CCN Solutions: Shame on You Page 4

C C N W E E K L Y S O L U T I O N S S E R I E S T H E W E E K O F J U L Y 2 8 , 2 0 0 8

Shame on You

Featuring Dr. John Townsend Psychologist Best-selling co-author of Boundaries series, author of How People Grow

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What has been the result of shame in your life?

I. Shame

Shame is a self-judgment for a real or perceived imperfection

Shame takes different forms

- Shame attack: situational, circumstantial

- Shamed life

You’re the one shaming you, so you can’t get away: there’s no relief

Shame can attack a really good part of you

II. Aspects of shame

Shame comes from relationship

- Attack on yourself

- Withdrawal of love from yourself

- When someone pulls away from you, that creates a vacuum: shame comes in

Once shame happens, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy

Some people use shame to motivate themselves

You internalize shaming voices

I transfer your view of me to my view of me

This works for positive voices as well

Shame is resolved by relationship

The relationship that transforms: where we’re known and loved anyway

- How many shaming people are you around

- How many de-shaming people?

- Are you with people you’re not telling the truth to?

III. Not all shame is bad shame

Healthy shame

A realistic disappointment in how I affect people

We’re responsible for our impact on others

The fruit of good shame 30I will give you great harvests from your fruit trees and fields, and never again will the surrounding nations be able to When people get safe and connected, they can go back scoff at your land for its famines. 31Then and make amends you will remember your past sins and despise yourselves for all the detestable things you did. 32But remember, says the Toxic shame Sovereign Lord, I am not doing this because you deserve it. O my people of A severe condemnation of ourselves Israel, you should be utterly ashamed of all you have done! Condemnation is different than a reminder —Ezekiel 36:30-32

IV. Effects of shame

Hiding in a false self

We pretend to be somebody else

Shame doesn’t solve the problem of badness

Increased alienation

Defensiveness

V. Tips

- Safety: the absence of condemnation and the presence of grace

- Confession: bringing out everything

“The more I confess, the less shame I have”

- Shame’s resolution is by being fully loved

- Distinguish between bad and injured

- Admit mistakes

Next week on Solutions: The One Life Solution, 1: “The Problem—The Solution”

Resources

How People Grow: What the Bible Reveals about Personal Growth by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend www.cloudtownsend.com

Solutions Leaders www.cloudtownsend.com

Solutions Tour: Ultimate Living www.cloudtownsend.com

Ultimate Leadership Workshop www.cloudtownsend.com