Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017 WOODEN OVERCOATS EPISODE 2.5 – FLIP FLAP FLOP By T. A. Woodsmith RECORDING SCRIPT Rudyard Funn ~ FELIX TRENCH Antigone Funn ~ BETH EYRE Eric Chapman ~ TOM CROWLEY Georgie Crusoe ~ CIARA BAXENDALE MadeLeine ~ BELINDA LANG Mayor Desmond Desmond ~ SEAN BAKER Audrey Warrington ~ FIZ MARCUS MiLes Fahrenheit ~ BEN NORRIS Thomas Johnson ~ TIMOTHY BLOCK Agatha Doyle ~ ALISON SKILBECK Dr. Edgware ~ DAVID K. BARNES Jerry ~ MAXWELL TYLER Disclaimer: All rights including but not limited to performance, production, and publication are reserved. www.woodenovercoats.com 1 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017 PRE TITLES. MADELEINE: (V.O.) Rudyard Funn runs a funeraL home in the viLLage of PiffLing VaLe. He used to run it by himseLf. He doesn’t anymore. Funn FuneraLs remains entireLy unknown beyond the shores of PiffLing. But it’s due to receive important guests – and a chance to impress the world… THEME TUNE. ANNOUNCER: Wooden Overcoats, created by David K. Barnes. Season Two Episode Five: Flip Flap Flop by T. A. Woodsmith. SCENE 1. FUNN FUNERALS KITCHEN. MADELEINE: (VO.) Of course, Rudyard had no idea what the day wouLd bring when he was sat at the breakfast tabLe on Monday morning, sifting through the post. RUDYARD: (SIGH) BiLLs, biLLs and more biLLs… TOAST POPS UP. ANTIGONE! Your toast is toasted! … Why, for once, can’t somebody send me a postcard, or a coupon, or a nice threatening chain Letter? RUNNING FOOTSTEPS. ANTIGONE: (OFF) No no no no no (ENTERS) no no no no NO! 2 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017 RUDYARD: Morning. ANTIGONE: My toast, Rudyard! CouLdn’t you have done something? OPENS DRAWERS, SLAMS PLATE DOWN, CAUSES CHAOS. RUDYARD: I know you’re joLLy important around here these days but I’m not making breakfast for you. ANTIGONE: Rudyard, when the toast pops up, there is a finite window of exactLy eLeven seconds in which the spreading of butter – which shouLd be kept at room temperature – will be toLerated by the toast before it suicides into crumbLy annihiLation! Dear God, where are the knives?! RUDYARD: Now there’s a sentence I never Like to hear you say. ANTIGONE: Rudyard!! The toast has got to be hot, but it’s not hot, it’s Lukewarm, and because somebody put the butter in the fridge… RUDYARD: That was MadeLeine. MOUSE: (SQUEAK) ANTIGONE: … it’s now going to be impossibLe to ensure that the toast is… is… that the… the toast… the toast is… FRANTIC BUTTERING. FAILURE. ANTIGONE DROPS KNIFE. Why are things as they are? 3 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017 RUDYARD: (DRY) You’re beginning to seem a LittLe unstabLe. DOOR OPENS. GEORGIE: Hey everyone. RUDYARD: Georgie, pLease teLL me you’re having a good morning. GEORGIE: ActuaLLy, it’s been a weird one: I overslept, stubbed my toe, and brushed my teeth with VagisiL. RUDYARD: I don’t know what that is, but your teeth Look very heaLthy. ANTIGONE: Your morning’s been even worse than mine! I suppose you’Ll want the day off so you can retreat to a darkened room with a Gothic horror noveL and a box of dates? GEORGIE: Nah, I’m aLright. ANTIGONE: ReaLLy? GEORGIE: Yeah. Water off a duck’s back. ANTIGONE: Does nothing ever faze you? How about… peopLe’s eating noises? Bad grammar? Having to use pubLic… Lavatories? GEORGIE: Nah. Life’s too short. Hey, what happened to this toast? BREAD PUSHED DOWN IN TOASTER. ANTIGONE: I’m making more. Leave me aLone! 4 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017 GEORGIE: Is she OK? RUDYARD: (OPENING LETTER) She hasn’t been OK for thirty-five years, I don’t see why she ought to be now… Hang on, this Looks interesting… ANTIGONE: ShouLdn’t you be with the Mayor this morning? GEORGIE: Yeah, I just came by to confirm my scheduLe- RUDYARD: Wait a minute. GEORGIE: -so if you couLd take a quick Look- RUDYARD: Wait a minute wait a minute! (GROWING EXCITEMENT) This Letter! Do you know what it says? GEORGIE: No, I didn’t write it. RUDYARD: After aLL this time – it’s finaLLy happening! Antigone, Georgie: we’re going to get STIFF’D! GEORGIE: (BEAT) CouLd you say that again, pLease? RUDYARD: We’re going to get STIFF’D, on Friday! STIFF’D! GEORGIE: ActuaLLy, the more you say it the more I don’t Like it. ANTIGONE: Wait, you’re not just being Ludicrous – you mean the- RUDYARD: Yes, the Society To Independent FuneraL Firm Directors! ANTIGONE: You mean they’re hoLding their conference on PiffLing? 5 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017 RUDYARD: Yes! And we’re hosting it! ANTIGONE: (DELIGHTED) Rudyard! GEORGIE: CouLd you Look at my scheduLe pLease? ANTIGONE: Do you remember the STIFF’D sticker aLbums we had when we were chiLdren? RUDYARD: I stiLL coLLect them on the side. Look. ANTIGONE: (GASP) Shinies! GEORGIE: OK, so these peopLe are a big deaL? ANTIGONE: The biggest deaL in the business! RUDYARD: Get the nod from them and your practice wiLL have internationaL support. FinaLLy, some recognition! ANTIGONE: ProfessionaL esteem! RUDYARD: Our noble industry, providing that wisp of continuity through the pain and the grief – I mean, you can’t beat it, can you? We ought to be knighted. TOAST POPS UP. GEORGIE: Toast’s up. ANTIGONE: And you know the best thing, Rudyard? RUDYARD: Yes! We’ve proven once and for aLL that we’re better than that asinine peopLe-pLeaser across the square! 6 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017 ANTIGONE: May his shocking bLue eyes be damned! RUDYARD: What? ANTIGONE: Nothing, shut up. GEORGIE: Don’t you think it’s strange that Eric Chapman wasn’t asked to host the conference himseLf? RUDYARD: Don’t be a traitor, Georgie, not today. GEORGIE: Seeing as everybody Loves him and everything- RUDYARD: Georgie, he may have charisma and a bowLing aLLey, but we get the body in the coffin in the ground on time. GEORGIE: So does he. RUDYARD: He copied us. ANTIGONE: We need to roLL out the red carpet on this one, Rudyard. RUDYARD: As cheapLy as we can, I agree. GEORGIE: The toast’s getting coLd- ANTIGONE: We can do the reception here but what about the actuaL conference? RUDYARD: The ViLLage HaLL? ANTIGONE: You’LL need the Mayor’s permission. If anyone can heLp us get STIFF’D in a spectacuLar fashion, it’s him. 7 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017 RUDYARD: Georgie, how about it? Can you get me an appointment? GEORGIE: Sure. Tag aLong this morning. ANTIGONE: It must be stressfuL, running between two jobs. GEORGIE: Nah. Dead easy. ANTIGONE: Bah – wa – do you have to be quite so unfLappabLe?! GEORGIE: Yep. ANTIGONE: (SEETHE) For the Love of- RUDYARD: Antigone, stop seething and get pLanning. I’LL be back in an hour and I’LL expect to see some bunting plans. ANTIGONE: Alright aLright, Let a woman have her breakfast first why don’t you – (GASP) my toast! FAILED SPREADING. No no no no no no no ohh FLIP! GEORGIE: WouLd you Like me to butter your toast for you? ANTIGONE: Don’t patronise me! GEORGIE: Fine- ANTIGONE: I didn’t say no! 8 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017 SCENE 2. MADELEINE: (V.O.) It turned out that Georgie was great at buttering toast, and afterwards she took Rudyard to the PiffLing bakery for an audience with Mayor Desmond Desmond… BAKERY. MAYOR: Good morning, Jerry. Just the croissant, I think. JERRY: Like some jam with that, your worship? MAYOR: Ooo no, I shouLdn’t. Got the big weigh-in on Friday. JERRY: Now that’s a shame. Because I’ve just put out a tray of my famous creamy éclairs… MAYOR: Oh Jerry, you deviL! How many points in one of these? JERRY: One and a half? MAYOR: … Go on then, quickly. Before she sees me. DOOR OPENS. GEORGIE: Mr Mayor! MAYOR: Aargh! GEORGIE: Put that éclair down! It must have at Least ten points in it. MAYOR: (MEEKLY) Jerry said it was one and a haLf- 9 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017 GEORGIE: I don’t care what Jerry said – what kind of bakery are you running here, Jerry? JERRY: Er, I’LL just get your croissant, your worship. GEORGIE: And no jam! JERRY: No jam, Miss Crusoe. Sorry. MAYOR: You heLped me dodge a buLLet there, Miss Crusoe- GEORGIE: We’LL have words about this, m’Lad. Right now, Rudyard’s got something he wants to ask you. MAYOR: Can’t you fob him off? I’d rather not see him. RUDYARD: (CLEARS THROAT) HeLLo. MAYOR: (JUMPS) Oh, dear! How embarrassing for both of us. RUDYARD: I’d Like to book the viLlage Hall on Friday. MAYOR: Why? RUDYARD: Because I’m going to get STIFF’D. MAYOR: Are you sure you want an audience for that? GEORGIE: They’re a society of funeraL peopLe. VIPs. RUDYARD: They’re hoLding their annuaL conference in PiffLing VaLe! MAYOR: Oh, well then! We shouLd get Eric to host it! 10 Wooden Overcoats 2.5 – Flip Flap Flop © T.