Jimmy S POV: a Kindly DOCTOR with a Nice Moustache Fades Into View

FADE IN:

INT. HOSPITAL - DAY

Twenty-two year old JIMMY SMITHERS wakes up with a jack-o- lantern in place of a head.

Jimmy’s POV: A kindly DOCTOR with a nice moustache fades into view.

JIMMY (sore throat) Where am I?

DOCTOR Welcome back, Jimmy. How do you feel?

A NURSE enters the room. She sees Jimmy.

NURSE Jesus Christ!

JIMMY What? My, my throat hurts.

DOCTOR That’s entirely normal.

JIMMY Did you remove the tonsils?

DOCTOR We did remove the tonsils. That’s the good news.

NURSE We’re fucking dead.

JIMMY What?

DOCTOR Now, Jimmy, there’s something you should know. We allowed one of our trainee interns to operate on you. I hope you don’t mind? You see, he pressed a little hard with the old scalpel and, well, see for yourself.

The Doctor hands Jimmy a mirror.

JIMMY Um?

DOCTOR We managed to replace your head with a jack-o-lantern, just in time, so, well, happy Halloween.

INT. HOSPITAL.DISCHARGE WAITING ROOM - DAY

Jimmy sits next to an OLD LADY. He holds his jack-o-head in his hands, sighing to himself.

OLD LADY Is there something wrong, dear?

Jimmy looks up at the lady, face to jack-o-face, giving her some time to get it.

OLD LADY Is it the head?

INT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT

Sound: Disco music.

Jack-o-Jimmy is at the bar with two average looking friends, BILL and MICK.

BILL Hardly notice it.

MICK Just dance it off.

INT. NIGHTCLUB. DANCEFLOOR - NIGHT

Jimmy is dancing by himself, totally forlorn.

A SEXY LADY approaches.

SEXY LADY You’re awesome! I love a guy with a sense of humor?

JIMMY How do you know I’ve got a sense of humor?

She gives an orgasmic laugh and starts dancing.

SEXY LADY You should make the smile bigger.

INT. NIGHTCLUB. MEN’S BATHROOM - NIGHT

Jimmy is carving away at his jack-o-lantern smile with a penknife.

JIMMY Not a problem.

INT. NIGHTCLUB. DANCEFLOOR - NIGHT

Jimmy is dancing wildly with the Sexy Lady and her SEXY FRIENDS.

JIMMY Yeah!

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

INT. JIMMY’S APARTMENT. BATHROOM - DAY

Jimmy is brushing his mouth with a tooth brush, building up some good foam.

TV REPORTER (o/s) Our survey results on ‘what is handsome” are in…

Jimmy cranes his neck to hear the living room TV.

TV REPORTER (cont. o/s) And 83% of respondents said that they consider a square jaw to be absolutely essential.

JIMMY Not-a-problem.

MONTAGE:

SOUND: Bouncy, up-beat music like ‘Walking on Sunshine” by Katrina and the Waves plays over the following montage of scenes.

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

Jimmy struts through the crowds. He wears his BIG SMILE and SQUARE JAW proudly, that is, until he comes to a complete stop, noticing something above.

JIMMY’ POV: A Hollywood superstar with spiky hair graces a huge billboard advertising brill-cream.

EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

Jimmy struts towards revolving doors with his big smile, square jaw and eye-catchingly trendy spikes on a shrinking jack-o-lantern head.

INT. MANAGERS OFFICE - DAY

Jimmy is being interviewed by his MANAGER.

MANAGER Someone who wants this promotion needs to be serious about their work.

JIMMY Not-a-problem.

INT. MAIN OFFICE - DAY

Jimmy weaves between cubicles with a SERIOUS BROW on his now almost human-sized jack-o-head. He points to the ladies, letting them know that they’ve been noticed.

The MONTAGE picks up speed.

EXT. CINEMA - NIGHT

An ever changing jack-o-Jimmy leaves the cinema with a LOVELY LADY in arm.

JIMMY What did you think?

LOVELY LADY I liked the guy who played the army captain.

Jimmy carves away frantically at his shrinking lantern head. Pieces of pumpkin fly in all directions.

FADE OVER: Magazine cover titles: “Man of the Year,” “The Rules of Attraction,” “Cute Guys.”

Jimmy carves away with increasing abandon.

JIMMY (to himself) Not-a-problem.

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Jimmy is with a beautiful DATE.

DATE I like high cheekbones.

INT. BILL’S APARTMENT - DAY

Jimmy’s head is getting seriously smaller. He has high cheekbones. He’s watching the game on TV with Bill and Mick.

TV COMMENTATOR Lazaredis has got one of those distinctive Greek noses, you can’t miss him.

INT. BUS - DAY

Geek nosed Jimmy is sat behind a couple of 17 year old SCHOOL GIRLS.

One girl notices a SKATER BOY outside the window and grabs her friend’s arm.

SCHOOL GIRL He’s hot.

Jimmy scrambles over his set to see the boy.

He pulls the emergency brake.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Jimmy runs past the Skater Boy, photographing the kid’s face as he passes.

The Skater Boy’s image rests on top of a pile of photos: movie stars, male models, sports-men – good looking people.

Jimmy is going mad with the knife. His face is flying everywhere.

JIMMY (screaming) NOT-A-PROBLEM!

EXT. HOSPITAL. ACCIDENT & EMERGENCY - DAY

The montage music stops abruptly.

INT. ACCIDENT & EMERGENCY - DAY

The kindly Doctor is visible concerned.

DOCTOR What happened?

Jimmy is being held up by two NURSES on either side. His jack- o-lantern head is the size of a pea.

He speaks with a high pitched Chipmunk voice.

JIMMY I got carried away.

DOCTOR Why would you do this to yourself?

JIMMY I didn’t want people to find me ridiculous.

DOCTOR What were you thinking?

JIMMY I wasn’t thinking. I had to remove my brain to make way for the spikes.

He passes out.

EXT. EMERGENCY OPERATING ROOM - DAY

Jimmy is rushed in for treatment on a stretcher.

FADE OVER: An EKG line indicates a weak heart beat.

INT. RECOVERY ROOM - DAY

Jimmy’s POV: The kindly Doctor fades into view.

JIMMY Where am I?

DOCTOR Welcome back, Jimmy. We have some good news.

A nurse enters the room.

NURSE What the fuck?

EXT. HOSPITAL - DAY

SOUND: Up-beat montage music.

Jimmy struts away from the hospital with big, red balloon head.

He has two painted-on eyes, a painted-on nose, and a big painted on-smile.

It’s going to be a very good day.

JIMMY Yeah!