LOCAL NEWS NATIONAL NEWS

-Justin Vedder #1 Pick in Alternate Dimension Bizarro NFL Draft -Felonious Monk Bops Brother -“Man” Pronounced “Dead” by Illiterate Paramedic -“Duck Hunt” Remains Least Popular Nesticle Download -Skateboarding Now a Crime -Phone.com Calls Ghostbusters.com -White Student Only Vaguely Understands His Chinese Tattoo -Battered Women’s Support Site Gets 5 Million Hits -”Stanfurd” Fan Chased from Cheese ‘N’ Stuff for Knife-Chasing, Spitting -Government Requires Monitoring of Nocturnal Emissions

May 2000 Vol. 9 Issue 5

Local Idiots Mad Scientist Emerges Stumble Upon from Laboratory with Printing Press New Wheel Design BY BRET HEILIG BY LUKE FILOSE According to Dusseldorf, GUY WITH FACE wheel design technology has ad- FUCKING LOONY TOON vanced considerably in the past Students tittered briefly last Doctor Klaus “White Knuck- five millennia, but strong vested month as The California Patriot, les” Dusseldorf shocked the interests in the international making its official publishing de- world Monday when he emerged wheel lobby have stifled innova- but, delivered a walloping dose of from his lab deep in the Swiss Alps tion. “I’ve received death healthy conservative thought to with a potentially groundbreaking threats,” he said. “Apparently, the UC campus. Featuring several discovery: he claims to have re- someone is making a lot of money correctly spelled words and dis- invented the wheel. on the current wheel and doesn’t playing a keen sense of how to Looking haggard but confi- appreciate my efforts.” Asked to operate Microsoft Paint, the soon- dent outside of his laboratory, in describe his new wheel design, to-be-famous first issue left a last- front of a large gathering of the Dusseldorf was less forthcoming. ing impression on the minds of at press, Dusseldorf proclaimed, “I “It’s not completely unlike a least eighteen parents who, al- have done what people have been mobius-strip, but then again, if though they could not be reached sadly reluctant to do since the you said ‘Wow! That thing for comment, are almost undoubt- wheel was first invented 5000 looks like Medusa’s head edly bursting with pride at the ac- years ago in Mesopotamia. I have fucked a Fender Stratocaster,’ complishments of their offspring. Abandoned shell of vegetarian restaurant still re-designed it from the ground up, I wouldn’t think you were com- Local reaction to the periodi- proudly displays “Best of the East Bay” award. and the result is very exciting.” pletely nuts either.” cal varied widely, with at least one journalism major noting, “Top ten Southside Resident “Probably lists? Jokes written in teeny tiny Chinese Publishing Firm print underneath the credits? Assaulted,” Say Police Mountains of unsold ad space? BY KENNY BYERLY tainly been filed, the victim was These are the kinds of things we Releases The Tao of Tao walking in a place frighteningly SAFELITE® AUTO GLASS expect from Junior High School “It's a fuckin' religion, people. Remember?” near where you live, at a sur- publications.” Satisfied readers, A UC Berkeley student prisingly early time of night as well, could be heard express- BY DRIBIDY C. BOPTON this post-modern hippie shit. was “probably assaulted” last that you’d think would be safe, ing their feelings: “I hate fags too! How would you like it if we week while walking home to his when the suspect appeared, USER, CHEATER, SIX-TIME LOSER Haw Haw!” exclaimed one un- started publishing books called, or her southside residence, probably brandishing a pretty washed bystander. In the wake of the success in Reds are From Mars, Experts are Berkeley police told reporters scary weapon of some sort. At When interviewed over the the West of several popular-cul- From Venus or The World Ac- today. Officers said the victim this point, the suspect no doubt phone about their plans for future ture books based on the ancient cording to Mao? That would fix most likely described the sus- assaulted the victim and de- issues, Patriot editors demurred, Chinese religion called “Taoism,” your collective wagon(s).” He pect in a vague and unhelpful manded something desirable, way, and stated that there is vir- saying, "There are only so many such as The Tao of Physics, The added that the teachings of Lao presumably money. tually no chance that the sus- knock-knock jokes about the Tao of Symbols, and The Tao of Tzu, the ancient sage of Taoism, “I haven’t really looked at pect will be caught, assuming any reports yet,” explained Ber- Clinton marriage. What are we Peace, and such light-hearted are not a “trendy little trifle to there is a suspect. keley police captain Bobby supposed to do? Write sophisti- musings as The Tao of the Pooh glance at over the morning's According to the police Miller, “But I think that’s a cated conservative essays?" Fur- and The Tao of Dow, the Chinese wretched smoothie. Especially if report which has almost cer- pretty safe bet, don’t you?” ther inquiries as to the possibility division of Harcourt-Brace has it's got ginseng added to it.” that The Patriot was merely a lib- just released an emotionally In related news, the Ameri- eral plot to portray conservatives charged book called The Tao of can division is soon to release Man Not Comforted by Assurance That as intellectually hopeless met with Tao. The author wishes to remind The Tao of Ginseng Smoothies, “There are Always Other Ayatollahs” abrupt silence, then the sound of people that “Taoism is a religion, certified by the Wisconsin Gin- lots of people running out of a goddammit,” and that “Master seng Board, with a coupon for a BY LEVITICUS G. WILLIAMS S.R.: Oh and I'm not busy, writing room in a hurry. Lao wouldn't be pleased with all free ginseng smoothie. VENTURE COMMUNIST pretentious stories about how Brit- ain is unlike India, and how India, Life isn't as it used to be for conversely, is unlike Britain? Voters Turn Out in Support of Candy, Breasts 28-year old Adam Scroggy, who A.K.: Wait a minute: is this Salman used to get his kicks conference Rushdie? BY MATT HOLOHAN according to Student Action member Sarah calling two numbers and then S.R.: Who wants to know? Culuben, whose perky bosoms have earned her a PLUNDERING PUNDIT staying quiet. Here is a transcript Ohhhhh, THAT Ayatollah. I knew senate seat. from his glory-days, ten years ago: you sounded familiar. Listen, stop With this year's ASUC elections showing “Not every candidate had the courage to wear calling me. It's not funny anymore. another successful campaign for the Student a low-cut blouse for their constituencies,” Ring, ring [phone rings] A.K: For the last time, you called Action Party, it's clear that Berkeley voters are Culuben told reporters. “But I did, and the voters Ayatollah Khomeini: Ayatollah me, you freak... still showing strong support for free candy and obviously respect that.” speaking. attractive breasts. Added Culuben, “Hey, my eyes are up Salman Rushdie: Hello? “Holding my breath, stifling an oc- Said one Student Action supporter, “Dude, here, guys.” A.K: Yes, how can I help you? casional snicker or hiccup, those these guys have little mints with their names on Student Action members have promised to S.R.: What do you mean? You were the days,” Scroggy remarked. them! How cool is that?” The voter then began continue to support their platform in the coming called me. “But now chat rooms are in; cheerfully sucking on a handful of Nick Papas year. Their proposed programs include dropping A.K.: Do you think that's funny? Rushdie's free; and Khomeini's dead. sour candies. showers of gum drops from helicopters and imple- Really, I'm a busy man. I've got My friends tell me, ‘Don't worry, Breasts turned out to be another hot issue, menting “Topless Fridays” in Eshleman Hall. places to go, people to do. What Adam. There are always other Aya- do you want? tollahs.’ But it's just not the same.” A2 MAY 2000 WWW.SQUELCHED.COM THE HEURISTIC SQUELCH Top Ten Signs that a Conversation is Turn- Later On, Bitches by Matt Holohan The ing from Bad to Worse Heuristic Squelch 10. “That reminds me of For the past year, I have had the illustrious privi- 5. Being constantly asked “What does ‘Heuristic Coming aboriginal since 1991. a story from the New lege of manning the helm of the Heuristic Squelch, Squelch’ mean?” making several failed attempts at Testament...” Berkeley's premiere cultural arts publication. And now, explanation, breaking down in tears and crying your- (We have our own 9. “I have this friend. She as my final act of irreverent defiance, I'd like to provide self to sleep. damn continent) you with a brief list of reasons why being Editor-in- 6. After three years of top ten lists, all of your has cancer.” Editor- in-Chief: 8. “How many dicks have Chief of the Squelch is similar to having your soul slowly thoughts come in list form. devoured by menstruating bengal demons. 7. The villainous horde of molochian soul-devour- Sean Keane you sucked?!” 1. Infrequent publication caused by layout staffers do- ing demons that lives in the Squelch office, which 7. “I've been here for Managing Editor: ing lines and teabagging each other during meetings. are strikingly similar to menstruating bengal demons Patrick Marckesano twelve of what you would 2. Sorority girls (ADPi) being nice to (ADPi) you in the in many ways. call ‘years.’” hopes that you'll (ADPi) mention their house (ADPi) in In conclusion, I’d like to extend a sincere and Creative Editor: 6. “It's amazing, the the hallowed pages of the Squelch (ADPi). earnest invitation to all of you to perform oral sex Patrick Trombley things that get caught in 3. ASUC Politicoes feigning friendship in the hopes that on me. If you are unable to respond favorably to Graphics Editor: your pubic hair...” their names will remain absent from the Squelch. this invitation, you can go and have sex with your- 5. “So the Grand Wizard 4. The length of your penis decreasing by one half self, because as far as I’m concerned, that’s some- Kenny Byerly says to me...” inch with every missed deadline. thing you can go and do. Design Editors: 4. “The court's definition Cynthia Baran of rape is really broad #2 Pencil Not Included Zack Fornaca these days.” Editors Emeritus: 3. “I get $35 every time I As part of its program to review and rate all of UC Berkeley’s offered courses so that nobody in the Allen Haim fill this cup.” Greek System accidentally gets an education, the ASUC announced last week that it will be providing 2. “Ross Clippinger excerpts from the final exams of various popular courses. Allegedly, this will aid the student body in Matt Holohan made a poignant com- selecting more accurately those courses for which they already know the material, and will, in the words of Tyler Roscoe ment today...” ASUC President Patrick Campbell, “Allow me to recruit the entire Freshman class into government intern- ships, thereby perpetuating the legacy of my largely directionless administration.” Business & Advertising 1. “This conversation is The Squelch has obtained a copy of these excerpts, and provides them here for the purposes of, in the (Infantivorous dingo) about to go from bad to words of one staffer, “becoming popular and getting laid. Please?” worse.” Christine Hsu Course: Statistics 124 Course: Computer Science 13 never ever ever be able to find a re- Layout Staff Top Ten Children's Toys Professor: Sometimes Professor: A Pentium III with a Re- spectable, well-paying job in America’s ally Large Monitor commercial-based economy. Neglect (American for Fosters) Based on Diseases 1) If the Jets are 5 point underdogs on fringe effects and effects due to the Within the two hours alotted, es- Michael Cedillos (female), 10. Cancer Patch Kids the road against Denver, what is the curvature of the earth. tablish a congenial rapport with the Stephen Handley, Bret probability that they’ll cover the spread. 9. G.I. Genital Herpes person sitting next to you, with- Course: Cognitive Science 1 Heilig, Boback Ziaeian 8. Tickle Me Mono out discussing programming, the Course: Middle Eastern Studies 110 Professor: A. Turing Asian American Association, 7. My Buddy Who Has (also listed under Geology 5) Lamda Phi Epsilon, your parents, Just what in the hell is going on here? Publicity Coordinators Sickle-Cell Professor: A. Rab (Water down the drain 6. Voltronorrhea or Acura Integras. What is the most effective type of Course: MCB 110 clockwise) 5. Plague Doh stone with which to maim or seriously Course: Anything in Environmental Professor: Staff Bret Heilig, Romie Littrell 4. Leprosy Logs injure an adulterous woman? Remem- Design ber to consider the effects of the Professor: It Doesn’t Matter. All any When prompted, twirl your pen 3. Erectile Dysfunction Writers (How do Set shape, size, and density of the stone, of them ever say is, “You have to fig- around your thumb 500 times and and the possible damping effects due ure that out on your own.” then shove it into the ear of the stu- kangaroos hold pens?) 2. Hungry Hungry Flesh- to her clothing. Consider also the ef- dent to your right. Draw planet Earth on an atomic level Kenny Byerly, Luke Filose, Eating Bacteria fects of evolution on the stone. You using only your thumb and a cheese Allen Haim, Bret Heilig, may ignore its effects on society. Course: Nutritional Science 10 1. Poliokémon crouton. Redesign the Death Star with Matt Holohan, Fred Lee, Professor: J. Craig an emphasis on preventing all those Course: Zoology 5 (also listed un- Sean Keane nasty things that happened to it, and Discuss the “five-second rule” for Top Ten Things That der Business Management 30) incorporating modern knowledge food that has fallen onto the floor, Are Better When Professor: O. MacDonald Photography & Artwork about recycling. Assuming a budget utilizing the phrase, “God made dirt, Wrapped In Bacon 1) Assume a (de-beaked, de-feath- of $18.46, convert Evans Hall to the and dirt don’t hurt.” (Khaki-clad Animal 10. Christmas presents ered, adult) chicken to measure 5 in. second ugliest building in the East Bay. Planet superstars) X 5 in. X 5 in. How many chickens Finally, take all your money to the Course: Political Science 104 9. Fermat's Theorem Allen Haim 8. Malaise can fit in a wire cage of dimensions 3 nearest art supply store, and slip it Professor: Staff ft. X 3 ft. X 3 ft. without a loss in into the mail slot. Then come back Brian Sinclair 7. Daily Cal Copy the following sentence into the meat quality? You may assume they and we’ll give you the real final exam. blank space provided: 6. Inductive reasoning never spread their wings, nor move, The only way democracy can work is Squelch! ASUC 5. Feminist theory nor attempt to peck out each others’ Course: Psychology 140 with a two-party system. Senators (Exiled eyes with their beak-stumps. Developmental Psychology 4. Kevin British Debtors) 3. This list 2) You must give me the recipe for your roast chicken. It’s simply di- Ben Birken, Ivan Jen 2. Matzoh vine. How do you avoid it getting 1. Bacon dry and stringy? Course: Geography 120 Printer (the Von Professor: Staff Trapp family... wait....) Top Ten Things to Use Course: Demography 175 Professor: R. Foxx (field assignment) Beginning at the FRICKE-PARK to Poke Your Eye Out base camp, proceed ten paces north, (510) 489-6543 Where all the White women at? 10. Red Rider BB gun twelve paces east, climb over the large 9. Lauren Bausch's rock, dig beneath the crossed palm Course: Math 140 Contributors trees and thar be yer treasure, matey. breasts Professor: H. H. Wu (Vegemite sandwiches) 8. Circle jerk gone horri- Professor: B. Spock Arrrrrrr. Derive an expression for how much I Is this or is this not the cutest thing Jason Bernstein, Lydia bly awry hate you. you have ever seen? Course: Mass Communications 190 Chen, Paul Cornelius, David 7. Heimlich manuever by Professor: J. Johnson Davidson, Dani Dechter, Mr. T Course: Physics 105 What did you have for breakfast this Jenny Greengold, Ani 6. Contact lens Professor: B. Nye morning? Explain. Gupta, Eran Karmon, Matt 5. Cement on walkway Explain why, even in a frictionless en- (Alternatively, you may list common Kaufman, Peter Maris, Jon outside Evans vironment free of air resistance, you’ll breakfast foods.) Pennington, Yas Raouf, 4. Your other eye Adina Ringler, Richard The Squelch would 3. Mrs. Roper Schulman, Alex Soliven, like to congratulate Ben Shaeffer, Tim Waters 2. Janet Reno's penis Joseph Stalin on ap- 1. An eye-poker-outer Hair curlers at 2 am, drink tea, eat ham, do pearing in four con- the staff box at 5 am, doubt your own reality, secutive issues! See if avoid the word koality, if you're gonna eat a you can spot bagel you might as well get lox, it was a bad everyone's favorite idea to let Bob Dylan do the staff box. Could you remove "Detachable Penis" from the mass-murderer in playlist please? And the 47-second incom- each recent issue. plete version of "In a Big Country"? "Simon" Will you be ready is actually a pretty easy game if you com- pletely ignore the rules and just like the noises when the Heurisitic it makes. Life is much the same way. Squelch prize patrol van comes to your house? THE HEURISTIC SQUELCH MAIL TO: [email protected] MAY 2000 A3 Top Ten Things to Do By Fred Lee During Your Death I Know Eric Gamonal Plunge from Evans Have you met Eric Gamonal? He holds any given situation whilst maintaining ab- along Telegraph Avenue towards campus, 10. Turn in math homework no office yet most senators like him. He dates solute authority. Gamonal will do something when I suddenly felt a stabbing pain in my few women but many find him irresistible. wrong, but the blame slips right off, and in shoulder. I look back and notice there’s liter- 9. Secure your Batarang, Friends he has many, as well as an ever-ex- fact, somehow he’s come out ahead in the ally a fork in it. I look up and see Eric Gamonal. descend safely panding pool of acquaintances. Often times I end. Properly defined, Gamonal is the ar- FRED: What was that for? 8. Comment on poor think of ways to make myself a well-liked and chetypal pesky- ERIC: Hey, are you Evans architecture popular guy. Inevitably, I end up trying to mischievous yet ir- hungry? 7. Minor in Econ emulate Eric Gamonal. resistibly likable So we went to Top 6. Wildly overestimate air Eric Gamonal and I actually share much rogue-thief. Dog. He did end up resistance in common. He has read many American au- Example: buying me a 5. Hock loogie thors, I have read some American authors. Once, Gamonal tried Kielbasa though. I 4. Get some He has the ability to sleep for literally dozens to poison me. We know he didn’t mean 3. Enjoy tasty beverage of hours at a time. I can sleep a good twelve were having some anything by it. or thirteen. He is very funny in public, I am Cap’n Crunch, and I This other time, 2. Catch a Frisbee funnier in private. He has connections to the tasted something Gamonal just kept 1. Put a tennis ball in your illustrious Conor Moore, I have second and bitter in my mouth. kicking me in the ass ass to confuse the coroner third hand connections to the illustrious FRED: What kind of for no reason. And Conor Moore. He’s white, I’m Asian. In fact, poison are you try- of course, he got Top Ten Ways to Be- what I’ve realized is that I’m simply a down- ing to feed me? away with it. I was so have in a Movie Dream graded model of Eric Gamonal. Call me the ERIC: (taking a de- mad, no so much be- Sequence beta test. liberate, Gamonal- cause my ass hurt 10. Repeat your actions It’s not like Gamonal is the best-looking like turn of the and I was crying until they develop an eerie guy in the world, either. Everything he has head) Oh, that? and humiliated and significance done, all the power he commands over legions (He points to the box with cocked wrist.) nearly dropped my lunch money, but because I of man, is achieved by the pure effort of his That’s poisonberry. hadn’t even thought of doing that to anyone, 9. Wear gauzy white dress personality. This makes him all the more ad- I really tried to hate him after that, but that much less had the guts to pull it off. But that’s 8. Associate with dwarves mirable: he is truly a man conceived of his poisonberry joke was flawless, especially since Eric. He’s got the confidence to have that sort 7. Encounter twin self, own Platonic self-image. I got really sick. He even came to visit me at the of imagination. I’m mostly just glad I get to hang fight balletic duel to the What Gamonal has that I lack: confi- hospital, which I thanked him profusely for. around with him, even if he does go a little crazy musical accompaniment dence. Confidence, properly defined, is the Another Gamonal story: There was this every once in a while. I just wish he’d share this of Corey Hart's “Sun- ability to act like nothing is your fault in other time, when I happened to be walking crazy side with others. glasses at Night” 6. Meet Freddy Kreuger; Let Me See Those Want Ads: An Interview with Sisqo die in sleep by Bret Heilig 5. Foreshadow Squelch: Hi Sisqo, thanks for Squelch: Your record label thong, that thong, that thong day have made the same mistake 4. Subconsciously learn coming down to the office on such doesn't give you a bonus for ef- thong thong thong thong.” as me, I have to admit that, unfor- identity of Colonel short notice. fort, do they? tunately, I forgot Marchand's killer through Sisqo: No problem. What would Sisqo: Honesty is pivotal in the about Dre. complex nursery rhyme you like to talk about? music industry. Squelch and Sisqo (to- anagram Guys: What, what, what? Squelch: Of course. gether): Whoa! 3. Become obliterated by Squelch: Uh, what's the deal with Sisqo: Like that one Britney Squelch: Nonetheless, nuclear blast while staring these guys? Spears song. Of course it isn't you seem to have helplessly at innocent chil- Sisqo: Oh, they're always like, about sex with older men. done well for yourself. dren through chain-link “what, what, what,” I can't really Squelch: Right. Sisqo: I don't have to fence explain it. Sisqo: She said so in that inter- ax to use anyone's cell Guys: What, what, what? view with USA Weekend. phone, that's for sure. 2. At conclusion of dream, Squelch: It must have quite an Squelch: I love USA Weekend. Squelch: Moving sit straight up in bed and influence on your songwriting. There’s just something beautifully along, I understand you breathe heavily, while Sisqo: I can't help it, really. I write ironic about any publication that did your own backup sweating profusely what I know. features exercise tips from George vocals on this track. 1. Wake up into another Squelch: I'd like to talk about your Foreman. Sisqo: Yep. dream, shake fist and curse famous hit song... Guys: What, what, what? Squelch: [reading self-referential film-making Sisqo: You mean “The Thong Squelch: Do they ever stop do- from notes] “I like it Song”? ing that? when the booty goes Top Ten Christopher Squelch: Yes, that one. Just for Sisqo: Naw, man. dun-nun-dun-nun.” Reeve Pet Peeves the record, could you give us the Squelch: I have a copy of the lyr- Sisqo: Well, I do. actual title of the song? ics to the song here... Squelch: When does 10. How Stephen Hawking Sisqo: That is the name of the song. Sisqo: Great lyrics. the booty go dun- hogs all the quadriplegic Squelch: “The Thong Song”? Squelch: Let me see...now here in Sisqo: I love that part. nun-dun-nun, exactly? media attention Sisqo: Yep. the refrain, I have, “Let me see that Squelch: It has an almost sing- Sisqo: Oh, you couldn't say 9. Lukewarm critical re- song quality to it. for certain. ception for Superman V: Sisqo: Originally, I wanted it to go, Squelch: But it has been known The Quest for a Wider “Let me see that thong, that thong to happen? Bathroom Stall thong thong, that thong thong Sisqo: Oh, yes. 8. An itch in that hard-to- thong thong thong thong thong Squelch: And you like it? reach spot on your back thong,” but I felt that gave it a Sisqo: It's awesome, man. 7. An itch... well, anywhere certain postmodern bitterness, Squelch: Now, Sisqo, there's been which I wanted to avoid. some talk of you doing an en- 6. Kryptonite respirators Squelch: I see what you mean. dorsement for a certain Internet- 5. Didn’t even get a call Sisqo: I think the simplified version infrastructure company. We've back after his audition for is much truer to its inspiration. also all heard rumors about the Dead Man Walking Squelch: Would you say you're competing offer from a certain 4. Can no longer go zoom unsatisfied with any aspect of processed-food manufacturer. a zoom, zoom, zoom and the recording? Care to comment? a boom boom Sisqo: Although I feel validated Sisqo: Only if you let me see 3. When legs fall asleep by the fact that many artists to- that thong. from sitting in wheelchair too long 2. All the good men are ei- ther married or gay 1. Insensitive top ten lists THE HEURISTIC SQUELCH WWW.SQUELCHED.COM MAY 2000 A4 Why does Nobody Ever Want to Watch the Video of Me Beating Rush'n Attack? by Allen Haim knife! That's democracy for you!" But people just aren't appreciative of high-brow wit. And without fail, when I Growing up in Sweden, I mention that I actually have the video on my person (!) realised a great many things about no one wants to watch it. In any case, let me describe it a great many people, including myself. I learned that no for you. matter how tough you think you are, people can always It starts off with real Cold War footage of FDR, hurt your feelings. For example, although I carry Mark Stalin, and Mao. Then I inserted a clip from Citizen Wilson's Amateur Magic Kit with me everywhere, includ- Kane, you know, the stormy shot of Hearst Castle, but ing the small fuzzy balls, the trick rope, and the marked just for effect. Then while the armed commando is jump- cards, no one ever wants to see me tie a rope in a knot ing out of the helicopter, one hears a voiceover of me and then slide the knot off and throw it in the air and describing my mission and what I'm about to do. Most catch it in my mouth. That hurts. Especially since it takes of the rest is straightforward. However, during one me a good fifteen minutes to "set up," magically speak- tense scene where it seems that my invincible star ing, every morning, just in case I do run across someone would run out before I reached the boss where the who wants to see a trick. But what hurts most of all is the three guys on flying motorcycles throw grenades at fact that nobody, but nobody, ever wants to see the video our hapless commando, I dubbed in "Staying Alive" I made of me beating the classic Nintendo game from by the Bee Gees. I couldn't help myself; I'm a born Konami, Rush'n Attack. entertainer really. (I love to make people laugh too, In grade school people used to make fun of me for example, by exclaiming, "well, you sure smell like for the special container I would port my daily beverage one," winking, when they least expect it. But that's an- in. You try keeping breast milk fresh until the afternoon! other story.) High school and college weren't much better. And now One time I was watching the video late at night that I'm a successful assistant executive layout supervi- and my doorbell rang. It was a pizza delivery boy with sor for ads in the yellow pages, I can't get a single per- the wrong address. Naturally, I invited him in. "I'll even son to watch my video. I know that people at work no- pay for the pizza," I offered. "JUST WATCH THE VIDEO!!!" tice and appreciate my work, but I have always hoped He didn't though. Am I surprised? Not really. He just didn't that someone at the office other than Mrs. Applesby would have time, I suppose. While he stood there, I continually notice my artistic side, which comes out in the fonts I use glanced nervously at the screen, because I was nearing (one time I even used the font "Hobo!") Or how about the secret weapon, and though I have seen it a thousand the (admittedly automated) drop shadows I add? times, and I know that I do manage to bring Peace at Last It is precisely this artistic side which comes out in to the world, I always get anxious when it seems as though the video of me playing this, the hardest of NES games, I won't be able to detonate the secret weapon. (Between and winning. You know, I'll bet some people will play you and me, while Rush'n Attack is the hardest game ever Rush'n Attack hundreds of times without noticing the clever created, the so-called "secret-weapon" at the end is fright- pun in the name. Also, some friends have commented fully easy to destroy.) negatively on the repeating background. I have set them Other than the pizza-delivery debacle, my life re- straight, however, pointing out that the repeating Sibe- ally isn't the wild rollercoaster it may seem. Sometimes, I rian mountain-scape, for example, is a metaphor for like, wish I could just live in obscurity, like the blond-haired, monotony. Sometimes you have to spell things out for blue-eyed masses. Maybe take an occasional trip to people, you know? Venice, you know, that sort of thing. Instead, I must take At parties, I try to segue into Rush'n Attack-re- my lot, and struggle as the artiste that I am. The agonising lated conversations, with varying degrees of success. lows of being such are indeed an integral part of my The most common segue keywords are "Russians," lonely existence. But I do so wish that someone other than "video games," "Konami," "war," or any references at the random doorbell ringer in my life would take an in- all to the Japanese. My transitions are seamless, and I terest in my video. always end with "Can you believe they sent him inside After all, it is a really hard game, you know? the enemy's compound with nothing but a knife? A

Death of the Superman by F. Nietzsche Great Moments in Napster History WHY WON’T YOU REALIZE MY CLARITY OF VISION IS THAT GOOD AND EVIL ARE NO MATCH FOR HIS OBSTI- Mid-19th century: Cherokee Indians exchange war songs through intricate system of smoke NAUGHT BUT ARBITRARY NATE CLOSED-MINDEDNESS! signals. Shut down when Sitting Bull sues, demanding $100 and a buffalo pelvis for each of MORAL DISTINCTIONS?! his songs traded in that manner. 1874: Karl Marx's General Theory on Markets predicts rise of mp3 free exchange, outside boundaries of bourgeoisie infrastructure. Book is banned in Germany, England, and Motown. September 24, 1999: A simple download of the Doogie Howser, M.D. theme song takes 37 hours for economically disadvantaged student connecting to Napster using wireless tele- graph. Samuel Morse spins in his grave. (but only because his great-granddaughter marries an Irishman) January 13, 2000: First Napster user has sufficient moxie to falsely claim his 14.4 modem's connection speed as a "T3 or faster." July 13, 2000: Napster's stock quadruples in first day after IPO, as investors gush over profit potential of free software, available from website completely devoid of advertising. Pending litigation from every single band and record company in America leaves investors salivating.

FEEL THE WRATH OF MORAL RIGHTEOUSNESS, SON OF JOR-EL!

Ah, Vodka! You’ll be the death of me yet, foul Russkie scum!