaching Secretary McNamara's office on the second fatigues, especially in Cuba. floor, I dropped the duffel bag off in a corner, saluted How much in savings was I talking about here? smartly, and said, "Greetings." Curious myself, I threw my old duffel bag into the back His aide asked, "Who wants to see the Secretary of of my station wagon and drove to an Army-Navy store Defense?" to have it appraised. "US51284531," I said. At Weiss & Mahoney's of New York City, I found "US512—what?" asked the WAC corporal on duty. that the dozens of national defense materiel in my "US51284531, sir," I apologized. "He'll remember me. duffel bag would cost almost $200 at today's market Everybody says he has a mind like a computer." prices. Using the latest cost accounting methods now in "What is the nature of your business with the Secre- favor at the Pentagon-1,000,000 duffel bags x 4200 tary?" 14 The Realist 'O

"I'm really sorry about the delay in returning his of the Army's office. Even though I was dressed in property. I won't let it happen again." mufti, there was something about my manner which She didn't seem to be familiar with my case. So I commanded respect. suggested that I wait for the Secretary, who was out "By order of the Secretary of Defense's office," I at a Congressional hearing. Never having been so close sounded off loud and clear, "Kitman, Marvin, PFC to the center of the power structure, a man who has (Bet.) requests permission to drop off his bag, duffel President Johnson's ear, I gave his aide some of my here, sir." theories about what was wrong with the war in Viet- The WAC on duty at the Army Secretary's front desk nam. slapped shut the copy of Silver Screen she was reading "We have to start escalating on the home front," I camouflaged behind the Army Infantry Journal. explained. "First, all Vietnamese-Americans should be She leaped to attention. rounded up and shipped to internment camps in Cali- Trying to relax her, I said, "At ease." fornia. There may be a little trouble recognizing friend- While she phoned to ask if the Secretary could sign ly South-Vietnamese-Americans from North-Vietna- for my duffel bag, like any veteran I began swapping mese-Americans since they all look alike. All Vietna- war stories. namese-Americans ,should be interned, regardless of "I was drafted right after President Eisenhower was their minor political differences. What this country elected," I reminisced. "At the Fort Dix Reception Cen- needs next is press censorship. The newspapers have ter I said, 'I will go to Korea with Ike—providing I been guilty of giving the American people the impres- can come home with him.' You know how the Army is, sion that the administration knows what it is doing in they never give you what you ask for. They sent me to Vietnam. As a result our people aren't worried enough the Brooklyn Army Base instead. That's one of the in- about the war. Then the government should condemn stallations the Pentagon phased out in the last economy hoarders.. . ." wave. Maybe I should have left the duffel bag there so "What's going on here?" an officer asked. I jumped you could have picked it up with your other stuff. ..." to attention. "Do you think the Defense Secretary has She finally told me to report to. the Adjutant Gen- time to handle duffel bags personally?" he asked. eral's Office where I should have been sent in the first "That's the Secretary of the Army's job." place. I swung the duffel bag on my shoulder and double- Where would the Army be without orders, I thought timed down the Pentagon's corridors to the Secretary as I slow-marched along, feeling more and more like the unknown soldier. There's got to be discipline. Soft-Core Pornography of the "EM do not report here," explained a civilian in the Month AG office, "when they're called back to active duty." I turned a shade 33 (green) while I explained the misundertanding. Then I turned red with anger: "If you don't take your property off my hands, I'm going to report this whole place to the White House!" That wasn't an idle boast. During the last presiden- tial campaign, I was at a rally on New York's 7th Avenue when President Johnson said, "Yuh-all come and see me some time." I know that all 200,000 of us would still be welcome. My threat was effective. The civilian ordered me to bring the duffel bag to where it should have been in the first place, the Deputy Chief of Staff for Logistics. Having once read there were 27,000 employees at the Pentagon, all of whom might be required to order me around under Secretary McNamara's new sound man- agement system, I decided to speed up the process by using an automation device. dropped into the next phone booth in the corridor and called the Pentagon. The executive officer at Deputy Chief of Staff for Logistics referred me to the people at Inventory Con- trol Branch, "It sounds to me like they should have picked up that property six years ago," said a civilian at that branch. "If you have any trouble getting dis- position action, tell them you spoke to the Pentagon about this." I obediently told that to the proper authorities at Supply Management Division. "We handle rockets, tanks and machine guns," she said. "Is that what you found in your attic?" When the operator accidentally cut off my call to the Lost and Found Division, I began to understand why the Edsel was such a successful-car when the Defense Secretary was in the automobile business. I did an about-face and went back to the Secretary Pedophilia in the Reader's Digest of the Army's office for an amended set of orders. A May 1967 15 new WAC on duty said, "No sweat, just follow me." whose firm had charged the government on a cost plus She marched me to the Army Secretary's Administra- 415% rate. tive Supply Group and gave the Section Chief orders to The Department of Army employees said I had bet- take care of the duffel bag. "What do you expect us to ter talk to the Pentagon about that. do with that?" he asked, as soon as the WAC left the "Nuts," I said, quoting General Anthony Clement room. McAuliffe's reply to the Germans' request that he sur- "I'm sure you still have some men in the Army with sender at the Battle of the Bulge on December 22, 1944. •my sizes. Just give me a receipt." "I would rather explain it to Internal Revenue Service He dialed most of the numbers in the Pentagon's agents when I deduct the charges from my 1967 in- classified phone book for 30 minutes. Then he reported come tax." back: "They say this isn't government property any I still think every ex-GI should return his duffel bag more. It belongs to you." on April 15. But I'd recommend you send it by parcel post or Railway Express—collect. "My old supply sergeant didn't say he was giving me a going-away present," I said coldly. "What he said was, 'If you don't bring this government property back ...... _....., properly maintained, it will be your ass.' " The civil service worker lowered his voice. "Keep it. Reporter at Small Why, I still have my old duffel bag from World War II, by Robert Wolf and I've never gotten into trouble." "A lot of people cheat on their income tax," I cried, [ •■•••■~10 "but that doesn't make it right. I don't believe in khaki- The Passover Plot collar crime." In one corner of an erotic art exhibit—"Hetero Is"— Three of his assistants quickly grabbed my duffel bag at the Nycata Gallery, there was a contribution from and pushed me onto an Army bus in the Pentagon base- Joyce Greller (who put together New York Unexpur- ment, For some reason, I had the feeling the Pentagon gated under the pseudonym Petronius). was trying to get rid of me because somebody in top Surrounded by collages of nudist photos clipped-and- management had slipped up in figuring out what to do pasted to form pornographicky poses and Rorschach with the millions of duffel bags the government had blow-ups of playing-card fellatio, hers was an open been issuing since World War II. steamer trunk which might have belonged to a prosti- I couldn't get off the bus until it stopped in North tute. Inside were garish underthings, rhinestone jewel- Post, Fort Meyer, Virginia. ry, sequined dresses, wigs, glittery shoes and cosmetics. "Where are you going with that duffel bag, soldier?" Pasted under the lid were pictures which might have barked two Army civilian employees in dungarees. belonged to the whore—photos of herself, a man, cock- "To the House Armed Forces Committee," I explain- tail napkins, theatre ticket stubs, a colored card of ed. "I've uncovered millions of dollars of waste, in- Jesus and Mary. effiency and corruption. Wait till Representative Gross Soon after the gallery opened, a man who had quickly of Iowa hears about this. Do you have a phone in here?" passed over the other exhibits, paused before the trunk, They grabbed at my duffel bag. "It's mine," I said, suddenly yelled—"He doesn't belong here!"—snatched quoting the Secretary of the Army's Administrative the picture of Jesus, threw a $5 bill on the reception Supply Group. "I need it for evidence at the House table and ran out. hearing." The commotion brought two MPs on the run. They The Unlearning Process wanted to know if the civilians had finally caught the The Summerhill Society sponsored a symposium on thieves. the successes and failures of experimental schools in "Just turning in my old equipment," I said cheerfully. N.Y. State. 'George Dennison of the demised First "No sweat," I added, watching the civilians begin the Street School told of an experience he'd had with a traditional final shakedown inspection. Puerto Rican boy who had come to New York at the age "Three shoes, oxford, brown," the foreman called out of 6 knowing how to read Spanish. "After 5 years in while hia assistant checked the items off an Individual the city schools he couldn't read English or Spanish." Clothing Record (DA Form 10-195). "Seven socks, wool, cushion sole. . . . Four pegs, tent, wood... ." Copping In "My only regret is that I have but one duffel bag to Chafed Elbows is a film about a guy who marries his give to my country," I said, when the sentimental mo- mother (they're then eligible for welfare), becomes a ment was all over "Now, where is the paymaster?" painting, is mistaken for a cop, etc. The credits include, I explained to the two authorities that in the inter- "Special Hindrances: NYC Police Dept." ests of sound accounting procedures the Defense De- The dialogue calls for St. Peter to call his boss a partment should have picked up its property by the end necrophiliac; the Virgin Mary is played a la Marlene of fiscal year 1961. By not doing so, the Defense Secre- Deitrich ("Just call me Mary, big boy" and "Tell Charl- tary in effect had been using my attic in Leonia, New ton Heston I'm waiting for him") ; and there's a rock Jersey, as a storage depot. number titled Black Leather Negligee. I had returned the duffel bag out of patriotism, but Writer-producer-director-promoter Bob Downey hired while I was at it I was also entitled to storage fees. pregnant chicks to picket the premiere with outraged Many other patriotic Americans had profited from signs. Sample: Incest Isn't Funny! One placard desig- running a stockpile of items needed for national de- nated the girls as members of a local chapter of The fense. I mentioned the names of people like former Sec- Unwed Mothers of America. "Act like you're knocked retary of the Treasury George Magoffin Humphrey, up and pissed off," Downey coached them. 16 The Realist A Negro man was incensed because there were no legible questions. One note was so long he had difficulty Negro girls on the picket line. rending it "psychically," let alone cogently answering In the movie, a detective is called "an interpreter of all the parts. The pronunciation of certain names gave the law." An actual officer—Captain Fink by actual him great trouble too. name—arrived on the scene and insisted that the "I sense," he said to one man whose note lay open searchlight be turned off while he checked headquarters under his nose, "that you are thinking of numbers." about its permit. Standing in the lobby using the phone, "There are numbers in my note." he noticed coffee and cookies being sold. "You know," "Well, how would I know what's in your note?" he said, "you'll have to have a restaurant license to do that." Mr. Jones Is Happening Too While waiting for the return call from headquarters, The lecture at the Cooper Union Forum was present- he stepped inside to watch the film. He especially en- ed by Allan Kaprow, art history professor at the State joyed the scene where a doctor who's about to perform University of N.Y., former painter and father of the a hysterectomy on the hero is told. "You have to have a word happening in 1959. "The only reason I don't sue license for that." the people who appropriated it," he said, "is because Scatological Symptoms they seem to be enjoying themselves." An anthropology professor confessed to a group of Descriptions of the art/life form have ranged from 50 single parents at the Ethical Culture Society that "When the spermatazoa enters the ovum that's a hap- his wife is constipated for 3 days every time his mother pening" to "The Vietnam war is a happening gone out comes to visit. "My kids say I have anal-retentive ten- of control." Kaprow pointed out that "A person who dencies, too," he admitted. "I keep putting the cap back declines to participate in a happening often is indirectly on the toothpaste." participating." A woman asked, "Is a Billy Graham sermon or a Birds of Dogmatism prison riot a happening?" The N.Y. School for Marxist Studies is the only "According to Marxist thinking," said a man, "there's school where historian Herbert Aptheker ever taught. only one happening, which is oriented toward the revo- They billed him as "one of the most influential con- lution." temporary commentators on political events," showed "What are the standards," asked another, "which we their latent pessimism by not providing a hall to seat can keep in mind to help us decide whether we're enjoy- more than 75, then showed their overt greed by packing ing a happening?" the hall, at $1 per, with 115 persons. Although Aptheker has written and lectured on Department of Tit for Tat Negro history for 30 years (he's white), only 5 Negroes A letter to the Long Island Press from a reader iden- showed up for the talk. He read a few sentences from tified only as #71513 took issue with that newspaper's report of the bombing of a car at a obscure publications to prove that Marxism is in a SANE meeting. revival—"I can taste it." He said he'd like to see the "In the name of the Minutemen," he wrote, "I would draft law changed to apply to men 45-60. "Then I'd be like to disclaim any connection with the so-called bomb- able to go to prison." ing. If it had been done by any one of us, the car He suggested that more outsiders should be invited would have been totally demolished, and we therefore to the lecture series. A man in the audience asked, resent the implication that we were responsible for this "What would be healthy about inviting Jesuits, capital- bungled bombing. Also, we would not at the same time ists and the middle class for a dialogue?" decorate the area with Minuteman stickers to advertise "Not out of benevolence but out of necessity," was his our presence at the scene. I doubt if anyone but a reply. "The Communist Party has grown a great deal moron would fall for this poor attempt to smear our lately, and most new members now are not Jewish, not organization." by a long shot-3 out of 4 are Catholic." Meanwhile, the Minutemen were revealed to have distributed a leaflet themselves—ostensibly signed by Extra Sensory Charlatan a Negro civil rights group—urging rape of white "We don't know much about him," said an official of women. the All Souls Unitarian Church. "We just rented the hall to a Christian Metaphysical Chapel." There's no Avoiding Suspicion such listing in the Manhattan phone book; nor for Rev. A junkie I know, hooked on terpine hydrate, was Warren Mason Smith, who mentioned before an ESP aware that druggists and doctors often recommend this demonstration that he ministers at the First Universal opium derivative for stomach cramps in children. In Spiritualist Church in Manhattan (there's no listing order to look like he wasn't buying it for himself, he'd for that either). always order a can of talcum powder or baby oil when- The N.Y. Times once called him a "warlock." ever he attempted to score. Some 300 persons attended his performance, at $1 per, mostly well-powdered old ladies, details of whose Short Takes lives Rev. Smith revealed—the kind of details that can • The U.S. Committee to Aid the NLF included this be overheard in a conversation or collected in simple promise in an ad for films from Vietnam: "See Ameri- research. The first 3 women to whom he gave 'messages' can aircraft be shot down!" said they'd attended his demonstrations before. • A draft conference in Chicago entitled "We Won't A blindfolded 'reading' of folded billets—questions Go" drew 500 students, but only 32 signed a pledge not written on paper earlier—followed. Rev. Smith had to to go if called. have the billets (a) unfolded, (b) under his nose and • The American Civil Liberties Union requires loyalty (c) right -side up. Also he preferred the shorter. more oaths from staff members. May 1967 17

to a difference between being the First Lady and being THE KENNEDY BOOK Elizabeth Taylor?" (Continued from Cover) Even after she became First Widow, the movie ma- "Get me that," he had said of a certain former Dallas gazines wouldn't—or couldn't—leave her alone. Prob- beauty contest winner when plans for the tour were first ably the most bizarre invasion of her privacy occurred being discussed. That particular aspect of the itinerary in Photoplay, which asked the question, "Too Soon for was changed, of course, when Mrs. Kennedy decided to Love?" — then proceeded to print a coupon that read- accompany her husband. ers were requested to answer and send in. They had She was aware of his philandering, but would cover a multiple choice: Should Jackie (1) Devote her life up her dismay by joking, "It runs in the family." The exclusively to her children and the memory of her hus- story had gotten back to her about the late Marilyn band? (2) Begin to date — privately or publicly — and Monroe using the telephone in her Hollywood bathroom eventually remarry? (3) Marry right away? to make a long-distance call to New York Post film- Mrs. Kennedy fumed. "Why don't they give them gossip columnist Sidney Skolsky. "Sid, you won't be- some more decisions to make for me? Some real ones. lieve this," she had whispered, "but the Attorney Gen- Should I live in occasional sin? Should I use a dia- eral of our country is waiting for me in my bed this phragm or the pill? Should I keep it in the medicine very minute—I just had to tell you." cabinet or the bureau drawer?" But she would never Ce.P.1.01 lose her dignity in public; she had too deep a faith in It is difficult to ascertain where on the continuum of her own image. Lyndon Johnson's personality innocent boorishness ends Cr4ifif and deliberate sadism begins. To have summoned then- American newspapers seem to have a schizophrenic Secretary of the Treasury Douglas Dillon for a con- approach to American leaders. They want to expose ference wherein he, the new President, sat defecating their human frailties and they don't want to expose as he spoke, might charitably be an example of the their human frailties. Gore Vidal was on a television former; but to challenge under the same circumstances program in London, and he explained why Jacqueline Senator J. William Fulbright for his opposition to Kennedy will never relate to Lyndon Johnson. During Administration policy in Vietnam is considered by that tense journey from Dallas to Washington after insiders to be a frightening instance of the latter. the assassination, she inadvertently walked in on him The more Jacqueline Kennedy has tried to erase the as he was standing over the casket of his predecessor crudeness of her husba,nd's successor from conscious- and chuckling. This disclosure was the talk of London ness, the more it has impinged on her memories and but not a word was mentioned here. reinforced her resentment. "It's beyond style," she Of course, President Johnson is often given to in- would confide to friends. "Jack had style, but this is appropriate response — witness the puzzled timing of beyond style." his smiles when he speaks of grave matters — but we Capitol Hill reporters have observed the logical ex- must also assume that Mrs. Kennedy had been trauma- tension of Mr. Johnson boasting about his six-o'clock-in- tized that day and her perception was likely to have the-morning forays with Lady Bird to his bursts of been colored by the tragedy. This state of shock must phallic exhibitionism, whether in the swimming pool or have underlain an incident on Air Force One which , the lavatory. Apropos of this tendency, Drew Pearson's this writer conceives to be delirium, but which Mrs. assistant, Jack Anderson, has remarked: "When Lyndon Kennedy insists she actually saw. "I'm telling you this announces there's going to be a joint session of Con- for the historical records," she said, "so that people a gress, everybody cringes." hundred years from now will know what I had to go through." See She corroborated Gore Vidal's story, continuing: It is true that Mrs. Kennedy withstood the pressures "That man was crouching over the corpse, no longer of publicized scandal, ranging from the woman who chuckling but breathing hard and moving his body picketed the White House carrying a blown-up photo- rhythmically. At first I thought he must be perform- graph supposedly of Jack Kennedy sneaking away from ing some mysterious symbolic rite he'd learned from the home of her press secretary, Pamela Turnure, to the Mexicans or Indians as a boy. And then I realized - Blauvelt Family Genealogy which claimed on page 884, there is only one way to say this — he was literally under Eleventh Generation, that one Durie Malcom had fucking my husband in the throat. In the bullet wound "married, third, John F. Kennedy, son of Joseph P. in the front of his throat. He reached a climax and Kennedy, one time Ambassador to England." dismounted. I froze. The next thing I remember, he But it was the personal infidelities that gnawed away was being sworn in as the new President." at her—as indeed they would gnaw away at any wife [Handwritten marginal notes: 1. Check with Rankin who is shaped by this culture—until finally Jackie left — did secret autopsy show semen in throat wound? in exasperation. Her father-in-law offered her one mil- 2. Is this simply necrophilia or was LBJ trying to lion dollars to reconcile. She came back not for the change entry wound into exit wound by enlarging?) money but rather because she sincerely believed that The glaze lifted from Jacqueline Kennedy's eyes. "I the nation needed Jack Kennedy and she didn't want don't believe that Lyndon Johnson had anything to do to bear the burden of losing enough public favor to with a conspiracy, but I do know this — Jack taught forestall winning the Presidency. me about the nuances of power — if he were miracu- Consequently she was destined to bear a quite differ- lously to come back to life and suddenly appear in front ent burden—with great ambivalence—the paradox of of him, the first thing Johnson would do now is kill fame. She enjoyed playing her role to the hilt, but com- him." She smiled sardonically, adding, "Unless Bobby plained, "Can't they get it into their heads that there's beat him to it." 18 The Realist

F. • • vemp•m. ..1111M11■1, Why did the White House stick by the lower figure? 775 acres is hardly an imposing spread for-this part of the Hey, Hey, LW—How Many country, let alone an extravagant one. Why not give a tourist a straight an- Cattle Did You Run Today? swer to an innocent question? Why lie? The officer isn't asked to lie about the number of ranches the President has— there a covey of malefactors could be by Craig Korpel er, the he is told simply to keep his mouth plotting the overthrow of . . . shut on the subject. Sam Rayburn once credibility gap begins at home. The subversion of . of .. • told reporters, "Hell—Lyndon's place Home is a sparkling silent white Just exactly what? Excepting the lo- all. It's just a size of isn't really a ranch at rambling ranch house on the North cation of LBJ's bedroom and the little old farm." This is the image John- bank of the lazy Pedernales River, set his bodyguard, why are those "items son would like to keep before the pub- among oaks and pecans on a Kodacolor- you do not reveal" not to be revealed? lic—the President likes to keep close to green lawn. From across the river, it Are they, like the body count of our the land, but please: not too much looks very much like power does in side after a skirmish in Vietnam, mat- land. Well, 450• acres or 775 acres, the 1967: so close you feel you're looking at ters of "national security"? Or are LBJ is still just a little old farm, but it through binoculars, perched bigger they tessera in a mosaic of official se- Johnson is far from being a little old than life on the shore of a foreshort- crecy and mendacity that is coming to farmer. ened river, and if you forgot what it have more to do with shame and sheer was and who you were for a moment In addition to the LBJ Ranch, John- deviousness than with security? son, through the family-owned LBJ and started to make for it, to touch it When does Machiavellian mendacity and see if it were really as pristine, as Company (later changed to Texas give way to pathological mendacity? Broadcasting Company) owns enough crystalline as it seemed to proclaim it- You have to go beyond the lies about self, they'd be all over you quick as you ranches with enough acreage to make the number of our casualties because him a certifiable Big Daddy. These in- could say Jack Rubenstein, and you'd the impulse to fib in such a case, though find out that the little Pedernales is clude the Haywood Ranch, also known really very wide indeed. as the Clear Creek Ranch (4,661 acres) So instead you walk over to the toy- and the Nicholson Ranch (2,784 acres) soldier guardhouse and try to engage near the bend in the Colorado River the earabiftero in some small talk. recently renamed Lake Lyndon B. John- "How many folk the President have son by the state of Texas (one of Big working this place?" No comment. Daddy's neighbors on the other side of the lake told Dick Dudman, a reporter "How much land the President have?" Post-Dispatch, "Just Just over 450 acres. "That all? I for the St. Louis thought it was more." That's all. between us, I think it was a little bit "What kind of cattle do they have premature. They should have waited here?" Registered Herefords. "How until he died"). many?" Couldn't help you on that. Johnson and his business partner and "Had much noise about that LBJ Park trustee, A. W. Moursund, have subdi- across the road?" Wouldn't know. vided portions of both ranches and have "Sorry about that." What you say? been offering lots for sale in these "Never mind." Shrug. "prestige locations," as they are de- The officer is neither stupid nor act- scribed in commercials on Johnson's W,6 ing stupid. He is under explicit orders Austin television outlet. Arthur Krim— from the head of the White House se- law partner of Louis Nizer, president curity detail at the Ranch, a Secret of 'United Artists, chairman of the Service officer named Braker, not to Photo by Kingsley C. Fairbridge Finance Committee of the Democratic reveal certain items of information. National Committee and former chair- The citizens of this country employ mean, is grounded in sanity. You have man of the New York mosque of the Officer Braker, charge him with respon- to go beyond lies like that so you wait President's Club—is conspicuous among sibility for the physical safety of Lyn- until you're reading the December 25, the purchasers. Presumably the touch under- 1966 New York Times and you see don Baines Johnson. This he is being put on other Democratic fat a takes to secure by promulgating the where Johnson has rebuilt his father's cats. following order [see photo inset]: holdings to the point where he now has Other phantom LBJ Ranches include "Items you do not reveal. 775 of the original 950 acres of what the Lewis Ranch near Johnson City The location of the Presidents bed room. is now called the LBJ Ranch. 775 acres. (831 acres) the Clear Green and Gran- How many employees work at the You pull out the photograph you ite Ranches, known together as the Ranch. copped of the memorandum in the Scharnorst place, in Blanco County How many Special Officers are as- guardhouse and sure enough, there it (1,728 acres), and the Three Spring signed. is: "The Ranch contains just over 450 Ranch, also in Blanco (467 acres). Last How many Ranches the President has. acres." Maybe the memorandum is out- but not least, we have 1,381 acres abut- dated—it was composed April 4, 1966. ting the northern boundary of the LBJ Do not volunteer any information about said: "After Mr. But the Times Ranch, bought in 1965 from (don't ask) the Dana, Martin or Jordan places. the original 244 acres How many cattle the President runs. Johnson bought Johnson neighbors Dana, Martin and Do not get into any discussion what so from Mrs. Martin. . . . In 1956 the Jordan. ever, on issues related to the pro- broadcasting company bought another Kind of makes the question of wheth- posed State Park along Ranch Rd. 1." 150 acres of the original property. . . . er the LBJ Ranch per ac comprises If the number of ranches Johnson In 1966 the corporation . . added 370 450 acres or 775 acres academic, don't has ever fell into the wrong hands, acres at a cost of $78,406. . . On No- it? Just a little old farm. don't you see, if the number of cattle he vember 23, 1965, the Texas Broadcast- ing Company acquired another 36 acres The President's up-tightness about "runs" were ever to become known to, how many ranches he does or does not well, shall we say hostile parties, could for the ranch." That made it 775 in 1965. own came to light as the White House Mr. Braker rest easy? Knowing as he reacted to a story by Charles W. Bailey did that at any moment, somewhere out Not 450 in 1966. 19 May 1967 I ! I

of Cowles papers which appeared in the the atomic bomb. Somewhere between opaque packages to capitalize On what Minneapolis Tribtine and the Des April 4, 1966 and the news conference Kogut called the "element of surprise." Moines Register on July 15, 1965. following Johnson's operation last fall, Johnson, thus surprised, acted to make Bailey .pegged Johnson's total landhold- this figure, like the sketch which was sure that any souvenirs sold as "LBJ logs at 14,000 acres, much of it, he instrumental in convicting Greenglass' Rocks" in an "LBJ Information Center" said, acquired since he assumed the sister and brother-in-law, Ethel and would be authentically Rocks as well Presidency. Julius Rosenberg, was declassified. Pre- as authentically LBJ. In addition, Bailey related, "Presi- sumably the secrecy of the number of Johnson doesn't want to have to see dent Johnson or representatives of con- cattle on the LBJ Ranch, like that of signs advertising the rocks from his cerns in which he holds a major inter- the sketch, is no longer vital to our bedroom window, though, and so he had est are reported by knowledgeable ob- national security. The cat is finally out A. W. Moursund—who is, convenience servers to be actively bargaining for of the bag. of conveniences, one of the three mem- the purchase of additional ranchland "Don't hold me to it." LBJ told the bers of the Texas Parks and Wildlife that might total as much as 26,000 nation, "but it's somewhere around Commission—arrange to have the strip a. acres." 100." of land on the other side of Ranch The New York Times tried to give Then there's that embarrassing Park Road 1 acquired for a park. For some A. W. Moursund a ring at his one- on Ranch Road 1. The proposed 265- reason, it was decided that the park 1 story, windowless office in Johnson City, acre Lyndon B. Johnson State Park ought to be built with private funds— but Moursund never did get back to the will front a mile along the road, across anonymous contributions from individ- reporter. The next day, Billy Don Moy- the Pedernales from the Ranch. Its uals and corporations. era told the Times that neither LBJ, purpose is to stop the development of In June 1966, Sen. James S. Bates, Lady Bird, Lynda or Luci had pur- the land opposite the Ranch as a strip chairman of the Texas Senate General chased or leased any land themselves, of self-styled "LBJ Information Cen- Investigations Committee, had received and that the LBJ Co. had leased—not ters," praline-peach-pecan-candy-film- a number of complaints that members purchased—some five or six thousand postcard-and-souvenir parlors, Testi- of the Commission were "using the acres for grazing purposes. Freeze Drive-Ins and other gewgaws. name and prestige of the President of Moyers said that under the condi- Not that Johnson is anti-tourist, or the U.S. to 'blackjack' contributions." tions of the trust, Mr. Johnson is not even anti-souvenir. Indeed, he author- One man whose business is under the informed of any action of the LBJ Co. izes a ranch employee to collect rocks jurisdiction of the Commission—it con- Maybe that's why Officer Braker in- from a dry creek hed on the property trpls such industries as salt-water fish- structed the main gate not to tell any- and sell them to Joseph Croft of John- ing and the dredging of shells, a widely body how many ranches the President son City, a funeral parlor operator whose business was suffering because used paving material in the state—re- owns—maybe the President hasn't the ported to Bates that he had given slightest. After all, if he did know, we the City's 611 inhabitants weren't kick- ing off fast enough, who had recently $25,000 after having been approached might expect the White House to be by two members of the Commission. true to form and report the "ranch opened, reportedly with Johnson's bless- Bates asked the Commission for an count" as light to moderate. ing, Croft's VX Ranch Curios LBJ In- formation Center. audit of the fund and for the names of At any rate, while Moyers was min- the donors, but the Commission refused. isterially truthful, as far as he went, Croft sells the rocks for 35 cents each. Johnson apparently authorized They cited a decision by the state's at- he didn't go far enough to refute torney general that since no tax money Bailey. Now that he has vaulted the the arrangement when he learned that a pair of Austin sharpies was selling is involved, no details need be given out. credibility gap and is safely ensconced Bates then turned to Gov. John B. in an LBJ-proof office in Garden City, dried calf-manure chips as "LBJ Land Chips" [see issue #66]. "We don't Connally and "attempted to impress" New York, he might explain his an- him with the "seriousness of the com- swer this way: Said the first family claim they actually come from the President's ranch," demurred Reuben plaints." The 42-year-old lawyer, a t- neither leased nor purchased land strong supporter of Johnson in '60 and themselves; said the LBJ Co. had Kogut of the Austin Souvenir Co. "That's why we say they are from the '64, halted his efforts short of a full- leased five or six thousand acres. scale investigation of the Commission, Didn't say that the LBJ Co. hadn't 'LBJ Land.'" The manure chips were sold in during which he would have the power purchased any land. to subpoena the fund's records. LBJ Co. or Texas Broadcasting Com- "I will state for the record," Bates pany had, according to the Times of told the Times on October 15, 1966, December 26, 1966, purchased two par- "that presures have already been cels from the time the President took brought to bear to the end that this in- office to July 16, 1965: 370 acres added vestigation will not be completed. to LBJ Ranch at a cost of $78,406, and There are various political pressures 2 acres purchased from neighbor Har- that can be brought. The first three vey Jordan for the model of LBJ birth- persons who called me about this thing place at an undisclosed price, for a to- asked me where my bank loans were." tal of 372 acres. One can only speculate as to who his So Bailey had overstated the scale of three callers were, but Bates probably Johnson's purchases during his Presi- ought to consider himself lucky that dential tenure. But nevertheless, there they didn't ask him for a $25,000 con- were purchases. Why couldn't Moyers tribution while they were at it. admit them? Maybe that's why he's in Subsequently, Gov, Connally came Garden City. Bailey's contention that around by himself — apparently he 26,000 acres would soon - be added didn't have any loans outstanding—and seems not to have worked out. To date, ordered the names of contributors made a total of 2,239 acres have been pur- public when the final accounting of the chased in Johnson's behalf since he as- fund is made public. This will, unfor- sumed the Presidency. Press leak: In a symbolic gesture of tunately, be small comfort to the do- The number of cattle the President news management, LIU shows NBC nors, who have been strong-armed out runs apparently falls in the same cate- White Iluuse correspondent Ray Scher- of more than $200,000 to date. gory us David Grcenglass' sketch of er the old pump at his birthplace. (Continued on Page 2) 20 The Realist customers the satisfaction of breaking the law greatly enhance their profits. Co-Existing Various investigators have indicated that 50% of the profits of illegal gambling—our biggest illicit industry by Saul Heller —winds up in the pockets of politicians, police and other government representatives. Unsurprisingly enough, syndicate racketeers evince little enthusiasm Tranquilizing Effects of Law Violation for giving Uncle Sam in his official capacity a further In a touching encomium, Senator Allen J. Ellender big slice of their take. Their income tax evasions make (Dem., La.)'praised President Johnson for devoting so the tax burdens of citizens in legitimate rackets con- little attention in his State of the Union Message to siderably heavier. civil rights. Ellender noted, manifesting pleasure and If state or city governments ran illegal gambling, on arithmetic competence, that Johnson had used only 40 the other hand, giving the Federal government its fair words in discussing the subject. share of the booty, taxes could be greatly reduced. Huge "This no doubt made the nation rest easier," Senator sums would flow into depleted treasuries, graft would Ellender commented. "I believe," he added, "that the be greatly diminished, and local governments would ac- nation is seeking a degree of peace and tranquility quire the financial base to deal with problems they have which we have not enjoyed in the recent past." long neglected. Perhaps the tranquilizing effects of abstaining from Local governments might also take over the narcotics attempts to enforce laws other than those pertaining to traffic as well, as the 18-year-old ruler of the Lower civil rights is also worth some study. The big problem Yafa Sultanate, a tiny Arab state, recently did, to give is, of course, deciding how much law enforcement is his subjects good quality narcotics at reasonable prices, compatible with the nation's peace of mind. Once this (Inhabitants of this British protectorate chew kat, a has been worked out, we should have a basis for deter- narcotic herb.) mining when to enforce laws that is considerably more The inconsistency, irony or outrageousness of the predictable than the haphazard one in current use. government engaging in activities it has declared illegal should trouble no one who is untroubled at the identical The Need for Official Crime situation that exists now: FBI agents, for example, practice burglary; Congressmen violate laws they have In these days when obedience to the law is unsophisti- set up regulating campaign expenditures. cated, impractical or downright dangerous, and govern- Once we recognize that government officials and poli- ment and citizens compete in fracturing its remnants, ticians have no legal or moral right to hog money de- standards for rating a particular administration be- rived from criminal enterprises, city and state govern- come increasingly difficult to set up. Possibly a useful ments should begin making financial progress. standard might be one that rates the degree of respon- Outcries from conventional moralists shouldn't trou- sibility with which a government violates its laws. ble us—they A superior administration, according to this stand- don't at any other times. Morality doesn't impede the flow of vast ard, is currently functioning in the state of Rajasthan, sums of illicitly-acquired cash into the private bank accounts of government repre- India. The local government here violates the national sentatives now. All that our proposal would do is divert prohibition law, a recent article in the New York Times the immoral flow from illicit terminations where it reports, but it does so in the interests of the people. The local government, it seems, decided to get into the serves no socially useful purpose, to other illicit termi- illegal liquor business several years ago, to prevent less nals where it does. needy law violators from usurping the total take. Organized crime is AmeriCa's biggest business. A Concern over hard-drinking citizens, and respect for serious student of white collar crime might be inclined to say, it is America's the law it violates, prompted the local government to only business. How thoughtless gradually reduce the alcoholic content of its cheaper of us—the non-criminals and minor criminals of Amer- line of liquor. This is not so different from the practice ica—to nourish and subsidize it without getting any of the profits. of the less ethical type of bootlegger in "dry" counties of the United States. The motive, however, was loftier —the idea was to get citizens to consume less alcohol. Our Coming Friendship with China Capitalists who wonder what will become of them State revenues from the illicit liquor operation have if we lose our cold, hot or luke-warm war been so good, however, that officials have decided to against Rus- sian Communism and commissars swarm over the land stop tampering with the product, possibly to avoid spreading destruction and socialism, need worry no diverting customers to less moral lawbreakers who give fuller measure. longer. A safe haven exists in Communist China. Here is food for thought for civic-minded people in A study of Communist China's industrial system, this country—one reason, perhaps, why the published in a recent issue of the Harvard Business Times fea- Review, tured an item so eminently unnewsworthy in other re- reveals that there were 300,000 capitalists in spects. Instead of letting government officials muscle in that country as of last June. This is a number compar- sub-rosa on the profits of illegal enterprises, why not able to the masses of capitalists toiling in this country. Capitalists constructively employed exploiting the pro- set up the state or city government as the major illicit entrepreneur, and let the proceeds of lawbreaking flow letariat in a big segment of our economy—manufactur- into its official coffers? ing—totaled 186,000 at the last count. (According to the 1966 edition of the Statistical This is better than making criminal enterprises legal, Abstract of the United States, then letting the state run them. Businesses that give there were 186,000 pro- prietors and firm members of manufacturing plants May 1967 21 Americans are fighting in Vietnam. You don't have to with 20 or more employees in the U.S. during 1958, the last year for which such combined statistics are avail- be Russian to run into this difficulty. Americans have long had trouble figuring out why big able.) Without going into the intricacies of counting heads old Uncle Sam busies himself beating the bejesus out in other capitalist sectors, one thing is clear: China is of small Vietnamese peasants with rather dubious Com- in the same league as the United States as far as the munist credentials (according to pro-Western sources, no more than 30% of the Viet Cong is Communist), promotion of capitalism is concerned. Chinese capitalists are not ersatz concoctions. They while Cuban Communists are permitted to run their are, in the ways that count most, reasonable facsimiles own affairs as if they had a right to do so, East Euro- of the American species. They receive not only the same pean Communists are given financial assistance, and salaries they drew under the regime of Chiang Kai- Russian Communists are urged not to be so stand-offish. shek, but also 5r; interest on the value of their invested No major country of the world seems to understand capital. One factory manager cited in the study, for in- what Uncle Sam is up to either, jqdging from their re- tad stance, in addition to his regular monthly salary, pock- fusal to give Uncle a hand, and the unkind words they eted an annual interest payment of $32,000. Even in use about him. Communist China, this is not chop suey. Maybe Uncle Sam himself doesn't really know, but is The situation certainly calls for a thorough overhaul afraid to stop because people will wonder why he start- of our cliches regarding China. A China that is hos- ed in the first place. pitable to capitalists can hardly be called a menace to Egypt's Women Move Up capitalism. It might, with much greater validity, be The right to make life hateful for his wife—one of called a spur to it. Semantic accuracy will no longer China, although it may the long-cherished privileges of the Egyptian husband permit us to talk of Communist —has been taken from him. A wife will now be able allegedly Communist China. be permissible to refer to to walk out on a husband she finds detestable, without When we consider the fact that something like 24 out finding herself on the wrong side of the law or the right of 25 new products developed in the United States fail side of a policeman determined to bring her back. Wall Street Journal), to make money. (according to the This rise in status for women is expected to be fol- and mull over other hazards of free enterprise as prac- lowed by others. Since Egyptian women have the right ticed in this country, it may occur to us that capitalists to vote (another recent development), they may be un- probably take fewer chances and thrive better under the grateful enough to cast deciding votes against polyg- Chinese capitalist system then they do under our own. amy, once more expanding women's rights by reducing As a matter of fact, U.S. capitalists have very little men's. use for free enterprise; 'the ubiquity of anti-trust law Polygamy is no longer as respectable as it once was, violations attests to that. "Practically all large corpora- in any case, although one government form still leaves tions engage in illegal restraint of trade," says Dr. space for a man to list four wives (the legal maximum) "When .. . business Sutherland in White Collar Crime. as well as twelve children. An Egyptian man with only leaders, through corporate activities, violate the anti- one wife and twelve children—or worse yet, one wife trust law, they are violating the moral sentiments of and six children—must feel considerable shame at leav- practically all sections of the American public except ing so many vacancies on the form—evidence of his the socialists." A system like that of the Chinese, which meager uxoriousness and lack of virility. permits capitalism and eliminates free competition, Next step for Egyptian women interested in getting would be just what U.S. capitalists dream about. more equality for women, and less for men, is to do A major economic crisis would probably be needed away with this suggestive form. Husbands are more before U.S. capitalists could persuade the public to give likely to remain true to one, two or three wives if they the Chinese system a chance. If the U.S. ever plunges are not permitted to brood over job forms listing four. into another '29-type depression—and a recession seems It shouldn't be too difficult for women to deprive men to be threatening us right now, according to many econ- of their polygamous privilege, or at least reduce its omists—we might profitably toy with the notion of try- expansiveness. Relatively few Egyptian men—at least ing out Chinese capitalism here in order to put U.S. in urban areas—have four wives, in spite of the techni- capitalism back on its feet. • cal appeal of such a pentagonal arrangement. While the It is not inconceivable that China and the U.S. may, possibility exists—in theory—that four wives can do in the not-too-distant future, recognize the similarities household chores much better than one, one wife and in their ways of thinking. They may even exert joint a give her one maid are no doubt less expensive to maintain than pressure on Soviet Russia, to make Russia four wives and no maid—assuming four modern wives capitalists an equitable share of the Communist pie- could be found who would agree to do without a maid. i.e., a much greater share than the workers get. If Egyptian women press their quest for civil rights, In any case, people with fixed ideas about communism in bed and elsewhere, they may aspire to ultimate in the current world have no place in the U.S. establish- equality—equality in filling the country's highest politi- ment. Some day, perhaps, an enlightened President, cal posts. With a woman running Egypt, as Cleopatra acknowledging the facts and facing up to their implica- did in ancient times, and once proud Arabs tolerating tions. will put a stop to all talk of a holy war against such feminine leadership, who knows what other earth- China—land of our capitalist brothers. shaking changes may become acceptable? Egyptian men What Russians Can't Figure Out might even become humble enough, or hen-pecked A Minnesota professor who has been touring the enough, to consent to making peace with the Israelis. Soviet Union with a group of American students says Maybe the best investment the Israeli CIA can make ' that Russian students find it hard to understand why is to subsidize Egypt's feminist movement. 22 The Realist wooded section of Staten Island, one of Death is edited, making a buck, on the most smog-ridden areas of New somebody's funeral is routine proced- No, Virginia York City). ure. What made the ad even less edify- One has only to consider the case of ing, though, was the fatuous copy, by Alan Whitney Andy Warhol. It is commonly conceded, which began with a painful excursion ti even in such redoubts of inverted Phil- into astrojargon and went on to say istinism as the East Village, that his that the deceased had the "almost sissy Age of Miracles Dept. artistic endeavors amount precisely to names of Virgil and Edward and From the New York Times: shit. Yet his image, as measured by Roger...." "Moscow, Dec. 26—Luna 13, the lat- sympathetic ejaculation of printer's I had never thought of the names est Soviet research station on the moon, ink, is very strong indeed. quite that way. Virgil Trucks pitched attempted today to drive a rod into the Again, those who read the TV sec- two no-hitters for Detroit. Edward moon's surface. . . ." tions of the newspapers will be aware (Whitey) Ford has performed valiant- I've heard it suggested for years in that the periodic releases of ratings of ly for the Yankees and Roger Maria the most urgent terms, but I never the shows are generally given bigger broke Babe Ruth's home run record. thought I'd live to see the day when play than reviews of the same pro- Roger Young was one of the great in- somebody actually took a flying fuck grams. And what is a rating but an fantry heros of the Second World War, at the moon. image in mathematical form? and Eddie Rickerabacker shot down The next thing will be instant rat- Krauts before there was a Death, The Double Your Standard ings which, by the familiar split-screen original Virgil had the guts to publish There is a clever play around named technique, will be rendered continuous- his work under a byline. MacBird which charges, without pre- ly in a corner of the picture while the On the other hand, now that the sub- senting any evidence, that the Johnsons show is going on. As a close-order drill ject has been brought up, it seems to had Kennedy killed. Similarly reckless, team performs its macabre comedy act me that Henry really is an almost sissy though less serious, accusations were on the Sullivan show, the number will name. being hurled about 15 years ago—from constantly fluctuate. If it drops below right to left. At that time the phenome- a critical point indicated in red on Blackbirds of 1967 non was known as MeCarthyista. color sets, Ed will appear with a The 1935 Brotherhood Award is hereby presented, retroactively, to Double Your Think shepherd's crook and yank the platoon sergeant off camera. Dante Robilotti, U.S. Marshal of In my never-ending pursuit of non- Brooklyn, who recently told the New conformity, I intend to remain the only But this phase will, itself, only be transitional. The season after next, York Daily News that Willie Mays is American journalist with nothing "a credit to his race."... Is there any- whatever to say about a certain hook show's will disappear entirely, with ssa4n2As\1 orn'y the rating numbers being shown thing so ludicrous as Madison Avenue concerning a recent President of the trying to be Aware? Mreall's magazine United States. But I would like to call on the screen. The typography, of course, will be by Warhol. ran a full-page ad in the York your attention to a peripheral develop- Times with a huge picture of a Negro ment that once again emphasizes the Only as Square as You Feel bay over copy that began as follows: accelerated pace at which we approach New York's lately merged newspa- "Are White People People? White peo- 1984. per, the World Journal Tribune (known ple are landlords. Movie stars. School- Both the Harris and the Gallup polls in the trade as The Widget) is gotten teachers. Policemen. Black people are hit the papers on the same day with out largely by senior citizens, most of mothers. . . ." Whitey's Watermelon surveys relating to the effect of the the younger set having left in anticipa- Shop is located in the Washington Mar- hassle over the aforeunmentioned hook tion of the disaster the paper turned ket in lower Manhattan. . . . A Negro on the public standing of this Presi- out to he. Maybe this circumstance ac- woman, head of a Brooklyn civic asso- dent's widow (who will be known here- counts for the staff's pitiful anxiety to ciation, was asked during a court pro- inafter as Tuesday to avoid invasion of appear hip. I assure you that all three ceeding whether her group was inte- privacy). of the following headlines blazed forth grated. She said: "We have one white There was a subtle but significant in one ediiton of the paper: family and one Italian family." difference between the polls, though Yeah, Yeah! they both suggested a substantial de- Portugal Rep to Jazz Oh Say Can JayCee cline in public esteem for Tuesday. • e • The Junior Chamber of Commerce Harris asked: "As a result of the con- Ah! A Gear Show has unveiled its Ten Outstanding troversy over the book . . . do you On Carnaby Street Young Men of the Year, who thus join think more of [Tuesday], less or has • • • the distinguished company of such past it made no difference in your attitude Like It's the Go-Go Village, winners as Billie So! Estes and Bobby toward her?" But Gallup didn't care And Anything Goes, Man Baker. about anything so superficial. He want- ed to know: "Do you think the recent Life Goes to a Funeral About.Face. Ma'am! controversy between [Tuesday] and There's a picture magazine of con- The March of Dimes has been barred the author and publishers of . . has siderable circulation which I think of from door-to-door soliciting in Fort hurt or helped her image with the as Death, though it prefers a different Worth, Texas, because it violates local American people?" In other words, "We title. Death lives on blood. You can't law by keeping more than 20,., of the don't care what you think of Tuesday; pick up a copy without confronting a take for "expenses." just tell us how you think she's doing full-color spread of what the boxing Eternal Vigilance imagewise." announcers (another vampire sect) call Drew Pearson's column reported Clearly Gallup represents the wave claret. Death brings you war blood, with no sign of tongue in cheek that of the future. He recognizes that peo- crime blood, medical blood and sports the "Kill a Commie for Christ" posters ple have come to mean very little in our blood. The way things are going, men- are issued by the John Birch Society. media-mangled society; that the status strual blood may be next. of one's image is what counts—from On the day the astronauts were Rumor of the Month the schlock-bound coast of Peyton Place buried, Death ran a full-page ad in the Congressman Powell end Senator to the foggy crags of Marlboro Coun- New York Times exploiting their de- Dirksen are going to make a record try (which has finally been located; the mise to sell its forthcoming issue. By together; they'll b billed its "Adam commercials are actually made in a the Luce ethical standards under which and Es."

May 1967 23 •A • .4"94i;1 Nib . - ,74;r7r-- - 4 jr . • , .Iii,1/11), s. )

'Z.- • • " kbi The Cynic Route from Crazy SANE to Loving Haight —or, Walt Disney Is Alive in Disneyland

The take came to between 10 "you people who got the courage to by Paul Krassner Kra fist.) and 15 thousand dollars. Admission collie out here tonight," SANE finally of insanity with a It's all related. brought the gross up to more than reached the depth If you say "Open sesame seed," the $60,000. brand new end-the-war feature—cheer- doors of perception may reveal that the The money will all be spent on peni- leaders—to help make the world safe psychedelic revolution is merely an- cillin to treat a severe dose of Ponta- for choreography. other hallucination. gonorrhea, which is how one poet re- There had been "considerable de- Ah, but a )1.0 hallucination or a fers to the military infection so ram- bate" about this particular portion of .false hallucination? pant in Washington LSDC, as my fel- the peace circus. Some felt it would be Did you know that in 1945 Aldous low add-heads would have it. "too light-hearted." But SANE de- Huxley ofvent to work for Walt Disney Floyd McKissick of CORE seemed cided to make what they considered a If you as a consultant on the filming of Alice to display a low threshold of bravery concession to youth, and wouldn't in Wonderland! at the Garden when he congratulated like to have the youth concession? "If people would think more of fair- Nevertheless, an apologia to the ies," said Disney a year later, "they audience: "We'll do this cheering in the would forget the atom bomb." most serious spirit." Old Walt was a magic mushroom A dozen eheeryboppers followed their dropout. professional leader. Boys wore white One week before his death, the Sane sweaters, white bell-bottom slacks, and carried megaphones. One hoped they Nuclear Policy Committee sponsored a St. Patrick's necessary fairy tale at Madison Square might sing a chorus of Garden. Exactly 20,000 people gathered Cathedral, yoit're bringing me down. to protest the Vietnam horror in what Girls wore 'white sweaters, blue mini- Jules Feiffer called "our annual infer- skirts, and carried porn-poms. On the tility rite"—Pete Seeger's song' patter sweaters, front and back, blue felt about "a bunch of bastards" notwith- doves had been applied with airplane standing ovation. glue. During the collection ritual, when "Block them bombs! Block them several spectators shouted out ques- bombs!" . . . "2-4-6-8, LBJ negotiate! tions about SANE's position on with- 1-3-5-7, Peace on earth, not in heaven!" (clap, clap) drawal, screw-wise, moderator Ossie ... "Stop—that dirty war! Davis answered one, then announced: Start—that lovely peace, yeah! yeah!" (clap, clap) With an E "It has just been suggested that those ... "With a P With an A (clap, clap) who ask questions make a sizable con- (clap, clap) With an E tribution." With a C (clap, clap) (clap, The collectors' instructions advised, clap) With a P-E-A-C-El Peace! "If your can is filled, notify your cap- Peace! Peace!" tain. If you have, any other prob- Author! Author! lems . ." (Italics discourtesy of (Continued on Page 4)