Wo2 Episode 5

Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

WOODEN OVERCOATS EPISODE 2.5 – FLIP FLAP FLOP By T. A. Woodsmith

RECORDING SCRIPT

Rudyard Funn ~ FELIX TRENCH Antigone Funn ~ BETH EYRE Eric Chapman ~ TOM CROWLEY Georgie Crusoe ~ CIARA BAXENDALE Madeleine ~ BELINDA LANG Mayor Desmond Desmond ~ SEAN BAKER Audrey Warrington ~ FIZ MARCUS Miles Fahrenheit ~ BEN NORRIS Thomas Johnson ~ TIMOTHY BLOCK Agatha Doyle ~ ALISON SKILBECK Dr. Edgware ~ DAVID K. BARNES Jerry ~ MAXWELL TYLER

Disclaimer: All rights including but not limited to performance, production, and publication are reserved. www.woodenovercoats.com

1 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

PRE TITLES.

MADELEINE: (V.O.) Rudyard Funn runs a funeral home in the village of Piffling Vale. He used to run it by himself. He doesn’t anymore. Funn Funerals remains entirely unknown beyond the shores of Piffling. But it’s due to receive important guests – and a chance to impress the world…

THEME TUNE.

ANNOUNCER: Wooden Overcoats, created by David K. Barnes. Season Two Episode Five: Flip Flap Flop by T. A. Woodsmith.

SCENE 1.

FUNN FUNERALS KITCHEN.

MADELEINE: (VO.) Of course, Rudyard had no idea what the day would bring when he was sat at the breakfast table on Monday morning, sifting through the post.

RUDYARD: (SIGH) Bills, bills and more bills…

TOAST POPS UP.

ANTIGONE! Your toast is toasted! … Why, for once, can’t somebody send me a postcard, or a coupon, or a nice threatening chain letter?

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS.

ANTIGONE: (OFF) No no no no no (ENTERS) no no no no NO!

2 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

RUDYARD: Morning.

ANTIGONE: My toast, Rudyard! Couldn’t you have done something?

OPENS DRAWERS, SLAMS PLATE DOWN, CAUSES CHAOS.

RUDYARD: I know you’re jolly important around here these days but I’m not making breakfast for you.

ANTIGONE: Rudyard, when the toast pops up, there is a finite window of exactly eleven seconds in which the spreading of butter – which should be kept at room temperature – will be tolerated by the toast before it suicides into crumbly annihilation! Dear God, where are the knives?!

RUDYARD: Now there’s a sentence I never like to hear you say.

ANTIGONE: Rudyard!! The toast has got to be hot, but it’s not hot, it’s lukewarm, and because somebody put the butter in the fridge…

RUDYARD: That was Madeleine.

MOUSE: (SQUEAK)

ANTIGONE: … it’s now going to be impossible to ensure that the toast is… is… that the… the toast… the toast is…

FRANTIC BUTTERING. FAILURE. ANTIGONE DROPS KNIFE.

Why are things as they are?

3 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

RUDYARD: (DRY) You’re beginning to seem a little unstable.

DOOR OPENS.

GEORGIE: Hey everyone.

RUDYARD: Georgie, please tell me you’re having a good morning.

GEORGIE: Actually, it’s been a weird one: I overslept, stubbed my toe, and brushed my teeth with Vagisil.

RUDYARD: I don’t know what that is, but your teeth look very healthy.

ANTIGONE: Your morning’s been even worse than mine! I suppose you’ll want the day off so you can retreat to a darkened room with a Gothic horror novel and a box of dates?

GEORGIE: Nah, I’m alright.

ANTIGONE: Really?

GEORGIE: Yeah. Water off a duck’s back.

ANTIGONE: Does nothing ever faze you? How about… people’s eating noises? Bad grammar? Having to use public… lavatories?

GEORGIE: Nah. Life’s too short. Hey, what happened to this toast?

BREAD PUSHED DOWN IN TOASTER.

ANTIGONE: I’m making more. Leave me alone!

4 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

GEORGIE: Is she OK?

RUDYARD: (OPENING LETTER) She hasn’t been OK for thirty-five years, I don’t see why she ought to be now… Hang on, this looks interesting…

ANTIGONE: Shouldn’t you be with the Mayor this morning?

GEORGIE: Yeah, I just came by to confirm my schedule-

RUDYARD: Wait a minute.

GEORGIE: -so if you could take a quick look-

RUDYARD: Wait a minute wait a minute! (GROWING EXCITEMENT) This letter! Do you know what it says?

GEORGIE: No, I didn’t write it.

RUDYARD: After all this time – it’s finally happening! Antigone, Georgie: we’re going to get STIFF’D!

GEORGIE: (BEAT) Could you say that again, please?

RUDYARD: We’re going to get STIFF’D, on Friday! STIFF’D!

GEORGIE: Actually, the more you say it the more I don’t like it.

ANTIGONE: Wait, you’re not just being ludicrous – you mean the-

RUDYARD: Yes, the Society To Independent Funeral Firm Directors!

ANTIGONE: You mean they’re holding their conference on Piffling?

5 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

RUDYARD: Yes! And we’re hosting it!

ANTIGONE: (DELIGHTED) Rudyard!

GEORGIE: Could you look at my schedule please?

ANTIGONE: Do you remember the STIFF’D sticker albums we had when we were children?

RUDYARD: I still collect them on the side. Look.

ANTIGONE: (GASP) Shinies!

GEORGIE: OK, so these people are a big deal?

ANTIGONE: The biggest deal in the business!

RUDYARD: Get the nod from them and your practice will have international support. Finally, some recognition!

ANTIGONE: Professional esteem!

RUDYARD: Our noble industry, providing that wisp of continuity through the pain and the grief – I mean, you can’t beat it, can you? We ought to be knighted.

TOAST POPS UP.

GEORGIE: Toast’s up.

ANTIGONE: And you know the best thing, Rudyard?

RUDYARD: Yes! We’ve proven once and for all that we’re better than that asinine people-pleaser across the square!

6 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

ANTIGONE: May his shocking blue eyes be damned!

RUDYARD: What?

ANTIGONE: Nothing, shut up.

GEORGIE: Don’t you think it’s strange that Eric Chapman wasn’t asked to host the conference himself?

RUDYARD: Don’t be a traitor, Georgie, not today.

GEORGIE: Seeing as everybody loves him and everything-

RUDYARD: Georgie, he may have charisma and a bowling alley, but we get the body in the coffin in the ground on time.

GEORGIE: So does he.

RUDYARD: He copied us.

ANTIGONE: We need to roll out the red carpet on this one, Rudyard.

RUDYARD: As cheaply as we can, I agree.

GEORGIE: The toast’s getting cold-

ANTIGONE: We can do the reception here but what about the actual conference?

RUDYARD: The Village Hall?

ANTIGONE: You’ll need the Mayor’s permission. If anyone can help us get STIFF’D in a spectacular fashion, it’s him.

7 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

RUDYARD: Georgie, how about it? Can you get me an appointment?

GEORGIE: Sure. Tag along this morning.

ANTIGONE: It must be stressful, running between two jobs.

GEORGIE: Nah. Dead easy.

ANTIGONE: Bah – wa – do you have to be quite so unflappable?!

GEORGIE: Yep.

ANTIGONE: (SEETHE) For the love of-

RUDYARD: Antigone, stop seething and get planning. I’ll be back in an hour and I’ll expect to see some bunting plans.

ANTIGONE: Alright alright, let a woman have her breakfast first why don’t you – (GASP) my toast!

FAILED SPREADING.

No no no no no no no ohh FLIP!

GEORGIE: Would you like me to butter your toast for you?

ANTIGONE: Don’t patronise me!

GEORGIE: Fine-

ANTIGONE: I didn’t say no!

8 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

SCENE 2.

MADELEINE: (V.O.) It turned out that Georgie was great at buttering toast, and afterwards she took Rudyard to the Piffling bakery for an audience with Mayor Desmond Desmond…

BAKERY.

MAYOR: Good morning, Jerry. Just the croissant, I think.

JERRY: Like some jam with that, your worship?

MAYOR: Ooo no, I shouldn’t. Got the big weigh-in on Friday.

JERRY: Now that’s a shame. Because I’ve just put out a tray of my famous creamy éclairs…

MAYOR: Oh Jerry, you devil! How many points in one of these?

JERRY: One and a half?

MAYOR: … Go on then, quickly. Before she sees me.

DOOR OPENS.

GEORGIE: Mr Mayor!

MAYOR: Aargh!

GEORGIE: Put that éclair down! It must have at least ten points in it.

MAYOR: (MEEKLY) Jerry said it was one and a half-

9 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

GEORGIE: I don’t care what Jerry said – what kind of bakery are you running here, Jerry?

JERRY: Er, I’ll just get your croissant, your worship.

GEORGIE: And no jam!

JERRY: No jam, Miss Crusoe. Sorry.

MAYOR: You helped me dodge a bullet there, Miss Crusoe-

GEORGIE: We’ll have words about this, m’lad. Right now, Rudyard’s got something he wants to ask you.

MAYOR: Can’t you fob him off? I’d rather not see him.

RUDYARD: (CLEARS THROAT) Hello.

MAYOR: (JUMPS) Oh, dear! How embarrassing for both of us.

RUDYARD: I’d like to book the village Hall on Friday.

MAYOR: Why?

RUDYARD: Because I’m going to get STIFF’D.

MAYOR: Are you sure you want an audience for that?

GEORGIE: They’re a society of funeral people. VIPs.

RUDYARD: They’re holding their annual conference in Piffling Vale!

MAYOR: Oh, well then! We should get Eric to host it!

10 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

RUDYARD: No we shouldn’t.

MAYOR: He’d be very good.

RUDYARD: They’ve made me the host.

MAYOR: Well we could write to them, try and explain?

RUDYARD: No we can’t.

MAYOR: Yes I can, I’ve got a secretary.

RUDYARD: Now look here, I’m not going to sit back and watch Chapman getting STIFF’D when it should be me instead!

DOOR OPENS.

ERIC: My, this place is busy this morning.

RUDYARD: Chapman!

MAYOR: Eric! We were just talking about watching you get STIFFED!

ERIC: Sorry? Oh, STIFF’D! What a great gang.

MAYOR: They’re coming here on Friday – we were wondering if you’d like to host a conference for them.

RUDYARD: No we weren’t!

ERIC: Thank you, Des, I’d love to – but I can’t!

RUDYARD: What?

11 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

ERIC: I hosted it a few years ago and you’re only allowed to do it once.

MAYOR: Oh bother. We were so looking forward to it, weren’t we?

RUDYARD: Yes, because I’m the host this year! So there!

ERIC: That’s quite the honour, Rudyard! You’ll be doing the speech as well, then?

GEORGIE: What speech?

ERIC: Every host has to give the keynote address at the beginning of the conference. I’m happy to provide any help I can if you need it?

RUDYARD: Thank you but if there’s quite literally one thing I know about it’s undertaking.

ERIC: Still, public speaking’s a difficult beast, isn’t it? That balance between content and banter. I once had to give a TED talk about the Finnish Education System; I thought it’d make me a nervous wreck!

GEORGIE: It didn’t, though?

ERIC: No, it was fine. Real hoot.

RUDYARD: I won’t need any banter – my speech will have substance!

ERIC: A couple of jokes won’t hurt.

RUDYARD: Won’t they? Sometimes jokes cut deeper than steel.

12 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

ERIC: Right, well, I look forward to it anyway. We still on for Pétanque this morning, Des?

RUDYARD: Just a minute – can I have the hall on Friday or not?

MAYOR: Can he, Miss Crusoe?

GEORGIE: The conference room’s available, though the Tiddlywink Club need it from six.

RUDYARD: Who cares about them, eh?

MAYOR: I do, I’m the President.

RUDYARD: Then thank you, that’ll be fine. Don’t worry, your worship. I won’t let Piffling down!

DOOR OPEN.

JERRY: Your croissant, Mr Mayor.

MAYOR: Thank you, Jerry-

GEORGIE: Hold on, let me see that… Jam in the middle, I knew it!

MAYOR: I’ve been framed!

GEORGIE: Right, everybody, outside. You’re going to play the most intense game of Pétanque you’ve ever played.

13 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

SCENE 3.

FUNN FUNERALS

MADELEINE: (V.O.) Rudyard had escaped this grisly fate, and was free to work on his opus: the greatest and most informative speech ever delivered to a union of undertakers. But several days later, he seemed no closer to finishing it…

RUDYARD: “Fellow members of the industry, welcome to Piffling. I can assure you that your being here is no piffling concern.” Pause for laughter.

MORTUARY DOOR OPENS.

Ah, Georgie – I want you to tell me if this joke is merely funny or very funny; after all, I’ve got to pace myself.

GEORGIE: Sorry, I can’t stop. Antigone’s got me baking for the reception. She’s really ordering me around today.

RUDYARD: That must be stressful.

GEORGIE: That’s what she keeps telling me, but I’m not convinced. Anyway, those sausage rolls won’t make themselves.

RUDYARD: Sausage rolls? These people are sophisticated professionals. They respond to integrity, not party food.

GEORGIE: So are they snobs or just boring?

RUDYARD: I’m happy to say they’re both. Trust me, all they’ll need is a bottle of sherry between them.

14 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

GEORGIE: You’ve got twenty-five people coming.

RUDYARD: So make sure it’s a popular brand. Off you go.

ANTIGONE: (OFF) GEORGIE!

GEORGIE: I’m talking to Rudyard!

ANTIGONE: (OFF) Rudyard, refer to the schedule! Georgie’s mine for another three and a half minutes.

GEORGIE: See you in a mo, sir.

MORTUARY DOOR CLOSES.

RUDYARD: Oh well… “In the Domesday Survey of 1086, it states that Erneus de Brandon held four Carucates of land, named as Piffling Vale. And as one Carucate equates to nearly 120 acres, that’s no piffling concern!” Pause for laughter. …. Being this funny is hard work.

MORTUARY DOOR OPENS.

Ah, Georgie, do I have you now?

GEORGIE: Sorry, I’m back with you tomorrow morning – got to go to the Mayor’s office now.

RUDYARD: What about the baking?

GEORGIE: She’s changed her mind again. I spent the morning mastering the art of French Pastry and now she wants me to go and buy everything from Jerry instead.

15 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

RUDYARD: That’s incredibly frustrating for you.

GEORGIE: Nah. I’ve learnt a new skill. See you.

FRONT DOOR OPENS, CLOSES. MORTUARY DOOR OPENS.

ANTIGONE: Unbelievable. Not even a tut!

RUDYARD: Did you know Piffling doesn’t rhyme with anything? It’s like orange.

ANTIGONE: I made that girl bake thirteen separate batches of different fiddly pastries, whilst I told her all about my incredibly long-winded dream – in Latin – and she stayed calm through the whole thing. Not one feather ruffled. I don’t understand it.

RUDYARD: Aside from trying to frustrate our staff, are you doing anything useful?

ANTIGONE: Everything’s been organised – with no help from you!

RUDYARD: I’m writing the speech.

ANTIGONE: Speech, what speech?

RUDYARD: The keynote speech at the conference.

ANTIGONE: You’re doing a speech, what about me?

RUDYARD: You hate public speaking!

16 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

ANTIGONE: Yes I know but I like to be asked! We’re partners; I should contribute!

RUDYARD: You have – you’ve organised everything.

ANTIGONE: But if you give the speech, you’ll get the credit!

RUDYARD: Look, I’ll make sure to mention you in the closing paragraph, potentially even by name.

ANTIGONE: Rudyard, I have as much right to be the public face of this business as you do!

RUDYARD: Then make sure you’re on top form for the reception tomorrow. I expect it won’t last more than a few minutes.

SCENE 4.

MADELEINE: (V.O.) But when the eve of the conference arrived, the twenty-five delegates – what would you call it, a misery of undertakers? The Funeratti? I don’t know – they all descended upon Funn Funerals, and a single bottle of sherry began to look a little inadequate…

FUNN FUNERALS. CROWD HUBBUB.

ANTIGONE: Antigone Funn, joint proprietor of Funn Funerals… Yes we run it together… Yes, you will have to get your head round that… (FADE)

MILES: Hey, Rupert isn’t it?

17 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

RUDYARD: Rudyard.

MILES: Yeah, Rupert, haven’t got any gin tucked away have you? Me and the boys want a real drink, know what I mean?

RUDYARD: Indeed I do, Miles! And may I suggest a quite whimsical little sherry we picked up from the-

MILES: Yeah, we’re not ninety.

RUDYARD: Oh.

MILES: Yeah.

RUDYARD: We have a buffet?

MILES: I said we’re not ninety.

RUDYARD: I don’t quite see what you-

MILES: Yeah don’t worry about it - (CALL) Neil! Neil! He says it’s just the sherry… Just the sherry… Yeah I told him that.

RUDYARD: (SIGH)

ANTIGONE: (FADE IN) And I’ve always said it’s the details that really-

THOMAS: ‘Scuse me, sorry love, have you got any napkins?

ANTIGONE: I beg your pardon?

THOMAS: Sorry. Thomas Johnson, John Thomas and Sons. Nice to meet you – now, you got any napkins?

18 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

ANTIGONE: Yes, just over there, why?

THOMAS: My dad’s dribbling all over the place, look at him over there. Alright dad? Silly old sod, he’s one of the founding members. He lives for this conference, don’t ask me why.

ANTIGONE: I won’t.

THOMAS: You wouldn’t fancy slipping out for a pint somewhere? Full disclosure: I am married, but we’re on a break.

ANTIGONE: Why?

THOMAS: She kicked me out. I live in the Peugeot.

ANTIGONE: Yes, excuse me…

GEORGIE: I told you already! We’re out of cheese straws.

MILES: No cheese straws; call this a funeral parlour?

ANTIGONE: Georgie, we can’t afford to upset these people!

GEORGIE: It’s worse than a toddler’s birthday party – which I normally enjoy.

RUDYARD: Come on come on, look alive you two. I need to replenish the napkins, we’re out of raspberries, and there’s been a major spillage by the coffins.

A BOTTLE SMASHES.

MILES: (OFF) There goes the sherry!

19 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

RUDYARD: Have they entirely lost control? It’s like they’ve been reading about sport or something.

FRONT DOOR OPENS, BELL.

AUDREY: Welllllll well!

CROWD: (GASP, GO QUIET)

AUDREY: Here’s all the bloody dogs, what? (WOOFS)

CROWD: (LAUGH, SOME WOOFING, WOLF HOWLS)

GEORGIE: Who the Hell is that?

RUDYARD: Audrey Warrington! Society Chairperson for twenty years running. Greetings, Madam Chairperson!

AUDREY: That’s me, who are you?

RUDYARD: Rudyard Funn, welcome to Piffling Vale! May I say what an honour it is to host this event!

ANTIGONE: Rudyard!

RUDYARD: (ELBOWED) Ow! And this is my sister Antigone.

ANTIGONE: Joint Proprietor of Funn Funerals.

AUDREY: Are you? Personally, I’ve always found joint ownership a tricky concept. Especially between siblings.

RUDYARD: Really?

20 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

AUDREY: Never liked sharing, absolute nightmare. I used to have four sisters. (CLOSE) I don’t anymore.

MILES: Audreyyyyy!

AUDREY: You beast, Miles Farenheit – give me a squeeze! Ooop!

MILES / AUDREY: (LAUGH BOISTEROUSLY)

AUDREY: Be a dear and fetch me a glass of something scandalous.

MILES: There’s nothing left, right Rupert?

RUDYARD: The bottle broke, but we do have a buffet!

GEORGIE: Sausage roll?

AUDREY: Why’s it green?

GEORGIE: So it looks like grass, and the sausage is the corpse, like its been buried in a grave. Fun eh?

AUDREY: Oh, this is one of those ‘everyone’s still a bit sober beginning of the night’ jokes!

ANTIGONE: We have Coffin and Walnut cake if you prefer?

AUDREY: Now listen up, I’ve come three hundred miles to this festering little island and if I don’t have something strong and alcoholic in my hand in the next ten seconds I shall scream. IS THERE NO ONE CAPABLE OF GIVING ME WHAT I NEED?!

FRONT DOOR OPENS, BELL.

21 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

ERIC: Evening all!

RUDYARD: Well that was bound to happen.

MILES: Eric!

AUDREY: Eric?

ERIC: (GENUINE) Audrey! Oh my God, it’s been so long!

AUDREY: Everyone, everyone! (WHISTLES) EVERYONE!!!

CROWD: (GOES SILENT)

AUDREY: Eric’s here!

CROWD: (BEAT) (HUGE CHEER)

MILES: Rupert, you didn’t tell us Eric was here too!

RUDYARD: Yes, he always is. It’s actually a bit boring.

MILES: Yeah, what a legend – he gave the keynote speech back at STIFF’D ’08 and blew the roof off!

RUDYARD: (DULL) You don’t say?

AUDREY: Eric, you’ll help me won’t you? I’m your damsel in distress, and you never say no to me…

ERIC: Ha ha ha ha, yes, let’s forget the past – how can I help?

MILES: She’d like a drink, we all would.

22 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

ERIC: Well, I’m sure the Funns have it all under control-

AUDREY: They haven’t.

RUDYARD: (SIGH) / ANTIGONE: (MEWL) Ohhh!

ERIC: I mean, I have just opened up a new bar as part of the welcome lounge.

THOMAS: (BARGING IN) Did somebody say a bar?

ERIC: I’m happy to carry over a few bottles to help out?

ANTIGONE: That would actually be quite-

AUDREY: I’d rather you carried me to yours!

THOMAS: You wouldn’t say no to a pitch invasion would you, Eric?

ERIC: Oh, well, our door’s always open, but this really is meant to be about Funn Funerals.

AUDREY: I’m sure Rupert and thingy wouldn’t mind?

RUDYARD: I would.

MILES: You all heard the man – let’s get this show on the road!

CROWD: Hooray!!

HUBBUB AS EVERYONE LEAVES. SILENCE IN THE SHOP.

23 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

ERIC: (EMBARRASSED) Yes, right, um… You’re all invited too, of course... Um… Enjoy your, er… yes.

FRONT DOOR CLOSE, BELL.

GEORGIE: Anyone want a sausage roll?

RUDYARD: No.

GEORGIE: Good. ‘Cos they’re horrible.

SCENE 5.

MADELEINE: (V.O.) The Funns had seen their welcoming reception spirited away in front of their eyes. What else was there to do, besides take a few breaths, change into slippers, and begin scrubbing the humus out of the velvet.

ANTIGONE: (SCRUBBING) I didn’t even know we had humus.

GEORGIE: They smuggled it in under their hats.

ANTIGONE: It’s like they wanted us to be rubbish. They didn’t even give us a chance to mess it up!

GEORGIE: You haven’t, yet. Let them go and play with Eric for the night. We’ll impress them tomorrow.

ANTIGONE: You’re not even slightly agitated about today?

GEORGIE: Nope. Is it salt or white wine to get blood out of a carpet?

ANTIGONE: Neither, it’s mustard.

24 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

GEORGIE: Really?

ANTIGONE: Give it a go.

GEORGIE SCRUBBING

Oh no, Georgie, look, you’re just making it worse! You must be feeling very flustered mustn’t you?

GEORGIE: What gets out mustard?

ANTIGONE: Ketchup.

GEORGIE: You sure-

ANTIGONE: Let’s see what happens.

KETCHUP SQUIRT. SCRUBBING.

Oh dear.

GEORGIE: God, I’m making a right royal mess of this carpet.

ANTIGONE: You must feel like no matter how hard you scrub it just keeps getting worse and you want to throw yourself into the lake?

GEORGIE: Nah. I’ve got a steam cleaner at home, I’ll bring it round in the morning. Fix it no problem.

ANTIGONE: (BEAT) Does nothing – ever – flap you? Nothing? Nothing? Nothing at all?

25 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

GEORGIE: No. But then I’m not running my family business. You’ve got a lot of responsibility, no wonder you’re a bit of a mess.

ANTIGONE: Whatdyoumean, how dare you, I’ll show you a bit of a – no you’re absolutely right, I am, sorry.

GEORGIE: Look, you can’t show off with buffets and sherry – you need to show them your innovation. Your craft.

ANTIGONE: … My embalming fluids?

GEORGIE: Bingo. Give ‘em the full range tomorrow. They’d get any undertaker going, they would.

ANTIGONE: Yes, that could… actually work… Thank you, Georgie. And, erm… sorry. For trying to stress you out.

GEORGIE: Is that what you’ve been doing?

ANTIGONE: (BEAT) No I haven’t, that’d be ridiculous, ignore me.

RUDYARD: (ENTERS) Straw poll, which sounds better: “Piffling’s cobbled streets conceal labyrinthine treasures” or “Labyrinthine treasures lay beneath these cobbled streets?” Or should I avoid the sewerage altogether?

GEORGIE: Sir: go with what your heart tells you.

RUDYARD: (BEAT) You’re right, Georgie. I’m going to use both.

ANTIGONE: Rudyard, you’ve been writing that speech non-stop for days, surely you’ve got enough by now?

26 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

RUDYARD: I’m still setting the scene!

ANTIGONE: How long is it so far?

RUDYARD: Twenty pages – here’s an index.

ANTIGONE: This speech will take hours to get through!

RUDYARD: If a job’s worth doing, it’s worth doing as thoroughly as you possibly can, because God knows this is my only chance to talk about the history of our macramé trade.

GEORGIE: Antigone’s right – why don’t you let me edit the speech while you go over the square to have a drink?

RUDYARD: But I’m in my pyjamas! It’s nine o’clock – do you really think they’re still awake?

ANTIGONE: One threw up outside our door three minutes ago.

RUDYARD: Should I send for the doctor?

GEORGIE: No, Rudyard. Just go and get hammered.

RUDYARD: Now look here, Georgie. I shall have a glass of milk and they can think themselves lucky. I’d better get dressed. (OFF) Where’s my jacket gone?

GEORGIE: (CALL) We’re scrubbing the floor with it-

ANTIGONE: No, don’t tell him that.

27 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

SCENE 6.

MADELEINE: (V.O.) A few minutes later, Rudyard arrived in his shirtsleeves at Chapman’s, took the lift to the fifth floor and boarded the monorail to the wine bar. As he lurked outside the door, he could hear the rowdy hubbub of drunken undertakers coming from within.

RUDYARD: Here we go, Madeleine. Wish me luck.

MOUSE: (SQUEAK SQUEAK)

DOOR PUSHED OPEN. ROWDY BAR CROWD. THOMAS SINGING “ROLL OUT THE COFFIN” FOR A FEW LINES, CROWD CHEERS.

RUDYARD: Madeleine… This looks terrible.

MILES: Hey Rupert!

RUDYARD: Oh, hello Miles.

MILES: Hey everyone!

CROWD QUIETENS.

Rupert’s here!

NO REACTION. CROWD NOISE RESUMES.

RUDYARD: Yay. Go Rupert.

28 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

MILES: What you drinking?

RUDYARD: Oh, thank you, I’ll have a glass of milk.

MILES: Ha! Classic. (CALLS) Couple of gin cocktails over here!

RUDYARD: Oh, no, actually I don’t-

MILES: Audrey’s been doing impressions of some of the, er, “dead men walking.”

RUDYARD: Dead men walking?

MILES: Speakers we’ve had in the past. There was this one guy, lost his bottle right there on the podium. Shook so hard his fillings dropped out! Hey, Audrey!

AUDREY: What is it, you little brute?

MILES: Do the funny guy! It’s hilarious, Rupert.

AUDREY: Rupert doesn’t want to hear about Funny Franklin. You’re probably nervous about tomorrow aren’t you?

RUDYARD: I suppose just a little-

AUDREY: I’m sure you’ve got nothing to w w w w w w worry about!

MILES: Hahahahahahah!

RUDYARD: (WEAKLY) Ha ha ha ha.

AUDREY: That was ’91 I think. Had to be carried away on a stretcher. (CLOSE) We never saw him again.

29 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

RUDYARD: Well that’s encouraging.

MILES: (CALLS, HITTING BAR) Where’s those drinks?

ERIC: (DRUNK) Ccccccoming up, Miles.

MILES: Chappendale, you legend!

ERIC: Audrey, they’re asking for our duet again.

AUDREY: Christ’s nipples, I need you, Eric. I’ll be the Bono to your Cher any day!

MILES / AUDREY / ERIC: (RAUCOUS LAUGHTER)

RUDYARD: (BEAT) If there’s a glass of milk going, I’ll-

ERIC: Rudyard! You came!

RUDYARD: Yes.

ERIC: I missed you, you big bear – come ‘ere!

ERIC GIVES RUDYARD A FORCEFUL MAN HUG

RUDYARD: Oof. Steady, steady on there, Chapman.

ERIC: Rudyard.

RUDYARD: Yes?

ERIC: Rudyard.

30 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

RUDYARD: What?

ERIC: They don’t think we like each other! But we do, don’t we? Deep down, it’s just a joke – you’re a brilliant man, somehow, I know you are.

RUDYARD: Well, thank you, Chapman. You are also a… man.

ERIC: (LAUGHS) See? What a joker. I need to pee.

RUDYARD: Delightful.

AUDREY: (OFF) And then you can dig out your guitar, you darling.

ERIC: (OFF) I don’t think my guitar is drinking today.

RUDYARD: Can I ask: when Chapman did his conference speech, what was it about?

MILES: Now there’s a question. Tom! Eric’s speech?

THOMAS: Eric’s speech! Oh! It lives on in my dreams!

MILES: The thing is, the big secret is, there is no secret. You know? Keep it light, but still, like, totally emotional.

THOMAS: I didn’t know Eric then, but by the time he was finished, I felt like he’d touched a part of me no one had ever touched before, a place I didn’t even know needed touching. It genuinely changed my life.

RUDYARD: But what was it actually about-

31 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

MILES: And the song! Oh the song was brilliant.

RUDYARD: There was a song?

MILES: How did it go? “It’s a funny little thing about life You’re consumed by the challenge and strife If you ya di ya di daa did a de dah something something

MILES & THOMAS: “Just make that chaaaaange” (COLLAPSE INTO FOND LAUGHTER)

THOMAS: You got a song, Rupert?

RUDYARD: No.

MILES: Some funny stories?

RUDYARD: No.

THOMAS: Impressions?

RUDYARD: None of those, no.

MILES: So what are you gonna do?

RUDYARD: Local history.

THOMAS: (BEAT) You know, Rupert, it’s against the rules, but if you wanted – and just because it’s you – I’d be happy to let Eric take over the speech for you.

RUDYARD: I’m content with the speech, thank you.

32 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

THOMAS: (FAINTLY MENACING) Just so long as we’re happy too, Rupert. ‘Cos us undertakers are a tough crowd.

RUDYARD: (INTIMIDATED) Right.

ERIC: (OFF) Everybody! Everyone!

GUITAR STRUM.

Thank you. Now, I just wanted to say… I just wanted to say… I – I just wanted to say, to you, here… I can’t bloody remember!

CROWD: (RAUCOUS LAUGHTER)

ERIC AND HIS GUITAR FALL OVER INTO THE BAR.

RUDYARD: Getting a little bit hairy, isn’t it? We should probably turn in soon.

MILES: Yeah, yeah. No, you’re right - big day tomorrow.

RUDYARD: That’s it, Miles! Time for us all to head off to Bedfordshire!

THOMAS: Tell you what, you go ahead. We’ll all just get our coats.

RUDYARD: As you like, Thomas! Goodnight, then!

THOMAS / MILES: ‘Night.

RUDYARD: Right. Good.

OPENS DOOR. RUDYARD WALKS

OUT INTO CORRIDOR. DOOR CLOSES.

RUDYARD: (HAPPY SIGH)

CROWD: (PAUSE) (MUFFLED) Hooray!!!

PARTY CONTINUES.

RUDYARD: (SAD SIGH)

MADELEINE: (V.O.) Those muffled tones of friendship faded into the night, leaving Rudyard alone once more.

SCENE 7.

MADELEINE: (V.O.) The sun rose again on Piffling Vale, though for some it had been a sleepless night. At the entrance to the conference room stood a spotlessly clean table festooned with silk, holding the wares of one Ms Antigone Funn.

DOORWAY, CONFERENCE ROOM

ANTIGONE: They’ll be here any minute… Relax, you can do this… Oh God, I’ve forgotten my name!

GEORGIE: Stop panicking.

ANTIGONE: Do you think they’re going to like me? I mean them? Them. Do you think they’re going to like them?

GEORGIE: Who doesn’t like scented embalming fluids?

ANTIGONE: I’ve no idea! The only person who’s ever mentioned them to my face before is…

GEORGIE: Who?

ANTIGONE: Oh… nothing.

DOORS OPEN. HUNGOVER DELEGATES FILE IN.

Sod it, here they are. I just want to kill them.

GEORGIE: Don’t do that – let’s try this: (CALL) Hey you lot! Rise and shine! Get your free samples of Stiff Sniff right here!

ANTIGONE: Stiff sniff?!

GEORGIE: Got to call ‘em something.

MILES: (HUNGOVER) Morning – ow. Where do we sit down?

GEORGIE: You got a few minutes.

MILES: Please stop shouting.

ANTIGONE: I’m not.

MILES: I said please stop- owww.

THOMAS: God, what is that pong?

ANTIGONE: This is my full range of scented embalmi-

THOMAS: Oh, hair of the dog? Don’t mind if I do.

ANTIGONE: No no, don’t drink tha-

GEORGIE: Antigone… let the man drink.

THOMAS: Your health. (CHUGS)

AUDREY: Good Lord, is Thomas still at it? What’s he drinking?

ANTIGONE: Embalming fluid.

THOMAS: (SPITS OUT FLUID)

MILES: Ahahahah-owwww!

AUDREY: What are these?

ANTIGONE: Just something I design to make the bodies smell nicer. Cinnamon-Maple, Lavender-Rose, Blueberry Muffin-

AUDREY: What’s this one? Formaldehyde and oranges?

ANTIGONE: It’s called Formarmalade. For those early morning burials.

AUDREY: Who wants to go around smelling bodies all day? Besides Thomas.

THOMAS: (DEFENSIVE) The first time was for a bet.

ANTIGONE: I just think it improves the experi-

MILES: Hey, how’d you get on with Eric last night, Aud?

AUDREY: (STONY) Let’s just say the magic’s gone.

MILES: That doesn’t sound like you.

AUDREY: Oh shut up, Miles, you don’t know what magic is. I suppose we’d all better pour ourselves into the hall?

THOMAS: In, out, no fuss.

AUDREY: Sounds like Miles.

MILES: Hey!

ANTIGONE: A sample before you go-

AUDREY: Yes, best of luck with the candles, girls. Come on.

DELEGATES ALL EXIT.

ANTIGONE: They’re scented embalming… oh what’s the point.

GEORGIE: Bloody snobs! Still, wasn’t a complete disaster. You got that scab to drink scented formaldehyde.

RUDYARD: (EXHAUSTED) Antigone, Georgie.

ANTIGONE: Rudyard, where have you been? You look dreadful.

RUDYARD: I’ve been up all night working on a back-up plan in case the speech doesn’t grab them.

ANTIGONE: You could just collapse?

RUDYARD: That’s the other back-up plan. Everyone here?

GEORGIE: All except Chapman. He’s in the bathroom.

GENTS DOOR OPENS.

ERIC: (HUNGOVER) H….h… hello… everyone.

GEORGIE: Y’alright, Eric?

ERIC: I am... feeling… a little worse for wear.

RUDYARD: HALLO CHAPMAN!

PATS ERIC ON BACK A LOT.

I’M SORRY YOU’RE NOT WELL.

ERIC: Aughh. I… I’m… Excuse me sorry!

ERIC BURSTS INTO GENTS.

RUDYARD: Ahh! Today’s already a favourite.

AUDREY: (OFF) Everybody, hello, if you could please just slump into your seats, we’re about to begin.

GEORGIE: Sounds like your cue, sir. Knock ‘em dead.

ANTIGONE: Hope you have more luck than I did…

PEOPLE TAKING THEIR SEATS.

AUDREY: Good morning, everyone. To open STIFF’D 16, please give a warm hand for Mayor Desmond Desmond.

APPLAUSE.

MAYOR: Thank you, whoever you are. Hello one and all, and I’m thrilled to welcome you all to the Piffling Conference of the er… the er… Of the stiff people.

THOMAS: (CALL) STIFF’D.

MAYOR: Say that again and I’ll take you outside.

MILES: (CALL) It’s called STIFF’D.

MAYOR: It’s called bloody rude, that’s what I call it! I don’t know who you people are, but this is my village – and we’re very nearly a town!

THOMAS: (CALL) No you’re not.

MAYOR: What?! You sit there and say to me – you’re not even wearing a tie – I don’t need to stay here and be insulted…

AUDREY: Thank you, Mr Mayor.

MAYOR: (OFF, WALKING TO EXIT) How many bloody undertakers do we need around here anyway, I shall write to myself and complain –

DOORS SLAM.

AUDREY: (BEAT) Yes, and here to deliver the keynote address, it’s Rupert Funn of Funny Funerals.

POLITE CLAPPING.

RUDYARD: Ah, thank you, and hello. My name is… Rupert Funn… And I am the proprietor-

ANTIGONE: (CALL) AHEM!

RUDYARD: One of the proprietors of Funn Funerals, here in Piffling Vale. And may I say, continuing a family tradition many centuries in the making is an honour I do not undertake lightly. (PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER) Well, there has been a Funeral Home on our site since the fifteenth century. How we do know this? Lots and lots of paperwork - but don’t worry, I’m not going to bore you with that now.

THOMAS: Thank Christ!

RUDYARD: Quite. That would be a, er, a - a grave task indeed.

A COUGH. PAGES TURN.

Perhaps I should skip ahead.

THOMAS: (CALL) Why not skip to the end of the whole thing?

CROWD SNIGGER.

RUDYARD: For-for-for me, there is one thing that should not be undervalued in our industry, and that is efficiency. You’ve got to get the body in the coffin in the ground on time.

THOMAS: I wish he’d buried this speech with it.

CROWD LAUGHTER.

RUDYARD: Because the hard truth of our work is that no one ever really wants to spend any time with us. We are solitary figures upon the communal landscape – and that is our duty. To not intrude. To do things correctly, without fuss. We symbolise a subject that many would prefer to ignore-

THOMAS: (CALL) I’d prefer to ignore you!

CROWD LAUGHTER

MILES: Yeah! (CALL) Rupert Funn, he’s no fun!

RUDYARD: Alright, my name is Rudyard, you hear me, Rudyard?

THOMAS: Like Kipling?

RUDYARD: Now look here. Could we just get back to…

THOMAS: You’re telling me he’s Mr Kipling?

AUDREY: Haha! How exceedingly good!

RUDYARD: Yes, yes, ha ha, but seriously-

AUDREY: I say, Kipling!

RUDYARD: Yes?

AUDREY: Show us your buns!

CROWD LAUGH.

GEORGIE: Oi, you lot! Shut it! Keep going, sir!

RUDYARD: Georgie, I… I don’t think I can.

GEORGIE: What? Why?

MILES: Oh no. He’s going to bottle it! Like Funny Franklin!

RUDYARD: I… I…

THOMAS: Who had three minutes, forty seconds?

CROWD LAUGHS.

RUDYARD: (PAUSE) Georgie. Pass me that mandolin.

CROWD SHIFT, UNEASILY.

GEORGIE: Sir, are you sure about this?

RUDYARD: Yes, Georgie. Yes I am.

MANDOLIN STRUMS.

RUDYARD: (CLEARS THROAT) OK.

(SINGS:) To be an undertaker Sometimes it kind of makes ya Want to be the one that’s dead.

HORRIBLE SILENCE.

MILES: BOO!

RUDYARD: It can be so very lonely When you feel that you’re the only One who’s stuck inside your head.

I’m surrounded by corpses But the truth here of course is I get the body in the coffin In the ground on time Yes the ground on time We get the body in the coffin In the ground on time Yeah yeah yeah yeah – where are you all going?

CHAIR SCRAPES AS CROWD BEGIN LEAVING ANGRILY.

GEORGIE: Where do you lot think you’re going?

THOMAS: We’re getting off this bloody island.

A BOTTLE IS THROWN.

RUDYARD: Hey! That bottle was on fire!

GEORGIE: Now listen up! This man may not be very funny or very interesting but he’s put his heart and soul into this conference. So you’re going to sit there and listen to the song, and when he’s finished you’re going to clap. You got that? I said, you got that?

AUDREY: That man has been without doubt the worst host in the history of STIFF’D.

THOMAS: Him and his creepy sister.

MILES: Yeah! It’s like they didn’t even try!

GEORGIE: Didn’t even try?... Didn’t… even… try?

AUDREY: Why are you looking at us like that? It’s scary.

GEORGIE: YOU WERE WARNED!

RUDYARD: Georgie, they’re going to love the middle eight, so-

GEORGIE: LET’S DO THIS! RAAAARGH!

GEORGIE PUNCHES MILES IN THE JAW, STARTING A HUGE MASS RIOT.

RUDYARD: Oh dear…

SCENE 8.

MADELEINE: (V.O.) Twenty minutes later, the conference room was a smouldering battlefield, strewn with the bruised and groaning bodies of the STIFF’D. Rudyard and Antigone perched miserably on the edge of the podium, as Piffling’s only physician, Dr. Edgware, surveyed the carnage before him.

DR. EDGWARE: Change and decay in all around I see and all of it caused by Rudyard Funn.

ANTIGONE: It’s not his fault!

RUDYARD: I just sang a song and played some music.

DR. EDGWARE: Yes, thank you, I’m a doctor, I know that twenty-five people don’t break their own legs because somebody plays a mandolin, but – it may be considered provocative.

RUDYARD: Georgie lost control, that’s all.

ANTIGONE: Nice to know she’s not entirely unflappable.

DR. EDGWARE: Where is she now?

RUDYARD: Agatha Doyle seems to have her in check.

AGATHA: (OFF) Come along, Miss Crusoe! A few days in solitary ought to put you right.

GEORGIE: (OFF) You won’t hold me, Doyle!

AGATHA: (OFF) Yes I will.

DR. EDGWARE: If you’ll excuse me, I have a lot of patients who require my attention. But if you ever cross my path like this again, Rudyard, I’ll put you into intensive care myself.

RUDYARD: Well that’ll just give you more work to do.

DR. EDGWARE: (PAUSE) I’m done here.

THOMAS: (OFF) I can’t feel my legs!

DR. EDGWARE: I’ll remove them in a moment.

RUDYARD: I suppose we’d better retrieve Georgie.

ANTIGONE: Agreed… For what it’s worth, Rudyard, I liked the speech.

RUDYARD: Did you?

ANTIGONE: Sort of. Once it got going.

RUDYARD: Didn’t change anything, though, did it? Popularity eludes us still... It certainly eludes me… Still, at least there’s one consolation. Chapman couldn’t have escaped that riot without at least a broken nose.

DOOR OPENS

ERIC: Sometimes you feel better once you’ve actually been sick, don’t you. Oh. Crikey… What did I miss?

RUDYARD: (SIGH)

THEME MUSIC.

ANNOUNCER: Flip Flap Flop was written by T. A. Woodsmith, and edited by David K. Barnes. It was performed by Felix Trench as Rudyard, Beth Eyre as Antigone, Tom Crowley as Eric, Ciara Baxendale as Georgie, Sean Baker as the Mayor, Fiz Marcus as Audrey, Ben Norris as Miles, Timothy Block as Thomas, Alison Skilbeck as Agatha Doyle, David K. Barnes as Dr. Edgware, and Belinda Lang as Madeleine, with additional voices by Holly Campbell, Pip Gladwin and Maxwell Tyler. Special thanks go to Eugenia Low. Original music composed by James Whittle and the production manager was Elizabeth Campbell. The programme was recorded at ArtSpace Studios by Tom Gillieron, and directed and produced by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.