LOCAL NEWS NATIONAL NEWS -Justin Vedder #1 Pick in Alternate Dimension Bizarro NFL Draft -Felonious Monk Bops Brother -“Man” Pronounced “Dead” by Illiterate Paramedic -“Duck Hunt” Remains Least Popular Nesticle Download -Skateboarding Now a Crime -Phone.com Calls Ghostbusters.com -White Student Only Vaguely Understands His Chinese Tattoo -Battered Women’s Support Site Gets 5 Million Hits -”Stanfurd” Fan Chased from Cheese ‘N’ Stuff for Knife-Chasing, Spitting -Government Requires Monitoring of Nocturnal Emissions May 2000 Vol. 9 Issue 5 Local Idiots Mad Scientist Emerges Stumble Upon from Laboratory with Printing Press New Wheel Design BY BRET HEILIG BY LUKE FILOSE According to Dusseldorf, GUY WITH FACE wheel design technology has ad- FUCKING LOONY TOON vanced considerably in the past Students tittered briefly last Doctor Klaus “White Knuck- five millennia, but strong vested month as The California Patriot, les” Dusseldorf shocked the interests in the international making its official publishing de- world Monday when he emerged wheel lobby have stifled innova- but, delivered a walloping dose of from his lab deep in the Swiss Alps tion. “I’ve received death healthy conservative thought to with a potentially groundbreaking threats,” he said. “Apparently, the UC campus. Featuring several discovery: he claims to have re- someone is making a lot of money correctly spelled words and dis- invented the wheel. on the current wheel and doesn’t playing a keen sense of how to Looking haggard but confi- appreciate my efforts.” Asked to operate Microsoft Paint, the soon- dent outside of his laboratory, in describe his new wheel design, to-be-famous first issue left a last- front of a large gathering of the Dusseldorf was less forthcoming. ing impression on the minds of at press, Dusseldorf proclaimed, “I “It’s not completely unlike a least eighteen parents who, al- have done what people have been mobius-strip, but then again, if though they could not be reached sadly reluctant to do since the you said ‘Wow! That thing for comment, are almost undoubt- wheel was first invented 5000 looks like Medusa’s head edly bursting with pride at the ac- years ago in Mesopotamia. I have fucked a Fender Stratocaster,’ complishments of their offspring. Abandoned shell of vegetarian restaurant still re-designed it from the ground up, I wouldn’t think you were com- Local reaction to the periodi- proudly displays “Best of the East Bay” award. and the result is very exciting.” pletely nuts either.” cal varied widely, with at least one journalism major noting, “Top ten Southside Resident “Probably lists? Jokes written in teeny tiny Chinese Publishing Firm print underneath the credits? Assaulted,” Say Police Mountains of unsold ad space? BY KENNY BYERLY tainly been filed, the victim was These are the kinds of things we Releases The Tao of Tao walking in a place frighteningly SAFELITE® AUTO GLASS expect from Junior High School “It's a fuckin' religion, people. Remember?” near where you live, at a sur- publications.” Satisfied readers, A UC Berkeley student prisingly early time of night as well, could be heard express- BY DRIBIDY C. BOPTON this post-modern hippie shit. was “probably assaulted” last that you’d think would be safe, ing their feelings: “I hate fags too! How would you like it if we week while walking home to his when the suspect appeared, USER, CHEATER, SIX-TIME LOSER Haw Haw!” exclaimed one un- started publishing books called, or her southside residence, probably brandishing a pretty washed bystander. In the wake of the success in Reds are From Mars, Experts are Berkeley police told reporters scary weapon of some sort. At When interviewed over the the West of several popular-cul- From Venus or The World Ac- today. Officers said the victim this point, the suspect no doubt phone about their plans for future ture books based on the ancient cording to Mao? That would fix most likely described the sus- assaulted the victim and de- issues, Patriot editors demurred, Chinese religion called “Taoism,” your collective wagon(s).” He pect in a vague and unhelpful manded something desirable, way, and stated that there is vir- saying, "There are only so many such as The Tao of Physics, The added that the teachings of Lao presumably money. tually no chance that the sus- knock-knock jokes about the Tao of Symbols, and The Tao of Tzu, the ancient sage of Taoism, “I haven’t really looked at pect will be caught, assuming any reports yet,” explained Ber- Clinton marriage. What are we Peace, and such light-hearted are not a “trendy little trifle to there is a suspect. keley police captain Bobby supposed to do? Write sophisti- musings as The Tao of the Pooh glance at over the morning's According to the police Miller, “But I think that’s a cated conservative essays?" Fur- and The Tao of Dow, the Chinese wretched smoothie. Especially if report which has almost cer- pretty safe bet, don’t you?” ther inquiries as to the possibility division of Harcourt-Brace has it's got ginseng added to it.” that The Patriot was merely a lib- just released an emotionally In related news, the Ameri- eral plot to portray conservatives charged book called The Tao of can division is soon to release Man Not Comforted by Assurance That as intellectually hopeless met with Tao. The author wishes to remind The Tao of Ginseng Smoothies, “There are Always Other Ayatollahs” abrupt silence, then the sound of people that “Taoism is a religion, certified by the Wisconsin Gin- lots of people running out of a goddammit,” and that “Master seng Board, with a coupon for a BY LEVITICUS G. WILLIAMS S.R.: Oh and I'm not busy, writing room in a hurry. Lao wouldn't be pleased with all free ginseng smoothie. VENTURE COMMUNIST pretentious stories about how Brit- ain is unlike India, and how India, Life isn't as it used to be for conversely, is unlike Britain? Voters Turn Out in Support of Candy, Breasts 28-year old Adam Scroggy, who A.K.: Wait a minute: is this Salman used to get his kicks conference Rushdie? BY MATT HOLOHAN according to Student Action member Sarah calling two numbers and then S.R.: Who wants to know? Culuben, whose perky bosoms have earned her a PLUNDERING PUNDIT staying quiet. Here is a transcript Ohhhhh, THAT Ayatollah. I knew senate seat. from his glory-days, ten years ago: you sounded familiar. Listen, stop With this year's ASUC elections showing “Not every candidate had the courage to wear calling me. It's not funny anymore. another successful campaign for the Student a low-cut blouse for their constituencies,” Ring, ring [phone rings] A.K: For the last time, you called Action Party, it's clear that Berkeley voters are Culuben told reporters. “But I did, and the voters Ayatollah Khomeini: Ayatollah me, you freak... still showing strong support for free candy and obviously respect that.” speaking. attractive breasts. Added Culuben, “Hey, my eyes are up Salman Rushdie: Hello? “Holding my breath, stifling an oc- Said one Student Action supporter, “Dude, here, guys.” A.K: Yes, how can I help you? casional snicker or hiccup, those these guys have little mints with their names on Student Action members have promised to S.R.: What do you mean? You were the days,” Scroggy remarked. them! How cool is that?” The voter then began continue to support their platform in the coming called me. “But now chat rooms are in; cheerfully sucking on a handful of Nick Papas year. Their proposed programs include dropping A.K.: Do you think that's funny? Rushdie's free; and Khomeini's dead. sour candies. showers of gum drops from helicopters and imple- Really, I'm a busy man. I've got My friends tell me, ‘Don't worry, Breasts turned out to be another hot issue, menting “Topless Fridays” in Eshleman Hall. places to go, people to do. What Adam. There are always other Aya- do you want? tollahs.’ But it's just not the same.” A2 MAY 2000 WWW.SQUELCHED.COM THE HEURISTIC SQUELCH Top Ten Signs that a Conversation is Turn- Later On, Bitches by Matt Holohan The ing from Bad to Worse Heuristic Squelch 10. “That reminds me of For the past year, I have had the illustrious privi- 5. Being constantly asked “What does ‘Heuristic Coming aboriginal since 1991. a story from the New lege of manning the helm of the Heuristic Squelch, Squelch’ mean?” making several failed attempts at Testament...” Berkeley's premiere cultural arts publication. And now, explanation, breaking down in tears and crying your- (We have our own 9. “I have this friend. She as my final act of irreverent defiance, I'd like to provide self to sleep. damn continent) you with a brief list of reasons why being Editor-in- 6. After three years of top ten lists, all of your has cancer.” Editor- in-Chief: 8. “How many dicks have Chief of the Squelch is similar to having your soul slowly thoughts come in list form. devoured by menstruating bengal demons. 7. The villainous horde of molochian soul-devour- Sean Keane you sucked?!” 1. Infrequent publication caused by layout staffers do- ing demons that lives in the Squelch office, which 7. “I've been here for Managing Editor: ing lines and teabagging each other during meetings. are strikingly similar to menstruating bengal demons Patrick Marckesano twelve of what you would 2. Sorority girls (ADPi) being nice to (ADPi) you in the in many ways. call ‘years.’” hopes that you'll (ADPi) mention their house (ADPi) in In conclusion, I’d like to extend a sincere and Creative Editor: 6.