WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE
4 women/4 men (or 5 men/3 women)
Setting: Wild West saloon. Bar, two bar stools, table with chairs etc. Sitting around table in freeze frame are Dusty Bottoms, Judge N. Jury, & Sheriff Shakey Shooter. Polishing glasses behind the bar is Bawdy Joint. Fleu Zee is sitting at bar on a stool. Indian stands stage left the whole time; looking straight ahead, arms folded with no expression. Until early in the third act, every time “Black Burt” is mentioned, all put a hand to their mouth and moan.
Dusty Bottoms: Cowpoke. A little un-educated. Lady’s man. (Wears dirty chaps, hat, duster )
Judge N. Jury: Local judge. Well educated, drinks a lot. Dapper appearance. (Bowler hat, string tie, vest.)
Fleu Zee: Dance hall girl. Flirtatious; a combo of insecure at times and self-important at times. (Wears dance hall dress, mesh stockings, ankle boots, boa etc.)
Bawdy Joint: Saloon owner. Has a speech impediment the first act. Street smart, down to business. (Wears dance hall dress, mesh stockings, ankle boots, headpiece, maybe a revolver)
Sheriff Shakey Shooter: Local constable--- Barney Fife type. Very self-important and blustering one minute; crying and a wimp the next. (Wears oversized hat, chaps, vest, holster)
Ima Hussie: School marm --voice like witch in OZ until Act 3 then a total sweetheart. Act one very prim and stuffy. (Black skirt, jacket, hat, parasol and traveling bag. Third act can change or just get rid of hat and bag and maybe put a flower in her hair.)
Indian: Indian (you expected something else?) cigar store Indian type. Stands still slightly off stage the whole time with arms folded, looking straight ahead. (Typical Indian garb; wig)
Doc Feelsgood: Can be male or female. Almost has a dual personality as Doctor and Preacher; can use two slightly different voices. (Typical western garb with a medical bag/book when docterin’ and an old Bible when preachin’.)
Adoro (played by Dusty Bottoms): Dressed as Zorro singing the Zorro theme song with it changed to “Adoro”. (Wears black mask, cape, hat and facial hair. Accompanies himself with castanet’s.)
pg. 1 One Hung Lo (played by Ima who is not in act 2 OR by another actress): Chinese laundry woman who is a singing contestant. Shows face as little as possible using a fan. (Wears oriental clothing, wig, coolie hat. Walks slightly bent in a shuffle; carries a laundry basket.)
Texas Holdem: Contestant singing “The Gambler” very badly with even worse guitar strumming. (can be played by the Indian or another actor) (Southern drawl, typical cowboy type clothes and hat)
In the program: It is important not to list the cast members playing the singing contestants because we do not want the audience to know Dusty is Adoro (because he IS the bad guy) or (if playing dual roles) that One and Tex are characters that have already appeared(it may throw the audience off)
Definition of Road Apple (for you city folk who don’t know): Horse poo
pg. 2 ACT ONE
Dusty, Judge, Fleu Zee, Sheriff, and Bawdy on stage"frozen"
INDIAN: “How. (raises hand in greeting) Me here to tell story of adventure in Our Town. All began in Golddigger Saloon. (spotlight on characters as Indian talks about them)
Big meeting for small town. Dusty Bottoms rover drover; brings all the cows over. Out of town a lot driving herds. Smells like cow and is lousy harmonica player.
Judge N. Jury at table too. Only bar he ever passed was a closed one. He think too little and talk too much.
By him, Fleu Zee. White man call her dance hall girl. Me call her over padded, over rated and over the hill.
Sheriff Shakey Shooter…me thinks wears sissy pants and would use pocket protector if they’d been invented earlier. Lilly livered, lazy and loony all words that come to mind.
Bawdy Joint owner of Golddigger. Her nickname Lucky. Cured of deafness at age 3 by a rattlesnake bite but got eyes crossed when run over by a stampeding buffalo. Fell down a well, eyes uncrossed! Got mange, but traveling salesman cured that with a tonic. Talk funny ever since she drank it. Anyway, now to story……..
SHERIFF (starts out sitting with his back to the audience and 10 gal. hat down over eyes. He stands up quickly and turns): "I'm blind!!"
FLUE ZEE (walks over and adjust his hat and stuffs her boa partially inside it): "Your hat just slipped again, silly."
SHERIFF: "That's better...thank you."
IMA: (rushing in from off stage)” I’m not late am I? Well, it wouldn’t be MY fault if I was. That stupid stagecoach line should be sued. We were robbed TWICE! The first time the robbers took my purse and the second time all I had left to give was my virtue….or was it the other way around…anyway I’m here now.”
JUDGE: “Who ARE you and why are you here?”
pg. 3 IMA: ”I’m the new school marm although I don’t know why anyone would hire me….I dislike children. Can’t stand their runny little noses and whiney voices and all the time wanting to go to the outhouse. AND those dirty feet…….doesn’t ANYONE wear shoes during the week? I know back when I was a girl…”
BAWDY : (interrupts) “I didn’t know we had hired a new school marm. What happened to the old one?”
FLEU ZEE: “She ran off with that snake oil salesman remember? He promised her a life of luxury as his ‘before and after’ model.”
JUDGE: “Before and after?”
BAWDY(with lisp): “Catch her in the morning and she had whiskers as long as my cat’s. He’d put her on the stage, she’d drink some of his cure all, sneak out and shave then re- appear all smooth and baby-faced. Just as well she left town. She was scarin’ the young ones at school with all that hair. Well, at least three of ‘em that is.”
IMA: “How many children attend your school?”
FLEU ZEE(walks toward Ima: “Used to have three but one third grader quit to get a full time job cleaning stables at the livery.”
IMA: “A youngster leaving school to work! Why back in my day we’d put in three hours in the dark workin’ on the farm, walk ten miles to school, be there for six hours, walk eleven miles back home, and still have four hours of chores before suppertime. But working full time…that’s shameful.”
BAWDY: “Not really. He’s twenty-seven. About time he helped out his ma and pa. But we still have two youngun’s left for you.”
IMA: “Only two? Well, how bad can that be?”
FLEU ZEE: “They’re the Trouble Twins. (everyone looks at each other with terror) Yup….Terrible Trouble and his sister, Toomuch Trouble. They like to torch things, torment things, touch things, throw things, tickle things, turn on things, tromp things, trap things. tangle things, twist things….”
SHERIFF: “Even I’m scared of ‘em and I carry a gun!”
DUSTY: “Yeah, but it ain’t loaded. (looks over at Judge) He's loaded more often than IT is.”
pg. 4 JUDGE: “Oh, I remember that run in you had with the twins when they tied you to the flagpole and set fire to your boots while having their pet rooster poop on your head.”
BAWDY (comes out from behind the bar): “That was a GREAT day! (everyone looks questioningly at her) Big business! Practically the whole town came in, bought a drink, and then took it outside to watch the action. Yup, a great day!”
SHERIFF: “And do you think even ONE concerned citizen could’ve used their drink to put out my boot fire? Oh no…they were too busy pointing and snickering…”
DUSTY: “And bettin’ on which eyebrow the rooster poop would cover first! Anyway, I thought the boy’s dog GoGo would put the fire out……..he was named that ‘cause he’s always liftin’ his leg….. and he sure was a tryin’ that day to break a new record. Poor dog got so close I think he got singed. He sure was walking purty funny for a few days.”
SHERIFF: “So was I and I don’t hear any sympathy for ME around here!”
BAWDY: “Yup. Great day. Anyway, Miss new school teacher, I think you’ll earn your money. What’s your name, by the way?” (holds out hand to shake. Ima ignores it)
IMA: “Ima. Ima Hussie.”
SHERIFF: “I thought you were a school marm.”
IMA: “I am.”
SHERIFF: “You said you are a hussy.”
IMA(indignant, hand on hip) : “I am. Us Hussies go way back.”
JUDGE (stands: “Are you a marm or a hussy?”
IMA: “Yes, that’s right.”
SHERIFF (jumps up out of chair): “Yes WHAT’S right???”
FLEU ZEE: “It doesn’t matter! (leans over with stage whisper to Sheriff Shooter) She won’t be around long enough to worry about it….remember the Terrible Twins. (turns to her) Welcome, Dear Whatever your name is. Let me introduce you to everyone quickly before our town meeting. I’m Fleu Zee, extraordinarily talented singer, dancer…” (starts toward Ima)
pg. 5 JUDGE: “Ahhh, you’re flat.”
FLEU ZEE: “Are you BLIND?? I mean REALLY!” (looks down)
JUDGE: “ Not there…when you sing. It’s like a rusty windmill turning around and around and around……”
BAWDY: “And you really can’t dance all that well…..you keep falling off the stage onto the tables” (goes back to bar)
FLEU ZEE: “Well, I do THAT on purpose. The cowpokes seem to tip better if my petticoats are up over my head”
JUDGE: “Anyway, young lady (walks toward her; looks closer) ‘er lady… I’m Judy N. Jury. I travel the circuit circuit.”
IMA: “What?”
JUDGE: “I travel the circuit (riding motion) for the circuit.” (hand on bible motion)
IMA: “What?”
JUDGE (exasperated): “I ride around the territory sentencing cow thieves to hanging from tree limbs. Except here of course, because there ARE no cows left because of the Terrible Twins and there ARE no trees left because of the Terrible Twins. But I DO have some VERY important trials coming up at that town where everybody seems to have strange names.”
SHERIFF: “Immigrantville?”
JUDGE: “That’s the one.”
SHERIFF: “Well, can you tell me the names of the trial participants?”
JUDGE: “Well, let’s see, we have Who’s on trial, What’s the defense counsel, I Don’t Know is the prosecutor…”
SHERIFF: “That’s what I want to find out.”
JUDGE: “I say Who’s on trial, What’s the defense counsel, I Don’t Know is the prosecutor.”
pg. 6 SHERIFF: “Do you know the participant’s names?”
JUDGE: “Well, I should.”
SHERIFF: “Well then, who’s on trial?”
JUDGE: “Yes.”
SHERIFF: “I mean the fellow’s name.”
JUDGE: “Who.”
SHERIFF: “The guy on trial.”
JUDGE: “Who.”
SHERIFF: “The defendant.”
JUDGE: “Who.”
SHERIFF: “The guy standing…”
JUDGE: “Who IS on trial!”
SHERIFF: “What are you asking me for?”
JUDGE: “That’s the man’s name.”
SHERIFF: “Look, you gotta defendant?”
JUDGE: “Certainly.”
SHERIFF: “Who’s on trial?”
JUDGE: “ That’s right.”
SHERIFF: “If the defendant has to pay a fine, who pays the money?”
JUDGE: “He does. Every dollar of it! Maybe his wife will come down and pay it.”
SHERIFF: “Whose wife?”
pg. 7 JUDGE: “Yes…What’s wrong with that?”
SHERIFF: “Look, all I wanna know is when the defendant swears the oath, how does he state his name?”
JUDGE: “Who.”
SHERIFF: “All I’m trying to find out is what’s the guy’s name on trial.”
JUDGE: “No. What is the defense counsel.”
SHERIFF” “I’m not asking you who’s the defense counsel.”
JUDGE: “Who’s on trial, don’t change the participants around.”
SHERIFF: “I’m not changing nobody!”
JUDGE: “ Take it easy, buddy.”
SHERIFF: “I’m only asking you, who’s the guy on trial?”
JUDGE: “That’s right.”
SHERIFF: “What’s the guy’s name on trial?”
JUDGE: “ No. What is the counsel.”
SHERIFF: “Who’s the counsel?”
JUDGE: “Who’s on trial.”
SHERIFF: “ I don’t know.”
JUDGE: “He’s the prosecutor, we’re not talking about him.”
SHERIFF: “ Now how did I get to the prosecutor?
JUDGE: “ Why, you mentioned his name.”
SHERIFF: “If I mentioned the prosecutor’s name, who did I say is the prosecutor?”
pg. 8 JUDGE: “No. Who’s on trial.”
SHERIFF: “What’s on trial?”
JUDGE: “What’s the counsel.”
SHERIFF: “I don’t know.”
JUDGE: “Prosecutor.”
SHERIFF: “There I go, back on prosecution! Would you just stay on prosecution and don’t go off it.”
JUDGE: “All right, what do you want to know?”
SHERIFF: “Now who’s the prosecutor?”
JUDGE: “Why do you insist on saying Who’s the prosecutor?”
SHERIFF: “What am I saying is the prosecutor.”
JUDGE: “No. What is the counsel.”
SHERIFF: “Who is the counsel?”
JUDGE: “Who is on trial.”
SHERIFF: “I don’t know.”
BOTH: “Prosecutor.”
SHERIFF: “Look, you gotta sheriff?”
JUDGE: “Sure.”
SHERIFF: “The sheriff’s name?”
JUDGE: “Why.”
SHERIFF: “I just thought I’d ask ya.”
JUDGE: “Well, I just thought I’d tell you.”
pg. 9 SHERIFF: “Then tell me what’s the sheriff’s name.”
JUDGE: “What’s the counsel.”
SHERIFF: “I’m not…stay out of the lawers! I want to know who’s the sheriff?”
JUDGE: “Who’s on trial!”
SHERIFF: “I don’t know!”
BOTH: “Prosecutor!”
SHERIFF: “The sheriff’s name?”
JUDGE: “Why.”
SHERIFF: “Because!”
JUDGE: “Oh, he’s the deputy.”
SHERIFF: “You know I’m a sheriff, too.”
JUDGE: “So they tell me.”
SHERIFF: “I get behind the badge to do some fancy sheriffin’ and the defendant breaks the law. When he breaks the law, me, being a good sherrif, I’m gonna throw the guy in jail. So I open the cell and throw in who?”
JUDGE: “Now that’s the first thing you’ve said right.”
SHERIFF: “I don’t even know what I’m talking about!”
JUDGE: “That’s all you have to do.”
SHERIFF: “So, I throw in who. Whoever it is stands trial. Who makes his plea and tells it to What. What tells it to I Don’t Know. I Don’t Know tells it to the judge. The judge gets up and all rise…because. Why? I don’t know! He’s the prosecutor and I don’t give a darn!”
JUDGE: “What?”
pg. 10 SHERIFF: “I said I don’t give a darn!”
JUDGE: “Oh, he’s our bailiff.”
BAWDY (comes from behind the bar holding out a glass of whiskey and pushes them aside): “EXCUSE ME….I’m Bawdy Joint. My nickname is Lucky. I’ve built this place since my last one burned down during the flood of ’97 right after that tornado and dust storm came thru town. That was just before the pestilence of ’98. I named this saloon after my dear departed mother, Goldie Digger. I specialize in cheap whiskey, cheaper ladies, and 5 cent bath tub fees on Saturday night… 10 cents if you want soap. It’s a livin’.” (downs whiskey for herself; takes back Ima’s and downs it too)
DUSTY (coming around from behind the table, taking her hand and kissing it): “And Darlin’ my name is Dusty Bottoms. I’m a lover, I’m a joker, I’m a midnight stoker….(Ima looks at him quizzically) Really…I got a part-time job stoking the wood burner over at the mercantile. I’m mostly a travlin’ man. I mooove cows. Get it? Mooove cows? That’s a real knee slapper!! (slaps his own knee) I’m on the range a lot. Just me and my horse and that big lonely moon. I sure don’t have anything against an older, I mean, seasoned woman.” (starts rubbing her arm etc. She pulls away)
SHERIFF: “EXCUSE me! (pulls Ima toward him) I’m the local constable. It’s my sworn duty to uphold, enforce, prevent, subside, maintain, ah, ah, laws, and, ah, things. Heck with it! Just abide by our rules and I won’t have to rough you up or something. Now let’s get on with what we’re here for!”
(all guys sit. Bawdy is behind the bar; Fleu Zee on a stool and motions Ima to the other)
DUSTY: “I’m a fixin to call this here first meetin’ of the Save Our City committee to order” (slams gavel)
JUDGE (grabs gavel): “Give that back! I object.”
FLEU ZEE: “Object to what? The meeting?”
JUDGE: “No. The name of the town. Our City just seems trite. Couldn’t we re-name it to Cowpatty or Snakebite or something catchy that would get us noticed?”
BAWDY (with heavy spitting lisp): “Our City IS our city NAMED by our city citizens who certainly thought it through thoroughly.”
DUSTY: “Who has business for the committee today?”
pg. 11 SHERIFF: “I do! (jumping up and waving wildly) Pick me! Pick me!”
DUSTY (looking at everyone else; ignoring the Sheriff): “No one? (The Sheriff gets in his face waving) Just joshin’ with ya partner! (slaps Sheriff on the back nearly knocking him over) OK. Yes Sheriff?”
SHERIFF: “Well, I have a report of lewd and lascivious behavior out back RIGHT HERE (swings around and points at Bawdy and Fleu) at the Goldigger.”
FLEU ZEE: “Hmmm, well, I believe that’s part of my job description!”
SHERIFF: “Not you…the cowpokes that come in for baths. Old Mrs. Wilkenson says it’s shameful how they run around out there naked.”
BAWDY: “How are they going to take a bath without being naked?”
SHERIFF (whiney voice: “Well, she’s really pestering me about this and I don’t know what to do about it and if she gets any madder she might cut off my supply of homemade apple butter…”
JUDGE: “Couldn’t she just stop looking out her windows on Saturday nights?”
IMA: “Grown men, naked, behind the saloon! What kind of town is this anyway? Uhhh, what time did you say they start coming in?”
BAWDY: “Just tell her from now on they’ll leave something on.”
FLEU ZEE: “But how they gonna….”
BAWDY: “I’ll tell ‘em to leave their hats on!”
DUSTY: “Next order of business.”
JUDGE: “Just a second there Dusty. I’m feeling a bit poorly. (turns to Bawdy) Would you pour me a glass of that snake bite medicine Darlin’?”
DOC: (comes rushing in from off stage and goes to him) “Snakebite? You got snake bit? (throws arms out, yelling) Don’t anyone panic! Everyone stay calm! I know what to do… I’m a doctor! (digs thru bag and brings out a medical book and goes thru it) Ah,ha! (he grabs the Judge’s arms, looks at one, then the other and begins the snakebite suck/spit)
pg. 12 JUDGE: “This is some very weird attention due to the fact that I do NOT have a snake bite! That red mark is a birthmark I’ve had since birth. Unhand me MISTER.”
IMA: Are you a real doctor? You don’t seem like a real doctor. Are you one of those traveling doctors that try to sell miracle cures in a bottle?”
SHERIFF (interrupts): “What are you doing in Our City?”
DOC: “I responded to an ad out East for a Doc in Tickville but when the stage stopped there it was trashed. So I went on to the next stop of Clingon but found it had been wiped clean! Three more stops with the same results. The stagecoach driver said something about a gang led by Black Burt* coming thru the territory. Now I have to go all the way back home without fulfilling my dream of helping to tame the Wild West by saving lives and healing souls…..or was it saving souls and healing bodies……….”
SHERIFF: “Just hang on to your britches there mister.” (those at the table huddle, look up, huddle again)
JUDGE: “Could you please tell us your education and experience?”
DOC: “Well, I got my doctor’s license from the School of Healing and Kneeling. It was a combination medical and ministering school so I also have a license to marry and bury. I couldn’t afford to actually go there so I took correspondence courses by telegraph. The part I missed out on was actually working on people. But I got a lot of practice using my pet cow Elsie.”
DUSTY: “I’ve been havin’ this pain in my stomach…”(stands and puts hand on lower right quadrant)
DOC: “Are you chewing your cud long enough?” (getting out stethoscope)
DUSTY: “My cud?”
DOC: “Maybe one of your udders are plugged. Want me to have a look?”
DUSTY: “NOBODY’S touchin’ my udders!” (backing up)
DOC (leafing thru book): “Oh wait….it might be your pituitary gland. Nope, that’s in your foot. Oh! Oh! I got it! Your appendix….that’s perfect. I could operate.”
DUSTY (backing up further): “No! That’s alright…it feels a lot better all of a sudden. A LOT better.”
pg. 13 SHERIFF: “Well, we never did have a doc and the preacher over at the church of Plight and Doom left town after saying he’d make more money with a flock of sheep than his flock at the church. Didn’t seem to have trouble fillin’ the cemetery but fillin’ the pews was another matter.”
JUDGE: “If you’d like to try taking on both jobs we’d welcome you.”
BAWDY (comes around from behind the bar): “I have a room out back you could use for your doc office and there’s room for a dresser and a cot in the corner. Oh, Saturday nights might be a little loud outside your window…it’s bath night!” (leans on the end of the bar)
DOC: “Oh thank you so much! And I’ll give each and every one of you a free hoof check and a bible as my way of saying thank you!” (heads closer towards all of them)
ALL: “No, no, that’s all right.… Already had one… Already got one… etc.
DUSTY: “Next order of business.”
FLEU ZEE (leaves bar stool and approaches the table waving wildly; Doc takes her stool): “Well, you all put me in charge of raising money for a new flagpole since the other one burnt up so, I came up with a great idea for the First Annual Road Apple Festival! With Bawdy’s help, we planned a bunch of activities. We’ll have a road apple toss, a road apple relay race…”
BAWDY (moving closer to the table): “Road apple dodge ball for the kids. (to Fleu) Make sure we get word out to the people not to wear clean clothes…(looks back at group) also, a road apple scavenger hunt.”
FLEU ZEE: “You know……the one with the most grain in it, the most grass in it, the oldest looking one, the newest smelling one.”
BAWDY (moving even closer to the table): “And a road apple obstacle course using a pen with live mustangs! And we’ve been working on some entertainment too.”
Sing cow patty (girls head back to the bar; Bawdy behind, FZ leaning on the end, Doc and Ima on stools)
DUSTY: “That’s wonderful girls. This festival is sure to get Our City noticed!”
pg. 14 SHERIFF: “The festival isn’t as important as the issue at hand. We HAVE been noticed but by the wrong people. We need to save Our City from the mean and cruel Black Burt* (everyone freezes, puts their hand to their mouth and moans in distress every time his name is mentioned *). Word has it, Burt and his mean, cruel, and nasty compadres are heading this way.”
DUSTY: “Yup…when I last took a herd south I was in towns that’s been burnt and shot up by Black Burt * and his buddies. It weren’t purty. They destroyed Dustbowl. They pounded Purgatory. They trashed Tickville. They fried Forgotten. They…”
JUDGE: “We get the picture. Why would he pick our town to pick on for pity sake?”
BAWDY: “Certainly this fine establishment would be a point of interest for anyone in the vicinity. Fine food and drink, women of ill repute…..what more could a blood thirsty or just plain thirsty, band of hoodlums want?”
FLEU ZEE: “Actually, it’s more like warm beer and stale peanuts. But, yes, us girls ARE very appealing.”
INDIAN (under breath): “If light dim enough.”
DUSTY: “Sheriff, it’s YOUR job to protect us from Black Burt.* What are you gonna do?”
SHERIFF: “Resign.”
JUDGE (stands abruptly): “You can’t. We already paid you your $5 for this month and I personally know you lost it last night in a poker game.” (Flips gold coin)
SHERIFF (in a whiney tone with forlorn background music): “Well I can’t do it alone. My family was too poor to send me to sheriff school. (starts crying and one by one they hand him hankies, blows nose loudly and gives them back to much disgust) We couldn’t afford food in cans so I only got shooting practice when vultures circled Ma’s cooking pot …..or Pa as he napped in the middle of our plighted field. (peeks to see if he’s getting any sympathy) And that was only with a squirt gun full of rusty water…….The only horse I ever had to ride was 58 years old with bad ankles and a back that swayed so much her shoulders hit my ears. I can’t rope, I need spectacles, and our one jail cell doesn’t have a lock! I WANT MY MOMMY!” (totally breaks down. Fleu and Bawdy comfort him)
INDIAN (under breath): “White man speak with forked tongue. He no need spectacles. I see him watch dance hall girls through bedroom window. He see FINE!”
pg. 15 DUSTY: “Alright, alright. We need to work together on a plan or pack up and leave Our City before Black Burt * and his gang get here.”
IMA: “It sounds to me like they were all mollycoddled as children. Give ‘em an inch, they’ll take a mile. Spoiled rotten, all of them!”
DOC:”Maybe this Black Burt* guy is sick. You know how ill tempered people get when they’re in pain. Or maybe it’s his soul that’s in pain. If only I could reach out to him!”
SHERIFF: “I really think Black Burt * might be a nice guy. He sent me a gift on the pony express. A vest…….wasn’t that SWEET?” (holds a vest up to himself then turns it around to admire it. This turns the back to the audience so they see the bulls eye painted on the back)
JUDGE: “Let’s be analytical about this. (everyone looks questioningly at each other) Let’s THINK about this. Most of us do NOT think he’s sweet. At this point it doesn’t matter if he’s in pain or in bed with the Devil. We can’t overpower him. We need to find his weak point and use it against him. What do we actually KNOW about Black Burt *?”
DUSTY: “I heard he’s one of them there master of disquises. Nobody knows who he is until he’s in the middle of ‘em and starts a ruckus. He’s even been known to dress as a WOMAN for pity sake!”
IMA: “See what I mean….tuck youngun’s in bed, sing to them, pat them on the head and give them affection and they turn out to be no good, worthless, thieving fools!”
FLEU ZEE: “I heard from the stagecoach driver that he thinks he’s got talent. That if he ever decides to give up his life of terror he wants to be a saloon singer.”
INDIAN: “Smoke signal say Black Burt* shoots anybody he thinks better than him…or her…(puts hands in air, shrugs shoulders) Me no know.”
JUDGE: “Ok. Hard to spot, thinks he’s a talented singer, eliminates the competition…..”
SHERIFF: “If we could use those things to lure him into town, we could trap him and turn him over to Marshall Marshall the Territory Marshall.”
FLEU ZEE: “Are you stuttering?”
SHERIFF: “No, the Marshall’s name is Marshall Marshall. (turns to audience) In THESE plays you shouldn’t be surprised at that.”
pg. 16 BAWDY (comes out front: “I certainly think we should do just that. How about if we advertise a job opening for saloon singer. During auditions we could figure out which person is Black Burt * and then we could….we could…….”(they all put on their “thinking” faces)
JUDYGE (stands: “I know! We could tell him he has to sign a contract…….”
SHERIFF (stands): “On the jail cell table……”
DUSTY (stands): “And slam the door…….”
FLEU ZEE (rushes to center stage with arms up in the air): “And push that huge old desk of yours in front of it!” All give each other high fives. Indian sighs and throws hands in air and exits
FLEU ZEE: “What if it’s not some stranger but someone from right here? Judge, I noticed you’re out of town a lot.”
JUDGE: “You’re just saying that because I won’t buy you drinks like all the other men do! It’s my JOB to ride the circuit. Besides, I’ve noticed YOU head out of town quite often too. Anything you’d like to tell us?” (goes toward bar for a drink)
FLEU ZEE: “Well, I have things I need to do…out of town…once a week…Important things. .…Things that will get people to notice me… more than ….they…do… now…”(sort of grasping for words)
SHERIFF: “The wanted poster says he OR SHE rides a pitch black horse with white polka dots.”
FLEU ZEE: “They’re not polka dots! I know because my own horse….”
ALL: “Fits that description!”
SHERIFF: “It also says he OR SHE has matching pearl handles revolvers.” (Judge at the bar makes a big deal out of trying to hide his)
BAWDY: This is silly! We’ve all known each other for years. Of course neither one of you could be Black Burt. (all are eyeing each other anyway) A stranger, however, should bear watching CLOSELY (all stare at Ima). In the meantime, back to our plan. I’ll get the saloon ready for auditions!” exits
pg. 17 FLEU ZEE: “I’ll go warm up the piano player. Uh… the player piano. And I’ll start spreading the word to everyone who comes through town!” exits
DUSTY: “That’s better than what you usually spread to everyone who comes through town.” Exits with her.
SHERIFF: “I’ll clean out the jail cell. (Judge N. Jury looks at him questioningly) Well….I was getting ready for a rummage sale.” exits
JUDGE: ‘And I’ll do what I do best….nothing.” Exits
DOC: “I’ll go set up my doctor office for if things go bad. And I’ll check on hymnals over at the church for if things go REALLY bad.”
IMA (left alone): “What should I do? Anybody? Anybody? Well I guess I’ll just go get unpacked and settle in and get ready to start teaching. Did I just see two toe headed children duck behind that horse trough? Who’s giggling out there? Hey you. Come here! (exits) (from off stage…)No! Don't throw that mud at me! Ugh, you little monsters! I’ll get you my little dearie and your little dog, GoGo, too!”
INDIAN: “White men in heap big buffalo doo doo. Me think we should all eat now before trouble start.”
End of Act ONE
pg. 18 Act Two
Show a sign: One week later Bawdy behind the bar; Doc and Fleu on bar stools. Sheriff, Dusty and Judge seated at the table.
DUSTY: “I’m about to call this here second meeting of the Save Our City Committee to order.” (Judge hauls out gavel and bangs it)
JUDGE: “I object.”
FLEU ZEE: “Put on your big boy pants and get over it.”
JUDGE: “Well, I NEVER!”
FLEU ZEE: “Yeah, probably not…….(goes toward him and rubs his back ) but I’ve got 10:00 Friday night open if you’re interested.”
DUSTY: “Hey, time’s a wastin’. First order of business: congratulations to Bawdy, or should I say LUCKY. As some of you know she was cured from her lisp last Tuesday when she got hit by lightnin’ while stuck in the outhouse.” (all clap; she beams)
Doc (stands; arms in air with eyes closed): “Praise be! Halleluiah! Amen brothers and sisters!”
DUSTY: “Next order of business: How’s the new school marm doing? Is she still alive? Does she still have all her hair? Is the schoolhouse still standing?”
SHERIFF: “She’s a tough old bird…might be exactly what the children around here need. Do you know she actually sent word to the parents not to feed the youngun’s breakfast or send lunch with ‘em? She claims that cuts out the outhouse breaks and leaves more time for reading, writing, and arithmetic.”
DOC (stands and throws hands in the air): “Lord protect us from the.. (looks thru Bible) the ah, um………come back to me later.”(still going thru Bible)
FLEU ZEE: “I think that school marm is the grouchiest person I’ve ever met.”
BAWDY (coming from behind the bar): “That’s starting to change though. I’ve invited her to stop by each morning before school for a bran muffin.”
JUDGE: “What’s that going to do for her except make her a regular in the outhouse….get it REGULAR?” (all moan)
pg. 19 BAWDY: “I’m making her SPECIAL muffins. Know that ornery nanny goat I have that kicks everybody? Well, her new pen has some locoweed growing in it and she’s as lovable as can be now. Licks me every time I come near.”
FLEU ZEE (comes toward BJ from behind the judge): “So, it’s changing that grumpy old lady?” (meets BJ center stage) BAWDY: “Sure is! She’s into making valentines with the children for arts and crafts! And singing lullabies at “nap” time. Today she took the Terrible Twins on a picnic to pick flowers for the shut-ins. She’s becoming as sweet as my nanny goat! Almost a pleasure to be around!” (all smile and nod approvingly) “I will have to hurt her though if she ever tries to lick me!” (FZ and BJ part and go stage left and right)
DUSTY: “Next order of business. (turns to Doc) “How’s yur docterin’ and preachin’ comin’ along?” DOC (coming off bar stool): “Well, I’ve got my office all set up and sent off for some more medical supplies from Sheers and Robust. It’s a GREAT medical supply and health food catalog from out East! I stocked a lot of Caster Oil for folks that eat at the café a lot. And just in case your plan regarding (ALL*) you-know-who (all pretend they weren’t *) goes awry I have a lot of bandages, iodine and bag balm.”
BAWDY: “Bag balm?”
DOC: “It’s udderly fantastic stuff for smoothing and soothing. (looks at Bawdy’s bosom) You should try it sometime. Anyway, the church is stocked with hymnals for funerals and I bought two new shovels just in case things go REALLY bad. Not that they will…………I have every confidence in all of you………….(looks up)Help us through these trials and tribulations!” (goes back to bar stool)
DUSTY: “Next order of business: I been out on the trail and want to hear the latest on our plan. I know whilst I were gone Black Burt * struck not even 30 miles from here. He totaled Trashville and was thought to be headin’ toward Picklepatch just down the road aways. Things is getting’ desperate.” (stands pounding on table then sits back down)
BAWDY: “Well, you’ll be happy to hear we have four responses from our saloon singer posters. One of them HAS to be Black Burt*. They’ll all be here soon so we better figure out what questions to ask them that will help us figure out which one is our bad guy.”
SHERIFF: “Or bad girl…..remember he, or she, or whatever, will be in disguise.” (all put on thinking look)
DUSTY (stands: “I know! Let’s ask em their NAME.” pg. 20 JUDGE: “Do you really think someone is going to answer Black Burt*, you moron? They’re going to give us a fake name. That’s no use…….” (Dusty sits back down)
DOC (standing with arms in air): “Guide us in our search for wisdom….(Sheriff pushes him back down. He jumps back up) and truth!” (sits)
BAWDY: “How about occupation?”
JUDGE: “AGAIN….do you really think someone is going to say gunslinger?”
DOC (jumps up again): “Lead us into battle with girded (looks at Sheriff and sits) loins.”
FLEU ZEE: “I can give them the sniff test. (all look at her with disgust) Not what you’re thinking. I’ve been around enough men that I can smell gunpowder residue if they’re a shooter, cow pie if they’re a wrangler, lantern oil if they’re a miner, cigar smoke if they’re a gambler, hair tonic if they’re a gigolo…….”
JUDGE: “Ok we get the picture. That might come in handy. But it’s not enough.”
SHERIFF: (stands) “How about matching their faces with wanted posters?”
DUSTY: “What part of master of disguise ain’t you gettin’?”
SHERIFF: “Still, we might get lucky. Yes, sir…..Sheriff’s my name and catching crooks is my game. I’ll go get some posters together. I think they were in the box of kindling. (everyone looks at him) Well, it gets darn cold in that office and besides, a little fire is so CHEERY.”
DOC (stands with arms up): “ I beseech thee to look upon us with tolerance and wisdom to..” (Sheriff pushes him down)
DUSTY: “I like him a lot better when he’s docterin’ instead of preachin’. Even when he wanted to amputate my big toe because he said it had diphtheria!”
JUDGE (stands and paces): “Let me get this straight. We’re planning to catch this person with Fleu Zee’s nose and old wanted posters?” (sits and stays there thru One Hung Lo’s song)
ALL: “sounds like a plan!” (head nodding, smiles etc.)
DOC: “I better go over to the mercantile and buy a few more shovels!”
pg. 21 BAWDY: “Listen up everybody. It’s almost 3:00 and our first auditioneer will be here any minute!”
DUSTY: “How do we know it’s 3:00?”
BAWDY: “Lordy, I’ve been working and working with you. Don’t you remember?”
ALL: “When the cock crows it’s time to get up. When the shooting starts it’s high noon. When the sun hits the sleeping hound in front of the mercantile it’s 3:00, when the cows come home it’s bedtime…”
DUSTY: “Oh yeah….and when pigs fly we’ll all be rich (pleased with himself for remembering the end) Well, I’ll leave all this judgin’ stuff to you good folk. I got a cattle drive to tend to.” (exits singing On the Trail Again)
BAWDY: “Here comes one! We’re in here! Come on in!” (She comes out from behind the bar and stands with FZ)
(enter One Hung Lo; stays near entry point)
SHERIFF: “And you are?”
ONE HUNG LO: “One Hung Lo. Here to sing for job.”
FLEU ZEE (stage whisper to Bawdy Joint): ‘It’s a woman.”
BAWDY JOINT (stage whisper to Fleu Zee): “Or master of disguise remember?”
SHERIFF: “May I call you One?”
ONE (nods and says): “Ah, so.”
SHERIFF: “Did you just call me an……no couldn’t be. I see you are a laundry lady by trade.”
ONE (nods): “Ah, so”
SHERIFF: “Ok, NOW you’re pushing it lady. (calms himself) Where are you from ONE?” (begins pacing in front of her with hands clasped behind his back)
ONE: “Pun.”
pg. 22 SHERIFF: “You enjoy singing?”
ONE: “Fun.”
SHERIFF: “Did you ever enter a contest before?”
ONE: “One.”
SHERIFF: “And what happened?”
ONE: “Won.”
SHERIFF: “What did you win?”
ONE: “Gun.”
SHERIFF: “Sooooo, One from Pun. You sing for fun and in one contest you won a gun. (she nods. He wheels on her and gets in her face) Well, Hon, before we’re done and you run, I’d like to know where you were a week ago when the town of Bootlace was Bashed, when Anthill was annihilated, when …”
BAWDY (interrupts in a stage whisper): “Sheriff, nix ay on the accusation ay…we’re trying to be (shouting) SUBTLE!” (Other two contestants are seen looking thru curtain listening)
FLEU ZEE: “I’m in the music business too, Honey. Why don’t you just sing your song?” (One sings opera and all are aghast . They break out of their stupor long enough for Fleu Zee to do some sniffing and the Sheriff with Bawdy to go behind her, look and discard pictures. The judge is standing in awe)
SHERIFF: “Well One…guess you had your fun. That was second to none. Thanks a ton; you might have won. (slaps himself in the head to stop) Wait in the café across the street and we’ll get back to you.”
DOC: “I haven’t heard such a talented singer since I went to the opera house back East!”
BAWDY: “That was incredible. She has the voice of an angel! (Fleu reacts looking scared for her job.)
JUDGE: (looking angry) “She was ok I guess. Not really saloon material…….”
pg. 23 DOC: “Preserve is from envy and thou shalst not covet they neighbors glorious oral praise.”
JUDGE: “Shalst? Shalst?”
DOC: “I’m sure I saw it in here somewhere.” (leafing thru Bible)
BAWDY: “Sheriff, why were you comparing pictures from BEHIND her?”
SHERIFF: “Our budget didn’t allow for the high priced face shots so I got the budget ‘back of heads’ package. I couldn’t tell anything with all that hair and that rice bowl on her head anyway.”
FLEU ZEE: “HER head? Maybe not. It might be HIM…Black Burt *”
BAWDY (heading behind the bar): “Well, here; use these. (hands over pics). These are some guys, let’s say, I’ve BEEN with. I pulled their pictures off the post office wall as love mementos. They’re better than what you’ve got.”
JUDGE (stands then sits back down): “Another one is here! Places everyone!”
Enter Adoro
SHERIFF: “And you are……..”
ADORO (speaking with Spanish accent): “Adoro.”
SHERIFF: “Just Adoro?”
ADORO: “Yes, just one name. You know, like Cher…..” (all look questioningly at each other) (Fleu Zee is sneaking behind him sniffing the whole time) (Bawdy Joint is looking at posters and comparing them to him; dropping most. Judge N. Jury draws masks on some and compares again shaking his head)
SHERIFF: “And you’ve come to apply for Saloon Singer?” (pacing with hands behind his back.)
ADORO: “That’s right”
SHERIF (wheels suddenly and gets in his face): “And just where were you last Monday when the town of Smokestack went up in smoke? And a day later when Canine went to the dogs? And the day after that when Clingon got wiped? HUH? HUH?”
pg. 24 ADORO: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
SHERIF: “So what does the name Black Burt* mean to you?”
ADORO: “Nothing. I had a cousin name Black Friday. He was in banking…..”
DOC: “Heal us from the love of money for it shall be.” (Sheriff glares and he sits)
SHERIF: “Well, Mr. Adoro……or is it MISS Adoro (Adoro looks offended and acts macho) we’ll let you sing your song now but don’t even THINK of leaving town. I mean, please stay around. We may have more questions for you. As a person who auditioned I mean. We’re certainly not asking for any other reason……I mean……oh just sing already.”
Adoro sings theme from Zorro (changed to Adoro) with more sniffing and picture discarding . Song ends with cape flourish and clapping by all the women)
“Out of the night When the full moon is bright Comes a horseman known as Adoro
Romeos take flight When I come into sight I’m a horseman known as Adoro
(octave higher) Women love me As well it should be (trill) Come lie with me And you will see (trill) (back down) That when it is night My love is so right I’ll come to you as Adoro”
SHERIFF: “Well, ADORO (mocking name) I suppose just because you’re handsome, are built like a Greek God, can sing like an angel with that sexy foreign accent and make the ladies swoon that we’re just going to hire you on the spot! Well no sireebob…not in my town. We have MUCH lower standards here! You just wait across the street in the café and we’ll get back to you. And don’t expect any free coffee Buckoo!! Not on MY watch!” (Adoro exits)
pg. 25 Music begins to play from offstage and on comes the Mayor. in his tux with a glittery mike lip singing Sinatra.
Shortly into the song the control booth guy says “Excuse me. EXCUSE ME sir….I think you’re in the wrong play. Please exit the stage immediately. Thank you.”
JIM R: “Isn’t this the audition for the remake of Mobsters in Vegas?”
CONTROL BOOTH: “That was last week. Please leave immediately, Sir.”
JIM: “Well…..that was awkward!” (stomps off)
BAWDY: “I really need to buy a better grade of whiskey. You wouldn’t believe what I just imagined I saw!” (drinks)
SHERIFF: “And you wouldn’t believe the outfit on the guy I just didn’t see!” (drinks)
FLEU ZEE: “And the voice I just didn’t hear coming from the sky! I think it might have been God!” (drinks one from each hand)
DOC: “As the medical official of Our City I think we’ve just been subjected to a mass hallucination. It could be the water…..”
JUDGE: “I’ll drink to that!” (ALL drink, look at each other and drink again)
DOC: “BUT as your devout preacher, I think we may have just witnessed a miracle!”
SHERIFF (wandering back towards entrance; looking for someone): “Well, water or miracle aside, we have one more scheduled. He sent word that he’s the Biggest Thing to come from the Lone Star State since spurs on boots. Calls himself Texas Holdem.”
FLEU ZEE (following Sheriff; bumping into him when he stops): “The biggest thing? Wonder what he means by that?”
Coming from off stage a booming voice: “And now, to thunderous applause, welcome Texas Holdem star of stages from Tecumseh to Tallahassee!!” (Flourish entrance with only Fleu Zee clapping wildly.)
SHERIFF: “Would it be safe to assume YOU are Texas Holdem?”
TEXAS HOLDEM: “Yup.”
pg. 26 SHERIFF: “And you’re here for our saloon singer auditions?”
TEXAS HOLDEM: “Yup.” (He catches Fleu Zee behind him sniffing and Doc with wanted posters and they go back and forth.)
SHERIFF: “And you would give up all your fame and fortune if you win to move to our city?”
TEXAS HOLDEM: “Yup.”
JUDGE: “We will eagerly await your next syllable. In the meantime, sing your song…if you can spit out the words.”
Sings the Gambler very badly while sniffing and fliers are going on.
“On a dark winter’s night On a train headed nowhere I met up with a Gambler We were both to tired to sleep
He said son, I been a thinkin’ ‘bout living and a dyin’ For a taste of your whiskey I’ll give a lesson you can keep
You gotta know when to hold ‘em Know when to fold’em Know when to walk away Know when to run
You never count your money When you’re sittin’ at the table There’ll be time enough for countin’ When the evenin’ done!”
JUDGE: “Well, Mr. Holdem…that was memorable.”
ALL: “Yes, memorable is a good word for it.”
SHERIFF: “I’ll be checking on your credentials…don’t you think I won’t! I have my sources you know. High up sources. Lots of high up sources. Sources so high up you wouldn’t even believe how high up…..”
pg. 27 FLEU ZEE (interrupts): “Sheriff, let me take Mr. Biggest Thing across the street to the café (takes his arm flirtatiously ) and get the others and we’ll have one final look at all of them.”
JUDGE: “I’ll go too. I don’t trust you alone with this fellow.” (all three exit)
Sherriff and Bawdy and Doc begin to discuss (gather just left of center stage and ad lib dialogue) which singer they think Burt is when suddenly (off stage sounds of mooing and stomping are heard)
BAWDY: “What’s all that noise? (She looks out the window). “Oh no…a cattle stampede! And, they’re all caught in the middle of it! Oh, dear, oh dear!”
All five come stumbling on stage in the following order; Dusty, Fleu, One Hung Lo, Judge N. Jury, Texas Holdem. The men and Fleu Zee are dusting themselves off; One Hung Lo falls dramatically to the floor.
JUDGE (looking at One): “She looks DEAD!”
TEX: “Yup. Deader than a doornail”!”
ADORO: “Maybe she really got hurt in the stampede!”
FLEU ZEE: “I know I did….I broke two fingernails!”
SHERIFF (goes over to her and kneels down): “Stampede my ten gallon water bucket! This is a bullet hole. She’s been SHOT!”
DOC: (kneeling down too. Uses palmed LARGE bullet; pulls it dramatically out of the body) “Yes. I’d determine it to be about a 46 caliber weapon.”
BAWDY: “46,47, whatever it took she REALLY looks dead!”
SHERIFF: “That means one of you four is the leader of a bloodthirsty gang of hoodlums and you shot her using the stampede as cover!”
JUDGE: “You mean one of them is….”
ALL: “Black Burt*!”
pg. 28 SHERIFF SHAKEY SHOOTER pulls gun and swings back and forth shakily among the four. Dropping the gun occasionally.
BAWDY: “Over dessert we need to remove a dead body but you have to vote on who the killer was. It seems you have a one in four chance of being correct. Or do you? Does our Sheriff really know what a bullet hole looks like? Maybe you’ve been misled. Either way, go get dessert, another drink, and fill out your voting form as a table group. We’ll be back in about 20 minutes to end your misery…..I mean this play.”
End of Act 2
pg. 29 Act 3
All characters on stage as we left them with Sheriff still shakily pointing gun at all four.
SHERIFF: “One of you must be Black Burt*! Oh, for Pete’s sake. Stop doing that! One of you is Black Burt so there is need to be afraid. Besides, I have my gun pointed at all of you and he or she can’t get away. It looks to me like Black Burt needed to eliminate the only person who had all the talent!”
DOC: “One who undoubtedly had superior vocal cords. Did you know the human vocal cord vibrates at an average speed of…”
BAWDY: “We don’t need anatomy lessons right now; we need to find out who murdered the laundry lady! Too bad she’s dead. We could’ve hired her for BOTH jobs. My dirty stockings are really piling up.”
IMA (comes skipping on the stage carrying a basket singing): “People, people who love children, are the luckiest people of them all. (and stops between the two men saying) Does anyone here need free babysitting this week-end?”
TEXAS (grabs her as a hostage): “I don’t need free babysitting; I need you to get me out of here. This town is too wild for my blood. You got posters all over the place about a road apple scavenger hunt, they serve hot sauce on the eggs at the café, this goat out back kept licking me while I was trying to rehearse, and to top it all off there was a dead person lying there a minute ago! I wouldn’t move here even if I won!”
SHERIFF: “Are YOU Black Burt?”
TEXAS: “Who’s Black Burt?”
SHERIFF: “He’s the bloodthirsty leader of a gang of terrorists ravishing the area for fun and profit.”
TEXAS: “Heck no….I’m a sarsaparilla salesman from Salina. I only enter singing contests as a hobby. I’ve never even won one. (all nod as if they understand why) I just applied for the benefit package: free soap on Saturday nite, my own horse trough, a reserved bar stool…..sweet!”
SHERIFF: “So you didn’t kill her?”
pg. 30 TEXAS: “Of course not! I recognized her. She was my next door neighbor aunts’ sister’s mother-in-law’s laundry lady. May she rest in peace.” (lets go of Ima to take off hat and bow his head)
SHERIF: “Then one of YOU is the murderer!” (points to other three. Judge grabs Ima and shakes her)
JUDGE: “Do you think I’m guilty?”
IMA: “Naaaa.” (Goat noise; looks down at muffin she’s been eating the whole time in horror)
JUDGE: “Do you think I could really pillage and loot?”
IMA: “Naaaa.” (Goat noise; slaps hand over mouth)
JUDGE: “Do you think I’ll win the next election?”
IMA: “Naaaa.” (Goat noise; throws muffin down)
JUDGE: “I can PROVE I’m not Black Burt. Ask any of the dance hall girls in all those towns on my circuit. They’ll tell you where I was on those dates when trouble broke loose due to Black Burt.”
FLEU ZEE: “You mean you buy THEM drinks!”
JUDGE: “Nothing personal but I pay them for more than drinks” (she reacts) No not THAT! I pay them to trim my nose hairs. I take pride in looking dapper and didn’t want anyone here to know I had that…ah…issue. I can’t see well enough to do it myself but, frankly, I’m just too vain to get spectacles.”
SHERIFF: “Well, if you have all those alibis, and no nose hair, it can’t be you. But it could be YOU!” (turns to Fleu Zee who is next in line. She grabs Ima and hides behind her)
FLEU ZEE: “I have alibis too. I told you I leave town to do things. It’s to take singing lessons!”
BAWDY: “Why would you want singing lessons? You KNOW I don’t pay that well. But, if you ARE Black Burt you’d want to be the best around!”
pg. 31 FLEU ZEE: “I only go as far as Plum Creek and take lessons from Laura Ingalls at her little house on the prairie. You can check with any one of the kids. Even the TV guide says they’re wholesome and honest with old-fashioned family values! (all react to tv guide) Not important. I wanted to be a better singer; not so much like a rusty windmill (glares at Judge). If ANYONE was going to be Saloon Singer I wanted it to be me. But I wouldn’t hurt anyone to do it!”
SHERIFF: “Then that leaves YOU, Adoro, or whatever your name is!” (Adoro grabs Ima as a hostage. She licks his hand and lightly butts him with her head))
ADORO: “You’ll be coming with me, Darlin’. Don’t anyone try to stop me!”
IMA (in singsong voice): “Ohhhh, somebody’s cranky today! Want a muffin? I made them myself from Lucky’s secret recipe…they’re still warm” (sticks one in his mouth)
ADORO (looking pleasantly surprised and lowering his gun): “Oh…TASTY! Can I have another one?” (They stand there nonchalantly eating the muffins and smiling)
SHERRIF: “EXCUSE ME! I believe we were in the middle of a SITUATION here!”
FLEU ZEE: “Yes. Are you Black Burt or not?”
ADORO (nods; mouth full): “Uh,hmmm.”
JUDGE: “Unmask yourself, Sir, so we can see your true identity!” (Dusty takes off mask and fake moustache.)
BAWDY: “Dusty! How can it be you? Whyyyyyy?”
DOC (looking thru book): “He obviously has a blockage in his Thymus Gland which causes unavoidable and inappropriate risk taking behavior coupled with a sociopathic incompatibility Oh, never mind….that’s only in dogs. He must have been led astray by ungodfearing turmoil in his soul. (hand in air; eyes closed) Heal him! Be gone demons! Out I say!”
DUSTY: “These really are scrumptious! Is that cinnamon or nutmeg I taste?”
IMA : “Well actually I used just a touch of……..”
SHERIFF (interrupting): “EXCUSE ME AGAIN!! I believe we were in the middle of a CONFESSION here!”
pg. 32 DUSTY: “Yes, alright……. I am Black Burt. Didn’t you ever notice I was always out on a ‘cattle drive’ whenever all that trouble was goin’ on? You all are denser than the sagebrush on the prairie. I WANTED to be the good guy Dusty Bottoms that you all knew and accepted but the bad boy in me couldn’t stop being Black Burt the adventurous trouble maker!”
IMA: ‘I know, dear. You were probably potty trained too early” (He puts his head on her shoulder and starts crying; she pats his back.)
DUSTY: “I was hoping I could win the contest and win your hearts when you found out that it was me and let me be the saloon singer. After all I’ve been a part of this town for so long. I was chairman of the royal order of gophers, volunteer window washer of the church of Plight and Doom, and leader of the Unharmonizing Harmonicas. I really, really, really, want to go straight. I never even shot anybody until now. I drew my gun just to scare her away but it went off when I got butted by a heifer.”
FLEU ZEE: “I wasn’t even near you.” DUSTY: “Not you; the other kind.”
DOC: “Head butting can lead to severe headaches and malaise with long term dizziness! Oh, I guess it could’ve been painful for you too….”
JUDGE: “Well, justice must be served. We’ll all put in a good word for you if you give us the names of your gang members and the location of their super secret hideout. Sheriff, lock him away until Marshall Marshall the Territory Marshall comes to town.” SHERIFF: “We still don’t have a lock. Can I trust you to stay put Burt….or Dusty…or whatever your name is?” DUSTY: “Actually, my real name is Irving. But I’ll be happy to stay if Miss Ima brings me muffins each day. They’re REALLY tasty…..” IMA: “Come with me Dear, I’ll help you get settled in… I’ve got some lovely lace curtains that will brighten up the cell. And throw pillows, they make such a difference in any setting.” (They begin to exit)
DUSTY: “Those are some mighty fine muffins. You know you really should open up a bakery AND a greenhouse. Naaaaa” ALL: line up on stage and sing Happy Trails to You and then bow to a standing ovation….or just wander off ducking food the audience is throwing.
The End pg. 33