For Preview Only the EVER AFTER

By Nathan Hartswick

© Copyright 2005, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

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For preview only THE EVER AFTER

By NATHAN HARTSWICK

CAST OF CHARACTERS # of lines HOST ...... talk show host (“Monterey 59 Jack Chester eld Williamson” or “Sally Lizzie Jesse Donatello-Grif n”) THE GUESTS (Of course, all 20 years older than we remember them!) STEPSISTER #1 ...... Cinderella’s now middle-aged 25 ugly stepsister STEPSISTER #2 ...... also still “beauty-impaired” 18 CINDERELLA ...... traditional fairy tale character, 12 but not as young as she used to be SNOW WHITE ...... still wearing that same high collar 12 QUEEN ...... Snow White’s nemesis 18 MIRROR ...... human face that protrudes from 10 the queen’s large wall mirror JIMINY CRICKET ...... now an occupational therapist 15 EMMETT MANTELLA ...... frog—er, man—with a problem 14 THE ADVERTISERS PAT ...... advertiser; spokesperson for 2 various products BETH ...... another 2 SAM ...... another 10 STUDIO AUDIENCE MEMBERS AIRHEAD...... not too bright 9 LOUDMOUTH ...... loud and obnoxious 8 OLD WEEPING LADY #1 ...... elderly woman;  nds 5 everything touching OLD WEEPING LADY #2 ...... another 4 STUDIO AUDIENCE EXTRAS .. if desired, as many as you wish n/a

For previewii only SYNOPSIS OF SCENES

TIME: The present. PLACE: The set of a popular TV talk show. Scene One: The talk show. Guests: Cinderella’s two ugly stepsisters. Scene Two: A TV commercial. The Practical Princess Crown. Scene Three: The talk show. Guest: Cinderella. Scene Four: TV commercial. MoneyCard. Scene Five: The talk show. Guests: Snow White, the Evil Queen, her mirror and Jiminy Cricket. Scene Six: TV commercial. Prince Wake-Me-Up. Scene Seven: The talk show. Guest: Emmett Mantella.

SETTING The set of a popular talk show. The STUDIO AUDIENCE sits on bleachers at RIGHT, angled DOWN RIGHT towards UP CENTER. (See PRODUCTION NOTES.) At LEFT, eight empty chairs are arranged for the GUESTS, angled DOWN LEFT to UP CENTER. LEFT CENTER is a comfortable chair for the HOST. DOWN LEFT is an ENTRANCE for the HOST and GUESTS; UP CENTER is a second ENTRANCE for the show’s STAFF and ADVERTISERS. Commercials are played UP CENTER between the STUDIO AUDIENCE and the show’s GUESTS. A table, perhaps draped with a white cloth, is set up there.

See page 18 for set design.

For previewiii only THE EVER AFTER

Scene One

1 LIGHTS UP: The STUDIO AUDIENCE sits on bleachers or chairs at RIGHT. PAT, one of three ADVERTISERS, runs IN UP CENTER with an “Applause” sign, and the STUDIO AUDIENCE claps (the  rst of many times this happens). CHEESY MUSIC PLAYS. The egotistical

5 HOST ENTERS DOWN LEFT with a cordless microphone. PAT makes hand motions for the STUDIO AUDIENCE to clap more energetically, which they do. HOST: Thank you, thank you. (MUSIC FADES OUT. PAT lowers the sign and stands quietly at the ready UP CENTER. The STUDIO 10 AUDIENCE quiets. HOST crosses to comfortable chair and sits.) I’m Monterey Jack Chester eld Williamson (OR: Sally Lizzie Jesse Donatello-Grif n). The third. Today on “Totally Live with Monty” (OR: “Totally Live with Sal”) our theme is Reconciliation. Everyone loses friends. Everyone has enemies. Except me, of 15 course. Everyone loves me. (PAT holds up “Applause” sign; STUDIO AUDIENCE claps.) Thank you. But I’m sure the rest of you have lost friends and made enemies. And that’s why, on today’s show, we are trying to get people to make up with each other. I’m sure you all remember my  rst guests. Years ago, these hideous-

20 looking girls were rivals for the heart of Cinderella’s princely husband. Now they work in a coal mine and have stepchildren of their own. Please welcome the two ugly stepsisters! (PAT holds up “Applause” sign; STUDIO AUDIENCE claps. STEPSISTERS ONE and TWO ENTER DOWN LEFT and sit.) 25 HOST: Thanks for being here, ugly sisters. STEPSISTER #1: Hey, who you callin’ ugly, anyway?

HOST: I’m sorry—I thought that’s what everyone called you.

STEPSISTER #1: Times have changed. Get with the picture, Jack.

: We prefer to be known as “beauty-impaired family STEPSISTER #2 30  gures.”

: All right, beauty-impaired it is. Now, ladies. Who is it that you’d HOST like to set things right with?

STEPSISTER #2: (Transparent and insincere.) Why, Cinderella, of course!

35 : We’ve done some soul-searching. STEPSISTER #1 : We realized we had some jealousy issues. STEPSISTER #2 HOST: And what prompted this realization?

For preview1 only 1 STEPSISTER #1: Well, it all started when our mother—You remember her? Screechy voice, big hair, too much makeup? One day she wandered over the river and through the woods, and she got eaten by some wolf who said that he was on his way to Grandmother’s 5 house to sneak into her room and dress up in her clothes.

STEPSISTER #2: Talk about issues. STEPSISTER #1: We didn’t have any other family left, and we thought, why not contact Cinderella and try to— STEPSISTER #2: —mooch off her for awhile—I mean— 10 STEPSISTER #1: Quiet! Ha, ha… No, no, we thought, why not get back in touch with our roots? STEPSISTER #2: (Plays with her hair and smacks her gum.) You can’t even see my roots. I just dyed my hair. Ya like it? HOST: It certainly enhances your… beauty-impairedness. But listen, 15 this is fantastic. All these years of bitterness, and now you’re ready to let bygones be bygones. (To STUDIO AUDIENCE.) So, should we bring her out or what? STUDIO AUDIENCE: Yeah! HOST: Okay! She doesn’t even know why she’s here. Ladies and

20 gentlemen, please welcome that still-lovely princess of the palace… Cinderella! (PAT holds up “Applause” sign; STUDIO AUDIENCE claps.)

CINDERELLA: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT as if on a  oat, waves and smiles to the CROWD. Stops short when she sees the

25 STEPSISTERS.) You! Oh, I am out of here. (Tries to bolt OFF LEFT.)

: (Jumps up and stops her.) No, no! Come here! Wait! (As HOST HOST wrestles a very uncomfortable-looking CINDERELLA into

the chair.) We’ll be right back after this message from our sponsor.

30 Ha, ha! Calm down, Cinderella, please! (PAT holds up “Applause”

sign; STUDIO AUDIENCE claps. PAT EXITS UP CENTER,

leaving the “Applause” sign behind for next use. A bit of MUSIC

PLAYS, then FADES OUT.)

End of Scene One NOTE: The scene breaks are only to indicate a shift from the TV show 35 to a commercial or vice versa. The action should  ow continuously, and the actors involved in the TV show should remain onstage during the “commercial breaks.”

For preview2 only Scene Two 1 A TV commercial. BETH ENTERS UP CENTER, dressed as a princess, and paces. We hear the VOICE OF SAM from “above.” VOICE OF SAM: Hey, you down there. (BETH looks up.) What’s the matter? (BETH shrugs.) Has being a princess got you down? 5 (BETH nods.) Too much to do, right? (BETH nods.) Not enough time to do it? (BETH pouts and shakes head “no.”) I’ll bet it seems you’re always on the go. (BETH nods.) Well, I know just what you need. (BETH looks encouraged.) It’s the Practical Princess Crown from Fool’s Gold Enterprises. (BETH smiles brilliantly as 10 PAT ENTERS UP CENTER and places an enormous crown on

BETH’S head with many objects inside.)

SAM: (Strolls IN UP CENTER and talks to the STUDIO AUDIENCE. [Or addresses the AUDIENCE—See PRODUCTION NOTES regarding commercials.] PAT pulls out each product as it is 15 announced and demonstrates messily.) With the Practical Princess Crown, you’ll have all the accessories you need at the ready, right off the top of your head. There’s our special Red Red Rose Lipstick, guaranteed to inspire a sonnet or two, Portable Powder Puffs for that Snow White complexion, Rapunzel Brand 20 Hairbrushes—the ultimate detangler, one can of our patented Evil-B-Gone Wicked Witch Repellent, and if you act now, we’ll even throw in, absolutely free, a pair of our special  ame-resistant sunglasses for run-ins with those pesky  re-breathing dragons. So how do you feel now, Princess? (BETH smiles and opens her

25 mouth to speak, but SAM interrupts her.) That’s great! And would you believe it? The entire set sells for just $19.95. (BETH and PAT gasp.) I know! The Practical Princess Crown from Fool’s Gold Enterprises… because a princess doesn’t use a purse. To get yours, head over the hill and see King Midas—just remember not 30 to shake his hand. Ha, ha! We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming. (SAM, PAT and BETH EXIT UP CENTER with props.) End of Scene Two

Scene Three The talk show again. CHEESY MUSIC PLAYS for a moment and then FADES OUT. 35 HOST: We’re back with Cinderella and her two ugly— STEPSISTER #1: Ahem. HOST: Ah, her two… beauty-impaired family  gures. Cinderella, how do you feel about seeing these two after all these years? For preview3 only 1 CINDERELLA: I told them I never wanted to see them again. They only want to patch things up with me so they can come over and hit on the prince, ride in my limo, swim in my pool, eat my food— STEPSISTER #1: That simply isn’t tr—! 5 STEPSISTER #2: (Interrupts, with urgency.) Wait, you have a limo? HOST: Let’s take a few questions from the audience. (Runs to STUDIO AUDIENCE.) AIRHEAD: (Raises her hand; HOST holds up the microphone.) Ummm, my question is for the girl in the gown. 10 HOST: Cinderella. AIRHEAD: Yah. HOST: Could you stand, please?

AIRHEAD: (Stands.) I was just wondering, um, when the Fairy Godmother said that you must be home by midnight, wouldn’t you 15 like, keep your eye on the clock? I mean, I know I would. I just think it’s weird that you, like, totally lost track of time. (To HOST.) Isn’t that weird? CINDERELLA: Yeah, well, that was a long time ago. STEPSISTER #1: You had a Fairy Godmother? So that’s how you did 20 it! Jeez, I’ve been racking my brain for 20 years trying to  gure out how you managed to pull that whole stagecoach-pumpkin scam! HOST: So what about it, Cinderella? Why the sudden lapse in temporal consciousness, anyway? AIRHEAD: Yah. Tem—tempor—um, what he said. 25 CINDERELLA: (Smiles dreamily.) Well, he was pretty charming, that prince of mine… AIRHEAD: Okay, but still. Even if he was the most totally yummy guy in the history of the universe, like, ohmigosh, your stagecoach is about to turn into a pumpkin! Get a watch or something. Do you 30 know what I mean?! HOST: All right, moving along. Next question. (AIRHEAD sits. LOUDMOUTH stands. HOST runs to him and holds the microphone up. This pattern continues whenever a member of the STUDIO AUDIENCE poses a question.) 35 LOUDMOUTH: What a buncha whiners! You make me sick! Y’all are pathetic! You! The ugly ones! Y’all need ta quit moochin’ off yer sister!

STEPSISTER #2: Yeah, yeah, go back to Oz with the other screwballs, fella.

For preview4 only 1 LOUDMOUTH: And what’s the prima donna’s name? Linder Eller? You need to stop bein’ so sel sh! CINDERELLA: Well, I— LOUDMOUTH: (Interrupting, turns on HOST.) And you. You’re the

5 biggest disgrace to a talk show I’ve ever— HOST: (Interrupts.) Thank you! Ha, ha, ha… do you have a question, sir? LOUDMOUTH: Only this, why’d I waste my time comin’ here today, Monty?

10 : Why, indeed? (LOUDMOUTH sits.) Anyone else? (OLD HOST WEEPING LADIES stand.) Ah! (HOST runs to them with the

microphone.) Do you have a question, ladies?

OLD WEEPING LADY #1: Hello, Milford. HOST: Monty. 15 OLD WEEPING LADY #1: We think it’s so sweet that these two sisters, these beautiful ladies—

HOST: Beautiful ladies? OLD WEEPING LADY #2: These beautiful ladies— HOST: (To STUDIO AUDIENCE.) They say the eyesight is the  rst 20 to go. STEPSISTER #1: Hey! I heard that!

STEPSISTER #2: Yeah!

OLD WEEPING LADY #1: It’s so beautiful that these beautiful ladies would reach out…

25 OLD WEEPING LADY #2: After all these years…

OLD WEEPING LADY #1: And… and…

OLD WEEPING LADY #2: (Overlaps.) And… and… (They collapse on each other, sobbing.)

HOST: Touching indeed. Well, we need to take another break, but

30 stay tuned, because when we come back, we’ll meet someone here to confront her greatest enemy. Plus, we’ll get an expert opinion. Right after this. (PAT holds up “Applause” sign; STUDIO AUDIENCE claps as HOST returns to chair. A bit of MUSIC PLAYS then FADES OUT.) End of Scene Three

Scene Four

35 A TV commercial. ADVERTISERS ENTER UP CENTER. SAM sets a stack of dirty dishes and a sponge on the table, BETH strews about some dirty clothes and PAT sets up a vacuum cleaner or carpet For preview5 only 1 sweeper in front of the table. LIGHT MUSIC PLAYS. SNOW WHITE ENTERS UP CENTER and approaches the dishes. Before she can get to them, SAM displays them. SAM: Whirlpool Automatic Dishwasher: $356. (SNOW WHITE 5 crosses to some of the dirty clothes, but before she can get to them, BETH picks some up.) BETH: Queens County Laundromat: $29. (SNOW WHITE moves toward the vacuum cleaner, but PAT cuts in  rst.) PAT: Uncle Walt’s Carpet Cleaning Service: $83. (SNOW WHITE 10 smiles at the AUDIENCE.) SAM: Not having to clean up after seven untidy little men: priceless. BETH: There are some things money can’t buy. PAT: For everything else, there’s MoneyCard. (MUSIC ENDS. ALL EXIT UP CENTER except PAT. SAM and BETH take the props 15 from commercial with them.) End of Scene Four

Scene Five The talk show again. CHEESY MUSIC PLAYS for a moment and then FADES OUT.

HOST: We’re back. If you just tuned in, we’re reuniting some characters you may have thought had parted ways for good. 20 Joining us now is that symbol of beauty and purity, the lovely Miss Snow White! (PAT holds up “Applause” sign; STUDIO AUDIENCE claps.) SNOW WHITE: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT.) Thanks, it’s nice to be here. 25 HOST: Glad you could make it. SNOW WHITE: Yes, I was in the neighborhood. HOST: Still wearin’ that same old out t, eh? SNOW WHITE: Um—I thought— HOST: Hey, no, it’s great, I mean, go with it ’til it stops workin’ for ya. 30 So, Miss White. If you could patch things up with anyone, who would it be?

: Well, of course it would be the Evil Queen. SNOW WHITE : Refresh our memory again. HOST : Oh… she was this terrible lady with lots of magic SNOW WHITE 35 powers—

HOST: And a mirror— SNOW WHITE: Right— For preview6 only 1 STEPSISTER #2: She put a curse on you. STEPSISTER #1: Didn’t you prick your  nger or something? SNOW WHITE: No, you’re thinking of Sleeping Beauty. I ate the poisoned apple, remember? 5 STEPSISTER #1: Oh, right. HOST: But you both fell asleep. SNOW WHITE: Right. Anyway, the point is, I think I may be ready to forgive her for it all now. (PAT holds up “Applause” sign; STUDIO AUDIENCE claps.) 10 HOST: Isn’t that great? I guess time really does heal all wounds. Let’s  nd out if she feels the same way. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Evil Queen! (Boos from the STUDIO AUDIENCE.)

QUEEN: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT. She is followed by a full-length MIRROR, represented by a person—male or female—wearing a

15 long, rectangular piece of re ective cardboard with a cut-out for

the face. As the MIRROR stands behind the QUEEN’S chair, the QUEEN sees SNOW WHITE and goes berserk.) Snow White?! You’re supposed to be dead, you little— (Chases a screaming SNOW WHITE around the chair. SAM and BETH ENTER UP 20 CENTER as security guards dressed in black T-shirts. SAM shields SNOW WHITE, and BETH holds back the QUEEN from assaulting her.) I’ll tear you limb from limb, you dainty do-gooder,  ower-pickin’, nature-lovin’, song-singin’— HOST: Please! Queen! Settle down! Have a seat. We’re all civilized 25 here. (The  ght calms down, and SAM and BETH EXIT UP CENTER. QUEEN sits. HOST stands and helps a shaken SNOW WHITE back to her chair and returns to his chair.) QUEEN: (To SNOW WHITE.) What do you want, anyway? HOST: Miss White would like to reconcile with you, madam.

30 QUEEN: Ha! As long as she’s around, I’ll never get the answer I want from this stupid mirror. MIRROR: Perhaps I am stupid, but I may enhance my brain. You, madam, are ugly, and so shall you remain.

QUEEN: Argh! You see what I mean?

35 HOST: Let’s take another question from the studio audience. (LOUDMOUTH stands. HOST runs to him with the microphone.) Yes, sir? LOUDMOUTH: Um, yeah, I just want to tell the Evil Queen not to hold her breath. The makeup don’t cover it, doll face. And everyone 40 else up there, y’all are really pathetic, too. And Monty, your show’s a heap a’ cow manure. And— For preview7 only 1 HOST: Okay, thank you. (LOUDMOUTH sits.) AIRHEAD: (Stands. HOST runs to her with the microphone.) Um, my question is for the Evil Queen. Didn’t you send someone to bring back Snow White’s heart in a box? 5 QUEEN: Well, yes, but you have to understand that the circumstances were very dire, and— AIRHEAD: I just wanna say I think that’s totally gross. I mean, it’s so unhygienic. And why a box? Couldn’t you use, like, Tupperware or something? 10 HOST: Thank you, thank you. (AIRHEAD sits. Runs with the microphone to OLD WEEPING LADIES, who have stood up.) Yes, ladies? OLD WEEPING LADY #1: It’s just… OLD WEEPING LADY #2: …so beautiful… (They collapse again, 15 weeping.) HOST: (Returns to chair and sit.) All right, we’d like to bring out our panel expert now. You know him as Pinocchio’s pint-sized friend and advisor. But lately, my next guest has been providing his

services as the voice of reason to many other celebrities and also

20 has an autobiography out called My Life as Your Conscience. Please welcome Mr. Jiminy Cricket! (PAT holds up “Applause” sign; STUDIO AUDIENCE claps.) JIMINY: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT. “Works” the room like a politician.) Hi! Nice to be here. Jiminy Cricket’s the name. Great to see you again. 25 Hi, there. (PAT EXITS UP CENTER, leaving “Applause” sign.) HOST: Welcome, Jiminy. JIMINY: Thank you. HOST: So how is Pinocchio these days? JIMINY: Well, since he’s become a real boy, his nose doesn’t grow 30 anymore when he lies. So he’s a little harder to read. But he’s doing okay. HOST: Marvelous. So, Jim, what’s your professional opinion on all this? JIMINY: Well, I’ve worked with the sisters before, and I can’t say I 35 trust their motives a hundred percent. STEPSISTER #1: Oh! Well! I’m insulted. STEPSISTER #2: (Pulls a bagel out of her pocket and gnaws on it. to STEPSISTER #1.) What for? He’s right.

STEPSISTER #1: (Loud, to STEPSISTER #2, with her  nger to her 40 lips.) Shhhhh!

For preview8 only 1 JIMINY: And as for the Evil Queen, she seems to have an unhealthy attachment to this mirror. I wonder if she might demonstrate it for us. QUEEN: Certainly. Observe. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the— 5 MIRROR: Off the wall. QUEEN: What? MIRROR: I’m off the wall. Get it? Ha, ha, ha… off the wall. Rather nice to be off the wall for a change, actually, get a ride around, see the sights— 10 QUEEN: Silence! Mirror, mirror, off the wall, who’s the fairest of them all? MIRROR: The fairest? Well, let’s see, that’d be Snow White, I suppose. QUEEN: Argh! 15 MIRROR: Of course, she is getting older, and she’s still wearing that dreadful high collar thing, which went out centuries ago— SNOW WHITE: Hey!

: And we’ve got Cinderella over there, who’s a close second, MIRROR but she’s kinda let her looks go the last few years.

20 CINDERELLA: Oh! MIRROR: Let’s face it, we don’t have a huge pool of lookers to choose from here. (Of the STEPSISTERS.) I mean, get a load of those two over there. STEPSISTER #1: Hey, watch it, buster! 25 MIRROR: But you’re de nitely a very distant third, Evil Queen. QUEEN: Shut up! Shut up! Do you see now what I have to deal with? HOST: Actually, yes, I do. STEPSISTER #1: What an evil mirror! 30 CINDERELLA: That thing is terrible! JIMINY: It certainly explains a lot. SNOW WHITE: Why don’t you get rid of it? QUEEN: Oh, I don’t know, insecurity, I guess. I’ve got some image issues.

35 STEPSISTER #1: You, too? STEPSISTER #2: We’re terribly vain.

QUEEN: Oh, right. What was the deal with that glass slipper that was too small for you guys?

For preview9 only 1 STEPSISTER #1: It was not too small. They just didn’t give us enough time to try to cram our feet into it. STEPSISTER #2: Oh, get real, sis. We might as well tell them. STEPSISTER #1: Don’t you dare. 5 STEPSISTER #2: What’s the big deal? JIMINY: Go ahead. It’s okay to share here. HOST: You’re among friends. STEPSISTER #1: (A warning.) Sis… STEPSISTER #2: She thinks it’s a big deal to tell everyone we’re not 10 a size six at all. (STEPSISTER #1 gasps.) I’m actually a size— STEPSISTER #1: (Shrieks.) No!

STEPSISTER #2: (Stands up, places the bagel in her chair and shows the AUDIENCE her foot.) I’m a size 12.

: (Morti ed.) You told! (Snickers from the STUDIO STEPSISTER #1 15 AUDIENCE. LOUDMOUTH guffaws loudly and points.)

HOST: Now, now, people, settle down. STEPSISTER #2: (Starts to feel self-conscious now.) It’s not that funny! (As the STUDIO AUDIENCE continues laughing, she attempts to de ect some of the ridicule. Points to her SISTER 20 and announces.) She’s a 13! (This riles the STUDIO AUDIENCE up all over again, and they laugh harder than before. Both STEPSISTERS look morti ed as the laughter  nally subsides. STEPSISTER #2 picks up the bagel and sits back down.) HOST: Oh, mercy. Well, you heard it here  rst, people. So beauty- 25 impaired, it’s like they’re barely human. Let’s get back to you, Evil Queen. How can we sort out your issues? Jiminy, what can you suggest? JIMINY: My dear, why don’t you try working things out with Miss White without the mirror?

30 QUEEN: Gosh, I’d never thought of that. HOST: Stellar advice, Jiminy. (During the following lines, BETH quietly ENTERS UP CENTER, dressed again as a princess, and lies on the table, arms at her sides, eyes closed. PAT also ENTERS UP

CENTER.) While these two begin the healing process, we’ll take a 35 break and return with a very special  nal guest in just a moment. (PAT holds up “Applause” sign; STUDIO AUDIENCE claps. PAT EXITS UP CENTER, leaving the “Applause” sign. A bit of MUSIC PLAYS then FADES OUT.) End of Scene Five

For preview10 only Scene Six 1 A TV commercial. SAM: (Jogs IN UP CENTER and addresses the STUDIO AUDIENCE with high energy.) Hi, there, hi, there, hi, there, and welcome to Incredible Spell-breakers! Picture it, ladies and gentlemen… 5 One day your pretty young princess is out picking petals in the posy patch, and the next day—Boom!—she’s struck by a terrible sleeping curse and snoring like a handsaw for the next 80 years. We’ve all been there. Am I right, people? STUDIO AUDIENCE: Yeah! 10 SAM: Are you tired of waiting for just the right eligible bachelor to come along, sweep your daughter onto her feet and snap her out of that spell-spun stupor? STUDIO AUDIENCE: Yeah! SAM: Of course you are! Well, wait no more. Now there’s the 15 revolutionary, completely amazing, brand-new Prince Wake- Me-Up! (PAT ENTERS UP CENTER holding a 12-inch male doll and shows it to the STUDIO AUDIENCE.) Now there’s no need to sit around waiting for the real-life Prince Rich-and-Handsome to wander through your part of the kingdom. Gone are the days 20 of setting costly traps in the woods, hoping to ensnare a princely passerby. That’s because Prince Wake-Me-Up has been specially designed to act as an antidote to 96.8% of known sleeping curses. Go ahead and try it! (PAT places the lips of the doll to the lips or cheek of the sleeping BETH, who suddenly awakens, yawns and 25 stretches. STUDIO AUDIENCE applauds.) Isn’t that an Incredible Spell-breaker, folks? STUDIO AUDIENCE: Yeah!

SAM: Now, here comes the really incredible part. How much would you pay to wake up that daughter of yours without the aid of a 30 handsome prince? One hundred gold shekels? (PAT and BETH nod.) Five hundred shekels? (PAT and BETH nod again.) Ten thousand hundred shekels? (Once more, PAT and BETH nod.) Well, think again, because this revolutionary spell-breaking device is yours for just three easy payments of $19.99. (PAT and BETH 35 gasp, audibly.) That’s under 60 gold shekels, folks! Is that a deal

or what?

STUDIO AUDIENCE: Yeah! (Applauds.)

SAM: And if you act now, you’ll also get, absolutely free of charge, this attractive 24-karat gold lock pick set! (PAT passes the doll 40 to BETH, then produces an ordinary screwdriver that has been painted bright gold. PAT and BETH beam happily at the STUDIO For preview11 only 1 AUDIENCE.) Guaranteed to open 92.8% of known castle doors, the Golden Key lock pick set is just the thing for that loved one you’ve got trapped in the highest tower. No more messy dragon slaying, no more climbing up people’s ponytails. Just get in, get 5 the girl and get out. Is that incredible, folks? STUDIO AUDIENCE: Yeah! SAM: So remember… You get the amazing new Prince Wake-Me-Up and the Golden Key castle lock pick set for three easy payments of $19.99. Don’t delay, call today. Well, that’s all the time we have 10 today on Incredible Spell-breakers! Thank you and good-bye! (A

bit of MUSIC PLAYS then FADES OUT. BETH and SAM EXIT UP

CENTER with props.)

End of Scene Six

Scene Seven The talk show again.

HOST: Welcome back. Our  nal guest today is a personal friend 15 of mine. This gentleman is prince of the castle and king of the lily pad. Please welcome Mr. Emmett Mantella. (PAT holds up “Applause” sign; STUDIO AUDIENCE claps. EMMETT ENTERS DOWN LEFT in a black turtleneck and khakis with his hands in his pockets, looking normal enough. [See PRODUCTION NOTES 20 for costuming details.]) Now, Emmett. You don’t exactly have

anyone to make up with today. (PAT EXITS UP CENTER, leaving “Applause” sign.)

EMMETT: No, it’s more of a confession, actually.

HOST: Please share it. We’re listening.

25 EMMETT: Well, a long time ago, there was a curse placed on me, and… I was… turned into a… into a… (Begins snif ing.)

HOST: (Hands him a tissue.) Take your time.

: I’m sorry. It’s just… hard for me to talk about. EMMETT HOST: We understand, Emmett. You were turned into a… 30 EMMETT: …into a frog. (STUDIO AUDIENCE gasps.) STEPSISTER #1: I think I’ve heard this one. EMMETT: I had to be kissed by a princess in order to turn back into a man. CINDERELLA: Weren’t you kissed by one eventually, though?

35 EMMETT: See, that’s the thing. Everyone thinks I was, but she turned out to be only a half-princess. So now—ribbit. Excuse me. So now, I’m turning slowly back into a frog. (Pushes up his sleeves. His forearms are green and scaly. STUDIO AUDIENCE For preview12 only 1 gasps again.) All the princesses—like you, Cinderella, and Snow White—they’re all married now, and I haven’t been able to  nd anyone to—ribbit—to kiss me. CINDERELLA: That’s terrible! 5 HOST: And what’s it like, Emmett? Turning into a frog? EMMETT: Well, as a famous fellow amphibian once said, it’s not easy bein’ green. Sometimes it’s frustrating. For instance, right now I’m using all my willpower to prevent myself from attempting to take a bite from this gentleman over here. (To JIMINY.) You are a cricket, 10 aren’t you? JIMINY: That I am. Jiminy Cricket’s the name. EMMETT: Nice to meet you. I shall try my best to prevent you from becoming my mid-afternoon snack.

JIMINY: I’d appreciate that. 15 HOST: All right, let’s take a few  nal questions from the audience. (Runs with the microphone to AIRHEAD, who has stood up.) Yes? AIRHEAD: Um, my question is for the frog. Like, have you ever heard of lotion? ’Cause that is rully gross. 20 EMMETT: Well, it’s not quite as simple as that, you see— AIRHEAD: Whatever. (To HOST.) He is totally in denial, okay? He is in serious need of a moisturizer. HOST: Thanks for your advice. (AIRHEAD sits.) Next question? LOUDMOUTH: (Stands. HOST runs to him with the microphone.) 25 Yeah, my question is for Jiminy, there. Jimbo, what the heck are you doing hanging out with all those losers? JIMINY: Most of my clients are simply misunderstood— LOUDMOUTH: Misunderstood? Seem an awful lot like losers to me. Pinocchio was nothin’ but a lying sack of rotten eggs! 30 JIMINY: I have no comment at this time. LOUDMOUTH: (Again, turns on HOST.) And by the way, Monty, I think this show is the most vile piece of garbage that ever— HOST: Hey, that’s great. (Runs with the microphone to OLD WEEPING LADIES, who have stood up. LOUDMOUTH sits.) 35 Ladies? Your  nal thoughts? OLD WEEPING LADIES: Waaahhhhh… HOST: Super. Let’s see if we can wrap this up, shall we? (OLD WEEPING LADIES sit.) Cinderella? Whaddaya say? You going to give these stepsisters a chance?

For preview13 only 1 CINDERELLA: Well… I suppose. But if they touch any of my stuff—and that includes the prince—they’re going back out on the street. STEPSISTER #1: Deal. 5 STEPSISTER #2: (Through her bagel.) Deal. (CINDERELLA and the STEPSISTERS hug.) HOST: Aw, that’s nice. Evil Queen? Gonna give it a shot without that nasty mirror? QUEEN: (Stands.) Why not. (Pushes the MIRROR to the ground 10 behind the chairs.)

: Ahh! No! Wait! Hey! MIRROR : Mirror, mirror, on the  oor, speak these musings QUEEN nevermore!

MIRROR: Seven years bad luck! Seven years bad— (QUEEN stomps 15 on the MIRROR, and it falls silent.) HOST: (Begins to clap, STUDIO AUDIENCE joins in.) Ha, ha, good for you! (Applause subsides.) And you’ll try to reconcile with Snow White here? QUEEN: (Hugs SNOW WHITE, who winces and shrinks away from 20 her.) Sure, we’ll make it work somehow. I’ll make my special truce potion, with chicken broth and frog legs. (SNOW WHITE looks aghast.) EMMETT: (Grabs his legs and screams like a girl.) Ahh!

QUEEN: Oh, not yours. Relax.

25 HOST: And Emmett, what can we do to resolve your issue? EMMETT: Well, Monty, given the global shortage of eligible princesses these days… (Grabs a  y out of the air and eats it.) …it doesn’t look good. Ribbit. HOST: Jim, any advice for our young amphibian-to-be? 30 JIMINY: Sure. Stay away from those high school science classrooms. They’re absolutely murder! (Light laughter from STUDIO AUDIENCE.) But seriously, we’ve got two princesses sitting right here, so what’s the big deal? CINDERELLA: But we’re already married. 35 SNOW WHITE: Yes, isn’t that immoral?

HOST: Emmett, do you recall if there was anything in the curse about it having to be a single princess? EMMETT: I don’t—ribbit—I don’t think so. JIMINY: So lighten up, girls. It’s one kiss to help a guy out. Just a one- 40 time thing. It’s not like he’s looking for a commitment. For preview14 only 1 STEPSISTER #1: Typical. EMMETT: I don’t want to—ribbit—I don’t want to—ribbit—to impose on these lovely ladies. JIMINY: Impose? Who’s imposing?

5 HOST: Audience? What do you think, should they do it? (STUDIO AUDIENCE approves of the idea, applauds.) What do you say, princesses? CINDERELLA: Well, okay… SNOW WHITE: I suppose one kiss wouldn’t hurt. (STUDIO AUDIENCE 10 applauds. SOUND EFFECT: DRUM ROLL. CINDERELLA and SNOW WHITE stand and approach EMMETT from either side. He places his arms behind his back. As they lean in together, each kissing a cheek simultaneously, each GIRL uses her upstage hand to pull off one of EMMETT’S green frog forearms and drop 15 it to the  oor behind the chair—unseen by the AUDIENCE. When the kiss is over, EMMETT thrusts his bare forearms into the air triumphantly, a FANFARE SOUNDS and the STUDIO AUDIENCE applauds once again.) EMMETT: I’m cured! Ha, ha, the curse has been lifted! Oh, thank 20 you, thank you, everyone, thank you! (A pause.) Ribbit. (ALL look at EMMETT.) Gotchya! Ha, ha, ha… (The GUESTS laugh, stand and mill about, pantomiming conversation with each other as the HOST addresses the STUDIO AUDIENCE.)

HOST: Well, this all worked out rather nicely, didn’t it? I just love it 25 when that happens. And on my show, I must say it happens a lot. (Winks, then takes a very serious expression, sits in his chair and addresses the AUDIENCE earnestly. During the following speech

PAT ENTERS UP CENTER.) My parting word for the day—It’s

easy to forget sometimes that in the real world, happily ever afters

30 often take forgiveness and communication. But when you work at

it, just about anyone can reconcile their differences. Thanks for

joining us on “Totally Live with Monty.” Have a great day, and may

all your ever afters be happy! Good-bye, everyone! (PAT holds

up “Applause” sign; AUDIENCE claps. CHEESY MUSIC PLAYS. 35 BLACKOUT.) END OF PLAY

For preview15 only PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES

ONSTAGE: Table, perhaps draped with a white cloth, bleachers or chairs for STUDIO AUDIENCE, eight chairs for GUESTS, comfortable chair for HOST.

BROUGHT ON, Scene One: “Applause” sign (PAT) Cordless microphone (HOST) BROUGHT ON, Scene Two: Enormous crown with lipstick, powder puffs, hairbrush, can of aerosol air freshener and sunglasses inside (PAT) BROUGHT ON, Scene Four: Stack of dishes, sponge (SAM) Dirty clothes (BETH) Vacuum cleaner or carpet sweeper (PAT) BROUGHT ON, Scene Five: Bagel (STEPSISTER #2) BROUGHT ON, Scene Six: Twelve-inch male doll, gold-painted screwdriver (PAT)

BROUGHT ON, Scene Seven: Tissue (HOST)

SOUND EFFECTS Cheesy music, “God mic” to hear SAM’s voice from above, light music, drum roll, fanfare.

COSTUMES

HOST: a suit.

SNOW WHITE: a classic high-collar costume.

CINDERELLA, EVIL QUEEN, STEPSISTERS, JIMINY CRICKET:

traditional fairy-tale costumes. STEPSISTERS should wear quite

large shoes.

MIRROR: re ective cardboard rectangular panel with cut-out for face,

perhaps silver face makeup (take care to use only color approved for facial use; other paints are dangerous). BETH: princess attire for Scenes Two and Six.

SAM, BETH: black T-shirts in Scene Five.

EMMETT: black turtleneck and khakis. Green, scaly “frog” sleeves run from the elbow down to cover his forearms. These should be made from tight fabric such as spandex and can have thumb For preview16 only “hooks” that run between the thumb and index  nger, as EMMETT enters with his hands in his pockets. They should stay on when he pushes his sleeves up, and pull off easily at the end. STUDIO AUDIENCE may wear contemporary clothing.

STUDIO AUDIENCE The studio audience can be made up of as many extras as you wish. There are four speaking parts in the studio audience, and if you do not have extras you may simply paint an audience on the backdrop behind four chairs. These characters should be seated at a bit of a distance from each other (except for the OLD WEEPING LADIES, who sit together), so that the HOST may run between them during audience comments.

COMMERCIALS Commercials are played UP CENTER in the area between the STUDIO AUDIENCE and the GUESTS. They may be staged as on old-fashioned TV shows where the commercials were “performed” as part of the show; in this case all lights remain up and STUDIO AUDIENCE members and GUESTS may react subtly to the commercials. Alternatively, for a TV-commercial effect, you may wish to bring the lights down on the STUDIO AUDIENCE and GUESTS and bring lights up only on the commercial playing area UP CENTER, then reverse the lights for the transition back to the show. The MoneyCard commercial spoofs a current popular advertisement. Feel free to update this commercial with a different spoof or commercial if desired.

For preview17 only The Ever After - Set Design

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