Building Skills to Influence

Real time, real world skills to strengthen interpersonal success, build trust & influence and foster better decision-making.

Presented by Ramsey County - Rick Cunningham Revised & Reprinted August, 2016

[email protected]

(651) 260-0061

Some of the material here is from David Teske/Training Advisors & is used with permission.

Our Discussion The Goal: Skills to build more trust & influence with people through flexibility!

I’m grateful for this opportunity to join you! We know the search for greater effectiveness is a life-long journey. Thanks for participating and sharing some of your ideas. Rick Cunningham

>>>> E-learning…Before the day of the workshop <<<< A PowerPoint presentation with audio will talk and walk you through what you need to read & complete in the enclosed before the day of the workshop. You will be pausing and restarting the PPT at certain points. Again I’ll give you instructions all along the way. Thanks for completing this segment’s important introduction! - Rick

Topics & Objectives More about all this at the workshop as well.

 Strengths, pitfalls, goals…and the 2:00 o’clock in the morning theory. . Some initial self-assessment . Two key learnings about the value of these skills

3 . Your goals

 Navigating the Style Map…your own internal GPS system! . Some definitions . Recognizing the 4 styles and their comforts and needs . Learning more about your own style & how others see you (Style Report)

 Flexibility- the key skill…by any name takes practice; practice; practice… . The behaviors that demonstrate flexibility (or bridging) . How to flex/bridge using those behaviors with each of the 4 styles . Assess your own flexibility & learn how others see you (Flexibility Report) . Practicing with/learning from your situations . Applying these skills to some common challenges Action-Plan Questions

1. Identify a couple of your interpersonal strengths and a couple of your pitfalls.

2. Identify some situations where it's vital for you to be interpersonally effective.

4 3. What's one significant communication goal that would greatly increase your own effectiveness ?

Building Trust through Flexibility

We don’t see things as they are. We see them as we are.” -- Anais Nin

The Skills

Recognizing Styles and Needs

Being Flexible

Managing Defensiveness

5 3 Key Questions

1. Am I working at understanding you?

2. Am I managing my behavior?

3. Am I building our relationship?

Building Skills to Influence Introduction

Question: How do we work with others so they want to work with us?

For years many of us have wanted to find some way to understand others and what motivates them to act.

Understanding how we are influenced to make decisions is one of the most effective ways of doing this. Most of us want others to respond to us in some way. We may want others to listen to us, help us, buy from us, learn from us, or just to like us.

Style is a map. It shows us the way to understand how others are influenced to respond to us.

Using the knowledge of someone’s Style works because it is highly accurate and practical.

Think of it as your communication map. Follow it to reach the communication Analytical Driver behaviors, which are comfortable to Control Reactive Control reactive the other person. By knowing Ask assertive Tell Assertive someone’s Style, we suddenly have insight into: how others make Amiable Expressive Emote Reactive Emote Reactive 6 Ask Assertive Tell Assertive decisions, how to respond to them, how to influence their trust, communication, and cooperation and how to get the response we want.

A person’s Style does not indicate intelligence, skills, morals, values, or success potential – it is a bundle of comforts shown through outward behavior.

All Styles have these comforts and behaviors, which are displayed when their “owners” interact with others in life. This is true in almost every relationship situation.

In all aspects of communication, Style factors are present. If you address them while working with others you will have a means of helping the other person want to work better with you.

Some Definitions

1. STYLE

Style is basically a mixture of habits and conditioning, which is exhibited through behaviors that affect our comfort. It also affects our decision-making.

Style can't be easily changed. Many people spend high amounts of energy in conflict or trying to change style differences. Instead, the energy and time should be spent on understanding what the other person needs for their comfort, and then contributing to that comfort . . .

Helping the other person feel comfortable is usually a more productive answer, and accomplished in much less time than trying to change the other person's Style.

So, how do you make this happen?

7 2. FLEXIBILITY

Flexibility is the ability to help the other person become more comfortable with us. This is much more important than we may think.

You and I look for what’s comfortable. If we encounter someone whose behavior is different, or threatening to us – we may seek comfort by not trusting them and withdrawing from them, not communicating, not cooperating. In some cases we may even verbally confront and make demands – all because we want things to go our way and we are not comfortable with the way they are going.

We start with trust to get results. A map can help!

Trust

Communication

Cooperation

Results

THE MAP FOR RECOGNIZING STYLES There has been great debate in behavioral science where professionals have difficulty agreeing on things. But, one of the few areas of agreement by this

8 community is that people exhibit behavior in two very broad ways . . . "ASSERTIVENESS" and "REACTIVENESS".

ASSERTIVENESS There are many definitions of these words to be sure. For our purposes, we will define "ASSERTIVENESS" as . . . "THE DEGREE TO WHICH A PERSON ATTEMPTS TO CONTROL THE THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS OF OTHERS." Assertiveness is not a "good" or "bad", "right" or "wrong", it is only a description of behavior. It may be illustrated by using the following chart:

ASK D | C | B | A TELL ASSERTIVE ASSERTIVE (questioning) (stating)

This behavior is not right, or wrong, it represents "comfort" for those displaying it. It is how they learned to communicate. Successful people come from all parts of the assertiveness chart.

REACTIVENESS (How you show emotion.)

The other dimension of behavior is "REACTIVENESS", which has also been termed Objectivity or Responsiveness. It pertains to the outward demonstration, or lack of, displayed emotion.

"REACTIVENESS" can be defined as . . . "THE DEGREE A PERSON TENDS TO CONTROL THE OUTWARD EXPRESSION OF FEELINGS, REACTIONS, AND EMOTIONS."

Again, reactiveness is not "right" or "wrong" behavior, it is a description of behavior, and illustrates a different dimension than assertiveness. It is illustrated by the following chart:

LOW-REACTIVE (CONTROL)

HIGH-REACTIVE (EMOTE or SHOW)

9 AN IMPORTANT POINT ABOUT ASSERTIVENESS & FLEXIBILITY

Intelligence, character, success potential, goodness, badness, is not shown by the outward behavior of "ASSERTIVENESS" or "REACTIVENESS".

Many times we human beings see behavior that is different than ours and judge the differences as wrong. We are not comfortable with the outward behavior. We may, because of the difference, assign other negative traits such as low intelligence, low trust, or incompetence.

Again, these are dimensions of behavior and are not indicators of intelligence, success, knowledge, or of being right or wrong. They reflect someone's Style.

People may indeed be competent or incompetent, trustworthy or untrustworthy . . . but behavioral style does not show those things. Those qualities or negatives must be assessed beyond Style . . . not based upon the Style.

“Building harmonious relationships and achieving mutual understanding can be difficult. We all live in two worlds – the private subjective world inside our heads and the real, objective world outside. We could call the former -- personal “maps" and the latter -- the "territory". None of us has an absolutely complete and perfect map of the territory or of the real, objective world.”

10 Stephen Covey

11 BEHAVIOR CLUES ASSERTIVE AND REACTIVE CHARTS

There are other behavior preferences associated with Assertiveness or Reactiveness. They illustrate identifying tendencies and can be gathered like clues to determine Style. The following is a list of clues which lead to the extremes of the dimensions. For example: "Ask" or "Tell" Assertive; "Control" or "Emote" Reactive:

CONTROL-REACTIVE Reserved, unresponsive, “poker faced” Actions careful or cautious, wants facts or details Eye contact infrequent while listening Eyes more harsh, severe or serious Limited use of hands, clenched tightly, pointed gestures Speaks less about personal feelings, little story telling, small talk Preoccupied or vigilant

ASK-ASSERTIVE TELL-ASSERTIVE Little tonal change Emphasizes ideas by tone Expressions and posture Expressions can be quiet and laid back more direct and focused Deliberate, studied or Speech quick, clear or fast paced slow in speech Makes statements more Asks questions more often than asks questions than makes statements Lets one know what is May be vague, unclear about expected what is wanted Tends to lean forward Tends to lean backwards to make a point to make a point Firm handshake Indifferent handshake Appears to take risks Avoids or engineers risk out May tend to be more May tend to be more competitive cooperative

EMOTE-REACTIVE Animated, uses facial expressions, smiles, nods, frowns Actions open or eager, little effort to push for facts Eye contact frequent while listening Friendly gaze Hands free, palms up, open Friendly gestures Shares personal feelings Attentive, responsive, enjoys the relationship

12 STYLE – MORE DETAIL

Each person is unique . . . and it is very difficult to put people in neat little boxes which exactly characterize them.

Style technology, though, shows that we all have some preferences and behaviors in common. It also shows there are certain ways we are uniquely different. Understanding this and practicing interpersonal skills based on style technology is effective. It’s a way to more readily lower tension and gain trust, open up communication, and cooperation. All that can help lead to work success, enhance service relationships, friendships, more successful parenting, or many other interpersonal goals…

THE STYLE QUICK REFERENCE MAP

The following Style map is meant to be a guide. It helps us better understand the comfort preferences of different styles. The information in parenthesis ( ) indicates a major personal need of that style. "Defensiveness" is possible behavior under stress.

ANALYTICAL…being right DRIVER…being in control (Defensiveness: Avoid) (Defensiveness: Demand) Fact oriented, businesslike, Direct, fact oriented, cool independent but cooperative, and independent, businesslike, cool, uncommunicative, likes fast to act and make decisions, dealing in detail, engineers competitive, initiates action, risk from decisions, doesn't doesn't like to be slowed down, like to be uncertain wants to know the bottom line

AMIABLE…being secure EXPRESSIVE…being recognized (Defensiveness: Give-in) (Defensiveness: Attack) Feeling oriented, communi- Communicative, warm, feeling cative, warm, cooperative, oriented, approachable, risk supportive, people oriented, taker, competitive, makes fast minimizes risk, slow actions decisions and actions, doesn't and decision making, doesn't like detail, excitable, a dreamer like to be pushed into action and wants others to listen to them

13 Some Style Comforts Respecting & APPRECIATING the Differences

task facts fewer non-verbals more formal less verbal less about self less expressing of emotion

less risk more risk slower pace faster pace less voice volume more voice volume slower to decide faster to decide

people feelings more non-verbals less formal more verbal more about self more expressing of emotion

14 Defensiveness: Defensiveness: Avoid Demand

Defensiveness: Emotion Defensiveness: Give-in Show Attack 15 13

Your Flexibility

“We judge ourselves mostly by our intentions, but others judge us mostly by our actions.”

Eric Harvey & Al Lucia

Flexibility is defined as: the amount of effort, or observable energy a person expends in meeting the interpersonal needs of others.

16 Some Key Flexibility Behaviors

GOAL: Using your energy to meet the interpersonal needs of others.

This is what people see and feel when we are highly flexible:

Awareness and tolerance for the needs of others.

Skill in gaining support and acceptance from others.

An openness to views and values that are different.

The intention and ability to listen well.

A desire to demonstrate cooperation.

Ability to view change as a possibility vs. a threat.

Skill in expressing and acting on principles.

The willingness and ability to act appropriately in varying situations.

17 Flexibility or Bridging Skill Levels

“To say what you believe is to be honest. To say what you believe so another can do the same is to be flexible!” -- from Chris Agyris

Projecting Cooperation Value added, fluid, other-focused

We are using many small and large ways to show we care, are supportive and want to work together.

These behaviors build strong relationships, trust and reputations.

Adaptability Providing style comforts to another

Temporary adapting of how we communicate to what’s comfortable for another.

This takes awareness, is a choice and establishes rapport.

Defensiveness Inhibiting positive interaction

Protecting oneself from a perceived threat. For ask assertives the fear is making a mistake. For tell assertives the fear is losing control.

This fear is preventing us from adapting or projecting cooperation.

18 The “Build” Formula for Flexibility

B e committed to the value of Bridging or flexing

U nderstand your style’s signature

I dentify the other’s comforts & needs

L ook for defensiveness and address it

D ial your behaviors to the comforts of others

19 SUMMARY of Flexing or Bridging

TO Flex/Bridge "ASSERTIVENESS":

To be more "ask" assertive -- ask more questions; listen more; slow down your pace - don't push so hard for resolution; don't compete on simple, or unrelated matters; wait for the other person to decide or speak -- instead of doing it for them.

To be more "tell" assertive -- tell more; give more information about things; pick up your pace; be ready to make quicker decisions; don't be afraid to "jump in" with a point.

TO Flex/Bridge "REACTIVENESS":

To be more "control" reactive - stick to facts instead of emotions and feelings; calm down if normally energetic; smile a little less; stick to the task and be businesslike; be more formal; ask fact information questions. Don't use personal appeals.

To be more "emote" reactive - discuss how you feel more; put more energy and feeling into your voice; smile more; talk relationship; ask more personal questions; it's OK to drift a little; be less formal. Personal appeals may be effective here.

20 IN MORE DETAIL: How to Be Flexible or Bridge to Others

The goal: to communicate and work in ways that meet the style needs of others. What can you do to help people use their comforts and strengths? See below.

For Analyticals…help them be right by being patient with their process.

. Demonstrate through actions how you can be helpful. . Give written detail. . Take time and support their thinking process. . Don't over-sell or over-state. . Do what you say you will do. . Be patient when they ask for more detail.

For Drivers…help them remain in control, stay on task & use time efficiently.

. Don't waste time; get to the point. . Supply facts not testimonials. . Provide options for them to make decisions. . Don’t be too quick to form a personal relationship. . Listen to them and give brief factual answers to their questions.

For Amiables…help by focusing on them as a person & their need to be secure.

. Show interest in the person. . Take time to develop a personal relationship. . Draw them out and listen patiently while not interrupting. . Provide guarantees and assurances. . Don't rush the decision or try to decide for them.

For Expressives…help them by paying attention to their ideas; recognize them.

. Be energetic and listen to their ideas, opinions, and dreams. . Provide feelings, testimonials, and incentives. . Work on building personal relationships.

. Don't argue; listen.

21 . Be stimulating and keepFlexibility a high energy Assessment level apparent. Some behaviors that build interpersonal effectiveness, trust & influence!

These are some of the specific behaviors that demonstrate with others positive communication and “Flexibility skills”. They also convey respect and professionalism. Assess your strengths and pitfalls.

Frequently Sometimes Infrequently

1. Talking and acting in ways that don’t make people feel “one down” while you’re “one up”

2. Talking to people adult to adult (not parent to child)

3. Listening for facts and feelings; acknowledging both

4. Listening by giving eye contact and attentive non- verbals

5. Summarizing what you heard

6. Saying things to help a person “build” their self- esteem

7. When talking with another about their mistake, being kind and not blaming about what happened

8. Giving regular feedback

9. Complimenting both effort and success

10. Being clear with what you need

11. Asking if people have time to talk, answer a question etc.

12. Balancing your talking and listening

13. Demonstrating in words and actions that you are open to different views, and that it’s OK to disagree with you

14. Open to change

15. Showing basic manners, respect and courtesy to others

22 Frequently Sometimes Infrequently

16. When talking with another person building on their ideas

17. Showing empathy for what another is experiencing

18. Commenting on the good in people and situations

19. When appropriate, referring to recent happenings in another’s work or life

20. Asking how can I serve you; showing cooperation

21. Acting professionally; representing your workplace well

22. Not getting defensive: short, rigid, angry, avoiding, giving in etc.

23. Adapting how you deal with people based on their needs and preferences

24. Treating others with what is respectful in their culture

25. Connecting with people first on the human side of things, then the task

26. Paying attention to the preferences and cues of when to work on the “people” side or “task“ side of things

27. Saying or showing you have time for people

28. In each situation being aware of & working at building the relationship over time

29. Being consistent in your behavior, not moody or erratic

30. Acting appropriately in situations with what’s needed

31. Acting from your principles

32. Respecting people who aren’t present

33. Projecting a positive attitude

23 24