FICTION ESCAPE FROM SPIDERHEAD

BY GEORGE SAUNDERS

TNY—2010_12_20&27—PAGE 110—133SC.—LIVE ART R20325A-I —PLEASE PULL KODAK PROOF FOR PRESS COLOR GUID- ANCE “ rip on?” Abnesti said over the Which was what he always said. been saying (such as “wow” and “oh God” P.A. “Only a million years to go,” I said. and “hell yes” and so forth), we now began D“What’s in it?” I said. Which was what I always said. freestyling re our sensations and thoughts, “Hilarious,” he said. Then he said, “Exit the Interior Gar- in elevated diction, with eighty-per-cent “Acknowledge,” I said. den now, Jeff, head over to Small Work- increased vocab, our well-articulated Abnesti used his remote. My Mobi- room 2.” thoughts being recorded for later analysis. Pak™ whirred. Soon the Interior Gar- For me, the feeling was, approxi- den looked really nice. Everything seemed II mately: Astonishment at the dawning re- super-clear. alization that this woman was being cre- I said out loud, as I was supposed to, nto Small Workroom 2 they sent this ated in real time, directly from my own what I was feeling. pale tall girl. mind, per my deepest longings. Finally, “Garden looks nice,” I said. “Super- I “What do you think?” Abnesti said after all these years (was my thought), I clear.” over the P.A. had found the precise arrangement of Abnesti said, “Jeff, how about we pep “Me?” I said. “Or her?” body/face/mind that personified all that up those language centers?” “Both,” Abnesti said. was desirable. The taste of her mouth, the “Sure,” I said. “Pretty good,” I said. look of that halo of blondish hair spread “Drip on?” he said. “Fine, you know,” she said. “Normal.” out around her cherubic yet naughty- “Acknowledge,” I said. Abnesti asked us to rate each other looking face (she was beneath me now, He added some Verbaluce™ to the more quantifiably, as per pretty, as per legs way up), even (not to be crude or dis- drip, and soon I was feeling the same sexy. honor the exalted feelings I was experi- things but saying them better. The It appeared we liked each other about encing) the sensations her vagina was pro- garden still looked nice. It was like the average, i.e., no big attraction or revul- ducing along the length of my thrusting bushes were so tight-seeming and the sun sion either way. penis were precisely those I had always made everything stand out? It was like any Abnesti said, “Jeff, drip on?” hungered for, though I had never, before moment you expected some Victorians to “Acknowledge,” I said. this instant, realized that I so ardently wander in with their cups of tea. It was as “Heather, drip on?” he said. hungered for them. if the garden had become a sort of em- “Acknowledge,” Heather said. That is to say: a desire would arise bodiment of the domestic dreams forever Then we looked at each other like, and, concurrently, the satisfaction of intrinsic to human consciousness. It was What happens next? that desire would also arise. It was as if as if I could suddenly discern, in this con- What happened next was, Heather (a) I longed for a certain (heretofore un- temporary vignette, the ancient corollary soon looked super-good. And I could tasted) taste until (b) said longing be- through which Plato and some of his con- tell she thought the same of me. It came came nearly unbearable, at which time temporaries might have strolled; to wit, I on so sudden we were like laughing. (c) I found a morsel of food with that was sensing the eternal in the ephemeral. How could we not have seen it, how cute exact taste already in my mouth, per- I sat, pleasantly engaged in these the other one was? Luckily there was a fectly satisfying my longing. thoughts, until the Verbaluce™ began couch in the Workroom. It felt like our Every utterance, every adjustment of to wane. At which point the garden drip had, in addition to whatever they posture bespoke the same thing: we just looked nice again. It was something were testing, some ED556 in it, which had known each other forever, were soul about the bushes and whatnot? It made lowers your shame level to like nil. Be- mates, had met and loved in numerous you just want to lay out there and catch cause soon, there on the couch, off we preceding lifetimes, and would meet and rays and think your happy thoughts. If went. It was super-hot between us. And love in many subsequent lifetimes, al- you get what I mean. not merely in a horndog way. Hot, yes, ways with the same transcendently stu- Then whatever else was in the drip but also just right. Like if you’d dreamed pefying results. wore off, and I didn’t feel much about of a certain girl all your life and all of a Then there came a hard-to-describe the garden one way or the other. My sudden there she was, in your Domain. but very real drifting-off into a number of mouth was dry, though, and my gut had “Jeff,” Abnesti said. “I’d like your per- sequential reveries that might best be de- that post-Verbaluce™ feel to it. mission to pep up your language centers.” scribed as a type of nonnarrative mind “What’s going to be cool about that “Go for it,” I said, under her now. scenery, i.e., a series of vague mental im- one?” Abnesti said. “Is, say a guy has to “Drip on?” he said. ages of places I had never been (a certain stay up late guarding a perimeter. Or is at “Acknowledge,” I said. pine-packed valley in high white moun- school waiting for his kid and gets bored. “Me, too?” Heather said. tains, a chalet-type house in a cul-de- But there’s some nature nearby? Or say a “You got it,” Abnesti said, with a sac, the yard of which was overgrown with park ranger has to work a double shift?” laugh. “Drip on?” wide, stunted Seussian trees), each “That will be cool,” I said. “Acknowledge,” she said, all breathless. of which triggered a deep sentimental “That’s ED763,” he said. “We’re Soon, experiencing the benefits of longing, longings that coalesced into, and thinking of calling it NatuGlide. Or the flowing Verbaluce™ in our drips, we were soon reduced to, one central longing, maybe ErthAdmire.” were not only fucking really well but also i.e., an intense longing for Heather and “Those are both good,” I said. talking pretty great. Like, instead of Heather alone. BILL ARMSTRONG, “I MODI” (2009)/CLAMPART/HACKELBURY, LONDON BILL ARMSTRONG, “I MODI” (2009)/CLAMPART/HACKELBURY, “Thanks for your help, Jeff,” he said. just saying the sex-type things we had This mind-scenery phenomenon

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TNY—2010_12_20&27—PAGE 111—133SC.—#2 PAGE: TEXT REFLOWED DUE TO DESIGN CHANGES was strongest during our third (!) bout of lovemaking. (Apparently, Abnesti had included some Vivistif ™ in my drip.) WRONG ABOUT THE HORSE Afterward, our protestations of love poured forth simultaneously, linguisti- The old woman felt sorry for herself cally complex and metaphorically rich: I and angry at herself at the same time daresay we had become poets. We were many betrayals had afflicted her allowed to lie there, limbs intermingled, she carried grudges for nearly an hour. It was bliss. It was in her throat perfection. It was that impossible thing: that paralyzed speech happiness that does not wilt to reveal the and prevented forgiveness thin shoots of some new desire rising from within it. Unlike you who fear betrayal We cuddled with a fierceness/focus I live my whole lifetime that rivalled the fierceness/focus with in the open air and in the azure present moment which we had fucked. There was noth- like a butterfly or gnat or horse ing less about cuddling vis-à-vis fucking, said the red tulip is what I mean to say. We were all over I burden myself with no expectations each other in the super-friendly way of therefore I can never be betrayed puppies, or spouses meeting for the first time after one of them has undergone a Unlike both of you close brush with death. Everything said the dog seemed moist, permeable, sayable. I consider fierce competition essential to life Then something in the drip began to among dogs rivalry is not betrayal wane. I think Abnesti had shut off the it is energy, leaping and fanged energy Verbaluce™? Also the shame reducer? that makes a top dog Basically, everything began to dwindle. and you are wrong about the horse Suddenly we felt shy. But still loving. We began the process of trying to talk —Alicia Ostriker après Verbaluce™: always awkward. Yet I could see in her eyes that she was still feeling love for me. Ha. “This is Rachel,” Abnesti said on the And I was definitely still feeling love No. P.A. “This is Jeff.” for her. Then it was time for her to go. We “Hi, Rachel,” I said. Well, why not? We had just fucked shook hands. “Hi, Jeff,” she said. three times! Why do you think they call Out she went. “Drip on?” Abnesti said. it “making love”? That was what we had Lunch came in. On a tray. Spaghetti We Acknowledged. just made three times: love. with chicken chunks. Something seemed very familiar Then Abnesti said, “Drip on?” Man, was I hungry. about the way I now began feeling. Sud- We had kind of forgotten he was I spent all lunchtime thinking. It was denly Rachel looked super-good. Ab- even there, behind his one-way mirror. weird. I had the memory of fucking nesti requested permission to pep up I said, “Do we have to? We are really Heather, the memory of having felt the our language centers via Verbaluce™. liking this right now.” things I’d felt for her, the memory of We Acknowledged. Soon we, too, were “We’re just going to try to get you having said the things I’d said to her. My fucking like bunnies. Soon we, too, were guys back to baseline,” he said. “We’ve throat was like raw from how much I’d talking like articulate maniacs re our got more to do today.” said and how fast I’d felt compelled to love. Once again certain sensations were “Shit,” I said. say it. But in terms of feelings? I basically arising to meet my concurrently arising “Rats,” she said. had nada left. desperate hunger for just those sensa- “Drip on?” he said. Just a hot face and some shame re tions. Soon my memory of the perfect “Acknowledge,” we said. having fucked three times in front of taste of Heather’s mouth was being Soon something began to change. I Abnesti. overwritten by the current taste of Ra- mean, she was fine. A handsome pale chel’s mouth, so much more the taste girl. But nothing special. And I could see III I now desired. I was feeling unprece- that she felt the same re me, i.e., what dented emotions, even though those had all that fuss been about just now? fter lunch in came another girl. unprecedented emotions were (I dis- Why weren’t we dressed? We real About equally so-so. Dark hair. cerned somewhere in my consciousness) quick got dressed. AAverage build. Nothing special, just like, exactly the same emotions I had felt ear- Kind of embarrassing. upon first entry, Heather had been noth- lier, for that now unworthy-seeming Did I love her? Did she love me? ing special. vessel Heather. Rachel was, I mean to

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TNY—2010_12_20&27—PAGE 112—133SC.—#2 PAGE: TEXT REFLOWED DUE TO DESIGN CHANGES say, it. Her lithe waist, her voice, her Still, honestly, I felt sadder than sad. “Yes,” I said. hungry mouth/hands/loins—they were I guess I was sad that love was not And that was true. I really didn’t care. all it. real? Or not all that real, anyway? I guess It was like if I put you in the Spiderhead I just loved Rachel so much. I was sad that love could feel so real and and gave you the choice: which of these Then came the sequential geographic the next minute be gone, and all because two strangers would you like to send into reveries (see above): same pine-packed of something Abnesti was doing. the shadow of the valley of death? valley, same chalet-looking house, ac- “Ten seconds,” Abnesti said. “What companied by that same longing-for- IV we’re testing for here is any residual place transmuting into a longing for fondness.” (this time) Rachel. While continuing to fter Snack Abnesti called me into It wasn’t that I liked them both. I enact a level of sexual strenuousness that Control. Control being like the honestly felt completely neutral toward caused what I would describe as a grad- headA of a spider. With its various legs both. It was exactly as if I had never seen, ually tightening, chest-located, sweet- being our Workrooms. Sometimes we much less fucked, either one. (They had ness rubber band to both connect us and were called upon to work alongside Ab- really succeeded in taking me back to compel us onward, we whispered fever- nesti in the head of the spider. Or, as we baseline, I guess I am saying.) ishly (precisely, poetically) about how termed it: the Spiderhead. But, having once been Darken- long we felt we had known each other, “Sit,” he said. “Look into Large Work- floxxed™, I just didn’t want to do that to i.e., forever. room 1.” anyone. Even if I didn’t like the person Again the total number of times we In Large Workroom 1 were Heather very much, even if I hated the person, I made love was three. and Rachel, side by side. still wouldn’t want to do it. Then, like before, came the dwin- “Recognize them?” he said. “Five seconds,” Abnesti said. dling. Our talking became less excel- “Ha,” I said. “I can’t decide,” I said. “It’s random.” lent. Words were fewer, our sentences “Now,” Abnesti said. “I’m going to “Truly random?” he said. “O.K. I’m shorter. Still, I loved her. Loved Rachel. present you with a choice, Jeff. This is giving the Darkenfloxx™ to Heather.” Everything about her just seemed perfect: what we’re playing at here. See this re- I just sat there. her cheek mole, her black hair, the little mote? Let’s say you can hit this button “No, actually,” he said. “I’m giving it butt-squirm she did now and then, as and Rachel gets some Darkenfloxx™. to Rachel.” if to say, Mmm-mmm, was that ever Or you can hit this button and Heather Just sat there. good. gets the Darkenfloxx™. See? You “Jeff,” he said. “You have convinced “Drip on?” Abnesti said. “We are choose.” me. It would, to you, be random. You going to try to get you both back to “They’ve got Darkenfloxx™ in their truly have no preference. I can see that. baseline.” MobiPaks™?” I said. And therefore I don’t have to do it. See “Acknowledge,” she said. “You’ve all got have Darkenfloxx™ in what we just did? With your help? For “Well, hold on,” I said. your MobiPaks™, dummy,” Abnesti the first time? Via the ED289/290 suite? “Jeff,” Abnesti said, irritated, as if try- said affectionately. “Verlaine put it there Which is what we’ve been testing today? ing to remind me that I was here not by Wednesday. In anticipation of this very You have to admit it: you were in love. choice but because I had done my crime study.” Twice. Right?” and was in the process of doing my time. Well, that made me nervous. “Yes,” I said. “Acknowledge,” I said. And gave Ra- Imagine the worst you have ever felt, “Very much in love,” he said. “Twice.” chel one last look of love, knowing (as times ten. That does not even come close “I said yes,” I said. she did not yet know) that this would be to how bad you feel on Darkenfloxx™. “But you just now expressed no pref- the last look of love I would be giving The time it was administered to us in erence,” he said. “Ergo, no trace of either her. Orientation, briefly, for demo purposes, of those great loves remains. You are to- Soon she was merely fine to me, and at one-third the dose now selected on tally cleansed. We brought you high, I merely fine to her. She looked, as had Abnesti’s remote? I have never felt so ter- laid you low, and now here you sit, the Heather, embarrassed, as in, What was rible. All of us were just moaning, heads same emotionwise as before our test- up with that just now? Why did I just go down, like, How could we ever have felt ing even began. That is powerful. That so overboard with Mr. Average here? life was worth living? is killer. We have unlocked a mysterious Did I love her? Or her me? I do not even like to think about that eternal secret. What a fantastic game- No. time. changer! Say someone can’t love? Now When it was time for her to go, we “What’s your decision, Jeff?” Abnesti he or she can. We can make him. Say shook hands. said. “Is Rachel getting the Darkenfloxx™? someone loves too much? Or loves The place where my MobiPak™ was Or Heather?” someone deemed unsuitable by his or surgically joined to my lower back was “I can’t say,” I said. her caregiver? We can tone that shit sore from all our positional changes. Plus “You have to,” he said. right down. Say someone is blue, be- I was way tired. Plus I was feeling so sad. “I can’t,” I said. “It would be like cause of true love? We step in, or his or Why sad? Was I not a dude? Had I not random.” her caregiver does: blue no more. No just fucked two different girls, for a total “You feel your decision would be ran- longer, in terms of emotional controlla- of six times, in one day? dom,” he said. bility, are we ships adrift. No one is. We

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TNY—2010_12_20&27—PAGE 113—133SC.—#3 PAGE: TEXT REFLOWED DUE TO DESIGN CHANGES/INSERTED FOLIO AND ISSUE DATE AT BOTTOM OF PAGE here. I noted that Rogan had a tattoo of a rat on his neck, a rat that had just been knifed and was crying. But even through its tears it was knifing a smaller rat, who just looked surprised. Finally Abnesti came on the P.A. “That’s it, guys, thanks,” he said. “What the fuck was that about?” Rogan said. Good question, Rogan, I thought. Why had we been left just sitting there? In the same manner that Heather and Rachel had been left just sitting there? Then I had a hunch. To test my hunch, I did a sudden lurch into the Spider- head. Which Abnesti always made a point of not keeping locked, to show how much he trusted and was unafraid of us. And guess who was in there? “Hey, Jeff,” Heather said. “Jeff, get out,” Abnesti said. “Heather, did Mr. Abnesti just now make you decide which of us, me or “Always wondered what happened if you tried Rogan, to give some Darkenfloxx™ to?” to drive through without a card.” I said. “Yes,” Heather said. She must have been on some VeriTalk™, because she •• spoke the truth in spite of Abnesti’s withering silencing glance. see a ship adrift, we climb aboard, install leading back to our Domain Cluster. “Did you recently fuck Rogan, a rudder. Guide him/her toward love. “Think, Jeff,” Abnesti said. “Think if Heather?” I said. “In addition to me? Or away from it. You say, ‘All you need you’d had the benefit of ED289/290 on And also fall in love with him, as you did is love’? Look, here comes ED289/290. your fateful night.” with me?” Can we stop war? We can sure as heck Tell the truth, I was getting kind of “Yes,” she said. slow it down! Suddenly the soldiers on sick of him always talking about my fate- “Heather, honestly,” Abnesti said. both sides start fucking. Or, at low dos- ful night. “Put a sock in it.” age, feeling super-fond. Or say we have I’d been sorry about it right away and Heather looked around for a sock, two rival dictators in a death grudge. As- had got sorrier about it ever since, and VeriTalk™ making one quite literal. suming ED289/290 develops nicely in was now so sorry about it that him Back in my Domain, I did the math: pill form, allow me to slip each dictator rubbing it in my face did not make me Heather had fucked me three times. a mickey. Soon their tongues are down one bit sorrier, it just made me think of Heather had probably also fucked Rogan each other’s throats and doves of peace him as being kind of a dick. three times, since, in the name of design are pooping on their epaulets. Or, de- “Can I go to bed now?” I said. consistency, Abnesti would have given pending on the dosage, they may just be “Not yet,” Abnesti said. “It is hours to Rogan and me equal relative doses of hugging. And who helped us do that? go before you sleep.” Vivistif ™. You did.” Then he sent me into Small Work- And yet, speaking of design consis- All this time, Rachel and Heather room 3, where some dude I didn’t know tency, there was still one shoe to drop, had just been sitting there in Large Work- was sitting. if I knew Abnesti, always a stickler in room 1. terms of data symmetry, which was: “That’s it, gals, thanks,” Abnesti said V wouldn’t Abnesti also need Rachel to on the P.A. decide who to Darkenfloxx™, i.e., me And they left, neither knowing “ ogan,” the dude said. or Rogan? how close they had come to getting “Jeff,” I said. After a short break, my suspicions Darkenfloxxed™ out their wing-wangs. R“What’s up?” he said. were confirmed: I found myself again Verlaine took them out the back “Not much,” I said. sitting in Small Workroom 3 with way, i.e., not through the Spiderhead We sat tensely for a long time, not Rogan! but via the Back Alley. Which is not talking. Maybe ten minutes passed. Again we sat not talking for a long really an alley, just a carpeted hallway We got some rough customers in time. Mostly he picked at the smaller rat

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TNY—2010_12_20&27—PAGE 114—133SC.—LIVE ART—A 15137—#2 PAGE: TEXT REFLOWED DUE TO DESIGN CHANGES and I tried to watch without him seeing. suddenly his teeth had a leering quality “No,” I said. Then, like before, Abnesti came on to them. “You honestly don’t feel miffed that the P.A. and said, “That’s it, guys, “Did you by any chance have sex with a girl for whom you felt love was then thanks.” both Rachel and Heather earlier today, funked by two other guys, and, not only “Let me guess,” I said. “Rachel’s in three times each?” I said. that, she then felt exactly the same quality/ there with you.” “What are you, man, a dang psychic?” quantity of love for those guys as she had “Jeff, if you don’t stop doing that, I Keith said. “You’re blowing my mind, I felt for you, or, in the case of Rachel, was swear,” Abnesti said. itmit it!” about to feel for you, at the time that she “And she just declined to Darken- “Jeff, you’re totally doinking with our funked Rogan? I think it was Rogan. floxx™ either me or Rogan?” I said. experimental design integrity,” Abnesti She may have funked Keith first. Then “Hi, Jeff!” Rachel said. “Hi, Rogan!” said. you, penultimately. I’m vague on the or- “Rogan,” I said. “Did you by any “So either Rachel or Heather is sit- der of operations. I could look it up. But chance fuck Rachel earlier today?” ting in the Spiderhead right now,” I said. think deeply on this.” “Pretty much,” Rogan said. “Trying to decide.” I thought deeply on it. My mind was like reeling. Rachel “Decide what?” Keith said. “Nothing,” I said. had fucked me plus Rogan? Heather had “Which of us to Darkenfloxx™,” I “Well, it’s a lot to sort through,” he fucked me plus Rogan? And everyone said. said. “Luckily it’s night. Our day is done. who had fucked anyone had fallen in “Eek,” Keith said. And now his teeth Anything else you want to talk about? love with that person, then out of it? looked scared. Anything else you’re feeling?” What kind of crazy-ass Project Team “Don’t worry,” I said. “She won’t do it.” “My penis is sore,” I said. was this? “Who won’t?” Keith said. “Well, no surprise there,” he said. I mean, I had been on some crazy-ass “Whoever’s in there,” I said. “Think how those girls must feel. I’ll Project Teams in my time, such as one “That’s it, guys, thanks,” Abnesti said. send Verlaine in with some cream.” where the drip had something in it that Then, after a short break, Keith and Soon Verlaine came in with some made hearing music exquisite, and I were once again brought into Small cream. hence when some Shostakovich was Workroom 3, where once again we waited “Hi, Verlaine,” I said. piped in actual bats seemed to circle my as, this time, Heather declined to “Hi, Jeff,” he said. “You want to put Domain, or the one where my legs be- Darkenfloxx™ either one of us. this on yourself or want me to do it?” came totally numb and yet I found I Back in my Domain, I constructed a “I’ll do it,” I said. could still stand fifteen straight hours at who-had-fucked-whom chart, which “Cool,” he said. a fake cash register, miraculously sud- went like this: And I could tell he meant it. denly able to do extremely hard long-di- “Looks painful,” he said. vision problems in my mind. “It really is,” I said. But of all my crazy-ass Project Teams “Must have felt pretty good at the this was by far the most crazy-assed. time, though?” he said. I could not help but wonder what to- His words seemed to be saying he morrow would bring. Abnesti came in. was envious, but I could see in his eyes, “Despite all your shenanigans,” he as they looked at my penis, that he wasn’t VI said, “Rogan and Keith had exactly the envious at all. same reaction as you did. And as Rachel Then I slept the sleep of the dead. xcept today wasn’t even over. and Heather did. None of you, at the As they say. I was again called into Small critical moment, could decide whom to WorkroomE 3. And was sitting there when Darkenfloxx™. Which is super. What VII this unfamiliar guy came in. does that mean? Why is it super? It “I’m Keith!” he said, rushing over to means that ED289/290 is the real deal. ext morning I was still asleep when shake my hand. It can make love, it can take love away. Abnesti came on the P.A. He was a tall Southern drink of water, I’m almost inclined to start the nam- N“Do you remember yesterday?” he all teeth and wavy hair. ing process.” said. “Jeff,” I said. “Those girls did it nine times each “Yes,” I said. “Really nice meeting you!” he said. today?” I said. “When I asked which gal you’d like Then we sat there not talking. When- “Peace4All,” he said. “LuvInclyned. to see on the Darkenfloxx™?” he said. ever I looked over at Keith, he would You seem pissy. Are you pissy?” “And you said neither?” gleam his teeth at me and shake his head “Well, I feel a little jerked around,” I “Yes,” I said. all wry, as if to say, “Odd job of work, said. “Well, that was good enough for isn’t it?” “Do you feel jerked around because me,” he said. “But apparently not good “Keith,” I said. “Do you by any chance you still have feelings of love for one of enough for the Protocol Committee. know two chicks named Rachel and the girls?” he said. “That would need to Not good enough for the Three Horse- Heather?” be noted. Anger? Possessiveness? Resid- men of Anality. Come in here. Let’s get “I sure as heck do,” Keith said. And ual sexual longing?” started—we’re going to need to do a

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TNY—2010_12_20&27—PAGE 115—133SC.—#2 PAGE: TEXT REFLOWED DUE TO DESIGN CHANGES kind of Confirmation Trial. Oh, this is it involve whiskey, gangs, infanticide? I “Drip on?” he said. going to stink.” can’t say. Can I imply, somewhat pe- “Acknowledge,” Heather said. I entered the Spiderhead. ripherally, that her past, violent and sor- Abnesti used his remote. Sitting in Small Workroom 2 was did, did not exactly include a dog named The Darkenfloxx™ started flowing. Heather. Lassie and a lot of family talks about the Soon Heather was softly crying. Then “So this time,” Abnesti said, “per the Bible while Grammy sat doing mac- was up and pacing. Then jaggedly cry- Protocol Committee, instead of me ramé, adjusting her posture because the ing. A little hysterical, even. asking you which girl to give the quaint fireplace was so sizzling? Can I “I don’t like this,” she said, in a quak- Darkenfloxx™ to, which the Prot- suggest that, if you knew what I know ing voice. Comm felt was too subjective, we’re about Heather’s past, making Heather Then she threw up in the trash can. going to give this girl the Darkenfloxx™ briefly sad, nauseous, and/or horrified “Speak, Jeff,” Abnesti said to me. no matter what you say. Then see what might not seem like the worst idea in the “Speak a lot, speak in detail. Let’s make you say. Like yesterday, we’re going to world? No, I can’t.” something useful of this, shall we?” put you on a drip of—Verlaine? Ver- “All right, all right,” I said. Everything in my drip felt Grade A. laine? Where are you? Are you there? “You know me,” he said. “How many Suddenly I was waxing poetic. I was wax- What is it again? Do you have the proj- kids do I have?” ing poetic re what Heather was doing, ect order?” “Five,” I said. and waxing poetic re my feelings about “Verbaluce™, VeriTalk™, Chat- “What are their names?” he said. what Heather was doing. Basically, what Ease™,” Verlaine said over the P.A. “Mick, Todd, Karen, Lisa, Phoebe,” I was feeling was: Every human is born of “Right,” Abnesti said. “And did you I said. man and woman. Every human, at birth, refresh his MobiPak™? Are his quanti- “Am I a monster?” he said. “Do I re- is, or at least has the potential to be, be- ties good?” member birthdays around here? When loved of his/her mother/father. Thus “I did it,” Verlaine said. “I did it while a certain individual got athlete’s foot on every human is worthy of love. As I he was sleeping. Plus I already told you his groin on a Sunday, did a certain other watched Heather suffer, a great tender- I already did it.” individual drive over to Rexall and pick ness suffused my body, a tenderness hard “What about her?” Abnesti said. up a prescription, paying for it with his to distinguish from a sort of vast existen- “Did you refresh her MobiPak™? Are own personal money?” tial nausea; to wit, why are such beautiful her quantities good?” That was a nice thing he’d done, but beloved vessels made slaves to so much “You stood right there and watched it seemed kind of unprofessional to bring pain? Heather presented as a bundle of me, Ray,” Verlaine said. it up now. pain receptors. Heather’s mind was fluid “Jeff, sorry,” Abnesti said to me. “Jeff,” Abnesti said. “What do you and could be ruined (by pain, by sadness). “We’re having a little tension in here want me to say here? Do you want me to Why? Why was she made this way? Why today. Not an easy day ahead.” say that your Fridays are at risk? I can so fragile? “I don’t want you to Darkenfloxx™ easily say that.” Poor child, I was thinking, poor girl. Heather,” I said. Which was cheap. My Fridays meant Who loved you? Who loves you? “Interesting,” he said. “Is that because a lot to me, and he knew that. Fridays I “Hang in there, Jeff,” Abnesti said. you love her?” got to Skype Mom. “Verlaine! What do you think? Any ves- “No,” I said. “I don’t want you to “How long do we give you?” Abnesti tige of romantic love in Jeff’s Verbal Darken floxx™ anybody.” said. Commentary?” “I know what you mean,” he said. “Five minutes,” I said. “I’d say no,” Verlaine said over the “That is so sweet. Then again: is this “How about we make it ten?” Abnesti P.A. “That’s all just pretty much basic Confirmation Trial about what you said. human feeling right there.” want? Not so much. What it’s about is Mom always looked heartsick when “Excellent,” Abnesti said. “Time us recording what you say as you observe our time was up. It had almost killed remaining?” Heather getting Darkenfloxxed™. For her when they arrested me. The trial “Two minutes,” Verlaine said. five minutes. Five-minute trial. Here we had almost killed her. She’d spent her I found what happened next very go. Drip on?” savings to get me out of real jail and in hard to watch. Under the influence of I did not say “Acknowledge.” here. When I was a kid, she had long the Verbaluce™, the VeriTalk™, and “You should feel flattered,” Abnesti brown hair, past her waist. During the the ChatEase™, I also found it impos- said. “Did we choose Rogan? Keith? No. trial she cut it. Then it went gray. Now sible not to narrate. We deemed your level of speaking more it was just a white poof about the size In each Workroom was a couch, a commensurate with our data needs.” of a cap. desk, and a chair, all, by design, impos- I did not say “Acknowledge.” “Drip on?” Abnesti said. sible to disassemble. Heather now began “Why so protective of Heather?” Ab- “Acknowledge,” I said. disassembling her impossible-to-dis- nesti said. “One would almost think you “O.K. to pep up your language cen- assemble chair. Her face was a mask of loved her.” ters?” he said. rage. She drove her head into the wall. “No,” I said. “Fine,” I said. Like a wrathful prodigy, Heather, be- “Do you even know her story?” he “Heather, hello?” he said. loved of someone, managed, in her great said. “You don’t. You legally can’t. Does “Good morning!” Heather said. sadness-fuelled rage, to disassemble the

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TNY—2010_12_20&27—PAGE 116—133SC.—#2 PAGE: TEXT REFLOWED DUE TO DESIGN CHANGES chair while continuing to drive her head floxx™ would do to Heather. Now we through, shall we? Let’s complete it. into the wall. know. The other thing we know, per Complete the next portion of our Con- “Jesus,” Verlaine said. Verlaine’s assessment of your commen- firmation Trial.” “Verlaine, buck up,” Abnesti said. tary, is that you really, for sure, do not Into Small Workroom 4 came Rachel. “Jeff, stop crying. Contrary to what you harbor any residual romantic feelings for might think, there’s not much data in Heather. That’s a big deal, Jeff. A bea- IX crying. Use your words. Don’t make this con of hope at a sad time for all. Even as in vain.” Heather was, so to speak, going down to “ re we going to Darkenfloxx™ Ra- I used my words. I spoke volumes, the sea in her ship, you remained totally chel now?” I said. was precise. I described and redescribed unwavering in terms of continuing to A“Think, Jeff,” Abnesti said. “How what I was feeling as I watched Heather not romantically love her. My guess is can we know that you love neither Ra- do what she now began doing, intently, ProtComm’s going to be like, ‘Wow, chel nor Heather if we only have data almost beautifully, to her face/head with Utica’s really leading the pack in terms of regarding your reaction to what just one of the chair legs. providing some mind-blowing new data now happened to Heather? Use your In his defense, Abnesti was not in on ED289/290.’ ” noggin. You are not a scientist, but Lord such great shape himself: breathing It was quiet in the Spiderhead. knows you work around scientists all day. hard, cheeks candy-red, as he tapped the “Verlaine, go out,” Abnesti said. “Go Drip on?” screen of his iMac non-stop with a pen, do your bit. Make things ready.” I did not say “Acknowledge.” something he did when stressed. Verlaine went out. “What’s the problem, Jeff?” Abnesti “Time,” he finally said, and cut the “Do you think I liked that?” Abnesti said. Darkenfloxx™ off with his remote. said. “I don’t want to kill Rachel,” I said. “Fuck. Get in there, Verlaine. Hustle it.” “You didn’t seem to,” I said. “Well, who does?” Abnesti said. “Do Verlaine hustled into Small Work- “Well, I didn’t,” Abnesti said. “I I? Do you, Verlaine?” room 2. hated it. I’m a person. I have feelings. “No,” Verlaine said over the P.A. “Talk to me, Sammy,” Abnesti said. Still, personal sadness aside, that was “Jeff, maybe you’re overthinking Verlaine felt for Heather’s pulse, then good. You did terrific over all. We all did this,” Abnesti said. “Is it possible the raised his hands, palms up, so that he terrific. Heather especially did terrific. I Darkenfloxx™ will kill Rachel? Sure. looked like Jesus, except shocked instead honor her. Let’s just—let’s see this thing We have the Heather precedent. On the of beatific, and also he had his glasses up on top of his head. “Are you kidding me?” Abnesti said. “What now?” Verlaine said. “What do I—” “Are you fricking kidding me?” Ab- nesti said. Abnesti burst out of his chair, shoved me out of the way, and flew through the door into Small Workroom 2.

VIII

returned to my Domain. At three, Verlaine came on the P.A. I “Jeff,” he said. “Please return to the Spiderhead.” I returned to the Spiderhead. “We’re sorry you had to see that, Jeff,” Abnesti said. “That was unexpected,” Verlaine said. “Unexpected plus unfortunate,” Ab- nesti said. “And sorry I shoved you.” “Is she dead?” I said. “Well, she’s not the best,” Verlaine said. “Look, Jeff, these things happen,” Abnesti said. “This is science. In science we explore the unknown. It was un- known what five minutes on Darken- “Honey, let me call you back—I’m bored.”

TNY—2010_12_20&27—PAGE 117—133SC.—LIVE ART—A 14891—#2 PAGE: TEXT REFLOWED DUE TO DESIGN CHANGES other hand, Rachel may be stronger. She The one where I give him an order and were out front of Frizzy’s, rolling around seems a little larger.” he obeys it?” on the ground. He was quick. He was “She’s actually a little smaller,” Ver- “Docilryde™,” Verlaine said. mean. I was losing. I couldn’t believe it. laine said. “Is there Docilryde™ in his Mobi- I was bigger, older, yet losing? Around “Well, maybe she’s tougher,” Abnesti Pak™?” Abnesti said. us, watching, was basically everybody said. “There’s Docilryde™ in every Mobi- we knew. Then he had me on my back. “We’re going to weight-adjust her Pak™,” Verlaine said. Someone laughed. Someone said, “Shit, dosage,” Verlaine said. “So.” “Does he need to say ‘Acknowledge’?” poor Jeff.” Nearby was a brick. I grabbed “Thanks, Verlaine,” Abnesti said. Abnesti said. it, glanced Mike in the head with it. “Thanks for clearing that up.” “Docilryde™’s a Class C, so—” Ver- Then was on top of him. “Maybe show him the file,” Verlaine laine said. Mike gave. That is, there on his back, said. “See, that, to me, makes zero sense,” scalp bleeding, he gave, by shooting me Abnesti handed me Rachel’s file. Abnesti said. “What good’s an obedi- a certain look, like, Dude, come on, we’re Verlaine came back in. ence drug if we need his permission to not all that serious about this, are we? “Read it and weep,” he said. use it?” We were. Per Rachel’s file, she had stolen jew- “We just need a waiver,” Verlaine I was. elry from her mother, a car from her fa- said. I don’t even know why I did it. ther, cash from her sister, statues from “How long does that shit take?” Ab- It was like, with the drinking and the their church. She’d gone to jail for drugs. nesti said. being a kid and the nearly losing, I’d After four times in jail for drugs, she’d “We fax Albany, they fax us back,” been put on a drip called, like, Temper- gone to rehab for drugs, then to rehab for Verlaine said. Berst or something. prostitution, then to what they call rehab- “Come on, come on, make haste,” InstaRaje. refresh, for people who’ve been in rehab Abnesti said, and they went out, leaving LifeRooner. so many times they are basically immune. me alone in the Spiderhead. “Hey, guys, hello!” Rachel said. “What But she must have been immune to the are we up to today?” rehab-refresh, too, because after that X There was her fragile head, her un- came her biggie: a triple murder—her damaged face, one arm lifting a hand dealer, the dealer’s sister, the dealer’s sis- t was sad. It gave me a sad, defeated to scratch a cheek, legs bouncing with ter’s boyfriend. feeling to think that soon they’d be nerves, peasant skirt bouncing, too, Reading that made me feel a little backI and would Docilryde™ me, and clogged feet crossed under the hem. funny that we’d fucked and I’d loved I’d say “Acknowledge,” smiling agree- Soon all that would be just a lump on her. ably the way a person smiles on Docil- the floor. But I still didn’t want to kill her. ryde™, and then the Darkenfloxx™ I had to think. “Jeff,” Abnesti said. “I know you’ve would flow, into Rachel, and I would Why were they going to Dar- done a lot of work on this with Mrs. begin describing, in that rapid, robo- kenfloxx™ Rachel? So they could hear Lacey. On killing and so forth. But this tic way one describes on Verbaluce™/ me describe it. If I wasn’t here to de- is not you. This is us.” VeriTalk™/ChatEase™, the things scribe it, they wouldn’t do it. How could “It’s not even us,” Verlaine said. “It’s Rachel would, at that time, begin doing I make it so I wouldn’t be here? I could science.” to herself. leave. How could I leave? There was “The mandates of science,” Abnesti It was like all I had to do to be a killer only one door out of the Spiderhead, said. “Plus the dictates.” again was sit there and wait. which was autolocked, and on the other “Sometimes science sucks,” Verlaine Which was a hard pill to swallow, side was either Barry or Hans, with that said. after my work with Mrs. Lacey. electric wand called the Disci Stick™. “On the one hand, Jeff,” Abnesti said, “Violence finished, anger no more,” Could I wait until Abnesti came in, “a few minutes of unpleasantness for she’d make me say, over and over. Then wonk him, try to race past Barry or Hans, Heather—” she’d have me do a Detailed Remember- make a break for the Main Door? “Rachel,” Verlaine said. ing re my fateful night. Any weapons in the Spiderhead? No, “A few minutes of unpleasantness for I was nineteen. Mike Appel was sev- just Abnesti’s birthday mug, a pair of Rachel,” Abnesti said, “years of relief for enteen. We were both wasto. All night running shoes, a roll of breath mints, his literally tens of thousands of underloving he’d been giving me grief. He was remote. or overloving folks.” smaller, younger, less popular. Then we His remote? “Do the math, Jeff,” Verlaine said. What a dope. That was supposed “Being good in small ways is easy,” to be on his belt at all times. Other- Abnesti said. “Doing the huge good wise one of us might help ourselves things, that’s harder.” to whatever we found, via Inventory “Drip on?” Verlaine said. “Jeff?” Directory, in our MobiPaks™: some I did not say “Acknowledge.” Bonviv™, maybe, some BlissTyme™, “Fuck it, enough,” Abnesti said. some SpeedErUp™. “Verlaine, what’s the name of that one? Some Darkenfloxx™.

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TNY—2010_12_20&27—PAGE 118—133SC.—LIVE ART R20339N—PLEASE INSPECT AND REPORT ON QUALITY—#2 PAGE: TEXT RE- FLOWED DUE TO DESIGN CHANGES Jesus. That was one way to leave. and foul us with the ultimate, unwash- Scary, though. able transgression. Just then, in Small Workroom 4, Ra- Wow, I thought, was there some chel, I guess thinking the Spiderhead Verbaluce™ in that drip or what? empty, got up and did this happy little But no. shuffle, like she was some cheerful This was all me now. farmer chick who’d just stepped outside I got snagged, found myself stuck to find the hick she was in love with com- on a facility gutter, and squatted there ing up the road with a calf under his arm like an airy gargoyle. I was there but or whatever. was also everywhere. I could see it Why was she dancing? No reason. all: a clump of leaves in the gutter Just alive, I guess. beneath my see-through foot; Mom, Time was short. poor Mom, at home in Rochester, The remote was well labelled. scrubbing the shower, trying to cheer Good old Verlaine. herself via thin hopeful humming; a I used it, dropped it down the heat deer near the dumpster, suddenly alert vent, in case I changed my mind, then to my spectral presence; Mike Appel’s stood there like, I can’t believe I just did mom, also in Rochester, a bony, dis- that. traught checkmark occupying a slender My MobiPak™ whirred. strip of Mike’s bed; Rachel below in The Darkenfloxx™ flowed. Small Workroom 4, drawn to the one- Then came the horror: worse than I’d way mirror by the sounds of my death; ever imagined. Soon my arm was about Abnesti and Verlaine rushing into the a mile down the heat vent. Then I was Spiderhead; Verlaine kneeling to begin staggering around the Spiderhead, look- CPR. ing for something, anything. In the end, Night was falling. Birds were sing- here’s how bad it got: I used a corner of ing. Birds were, it occurred to me to say, the desk. enacting a frantic celebration of day’s What’s death like? end. They were manifesting as the You’re briefly unlimited. earth’s bright-colored nerve endings, the I sailed right out through the roof. sun’s descent urging them into activity, And hovered above it, looking down. filling them individually with life-nec- Here was Rogan, checking his neck tar, the life-nectar then being passed in the mirror. Here was Keith, squat- into the world, out of each beak, in the thrusting in his underwear. Here was form of that bird’s distinctive song, Ned Riley, here was B. Troper, here was which was, in turn, an accident of beak Gail Orley, Stefan DeWitt, killers all, shape, throat shape, breast configuration, all bad, I guess, although, in that in- brain chemistry: some birds blessed in stant, I saw it differently. At birth, voice, others cursed; some squawking, they’d been charged by God with the others rapturous. responsibility of growing into total From somewhere, something kind fuck-ups. Had they chosen this? Was asked, Would you like to go back? It’s it their fault, as they tumbled out of the completely up to you. Your body appears womb? Had they aspired, covered in salvageable. placental blood, to grow into harmers, No, I thought, no, thanks, I’ve had dark forces, life-enders? In that first holy enough. instant of breath/awareness (tiny hands My only regret was Mom. I hoped clutching and unclutching), had it been someday, in some better place, I’d get a their fondest hope to render (via gun, chance to explain it to her, and maybe knife, or brick) some innocent family she’d be proud of me, one last time, after bereft? No; and yet their crooked desti- all these years. nies had lain dormant within them, From across the woods, as if by com- seeds awaiting water and light to bring mon accord, birds left their trees and forth the most violent, life-poisoning darted upward. I joined them, flew flowers, said water/light actually being among them, they did not recognize me the requisite combination of neurologi- as something apart from them, and I was cal tendency and environmental activa- happy, so happy, because for the first tion that would transform them (trans- time in years, and forevermore, I had not form us!) into earth’s offal, murderers, killed, and never would. o

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