Final Chapter

FINAL CHAPTER A One-Act Play by Janice Weaver

FINAL CHAPTER DRAMATIS PERSONAE

With the exception of the bookstore clerk, all characters are high school seniors.

RANDY – male, dumb as dirt but so loveable

BENNETT – male, smart, ambitious, neck and neck for valedictorian with Merry. They have been competitive with grades since elementary school.

CHASE – male, handsome enough to have plenty of self confidence, but he is more nice than handsome

MURPHY – male, the jock; his whole high school career has been sports

JORDAN – male, quiet and shy; has never had a date much less kissed a girl; plays the guitar but this should not be apparent to anyone until later in the show

AMBER – female, Ms. Volunteer; if she’s not joining a club or looking for service hours she’s miserable

KARLEIGH – female, the new girl to the group; foreign exchange student from England

DARLENE – female, no matter how hard she tries, she can’t make a good decision to save her life

HELEN – female, celebrity culture is her life; she has never missed an episode of E! News, anything involving the Kardashians or Real Housewives of ___ (fill in the blank)

LOUSIA (LOU) – female, boy crazy

MERRY – female, all-American girl, smart, neck and neck for valedictorian with Bennett. They have been competitive with grades since elementary school

PAYTON – female, loves abstract art, and completely understands absurdist theatre, knows how to shop for cool thrift store clothes, all things organic, vegetarian, recycles, but is super cool about it all

BOOKSTORE CLERK – male/female, trying to keep the midnight release organized; has done this numerous times and isn’t sympathetic with how long the line is

Final Chapter

2 12 high school friends, on the eve of their graduation, are at the bookstore for the midnight sale of the final installment of their favorite book series, Master of the Elements. (The author grants permission to update pop culture references, as well as singers and celebrities.)

HELEN I’m actually kind of sad that this is the last book in the series.

DARLENE Of course you’re sad. It’s like we’re saying goodbye to our friends. Friends we’ve had since 8th grade.

RANDY You know, I think this was the first real book I ever read.

CHASE Dude, it’s the only book you’ve ever read.

RANDY Not true. I’ve read this entire series. After tonight it will be my fourth book.

HELEN The line to check out is forever long.

CHASE I wish we could get the book so we could at least start reading while we’re standing in line.

DARLENE I don’t want to get to Amber’s at 2:00am.

BOOKSTORE CLERK Do you guys have armbands? (All nod) Great. We’ll call by color group and then go in numbered order. It shouldn’t take long.

CHASE Wait. So I’m not number 23?

BOOKSTORE CLERK You’re number 23 in the red group. Each group has 25 people in it.

CHASE How many color groups are there?

BOOKSTORE CLERK Let’s see. There’s (counting on fingers) blue, green, purple, yellow, brown, white, orange, pink … hang on, here’s 10 of them and I know red’s in there somewhere toward the end. 3 RANDY Merry just text me. Nobody’s at Walmart and they just put the books out in boxes.

DARLENE You guys can help her carry books and Helen and I will get some snacks.

CHASE Triumph! (to the bookstore clerk) Have a nice night.

RANDY Yeah! (exiting and calling back) I hope you make it ‘til breakfast.

(All exit. Lights dim. Lights up on the interior of Amber’s play room/den/bonus room.)

KARLEIGH Blimey! This is amazing.

AMBER I forgot you’ve never been here. Now I feel bad that I’ve never invited you over.

KARLEIGH Is this all yours?

AMBER Ever since my brother moved out. Sometimes my parents come up here but otherwise I can have anybody over any time I want.

KARLEIGH That’s fantastic!

AMBER I love the way you say “fantastic”.

KARLEIGH Really? I love the way you lot say “schedule” (she pronounces the word as an American would say it) and “aluminum”.

AMBER I wish we said, “bloody”.

KARLEIGH You really should. It’s a wicked expression and really gets the point across.

4 AMBER (Attempting an English accent) Bloody hell!

KARLEIGH Hey that’s not bad. You know it’s a serious word across the pond, yeah? (both girls chuckle).

(Bennett and Murphy enter with a variety of soft drinks, but not Dr. Pepper)

MURPHY Hey, where is everybody?

AMBER Randy just text me that they are on their way to Walmart. They said it was faster to get the book there and they can pick up some snacks at the same time.

BENNETT That makes sense.

MURPHY Payton is on her way and Louisa is picking up Jordan.

BENNETT Louisa is picking up Jordan? That poor boy won’t know what hit him.

AMBER If he walks in dazed and confused, we’ll know why. (All laugh but Karleigh)

KARLEIGH I think Louisa is nice. You lot don’t fancy her?

BENNETT Oh no. We … uh … “fancy” her just fine. She just tends to get a little … uh …

AMBER … flirtatious.

BENNETT Yeah, that’s it; flirtatious.

KARLEIGH Jordan doesn’t like girls?

MURPHY No, no; that’s not it. Jordan is just really quiet and kind of shy. And …

5 AMBER … and Louisa isn’t.

KARLEIGH Ah! That should make for some interesting conversation.

BENNETT Only problem is we aren’t here to ‘conversate’. We’re here to read!

AMBER Conversate? Is that even a word?

BENNETT It’s converse.

(Louisa and Jordan enter with bags of chips, cookies, snacks)

BENNETT Speak of the devil.

LOUISA Present and accounted for. Where is everyone else? Where are the books?

AMBER They’re on their way. They said the line was too long so they went somewhere else.

LOUISA I told them to get armbands two weeks ago, but did they listen? Noooo.

MURPHY Hey, Jordan. How’s it going?

JORDAN Good. (awkward silence)

MURPHY Ok then … we’ve got plenty of drinks.

LOUISA I’ll put these in the kitchen. I’m sure everyone will be here soon.

AMBER Merry just text me; they’re in the neighborhood with the books.

BENNETT

6 As soon as they get here we can start.

AMBER It’s our last time to do this.

BENNETT There’s always another book.

MURPHY I hear Fifty Shades of Grey is good.

AMBER/KARLEIGH Shut up!

(Merry, Chase, and Randy enter with everyone’s book; Darlene and Helen have bags of snacks)

MERRY Final installment, hot off the presses! The midnight release party is a great idea but not when you really want to start reading.

DARLENE Most of the people there tonight won’t start reading until later because once you read that final chapter, you’re done. It’s over.

LOUSIA Thank you Susie Sunshine.

(Payton enter with snacks)

PAYTON Am I the last one here?

RANDY Look, everybody! It’s Payton with the Seaweed and mushroom fungus.

PAYTON (Holding up her bags) Oreos and M&Ms.

RANDY Don’t those have animal parts in them?

PAYTON

7 (Sighs) Ok, class, let’s review one more time. Vegans eat nothing with any animal products: meat, fish, eggs, dairy, honey; vegetarians do not eat anything that has to die to be eaten. I am a vegetarian. Nothing had to die to make Oreos and M&Ms.

MURPHY Girl, you have no idea what you’re missing.

PAYTON And yet, I’m surviving just fine, but I did bring the boiled tofu for you, Murphy.

MURPHY Tofu? What’s that stuff even made of?

PAYTON Soybean curd.

MURPHY Soybean curd? What is that?

PAYTON Coagulated soy milk?

MURPHY Coagulated soy milk? That just sounds gross. Why would you eat that?

PAYTON And this concludes the question and answer portion of what’s in Payton’s snack bag. (changing the subject) Hey, Darlene, did you show everybody the picture of that girl? The one where you did her makeup? You should really see it, you guys. It’s on her phone. If you’ll send that to me, I’d like to show it to a guy I know with Lancome.

DARLENE Seriously?

PAYTON Seriously. It’s really good. You should think about getting into that professionally.

LOUISA Payton, is there anybody you don’t know?

PAYTON Umm … I do not know the person who thought the Republican Party was a good idea, because he or she is an idiot.

BENNETT

8 (Faking disappointment) Ah, Payton, and here I was hoping you would be my campaign manager when I run for office.

PAYTON Senator Bennett Parker. I like that!

BENNETT It does have a nice ring to it.

PAYTON I know a great decorator when you get to the oval office.

BENNETT Of course you do.

AMBER Aren’t any of you sad that this is the last book? On this page (referring to the last page) is the end of the adventure. Master of the Elements is over. Heart of Ice, Mind of Fire, Soul of Earth and now Spirit of Wind.

HELEN I can’t imagine anything being better than Mind of Fire. It was my favorite.

MERRY Well, it’s not like there won’t be another book series by somebody someday. Harry Potter, Twilight, Eragon, Hunger Games … there’s always another.

AMBER True, but we won’t all be together.

BENNETT We graduate tomorrow. I have a speech to give. That’ll be pretty, with no sleep tonight.

MERRY Awww, poor baby has to give the Valedictorian speech? 1/100 of a point. How on earth did I miss Valedictorian by 1/100 of a point? How can they even measure that?

BENNETT There’s no shame in being Salutatorian.

MERRY Second place is the first looser.

BENNETT 9 And your scholarship offer was how much?!

MERRY Touché. Going to school for free does feel pretty good.

AMBER Especially when most of us will have to go to grad school if we have any intention of getting a job with the “current economic climate” (she makes air quotes; then realizing her faux pas, looks at Darlene flustered) But, of course, college isn’t for everyone!

DARLENE Calm down. There are plenty of people making plenty of money without a college degree. And there are plenty of people with college degrees not making anything. I don’t have the grades, the money, nor the interest in college, yet somehow I have full confidence that I will be more successful than any of you losers.

RANDY East Valley Community College!! 13th grade!! Whoohoo!! Home of the Beaver Bandits (makes a beaver face)!

DARLENE I rest my case.

LOUISA State bound, baby! I’ve already got my outfits ready for rush.

MURPHY I hear TapAKeg and IFeltAThigh have some openings (he and Randy high five).

LOUISA Very funny. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to enjoy the full college experience.

MERRY You do know classes, professors and grades are part of that experience, right?

LOUISA Of course I know that. You guys are so mean.

BENNETT State. Humph. Give me a break.

LOUISA We can’t all go Ivy League, Mr. Super Smart.

10 Did they give you any scholarship money?

BENNETT Scholarship at Ivy League is a myth. All their money is need based and my dad says we’re the ‘wealthy poor’. That means I get to graduate with about $160,000 worth of debt for an undergrad degree.

RANDY Hate to break it to you, Bro, but that’s stupid.

MERRY No it’s not. That certificate will hang on your wall and will be on your resume for the rest of your life.

BENNETT Vitae.

AMBER What?

BENNETT When you get to a certain level of education, your resume is called a vitae. (beat) Useless information. Sorry. I have to find some humor in knowing half of my work life will be spent paying off my education. And if I add med school on to that …

DARLENE Awww, poor baby is going to be a doctor with student loans. Such a shame. It must suck to be you.

MERRY Murphy, who did you sign with?

CHASE Yeah, man. I saw the picture of the athletes on signing day. Were you sick or something?

MURPHY Sick?

CHASE You weren’t in the picture.

MURPHY (beat) Oh, that picture. I had the flu. I hated to miss it. (changing the subject) When are we going to start reading?

AMBER 11 There are snacks and drinks are in the kitchen downstairs (points SR). Bathroom is over there (points SL). Blankets are in the chest, pillows are stacked on the floor, thermostat is …

DARLENE Oh my gosh, Amber! Please stop playing hostess and let’s start reading.

AMBER I just want everyone to be comfortable.

PAYTON (sincerely) And we love you for it.

CHASE Jordan, what are you doing next fall?

JORDAN My dad lives up north so I’m probably going to college up there.

CHASE That’s cool. Where up north?

JORDAN New England.

CHASE How very … specific.

KARLEIGH I’m going there before I go home. My parents are flying over and we’re going to see some of America before I go back.

CHASE You mean this isn’t your highlight of America? This happening metropolis?

KARLEIGH I like it here. It’s about the size of my city back home. It’s just I don’t know if I’ll ever get to come back so we wanted to see a bit more of this upstart little nation.

CHASE Where are you going?

KARLEIGH New York, Boston, Washington D.C., and Atlanta.

12 CHASE All good places.

HELEN You’re not going to L.A.? You have to go to L.A. Think of all the celebrities you might meet! Hollywood, Beverly Hills, Rodeo Drive, The Ivy … I would die to go to L.A.

RANDY You are so scary sometimes. You do know the Kardashians have no idea who you are, and no matter how hard you work on a YouTube campaign, Harry Styles is never asking you out?

HELEN That’s not true. The Kardashians stay completely connected to their fans. I follow them on every form of social media you can think of; they Tweet and Insta all the time. And every boy band member on the planet has married a regular girl just like me, that they met in a small town, just like me, and saw at their concert, just like me, and talked to back stage, just like me, and invited to an after party, just like … well, I’ve never been to an after party but when they tour the US again, I probably will because if I get enough people to ReTweet …

RANDY Just stop. Do you ever listen to yourself? Those people aren’t real. We are your real life.

HELEN That’s so depressing. (beat) No offense, but don’t you guys want more than this.

BENNETT Yes. That’s why I’m paying for college with my body parts.

RANDY You can do that?

BENNETT Yeah, dude. I’m having one of my kidneys removed over the summer. They’re worth about $20,000 each.

RANDY That’s awesome!!

MERRY You cannot be this stupid.

RANDY What?

HELEN 13 Celebrity news is the only thing keeping me from jumping off a bridge.

AMBER That’s ridiculous. Those people aren’t even real. All you see is a well-paid-for marketing strategy, dressed up in designer clothes that they neither own, nor get to keep. Actors I can see; they work for a living, but we are the first generation to celebrate people who are famous for being famous. They do nothing, absolutely nothing. They get paid to show up at clubs and parties. They get paid to live their lives in front of a camera crew. The more they screw up their lives, the more famous they become. Their mug shots are blasted all over the news. They never finished high school and they think we actually care about their political opinions, which, by the way, the media is only too happy to report. Their latest dieting tips are treated like sound medical advice and every one of them gives credit to their “Lord and savior, Jesus Christ”.

(pause) HELEN I think Kim is pregnant again!!

AMBER (Throws her hands up in exasperation) Ugh!

CHASE Guys, we have yet to crack a book.

HELEN (Checking her phone) Judith just posted a picture of her family with the book!

CHASE Who?

HELEN Judith Sinclair? The Real Housewives of Hawaii?

CHASE Hawaii?

HELEN There’s The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, New Jersey, Orange County – that was the first one, Atlanta, Miami, I think they’re going to start filming in Dallas …

PAYTON I love that she thinks this is a real conversation.

CHASE I know, right.

14 PAYTON I’m with Chase. Let’s read!

MURPHY I’m with granola; let’s read.

PAYTON There is no way I can get you to not call me that is there?

MURPHY Nope.

PAYTON I don’t call you, jock. I don’t get why you have to call me granola.

MURPHY It’s better than Earth Mother.

PAYTON Those are my options?

MURPHY Pretty much.

PAYTON How about Payton?

MURPHY Who’s that?

PAYTON (Grabs a pillow and hits him) You are not funny.

MURPHY You know I love you. You are the only reason the planet will still be here for our grandchildren to enjoy.

AMBER “Our” grandchildren? Is there something you two aren’t telling us?

KARLEIGH Sounds pretty serious to me.

PAYTON Gross, no! (to Murphy) No offense buddy, you’re definitely best friend material, but that’s it!

15 CHASE Ouch! Friendzoned!

MURPHY Seeing as how I have a girlfriend, that’s probably where I need to be.

DARLENE Why don’t you ever invite her to join us?

MURPHY She’s not into the whole book series thing. She’d just want to talk.

MERRY (sarcastically) Wouldn’t want that, now would we?

AMBER Ok, everybody find a comfortable spot (they comply). Master of the Elements: Spirit of Wind. Page one. (All put their heads down and start to read. They should not turn their pages at the same time.)

ALL Triumph!

(A few seconds pass. All freeze in mid-read.)

LOUISA (Gets out of her seat, moves down and speaks to the audience.) This book club was my idea. We were in middle school and I had a crush on Murphy. I’ve only dated two of the guys in the group and as you can see, we’re all still friends. If you dated someone in middle school, broke up with them and are still mad at them in high school, you’re taking yourself way too seriously. If I hated every guy I dated and broke up with, I’d be eating lunch all by myself. That’s one of the reasons I love these books. There’s plenty of adventure with just a touch of romance. I knew it was a mistake for Munkana and Adonia to get together. There’s a whole bunch of strategy and fighting in these books; like when Roondain almost killed Munkana, but I read them for the romance. I just know the queen’s daughter is going to end up with Surgine. I just know it! (She returns to where she was sitting and resumes reading)

AMBER Did everybody remember to pick up their cap and gown?

BENNETT Amber, we love you, we really do but you have got to stop being everybody’s mother.

16 AMBER I just didn’t want someone freaking out at 3am that they forgot to pick up their graduation stuff.

PAYTON And what are they supposed to do about it now?

AMBER Sorry. I’m just excited about tomorrow and I’m having some focusing issues. Can I get anybody anything?

PAYTON I think we’re all good.

AMBER Ok. Jordan, you good?

JORDAN Yeah.

AMBER Ok. Because if you need anything …

BENNETT Amber! We’re all good.

AMBER I just thought he might …

BENNETT He doesn’t. So please be quiet and let everybody read their book.

(All resume reading. A few seconds pass. All freeze.)

JORDAN (Gets out of his seat, moves down and speaks to the audience.) I’m really not this quiet. These guys are just intimidating. I have no idea how I ended up hanging out with them. I think they thought I was one of the girls’ boyfriends and just started including me in stuff. I didn’t grow up with these people. I’ve never played a sport and Murphy plays almost all of them. Bennett is the smartest guy I’ve ever met. If I make a ‘B’ on a test it’s a good day. Chase is just man pretty. Seriously, who looks like that? The only teenager on the planet that has never had a zit and his hair is always perfect. Payton is too cool to be stuck in this town. After graduation she’s probably going to join some environmentalist group and get her own PBS show. Helen will be the president of the One Direction’s Fan Club. If Darlene’s not in prison, she’ll end up married to a prisoner. And Lou is, Lou is beautiful. Every time she smiles it makes an angel chorus sound. I told her I couldn’t come tonight. She wouldn’t 17 take, no, for an answer so she drove over to my house and ordered me to get in the car. I sat in the car, really, really, still. I’ve been in love with her since 10th grade. She has no idea, but that’s ok. I don’t have a shot anyway. (Returns to where he was sitting and resumes reading.)

AMBER I’m getting something to drink. Anybody want anything? (all add lib no, nah, nuhn huhn, maybe later, thanks though; she exits SR to the kitchen)

LOUISA I am already in love with Lycore. I can just tell he’s amazing.

BENNETT He dies on page 25.

(All groan from the spoiler.)

HELEN How are you already past page 25?

BENNETT (Taps is forehead) Valedictorian.

PAYTON I hereby invoke the “No Spoiler” rule (all ad lib in agreement and resume reading).

(A few seconds pass. All freeze.)

MURPHY (Gets out of his seat, moves down and speaks to the audience.) “Most Likely to Play Pro Ball”. That’s what it’s going to say in the yearbook. I wasn’t really sick. I didn’t get signed. My dad was on the phone all afternoon with my coach. East Valley said they would take me as a walk on. Just because you’re the brightest star in your little fishbowl doesn’t mean the world is waiting for you. Merry would tell me I mixed my metaphors. She’s really smart. I never studied. I made decent grades but I always figured I was going to college on an athletic scholarship. I have been the starting wide receiver since my sophomore year. My batting average is a .621. It makes no sense that State didn’t come crawling on their hand and knees begging me to play. Thank God graduation is tomorrow! By the time word gets out, I won’t ever have to see these people again. These people. These people are my best friends. They sat in the stands and cheered for me. They painted my numbers on their car windows. They believed in me! My family believed in me! My dad has been throwing a ball to me in our front yard since I could wear a glove and I’ve let them all down. I’m not an athlete anymore. I’m a nothing (returns to where he was sitting and resumes reading).

(Amber enters with her drink.)

18 CHASE That looks good.

AMBER Ugh! I offered to get everybody something.

RANDY He’s not talking about the drink (smirks).

AMBER Shut up.

CHASE That’s ok. I need a snack too.

PAYTON Me too. And some coffee. Amber, can I make a pot of coffee?

AMBER Sure. The pot is on the counter, and the filters are …

ALL Shh

PAYTON … I’ll figure it out.

RANDY (singing) Chase and Payton sitting in a tree …

(All ad lib Randy be quiet, shut up, I’m trying to concentrate)

RANDY My bad.

(everyone continues to read for a few moments.)

DARLENE (gasp) Oh my gosh!

BENNETT Darlene, I thought we agreed to a “No Spoilers” code.

DARLENE I didn’t say anything.

19 BENNETT But now everyone knows there’s something shocking about to happen.

DARLENE I can’t help it. How did you not react? You’re easily 30 pages ahead of everyone else so I know you know this just happened.

BENNETT Yes and I didn’t react to it because I didn’t want to spoil it for everyone else.

MERRY The more you two talk, the worse you ruin it.

(Heads down. All read. A few seconds pass. All freeze)

MERRY (Gets out of her seat, moves down and speaks to the audience.) I’ve read it too. The author just killed off Padina. She’s the queen’s daughter. I stopped reading after that. I’ve just been randomly flipping the pages. She was my favorite character; probably because she is nothing like me. She has such a spirit of adventure. She takes risks. I never take risks. I am an average American student with above average intelligence. There is nothing unique or special about me. I don’t sing well, I don’t know any of the latest dance moves, nobody wants me to bring my secret-recipe cookies to an event, I didn’t come up with the best fundraising idea ever, I wasn’t elected to office and I won’t be the doctor who cures cancer. I’m a nice person and I make good grades. I will graduate from college, get a good job, meet a nice boy, have a few kids, live in the suburbs and spend Saturdays at the ball field or dance recitals. I will go to the grocery on Thursday after work and I will learn the name of the guy who works behind the meat counter. My husband and I will both drive 4-door cars and we will spend 6 months trying to decide if we should get a dog. We will rent the same condo every summer at the same beach. We will be excited every time a new restaurant opens, but we will never eat there. The worst part of all of this (beat) is that I’m perfectly fine with all that. (Returns to where she was sitting and resumes reading.)

LOUISA Anybody notice how long Chase and Payton have been gone?

RANDY Jealous?

LOUISA No. I was just wondering if we had all over looked something.

RANDY Are you sure?

LOUISA

20 Yes. Completely sure. I’ve been over Chase. Dating someone in the 9th grade does not make you lovers for life.

RANDY No, but do you wish you could be lov-

JORDAN Oh for gods’ sake, Randy, shut up!

(All look up from their books and stare at Jordan.)

JORDAN Sorry. It’s just … well …. we’re all trying to read.

(All mummer in agreement and resume reading. A few seconds pass. All freeze)

RANDY (Gets out of his seat, moves down and speaks to the audience) I really am this dumb. When they start talking politics, I have no idea what they’re talking about. Things were going great in elementary school. We all went to each others’ houses and played. I would ask my mom if the boys could come over and ‘play’. We would call across our yards, “Hey, can you come play?” And then somewhere we all stopped using the word ‘play’ and starting ‘hanging out’. Nobody wanted to play on the playground anymore. They just wanted to ‘hang out’. We watched TV, went to the movies, listened to music, but everybody got too cool to ‘play’. My 11th grade biology teacher said 2nd grade must have been really good to me because I don’t seem to want to leave it. She’s right. I’d give anything to go back. We never worried about our bodies, our clothes, our grades, who we played with. It’s like the universe is getting even with us for all the fun we had when we were kids. Now the guys are jerks, the girls are mean … what happened? While I was waiting for them to come back to the playground they all grew up and I got left behind. My teacher says there’s nothing wrong with bussing tables at the Waffle World, you just don’t want to aspire to it. I’m going to EVCC next fall. I’m living on campus. I’ll be home by October (Returns to where he was sitting and resumes reading.).

(Chase and Payton enter with drinks and snacks; they pick up their books and resume reading. Chase looks at Payton and winks; she smiles and they both resume reading.)

MERRY I saw that! Oh my gosh, I just saw you wink at Payton!

CHASE So?

RANDY (singing) Chase and Payton sitting in a tree. W-I-N-K-I-N-G. Hey, that actually rhymed.

21 MERRY What exactly were you two doing in the kitchen?

PAYTON (Waving her napkin with snacks) Getting something to eat.

CHASE (Waving his drink can) … and drink.

MERRY No. You two like each other. I can tell. I’ve had my suspicious for a few weeks now.

PAYTON Whatever, Merry (tries to resume reading).

CHASE Payton, I love you! Will you marry me?

PAYTON Yes, Chase. And I will love you for the rest of my life. (beat; to Merry) Happy now?

MERRY Say what you want, but I saw the look when you sat down.

CHASE Was it the same look you give Bennett?

BENNETT What did I do?

PAYTON (pseudo-adoringly) Good point, Chase. You’re so smart. That must be why I love you so much and want to give birth to your children.

MERRY Bennett? Who said anything about me and Bennett?

BENNETT Wait. Somebody said something about me and Merry?

CHASE Ah ha! So it is true!

MERRY What? No!

22 CHASE And neither are your suspicions about me and Payton.

PAYTON Bennett said if he winked at me you would freak out … and you did.

MERRY Oh. Well. Sorry.

PAYTON Apology accepted.

RANDY And I’m the dumb one.

(All resume reading, then freeze.)

KARLEIGH (Gets out of her seat, moves down and speaks to the audience.) London, Liverpool and Manchester are the only cities in England that Americans seem to know. I live in a very small town called Scarborough, which no one has ever heard of. Everyone here assumes I live in a “flat” (she uses air quotes) and ride the “tube” (she uses air quotes). We might speak the same language but the expressions took some getting used to. The first time I said, “I’m easy” didn’t go so well. I was trying to be agreeable … but it didn’t translate. (beat) The idea of coming to a new country was so exciting. I can’t believe that graduation is tomorrow. It seems as if I’ve only just arrived. I have a lovely host family; my host mum is a wonderful cook and my host dad is a products manager. They have twin boys. I’ve never been around a child with autism before. America works very hard to include people with special needs and make resources available for them and their family members. I think that’s rather lovely, actually. My parents flew in late this evening. We’re going to travel a bit and then fly home. I’m going to University in the fall. I shall miss my new friends. Even Helen. Although if she asks me one more time if I know those blokes from One Direction I will be forced to smack her! (Returns to where she was sitting and resumes reading)

AMBER Anybody need anything?

LOUISA You’ve asked that 100 times already. If we need something, we will go get it.

AMBER I was just being hospitable.

MURPHY Hey, Randy, can you spell ‘hospitable’? (chuckles)

23 RANDY Hey, Murphy, can you spell ‘scholarship’?

(Everyone slowly raises their heads to look at Randy and/or Murphy.)

MURPHY What?

RANDY What? I didn’t say anything.

MURPHY What makes you think I can’t spell scholarship?

RANDY You can’t sign your name on a contract so I figured you sure as hell couldn’t spell scholarship.

MERRY Randy, stop it.

MURPHY No, let him talk. You got something to say?! Something that might require more than two syllables?!

RANDY (sarcastically) I was going to offer to be your roommate next fall. You and me? Cheering for the Beaver Bandits?

MERRY Randy, I mean it. Just stop.

RANDY Hey, he started it. H-O-S-P-I-T-A-B-L-E. Your turn.

MURPHY (moves to throw a punch)

MERRY Stop it! Both of you stop it!

BENNETT It’s ok, Murphy. We all know.

MURPHY Know what?

24 MERRY We know you weren’t sick on signing day.

MURPHY What? Of course I was sick. Why else wouldn’t I have been there?!

(All fall silent and still.)

BENNETT Look, Murph …

MURPHY No, you look! I just didn’t want to tell anybody because it would sound like I was bragging. I’m not going in-state. I’m not hanging around here with you losers. I got signed to Tech. I had my choice of playing football or baseball. They asked me! They asked me, which sport I wanted to play! I’m the best athlete at this school. I’m the best in the district!

MERRY Murphy …

MURPHY No! Wipe those looks of pity off your faces! I don’t need any of you to feel sorry for me. You’re going to feel really stupid when I go Pro.

HELEN Murphy, calm down.

MURPHY Can you imagine hearing your name called out week after week in front of thousands of people? No, you can’t because that’s never happened to any of you. Can you imagine knowing you’re never going to hear that again? No, and that’s never going to happen to me.

BENNETT Of course not. It’s all good. Let’s everybody take a break, sit back down, relax …

(The tension releases. Murphy exits to get something to eat. All begin reading again.)

DARLENE (During Darlene’s monologue all the other friends reach under couch cushions, behind furniture, or wherever you can find in your set to hide costume pieces. Darlene should have the book in her hand when she begins to speak.) Just once I want to be the hero. You know the movie where the mom yells to her daughter, “Make good choices”? That’s my mom; but I never listened. I’ve tried pot, I’ve snuck out of the house, I’ve dated every jerk in this school, I’ve failed two subjects, I get drunk at parties, and I’m not a virgin. I’m one of those people who has to learn everything the hard way. Juvenile court was my wake-up call. I got 25 caught in the parking lot making out with a guy in his Jeep and smoking spice. My parents were in tears. They kept asking me what was I thinking. Hand to God, I had no idea. It’s like I woke up in the middle of a bad dream. Word of advice kids, if you go looking for trouble, you will find it. But if you go looking for success, you can find that too.

(Bennett, Chase, Louisa, Payton, Amber have all put on various costume pieces representing the evil villains from the book.)

BENNETT (as Roondain) (hissing and sneering) Where are you going Darlene?

CHASE (as Munkana) You’re not leaving are you?

DARLENE It’s been fun guys, but I gotta call it quits.

LOUSIA (as Adonia) It’s not over until we say it’s over!

(Bennett and Payton grab Darlene; the others threaten her with torture and weapons.)

DARLENE Stop! Please. I’m leaving you.

AMBER (as Yeir) All of us?

PAYTON (as Panatuk) You can’t do that!

DARLENE Yes, yes, I can! And I will. You can’t make me do that stuff anymore. I have to change.

LOUSIA (as Adonia) “I have to change.” How sweet. We’ve heard that before.

DARLENE This time is different.

BENNETT (as Roondain) It’s always different and yet, it’s always the same. You’re a good girl for a few days, maybe even a few weeks, but then you come crawling back to us.

DARLENE This time I mean it! You’ll kill me if I don’t change.

26 BENNETT(as Roondain) The only way we’ll harm you is if you try to leave us.

CHASE (as Munkana) How could she leave us? We’re her only friends.

LOUSIA (as Adonia) We’re the only ones who care about her.

DARLENE That’s not true.

AMBER (as Yeir) But it is true. You’re parents are so disappointed in you. They will never forgive you and they will never trust you.

LOUISA (as Adonia) Don’t leave us, Darlene. Think of all the fun we’ve had.

CHASE (Munkana) Without us, you’re alone; all alone.

MERRY (Standing, she does not wear a costume) That’s not true! You’re all lying to her.

BENNETT (as Roondain) How would you know?

MERRY Because I’m her friend.

LOUISA (as Adonia) Ha! I doubt that.

(Randy, Murphy, Jordan, Karleigh, and Helen have all put on costume pieces representing the heroes from the book.)

JORDAN (as Victrol) Put down your weapons.

CHASE (as Munkana) Or what?

RANDY (as Surgine) You will be defeated. 27 LOUISA (as Adonia) She’s our prisoner. You can’t have her.

HELEN (as Gringley) She’s not yours to imprison. We have come to take her back. And we will destroy you if we have to.

AMBER (as Yeir) Do your best!

(Merry hugs Darlene to protect her. Lights dim and the battle begins. One by one the villains are defeated. They each land on the ground or various pieces of furniture. Our heroes circle in the center, raise their weapons ala Avengers.)

HEROES Triumph!

(All, including Merry, return their costumes to their original place and return to their seats as if nothing has happened. All but Darlene freeze again. Lights full.)

DARLENE (continuing her monologue) Merry is the smartest girl I know so I started hanging out with her. It freaked her out at first (chuckles at the memory). She thought I was trying to hide vodka in her water bottle. I offered to buy her coffee if she would help me study. She invited me to church, introduced me to her friends, and helped me get my life together. She’s more badass (referring to the book) than any of these guys (returns to where she was sitting and resumes reading).

HELEN Argh! I can’t take it anymore! I have to pee! Karleigh, do you need to pee?

KARLEIGH I’m fine, thanks.

HELEN Amber?

AMBER I just went.

HELEN Anybody? (no response) Ok. (she exits SR)

CHASE What is it about girls needing to pee together?

28 MERRY (Doesn’t look up from her book) What is it about boys … (looks up) … end of sentence.

KARLEIGH (chuckles) That’s funny.

LOUISA Are the boys in England the same as the boys here?

DARLENE I hope not! Surely there is some place on this planet where the boys are normal?

CHASE What’s that supposed to mean?

BENNETT Define normal.

DARLENE (razor sharp) A guy who doesn’t celebrate his burps, farts, body order, muscles, stupid stunts, lame jokes, nose hair, 5th grade Justin Bieber hair swoop, monster truck, pseudo- intellect, video game skills, or inability to cook.

(dead silence)

RANDY I don’t have body odor … or muscles.

KARLEIGH Hate to disappoint you, but the situation is just as bad in England. Our lads all think they’re the next Mick Jagger or Paul McCartney and they’re all obsessed with Polish girls.

LOUISA Polish?

KARLEIGH Blonde hair, blue eyes.

LOUISA (If the actor looks anything like this) Oh! (If the actor looks nothing like this) Oh.

CHASE Are you going to the United Kingdom any time soon?

29 LOUISA No.

CHASE Then what are you worried about?

HELEN (Re-enters) What are we talking about?

MERRY The questions should be: why are we talking (refers to her book)?

LOUISA Karleigh was telling us about British boys.

HELEN One Direction? Are we talking about One Direction?

CHASE Oh no, here we go.

HELEN Don’t hate ‘em cuz you ain’t ‘em.

CHASE Maybe some day my hair will be long enough to have a bad comb over and date Taylor Swift for five minutes.

HELEN Whatever! (to Karleigh) So, what were you saying?

KARLEIGH That they’re no better than American boys.

HELEN Hardly! You just don’t know them like I do!

MURPHY Helen, would you listen to yourself!? You just told a girl from England that she doesn’t know British boys as well as you do.

HELEN (to Karleigh) What’s the name of Harry Style’s pet hamster?

KARLEIGH (no response)

30 HELEN What is Harry’s favorite drink? A. Coke, B. Herbal tea C. Apple Juice?

KARLEIGH (no response)

HELEN (to Murphy) I thought so!

(pause)

RANDY You know the answers to both of those questions, don’t you?

HELEN Are you even kidding me?

MURPHY (to Karleigh) What are the girls like?

KARLEIGH They all want to marry Harry, (seeing Helen’s excited reaction) Prince Harry.

GIRLS Ewww!

KARLEIGH What? What’s wrong with Prince Harry? He’s worth a ton of money and he’ll never have to worry about ruling England.

PAYTON He’s a ginger!

MURPHY Everybody knows gingers have no soul.

KARLEIGH That’s not true. I met him once.

HELEN Seriously?

KARLEIGH

31 Yeah. He was in Scarborough on holiday. We live just north of there. Quite nice fellow. Not at all what I was expecting. Now that William is losing his hair, I think he’s the more handsome of the two.

MERRY (clearing her throat) Now that we’ve played International Love Connection, can we get back to why we’re here? I’m almost half way through and I’d like to finish tonight.

(The group scrambles and ad libs that they need to catch up. All resume reading. A few seconds pass. All freeze.)

CHASE (Gets out of his seat, moves down and speaks to the audience.) They would never make a movie about my life because no one would ever believe it. My dad has been married seven times. Can you believe that? Seven times. Five times to the same woman who was not my mother. That’s the legal limit in our state. Because of idiots like my dad they had to pass a law saying you could only marry someone five times. Our state congress had to pass a law to keep stupid people like my dad from making the same mistake over and over and over again. I inherited his good looks, but not his stupidity. I don’t mean to sound so narcissistic. I know the girls like me, but I’m not stupid enough to waste my life on some high school romance that won’t ever amount to anything! (Sadly) That’s the only reason I’ll never ask Payton out. (returns to where he was sitting and resumes reading)

AMBER Jordan, I forgot to get Dr. Pepper. Sorry.

JORDAN That’s fine.

RANDY Seriously, dude. Do you ever talk? My dad says if I quit talking for 5 minutes I’d fart myself to death. (All laugh)

JORDAN If I have something to say, I’ll say it.

(Silence.)

CHASE What kind of music do you like?

JORDAN Anything really. I’m not picky.

CHASE Well, who was your last download? What bands do you like?

32 JORDAN Um. I don’t know. (beat) Kaiser Chiefs, Blvd Park, Carl Martin (pauses, clearly embarrassed that this is who he listens to) …

KARLEIGH I love Carl Martin!

JORDAN You know him?

KARLEIGH Of course. He’s from Manchester. Great guitar player.

JORDAN He’s supposed to come to the U.S. next summer. I’d really like to catch one of his shows.

CHASE Do you play?

JORDAN (clearly uncomfortable because the focus is on him). A little, yeah.

AMBER My dad’s guitar is right over there. It’s probably got dust on it, but you’re welcome to play it.

JORDAN Nah, I’m good.

LOUISA Please play something.

JORDAN Umm … ok. (picks up the guitar) What do you want me to play?

LOUISA Anything.

JORDAN (Begins to sing; anyone in the cast who knows the song you select and can sing should do so.)

CHASE (Impressed) Dude! How did we not know about this!

33 JORDAN I guess … I uh … dunno. (Puts the guitar back where he found it.)

LOUISA You should be playing coffee shops. I would totally come hear you play.

JORDAN (blushing, smiling) Thanks.

HELEN (Gets out of her seat, moves down and speaks to the audience.) The worst part of pulling an all-nighter is making sure no one sees you take your meds. But these people aren’t really my friends. They all find me annoying and a little sketchy. There are some days I can’t meet up with them or have to cancel plans because I physically can’t get out of bed. Then there are days that I don’t want to hang out with them because I’d rather spend time with my real friends. The Kardashians and I love to shop; I never try on clothes without their opinion. Harry Styles really wanted to take me to prom, but he found out about me and Channing Tatum. (pause) Welcome to the world of bipolar disorder. It’s gotten better over the past few months thanks to some new medications. Murphy calls me a walking pharmacy, but not around the others He knows about the bi-polar because he needed to “borrow” (air quotes) some of my pills. Once when he didn’t know if his brother was going to survive a bad car wreck, and once when he didn’t get signed by State. Only that time he borrowed too many and ended up in the emergency room. No one else in our group knows about that. You might think that a friendship built on secrecy is unhealthy. I think it keeps me from being alone (returns to where she was sitting and resumes reading).

AMBER Anybody need …

ALL NO!

AMBER Bennett, how many pages do you have left?

BENNETT About 50.

MERRY (Challenging) 49.

BENNETT Have you finished your speech for tomorrow? Or, I guess that’s today actually.

34 MERRY I finished it last week. You?

BENNETT (Confidently) “The world is more malleable than you think, and it’s waiting for you to hammer it into shape”.

MERRY Barack Obama, Barnard College, Class of 2012.

BENNETT “Be sure and thank your parents. If you don’t have time to thank them now, you’ll have plenty of time to thank them tomorrow when you move back in with them.”

MERRY Steven Colbert, Northwestern, 2011

BENNETT “Wear sunscreen.”

MERRY Mary Schmich, Chicago Tribune.

BENNETT “Give up! Because the man kidnapped Shamoo and put her in a chlorine tank.”

MERRY Jack Black, School of Rock.

BENNETT Well, that’s what I’ve got so far.

MERRY Well, the sun is about to come up so you better stop reading and start writing.

DARLENE What time is it?

PAYTON (Looking at her phone.) 6 hours until graduation.

MURPHY I didn’t get signed.

35 (Silence)

MURPHY Sorry, Randy. I didn’t mean to take it out on you.

RANDY No worries, bro.

MURPHY (smiles) Still need a roommate?

RANDY If I didn’t have every intention of flunking out my first semester I would room with you in a heartbeat.

MURPHY At least you have a plan.

AMBER What do you think you’ll end up doing?

MURPHY Working for Bennett (all laugh). After exploring all of my options, which amounted to zero, I think I’ll flip some burgers or mow some yards.

RANDY No shame in honest, blue collar, labor.

MERRY You’re too smart for that. Just because your future doesn’t include a shirt with a number on it doesn’t mean you can’t …

MURPHY … can’t what? Go to college? You really think I’m going to spend four years walking around a college campus explaining why I’m not on any of the teams?

HELEN Didn’t we already do the ‘poor pitiful, Murphy’, portion of the evening? You should come out to L.A. with me.

LOUISA You’re going to Los Angeles?

HELEN Yep!

36 LOUISA (unbelievable) … to be an actress?

HELEN Oh gosh, no! I’m going to be a member of the paparazzi! I already have a camera.

(Stunned silence)

LOUISA (Changing the subject.) Chapter 18.

PAYTON (Gets out of her seat, moves down and speaks to the audience.) I don’t mind being called granola, or hemp, or Earth Mother, or veggie. This is a really great planet and I like feeling as if I’m doing something to help take care of it. Did you know if the gravitational pull of the Earth was any stronger, the moon would crash into us? And if the Earth rotated any faster or any slower, we’d be thrown off, launched into space, instantly dead. In our solar system, we are the only inhabited planet. I’m not worried about global warming or the ozone layer, or over population, or the destruction of the rain forest. Our planet is old enough to have seen some serious changes and survive. I just like knowing I’m not doing anything to destroy the planet. Discussing politics is a waste of time. My parents couldn’t paint our house West Chester Gray because of the neighborhood covenant. If we can’t fight a few power hungry soccer moms, what makes us think we can make changes for the nation? Bennett would make a great senator, but I’m going to vote Green Party. Or Libertarian. Or whatever has no shot of winning, but y’know, doesn’t make me want to vomit … (returns to where she was sitting and resumes reading).

JORDAN The sun’s coming up.

LOUISA Yeah. There’s no way I’m going to finish this book before graduation.

JORDAN Me either. (beat) Louisa, did you mean it when you said I was a good guitar player?

LOUISA Yeah.

JORDAN And did you mean it when you said I should play the coffee shop and you’d come hear me?

LOUISA 37 Yeah.

JORDAN Good, because I … well … I … um … good.

BENNETT (closes the book) Finished.

MERRY (A few seconds behind) Finished.

RANDY Chapter 4

(All chuckle.)

AMBER My mom said she would make breakfast for everybody.

MURPHY Good, because I’m starving.

PAYTON No matter how many cookies and chips you eat in a night, come morning, you’re hungry.

DARLENE Do you think they’d notice if I put this under my graduation gown. I can read during the ceremony. Those speeches are so boring.

BENNETT/MERRY Hey!

DARLENE No offense, but we’ve heard it all before. “We’re going to change the world. We’ve made friendships along the way that will last forever. My future’s so bright I gotta wear shades.”

BENNETT Harsh.

MERRY That’s pretty much what I wrote. Dang it! (pulls out her phone, looks at Darlene) Challenge accepted (begins typing on her phone).

DARLENE I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.

38 MERRY Finish your book. I got this.

(Darlene resumes reading. A few seconds pass. All freeze.)

BENNETT (Gets out of his seat and walks down toward the audience.) “To the class of 20__ . We do not hold these truths to be self evident. All men are not created equal. We are all lazy as hell.” That’s what I really want to say. “We can’t wait to move out of the house and we’re really going to college to party. We’ve declared majors based on what makes you happy and you were kind enough to give us four years to determine how we are going to spend the next forty. In the last four years the biggest decisions we have made were what are we wearing for spirit week and where are we having dinner before prom. Until two years ago I had no idea we had to pay for the water coming out of our faucet and I have no clue what escrow is. I’m not sure how the girls in my class are supposed to go from talking about their hair to becoming the CEOs of a Fortune 500 company, but you talk as if they will. This school has declared I am the smartest guy on campus. I have a 32 on my ACT and 2100 on my SAT. When I tell people that I am attending Carnegie Mellon in the fall they are more than a little impressed, but I have no idea if Carnegie Mellon will teach me how to be a good dad, have a successful marriage or select a dependable car. I do not stand before you today because of sheer luck, but I am not that guy who couldn’t start studying until 1:00am because I was working two jobs. I’m just a smart enough guy who worked hard. I mean, unless you were the quarterback of the state winning football team, high school pretty much sucked for you, as it did for all of us. Thank you.”

MERRY (approaches Bennett) That was really good.

BENNETT You heard that?

MERRY Yeah. It’s way better than what I wrote.

BENNETT Merry, there’s nothing wrong with four-door cars.

(Bennett hugs Merry and Bennett exits.)

RANDY (approaches Merry) You’re going to have to tell me how this book ends.

MERRY Didn’t I do that with the other three?

39 RANDY (chuckles) Yeah.

MERRY Randy, any time you want to come over and play, just call me.

(Merry hugs Randy and Merry exits.)

DARLENE (approaches Randy) The thing about politics is that it all changes every four years so there’s really not much point in keeping up with the players.

RANDY (Puts his hand on her shoulder, seriously) I really wish I had thought to hide vodka in a water bottle.

(Randy smiles, hugs Darlene and Randy exits.)

CHASE (Approaches Darlene, opens his mouth to speak.)

DARLENE You’re not that good looking

(Darlene hugs Chase and Darlene exits.)

PAYTON (Approaches Chase) When you finish at State, call me. Maybe we can have dinner.

(Payton hugs Chase and Chase exits.)

MURPHY (Approaches Payton) West Chester Gray is an ugly color. Veggie.

(Murphy hugs Payton and Payton exits.)

JORDAN (Approaches Murphy) I mix my metaphors all the time. Probably why I’m a good song writer.

(Murphy hugs Jordan and Murphy exits.)

LOUISA (Approaches Jordan) Coffee? Next Week?

40 (Louisa kisses Jordan and Jordan exits.)

KARLEIGH (Approaches Louisa) I’m so sorry Surgine and Padina didn’t end up together.

(Louisa hugs Karleigh and Louisa exits.)

HELEN (Approaches Karleigh) I know you’re secretly dating Harry Styles. (she smiles and hugs her) We’re going to miss you too. (Karleigh moves to exit, Helen’s next line turns her back around as Helen lists off some surprising names:) Leeds, Sheffield and your hometown of Scarborough.

(Karleigh smiles and exits.)

AMBER (Approaches Helen) I know it’s not the same, but I was on Prozac junior year. We love you very much and you’re not annoying.

HELEN Thanks for having everybody over tonight. It was the best way to finish the year and say goodbye.

AMBER Are you staying for breakfast?

HELEN I just have some medication I need to take and then I’ll join you guys downstairs.

AMBER Triumph.

(Blackout)

END OF PLAY