Session 3 - Continuing the Weekend

SESSION 3 - CONTINUING THE WEEKEND WHO AM I? PERSONALITY, ATTITUDES, FEARS, AND JUDGMENTS

1. Greet couples with a couple-hug. Send kids to kid room. -Light a candle (not absolutely required, but it is a nice reminder of the Holy Spirit, of the fire of our love, and of the specialness of the occasion). -Begin with all couples seated in a circle as couples.

2. -Hold hands and begin with prayer. This can be a Scripture reading, a formal prayer (Our Father, etc), a led prayer, or open prayer. Suggested Scripture: 1 Corinthians 12:4 - 11 "There are different kinds of spiritual gifts but the same Spirit; there are different forms of service but the same Lord; there are different workings but the same God who produces all of them in everyone. To each individual the manifestation of the Spirit is given for some benefit. To one is given through the Spirit the expression of wisdom; to another the expression of knowledge according to the same Spirit; to another faith by the same Spirit; to another gifts of healing by the one Spirit; to another mighty deeds; to another prophecy; to another discernment of spirits; to another varieties of tongues; to another interpretation of tongues. But one and the same Spirit produces all of these, distributing them individually to each person as he wishes."

3. PRESENTATION (keep under 30 minutes - 20 to 25 if you can do it) To get the most out of dialogue, we need to do some work to get to know ourselves better. There are several important aspects of knowing ourselves that will help us to understand and accept ourselves, acknowledge the thoughts and feelings that make us who we are, and enable us to make appropriate changes to improve ourselves and our relationships. Some of this presentation re-visits topics that were touched on during your weekend, but we'd like to expand on these concepts.

A. The first important concept is that we all have basic needs we try to meet. For many of us, we may be more driven by one or two of these needs than by the others, but we are still all motivated by these basic needs: 1. The need to love and be loved. We need to be able to give to others and to receive from others. 2. The need for belonging. The need to fit in somewhere. We want to have ties to other people; to have roots, to be part of something bigger than ourselves. This is the need for my existence to matter to someone. 3. The need for self-worth. We need to appreciate our goodness - to like ourselves and to feel important or valued. 4. The need for freedom. This is the need to be free to be myself; to develop my individual personhood, to be able to stand on my own two feet and not have to lean on someone else to be complete. 5. Need for affection. Need to be liked and for physical demonstration of that. 6. Need for respect. To be seen as a person of value. 7. Need for approval. This is the need to know we have met others' expectations - that we are okay. 8. Need for significance. Need to be seen as important or special. 9. Need for recognition. The need to be looked up to - admired - status. 10. Need for appreciation. Need to hear or see a thank you. 11. Other needs you may think of. Much of our behavior is driven by these needs, and many of our feelings are a direct response to judgments we make about whether or how well these needs are being met. Feelings are a signal of met or un-met needs.

B. One of the keys to unlocking our hearts lies in identifying our mask or masks. It may help to think of your mask as your public image you project. We all know we don't behave exactly the same when no -one is looking as we do in front of the boss. We have an image to protect with the boss, or our kids' teachers, or the priest, or our neighbors. We naturally want others to like or respect us, and so we behave in ways that seem to meet our four basic needs. We each have a predominant mask, and it is essential to understand how that mask affects our outlook, feelings, judgments and attitudes. We encourage you to do the work to identify your mask. To help you we have a handout with some dialogue questions and with some typical masks. Your mask can be any unique name you want to call it, but it should capture the image you primarily project to others. The mask is a GOOD thing in most situations. In fact, it is probably what your spouse first fell in love with - those qualities that attracted him or her to you. The mask makes you successful. It is only a problem when it interferes with the intimacy between you or causes you to act against your own best interests. The mask is who you are - it isn't something you take on and off. 1. Husband describe his mask. (4 minutes) Start by naming your mask. Tell how you present yourself to others to be liked, accepted and seen as important. Tell the communication and interaction patterns you have developed to accomplish this. Describe the personality style you have developed to get other people to like and notice you. Describe an incident from your childhood when your mask gained you acceptance and recognition. Describe an incident from your adolescence - how you acted to gain acceptance from those who were important to you - family, friends, schoolmates, a teacher, etc. Let them know that for men, looking at adolescence and what they did to get peers to accept them is often a big clue to what their mask is. Also, looking to what motivates them - fear, need for respect, self-protection, need to be successful or the best - can give a big clue (what is the most upsetting thing that can happen to you? To be embarrassed, to fail, to be condescended to, to displease someone, to lose your cool, to lose control?) Let them know that it may have taken you awhile to be comfortable admitting that this was your mask - this seems to be especially true for pleaser type personalities. 2. Wife describe her mask. ( 4 minutes) Do as above, except that for women the key incident that can help you identify your mask is often in childhood and their relationship with a parent.

C. How I manage conflict: (3 min) 1. Defensive behaviors and response patterns. One of the things we need to learn to do to relate intimately with our spouses and to be able to listen is to identify our defensive behaviors, and concentrate on disengaging these during dialogue. See if you hear your defensive behaviors in this list: - Denying: “No. That’s not the way it happened.” - Minimizing: “It’s not that bad.” - Explaining: Giving background, details. - Justifying: Giving yourself reasons. - Remaining silent: Not responding. - Counterattacking: Bringing up the other’s faults. - Using sarcasm: “I suppose you’re perfect!” - Agreeing: “Yeah. Uh-huh. You’re right.” - Joking: Using humor inappropriately. Making light of the matter. - Blaming: Non acceptance of personal responsibility. - Changing the subject: Closing off the issue prematurely. - Trivializing: Picking out one little detail that’s not quite right and discussing that rather than the larger issue and feelings. These behaviors can shut down our dialogue. If we learn to recognize that we are practicing these behaviors, we can learn to nip them in the bud and choose to put aside self-defense in favor of growth.

2. We gave you some fair fighting rules on the Weekend (these are summarized on your handout as a reminder). Here are some other positive steps I can take: - Choose to forgive a hurt. Don’t choose to live in hurt. - Be honest and acknowledge a hurt. Be sure the hurt is legitimate - am I being a martyr or being oversensitive? - Be honest about expectations, and when my expectations are not met, check my motive. Remember Matthew 7:3: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” - Check your motivation behind the desire to confront. Do I have a hidden agenda? - Pray for each other.

D. Learn to recognize judgments, attitudes and thoughts. (3 min) As I describe my feelings and I keep coming back to WHY I feel this way, I try look at the hidden judgments I have made, the attitudes that are part of my outlook, and the threats to my mask or self-image. (Give a quick example. Something like: I was angry when you came home late from work today. This helps us to acknowledge a feeling, but there is more to it, and I cannot take responsibility for my needs unless I look even deeper. It could be a variety of things. I feel angry because I made a judgment about you, that you did not care about me enough to let me know you would be late. I felt hurt because I judged I was unimportant. This opens the door to change. For instance, I may discover that he was stuck in traffic with no way to call me. Then I realize my judgment was off-base, and my hurt naturally vanishes. Or I may find that he didn’t realize how I felt about the lateness, and he may want to change. Or I may discover that I am totally preoccupied with my own convenience, rather than finding out what his needs are.) E. Learn to take responsibility for yourself. (2 min) (Relate to your above example: If I focus on garbage dumping - you make me feel this way or act this way - I shift all the responsibility to someone else. And I cannot control someone else; I can only control me.) Whenever possible express your feelings and judgments in terms of “I”.

F. Attitudes and Fears: (5 min) Our attitudes and fears may become a barrier to intimacy. We can hide behind these attitudes or use them as justification for what we don't want to do. (Share on some attitudes and fears you have discovered in yourself, in general or in specific settings, and how they affected your relationship. Fears can be of having to change, of embarrassment, of losing composure, of revealing more than the mask, of losing respect, of hurting my spouse, of getting into a fight.) Direct them to look at the handout listing some typical attitudes and ask them to look at whether they see these in themselves. PLAY SONG - "Unspoken Love"

4. Give 10 and 10. Time this. Have paper and pens available for those who forgot. Explain they can move to other locations (hall, corners of the room, outside) and you will notify them at the end of each 10 minutes. They can stay with their dialogue, but we will continue the meeting. DIALOGUE QUESTION: What attitude do I have that interferes most with our relationship? How do I feel telling you this?

5. Announce that we will break into smaller groups and will have until (15 minutes before the end of 2 hours) to share. Then we will reassemble together. Break into small groups by geographical location (start with east/west and go from there) up to five couples with each CTW team or strong couple. Give sharing question and lead by example time-wise. There should be about 40 minutes for this if the first part went right. If we have to cut off sharing to be done in 2 hrs, let them know we can still share at the socializing time afterward. How do I want others to see me? HDMAMMF?

6. Reassemble for announcements and administrative stuff. Be sure to announce needs for prayer couples, baby- sitting, etc. Let them know when to come help carry bags etc for the next weekend and when to come for the greet- off. HAND OUT TAKE-HOME QUESTIONS.

7. Gather for closing prayer. If you are low on time, a Glory Be is great. Otherwise, end with whatever prayer form you like.

8. Close by singing Our Song (There's A New World Somewhere) - This is the end of the meeting.

9. Snack as desired, and clean up. WHO AM I?

IDENTIFYING MY MASK Begin by writing out a list of your best qualities. Your mask is in these, because it is your best foot forward. These are some typical masks and SOME of the characteristics they CAN have. The first three often hit on a major facet of any mask. You may identify with more than one of these at times, but when you examine yourself thoroughly you will begin to see where one predominates. 1. The Friendly Helper: Needs everybody to be happy and needs to be needed. The shoulder to cry on. Nice guy, good listener, volunteer, mother hen. As a child, under stress will cuddle. Most distressed when unable to help. Main vice is overly sensitive. Has the gentleness of Christ. 2. The Achiever: Has to have a list of things to accomplish. Feels good when has things done. The "good mother", "good father", "good provider", "good housekeeper". Executive type - likes everyone to be busy. May be a perfectionist. As an athlete, likes to take on a challenge. As a child under stress, tries to win back favor by doing something. Views self in terms of accomplishments. Most distressed by failure, doing a bad job or not finishing a job. Main vice is pride. Has the goodness of Christ. 3. The Logical Thinker: Feelings aren't facts... only facts are facts. It is important to know the right answer. Feels good and accepted when he can solve your problem. "Mr Cool"... nothing flusters him. The in-control person. Strong, silent type.. withdraws to analyze and tells you after he figures it all out. Stickler for details. As a child, withdraws under stress. Most distressed when he is wrong or has made a mistake. Main vice is arrogance. Has the wisdom of Christ. 4. The Crusader: life revolves around fighting for causes. 5. The Clown: usually joking, keeping the tone light and fun. Won't appear to be sad or angry or even down in the dumps in front of others. Is uncomfortable when un-fun feelings are brought up. 6. The Pleaser: wants to make you happy. Service oriented, caring, compassionate, self-sacrificing. The ideal friend. Open, courteous, inoffensive, generous. Can't say no. May be susceptible to peace at any price. 7. Superman or Superwoman: comes through in a pinch. Likes to save the day. Intelligent, problem-solving, courageous, but after the work is over likes to fade back into the background until he or she is needed again. Can do it all without breaking a sweat. 8. Mr/Ms Calm, Cool, Collected: dependable, trustworthy, quiet in mannerism, never gets ruffled or flustered. Maintains composure at all costs. Likes things to be predictable and secure. 9. The Lone Ranger: a loner, who is a good, altruistic person. Works anonymously. Totally virtuous. 10. The Good Christian/Saint: wants to be the perfect Christian - to never sin and to be a model of holiness. Motivated by pleasing God. 11. Mr/Ms Responsibility: wants to do the responsible thing in all cases. You can count on him/her to do what is honest and right. Won't let you down. Totally trustworthy. 12. The Macho man: Stays in that male image - no crying, being a tough guy, bringing home the bacon, doing the men chores and activities, sports enthusiast, men socialize with men. 13. The Feminine Woman. Centers life around homemaking and making her husband happy. Works at a feminine image with clothing, make-up and grooming (you don't see her in his old sweatshirt). Leaves the outdoor manual labor to him - takes care of the nourishment and nurturing. 14. The Chameleon: Takes on the personality of whatever group he is in. If the group is rowdy, so is he; if they are immersed in intellectual conversation, so is he; if they are talking slang, so is he. He is an expert at blending in - not the center attraction. 15. The Coach: always trying to bring out the best in everyone around him. He wants to help you become a better person. Encouraging, teaching, inspiring. 16. The Engineer: a problem-solver. Every problem has a best answer, and he will find it. Objective, analytical, intelligent. 17. Atlas: the whole world rests on his shoulders, and he will rise to the demands of carrying everyone. ******************************************************************************************************************************* FIGHTING RULES: 1. Avoid criticism. 2. No name calling. 3. No blaming. 4. No absolutes. 5. Finish the fight. 6. No third parties. 7. Stay physically close. 8. Relationship matters more than being right.

ATTITUDES 1. An attitude of "We're encountered now, so we should have it all together" doesn't allow for failures or fights or bad days. To overcome this attitude, you may need to realize that we are all imperfect. Our holiness is in our journeying, it isn't a destination off in the distance. Fighting for our relationship is good.

2. An attitude of winning at all costs sets us up to have a winner and a loser. I may win the battle but lose the war. Taking on an attitude of loving rather than winning can help me change.

3. An attitude of me first makes sure I take care of my own needs before any other. It keeps me focused in on myself. Perhaps taking on an attitude of humility could help me overcome this. I can try to focus on putting my spouse first, and therefore putting our relationship first.

4. An attitude of self-protection avoids confrontation and avoids risk. To make the relationship first I can choose to trust in my spouse's goodness and decide to risk for the betterment of our relationship. I can work on developing the qualities of honesty and openness.

5. An attitude of measuring, score keeping or 50/50 limits giving to what my spouse does. I keep accounts of debts owed and seek to assert my rights. An effort to develop an attitude of forgiveness may help, as will an effort to become more understanding and generous.

6. An attitude of superiority or constant criticism or martyrdom hurts my spouse. Perhaps an effort to focus on his or her good qualities will help me to overcome this attitude. I may need to make it safer for my spouse to risk being open with me by cultivating the quality of acceptance. I might need to be more affirming of my spouse.

7. An attitude of inferiority or pessimism squashes hope or puts my spouse up on a pedestal. Perhaps I need to forgive myself for my shortcomings and accept myself as I am, remembering my strengths. I may need to remind myself that God Does Not Make Junk and spend some time meditating on the goodness of all of God's creation.

8. An attitude of peace at any price deprives us of the richness of an honest, open relationship. I may need to develop my confidence in my spouse, and choose to take the risk of breaking peace, focusing on hope in the reward of intimacy.

9. I may have an attitude of stubbornness, just not wanting to give in. To overcome this obstacle I may want to work on developing the quality of generosity, and turn my focus from myself and my needs to the needs of my spouse.

10. An attitude of independence deprives my spouse of a sense of belonging. I may need to take on humility and gentleness and purposely allow my spouse to share with me.

11. An attitude of indifference or laziness says it just isn't worth the time/effort/money/sacrifice to give of myself for the sake of our relationship. Perhaps I need to remind myself of the value of the gift my spouse is to me, and choose to push myself past my first inclinations. I can work at becoming more energetic, and respect my spouse enough to demonstrate my love.

12. An attitude that gentleness is weakness can deprive me of experiencing an aspect of our sexuality and of deeper communication. I can choose to put on humility and risk letting myself be vulnerable to the one who loves me as no other does. I can realize that gentleness is regarded as strength by my spouse.

13. An attitude that life must always be fun can keep me from knowing myself and my spouse intimately. I can choose to take on the qualities of honesty and courage and allow myself to experience the full range of experiences life has to offer.

14. An attitude that children come first sets us up for a focus that will one day go away. I can remind myself that the best gift I can give my children is a good marriage between their parents and choose to be appreciative of my spouse and show him or her attentiveness.

DIALOGUE QUESTIONS TO HELP YOU FIND OUT YOUR MASK: 1. What kind of failure disturbs me most and 14. When I withdraw into my shell, HDTMMF? HDTMMF? 15. When you withdraw into your shell, HDTMMF? 2. What quality of yours do I most admire and 16. How do I want you to see me, and is it the same HDTMMF? as I want others to see me? HDIFAT? 3. How do I act so that others will accept me? 17. What quality in you am I most dependent on? HDTMMF? HDIFAT? 4. What do I do in a group of strangers to be 18. How do I feel when I do something "klutzy"? accepted and HDTMMF? 19. How do I feel when I need to be loved? 5. Looking back over my day, what act or 20. What are my thoughts when I hear the achievement makes me feel best about myself? statement, "God does not make junk"? HDIFAT? HDTMMF? 21. HDIF when you give me a compliment? 6. What kind of compliment makes me feel good? 22. HDIF when I judge myself inadequate, guilty, or Describe the feelings. unlovable? 7. How do I want others to see me? 23. What do I try NOT to be seen as (weak, dumb, 8. What are my best qualities? frivolous, impractical, etc)? HDMAMMF? 9. What do I do to gain acceptance and profit 24. When do I repress my feelings? HDIFAT? emotionally? 25. What do I do to get relief from emotional pain 10. What roles do I play? when I am tired, lonely, angry or hurting? 11. How do I react to compliments? HDMAMMF? 12. What kind of criticism distresses me? 26. What nickname do my co-workers or family 13. What is my greatest compulsion? members have for me? HDIFAT? *********************************************************************************************************************************** *** OTHER DIALOGUE QUESTIONS: 16. Do I feel comfortable hugging you and the 1. In what ways have we been married singles? children? HDMAMMF? How have I tried to change this, and how do I feel 17. Do I believe it is important to be on time? about these changes? HDMAMMF? 2. In what areas of our relationship am I still private 18. Do I think separate nights out is good for our because I don't trust you to understand? HDTMMF? relationship? HDMAMMF? 3. Have I made a decision to love this week, and 19. Do I think life is fair? HDMAMMF? HDTMMF? 20. Do I believe we should have at least one family 4. How does my mask prevent me from listening to meal a day? HDMAMMF? you with my heart and HDTMMF? 21. Do I like to drop in on people? HDIFAT? 5. How does the image I project affect our dialogue? 22. Do I like for people to drop in on us? HDIF when HDIFAT? it happens? 6. How does the image I project affect our 23. Do I believe we should share household tasks? relationship? HDIFAT? HDMAMMF? 7. What has our dialogue done for my self-image? 24. Do I believe it is important to take a yearly family HDIFAT? vacation? HDMAMMF? 8. Do I expect security from our marriage? 25. Do I think it is important to go to church every HDMAMMF? week? HDMAMMF? 9. Do I expect companionship from our marriage? 26. Do I enjoy being pampered? HDIF when I am? HDMAMMF? 27. Is the money mine, ours, or yours? HDMAMMF? 10. Do I expect tenderness and understanding in our 28. Is family planning my job, your job, or ours? marriage? HDMAMMF? HDMAMMF? 11. Do I expect encouragement from you? 29. HDIF when you hold my hand? HDMAMMF? 30. HDIF when we disagree on something? 12. Do I expect intellectual closeness from our marriage? HDMAMMF? 13. Do I expect us to be involved in mutual activities? HDMAMMF? 14. Do I believe children should be seen and not heard? HDMAMMF? 15. Do I have "my chair" or "my spot"? HDIF when someone else sits there? HDMAMMF?