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CHARACTERS

FARRAGUT BOAT CLUB EDWARD: White, architect, 30, Harvard graduate, exceedingly friendly, quick to take the lead in a situation. Has become a proud Chicagoan, despite early upbringing in New England area. JAMES: White, 27, businessman, Yale graduate, a tightly wound man, prides himself on making lucrative deals. Considers himself one of the rebuilders of Chicago after the Great Fire. JOSEPH: White, lawyer, 29, Yale graduate, congenial, sometimes a bit clueless (despite being a lawyer). GEORGE: White, 33, reporter, Harvard graduate, reserved demeanor because he likes to keep his ear open for new information. As a reporter has seen the redevelopment of the city first-hand after the Fire and sees the changes in demographics. It interests and worries him.

WAVELAND SOFTBALL FIELD (Note: The character descriptions are written as if they’re being spoken by one of the characters themselves, but more like someone who knows them. Hopefully it gives a feel for the tone, the mindset of the main characters in the play. They are rude, profane, blunt-by-accident, but familiar enough with each other to say the things they say.)

EDDIE: One of those run-of-the-mill Chicago Polish guys (HE can call himself a “Polack” but you probably shouldn’t.) Looks about 10 years older than he really is, so I’m guessing he’s, I don't know, about 42 or something? His hair’s already turning grey. Kinda got some muscles but not from working out…just that naturally strong shit, you know? Works for the city like his father and uncle. In fact, they got him the job (real surprise there, right?).

TONY: A long-time friend of Eddie’s from the neighborhood. About 32, 33. He looks a little like a regular white guy, but his mom’s white and his dad was black, so, you know, that whole thing…. Yet him and Eddie don’t talk about it (though one time, some guy called him a “nig…,” well, you know, something he shouldn’t of, and Eddie popped the guy in the mouth).

TAMI: Eddie’s wife, though she could do a hell of a lot better. Nah, I’m kiddin’. Seriously she’s not a bad lookin’ broad… woman, sorry. She’s probably late 30s, I guess. And get this, not a bad softball player. She used to pitch for us. But don’t get on her bad side. She’ll cut you down, that one.

JIMBO: Oh, boy, this guy. Short little Irish fucker from Morgan Park who thinks his shit don't stink. Never stops talking, for fuck sake. Which makes sense since he owns a used car lot over by Western Avenue. Does TV commercials too and he’s kinda famous, mostly because of that stupid jingle: “When you need a car/but you’re low on dough/Jim Murray Used Cars/is the way to go….. Jim Murrrrayyyyyy….” For fuck sake.

JIMBO NO. 2: A plumber like all the other Polish guys in Chicago who don’t have enough connections to get a job working for the city. They even made up a saying about him: “There’s nobody dumber/than Jim the Plumber.” And he loves that shit, so, what’s

SIXTEEN INCH 3 that tell ya? He’s about 37, tall but thin as a fucking rail. Hell of a first baseman, though, gotta admit.

KALIFA: I think he’s about 30 but you can never tell with those black guys. They all turn out to be a lot older than I figure. Gotta admit, though, he’s in shape. Not that I’m checking him out or anything, it ain’t like that. He’s kinda touchy, if you ask me. Hell of a softball player. Fast. But them guys always are, am I right?

VAL: Val’s cool, I like her. She’s like a lawyer or something, but, you know, she don't talk all that smart shit all the time. And she’s pretty good looking. I don’t know if a woman like that would go out with a guy like me but … who knows, right?

RYAN: One of them know-it-all college boys from Michigan or Indiana State or some other college way the fuck over there. All that college and he’s still big, blonde and dumb. And “Awesome”… every other fucking word out of his mouth is “awesome” like ever other 20-year-old white kid.

CESAR: Don't really know this guy. He just started coming around the field watching the games not too long ago. He’s not Mexican, but he’s somethin’ like that… something South American. Guatemalan? Yeah, that sounds right.

UMP: Just some kid. 27, I guess, which is a kid to me. The Park District pays them twenty-five bucks a game and they show up to watch a bunch of drunk guys run around the bases. But this guy, I’ve see him work games before, he seems pretty tired of it.

MIKEY: Eddie’s kid. About 11, I guess. He brings him to the game sometimes, on days we don’t go to the bar right after. He’s always goofing around while we’re playing so we hardly see him.

DUAL ROLES These parts are to be played by the same actors: GEORGE (Farragut Boat club) and RYAN EDWARD and EDDIE JAMES and JIMBO NO. 1 JOSEPH and JIMBO NO. 2 UMP and MIKEY

SETS There are two sets needed:

FARRAGUT BOAT CLUB The first depicts the gym area of the Farragut Boat Club on the near South Side of Chicago in 1887. The club is for well-to-do male professionals of the day: Initiation fee is $50 and monthly dues are $25 a considerable amount of money for the time. The gym has a hardwood floor that is not shiny, a little worn from use but kept up. Around the room there is exercise equipment of the day: an old wooden rowing machine, dumbbells, medicine balls and a couple of pairs of old-style boxing gloves: bigger than modern gloves, brown leather, worn. There is a door on one side of the room.

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WAVELAND SOFTBALL FIELD The other set is a softball diamond in Waveland Park on Chicago’s North Side. The busy park – biking, tennis, runners, etc. - is between Lake Michigan and Lake Shore Drive, a busy roadway that separates the park from the rest of the city.

There is a wooden outdoor dugout bench. The wood is old and worn from being exposed to the elements for years. Behind the bench is a chain-link fence to prevent balls from rolling away from the diamond area and onto the bike-running path nearby. The fence is about armpit height on a man or woman 5-11. The area around the bench is a mix of patches of grass and dirt. The grass isn’t lush and green but dull and mixed with dying brown grass. The dirt, grey and hard, is around the bench area where players walking back and forth have worn away the grass. There is trash on the ground around the bench: old newspapers, potato chip bags (Fritos, Doritos, stuff like that), and a few crushed beer cans.

SOUNDS The audience should be able to hear the sounds of other softball games in the background as “white noise”: balls hitting bats, adult voices shouting, yelling instructions, cheering. It isn’t loud enough to distract the audience but enough to indicate this is a busy active park in a busy active city. There is also the faint sound of cars going in either direction on Lake Shore Drive.

THE CHICAGO ACCENT Actors playing Eddie, Jimbo, Jimbo No. 2 and Tami should have the actors who either have or can convincingly do a “Chicago accent.” It really shouldn't be like “The Superfans” from the old Saturday Night Live, because that’s too exaggerated to be taken seriously.

The actor portraying Kalifa, however, has a different Chicago accent and pronounces words differently that the other characters, even though they have all grown up in the same city. A Chicago black accent is sort of a mixture of the Chicago accent and a southern accent. Certain words are pronounced the same and certain terms are similar, but there is often a southern “twang.”

Some good sources on the Chicago accent: http://interactive.wbez.org/curiouscity/accents/#) http://www.chicagomag.com/Chicago-Magazine/The-312/March-2012/Where-the- Chicago-Accent-Comes-From-and-How-Politics-is-Changing-It/ http://positiveanymore.blogspot.com/2006/04/chicago-dialect.html https://www.wbez.org/shows/wbez-news/chuh-kaw-go-what-do-you-really-sound- like/9054d7a4-f876-4c53-8ce1-08adae048d28 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t3XZSKr4g58 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SlV3qCzM5uQ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZ2wRSzQ2ws

ACTION (Note: Not sure about this part yet) The “field” is never seen. Actors leave the theater area when they leave the bench area and take the field.

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When the Longballers are up to bat, the batter should be seen at the plate hitting the ball and taking off toward first base when the script calls for it. The ball should come from an unseen source (unseen by the audience but seen by the actor, obviously.) The ball should be hit by the actor but preferably not in the direction of the audience (lawsuits, again, obviously), but it’s important to let the audience hear the sound of the ball as it hits the bat. A 16-inch softball has a nice, distinctive sound and I want the audience to hear that.

THE BALL, ETC. Official 16-inch Clincher softballs should be used. There should be a brand new Clincher softball and a slightly used one.

The Longballers all wear matching t-shirts with the team name. Some team members should have new t-shirts, some should have older, faded shirts, indicating they’ve been a member of the team for a number of years.

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ACT I, SCENE I THE FARRAGUT BOAT CLUB SOUTH SIDE OF CHICAGO

TIME THANKSGIVING WEEKEND, 1887

The gym room of the Farragut Boat Club, 1887. EDWARD, GEORGE and JAMES are engaged in fitness activities: EDWARD and GEORGE are heaving a medicine ball back and forth, while JAMES has boxing gloves on and is shadow boxing. They are all wearing period sporting clothes.

EDWARD (forcefully)…because they obviously prefer to be with their own. They come to Chicago and go straight to the neighborhood with their fellow Poles or Italians, or what have you.

GEORGE And you truly believe this? That they live in tenement slums in the city by choice and not city design? As a Harvard man, you display a shocking lack of awareness.

EDWARD They’re free to move anywhere in the city they desire…

GEORGE …provided someone like you doesn't raise a stink when they move next door to you.

EDWARD What do you mean “someone like me?”

(JOSEPH suddenly enters the room, holding a piece of paper - a telegram. The other three men stop what they’re doing and watch him in anticipation. He waves the paper in the air for a second, reads it, smiles and then sticks it in his pocket.)

EDWARD Well? Out with it, Joseph! Who won?

(JOSEPH says nothing, but continues smiling, whistling. He strolls over to pick up a small dumbbell and lifts it a few times.)

JAMES (stops shadow boxing) Oh, come on, Joe, spit it out. Yale? (miffed, he continues shadow boxing)

JOSEPH looks up, smiles and switches weight to his other hand and lifts a few more times.

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GEORGE (stops tossing medicine ball) Harvard. It was Harvard, wasn’t it?

JOSEPH stops, drops weight and walks to other side of gym where he picks up a broomstick and plays with it in his hands. He begins whistling a random tune.

EDWARD (miffed) Christ, man. Spit it out. Who won? Harvard or that God-forsaken Yale?

JOSEPH (twirls the broom stick a bit and begins singing the Yale school song, “Bright College Years”)

How bright will seem, through mem’ry’s haze, Those happy, golden by-gone days!

(JAMES brightens as he recognizes the words to the Yale school song and stands to join in)

So let us strive that ever we May let these words our watch-cry be, Where’er upon life’s sea we sail: "For God, for Country, and for…

(they pause and look toward the other club members, to sing in unison…)

…..Yale!" EDWARD and GEORGE groan loudly in disappointment. JAMES throws one of his boxing gloves in the air and joins JOSEPH in cheering and then repeating the last chorus of “Bright College Years.”

EDWARD (mock angrily) Oh, to hell with both of you Yalies and your mongrel school. I’ve half a mind to let my foot find the middle of your backsides.

JOSEPH Oh, c’mon Edward. I thought Harvard men were better sports. That’s, what? (turns to JAMES in mock bewilderment) Seven wins in a row and an undefeated season? Final score, James?

JAMES 17-8, James. A real lally-cooler.

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EDWARD Oh, fuck the both of you.

JOSEPH (mock horror) Edward! Language… you’re in the confines of the Farragut Boat Club. Decorum, please. (laughs with JAMES)

EDWARD Sorry, I’ve been designing a new club for the Hibernians and I guess I’ve picked up some of their colorful language. The Irish do have a way with words…as George can attest. (turns to GEORGE) Right, George?

GEORGE (sighs at having to once again hear EDWARD’S stereotypical “joking”) Yes, Edward, my family and I would spend entire evenings just sitting around the hearth and cursing until the wee hours of the morning while guzzling copious amounts of whiskey.

EDWARD I never mentioned whiskey, George. (Looks at JAMES and JOSEPH, who are still celebrating) Look at those two, grinning like minstrels. (to JAMES and JOSEPH) You may have won the game, but you’re still Yalie bastards. I could drag three men out of the gutter and turn them Yale men in a matter of weeks. (to GEORGE). Can you at least stand up to these two for Harvard? You were a Harvard man alongside me, correct?

GEORGE As much as it pains me to admit it, yes I was.

EDWARD You hear that, you Yalies. Even old George here spits on your victory. And he’s barely a Harvard man. So take your victory and fuck off.

JOSEPH (mock stern) Edward! We’ve warned you once. Rules of the club…decorum.

EDWARD Here's your decorum! (EDWARD walks over to one of the discarded boxing gloves and throws it at JOSEPH, who swings at it with the broom stick and hits it.)

JAMES Whoa-ho, well done, Joseph!

GEORGE (suddenly perking up) Play ball! (The others laugh as GEORGE walks over and picks up the boxing glove and examines it.)

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GEORGE (con’t) Hang on … (He binds up the boxing glove in its own strings into a ball shape and tosses it back to EDWARD.) Pitch it again.

(EDWARD, a bit puzzled, looks at the glove and tosses it again to JOSEPH, who hits it solidly again.)

GEORGE Alright then, Edward and I against the two Yalies. Time to avenge Harvard’s honor.

JAMES How? What are we doing here?

GEORGE A little baseball game is all. Well, not exactly baseball. It’s… something, I’m not quite sure yet. It might be something grand, but … we’ll see. Now, come on, batter up. Let’s see if you can get it past me…

(Lights start to dim as the club members toss the bound glove around and get in position)

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ACT I, SCENE 2

SETTING A SOFTBALL FIELD IN WAVELAND PARK ON THE NORTH SIDE OF CHICAGO.

TIME SATURDAY, JULY 4, 2009

(Seven players with matching t-shirts [“The Longballers”] and caps – EDDIE, TONY, JIMBO, JIMBO NO. 2, KALIFA, VAL and RYAN - sit on the bench shouting encouragement to other team members and drinking beer they take from a cooler or passing a bottle of liquor down the bench and taking a swig. The player/coach of the team, EDDIE, stands and moves closer to the front of the stage.)

EDDIE (clapping his hands) C’mon, batta, be a batta. C’mon, batta batta, little bingo, Bobby, c’mon baby, be a batta

TONY (clapping) Let’s go, Bobby, make it happen. It’s all you, Bobby.

JIMBO (Clapping his hands) It’s right there, Bobby. C’mon baby, put it right out there, right over their heads, baby.

JIMBO NO. 2 (Clapping) Be a hitter, Bobby, right down their throat. Make ‘em work for it.

EDDIE Pick your spot, Bobby, wait for your pitch.

TONY (Stands up and approaches edge of stage and points to his left)

C’mon, Bobby, right over the third baseman head. It’s right there. Look how far back the leftfielders’ playin’. Drop it right over his head. Put it right there, baby. (He walks back to the cooler for a beer) Who needs one? Eddie? (He tosses a beer to EDDIE) Jimbo? You good?

JIMBO Beer me, Tony.

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(TONY tosses a beer to JIMBO)

TONY Jimbo No. 2? (JIMBO NO. 2 doesn’t answer) Yo, Jimbo No. 2? Beer? (JIMBO No. 2 shakes his head “no” and waves him off)

TONY Ryan?

RYAN I’m good.

TONY Kalifa? You want one?

KALIFA (waves his hand) Naw, I’m cool, man.

TONY Val? Anything?

VAL Seriously? Tony, c’mon, you know I don’t like that sewer water.

TONY Well, excuse me, your highness. (Takes a beer for himself out of the cooler and opens it.) (to the field) Let’s go Bobby, you can do this. The pitcher ain’t got nothing. Look at her, she’s getting’ tired. Her arm’s gone. Knock it outta there, Bobby, you’re beautiful, baby. Be a hitta. (Takes a long drink from beer can)

RYAN (Getting pumped up and clapping) C’mon, dude, you’re awesome. You da man! You’re awesome, dude, let’s do this.

KALIFA (Standing up and joining the others at the edge of the stage) Fuck that shit up, baby. Knock the shit outta that ball. (Points to his left) Lookit that man on third, he’s ready, baby, bring him on home. Bring his ass home.

EDDIE (Snapping his head toward Kalifa) Hey, take it down a notch, there’s kids over there.

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KALIFA (Slightly annoyed and looking around) Kids? Where? Ain’t no fucking kids here.

EDDIE (Points to his right) Right there. There’s a kid over there.

KALIFA (Leans forward for a better look then gives a dismissive wave of his hand) Man, that’s YOUR fuckin’ kid. He’s heard way worse than that from you at seven in the morning.

EDDIE (Looks closer and then chuckles) Shit, I guess it is. Yeah, you’re probably fuckin’ right. He’s heard worse from his mom and me. We sound like a police scanner. (Turns back to look at the game) C’mon, Bobby, knock the shit outta that ball. Hit it right over the fuckin’ third baseman’s head.

JIMBO (Clapping hard) Here she comes, Bobby, she’s puttin’ it right over the plate. (Turns to JIMBO NO. 2) So, Jimbo No. 2, whaddaya say, you still interested in the Monte Carlo? Runs like a fuckin’ dream. It’s just sittin’ on my lot waitin’ for ya.

JIMBO NO. 2 (turns to JIMBO) Fuck no, I’m not even working right now. How the fuck can I afford a new car? (turns back to the game and starts clapping) It’s your pitch, Bobby. Take your swing…Now Bobby, there is it. It’s fat, baby, it’s right there.

JIMBO Not new, used. But don’t sweat it. We got easy payment plans. No job, no credit, no problem. Best used car lot on Western Avenue.

JIMBO NO. 2 Geez, you sound just as annoying as your fuckin’ commercials.

JIMBO My commercials are annoying? Really? Tell you what: buy a car from me and you can be in the next one. Like a testimonial to show folks how fuckin’ humble and honest I am.

JIMBO NO. 2 You ain’t either of those things. And I ain’t buying a car ‘til I get a job. Not from you or anybody.

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JIMBO C’mon, I got easy payments…

JIMBO NO. 2 Anything more than free ain’t easy payments.

EDDIE (annoyed) Hey, Jimbos, both of you, you wanna pay attention to the game?

JIMBO (to EDDIE) Hey, I’m doing some business here. (to JIMBO NO. 2) Think about it, OK? A man without a car is a man riding the bus.

JIMBO NO. 2 (turns to JIMBO, puzzled) What the fuck does that mean?

JIMBO Don’t’ worry about what it means, just remember it. (to RYAN) What about you, Ryan? You need a car? Got a nice Lexus. Only 12,600 miles on it. Still smells new. Great for an up and coming young professional such as yourself.

RYAN I got a car, Jimbo. The Jeep runs fine.

JIMBO Jeep? What the fuck does anybody need with a Jeep in Chicago? Ain’t no mountains here. Only mountains here are Mount Prospect and Mount Vernon and maybe that one street in Morgan Park that’s kinda steep.

RYAN It snows here, remember?

JIMBO Hey, don’t tell me. I grew up here. I seen snow that come up to my dick.

RYAN Musta been a lotta snow in your case.

JIMBO You don’t need no Jeep, you just need a good solid car like a Lexus. (turns to KALIFA) Kalifa, my man, what about you? I got a Cadillac just came in and…

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KALIFA A Cadillac? Why the fuck you got to put ME in a Cadillac? What, I’m a black man so I gotta drive a Cadillac?

JIMBO Nah, I’m just sayin…

KALIFA Did you see the car I drove up in here today? That’s a 2007 BMW 525i Sedan, 24 valve, 3.0 litre engine, 250 horses, 0 to 60, shit moves faster than Milli Vanilli’s career, leather seats that feel better than sex and a sound system that’ll make you think Beyonce is sitting right next to you. A Cadillac? Man, please…

JIMBO So I guess it’s a “no” on the Cadillac?

KALIFA No, it’s not a “no.” It’s a HELL NO.

JIMBO (turning to VAL and addressing her in a sing-song manner) Hey, Valerie. Val…

VAL (waving JIMBO off) Jimbo, just… no.

JIMBO You took a cab out here to the ballfield today. You can DEFINITELY use a new ride. Whaddya like? I got a new…

VAL If you say Cadillac, you I’m gonna hit you right in the nuts with one of these bats.

JIMBO No, no. That’s not you. I get that. I got something special for you.

VAL I don't need a car, Jimbo. I got the el and buses and cabs and everything I need to get around. Besides, you know how hard it is to find a parking space in Edgewater?

JIMBO Parking space? Ain’t you living in one of them fancy-ass condos on Sheridan Road with the indoor parking and the valet to park it for you and wash it on the weekends and…

VAL No, I don’t live in one of those fancy-as condos with the indoor-type space. I live in a regular two flat like. I did that condo shit when I lived in the ‘burbs. But I’m back here now where it’s hard to find a parking space and I don’t need a car/

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JIMBO Yet.

VAL What?

JIMBO You don’t need a car YET. See, I got one of them Mini Coopers on the lot. You know, one of them real small cars. Real cute car. Very popular with women such as yourself.

VAL (feigning feminine interest) Really? Women such as myself? It’s small and cute? Do you have one in pink maybe?

JIMBO Uh, sure, yeah, I can get one of those for you. I can…

VAL (interrupting curtly) I don't need a car, Jim, and especially not a cute pink lady car.

JIMBO (suave) Hey, a cute lady pink car for a cute lady…

VAL (playful flirting) Are you still trying to sell me a car or is something else going on here?

JIMBO Well, as a salesman I can be pretty persuasive…

EDDIE Jimbo, can you give it a rest for a while? We got a game going on. (turns to field) Alright, Bobby, be a batta, be a hitter, baby. Keep this inning alive…

(All players are now shouting encouragement, then all moan in disappointment as “Bobby” flies out. All return to the bench.)

Alright, fellas, don’t worry about it. We still got time. Let’s go, let’s get out there. Don’t let ‘em score. We’re still winning.

(All of the players get up and head out to the field. EDDIE and TONY walk back to the bench.)

That’s all right, Bobby, next time, baby. You’ll get ‘em next time. Next time, baby.

(TONY picks up a clipboard with a roster on it and peruses it. His cellphone rings and he answers.)

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TONY Hello?...(nervously) Um, hey, what’s up? Nothing, I’m, uh, at the game. What? Yeah, I told you, remember? What? Nah, you wouldn’t like it. It’s probably not your kind of action. Geez, not right now, OK? ‘Cause I can’t, OK? Not here...yeah, right, I promised, I know. … (loudly) No, don’t come down! (calmly again) I mean, just wait, OK? … Look, I gotta go. … Um, yeah, I … um, you too.

(he turns off phone)

Um, Eddie, you wanna keep Bobby in there? He’s flied out twice in a row now. We can move somebody else to left. Let’s see…Jay-Jay ain’t got in there yet.

EDDIE (Drains the last of his beer can) Nah, leave Bobby in there. He’ll come through if he gets another chance. He gets better later in the game. I got faith in him. Who’s up next inning, Tone?

TONY (Looking at roster) Uh…Kalifa leads off, Jimbo next, Jimbo No. 2 after him. If any of them get on, it’s Ryan.

EDDIE (Runs his fingers through his hair) Sheesh, that fuckin’ Ryan. If he couldn’t hit I’d throw him off the fuckin’ team. God, the way he runs his fuckin’ mouth. And about bullshit, too, ya know? How cool his fuckin’ iPhone is, some dumb ass TV show, how everything is fuckin’ “awesome.” (Imitates Ryan, “frat guy” voice) “Oh, I had this hamburger the other day, it was fucking awesome…I heard this band the other night, they were awesome…Dude, that t-shirt you’re rockin’ is awesome.’” Everything can’t be fucking ‘awesome’, amiright, Tony? If everything is awesome, then what is everything else? You hear me, Tone?

TONY Yeah, that’s awesome, Eddie.

EDDIE Fuck you, Tony.

TONY (Points out to the field) Hey, you think Jimbo should play closer the line?

EDDIE Which Jimbo?

TONY Regular Jimbo, not Jimbo No. 2. Last time up, this guy at the plate now pulled the shit out of the ball. I think he’s gonna try to go that way again.

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EDDIE Nah, Jimbo’s fine. This guy’s gonna try to drop it over second base.

TONY Bull. This guy loves to try and kill the fuck out of the ball. He’s goin’ deep.

EDDIE Ten bucks says dink over second.

TONY Ten.

EDDIE Bet. (They shake hands without taking their eyes off the field. EDDIE yells encouragement to his team.) C’mon, watch short center.

TONY Hey Jimbo, be ready out there. Look alive. (He turns to shout at batter from opposing team at the plate.) Hey King Kong, go ‘head and crush the ball. We’re ready. Bet you can’t put it over the left fielder’s head.

EDDIE Hey, batta, you betta swing. You need this run. What ‘cha gonna do, batta? Betta swing.

(The sound of a softball being hit. TONY moans and curses while EDDIE chuckles. EDDIE holds out his hand and TONY hands him ten bucks.)

TONY (Calmly) Fuck you.

EDDIE You wish.

TONY And fuck you a second time. (Checks the clipboard. His cell phone rings again and he tries to ignore it. EDDIE looks at him, wondering if he’s going to answer it.) Um, we’re up two runs, right?

EDDIE Yeah, two. (Turns to look at TONY) Pay attention to the game, will ya?

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TONY (Pissed) Hey, I got other shit on my mind besides softball, alright?

EDDIE All them damn cell phone calls you been gettin’ today? Who the fuck are you all of a sudden, Richard M. Fucking Daley?

TONY That was my…um…bookie. Guy from work. I placed a couple of bets with him.

EDDIE (skeptical) Bookie. Right. Don’t sound like any bookie phone call I ever heard.

TONY I know a different kinda bookie, OK? (gets strangely serious) Look, I just got some stuff… I… I might have a friend come to the next game, you know?

EDDIE Yeah, OK, a friend.

TONY Eddie, I said I got a “friend” who might come to the next game.

EDDIE I heard ya the first time. A friend. You got a friend coming to the game. Duly noted. I’ll wear clean socks.

TONY They…he wanted to come out and see the game. Well, see ME at the game. It’s … like, a friend. This, um, guy.

EDDIE So this guy is coming to see the game. Can he play right field ‘cause (suddenly raising his voice) JIMBO IS PLAYING LIKE SHIT RIGHT NOW! CATCH THE BALL, JIMBO!

TONY Nah, he can’t play right. He’s, like, this guy who’s a friend…

EDDIE Why the fuck are you telling me all this? You got a guy who’s a friend who wants to come watch the game. Terrific. Can’t wait.

TONY Yeah, but he’s like a friend who…fuck it, it’s just stuff on my mind.

SIXTEEN INCH 19

EDDIE Alright, stuff. Fine. You got stuff. But, you know? The game? We’re up by two, top of the fifth, guy on second and first and two outs? We need to win to stay alive for the playoffs? Anything else? The weather? The latest developments at City Hall? Gov. Ryan’s been indicted, you know?

TONY Why you gotta be a prick? (Stands up and walks to edge of field)

EDDIE You been talking to my wife again?

TONY (Talking to EDDIE over his shoulder) Your wife ain’t seen your prick in a long time, not since your kid over there was born. (Walks back to bench and goes for the cooler)

Beer?

EDDIE About fuckin’ time. Why else you think we got you out here?

TONY To pretty up the fuckin’ place. (Sifts around in cooler) Old Style or High Life?

EDDIE C’mon, Tony, you know me. What do I fucking drink all the time?

TONY Alright, High Life, jeez. God forbid you, like, change or anything. (TONY passes EDDIE a beer and looks into cooler again) Little shotski?

EDDIE (Looks over at TONY) What we got? (Turns back to the field and shouts encouragement) C’mon, Big K, c’mon, Kevin, don’t give this guy anything to hit. Be a pitcher.

TONY Jager, some Jose, some Jameson…

EDDIE (Looks back at TONY) No vodka?

SIXTEEN INCH 20

TONY Not this time. Jager or tequila or whiskey.

EDDIE Whiskey.

(TONY hands EDDIE the bottle and EDDIE takes a healthy swig, then picks up beer again. EDDIE leaps up suddenly and rushes to edge of the field) Aw, ump, c’mon, that wasn’t a fucking ball. What the fuck, ump? Above the knees, over the plate, that’s a strike. It ain’t that hard to figure out. Call the fucking game right, OK? (EDDIE moves even closer to edge of stage to shout at the UMP) What? Fuck you, I ain’t gotta shut up.

TONY (Walks up to calm EDDIE down) Nevermind, Eddie, let’s finish this game and get to the bar.

(He puts a hand on EDDIE’S shoulder to guide him back to the bench, but EDDIE shakes him off.)

EDDIE Nah, fuck that, Tony. It’s a fucking ball and he knows it. This guy’s been calling a shitty game all afternoon. (He yells back out to the field) How much they pay you, kid? Here, I’ll double it… (Starts pulling money out of his pocket)

TONY (Pleading) Eddie, c’mon, be cool.

EDDIE (Angrily) Shut the fuck up, Tony. (EDDIE reacts to apparent comments from UMP on the field) What? So what, throw me out the game. You gonna throw me out the fuckin’ park too?

TONY (Exasperated) Aw, fuck, Eddie, let it go. Let’s get out this inning and be done with this. Shit, it’s just a fucking softball game.

EDDIE (Talking to TONY over his shoulder) Then if it’s just a fucking game, go on home, Tony. I’m not letting this 22-year-old dickhead steal this game from me… us. (Talking to his team on the field) Everybody come in, get the fuck off the field. C’mon, now. Off the field.

TONY (Yelling out at team) You guys stay out there! (to EDDIE) Eddie, man, what the fuck? Your kid’s over there. Tone it down a little.

SIXTEEN INCH 21

EDDIE (Shouting to his team louder) Off the field, let’s go.

TONY (Shouting just as loud) Stay the fuck out there.

(Firmly) Eddie…

EDDIE Tony, be quiet… (to UMP) What? No, why don’t YOU sit down and shut up and…yeah, great, fuckin’ come over here. I wanna talk to you, too.

(UMP comes in from stage right, holding his mask in his hand. He stops only inches from EDDIE)

UMP Look, what the fuck’s your problem? Your pitcher threw a ball, it missed the right corner. Deal with it and let’s finish the fucking game, alright? (UMP starts to walk back to the field, but stops and turns back to EDDIE) And you pull your guys off the field, you forfeit, got it?

EDDIE (Condescendingly) Look, I’m sure you’re the smartest kid in your high school civics class, but you fucked up on that one.

(The UMP stops in his tracks and rolls his eyes skyward. He turns back to EDDIE)

UMP C’mon, man, I don’t need this shit, OK? I call a couple of games a week for thirty-five bucks. I’m working this game by myself, running around to make all calls. So I don’t need some drunk asshole yelling at me the whole time. This ain’t some grand event, some great game, it’s just fucking softball, OK? Just a fucking game invented by some fucking guy a long fucking time ago. (pause) And you can’t even see the ball from way the fuck over here. The guy walked, alright? Deal with it and sit your ass down.

(The UMP turns to walk back to the field)

TONY Yeah, alright, ump, it’s cool. (Puts a hand on EDDIE’S shoulder again) Fuck it. Eddie, c’mon.

SIXTEEN INCH 22

EDDIE (Brushes TONY’S hand off his shoulder) Fuck him…drunk asshole? Drunk asshole? Fuck some 22-year-old kid calling me drunk asshole.

(The UMP hears this and walks back to the bench)

UMP (calmly) 32.

EDDIE What? UMP I’m 32, not 22. But thanks for the compliment.

EDDIE (sneeringly) 32. I got socks older than 32

UMP (looking down at EDDIE’S feet) I don’t doubt that.

EDDIE Just call the fucking game straight, OK?

UMP (Points to the beer can in EDDIE’S hand) Try focusing on the game in the middle, OK?

EDDIE (starts to step to the UMP) I’m about to focus my foot on the middle of your…

TONY (interrupting EDDIE) Alright ump, c’mon, yell “play ball” or something. Let’s finish this shit.

(UMP walks back offstage and onto the field)

EDDIE (angrily) Fuck. Gimmie another beer.

TONY Why don’t you wait till we get back to the bar?

EDDIE What are you, my fuckin’ mother? Just gimmie the fucking beer, would you? (Shouting out the field)

SIXTEEN INCH 23

EDDIE (con’t) C’mon, Kev, get this fucker out. I mean, chick…sorry, lady…woman. Whatever, just get the batter out and let’s get outta here. Tony…the fuckin’ beer? C’mon, what’s the hold up?

TONY Alright, fuck. (Hands EDDIE a beer). You should take it easy, you gotta drive Mikey home, doncha?

EDDIE (Gulps beer) His mom’s coming to get him.

TONY Tami? Out here? She ain’t been to a game in…what? Years, I guess.

EDDIE Eh, she said she didn’t like all the drinking out here. She though we did more drinkin’ than softball. (slams beer and reaches for bottle of Jager) Besides, she don’t like softball no more.

TONY Too bad. She was pretty fuckin’ good. She was a damn good pitcher. (Looks around) Ain’t you worried she’s gonna be a pissed to see you a little…fucked up?

EDDIE Which is why she’s coming out to pick up Mikey. She knows we drink out here. I don’t drink at home no more so she lets me drink out here. (Shouting back at the field) Alright, good out. C’mon, one more, Kevin. C’mon, Big K, one more, get this bum out.

TONY She still talking about movin’?

EDDIE (Picks up bottle of liquor again and takes a gulp) Yeah, she’s tryin’ to tell me it’s time. Says the neighborhood is getting’ worse. She’s worried about Mikey with all of the little hoodlums running now. Even picked out a place.

TONY Where’s that?

EDDIE Some cookie-cutter house out in Melrose Park or some shit like that. Been showing me pictures and shit she’s downloaded from the internet. (Drinks beer) All the fucking houses next to it look exactly the fucking same. If I get drunk out there, I’m coming home to the wrong house for sure.

SIXTEEN INCH 24

TONY (laughs) You do that now.

EDDIE Yeah, but here, the neighbors just push me out and point me in the right direction. (turns to shout at field again) Aw, for fuck sake, Jimbo No. 2, catch the fucking ball. (stands up to walk to the edge of the stage) Go three, go three, get the guy at third… aw, shit.

TONY (slap clipboard on bench) Fuck.

EDDIE Shit and fuck

TONY No big deal. We’re still up a run. We can get this last out.

EDDIE (shouting) Kareem, shift over to the left. Kareem! Hey, Kareem! (Turns to speak to TONY) Why the fuck ain’t he moving?

TONY ‘Cause his name’s Kalifa, that’s why he’s not movin’. He’s told you, like, 17 times he won’t answer to nothing else but Kalifa.

EDDIE Oh for cryin’… (Pleadingly to the field) MISTER Kalifa, would you be so kind as to check the runner at second since he’s taking a big fuckin’ lead off the bag? Thank you, Mister KA-LEE-FA. (Walks back to bench) Geez, those people always got those weird ass names. What the fuck kind of name is Kalifa anyway?

TONY First of all, I’m half of “those people.

EDDIE Yeah, but, you know…

TONY And if you wanna know about weird ass names, I’ll go ask Stanislaus, Alphonse and Shamus.

SIXTEEN INCH 25

EDDIE You’re a funny fuckin’ guy, you know that? It ain’t the same and you know what I mean.

TONY What’s the difference?

EDDIE Cause them people make those names up. Kalifa, Shaquilla, Jamalquentella…

TONY Every name was made up at some time, Eddie. And a lot of names sound funny to somebody else.

EDDIE (Drinking beer) Who are you, the fucking U.N.?

TONY Stanislaus…now that’s a funny name.

EDDIE Ain’t nothing wrong with Stanislaus. It’s a…whachacallit…a traditional name. (Says the name with deliberation) Stanislaus…

TONY (slowly) Stanislaus… (laughs) Yeah, that’s a funny ass name

EDDIE (repeats the name thoughtfully) Stanislaus…

TONY (thoughtfully) Stanislaus.

EDDIE Stan’s a louse

TONY Stan The Louse.

EDDIE (laughing) Yeah, ok, that is a pretty fucked up name, and I’m fucking Polish. I got an uncle named Stanislaus, come to think of it. Makes everybody call him Stan and… (Gets off the bench and walks to edge of field again, shouting angrily) Aw, fuck, Bobby, dive for that. It’s OK to get your clothes dirty.

TONY We’re only up by one now.

SIXTEEN INCH 26

EDDIE (annoyed) I know that. They did teach math at Queen of Angels, you know.

TONY They mighta taught it but you weren’t there. My brother told me about you guys, cutting out of classes and wandering the halls, taking advantage of that poor old half-senile nun…

EDDIE Sr. Muselli. We usta call her Sr. Moose.

TONY …and telling her you that you and Gene weren’t cuttin’ class, that you two were out collectin’ for ….what the fuck was it again?

EDDIE The Croatian Children’s Soccer Shoe Fund. Your brother Gene’s up with that shit.

TONY Yeah, that sounds like Gino. Croatian Children’s Soccer Shoe Fund. Geez.

EDDIE How the hell were they going to check up on that? (EDDIE passes the bottle of whiskey to TONY, who takes it and drinks from it. He sighs heavily.) Yeah, your brother and me did some shit in those days. (pauses) What the fuck am I gonna do out in the fuckin’ ‘burbs, Tone?

TONY I dunno know, Eddie. That’s a whole ‘nother world from Sacramento and Montrose. You ask Tami why she wanna move?

EDDIE (distractedly) Nah, it ends up in a fight every time. (picks up can of beer, opens it and drinks) I say I wanna stay, she says wants to go, and – ding! - round one. So I stopped askin’.

TONY (looking over EDDIE’S shoulder) Well, you can ask her again. (gesturing) Here she comes now.

EDDIE (dejectedly) Fuck. (passes beer can to TONY) Hold this beer…

(TAMI enters from stage right. She walks up to EDDIE and TONY and surveys the array of beer cans and liquor bottles on the bench. She picks up the one nearest EDDIE.)

TAMI (sarcastically) Wow, there’s still something in this one. How’d you miss that?

SIXTEEN INCH 27

EDDIE (burps) I was getting to it.

TAMI (exaggerated exasperation) I married a classy guy here, Tony.

TONY I tried to warn ya. How you doin’, Tami?

TAMI I’m Ok, Tony. What’s up with you?

TONY Oh, I’m OK. A few problems, you know, but nothin’ really serious. Well, maybe a little serious…somethin’ I gotta work out, but that’s my problem and…

TAMI Tony, I really didn’t wanna know, I was just being polite is all. I came to talk to this one. (points a thumb at EDDIE)

TONY Ok…right, yeah. You two got, um, stuff to, um, talk about and… (senses TAMI wants him to shut up) Yeah, I’m gonna go … um … over there and watch the game and stuff. (TONY stands up and walks over to the edge of the field and looks out)

EDDIE I swear, that guy gets stranger every fucking year. (looks up at TAMI, then at beer on the bench next to him. He gives her a “what the fuck?” look and picks up beer and drinks hard)

TAMI It’s Wednesday, ya know.

EDDIE Wednesday. Got it. Day before Thursday, right? See, I ain’t that drunk.

TAMI It’s the Wednesday we’re supposed to go see the realtor in Melrose Park.

EDDIE Shit, today’s THAT Wednesday? Well, the game’s almost over. What time are we supposed to be out there?

TAMI 4:30.

EDDIE 4:30. What time’s it now?

TAMI 5:30.

SIXTEEN INCH 28

EDDIE (lightbulb) 5:30? Then we’re late, right?

TAMI (flat sarcasm) We are? Who knew 5:30 came after 4:30?

EDDIE Alright, alright, take it easy. Can we still make it out there or what?

TAMI Nah, It’s OK. I already called the guy and rescheduled it for next week. This’ll be the third time ya know.

EDDIE Well, I’m sorry, I’ve had some stuff to deal with.

TAMI (looks out at the field) Yeah, looks like some real important stuff too. (pause) At least tell me you’re winning.

EDDIE We’re up by one.

TAMI That’s it? (walks to edge of field and yells at players) Alright, let’s go, c’mon, look alive. Hey Jimbo, head’s up, this guy looks like he’s gonna slice it right to ya. Lookit the way he’s holding his bat, be alive out there! (she walks back to the bench and takes beer from EDDIE and takes a swig)

EDDIE (playfully) You wanna coach? You think you’re a better coach than me?

TAMI Baby, I KNOW I am. Better coach, better pitcher, better player period. I should be out here running this thing, not some old washed-up softball player like you. (playfully slaps cap on EDDIE’S head)

EDDIE (pause, then sincerity) I’m sorry. I really meant to get out there and sign the papers and shit. This game went on longer than I thought. You know I gotta be out here.

TAMI (puts arm around EDDIE’S shoulder) C’mon Eddie, you know you ain’t “gotta” do anything. Tony can sit out here and drink beer and yell dumb shit at grown men running around in the park.

EDDIE Yeah but I’m the coach.

SIXTEEN INCH 29

TAMI Of a bunch of guys who get together a coupla times a week to play softball and drink till they can barely run to first. You’re not getting paid for this, Eddie, it’s just softball.

EDDIE Oh, so it’s “just softball” now. I seem to recall you diving in the dirt and staying out there as long as it took to win.

TAMI (proudly) Yeah, well, I was a natural. (pause) But SOME of us grew the fuck up. SOME of us got kids now. In fact, I think you’re one of those people. (looks around) Speaking of which, where’s Mikey?

EDDIE (looking around) He was here a second ago. (yells) Mikey!

(offstage a kid’s voice is heard)

MIKEY What?

EDDIE Where the hell are you?

MIKEY I’m over here.

EDDIE Where the hell’s “over here?”

MIKEY Over HERE.

EDDIE Well, get your ass over here!

MIKEY I said I’m already over here.

TAMI Smart ass just like his dad. (yells) Mikey, get your ass over here!

MIKEY Ok…Jesus.

TAMI Wha’d I tell ya about using the Lord’s name like that? Now get your goddamn ass over here. (back to EDDIE) See, that’s why we gotta move.

SIXTEEN INCH 30

EDDIE What’re you talkin’t about?

TAMI (with worry) That. We can’t watch him all the time. He’s gonna go off on his own one of these days and, I dunno, get shot in a drive-by and you’ll be out here yelling at the ump about balls and strikes.

EDDIE OK, first of all, I NEVER yell at the ump about balls and strikes. And second: shot in a drive-by? We live in fucking Portage Park. When you ever seen a drive-by in Portage Park? What, Ol’ Lady Polovchek gonna come rollin’ down the street in her pimped out 1995 Ford Escort and squeeze off a few rounds?

TAMI The neighborhood’s getting rough, Eddie. I told you about it before.

EDDIE What, some guys hanging out in front of the corner store? Big deal. We usta do that too.

TAMI Yeah, but we at least used to move out of people’s way, show ‘em a little respect. These guys, it’s like they’re daring you to make them move off the sidewalk. The other week Wally Bobeck had to tell ‘em to move from in front of his own house and they had the nerve to get pissed off at him.

EDDIE Well, you gotta show em’ you ain’t afraid of ‘em. Tell ‘em to fuck off. Tell ‘em you’ll call the cops. That’s all it takes.

TAMI These punks ain’t afraid of the cops. Hell, most of ‘em probably already been in prison three or four times already.

EDDIE So? How many guys we grew up with been to jail?

TAMI Jail, Eddie, not prison. Big difference.

EDDIE Not to the guys in Cook County. They say that jail’s worse than Stateville.

TAMI Look, I didn’t come here to talk about how horrible the correction system is, I came here to find out why you can’t seem to make it out to Melrose Park to close the deal on this house.

EDDIE I’ll make it next time. I promise.

SIXTEEN INCH 31

TAMI No, you wont.

EDDIE I said I will.

TAMI (sadly) No, you won’t. You hate this idea, I know. (pauses and takes EDDIE’S hand) Look, I love you but…(composed sarcasm) I’m just gonna have to forge your signature, I guess.

EDDIE Hey, you can’t do that. It’s against the law. Twelfth amendment or some shit like that. I’ll have the cops pick you up. (scoff) Forge my signature…

TAMI Got news for you…it wouldn’t be the first time I done it. But if you wanna find out for sure, try not showing up next week.

EDDIE (turns to look at TAMI) What's so great about this house? What’s it got, golden fucking stairs and a swimming pool in the hallway…excuse me, foyer.

TAMI Stop being a dick, Eddie. It’s an ordinary fucking house in a good fucking neighborhood.

EDDIE We already live in a good fucking neighborhood.

TAMI No, we don’t. Our neighborhood’s going to shit and if we wanna make any money off of our place, we gotta sell now.

(TONY walks back to the bench)

TONY Hey, um, sorry to interrupt but they got a man on third and their best hitter’s up? You want me to shift some guys around or somethin’? If they get a hit, we’re in extra innings.

EDDIE Nah, this guys gonna pop out to left. He likes to try and kill the ball when he thinks he can drive a guy in. Tell Jimbo No. 2 to be ready.

TONY Gotcha

EDDIE (yelling to men on the field) C’mon, fellas, let’s win this game and get the fuck outta here. Let’s get this last out.

SIXTEEN INCH 32

TAMI How come you can be so decisive on a stupid game that doesn’t matter but on something involving the future of your son you drag your feet?

EDDIE Maybe I’m not bein’ indecisive. Maybe I already made up my mind but you’re not listening.

TAMI We’re moving, Eddie. (she turns his head toward her) Hey, look at me. Done. Deal. (gives him a peck on the lips)

EDDIE Yeah, done deal. Right.

TAMI Eddie, you’re gonna let go of this place. You’re gonna do it for your son. You’re gonna do it for me. OK?

EDDIE Ok. You said it’s a done deal, so it’s a done deal. We’re moving. We’re leaving the neighborhood. Fine. Now let me finish this game, OK?

TAMI (mocking EDDIE) “Now let me finish this game, OK?” Don’t sound so happy about it. (softening) Look, I know we’ve been living in the neighborhood a long time. But sometimes you just gotta go. Sometimes, things gotta change. If they don’t, they might just get worse.

EDDIE (drinks beer) (sighs, then looks with resignation at TAMI) Yeah, ok, so we gotta change. (takes her hand, squeezes it, then lets go) I’ll be there, we’ll change, everything’ll be super-duper. Next Wednesday, right?

TAMI Next Wednesday. (pause) I’m taking Mikey home. You can catch a ride or take the el, OK? (yells to Mikey offstage) Mikey! Let’s go.

MIKEY Inna minute, OK?

TAMI Get down from there, you wanna break your neck?

MIKEY Sure, why not?

SIXTEEN INCH 33

TAMI Don’t get smart, ya hear me? (To EDDIE) We’re having pot roast for dinner.

EDDIE (cheering to field) Alright, great catch! Way to go, Jimbo No. 2. Good win, fellas, good win. Fuck yeah! (calmly, to TAMI) Yeah, pot roast, got it. Fine with me. (pause) You got any of them pearl onions you can throw in there?

TAMI Yeah, I think so. I can throw some in there.

EDDIE Good. (pause) Sorry. (reaches out and hold TAMI’S hand for a second as TONY returns to the bench)

TONY Good call, Eddie. Jimbo No. 2 didn’t even have to move. Ball came right at him. One win from the playoffs, baby! (High-fives EDDIE and goes to high-five TAMI who reluctantly agrees)

TAMI Good job, Tony. (to EDDIE) See? They can get along fine without your undivided attention.

(Other players enter from field and high-five and celebrate. A few who are acquainted with TAMI greet her as well)

(to EDDIE) I’ll see you at home. (TAMI kisses EDDIE again and begins to head off stage while calling for MIKEY) Mikey, I said NOW!

(TONY waits until TAMI leaves and speaks to EDDIE)

TONY Everything cool?

EDDIE Yeah, everything’s cool. Everything’s fine. We’re almost in the playoffs. One more win…

TONY No, I meant cool with you and Tami. You guys sound like you were getting a little loud over here. ‘Bout that movin’ shit again?

EDDIE Talk about somethin’ else, OK? Didn’t you wanna talk about somethin’ earlier?

SIXTEEN INCH 34

TONY Naw…well, yeah…I mean…you know…yeah, I wanted to… you know…

EDDIE Goddamit, Tony, will you spit it out? Geez, you been hemmin’ and hawin’ since you were 10. What?

TONY Look, I just wanted to say, you’re like, you know, my brother and stuff, since my brother ain’t around no more and, well, I kinda feel like I gotta tell somebody…you know…something…

EDDIE C’mon, Tony, I gotta be in Melrose Park by next Wednesday.

TONY Look, Eddie, I’m… I’m….

EDDIE You’re what, Tony?

TONY I’m…

(TONY’S cell phone rings again. He answers it and has to shout above the noise and high-fiving and general shit-talking)

What?... yeah, we won. What?...they’re celebrating and high-fiving and shit. …High fiving… HIGH FIVING…It’s when you raise your hand and slap it against another guy’s…(laughs, then composed again) No, it’s not a sex thing… (TONY doesn’t notice that players have quieted down a bit and are listening.) Yes, it’s called softball and, yes, guys use their bats, but it’s not… geez, Cesar… (notices others are listening)…ina, um, Cesarina. I gotta go. Yeah, I love you too…(again, realizes others are listening)…um, yeah, the band U2, my favorite. Irish guys, right? Later. Gotta go.

(TONY turns off phone. Team is silent. After a few beats, EDDIE speaks).

EDDIE (flatly) That was Tony’s bookie. (Walks over to Tony) Talk later, right?

TONY Um, yeah, sure, later.

(TONY and EDDIE walk off stage together. Other players slowly begin to walk off individually)

SIXTEEN INCH 35

ACT 2, SCENE 2 WAVELAND PARK SOFTBALL FIELD

(It is early morning on Saturday, July 11, 2009. TONY, wearing a blue t-shirt, walks on stage and sits on a bench, writing out the lineup. A man approaches him quietly from behind, attempting to sneak up on him. The man approaches TONY and bends down to attempt to kiss him on the cheek. TONY notices as the last second and jumps up, startled.)

TONY (slightly angry) What the hell, Cesar? Don’t do that, OK.

CESAR What? There’s nobody around.

TONY Well, they’ll be here inna minute.

CESAR So?

TONY So, just … you know… don’t do that, OK? Not here, OK?

(CESAR gets visibly upset, then seems to calm down)

CESAR Sorry, OK. I know what’s going on here, but after last night I… well, I was feeling like maybe we we’re getting near the point where…

TONY (apologetic) No, sorry, I didn’t mean it that way. I mean, yeah, I kinda did, but not… Look, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped like that. (pause) I had a good time last night, you know? I mean, me … us walking down the street holding hands and stuff.

CESAR Well, it was North Halsted, so you weren’t exactly making a Stonewall statement.

TONY Yeah, I know, Boystown. What two guys DON’T hold hands there, right? But you know, for me it was a big fucking step.

CESAR I know. That’s why I thought things were moving to the next level.

SIXTEEN INCH 36

TONY They are, but… (laughs) But yeah, you scared the shit outta me a little. This is Chicago, ya know. You don’t sneak behind somebody and kiss ‘em. That’s a good way to get capped.

CESAR Capped?

TONY Shot.

CESAR (faking shock) Shot? You’re going to shoot me? You got a gun?

TONY No, of course I don't have a gun, smart guy.

CESAR (still faking shock) Then, I’m not getting … capped, is it? … am I? (sight of relief) Oh, thank God. Because that would be a hate crime. Wait, would it? I mean, you’re gay too so… I’m gonna have to do the math on that.

TONY Want me to get you a pencil and paper? (pause) Seriously, sorry. I guess I’m still a little… you know, not all the way there yet. I know it's been a while now.

CESAR Well, since YOU brought it up, it has been six months.

TONY Seven.

CESAR Seven months? You’ve been counting? Wow. Well, I guess I should appreciate that.

TONY Hey, I think about things. I’m not a total asshole, you know.

CESAR No, no, you're not an asshole. Or at least a total one. (pause) But I take it you haven’t told anybody on your little team here.

TONY No. I almost did but…I don’t know. (Pause) But I’m gonna do it. Soon. Promise.

CESAR Don’t promise. Just do it the way you want to do it. Like you did with the people at my office.

SIXTEEN INCH 37

TONY Whaddya you talking about? What people at your office?

CESAR The people at my office. When you come by for lunch sometimes? They know. You didn’t know that? They ask me about you.

TONY They know we’re, like, together and stuff?

CESAR And stuff.

TONY Huh. Yeah, well, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I mean, they know you, I come down there to see you, one plus one equal two.

CESAR See? You’re doing the math already. They said they can tell by the way you come in the door. Smiling.

TONY I come in smiling? Huh. I thought I had my tough city-guy face on when I walk in there.

CESAR Nope. Smiling. Like a stupid schoolboy.

TONY (pause) Eh, fuck it. Who cares if they know, right? Yeah, OK, I smile when I come downtown to your office. (puts arm around CESAR) That’s no surprise. (takes arm from around CESAR) But out here…I mean, this’ll change everything.

CESAR Well, sometimes change is good.

TONY You don’t know. These are some old school guys out here.

CESAR Well, just tell one person. Tell that one friend of yours, what’s his name?...

TONY Who, Eddie? Yeah, I tried, but…it’s not the right time. I mean, he’s like my brother and stuff, ‘specially after my real brother died and all. He sorta took care of me. Took me to my first bar…hell, took me to my first strip club.

CESAR (sarcastically) Ha! I bet you had a great time there. (excitedly) Did you touch a stripper breast? I bet you did! You touched a stripper breast, didn’t you? What was it like? Did it feel like silicone or was it natural one? Wait, two.

SIXTEEN INCH 38

TONY (laughs) Actually, it was kinda hard. (serious again) But for real, it’s hard telling somebody that sorta raised you that you’re not exactly what they think you are.

CESAR Trust me, you’re exactly who he thinks you are. You said it yourself, he’s like a brother to you. If you can’t tell a person who’s like a brother to you that you like a man…

TONY Geez, do you have to say it that way? That sounds so…

CESAR There’s really no other way to say it. Unless you have something better.

TONY I don’t know… Just a guy who likes… people…who, you know, aren’t, like, women.

CESAR A guy who likes people who aren’t women. (pause) You failed creative writing in school, didn’t you?

TONY (laughs louder) You’re killin’ me here. No, I mean… Look, I tried to, really. I almost said something but… I will, OK?

CESAR How about today? Not that I’m pushing you or anything…

TONY (sarcasm) No, you’re not pushing me at all. (pause) I’ll see, OK? Best I can do. Don’t count on it or nothin’, OK?

CESAR I won’t. (pause) I love you. (puts hand on TONY’S shoulder for a second)

TONY Yeah. Um. Ditto. I mean, yeah, love you and stuff.

CESAR (flatly) Be still my heart.

TONY C’mon, you know I’m not like that even when we’re by ourselves. But, yeah, I ... do. I mean, you make me laugh, which most people can’t do. We’ve been places I normally wouldn’t go, seen things I haven't seen before. And it's cool. Really cool. It’s like… I’m doing thing I always thought about doing but didn't know how, or with who. But you… You make me feel like … me. I know I’m not saying it the right way, but…

SIXTEEN INCH 39

CESAR (smiling) You’re actually saying it pretty good. And it makes me feel good. It’s OK. (pause, looks around) Well, at least I get to come out here and see you play out here.

TONY I don’t play, I keep score.

CESAR Just keep score … right. That’s why you’re here two, sometimes three times a week?

TONY Hey, you gotta have a scorekeeper. You don’t even know the game. They probably didn’t play this in Guatemala, did they?

CESAR So what? It’s softball, right? I’ve seen the guys in the park playing this game. (looks around) Where’s your glove thing?

TONY (outraged) Oh, for crying… This is 16 inch, Cesar. You don’t play the game with a mitt. This is how the game started. That other shit you’ve been watchin’, that 12-inch shit? That ain’t softball.

CESAR Sure, it is. They hit the ball, they run, sometimes somebody catches it in the glove thing…

TONY Mitt.

CESAR Mitt, glove, hand-warmer, whatever. It’s the same thing.

TONY No, it’s not and don’t let anybody here hear you say that. Geez, that might be worse than tellin’ em we’re…well, anyway, just don’t call the two games the same.

CESAR So, because the ball’s a little smaller, it’s completely different. Got it.

TONY It’s more than that. It’s the way we play it in Chicago. Like New York has stickball, we got 16-inch softball. It’s our game.

CESAR Stickball? Fuck, how old are you?

TONY OK, wiseguy, maybe they usta play it, I dunno. But here, it’s just you, a bat and a ball. No mitt. You just take the bat and hit the ball.

SIXTEEN INCH 40

CESAR (sarcastically) Really? You hit the ball with the bat and not the other way around? (pause, then turns TONY’S head toward his) Sarcasm!

TONY (sigh) You know, I usually like how much of a smart-alec you are but, now…

CESAR Whatever. Stickball, 12-inch softball, 16-inch softball. You should all just play football…sorry, soccer. It’s the same game all over the world. I played it when I was a kid and I was pretty fucking good, too.

TONY Well, here, soccer’s for the ‘burbs. In Chicago, it’s 16 inch. Real softball, OK?

CESAR OK, fine. So, can I stay then and watch some of your real softball?

TONY I don’t know… the guys…

CESAR What, you think I’m going embarrass you? You want me to bro it up or something? (speaks in exaggerated stereotypical frat boy voice) Yeah, OK, dude, right on, man. High five and fist bump and shit. Totally awesome. Let’s kick some ass and win some softball.

TONY Aw, jeez. Just watch the game and be cool.

CESAR OK, fine. So who am I supposed to be?

TONY What?

CESAR Who am I supposed to be? You don’t want me to be your boyfriend, do you? TONY I don’t know…just be a guy from work or something.

CESAR Fine. I’m Cesar, the guy from work…who you’re having sex with on the side.

TONY Can you stop sayin’ “sex” please. C’mon, just be cool, OK?

(Voices of arriving players are heard offstage.)

SIXTEEN INCH 41

CESAR Alright, alright, I’ll be cool… bro.

(EDDIE, JIMBO, JIMBO NO. 2, VAL and KALIFA walk up)

JIMBO Yo, Tony? What’s shakin’?

JIMBO NO. 2 Big Tony, what’s up, my man? Where’s your shirt?

TONY In the laundry. (to others) What’s up, fellas? Eddie, how’s it goin’?

EDDIE Another day, another fifty cents. (looks over at CESAR)

TONY Oh, hey, this is my buddy Cesar…from work.

(EDDIE, JIMBO, JIMBO NO. 2, VAL and KALIFA greet him)

CESAR Hey, how’s everybody doin’?

EDDIE Everybody’s fine there…Cesar is it?

JIMBO NO. 2 Like Julius Cesar?

CESAR No, Cesar. (pronounces it “Say-zar”)

KALIFA Like Cesar Romero, right?

CESAR Something like that. And what are your names?

JIMBO

Jimbo.

JIMBO NO. 2 Jimbo No. 2

SIXTEEN INCH 42

CESAR Jimbo and Jimbo No. 2? Well, THAT’S unusual, isn’t it? Two guys named Jimbo. And how did that little peculiarity come about?

TONY ‘Cause nearly every bar in Chicago’s got a guy named Jimbo. Our bar had two, so one was Jimbo and one was Jimbo No. 2. (Points to JIMBO) He’s just Jimbo because he was there first.

CESAR Fascinating. (He looks to KALIFA) And you are…?

KALIFA Kalifa.

CESAR Well, that name sounds regal, like some proud African prince. You must have some royal lineage. What’s the derivation of that name?

KALIFA The what?

CESAR The derivation, the origin…where’s the name come from?

KALIFA Um…my mother?

CESAR No, I mean…Where does your family line begin? I’m guessing one of the powerful tribes of Africa. The Masaii, the Asante of Southern Ghana, the Mbole of the Congo…

KALIFA The Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas.

CESAR Oh. Well, that’s interesting too. (turns to VAL) And your name is …?

VAL Val. (extends hand to shake with CESAR)

CESAR Well, I didn’t know let women play on the same time. I thought it was just a big ol’ man thing.

SIXTEEN INCH 43

VAL Yeah, they needed somebody who knew what they were doing out there. (rest of team scoffs good-naturedly)

CESAR You must be very good, then.

VAL I do alright.

CESAR Have you been playing long?

VAL A while. You start playing when you're a kid…in the park, on the street. Then when you’re old enough, or sometimes not even, you join a bar team.

CESAR Well, let me just say “congratulations” to you for getting out there showing that women can do this just as well as men.

VAL Um, I’m not really breaking any ground here. I mean a lot of women play…

CESAR Well, you should still be proud. You’re probably breaking some kind of ground.

JIMBO So, what is it exactly you do at Streets and San?

CESAR Oh, a little of everything I guess. Inventory. That's how Tony and I met. We work pretty closely together.

KALIFA Close, huh? How close?

TONY (nervously) Not that close. Cesar works at City Hall and I work at the Northwest Side district office.

CESAR Yes, but our work involves a lot of personal interaction. We’re like partners, even. On the job, I mean. Nose to the grindstone and all of that.

EDDIE Uh-huh. You play softball?

SIXTEEN INCH 44

CESAR Oh, no, I’ve never played. But Tony talks about it so much that I just had to see it for myself. So this is 16 inch, correct? EDDIE Um, yeah.

CESAR Why do they call it that?

TONY ‘Cause the ball’s 16 inches round.

CESAR Duh. Left my brain at home I guess.

JIMBO Like this… (Tosses CESAR a ball)

CESAR (examining ball) OK, so that’s a 16-inch softball. So this is what you been playing with all this time?

KALIFA Man, who is this guy? He ain’t never seen a softball before?

TONY C’mon, guys, can you go warm up or something?

CESAR Yes, go play your 16 inch. I’ll just sit here and watch.

JIMBO NO. 2 (whispering to TONY) Where do you know this guy from again?

TONY From work. Look, can we focus on the game? If we don’t win, we’re out. Eddie, c’mon, get these guys ready.

EDDIE Alright, fellas, you heard ‘em. Let’s warm up and kick some ass (the members of the team leave the bench area and head to the field to warm up)

(To TONY) Where the fuck is Ryan?

TONY I dunno, he…wait, here he comes. (Ryan comes running, out of breath, carrying a gym bag.)

SIXTEEN INCH 45

RYAN ‘Sup!

EDDIE (mimicking RYAN) ‘Sup there, Ryan.

RYAN Man, had an AWESOME day today.

EDDIE Oh, jeez.

RYAN Got to work – BAM – boss gives me the big slap on the back for my sweet-ass rework on a restructuring report. Jenny in HR wants to go out Saturday night – BAM – gonna NAIL that, bro. Then the bank OKd the loan for the new condo – BAM – Gold Coast livin’, wassup bitches! So, I’m pumped, I’m ready. C’mon, let’s go, let’s play this fuckin’ game, I’m ready to do this! Let’s kick some fuckin’ ass!

CESAR Well, this one’s ready to go. Alright, go kick butt! Or ass, whatever the proper softball terminology is.

RYAN (to CESAR) ‘Sup, dude. Ryan. (reached out to shake CESAR’S hand)

TONY This is Cesar. He just a friend from work.

CESAR Yes, I’m Cesar, JUST friend from work.

TONY Yeah, Cesar. A friend from work.

EDDIE So we’ve established he’s a friend from work. C’mon, Ryan, go warm up. You’re playing first today.

RYAN Right on, coach. Let’s do this shit! (charges off toward the field)

CESAR Wow, this is sort of exciting. When do you go in, Tony?

TONY I don’t play. I keep the lineup, the stats and stuff.

SIXTEEN INCH 46

CESAR It doesn't seem fair you don't get to play. You seem like you’d be a good 16-inch softball player.

TONY Well, today, I’m keeping the stats. That’s pretty important too.

CESAR Well, that’s good. We can sit here and talk. When you’re not keeping stats, I mean.

TONY Yeah, well, look, Cesar, I’m going to be pretty busy keeping stats and I’m not gonna be able to talk much so...

EDDIE Nah, nah, Tony, I’ll keep the stats. You and Cesar, you talk. I’m sure you got a lot to talk about. Maybe we do too?...

TONY Look, Eddie, it’s not what you… I mean, it’s…

EDDIE Tony…shaddup, OK? I get it, OK? I’m not that fucking stupid. You two…work together. Terrific, whatever. I’ve known a lot of guys who…worked together. You think I didn’t think you…worked? I knowed you…worked… ever since you were in high school. You think me and your brother couldn’t tell you…worked?

TONY Yeah, but it’s not..

EDDIE He knew. And he knew in our neighborhood a guy who…worked…would have it rough. Asked me to keep an eye on you. You were his kid brother…hell, you were my kid brother. Yeah, I knew. I mean I tried to find out for sure. Remember that strip club?

TONY Yeah. The Admiral. What a dump that was.

EDDIE You were the most uncomfortable person with a naked broad on his lap I’d ever seen. She rubbed her tits in your face and you acted like she’d slapped you in the mug with an alewife.

TONY Naw, I was just…

SIXTEEN INCH 47

EDDIE You was just sittin’ there pretending you were having the greatest time of your life. Had that stupid smile plastered on your face and yellin’ stupid shit. “Wow, she’s got some nice breasts, huh, Eddie?” Nice breasts? Who the hell says that at a strip club? Ta-tas, hooters, puppies…

CESAR Puppies? Seriously? You said that?

EDDIE …anything but breasts. So, yeah, Tony, I kinda figured...

TONY So…why didn’t ya say nothin’?

EDDIE What was I gonna say? “Hey, Tony, you gone fag on me?” (looks at CESAR) No offense there, Cesar.

CESAR (a bit miffed) Why would I be offended? Sounds like something a perfectly reasonable, compassionate person would say.

EDDIE I wasn’t the most enlightened person back then. Had you flat out told me 10, maybe 20 years ago, I mighta told you just keep it outta my face. But, you know, things change. You like this guy? Hey, great. Knock yourself out. I ain’t got time to worry about that, you know. Yeah, shit changes and stuff that seemed important ain’t important no more. (pause) You know?

TONY Yeah, I know. Um, Eddie, I…

EDDIE Now that don’t mean that the rest of them guys out there is as sophisticated as me. Not sayin’ they’re gonna do anything stupid, but don’t be surprised if you get the cold shoulder.

TONY Why don’t we just not say nothin’…for right now.

EDDIE Fine by me.

CESAR (peeved) Well, I’m glad it’s fine by both of you. I’ll just sit here and enjoy everything being fine the way it is.

SIXTEEN INCH 48

TONY Cesar, c’mon…

CESAR I’m fine. We’re fine. Everybody’s fine. Continue talking with your sorta brother. I’m fine.

TONY Eddie…

EDDIE Whoa, “Eddie” nothing… Don’t “Eddie” me on this one. I ain’t got nothin’ to do with your thing going on here. OK, fine, you want my opinion: at least wait until after the game, OK? We got enough problems with these jamokes not keeping their head in the game without them trying to figure out what’s going on with you two.

CESAR What’s to figure out? They know him. They met me. How hard is it for them to wrap their heads around him AND me?

TONY See, it’s stuff like that that makes it hard…

CESAR Well, it’s not like I’m gonna give them details of what we do. Although if you think that would help…

EDDIE Ok, I’m out. I gotta game to think about. C’mon, Tony, game time. Let’s focus.

TONY Cesar…chill, OK?

CESAR OK, OK. I’m “chilled.” But we can test the waters after the game. Nothing elaborate but…

TONY Yeah, maybe, sure, OK.

(lights go down as sound the of the game are heard. There are a few cheers, a few groans, balls being hit. Occasionally, CESAR is heard cheering sort of untimely and more vocally than anyone else. The lights come back up as the game enters the seventh and final inning with the Longballers trailing by two runs. Since they are up to bat, the team members are sitting on the bench, except JIMBO, who is on second base. CESAR is texting on his cell phone.)

EDDIE (shouting to the field) Hey, ump, c’mon, lookit how flat he’s throwing that ball. Tell ‘em to put some arc on that ball. C’mon, call the game right. No arc, it’s a ball. Call it right, OK? Don’t screw us on this.

SIXTEEN INCH 49

TONY Tone it down a little, Eddie. League rules: Lay off the ump.

EDDIE Ah, screw the league rules. There should be a rule against the ump being a moron, too.

TONY Eddie, c’mon, he mighta heard that.

EDDIE Good. Morons need to hear they’re morons once in a while. (Looks at CESAR) Ain’t that right, Cesar?

CESAR (Cesar stops texting on his cellphone) Hmmm? Oh, you know it, honey.

JIMBO NO. 2 Honey? Did he just call you “honey”?

CESAR No, I said…homeboy. You know it, homeboy…

KALIFA (slight whisper) Sure sounded like “honey” to me. (To EDDIE) Yo, I think old boy just called you “honey.”

VAL So what? He called him “honey.”

EDDIE Yeah, so what? What, you don’t think I’m a sweet guy?

KALIFA I think you’re another bland ass white boy, but that’s beside the point.

EDDIE Well, that’s what we do on my side of town. We call each other “honey.” It’s no big deal to us. I heard you guys call each other “baby.” (Imitates cool black voice) “S’up, baby?” “Hey, baby, what’s shakin’” “Ain’t nothing but a thang, baby?” That’s OK, but “honey” ain’t?

KALIFA OK, first of all, I ain’t never said no “Ain’t nothin’ but a thang.” This ain’t the ‘70s and I ain’t Jimmie “J.J.” Walker, motherfucker. But “baby” is different. “Baby” is cool. “Honey” is…

EDDIE What?

SIXTEEN INCH 50

KALIFA Kinda, like,… gay.

EDDIE Gay? Nah, you’re crazy. We usta call each other “honey” all the time. Right, Tony? TONY Uh, sure.

EDDIE Sure. Watch this… (yells out to the field) Hey, ump, honey, c’mon, make the pitcher arc the ball. (yelling to JIMBO on second) Jimbo, honey, take a little lead off second, distract the pitcher a little, OK, honey?

CESAR C’mon, honey, smack that ball till the cows come home. Bring that sweet baby on in.

EDDIE Hey, honey, you’re playing a little too shallow in left. You better back it up, honey.

VAL Alright, Jimbo, honey, watch that pitch and be ready to take off

JIMBO NO. 2 (confused but participating) Hey…um…honey at…um…second, better watch our honey runner, he’s about to take off for third…um…honey.

TONY C’mon, Jimbo, c’mon, honey, bring it on home.

JIMBO (offstage) What the hell are you guys doing over there? (chatter dies down. EDDIE looks at KALIFA as if what has just happened is the most normal thing in the world)

KALIFA Y’all some crazy ass white boys, you know that, right? Soon as this season’s over I’m going back to the South Side. Ain’t none of this “honey” shit going on out there. We just play some ball and talk shit about each other…

VAL (finishing KALIFA’S sentence) ...And women and girls and any other female out there. Bunch of misogynist bullshit. That’s why I stopped playing out there. I was either piece of ass or a “dyke” when they couldn't get anywhere with me.

SIXTEEN INCH 51

KALIFA Aw, c’mon, now, Val, it ain’t like that all the time.

VAL It was and it is. Nothing out there changes. Look at you right now, getting all bent out of shape because some guy called another guy “honey.”

CESAR Well, honey, ain’t nothing wrong with calling somebody “honey.” Right, Tony?

TONY Um…nah, I guess not. I mean, I don’t know. I guess not.

KALIFA (looks at CESAR and TONY with a suspicious eye) Co-workers, huh? Yeah, OK. I had an uncle who was a “co-worker”. Ain’t nothing wrong with being a “co-worker”. Just not my chosen occupation, you dig? But I didn’t know ol’ Tony here worked in that “office.”

EDDIE Yeah, well if he does, what’s the big fucking deal?

TONY Hey, Eddie, c’mon, you ain’t gotta…

EDDIE Shut the fuck up, Tony. (to KALIFA) Yeah, so if Tony’s a “co-worker”, what’s the big fucking deal?

KALIFA Nothin’. Just that I been playing softball with the man and ain’t knowed that about him.

EDDIE And that changes things…how? Yeah, OK, you mighta been playing softball with a “co- worker”. They got a whole league of “co-workers” that play softball out here on the weekend. I bet it ain’t the first time you played softball with a “co-worker.”

KALIFA You’d lose that bet, brother. I play on the South Side.

EDDIE What’s that s’pposed to mean?

KALIFA It means that REAL men play ball on the South Side. Everybody knows that.

EDDIE Bullshit. You telling me there ain’t no gay guys playing softball on the South Side? Not one?

SIXTEEN INCH 52

KALIFA Nope.

VAL Ha!

EDDIE You’re so fulla shit. No gay guys on the South Side…

KALIFA Well not “none.” Just no gay guys that play softball.

JIMBO NO. 2 Wait…gay? Who’s talking about gay?

EDDIE We are, genius.

JIMBO NO. 2 When? I thought we was talking about co-workers.

EDDIE Yeah, “co-workers”. As in “gay”. As in “co-workers” was code for “gay”.

JIMBO NO. 2 Oooooohhhhh!... (looks to KALIFA) So when you said “co-workers” you meant… (turns to EDDIE) …and when YOU said “co-workers”, you meant…. (turns to CESAR) …and when YOU said “co-worker”, you meant… (subdued) …ohhhhhh… (suddenly realizes what the conversation is about) …OHHHHHHHH…. (turns to look at TONY and exclaims loudly) ….OHHHHHHHHH….

EDDIE (mocking JIMBO NO. 2) Ohhhhhhhh…light bulb just came on, huh, Jimbo No. 2?

JIMBO NO. 2 Nah, I just…I mean, Tony… Really?

TONY (standing) Yeah, Jimbo No. 2. So what? What about it?

SIXTEEN INCH 53

JIMBO NO. 2 Nothin’, Tone. I just didn’t know you was an… “employee”.

EDDIE Co-worker.

JIMBO NO. 2 Co-worker, whatever. Nah, no big deal. Just we been playing together for a few years now and I figured I knew. Nah, it’s no big deal. (TO TONY) So you’re, like, gay an’ all. Terrific. Happy for you and… (looks at CESAR) Is this the…um…the guy you…um…you know, you two…

TONY (musters up his nerves and speaks, mocking JIMBO NO. 2) Yeah, this, um, is the, um, guy who, um, you know… Anything else you, um, wanna know?

(sound of small crowd cheering at action in the game is heard0

JIMBO NO. 2 Nah, like I said, it’s no big deal to me. I’m a little bit more worldly that you guys think I am. Hey, I been to New York City and…

CESAR I hate to break up this Afterschool Special but I think something’s happening in your 16- inch softball game

(Team members look to the field)

JIMBO NO. 2 Whoa, way to go, Ryan! That’s it, knock the shit outta that ball!

EDDIE Jimbo’s gonna score from second easy. We’re tied, baby.

CESAR Honey.

EDDIE Yeah, alright, honey, whatever.

KALIFA (shouting out to the field) C’mon, Ryan, move them big ass feet. Go third! (to EDDIE) Man, that motherfucker’s slow even by white boy standards. He’s running like he’s on Mars or something.

JIMBO NO. 2 Ten bucks says he passes out between second and third.

SIXTEEN INCH 54

EDDIE You ain’t got ten bucks.

JIMBO NO. 2 That’s how confident I am. TONY (shouting out to the field) Ryan, here comes the throw. Hit the dirt, Ryan! Slide!

KALIFA Slide, white boy, slide!

JIMBO NO. 2 Yeah, slide, white boy, slide!

VAL C’mon, Ryan, let’s go!

CESAR Slide, honey, slide! (silence for a few seconds) Did he make it?

EDDIE Wait for it, the ump’s coming down to call it… (silence, then UMP off-stage yells “Safe”. All erupt in cheers.) Fuck yeah!

KALIFA (shouting to field) Didn’t think you had it in you, ya slow-ass…

CESAR (to TONY) That’s good, right?

TONY Yeah, we’re only down a run now. If Ryan scores from third, the game is tied and we still got a shot at the playoffs.

(JIMBO returns to the bench after scoring, getting high fives and slaps on the back)

CESAR This is so exciting. Like Top Chef or something. I should have come out here a long time ago. (runs over and hugs JIMBO) Congratulations, Jimbo!

SIXTEEN INCH 55

JIMBO Yeah, thanks. Now who the hell are you again?

EDDIE A co-worker of Tony’s.

JIMBO NO. 2 Yeah, a “co-worker” (JIMBO NO. 2 winks at JIMBO)

JIMBO What the fuck you winking at me for?

JIMBO NO. 2 You know…”co-worker”… (winks again, more deliberate this time)

JIMBO (pause, and looks at JIMBO NO. 2 even more puzzled) Sorry, still not getting’ it.

JIMBO NO. 2 They work together…(speaks slowly)…work…to…ge…ther… Co-workers????

JIMBO Still nothin’, Jimbo No. 2 and talkin’ slow ain’t helping Look, just wanted to know why this guy was huggin’ me.

VAL Looked, you scored a run and a guy congratulated you with a hug. It happens. Get over it and just watch the game.

TONY Alright, one run, all’s we need is one run to tie it up. Bobby’s up.

EDDIE Be ready, Ryan. It’s two outs, run on anything. (to batter at plate) C’mon, Bobby, bring ‘em home, tie this thing up.

(EDDIE begins pacing)

KALIFA Wait for your pitch, baby. Honey…whatever the fuck you are.

JIMBO NO. 2 (to JIMBO) See, they work together, right? So they’re …co-workers…

SIXTEEN INCH 56

JIMBO Jimbo No. 2…the game?

UMP (offstage) Strike one!

TONY That’s OK, Bobby, that’s one strike. Wait for your pitch.

KALIFA (to field) It’s your game, it’s your time. Be a hitter…

JIMBO C’mon, Bobby, be strong.

JIMBO NO. 2 (shouting) Goddammit, he’s a CO-WORKER!!! You know, one-a “those” guys. (to CESAR) No offense.

CESAR None taken since I really don’t know what you’re talking about.

EDDIE Goddamn, I want this.

TONY Yeah, I know, Eddie.

KALIFA Here it comes, big Bobby. It’s a fat pitch.

TONY Shit, foul tip. Strike two…

EDDIE (alarmed and shouting to the field) Whoa, wait…RYAN! What the fuck are you doing??

TONY Shit! Ryan, get the fuck back to third!!

JIMBO No, too fucking late. He’s too far down the line. GO! GO!

EDDIE What the fuck is he doing???

SIXTEEN INCH 57

KALIFA Run, dumbass, pick up them big ass feet…

CESAR Should he be doing that?

TONY Hit the dirt, Ryan!

EDDIE Slide!! (everyone is yelling “slide” and “get down!” The yelling builds and suddenly stops)

JIMBO NO. 2 (shouting to JIMBO) HE’S A HOMOSEXUAL, OK?

(The lights go dim to end Act 2.)

SIXTEEN INCH 58

ACT 2, SCENE 1 FARRAGUT BOAT CLUB, NOVEMBER 1887 It is a few weeks after Thanksgiving. Farragut Boat Club members GEORGE and JAMES are in the club’s gymnasium. GEORGE is scribbling notes on a piece of paper while JAMES watches.

GEORGE Well, a uniform playing area is out of the question, I’m afraid.

JAMES And why’s that?

GEORGE Well, not all gymnasiums are the same dimensions, are they? If it’s going to succeed, everyone will have to adapt.

JAMES Ah, good thinking there, Georgie. Best to focus on the rules of play then.

GEORGE Exactly. But there will still need to be an umpire. (EDWARD and JOSEPH enter the gym) A man of dedication to maintain the rules and keep decorum.

EDWARD Speaking of me again, I see.

JAMES Hardly. We’re putting the finishing touches on George’s game. The rules.

EDWARD Still? God, man, it’s been a week. Just utilize the rules baseball be done with it.

GEORGE While your skills as an architect make it clear you’re fine unoriginality, creating rules for a new sport like indoor baseball is a bit more complicated. (JAMES chuckles, EDWARD is pissed),

JOSEPH “Indoor baseball?” That’s the name you’ve come up with it? (scoffs) And you accuse me of unoriginality.

GEORGE Yes, yes, I know, but the name may change to something more … specific and universal. Something the people can rally behind.

JOSEPH (shouting gleefully) It’ll be a game for the masses.

EDWARD (chuckling) Easy there, Joseph, you’re starting to sound like one of those Haymarket socialists. We might see you swinging at the end of a rope.

SIXTEEN INCH 59

GEORGE Oh Edward, give it a rest, would you? Concern for mankind doesn’t make him a communist any more than being a Harvard man has made you intelligent.

JOSEPH Still, I’d just as soon have kicked the stool out from under those four myself, trial or no trial. I was merely admiring a game that can be played by anyone anywhere, and indoors no less.

EDWARD Well, indoors may soon be the only option.

JOSEPH How so?

EDWARD Just look around you, Joseph. The neighborhood is changing. Swedes, Czechs, the Italians. Germans like those anarchists Fischer and Spies. Freed Negroes moving into Douglas Park. All consuming scarce open land. And then of course there are the Irish. (Looks to GEORGE) No offense.

GEORGE Offense taken.

EDWARD Most of the available land is going to housing these… (an intentional pause for effect) newcomers. The city is bending over backwards to build cheap accommodations for them. I’ve even been asked to come up with a few ideas. I refused, of course.

GEORGE Of course, you did.

EDWARD Well, only in the interest of keeping at least SOME of the land free for folks like us. But it appears they’re taking over.

JAMES Well, Chicago’s population has nearly doubled in the decade since the fire. But they come here for the same reason you did – opportunity.

EDWARD Or to take advantage. Most are a drain on our already stretched resources. There’ll be more tenements than gentlemen’s clubs soon. Well, clubs for men like us. The city’s changing, friends, and not for the better I’m afraid.

GEORGE Chicago will be fine. These immigrants are contributing as much as you ever have and maybe more. It’s provincial bastards such as you who are holding this town back.

SIXTEEN INCH 60

EDWARD Provincial? (Scoffs) I’m far from provincial. (GEORGE laughs hard and loud like a hammer hitting a nail.) But some things should remain as they are. Before long they’ll have taken over and this city will be forever ruined.

GEORGE Excellent, what we all wanted to hear - more of your nativist rantings.

EDWARD Our traditions, our culture, the things we value… gone. (pause) Like I’ll be soon, I’m afraid.

JOSEPH Really? I didn’t realize you were ill. (laughs)

EDWARD You’re hilarious, Joseph. No, I’m moving away. Evanston most likely. Interesting things happening there for a man like me and I want to be a part of it. They’ve got a plan. This Haymarket incident as made it pretty clear this city has made too many concessions for the immigrant.

GEORGE It was a labor dispute…

EDWARD (scoffs) Pfft. Labor dispute…

GEORGE …and no one knows who threw the bomb. But, yes, if there’s something amiss, blame it on the immigrant.

EDWARD Go ahead and turn your back on your city and your country in favor of the poor immigrant who demonstrates no loyalty to America. (to JOSEPH). Trust me, Joseph, this is nothing new from him.

GEORGE (to JAMES) You know, James, I was beginning to miss the Edward I knew at Harvard and here he is, waving the flag all the way.

JAMES Can we be left out of this, please?

GEORGE Get used to it Edward, Chicago is going to change whether you like it or not. This neighborhood, this south side, this city. Changing. And not everyone is eager to support your nationalistic rantings.

EDWARD (his voice rises) Anarchist literally walk our streets and you open your arms to more immigrants. (change of tone) But I suppose, given your background…

SIXTEEN INCH 61

GEORGE (angrily) I’ve told you before, Edward, mind where you step.

JOSEPH (confused) Alright, what’s going on here?

EDWARD (smugly) Nothing. Just noting that George here knows a thing or two about the common man, immigrants, lower classes…

(long pause)

Isn’t that right, George?

GEORGE (raising his voice – he’s clearly had enough and not for the first time) This isn’t the university, Edward. I’ve paid my debts and I’ve no longer a reason to mind my tongue around your anymore. Or my fists…

EDWARD (Ignoring GEORGE’S rising anger at his own risk) James, did you know my father and George’s worked together… well, worked “together” isn’t quite correct. Worked “for” would be more accurate. George’s father for mine, that is.

JAMES Edward, I’m not really interested in…

EDWARD Old Mr. Hancock was one of our best workers. My father hired him not long after he arrived here from Ireland. Our other hired hands were afraid to get in there, but there was George’s father, jumping in with both hands and mucking out the stables, knee deep in horseshit on occasion. Didn’t bother him in the least. (pause and looks at GEORGE. It is a look of gloating victory) It’s like he was born for that sort of work. My father liked old Mr. Hancock so much he funded Georgie’s education at Harvard. It was the least he could do to ensure the next generation of Hancocks weren’t consigned to a similar fate.

JAMES And you’re telling me this because…

GEORGE (anger rising) Because Edward thinks I have moved beyond my class. The son of a stable hand, an immigrant stable hand I might add, is a threat to his own social stature.

EDWARD Well, George, that’s not exactly…

SIXTEEN INCH 62

GEORGE (standing and addressing EDWARD) Because I’m George Hancock and my father shoveled dung from a horse stable and my mother was up to her elbows cleaning soiled laundry and my sister suffered from melancholia and yet I sat right next to him and all of the other privileged horse’s asses at the Harvard Club. My presence challenged his misguided beliefs about class and eugenics and…

EDWARD Well, George, I mean, really, left to your own devices, do you really think you would have attended Harvard? You have to admit, you did benefit from the largesse of my family.

GEORGE And have paid every dime back, yes somehow you seem to think I owe you.

EDWARD We were glad to assist but you clearly wouldn’t have been there without our help. Some of us naturally belong and others…

GEORGE (He steps toward EDWARD, staring into his soul) Perhaps you should move to Evanston sooner, then. Why soil your hands mingling with the lower classes of Chicago?

JAMES (rising in anticipation of breaking up a fight) Alright, let’s settle down, shall we?

EDWARD (stepping closer to GEORGE and bracing for a fight) Careful, George. I hope you've been using those boxing gloves for more than your silly game.

GEORGE There’s one thing you should have learned about Chicago by now, Edward… (GEORGE delivers a quick, short jab to EDWARD’s jaw, which catches EDWARD off guard and sends him to the floor of the gym) It’s unwise to stand and await the first swing. Better to strike first.

(GEORGE strides out the gym with loud footsteps, while EDWARD quickly rises from the floor fuming and starts after him. JAMES muffles a laugh and grabs EDWARD’S arm to stop him.)

JAMES Let it go, let it go, Edward. At least you can tell everyone you were bested by another Harvard man.

(End of scene)

SIXTEEN INCH 63

ACT 3, SCENE 1 WAVELAND PARK SOFTBALL FIELD

(Saturday, July 11, 2009, the same afternoon as in ACT 2. The members of The Longballers sit dejectedly on the bench. At the close of ACT 2, they were one run away from tying the game and keeping their playoff hopes alive. However, they have just lost their final shot at making the playoffs after RYAN impulsively tried to score from third base. Some of the players sip absentmindedly on cans of beer while a couple of players take swigs from a bottle of whiskey.)

EDDIE (slams down clipboard on bench) Shit.

TONY Fucking hell.

JIMBO Goddamit!

JIMBO NO. 2 Motherfuckit…

KALIFA GodDAMN!

RYAN Look, I…

(all look at Ryan and he shuts up)

EDDIE DAMMIT!

JIMBO NO. 2 Fuckin’ shit.

TONY (to RYAN) I mean…you fuckin kidding me?

RYAN C’mon, guys, I…

JIMBO Ryan. Don’t talk. Oh, and that car I offered? You’re payin’ Blue Book price.

SIXTEEN INCH 64

RYAN What? C’mon, guys…

KALIFA C’mon, nothing. Who the fuck told you to run? Who the FUCK told your slow ass to run?

RYAN The guy wasn’t even near the plate! The ball got past him. I thought I could make it.

KALIFA You? Make it? Even from third you weren’t gonna make it! You’re SLOW, son. S-L-O-W. Like a big white ass glacier. Slow like my grandmother. No, not even my grandmother. She’s faster than you and she’s got one leg cut off ‘cause she got diabetes from weighting 350 pounds. And even she woulda know not to try to score from third on a ball that’s sitting right behind the catcher.

RYAN I thought he lost track of the ball.

JIMBO NO. 2 It was right fucking behind him. How’s he gonna lose track of the ball? If he lost the ability to move his spine, then perhaps, no, he would not be able to turn around and see the fucking ball right behind him. But surprisingly that didn't happen. So you were fucking TAGGED OUT AT THE PLATE!

JIMBO It’s like he was sitting there waiting on you. Had his hand out with the ball and everything. “Oh, hello Ryan, can I offer you a nice hot bowl of you’re fucking out?”

TONY Seriously, what the fuck were you thinking, Ryan? I mean, seriously, did the whole “we’re one run away from tying this game up and staying alive for the playoffs” enter into your mind as you were charging toward the plate like a fat baby who spotted a teething biscuit across the room?

RYAN Guys, c’mon, I… Val, you saw.

VAL Oh, I saw.

RYAN Then tell these guys..

VAL Ryan, you’re a nice guy but with all due respect, that was pretty fucking stupid. I don’t take this game nearly as seriously as these guys who, despite all the boozing they do out here in the park – which, as a lawyer I should point out is illegal - are pretty good softball players. So when they describe your actions on the field as asinine – not in so many words but you get the gist – accept it.

SIXTEEN INCH 65

JIMBO NO. 2 Where’d the fuck you learn to play softball anyway?

RYAN Back home in Michigan, where else?

TONY So you grew up playing 16 inch in Michigan?

RYAN No, 12 inch.

(All others groan and make derisive sounds)

What? I grew up playing 12-inch softball. What’s the big deal? I play in another league too. A 12-inch league. (reaches into gym bag and pulls out a 12-inch softball and a softball mitt)

(TEAM laughs and points at Ryan)

EDDIE (shakes his head) Twelve inch…Jesus…

RYAN Yeah, so?

JIMBO NO. 2 With mitts, right?

RYAN Sure.

TONY Figures…

RYAN What does that mean?

TONY Nothing, nothing at all.

RYAN C’mon, that means something.

TONY Nothing, I swear.

RYAN (turns to EDDIE) Eddie, what’s he mean by that?

SIXTEEN INCH 66

EDDIE Hey, he said it, ask him.

RYAN (to JIMBO) What’s wrong with 12-inch softball?

JIMBO Nothin…if you ain’t got a Barbie doll, you play 12 inch. We understand.

(A few of them chuckle)

RYAN What, so you’re saying 12 inch is for girls?

JIMBO No, no, guys play it too. Just a certain type of guy…

EDDIE C’mon, Jimbo, take it easy with that stuff…

JIMBO Aw, Eddie, c’mon. What did you always usta say about guys who play 12-inch softball? What’d you usta call 12-inch softball?

EDDIE I forget.

JIMBO C’mon, you remember. You usta call it “fagball.” You said they made the ball smaller so the guys who played it would feel more at home cupping it in their hands.

EDDIE Aw, I didn’t mean nothin’ by it. (turns to CESAR) I don’t… I mean, that wasn’t what I meant… Look, I was probably drunk when I said it.

JIMBO All 500 times you said it?

RYAN Fagball? Twelve-inch softball is fagball?

EDDIE No, it’s not…I don’t call it that no more.

RYAN OK, so besides that being pretty homophobic…

CESAR (like a bro) Alright, this guy gets it, amirite?

SIXTEEN INCH 67

RYAN …you think 12-inch softball is somehow …what?… less masculine than 16 inch?

EDDIE Well, not less masculine.

RYAN Well, less what then?

EDDIE OK, how about less … skillful? Less physical? Requires less ability? It’s just a lesser version of the real game.

RYAN The REAL game? So, 16 inch is the real game and 12 inch isn’t?

EDDIE No, 12 inch is a game, but it’s like t-ball is to baseball.

JIMBO Like go-cart racing to NASCAR.

JIMBO NO. 2 Like the Public League basketball to the NBA.

TONY Like Old Maid to poker.

RYAN Get the fuck outta here. You guys are full of shit. Twelve inch is awesome.

EDDIE (exasperated whispering) There he goes with that fuckin’ awesome again.

RYAN Twelve inch is just as good a game as 16-inch softball. (turns to KALIFA) Kalifa, c’mon, bro, tell ‘em. You played 12 inch before, right?

KALIFA Yeah…when I was 12. Then I became a man.

(They all laugh and high five each other)

RYAN You guys are fucking assholes. I played 12 inch for a bunch of years and it takes just as much skill and just as much strength.

EDDIE And it was invented for girls.

SIXTEEN INCH 68

RYAN So, from homophobic to sexist…

JIMBO It WAS invented for girls. It’s a fact.

RYAN OK, fine, maybe so, but it’s not like that anymore. Where I grew up, all of us played 12 inch. Nobody played 16 inch.

JIMBO Well, growing up here in Chicago, nobody played that shit. (points to 12-inch ball) Not even the girls. Ain’t that right, Val.

VAL Hey, don’t make me choose sides between a sexist asshole and a guy who doesn’t know you don’t try to score when the ball’s right behind the plate. (turns to RYAN) And sorry, Ryan, I gotta say… I never played 12 inch. But you know, I grew up in Chicago.

JIMBO The only time we used mitts was when we was playing baseball. Softball was supposed to be played with your bare hands. (Picks up Ryan’s mitt) You wanna wear a mitt, then just go play real baseball. Nothing called “softball” is supposed to be played with mitts. You get in there with your bare hands.

CESAR Well, I’d just like to say that I like this version of the softball game. Using your bare hands…I like it, it’s raw and gritty and … like a farmer working the soil and in touch with the land…

(TONY rolls his eyes and turns away.)

JIMBO NO. 2 (to JIMBO in a sing-song fashion) Co-workerrrrrr….

JIMBO (to RYAN) You know how you tell a Chicago softball player? RYAN How?

JIMBO You look at his hands.

RYAN His hands? What for?

SIXTEEN INCH 69

JIMBO ‘Cause every real Chicago softball player got at least one busted finger from getting hit by the ball. If you ain’t got one of these… (holds up bent finger) …you ain’t playing softball. Ain’t that right Jimbo No. 2?

(JIMBO No. 2 holds up finger)

JIMBO NO. 2 Fuckin A.

JIMBO Tony?

TONY (holds up finger) No shit.

JIMBO Kalifa?

KALIFA (holds up finger) Hell yeah…

(RYAN looks at VAL) VAL (holding up both hands) No, because I know what the fuck I’m doing out there.

JIMBO That’s how you tell a Chicago softball player. (looks at VAL) Well, most of ‘em. You look at their fingers. At least one of ‘em as crooked as the old S curve on Lake Shore Drive.

RYAN The old what?

JIMBO The old S curve?... Near Olive Park? Usta be this real bitch of a stretch on the drive that slowed everything down. They tore it down and sorta straightened it out in… aw, fuck it, nevermind… Go play with your little balls.

RYAN Ah, fuck you guys with your provincial bullshit.

JIMBO NO. 2 Our WHAT shit?

SIXTEEN INCH 70

EDDIE Provincial…It means, like, you’re close-minded. Sort of a hick.

JIMBO Provincial, huh? Interesting… Hey, Ryan.

RYAN What?

JIMBO Fuck you. So, what, I’m fuckin’…pro…whatever the fuck you said. So what if we’re…um…

EDDIE Provincial.

JIMBO Yeah, that shit. So we’re supposed to kiss your ass for bringing us 12-inch softball or that fucking beanbag shitgame…what the fuck is that shit?

RYAN Cornhole.

JIMBO Yeah, that dumb shit. Or fucking food trucks…Who the fuck chases a truck down the street to eat food while getting exhaust blown in their face? The only time you should be eatin’ food off a truck is at 2 a.m. in the parking lot of the factory when you’re workin’ the overnight shift. Any other time you should be sittin’ down in a restaurant like a normal fucking person.

RYAN Food trucks are awe…

EDDIE Please don’t say that…

RYAN …some. You should be glad the city is finally licensing those things. You’ll finally be able to get some great food in any part of town.

JIMBO NO. 2 You could great food in any part of town before all that. But we didn’t call it “food trucks.” Wanna know what we called it?

RYAN What?

SIXTEEN INCH 71

JIMBO NO. 2 We called it “Driving to the fucking restaurant!” You get a bunch of the guys together and drove to the actual restaurant, sat down, shot the shit, maybe had a drink, maybe talk up the cute waitress, eat a nice meal and leave a good tip. A food truck? Eating on the fucking sidewalk? What am I, a dog?

VAL Hey, I like food trucks too and I resent the implication that I’m a dog.

JIMBO NO. 2 No, I didn’t mean you, Val. I mean, you know, some other bum who… Wait, I don’t mean “some other” bum. You’re not a bum but…

VAL Relax, Jimbo No. 2. You’re off the hook.

RYAN Ah, you guys don’t understand…

EDDIE Yeah, you’re probably right. I don’t understand a lot of things around here anymore. Maybe it IS time to move.

JIMBO NO. 2 Move? Whaddya you talking about?

EDDIE Nothing, I’m just…

TONY He’s talking about moving.

JIMBO What, to somewhere else in the neighborhood? You looking for a bigger house, ‘cause I know a guy…

TONY He’s talking about moving to the ‘burbs. Out to Melrose Park or somewhere.

EDDIE Hey, Tony, you wanna shut the fuck up about my business?

TONY Why? Just tell ‘em. You’re gonna do it so you might as well tell ‘em.

JIMBO Straight up, Eddie? You moving to Melrose Park? What the fuck for?

EDDIE I ain’t said I was moving. I said maybe it was time.

SIXTEEN INCH 72

TONY Fuck that, you’re moving. Just say it. Tami wants to move, so you’re moving. You’re gonna live somewhere other than Chicago. It’s been done before.

EDDIE Well, I ain’t done it before. Besides, it ain’t a done deal.

TONY Shit, YOUR wife? Tami? Yeah, it’s a done deal.

JIMBO NO. 2 You want us to help you move? We can do that, right fellas? Yeah, we’ll help ya move. We can all pitch in.

KALIFA Man, don’t be volunteering me to help nobody move, especially to the suburbs. I’m a city guy, I don’t even set foot in the ‘burbs unless I have to. You PAYING us to help you move? ‘Cause I’ll help you move then. But you got to PAY me, man…

EDDIE Look, will alla ya shut up about moving? Geez, you fucking guys got me packed and sitting on the deck in the backyard drinking a martini or something already.

JIMBO NO. 2 Well, we’re just saying…

EDDIE Well, don’t be “just sayin’.” As of right now, I’m still a Chicago guy. I ain’t living in Melrose Park or Schaumburg or Kane County or fucking’ Lombard or Bensonville.

JIMBO We don’t mean nothin’ by it, it’s just…

EDDIE I’m Eddie Marek from fucking Sacramento and Montrose and I went to Queen of Angels Elementary School at 4520 North Western and I had my first real drink at Gannon’s Pub at 4264 N. Lincoln Ave. and I married a girl who used to live at Argyle and Kedzie. I work for city, I drink Miller fuckin’ High Life and even though I live on the north side I root for the fucking White Sox. I ain’t no suburban guy. Alright?

RYAN Sorry, I didn't mean to touch a fucking nerve.

EDDIE Well, yeah, ya did. (to RYAN) Look, Ryan, I’m sure where you come from 12-inch softball with your little mitts and that little ball is a real game, but around here, it’s 16 inch, OK? You guys running around the diamonds after leaving working at J. Walter Thompson or wherever the fuck you guys all work, hey, that’s cool. But that’s always gonna be YOUR game. All you guys who graduated from Michigan State or Wisconsin or Indiana and moved to the city, this 12-inch softball stuff is gonna be YOUR game but it ain’t gonna be CHICAGO’S game. Ever. THIS…

SIXTEEN INCH 73

(points to 16-inch softball)

…is OUR game. This is what people in Chicago play. It was invented on Thanksgiving Day in 1887 at the Farragut Boat Club on South Lake Park Ave. It was 16 inches then and it’s 16 inches now. It’s Chicago. All of this. All of us. We’re Chicago. We eat big fat- ass pizzas and hot dogs with hot peppers and Italian beef sandwiches dipped in beef juice and we play softball with this…

EDDIE (holds up 16-inch softball) …not that. (points to 12-inch ball)

RYAN Well, maybe if you tried to play 12 inch at least once you’d see…

EDDIE You know what, Ryan, fuck that, OK? Just fuck that. I ain’t playing softball with no mitt or playing fuckin’ cornhole or eatin’ food from a truck standin’ on the street or going on a pub crawl or nothin’ like that, OK? Don’t act like I’m being a stuck-up prick if I don’t think it’s the coolest thing ever.

RYAN Eddie, look, I’m not saying that.

EDDIE No, you’re just sayin’ we’re fucking “provincial” for not lovin’ whatever new shit someone brings to town.

RYAN Alright, sorry, I shouldn’ta said that. I’m just saying that I think a lot of people in Chicago can be a little, you know, closed-minded when it comes to seeing things change. You try to talk to people about something new or something different and right away they start telling me how much better it was before…

JIMBO It was.

RYAN (speaking as another person) “Yeah, that bar was better before those hipsters started coming there…”

JIMBO NO. 2 It was.

RYAN …and “that neighborhood was better before all the yuppies moved in…”

JIMBO It was.

SIXTEEN INCH 74

RYAN “…and you’re not a real baseball fan because you don’t know about Joe Pepitone or Shoeless Joe Whoeverthefuck.”

JIMBO NO. 2 You’re not.

RYAN I mean, geez, give it a rest. Shit doesn’t stay the same forever, you know. Sometimes you gotta, you know…

TONY “You know” what?

RYAN You know, you gotta, maybe…

JIMBO What? Fuckin’ spit it out.

RYAN Alright, fine, maybe you gotta get used to it. Maybe, sometimes, you gotta move over and let things change. That’s what cities do. They change. They stuck a fucking condo on your block and that’s MY fault? Blame the fucking landlord who sold it, not the guy that moved in because it was there.

EDDIE Hey, you ain’t gotta tell me who I gotta blame.

RYAN Nah, I think I do. You think everybody like me is ruining your city. Hey, I picked my apartment for the same reasons some of you did: the rent’s cheap and I can walk down the street to the corner store and pick up a loaf of bread and a pack of cigarettes.

JIMBO NO. 2 You don’t fucking smoke.

RYAN Whatever, I’m making a fucking point, Jimbo No 2. I’m not pumped because some fucking overpriced all-organic grocery store is moving in or because that bar that’s been there for a million fucking years gets sold to some corporation that puts in 32 craft beer lines. (pause) Actually, that would be fucking awe… pretty fucking nice. (snaps back) But, still, Eddie, I’m not saying anything personal…

EDDIE Of course, you ain’t…

RYAN …but stop trying to make out like I’m one of the one’s fucking shit up for you. I moved to my neighborhood because of what it IS, not what it might turn into. But hey, if everything’s changing too much for you then…

SIXTEEN INCH 75

EDDIE Then what?

RYAN …the maybe moving isn’t a bad thing. I mean, if the city’s changed too much for you and you like it a certain way, then what the fuck are you staying here for?

KALIFA So, you’re just telling the man it’s time to get the fuck out of the way and let you take over?

RYAN No, I’m not fucking saying that.

KALIFA Sure the fuck sounds like it. “If you don’t like it, get the fuck out.” Damn, that’s some cold shit.

RYAN Aw, man, stop putting words in my mouth.

TONY Naw, sounds like he’s got it pretty right to me. You don’t like the new way of doing stuff, then it’s time to go.

RYAN Jesus, I didn’t say anything like that. Aw, fuck it, look, forget I said anything.

TONY No, no, this is interesting. I like hearing from a college boy. (looks at EDDIE) OK, a four-year college boy. How do you feel about dibs?

RYAN Dibs?

JIMBO Yeah, dibs. How do you feel about dibs?

RYAN What the fuck is “dibs”?

JIMBO NO. 2 You know…dibs. When it snows, a guy shovels out the spot in front of his house so he can park his car when he gets home, tries to save the spot with some milk crates, a lawn chair… you know, dibs.

RYAN (rolling his eyes) Oh, yeah, that shit.

SIXTEEN INCH 76

JIMBO NO. 2 Yeah, that shit.

RYAN I fucking hate it. Nobody owns the fucking street. Just ‘cause you shoveled out a spot and throw some junk out there doesn’t mean you own it. Besides, it’s illegal. I just move that shit and park right there.

TONY Yeah, you park right there, but you won’t get out there and shovel a spot yourself, will you? You should be out there with your 12-inch softball playing buddies shoveling the whole fucking street so there wouldn’t be any need for dibs. But you don’t. But some guy who tries to save a spot so he can park his fucking car in front of his house and not have to walk four blocks after getting home at 1 a.m. from work, that guy’s the asshole, right?

RYAN Hey, he can shovel all he wants, just don’t try to claim it like it’s his. It’s a fucking public street.

TONY We know it’s a fucking public street. But some of us still respect that a guy made the effort and we won’t park in that spot. If honoring that makes us “provincial”, then guess what? We’re fucking “provincial”.

EDDIE (Stands and walks to end of bench) Look, I’m not an idiot. I know things gotta to change. CTA fare’s gonna go up. They’re gonna build more condos than bungalows. The White Sox weren’t gonna play in Comiskey forever and someday the mayor’s last name won’t be Daley. (walks back to RYAN) But what I got a problem with is somebody tellin’ us to just “get over it.” You think you can pull that shit in New York City? Try tellin’ a New Yorker to “get over it” and he’ll tell you to go fuck yourself. But this city’s startin’ to bend over to please every Chad and Meghan and, yeah, Ryan, that comes along waving a degree and spillin’ disposable income out of his ass. (walks to other side of bench) So you know what? Fuck it. I’m out. It’s all yours, Ryan and Chad and Meghan. I’m out.

JIMBO Eddie…

EDDIE What, Jimbo?

JIMBO If you need a van to move I got a ’98 panel van that…

EDDIE Yeah, thanks Jimbo. Thanks a lot.

SIXTEEN INCH 77

TONY So you decided?

EDDIE Yeah, I decided. Why the fuck not? My whole neighborhood’s gonna be full of guys like this anyway, buying condos and putting in restaurants I can’t afford to eat at. Yeah, I’m out.

VAL Well, I guess it makes sense. You got a wife and a kid, you should probably find somewhere a little bigger, maybe a little safer. I love my city, but I gotta admit, it’s getting a little crazy. It’s not like it used to be.

JIMBO NO. 2 But what about the team?

EDDIE What ABOUT the team?

JIMBO NO. 2 You still gonna play softball with us, right? You still coming here to play?

EDDIE Who the fuck knows? (looks at RYAN) Maybe they play 12 inch out there. My kid’ll grow up playing 12-inch softball and he can eat lunch at some fast food joint in a strip mall instead of Mr. Beef on Orleans and he’ll have his first drink at Applebee’s and he can go hang out at the community pool instead of Lake Michigan in the summer. ‘Cause none of it makes any difference, right?

TONY (sarcastically) Yeah, that sounds fuckin’ great.

KALIFA That sounds fuckin’ fucked up. Applebee’s? Fuck, I’d rather eat at White Castle and get the shits for two days.

JIMBO NO. 2 I been to Applebee’s once. Out west on Grand. It ain’t that bad. They got a steak with shrimp and this honey barbecue sauce on it. Not bad.

CESAR Well, I wouldn’t be caught dead at Applebee’s. I mean, Applebee’s? Seriously? God, it’s like they unleashed Hell and covered it with cheese. A bunch of flip-flop wearing suburbanites and their annoying children stuffing their faces with potato skins filled with bacon and whipped cream…

JIMBO NO. 2 Really, they got that?

SIXTEEN INCH 78

EDDIE He’s exaggerating a little bit.

CESAR …and some waitress with too much makeup trying to make enough money to support her boyfriend’s meth habit, putting up with shit from teenagers waving a twenty-dollar bill and leaving a dollar tip. And they can't even make a decent margarita. I mean, would it KILL you to squeeze a fresh lime into a glass? And don’t get me started on the club scene in the suburbs…

EDDIE OK, I think we’re kinda gettin’ off the point here, but you get the drift, don’t cha Ryan? You and your little frat boys and sorority girls can have this fuckin’ city and pub crawl all over the fuckin’ place instead of just pickin’ one bar and sittin’ your ass down in it and becoming a part of the city.

RYAN First of all, I’m not a fuckin’ frat boy. I hated that shit in college and I hate it now. Second, fuck you and your one-track narrow-fucking mind.

EDDIE No, fuck you.

TONY Guys…

RYAN (squaring off and facing EDDIE) Ain’t you got a Knights of Columbus meeting or something to go to?

EDDIE That’s the Italians. We’re the Copernicus Foundation, ya dumb WASP.

TONY Aright, guys, take it down a notch.

RYAN Look, I’m about done with you.

EDDIE Oh, yeah? Take your best shot.

RYAN Maybe I will. (RYAN tenses himself for a fight)

SIXTEEN INCH 79

EDDIE Well, ya see, that’s the first thing ya gotta learn about Chicago… (EDDIE delivers a short jab to RYAN’s jaw, which catches him off guard and sends him to the ground) We’re not gonna stand there like a dumb ass and wait for the first punch. (looks at group) Later. Maybe.

(EDDIE leaves. RYAN jumps to his feet and starts to go after EDDIE but several players hold him back.)

JIMBO C’mon, Ryan, let it go. He’s just a little pissed off about having to move is all.

RYAN Fuck him.

(entire group is silent for a while until JIMBO NO. 2 speaks)

JIMBO NO. 2 Anybody wanna go to Applebees? I got a taste for some Applebees now. Anybody? Seriously, I really wanna go now.

(End of scene)

SIXTEEN INCH 80

ACT 4, SCENE 1 FARRAGUT BOAT CLUB, 1888

(It is one year after the game of “indoor baseball” has been invented. EDWARD is walking around the Farragut Yacht Club gym, lazily entertaining himself with some of the equipment – trying on boxing gloves and taking a few punches, hefts a medicine ball a few times, does a few curls of the dumbbells. He notices a strange ball sitting on a bench. It is slightly beaten, slightly dirty, roughly 16 inches around in diameter. He picks it up and examines it, trying to figure out what it is. Then it dawns on him just as GEORGE and JAMES enter the gym. GEORGE is holding a large notebook.)

JAMES Well, look at who the northern wind has blown in.

EDWARD And the southern wind will blow me out just as fast. Just visiting the neighborhood…

GEORGE No need to rush off on our account. (pause) Or mine if that’s the case…

EDWARD No, no, I’m back in the city on business for a day and thought I’d stop by the old club. (looks around the room). Glad to see not much around here has changed. (pause) Well, inside at least. (looks at ball in his hand). So. This is your indoor baseball. Looks a bit … rough. (puts the ball down)

JAMES Well, there’s never been one before. It was difficult to find someone able to make them to the right specifications. A ball big enough to be easily handled without a mitt. And soft enough not to break a finger or two. (JAMES rubs his hands) Well, almost soft enough. But, seriously, the game’s becoming quite popular.

EDWARD Glad to hear it. (looks to GEORGE) Sincerely. I suppose it’s good there’s something that can bond Chicagoans together, as opposed to… well, whatever they did in their former countries. Maybe this will become a city thing.

GEORGE Perhaps. Factory workers seem to enjoy it. They play it after work, even at their lunch hour. Children play it in the street, until the police shoo them away.

EDWARD Sounds like you’ve created something this city needed. (pause) You should be quite proud.

GEORGE (looks for the words) Edward… I… I shouldn’t have… I want to apologize for…

EDWARD …for nothing.

SIXTEEN INCH 81

GEORGE No, I let my anger get the best of me. I was clearly …

EDWARD … being George Hancock. I’ve known you since we were boys, George. I know how to get you off your chump. Did it all through university and, well, I suppose I’ve never tired of it. We don’t agree on most things but… I suppose it was expected at some point. So… It’s forgotten.

JAMES Well, I doubt you’ll forget that anytime soon. John L. Sullivan couldn’t have delivered a better jab.

EDWARD I said it’s forgotten, James.

GEORGE Well, none the less… (pause) So how goes it in Evanston? Everything you’d hoped it would be?

EDWARD More or less. It’s a temperance town, as you know, so finding a pint of ale can be difficult, unless you know here to go.

JAMES Ha! I’d love to witness your daily searches.

EDWARD Spend most of my time designing homes. They’re all fairly similar to one another, but it’s what the people there want. You could turn a corner and easily get lost. They prefer things to stay the same. It’s not nearly as challenging as my work here but…

GEORGE You’re starting to sound as if you miss the city.

EDWARD It surprises me to admit it, but I suppose I do. The unpredictability. (wistful pause, then…) Not enough to move back here, mind you, but… it does strangely feel a bit new each time I come here.

GEORGE It’s called change. Embrace it.

EDWARD (small laugh) Not just yet, if you don’t mind? (pauses to look around the room) Well, I’m off. Have a meeting downtown. Maybe I’ll come back and see one of your indoor baseball games.

JAMES We have one next week. Playing the Union Club here. We’ve already defeated them once You should come back then.

SIXTEEN INCH 82

EDWARD Maybe. I have to admit I am curious.

GEORGE Then by all means, come back. We’ll dedicate the game to your honor.

EDWARD I’m flattered. I’ve never had an obscure sporting event dedicated to me.

GEORGE Well, given your level of success, it seemed fitting. (grabs ball and tosses it to EDWARD) Here.

EDWARD And what am I to do with this?

GEORGE Well, you’re partly responsible for the game. Take it back to Evanston with you. Perhaps they’ll be interested in playing there. I mean, you don’t have to drink while playing the game, so they should like that.

EDWARD I’m not sure. They already consider baseball a sport for ruffians. It’s more of a rowing crowd at that end of Lake Michigan. But… (looks around the club, then studies the ball) why the Hell not? Maybe they’ll change…

GEORGE Perhaps.

(EDWARD nods goodbye and leaves the room. Lights go down. )

SIXTEEN INCH 83

ACT 4 SCENE 2 WAVELAND PARK SOFTBALL FIELD

(It is a year later, the weekend of July 4, 2010. VAL has arrived early and is preparing for the game when TAMI enters.)

VAL Oh, hey, what’s going on?

TAMI Hey. Nothing much. Val, right?

VAL Yup.

TAMI Tami.

VAL Right, I know. I’ve seen you out here a couple of times.

TAMI Yeah, We make it back out here every once in a while. Used to be out here a lot more but…

VAL We? Eddie’s out here too?

TAMI Yeah, he’s over there playing with Mikey somewhere. (picks up softball and tosses it back and forth in hands)

VAL You used to play, right?

TAMI Yeah.

VAL What position? Let me guess… pitcher.

TAMI Good guess. But a few times I played in right. I had a pretty good fucking arm.

VAL No shit. I don’t see too many of us playing out there. You must have had a gun.

TAMI Well, let’s just say I’ve told the story about how I threw out a runner on the fly a couple of times.

SIXTEEN INCH 84

VAL Nice.

TAMI What about you? What do you play?

VAL Left. Pitch a little bit. You ever think about coming back out? We could use an arm in right.

TAMI Me? Nah. We're kinda far away now. Besides, we’re settling into the new house and the neighborhood and everything…

VAL Oh, right, I heard. Too bad. We could use you.

TAMI Hell, yeah, you could. But I got enough to do.

VAL It’s just a game, right?

TAMI That’s for sure. (pause) Still…

VAL Ha, there it is.

TAMI (smiling) What?

VAL You know “what.” You’re a player. You’re itching to get back out there. You got that look.

TAMI What look? The look of somebody who was fucking great at hitting it in the gap? Or dropping it right over the first baseman’s head? That look?

VAL Badass! (they high five). Can you play at the new place?

TAMI Don’t know, but not really looking to anyway. Just want to get to a point where I can relax.

VAL And that’s the suburbs.

SIXTEEN INCH 85

TAMI Yeah, I guess. (pause) I mean, yeah, it is. The city started getting too…

VAL Busy?

TAMI Intense. It got too fucking intense around here. Seems like this whole city was on edge.

VAL Oh, it’s not that bad. Don’t let the newspapers scare you

TAMI Not just the papers, it’s what I saw. My old neighborhood. Lot of people there walking around seemed so… angry for no reason and looking for someone to… I don’t know. You get worried, you know.

VAL Yeah, I know.

TAMI I mean, I got a kid and there were all of these tough lookin’ bla…(pause)

VAL Black guys?

TAMI Well, no…I mean, yeah, some of ‘em. They were mostly Mexican.

VAL The black guys were mostly Mexican?

TAMI No, I mean, most of the guys hanging out were Mexican.

VAL That’s … better?

TAMI I know, sorry, I’m not trying to make this a race thing…

VAL But you just did, so…

SIXTEEN INCH 86

TAMI I did, didn’t I? (pause) I’m just trying to say that a lot of things in the neighborhood were changin’, you know? And not in a good way. I just wanted to be somewhere where people want the same things I do, ya know? If the people movin’ in did, I wouda stayed, but I don’t think they did so.. (pause) I’m doing a shitty job of explaining this, I know. (beat) God, you must think I’m one of those cranky old white women that sits in the window all day and calls the cops every time a black kid walks by my house (she and VAL exchange looks) I’m not, you know.

VAL Look, I get it. City’s changing. Neighborhoods aren’t like they used to be. Usta be the Irish were here and the blacks were here and the Polish were here and the Mexicans were here and over here was Chinatown, this was Indian and you knew where everyone was. It was easy. Today, everybody lives everywhere and it’s not this cozy little familiar world anymore. Hell, I got out and lived in the ‘burbs for a while.

TAMI You lived in the ‘burbs?

VAL Yeah, me, Val, from the South Side. I got a little fed up with all the attitude too. I wanted all that nice shit. People rocking on the front porch and a grocery store on the corner with Pete the Butcher wearing an apron and white shirt and tie and going to the farmer’s market on the weekends and buying persimmons and I don’t even know what a fucking persimmon is. At least I thought I wanted that shit.

TAMI But…

VAL But I missed this city.

TAMI Not me.

VAL Not yet, but you will. You’ll miss it.

TAMI Try me.

VAL You know the worst part about living in the ‘burbs? The quiet. It was just so fucking quiet out there. Annoyingly quiet. People think all the noise in the city is crazy, but have you ever been lying in bed in complete silence and then heard a car door close and some slow steady footsteps and then.. nothing? That’s some scary shit. I’ll take an el train and somebody yelling upstairs for Pookie to come down and open the door any day of the week.

SIXTEEN INCH 87

TAMI So you moved back?

VAL Yeah, I realized this is where I need to be. I mean, there’s shit going on, people doing stuff. And I don’t have to smile all the time. Out there, I had to say “good morning” to everybody. Complete strangers! Here, I walk down the street pissed off and nobody gives a shit because a million other people are pissed off too. So, you know, I fit in here.

TAMI Well, I guess I get that. Maybe… (looks around) Let me go find those guys.

(TONY, JIMBO NO. 2, KALIFA, and RYAN enter the bench area and greet VAL and then TAMI)

Hey, glad I talked to you.

VAL You too. Good luck with … whatever happens. And come back out to see a game (laughs) We’ll maybe dedicate it in your honor, let your throw out the first pitch.

TAMI (exaggerated) I’m flattered. Never had a game dedicated to me.

VAL Well, you were pretty good, so it’s about time.

(TAMI and VAL say goodbyes as TAMI walks off as players begin preparing for the game and the UMP arrives, followed by JIMBO.)

JIMBO (speaking to UMP) …Seriously, I’m talking primo condition. Leather seats. One a them GPS things. Surround sound stereo system. Satellite ready. I tell ya, if this car was a woman, you’d be trying to get it into bed. (Looks over at TONY) Or if it was a guy. Whatever. Hey, I don’t discriminate there, do I Tony? I sell cars to all kinds of people.

TONY Gee, thanks there, Jimbo.

JIMBO So whaddya say there, Ump? You want me to hold it for ya? Tell you what, you come down tomorrow, I’ll knock another $300 off the price. And the first oil change is on us.

UMP Lemme think about it, OK? I gotta check with Dorian.

JIMBO

SIXTEEN INCH 88

Who’s Dorian?

UMP My partner.

JIMBO Oh, yeah? Partner? How ‘bout that? (to TONY) You hear that, Tony, the ump here’s got a partner. He’s a co-worker like you.

TONY (sarcastically) Yeah, I know. We discussed it at the weekly meeting.

UMP (to TONY) I’m a what?

TONY Nothing. Ignore him.

JIMBO NO. 2 You guys have meetings?

JIMBO Sure, ump, talk it over with Dorian. Bring ‘em on down. You guys might need two vehicles, a car and a mini-van. You got kids? You might adopt a kid. You need a van.

UMP Nah, we don’t need a van.

JIMBO Sure you do. Maybe for camping or something …in the mountains.

TONY Oh for cryin’ out loud, Jimbo.

UMP OK, I’m outta here. Let’s get this game going.

(EDDIE enters the stage and approaches the bench. JIMBO NO. 2 sees him first.)

JIMBO NO. 2 Hey, Eddie!

(All others notice him now and greet him.)

JIMBO Eddie! What the fuck you doin’ out here?

EDDIE I came to watch you sonovabitches lose.

SIXTEEN INCH 89

KALIFA Hey, we managed to win a few games without your old ass around.

EDDIE Bullshit.

TONY A few, a few. You ready to play a couple “two-tree” innings?

EDDIE I fuckin’ wish. Nah, We’re taking Mikey to the doctor in the old neighborhood. He got into with some kid at his new school yesterday. Got a little shiner under his left eye.

JIMBO No shit? What’d he give the other kid?

EDDIE C’mon, Jimbo, that ain’t important. Kids shouldn’t be fighting like that.

(All in group murmur agreement)

But, yeah, he fuckin’ knocked the other kid out cold.

(All cheer and high five)

TONY So what were they fightin’ about?

EDDIE Ah, he said the other kid called him a ghetto rat ‘cause he comes from Chicago. Said the kid told him Chicago ain’t nothing but one big ghetto.

TONY And that’s what pissed him off…

EDDIE Well, that and the other kid supposedly said some stuff about Polacks.

JIMBO NO. 2 And THAT’S what pissed him off…

EDDIE Nah. Kid said the White Sox suck. THAT’S what pissed him off.

VAL Sounds like the other kid was pretty smart. They DO suck.

SIXTEEN INCH 90

EDDIE There goes the Cubs fan again.

VAL This is the year, Eddie, mark it down.

(RYAN and EDDIE spot each other and approach)

EDDIE What’s up there, Ryan?

RYAN Eddie. Visiting the city?

EDDIE Yeah, Ryan, Eddie Marek is just visiting Chicago.

JIMBO NO. 2 That just don’t sound right.

EDDIE Yeah, it’s a little strange to me too. (Notices RYAN has mitt with a 12-inch softball inside) You got one-a them 12-inch games later, Ryan?

RYAN Nah, just practice. (pause) If that’s OK with you.

EDDIE Hey, it’s fine with me.

RYAN I was kidding, you know.

EDDIE Yeah, I figured that. Hey, you know, play whatever you want, who gives a fuck, right?

RYAN Right.

EDDIE It’s just a game, right?

RYAN Yup.

EDDIE (not to anyone directly) Just a fuckin’ game.

SIXTEEN INCH 91

(to RYAN) Look, Ryan, about that thing last season…

RYAN Forgotten.

EDDIE Nah, nah, I was outta line a little bit there.

RYAN A lot.

EDDIE OK, fuck it. A lot outta line. I just wanna…

RYAN Forgotten.

EDDIE Fuck, Ryan, will ya just let me…

RYAN What? Just let you what? Eddie, it’s forgotten. (holds out hand to shake EDDIE’S) Forgotten, alright? It’s best we move on.

EDDIE (shakes RYAN’S hand) Yeah. Move on. Right. (pause)

(RYAN puts mitt and 12-inch softball on bench and heads off stage to the field)

TONY You sell the old house yet?

EDDIE Nah, not yet. Had a few people come by to look at it, but no one bit. Not sure if it’s the neighborhood or what. Figured those yuppie fucks would be all over it. Guess the neighborhood’s too “urban” even for them.

KALIFA (pause) Sell it to me.

EDDIE What?

KALIFA I said sell it to me. I’ll buy the motherfucker.

TONY You serious?

SIXTEEN INCH 92

KALIFA Hell, why not? I got another kid on the way and we been lookin’ for another place. Your piece-of-shit house is just as good as any.

EDDIE The way you talk you’re obviously not lookin’ for a good deal.

KALIFA Did I say “piece-of-shit” house? I meant that fine, solidly build bungalow of yours.

EDDIE Better. You serious?

KALIFA As a heart attack. What kind of neighborhood is it? A bunch of old ass Polish folks like you and a store on the corner that only sells perogies?

EDDIE Yeah, it’s exactly like that. Pope John Paul Two usta have a summer home right down the street. Actually, it’s a lotta your people living in the neighborhood now. You’d fit right in.

KALIFA Aw, here they go with that “your people” shit again. Why they gotta be “my” people? You know, just because we call each other “brother” don’t mean we actually are, you know.

EDDIE Alright then, there’s a lot of bla… African Amer… wait, you’re black again, right?

KALIFA Just give it up, OK? Look, you wanna sell the house or not?

EDDIE Sure. Just surprised you leaving the South Side.

KALIFA Hey, we’re all over this city now, baby.

EDDIE Yeah, I kinda just said that. Nah, I’m just surprised you wanna move. You’re always talkin’ about how bad-ass the South Side is an’ all.

KALIFA It’s still is bad-ass. Maybe a little too bad-ass. I got kids now and I don’t want ‘em to get caught up in all that crazy shit goin’ on. Motherfucker‘ll shoot at you and just stand there lookin’ at you. Don’t even TRY to run.

SIXTEEN INCH 93

EDDIE Yeah, well, that’s kinda why we moved outta our place. Least the wife thought so. So, you wanna take a look at the house, huh?

KALIFA Fuck yeah.

EDDIE Yeah, alright. Come by Tuesday.

KALIFA Can’t make it Tuesday.

EDDIE OK, how about Thursday?

KALIFA Thursday’s no good.

EDDIE (sigh) Friday? Saturday?

KALIFA Nope and nope.

EDDIE Then what the fuck day IS good for you?

KALIFA Well, you skipped Wednesday…

EDDIE So you can make it Wednesday?

KALIFA No, Wednesday’s bad.

EDDIE Then why the fuck did you…

KALIFA Aw, man, I’m just fuckin’ with you. I can swing by there Tuesday.

EDDIE Jesus, just ask a simple fuckin’ question…Fine, Tuesday, after work.

KALIFA Nah, I can’t make it after work...Ha! Just kiddin’. ‘Bout six, OK?

SIXTEEN INCH 94

EDDIE Yeah, six.

(CESAR speaks from off-stage and approaches the field. He enters the stage wearing jeans and a t-shirt and holding a bat. The other guys greet him and a couple high-five him.)

CESAR OK, c’mon, people, places, places, it’s showtime. Let’s go. Let’s kick some ass. These guys can’t hit for shit. EDDIE What the fuck is he doin’?

TONY Playing right field.

EDDIE HE’S playing right field? Since when?

TONY Since the start of the season. We were short a guy and we stuck him out there just to have a warm body. Turns out he’s not that bad. Even got a hit that game.

CESAR Oh, not just a hit, baby. A double that brought in two runs, thank you very much.

TONY Whatever…

CESAR I sent that ball right over the middle man’s…

TONY …centerfielder’s…

CESAR …head. He was VERY surprised.

TONY (to Eddie) Well, they were playing in pretty close because they figured out he never played the game before, so…

CESAR It was EXHILARATING. (Puts arm around TONY’S waist and they kiss) I did pretty good, right?

TONY (smiling) Yeah. Yeah, you did pretty good. (they kiss again and CESAR walks away to loosen up)

SIXTEEN INCH 95

EDDIE (abruptly, with slight discomfort) Yeah, well, congratulations there, Cesar, for getting to second base. I mean, for driving in two men…I mean… yeah, congrats and all that. (to TONY) Um, everything cool?

TONY Yeah, things are … cool. Things are pretty cool. Different. But… cool.

EDDIE Everybody’s cool?

TONY (looks around) Yeah, everybody’s cool. I mean, you know, every once in a while, but… fuck it.

EDDIE I’m (pause) glad. Seriously. (smiling) It’s a little weird, I gotta admit, but… (serious again) I’m glad.

JIMBO NO. 2 You stayin’ for the game? C’mon, Eddie, stay for the game. We got a cooler fulla beer, some Jager…

EDDIE Nah, Tami’d screw my head off and use it for an ashtray if told her I was staying out here. I can’t be taking Mikey to the doctor with even a buzz on. Pass. (Looks at cooler.) Nah, I can’t. Gotta go.

JIMBO Whyncha come by next week? Leave the kid at home, come out and have a cocktail or two.

EDDIE Maybe. Mikey’s got a…thing next week.

JIMBO NO. 2 A thing? What kinda thing?

EDDIE (mumbling a little) A…um…soccer game thing.

JIMBO Soccer?? Your kid’s playin’ soccer?

EDDIE (resignation as the fact) Yeah, yeah, my kid’s playing soccer. Actually, he ain’t that bad at it neither.

KALIFA They ain’t got no softball out there?

SIXTEEN INCH 96

EDDIE Yeah, they got softball. That 12-inch shi… (pauses) …12-inch game. But he wants to play soccer, so…

JIMBO (trying to be supportive) Well, that’s good. Him wantin’ to play soccer instead-a… yeah, that’s good.

EDDIE (with conviction) Hey, there’s a long history of soccer-playin’ Polish guys. So it ain’t that crazy.

JIMBO I suppose you’re right. (off-handedly) ‘Course they always kicked it into their own goal, but…(laughs and high fives KALIFA)

EDDIE I’m gonna let that one slide ‘cause I gotta get outta here. I owe you a punch in the chops.

JIMBO I’ll be sure ta remind ya.

CESAR (walking back) Hate to interrupt, but I believe the referee…

TONY Ump.

CESAR … is indicating that the game is about to start. (clapping). Alright men, let’s look alive. Let’s kick their backsides, frontsides and just every one of their sides.

EDDIE What a motivator. He’s a regular Leo Durocher.

TONY Durocher managed the Cubs, you know.

EDDIE Why d’ya think I said it?

(TAMI walks in from side) TAMI (to EDDIE) You ready?

TONY Yeah, you guys go on, we gotta get going here anyway.

SIXTEEN INCH 97

(The team says good-bye to EDDIE and TAMI and begins to walk off the field when JIMBO NO. 2 stops)

JIMBO NO. 2 Hey, Eddie, I wouldn’t sweat it too much, you know? I mean, it ain’t like you’re moving across the country. It’s just fucking Melrose Park. Shit, we used to go to Kiddieland out there all the time, remember? That shitty little amusement park? We’d just hop on the bus and be right there. It’s practically still Chicago.

EDDIE Jimbo No. 2, I’m fine. It’s all good, buddy.

JIMBO NO. 2 Nah, nah, I can tell. I may be the dumbest fucking guy out here…

TONY No one’s arguing…

JIMBO NO. 2 …but you’re a Chicago guy, so wherever you go – boom – it’s Chicago. It’s in you, ya know? You can move but… you’re you. I mean, you can watch the ripples change their size, but they never leave the stream.

EDDIE The ripples change their… what? The fuck does that mean?

JIMBO NO. 2 It’s Bowie. David fucking Bowie? “Changes?” You know… (starts singing “Changes” by David Bowie) “Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes, turn and face the strange, ch-ch-changes…”

EDDIE Ok, Jimbo No. 2, I get it. Bowie. Changes. Things changing. Ripples and streams and all that…

JIMBO NO. 2 Ok, just think about it. See you next week, yeah?

EDDIE Yeah…I guess. (looks at TAMI)

TAMI You waiting for me to give you permission? (to JIMBO NO. 2) He’ll be out here. (to MIKEY offstage) Mikey! Time to go!

MIKEY (voice off-stage) Ten minutes!

SIXTEEN INCH 98

EDDIE Now!

MIKEY Five minutes!

EDDIE Mikey!

MIKEY Three. Final offer.

EDDIE Mikey, get your butt over to the car.

MIKEY Aw, why we gotta go? Why can’t we stay here?

EDDIE ‘Cause we just gotta go, OK? We can’t stay here.

TONY See ya, Eddie.

EDDIE Yeah, Tony. See ya in coupla weeks maybe.

TONY Hey, we’ll be here. (pause) We ain’t going nowhere.

(TONY moves offstage. EDDIE watches. RYAN’S mitt and ball and a 16-inch softball sit on the bench. He picks up RYAN’s mitt and examines it. He puts mitt back on the bench then picks up 16- inch softball and examines it. He plays around with it in his hands a bit then places it back on the bench and walks off. Lights dim a bit as EDDIE begins to leave. He almost exits the stage then returns and picks up 16-inch softball and walks off with it. Lights dim completely.)

END

SIXTEEN INCH