Scene 8 : Walter and Grace at the Church

KEEPING MUM SCRIPTS

Scene 8 : Walter and Grace at the church

Walter : God’s ways are mysterious, that’s why we say : God’s mysterious ways. I mean, look at Job and all that befell him. He asks the Lord : “Why are you doing all this to me ?” And God could have explained, but instead he just said : “Trust me , Job”. Now, that’s mysterious. - God ? - Yes Walter ? - How do you think it’s sounding ? - Well, the title stinks, for a start.

Grace : Hi, I’m sorry. I can’t agree with God about that. Walter : Goodness, Grace. Grace : Hope you don’t mind. Walter : No, no, no, I was just practising for the convention. Grace : It’s very thought provoking. Walter : Dry and boring, I think, you mean. But that’s me all over. Grace : Nonsense. Walter : I’m not the most vibrant of individuals. Grace : A bit serious, perhaps. Walter : You’ve hit the nail on the head there.

P A U S E Walter : Oh, dear. I hope that didn’t ….. Grace : Of course not. For goodness sake, you’re a busy man, vicar; People should realize that. Walter : Right ………. Yes. Grace : Now …….. About your sermon . Walter : Yes ? Grace : Do you like jokes ? Walter : Jokes ? Grace : So you see, God is very tired and he says to Saint Peter : “Look Peter….. Petey “ he says , “ I’m absolutely exhausted. I need a holiday, I really do. Is there anywhere you can suggest ?” So, St.Peter thinks for a bit , and then he says : “Well, I know,” he says, “what about the moon?” And God said: “No, I don’t think so. Not the moon, there’s no atmosphere.” Walter : Yeah, that’s funny. Grace : I’m not finished, yet. So then God says: “I really want something different.” So, St.Peter says ¨”Well, what about Earth?” And God says : “No, I went there 2000 years ago. I met this nice little Jewish girl, and they’re still talking about it.” Scene 14: Lance and Gloria at the restaurant

Lance: Hey! …….. So ……….. I have been up every night thinking. If we only ever get one chance of true happiness in our entire lives, Gloria, that nobody should ever die without having found it . Gloria: I’m not alone. Lance : Huh ? Gloria: I’m not alone. Lance: Oh. So, I talked to my guy, and Mexico is on. I got a date tomorrow. Gloria: What ? Lance: I told you, when I move fast …. Gloria: Oh that’s too fast, change it. Lance: I can’t, the tickets are booked. Gloria: Well, change the tickets. Lance: Honey, they’re booked. Gloria: You can’t change them ? Lance: Gloria, this is everything we’ve been dreaming of. Gloria: And the hotel ? Lance: Hotel’s perfect. Gloria: On the beach, like you said. Lance: Of course, I mean, walking distance, seconds. Gloria: The best hotels are on the beach , Lance. Lance: Gloria, this is so much better than a hotel……… Well, actually…… I kind of need to know now. Gloria: It can’t wait ? Lance: It’s all confirmed. Gloria: Well, I have concerns. Lance: What …… kind of concerns ? Gloria: I just want to make sure we have the right equipment, you know, the right kit. I’m not sure we have the right wood. Lance: Hey, you are talking to me. You do not have to worry yourself about wood. Yes or no , Gloria ? Gloria: All right. Lance: OK, Good. About five o’clock ? The place ? The usual place? Gloria: OK Scene 19 : Grace, Holly and Gloria after the discovery

Grace: I’m so glad we can have this little chat. Gloria: What have you done with Lance, Rosemary ? Grace: You know, I prefer Rosie. It takes me back to my childhood. Gloria: What have you done to Lance, Rosie ? Holly: Who the hell’s Lance ? Grace: Ah, yes, well, that’s the question. You see, Lance ….. Lance liked to make films. Can you work this, dear ? Holly: Who the hell is this guy ? I’ll kill him ! Grace: That won’t be necessary, dear. Holly: What ? Grace: Not the type you could have been happy with in the end, dear. Gloria: Don’t change the subject. You have a dead man in your trunk! Grace: No, no; he’s not in my trunk, dear. He’s in his car. And that wasn’t just any man, was it, Gloria ? That was your lover. Holly: That was your lover ? Grace: Now, you’ve got to understand, Holly, your mother’s been very unhappy and lonely. Well, you know, your father, well, he’s a busy man, and along comes this handsome American….. with his accent and his swing, not the type I would approve of at all. Gloria: You can’t go around killing people just because you don’t approve of them. Grace: Oh, that’s what my doctors used to say. On that point we could never agree. Anyway, I could see, your affair was ruining the whole family! The whole family! You can’t expect me to sit back and do nothing about that, can you ? Gloria: Yes, it has absolutely nothing to do with you ! Grace: It has everything to do with me. It’s the least a mother can do for her daugh…….. her daughter. That’s something else we need to have a little chat about.

Holly: Wow, Mom, you looked gorgeous. Gloria: Aren’t we forgetting the small matter of dead bodies ? Grace: How did you know about the other bodies ? Gloria: What other bodies ? Grace: Oh, you didn’t know about the other bodies ? Gloria: What other bodies ? Grace: Just Mr Brown’s dog. And Mr Brown. Gloria: You killed them, too. Grace: I did it for you, dear. Holly: So what do we do now ?