Citizen Khan 1.1 Wedding Venue

1Citizen Khan 1.1 Wedding Venue

Citizen Khan

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham – the capital of British Pakistan! Community Leader! They all know me – you like my suit? Number One – Citizen Khan!

Episode 1 – Wedding Venue

Shazia Khan: Ooh! Mrs Desai called about the wedding – ______! Mrs Khan: I knew it! ______! She’s punishing me for ______! Oh! Now she’s going to unfriend me on Facebook! Shazia: No – they actually can’t come! ______! Mrs K: Oh! ______! Mr Khan: Open the door! ______! Mrs K: ______! Mr K: Look at this! On special discount from Cash and Carry! Good, uh? Mrs K: ______! Mr K: ______! We’re always running out, because you lot ______! Shazia: ______? Mr K: You only ever need a little bit – look! This – too much! This – too much! This – ______! ______! Mrs K: Why do you have to make such a fuss about toilet tissue? Mr K: Because it costs money! And ______, don’t forget! Shazia: ______, Dad! Mr K: ______! Why do our weddings have to take so long? ______! Twenty minutes in registry office, cucumber sandwich, ______, ______, bye bye! Mrs K: ______! What will the Maliks say? Mr K: Chillax! ______! ______, you are married to a Pakistani businessman, eh! Shazia: Dad, you’re such a cheapskate! ______! Mr K: Chup! I want no backchat from anyone! Mrs K: ______! Mr K: I said chup! Shazia: All these dresses are so beautiful! Mr K: Chup! Mrs K: ______, my darling! Shazia: Oh, thanks, Mum! Mr K: Chup! Mrs K: Amjad is a very lucky- Mr K: I said chup! Is this not bloody working? Lord! Why are you always talking about ______? ______what his bride is wearing! ______! You know, ______, the first thing I thought when I saw her was “Wow! ______”! ______! Go on, be a good daughter for once - ______! 2Citizen Khan 1.1 Wedding Venue

Shazia: What about Alia? ______! Mr K: ______– she’ll be sitting somewhere doing her homework or her prayers or some such thing!

Mr K: Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie! Where are you, darling Alia? Oh! ______! ______! Reading the Koran, uh? Very good! ______, darling? Oh, yes! ______! ___? First the worst, second the best, isn’t it? Mrs K: Have you been ______? Mr K: Why are you sponging this sofa again? ______you’ve sponged it this week! Mrs K: I’m just freshening it up! Mrs Malik is coming round with Amjad tomorrow! I don’t want her ______! As it is, she’s always ______– making out we’re common! Mr K: ______! ______? Anyway, she won’t be thinking that for much longer! You know the President of the Sparkhill Pakistani Business Association? He’s asked me to accompany him to the next meeting! Mrs K: Ah! ______, ______! Shazia: More like ______, ______! Mr K: You know what this means? ______! President Khan! ______? That’ll go down well at the mosque, eh? Mrs K: Oh, by the way – have you booked the mosque ______? Mr K: Yes, ______! Mrs K: Good, because ______, we might have lost the slot! Mr K: ______! Mrs K: And then there would be cancellation! Mr K: ______! Mrs K: And shame! And ______! Mr K: Look – ______? Shazia: ___? Mr K: ____! Look, I’ve booked the mosque, OK? I said I would do it, and ______! Er, ______! ______, ____! Bas! ______, Alia! ______!

Riaz: As-salaamu alaikum, Mr Khan! Mr K: Wa alaikum as-salaam, Riaz! ______? Riaz: ______! Mr K: Oh, of course! Riaz: ______? Mr K: Ah, the Mercedes, eh? Still looking like a brand new! Riaz: Er, this is Omar, ______! Mr K: Excellent! Welcome! Mr Khan, ______! Future President of the Sparkhill Pakistani Business Association! Ask anybodies, ______! Omar: Ah! Salaamu alaikum! ______of such a prominent member of the local community! Mr K: ______? 3Citizen Khan 1.1 Wedding Venue

Riaz: He’s from Somalia! Mr K: Oh!

Mr K: Ah! Oh! Yes! Mrs Bilal: Mr Khan! Mr K: Mrs Bilal! What are you doing in the mosque office? Mrs B: ______! Mr K: I’m busy – ______! Mrs B: ______? Mr K: Well it’s a mosque – ______? Mrs B: Are you coming to ______? Mr K: No! Mrs B: We’re going to Alton Towers! Mr K: Well – ______and try not to fall out of any rides! Mrs B: But ______! Mr K: Thank you – goodbye, Mrs Bilal! Ah! Mrs B: Mr Khan! Mr Khan! Mr K: God – Mrs Bilal! Hah! President Khan – ______? Mr President Khan – ______! Oh, yes! Oh! Next President of SPBA! (Coughs) Testing, testing, ______! ______! My fellow business leaders – ask not what your association can do for you, but ______? I have a dream – ______! “I saw the light on the night that I passed by her window / dum dum dum! … My, my, my, Delilah!”

Mr K: “Dummy dummy dummy dum! / Why, why, why, Delilah?” Ah! Ah! Dave: ______? Mr K: Yes, thank you! I was just er, looking for the prayer mats! Dave: Right! So, er, ______, yeah? Mr K: Yes! Dave: You know ______and use the facilities here! Mr K: Yes! Dave: This is the house of God, ______! Mr K: Yes, that’s very nice – ______? Dave: Shoot! Mr K: ______? Dave: Sorry – I’m Dave – ______! Mr K: Well what happened to Mr Qureshi? Dave: ______! Mr K: What? Dave: No! Only kidding! Mr Qureshi ______! Mr K: Oh, right! Well, ______and welcome on board! Dave: And er, ______? Mr K: Mr Khan, ______! Mr Qureshi ______! Dave: Oh yes – ______! Mr K: ______! Now – I need to talk to you about booking the mosque for ______! 4Citizen Khan 1.1 Wedding Venue

Dave: Oh – ______? ______! Mr K: Thank you! Dave: ______! Mr K: Mm – meh! Now – I need to book it on this date here! Dave: OK! ______! Mr K: ______? Dave: ______! Mr K: I’m telling you about my daughter’s wedding, I’m not ______! ______, but I play with a straight bat – you know what I mean? Dave: Right! Oh, no – oh, we’re booked up that day! Mr K: You can’t be – ______! Dave: No – ______! Mr K: What? ______? Hello! Mr Khan, community leader! Next President of Sparkhill Pakistani Business Association! Dave: ______! Mr K: Right – that’s it! I want to speak to the proper manager! Dave: ______! Mr K: You know what I mean – ______! Dave: ______? Mr K: ______! Dave: Oh, I see what you’re saying – it’s OK, I get this a lot! ______, I’m a convert! Mr K: Right – ______, mate, but ______, you see! Dave: ______? Mr K: Because you’re ginger! Dave: ______? Mr K: You gingers are very different to the rest of us! ______, frickly freckly skin – Scottish! Dave: ______! Mr K: ______? Dave: Oh, ______! Mr K: ______! Dave: I think you might be being ______, Mr Khan! Mr K: Me? I’m Asian! ______! I’m racial! It is more racist, ______! And anyway, you can’t go round impersonating mosque managers! ______! Dave: Is it? Mr K: Well if it isn’t, ______! It’s the sacred word of God! ______! Dave: Look, I’ve made my declaration of faith, I’ve observed the Five Pillars, [declaring belief in God and his prophet, praying, giving to the poor, observing Ramadan, visiting Mecca if possible] and anyway, doesn’t the Koran teach us that ______, and so in fact- Mr K: All right, ______! Look, just get me in there and ______! 5Citizen Khan 1.1 Wedding Venue

Dave: I’m really sorry, Mr Khan, but ______! Mr K: Look, Dave – ______! What am I supposed to say to my wife and daughter? Dave: ______! Mr K: ______!

Mrs K: Mrs Malik! Mrs Malik: Thank you! ______! Mrs K: ______! Mrs M: The sofa’s a little squeaky! Mrs K: ______! Mrs M: So clever what you’ve done ______! Mrs K: ______! Amjad Malik: Are you texting someone? Alia Khan: No – I, ______! There’s an app for it now, innit? Amjad: Wah! ______! Mrs K: Ah! Here is Mr Khan now! Mr K: Sweetie darling! Your favourite gulab jamun [a kind of sweet] is home! Mrs K: Mrs Malik and Amjad are here! Mr K: Hello, Mrs Khan! ______? ______, Mrs Malik! ______! What delightful chance brings you here twenty four hours flipping early? Mrs K: Mrs Malik had some ______! Mrs M: Yes! Mr K: What? Again? We’re always talking about this bloody wedding! ______! Did anybody watch News at Ten last night? ______, uh? _____ – ______! Mrs M: It’s going to be a wonderful occasion! ______! Mr K: Mosque, shmosque! Mrs K: Of course, my husband is on the Mosque Committee! Mr K: ______, Mrs Khan! Mrs K: ______, very influential! Mr K: ______, Mrs Khan! Wedding, wedding, wedding! I know – let’s play a game! Alia, go and get Monopoly for Mrs Malik, uh? Alia: Yes, Papaji! [rather old-fashioned, respectful word for “father”.] Mr K: Ah! ______! You know, ______will have a real jewel! [in the English text, but obviously not the original word, which I can’t find.] Oh, ______! Come on, Alia, choppity chop! Mrs M: ______! Mr K: You can be the Doggy! Mrs M: No! ______! Mr K: All right, but then, goodbye, Mrs Malik! Mrs M: Oh! Mrs K: ______? Mr K: She said she wants to go – ______, woman? Mrs K: ______! 6Citizen Khan 1.1 Wedding Venue

Mr K: ______! Mrs M: No – really! Mr Malik is taking me out to an Indian restaurant tonight! ______! Mr K: Oh, well then, you’ll need to give yourself ______, then, won’t you? Mrs M: So, we’ll come round to see you tomorrow – ______! Mr K: Yes, goodbye, Mrs Malik – oh, ______! There you go! Mrs M: I – don’t – Mr K: ______, uh? ______! Amjad: Bye, Shazia! Shazia: Bye, Amjad! Amjad: Hey – I like your - hair clip! Mr K: All right, ______, will you? ______! Come on, darling Amjad! (hums “Delilah”)

Mrs K: ______? Mr K: ______? Mrs K: ______, did you? Mr K: Aah! Mm? Mrs K: ______, isn’t it? Mr K: You know, when you think about it, is the mosque really the right place to have your wedding? Mrs K: ______? Mr K: I just thought – wedding, mosque – ______! Shazia: ______! Mr K: Yes, but – ______, is that- Shazia: So ______? Mr K: No! Shazia: Dad! ______? Mrs K: I told you, as soon as ______, book the mosque, but you, oh, no! Alia: ______! ______! Is it, Papa? Mr K: No! Shazia: Well ______? Mr K: It was Amjad’s! Shazia: What? Mr K: Well – ______, and he forgot! ______! He has a very limited mental capacity, that boy! Looks like a god, ______! Shazia: Amjad forgot to book the mosque? Mrs K: ______! Alia: ______, Papa! Now you can hire somewhere ______! Mr K: Ah! I tell you, ______! She’s a bloody marvel! ______, she is! Mrs K: We haven’t got time to ______! Mr K: ______! Conference centre, leisure centre, ______7Citizen Khan 1.1 Wedding Venue

______! Shazia: He only had to do one thing! Oh! Maybe ______! Oh! ______! Mr K: ______! Shazia: Oh, I’m so confused! ______! Mrs K: ______! The invitations will go out! ______! Oh, my God! The wedding will be postponed and ______! Mr K: ______! Mrs K: ______– I’m dead! You’ve killed me! Mr K: Alia – your mother is upset! ______! And ______! Mrs K: What are we going to say to the Maliks? Mr K: Nothing! ______! She doesn’t really mean it! Soon ______, and it’ll all be back to normal! Your mother is always panicking for no reason! ______, Captain Mainwaring! Chillax! ______! Shazia: ______! Mr K: See? Shazia: I’ve texted Amjad - ______! Mr K: ______!

Mr K: Right! Amjad! You’re here! Amjad: Hello, sir! Mr K: Now – ______- Amjad: I’ve made a model of the mosque out of Lego, so I can work out where everything goes! Mr K: Right – Amjad: ______, and this is Shazia – obviously, she’s not as beautiful ______, and I couldn’t find any ______, so ______with the felt tips! Mr K: Oh, right- Amjad: I thought, that the buffet could go here, and the dance area could go- Mr K: You must not worry about that now, the thing is, did you get a text from Shazia or not? Amjad: ______! ______trying to download the praying to Mecca up! Why – ______? Mr K: Oh, ______– it’s just that er, Shazia is having what we call in the Pakistani community a bit of a wobble! Amjad: But I thought Shazia was ______! Mr K: She’s incredibly happy – that’s probably why ______! She just thought, “______!” Amjad: ______? Mr K: Not ever – ______! Amjad: Well – ______? Mr K: ______! Amjad: Then maybe it’s something that I’ve done? 8Citizen Khan 1.1 Wedding Venue

Mr K: Maybe – ______! Could be something you did – ______– something you said – ______- Best thing for you to do is ______and it’ll all be tickety boo! Amjad: I know what’s really happened here! Mr K: You do? ______? Amjad: ______! Mr K: Oh, ______! Amjad: I mean, why would a girl like Shazia really be interested in somebody like me? Mr K: ______, but now is not the time to dwell on it! Amjad: She’s out of my league! Mr K: ______! Amjad: ______! Mr K: ______! Amjad: And she’s clever, and funny – Mr K: ______, ______! Amjad: I’ve been kidding myself! ______! Mr K: ______! ______! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! What are you doing here, Dave? Dave: ______! ______? Mr K: He’s suffering from low self-esteem! Dave: Right – I’m not sure ______! Mr K: You know, Mr Qureshi never used to come barging in like this! I’m making ______, you know! He’s just a little bit upset because ______! Dave: ______? Mr K: No thank you! This is all your fault in the first place! If you’d let us book the mosque when we wanted, then ______! Amjad: Is that why Shazia’s gone off me? Because ______? Mr K: No! Dave: Look, ______, Mr Khan – ______to Mrs Bilal, but she won’t budge! Mr K: Well ______? Dave: ______on the day you want it! Mr K: Well, did you tell her ______? Dave: Yeah, and ______! But I’m a qualified counsellor – I’ve got a certificate! Mr K: ______– not Gingerholics Anonymous! Dave: Hey – come on, you mustn’t blame yourself, ______! Mr K: Yes – ______! Dave: If Shazia doesn’t want to get married ______! You mustn’t ______! Mr K: ______! Dave: You need to just ______! Mr K: Yes – ______! Dave: There will be someone else ______! Mr K: Always someone- ______, ______? 9Citizen Khan 1.1 Wedding Venue

Dave: You’re young – ______! Mr K: Dave! Amjad: ______! Mr K: ______! Amjad: If Shazia has doubts about me, maybe it’s best ______! Mr K: Wait – ______! Amjad: No – ______– tell Shazia I’m sorry! Mr K: I forbid you to walk out that door! I forbid you to walk out ______! ______, Dave!

Mrs K: Oh, my God! Mr K: ______! Mrs K: Oh, my God! Mr K: ______! Mrs K: Oh, my God! Mr K: You know it’s very difficult to have a conversation with you when ______! Mrs K: Shazia’s locked herself in her bedroom! ______– ______! Mr K: ____, __? I’ve got to go to my Association meeting! Which one do you think looks ______? The beigy brown one or ______? Mrs K: ______? Don’t you want her ______? Mr K: ______? ______! Mrs K: But the Maliks are ______! Alia: They aren’t coming round tomorrow, ’cause I’m meant to be ______! ______for Mummy! Mr K: ______! Do you really think the Maliks will let Amjad ______? Mr Malik knows ______! We are a very important family in the community! ______! Mr Khan’s mobile plays from Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody”: “Bismillah! We will not let you go …” Mr K: Hello, Mr Malik! This is Mr Malik! Yes! ______! ______! ______! Yes, ______, Mr Malik! Thank you! OK! Goodbye, Mr Malik! ______! Mrs K: ___? Mr K: ______!

Mr K: Hello, Sweetie! ______? ______, Darling! ______! ______! ______! I want to talk to you about something very important! ___! ______! ______- My Sweetie Darling! Oh! ______! ______! I’m so glad we’re having ______! It feels very easy and ______, does it? Oh! I love these dresses and shoes, etcetera! Shazia: ______? 10Citizen Khan 1.1 Wedding Venue

Mr K: Doing what, Sweetie? Shazia: ______! ______! Mr K: No! ______! Mrs K: ______, Beti [“daughter”, used for “darling”], he came of his own accord! Mr K: See? Look, Beti, I know you’re hurting now, but ______, and ______! ______, and ______, ______, ______! You know, when I first came to this country- Mrs K: ______! Mr K: ____! Shazia: If Amjad really cared about me, he wouldn’t have forgotten ______! Mr K: Right, Sweetie, ______- Shazia: Anyway, it’s not even about the mosque – ______! Mr K: ______! Shazia: I just need to be sure ______! Mr K: ______! He’s your fiancé! ______? Shazia: ______you’re not in love with! ______, didn’t you? Mr K: ______! But ______! Look, Sweetie, you get married to Amjad – you settle down, ______– ______, is it? Shazia: But ______? What if I go ahead with it, and ______? And I spend the rest of my life regretting what I’ve done and ______! You do understand, don’t you, Dad? ______! Mr K: ______! But we’re Pakistani! ______!

Mrs K: Well? Mr K: ______! Mrs K: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Mr K: ______! She doesn’t want to marry Amjad, and ______! Mrs K: ___? Mr K: Well, there’s no rush – she’s young, and ______! Mrs K: ______? Mr K: Well what kind of woman ______? Mrs K: ______! ______at the Sparkhill Women’s Day Group again! Mr K: Oh, well! ______! Mrs K: You don’t want her to ever get married – ______! And being big shot in the Business Association! Mr K: ______– I’m also interested in the cricket!

Amjad: Hello, sir! Mr K: Now listen to me, Amjad! Amjad: ______! 11Citizen Khan 1.1 Wedding Venue

Mr K: ______! Amjad: ______! Mr K: She doesn’t- ______? Amjad: ______! Mr K: I’m sorry – it’s too late! ______! Amjad: ______? Mr K: The wedding is off, ______– goodbye! Amjad: Shazia! Oh, Shazia! Shazia: Amjad? Amjad: Shazia? Mr K: ______! Shazia: Amjad! Amjad: Oh, Shazia – ______! Shazia: No, ______! Amjad: No, ______! Shazia: No, ______! Mr K: That’s it – ______! Amjad: Oh, Laddu! [a kind of sweet] Shazia: Oh, Buddhu! [“idiot” – often used affectionately] Amjad: Oh, Laddu! Shazia: Oh, Buddhu! Mr K: Now I’m confused – ______? Mrs K: __, ______! Alia: ______? Mr K: ______! Amjad: Oh, yeah? ______? Shazia: ______! Amjad: ______! Mr K: See? ______! Mrs K: ____! ______, Beti! ______! ______? Mr K: ______!

Shazia: ______! Could you feel me missing you? Amjad: ______! But ______! Shazia: ____? Alia: ______, Sis! Right, ______in my room! Goodbye, Sis! Mrs M: ______!

Mrs K: ______! Mrs M: ______! These two are destined for each other! Er, and of course, ______to get the mosque booked! Mrs K: Ooh, ______! ______! Mrs M: Accha! [“good”] ______? Mr K: ______! Mrs K: Don’t worry, Mr Khan! ______! 12Citizen Khan 1.1 Wedding Venue

Dave: As-salaamu aleikum, Mr Khan! Mr K: Hello, Dave! Dave: ______! Mr K: Right! ______, Mrs Bilal! ______! ______, one trip to Alton Towers, but ______! Mrs B: Oh, ______! Mr K: All right, maybe the Log Flume! Dave: Oh, what about the Pirate Ship? Mr K: ______, Dave!

Dave: Bye! ______! Mr K: ______, ______!