Avian Flu Hits the Hill!!!!
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Today: Partly Smokey High the ttuftsufts Tufts’ Student Tomorrow: Gossip Why is the sun dripping? Since 1980 High x+1 Low self asteem VOLUME AWESOME, NUMBER 666 ddailyaily HALLOWEEN 2006 daily adopts tufts’ AVIAN FLU HITS THE HILL!!!! new logo BY TOMMY PASTRAMI selves.” Primary Source Defect-ee The flu case has been attrib- the daily has elected to uted to an overseas trip by Dean adopt tufts’ new lowercase Apocalyptic mayhem, con- of Students Having Affairs Bryce logo.“nobody likes this logo, but tingency plans, and gas masks Leftman to the Democratic they put it all over the sweat- have entered Medford and Republic of the Congo. Leftman shirts,” says daily graphic designer Somerville. As the first wave of billed the trip as a chance for miss understood. “we don’t like it the avian flu pandemic hits the him to “better understand the either, so we decided to put it in twin city area, Tufts students disparity in housing costs in the paper.” are being ordered by the Federal dorms” like Wren and Sophia the daily has also announced Government to stay indoors Gordon. that it will be entirely eliminating under lock and key. “I initially went there to find the use of uppercase letters. In the first confirmed case out if our proposed abroad “now we can operate with of avian flu to hit the conti- dorm for our proposed Congo our crumbling 80’s era keyboards nental United States, Tufts campus should cost the same as none of the shift keys work,” miss University will be closed until living in Sophia Gordon,” Dean understood explained. “we can further notice, according to a Leftman said from his hospital also really push the envelope of direct order from the President’s bed. “Then I saw a chicken. I vomit-inducing, blood-curdlingly office. like chickens. I went over to it, trendy/emo graphic design.” “We are shutting down the then I knew I was through.” the decision comes on the campus indefinitely until we “How can you avoid chick- heels of rumors that tufts will be know for shizzle what the dilleo ens?” he asked. entirely ditching all capital letters is, yo,” said el-Presidente Bacow The H5N1b strain of avian in all material for the upcoming in a press conference on his flu has officials particularly capital campaign. punctuation is front lawn. He was sporting an perplexed: the World Health also rumored to be in line for the orange jumpsuit and purple-ish Organization (WHO?) confirmed ax. galoshes from Orvis. that in 2006 the strain spread “it’s all about the new student “Give me a little credit. If I from Southeast Asia to central strain of the avian flu,” President munching Doritos released to demographic,” consultant lobby wanted to kill the student body, Eurasia and killed 73 people. Bush said in a Rose Garden press Al-Jizz-er-AHHHH that the out- me ridiculous said, on retainer I could,” Bacow said at his press “Today, the gravest danger in conference yesterday. break at Tufts “is yet another sign with the university for $10 million. conference. “It’s not difficult; the war on terror, the gravest Saddam Hussein, from his that the great Satan is doomed... “punctuation is so last year it’s all because of the flu and lack of danger facing America and the jail cell modeled after a room ow look a chicken, how did he about speaking to them in their social life, they are killing them- world, is Dean Leftman and his in Wren, said in a tape while get in here?!” language lets hear out a big lol.” Carmichael Cockroaches found to be protected species; students relocated BY TOYOTA HIGHLANDER AND THE “These cockroaches are a protected spe- in a few short years.” added. HALLUCINATOR cies. Students, unfortunately, aren’t,” she Tufts Community Union President Until then, Queen suggested that the The 2006 series; Class A said. Mitch Robinson has called for a compro- few remaining Carmichael residents could While striving to protect the biodiver- mise. sleep outside of Sophia Gordon Hall. In a press conference held yesterday sity of the environment (also making sure “Maybe students can room with the “I mean, we installed waterless urinals. outside the battered hut that once was the spiders appeared undisturbed), the cockroaches. They’re just like regular Waterless urinals. Just keep saying that. Carmichael Hall, “housing” director students were relocated from their rooms. roommates except they tend to mate a The urinals, they do not have any a single Yasmin Queen announced the University’s Queen said this would be a temporary little bit more, so you should be ready to drop of water and yet the urine disap- new Cockroach Preservation Plan (CPP). solution, only lasting until her office can be sexiled once and a while.” pears,” she said. “Basically, we’ve been hearing a lot of fix the gaping structural damage caused “That’s what makes Tufts great. When one student complained that complaints from students about the cock- by the combination of the cockroaches Cooperation. Write that down. Harvard sleeping outside of the building would roach infestation in Carmichael,” Queen and flooding in Carmichael. doesn’t cooperate. Can’t we all just get not help, Queen vanished in a puff of told the Daily. “We’ve placed a mass order for Scotch along?” smoke after someone threw a bucket of But she said are some environmental tape,” the Queen assured the audience. “Did I mention that I just coughed? water at her. “I’m melting, melting!” she preservation issues are coming into play. “The building should be up and running You’re covering that tomorrow, right?” he exclaimed. Halloween on the hill: disaster! News feed’s got nothing on this looking disappointed. “Two hundred boxes BY PO PO of munchkins had been ordered, and there Do-nutter were none left when we arrived.” When the police unplugged the boombox Tufts University Police cut short Halloween and attempted to clear the area, the children on the Hill this weekend. Officers confiscated began rioting. scores of Juicy Juice boxes from a handful of When asked to spell ‘riot,’ the children said, rowdy future Tufts students celebrating the ‘r...’ and ran away, the Cap’n said. holiday in Carmichael Hall on Saturday. Upon being denied candy, many of the TUPD received the report at 10:00 am children became belligerent and destructive that an individual tore off his Spongebob of property. “One little girl even had a temper Squarepants costume and exposed himself. tantrum and threw a finely carved Jack o’ Upon arriving at the scene, the police Lantern,” the Cap’n said. found many of the kindergarteners running “It was a waste of a fine pumpkin,” he rampant and dancing to “Monster Mash.” said. “It was during quiet hours,” said Cap’n Bryce “Avian Flu” Leftman is sending a Keith Crunch. “There’s no excuse for that formal apology to the neighbors. “Due to the type of behavior.” Cap’n Crunch said that high number of complaints, we thought it the police also found an individual who had would be appropriate to send out a formal consumed excessive amounts of candy vom- apology on behalf of Tufts,” he said. “I mean, In response to the overwhelmingly negative student reaction to Facebook’s news feed iting in the corner, and that Tufts Emergency 10:00 on a Saturday morning. come on,” and other features, the Web site has created even more ways to stalk (and potentially Medical Services (TEMS) had to be called to he said. “It’s not like it was Spring Fling or bludgeon with a battle ax) your friends. his aid. Homecoming.” The newest features include an overhauled news feed that features live webcams in all “His mother was nowhere to be found,” “If only the freshman knew what Halloween members’ bedrooms as well as in the shower stalls. the Cap’n added. at Tufts used to be like,” said a slightly inebri- “I think it is extremely exciting, especially the shower cams,” junior Voi Errr said. The officers also scoured the floor, to no ated Eli Cohn, a senior. The number of groups protesting the action and claiming that they are the “official avail, for Dunkin Donuts, a typical Halloween “Back in my day, the parties from Friday petition to Facebook,” also sextupled. snack. “There had obviously been a high night would go until noon on Saturday, at Sextupled, good word. rate of consumption,” Cap’n Crunch said, least,” Cohn said, with a loud belch. Inside this issue Tuftsdaily.com Today’s Sections CROSSWORD?!?! Crazy Elephant claiming Where you read it first 1 Feature on the to be Jumbo raised from You mean you his dead attacked Tokyo want a cross But read this first 2 invisible man 8 this weekend in what can word puzzle? READ ME 2 You want to, really 2 only be referred to as “a Can you find it? Quasi-informative 3 Come on! 2 normal day in Japan”. Throw ball, fun 4 Don’t make me beg! 2 see NORMAL, page 8 see :( , page ? 2 Better than News THE Tufts DAILY Tuesday, October 31, 2006 THE Tufts DAILY Student has a funny name, inspires disbelief SHMITTTTTYYYYYYYY!!! Editor-in-Chief No, really ... it’s actually EDITORIAL his name. No joke. We swear. Kelly Kapowski Managing Editors Not quite gold BY CÉSAR CHAVEZ Revolutionary Mrs. Olmert Editorial Page Editors Serial Winker I’m a little girl! Don’t abduct me! Juniors and Perspective Leaders Don’t mess with Texas Katie Ray and Sarah Jacknis were amazed this summer when they first Fuck You, Have Meetings Executive News Editor Uphill saw their student list and realized they would be teaching a freshman Died of laughter News Editors by the name of “Cantwell Faulkner Talk you to death Muckenfuss IV.” Died with Abigail Mr.