The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
Writer’s Packet
Sonia Sayani [email protected] 865-850-1920
1 Monologue Jokes
On New CDC Models: COLBERT: CDC models project that newly re-opened Georgia will see its numbers of daily Covid-19 deaths nearly double by early August. Well I think we already know Trump’s response to these figures: [Trump voice]: “What models are these? I know all the models in the United States, some blonde models, some redhead models, some brunette models…all of them very beautiful models… I really hope the models double I would really like that.”
On gas prices: Due to the economical effects of the Coronavirus crisis, CNN reported that gas prices have fallen below $2 a gallon on average in the United States.
COLBERT: “Honey can you believe it, gas is so cheap, let’s go fill up our tanks! …what? They’re already full because we haven’t been anywhere in 16 days? … Well do you wanna drive around the block a few times? No? …I’ve got it! Gimme all your Tupperware! What’s in this vase? Sorry who? Grandma? … Think she’d share?”
On Kim Jung Un: In world Dictator news — hold on, I know what you’re thinking, not Donald Trump — North Korean leader Kim Jong Un may be in grave danger after undergoing a surgery, according to U.S. Intelligence. Apparently he underwent a cardiovascular system procedure because of “excessive smoking, obesity, and overwork.”
COLBERT: Overwork? Really, North Korea? Saying Kim Jong Un has to work hard is like saying Donald Trump has the immigration sensibilities of Dora the Explorer. Kim Jong Un is so coddled he literally looks like a Ziploc bag full of lotion.
On CEO Bobby Kotick COLBERT: Bobby Kotick, CEO of the video game company Activision Blizzard [GRAPHIC of him]:
- seen here posing for his Keebler Elves application headshot/ - Bobby Kotick, or, uncle who just gave you a $3000 check for your birthday and is now awaiting his kiss/ - Bobby Kotick, or, lizard-snake-extraterrestrial wearing the bodysuit of a Republican candidate he just ate for breakfast/
2 …has revealed Tuesday that he gave out his personal phone number to 10,000 of his workers, encouraging them to reach out to him if they have concerns related to their health care in light of the Coronavirus pandemic. Look I get this, this is a really kind, caring gesture for the head of a company to make for his workers; but can you imagine the prank calls from your video game nerd employees?? [NERD VOICE]: “Hello, yes, Mr. Booby Kock- Tick? Heeheehee. I wanted to talk to you about my World of Wang- Craft character health points. Yeah I’m not seeing my out-of- pants-pocket Maximum lifting. I’m really considering jacking my HMO and whacking my POS. Teeheehehe ………please don’t fire me I’m unqualified for all other jobs.”
On the Never-Used Constitutional Provision: On Wednesday, Trump threatened to apply a never-before used provision of the Constitution to allow himself to adjourn the US Congress and push through his own nominees that would normally require Senate confirmation.
COLBERT: Oh good. Here we are in the middle of a pandemic in which thousands of people are dying every day, and the President is using it as an excuse to pack the courts with his own people again. At this point, Trump should just go full Voldemort: brand all the Republicans in government with the Dark Mark and start splitting his soul into multiple horecruxes. Wait …[counting off on fingers]: evil soul if any at all, an administration that’s in pieces, a bunch of whores……yep we’re already there.
On Donald’s Immigration Executive Order COLBERT: Last night, Donald Trump Tweet-le-dumbed in Twitterland / Donald Trump Twatted on the Twatter / again, announcing that he would sign an executive order temporarily suspending immigration to the U.S. in order to allegedly protect us from the quote “invisible enemy” Coronavirus. Yes, Donald Trump is working hard everyday to protect Americans from the invisible enemy of Coronavirus, as well as the very visible enemy of non- white people.
On Trump’s “Total Control”: On Monday, President Donald Trump claimed he had “total” authority to decide to lift restrictions governors have imposed to fight the Coronavirus pandemic. He said quote: “When somebody’s the President of the United States, the authority is total, and that’s the way it’s got to be.”
3 COLBERT: Uh Mr. Trump? I think you’re confusing President of the United States with…who’s that guy—you know, hates Jews, killed over a million people in concentration camps, funny mustache, leader of the Aryan nation——Heigler, was it? Yes, Heigler.
COLBERT: Your authority is total? Mr. President, have you ever BEEN to America before? Are you familiar with its brand of government at ALL? How blatant a lie do you really think you can get away with? I know Trump supporters will get in line with some crazy stuff, but there’s got to be a moment that makes them say “Ehhhh Mr. President I’m not sure.”[Trump voice]: “Hello America, this is your President, SuperTrump Thor Magneto the 2nd Lizard King of Earth, coming to you today to say……give me all your hamberders.” Trumpers, at least recognize what he really is. ……A lizard I can see, but Thor? More like Thor’s hammer, because he’s thick and heavy and only a superhero could lift him.
On Quarantine Protestors: Believe it or not, people around the country are protesting the Coronavirus lockdown restrictions put in place to keep us safe. Unmasked, angry citizens are banding together, waving American flags and yelling at officials to reopen the country. A woman in Frankfort, KY told station WKYT: [“Lot of fresh air out here. I don’t think I’m endangering anyone…I think the governor is endangering a lot of people by not letting families work.”]
COLBERT: Lady, just because the air feels “fresh” doesn’t mean you can’t get the Coronavirus. That’s like saying you can’t get fat from eating nothing but Twinkies so long as you dye them the same color as broccoli. Can you imagine if this woman ever encountered dry ice?
COLBERT: On Monday, hundreds gathered in front of the Pennsylvania statehouse Capitol building — some having apparently ridden in on a truck with the words “Jesus is my vaccine” spray painted across it. I mean, true, Jesus has given us a lot of stuff. Water into wine, multiplying fish, Easter, Christmas vacation; he even inspired those water walker shoes. And you know what else he gave us? Umm oh yeah: ACTUAL VACCINES.
COLBERT:Jesus is your vaccine? A man who died thousands of years ago is your vaccine, Trump is your all-powerful leader, and Jared Kushner is the Holy Ghost [image of Jared looking like a ghost]. Ahhhhh, the Holy Trinity of Stupid.
4 On Essential Businesses: One of the signs held up by the shelter-in-place protestors read: “Every business is essential.”
COLBERT: …”Every business is essential.” Said your unemployed college grad son: “See dad, I told you that vocational degree in underwater carpentry would be respected one day!”
COLBERT:“Did you hear that, honey?!? I can finally realize my dream of becoming the world’s most influential arsonist!!! Man this really is the land of opportunity!!”
COLBERT: “See honey, it’s times like these I’m really upset you made me give up my tequila flame-thrower shooting range business idea.”
On Chris Cuomo CNN anchor Chris Cuomo — or [GRAPHIC] Italian mob Jerry Seinfeld — who was diagnosed with Coronavirus 17 days ago, announced on CNN that his wife is now also positive with the Covid-19 and the two of them are quarantined separately in their home — with their kids now running the household. Cuomo described it as being like, quote, “Lord of the Flies in here.”
COLBERT: But see I’m not sure that’s quite the right reference if your daughter is 17. It should be more like Mean Girls. “On Monday we wear pink, Tuesday we wear polka dots, and on Wednesday YOU GAVE MY MOM A DEADLY RESPIRATORY DISEASE. ………Now please give me $50 and sit still while I do your makeup.”
On the Las Vegas Mayor: Yesterday, CNN anchor Anderson Cooper interviewed the mayor of Las Vegas, Carolyn Goodman, about her attempts to re-open Vegas Casinos, restaurants, and entertainment venues. In what was a bizarre interview, Goodman stated that Las Vegas is the, quote: “entertainment capital of the world where everything is clean.”
COLBERT: What?? Everything in Las Vegas is clean? Lady, even the ads on telephone poles aren’t clean! When I go to Vegas with my family, I have to cover my kids’ eyes with scarves and lead them into the hotel like royal kidnap victims awaiting their ransom!
COLBERT: Goodman had another interesting thought: [Video of Goodman saying]: “You’re talking disease. I’m talking life. I’m talking life and living.” Well now I guess we know at least one person has been listening to Donald Trump.[Trump voice]: “I’m
5 talking life, I’m talking living, living life, a life worth living, lifey live life life-ing life-ily… I love my life.”
On Reopening States: In giving-the-nation-whiplash news, President Trump. In a Wednesday Press Briefing Mr. Trump first encouraged and then criticized Georgia Governor Brian Kemp’s plans to reopen businesses this week, saying: “I want him to do what the thinks is right, but I disagree with him on what he is doing.”
COLBERT: Mr. Trump, make up your mind!! You’re the President of the United States, you either recommend something to your people or don’t! You can only HAVE your cake or you can EAT it, that’s how it works! But let’s be honest, we all know what you’re gonna do. …You’re gonna eat it.
COLBERT: Mr. Trump, make up your mind! You’re the President of the United States, you either recommend something or you don’t! Are you like this with everything? [Trump voice]: “Melanie, will you marry me? I’m a terrible person and a really bad husband, I’m not a big fan of brown people and I don’t know how to use an umbrella, but you should marry me even though I recommend you don’t do that. However, I’m the best person ever and I have the best words, but please don’t marry me. …So will you marry me?”
On Trump’s Lysol Cure: In response to Trump’s Trumpeting, the British company that makes Lysol, Reckitt Benckiser, had to put out a message warning that: “As a global leader in health and hygiene products, we must be clear that under no circumstance should our disinfectant products be administered into the human body (through injection, ingestion, or any other route).”
COLBERT: Mr. Trump, look what you made us do!!! You made us have to entertain the actual real possibility of people ingesting cleaning supplies to improve their health. I mean I guess why not at this point? Why not just keep going? Let’s all just try fighting fires with Jack Daniels and trying to clean pools by peeing in them—and putting an end to school shootings with thoughts and prayers! Why not!
Or maybe Trump is just saying this all in the hopes that Eric will try it.
On Donuts Featuring Dr. Fauci’s Face:
6 Due to the desperate need for facts and science that’s sweeping the Nation in this Coronavirus time, Dr. Fauci is becoming something of a hero. In fact, CNN reported that donuts featuring Dr. Fauci’s face are becoming a hit in NYC…[graphic]:
COLBERT: Donuts? New York, you couldn’t think of a healthier food for one second while we’re all trying to stay healthy and improve our immune systems? You couldn’t try carving Dr. Fauci’s face into an eggplant? [Colbert NY accent]: “In honor of this man that provided us with medical truth that ultimately saved the nation from entirely dying out from a deadly virus, here’s some diabetes!”
On Quarantine Homeschooling: COLBERT: Due to the Coronavirus quarantine mandating school closures around the country, many parents have turned to homeschooling. Said little Timmy: Okay but can we save anatomy class for…never?
COLBERT: …Many parents have turned to homeschooling. “Okay kids, time for Home Ec class: now go do the dishes, the laundry, and wash my car. …What do you mean that’s just chores? That’s an ‘F’ for you, young man, and you know what an ‘F’ means!!! …it means clean the gutters.”
Some “Meanwhile” Jokes
On Arbor Day: Meanwhile… Today is Arbor Day, the day you’ve been anxiously awaiting since Marzipan day. It’s the day we honor trees, folks. But you know what’s honored trees more than any one of us? The Coronavirus. Yes, the Coronavirus has forced so many of us to stay inside that pollution levels are dropping all around the globe. The trees are out there soaking up the sun, chatting each other up. It’s Spring Break for trees out there! “Hey baby, I like how you photosynthesize; how do you feel about me fertilizing your Angiosperm with my gymnosperm?…Man you’ve got great chloroplasts.”
In honor of Arbor Day, I’ve decided to make nice with my neighbor. We’ve had some hard times both being cooped up in our homes all day—what with his dogs pooping in my yard, him always trying to outdo my prize petunias, him “accidentally” starting an outbreak of fire ants in my vegetable garden. But I’m going to be the bigger person, honor the Earth, and go plant something
7 in his yard for him. It’s this plant, you might know it: three leaves, real shiny, gives you a rash and severe, all-consuming, uncontainable itching? ……It’s poison Ivy, I’m planting poison Ivy in my neighbors yard. This war’s just begun, Eugene.
On Amy Schumer’s kid: Meanwhile… In corona-quarantine-giving-us-time-to-think-about- our-choices news, comedian Amy Schumer has changed her son’s name from Gene Attell Fischer to Gene David Fischer after realizing that “Gene Attell” sounds suspiciously like “Genital.” In other news, actor Dick van Dyke changed his son’s name from Henry Bryce-Jack to Harry Ballsack. …What you gonna do? Gotta keep it in the family.
Gene-Attell Fischer! Imagine not realizing your name sounds like “genital” until the worst possible moment. “I, Genital Fischer, take this woman to be my lawfully wed…ded………… Oh god………”
On Banksy in Quarantine: Meanwhile… Banksy working from home is his wife’s worst nightmare. Why, you ask? Because of this: [photo of Banksy’s rat murals in his bathroom]. Jesus! Imagine waking up in the middle of the night to go pee and suddenly seeing this! It’s like trying to use the bathroom while Ratatouille throws a frat party in the sewer that is now your home. ……Also I’m not sure this is quite what Banksy’s wife signed up for just by agreeing to marry an artist. “Till death or rats do us part” is fair, don’t you think?
Or is this Banksy’s subtle hint to his wife that the bathroom needs cleaning? He’s a world-renowned artist, he could have painted anything else — doves, sailboats, conch shells and other vague maritime imagery found in the bathrooms of white people all across this great nation — anything but rats, Banksy! But watch out Banksy—she might just start hinting back. You may just wake up tomorrow morning beside an edition of Chicken Soup for the Soul entitled: “111 Stories about what to do when your penis is only OK.” … Either that, or she’ll just present him with their marriage certificate before dropping it into his famous shredding picture frame.
Also, if I tried to hint to my wife that something was in need of cleaning in our house, I’m pretty sure she’d never clean anything ever again. I’m just grateful she’s not crafty enough to start embroidering scorpions into all our bedsheets.
8 On Drake’s kid: Meanwhile… the rapper Drake has finally revealed to the public a picture of his kid on social media, and his name is Adonis Graham. Yes, Drake named his kid Adonis—after the mortal that had sex with Aphrodite. Aphrodite! Goddess of love, beauty, and pleasure! …I see what you’re doing here, Drake. Touché, Drake. Setting up that kid for success. That’s exactly why my mother named me “Most-Handsome-And-Funniest-Man-On-Television.” That’s right. When it works, it works.
On April Fool’s: Meanwhile, today in April Fool’s news … please don’t.
Today is April Fool’s, folks. The day all fathers expect a heart attack every time their teenage daughters walk into the room: “Dad, I’ve decided to move to Newark and have a baby with my boyfriend, Mario Face Tattoo.”
April Fool’s is usually celebrated around the world on the 1st of April—in France, they celebrate with the Poisson d’Avril, or, the Fish of April; in which the French playfully stick images of fishes around the city or on people’s backs. …Yes. The French idea of a joke is…wearing fish? [Colbert French accent]: “Haw haw, Monsieur, I have a funny joke for you. Knock knock… you have a fish on you. HAW HAW HAW HAW.”
9 CONTACT TRACING GIULIANI COLD OPEN NEWS ANNOUNCER (V.O.) In an interview on Fox News, it seems that Mayor Rudy Giuliani may have revealed that he doesn’t quite understand how contact tracing works...
VIDEO CLIP OF GIULIANI ON FOX NEWS WITH LAURA INGRAHAM: RUDY GIULIANI “We should trace everybody for cancer and heart disease and obesity. I mean, a lot of things kill you more than Covid-19, so we should be traced for all those things.”
INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM - DAY Health instructor RUDY GIULIANI stands in front of a flip chart in his gym suit. The chart reads “Contact Tracing 101.” RUDY GIULIANI America, this is Rudy Giuliani, your health instructor with an important Coronavirus PSA. Today’s lesson: CONTACT TRACING. There are new scientific updates on this: it’s not just for Covid-19, folks! Lesson one: Don’t touch each other or you WILL become obese. Rudy flips chart page: line drawing of chubby Donald Trump and a figure touching his belly. RUDY GIULIANI (CONT'D) Through contact tracing, we will know how you became obese, and we will know that it wasn’t from eating all those donuts with Dr. Fauci’s face on them -- it was from touching Fat Dermot in the back of the movie theater -- looking at you, Sally! [Between you and me she’s kind of a whore]. Upon touch, your cells will fill with fat and blow up like a subway rat in a corn popper! And contact tracing isn’t just for obesity either. 2.
Rudy flips chart: line drawing of a carrot. RUDY GIULIANI (CONT'D) Contact tracing can also determine how you had the misfortune to become a vegetarian! My nephew over in Poughkeepsie simply brushed shoulders with a guy eating an impossible burger, and now he’s started a bean patch so he can make his own! I’m thinking of disowning him! NEXT! Rudy flips chart: line drawing of a fairy. RUDY GIULIANI (CONT'D) GAYNESS. You can become gay through touch! There’s a guy I work with, Jerry, and I tell you I never let him touch me! I always had my suspicions about him. Last week he tried to shake my hand and I said -- no buddy! Save that for your next trip to the Yankee Candle! A few more things we can check with contact tracing!?!: Rudy flips chart: line drawing of flan. RUDY GIULIANI (CONT'D) A sudden taste for Flan. Flips chart: smudge of color. RUDY GIULIANI (CONT'D) An affinity for the color aquamarine! Flips chart: line drawing of hand ironing a cactus. RUDY GIULIANI (CONT'D) The desire to start ironing your plants! Flips chart: line drawing of someone puking in a bag RUDY GIULIANI (CONT'D) A sudden interest in collecting used airplane sick bags! Flips chart: blurred image. 3.
RUDY GIULIANI (CONT'D) And finally, an insatiable urge to pleasure yourself to the movie “Cats!” Flips chart: it reads “DON’T TOUCH ME” RUDY GIULIANI (CONT'D) There we have it, health tips for how to trace your ailment through contact. And it’s all easily avoided; all you have to do is stand up and say No!! I am Rudy Giuliani, a proud healthy and free American citizen, saying DON’T TOUCH ME!! Thank you very much. Please stay safe out there and remember, NO TOUCHING! Oh hello Jerry-- JERRY enters on screen casually w/ Yankee Candle bag. JERRY Hey Rudy, how’s it going buddy? Jerry pats Rudy on the shoulder in friendly greeting and walks off out of frame. RUDY GIULIANI ....oh no. CUT TO BLACK. Uh-oh! You’re obviously unable to speak from laughing right now, but this is just an excerpt.
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