Nov-Dec 2017 Chapter Leader: Theresa Phillips TCF National Headquarters 24-Hour Help Line: (816)229-2640 PO Box 3696, Oak Brook, IL 60522 Private Facebook Page: Eastern Jackson County TCF Website: www.compassionatefriends.org Website: www.easternjacksoncounty tcf.org 630-990-0010

The Compassionate Friends available that day at INCLUDEPICTURE www.thecompassionatefriends.org. "https://www.compassionatefriends.org/ Sunday, wp-content/uploads/2017/08/WCL- December 10, 2017 at 7 pm November Again 2017-CMYK.png" \* At Walnut Gardens Community of November again, almost winter. MERGEFORMATINET Christ,19201 RD Mize Rd, Muted world outside, faded red, INCLUDEPICTURE Independence, MO misty yellow— "https://www.compassionatefriends.org/ fog in the morning. wp-content/uploads/2017/08/WCL- In memory of all children who have Even the hardest wind 2017-CMYK.png" \* died, but will not be forgotten . . . seems kind enough, MERGEFORMATINET because we know, INCLUDEPICTURE that their light may always shine we know that stormy blades "https://www.compassionatefriends.org/ lie waiting. wp-content/uploads/2017/08/WCL- In loving memory of all children who 2017-CMYK.png" \* are no longer with us, The November again, almost winter. MERGEFORMATINET Compassionate Friends extends an Gently the heart reaches INCLUDEPICTURE invitation for you, your family, and for the awareness of things to come. "https://www.compassionatefriends.org/ friends to join us and other bereaved Holidays, so we call them. wp-content/uploads/2017/08/WCL- families around the globe for the Gently, the heart turns to Christmas. 2017-CMYK.png" \* 17th annual Worldwide Candle MERGEFORMATINET Lighting. Songs everywhere. And Lights. INCLUDEPICTURE Gently the heart must remember "https://www.compassionatefriends.org/ Items to bring: the things gone by, wp-content/uploads/2017/08/WCL- 1. If you would like a picture button, the time gone by, the child gone by. 2017-CMYK.png" \* come at 6:30 pm. Bring a MERGEFORMATINET picture on plain paper: 2 ¼ November again. to 2 ½ inches --Sascha Wagner 2. Also bring a picture for the memory table 3. A snack to share after the The heart knows many songs program and sings them well. 4. If desired, bring a gift for a needy The heart knows images child in memory of your and sees them, child even when life is much too dark 5. Plus we will be having a raffle. to light the eyes. The heart knows many songs we cannot hear. As candles are lit at 7 p.m. local The heart is wise. time, bereaved families gather to honor their loved ones in a way that Speaking Love transcends all ethnic, cultural, religious and political boundaries. Thoughtful mornings in November; Believed to be the largest mass winter gray and chill at twilight. WORLDWIDE CANDLE candle lighting on the globe, the Soon there will be colored candles. LIGHTING CEREMONY ceremony creates a virtual 24-hour Soon there will be celebration. wave of light as it moves from time Sponsored by: Do not force your heart from sorrow zone to time zone. Wherever you are The Eastern Jackson County at this time of happy splendor; at that time, we hope you will join us (Independence) and this is also time for speaking in this loving remembrance. A South Kansas City Chapter of love to dead and silent children. memorial message board will be --Sascha Wagner I Give Thanks ready for them. Lay in a supply of visit a soup kitchen or nursing home, tissues (a roll of toilet paper is more spend an evening at the bus station. For Time - The time I had with Tim, efficient). Anticipation is often far worse There are lots of lonely people who time to grow and learn even when I’m than reality. Let those hurting moments could use your love and caring. no longer young, and time which will come, deal with them and let them go. one day reunite me with my child. Work at lifting depression. Take Leave the word “ought” out of this responsibility for yourself. We cannot For Friends - Those whom I’ve known holiday. that time has taken from me, those I wait for someone else to wrap up some cherish now, and those I’ve yet to Plan ahead. Grieving people often joy and give it to us. We have to do that meet. experience a lack of concentration. for ourselves. Think of things you enjoy For Answered Prayers - I asked for Make lists. Prioritize everything. Decide and give yourself a treat. comfort and strength to face what I what is really important. (Breathing and Understand that heartaches will be must face, and You answered me - potty time rank right up there!) unpacked. As you sift through the maybe not the way I wanted, but You Redefine expectations. Be honest decorations, appreciate the warm, loving always answered me. in what you expect to be able to do. We memories of each piece. Don’t deny For Family - And I find my family live in a world of ought’s and should's yourself the gift of healing tears. expanding with each day. I find and suffer from guilt because we cannot Ask for help. Make a help-on-a- relatives need not always be family, meet our own expectations. stick sign and stand on the porch, and family need not always be Be kind and gentle to yourself. waving it. Someone will notice (but they relatives. Love makes families, not Figure out what you should do, balance may not stop). Just because you ask for blood lines. it against what you are capable of doing, help doesn’t guarantee you’ll get some; For the Children - Those remaining-- and then compromise. Forgive yourself but if you never ask, no one will ever mine and everyone else’s. And for the for living when your child died. know how much you might need help or ones that remain only in memory. Listen to yourself. Find the quiet even a hug. For Love - Love that’s been given me space within where all answers live. As Learn to look for joy in the so freely from hearts that were broken you become aware of your needs, tell moment. Learn to celebrate what you like mine, but still could offer me family members and friends. Keep some do have instead of making mental lists strength and hope. traditions; choose which ones. Don’t of what you’re missing. Change the way For all of you, I give thanks. toss out everything this year. You can you look at things. --Judy Dickey, TCF, Greenwood, IN always try changing a routine. Try Light a special candle. Not in Low-Fat, Lite Holidays whatever pops into your head. You can memory of a death, but in celebration of always scrap it if it doesn’t work. By Darcie D. Sims, PhD, CHT, CT, a life and a love shared! Never forget GMS, bereaved mother Take care of yourself physically. that once someone loved us and we Eat right. Exercise (or at least watch loved back. NO ONE can deny that. I’m tired of low fat! I’m tired of fat- someone else). Jog your memory! free. I’m tired of thinking rice cakes are Live through the hurt. Joy can good; they’re not the same as Oreos! Hold on to your purse and charge return to warm your heart. I’m not going I’m tired of trying to be creative in my cards. You can’t buy away your grief, to let yesterday use up today. If I have a thinking, my eating, my living, and I’m although you might be tempted to try. terrific memory to cherish, I’ll enjoy it. I tired of dreading the holidays. In fact, Screen all holiday activities: will not allow pain or fear or sadness to I’m just plain tired. Will it be the holiday without it? ruin the entire season. It may not be the same as before we became bereaved; but Can anyone stop the holidays please? Why do you do this activity? Tradition, whatever it is can be something, and that Can anyone find a fat substitute that habit, obligation? Do you have to do just may be the beacon of hope in this really tastes like mom’s pumpkin pie? this, or can others do it for you? Do you season of despair. Can anyone figure out a cure for the like doing it? How could this activity be Grab the fruitcake and the low-fat pain of these memories? Probably not. done differently? turkey and get moving to the rhythms of So, as long as we are stuck with the Give yourself the gift of emotions. this holiday season—the season where approaching holidays and as long as we Put the motion back into the emotions. love and memory might lighten the heart remain determined to be healthy and Toss a nerf ball when you’re angry, and chase the gloom. Skip the fat, shed keep up the good low-fat fight, what can pound a pillow. Go outside and yell the tears, light the candle, and find the we do to turn this season of despair into while you shovel snow. Find a way to light. Make this holiday season full of a season of hope? Where are the express the intensity of your feelings in light and love. beacons of light? a personally nondestructive way. Be patient with yourself. Know that Buy a gift for your child. Give it hardly anyone is as happy as you think away to someone who would otherwise they might be. We all have our hurts to not have a gift. It is the giving, the hide. We are always in a hurry. We want exchanging of love that we miss. When things to be better now. Do what you you share love, it grows. can this season and let that be enough. Hang the stockings, place a wreath Be realistic. It will hurt, especially if on the grave. Do whatever feels right there is an empty chair at the table. for you and your family. Don’t try to block bad moments. Be Share your holidays. Ride the ferry, brought the salad. And we were I wish we could go to Grandma’s. thankful--for each other, for the love I wish we could have Christmas, among us, and for memories. But nothing will ever be the same again If this will be your first without her. Thanksgiving, do something different. I don’t know what to do. The pattern for your life has been What will happen to us? broken. Break it some more! Have --From “The Heart of Samantha” by dinner at a different place, or with Nancy Gleim, TCF, Goshen, IN different people. Go away for the weekend. Be kind to yourself. You do Coping with Grief: not have it all, but you have something. Winter Blues --Ronnie Peterson The Other Season When the weather gets colder and the days get shorter, we often find Look to the season of your ourselves feeling low. Some people call memories— this the Winter Blues. When you are it fills the weather of your life grieving, those blues can feel with mildness. overwhelming. Grief itself is hard to It turns to laughter what your love cope with, and cold winds and dark remembers: nights can make those feelings seem the sound of words, invented new more intense. Here are a few ideas that for singing, may help you cope with the Winter discovery of all-important secrets. Blues: Look to the season of your Winter only lasts a few months. Use this time to reflect on your relationship memories— with the person who died. Sometimes in it sets an ordinary past to our efforts to deny our loss, we rob music. ourselves of precious memories. It changes ordinary tears to treasure. Reach out to friends or family when It gives your faded pictures shape What Will Happen to Us? you can. Often our isolation is worse and color: because we do not allow ourselves time the touch of eyes, a walk in My sister died last summer. with others. You are not alone. There foggy twilight. Mom cries. are many other people going through a Look to the season of your Dad sits in his chair—staring into space, similar experience. Although your memories— channel surfing, or sleeping. relationship with your loved one is how rich you were, and be how rich Nobody talks about her. special, other people can understand. again. It hurts too much. Take the risk to ask someone over for Look to the season of your What is happening to us? coffee or tea. Share with them. memories: Grandma invited us to Thanksgiving Take time to look through picture mourn and recall the Child you dinner. albums. Gather family to share stories love, Mom doesn’t want to go. when holidays are over, and the pressure you love— She cries. is off. Make a new tradition during the until you lose yourself— Dad just sits in his chair. dreary months of winter for family to to find yourself “Maybe we should go; it would help us gather for an evening of remembering. feel better,” I said. Maybe other people are feeling the same Nobody answers. way and are afraid to talk about it. What has happened to us? Try a grief support group. Mom doesn’t want to have Christmas. Sometimes all we need is to know other The Empty Chair “But Christmas was her favorite time of people hear us and understand. A group year,” I say. “She would want us to have can help you to know you are normal. I remember the first Thanksgiving Christmas.” after Tony was killed. I didn’t know Read: favorite stories, comedies, Mom is standing at the sink pretending how we could possibly get through that novels, or information about grief to to wash dishes, but I can tell she is dinner with his empty chair. understand your own reactions better. crying. Somehow reading about topics helps us The solution that occurred to me Dad just sits silently in his chair. know we are not alone. You can find was to fill his chair with someone else-- A tear trickles down his cheek. grief materials in your local library or several some ones. Grandpa came to What will happen to us? hospice office. spend the week; a newly widowed friend came for dinner, and so did her I go to my room. Take good care of yourself. Eat right, delightful young nephew and his bride, Quietly, I close the door. rest and pamper your body. This goes who had just moved to town. They I am so lonely. for any season. Your body is under a My whole being aches with grief. tremendous amount of stress in adjusting to this loss. Five members were visible to the human fitting place to carry his tree. Since grief affects us physically, eye; the sixth member was held within I was reminded of the time he and paying attention to our bodies is our yearning hearts. Rachel had ventured in there alone and important. Whether you prefer to do “ We are very sad at this moment,” were rescued by the brother of one of things alone or with others, physical Rachel began to read from her printed our neighbors. And there was the time activity helps. Taking a walk, doing page. “We think of the things we did Rachel, Daniel and I along with one of simple aerobics, indoor swimming, together, and we think of the sad things Daniel’s friends, went for a walk in the playing racquetball or other activities that happened too, and it won’t be so woods and got lost. It was raining when can help you keep your body ready for hard. But we will still be a little sad in we finally found our way out. We had the continued adjustment to loss. Feeling the heart.” Then she somberly passed no idea where we were, so we asked better physically can make a difference. the papers to my husband. She had directions to get home. A kind, elderly written the next lines for him to read and man offered to drive us home. The kids If you feel sad and need to cry, know they ended with, “It’s going to be hard had been excited about riding in his that this is a normal reaction. You are to keep the tears away, but we will still Oldsmobile, while I just felt foolish for not weak if you need to show your dig up this tree, even if it hurts.” getting lost. emotions. And that was our reason for the When he returned from taking the Write a letter to your loved one. ceremony. It was time to dig up the thin tree to the woods, David placed a stake Sometimes we need to communicate maple that died last fall and, like Daniel, in the ground where the tree had been. with them. Going to the cemetery is did not bloom in the spring. It wasn’t This was to mark where we wanted the okay and normal. If the weather just any old maple tree. The tree had so next tree to be planted. The local nursery prevents that, a letter can be very much significance, and that was why it was to come that week with a new tree, helpful. had taken us all of spring and summer given to us by friends who wanted to do Remember that you will survive this before we were ready to uproot it. something in Daniel’s memory. loss. The pain and ache can seem like it Without leaves, it spent months in the What a surge of joy I felt when I will last forever. The intensity will front lawn. I was prepared to tell looked out the window the next day to lessen in time, although you will always neighbors why we couldn’t dig it out of see the newly planted tree! We had remember your loved one. Time does the ground, but no one asked why we chosen a gentle and drooping weeping not necessarily “heal” all wounds, but it kept a dead tree in our yard. Could they willow, because there was such can help us adjust to the change. Take it have known it was the very tree we significance in its very name and stature. minute by minute…then day by day. planted three weeks after Daniel’s birth? It would be a reminder to others of our Did they realize it died only a few weeping spirits over the loss of our --Lifted with love from the Sugar Land- months before our four-year-old son? precious son, and to us, we would watch Southwest Houston TCF Newsletter I had looked at that tree many times this tree grow and flourish, as our since Daniel left us, remembering how memories and love do for Daniel. he played by it, rode his Cozy Coupe --By Alice J. Wisler. You can choose Christmas, under it and ran around it. Just the other just as you can choose no Christmas. night when looking through the You can choose to hold on to your pain hundreds of pictures we have of him, I Special Handling Please and your anger and your sadness. found one with him at age three in a hat I was handed a package the other day. And many people do. and funny sunglasses, holding the tree. It was wrapped securely to be Their sadness and pain and buried Never in our wildest dreams had we mailed away. resentment feel good—like old friends known both boy and tree would be gone Attached to the outside as plain as could they don’t want to give up. in the same year. When the lines of the be was a simple note for all to see. But we choose. memories of Daniel had all been read, “Please rush through the holiday season; We choose to hold on or let go. David dug up the dead tree. “Good-bye, too painful to open for any reason. Daniel,” I said within my heart. It was as —Clyde Reid Contained within find one broken heart though a part of Daniel was again being fragile, broken, falling apart.” taken from me. It was the same feeling Tried to go shopping the other day; of “good-bye” as I had felt when the the hype of the season blew me men from the Vietnam Veterans had away. come to take the old, plaid sofa. Daniel A Boy and His Tree Sat down to write cards; that was insane. had lived on that sofa during his last Couldn’t find the list or think of my months. There he’d eaten cereal, It was time. In an hour the November name. watched videos, looked at books and afternoon would be dark. With Baby People say, “Come over, be of good thrown up. David cut a few branches Elizabeth in the stroller, we headed to cheer.” from the tree, and Rachel announced we our front lawn. Benjamin immediately “Celebrate the holidays, prepare a could make a cross out of them to place began to run around, but my husband, New Year.” in the little memorial garden we have by David, seven-year-old Rachel and I But my grief overwhelms me like waves the side of the house. Then, with David stood beside the thin tree. Rachel held in the sea. placing the maple over his shoulder, he the order of ceremony that she had spent Can they cope with my crying, an and Rachel began to walk toward the the afternoon writing. It was three pages unsettled me? nearby woods. Daniel had enjoyed the of her own creation, the “service” for I don’t have any holiday cheer. our family’s gathering that afternoon. woods so much, and we knew it was a Decorations, it’s TIME for the annual migration of do, however, have sweater clad pink traditions, big family meal—I can’t memories and the Great Stuff the flamingos in the yard, holding our do this year. Turkey contest (the turkey won last SEASON’S GREETINGS sign…) We Do you know how I feel? Guilty year). Because we’re in another new are normal…except for OUR STORY and frustrated! place, there will be the dilemma of and for the tears in our family fabric. I’ve let everyone down! where to put the tree and how do we But no one knows those tears anymore Our holiday celebrations were the explain to the company about that one and I don’t think I’m ready not to have a best in town. empty stocking? past just yet. I don’t think I’m ready for So just ship me away, “address Nothing fits this year! The kitchen no one to remember our hurt, let alone unknown.” is too small for the turkey and the the joy our loved ones gave to us. When my grief is better I might fly flamingoes are going to freeze in the 20 I unpack the silver today, intending home. below temperature. I haven’t memorized to polish it and place it in the dining --Mary J. Pinkava, TCF Atlanta my address and the grocery store is in room so it would add its shimmer to the the wrong place. festive decorations. I wasn’t ready for Wish … I’m busy knitting little sweaters the flood of memories that came back for the flamingos left over from life in when I traced my fingers over the I wish you gentle days the SWAMP, and practicing with the delicately carved designs in the coffee and quiet nights. snow shovel. I keep forgetting where pot, remembering my mother patiently I wish you memories I’ve hidden gifts I bought last summer, teaching me how to polish good silver. I to keep you strong. and nothing seems to fit in the place like wasn’t ready for the loneliness that I wish you time to smile it did in the last one! swept over me as I placed the tea pot on and time for song. We were comfortable in the last the tray and suddenly wanted to call And then I wish you friends place…but then I forget that is what we MOM and tell her I was, at last and to give you love, said when we first moved there too. We again, home. She had taught me that when you are hurt and lost always seem to be more comfortable in silver always spoke of a comforting and life is blind. the last placer…at least we know where home…and now that I had found it and the memories are and where to put them set it out, I wanted someone to I wish you friends and love and how to handle them. Here in the remember with me all those talks my and peace of mind. new place, no one knows our “story.” mom and I had shared. No one knows our history…it is as if we I’M NOT READY YET…to live only have NO PAST. It’s easy to blend in, on the surface of life. I want to share my and not so easy to settle in…and THE history with my new friends, yet it HOLIDAYS ARE COMING, AND I’M NOT seems unfair to me to spoil their holiday READY YET…. season. It’s not the same for me; there is I’M NOT READY YET…the universal still a lot of empty in my heart. Not as cry of all living beings. I’m not ready much as before, but now the emptiness yet for first grade, for crossing the street comes from being too new anywhere to by myself, for sleep away camp, for really belong. junior high, for getting married, for So…I’ll just have to figure out how getting a job, for having children, for to handle the holidays I’m never going burying someone I love. I’M NOT READY to be ready for in places I may never be YET…for grieving, for handling the settled in. As long as …the silver is I’m Not Ready Yet holidays, for stuffing a turkey, for polished and ready, then let the holidays We should know better by now. It finding a place for everything, for living come! We’ll figure out how to tell shouldn’t keep surprising us, but it does. where no one knows my story. I’M NOT enough of our history, so we won’t be No matter how hard we try, no matter READY YET… for Halloween, for lonely and so people will understand what we do to prepare ourselves, it still Thanksgiving, for Hanukkah …or for about the flamingos and the tiny empty happens. Year after year, generation blizzards or frozen pink flamingos. chair and the joy that lights up our life after generation, it arrives without I’m not ready for the annual flood when we grasp hands together in the hesitation or delay. It stays too long and of memories that always spill out as we family circle. never lasts long enough. It is filled with unpack the stockings from their tissue We’ll decorate our new house (your anticipation and dread, and we never wrapped nest. I’M NOT READY YET…for new life?) with the treasures that speak learn enough, and we know far too the clutch of pain that still wraps my of our history, finding joy in the much. heart in grief as we place the ornaments memories they spark. We’ll bring with It is greeted with great joy and on the tree. I’M NOT READY YET…for us some of the old, add a few pieces of heavy despair. And it is always opening the door to greet strangers who new and practice the art of blending are fast becoming friends but who may yesterday with today in hopes of announced by the universal cry of I’M never know the effort it has taken to be creating another memory for tomorrow. NOT READY YET…” The HOLIDAYS are coming, and I haven’t even cleaned up who I am now. I guess it doesn’t matter if you have the fireworks from the Fourth of July. I’M NOT READY YET to be “normal” moved or have never left the same place I’m still unpacking boxes (we’ve and take my place among the normal for generations, it is still an unsettled moved…again!) and the calendar says people of the world. We look normal. feeling the first time no one remembers For the most part we act normal. (We the journey you’ve been on. The first time no one mentions your child’s name alone with no hope. As a bereaved impulse seems to be to lump all those starts a hollowness in our being that parent, those have been my feelings days together and dread them leaves us empty and feeling alone. It is exactly. For many years I too could not concurrently, like a prisoner serving as if the world has made its move again see beyond my island. several life sentences. and everything that once was so It’s possible to do it that way, but awkward and out of place has now Eventually Rudolph returns safely to that’s the hard way. Getting through this assumed a “normal” atmosphere and the North Pole. He tells Santa about the day may take all the energy you can most of the world “forgets” the price we island and the broken toys. Santa goes muster. Why try to handle March or paid for this “near normal.” to the island with his elves, and the toys May or July (or whenever your special I’ll hand the special ornaments, are repaired. They don’t look all shiny days are) now? You can’t really, and by enjoy the silver tea pot and cherish the and bright like new toys, but they do trying, you end up only defeating warmth of the love these gifts of have hope beyond the island now. yourself in your effort to effectively remembrance bring. No one else has to Had I written this article prior to this survive this day. When this day is past, know the story for me to acknowledge it year, I’d have stopped at the fact that the March or May or July will still be there, and remember it. No one else has to toys were broken and saw no hope. For trying to defeat your tomorrow—but know the pain for me to share the joy of most bereaved parents, that is quite true only if you let them! having these things be a part of my for some length of time. Now my Get past this day--and tomorrow and NOW. We’ll gather together and count ending tells me (and you) that there is tomorrow and tomorrow. By the time our blessings, not only naming the ones hope beyond our island. We won’t be March, May or July gets here you’ll around the table, but including those shiny and brand new, for we all have have improved your coping skills. You whose lives have touched ours in gone through many changes. But after can better handle your special days with countless ways. One does not have to be much time for repair, we can experience more practice. I encourage you to know present to be alive in the hearts of those the feeling of “hope” once more. you can and will be better. Use this New who shared a few moments of the Year to work toward that end. --Holiday Blessings. journey together. The heart never forgets —Mary Cleckley, Atlanta, GA …even when the world does. --By Linda M. Trimmer No, nothing fits this year, just like We Can Make It “Merry” Christmas nothing fit last year or the year before. During the holiday season, both I question if Christmas can ever be But it’s getting better, improving either Christians and Jews light candles in “merry” except to the heart of an with age or experience or patience. Or celebration of their respective faiths. As innocent child— maybe it’s because it is simply they do so, even the darkest rooms for when time has taught us the meaning becoming a thread in the continuing become warm and bright from the glow of sorrow and sobered the spirits fabric of our lives. We will probably of a candle. Then we can ask ourselves, that once were so wild, always be a bit unsettled, unnerved how powerful or sinister can the when all the green graves that lie when the roll call finds a name missing darkness be if it can be overcome by the scattered behind us or a chair empty. But, then why light of one little candle? like milestones are marking the shouldn’t we be a little sad when a light There is then a message in this for all length of the way, goes out in our world? of us. When the darkness seems to and echoes of voices that no more shall So, this holiday season, gather in overwhelm us--and it can be a mental greet us have saddened the chimes your blessings and count them ALL, and spiritual darkness as well as the of a bright Christmas Day— knowing that no one else has to know darkness of a winter night --we need to we may not be merry; the long years about them for them to be real for you. be reminded that it is powerless to forbid it— Just because no one else knows THE withstand the smallest bit of the years that have brought us such STORY does not mean it is any less illumination. manifold smarts. real. Count the blessings of the people in So as the world grows colder and But we may be happy if only we carry your story and find the peace that comes darker during these winter months, we the spirit of Christmas deep down in with counting a holiday of joy as bereaved parents must do what people our hearts. remembered & love shared. of many faiths have been taught to do at Hence, I shall not wish you the old Peace to us all…wherever we may this season. Light a candle in someone’s “Merry Christmas,” be. life to make the darkness and fears flee. since that is of shadowless --by Darcie D. Sims A little bit of light is all that most of us childhood a part, need, but oh we need that little bit so but one that is holy and happy and badly. peaceful, The Island of Misfit Parents --Bettye & Sam Rosenberg, Louisville, KY the Spirit of Christmas deep down In the Christmas animation The New Year in your heart. “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer,” After the holidays, we will be off on Chanukah Is Here Rudolph and his friends go to an island another 365. Some of you, I know, Chanukah is here. full of “misfit toys.” The toys are stuck wonder if you can make it. That’s such I see the candles glow, red, pink & blue. there because they are different. The an enormous amount of time to But you’re not here to see their choo-choo train has square wheels, and contemplate all at once, isn’t it? You pretty shadows. the jack-in-the-box doesn’t have a may have some of your “firsts” coming I shop for gifts. And this year, again, spring. These toys are broken and left in the months ahead, and the normal once more, I won’t be in a quandary of what to buy. This should be a silent night. understanding. I give you my love, my precious son, Someday, Christmases may find you When we grieve and hurt, we must try for that is eternal. laughing as in days long past— to realize that feelings of anger And once again, it will have to do. Memories may yet remind you, and bitter frustration are natural. --Ginette Kravet, Central Jersey TCF love alone is made to last. We must also recognize that most of So, for now, may these words shine this angry sensitivity is temporary. through night & day to where you are, You know you don’t have with you In time, we will rediscover our ability to Love transcends the darkest times… anymore the child you are longing for. It understand and forgive It’s the light of every star. probably seems sometimes that you many people, --Jim Howard hardly had her at all. Time passes so not only others in the world around us, quickly. But what does that tell you, if but also ourselves. you can listen and hear it? That life is temporary. You may have him only in The important word here is “IN TIME” memory, but you do have others who are Solace here right now, who mean so much to you. Celebrate the temporariness of life In the smallest hour of your day, with them. when you are alone You thought life with your lost love with things remembered, would go on and on. You didn’t expect questions unanswered to lose your child. Let this difficult and unfinished dreams, then: lesson be learned, and enjoy the life you give to yourself have with those who are here right now. the gifts of your kindness, Love them while you have them and bring to yourself they have you. And for goodness sake! the comforts of forgiving, Let them know you love them. What a share with yourself gift you’ll give them! the mercy of your love. Who Is to Say— --Donna Kruger Love and death For those who think that Christmas are the most powerful events and Chanukah are just nice days to give in human experience. and get presents, bereaved parents have Joy and grief another message. Mixed with the joy is are the natural companions the knowledge of sadness. With the of love and death hope of birth comes the threat of death. Traditions We should not try to cover up our Who is to say sadness in front of people, for we have a Have you been taught that we could have lesson to teach them. to cry without a sound love and joy (the tears descending if we had not But the holidays have a lesson for us like a cutting edge)? death and grief? too. Yes, there is death. Yes, there is great bitterness in life. There is darkness. But Have you been taught Giving Thanks there is hope. There is birth. There is to smile beyond endurance light. (your throat an aching I cannot hold your hands today, I cannot see your smile. In a society which works too hard to lock around your heart)? Have you been taught I cannot hear your voices now, deny death, perhaps only bereaved my children, who are gone. parents & a few others can truly to owe the world your service understand the depths of these holidays until your mind But I recall your faces still, seems not to be your own? the songs, the talks, the sighs. --Dennis Klass, TCF, St. Louis, MO Do not consent. And story times and winter walks, Truth teaches other lessons: and sharing secret things. grief needs to sob aloud; grief does not want to smile; I know you helped my mind to live grief wants to serve beyond your time with me. your inner healing, first. You gave me clearer eyes to see, you gave me finer ears to hear, All around you, light and laughter In Time… what living means, All around you, carols toll. When we grieve and hurt, we seem to what dying means, Christmas, yes—but so soon after be more aware of everyone’s my children, who are gone. such a loss to heart and soul? shortcomings, mistakes and So here it is Thanksgiving Day, In the distance, bells are ringing, limitations. and you are not with me. houses glow with festive lights. When we grieve and hurt, we seem to be And while I weep a mother’s tears, How can voices still be singing? less capable of forgiveness and I thank you for the gifts you were, and all the gifts you gave to me, obligation.  A year to really show the people my children, who are gone. in my life how much they mean What will it be like? What will it bring? It’s all right to… to me There will be many events over which Scream in the shower.… we can have no control. And there will  The year I finally stop asking Yell in the car.… be things over which we cannot exert why and accept what is Cry anywhere you like. our influence.  The year when I start taking Misplace your glasses, the car keys and better care of myself the car. What do we want from this yew year?  A time to stop dwelling on the Put milk in the cupboard, toilet paper in First, we need to realize that there is no shortness of my child's life and the refrigerator, magic. Solvable problems are the just be grateful that I had her at and ice cream in the oven. realistic ones to tackle. Take some time all Beat up on the pillow, to dis-cuss and identify a few things you  A year to thank You for all that stomp on the ground, can do to make this new year at least You've given me, even the things Throw stones in the lake, decent (remember, you're allowed to be that didn't seem like such a Change grocery stores if it hurts. happy). blessing at the time Wear one black shoe and one navy. Have tear stains on your ties. There is a song that includes in its lyrics, --Kathy McCormick, TCF, Lower Eat french fries for breakfast, "All the people tell me so. What do the Bucks toast for lunch and peanut butter for people know?" If they haven't walked in dinner (as long as you eat). your shoes, most of them don't know Write him a letter.…Bake her a cake. much about what you're having to do. Smell his clothes.… So, DON'T MEASURE YOURSELF WITH THEIR Celebrate his life on his birthday. YARDSTICK. They think you should have Talk to your pets, they understand. done this, not done that, have completed Leave his room the way it is, the other. You're the one who's doing it, for as long as you like. so you figure out what's realistic and Say her name just to hear the sound. possible for you. And try it. Don't be Talk about him to others. afraid to revise your plan, revamp your Tell loved ones what you need. schedule. It's not written in stone. Say no when you feel like it. Cancel plans if you want. BE GOOD TO YOURSELF. Small pleasures Have a bad day.…It’s all right to hurt. can bring small joys. Small joys are better than none. The odd occasional And one day when you’re ready treat—flowers, a special food, dinner it’s all right to… out, a trip, calling a friend, a walk on a Laugh again.…Dance and feel pretty. nice day—you know what pleases you. Have a good time.… Don't be afraid to be kind to you. Winter Questions Look forward to tomorrow. Sing in the shower.… HELP SOMEONE ELSE. It may not sound the year has gone again Smile at a friend’s new baby. logical, but to reach out to another from spring to winter— Wear make-up once more. hurting heart in friendship, love and and in this year, Go for a day, a week, and caring, helps to heal our own wounds. A your memories may have found even a month without crying. hug, a note, a phone call, sharing a breath of calm between them, Celebrate the holidays. something you've written, doing things quiet respite—sometimes… for your TCF chapter that will help Forgive those who failed you. then why must there be others—they help you too. Learn something new. twice as many now— Look at his picture and remember Another year is starting. With work and these feelings, now, with happiness, not pain. determination, these visions, songs and voices, Go on with your life. from Halloween to New Year's: TOGETHER WE CAN MAKE IT! Cherish the memories. twice memories and smiles, And one day when it’s time… --Joan D. Schmidt, TCF, Central Jersey twice memories and tears…? It’s all right to love again. Dear God, please let this be… you know the answer, even while you cry: --Vicki Tushingham,, TCF,  More than a page from the Bergen/Passaic, NJ the tears are, calendar (like the smiles)  A year of healing and health a season's song of love.  A year of forgiving past hurts  A year to reach out to someone --Sascha Wagner Another Year else in my child's memory As the year is drifting away  The beginning of a new positive Another year is starting. A new slate, We remember the grievers outlook fresh, nothing written on it, no joys, no The friends and the strangers  A year of wondrous new sorrows. It's an opportunity, and an Whose children have gone from this life accomplishments In the year that is leaving us now That is in me For Remembrance dates please visit our We remember the grievers Through these holidays website at The friends and the strangers I can start a new year. www.easternjacksoncountytcf.org We wish them hope. —Tom Spray, TCF, Ventura County, CA Find us on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/158 --Sascha Wagner 2699755290182 TCF asks for donations in memory To Start a New Year We have several volunteers who write of our children who have died. Our remembrance cards to families on If I can concentrate activities support the grief work of birthdays and death dates. Just a On the moral and spiritual many families. We also work to reminder if you have an address change Side of the holidays educate members of our community please email [email protected] or I can make it through. about the grief process & how they mail a note to TCF, C/O Theresa Phillips If I can absorb can support bereaved parents. 6200 Kentucky Raytown, MO 64133 so The love and warmth Please help us help others. Make a the roster can be updated. That was the beginning Please remember that you can give I can give love back. LOVE GIFT today. Tax deductible Love Gifts may be sent to: TCF C/O Carol to The Compassionate Friends through If I can share Cavin 214 E Hansen Ct, Independence, your United Way pledge at work or as a The grief and the love MO 64055 single gift, but you MUST WRITE IT IN