Helping your child deal with death

When someone in a child’s world dies, their responses are quite unlike adults’ reactions. Children younger than four usually experience death as fleeting and impermanent. Children between five and nine start to develop their understanding of death, yet most still don’t believe it will happen to them or anyone they know.

Right after a death, some children suffer significantly, or may maintain that the person (or pet) is still alive. The closer he or she was to the lost individual, the more complex the emotions and the reactions.

Death of a family member, friend or pet

After a close family member dies, many children will regress in their behavior. The child may temporarily become more infantile, needing help with activities he or she previously had no problem doing independently. Younger children may secretly believe they caused the death of the loved one. Taking care of your child during this time may also be complicated by the fact that you may be grieving too. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from others, so that you can have adequate grieving time, and regain your ability to care for your child. When your child’s friend dies, it can be especially frightening to your son or daughter. It penetrates the feelings of immortality and sometimes causes fear for their own life. When a pet dies, many adults belittle this emotional attachment. But pets are significant relationships, and often, children have spent their entire lives with a pet. They will often have the same grieving process when a pet dies as when a close family member dies. Most important is to honor your child’s feelings for that pet, whether the pet was a dog, a cat or a goldfish. Minimizing feelings or dismissing the time needed for grieving for a pet will communicate that you do not respect your child’s feelings.

Below are some possible guidelines that can be applied to any situation of loss.

Help your children express their feelings. Once your child accepts the death, it is possible they will display their feelings intermittently over an extended period of time, and frequently at unanticipated moments. Communicate that your child has permission to share feelings honestly and freely, for as long as is necessary. Encourage your child to cry, get angry, or talk. Anger is a common reaction for children and may show up normally as rigorous play, nightmares, or irritability.

Don’t force your child to do things he or she is uncomfortable doing. A child who is frightened about attending a funeral should not be forced to go. Maybe help your child with an alternative ritual. Lighting a candle, making a scrapbook, looking at pictures, or telling a story may be helpful. Plant a tree in the backyard for his or her pet.

Avoid telling your child how to feel. Definitely share your own feelings, but do not assume your child will follow a similar course to you. Offer love and assurance. Your child may appear “fine”, but may be suffering silently. Displaying an abundance of emotional and physical support will stabilize your child (and you).

Share your grief. Watching you grieve will communicate to your child that it is normal to cry and feel sad after death. You are the role model for how to navigate complex emotional situations.

Complicated Grief

Children whose grief may be headed in an unhealthy direction may display this by:

1. A long period of depression (2 weeks or more) in which the child loses interest in normal activities (e.g. playing with friends) 2. Trouble sleeping, lack of appetite 3. Regressing in behavior for an extended period 4. Prolonged refusal to acknowledge the death 5. Abrupt drop in school functioning or refusal to go to school

Contact a professional if you see these signs.

Death is a difficult and emotional issue. Be aware of your own beliefs as you help your child become aware of his. Be there to communicate, love and reassure, and the process of healing will happen.