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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert Writer's Packet Sonia Sayani

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert Writer's Packet Sonia Sayani The Late Show with Stephen Colbert Writer’s Packet Sonia Sayani [email protected] 865-850-1920 1 Monologue Jokes On New CDC Models: COLBERT: CDC models project that newly re-opened Georgia will see its numbers of daily Covid-19 deaths nearly double by early August. Well I think we already know Trump’s response to these figures: [Trump voice]: “What models are these? I know all the models in the United States, some blonde models, some redhead models, some brunette models…all of them very beautiful models… I really hope the models double I would really like that.” On gas prices: Due to the economical effects of the Coronavirus crisis, CNN reported that gas prices have fallen below $2 a gallon on average in the United States. COLBERT: “Honey can you believe it, gas is so cheap, let’s go fill up our tanks! …what? They’re already full because we haven’t been anywhere in 16 days? … Well do you wanna drive around the block a few times? No? …I’ve got it! Gimme all your Tupperware! What’s in this vase? Sorry who? Grandma? … Think she’d share?” On Kim Jung Un: In world Dictator news — hold on, I know what you’re thinking, not Donald Trump — North Korean leader Kim Jong Un may be in grave danger after undergoing a surgery, according to U.S. Intelligence. Apparently he underwent a cardiovascular system procedure because of “excessive smoking, obesity, and overwork.” COLBERT: Overwork? Really, North Korea? Saying Kim Jong Un has to work hard is like saying Donald Trump has the immigration sensibilities of Dora the Explorer. Kim Jong Un is so coddled he literally looks like a Ziploc bag full of lotion. On CEO Bobby Kotick COLBERT: Bobby Kotick, CEO of the video game company Activision Blizzard [GRAPHIC of him]: - seen here posing for his Keebler Elves application headshot/ - Bobby Kotick, or, uncle who just gave you a $3000 check for your birthday and is now awaiting his kiss/ - Bobby Kotick, or, lizard-snake-extraterrestrial wearing the bodysuit of a Republican candidate he just ate for breakfast/ 2 …has revealed Tuesday that he gave out his personal phone number to 10,000 of his workers, encouraging them to reach out to him if they have concerns related to their health care in light of the Coronavirus pandemic. Look I get this, this is a really kind, caring gesture for the head of a company to make for his workers; but can you imagine the prank calls from your video game nerd employees?? [NERD VOICE]: “Hello, yes, Mr. Booby Kock- Tick? Heeheehee. I wanted to talk to you about my World of Wang- Craft character health points. Yeah I’m not seeing my out-of- pants-pocket Maximum lifting. I’m really considering jacking my HMO and whacking my POS. Teeheehehe ………please don’t fire me I’m unqualified for all other jobs.” On the Never-Used Constitutional Provision: On Wednesday, Trump threatened to apply a never-before used provision of the Constitution to allow himself to adjourn the US Congress and push through his own nominees that would normally require Senate confirmation. COLBERT: Oh good. Here we are in the middle of a pandemic in which thousands of people are dying every day, and the President is using it as an excuse to pack the courts with his own people again. At this point, Trump should just go full Voldemort: brand all the Republicans in government with the Dark Mark and start splitting his soul into multiple horecruxes. Wait …[counting off on fingers]: evil soul if any at all, an administration that’s in pieces, a bunch of whores……yep we’re already there. On Donald’s Immigration Executive Order COLBERT: Last night, Donald Trump Tweet-le-dumbed in Twitterland / Donald Trump Twatted on the Twatter / again, announcing that he would sign an executive order temporarily suspending immigration to the U.S. in order to allegedly protect us from the quote “invisible enemy” Coronavirus. Yes, Donald Trump is working hard everyday to protect Americans from the invisible enemy of Coronavirus, as well as the very visible enemy of non- white people. On Trump’s “Total Control”: On Monday, President Donald Trump claimed he had “total” authority to decide to lift restrictions governors have imposed to fight the Coronavirus pandemic. He said quote: “When somebody’s the President of the United States, the authority is total, and that’s the way it’s got to be.” 3 COLBERT: Uh Mr. Trump? I think you’re confusing President of the United States with…who’s that guy—you know, hates Jews, killed over a million people in concentration camps, funny mustache, leader of the Aryan nation——Heigler, was it? Yes, Heigler. COLBERT: Your authority is total? Mr. President, have you ever BEEN to America before? Are you familiar with its brand of government at ALL? How blatant a lie do you really think you can get away with? I know Trump supporters will get in line with some crazy stuff, but there’s got to be a moment that makes them say “Ehhhh Mr. President I’m not sure.”[Trump voice]: “Hello America, this is your President, SuperTrump Thor Magneto the 2nd Lizard King of Earth, coming to you today to say……give me all your hamberders.” Trumpers, at least recognize what he really is. ……A lizard I can see, but Thor? More like Thor’s hammer, because he’s thick and heavy and only a superhero could lift him. On Quarantine Protestors: Believe it or not, people around the country are protesting the Coronavirus lockdown restrictions put in place to keep us safe. Unmasked, angry citizens are banding together, waving American flags and yelling at officials to reopen the country. A woman in Frankfort, KY told station WKYT: [“Lot of fresh air out here. I don’t think I’m endangering anyone…I think the governor is endangering a lot of people by not letting families work.”] COLBERT: Lady, just because the air feels “fresh” doesn’t mean you can’t get the Coronavirus. That’s like saying you can’t get fat from eating nothing but Twinkies so long as you dye them the same color as broccoli. Can you imagine if this woman ever encountered dry ice? COLBERT: On Monday, hundreds gathered in front of the Pennsylvania statehouse Capitol building — some having apparently ridden in on a truck with the words “Jesus is my vaccine” spray painted across it. I mean, true, Jesus has given us a lot of stuff. Water into wine, multiplying fish, Easter, Christmas vacation; he even inspired those water walker shoes. And you know what else he gave us? Umm oh yeah: ACTUAL VACCINES. COLBERT:Jesus is your vaccine? A man who died thousands of years ago is your vaccine, Trump is your all-powerful leader, and Jared Kushner is the Holy Ghost [image of Jared looking like a ghost]. Ahhhhh, the Holy Trinity of Stupid. 4 On Essential Businesses: One of the signs held up by the shelter-in-place protestors read: “Every business is essential.” COLBERT: …”Every business is essential.” Said your unemployed college grad son: “See dad, I told you that vocational degree in underwater carpentry would be respected one day!” COLBERT:“Did you hear that, honey?!? I can finally realize my dream of becoming the world’s most influential arsonist!!! Man this really is the land of opportunity!!” COLBERT: “See honey, it’s times like these I’m really upset you made me give up my tequila flame-thrower shooting range business idea.” On Chris Cuomo CNN anchor Chris Cuomo — or [GRAPHIC] Italian mob Jerry Seinfeld — who was diagnosed with Coronavirus 17 days ago, announced on CNN that his wife is now also positive with the Covid-19 and the two of them are quarantined separately in their home — with their kids now running the household. Cuomo described it as being like, quote, “Lord of the Flies in here.” COLBERT: But see I’m not sure that’s quite the right reference if your daughter is 17. It should be more like Mean Girls. “On Monday we wear pink, Tuesday we wear polka dots, and on Wednesday YOU GAVE MY MOM A DEADLY RESPIRATORY DISEASE. ………Now please give me $50 and sit still while I do your makeup.” On the Las Vegas Mayor: Yesterday, CNN anchor Anderson Cooper interviewed the mayor of Las Vegas, Carolyn Goodman, about her attempts to re-open Vegas Casinos, restaurants, and entertainment venues. In what was a bizarre interview, Goodman stated that Las Vegas is the, quote: “entertainment capital of the world where everything is clean.” COLBERT: What?? Everything in Las Vegas is clean? Lady, even the ads on telephone poles aren’t clean! When I go to Vegas with my family, I have to cover my kids’ eyes with scarves and lead them into the hotel like royal kidnap victims awaiting their ransom! COLBERT: Goodman had another interesting thought: [Video of Goodman saying]: “You’re talking disease. I’m talking life. I’m talking life and living.” Well now I guess we know at least one person has been listening to Donald Trump.[Trump voice]: “I’m 5 talking life, I’m talking living, living life, a life worth living, lifey live life life-ing life-ily… I love my life.” On Reopening States: In giving-the-nation-whiplash news, President Trump. In a Wednesday Press Briefing Mr. Trump first encouraged and then criticized Georgia Governor Brian Kemp’s plans to reopen businesses this week, saying: “I want him to do what the thinks is right, but I disagree with him on what he is doing.” COLBERT: Mr.
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