Learning to Shine.Pages

!1 !2 learning to SHINE Dedication 3 If you only had one year left… 5 Mastering Your Emotions 12 My Emotional Toolbox 13 Insights I’ve Learned 15 Be who you are… 20 Four Hacks for Balancing Mood 25 Building Strong Relationships 33 Insights I’ve Learned 34 Free The People Around You 37 How life can be… 42 Four Simple Steps To Get Through A Rough Patch 44 Impacting The World 51 Insights I’ve Learned 52 Training wings… 53 The Real Story Of How I Sold Two Startups… 59 Invictus 66 To Read/Watch/Listen 69 Books, Movies, and Songs That Shine 69 !3 CHAPTER 1 ! Dedication I wrote this book for the beautiful beings life has asked me to help lift up: Samantha, Megan, Sara, Kathleen, and Hayden. !4 I know I won’t always be able to be there with you when you’re having a hard time. You may not always want me there anyway. But I’ve done a lot of learning about tips and tricks that can help when life presents you with struggles. So I leave these insights as a gift to carry you forward into the world and hopefully make your life just a bit easier. Whether you read it now or leaf through it over the coming years, may it help you be happy, no matter what is happening inside or around you. I love you always, Ma/Alexandra ——— Tender gratitude for support along my journey goes to (in alpha order): Alan, Alex, Ben, Bo, Christine, Dad, Eri, Evan, Farris, Kevin, Mom, Patrick, Phil, Robin, Simon, Stefanie, Tim, Wendy, and countless others who touch my life every day. I wouldn’t be where I am without you. !5 If you only had one year left... How long we'll be here is uncertain And every day above ground is a great day! We might take it for granted Each gift of a heartbeat Every magical breath We might feel stuck, like things will never change We cry out in pain Why is life so hard? But what if we asked a different question: What if I only had one year left? !6 Would you make changes to your life? Would you work on something only you can give to the world? Would you take a chance on someone? Because guess what You might only have one year left, or less There's no way to tell And if you have much more Imagine how amazing it would be to always be doing your most important valuable work in the world Every year Being the most you you can be Giving what no one else can give !7 Is there something you need to do before you leave this world? Something you need to say or create or experience? What if you did that today? The world needs your unique gifts There's no point sitting here wasting your life For me, this year, I feel certain That I have to get these ideas out of me All the insights I've worked so hard to learn If I leave this world without passing them on Just think of all the additional suffering I could have helped prevent !8 Even if only one person gets only one insight from these words And it makes their day a little bit better Even if it's someone I don't know This work will have been worth the effort And once it's done I can go on to the next most important thing I need to do in my life If I only have one year left, I will appreciate as many moments as I can Do what I love to do Be with people that make my heart smile And try to leave things a little bit brighter than I found them. !9 What will you do? !10 !11 Because you are alive, everything is possible. Waking up this morning, I smile Twenty-four new hours are before me I vow to live fully in each moment And to look at all beings with eyes of compassion. - Thich Nhat Hanh !12 Chapter 2 ! Mastering Your Emotions We’ve all been there. Something triggers us and - boom! - we’re instantly in reaction mode, filled with anger or sadness or some kind of pain. What if I told you there was a way to make that easier? So that whatever is happening around you, like the loud tossing waves on the surface of the ocean, your inner world can be as still and quiet as the deepest underwater sanctuary. As it turns out, there are a lot of ways to get to that place of peace and stay there. !13 Different things work for different people in different situations, so I like to think of it as building your emotional toolbox. Store up insights, tools, and ideas that you can pull out to help you anytime. It’s a good amount of work, for sure. But if you get even a little bit better at mastering your emotions, it can have a really big impact on how much you can enjoy life without suffering. Here’s what’s in my emotional toolbox. Feel free to take anything you want from here, try it out, and add your own tools too! My Emotional Toolbox • Practicing acceptance, openness, and compassion • Living by my values • Separating reaction from action !14 • Creating space in my body through dance, yoga, breathing • Having a cuddle buddy • Working on being patient • Loving and taking care of myself • Giving to others • Committing to my own boundaries, respecting other people’s too • Saying no, hearing other people’s no, honoring no in myself and others • Asking for what I want and letting go of the outcome • Communicating small things before they turn into big resentments • Being in nature • Sitting with difficult emotions, just letting them be there and pass through me • Always having backup plans • Genuinely wanting other people to have what they need and be who they are !15 • Switching into different modes depending on the situation: self-care mode, relationship mode, parenting mode, work mode, weekend mode • Pausing to reflect on what words or actions feel most right at the moment • Taking space to myself when I need it and connecting with others when I need it • Really listening to myself and others • Feeling gratitude and breathing into my heart to find the answer I need • Taking Vitamin D in the morning to wake up, Magnesium at night to relax Insights I’ve Learned These are a few helpful ways of thinking about situations that I remind myself of pretty frequently. • Let emotional storms pass (in yourself and others) • Seek to understand yourself and others with curiosity • It’s not about you !16 • Other people don’t control your happiness (you do) • People don’t have as much power over you as they or you might think • Write down negative thoughts and label whose thoughts they are (not yours), to take away their power • That’s not my circus and those are not my monkeys (focus on what can you actually control and don’t worry about the rest) • Let suffering and love both open you • Let go of negative emotions and also let go of resistance to positive ones. It’s ok to feel amazing! • The quality of your questions is super important - instead of ‘why does this always happen to me?’ try ‘ how is this the best possible thing that could have happened?’ or ‘what if I do the opposite for a while and see what happens?’ • Whatever bothers you about anyone else is something you don’t like or haven’t accepted about yourself • If someone criticizes you, it’s more a comment about them than about you !17 • Since you’ll never be happy trying to keep reaching for perfection, be happy with yourself as you are right now • Beauty shines from the inside • When you’re having a strong reaction to something, it’s a great chance to learn about yourself and how to increase your psychological flexibility for future situations • Time invested in understanding yourself better is always worth it • Life is too short to suffer • Experiences can bring you more happiness than things • Negative emotions are there for a reason, to teach you something • Everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have available !18 This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! !19 Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice. meet them at the door laughing and invite them in. Be grateful for whatever comes. because each has been sent as a guide from beyond. - Jellaludin Rumi !20 Be who you are... there will be days when the whole world seems against you when no one understands you and you can't find your way out of the darkness you might feel like things will never get better and you'll never be accepted for who you are maybe you don't even like who you are this is an intensely painful place it's real, and it's true, and if it's your experience right now !21 please know that i love you life includes pain sometimes and there are amazing things out there you haven't even imagined yet new experiences to be had new loves to feel new learning and giving and traveling and creating sometimes you need to leave your current environment get some space, explore in order to find happiness and love yourself the things that you think you can't tell anyone are exactly the things you need to talk about lean into the fear !22 people will be more accepting of you than you are of yourself right now and you can eventually learn to accept your strangeness all those embarrassing shameful bits love them too they make you you and they are beautiful if you really love and accept all parts of you life becomes congruent peaceful aligned easy the right people find you and you can give your unique value to the world !23 it might be the hardest thing to do learning to love yourself and be yourself it might also be the light that people around you need to let their own lights shine too whatever you think is wrong with you the part that you don't even want to look at in yourself is actually the most beautiful part your precious gift what if you decided to let it out? !24 It isn’t the things that happen to us that cause us to suffer, it’s how we relate to the things that happen to use that causes us to suffer.

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