Acceptance verses Forgiveness

Acceptance: Acceptance is a responsible, authentic response to a betrayal or injury when the offender is not available (not willing to or can't) to engage in-an aciive process of reconciliation. lt's a self healinq process in which nothing is asked of from the offender.

Genuine Forgiveness: ls when the oflender is willing to invest in the hard work of repentance and restitution while the huri pafty will work hard at letiing go of resentments and the need for revenge. This is a process that both parties actively work together to repair all aspects of the injury.

Assumptions we make about forgiveness: 1) To be a 'good person'we need to forgive those who betrayed or hurt us. 2) Other assumptions we carry:

Cheap Forgiveness: In order to feel relief, we move too quickly to say "we forgive,,withoui fully undersianding the impact of the betrayal(s) or trurt(s). lt'i an easy parclon with no processing of the emotions or coming to terms of the effecis. Often it results ivhen people are invested in 'making peace' as oppose io resolution. Often the hun parly'forgives'witlrout asking for anyihing in'return. This results in the building of unspoken resentments and internal conflicts.

Refusing to Forgive: This occurs when the offender is rvilling to engage in the process of owning iheir behavior and the offended is more invesied in notcling onto the huri and anger. Often times the offended is investeci in wanting to punish the offender forever even if there's a cost to them. When this occurs, we need to ask ourselves: "What are we gaining by siaying invesied in the hurt?,, [s it:

i) Increase sense of power over ihe ofiender? 2)A need to stay ioentifiecj as a victirn? 3) A fear of the unknoln? 4) Oil-rer reasons:

Steps toward Acceptance: 1) Honor the full range of emotions related to one,s injury. 2) Willingness to give up the neecj for revenge but is vrilling to seek resolution. 3) willingness to stop obsessing about the injury and wiilingness to re- engage in life. 4) Willing to protect oneself from further abuse. 5) willingness to frame the offender's behavior in terms of his issues. 6) For offended to look honestly at their own contribution, if any, to the injury. 7) Challenge false assumptions aboui what happened. B) separate out the behavior and offense from the person who offended. e) carefully decide if, and if so, what kind of relationship the offended wants with the offender. 10) Forgive themselves for their own human-ness.

Fo IVETIESS: Acceptance Process involving both parties Betrayed pafty can resolve (make peace with) the betrayal without the engagement of the offender. Offender needs to have the good will to Betrayed party actively identifies the make the effort to actively make issues and can create iheir own amends for betrayal process of making peace without forgiveness. This is an ongoing process that only Betrayed party can be released from ends when the betrayed party feels that obsessive pre-occupation with the all of the issues related to the betrayal offender or offense. have been addressed, acknowledqed. Both parties are able to respect Allows the betrayed parly to whatever boundaries are set forth in understand the offender's misireatment order to fully address the betrayal. in terms of the offender's personal damage or limitaiions, as opposed to the betrayed party. Betrayed pafiy actively asks for things Betrayed party asks nothing from the to assist in resolving betrayal and the offender. offender actively meets those needs Betrayed pafty and offender aciively challenge assumptions ihat prevent them from making meaningful repairs.

Oflender makes an effective apology.

Offender aciively seeks to understand their offense in order to never repeat tlre offense aqain. Both parties work to earn back trust. What are the assumptions that prevent us from making repairs or healing?

i) Assumption: lf I forgive you then the offense is less profound. 2) Assumption: If I let go of my anger than l'll get hurt again. 3) Assumption:

Acceptance Exercise:

1) ldentify on person who has hurt you in a significant way?

2) What has this person done to hurt you?

3) What have you done to make peace with yourself around it?

4) What pieces of healing are still pending?

5) Whai may be keeping the process of accepiance stuck (if anything)?

6) What would you have to let go of in order to come io a place of acceptance?

7) What could you imagine you would gain?