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More than Breastmilk Breastfeeding stories of challenge and triumph Katie Madden RN, IBCLC www.BalancedBreastfeeding.com The material provided in this e-book is an information resource only and is not to be used or relied upon for any diagnostic or treatment purposes. The information is intended to be educational; it does not create any patient-physician relationship and should not be used as a substitute for professional diagnosis and treatment. Please consult your healthcare provider before making any healthcare decisions for you or your child or for guidance about any specific medical conditions. Katie Madden expressly disclaims responsibility, and shall have no liability, for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffered as a result of your reliance on the information provided in this e-book. Table of Contents How Breastfeeding Ended My Body War: Katie’s Story by Katie Madden………………………………………………………………………….…… 1 You Grew Them; Be Nice to Them: Make Peace with Your Boobs by Katie Madden……………………………………………………………………………… 2 It’s Not Exclusive: Margaret’s Story by Margaret Kite………………………………………………………………………….…… 3 What Happened Here? “Exclusive” Happened: A Response to Margaret’s Story by Katie Madden……………………………………………………………………………… 5 The “F” Word: Formula by Katie Madden……………………………………………………………………………… 6 Succeeding Together: Jenny’s Journey by Jenny Godowsky……………………………………………………………………….…. 8 A Response to Jenny’s Journey by Katie Madden………………………………………………………..…………………..... 10 Stay Right Here. Right Now. by Katie Madden…………………………………………………………………………….… 11 Nursing Versus Breastfeeding: An Exclusive Pumper’s Story (So Far) by Cana Hartman…………………………………………………………………………..… 12 A Response to Cana’s Story by Katie Madden…………………………………………………………………..…….…… 15 A Clash of Two Worlds: Megan’s Working and Pumping Story by Megan Pinand……………………………………………………….……………………. 16 It Isn’t About the Bottle; It Is About the Bottle-Feeder by Katie Madden……………………………………………………………….…..………… 18 Feed Your Baby, Not Your Freezer by Katie Madden…..……………………………………………………………….………… 19 “Postlactum Depression”: When Baby Weans Before You Are Ready by Aurora Phillips ……………………………………………………………..…….……… 20 Don’t Rush It by Katie Madden………………………………………………………………..…………… 22 Holes in the Plan: Learning to Trust Myself as a Mother by Kasey Stacey…………………………………………………………………..………… 24 A Response to Kasey’s Story by Katie Madden…………………………………………………………………..………… 28 How Breastfeeding Ended My Body War: Katie’s Story by Katie Madden When I was 13, I saved my money to order TBRS from a catalog. TBRS. Total Body Reshaping System. At 13, I was already sure my body needed to be totally reshaped, starting with my boobs (because I had none). Over the next 10 years, I raged against my body. I hated it, wished it were different. I dieted, binged, over-exercised. But mostly I was just mean to it. I said a lot of nasty things to it that I wouldn’t say to my worst enemy. When I was 21, I was at the height of my body hatred. I was in nursing school and had gained the inevitable freshman 15… okay, by that time it was the junior 30. On one particularly dark and lonely night in my Baltimore apartment, I painted a life-sized mural of myself naked. My body was misshapen and ugly in my depiction. There was no head, only clouds. This remains in my memory the illustration of my body hatred of my teens and early twenties. When I was 23, I became pregnant with my one and only child, Lucy. Almost immediately, my relationship with my body changed. I was planning a birth center birth and wanted and needed so deeply to have a natural birth and a long, easy breastfeeding relationship that I decided it was time to have a “come to Jesus” with my body. It was time for us to confront our differences, set them aside, and move forward. So, I said to my body, “Body, I know I have been shitty to you for ten years. I have thought and said horrible things about you, I have abused you, fed you poorly, and sometimes not fed you at all. I’m so sorry, body. But, believe me when I tell that I have changed. You have grown this amazing baby living inside of me. Thank you for her. I need to ask you for a really huge favor. I don’t deserve this favor because I am such a crappy friend, but I have to ask. Please birth this baby for me. Please let me have my baby naturally and please let me breastfeed her. If you do that for me, I promise I will never mistreat you again. I will love you no matter what size you are. I will feed you well and exercise you as best as I can. If you do this for me, I promise I will never say mean things about you again.” And my body obliged. It birthed my 8-pound, 14-ounce baby after 15 hours of labor. On July 16, 2006, I reached down and accepted my body’s gift to me: a fat, wet, wide-eyed Lucy, hot on my chest. I waived my white flag and retreated from my body war. I was humbled. I thanked my body that day. Together we nourished Lucy for almost three years, enjoying an easy breastfeeding relationship. Since then, I swear I haven’t said one mean thing about my body. We have gained weight and lost weight, eaten well and eaten poorly, been fit and been out of shape. But we have been best friends. You are so much more than a size or a shape; you are revelation. Thank you, body. v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v 1 You Grew Them; Be Nice to Them: Make Peace with Your Boobs by Katie Madden Before you got pregnant, how did you feel about your boobs? I was obsessed with my boobs. Ironically, I have been a little boob-obsessed my whole life. When I was in middle school, I tortured myself daily, wondering when my boobs would grow. I prayed for my period because I thought getting a period meant getting boobs (it didn’t). I had one dirty little training bra that I refused to let my mom wash because I only had one and I refused to take it off. In high school, I had nice little B cups, but my nipples pointed down and I was ashamed of that. They weren’t perky like the boobs I saw…well, in porno. In college I gained the freshman 15, which turned into the junior 30, and my boobs came in full force. Always looking down at the ground. But, I could hitch them up and put them on display. They were a wonderful distraction from my soft tummy and they earned me a lot of attention. But I still hated them. I hated my body. I hated myself. I had major body image issues from ages 13-23. I was obsessed. I was really mean to me. When I got pregnant, I had all of my eggs in one basket: I would birth at The Birth Center with no drugs. I would breastfeed. This is it. I was giving my body one chance to redeem itself. And it pulled through. Me and my body, we called a truce and I haven’t looked back. But I was lucky. Really lucky. What if something had gone wrong? What if I hadn’t been able to deliver at The Birth Center? What if I didn’t make enough milk or Lucy hadn’t latched on? Where would I be? It would have been bad. I guarantee you. Some of you are in that exact place. Your body let you down. Again. After years of trying to get pregnant, carrying baby to full term, delivering naturally, you struggled to breastfeed. Figures, you said, my body has never been able to do anything right. After years of hating the odd shape of your breasts, wondering why your areola are so big, wondering why one breast is so much smaller than the other, you struggled to breastfeed. Figures, you said, They were always ugly and worthless. After a long labor without an epidural, your birth ended in a C-section and you struggled to breastfeed. Figures, you said, Nothing about my birth went right. Why would breastfeeding be any different? But to all of you who have heard this voice in your head confirming what you always “knew” to be true of your breasts and your body, I ask you this: If your child is dyslexic and he comes home with a C on his math test, do you say to him, Figures. Your brain never worked right anyway. Why would he ever strive for better? If your child doesn’t get into the college of his choice, would you say, Figures. You have never been worth much and now this just proves it. How could he recover from that? If your child falls at the playground and skins her knee, would you say to her, Figures. You fall every time we come here and you will fall every time you ever go to a playground. Why should she ever go to a playground again? I hope this hurts your heart to read. It hurts my heart to write. You would need to be mean and evil and hateful to say this to your child. Someone you grew. Someone for whom you are responsible for nurturing. If your child is dyslexic and comes home with a C on his test, you love him and praise him for his successes and ensure him that he is capable of this and so much more. 2 If your child doesn’t get into college of his choice, you love him and tell him that although this feels devastating in this moment, there is so much more life to live.

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