Barsky, A. (2007). Conflict Resolution for the Helping Professions. (2Nd Ed.). Belmont

Barksy (2007) states, “Conflict is pervasive in human interaction; thus, everyone is constantly involved in conflict resolution” (p. 37). I don’t remember conflict in my early youth. In my childhood, my parents’ word was law, and neither dispute nor discussion was tolerated. Consequently, I received my fair share of spankings and spent a lot of time in my room. In my impetuous youth, I was relieved of my car keys and did many extra chores – I remember thinking of our conflicts as power struggles. Conflict between my parents was a private thing, one in which we dared not intervene. We knew it was there, and I was not surprised when my parents divorced in my twenties. While I was born Californian, my parents were both Southerners, and from my observations, our home-life was typical of the home-life in the South. “Respect your elders,” and “Children should be seen and not heard” were elements that did not pass through my generation. I was 31 when our son was born, and he is an only child. Since I or my husband was frequently away, James did not see many conflicts between us, and we treated him with amiable respect. During a period of severe depression after over two years of cancer treatment, James now tells me of times when my temper was out of control and I would hit him or throw things at him, but I have no memory of this. Now that he is an adult, however, we talk things out using research and active listening techniques, and have few conflicts that rise to issues of concern. I think a lot of our family conflict issues rise from what Barsky (2007) terms an “Attitude toward Power” (p. 45). My husband and I are both retired Marine Mustang Officers, and our son is now a Corporal in the Corps. While I am the ranking officer in our family as a Marine, I am foremost a Christian, and I believe that God directs my husband to be in charge of our family (Eph 5:22- 25, KJV). So, while we have many conflicts, I am blessed that my husband gives me free rein, but when he makes a decision, I honor it. Between us, conflict reigns often. My husband grew up in an abusive household that taught him avoidance and accommodation as protective measures. We even discussed this chapter, and he commented that I am “all over that chart” (Barsky, 2007, p. 46). He is right. I shift my style of conflict response to the situation. My innate desire for problem solving causes me to inveigle myself into conflict routinely, and for me, to not become involved requires a highly cognitive decision. Generally speaking, though, like most Marines, I go toward chaos rather than away from it. Reference Barsky, A. (2007). Conflict resolution for the helping professions. (2nd ed.). Belmont, CA: Thomson Brooks/Cole. GRANT: I am the oldest of four children who lived in a single parent, low socioeconomic status household in the south. At a very young age, I found myself placed in adult roles due to the fact that my mother was the only caregiver for our family. We were taught that children did not have opinions and not to disrespect adults in words and deeds. It was challenging for me to always act as a child because there were so many instances in which I had to be an "adult". As a result, I became an accommodator and an avoider. I did not want to upset my mother, therefore, I learned to put the needs of others before mine and tried to avoid being the cause of conflict at all cost. At school, I became a competitor. I knew that my mother and teachers would be proud of me for making good grades and being a model student and that was my motivation. I made every effort to excel academically. Unfortunately, this type of behavior taught me very little about being a collaborator and compromiser. I experienced difficulty establishing and maintaining relationships with my classmates because I "had to be right" and I "had to be the academic excellor." I also lacked compassion for others and was very outspoken. Since we were not allowed to express our feelings at home, I did express myself in other environments which presented a problem for me at home. My mother did not tolerate disrespect towards adults, especially educators. My inability to choose my words wisely and think before I spoke resulted in numerous phone calls to my mother which was not acceptable in our home. I recall not being too fond of my sixth grade teacher and expressing it. She let me act unbecoming for quite some time. When she finally decided to involve my mother in assisting her with changing my behavior, my mother made it known that she would take care of the situation. We were not involved in church and spirituality was not something that I learned about until later in life. At some point, I became resentful and unhappy about having to act as an adult at a very early age. I was very angry. My attitude was not positive and I did not care what anyone thought or said about me. Since God is so awesome, He sent people in to my life who enjoyed my friendship and allowed me to be myself, flaws and all. God sent people who knew the power of collaboration and compromise. He sent people who modeled how to listen actively and ask questions without being judgemental or seeming to have all of the answers. As an adult, mother, wife, and leader, I am more cognizant of my words and how I interact with others. I am moving towards breaking generational curses. I am not perfect, but I move towards improvement on a daily basis.

Reference Barsky, A.E. (2007). Conflict resolution for the helping professions. Florida:Thomson:Brooks/Cole

Sabrina – Thank you for sharing. I admit to smiling at the construct of a competitive youngster in the scholastic setting. I was fiercely competitive for years, and did not even recognize it until that piece of me started to wane. Within the skills sets, it sounds like you emphasized the listening aspects at home and the making statements aspect at school (Barsky, 2007) (Grant, 2014). It is amazing how God uses the people around us to mold us into the tools He needs to do the jobs He has for us. At least, that’s how I see it. Deb References

Barsky, A. (2007). Conflict resolution for the helping professions. (2nd ed.). Belmont, CA: Thomson Brooks/Cole. Grant, S. (2014), Group Discussion Board Post 2, Personal Reflection on CR, EDUC746-D01- LUO-Fall 2014, dated October 29, 2014.

GOAD: Barsky defines conflict resolution as “the various ways in which people or organizations deal with conflict” (2007, p. 2). He also says “conflict in and of itself is neither good nor bad” (Barsky, 2007, p. 3). I was fortunate enough to grow up in a household where conflict was addressed and resolved. Our family went to church and my sister and I learned all the bible stories. Through Cain and Abel, Moses and the Pharaoh, and many other stories of conflict, our basis of how to resolve conflict was developed. With my parents’ guidance through my personal experiences, I was able to cultivate an acceptable method of conflict resolution. I was taught the basic acceptable social expectations and how to deal with other people. Throughout elementary school conflict was prevalent. Luckily, I had a solid base in how to deal with these problems. I also had a good relationship with my parents and was able to gain guidance in difficult situations. Fighting was never an acceptable response to conflict and we were never allowed to put our hands on one another. We were taught that talking was the best way to resolve any issues. As I continued to get older, prayer was another acceptable response to conflict. Growing up in a simple middle class, two-parent, Christian home in southwestern Virginia did not lead to a lot of conflict within my home. However, those difficult teenage years changed that somewhat. My older sister was the argumentative one who always felt she was in the right. But I also had my times of arguing. When we argued, my dad wanted to lecture about why we couldn’t do what we wanted. (She and I now laugh that the punishment wasn’t the worst part of getting in trouble, it was his lectures.) My mom, on the other hand, would give us an answer with a short explanation. If we argued, we may be punished depending on the severity. When my parents made decisions, there was no discussion with the possibility of changing their minds. Although we were never beaten, my parents held fast to Proverbs 29:17 which says, “Discipline your children, and they will give you peace; they will bring you the delights you desire” (NIV). My sister and I also had times of conflict. My parents usually did not get involved and allowed us to work it out. They had given us the basics of resolving conflict and so we had that to refer to. Once again, physical resolutions were never acceptable to our conflicts. And at times when my parents had to intervene, talking was the main way to resolve our disagreement. Barsky, A. E. (2007). Conflict resolution for the helping professions (2nd ed.). Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole.

Meagan: What a blessing to be raised in the church. I wonder if any of us realize it when being raised how much that upbringing has an impact. That ability to talk about your conflicts must provide for a great deal of peace and harmony. Your reflection is a summary of Barsky’s (2013) “Satisfaction Story . . . . Through mediation, people are able to resolve their difference informally, amicably, and in a manner that produces mutually agreeable solutions” (p. 44). To think that “prayer was another acceptable response to conflict” (Board, 2014), is an interesting perspective as well. The ability to find peaceful resolution is, indeed, a blessing. Deb References Barsky, A. (2007). Conflict resolution for the helping professions. (2nd ed.). Belmont, CA: Thomson Brooks/Cole. Goad, M. (2014), Group Discussion Board Post 2, Personal Reflection on CR, EDUC746-D01- LUO-Fall 2014, dated October 29, 2014.

PARKER: Barsky, (2007) suggest, “That the power approach to negotiation views conflicting parties as competitors who in turn will use its power to try to influence the other and gain advantage” (p. 68). Upon reading this statement I began to reflect back to my childhood in effort to address the manner in which conflicts were successfully solved or avoided in my family. As children my siblings and I had no influential power. Our parents ruled with an Iron fist with the motto that children were to be seen, spoken to, and not heard. As long as they provided food, clothing and shelter for us then there was no logical reason for my brother, sister, and I to challenge their axiological system of reasoning when it came to rearing children and maintaining the family household. Additionally, we grew up attending church on a regular basis which resulted in the entire family adopting a Biblical worldview as the major foundation for our social behavior. There would be no rock and roll on Sunday, no demand for an allowance, and teenage romance was strictly forbidden. When making an attempt to get our parents to compromise their tyrannical values we would receive verbal reprimands for violating God’s law of not honoring one’s mother and father. My Christian upbringing left me feeling very powerless and I suspect that my siblings felt the same. Fortunately we were blessed with a loving grandmother who simply amazed us. What my siblings and I noticed was that our grandmother held a significant amount of power over our father and we would use her as leverage to negotiate our concerns especially when it came the new phenomenon called television. As I recall, when it came to corporal punishment my grandmother would administer it rather than have my parents get involved. As I grew older I came to realize that “laws rather than force govern people” and that God’s law was perpetuated to my parents and siblings thought the effort of my grandmother (Barsky, 2007, p. 69). God’s law would come to serve as jurisprudence when it came to settling social conflict in the family with granny serving as a buffer to warn the entire family of the punishment we would receive for violating God’s mandate. It became clear that grandparents are exceptional negotiators due to their life experiences and faith in God’s word over popular secular opinion. This explains why as a Christian I place God’s law over secular law. The Bible states, “Blessed are those who’s way is blameless, who walk in the name of the lord” (Psalm 119:1 English Standard Version) implying that when conflict become apparent, seek God’s wisdom for a solution. I live alone with no immediate family therefore my personal conflicts are few in my personal life. However, as an active church member I find that the conflicts that I incur are church related which tend to resolve themselves through the power of prayer and pastoral negotiations. Reference Barsky, A. (2007). Conflict resolution for the helping professions. (2nd ed.). Belmont, CA: Thomson Brooks/Cole

Vincent – “The power of prayer and pastoral negotiations” (Parker, 2014), what a wonderful tool for conflict resolution. I find it interesting to think that living alone with no immediate family would imbue a life without conflict. It does sound as if your youth inspired you to be more reserved and less confrontational by nature – accommodating and avoiding conflict (Barsky, 2007). In my periods of living alone, I found myself seeking interaction, and thus conflict. It makes me wonder if I am, by nature, a more confrontational person. There is a lot of power in keeping to oneself. Seeking the Lord’s way certainly leads us closer to Him, but I doubt I could ever perceive anyone as blameless. References Barsky, A. (2007). Conflict resolution for the helping professions. (2nd ed.). Belmont, CA: Thomson Brooks/Cole. Parker, V. (2014), Group Discussion Board Post 2, Personal Reflection on CR, EDUC746-D01- LUO-Fall 2014, dated October 29, 2014.

OLIVER: My father was career military and varied between a competitor and an avoider when it came to conflict. He either ignored the problem in the hopes it would disappear, or he raged and resulted to aggressive behaviors in order to resolve the issue (Barsky, 2007, p. 47). My mother was primarily an accommodator and occasionally an avoider (Barsky, 2007, p. 47). When she contemplated the possible results of a confrontation with my father, she became an avoider. My parents were very young when they married and started having children. They both were middle children and had little experience with raising children. As my parents grew older and became grandparents, they have become much more amiable with everyone. Now they seem to take everyone else into consideration when approaching any sort of issue. Geography did not come into play too much because we moved around frequently, but I believe socio-economics did play a factor. Even though moves were taken care of by the military, if we had to live off post it was expensive to get started in a new place. There were frequent issues concerning lack of money, and of course getting paid once a month did not help. A church family was nice when we stayed somewhere more than a year or two, which happened occasionally. Church provided a respite for my parents and it was obvious when the church message affected them. They became more solemn and at peace with themselves and life in general. I have taken a different approach to dealing with conflict and life than either of my parents. I waited until I was finished with my bachelor’s degree prior to having children. This put us in a better socio-economic situation to take care of children and provide for them. Hubby and I also took advantage of books and information from organizations specializing in parenting and child care in our attempt to be the best parents possible. Where my parents were quick to anger and discipline, we talk and reason out why events occurred and the possible consequences or results of the actions. We try to keep a loving atmosphere in our household. Like John when he shared a new commandment wanting us to love one another as He has loved us all (John 13:34-35, ESV).

Barsky, A. (2007). Conflict resolution for the helping professions (2nd ed.). Belmont, CA: Thomson Brooks/Cole

Rebecca –

Your writing was so vivid, I had an immediate visual of your home . . . perhaps that is because a career Marines, I suspect my husband and I echoed your parents in many ways. We did, however, have established careers before our son was born. As he grew, we grew in parenting, and I suspect we are much better parents now that he is grown. Our son has strong opinions and we discuss conflicts openly, but there are occasions when our answers boil down to “my house, my rules” and I wonder (and marvel) if when you “talk and reason out why events occurred and the possible consequences or results of the action” if peaceful resolution always occurs. The reading seems never to say, “NO!” Reference Oliver, R. (2014), Group Discussion Board Post 2, Personal Reflection on CR, EDUC746-D01- LUO-Fall 2014, dated October 30, 2014.