Today: Partly Smokey High the ttuftsufts Tufts’ Student Tomorrow: Gossip Why is the sun dripping? Since 1980 High x+1 Low self asteem VOLUME AWESOME, NUMBER 666 ddailyaily HALLOWEEN 2006 daily adopts tufts’ AVIAN FLU HITS THE HILL!!!! new logo BY TOMMY PASTRAMI selves.” Primary Source Defect-ee The flu case has been attrib- the daily has elected to uted to an overseas trip by Dean adopt tufts’ new lowercase Apocalyptic mayhem, con- of Students Having Affairs Bryce logo.“nobody likes this logo, but tingency plans, and gas masks Leftman to the Democratic they put it all over the sweat- have entered Medford and Republic of the Congo. Leftman shirts,” says daily graphic designer Somerville. As the first wave of billed the trip as a chance for miss understood. “we don’t like it the avian flu pandemic hits the him to “better understand the either, so we decided to put it in twin city area, Tufts students disparity in housing costs in the paper.” are being ordered by the Federal dorms” like Wren and Sophia the daily has also announced Government to stay indoors Gordon. that it will be entirely eliminating under lock and key. “I initially went there to find the use of uppercase letters. In the first confirmed case out if our proposed abroad “now we can operate with of avian flu to hit the conti- dorm for our proposed Congo our crumbling 80’s era keyboards nental United States, Tufts campus should cost the same as none of the shift keys work,” miss University will be closed until living in Sophia Gordon,” Dean understood explained. “we can further notice, according to a Leftman said from his hospital also really push the envelope of direct order from the President’s bed. “Then I saw a chicken. I vomit-inducing, blood-curdlingly office. like chickens. I went over to it, trendy/emo graphic design.” “We are shutting down the then I knew I was through.” the decision comes on the campus indefinitely until we “How can you avoid chick- heels of rumors that tufts will be know for shizzle what the dilleo ens?” he asked. entirely ditching all capital letters is, yo,” said el-Presidente Bacow The H5N1b strain of avian in all material for the upcoming in a press conference on his flu has officials particularly capital campaign. punctuation is front lawn. He was sporting an perplexed: the World Health also rumored to be in line for the orange jumpsuit and purple-ish Organization (WHO?) confirmed ax. galoshes from Orvis. that in 2006 the strain spread “it’s all about the new student “Give me a little credit. If I from Southeast Asia to central strain of the avian flu,” President munching Doritos released to demographic,” consultant lobby wanted to kill the student body, Eurasia and killed 73 people. Bush said in a Rose Garden press Al-Jizz-er-AHHHH that the out- me ridiculous said, on retainer I could,” Bacow said at his press “Today, the gravest danger in conference yesterday. break at Tufts “is yet another sign with the university for $10 million. conference. “It’s not difficult; the war on terror, the gravest Saddam Hussein, from his that the great Satan is doomed... “punctuation is so last year it’s all because of the flu and lack of danger facing America and the jail cell modeled after a room ow look a chicken, how did he about speaking to them in their social life, they are killing them- world, is Dean Leftman and his in Wren, said in a tape while get in here?!” language lets hear out a big lol.” Carmichael Cockroaches found to be protected species; students relocated

BY TOYOTA HIGHLANDER AND THE “These cockroaches are a protected spe- in a few short years.” added. HALLUCINATOR cies. Students, unfortunately, aren’t,” she Tufts Community Union President Until then, Queen suggested that the The 2006 series; Class A said. Mitch Robinson has called for a compro- few remaining Carmichael residents could While striving to protect the biodiver- mise. sleep outside of Sophia Gordon Hall. In a press conference held yesterday sity of the environment (also making sure “Maybe students can room with the “I mean, we installed waterless urinals. outside the battered hut that once was the spiders appeared undisturbed), the cockroaches. They’re just like regular Waterless urinals. Just keep saying that. Carmichael Hall, “housing” director students were relocated from their rooms. roommates except they tend to mate a The urinals, they do not have any a single Yasmin Queen announced the University’s Queen said this would be a temporary little bit more, so you should be ready to drop of water and yet the urine disap- new Cockroach Preservation Plan (CPP). solution, only lasting until her office can be sexiled once and a while.” pears,” she said. “Basically, we’ve been hearing a lot of fix the gaping structural damage caused “That’s what makes Tufts great. When one student complained that complaints from students about the cock- by the combination of the cockroaches Cooperation. Write that down. Harvard sleeping outside of the building would roach infestation in Carmichael,” Queen and flooding in Carmichael. doesn’t cooperate. Can’t we all just get not help, Queen vanished in a puff of told the Daily. “We’ve placed a mass order for Scotch along?” smoke after someone threw a bucket of But she said are some environmental tape,” the Queen assured the audience. “Did I mention that I just coughed? water at her. “I’m melting, melting!” she preservation issues are coming into play. “The building should be up and running You’re covering that tomorrow, right?” he exclaimed.

Halloween on the hill: disaster! News feed’s got nothing on this looking disappointed. “Two hundred boxes BY PO PO of munchkins had been ordered, and there Do-nutter were none left when we arrived.” When the police unplugged the boombox Tufts University Police cut short Halloween and attempted to clear the area, the children on the Hill this weekend. Officers confiscated began rioting. scores of Juicy Juice boxes from a handful of When asked to spell ‘riot,’ the children said, rowdy future Tufts students celebrating the ‘r...’ and ran away, the Cap’n said. holiday in Carmichael Hall on Saturday. Upon being denied candy, many of the TUPD received the report at 10:00 am children became belligerent and destructive that an individual tore off his Spongebob of property. “One little girl even had a temper Squarepants costume and exposed himself. tantrum and threw a finely carved Jack o’ Upon arriving at the scene, the police Lantern,” the Cap’n said. found many of the kindergarteners running “It was a waste of a fine pumpkin,” he rampant and dancing to “Monster Mash.” said. “It was during quiet hours,” said Cap’n Bryce “Avian Flu” Leftman is sending a Keith Crunch. “There’s no excuse for that formal apology to the neighbors. “Due to the type of behavior.” Cap’n Crunch said that high number of complaints, we thought it the police also found an individual who had would be appropriate to send out a formal consumed excessive amounts of candy vom- apology on behalf of Tufts,” he said. “I mean, In response to the overwhelmingly negative student reaction to Facebook’s news feed iting in the corner, and that Tufts Emergency 10:00 on a Saturday morning. come on,” and other features, the Web site has created even more ways to stalk (and potentially Medical Services (TEMS) had to be called to he said. “It’s not like it was Spring Fling or bludgeon with a battle ax) your friends. his aid. Homecoming.” The newest features include an overhauled news feed that features live webcams in all “His mother was nowhere to be found,” “If only the freshman knew what Halloween members’ bedrooms as well as in the shower stalls. the Cap’n added. at Tufts used to be like,” said a slightly inebri- “I think it is extremely exciting, especially the shower cams,” junior Voi Errr said. The officers also scoured the floor, to no ated Eli Cohn, a senior. The number of groups protesting the action and claiming that they are the “official avail, for Dunkin Donuts, a typical Halloween “Back in my day, the parties from Friday petition to Facebook,” also sextupled. snack. “There had obviously been a high night would go until noon on Saturday, at Sextupled, good word. rate of consumption,” Cap’n Crunch said, least,” Cohn said, with a loud belch.

Inside this issue Tuftsdaily.com Today’s Sections CROSSWORD?!?! Crazy Elephant claiming Where you read it first 1 Feature on the to be Jumbo raised from You mean you his dead attacked Tokyo want a cross But read this first 2 invisible man 8 this weekend in what can word puzzle? READ ME 2 You want to, really 2 only be referred to as “a Can you find it? Quasi-informative 3 Come on! 2 normal day in Japan”. Throw ball, fun 4 Don’t make me beg! 2 see NORMAL, page 8 see :( , page ? 2 Better than News THE Tufts DAILY Tuesday, October 31, 2006

THE Tufts DAILY Student has a funny name, inspires disbelief SHMITTTTTYYYYYYYY!!! Editor-in-Chief No, really ... it’s actually EDITORIAL his name. No joke. We swear. Kelly Kapowski Managing Editors Not quite gold BY CÉSAR CHAVEZ Revolutionary Mrs. Olmert Editorial Page Editors Serial Winker I’m a little girl! Don’t abduct me! Juniors and Perspective Leaders Don’t mess with Texas Katie Ray and Sarah Jacknis were amazed this summer when they first Fuck You, Have Meetings Executive News Editor Uphill saw their student list and realized they would be teaching a freshman Died of laughter News Editors by the name of “Cantwell Faulkner Talk you to death Muckenfuss IV.” Died with Abigail Mr. Senior “At first I thought it was a joke; like, Massachusetts....dead the Ex-College was just having some fun with the lists,” Ray said. “But then Death at 1:53 a.m. on Oct. 31 Assistant News Editors Died alone I looked him up on Facebook.com, Buried in construction site since it’s at high schools now, too — Death by dislaimer did I mention that Facebook blows?” Loves kittens to death Jacknis expressed her astonish- ment at the amazing name as well: “I César Chavez Executive Features Editor couldn’t understand how this could actually happen ... At first, I thought Hugo Chavez Features Editors Fidel Chavez maybe he was an international stu- dent and the name ‘Muckenfuss’ must Ché Chavez Assistant Features Editor not sound as funny in another lan- guage,” she said. The Arts Department Other theories gripped the lives of those surrounding Muckenfuss. “Before I met him, I figured that he must be the child of a celebrity,” Associate Ex-College Director and head of the Perspectives program Howard Woolf said. “I mean, Apple, Shiloh Nouvel, Hazel and Phinnaeus, Satchel, Moon Unit, Rumer, and

Mama Weinrauch Executive Viewpoints Seven? Muckenfuss isn’t that weird; at COURTESY CANTWELL FAULKNER MUCKENFUSS IV ... YOU LOVE IT Editor least his name isn’t Zowie Bowie.” Cantwell Faulkner Muckenfuss IV has a branch AND a great name. What do you have? That’s So Raven Assistant Viewpoints But Ray pointed out the faultiness The Generic Freshman Editors behind Jacknis’ and Woolf’s theo- Samuel Cunsworth ries. “First of all, ‘Cantwell Faulkner or ... wait, I think that’s the only thing Not every student was dying to have Muckenfuss IV’ is way too preppy- they said.” sex with Muckenfuss. “No way; it’d be Captain Crunch Executive Sports Editor sounding to be foreign, and we defi- Yet Muckenfuss’s unusual name way too dangerous,” explained fresh- nitely know he’s not the child of some- turned out to be masking a surpris- man and Muckenfuss classmate Sophie Big Boobs McGee Sports Editors one famous. Think about it: There had ingly normal person. “He’s totally nor- Cedola. “I mean, if you got pregnant, Bramlet Abercrombie Mrs. Evander Holyfield to be three more of them before this mal,” Ray said. “I mean, his name has then you’d have to name your son The Rhino one!” she said. become kind of his identity, but besides Cantwell Faulkner Muckenfuss V!” Despite the distraction of a name that, nothing. I thought he’d be a total Besides just the typical lust of fresh- The Clinchmeister Assistant Sports Editors like Muckenfuss, Ray and Jacknis freak. I mean, if you come from a family man away from home for the first Jerry Apathetic have had minimal difficulty teaching who names their kids that, you’d have time, Muckenfuss’s name has even Snow White Executive Photo Editor him in class. “Surprisingly, his name to be, right? But I was wrong.” inspired another all-too-common col- only caused problems for the first few In fact, Muckenfuss inspires all- lege emotion: jealousy. Doc Photo Editors classes. The other students are finally too-normal feelings among his class- “I mean, it’s just so unfair,” com- Sleepy Grumpy getting used to it and we’ve actually mates. “He’s actually pretty hot,” plained sophomore Harry Waxberg, Happy been able to get through a full lesson confided one student. “And I mean, who prefers to go by the name Muffin Sneezy plan for once,” Jacknis said. “I mean, think about it: How great would it McGuffin. “How am I supposed to Bashful Assistant Photo Editors sure, people couldn’t get over it at first be if you could brag that you fucked compete with a guy named Cantwell Dopey — could you? They kept saying stuff a guy named Cantwell Faulkner Faulkner Muckenfuss IV? ‘Muffin’ like, ‘You can’t well muck and fuss!’ Muckenfuss IV?” doesn’t come close to that!” PRODUCTION Twinkle Toes Production Director †(ex+1+µ) ± ƒ(Ñ) ~ § Production Stooges IN UR MIDST, MAKIN’ U GUILTY Star Rimjob Cool Enough to Lay Out the Arts Section Double Dipper Another student helps poor in developing country Little Miss Sunshine Internets is funs Rest of the Tufts student body feels worthless and unaccomplished by comparison Amit Chatur-box Cyberspace Cadets Annette Funicello BY CÉSAR CHAVEZ but when your daddy can pay for your Pakistan, illegal immigrants and global Sophie’s Choice Revolutionary Louis Vuitton luggage, of course you can warming. I’ve lost 10 pounds, and now I Man, He Is Awkward Chief Copy Editor spend the summer working at an NGO,” can finally fit into that Versace dress I’ve Continuing the tradition of the ‘I’m-bet- bitched Meilleur’s roommate and Tufts been wanting — not that that’s why I did it, The Cheese Stands Alone Copy Editor ter-than-you’ activism pervading the Tufts junior Lisa Darnisher. “Some of us had to of course.” campus, junior Mejor Meilleur spent her make money this summer, and everyone In order to bring awareness to the fact BUSINESS summer providing food, water, shelter and knows poor people in third-world coun- that she supports lots of good causes and, Donald Trump Executive Business Director technology to a remote village in Nepal. tries don’t tip.” therefore, is a better person than those “It was just such a great experience; around her, Meilleur dons approximately Tap-dancer Business Manager it really changes you,” Meilleur gushed, 15 of those trendy rubbery colored brace- Keeps us toned Office Manager echoing the sentiments of every student to But Meilleur doesn’t let other lets per day. “I have one for breast cancer, go abroad since 1947. one for heart disease, one for testicular “Do I have to?” Pretty Advetisements!!! people’s negativity get in the way Photoshop 101 “I mean, it’s just so amazing. I’m only 20 cancer, one for Darfur, one for women’s years old and already I’ve changed the lives of her hypocrisy. rights, one for gay marriage, one for hun- Recieve this! Receivables Manager of an entire village. They’d still be starving ger and one for world peace,” she said. and cold if it weren’t for me,” Meilleur said, “I have a bunch of others, too,” Meilleur The Tufts Daily is a nonprofit, independent newspaper, making all those around her unsure if they Meilleur seemed oblivious to the feelings added. “Which ones I wear usually depends published Monday through Friday during the academic year, wanted to kill her or themselves. of resentment and worthlessness her char- on the color of my outfit that day. I mean, and distributed free to the Tufts community. While Meilleur’s efforts undoubtedly bet- ity inspired. “I think people really admire if I’m wearing red, obviously I wouldn’t put EDITORIAL POLICY tered the lives of those less fortunate than what I do. I mean, some people only care on the green Darfur bracelet or the pink Write whatever you want. she, they also proved to have detrimental about themselves, but I’m obviously better breast cancer bracelet. Duh.” LETTERS TO THE EDITOR side effects on those who knew her: “I just than those people,” she said. “I care about “Yeah, I’m sure she cares a whole lot We don’t like you or your little dog too. feel so unaccomplished now,” Meilleur’s helping others, so that’s why I tell everyone about cancer,” scoffed senior classmate ADVERTISING POLICY friend and Tufts sophomore Jason Moppy I know about the amazing things I did.” Jennie Carson. “That self-righteous bitch All advertising copy is subject to the approval of the Editor- said. “I mean, Mejor spent her summer Meilleur, a double-major in internation- smokes a pack a day.” in-Chief, Executive Board, and Executive Business Director. making computers out of cow shit for the al relations and peace and justice studies, But Meilleur doesn’t let other people’s A publication schedule and rate card are available upon request. needy while I sat around and played ‘World doesn’t just limit her gag-inducing social negativity get in the way of her hypocrisy. “I of Warcraft.’” activism to the summer. just want to change the world,” she said. “I’m P.O. Box 53018, Medford, MA 02155 Others bemoaned Meilleur’s wealthy “I usually go on fasts about twice a thinking that next summer I’ll go somewhere 617 627 3090 FAX 617 627 3910 status as allowing her to spend her sum- month for different causes,” she said. in Central America or Africa and teach the [email protected] mer helping others. “I mean, no offense, “So far I’ve fasted for Darfur, women in natives about sustainable development.” Better Than You 3 THE Tufts DAILY Tuesday, October 31, 2006

SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE! MO MONEY, MO PROBLEMS Kurt Cobain far from ‘Nirvana’ after newfound, postmortem wealth The Daily lands an exclusive interview that will blow you away

BY FOZZIE Better than Liz Hoffman

After hearing the announce- ment that he was the highest- earning dead celebrity in the past year, deceased Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain was in shock. “Here I am up in heaven with Frank [Sinatra] and Jimi [Hendrix], listening to the new record they cut together, when Biggie flies over and shows me the article saying I earned 50 million bucks last year,” Cobain said. “At first, it worried me a little. I was like, ‘I came to heaven to escape all this fame and fortune, so now what do I do?’ Well, since God doesn’t allow guns in heaven, I’ll just have to be happy that peo- IHATEMYLIFEANDIWANTTODIE.COM ple are still buying my music ‘Smells like’ someone is making bank. more than 10 years later.” ded heaven. ing solely as a miserable, sui- “It’s not that I haven’t been cidal, strung-out heroin fiend,” “Well, since God doesn’t rich, but before, guys like Cobain said. “And it’s not even allow guns in heaven, Elvis and John [Lennon], you like their music is good. At least know, they’ve always been when I bit it, I could still write a I’ll just have to be happy the real high rollers. But now, decent tune.” that people are still buy- whenever we go out together, Cobain turned remarkably I’m going to feel like a jerk if I bitter when asked about any FOOD NETWORK ing my music more than don’t take care of the bill.” financial gains his widow, [Rachel Ray makes good steak!] To cut down on his guilt, Courtney Love, has made 10 years later.” Cobain has been working to from the sale of her stake turn his recent windfall into a in his work. At first, he only Kurt Cobain charity for living musicians. muttered under his breath Popular, all-American ‘secret Inventor, Grunge “I’m really concerned about that he didn’t want to talk this new wave of emo bands; about “that Hole whore.” their brand of self-loathing and After persistent question- ingredient’ makes exotic meal While content to see his misanthropy just reminds me ing, Cobain lit a cigarette and legacy growing strong even too much of a bad time in my took a long drag. “Let’s just Food Network finds creative use for pin-up chef after his 1994 suicide, Cobain life. I want to find a way to say that if God would let me is worried how his newly let the guy from My Chemical go back as a zombie like I BY SCOOTER her upcoming shows for Food publicized wealth will affect Romance know that there are asked, I already know what The Blair Witch Network. his friendships in star-stud- other ways to live besides exist- brain I’m going after first.” “She was running around, While the intention of creat- clucking and beating her arms ing a U.S. spin-off of the hit to imitate the chickens. She MOVIE REVIEW Japanese cooking show “Iron apparently became overexcit- Chef” may have been to show- ed and entered the slaughter- case America’s most popular house,” explained witness Sara Dude, ‘Saw III’ is really sick, man chefs, audiences watching last Moulton, who was recently night’s “Iron Chef America” on released from her Food Network BY SKEETER that kind of stick-it-to-The-Man the Food Network got a little contract after network execu- Best reviewer, like, probably ever attitude. Who needs acclaim? This closer to home than they might tives expressed disinterest in movie gives him so much more have been prepared for. The her “overly instructive and If I knew Darren Lynn Bousman, street cred. famous “secret ingredient” pre- informed TV persona.” director of “Saw III,” we would I would definitely give him a sented as the core component When “Iron Chef America” totally be BFF. It’s seriously amaz- high five for this one. He found for each of the show’s recipes cast member Alton Brown ing. I wanted to marry all of the the perfect combo of a trite, overly was the carcass of popular learned that Ray’s meat was to complicated plotline, no-name cooking diva and rising media be the featured ingredient, he sAw III bRaH characters and gratuitous violence star Rachael Ray. admits he thought twice, but to make me smile. I was kind of then realized the possibilities. sad, though, because I came in “Rachel is the perfect consis- expecting rainbows and bunnies “Rachel is the perfect tency for excellent fried dishes Starring Raven Simone, The like last time, but instead found it and for pressure cooker reci- to be a little bit bloody. I couldn’t consistency for excel- pes,” said Brown. She won’t be Midget From the James Bond even finish my nachos, God! lent fried dishes and too meaty, because she doesn’t Movies, A Jar of Oregano Darren’s real strength is his abil- actually work hard in the kitch- Directed by Steven Spielberg ity to come up with the perfect title. for pressure cooker en, and there’s nothing like a “Saw III” really captures the film’s recipes.” pressure cooker to break apart main characters — especially message. Roman numerals make it that aggressive mama.” Jigsaw (Tobin Bell)! I don’t really all seem so authoritative and stuff. Iron Chef Mario Batali, who know why though, so I should I would give him a job, man. Alton Brown has made a name for himself probably talk to my shrink about It also allows the film to appeal LIONSGATE Completely Unnecessary Host by preparing rare artisanal sau- that. to all audiences. Kids and adults Have you seen my Junior Mints? sages and using unusual meats I am in awe of the director’s of all ages like saws. The “Texas and animal parts in his cook- talent; he’s had a really impressive Chainsaw Massacre” films tend to Ranger” a few years ago. He was According to sources at ing, agreed with Brown that Ray’s film career. Well, maybe not an limit their scope with the inclusion really born to act. the Food Network’s kitchens, meat, while not a typical ingredi- extensive one, but at least he sticks of “chain.” It’s kind of intense, and The one bad thing about “Saw Ray ended up in the pressure ent choice for the show, provided with what he knows best, and by let’s be honest: I wouldn’t bring III” is that it dragged. Dragging is cookers of Iron Chef’s Kitchen a good opportunity to display the that, I mean SAWS. the kids I babysit to that disturbing so annoying! But since the director Stadium after a bizarre run-in advanced cooking techniques Darren’s other major film was piece of junk. “Saw III” strikes the and I are totally future BFFs, I think at a small organic poultry farm the chefs are capable of. “Saw II” (2005). Good thing he perfect chord of appeal and talent. I’ll let it slide. in upstate New York. Chicken “Rachel is a real girl-next- didn’t direct the first one, though, Tobin Bell, in his role as Jigsaw, To sum things up, if you really had been the intended ingre- door type, but I think we can only a poser would do that. I hate really highlights the clever psychol- like “The West Wing” or “Walker, dient for last night’s program, show tonight that mediocre people who try to follow cinemato- ogy behind his role. He has had a Texas Ranger” you should totally but as witnesses explain, Ray ingredients, under the hands graphic trends, like making inter- really good career. He was in an go see “Saw III.” It totally sends ended up in the slaughter- of real chefs, can turn into esting horror movies, for example. episode of “The West Wing” in 2002 similar messages and really hits house with the other chick- something actually palatable,” I like that he picked up the series (I LOVE THAT SHOW) and was in home, especially if you’re into ens during a shoot of one of Batali said. after it started to suck. I really value TWO episodes of “Walker, Texas woodworking and blood and stuff. INSIDE1 An inferior section 3 Not a crossword 3 Better than Arts Drivel 2 THE Tufts DAILY Tuesday, October 31, 2006 Why you shouldn’t mess with this Cowboy BY BRAMLET ABERCROMBIE as his pocket presence, Bledsoe Petty Bourgeois went to work on the task at hand. The Daily was afforded a rare With a mastery that he has treat to visit the home of Drew yet to ever show on the foot- Bledsoe on Halloween to find ball field, Bledsoe threw per- out just how a superstar quar- fect lobs of TP and laser blasts terback celebrates the most of eggshells that splattered all frightful night of the year. over his coach’s home. Looking Perhaps no one loves like the Peyton Manning of Halloween as much as Bledsoe. Halloween pranksters, Bledsoe His house was decorated with added the finishing touch by countless jack-O’-lanterns placing a rotten tuna in his when I arrived, each in the coach’s mailbox. likeness of his Dallas coach, “You don’t know how good Bill Parcells, or teammate Tony that felt,” Bledsoe giddily Romo. remarked as we left. “Drew “Nothing scarier than those Bledsoe doesn’t get benched by two, right?” Bledsoe mused as anyone. I did the same thing to he welcomed me into his home. Tom Brady’s house in 2001.” Bledsoe found this comment to Before returning home, be supremely amusing, as he Bledsoe ran up to a house that laughed manically, and repeat- had left candy on the front edly claimed, “No TDs and too stoop, returning with the entire many INTs make Drew a dull basket. As we turned to leave, a boy.” rare sight greeted us: a young Adorned all in black, Bledsoe fan dressed in number 11’s old claimed to be the “personifi- jersey from his New England cation of the failure and mis- days. ery that has haunted my entire “Nice outfit,” Bledsoe called career like death itself.” It was out to the kid. a thought-provoking costume, “Thanks, mister,” was the but its volume was muted when youth’s reply. Bledsoe’s wife forced him to As he turned, Bledsoe yelled wear his puffy Cowboys parka, back to the youngster and made so as “not to catch another to toss him a candy bar. cold,” she said. Bledsoe proceeded to hurl As we made to leave the a Snickers bar over the out- house, Bledsoe’s son came stretched fingers of the anxious scampering down the stairs to youth into the pleasantly sur- ask if his father would take him prised hands of a passer-by. trick-or-treating. “You throw like Drew “Not tonight, son,” Bledsoe RODGER MALLISON/MCT Bledsoe!” came the taunt of the replied. “Daddy’s got business Clearly, we know one individual that King Kong does not have shit on. Careful, Strahan, or your house might candy-less lad. to take care of tonight. Big boy be next to get the Bledsoe treatment this Halloween. A dejected Bledsoe then business.” returned home to restock on Bledsoe apparently sought indeed be “a big mistake.” With and I made our way to Parcells’ eggs,” Bledsoe questioned. eggs with the hopes of find- to make good on his threat that a backpack full of eggs and toi- nearby estate. “Over-easy, or all over his ing Tony Romo’s address on Parcells’ benching him would let paper, the disgruntled QB “I wonder how he likes his house?” Despite a wit as slow Mapquest. Everyone agrees Alex Rodriguez is clearly not on steroids

BY BIG BOOBS MCGEE six seasons would come under scrutiny. drugs are known to cause. Whereas play- to the flu that Rudy Giuliani was bat- Unimpressive But in 2006, Rodriguez’s production in ers like Mark McGwire and Jason Giambi tling last week,” said Arthur Martin of homeruns, batting average, slugging per- possessed imposing physiques at the New Rochelle, N.Y. “But I guess we have After a disappointing postseason and centage and runs batted in all dropped. height of their drug abuse, Rodriguez is to forgive him on this one. If he was on a down year statistically, fans and base- Rodriguez, the highest-paid player in one of the more diminutive power hit- steroids, he might have produced.” ball insiders have begrudgingly accepted the game, then followed up his sub- ters of his era. “You saw the way he tried to cheat that New York Yankees third baseman par regular season with an atrocious “Have you seen my head?” Rodriguez in 2004 against the Red Sox with that Alex Rodriguez is not taking perfor- postseason. In the American League said. “It’s not nearly big enough for me to slap,” said Vinny Mancini, a native of mance-enhancing substances. Divisional Series between the Yankees be taking steroids.” Hackensack, N.J. “Then again, he was “I really thought with his homerun and the Detroit Tigers, Rodriguez went 1- Many Yankees players, however, have slapping like a girl. Guys on steroids pace that he had to be on steroids,” said for-14, striking out four times. Manager shared a locker room with Rodriguez would have clothes-lined [Bronson] Peter Gammons, senior baseball writer Joe Torre dropped him to the eighth spot and have questioned the size of his tes- Arroyo.” for ESPN.com. “But [World Series MVP] for Game 4. ticles, leading to further steroid specula- However, the fan skepticism may have David Eckstein played better against the “I’m very happy that people have tion. been an effect of the negative media Tigers than he did. Maybe we should decided to stop accusing me of things I For Yankees fans, the realization has attention heaved at Rodriguez, said investigate him instead.” didn’t do,” Rodriguez said triumphantly been harder to take. Many of them were Gammons. In a decade where many of the in a press conference in New York last convinced the former shortstop, who “When you have Mike Lupica calling league’s best and brightest stars have week. “I can say honestly that I didn’t has 464 career homeruns and is on pace his mother a prostitute and Mike and the been accused of using steroids or other help this team win in 2006, didn’t con- to break Hank Aaron’s career home run Mad Dog saying they heard he abused drugs to improve their performances, tribute against the Tigers, and definitely record, was using steroids. children, it’s much easier to believe he it’s no surprise that Rodriguez, a two- didn’t take steroids.” “I’ve just gotten so used to blaming took steroids,” Gammons said. “The child time American League MVP who has led Rodriguez also lacks the physical him and accusing him of everything, abuse matter is still being looked into, the AL in homeruns in four of the past changes that performance-enhancing from the firing of Joe Girardi in Florida but the steroid rumor is definitely false.”

SPORTS IN BRIEF FITZGERALD AGREES TO RETURN PENDING JOE BUCK “APPALLED” BY PARCELLS’ MAN- WILLIAMS CALLS IT QUITS WITH NESCAC, 401(K) AGREEMENT BOOBS MAKES MOVE TO BIG EAST Fifth-year senior Brian Fitzgerald has agreed to return Legendary sportscaster Joe Buck went on an on-air NESCAC frontrunner Williams has decided that 2006 will be its to the men’s basketball team for the 2006-2007 season tirade during the Dallas Cowboys game Sunday, saying last season in Div. III. The college was invited to join the Big East last pending the results of current pension negotiations with that he’s “finally had it” with Dallas coach Bill Parcells’ month and has chosen to make the leap to Div. I competition. the team. man-boobs. “We held out as long as we could, but the competition around “I’m really excited to play again, but I’m at a point “I’ve held my tongue as long as I can, but come on!” this league is just pathetic,” Williams Athletic Director Harry Sheehy in my life where I need to start thinking about the long Buck ranted. “His hooters are as big as the cheerleaders’! I said. “You can only beat Hamilton so many times before the excite- haul,” Fitzgerald said. “I love the boys, and I believe I don’t care that he lives in Texas; polo shirts are not his look. ment wears off.” owe Amherst a thorough ass-whooping, but I’ve got And guess what? Cotton clings. Cover that up, man.” Many college sports insiders questioned the move, arguing that other things to consider right now, like financial secu- NFL commissioner Roger Goodwell has appointed a Williams, with its enrollment of just under 2,000 students, will rity.” task force to explore the possibility of a league-wide dress have trouble competing with the increased competition. Sheehy Fitzgerald has been meeting with coach Bob Sheldon and code. downplayed the concerns, though. members of the athletics administration to work out the Hanes reportedly contacted Parcells last week about an “Try to tell me we can’t beat DePaul, Seton Hall or South details and find a loophole to get around Div. III restrictions endorsement deal for their new “Manzier,” although officials Florida,” Sheehy said confidently. “Our women’s teams can beat against any financial compensation for play. commented that the product could be renamed “The Bro.” their men’s teams, and they know it.”