Gazette Reporters Have Been Alerted to a Bizarre Sequence of Christmastide Visitations

Pastorgeists!? Hark, A Church Newsletter! Gazette reporters have been alerted to a bizarre sequence of Christmastide visitations, which sources say amount to “poorly conceived Dickensian melodrama”: the yuletide haunting of a local clergyman by the ghosts of pastors past. Charles Pickwick, pastor of the Flotilla Baptist Church, said the hauntings began when he was sitting up in his “theologian’s ivory tower” [study], counting the pennies he’d pinched from the poor and “thanking God that I’m not like other people – sinners!” Suddenly there stood before him the spectral form of a Baptist minister from a hundred years before. This stern spirit reprimanded him for his greed, pride, and hypocrisy. Pastor Pickwick was much abashed, and told reporters that “it seemed fun at the time to be The Pontoon Gazette arrogant and to store up treasures for myself here on earth, but in Managing Editor: Horace S. Epworth, esq.1 retrospect I see how those behaviors were the littlest bit inconsistent with the gospel of Jesus Christ.” Including: But the manifestations didn’t stop there. Other ministers from Local Minister Haunted by Ghosts of Pastors Past! the centuries of church history appeared, and each in succession Full Story on back page… berated Pastor Pickwick for some flaw after another. Some of them tackled real issues in his life, such as his slothful prayer life and lazy sermon composition. But others were more…nit- picky. They focused on theological minutiae of the “pre- or post- tribulation premillennial rapture?” variety, and made harsh comments about the pastor’s sense of fashion and color coordination. “One Methodist preacher in particular harangued me for not wearing a frock coat with tails,” Pastor Pickwick moaned. “I tried to tell him they’ve gone out of style, but he wouldn’t believe me.” Indeed, it is surprising that they ever did go out of style. How did this nightmare end? Eventually the hauntee lost his patience, and told the lot of them off. “For all I know, you’re all just a bad dream!” he said to them. “You may be an undigested bit of leftover Thanksgiving turkey, a blot of pure Canadian maple syrup grade-A fancy, a fragment of underdone Pizza Hut. There’s more of high pulp OJ than the pulpit about you!” And just like that, they left. The welfare of churchkind is their business! For now. Oooooooooo… 1 Is this a pseudonym? from the A Two-Monthly Calendar, for Pastor’s Quill Your Convenience January – February 2017 The meaning of Christmas is multi-faceted as a diamond, beautiful and profound to unguessed depths. When we search the Sunday, Jan. 1st: Communion; New Year’s Day mystery of the Incarnation we find the truths of God’s infinite th wisdom, abundant love, and His power at work in a lost world. Wednesday, Jan. 4 : Monthly Business Mtg. We read, year after year, this story of a child born in Saturday, Jan. 7th: 7:00 PM Christmas Gala Bethlehem and laid in a manger, and we ask: why this way? Why should God choose to become one of us? The questions continue, Tuesday, Jan. 10th: Sun. School Teachers Mtg. culminating even in the matter of the cross: why die for us? Saturday, Jan. 14th: 8:00 AM Men’s Breakfast It seems a strange way to save the world. But God knows all things, and in His infinite wisdom He chose this humble path. Monday, Jan. 16th: Martin Luther King Day We may not know all the “whys”, but God has told us in many ways about the purpose of the Incarnation and the road Jesus Thursday, Jan. 19th: 2:00 PM Ladies’ Tea walked. Thursday, Jan. 26th: Australia Day (for Australians). A good The apostle John says, “The reason the Son of God excuse to go out for dinner at the Outback. I’m sure appeared was to destroy the devil’s work” (1 John 3:8b). I’ve got Australian blood somewhere back in the family Think on the magnificence of that image. The devil is tree… undone, his wicked work broken by the power of the Son. From the manger to the empty tomb, that was His purpose. Sunday, Jan. 29th: Church Council Mtg.

That means freedom, rescue for you and me. The devil Thursday, Feb. 2nd: Groundhog Day; if the pastor sees his delights to harm, to devastate human lives and to lead us away shadow…it doesn’t make any difference to anything from God. But Jesus is stronger. The reason He came was to oppose the devil and destroy His work. Sunday, Feb. 5th: Communion

At Christmas was born for us a champion, mighty to save. th We rejoice in the paradox of Bethlehem: a baby is laid in a Wednesday, Feb. 8 : Monthly Business Mtg. manger, and that child has come to save the human race from Saturday, Feb. 11th: 8:00 AM Men’s Breakfast Satan’s grasp. What joy the New Year brings, inviting us to contemplate Tuesday, Feb. 14th: Valentine’s Day; Sun. Schl. Teachers Mtg. the mercy and strength of our Savior. Thursday, Feb. 16th: 2:00 PM Ladies’ Tea Monday, Feb. 20th: Presidents’ Day

Sunday, Feb. 26th: Church Council Mtg.