Therapeutic Separation - Restarting the Relationship

Sometimes the bad habits of the relationship are so ingrained on a day to day basis that recovering from within the current living situation is nearly impossible. Many couples hang in there hoping for the best and when it doesn't come, end up in a divorce that neither may have really wanted. There is an alternative - therapeutic separation.

Goal: To reinvigorate a broken relationship that has been damaged by stress, work, children or other distractions. Involves counseling and both parties seeking to improve the marriage. Also, can serve a way to experience that harsh reality of what a divorce would feel like before jumping directly to divorce. Distinct from a Trial Separation, where the goal is to test out separation, not to renew the relationship.

Term: Three months to one year, although more than six months may lead to increased distance in the relationship.

Structure: The terms of a therapeutic separation are highly flexible and are initiated by the therapist and agreed to by the couple. The only required terms are that both parties are in solo counseling during the separation and that there is a set end where the couple agrees to come back together. Therapeutic separation can begin with a period of NC (no contact) to allow both sides to have a break, heal and grow before starting interactions. After the NC period, the remaining interactions are limited to “dates”, often weekly, where the couple can get together rediscover the positive aspects of their relationship. Problem solving during dates is discouraged in order to prevent further harm. The dates are usually followed by joint therapy sessions where communication and negotiation skills can be learned and any problems with the date may be addressed.

Living Arrangements: Couples may choose to have one member move out for the term of the separation, or rent an apartment and take turns switching who lives in the marital residence—especially if children are involved. However, if the separation turns to a divorce proceeding, the person living in the house at that time will likely be allowed to remain there. Custody: Custody is negotiated up front and can take any acceptable form.

Finances: The goal of this type of separation is to come back together, so finances are often agreed to be handled as usual. This should be expressly agreed to however to make sure one spouse does not take this opportunity to clean out the bank accounts. There are no legal obligations regarding disposal of assets during a therapeutic separation, so anything can happen.

Risks: -The break caused by the separation may help one the parties disconnect and actually accelerate the end of the relationship. -A pwBPD may see the separation as abandonment and sink deeper into their condition rather than improve, or act out in unpredictable ways. -If the TS does not succeed and the couple heads to divorce, any terms agreed to in the separation could have an impact on the divorce settlement. This could provide critical in custody and home possession issues.