Thursday, March 29, 2018 Vol. I, No. 3 THE STATESMAN THE CONTROVERSIAL CENSUS QUESTION Sydney Gwynn Staff Writer

Monday night the U.S. Department of Commerce announced they were adding a controversial question to the upcoming 2020 decennial census. This question, which hasn’t been included in a census since the 1950 census, asks about the re- spondents citizenship status.

The Department of Commerce’s reinstate- 2018 ARNOLD SPORTS FESTIVAL ment of this question is in response to a re- al funding will be based off faulty, lowered quest by the Department of Justice (DOJ). numbers and this money will not be going bodybuilding’s “Super Bowl”—and the vast Reza Javaheri In December 2017, the DOJ asked for the where it is truly needed or it may not be Arnold Sports Expo that spans the entire addition of this question in order to “pro- available in the quantity that it should be. Staff Writer floor of the Greater Columbus Convention vide census block level citizenship voting This could harm both citizens and non-cit- Center. The Expo boasts over 1,000 booths This year’s Arnold Sports Festival, held per age population (CVAP) data that is not cur- izens alike as they are often both the bene- offering sports equipment, apparel, and nu- tradition in Columbus, OH, took place from rently available from government surveys.” ficiaries of federal funding. The census bu- tritional supplements over the course of the February 28 to March 3, 2018. The Festival The DOJ feels this information is neces- reau acknowledges this by explaining that Festival. Other events that feature promi- is known primarily for the Arnold Classic— sary to better enforce the Voting Rights one’s “community benefits the most when nently include the Arnold Strongman Clas- the men’s open bodybuilding show that takes Act (VRA). Specifically, the DOJ believes the census counts everyone”. sic, USA Powerlifting, and a variety of other place at the Festival every year, second only CVAP data will help with the “enforcement in coverage and prestige to the Mr. Olympia, of section 2 of the VRA, which protects mi- Another concern with an unrepresentative

Continued on Page 4 nority voting rights.” census is the use of these numbers to deter- mine the number of House and Senate seats Congress gives the Department of Com- in the United States Congress each state merce control over which questions are in- will have for the next ten years. If large num- cluded in the census. Secretary Ross of the bers of the population choose not to fill out Department of Commerce explained how the census out of fear, certain states, mainly he took a “hard look” at the DOJ’s request democrat-controlled states, may lose seats. for the inclusion of this question. He con- Before the addition of the citizenship ques- sidered many different opinions from vari- tion was announced, Pennsylvania was al- ous individuals and ultimately concluded: ready projected to drop from 18 to 17 seats following the 2020 census count. “I find that the need for accurate citizenship data and the limited burden that the rein- On March 20th Congresswoman Carolyn statement of the citizenship question would B. Maloney (D-NY) introduced the 2020 impose outweigh fears about a potentially Census Improving Data and Enhanced lower response rate.” Accuracy (IDEA) Act in anticipation of the FRANKLIN’S TABLE FOOD HALL OPENS addition of the citizenship census question. Many criticize the inclusion of this question If passed, this act will ensure “that topics Alison Thompson on the basis that immigrants in the United and questions included in the census are Previously, 3401 Walnut was occupied by States may not feel comfortable revealing properly vetted and not added at the last Staff Writer a food court that offered multiple fast-food their citizenship status and may instead minute”. Minority Leader of of the House, options such as Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, and decide to not fill out the census at all. This Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), voiced her support As students return from spring break for their Quiznos. However, that closed last summer is problematic as the point of the census is by urging Congress to “immediately” pass first day of classes, Franklin’s Table Food in order to make room for the higher quali- to count each resident of this country, not this act. Hall is opening for the first time. ty restaurants that are now being offered by each citizen. Having a potentially large Franklin’s Table. These new restaurants offer portion of the population excluded from Following the announcement of the inclu- Franklin’s Table is located at the corner of a variety of foods including pizza, burgers, the census count could have wide-ranging sion of this question in the census, Cali- 34th and Walnut, across the street from Van falafels, and ice cream. In fact, Penn boasts effects. fornia has filed a lawsuit against the Trump Pelt-Dietrich Library and Meyerson Hall, be- that these new restaurants serve food pre- administration and the state of New York tween CVS and Starbucks. All of the restau- pared by “critically acclaimed chefs” and will The census bureau states that “federal is arranging a multi-state lawsuit with ten rants are open as of 11:00 A.M. on Monday, satisfy any customer despite dietary needs or funds, grants and support to states, coun- other states, including Pennsylvania, indi- March 12. food preferences. ties and communities are based on popula- cating they will join. These lawsuits allege it Continued on Page 2 tion totals and breakdowns by sex, age, race is unconstitutional to include a question on and other factors”. citizenship since the constitutional role of the census is to gather an as accurate as pos- If population sizes are undercounted, sible count of the population and including communities may be underserved. Feder- the citizenship question will clearly lead to TEMPLE STADIUM an inaccurate count.

PAGE 4 The final list of questions for the 2020 cen- sus must be officially submitted by March SATIRE 31st, 2018. Lawmakers have a few more days to attempt to block this addition, how- ever if they are unsuccessful in passing an PAGES 9-12 FILM REVIEWS act to this effect, the states’ lawsuits may PAGES 6-7 still be able to remove this question from the official census questions in 2020. IN THIS ISSUE

Follow us @statesmanofpenn The truly independent student newspaper of the University of Pennsylvania Online at www.statesmanonline.org PAGE 2 THE STATESMAN THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018 FACT CHECK: WOMEN’S MARCH WOMEN’S MARCH’S THREE “FACTS” ABOUT THE NRA

Toren Arginteanu en’s March could have arrived at the conclusion with the fact that white people make up a sub- that “The NRA was the single largest donor to stantially larger proportion of the U.S. popula- Tech & Media Director 45’s presidential campaign,” save simply mak- tion than black people, suggests that far more ing up a statistic and hoping nobody would white people than black people own guns. If we bother to check. assume the pew poll sample was representative The Women’s March organization has marched Daniel Tancredi of the entire U.S. population, more than 12 Editor-in-Chief and campaigned against gun violence and in The NRA claims to defend all people’s second times as many white americans would own guns favor of gun control, frequently butting heads Dominic Gregorio amendment rights but remains silent when the than black americans (using 2010 census num- with the National Rifle Association (NRA). Re- President of ISI Society rights of black and brown people are violated. bers). Without a more comprehensive study, it’s cently, the Women’s March tweeted the follow- Toren Arginteanu difficult to ascertain what percentages of gun ing “3 facts about the NRA:” Tech & Media Director The second claim reads more as opinion than owners are white, black, male, or female. But it fact. But is this opinion justified? is reasonable to expect the NRA board demo- Connor Hart 1. The NRA was the single largest donor to 45’s Finance Director graphics are representative of U.S. gun-owning [Donald Trump’s] presidential campaign. Madison Reasnor From the organization’s page on the NRA, alle- demographics. Even if the NRA were to select Social Chair gations of racism against “black and brown peo- U.S. gun-owners at random, more men than 2. The NRA claims to defend all people’s sec- ple” are twofold. The first concerns the NRA’s women, and far more white people than black Adam Sherman ond amendment rights but remains silent when Staff Writer alleged inaction in response to the police shoot- people, would end up on the board. the rights of black and brown people are violat- ing of black legal-gun owner Philando Castile. Alexander Lenz ed. Staff Writer The NRA has defended its response to Castile’s The Women’s March and other left-of-center death by asserting that, since he illegally pos- political movements are strategically conflating Alison Thompson 3. The NRA board of directors is almost entirely Staff Writer sessed marijuana while carrying his gun, he was the NRA, whose stated goal is to support the white and male. technically not a law-abiding gun owner and so rights of law-abiding gun owners, with recent Bryce Daniels the NRA avoided involvement. Alleging racism and past shooting events. At the national and Staff Writer But these “facts” may not be nearly as factual on the basis of the NRA’s handling of this one state level, we must always make complicated Caleb Kennedy as the Women’s March would have you believe. case would be debatable at best, so the Wom- decisions balancing gun rights with public safe- Staff Writer Let’s examine them in order. en’s March continues with more examples. ty and regarding what role lobbying groups such Chris Tremoglie as the NRA should play in making those deci- Staff Writer The NRA was the single largest donor to 45’s Next, the page accuses the NRA’s “fist of truth” sions. Proliferating misleading or outright fal- Danielle Yampolsky [Donald Trump’s] presidential campaign. Staff Writer advertisement of “demonizing people of col- sified statistics and presenting thinly-defended or” as well as inciting “armed conflict” against opinions as “facts” over social media only serves The website Open Secrets bills itself as a non- Dennis Oussenko “progressives and any of us who exercise our to make this task more difficult. Staff Writer partisan resource of “clear and unbiased infor- First Amendment right to peaceably assemble mation about money’s role in politics and poli- Eric Hoover and exercise our free speech in protest.” The Staff Writer cy.” At the present time, the homepage features advertisement does not call for violence or even an article crediting the Women’s March and James Paron mention people of color. In fact, the only person Staff Writer other movements as a triumph of female activ- of color featured prominently is a black police ism, and another article capitalizing on Parkland Janmiguel Gonzalez officer standing peacefully, presumably watch- and other mass shootings to discuss pro-gun Staff Writer ing over a protest. rights money. Suffice it to say it is unlikely that Jeff Jiang Continued from Front Page this source would underscore the amount or in- Staff Writer When the NRA released a pointed video re- fluence of pro-gun money in politics. Jesse Blanco jecting these accusations, the Women’s March Here is a list of restaurants that can be Staff Writer again accused the NRA of inciting violence: found at Franklin’s Table: Yet still, the site reports a total of less than $1.1 “This is the kind of inflammatory speech that Kara Roche million spent by the NRA on all 2016 candi- Staff Writer leads to acts of hate and violence.” Aside Goldie: Goldie specializes in falafel, dates - republican, democrat, presidential, from the fact that, while certainly emotionally fries, and tehina shakes and is 100% Lindsey Powell congressional, and gubernatorial. Moreover, it Staff Writer charged, neither NRA video called for violence vegan. estimates the total of all pro-gun rights money against any person, this statement that “inflam- Maria Biery (from the NRA or any other source) to candidate Staff Writer matory speech … leads to acts of hate and vio- Pitruco Pizza: Pitruco serves wood-fire Trump specifically at less than $1 million (which lence” sounds slightly hypocritical coming from pizza, and Franklin’s Table will be its Matan Arginteanu is less than the amount of pro-gun control do- a webpage that defended its own right to free first permanent location. Staff Writer nations to candidate Clinton). These figures speech two paragraphs earlier. Michael Moroz suggest that the most the NRA could have pos- Kensington Quarters: Kensington Staff Writer sibly donated to Trump is around $1 million, a Certainly, the women’s march would need to Quarters offers a variety of food includ- gross overestimate that assumes all 2016 NRA Morgan Herrmann provide more solid evidence to back up either ing fish, pork, and burgers; however, Staff Writer donations went to Trump and all 2016 pro-gun accusations of inciting violence or demonizing their main seller at Franklin’s Table is Nik Damjanovic rights donations to Trump were from the NRA. their KQ Burgers. Kensington Quarters Staff Writer people of color. supports local agriculture and sustain- On the other hand, the site values Trump’s total Reza Javaheri The NRA board of directors is almost entirely able practices. Staff Writer campaign in excess of $333 million, of which white and male. Sydney Gwynn $66 million were provided by Trump himself Little Baby’s Ice Cream: Little Baby’s Staff Writer and nearly $134 million by individual dona- Mother Jones reported on the NRA board’s Ice Cream creates handmade ice cream tions. Trize Stephen-Pons supposed overwhelming whiteness in 2013 and non-dairy frozen desserts. Staff Writer and 2018. The more recent stats tell that 83 Now, if you too find these figures somewhat Westley Wedell percent of its 76 board members are men, and The Juice Merchant Juicery and Café: higher than $1 million, your abilities in the Staff Writer 90 percent are white. On inspection, one could The Juice Merchant focuses on making complex arithmetic of comparing two numbers conclude that the NRA board is more over- fresh-pressed juices, smoothies, and to each other have surpassed those of the Wom- stocked with crackers than the grain aisle at sweet and savory dishes, and they are a The Statesman is the truly in- en’s March organization. Even several pro- Whole Foods. But in reality, these numbers ap- vegan restaurant that only uses 100% dependent student newspaper Trump PACs’ donations exceeded $20 million. at the University of Pennsyl- pear to match the general demographics of U.S. organic ingredients. vania. We stand for freedom gun-owners. of speech on campus and Could the overzealous marchers perhaps be DK Sushi: DK Sushi will provide sushi elsewhere, valuing arguments referring to the $30.3 million Open Secrets Mother Jones’s own report acknowledges that from Double Knot. not for their popularity but for claims the NRA spent “in support of” Trump? NRA membership is mostly male. As evidence, their merit. We espouse objec- This figure includes any money spent adver- tivity in reporting and passion they note that 85 percent of its magazine read- Unfortunately, in line with the food tising in support of Trump or in opposition to in discourse on our quest to ers are male. Furthermore, a 2014 pew re- court that previously occupied this lo- bring true diversity of thought Hillary, and cannot be honestly referred to as search poll indicates that many self-reported cation, the restaurants are not a part of to the University. a donation, as asserted by the tweet. Even still, gun owners happen to be white and male. 38 Penn Dining and will therefore not ac- the $30 million in NRA money is dwarfed by Send news tips and letters to percent of men responding to the poll reported cept Penn Cash or Dining Dollars. both individual contributions and Trump’s own [email protected] owning a gun, compared to 31 percent of wom- self-financing. If you are interested in joining en. Additionally, 41 percent of white respond- ers claimed gun ownership compared to only 19 us, email us or find us on social Thus, there is no reasonable way that the Wom- media @statesmanofpenn percent of black responders. This, compounded THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018 THE STATESMAN PAGE 3 WHITE GENOCIDE ADVOCATE INVITED TO PENN TO DISCUSS RIGHTS BY RACE

Bryce Daniels with context.” The value that she was trying to achieve, Ben-Porath stated, Staff Writer was the “context for acceptability.”

The University of Pennsylvania’s Andrea Ciccariello-Maher contended that aca- Mitchell Center for the Study of Democracy demically invited speech was different hosted a “free speech” panel on January 26. than speech solicited by private donors The invited panelists included white geno- because “donors advocate controver- cide advocate and ex-Drexel University Pro- sial speakers.” As a result, Ciccari- fessor George Ciccariello-Maher, Princeton ello-Maher claimed that the ultimate University Professor Keith Whittington, and means to “academic freedom” was Special Assistant to the University of Penn- through disallowing speakers solicited sylvania President Sigal Ben-Porath. through private donors to speak on a university’s campus. Moderator, President-Elect of the American Political Science Association, and Associate The logic behind this stance was that Dean of Social Sciences at the University “Nazis don’t agree with the idea of free of Pennsylvania Rogers Smith began the speech,” even though they themselves conversation by inquiring as to where the are protected by it. Ciccariello-Ma- boundary for free speech was in regard to her then stated that speakers such as universities. Charles Murray should be disallowed from speaking at universities even if Ben-Porath commented that “free speech there is a sizeable demand because should operate within the university mis- Murray does not fit Ciccariello-Ma- sion as well as social contexts.” She then her’s definition of “academic speech.” introduced the idea of allowing “power differentials” to weigh in on how speech is When commenting on Ben-Porath’s represented. The practicality of this new “power differential” assessment, an dynamic, Ben-Porath contended, would be audience member recalled that in De- that “everyone can in effect participate and cember of 2016, Ciccariello-Maher contribute to the conversation.” had tweeted “All I want for Christmas is white genocide.” The relation was The idea presumed that the status quo did that Ciccariello-Maher’s defense of this not allow everyone to “in effect” contribute tweet was the claim that “white is not a Now, the arguments that race exists are should be taken away. However, if Jew- to conversations because of the different race, it’s a power structure.” deeper than the misunderstandings, but for ish-Americans identify themselves as white, “power differentials” between students. simplicity’s sake, let us examine the “white and George Ciccariello-Maher wants white When asked to explain what power differ- Now, this “race is a social construct idea” is genocide” factor of Ciccariello-Maher’s genocide, then that effectively makes him a entials looked like, Ben-Porath stated “that growing among Penn students, so allow me speech. In defending his lust for white geno- Neo-Nazi poster child. It is ironic and hypo- some people tend to speak more and be the space to systematically dismantle this cide, Ciccariello-Maher claimed in an inter- critical that he would like other Nazis’ speech listened to more than others, and that un- gross misunderstanding. The irony in the view with Tucker Carlson that the idea of rights taken away, yet his Nazi speech rights dermines our goals and are divine and sacred. mission,” though she admitted asymmetrical What the night eventually representation of voices devolved into is George “[is] not unconstitutional Ciccariello-Maher and Si- or otherwise legally prob- gal Ben-Porath agreeing lematic.” that speech rights should be based on power. This Ben-Porath then argued power, they argued, was that the university had rooted in race. The dual an obligation to combat advocacy for rights based the “power differential” on one’s race inherently dynamic by “look[ing] at meaning a lack or excess how we regulate and pro- of power (though race is mote speech” because a social construct so the people who experience power one has can change “a new level of diversity” on campus are af- following contradiction is clear: the same white genocide was inherently preposterous overnight) is what the roots of slavery were fected by this “new burden” of competing students who claim that “white is not a race” and could never happen, therefore it was ac- founded on. It is archaic to make the argu- speech space and “are disproportionately are often the first to cite “white privilege” as ceptable to wish for such an event. ment that the only way to love each other harmed by speech on campus.” an immediate cause of social strife. These equally is to oppress each other equally. For beliefs cannot coexist. Besides the fact that In 2013, Pew Research conducted a poll of those students who support revenge and ret- The special assistant also took care to delin- anthropology is predicated on exploring Jewish identity. Over 90% of the Jewish peo- ribution for centuries of hatred, the question eate where the line between limiting speech these races, it is marvelous how some Penn ple surveyed considered themselves white. becomes: where does it end? The answer is: so that others could “in effect” speak and students seem to have the wisdom to upend Now, Ciccariello-Maher, in his tirade against never. allowing total free speech would be drawn. centuries of scientific research—then again, Charles Murray at the “Free Speech” Panel, The “line is relative to the campus communi- I have never heard a scientist say “race is a was upset that Neo-Nazis could speak on ty” because “the response to speech changes social construct.” campus and asserted that their speech rights

WANT TO WRITE FOR US? SEND US AN EMAIL: [email protected] PAGE 4 THE STATESMAN THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018

Continued from Front Page ing’s timeless competitor, having competed sling around. Another victor of Friday’s events was Whit- professionally since 1999 (including a 7th ney Jones, who captured the title of Ms. Fit- place finish at that year’s Arnold Classic Another highlight of Saturday was Anglica Olympic, strength, and dance and fitness ness International against a strong lineup of competition). His nickname, “The Blade”, Teixeria’s repeat Ms. Bikini International competitions. competitors. She was followed by Cydney was given to him on account of his consis- victory, with Janet Layung, Casey Samsel, Gillon, Heather Dees, Michelle Silva, and tently razor-sharp conditioning and muscu- Romina Basualdo, Jen Ronzitti, coming in Starting on Friday, the Arnold’s first main Bojana Vasiljevic to round out the top five. lar hardness. 2nd – 5th. day of events, two events drew the headlines: Saturday was the day of the main event of the the Arnold Classic 212lb Division, stacked weekend, the Arnold Classic Men’s Open Jackson brought that same conditioning to In Men’s Physique, Andre Ferguson, who with strong and always competitive names Bodybuilding competition. Dennis Wolf, a the stage this year, though that might have had finished runner-up in the Olympia this like Guy Cisternino, Jose Raymond, and Da- perennial Mr. Olympia and Arnold Classic been the only edge he had over Bonac. Bo- past year, took home the Arnold title, beat- vid Henry, saw a dark horse contestant take competitor and 2014 Arnold Classic cham- nac looked fuller and was still incredibly ing the likes of Raymond Edmonds and Bran- the top spot: Kamal Ergargni, a 46-year old pion, was the wild card of the event: return- conditioned, enough so to give him the edge don Hendrickson, who came in 2nd and 3rd competitor from Libya making his Colum- ing from a neck injury in 2016 that saw him over Jackson and a 1st place finish to im- respectively. Logan Franklin and George bus debut. Charles Dixon, Samir Troudi, miss that year’s Olympia, all eyes were on prove upon last year’s 3rd place finish at the Brown rounded out the top 5. David Henry, Jose Raymond, and Guy Cis- him as he returned to the stage. Arnold. Cedric McMillan, last year’s Arnold ternino rounded out the top five. Wolf, however, came back lacking the upper Classic champion known for his aesthetics Saturday also saw Ronda Rousey, UFC body size he normally carries, and was un- and superior posing, came in 3rd due large- sensation and now WWE superstar, get in- History was also made in the first-ever Clas- able to crack the top 6. His leg development ly to a lack of conditioning, especially in his ducted into the International Sports Hall of sic Physique competition at the Arnold, as and overall conditioning were impressive, lower body. The arm-dominant, gigantic Ro- Fame. Breon Ashley took home the inaugural title however, and many saw the quality of his elly Winklaar came in 4th, with Steve Kuclo against strong opposition. He was followed physique, given the short time he had to pre- and Lionel Beyeke coming in 5th and 6th Sunday marked the last day of the compe- by Arash Rahbar, a perennial contender at pare for the show upon fully recovering from respectively. tition, with most of the action already in the Mr. Olympia competition, Courage Opa- his injury, as a very optimistic sign; it seems Hafthor Bjornsson also made the highlight hindsight. One event of note, however, was ra, Danny Hester, and Kevin Ford in fifth. to be just a matter of time until Wolf is back reels on Saturday: after a strong showing Martin Licis’ “Rockover Squat” lift, at 560 in full gear, pushing the top 5 regularly on on Friday, many were looking to see if “The pounds; the “Rockover Squat” is an old-fash- Friday also saw Hafthor Bjornsson—the gi- the Olympia and Arnold stages. Mountain” could best his 2nd place finish ioned exercise, which dates back to the ant of a man who plays the Game of Thrones at last year’s Arnold Strongman Classic and days when barbells were simply kept on the character “The Mountain”—win the bag- The winner of the event was William “The take home the title. Bjornsson was able to do ground instead of in not-yet-existent squat over-bag throw and place third in the stone Conqueror” Bonac. Bonac was followed so, and set a world record along the way. racks, and athletes who wished to squat had shoulder as part of the Strongman Classic, closely by Dexter “The Blade” Jackson in to stand the bar up on one end and “rock” it beating last year’s winner, American Bri- second place; the two men placed 3rd and Bjornsson managed to deadlift 472kg— onto their backs. Licis’ monstrous poundage an Shaw, in both events. Impressively, this 4th, respectively, at this past year’s 2017 1041 pounds—on Saturday, using every bit set a world record in the event. Sunday also would not be Bjornsson’s greatest feat in Mr. Olympia competition, so many pre- of his 6’9, 390lb frame to hoist the weight on featured rowing competitions, chess match- Columbus that weekend (more on that to dicted that it would be close again between the “Elephant Bar,” a specific barbell craft- es, and amateur boxing. come). them. Jackson, 48, is known as bodybuild- ed specifically to carry the weight these men

TEMPLE FOOTBALL STADIUM CONSTRUCTION DE- VOLVES INTO SENSELESS PROTEST up homes and kick people Westley Wedell out, and the vibe of North Staff Writer Philadelphia wouldn’t be drowned out by a massive While Penn may be the most famous coliseum towering over college in the City of Brotherly Love, smaller row homes. In spite it could easily be argued that Temple of this, group-think pro- University is the quintessential Philly testing persists. college. With close to 30,000 un- dergraduates, around three-quarters People have bought into of whom hail from Pennsylvania, it is mindless propaganda. For- the largest university in Philadelphia. mer Temple professor Dr. Temple currently plans on construct- Anthony Monteiro spoke ing a 35,000 seat football stadium on out to a crowd saying, campus. At the moment, the school “This is a form of genocide. pays $1 million annually to rent out North Philadelphia is not Lincoln Financial Field, a venue over just a location. It’s a spir- 6 miles from campus that barely fills itual universe… This is an up given the 60,000 seat capaci- issue of white supremacy… ty. Building an on-campus stadium Who’s running the show? would save money, boost attendance White corporate men. This to games, and strengthen the football is an institution founded on program, and with a stronger team white supremacy.” Polariz- the possibility of increasing interest ing the issue as Monteiro among high schoolers to study at has done will only further Temple. However, some fiercely op- prevent others from under- pose the university’s proposed stadi- standing the nature of the um—often for misguided reasons. situation. Moreover, the so-called “Stadium Stomp- The issue is mistakenly labeled as ers” who protest Temple’s a gentrification issue when that is plans and have prevented simply not the case. No local homes public meetings concern- would be demolished in the process of ing construction from tak- stadium construction, for the plot for ing place are not even local residents. that their potential concerns wouldn’t ever, when thoughtless individuals building ins only on Tempus campus. come to fruition, the university could get swept into the virtue-signalling The university does not intend to buy If people listened to Temple and saw smoothly begin construction. How- mob, there are real consequences. THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018 THE STATESMAN PAGE 5

FACEBOOK’S DATA LEAK AND WHY IT MATTERS

Morgan Herrmann As users of the platform, we tend to ignore If anyone asked you on the street to provide Following this public outcry, there are calls its underlying structure in favor of its per- the information Facebook already possesses for Zuckerberg to testify before Congress, Staff Writer ceived benefits. about you, you would probably (hopefully) some even going so far as to demand Face- say no. Facebook, however, has created book be shut down. While shutting the plat- The world’s most popular social network has Facebook has created a haven for users to an environment where users let their guard form down is simply unrealistic, regulation recently come under fire for a careless ap- willingly reveal their personal information, down and in fact, willingly give up private is necessary for massive tech companies to proach to handling of user data. Facebook, from friend lists and geotags to things you information about themselves. It is a site be controlled rather than giving them free a platform with over 2 billion active users, may have mentioned out loud, but never many of us check repeatedly, wasting hours reign. After all, these are companies that in- is now facing heavy scrutiny for a supposed searched online. Instagram, which is owned scrolling through a feed that’s just interest- filtrate our phones, media, and homes. leak of information to the voter profil- There exists a balance ing company, Cam- of regulation that still bridge Analytica. allows for innovation and advancement, but Though Facebook we aren’t there yet. and similar net- Our society has put works seem de- astounding amounts signed with the us- of trust into corpora- er’s desires in mind, tions that essentially this is not entirely trick users into giv- the case. What ing up personal de- began as a straight- tails, which are sold forward social mis- to other companies at sion to connect drastic prices so those individuals based companies can more on mutual friends efficiently sell to us. It and interests has transformed into more of by Facebook, even has constant access to ing enough to help us procrastinate a little brings into question the ethical boundaries a corporate scheme than many of us would a user’s microphone that allows the app longer, and just important enough for us to of data collection, which cannot be estab- like to admit. Though Mark Zuckerberg to place digital ads based on spoken word forgo an in person conversation. It has an lished until some form of regulation exists began Facebook as a college student, he no alone. In fact, LinkedIn’s fastest growing addictive effect that a massive population on the means Facebook uses to interact with longer shares the defining characteristics of jobs are largely associated with the fields of has fallen victim to. That said, while securi- its users. a startup developer. It is true that Facebook data science, language processing, and data ty of user data should be imperative for tech provides users with a means of connection, driven development, which are critical to giants, it’s also on us to know when to step but at its core, Facebook has evolved into a companies who seek to target specific indi- away. business with clear financial and social goals. viduals.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? LET US KNOW ON FACEBOOK OR TWITTER @STATESMANOFPENN PAGE 6 THE STATESMAN THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018 FILM REVIEW: DARKEST HOUR

Chris Tremoglie the way Darkest Hour does. For example, in one of the opening scenes, Churchill scolds Staff Writer a female staffer for not following his instruc- tions. Subsequently, a later scene shows They say World War II delivered the great- Churchill being reprimanded by his wife est generation, a compliment bestowed upon for this. His wife, Clementine, portrayed by those who served in the war because of their Kristin Scott Thomas, reminds him to “be bravery. And while this is undoubtedly true, nice to others.” This delivers a metaphorical their tales of war have produced great cine- message of constant criticism of Churchill ma. In fact, one might even dub World War as well as female empowerment. His wife’s II movies the most celebrated genre. In the guidance and influence affect how Churchill past six months, there have been two movies interacts with others. This personal depth released on the topic. The films – Dunkirk is something this film delivers that previous and Darkest Hour – have been critically ac- World War II, John Wayne-esque, rah-rah claimed. The most recent release, Darkest movies of past generations do not. Hour, may very well be one of the greatest World War II biopics of all time. Churchill’s flexibility proves to be one of his most significant assets in the film. Clemen- On February 27th, Darkest Hour was re- tine enables this flexibility. Thomas’s Clem- leased on DVD. Gary Oldman, portraying entine has a limited number of scenes, but Winston Churchill, won the 2018 Oscar for they are delivered with a fantastic magnitude Best Actor in a Leading Role. of influence on Churchill’s character. A sub- liminal nod to female empowerment, this In Darkest Hour, the biopic chronicles re- flexibility was presented as a primary reason vered British Prime Minister Winston Chur- he was able to build a coalition government chill. It centers on the struggles Britain faces in this time of crisis. in its battle against Hitler and Nazi Germa- ny. The setting predates the United States Incidentally, the plot is filled with dramatic involvement in the European theater of the irony. In one scene Churchill is portrayed war. as a willing collaborator. In another, the film depicts Churchill as a man of conviction. The film has a fantastic cast. In addition to Darkest Hour paints him as the sole politi- famed actor Gary Oldman, the film also stars cian willing to go against the philosophy of Ben Mendelsohn, Kristin Scott Thomas, Lily appeasement established by his predeces- James, Stephen Dillane, and Ronald Pickup. sor. Churchill’s defiance and willingness to declare war against Hitler “at any cost,” a Darkest Hour is an exhilarating and inspi- position garnering almost no support by his rational story. Based on factual events, the fellow British leaders, is depicted as a solo movie begins at the precipice of World War act. His heroic stand, built up during the first II. Shortly after becoming Prime Minister part of the movie, is an integral part of the of Great Britain, Winston Churchill is faced film. When so many wanted to seek peace sums it up best: the two films was the sense of struggle that with the challenge of ensuring the survival and did not want to repeat the atrocities of Darkest Hour offers the audience. This of the United Kingdom. He must face one the Great War, there stood Churchill alone, “Whereas Nolan’s Dunkirk so thrillingly il- sense of struggle, conflict, and urgency was of his most tumultuous and challenging advocating for war and conflict even though lustrated the military rescue at Dunkirk, all not delivered to me in Dunkirk. Perhaps ordeals. After Britain suffers a series of de- he realized what they entail. but banishing Churchill to a newspaper arti- because it lacked a central protagonist, feats, Churchill must de- Dunkirk doesn’t convey cide whether to explore a the imminent threat of de- negotiated peace treaty or feat Europe faced. Darkest remain firm and continue Hour emphasized the dire to fight against the evils of circumstances that faced Nazi Germany. As Hitler’s Western Europe and how unrelenting forces domi- freedom hung in the bal- nate across Western Eu- ance of Britain’s decisions rope and threaten invasion, – at least until the United Churchill is faced with a States arrived. daunting task. Whatever choice he makes will for- If you are a fan of World ever change the course of War II movies, then Dark- history. Additionally, with est Hour is an absolute the pressure of immense must see! A gritty and in- public fear, a skeptical spiring film, it was a micro- King, and his own party cosm of the war within the conspiring against him, conflict against Nazi Ger- Churchill must endure his many. Faced with signifi- “darkest hour.” He must rally a nation and The film overlaps somewhat with the oth- cle read aloud at the end of the film, Darkest cant bloodshed in battle or being sacrificed stand firm in his decisions to ensure the sur- er World War II drama released this year, Hour spends nearly every scene at the prime on the altars of Britain’s political elite, alone vival of his country. Dunkirk. While that movie was also critical- minister’s side — except for the first cou- stands Churchill. An inspiring movie, Dark- ly praised, I was not a fan. Dunkirk, a prod- ple, during which Churchill is dramatically est Hour will leave you with goosebumps as Darkest Hour is a compelling film. All World uct of Oldman’s fellow Dark Knight trilogy absent, represented only by the bowler hat you view freedom and liberty’s hellish obsta- War II films typically have a sense of patri- alum, Christopher Nolan, was not as inspir- left behind in his empty seat in the House of cles in the early days of the European theater otic reverberation, as a story of good versus ing as Darkest Hour. It was also not as en- Commons.” of World War II. the evils of Nazism. However, very few go tertaining. In fact, I was utterly bored during into the personal world of the protagonist that movie. Hollywood magazine, Variety, For me, one of the main differences between

WHAT MOVIES SHOULD WE REVIEW NEXT? SEND SUGGESTIONS TO [email protected] THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018 THE STATESMAN PAGE 7 FILM REVIEW: BLACK PANTHER Connor Hart Chadwick Boseman) exudes a regal presence to break a number of significant and a concern for his people in every action. trends. The premise still falls Finance Director His heroic portrayal will no doubt linger with within standard Marvel tropes, all who watch the film. Setting also dazzles despite its best efforts. The The latest release in the Marvel Cinematic the viewer, with a striking representation of plot of the movie follows the Universe, Black Panther has found great suc- Wakanda and superb visual design. same path as previous install- cess both critically and at the box office. Rot- ments, with the introduction ten Tomatoes gives the film a score of 97% Much has been made of the racial representa- of a source of power, an intro- certified fresh, with 79% of the audience tion within the movie. Undoubtedly this is an ductory battle, turmoil, a lost leaving satisfied. Perhaps equally as impres- important development within cinema. Few battle, and a final victorious sive is the recent accomplishment of over movies with budgets of this size and such showdown. The trend of mak- one billion dollars in earnings. Of course, as a degree of publicity have had a similarly ing the villain a reflection of the a MCU enthusiast, I went to see the movie. composed cast. Hopefully, studios will no- hero, with a similar power set My thoughts are as follows. tice the success of Black Panther and create but a twisted motivation, is also more movies like it in the future. The more found. Black Panther was an excellent movie. The overt political rhetoric present surrounding action was well done, the stakes high, the race was limited to perhaps a few minutes of At the end of the day, I find characters developed, and it checked all the runtime. The sentiments expressed during Black Panther to be among right boxes. Killmonger (played by Michael these periods were relevant to the topic, but the best movies in the MCU B. Jordan) is a compelling villain who possess not requisite, and likely detracted from the thus far. It functions well as a an edge often lacking in movies this large. movie more than they added. Regardless of standalone film, appeals to the His introduction in a daytime heist grabs the political ideology, most people do not go to average viewer, and leaves the the Rotten Tomatoes critical rating to be a attention of the viewer and holds it for the the movies to hear an opinion, but for enter- audience satisfied. Despite its flaws, which bit high, I recommend the movie to anyone entire movie. He is, without a doubt, among tainment. include more political commentary than nec- looking for a pleasant way to spend 2 hours. the most interesting of the villains we have essary and a predictable formula, the movie seen thus far. Likewise, T’Challa (played by Unfortunately, as good as the movie is, it fails breaks away from the pack. Though I find Rating: 9/10

GETTING PUMPED: TIPS FOR A HEALTHY HEART Jeff Jiang the European Heart Journal examining this As the lead author of the research put it, “If port from Harvard Health Publishing notes exact relationship. Around 300,000 men you’re healthy, you can lower your risk of that decades of mostly sedentary behavior is Staff Writer and women of ages 40 to 69 participated in cardiovascular disease by being as slim as detrimental to the heart muscle. However, this ambitious undertaking, which followed possible within the normal range of B.M.I.” recovery of heart health is possible through There’s a strong argument to be made that the subjects for 5 years on average. The an array of aerobic exercises. What you eat, the heart is the most important organ in the researchers found that a body mass index At the same time, it is important to recognize as you might expect, also plays a role in how body. Without it, not much else would func- (BMI) of lower than 18.5 was associated the shortcomings of the BMI, which can tell healthy your heart will be. For example, con- tion. Consequently, maintaining heart health with a greater risk of heart disease. (Accord- you that you’re overweight when you really sumption of asparagus is related to a better should be a top priority in life. This should ing to the National Institutes of Health, BMI aren’t. Take, for example, Connor McDavid, heart. be the case even at a young age, as lifestyle is “a measure of body fat based on height and the 2016-17 National Hockey League MVP. and other health-related choices made early weight that applies to adult men and wom- Here’s a video of him skating at speeds up to Finally (and quite unfortunately), a spoiler on in life can have detrimental consequences en.” Here’s a link to a calculator you can use 25 miles an hour. Pretty fit guy, wouldn’t you alert: a healthy lifestyle does not guarantee down the road. So, have you thought about to find out what your BMI is.) Interestingly, say? BMI doesn’t think so. In fact, according a life free of heart trouble. “Bad” genes in- your heart recently? No, not who you’d give this association was nonexistent among non- to this index, he is slightly overweight! In the herited from the previous generation could it to. How to keep it healthy. Well, if you ha- smokers. A BMI between 22 and 23 cor- end, athletes and muscular folks in general make one more vulnerable to heart disease. ven’t, now is the time to start thinking about related with the lowest risk of heart disease, should take the BMI with a grain of salt, as it, with the help of expert tips on how to be- whereas BMI values above 23 were shown to should older folks and those experiencing All in all, however well you may have taken come a champion for your heart. have a direct relationship with this risk. Last- muscular loss. care of your heart up to this point, there are ly, a similar finding associated percent body ways to make your heart even healthier. It’s Let’s begin by exploring whether body mass fat mass with chances of heart disease. Whether the BMI works for you or not, there not too late to take it to the next level which, has anything to do with a healthy heart. The are many effective things you can do to make as you might expect, takes heart itself. New York Times cites a rather large study in What’s the main takeaway from all of this? sure that your heart is healthy. A recent re- PAGE 8 THE STATESMAN THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018

PROPOSED GAS TAX WOULD BE INEFFECTIVE

Maria Biery that pays for the maintenance of public roads use the trust for road maintenance. It isn’t with an estimated 20-cent per gallon increase and bridges. This is an outdated mode of unheard of for the funds to be used on unre- in fuel prices, 60 percent of consumer sav- Staff Writer generating revenue, and the trust fund is lated government projects like squirrel sanc- ings from tax reform will be eliminated. Tax already suffering. With the emergence of al- tuaries and bike paths. reform is the most obvious accomplishment American taxpayers breathe a sigh of relief as ternative-fuel cars and higher fuel-efficiency that Republicans can hold up before mid- they begin to see the effects of December’s standards, the tax does not generate money If the government can’t be trusted to use tax terms. A tax increase that hurts the middle tax reform on their paychecks. That little the way it once did and those who avoid the revenue for its intended purpose, why should class and takes away the benefits of tax reform bit of extra cash in a working-class person’s tax don’t pay for their contribution towards hard-working Americans pay more for their would be a bad move for Republicans. pocket alleviates some of life’s daily monetary stresses. Soon This tax is not sound economic though, this newfound comfort policy, and it defeats the purpose may be stripped away because of the administration’s infrastruc- Americans might have a new tax ture plan. Prices of consumer to worry about—a 25-cent gas tax goods, as the cost of transpor- increase. tation rises, will increase, and consumers will not have as much In a meeting with lawmakers at disposable income to power the the end of February, President economy. The infrastructure Trump repeatedly floated the idea package seeks to empower local of increasing the 18.4 cent-per- governments to fix up their com- gallon gas tax by 25-cent in order munities, but a federal gas tax to offset some of the expense for goes against the idea of limited his $1.5 trillion infrastructure government. Given, America package. The U.S. Chamber of Commerce the deterioration of the roads. Congress has gas? This hike will disproportionately affect needs to update its eroding infrastructure, came out in support of the tax hike saying it funneled $143 billion of general revenue lower-, middle-class citizens who may have to but when a big government policy has the will raise $394 billion over 10 years. This into the fund since 2008 but shortfalls are drive significant distances to work each day. effect of hurting millions of people and the would cover the federal government’s contri- expected by 2021. With midterm elections looming, Republi- economy we can be certain that that policy bution of $200 billion towards the plan. cans on the fence about the tax might want to isn’t the solution. Another issue with the Highway Trust Fund take pause. Strategas Research Partner esti- The gas tax funds the Highway Trust Fund is that the government does not necessarily mates that, with a 25-cent tax increase along THE WHEATLEY LEGACY Trize Stephen-Pons Staff Writer

“While an intrinsic ardor prompts to write, The muses promise to assist my pen” - Phillis Wheatley

There, Phillis broke through waves. She bore the name Its name, the ship that stole her far from home Though brought to be a slave, She read and wrote And published poems. London loved her well There, Phillis broke through waves. She bore the name, A name that was not hers. Her mistress died – She kept the name. She gained her freedom though She did not publish poetry again. Another school year is begin- you fall miles farther from God’s Exorcist. Do not be afraid if your take several days to fully heal. ning – pleasantly accented by the light towards Lucifer’s eternal priest does not have experience Just because you have accepted freshly-cut green grass on the embrace. The best method of dis- with objects as foul and wicked Jesus into your heart does not ground, the leaves getting ready posal is to burn the paper while as 34th Street; seldom are such mean you should refuse man’s to change color and cascade reciting a Hail Mary and then objects found except in the in- medicine when it is called for! gracefully to the ground…and the dissolve the ashes in a mixture of nermost circles of Hell or Eu- fetid stench of the slow decay of chlorine bleach and holy water. rope. Even if this is the case, your 7. Finally, just say “no” to 34th society’s morals emanating from Remember to keep a religious priest will know exactly who to Street! Whenever someone tries a monstrous heap of filthy dish- object close at hand for your pro- call to aid in the salvation of your to present you with a copy, cover rags branded “34th Street Maga- tection in case the copy of 34th soul. your eyes and ears and run away zine” being handed out by some- Street emerges from the flames as fast as you can. Do your best to one wearing a full hazmat suit on in the form of Satan himself and 4. Accept Jesus into your heart. avoid suspicious-looking people Locust Walk. attempts to rip your soul directly The Son of Man needs you to on Locust Walk carrying large from your body. have faith in Him in order to save stacks of 34th Street Magazine. Yes, 34th Street has long been your soul from the dismal Gehen- And remember, never, under hailed as the DP’s even less-eth- 2. Thoroughly disinfect all ar- na where 34th Street resides! ANY circumstances, visit 34th ical estranged third cousin which eas of your body that may have You can find your faith in Jesus Street’s website, lest Lucifer in was dropped on its head as a come into contact with 34th by reading the Scriptures. Pay the flesh emerge from within your child, and lauded as the physical Street. 34th Street is extremely particular attention to the Book computer or device and carry you manifestation of Mephistopheles’ corrosive to human flesh, as was of Revelation because if 34th off to Hades himself. choking grip on a morally desti- discovered last February when Street keeps this up, the apoca- tute planet. Still, after encoun- one student attempted to use its lypse of John will probably arrive We hope this has been a useful tering a list of seven tips on “how polyamory article as toilet paper any minute. Jesus loves all- even guide and wish anyone suffering to have casual sex consistent- and needed to be hospitalized for Jews! 34th Street-related complica- ly” in the most recent edition of several days. If you act quickly, tions the best of luck in regain- 34th Street, some students want you may be able to spare some of 5. To regain ritual purity, sac- ing your soul. As you embark on to keep the God-given purity of your limbs from horrible disfig- rifice a red heifer and bathe in your quest to graduate from this their souls intact, and for that rea- urement and/or amputation. So its ashes. The Book of Leviticus prestigious Ivy League universi- son, The Statesman would like to don’t cut any corners! warns that, unless you properly ty, the Lord may not enter your offer these 7 helpful tips for find- cleanse yourself after contact- thoughts often. But the eternal ing Jesus after accidentally read- 3. Consult a religious leader as ing an object of impurity, your battle between heaven and 34th ing a copy of 34th Street Mag- soon as possible. If you do not personal connection and rela- Street is taking place all around azine. I write this as a Jew who have a preferred religious leader tionship with the Lord may be us, and we mortals caught in the does not believe in Jesus, for the already, there are many resources obstructed. When dealing with middle can only hope we end up fear that the wickedness of 34th here at Penn to help you find one. dark artifacts on the level of 34th on the right path. The Statesman Street is too far gone even to seek Don’t be shy! Many priests will Street, one can never be too care- is committed to bringing you the forgiveness from my own God, have firsthand experience saving ful! one ray of hope in a university full and so the grace of Christ is 34th people’s souls from powerful in- of darkness and liberalism. So Street’s best remaining chance at struments of the devil’s torture. 6. If you sustain any physical or until next time, may God be with salvation. Here are seven tips: Depending on the strength of mental trauma up to several days you all! 34th Street’s grip, you may need after exposure, seek medical at- 1. Dispose of the copy of 34th anything ranging from a sim- tention. It is normal for the phys- Street immediately. Every second ple chat with a priest over tea to ical and spiritual wounds caused you are exposed to 34th Street, a full-scale reenactment of The by an instrument of the abyss to PAGE 10 THE STATESMAN THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018

NOW YOU CAN RESIST TRUMP BY PAYING MORE TAXES! Chris Tremoglie jecting his tax plan and paying more “We call on Congress to raise There are two ways for you to make than you are supposed to? So, what our taxes to bring in additional a contribution towards reducing the Staff Writer if it puts more money in the pockets much-needed revenue and to restore debt: of the middle class? Anyone can wear investments to vital services.” April 15th is fast approaching and a pink pussy hat, right? Show your At the time, it was hoped that “doing Online, you can contribute online by for most Americans that means one commitment to the “resistance” by so will help create jobs, strengthen credit card, debit card, PayPal, check- thing – filing your taxes. This year’s paying more in taxes. You should the middle class, and ensure Amer- ing account, or savings account. taxes will be the first filed since the consider it your progressive duty. As ica’s economic success.” In addi- historic GOP tax reform went into an added bonus, the country’s debt tion, it was stipulated that “under You can write a check payable to the effect. – which increased significantly un- no circumstance should tax reform Bureau of the Fiscal Service, and, in der Obama - will be thankful for your lose revenue, especially to provide the memo section, notate that it’s Let’s face it, President Donald progressive “woke-ness.” tax cuts to the wealthy and corpora- a gift to reduce the debt held by the Trump has his fair share of critics. tions.” public. President Donald Trump has his fair Here’s What to Do! share of detractors. He won a hotly As Turning Point USA founder Char- So, there you have it, woke people contested presidential election and Paying a higher tax bill than the one lie Kirk said on Fox Business Net- and progressives! A crisis has been the tolerant and understanding side you will get because of the Trump work’s “Varney & Co.,” at the time: averted. It is understandable that you still have not accepted or coped with tax plan will really stick it to Trump are still upset that Hillary Clinton the defeat. They have done every- and the Republicans. If you have ever “Meanwhile they’re seeking every lost. As a result, we really want to help thing in their legal—and, sometimes, used the phrase “GOP tax scam” in possible tax deduction they possibly you. That is how conservatives oper- not legal—power to obstruct, disrupt your life, here is what you can do can, in their business, in their per- ate. They are a compassionate and and “resist” the Trump administra- to enlist yourself in the war against sonal life, through their foundation.” caring bunch. Conservatives want to tion. However, with the passing of Trump and middle class prosperity. After all, nothing says solving “in- help others and they want to do so by new tax legislation, this April 15th, If you think the Trump tax plan is a come inequality” like a bunch of facilitating individual responsibility. the resistance has the viable option sham, then all you have to do is write billionaires asking to be taxed more This is the first step to take towards to put their money where their mouth a check and send it to the U.S. De- publicly while looking for every loop- that action. is. If you are of the “not my presi- partment of the Treasury! hole privately to save themselves dent” tribe, then you have the won- money. You can really show how much you derful option of paying more in taxes. This will be especially helpful to those are truly resisting. Ditch the pussy- Now, is that liberty or what? who are of the affluent socio-eco- Here’s how to pay at the Obama tax cat hats and pay your Obama tax rate. nomic statuses. They are the wealthy rate. Our entire country will appreciate As Benjamin Franklin once said, woke. Right now, you should be en- your ‘woke’ act! “Our new Constitution is now estab- visioning all the Hollywood elites and By navigating to the United States lished, and has an appearance that NFL kneelers. Additionally, accord- Treasury Department’s webpage, promises permanency; but in this ing to Fox News, back in November, you can use the taxes you were used world, nothing can be said to be cer- more than 400 of our country’s mil- to paying under President Obama tain, except death and taxes.” So, if lionaires and billionaires effectively and list it as a contribution to a re- you truly loathe the president, what pleaded with President Trump to pay duction of the debt. As the website greater way to show how much you more taxes. The letter read: specifies: hate Trump and his agenda by re- THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018 THE STATESMAN PAGE 11 WHAT IF OLD TV SHOWS WERE GIVEN SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR PLOTS?

Chris Tremoglie plot being about a family who loses Trump presidential world. their parents to a tragic accident, it Fresh Prince of Bel Air – In West Staff Writer will be about a family who loses their Philly born and raised, Will had to A.L.F.: A classic ‘80s sitcom. ALF parents through deportation. move from Philly because sugary is an illegal alien from Mexico who What If Old TV Shows Were Given drinks made him obese. Additional- crosses the border illegally because Social Justice Warrior Plots? This had us jumping on the SJW ly, Philadelphia’s citywide beverage there is no wall. He makes his way to bandwagon and thinking: what would tax bankrupted his family. As a result, the house of the Tanners and takes Social Justice Warriors (SJWs) have the plots of other famous television he was forced to move to Bel Air to refuge in their garage. The Tanners declared war on ‘90s American tele- shows be if they, too, had a social jus- become vegan. are a suburban middle-class family in vision shows! tice revision? the San Fernando Valley area of Cali- Dawson’s Creek – A coming of age fornia (a sanctuary state), so they pry Friends, the ‘90s television show that Behold, the SJW makeover of some story of a group of adolescent Antifa ALF away from his makeshift home was one of the most popular Ameri- of our country’s most memorable members. Follow their story as they in the garage. The family consists of can programs of all time, has come shows: work to save the creek and find a way social worker Willie, his wife Kate under attack by millennials. Watch- to blame the pollution on conserva- who works at Planned Parenthood, ing the television show on Netflix, Buffy the Vampire Slayer – Buffy is a tives. Michelle Williams’ character, their teenage daughter Lynn, a col- years after the program went off the millennial female, given the daunting Jen, complains of the gender wage lege TA who brags on social media air, social justice warriors attacked responsibility of fighting vampires gap in her first job at Walmart. about calling on non-white students the comedy because of insensitive as they threaten humanity. She soon in her classes, younger son Brian plot lines (in the eyes of progres- realizes that not all vampires are ter- Two Guys, A Girl, and a Pizza Place – who is a vegan, and their cat Lucky sives). rorists, starts “Vampire Lives Mat- The story of two guys who own a piz- (whom ALF wishes to consume). ter” and joins Linda Sarsour in New za place where a girl works. She sues Another famous ‘90s television York. them for sexual harassment, gains Small Wonder: Another show from show, Party of Five, is being reboot- ownership of the pizzeria and makes the ‘80s. It chronicles the family of ed, this time with a social justice war- Boy Meets World – new name, Boy all the pizza gluten-free. robotics engineer Ted Lawson from rior stamp of approval. The original Meets Girl. A story where young Cory Google who secretly creates an ar- was about a family of five that los- Matthews goes through the everyday FRIENDS – a group of five friends tificially intelligent robot modeled es its parents to a car accident and struggles of life as he transitions his living in NYC as they look for love in after a human girl to assist DREAM- works together to make ends meet way to becoming a transgender fe- all the wrong places. They come to er children. The storylines revolve and also endure life’s everyday chal- male. He is joined on this journey realize they are privileged white peo- around V.I.C.I. (an acronym for lenges. In the rebooted version, al- by his minority friend Shawn Hunter ple, deserve every struggle they face Voice Input Child Identicant, pro- legedly spearheaded by those at the from the other side of the tracks and because of 500 years of white domi- nounced “Vicky”), not to be con- Freeform television network, the Mr. Feeny, his teacher, principal, nance in the United States, fall in love fused with Siri, an android in the show will be redone with a social jus- and mentor under investigation for with one another, and turn to Mayor form of a 10-year-old girl. V.I.C.I. tice warrior flare to it. Instead of the sexting a student. DeBlasio to help them live in a post- is taken home by Lawson so that it can mature within a family environment. V.I.C.I.’s features include superhuman strength and speed, a USB outlet under her right arm, a phone charging station un- der her left arm, and an iPad in her back. The Lawsons reside in a small city in Ore- gon, and the progres- sive community wel- comes V.I.C.I. as the Lawsons try to pass her off as an orphaned family member whose mother was deported by President Trump. They eventually seek to legally adopt her as their daughter but are denied because the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals has ruled that no minority chil- dren are allowed to be adopted by white parents because of something to do with cultural appropria- tions. PAGE 12 THE STATESMAN THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018 THREE WAYS TO MAKE UP FOR STARBUCKS RACIST BLONDE ESPRESSO Dominic Gregorio bucks before they thump in- nocent, brunette, tan-capable President of ISI Society [true] Italian-Americans like myself who are capable of The Starbucks Coffee Company has bucking this yolk of fascistic, officially segregated its beverages retrogressive, pigmentless- and begun to reap profits through ness. We have to divest from the vending of blonde nationalism. Starbucks now. In fact, once As a descendant of Italian immigrants Penn has replaced Stommons and a respecter of dark roasts, I have with a more equitable estab- to make a stand against that which lishment, you can even go seeks to tarnish the good name of a step further by aiding the my patria. The light-skin, light-hair market demise of the offend- superiority complex has churned my ing enterprise. Have you no stomach for the last time - and like- shares (SBUX) to sell off, de- wise has my formerly beloved, dob- priving blonde-national profi- bio evening espresso. teers of their unjust desserts? No worries: I took an elective Not only is the blonde espresso just in Wharton, so I have inside dirty water pretending to be coffee, knowledge. You can short but it elevates Caucasian, pseu- sell the stock, leveraging a bet do-Aryan blondeness to a status that against its success. It’ll help should not seem so unfamiliar to our suppress the would-be cultur- short national memory. It was only al conquistadors’ stock prices. a matter of decades ago that we had But that’s not the only way you to fight off the flood of cultural he- can help, due to the accessibil- gemony which led to nationalist au- ity of the City government. thoritarian empire-building. Let’s nip this one in the bud, and stop the 2) Payments on top of taxes af- rising tide of blondearchy before it’s ter threatening Orwellianism too late. The following are three ways (POTOTATOs). If there can you can help. be a soda tax, then there can be a racist coffee tax. When Star- 1) Divest. Okay, I admit it. I tried bucks management postures sufficiently close that we can picket grey for decades. She has refused to the Blonde Espresso. Not only was it against melanin in this way, after all, every day until he agrees to confis- stand against the flood of ethnic con- weak-sauce AF (it tastes like a dilute, there is a massive social cost in the cate all local property of the formerly troversy in the past, and it is a waste lukewarm solution of Midwestern form of the legitimization of Orwel- delicious establishment. Don’t wor- of time to lay about until she does so topsoil) but it also truly eats you up lian, supreme-race, command-state ry; I’ll invite you to the Facebook again. It is time to stand for the val- inside to know that blonde nation- politics. We’ll charge them a POTO- events. ues of the university, not the values alism has taken up residence inside TATO fee on their way out of town of wealthy endowments and blonde you. Or maybe that was my intestines probably to Alabama. 3) Impeach. Amy Gutmann clearly supremacy. As Tom Steyer would reacting to the 365 mg of caffeine. cannot remain president of a univer- say about any yellow-haired leader But Will Mayor Kenney sign on? sity ravaged by blonde nationalism, blowing dog whistles at the fascista Regardless, it’s time to thump Star- When in doubt, protest. City Hall is even if her natural color has been subculture .. We #NeedtoImpeach.

MICHELLE OBAMA TO DIVORCE BARACK OBAMA OVER COPIOUS NUDITY IN NETFLIX SERIES

Alexander Lenz issue with another key aspect of the the viewer’s surprise and Michelle’s in the complete nude, and much to series: the expected graphic nudity of chagrin, as he switched talking the viewers surprise is sporting a Staff Writer former president Barack Obama. points from mass shooting statistics small, italic 44 just below his right to a family’s testimony his loose fit- hip bone. In recent news, Barack Obama has After she got hold of the scripts, it ting shorts left little to the imagina- come under fire from traditional Re- became evident that Barack was just tion, especially as he crossed his legs While the series is still in develop- publican Party members over his fu- trying to show off his new post presi- in a fashion similar to that of the infa- ment, neither Netflix nor the Obama ture involvement in a Netflix Series dency body under the guise of of po- mous “Basic Instinct” scene family lawyers have responded to any covering topics around his presiden- litical commentary. questions regarding the matter. One cy and the initiatives he and Michelle In one talking point, Barack is dis- reporter noted that Michelle was are looking to further. And while con- On the issue of gun control, Obama cussing the issue of bipartisan dis- spending time in Florida, as opposed servative Paul Ryan has taken shots at lectured on common sense measures agreement surrounding climate to Maryland. the ordeal as gratuitous praise of the from increasing the age to buy a fire- change while lying on the couch from left by the media; Michelle has taken arm to an outright rifle ban. Much to the set of titanic, and being painted