Man, They'll Give Webspace to Anybody These Days Even, Say, This Guy

I'M ONLINE???

Man, they'll give webspace to anybody these days... even, say, this guy...

Hi. I am known by many names, and RClock is one of them. I'm using this one because it 's shorter than the others. I'd explain who I am, but, well, I highly doubt anybody who doesn't know me would ever intentionally end up here.

If you came here looking for jewelled limited-edition watches or something on a search engine, you mig ht want to hit the ol' back button. Things are gonna make even less sense as you go in deeper.

And here's a little advance warning: there exist orangutans with better HTML prowess than me, so don't exp ect this to look like the Pebble Beach Country Club or anything. Not that a website could look like the Pebble Beach Country Club, mind you, but you get the idea.

Site Stuff:

Stuff I Wrote

Stuff I Drew

Stuff I Think

Stuff I Said

Stuff I'm Doing When I'm Not Here

What I... Look Like???

Read a "Blog" Have fun!

-RClock

Legal Notice: All copyrighted characters, names and ideas depicted here are the exclusive cop yright of their original creators, and my mentioning them here is not intended for infringement of any sort. Nothing on this web site is for profit, monetary or otherwise. And everything else is 100% my intellectual property, but I'm trusting you guys not to rip me off .

Ha ha ha. Guess I fooled you. Nope, I don't do blogs. Don't read 'em, don't write 'em. They make me uncomfortable.

You can go back now. No, really. Go back.

So... what do I look like?

I'm not overly fond of revealing what I look like online. No, I'm not hideously deformed or anything, but I enjoy the mystery one gets as part of the anonymity of the Internet. Plus, I find that after people discover what you look like, they tend to be unable to separate the face from the works. I think my stuff speaks for itself. But if you need to see what I look like...

CLICK HERE, s'il te plait. QuickTime™ and a decompressor are needed to see this picture.

Okay, so it's outdated by 20 years or so, but that should give you a rough idea of what I look like. This should dissuade those rampant Internet rumours that I'm black.

QuickTime™ and a decompressor are needed to see this picture.

Sadly, Barkley is no longer with us. He was put down after a tragic plaster-related incident during home renovations. Requiem eternum, Barkley.

BARKLEY THE DOG

(1983 - 1991)

I GET AROUND...

Maybe you've run into me somewhere else on this big old Internet. Here's where: GameFAQs

Grudge Match

Burning Horizon Forum

Fanfiction.net

(Elaboration coming soon!)

NOW HE'S DOING EDITORIALS...

Yeah, that's right. Here's where all my aimless rants masquerading as legitimate articles will eventually go. I don't have much up here right now, but that will change.

And in case I don't make myself clear already, everything in these articles is my opinion. Don't agree with me? That's the magic of opinions; you don't have to!

ARCHIVED ARTICLES:

My Top 100 Songs - August 7, 2005

Why Revenge of the Sith Rocks - June 9, 2005

The Five Best Movies You've Never Seen - March 31, 2005

Messed-up Cartoons: The Brave Frog - March 5, 2005

Paper Hearts and the Meaning of Life - Jan 13, 2005 The other day I was walking downtown in the bitter cold, my jacket wrapped tightly around me. Thanks to the efforts of the road workers, the sidewalks were completely buried, forcing me to walk along the outside edge of the road, stumbling wearily along the inch-high drifts. My hood, hat and collar worked to cover as much of my face as it could, but I could still feel the stinging wind freezing the water around my eyes. I tend to go on autopilot in times like this, letting my feet work automatically as my mind wanders to anywhere it chooses.

I was stirred back to reality when I saw a flash of magenta out of the corner of my eye. Against the maddening uniform white, it was impossible to miss. Stopping, I bent over and picked up the small object clinging tenaciously to a snowdrift. It was a small paper heart, about the size of the palm of my hand. It was very thin paper; barely thicker than a post-it note. Turning it over, I saw that the heart was adorned with a simple inscription in black ink:

Despite the cold and the wind, I just stood there for a moment, staring at the delicate item in my hand. I don't know exactly how long I stared at it, nor did I notice if anybody saw me. It wouldn't really matter if I did; the world at large considers me a shiftless daydreamer, so I wasn't making a bad impression on myself or anything. I half-considered stuffing the heart in my pocket, but for whatever reason I set it back in the snow and continued on my way. Perhaps I didn't feel it was mine to have.

It should have ended there, but for the rest of the day my thoughts kept creeping back to that little paper heart. Why did what was, for all purposes, a piece of garbage, make such an impression on me? Maybe it was because so much was revealed simply through the existence of that heart. And so much more was laid open to question.

Who was Janet? Did she make the heart? Did somebody make it for her? If so, what relation were they to her, and why was it made? Did Janet ever get the heart? Did it mean anything to her? Was it lost? Discarded? Abandoned? I'll likely never know. And yet, there is so much I do know.

It's obvious that whoever made that heart took some time to make it. Tracing it, cutting it out of paper, and writing the name on it took some effort, however minor. That heart didn't just come to be from random natural progresses. As well, that heart was designed with specific purposes in mind. In general, people do not create hearts inscribed with girl's names on them for no reason. That heart had some sort of specific intention behind its creation, and there was conscious effort towards its completion. I may not know what these intentions are, but I do know that they do exist.

And that was finally when it hit me. It's just like life, isn't it?

Just like people walking past that little heart sitting in the snow, we go through life without seeing who was responsible for our creation. And sometimes it's not always readily apparent as to what our purpose is for being here. But that doesn't mean that somebody wasn't responsible for our creation. And it doesn't mean that we don't have a purpose for being here. All of the trivial little questions we can come up with about what and why can't change the truth. If I can get so much information from such a little paper heart, imagine the information we can find in the rest of this incredible universe, from the intricate strands of a DNA molecule to the incredible mass and energy of the largest stars. All of this just didn't come out of nowhere, and it's not just hanging around for no reason. Somebody made all this. And Somebody put it there for a reason. So, here's my main point; even though I never saw who made that paper heart, I know that somebody had created it. And even though I was never told why it was made, I knew that it was deliberately designed with some purpose in mind.

And the same could easily be said of you and I.

I’ve decided to try something a bit different, just experimental-like. I hope you all enjoy it (all 5 of you that read this, that is; hi, Mom! Hi, Jenny! I’ll call ya tonight!).

Messed-up cartoons. You know when you rent or buy some obscure title made by a company you’ve never heard of and end up slack-jawed in horror, disgust, or holy-crap-I-can’t-believe-I-paid-money-for-this-garbage incredulity? Well, this is a collection my experiences with these rotten cartoons that plagued my childhood, and are partially responsible for my somewhat deranged countenance today.

This will NOT be a place to discuss badly-made but relatively well-known (or at least "respectable") cartoons. You won’t find mainstream crap like the Shnookums & Meat, Kissyfur, or the steaming cauldron of horror known as David the Gnome. Nor is this a place for the works of well-known yet deranged creators like Don Bluth, Tim Burton and Ralph Bakshi. This is for the REALLY bad, REALLY weird, and REALLY obscure ones. If any of you out there have seen any of the productions I analyze, I’d absolutely love to hear about it. You might end up published!

Well, so long as we’re looking at bad cartoons, we may as well start at the top, or perhaps the bottom, with the absolute worst cartoon I’ve ever had the misfortune of seeing.

FROM THE ANNALS OF MESSED-UP CARTOONS, IT’S… THE BRAVE FROG

(Boy, I wish this one would croak)

The Brave Frog. Doesn’t sound like an abyss of mind-warping horror, does it? Well, titles can be deceiving. Like nobody’s business. The animation is hideous, the voices are below the pay-scale stuff you hear on low-budget commercials on local TV and radio stations, the music is grotesque, and the plot is insultingly bleak ("Like a Shakespearean tragedy on acid", one insightful viewer had it). And although I don’t know the exact running time, I’d estimate it clocks in at least three hours. Now, I’m willing to sit through a film like, say, Lord of the Rings for three hours or so. But believe me, a long running time is the ONLY thing this film has in common with Lord of the Rings.

Now, before we start, let me just say that it’s been several years since I’ve seen this film, as it was thrown out like the garbage it is years ago. I almost regret it, as I’d love to do a full analysis from more than memory. However, I’m sure you should be able to see how bad this is from what I remember of it.

The movie opens with a young family of anthropomorphic frogs swimming merrily in a small pond with their newly hatched tadpoles. However, a badly drawn pike or something comes out of nowhere and gobbles up all of the tadpoles save one; an ugly little fellow with puffy lips and a baseball cap. That tadpole, needless to say is the protagonist of the piece, the titular Brave Frog. You can tell how much of an impact he made on me; I can’t ever remember his name. So, I’ll just refer to him as "Brave Frog" from here on out. Oh, and if you think the opening sounds familiar, you’d get no argument from me. But if I was the creator of Finding Nemo, and some guy on the Internet so much as implied that my wonderful film was "inspired" by this schlock, I’d sue the vitals out of him. So, I’m keeping my mouth shut.

Anyway, ugly little tadpole becomes an ugly little frog, and he, along with his nebbishy Woody Allen-like father, and demure, downright boring mother, move by raft to Rainbow Pond, where they’ll be safe from pikes and such, because it’s like a big city. Uh oh. These bumpkins are gonna get a first-hand taste of man’s inhumanity to man. Er… frog’s inhumanity to frog. Uh… frog’s infrogity to frog? My head hurts. And while this is happening, the narrator chimes in, as he does throughout the movie. Now, unlike most narrators, this one is relegated to speaking in these really lame poems, all of which begin with "Ribbit… to the limit… put your whole heart in it." And then he provides one of those self- motivational catchphrases that you hear on infomercials. I have to admit the narrator is well-used. Just when you’ve forgotten about him, here comes another stupid poem.

Ah, but Rainbow Pond is but a cardboard paradise, as it is run by the Frog King, a massive frog with a bushy moustache (!!!), who looks like a good candidate for the Subway Diet. His daughter is the scrawny and whiny Princess Pookie – no prizes for guessing that she plays a major part in proceedings, Heaven help us. The King is royally croaked off, because he’s heard that a family of tree frogs (guess who?) has arrived at Rainbow Pond, and everybody knows that tree frogs have no place living among leopard frogs. Wow. I bet nobody ever was a racist again after seeing this movie. For real.

Watching the King converse with his daughter is an interesting view of varied "acting" styles. The King grumbles his lines like he’s trying to imitate Marlon Brando by stuffing his cheeks with butter. Pookie, by contrast, whines and mewls all of her lines, and doesn’t pause between her phrases, like everything she says is one long run-on sentence. And yet despite this, neither of the two could be said to be a better actor than the other. It’s mind-boggling. Oh, and I suppose we’re all supposed to gasp at the King’s offhand sexism when he dismisses his daughter by grumbling "You’re becoming a real woman; you nag and cry all the time.", but considering how whiny the whole cast is, it sounds like a fair comment.

Anyway, the Frog family moves into a cozy little house and tries to eke out an existence, the neighbours being either warily distant or cautiously friendly. Brave Frog goes to school (and becomes a major jerk in the process, blowing off his responsibilities with his newfound freedom), and runs afoul of two characters named Lefty and Moe. Although ostensibly schoolyard bullies, they look like they’re in their mid-thirties. Lefty sounds like Phil Hartman doing his Frank Sinatra impression while drunk, and carries around a guitar but never plays it. Moe is a fat, squeaky-voiced guy with a Hawaiian shirt. Their taunting of the tree frog newcomer is a harbinger of the horrors yet to come, and by that I mean the rest of the movie.

Anyway, the Frog family returns home one evening to find their home smashed to pieces. The investigating police officer, a crayfish, mutters something like "Well, evidently there’s evidence, but there’s no evidence to evidently indicate who left this evidence." And walks off muttering to himself. I crap you not. Well, now we know what happened in the O. J. Simpson trial. But, as a crusty old barracuda rasps, everybody knows who did the deed; the Frog King’s hit man, a lobster named Zari (!!!). This is my favourite element in the whole movie. First of all, a lobster wearing a fedora and pinstripes is hilarious enough. Then, there’s the fact that this guy is given free reign to go around offing folks in this purported kids’ flick (seriously; show this to anybody under 15 and it’s a one-way trip to freak city). Finally, there’s the fact that the animators coloured Zari red, even though everybody who got out of third grade knows that lobsters are dark green, and only turn red after they’ve been cooked in boiling water.

Nevertheless, the message is clear; tree frogs aren’t welcome in Rainbow Pond. Really, it seems that anything that isn’t a leopard frog (and one lobster) is fair game to be whacked, and quite publicly as well. Makes me wonder why anybody bothers living there at all. Heck, even old Mr. Barracuda is threatened when he speaks against the King, but he ducks under the water, grumbling "Tyrant!" Don’t barracudas eat frogs? Even elderly ones? But then, the King is about 5 times bigger than everybody else in this film, so Mr. Barracuda must be a dwarf. Or maybe the animators’ only research of pond life was when they were facedown in one after a bender.

But Papa Frog says they’re not moving, because he needs the money and Brave Frog needs schooling. I think the only thing Brave Frog is gonna learn in that school is the Frog version of Mein Kampf. Really, one could make some sort of comparison here between the Tree Frogs in Rainbow Pond and the Jewish people in WWII-era Germany. I’m not saying a kids’ movie COULDN’T be made with these themes, but they’d need to be way less ham-fisted than this. But still, something tells me they just did it for a paycheck and nothing more. Talk about tainted money!

So anyway, life goes on, and Brave Frog retreats to the lily pads for some quiet time. But it’s not quiet for long, because we discover he’s carved a flute out of reeds. The video box labels this as "a magic flute", indicating that perhaps it’s the beauty of this music that warms the hearts of even the cruel Cosa Nostra of Rainbow Pond, but there’s absolutely nothing magical about it. But it’s important to the plot, because A) it is the catalyst that introduces him to Princess Pookie (whiner, meet whiner) and B) that stupid song he plays on the flute (one song is all he knows) consists of 90% of the soundtrack.

There is a surrealistic scene where, as Brave Frog plays his flute, we see Pookie’s silhouette do some really badly drawn ballet-like moves, and then disappear and appear somewhere else. Naturally, we assume this is a dream, but then she actually approaches Brave Frog and talks to him. So, I guess Pookie can teleport from place to place. Whatever. They have a conversation about the horrors of The System, but since nothing they do affects the situation in the slightest (and in some cases make it worse), it’s just more tedious padding. And the narrator (remember him?) seems to indicate a romance between the two, but they’re both such stilted self-obsessed wussbags I don’t see anything coming of this.

Anyway, another indeterminate period of not much passes, and then Lefty and Moe approach Brave Frog one night and offer him a chance to prove himself. Eager to impress these two paragons of cool, Brave Frog willingly accepts. The machiavellian pair take him to a garden, where they point out a sleeping cat, which I think could seriously contend for the most shoddily-animated character in the movie, and that’s saying something. The animators were going for some sort of realism, but instead they just made it so 90% of the cat was a static watercolour painting. Anyway, Brave Frog is told that all he has to do is pull out one of the cat’s whiskers and bring it back. Oh, please. Anybody who’s ever owned a cat knows that the cat’s whiskers aren’t just hairs; they’re connected to their nervous systems to detect stuff like balance, position, and size of confined spaces. Heck, I wouldn’t try to yank out a cat’s whisker, and I’m way bigger than three inches tall.

And yet, we see Brave Frog struggling and straining as he yanks at the whisker, and it’s only AFTER he finally pulls it out that the cat wakes up (most cats would be awake by the first time Brave Frog so much as TOUCHED the whisker). It seems that our Suicidally Idiotic… I mean, Brave Frog is doomed. But then, in a really, really, really, really, REALLY amazing coincidence, a dog that’s just as badly drawn as the cat happens by, and the two run off, leaving a dazed Brave Frog still clutching the whisker. But despite this… uh… heroic deed, Lefty and Moe deride him, claiming that the dog was the one who tore the whisker off. And off they go, cackling into the night. Brave Frog despairs, and goes off for another flute serenade (that song NEVER gets old!) and another sob session with Pookie. I’m sad too. Because I realized we’re just now hitting the halfway point.

So then we segue to Lefty and Moe picking on the Brave Frog again (who really isn’t coming across as all that brave, if you ask me), but this time they come across another character, another thread in this travesty, I mean crapestry… uh, tapestry, that is. A massive (and I mean HUGE) frog named, imaginatively, Goliath. Lefty and Moe get the crap outta Dodge at the sight of the huge frog, and Brave Frog and Goliath become fast friends. Goliath says he believes it’s the duty of the strong to protect the weak. Brave Frog is utterly enamoured of the strength and nobility of the ponderous amphibian, and starts dropping hints that he’d like Goliath as an "honourary father". Nice kid, eh? I could almost see this if the kid’s father was dead, but having him say this when his father is alive and well doesn’t exactly imbue us with empathy for our protagonist. Especially since Brave Frog is more or less just as wimpy as his old man.

Anyway, all this comes to a head when we see Zari making his rounds, this time preparing to murder an elderly snail for refusing to be evicted from his shell (?!). Who wrote this crap, anyway? The snail, by the by, sounds like a 30-year-old woman trying to sound like an 80-year-old man. And not very convincingly, at that. Now, Brave Frog witnesses this scene, and wouldn’t you know that Papa Frog happens by. Of course, he hems and haws about minding his own business and makes a run for it. Oh, the shame of the father. Then Goliath shows up and beats the snot out of Zari and drives him away in a very ineptly-realized fight scene. It’s pretty obvious who we’re supposed to take sides with here, but the whole situation is so ridiculously contrived (not to mention trying to make this into some deranged version of the Parable of the Good Samaritan), I ain’t buying it for a second. Oh, and a minor note; the grateful snail says, "May the Great Frog in Heaven bless you over and over." I’m not even touching that one.

That night, dinnertime is tense at Casa Brave Frog. Finally our hero mouths off to his father, asking why they aren’t eating snail soup, as "if it were up to Dad, that’s what we’d be having!" Papa Frog does what any sensible parent would do, and… no, wait. He does what any character in this movie would do, and smacks his son over the head, dithering about responsibility to family and the importance of discretion. Actually, I find that funny, as the kid is about the only person in Rainbow Pond Papa Frog could hit without getting his butt handed to him on a silver tray. Brave Frog flees to go crying to Goliath to make it all better, but remember; this is The Brave Frog we’re watching. Sure enough, he finds a badly- wounded Goliath breathing his last. Zari returned to finish the job (actually, there are no visible cuts, wounds or bruises on Goliath at all; I guess Zari also knows the Vulcan Death Grip). So, we get another excruciating boo-hoo scene as Goliath speaks softly to his young charge "Help the weak, and…" before suddenly keeling over mid-sentence. It’d be hilarious, but any sense of humour in your body is squelched by the dubiously-titled Brave Frog wailing his grief in the most drawn out way possible. "Goliiii-aaaaaath! Waaaaaaah!" Plinking piano music stirs (well, staggers) on the soundtrack. Oh, the pathos. The humanity of it all! But maybe I’m not the guy to be subjected to this; I did chortle at the end of Titanic, after all.

And this is supplemented by a scene a few minutes later when Brave Frog sneaks out of the house at night to bawl some more at Goliath’s gravesite (who buried him, exactly? He had no family that we saw, and I doubt the Frog King has a funeral plan for the subjects he has executed). His parents find him and try to comfort him, but it’s little use. After all, how can a mere mother and father compare to a big guy who beats up bullies? I mean, really. But I do like Papa Frog’s brilliant detective work in this scene. "Gosh, look at that pile of stones… that just might be Goliath’s grave!"

So then there’s more incessant flute playing, more of Pookie prancing around and whining to Brave Frog to do something about this (dude, you’re a princess. I’d think you’re in better position to help than some poor green trash), and of course, more "Ribbit to the Limit" poetry.

Finally, as if this movie couldn’t get any worse, it crescendos in one of the most insulting sequences I’ve ever seen. Read this and ask yourself who the heck would write something like this, and who they thought would be entertained by it. This sequence has gained infamy in my household as the Mother Turtle Incident.

Yep, Zari, lovable scamp, is now threatening the life of a friendly, matronly turtle. I forget why, exactly; maybe she wasn’t paying tribute to the King Frog or something. I guess it doesn’t really matter; nobody has any real motivation for anything in this movie anyway. So, Zari lets her live, but smashes all of her eggs; we get a nice loving pan of the destroyed nest, littered with cracked and shattered eggshells. Fun for the whole family.

Brave Frog and Pookie happen across the weeping Mother Turtle, and are expectedly horrified and disgusted at the sight. However, Brave Frog finds a round white thing in some nearby tall grass; must have been an egg that rolled out of sight! Mother Turtle is delighted, and we see her staying up late, wondering what to name the child, etc. This is just plain sadistic on behalf of the writers; we KNOW that this isn’t going to end happily, so stop playing these sick mind games and let’s get on with it. Sure enough, eventually word spreads of Mother Turtle’s last egg, and the Frog King commands Zari to take it to him so he can dine on it. Mother Turtle naturally objects to this, and so Zari hacks her to death in cold blood. Oh, what a joyous cartoon this is! It’s like the laughter and delight never ends!

Brave Frog and Pookie reach the scene just in time for Mother Turtle to plead with them to protect her egg before she dies. Zari makes to steal the egg, but suddenly a big purple (???) serpent bursts out of the ground; he wants turtle egg for breakfast too, and Zari backs off. My, this egg is awfully popular. Brave Frog and Pookie grab the egg and flee to a nearby mole hole or some darn thing like that, which for the purposes of the plot the snake has trouble getting in himself, despite the fact that he just tunneled out of the ground. Oh, and I love the animation of the snake’s face: a forked tongue slips between his lips, of course, but even when this tongue is sticking out, we can see a human-like tongue in the snake’s mouth! You know you’re in good hands when the animators end up giving a character two separate tongues in the same frame without noticing it.

But alas, the snake eats the egg. That’s entertainment! The snake tries to eat the two young frogs, but they kick dirt in his face, causing him to back off with one of my favourite lines in the movie: "Ungrateful brats!" Why the frogs were supposed to be grateful that the snake was trying to eat them is anybody’s guess. Just close your eyes and remind yourself; these people were stoned, these people were stoned.

However, the snake has only slithered a few feet before it ralphs up the egg again. If this doesn’t strike you across the face as an obvious clue, well, you’re at least on the same mental level as the animators. Brave Frog and Pookie try to get the egg, but now Lefty and Moe swipe it and return it to the King. Brave Frog and Pookie follow and plead on behalf of the egg, but no; the King is determined to eat the unborn child of one of his dead suspects. He gets Zari to crack the egg, which we are treated to in slow motion.

But what’s this? The egg does not crack! It just gets dented. So, the King gets a doctor (???) a daffy old whooping crane or somesuch, to examine the egg. The doctor takes one look at the egg and starts laughing merrily. Why, this was no egg at all, he reports between his hysterical guffaws. It was just a ping pong ball! Yes – and they even get Brave Frog to vocalize this for the benefit of the slow viewers – Mother Turtle died protecting a ping pong ball.

Do you feel like killing the people responsible for this now? Good. You can join me. I’ve got an extra paring knife in the back.

Although I guess this means that Mother Turtle was pretty idiotic herself, if she couldn’t even tell the difference between her own egg and a piece of plastic. It’s like a woman who thinks she’s pregnant for four months, then suddenly realizes that she’s had a heating pad under her shirt all this time.

Anyhoo, Brave Frog is now crushed, and so am I because this bloody thing still isn’t over. Pookie gives him some protracted motivational speech (I don’t really recall this part), and suddenly the Brave Frog finally feels brave! "I could be the biggest frog in Rainbow Pond!" he announces, and then we get a 10- minute drug trip sequence. No, really. The Brave Frog imagines himself swimming through a sea of transparent square tiles, distorted rainbow patterns, soft-focus bubble effects, etc. I don’t know what this has to do with self-esteem, but God forbid this story ends any earlier than it absolutely has to.

Finally, the reefer madness ends, and the Frog King steps forward out of nowhere. And he basically admits that he’s been a very bad boy, he’s sorry, and he won’t do it again. He hugs his daughter and they start bawling. No, I’m not making this up. I guess they semi-sobered up and realized "Oh crap! The movie’s over and absolutely nothing’s been resolved!", because there is absolutely no reason for the Frog King to suddenly do a 180 and become a nice guy. And we never see Zari again after this. What’s he gonna do now when the King isn’t ordering him to murder half the kingdom? Basket-weaving?

"Things are sure looking up for Rainbow Pond!" Brave Frog proclaims, and hops away, merrily la-la-la-ing. Well, he got over all of the murder, prejudice and atrocity pretty darn quickly. That acid trip sure worked wonders for him. And we get the final "Ribbit to the Limit" poem, just to give us a good kick on our way out:

Ribbit, to the limit,

Put your whole heart in it.

Making friends and helping folks,

Having fun and telling jokes.

These are what our lives are for;

That’s it; the end; there ain’t no more.

That last line is little short of absolute gospel. Can I hear a hallelujah?

Oh, and then we get the credits. That bloody flute song plays in the background, and we have stills of Brave Frog and Pookie merrily dancing with Lefty and Moe. Yeah, what’s a little abuse, bigotry and attempted murder between pals, right? But I have to hand it to the makers of this film; they are a lot braver than I am. If I had any part in the making of this abomination, I’d be listed under a pseudonym, lest somebody track me down and burn my house to the ground.

Okay. I swear that I didn’t make any of that up. Any inaccuracies are the result of failing memories (y’all know how good I am at that). There should be meetings where people get together and swap post-Brave Frog survivor stories. ("Hello, my name is Giordano, and I watched the Brave Frog.")

Now, some of you might be tempted to actually watch this piece of crap, just to see for yourself how bad it truly is. You can often find a copy for cheap on one of those online swap & shops, if that’s your style (people are very willing to ditch their copy as soon as possible). That’s probably the best way to do it. I think that if you go to video stores asking for a copy of this movie, they put your name on some sort of government list. But if you do get a copy and decide to watch, do NOT watch it alone. You will lose your will to live by the first hour; I guarantee it. Instead, watch it with a bunch of good friends, preferably under the influence of caffeine and simple sugars. You will laugh yourselves sick. There’s enough material in this movie for a whole season of Mystery Science Theatre 3000. It will bond you in ways you’ve never bonded before. Who knows? It might even lead to marriage. But if you do get married as a result of a Brave Frog party, you might not want to mention that in your toast.

Anyway, to close, I’ll paraphrase a much more entertaining frog: it’s not easy being green, but it’s a heck of a lot easier than watching this movie. MY 5 FAVOURITE MOVIES YOU’VE NEVER SEEN

Yes indeed! Here’s a quick little article for you to amuse yourselves with.

I’ve seen plenty of movies in my day, and I’ve compiled a list of my 5 favourite movies that few people have heard of and even fewer people have seen. These aren’t my all-time favourite movies, of course, but listing my favourite movies that are well-known would take up way too much room. So, I’ll settle for these movies that got relatively low theatre play and video hype, that you may be hearing about for the first time. Of course, if you’re a fan of these movies yourself, go you!

So, here are some obscure gems for you to check out next time you go to the video store (or DVD store, if that’s the way you swing):

5) HAUNTED HONEYMOON Okay. I know this movie is crap. But it's fun crap. Gene Wilder stars as Larry, a rich young socialite in the 19th century who must dodge assassination attempts from both his arrogant cousin and a mysterious werewolf. Would you like this movie? Let me give you a test. Does the idea of Dom DeLuise in drag as "Aunt Rita" make you grin? Or how about Larry and his butler Fester trying to throw off murder suspicions by having a party, with Larry dancing with the corpse of a 200-pound woman, as Fester plays the accordion and moves a corpse so it appears to be drinking from a flask? Does that sound dumb? Then don't watch it. You'll hate it. The rest of us wil lhave a good laugh.

4) THE LEGEND OF 1900

Normally, I despise independent film, but wow… this piece is incredible. It tells the story of a man who was born and orphaned on an ocean liner (he is named “1900”, because that is the year he was born), and makes his living with his superb piano playing. We see him blow away “the man who invented jazz” in a piano duel, ride the piano across the ballroom during a stormy, wave-tossed night, and entrance a cynical trumpet player (our narrator) with his natural warmth and goodness.

But it’s a very sad story… 1900 falls in love with a girl literally at first sight (and improvises a song that expresses his feelings without even missing a beat), but cannot bring himself to pursue her because he has never stepped foot off the ship in his life. He later explains to his friend that he is afraid of all the choices out in the world, so bound he is to the ship. "When I sit at the piano," he explains, "there are 88 keys. I know each key by heart and know exactly what each can do. But off this boat there are thousands and thousands of keys, all unfamiliar to me. That's God's keyboard, not mine."

Sadly, 1900's dependence on his ship leads to his death, as he refuses to leave it even when, after World War II, it is scheduled to be destroyed. Instead he hides in the belowdecks and plays his final song - he doesn't even need a piano, as he can hear each note perfectly in his head. He plays the final note just before the ship explodes, ending his career forever. The trumpet player is crushed, and so are we. So are we.

3) JUST VISITING

Yes, this movie is French. What's it to you? This is a remake of the French comedy Les Visiteurs, with Jean Reno and Christian Clavier reprising their roles as a medieval knight and his page who attempt to magically travel back in time to keep themselves from accidentally killing the Princess (long story), but travel instead to modern times. Chaos ensues.

You know, they do stuff like kill a Corvette with their swords, roast a chicken over a fireplace on an umbrella, empty a massive bottle of perfume into a Jacuzzi so they can bathe fully-clothed ("That bath you just took cost $2000!" "I will repay you. You may have one of my swine."), and mix magic potions in a Cuisinart. It's dumb fun - that scene where the page eats a urinal soap cake would be disgusting if it weren't so hilarious. ("It smells like ze forest! Zis magical waterfall is like nothing I have seen before!")

2) THE IMPOSTORS

Oh, yeah baby! When you get Oliver Platt and Stanley Tucci in the same movie, it's gotta be good! Unless the movie is Beethoven, of course, but that's beside the point. These two star as Maurice and Arthur, two down-on-their-luck actors in the 1920s who are out of work and out of money, and rely on their acting skills to con their way into free meals. After catching a performance by Shakespearian hack Johnny Burtom and publicly insulting him, they end up fleeing for their lives and end up on a cruise ship. Uh oh! Burtom's on the ship too! And so are a beautiful and sympathetic co-ordinator, a nervous security officer, a Nazi steward, a downright terrifying Scottish tennis star, a suicidal entertainer (ironically named Happy Franks), a weird shiek, a first mate who is really a mad bomber, and even more. Lots of screwball comedy, nutty dialogue and excellent music. Definitely not for the little kids (especially Billy Connelly's character), but one heck of a hilarious movie! Best scene: the bakery shop scam early in the film where a con ends up going wrong, and the baker ends up angry at the wrong guy (I can't explain it - you'll have to see it yourself). Oh, and Woody Allen makes a cameo. Score!

1) THE GODS MUST BE CRAZY

Oh yeah. The story of an African Bushman who goes on a quest to destroy an evil thing (a Coke bottle) that was dropped in his village by the gods (an airplane). On his travels he encounters a schoolteacher from America and her bumbling escort and his broken-down jeep, as well as a group of militant terrorists. The dubbing is hideous, the film looks like it was shot on 33mm, the stunts are all very real (that one terrorist who falls off the jeep looks like he was sore for a while) and the music sounds like outtakes from the Muppet Movie (especially when they use Benny Hill-like fast motion), but it's still loads of fun. One of the most hilarious movies I've ever seen in my whole life. That jeep (nicknamed "the AntiChrist") could have its own movie! A riot from beginning to end. Plus, the Bushmen in the movie are all real, and they'd never seen "civilized men" before. That's really cool. N! Xau, the main character, did a good acting job for a guy who didn't really understand what was going on most of the time. Oh, and they also have lots of that Bushman clicking language.

Well, there you have it. Just be glad I didn't list the WORST movies I've ever seen. We'd be here all night!

TOP TEN REASONS WHY REVENGE OF THE SITH ROCKS

Okay. At long last the sixth and final Star Wars film is complete. And compared to the ho-hum Phantom Menace and the shambles that was Attack of the Clones, Revenge of the Sith is the bomb! Wanna know why? Let an old fan give his two cents.

WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS

10) HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN GETS THE "MOST IMPROVED" AWARD

Okay, he wasn't perfect, I'll grant you. But considering the train wreck Anakin's role was in the first two prequels, this was a much- needed improvement. Anakin's still a bit rusty in the early scenes, but as he descends into darkness, he finally comes into his own. I don't think Hayden deserved all the flak he got for his performance in Episode II (some, but not all), but by the end I was surprised to find myself liking him. For me, that's a big thing.

9) GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT!

Forget the political debates, the awkward romantic dialogue, the wacky comic relief characters that plagued the first two prequels. Sure, aspects of them are still there, but they're mere blips in the background with the remarkable galactic drama in the foreground. The opening scene crescendoes immediately into an insane space battle, and doesn't let up with all the sneaking around, firefights, saber duels and close shaves we've come to love. THIS is Star Wars. The stilted posturing of Episode I and the excruciating puns of Episode II are pushed out of the picture - less talk, more action. And best of all, the special effects are now backup for the main action rather than BEING the main action. When Anakin and Obi- Wan are duelling on a catwalk over a roiling sea of molten lava, the last thing we're thinking about is green screens and digital compositing. We feel like we're physically there. And congrats on finally giving the prequels a CGI character that is lovable and personable - Boga, the whooping dragon. His role as Obi-Wan's loyal mount is relatively brief, but he has way more personality than half the cast of the prequels put together. And finally, the lightsaber duels MEAN something again. The duels in the original trilogy were all intensely personal, but since the prequels have hundreds and hundreds of Jedi, all that duelling wore very thin. Anakin vs. Obi-Wan gives us that personal edge again, and even though we know the outcome of the battle we're still riveted.

8) HOW IT RESONATES

Bridging the gap between the old trilogy and the new one must have been exhausting, but for the most part it's done extremely well. We now see how the Republic became the evil Empire, how an innocent boy became a mechanical tyrant, and how the other characters got where they were when we see them in the original movies. We now know how Yoda went from a powerful, respected Jedi Master to a slightly loopy but still wise and powerful hermit, and his sadness is very real indeed. ("Into exile I must go. Failed, I have.") Obi-Wan clearly has scars of his own as sees his friends and teachers slaughtered, is forced to dismember Anakin, and is present as Padme's life ends and Luke and Leia's begin. I contend that Ewan MacGregor is the best actor in the prequels, bar none. Some of his dialogue at the climax would have swamped lesser actors, but he genuinely makes you feel Obi-Wan's pain, torment and sadness. Those of you who have seen the movie know which lines I'm talking about. Anakin's fall and the death of the Jedi were related to us second-hand in the originals... in this movie we see them, and they actually HURT. There's a lot of stuff in the original trilogy involving Luke, Leia, Vader, Yoda, Obi- Wan and Palpatine that just means so much more now with our new perspectives, rather than being cheaper, as an inept Episode III would have made them. And of course, there's all the little stuff, like the droids ending up back on the still-shiny Tantive IV with the ill-fated Capt. Antilles, and a young Grand Moff Tarkin (okay, Governor Tarkin) overseeing the construction of the Death Star with Palpatine and Vader, that just add one more thrill. I know I enjoyed it.

7) WOOKIEES, WOOKIEES, WOOKIEES!

It took 22 years, but the army of Wookiee warriors originally planned for Return of the Jedi (until they got bumped out by Ewoks) finally shows up. The Wooks are back and rocking the joint! One Wookiee in battle is impressive enough, but a whole army of them roaring is enought to get the old blood pumping. And of course, one of these Wookiees is the one and only Chewbacca, a nice little cameo that I immensely enjoyed. The little fanboy inside me was doing cartwheels when Chewie slings Yoda over his shoulder and gives him a piggyback Simple article this time. I list 100 of my favourite songs. It doesn't get much more complicated than that.

To make it so I even had a prayer of compiling this list, I omitted instrumentals, classical compositions, songs created for movie, musical and video game soundtracks, traditional songs, hymns, jingles and other stuff you wouldn't find on most CDs. I guess this means the list is of my top 100 POPULAR songs, and since my memory is colossally bad, I'm sure I left out even a couple of those. Nonetheless, here's the list, in alphabetical order. If you have the same tastes in music as I do, shaaaaaaaaaaaaame on you.

"A Good Heart" by Feargal Sharkey "Ain't Too Proud to Beg" by the Temptations "All I Want" by the Offspring "American Rock 'n Roll" by the Righteous Brothers "Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen "Back In Black" by AC/DC "Beat It" by Michael Jackson "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson "Black or White" by Michael Jackson "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen "California Dreamin'" by whoever "Cheater" by Michael Jackson "Crocodile Rock" by Elton John "Dancing in the Streets" by David Bowie & Mick Jagger "Dr. Feelgood" by Motley Crue "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" by Michael Jackson "Dude Looks Like a Lady" by Aerosmith "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor "Falling For the First Time" by the Barenaked Ladies "Fire and Rain" by James Taylor "For Those About to Rock" by AC/DC "Get in Line" by the Barenaked Ladies "Get Ready For This" by 2 Unlimited "Ghost Riders in the Sky" by Johnny Cash "Ghostbusters" by Ray Parker Jr. "Gimme Some Lovin'" by the Spenser Davis Group "Good Vibrations" by the Beach Boys "Hey Jude" by the Beatles "Hooked on a Feeling" by Blue Swede "House of the Rising Sun" by Led Zeppelin "Hungry Like the Wolf" by Duran Duran "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" by the Darkness "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones "I Can't Stop Loving You" by Phil Collins "I Heard it Through the Grapevine" by the Temptations "I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight" by the Cutting Crew "I Put a Spell on You" by Screamin' Jay Hawkins "I Wanna Be Sedated" by the Ramones "I Would Do Anything For Love" by Meat Loaf "I'll Be There" by the Jackson 5 "I'm a Believer" by whoever "I'm Gonna Be 500 Miles" by the Proclaimers "I'm Into Something Good" by Herman's Hermits "In the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins "It's the End of the World as We Know It" by REM "Jump" by Van Halen "Let it Be" by the Beatles "Lightning Strikes" by Lou Christie "Live and Let Die" by Paul McCartney & the Wings "Living on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi "Love Shack" by the B-52s "Lovers in a Dangerous Time" by the Barenaked Ladies "Man in the Mirror" by Michael Jackson "Maybe Katie" by the Barenaked Ladies "Million Miles Away" by the Offspring "Mony Mony" by Billy Idol "Mr. Roboto" by Styx "Mr. Tambourine Man" by the Byrds "Old Time Rock 'n Roll" by Bob Segar "One Week" by the Barenaked Ladies "Peggy Sue" by Buddy Holly "Pretty Fly for a White Guy" by the Offspring "Raise Your Hands" by Bon Jovi "Rasputin" by Boney M "Rocket Man" by Elton John "Runaway" by Bon Jovi "Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats "Smooth Criminal" by Michael Jackson "Somebody Told Me" by the Killers "Somebody's Watching Me" by Rockwell "Space Oddity" by David Bowie "Spaceship Superstar" by Prism "State of Shock" by Mick Jagger & Michael Jackson "Summer of '69" by Bryan Adams "Surfin' Bird" by the Trashmen "Takin' Care of Business" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive "The Boys in the Bright White Sports Car" by Trooper "The Little Old Lady from Pasadena" by Jan & Dean "Thunderstruck" by AC/DC "Time is on My Side" by the Rolling Stones "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers "Under Pressure" by David Bowie & Freddie Mercury "Upside Down" by the Barenaked Ladies "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'" by Michael Jackson "We are the Champions" by Queen "We Built This City on Rock and Roll" by Starship Jefferson "We Will Rock You" by Queen "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns 'n Roses "What is Love?" by Haddaway "When Doves Cry" by Prince "When the Morning Comes" by Smash Mouth "White Wedding" by Billy Idol "Windy" by the Association "Yesterday" by the Beatles "You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive "You Give Love a Bad Name" by Bon Jovi "You Spin Me Around" by Dead or Alive "You've Lost that Lovin' Feeling" by the Righteous Brothers