1 2 learning to SHINE
Dedication 3 If you only had one year left… 5
Mastering Your Emotions 12 My Emotional Toolbox 13 Insights I’ve Learned 15 Be who you are… 20 Four Hacks for Balancing Mood 25
Building Strong Relationships 33 Insights I’ve Learned 34 Free The People Around You 37 How life can be… 42 Four Simple Steps To Get Through A Rough Patch 44
Impacting The World 51 Insights I’ve Learned 52 Training wings… 53 The Real Story Of How I Sold Two Startups… 59 Invictus 66
To Read/Watch/Listen 69 Books, Movies, and Songs That Shine 69 3
CHAPTER 1
Dedication
I wrote this book for the beautiful beings life has asked me to help lift up: Samantha, Megan, Sara, Kathleen, and Hayden. 4
I know I won’t always be able to be there with you when you’re having a hard time.
You may not always want me there anyway.
But I’ve done a lot of learning about tips and tricks that can help when life presents you with struggles.
So I leave these insights as a gift to carry you forward into the world and hopefully make your life just a bit easier.
Whether you read it now or leaf through it over the coming years, may it help you be happy, no matter what is happening inside or around you.
I love you always,
Ma/Alexandra
———
Tender gratitude for support along my journey goes to (in alpha order): Alan, Alex, Ben, Bo, Christine, Dad, Eri, Evan, Farris, Kevin, Mom, Patrick, Phil, Robin, Simon, Stefanie, Tim, Wendy, and countless others who touch my life every day. I wouldn’t be where I am without you. 5
If you only had one year left...
How long we'll be here is uncertain
And every day above ground is a great day!
We might take it for granted
Each gift of a heartbeat
Every magical breath
We might feel stuck, like things will never change
We cry out in pain
Why is life so hard?
But what if we asked a different question:
What if I only had one year left? 6
Would you make changes to your life?
Would you work on something only you can give to the world?
Would you take a chance on someone?
Because guess what
You might only have one year left, or less
There's no way to tell
And if you have much more
Imagine how amazing it would be to always be doing your most important valuable work in the world
Every year
Being the most you you can be
Giving what no one else can give 7
Is there something you need to do before you leave this world?
Something you need to say or create or experience?
What if you did that today?
The world needs your unique gifts
There's no point sitting here wasting your life
For me, this year, I feel certain
That I have to get these ideas out of me
All the insights I've worked so hard to learn
If I leave this world without passing them on
Just think of all the additional suffering I could have helped prevent 8
Even if only one person gets only one insight from these words
And it makes their day a little bit better
Even if it's someone I don't know
This work will have been worth the effort
And once it's done
I can go on to the next most important thing I need to do in my life
If I only have one year left,
I will appreciate as many moments as I can
Do what I love to do
Be with people that make my heart smile
And try to leave things a little bit brighter than I found them. 9
What will you do? 10 11
Because you are alive, everything is possible.
Waking up this morning, I smile Twenty-four new hours are before me I vow to live fully in each moment And to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.
- Thich Nhat Hanh 12
Chapter 2 Mastering Your Emotions
We’ve all been there.
Something triggers us and - boom! - we’re instantly in reaction mode, filled with anger or sadness or some kind of pain.
What if I told you there was a way to make that easier?
So that whatever is happening around you, like the loud tossing waves on the surface of the ocean, your inner world can be as still and quiet as the deepest underwater sanctuary.
As it turns out, there are a lot of ways to get to that place of peace and stay there. 13
Different things work for different people in different situations, so I like to think of it as building your emotional toolbox.
Store up insights, tools, and ideas that you can pull out to help you anytime.
It’s a good amount of work, for sure.
But if you get even a little bit better at mastering your emotions, it can have a really big impact on how much you can enjoy life without suffering.
Here’s what’s in my emotional toolbox.
Feel free to take anything you want from here, try it out, and add your own tools too!
My Emotional Toolbox • Practicing acceptance, openness, and compassion
• Living by my values
• Separating reaction from action 14
• Creating space in my body through dance, yoga, breathing
• Having a cuddle buddy
• Working on being patient
• Loving and taking care of myself
• Giving to others
• Committing to my own boundaries, respecting other people’s too
• Saying no, hearing other people’s no, honoring no in myself and others
• Asking for what I want and letting go of the outcome
• Communicating small things before they turn into big resentments
• Being in nature
• Sitting with difficult emotions, just letting them be there and pass through me
• Always having backup plans
• Genuinely wanting other people to have what they need and be who they are 15
• Switching into different modes depending on the situation: self-care mode, relationship mode, parenting mode, work mode, weekend mode
• Pausing to reflect on what words or actions feel most right at the moment
• Taking space to myself when I need it and connecting with others when I need it
• Really listening to myself and others
• Feeling gratitude and breathing into my heart to find the answer I need
• Taking Vitamin D in the morning to wake up, Magnesium at night to relax
Insights I’ve Learned These are a few helpful ways of thinking about situations that I remind myself of pretty frequently.
• Let emotional storms pass (in yourself and others)
• Seek to understand yourself and others with curiosity
• It’s not about you 16
• Other people don’t control your happiness (you do)
• People don’t have as much power over you as they or you might think
• Write down negative thoughts and label whose thoughts they are (not yours), to take away their power
• That’s not my circus and those are not my monkeys (focus on what can you actually control and don’t worry about the rest)
• Let suffering and love both open you
• Let go of negative emotions and also let go of resistance to positive ones. It’s ok to feel amazing!
• The quality of your questions is super important - instead of ‘why does this always happen to me?’ try ‘ how is this the best possible thing that could have happened?’ or ‘what if I do the opposite for a while and see what happens?’
• Whatever bothers you about anyone else is something you don’t like or haven’t accepted about yourself
• If someone criticizes you, it’s more a comment about them than about you 17
• Since you’ll never be happy trying to keep reaching for perfection, be happy with yourself as you are right now
• Beauty shines from the inside
• When you’re having a strong reaction to something, it’s a great chance to learn about yourself and how to increase your psychological flexibility for future situations
• Time invested in understanding yourself better is always worth it
• Life is too short to suffer
• Experiences can bring you more happiness than things
• Negative emotions are there for a reason, to teach you something
• Everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have available 18
This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! 19
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice. meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes. because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
- Jellaludin Rumi 20
Be who you are...
there will be days
when the whole world seems against you
when no one understands you
and you can't find your way out of the darkness
you might feel like things will never get better
and you'll never be accepted for who you are
maybe you don't even like who you are
this is an intensely painful place
it's real, and it's true, and if it's your experience right now 21
please know that i love you
life includes pain sometimes
and there are amazing things out there you haven't even imagined yet
new experiences to be had
new loves to feel
new learning and giving and traveling and creating
sometimes you need to leave your current environment
get some space, explore
in order to find happiness and love yourself
the things that you think you can't tell anyone
are exactly the things you need to talk about
lean into the fear 22
people will be more accepting of you than you are of yourself right now
and you can eventually learn to accept your strangeness
all those embarrassing shameful bits
love them too
they make you you
and they are beautiful
if you really love and accept all parts of you
life becomes congruent
peaceful
aligned
easy
the right people find you
and you can give your unique value to the world 23
it might be the hardest thing to do
learning to love yourself
and be yourself
it might also be the light that people around you need
to let their own lights shine too
whatever you think is wrong with you
the part that you don't even want to look at in yourself
is actually the most beautiful part
your precious gift
what if you decided to let it out? 24
It isn’t the things that happen to us that cause us to suffer, it’s how we relate to the things that happen to use that causes us to suffer. 25
To stay with that shakiness - to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge - that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic - this is the spiritual path.
- Pema Chodron
Four Hacks for Balancing Mood
I put this together in 2012 after 16 months and 300,000 words of mood tracking data (about an hour of writing every day), which I shared with a friend.
It’s my early work on balancing mood and making life smoother - a compiled list of hacks, broken down into four categories. 26
1. Accept, accept, accept
The practice of acceptance has been incredibly transformative. If you can accept yourself as you are, accept other people as they are, and accept situations around you, you will be free from secondary layers of emotion that prevent you from just dealing with whatever you need to deal with.
For example, say that someone you love promises to do something for you, and then doesn’t do it. You have a choice here – layer frustration and anger on top of the situation, or accept it and check in with the person to see what happened. Maybe they forgot because they were feeling sick, or are stressed out at work. It probably doesn’t mean they don’t care.
As Zen master Suzuki Roshi said, “It’s like putting a horse on top of a horse and then climbing on and trying to ride. Riding a horse is hard enough. Why add another horse?”
Acceptance helps you just ride one horse at a time. 27
Expectations come into play here as well. What I’ve learned is, the fewer expectations you have, especially about other people doing anything in particular, the easier life becomes. Keep moving strongly towards your inspiring intentions, just don’t expect anything to work out in the exact way you imagine. And if you do have a particular expectation, make sure to communicate it to the people who you’re expecting to meet it!
2. Create social algorithms
I used to experience social anxiety coupled with a fear of abandonment, which sometimes led me to isolation and depression. Here are three tips I learned to make socializing smoother for me:
- Always have a buddy. Before I go to a meetup or a conference, I always ask someone to be my buddy. It has to be someone I feel safe with and who is also going to the same event (or willing to be invited.) Being a buddy means I can sit next to them, and check in with them for a hug or a quick update on how I’m feeling. At 28
first it was hard to ask, but I soon realized that other people were also often relieved to have a buddy!
- Figure out how you engage best. Conference calls and group meetings are not my idea of fun. Coffee shops and most restaurants are too loud to have a conversation. So I suggest one-on-one walks with people, usually in a beautiful park or outside nature space. Again, most folks are happy to have this option of getting fresh air and exercise as well as connection. And I’m more comfortable, so I’m able to listen, give, and connect better.
- Spread out social events. Everyone will have their own balance for this one. I noticed that I get depressed if I’ve been at home for more than two days in a row, and I get a tad too hyper if I’m out having meetings for more than two days in a row. This is a simple heuristic that makes it easy to decide when to put things in my calendar. 29
3. Pay attention to sensory experiences
I became aware of the importance of sensory experience after reading up on sensory processing differences in people. Once I tuned in and started noticing my environment, I discovered I could:
- Comfort my skin. Wearing uncomfortable clothes tends to make me irritable. So I gave away my jeans, high heels, bras, anything that felt constricting or tight. I’m so much happier wearing comfy clothes all the time.
- Protect my ears. Loud machines can drain my energy. I noticed that riding on a train or airplane, walking down a busy street, or working at a coffee shop with that grinder going off periodically was tiring me out quite a lot. So I bought myself a pair of Bose QC15 noise-canceling headphones, and I wear them every day. It also helps to put me in the zone for productive work, with playlists full of beats (for coding), love songs (for community building), or mellow ambient music (for writing.) 30
- Have awesome hugs! After hearing about Temple Grandin’s experience of being calmed by a “squeeze machine”, I started noticing that hugs (especially good, solid, squeezy hugs) really calmed me down too. People who I feel safe enough to hug deeply will notice it after ten or twenty seconds – my body just starts to melt and relax. So I started offering to hug people more. Turns out many other people like hugs too, which further helps me to be comfortable in social situations!
4. Do the opposite from what you feel
This might sound counter-intuitive, but it can be very powerful.
Basically, if you’re depressed, act as you would if you were excited, and if you’re feeling manic, act as you would if you were down.
So now when I’m feeling down, I go for a fast walk in the bright sunshine with loud music, I eat less, try to chat with people more or invite someone out, and try to wake up extra early. When I’m feeling too hyper, I slow down, 31 lie in a dark room with quiet or sad music, eat a bit extra, try to be alone, and try to get lots of sleep.
This is going against what my body feels like doing in the moment, but it definitely works to curb the ups and downs that I might otherwise feed and amplify. I like to think of it as CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) without the C. 32
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. - Marianne Williamson 33
Chapter 3 Building Strong Relationships
No one lives in a vacuum.
We come from a family, we make a family as we get older, we integrate friends, lovers, kids, and co-workers into our days.
Relationships make up the threads from which we weave our lives.
They can bring us soaring love and also cause us immense pain.
The good news is, we learn from past experience. And we can learn from the experiences of others too.
I’m sure you’ll find some lessons out the hard way, and I wish you comfort and ease as you do. 34
There is great insight that can come from suffering.
But to hopefully save you a bit of heartache and stress, these are some of the things I’ve learned about how to create and nurture strong, loving relationships that sustain and inspire you.
Insights I’ve Learned • Give people (and yourself) space when they (and you) need it
• Keep solid boundaries
• Assume that people you love have good intentions, even if you don’t always understand why they’re doing what they’re doing
• Always have backup plans
• Trust yourself, trust others
• No news is good news, don’t worry if you haven’t heard back 35
• If people are being mean, they’re probably really just anxious
• Take in information from other people as feedback not attacks
• If you think people are judging you, it’s probably you judging yourself, and if people actually are judging you, they’re probably feeling insecure and judging themselves
• Keep things peaceful and easy as much of the time as possible
• Don’t over-react
• Be the first one to let go, and the fight stops
• Remember that there are other people in the world right now feeling the same joy, pain, or whatever you’re feeling
• Follow the platinum rule: treat others the way THEY want to be treated, not the way you want to be treated
• Find the most generous explanation for other people’s behavior - maybe they’re having a bad day
• Take gentle care of yourself - your relationship with yourself matters too 36
• Set up systems that nourish and protect you and then relax into them
• Do nothing in particular sometimes
• Get into your heart/body and out of your head
• Try little experiments and see how they work out. Learn and adapt
• Your job is not to make everyone else happy, and you are not everyone’s therapist
• You can’t change or control other people, but you can discover who they are and what they want, and see how that does or doesn’t fit with who you are and what you want
• Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about
• The deeper that sorrow carves into you, the more joy you can hold
• Compassion for others starts with kindness to ourselves 37
Free The People Around You
The greatest gift I have ever been given is the freedom to be myself.
Fully accepted, without any attempt to control or fix me. My elementary school teacher, my grandmother, and my closest friends have given me this gift, and it’s humblingly beautiful.
In my opinion, if you really love someone, let them be truly themselves.
Trust each other, want one another to be happy, and be happy when your loved ones find happiness. Let go of clinging so tightly that you lose your individual selves.
This is easier said than done sometimes – it can be hard to give someone else freedom when you are feeling trapped, for example.
But maybe freeing people around you to be themselves will also free you a little bit to be more 38 yourself, your real self, even the parts that you don’t think other people will like.
You might be surprised to find that those very parts that you hide are what they love most about you.
Here is one of my favorite poems, by the great poet Khalil Gibran, to inspire freedom in your relationships today:
Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, 39
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.
———
Your task is not to seek for love, But merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have build against it.
- Ru m i 40 41
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
- Kahlil Gibran 42
How life can be... our eyes meet
minds play
bodies touch with gentle listening
simplest of ordinary actions
a tide rises, and the gate is unlocked
for our energies to swirl
hearts to open
spirits to softly enter each other
a path is illuminated briefly
and we walk together to the quiet peace and love 43
of How Life Can Be
here it is so unreal yet real
delirious yet sane
honest and kind
we move fluidly and sit presently together
lost but completely found
all too soon our time is up
the gate slams shut
and we have to let go
but each time it is a little bit easier to open and a little bit slower to close
and one day we will be able to keep it open to spill the light we've discovered on the world 44
beauty will fill and surround us
even if we can't visit this place together as often as we'd like
it will be inside us every day
maybe it already is.
Four Simple Steps To Get Through A Rough Patch
I don’t know about you, but I generally like structure.
Especially in challenging times when it feels like the world is spinning or like I’m wandering through a fog.
Having a simple set of guidelines to follow in these times has been a great help to me. 45
Of course it’s also fun to be spontaneous and break routine now and then, but for the most part having a structure to rely on can be solidly reassuring.
I thought you might like to know what I’ve found helpful, in case you find yourself in a tough moment and need a bit of a hand getting through it.
We’ve all been there!
This particular structure comes from a book I highly recommend: The Reality Slap by Russ Harris. He’s a legend in the field of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, a methodology my therapist introduced to me that involves mindfulness practices and living by your values.
Here are the lessons I memorized from Russ’ book, which I turn to whenever I need perspective and strength: 46
1. Hold yourself gently. The very first thing to do is to realize you’re having a hard time. Give yourself some love, kindness, and empathy. Pretend that you’re comforting a friend in a similar situation, or that someone who you can depend on is really taking care of you. Try to soften and not be too hard on yourself, remembering that everyone goes through difficult times. We’re all human, we all mess up, and we all feel intense emotions. It’s ok to be gentle sometimes.
2. Get grounded. The second step involves getting back into your body. Take some deep breaths and sit up straight. Go outside and lie down on the warm grass, feeling the ground supporting you. Imagine you’re a tree with roots anchoring you to the ground and branches lifting up towards the sky. Our bodies have great wisdom, and tapping into this before deciding what to do can often be balancing and help provide perspective. 47
3. Take a stand. The third step is remembering to live by our values instead of our emotions. When we act or say things impulsively out of anger, fear, or hurt, we tend to think small and might end up making things worse for ourselves. I like to write things down when I feel a strong emotion, and then come back to what I’ve written later on with a calmer mind to see how to best approach the issue. Look at the bigger picture, decide on a course of action based on what you value, and stick to it.
4. Find the treasure. The Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh says, “the conditions for happiness and peace can be found in every moment.” This doesn’t mean we go around smiling blissfully all the time, definitely. But there’s usually one tiny thing you can be grateful for even in the midst of the greatest suffering. Seeing a flower bursting into bloom. Curling up under a comfy blanket. Having a warm cup of hot chocolate. Even the tiniest bit of enjoyment can help. 48
And the final thought that I turn to after going through this process comes from Robert Frost’s inspiring words, “The best way out is always through.” I will get through this, easier times are coming.
You will get through this. Easier times are coming.
For now, be gentle, breathe, live by what you value, and look for little things to enjoy. 49 50
The sage has no fixed mind; he is aware of the needs of others.
Those who are good he treats with goodness. Those who are bad he also treats with goodness because the nature of his being is good.
He is kind to the kind. He is also kind to the unkind because the nature of his being is kindness.
He is faithful to the faithful; He is also faithful to the unfaithful. The sage lives in harmony with all beings. He sees everything as his own self; He loves everyone as his own child.
All people are drawn to him.
- Tao Te Ching 51
Chapter 4 Impacting The World
Once you’ve figured out your emotions and relationships, you might think you’re done.
That’s all there is.
But wait, there’s always room to grow and contribute!
The world is a vast place with a staggering number of people needing things - needing love, help, learning, inspiration, not to mention the basic necessities of food, shelter, water, health care.
One person can most definitely make a difference, so why not you?
I’ve found that a good way to start is to find a cause you’re passionate about (I get excited about the idea of helping people suffer less), and then find ways to make that part of the world a little bit better. 52
Let’s use this precious gift of life to make people’s lives brighter.
In whatever way you choose to do that.
Here are some thoughts to get you started.
Insights I’ve Learned • Add value and give first, think about getting value and earning second. When you do ask for value in return, make sure you are asking for enough (you’re worth more than you think)
• Help people every day, even if it’s just a tiny thing
• Maximize upside potential and minimize downside risk
• Know where your money is going every month (categorize your expenses)
• Spend where you get value, cut all other expenses
• Contribute beyond yourself, and make sure to show up!
• Let yourself have fun with some of your money too
• Always grow, and always allow others to grow 53
• Learn all the time
• Be curious
• We grow or we die
• Keep finding the next level
• Try anything once unless it could hurt you or someone else or it’s addictive
• When anything happens, ask yourself, how is this great?
• Life is happening for you, not to you. What’s the lesson in every experience?
• All setbacks are temporary, no defeat is final
• Keep changing your approach until you find a way that works to get you where you want to be
• All you need is love. And it’s inside you
Training wings... I wrote this poem in 2013, sitting at the edge of the Pacific Ocean next to a beautiful tree filled with pinecones that was leaning over the edge of a cliff. 54
I am a butterfly
transformed by this magical place
the water washing away what the fire burned
leaving a vast heart
a fresh canvas
a comforting rhythm
a new yet ever existing purpose
many gifts are waiting for me at home
and many gifts I carry in me to bring
may we all be happy and free
and live and move and breathe as we are called to be
I am coming, my pinecone friends
I am here for you and you are here for me 55 whatever winds may blow our trunk is strong and will shelter us lovingly as a mother cradles her babies
I am cradler and cradled
I am set free we are all set free when we choose life and purpose and when we listen to what our hearts are telling us 56 follow my intuition do the best I can share sweetness and understanding all I want to do to spread love and healing and it is more than enough
here I go and here we all are thank you
———
What we fear doing most is usually what we most need to do.
- Tim Ferriss 57 58
Your heart knows the way. Run in that direction.
- Ru m i
———
Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.
- Pema Chodron
———
When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need.
- L a o T z u 59
The Real Story Of How I Sold Two Startups, The Chaos Afterwards, And What’s Next I wrote this in 2015. I was asked to share my startup story, and I thought if I’m going to share, I might as well *really* share.
Let you in behind the scenes to see what it was actually like.
The story starts…
October 1, 1976: I came into the world in Toronto, Canada, with striking violet eyes. My lawyer/politician mother and management consultant father gave me the name Alexandra, which means “leader of all mankind,” as they liked to remind me. Talk about a family having high expectations! Not that that was necessarily a bad thing.
Childhood: I remember loving to read and walk my dogs, who were probably my best friends. I went to a progressive Montessori school with an amazing teacher 60 who believed in me and taught me the power of patience.
Teenage years: The “best” school in Toronto was a repressive and aggressive all-girls private school. My insane work ethic was drilled into me there, as well as at my mom’s political campaign offices, where I would work after school until late into the night. The teachers taught us that we were going to change the world, and I believed them.
College years: I met my first love in a biochemistry lab at the University of Toronto. I chose the most difficult major (Molecular Genetics and Molecular Biology), because it would drive me hardest. Even now I don’t tend to take the easiest path.
First startup, 1999: I dropped out of grad school, much to the horror of my very well-educated parents, to join a bioinformatics software company with my then- boyfriend. I taught myself how to code (learned C++ in 2 weeks), design, make sales, and run a company. We worked so much that I hardly left our apartment, except 61 to get married, have a baby, and occasionally go to Tai Chi class. We lost most of our money in the dot com bust, and scraped by on rice and beans for a few years. It was so isolating and intense that I got really depressed and even suicidal once.
First exit, and move to California, 2005: We were seriously running out of money, so one day I made a big wall chart of all the possible companies that could acquire us, and we started going after each one relentlessly. After a few months, we got a meeting with Hitachi. They were interested, but didn’t seal the deal until we decided to put our stuff in storage and just show up in California, baby daughter Samantha in tow. One way or another, we were determined to make it work. They did end up acquiring us, for a few hundred thousand dollars. Not much for 8 years of invested time and energy, but really we just wanted to get to California, where the sun shines and the opportunity abounds. We finally made it!
Baby #2 Megan arrives, 2006: The next two years were spent fighting post-partum depression with two 62 little ones around. I was tandem nursing too, which actually let me have a moment’s rest – a baby on one breast and a toddler on the other. The sweetest moments were when they would both nurse and hold hands with each other. The roughest were when I would be carrying one child in a sling, another on my back, and two heavy grocery bags in each hand. We would all come home crying.
CureTogether started, 2008: I pulled myself out of depression by starting my mind working again. Having suffered from chronic pain and mood issues myself, I wanted to use my pain to understand and help others. We started a website for patients to share treatment ideas and ratings with each other for over 500 medical conditions. People wrote in to say we had saved their lives. I pushed my comfort zone and went on a CureTogether speaking tour in 2009, then we sold all our stuff in California and spent the winter in Hawaii. During this time I was also Director of Quantified Self, helping that movement grow to 92 cities worldwide, with two 63 international conferences. It was a busy, engaging time, and I loved meeting so many creative, amazing people.
Second exit, and divorce, 2012: When Anne from 23andMe approached us about acquiring CureTogether, we were ready to pass it on, and excited about it being part of such an impactful larger company. And they gave us an offer we couldn’t refuse, about an order of magnitude more than our last exit! That same year, we went through a divorce. Maybe the stress of two startups in two countries with two small kids was just too much. Or maybe I just needed to take back the reins of my life.
Party year, 2013: Having been SO serious my whole life, I spontaneously took a year and did all the crazy stuff I’d never done before. Dated five guys at the same time, traveled in Europe, climbed mountains, partied at electronic music concerts, took up yoga, spent two weeks in the desert for Burning Man, lived in an intentional community, experimented (very carefully) with the therapeutic power of psychedelic compounds to heal trauma. I have more to say about therapeutic psychedelics, but basically I went into it knowing that it 64 was a tool I could use to have my body feel amazing while bringing up every possible super painful experience from my past, with incredible brain-rewiring results. It was a year of great fun, laced with immense sadness and profound lessons too, and then I realized I wanted to get back to real life.
Mommy year, 2014: I managed to leave 23andMe early, after less than two years, since I wasn’t really fitting into the larger startup culture anyway. So I took a year off to be with my kids. Unexpectedly, I found myself struggling to navigate a drawn-out and stressful custody evaluation. I moved my kids into our current home in Redwood City, and made a list of all the epic things we wanted to do, then did them! Beach days, hiking through the redwoods, Disneyland, the Exploratorium, movies, and lots of snuggle time.
2015+: During a visit to Lake Tahoe over Christmas 2014 with my kids, while staring out at the peaceful lake one morning, I realized I wanted something really big and meaningful to sink my teeth into again. I need to be useful, to be helping people, to exercise my crazy 65 execution skills. When we got home, I considered different options, and at the end of January, I heard Jessica was hiring at uBiome. I had met her during my CureTogether days, through a mutual friend, so I asked her if we could meet up for dinner. She drove down from SF to meet me near my house, and the next day I was working at uBiome! I remember feeling incredibly strong after having been through so much change and challenge, and excited to see what the next chapter would bring!
To continue my growth, I made 2015 a year of no sex, and 2016 a year of living alone. Leaning into fears that were driving me. In April 2016, my family spent spring break in Hawaii, and my kid and I made a list of all the qualities I must have, would like to have, and must not have in a partner. It was very clarifying. In fact, I came home and found my beloved Tim two weeks later!
I left uBiome in September 2016 to write this book and work on an AI chatbot doctor. I’m happier now than I’ve been in many years, maybe ever!! :D 66
So that’s my whole messy story of self-discovery and serial acquisition. Hope you’ve enjoyed it! Feel free to ask me any questions, I’m always happy to share.
———
Invictus Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed. 67
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
- William Ernest Henley 68
With much love, Alexandra 69
Chapter 5 To Read/Watch/Listen
Books, Movies, and Songs That Shine
BOOKS:
• Awaken The Giant Within and Unlimited Power by Tony Robbins
• Tools of Titans and The Four Hour Workweek by Tim Ferriss
• Any books by Pema Chodron
• The Reality Slap by Russ Harris
• Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
• Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu
• Self-Compassion by Kristen Neff
• Crucial Conversations by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler 70
• Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg
• Walden by Henry David Thoreau
• Any writings of Rumi
• The Prophet by Khalil Gibran
• Zen habits blog by Leo Babauta
SONGS:
• Something Just Like This by Coldplay and The Chainsmokers
• Firestone by Kygo
• Unstoppable Joy by Marya Stark
• Ordinary Day by Great Big Sea
• Consequence Free by Great Big Sea
• I Hope You Dance by Lee Ann Womack (reminds me of my inspiring grandmother Sybil Carmichael
• Scare Away The Dark by Passenger
• Compass by Zella Day
• Not Afraid by Eminem 71
• Where Is The Love? by The Black Eyed Peas
• Boom Boom Pow by The Black Eyed Peas
• You Are Not Alone by Michael Jackson
• Sweet Surrender by Sarah McLachlan
• Beautiful Girl by Sarah McLachlan
• I Believe by Christina Perri
• All Will Be Well by The Gabe Dixon Band
• Up & Up by Coldplay
• Lost Together by Blue Rodeo
• Let It Be by The Beatles
• If Tomorrow Never Comes by Garth Brooks
• On Top of The World by Imagine Dragons
• Masterpiece by Jessie J
• Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield
• Alone by Alan Walker
• Sing Me to Sleep by Alan Walker
• Bright by Echosmith
• This Is What You Came For by Calvin Harris/Rihanna 72
• Don’t Look Back In Anger by Oasis
• Good Riddance by Green Day
• Missing You by All Time Low
• Just Hold On by Steve Aoki and Louis Tomlinson
• Turn Down For What by DJ Snake and Lil Jon
• Glowing Eyes by twenty one pilots
• House of Memories by Panic! At The Disco
• I Believe In You by Celine Dion and Il Divo
• Always There by The Canadian Tenors
MOVIES:
• Good Will Hunting
• Amadeus
• Dead Poet’s Society
• Billy Elliott
• Kiki’s Delivery Service
• Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon 73
If you enjoyed the photos in this book, I’m glad! I took them on hikes around the San Francisco Bay Area. And my delightful dad took the first and last photos. Yay!
Now go out there and shine today! :) <3