41 Appendix Appendix 1. the Boston Legal

APPENDIX

APPENDIX 1. THE BOSTON LEGAL MOVIE SEASON ONE EPISODE FIVE AND FIFTEEN TRANSCRIPT

Episode 5

It’s Halloween in night court, which is filled with people in various costumes awaiting appearances in front of the judge. Beat Cop: Suspects were first observed at approximately 10:30 pm across the street from the station house. Robin and Catwoman stood guard as Batman soaped an unoccupied police vehicle. Alan Shore (as Batman): S.U.V. Your Honor. An egregious gas guzzler, and filthy, by the way. Night Court Judge: Continue, Officer. Beat Cop: Officer Brody and I approached. An altercation ensued. Tara Wilson (as Robin): We thought they were hooligans dressed in costume. Alan Shore: As the Village People perhaps. Tara Wilson: Hmm. Beat Cop: Suspects then attempted to evade apprehension by discharging one or more eggs in our direction. Charges are vandalism, resisting arrest and pandering. Alan Shore: Pandering? Our only tricks were in conjunction with our treating. And I do not look like a pimp. Beat Cop: You look like an idiot. The cat’s a known prostitute, your honor. Hooker (as Catwoman): I object to that! Night Court Judge: All right. Masks off now. (the three comply). I know you. Alan Shore. Alan Shore: Good to see you, Judge. My colleague, Tara Wilson. Tara Wilson: Hello. Night Court Judge: Would you care to explain to me why two attorneys are out cavorting with a prostitute? Tara Wilson: We needed somebody to be Catwoman. Alan Shore: Someone with a whip. Night Court Judge: Mr. Shore, while you are a gifted attorney, you bring embarrassment and shame to the legal community. Alan Shore: You’re very kind, sir. Night Court Judge: Case dismissed.

Morning staff meeting in a conference room at Crane, Poole & Schmidt. Paul Lewiston: What’s this with the Markham settlement?

41 Brad Chase: He refuses to sign. He keeps redlining us on language. We think that he’s postponing until after the New Year for tax reasons. I’ll keep pushing him as best I can. On a personal aside, I’d like to remind everyone to vote. It’s our civic duty. Whatever our politics, at the end of the day, we’re Americans. We bleed red, white and blue. Paul Lewiston: Morgan versus Rayburn. Alan Shore: Still in trial. Client survived his testimony barely. Tara and I are pushing a settlement. And on a personal aside, I’m bored. Paul Lewiston: I beg your pardon. Alan Shore: You people keep assigning me these boring cases. At my old firm, I got murderers. I had clients who would touch themselves in public restrooms. These were people you could root for, not to mention relate to. Paul Lewiston: Is there some other place you’d rather be, Mr. Shore? Alan Shore: Yes, I want to be on cable. That’s where all the best work is being done. A paralegal enters and whispers a message to Paul. Paul Lewiston: Who’s doing the Holcomb case? Tara Wilson: Uh, that’s Edwin Poole. Paul Lewiston (to Lori Colson): Aren’t you - Lori Colson: I just handled the decert motion. I didn’t prep the trial. Paul Lewiston: Surely, Edwin assigned it to somebody. Lori Colson: Well, um - actually…. (she glances at a vacant-looking Denny Crane). Paul Lewiston: Denny? Are you handling the Holcomb Pharmaceuticals trial? Denny Crane: I am. Paul Lewiston: Are you prepared to try this case? Denny Crane: I will be. Paul Lewiston: You will be? Are you aware the trial begins tomorrow?

After the meeting, in Paul’s office. Paul Lewiston: We have a problem, Lori. You at least need to backstop Denny here. I don’t - Lori Colson: I can’t. I’m in trial myself today. Paul Lewiston: In trial on what? Lori Colson: I, uh, was assigned a case a couple of days ago which I sort of took. Paul Lewiston: What kind of case? Lori Colson: Uh, just a … homicide. Paul Lewiston: What? Why are you suddenly taking court appointments? Lori Colson: I just need kind of a change, that’s all. Paul Lewiston: Now everyone here is dissatisfied? What is this? Lori Colson: The case I did last week, it kind of awakened me a little. I’m feeling the need to connect with people. Paul Lewiston: Criminal people?

42 Lori Colson: Please don’t trivialize this. Paul Lewiston: Criminal defense is a far cry from criminal prosecution, Lori. You won’t like it. Lori Colson: How can you possibly know that before I even - Paul Lewiston: I know you.

Tara Wilson is examining a document in an office, when Alan Shore enters. Alan Shore: So….shall we? Tara Wilson: We shall. Do you have Morgan’s address? Alan Shore: I do. But what I meant is, shall we continue where we left off last night? Tara Wilson: In front of my building, with you peeing in the planter. Alan Shore: I was about to burst. You should’ve let me come up. Tara Wilson: That plant needed watering. Alan Shore: You should’ve let me come up, Tara. Tara Wilson: It was 4:00 am. If I let you up, next thing we know we’re in the liquor cabinet. Two minutes after that, passed out. Robin sprawled across Batman. What would they say at the Hall of Justice? Alan Shore: Was that what you were afraid of? The sprawling? Tara Wilson: I invited you out to get your mind off Sally. Alan Shore: You’ve succeeded. It’s back to an old, familiar, wanton place. Tara Wilson: Alan, we agreed that you and I couldn’t work. Alan Shore: What was the reason again? I’ve forgotten. Tara Wilson: It would be trouble. One night out, we lose all control and end up behind bars. Alan Shore: Which was utterly intoxicating, was it not? Losing control together. What about it, Tara? After all this time, maybe we should undress - Tara Wilson: We’re late.

As they walk out of the office and down the hall, Sally watches them go. Denny Crane is staring at a stack of thick binders on his desk and lifting them one at a time. Denny Crane: Thick file. Paul Lewiston: Of course it’s a thick file. It’s a class action involving thousands of plaintiffs, and it’s complicated, Denny. Denny Crane: Thick file. Paul Lewiston: Look, all we can do is throw ourselves at the mercy of the judge. If you and I both go to see him and explain Edwin’s situation, maybe he’ll give us some time. Denny Crane: Thick file.

Alan Shore and Tara Wilson are visiting client Bill Morgan at his apartment. Bill Morgan: $70,000. Alan Shore: It’s their opening offer.

43 Bill Morgan (shaking his head): Hmm. Alan Shore: You seem like a very nice man, Mr. Morgan. You also seem like a hypochondriac. Bill Morgan: These headaches are real. Alan Shore: I have no doubt. You’ve also complained on several occasions that you were suffering from tanapox virus. Bill Morgan: Because I noticed the characeristic papular lesions. Very tender. Approximately two centimeters in diameter. Alan Shore: You realize the tanapox virus is endemic to equatorial Africa? Bill Morgan: Yes. Alan Shore: Have you enjoyed your many visits to equatorial Africa? Bill Morgan: I’ve never been there. Alan Shore: Ah. Then perhaps you can see the outline of our problem, Mr. Morgan. Bill Morgan: Look. It’s not my fault. I go to the library and I read books. I try to understand how I might get better. But sometimes the books, they scare me even more ‘cause they describe diseases I didn’t even know I had. Maybe I am a hypochondriac. What do you take for that?

Lori Colson and Sally Heep are interviewing client Jason Binder in a conference room. Jason Binder: Miss Colson, I have never been in a fight before. Lori Colson: Okay. We need to be able to call a witness or two who can speak to your nonviolent character. Jason Binder: I told you - my mother. Lori Colson: Mothers tend to come off as biased. Sally Heep: There’s gotta be somebody else. Friends, coworkers - There’s gotta be somebody. Jason Binder: Well, I live at home. I work at home. I hardly ever go out. My mother’s the only one that - But I gotta warn you. She doesn’t make the best impression. Lori Colson: What do you mean? Jason Binder: Well, she’s got a glass eye, and it doesn’t fit so good. And when she gets upset - If you put her on the stand, don’t get her upset.

In Judge Katherine Taylor’s courtroom, witness Kevin Quinlan is on the stand. Kevin Quinlan: I went up to the bar to get a few drinks. And when I turned around, that’s when I saw Jared and him exchanging words. And I could tell it wasn’t friendly. A.D.A. George Martin: By “him”? Kevin Quinlan: The defendant. So I started heading back, and the place was really packed, so I was kind of blocked. And that’s when I saw Jared push him. And then Jared took a swing, and that was it. A.D.A. George Martin: What was it? Tell us what you saw. Kevin Quinlan: The defendant - he just threw a punch right to Jared’s throat, and Jared just collapsed to the ground. And when I got there, he was barely breathing, and he was making, like, a

44 sucking noise. And then he just stopped breathing, and I tried to do mouth-to-mouth. And so did another guy who said he knew C.P.R., but he - he just died right there on the floor. A.D.A. George Martin: Okay. Now, Mr. Quinlan, this is important. Describe the punch as best you can. Kevin Quinlan: It was a - a short, direct punch. And I could - I could tell by the way he was holding his hand and how he threw the punch that he knew martial arts. It was a kill punch. Lori Colson: Objection! Judge Katherine Taylor: Sustained. A.D.A. George Martin: Why, in your lay opinion, sir, did you regard it as a kill punch? Lori Colson: Objection. Judge Katherine Taylor: Overruled. He can answer. Kevin Quinlan: By hitting the throat, you can make it collapse, and then the person suffocates which is exactly what happened. A.D.A. George Martin: Okay. Lori Colson: You didn’t actually see the altercation begin. You turned around, and they were having words? Kevin Quinlan: That’s right. Lori Colson: You couldn’t hear what was said? Kevin Quinlan: No. Lori Colson: Mr. Quinlan, when the police arrived and questioned you, did you tell them that you recognized my client’s punch as a form of martial arts? Kevin Quinlan: No. I was probab - Lori Colson: Did you demonstrated to them the fist you just made for the jury? Kevin Quinlan: I was too shook up. Lori Colson: In fact, you made no mention of martial arts until after it was published in the newspapers. Kevin Quinlan: And when I read it, it clicked. It all made perfect sense because that’s what I saw. Lori Colson: Hmm. You just forgot to mention it when the police specifically asked you what you saw? How many beers had you had that night, sir? Kevin Quinlan: Three. Lori Colson: How many beers had Jared Grant had? Kevin Quinlan: Three. Lori Colson: So you admittedly couldn’t hear the exchange, you admittedly didn’t see the altercation begin, and you’d been drinking?

Paul Lewiston and Denny Crane are paying a visit to Judge Brian Franzetti in his chambers. Paul Lewiston: Certainly no one could anticipate Edwin Poole’s illness. Judge Brian Franzetti: This unanticipated illness occurred weeks ago. You come to me the day before the trial?

45 Paul Lewiston: The simple truth is this one fell through the cracks. Judge Brian Franzetti: The plaintiff has witnesses from out of town. Paul Lewiston: We’d be willing to assume those costs. Judge Brian Franzetti: Oh, gee! What a swell bunch of guys! Paul Lewiston: Your Honor - Judge Brian Franzetti: Oh, no, no, no, no - I’m sick of this. Your firm has employed a strategy of system heel dragging. It is immoral. Paul Lewiston: Edwin Poole is the only one - Judge Brian Franzetti: Whose fault is that? You people should be sued for malpractice. Denny Crane: Brian, you and I have a relationship. I think of you as a friend. Judge Brian Franzetti: Yes, well, that friendship has gotta take a backseat to principle. I’m sorry. Denny Crane: Well, you know, Brina, given our relationship, I feel entitled to be honest, the way friends are during difficult times. Can I be honest with you, Brian? Judge Brian Franzetti: Please. Paul Lewiston: Denny. Denny Crane: You’re a bastard, and a greedy one at that. This is a class action. You get credit for all the consolidated cases in one fell swoop. You’re looking to make presiding judge. You need that credit by calendar year’s end. That’s why you’re desperate to move this thing forward - to pad your docket. This is about ambition, not morality, you greedy, sniveling, little wop. Judge Brian Franzetti: Motion for continuance denied. Denny Crane: You know what I’m gonna do, Brian? Just to show you there are no hard feelings? I’m gonna sleep with your wife.

In Paul Lewiston’s office, he, Denny Crane, and Brad Chase are meeting with the Holcomb clients. Paul Lewiston: It is our recommendation that you discharge us as counsel. Ask the judge for time to find new attorneys. The only alternative is proceeding tomorrow, which I don’t think we want to do. Derek Ross: Edwin Poole never even gave us this trial date. He told us it was continued indefinitely. Paul Lewiston: Which is why we’re suggesting that you discharge us. He has got to give you time to find new counsel.

Lori Colson and Sally Heep are walking through the halls at Crane, Poole & Schmidt. Lori Colson: You have to handle this, Sally. Sally Heep: Me? Lori Colson: Look, I have this thing about glass eyes. I once had a teacher with a glass eye, and sometimes when he’d get mad, he’d take it out and whack it on his desk. Gave me nightmares. Tara Wilson approaches them from the opposite direction. Tara Wilson: Hi there.

46 Lori Colson: Hey. (then to Sally Heep) What was that? Sally Heep: Nothing. Someone just seems a little overeager to rekindle the flame with Alan Shore.

Alan Shore and Tara Wilson are meeting with opposing counsel. Attorney Braxton Mason: The offer was firm at 70. Alan Shore: Yes. We thought if you’d unfirm it to one and a quarter, we could be done. Your client wouldn’t have to testify tomorrow which, of course, would free him up to misdiagnose others. Attorney Braxton Mason: You don’t seem to get it, Mr. Shore. We offered 70 as nuisance change. Alan Shore: Yes. We just feel Mr. Morgan is a much bigger nuisance than you give him credit for. And I’m an enormous nuisance. We should get something for that.

Lori Colson and Sally Heep approach the door of Helen Binder’s apartment. Sally Heep: I feel nauseous. Lori Colson: You’ll be fine. They reach the door. Knock on it. Sally Heep: You knock on it. Lori Colson: Sally! Sally Heep: If I’m doing the talking, the least you can do is - The door opens suddenly, and both women scream in surprise. Helen Binder: You his lawyers? Sally Heep: Hi. Helen Binder: Hi. Sally Heep: I’m Sally Heep. This is - Lori Colson (looking down): Lori Colson. Hello. Sally Heep: Uh, we just wanted to ask you a few questions, Mrs. Binder, if we could. Helen Binder: Oh, come on in. The three women are now seated in Mrs. Binder’s apartment. Helen Binder: He’s a wonderful boy with a gentle heart. Sally Heep: Yes. Our problem is, you seem to be the only person to truly know him. Helen Binder (sighs): He thinks I’ll make a bad witness on account of the eye. It’s glass, you see? Look close. Sally Heep: Yes. Helen Binder (looking toward Lori): Hmm? Lori Colson: Yeah. Sally Heep: The thing is the prosecution is obviously claiming that Jason’s heart is not gentle. Helen Binder: Has he ever been in trouble? Has he ever been arrested? Has he ever caused problems for anybody? No. He is a nice young man, and it’s the way I raised him. Sally Heep: That’s exactly what we’ll need you to say. I’m also maybe gonna take you shopping, get your hair done. The more presentable, the -

47 Helen Binder: He deserved to die - Jared Grant. Sally Heep: Uh, why do you say that? Helen Binder: He beat up my Jason. Sally Heep: Well, he didn’t exactly beat him up. There was an altercation. Helen Binder: He beat him up! The man is evil, and he deserved to die! Sally Heep: Let’s calm down. Helen Binder: He deserved it, I tell you! Helen’s glass eye bounces onto the coffee table and rolls across and onto the floor.

In Judge Paul Resnick’s courtroom, defendant Dr. Steven Rayburn is on the witness stand. Attorney Braxton Mason: Dr. Rayburn, over these six months that Mr. Morgan was in your care, how many visits did he make to your practice? Dr. Steven Rayburn: Thirty-eight. Attorney Braxton Mason: Is that a lot? Dr. Steven Rayburn: Four times as many as any other patient. We joked he was the office mascot. You name the condition, Mr. Morgan was convinced he had it. Cold, flu, bronchitis, uh, shingles, adult-onset diabetes. Bill Morgan (to Tara Wilson): I never complained of adult-onset diabetes. That’s characterized by excessive thirst. Does it seem to you like I’ve been drinking a lot today? Tara Wilson: I’m sure you’re fine, Bill. Attorney Braxton Mason: Mr. Morgan contends your neglect drove him to this state. Dr. Steven Rayburn: The truth is I bent over backwards to accommodate him. He always needed to be seen immediately. And busy as my practice is, I always made the time. Alan Shore: I applaud you, sir, for your tireless commitment to my client. What a guy. (he begins to clap) Attorney Braxton Mason: Objection. Judge Paul Resnick: Sustained. Alan Shore: Oh. So, these 38 visits - on the house? Dr. Steven Rayburn: I’m sorry? Alan Shore: They were free visits? Dr. Steven Rayburn: No. Alan Shore: Oh. So you charged him. That makes sense. So, with all his complaining, his incapacitation, that pinched look on his face, there’s nothing wrong with him? Dr. Steven Rayburn: Nothing clinically, no. It’s in his head. Alan Shore: Traditional home for the migraine, is it not? Dr. Steven Rayburn: It’s psychosomatic. He’s a classic hypochondriac. Alan Shore: I see. Well, there’s a diagnosis. Tell me, what treatment did you prescribe for my client’s classic hypochondria? Dr. Steven Rayburn: I’m a general practictioner, not a psychiatrist.

48 Alan Shore: So you referred him out to whom? Dr. Steven Rayburn: No one in particular. I did tell him he needed help. I believe I even gave him a list of practitioners. Alan Shore: Ah. So he kept coming to you. You kept taking his money. You did not treat him. And you referred him to … no one in particular. Dr. Steven Rayburn: I’m a G.P. I told him to seek mental treatment. I advised it. I can’t force it. Alan Shore: Once again, he kept coming, you kept taking the money, and you referred him to … no one in particular.

In Judge Brian Franzetti’s courtroom, the Holcomb clients have requested a delay to find new counsel. Judge Brian Franzetti: So you now want to fire your lawyers? Derek Ross: Yes, Your Honor. We had no idea trial was about to start. That’s how incompetent these people are. Judge Brian Franzetti: Oh, and I suppose you had no idea that your company was bilking senior citizens? Derek Ross: Certainly Your Honor intends to keep an open mind with regard to the - Judge Brian Franzetti: Here’s the deal. I give you one day to find new counsel. Twenty-four hours. After that, I’m fining you $250,000 a day for any further delay. The Holcomb clients and the Crane, Poole & Schmidt legal team are leaving the courtroom. Derek Ross: It almost seemed personal. Have you done anything to upset this guy? Denny Crane: Not that I can think of. Adam Herbett: Well, look, aside from preparation concerns, we’ve got a bigger problem. This judge, he’s biased. Paul Lewiston: This is what I propose we do. File an interlocutory appeal asking- Derek Ross: At 250,000 a day. Paul Lewiston: While we’re filing that appeal, we’ll go forward. Should we win, we can suspend the trial. Should we lose, we won’t incur the fine. Derek Ross: But are you people ready to try this case? Denny Crane: I can try it. Denny Crane. Paul Lewiston: There were some settlement discussions that broke down. If Denny can open big, that might bring them back to the table which may be the best way to go at this point.

In Katherine Taylor’s courtroom, witness Gregory Stone is on the stand. Gregory Stone: It was four years ago, at a park in Brighton. A.D.A. George Martin: You met the defendant? Gregory Stone: Well, I didn’t exactly meet him. A.D.A. George Martin: Well, what then?

49 Gregory Stone: I beat the crap out of him. (to Judge Taylor) E-excuse me. I was a different person then. A.D.A. George Martin: Okay, Mr. Stone. We need to be very specific about what happened back then. Gregory Stone: Well, he tried to get into a game of pickup hoops. Me and another guy in the game, we started dissing him a little. He said something back, and we beat him up pretty good. I’m not proud of it. A.D.A. George Martin: And you’re sure it was Jason Binder? Gregory Stone: Yeah. When I saw his picture on the news, I remembered his face. It was definitely him. A.D.A. George Martin: And what about the other guy who beat him up? Gregory Stone: Jared Grant, the guy he killed.

Lori Colson and Sally Heep are meeting privately with Jason Binder. Lori Colson: You lied to me. Not only were you in a fight before - Jason Binder: It doesn’t prove anything. Lori Colson: Now they have a motive, Jason. The victim beats you up four years ago. You take up tae kwon do. You just so happen to encounter him, at which point you kill him? Jason Binder: It wasn’t like that. Lori Colson: That’s why your mom said he deserved to die, because - Jason Binder: It wasn’t like that! Lori Colson: What am I supposed to argue now? Sally Heep: Let’s have it, Jason. Did you go to that bar to get revenge? Jason Binder: I went there to stand up to him. You have no idea how haunted I was by - I didn’t even put up my hands four years ago. It wasn’t getting beat up that stuck with me. It was that I didn’t even - I just let myself get beat up. Lori Colson: So you took up martial arts. Jason Binder: And I went there to stand up to him. I didn’t plan a fight. I certainly didn’t go there to kill him. Then when he swung at me, I just - I swung back. I never meant to kill him.

Denny Crane’s office, which is a flurry of activity with assistants scurrying and flip charts surrounding his desk. Denny Crane: Who are we overbilling? Medicare or senior citizens? Julia: Both, but Medicare isn’t suing us. Denny Crane: “Us”? Meaning the drug company? Julia: Correct. Denny Crane: But if the hospitals are doing the overcharging, why are the seniors suing the drug company?

50 Brad Chase: Denny, we’ve been over this before. The drug company, our client, has the sweetheart deals with the hospitals. We give them rebates, so they disguise the real cost of the drugs. They then bill Medicare for the higher, allegedly inflated costs. Denny Crane: Really? What’s our defense to that?

Alan Shore, Tara Wilson and Bill Morgan are in a meeting with Attorney Braxton Mason. Alan Shore: Seventy-five. You’ve upped your offer by $5,000. Attorney Braxton Mason: We feel it’s generous, particularly when your client’s injuries aren’t real. Bill Morgan: They’re real. Alan Shore: All right, Bill. Attorney Braxton Mason: You know, Mr. Morgan. I don’t typically counsel opposing parties, but I might advise a legal malpractice claim against the attorney who filled your head with million- dollar windfalls. Alan Shore: You seem to have a little something wedged in between numbers four and five. Hmm. Guess it’s just part of your mouth. One last proposal, and it’s entirely possible I’m kidding, by the way, depending upon your reaction. 300,000, sealed. We kick back 50 to you under the table. Attorney Braxton Mason: Mr. Shore, I guarantee you I am not that kind of attorney. Alan Shore: Really? Gosh, I am. Attorney Braxton Mason: I should report you directly to the bar, if not the district attorney. Alan Shore: Well, if that’s how you feel, then I was kidding. Attorney Braxton Mason: I’m going to the judge now. Alan Shore: Excellent. New trial. That’ll certainly cost your client much more than 75,000. Attorney Braxton Mason: Your offer is rejected. Tara Wilson: Suppose he does go to the judge. Alan Shore: Oh, please. He doesn’t want a mistrial. He thinks he’s won. Plus, he can’t prove I wasn’t kidding. I’m known to be funny.

In Judge Katherine Taylor’s courtroom, Helen Binder is on the witness stand. Helen Binder: This is a child who wouldn’t slap a mosquito. He would shoo it away. He couldn’t bring himself to harm a fly or any animal, certainly not a human being. A.D.A. George Martin: Four years harboring a grudge doesn’t suggest a rage to you? Helen Binder: He was bullied by many people, Mr. Martin, not just Jared Grant. A.D.A. George Martin: But he killed Jared Grant. Helen Binder: He got into a fight which had a tragic ending. He never intended to kill, nor could he. A.D.A. George Martin: He learned a lethal martial artz maneuver that - Helen Binder: He learned to defend himself. Look at the size of him, for God’s sake. What was he to do? Fend people off with a sharp wit?

51 A.D.A. George Martin: Mrs. Binder, you love your son very much, don’t you? Helen Binder: Of course I do. A.D.A. George Martin: In fact, he’s your only child. He’s all you have, isn’t he? Helen Binder: Yes. A.D.A. George Martin: He lives with you - or did - before his arrest? Helen Binder: There’s something wrong with that? A.D.A. George Martin: I bet you would do or say anything to keep him from going to prison. Helen Binder: I’m up here telling the truth. A.D.A. George Martin: No. You’re telling lies to spare a loved one a life sentence. Helen Binder: No. You’re the one that’s telling lies! You’re the liar here! A.D.A. George Martin: Your son’s a killer! Helen Binder: No, he is not! A.D.A. George Martin: Your son is a killer! Helen Binder: No, he is not! Helen’s glass eye clatters to the ground and rolls all the way across the courtroom floor.

Denny Crane and the team continue to prepare for the Holcomb case in his office. Denny Crane: What does a rubber glove have to do with it? Brad Chase: Denny, the alleged fraud goes beyond just prescription drugs. It goes to medical supplies as well. Denny Crane: I see a rubber glove, I’m heading in the other direction, I’ll tell you that. Paul Lewiston: Denny, do you understand what this case is about? Denny Crane: I do, Paul. Paul Lewiston: Can you succinctly tell us? Denny Crane: The plaintiff thinks he’s getting bilked for drugs and supplies. His evidence is we charge hospitals and clinics less for those very drugs and supplies. Our argument is, the mere offering of a discount to a consumer does not constitute the overbilling to another. In fact, since hospitals and clinics with E.R.’s regularly treat those who cannot pay, an argument could be made that we’re extending these discounts to those most in need. We’re saving lives, damn it. And I will not apologize for my client’s billing practices. I salute them. I invite you to salute them. Brad Chase: Okay. Let’s turn to the vertical integration between our clients and the hospitals. Denny Crane: What the hell is that?

Tara Wilson is fixing tea in the break room at Crane, Poole & Schmidt when Lori Colson enters. Lori Colson: Earl Grey, huh? Tara Wilson: Hmm. Lori Colson: That would keep me up till Thursday. Tara Wilson: Hopefully a few hours at least.

52 Lori Colson: You and Alan pulling a late one? Tara Wilson: Might be. We’re closing tomorrow. Lori Colson: What are you doing tonight? Tara Wilson: Preparing. Lori Colson: Right. You know, the whole Sally and Alan thing, she’s still pretty raw. Tara Wilson: Meaning? Lori Colson: Oh, just that if you had any intentions of - Alan Shore (who has entered the room unnoticed): Eating her? Raw would certainly be problematic. All that kicking and screaming. Rare often works for me. Seared. I’m sorry. Did you mean something else? Lori Colson: I’m just looking out for a friend. Alan Shore: I see. Well, given that it was Sally’s decision to end our relationship, perhaps you’d consider looking out for me. Lori Colson: You seem all right. Alan Shore: Just to clarify, if Tara did have any intention of whatever euphemism you were in search of, it would, in fact, be none of your business. To put your mind at rest, Tara appears not to have intentions. I do. In fact, just yesterday I was suggesting to her that we engage in a sexual act in her office, but her impenetrable sense of decorum unfortunately prevented us from engaging. Lori leaves the room. Tara Wilson: That was unnecessary.

In Judge Brian Franzetti’s courtroom, Attorney Goldberg is giving his opening statement. Attorney Goldberg: It’s a scam. They charge the hospital “X” amount of dollars for the drug. The hospital then bills Medicare a portion of which the senior citizens are paying. The evidence will show that the defendant, Holcomb Pharmaceutical, systematically defrauded and bilked senior citizens out of billions and billions of dollars. The elderly are discriminated against every single day in this country. They get their driver’s licenses yanked. They are targeted by abusive telemarketers. The prejudice is pervasive. But you know what? They still do get one thing - their day in court. Paul Lewiston (to Denny Crane): Need I point out that it’s your turn to talk. Denny Crane: Hate old people. Always have. They’re babies. Hell, there’s a reason half of them are in diapers. The elderly make up a large percentage of the wealth in this country. They run most of the Fortune 500 companies. They’re running the war, for God’s sakes. And most of them are viable, healthy people. What do they do? Retire at age 65 and start draining our resources. We got enormous poverty in this country. We can’t educate our kids, partly because these strong-bodied, strong-minded senior citizen farts are living off of Social Security. Why shouldn’t we overcharge ‘em? Judge Brian Franzetti: Mr. Crane, I’m not following your argument here. Denny Crane: That’s ‘cause you’re a moron. Judges … old people - they all gotta go.

53 Judge Brian Franzetti: Mr. Crane! Denny Crane: Tell you what. Slap my client with a million-dollar verdict. We’ll pass on the cost to the consumer. The plaintiffs will think they’ve won, and we won’t be out a dime. Judge Brian Franzetti: Members of the jury, regretfully I must declare this proceeding a mistrial. Denny Crane: Aw, gee, I’m sorry to hear that. That’ll cause a big delay, won’t it? Next thing you know, he’ll recuse himself because I called him a bad word. Judge Brian Franzetti: You are in contempt! Bailiff, take Mr. Crane into custody. Denny Crane: Put me in a cell with Martha, will ya? I gotta have sex with that woman.

In Judge Katherine Taylor’s courtroom, the attorneys are making closing arguments. A.D.A. George Martin: Four years of premeditation. He trained in deadly force. Then he sought out Jared Grant, provoked a fight and inflicted a deadly blow to his trachea. Lori Colson: Maybe he even did start the fight. We can’t know that. There’s no proof of that. But even if we’re to assume it, we simply cannot make the leap to intent to kill. A.D.A. George Martin: Why else would he go there? Why else would he punch him in the throat? Lori Colson: Why would he do it in front of a room full of people? Why not just run him down with a car, if his intent was to kill? Jason Binder went there, as he told you, to stand up for himself. Nothing more.

In Judge Paul Resnick’s courtroom, the attorneys are making closing arguments. Attorney Braxton Mason: It’s bad enough that patients are running to the courts suing their doctors for all their ills. Now we have one suing for his imagined ills. This case represents the height in frivolous litigation. What’s next? Seeking damages for a bad dream? I hope not. Alan Shore: “Frivolous.” Is that what he said? “Frivolous”? Astonishing. This man, who suffers, day in and day out, from migraines so excruciating he cannot work, can’t endure 10 minutes at his computer - a trained software engineer. And here he is subjecting himself to depositions, to examinations, the laborious, mindnumbing blather of attorneys. All for what? Frivolity? For six months Bill Morgan reached out to his doctor, week after week, each time invoiced for thousands and thousands of dollars in sum. And then each time dismissed, patted on the head and sent on his way. Had Mr. Morgan actually received the right medical care, or even been directed to a doctor who could specifically give him that care, psychiatric or otherwise, his current state would most likely have been alleviated. But the defendant couldn’t be bothered to care. As Dr. Rayburn told you himself, he treated Bill Morgan like a mascot. Opposing counsel regards him as a nuisance. He’s a human being. He’s a human being. We teach our children that everyone is entitled to respect and dignity. How pathetic it is when adults can’t abide such a basic lesson in humanity. How unconscionable.

In Judge Katherine Taylor’s courtroom, the jury has returned with the verdict.

54 Judge Katherine Taylor: The defendant will please rise. Madam Foreperson, the jury has reached a unanimous verdict? Foreperson: We have, Your Honor. Judge Katherine Taylor: What say you? Foreperson: In the case of the Commonwealth versus Jason Binder, on the charge of murder in the first degree, we find the defendant, Jason Binder, not guilty. On the charge of murder in the second degree, we find the defendant, Jason Binder, not guilty. Judge Katherine Taylor: The jury is dismissed with our thanks. The defendant is free to go. We are adjourned. Jason Binder (to Lori Colson): Thank you so much. (turning to Sally Heep) Thank you. While Jason is hugging his mother, Lori observes him directing a long, menacing stare toward Gregory Stone. The scene segues to Lori sitting in her office, staring into space. Paul Lewiston enters. Paul Lewiston: I’m told congratulations are in order. Lori Colson: You, too. Denny bought you some time, I hear. Paul Lewiston: My father was a criminal defense attorney. He went into it to champion civil rights, to defend the oppressed, to … connect with people. But all I ever saw at the supper table was a man struggling to deal with the idea that he helped put murderers back on the street.

Tara Wilson is watching Alan Shore from his office door. Tara Wilson: Heading home? Alan Shore: Jail. Incarcerated friend. Tara Wilson: You run with a dangerous crowd. Alan Shore: I try. Tara Wilson: As do I. Alan Shore: I don’t think that’s quite true. Tara Wilson: You don’t know me, Alan Shore, not as well as you think. Alan Shore: No? Tara Wilson: No. Certainly not as well as I know you. Alan Shore: How well is that? Tara Wilson: I know that there are three Alan Shores. The good, the bad and the naughty. The good Alan, the man that I saw today in court, is honorable and decent. But you can’t bear the burden of being that man. Thus the bad Alan, who lays to waste everything in his life that seems right. I do have intentions. My intentions are to get beyond the bad which I’ve tried to do again and again by appealing to the good. But it appears to me that perhaps I should be appealing to the naughty. Alan Shore: I’m not certain the Tara Wilson I know is up to the task. Tara Wilson: Again, you don’t know me, Alan. (she picks up a folder and hands it to him) File for you.

55 Alan opens the folder and finds a pair of lace panties.

Denny Crane is sitting in a jail cell, serving his contempt of court sentence. The gate lock buzzes off-screen, and a guard enters the hallway followed by Alan Shore. The guard lets Alan into Denny’s cell. Alan Shore: Your bail was set at six million dollars. Denny Crane: Funny. Alan Shore: I brought you a hamburger (he hands a bag to Denny). The guards here are extremely hospitable. I just got a jury verdict for $320,000. Lori got a not guilty in her murder case. (he pulls two glasses out of his briefcase) You cleverly orchestrated a mistrial. (he pulls out a bottle of Scotch and begins to pour). And a woman I’m infatuated with delivered to me her panties in a manila folder. I think we’re obliged to have a drink. (he picks up the glasses and hands one to Denny) Cheers. (he takes a drink). Denny Crane (not drinking): I wasn’t clever. I forgot. Alan Shore: I beg your pardon? Denny Crane: I stood up, armed with all of the facts of our client’s billing practices, and … I went blank in front of the jury. I couldn’t remember a damn thing. Alan Shore: Well, that can happen sometimes. Denny Crane: Beh. You once said you suspected I had Alzheimer’s. How does a person know? Alan Shore: Well, there’s no exact diagnostic - they can do certain tests. Denny, you may have gone up on an opening, but to recover like that and go for the mistrial, that’s evidence of a man thinking quickly on his feet. Denny Crane: I want to take the test. They drink, and the scene fades as Alan reaches over and rubs Denny on the back.

Episode 15

At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, Shirley Schmidt and AlanShore are in her office watching a video of a man screaming as he’s being beaten up by a policeman. Policeman: Tell me where he is! Tell me where he is or I’m gonna break your arm! Tell me, or I’ll break your arm! He twists the man’s arm, breaking it. The man screams even louder and starts wailing in agony. Alan Shore: ABC's latest reality show? Shirley Schmidt: That was taken by one of the victim's family members. Alan Shore: I see. Why go to his aid when you can get the footage. Why am I here, Shirley? Shirley Schmidt: We represent the police union and accordingly the officer. I need you to second chair me at the trial. Alan Shore: Can't do it. Shirley Schmidt: You don't mean to say that.

56 Alan Shore: You're right. The word is "won't." Shirley Schmidt: You have more experience with criminal defense. Alan Shore: I like my clients to have a modicum of humanity. Shirley Schmidt: Don't we all? In the meantime… Alan Shore: I'm not doing it, Shirley. That officer disgusts me. I won't contribute to his freedom. Shirley Schmidt: I wasn't expecting you to do it for him! Is that what you think, silly? See, I expect you to do it because this firm pays you $375,000 a year. That's a lot of money, Alan, and we expect you to work for it. Even when it requires doing things that don't quite agree with you. I expect you to do it because a senior partner is… oh, no, check that… the senior partner is asking you to do it. I expect you to do it because you so often refer to lawyers as unprincipled, soulless, whores. Well, for the next few days, I need you to be my whore. And if that so offends you, I guess you could always quit. But I warn you, you will be missed. For at least all of five minutes.

At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, in the conference room, Chelina Hall is with a client. Frannie Huber: Ah, where's Mr. Crane? Chelina Hall: At nine in the morning? He could be many places. Why? Frannie Huber: Well, will he be present for the settlement conference? Chelina Hall: He should be. But first... Frannie Huber: And if it doesn't settle? Will he be trying it? Chelina Hall: Frannie, let's talk here. Frannie Huber: Okay. Chelina Hall: We're going to settle. Frannie Huber: Uh hum. Chelina Hall: It must settle. Suing a man for being left at the altar... Frannie Huber: In front of 300 people. Chelina Hall: Courts don't like to get involved with breakups. Not to discount your pain, which I'm sure is real. We are looking at the very real possibility of a directed verdict against us. In light of that, my recommendation is that you accept the offer. Frannie Huber: Uh, for $175,000? Chelina Hall: Yes. Frannie Huber: Oh...no. Um, Denny Crane promised me more. Heh, heh. Chelina Hall: How much did he promise you, Frannie? Frannie Huber: Five million.

At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, in Alan’s office, Denny Crane is reading the paper as Alan is pacing the floor. Alan Shore: Maybe I should quit. This woman has no idea of who or what I am. Denny Crane: Lighten up, man. Alan Shore: First of all, the idea of giving representation to that thug...

57 Denny Crane: Alan, come on. We hate all our clients. It's good to hate. It allows us to overcharge and still sleep at night. Alan Shore: I thought her gamesmanship would at least be more nuanced. Shirley Schmidt: She comes in. Alan? I'm sorry for becoming abrupt last night. The simple fact is I need you. It's a difficult case. Also, for what it's worth, I've been known to get contentious with men I unconsciously want to bed. I can't possibly imagine wanting to have sex with you, but then again, I did sleep with Denny. Ah, we should go. The trial starts at ten o’clock. She leaves. Alan Shore: I will do the case. Sit by her side. For no other reason than to solve her. Catherine Piper: She comes in. Alan! I'm sorry. The midget is back. Alan Shore: I beg your pardon? Catherine Piper: The little man. He's here! Bernard Ferrion: He comes in. Alan! Alan Shore: Good gracious! Who have you killed now? Bernard Ferrion: That question is extremely hurtful. Alan Shore: Why are you here, Bernard? Bernard Ferrion: Well, uh, I just dropped by to say hello. I was in the neighborhood. Uhm. How are you? Alan Shore: Bernie, I'm due in court. I don't have time to talk to you now. State your business, if you have any, with Catherine, and I'll call you back. He leaves. Denny Crane: Um. Forgive me. I'm uncomfortable around little people. He brushes past Bernie and leaves. Catherine Piper: Let me ask you, Bernie. Have you ever thought about finding God? Bernie is at loss for words. Can we talk a second?

At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, in the conference room. Chelina is there. Denny Crane: He comes in and sits down. Lock and load. He notices he and Chelina are alone. Where's the client? Chelina Hall: I sent her home. She doesn't need to be here for this. Denny Crane: He gets up to leave. For God's sake. Chelina Hall: Mr. Crane, did you tell the client we could get her five million dollars? Denny Crane: I might've. So? Chelina Hall: Case values out in the low six figures. That's assuming it doesn't get tossed out on public policy grounds. Denny Crane: Listen, young lady. First rule of thumb in practicing law, always, always promise the client millions and millions of dollars. It's good business. Chelina Hall: And when it comes time to making good on such a ridiculous claim? Donny Crane: He comes in. Donny Crane! Denny and Chelina are both stunned. Donny Crane. You remember me? We used to be father and son. Nice to see you. Chelina Hall: Where's Michael Gendler?

58 Donny Crane: I'm appearing as the defendant's new counsel. That $175,000 is off the table. By the by, way too high. We'll go to $50,000. Donny Crane. Chelina Hall: That's rejected. Donny Crane: Whoa! No counter? Chelina Hall: Three-fifty. Donny Crane: Double whoa! Wow! Guess that means a trial, huh? Cool! More experience for me. Donny Crane. Denny Crane: Denny Crane. Donny Crane: Donny Crane. Denny Crane: You got on this case specifically 'cause I'm on it. Donny Crane: I did. Denny Crane: You wanna get me. Donny Crane: I do. Denny Crane: I love it! Denny Crane. Donny Crane: Donny Crane. Denny Crane: Denny Crane. Donny Crane: Donny Crane. Denny Crane: Denny Crane. Donny Crane: Donny Crane.

In Judge Dale Mellman’s Courtroom, Officer Joe Garrett is on the stand. Officer Joe Garrett: We had received a tip that the suspect, Damon Harris, was visiting his brother Paul. So we went to the brother's house. A.D.A. Nicholas Preston: And did you find the suspect? Alan Shore: Excuse me. I'm new to this case as is the jury of course. To help us track the facts, I was wondering if you could refer to him as the kidnapping suspect so we're clear that we're talking about the man who snatched a six-year-old child. The boy sitting right over here. A.D.A. Nicholas Preston: Was the kidnapping suspect there, Officer? Officer Joe Garrett: No. A.D.A. Nicholas Preston: The brother was there? Officer Joe Garrett: Yes. A.D.A. Nicholas Preston: Could you tell us what happened? Officer Joe Garrett: Well, we searched the premises. Uh, couldn't find the kidnapping suspect. We asked the brother if he knew his whereabouts. He claimed he did not. A.D.A. Nicholas Preston: And then what happened? Officer Joe Garrett: What happened is basically what you saw on the tape. My partner began to interrogate the brother. More coercively. A.D.A. Nicholas Preston: At any time was the victim of this attack considered a suspect himself in the kidnapping?

59 Officer Joe Garrett: No. A.D.A. Nicholas Preston: You never considered him connected to the crime? Officer Joe Garrett: No. Shirley Schmidt: As Mr. Shore noted, you were trying to find the six-year-old boy seated over here? Officer Joe Garrett: Yes. Shirley Schmidt: He was kidnapped how long before this incident? Officer Joe Garrett: The day before. Shirley Schmidt: As time goes by what are the chances of finding a kidnapped child alive? Officer Joe Garrett: After 48 hours, we consider it extremely remote. Shirley Schmidt: In fact, the kidnapper we're talking about is suspected in the kidnapping of another boy, correct? Officer Joe Garrett: Yes. Shirley Schmidt: Did you every find that boy? Officer Joe Garrett: We found his remains. Shirley Schmidt: While my client was committing his coercive acts against the brother, what did you do? Officer Joe Garrett: I stood back. Shirley Schmidt: You never intervened? Officer Joe Garrett: No. Shirley Schmidt: Did you report it? Officer Joe Garrett: Not at first. Uh, eventually. Shirley Schmidt: By the way, as a result of my client's physical coercive acts, did the brother tell you anything? Officer Joe Garrett: He gave us a list of places his brother would frequent. Shirley Schmidt: And did you search those places? Officer Joe Garrett: Yes. Shirley Schmidt: And? Officer Joe Garrett: We found the suspect. And the child.

At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, Catherine is in her office with Bernie. Catherine Piper: All I'm saying is if you killed two people and if you're as alone as you say, there couldn't be a better time for you to turn to Jesus Christ, your Savior. Bernard Ferrion: Under normal circumstances I'd agree. Catherine Piper: But? Bernard Ferrion: I'm Jewish. Catherine Piper: Bernie, there has never ever been a Jewish serial killer. Bernard Ferrion: Son of Sam? David Berkowitz? Catherine Piper: He was adopted. Genetically, he's one of ours.

60 Bernard Ferrion: Well, what are you saying? Catherine Piper: I am saying that if you're out there murdering people, on some level, you must want to be Christian. Would you let me take you to church?

At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, Denny is in his office. Donny is with him. Denny Crane: Gotta admire your guts. Take a piece of the old man. There's a fire in the belly! Donny Crane: Yeah, you're an old man. Just not mine. Remember? Denny Crane: Yeah. Things is, I like you. Actually, I love you. That's a difficult thing for Denny Crane to say. Unless it's part of foreplay. I love ya', Donny. And I'm concerned that you go up against me in a court of law, you'll...I might as well just come out and say it: I can't be beat. Donny Crane: Really? Denny Crane: Never lost. Never will. Donny Crane: I beat you in the salmon case. Denny Crane: You beat Brad Chase. Me? Undefeated. Donny Crane: I see. Well. How do I put this? I took this case mainly to kick your fat lying ass. I mean that in a good way. I will beat you. Denny Crane: No, you won't. Donny Crane: Yes, I will. Denny Crane: Won't. Donny Crane: I Will. Denny Crane: Won't. Donny Crane: Will! Denny Crane: Son. Donny Crane: Don't call me that. Denny Crane: I'm going to tell you this one more time with all the humility I can summon up: I'm the greatest trial attorney that ever lived. You will not beat me. Donny walks out, Chelina walks in. I don't know how much you just heard. My ass may lie; but it's all muscle.

In Judge Dale Mellman’s Courtroom, Officer Wayne Kirkland is on the stand. Officer Wayne Kirkland: I knew he knew something. Either where his brother was or where the child was. He knew something. Shirley Schmidt: And you were prepared to beat it out of him? Officer Wayne Kirkland: I was prepared to punch him. To intimidate him. I didn't actually mean to break his arm. Shirley Schmidt: But Mr. Kirkland, what we saw in the tape? Officer Wayne Kirkland: There are different rules in kidnappins. Shirley Schmidt: What do you mean different rules?

61 Officer Wayne Kirkland: The understanding is we're not supposed to break bones or cause any permanent injury. But physical discomfiture is permitted. It's okay to, say, dislocate a shoulder. Tear a muscle. Shirley Schmidt: You're talking about torture. This was an innocent man, he wasn't even the suspected kidnapper! Officer Wayne Kirkland: And I'm sorry I hurt him. But I felt he knew where his brother was. I considered this to be like self-defense or defense of others. I was gonna do whatever I could to save that boy. All I could think about was my own son. A.D.A. Nicholas Preston: The end justifies the means? Officer Wayne Kirkland: I guess I have to say yes to that. A.D.A. Nicholas Preston: Suppose the suspected kidnapper had confessed to a priest? You'd feel no compunction about beating up clergy to get your information? Officer Joe Garrett: I didn't say that. A.D.A. Nicholas Preston: Well, is there a distinction? An innocent man has information that would lead to the recovery of a child. Officer Wayne Kirkland: I guess I felt the victim here wasn't so innocent. A.D.A. Nicholas Preston: Ah, so we're out there playing judge, too. Policeman, judge, executioner. Shirley Schmidt: Objection. Judge Dale Mellman: Sustained. A.D.A. Nicholas Preston: Who told you it was okay to tear muscles and dislocate shoulders in kidnapping situations? Officer Wayne Kirkland: There's no formal directive. Just understood. A.D.A. Nicholas Preston: Understood by the police who arrested you after you did it? Officer Wayne Kirkland: I was arrested because the media got a hold of this. That's the only reason I'm here. A.D.A. Nicholas Preston: How sad is that? You tortured an innocent man with no criminal record whose only offense was that his fugitive brother stopped at his house. And the only reason you're here is because the media got a hold of it? In Judge Sean Keneally’s courtroom. A videotape of a wedding is playing. Minister: Do you, Frannie, take Michael to be your lawfully-wedded husband, for here and ever after? Frannie Huber: I do. Minister: And do you, Michael, take Frannie to be your lawfully-wedded wife for here and ever after? Silence. Frannie Huber: Whispers. Michael? Minister: Uh, do you, Michael, take Frannie to be your lawfully-wedded wife for here and ever after? No reply. Michael? Michael Foster: Ah. I'm sorry, I can't. I just can't.

62 Frannie starts wailing. Chelina clicks a remote to stop the video. Frannie Huber: I waited my whole life for this day. My friends, my family, they were all gathered to celebrate the happiest event in my life. And instead they were witness to such a humiliation. I'm still reeling from it psychologically. Chelina Hall: Did you require treatment? Frannie Huber: Yes, for many, many months. My therapist thinks the trauma is even an inhibitor to my finding love again. Chelina Hall: Had he given any indication at all that he was wavering? Frannie Huber: None. No. Everything was fine. It was more than fine, actually. It was perfect. Until suddenly um... Well, what you saw. I'm in church with 300 people gathered from all over. He just, um… well, you saw it. Donny Crane: What are you saying? If he didn't feel committed he should've married you just the same ‘cause the catering was paid for? Frannie Huber: If he didn't feel committed, what were we doing up there? I, I was standing in my gown, my wedding dress. Donny Crane: But this is love, Frannie. It takes funny, unexpected bounces. We're talking about emotions of the heart. Denny Crane: Objection. Sounds like a girly man. Donny Crane: Move to strike! Denny Crane: That's better. Judge Sean Keneally: Mr. Crane! Donny Crane: Frannie, do you think my client planned for it to go down like this? Frannie Huber: Do you have any idea what a jolt it was to be left standing in the church, on a day that you've been planning for a lifetime? Donny Crane: You see that guy over there? Denny Crane? He pretended to be my father for twenty-five years. I know a good jolt when I... Chelina Hall: Objection. Donny Crane: You lost a fiance. I lost a foundation. Chelina Hall: Objection! Judge Sean Keneally: Mr. Crane. Donny Crane: Emotional wallops are a part of life. You don't go running into court to address them. Denny Crane: That's exactly what you're doing now. Donny Crane: You shut up! Judge Sean Keneally: Counsel! Donny Crane: I'm sorry. I apologize to the court. Sometimes pain can cause you to lash out. Would you agree with that, Frannie? If the hurt was deep enough, you'd wanna lash out at the person who caused it. Is it possible you're doing just a little of that here? Hmm?

63 Outside the courtroom, Denny walks up to Donny. Denny Crane: That recovery was so smooth it almost looked planned. But it wasn't. I gotcha. Donny Crane: You don't got me. Denny Crane: I do. Donny Crane: No, you don't. Denny Crane: Do. Donny Crane: Don't. Sir? You're opposing counsel. Unless you wanna settle the case...? Denny Crane: This isn't the point? To settle a score? Donny Crane: You caused me to believe you were my father for my entire life. You think that score can be evened up? At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, in the corridor, Denny walks up to Chelina. Denny Crane: Corrina! Chelina Hall: Chelina. Denny Crane: I've decided to take the defendant's cross. Chelina Hall: Mr. Crane, I'm not sure that's a good idea. Denny Crane: Well, whose idea is it? Chelina Hall: Yours. Denny Crane: Well, it must be good. Chelina Hall: Mr. Crane, do you even know what this case is about? Denny Crane: About money. They're always about money. Chelina Hall: I strongly suggest you let me handle this. Denny Crane: How 'bout...? How, how 'bout...? How 'bout those Patriots!

In Judge Dale Mellman’s Courtroom, Captain Larry McDonald is on the stand. Captain Larry McDonald: Never, ever, ever did we send the message, directly, indirectly or otherwise, that it is acceptable procedure to physically coerce suspects or witnesses. A.D.A. Nicholas Preston: Officer Kirkland says it was understood that with kidnapping cases there’s a different set of rules. Captain Larry McDonald: He's mistaken. Our department is to serve and protect the public and that includes honoring their civil liberties. A.D.A. Nicholas Preston: So he was acting outside the scope of his authority as a police officer, in your opinion? Captain Larry McDonald: He was acting outside the scope of the law. He committed a vicious criminal assault. It was disgraceful. I'm repulsed every time I see that footage. Shirley Schmidt: That's a funny thing that you mention footage, Captain, because my client wasn't arrested until that video was aired on the news. Captain Larry McDonald: We were investigating prior to that broadcast. Shirley Schmidt: Ah. You were investigating. Tell me, when did first hear about my client's conduct?

64 Captain Larry McDonald: I can't really recall. Shirley Schmidt: Maybe I can help out. The, uh, victim made a complaint and filed a written report the day that it happened. His family members verified it. You had knowledge of my client's disgraceful acts from day one, didn't you, Captain? And yet, when they recovered the child, you held a press conference singing the praises of your officers, including Mr. Kirkland. Then when the footage went out over the airways, suddenly, my client's conduct became disgraceful. Captain Larry McDonald: We have not ever, and will not ever condone torture. Shirley Schmidt: Alan Dershowitz recently said that if we had a suspect in custody who knew that a bomb was about to go off and kill people, torture would be used. Do you disagree with that? Captain Larry McDonald: We've never had such a ticking-bomb case here so I can’t answer. Shirley Schmidt: Let's say we're trying to crack a big terrorist case, say the Pan Am jet that went down in Lockerbie. Was torture used there? Captain Larry McDonald: You'd have to ask the FBI. Shirley Schmidt: There were reports, I should say rumors, that electrical devices were attached to the prisoners' genitalia. Are you familiar...? A.D.A. Nicholas Preston: Objection. Judge Dale Mellman: This court is not going to admit rumors, Ms. Schmidt. Shirley Schmidt: Let me ask you something, Captain. If they were tortured? Do you care?

At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, Alan and Shirley are walking inte corridor. Alan Shore: I was surprised by your last question. Shirley Schmidt: The last question is our defense, Alan. Which is the reason I need you to close. Alan Shore: Close? I still don't even know what I'm doing on this case, much less...? Shirley Schmidt: You're on this case to close. Alan Shore: Shirley. Shirley Schmidt: I'll buy you a drink and explain. Meet me in my office at 8:00. She leaves. Tara Wilson: She comes up. What's going on? Alan Shore: I haven't the slightest idea what's going on. I'm on this case for no apparent reason. He walks up to Catherine. Catherine! Catherine Piper: Oh. Hello, dear. Alan Shore: I do not want you befriending Bernard Ferrion. Catherine Piper: Gee, you say that almost as if it's any of your business. Alan Shore: The man has murdered two people. It is unsafe for you to keep his company. Catherine Piper: I've managed to survive for eighty-two years... Alan Shore: He’s dangerous and he... Catherine Piper: My word would be "desperate." Alan Shore: Catherine, Bernard Ferrion is evil. He will likely murder again. And you? If there was ever a person who deserved a whack on the head...? Catherine Piper: She is stunned. Oh. Jee… She walks away.

65 Alan Shore: He turns to Tara. What?

In Judge Sean Keneally’s courtroom. Michael Foster is on the stand. Michael Foster: I absolutely planned to marry her. Donny Crane: Well? What happened, Mike? Michael Foster: I just... I panicked. Donny Crane: At that particular moment? Michael Foster: Look, I had a phobic kind of thing about losing control of my life. Frannie, she picked out the caterer, the church, the minister, the reception hall, and it just hit me, that wedding was a microcosm of marriage with every decision to be made by her. I just panicked. Donny Crane: Did you think of how embarrassing it would be for her? Michael Foster: And for me, too. I was the one standing up there looking like an idiot. But we were at the "speak now or forever hold your peace" part. What other choice did I have? Donny Crane: Thank you. He sits down. Denny Crane: He gets up. I must say, we've all just seen the best of Donny Crane. Donny Crane: Objection. Denny Crane: Withdrawn. Withdrawn. Uh, Mitch. May I, may I call you Mitch? Michael Foster: My name is Michael. Denny Crane: Waves his hand dismissively. As I understand your testimony, you just weren't ready to get married? Michael Foster: That's right. Denny Crane: It's a huge decision. Affects your whole life. Michael Foster: Yes. Denny Crane: It affects her life. Michael Foster: Of course. Denny Crane: You, you seem like a considerate sort of guy. Are you? Michael Foster: I think so. Denny Crane: You must have sensed that when you left her at the altar like that it would be a big number on her? You weren't insensitive to that? Michael Foster: No. But, again. What else could I have done? Denny Crane: Well, yes. Would it be unreasonable to say that the groom incurs a duty to perhaps sort out his feelings before thirty minutes into the ceremony? Michael Foster: Well, uh. Denny Crane: That's not unreasonable, is it? For the groom to be sure before he walks down the aisle. Is that unreasonable? Michael Foster: Uh… uh… I guess not. Denny Crane: Ever tell her you're sorry? Michael Foster: Course, I did. Denny Crane: Wanna tell her now?

66 Michael Foster: He looks at Frannie. Frannie? I'm sorry. Denny Crane: And, Mitch. Michael Foster: My name's Michael. Denny Crane: Waves hand dismissively. What's your lawyer's name? Michael Foster: Donny Crane. Denny Crane: What's my name? Michael Foster: Denny Crane. Denny Crane: Big difference, isn't there? Donny Crane: Move to strike. Judge: Mr. Crane! Denny Crane: Now you got it. Lock and load. He goes to sit down. I love the law.

At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, Alan and Lori Colson are coming down the stairway. Lori Colson: And what exactly is your defense? Alan Shore: Something like, “Let him go even though he did it.” Lori Colson: Jury nullification? Alan Shore: Best I can tell. He sees Shirley and raises his voice. Though, Shirley hasn't really filled me in! Shirley Schmidt: Talking about me? Alan Shore: Yes, Shirley. If you so enjoy keeping me in the dark, you really should give me a try. In the dark. Shirley Schmidt: Thank you. Actually, it's your love of the dark that got you on this case. Are we still on for eight? She walks away. Alan Shore: To Lori. See that evidently was supposed to mean something. He sees Bernie trying to avoid walk by without being seen. Excuse me. Bernie! What are you doing here? Bernard Ferrion: Ah, I'm, uh. Picking up Catherine. We're grabbing a bite. Alan Shore: Bernie, I like Catherine Piper. I very much want her to go on living, the chances of which are lessened if she keeps your company. Bernard Ferrion: Go screw yourself. Alan Shore: What did you just say to me? Bernard Ferrion: You heard me. It's not like me to curse. I've, I've only said it once before in my entire life! Alan Shore: Undoubtedly to Mother. Bernard Ferrion: Go screw yourself, Alan!! Alan Shore: Now, we're up to three times. Bernard Ferrion: I will not be berated by you, put down...!! Tara hears this. Alan Shore: Catherine? Are you witnessing this?

67 Catherine Piper: Why don't you give him a chance for God's sake? Alan Shore: How about we leave God out of this? I hired you to be a legal secretary. Not to bring God or anybody else into the office. Certainly not serial killers. Bernie glares at him. Note the look on his face, Catherine. That's what's commonly known as your psychotic glare. Loudly. Don't anyone ask this man to whip up an omelet!! Bernard Ferrion: You were my friend. Alan Shore: And I thought you were mine!! And you know what you did to me after I got you out? You killed again! You got blood on my hands that will never come out! Friends don't do that, Bernie! Friends don't do that! Bernard Ferrion: He shakes his fingers at Alan. He breaths: Oh, you. He is speechless with anger and leaves. Catherine Piper: Oh! She leaves. Alan Shore: He notices Tara. Your continued staring suggests a point of view, Tara. If you've got one, please share it.

In Judge Sean Keneally’s courtroom. Chelina is giving her closing. Chelina Hall: This is every woman's, perhaps every man's greatest nightmare: Being left at the altar. In front of all our family, our closet friends. Our boss! There is no greater humiliation. And it could happen to anybody. It could happen to you, your granddaughter, your son. Me. We gotta send a message. Right now! To every bride and every groom: You wanna have a change of heart? Fine! But have the decency to have it before you walk down the aisle. And there's only one way to really send that message, isn't there? Money. Donny Crane: What would you have him do? The ceremony somehow takes precedence over the institution itself? The goal is to avoid embarrassment now? This is marriage. For God's sake "til death do us part; let no man tear asunder." Now, my client did the honorable thing. He refused to take vows he didn't feel he could live up to. And does anybody here really feel he should have? This is marriage. At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, Shirley is in her office. Alan is with her. Alan Shore: It's simply insane that I should give the closing after you've handled all the witnesses. The jury has no relationship with me. I can only guess that you must want one. Is that what this is all about? Your unconscious desire to bed me? Shirley Schmidt: She clicks the remote to turn on another video of police assaulting a suspect. You have undoubtedly seen this footage? Alan Shore: Along with the rest of the world. Happened in LA. What's it got to do with us? Shirley Schmidt: Two of the officers were disciplined and then they sued. There were just awarded two point four million dollars last month. Alan Shore: Is there a moral? Shirley Schmidt: This brings us to the dark. The jury in that case somehow found it in their conscience to pay those officers millions of dollars. Obviously, there was some human nature in

68 play. We need to stand up in front of our jury and tell then what our client did was a good thing. It's not in me to sell that. Alan Shore: And you think it's in me? Shirley Schmidt: I certainly don't know all of you, Alan. Perhaps not even much. But you seem to have a capacity to see darkness in people's hearts. I need you to exploit the ugliness in human nature in a way that I cannot. Alan Shore: I think you're underestimating your own capacity to see darkness in hearts.

In Judge Dale Mellman’s Courtroom, A.D.A. Nicholas Preston is giving his closing. A.D.A. Nicholas Preston: He's not above the law because he's a policeman. He doesn't get to be exempt from the law because there's a fortuitous result. He beat up an innocent man. Fractured a cheekbone. Broke an arm. Put him in the hospital. This was an aggravated assault. It was torture. Paul Harris didn't have specific information as to the whereabouts of the supect. All he had was a general idea of the places he liked to frequent. For that, you saw what happened to him. A beat. Alan Shore: The truth is, as Americans we love torture. We keep it to ourselves of course. But come on, when it comes to evildoers? Torture's okay. Hollywood certainly knows that. Dirty Harry. Boom. Charles Bronson in Death Wish. Denzel Washington in Man on Fire. Heroes torturing the bad guys. In theaters all across the country we cheered. We like torture! Is there potential for abuse? Without question. The events at Abu Ghraib prison were deplorable. But do we really think they happened in a vacuum? Alberto Gonzalez, our Attorney General, wrote a memo to the administration saying torture's okay. Our Supreme Court just recently held that evidence gained from torture can be used in trials. Alan Dershowitz, one of the leading civil rights activists in our country, raised the idea of using torture warrants so as to at least to be more open about it. Torture warrants. Love that torture. Shhhh. Mr. Preston talks about the witness here being an innocent man. Now come on. He wasn't that innocent. He did harbor a fugitive. One who kidnaps and kills children. He did have information that ultimately led to the rescue of the child here. And he refused to give it up until he was… coerced. As for my client being above the law? Well, the law in this country has always been subject to evolving community standards of humanity. So the twelve of you get to go back there, as a community, and asks yourselves "Was this a good thing or not?" He's happy He points to the child. He's alive. They're sure as hell happy He points to the child's parents. My client saved a life! That little boy's life. If it were your child wouldn't you want the police to do whatever was necessary? This officer got the job done using a method that our government, our military, our attorney general and, yes, even our Supreme Court has said is sometimes okay. Sometimes. Depending on the situation. Whispering and with exaggerated facial expression. Torture's okay. In a normal voice again. Just don't tell anybody.

In Judge Sean Keneally’s courtroom. Judge Sean Keneally: Madame Foreperson, the jury has reached a verdict? Foreperson: We have, Your Honor.

69 Judge: What say you? Foreperson: On the question of liability, we find in favor of the plaintiff. On the question of damages, we order the defendant to pay the plaintiff the amount of one point six million dollars. Frannie gasps in shock and delight. She hugs Denny. Judge Sean Keneally: Thank you. The jury is dismissed. Michael Foster: One point six? Oh, my God! Donny Crane: I'm sorry. Michael Foster: You said we'd win!

Donny clutches his stomach and starts wheezing. Outside the courtroom Donny is sitting on a bench, he is deep in thought. Denny Crane: He goes over and sits down next to Donny. Your first mistake was letting me push your buttons in there. Your second, was not preparing your client for cross. He admitted fault. He admitted the harm was foreseeable. You let me frame the issue as the groom's duty to be sure before the ceremony. Once we got that, we won. Never, ever let the other side frame the issue, son. Donny Crane: I'm not your son. Denny doesn’t reply. Or leave. Could you please go? Denny Crane: He starts to leave. Your third mistake. Definition of a father. It's a sliding scale. Some are great, some are terrible, most are in between. I may not have been around much. But I was always there when you needed me. Still am. And I’ve always loved you. Still do.

In Judge Dale Mellman’s Courtroom, A.D.A. The clerk takes a paper from the judge and gives it to the Foreperson. Judge Dale Mellman: Will the defendant please rise? The jury has reached a unanimous verdict? Foreman: We have, Your Honor. Judge Dale Mellman: Please state your verdict. Foreman: In the matter of the Commonwealth versus Wayne Kirkland, re the charge of aggravated assault, we find the defendant, Wayne Kirkland, not guilty. Wayne Kirkland breaths a deep sigh of relief. Alan Shore: Congratulations. He shakes hands with Wayne Kirkland and quickly turns away. Wayne Kirkland: Thank you very much. To Shirley. Thank you for everything. Wayne Kirkland leaves. Shirley Schmidt: Most welcome, sir. Judge Dale Mellman: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, thank you for your jury service. You are dismissed. This court is adjourned Shirley Schmidt: Thank you, Alan. And I apologize if I offended you. Alan Shore: Nonsense. You paid great tribute to my lawyering skills, Shirley. What higher compliment could there be? He starts to leave. Shirley Schmidt: Alan? Listen, I... You're capacity to see darkness; we all have it I suppose, including me. My point is it was simply a dirty job and I chose to let you do it.

70 Alan Shore: No, the point is I was willing to do it. And you somehow saw that.

At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, out on the balcony, drink in hand, Denny is having a cigar. Chelina Hall: She comes out. Ahem. Your secretary said you wanted to see me. Denny Crane: She told you that? Chelina Hall: Is there some reason why she shouldn't have? Denny Crane: I said I wanted to see you naked. I don't suppose there's much chance of that. Chelina chuckles. I'll let you see me naked. Chelina Hall: Now there's definitely no chance. Denny Crane: Well, now that you're here. You tried a good case, soldier. You're an excellent lawyer. Chelina Hall: Thank you. Tell a friend. She leaves. Alan Shore: He joins Denny. Drinking without me? Denny Crane: I'm never without you. Alan Shore: Nice coat. New? Denny Crane: Thirty-five hundred dollars. It's good to have money. Don't you love having money? Alan Shore: It means we're successful. Denny Crane: Happy. Alan Shore: Fat. Denny Crane: It's all good. How'd your trial go? Alan Shore: We won. You? Denny Crane: Victory. Success. Alan Shore: Goes well with having money. Denny Crane: We're winners. That's what we are. Alan Shore: Ha. Yep. Salud. Here's to the winners.

71 Appendix 2: the Compilation of Lawyers’ Arguments in Alan Shore and Lori Colson’s Trials in the Court Room

This first appendix is the compilation of lawyers’ part in Alan Shore and Lori Colson’s trial in the court. The bold and italic sentences are lawyers’ arguments whereas the naturals are only the explanations about some issues. The numbers ( 1 ), ( 2 ) are the numbers of the arguments.

1. In Judge Katherine Taylor’s courtroom, the attorneys are making closing arguments. A.D.A. George Martin: Four years of premeditation. He trained in deadly force. Then he sought out Jared Grant, provoked a fight and inflicted a deadly blow to his trachea (1).

Lori Colson: Maybe he even did start the fight. We can’t know that. There’s no proof of that. But even if we’re to assume it, we simply cannot make the leap to intent to kill (2).

A.D.A. George Martin: Why else would he go there? Why else would he punch him in the throat? (3)

Lori Colson: Why would he do it in front of a room full of people? Why not just run him down with a car, if his intent was to kill? Jason Binder went there, as he told you, to stand up for himself (4).

Nothing more.

2. In Judge Paul Resnick’s courtroom, the attorneys are making closing arguments. Attorney Braxton Mason: It’s bad enough that patients are running to the courts suing their doctors for all their ills. Now we have one suing for his imagined ills. This case represents the height in frivolous litigation (5).

What’s next? Seeking damages for a bad dream? I hope not.

Alan Shore: “Frivolous.” Is that what he said? “Frivolous”? Astonishing. This man, who suffers, day in and day out, from migraines so excruciating he cannot work, can’t endure 10 minutes at his computer - a trained software engineer. And here he is subjecting himself to depositions, to examinations, the laborious, mind-numbing blather of attorneys. All for what? Frivolity? (6)

72 For six months Bill Morgan reached out to his doctor, week after week, each time invoiced for thousands and thousands of dollars in sum. And then each time dismissed, patted on the head and sent on his way. Had Mr. Morgan actually received the right medical care, or even been directed to a doctor who could specifically give him that care, psychiatric or otherwise, his current state would most likely have been alleviated. But the defendant couldn’t be bothered to care. As Dr. Rayburn told you himself, he treated Bill Morgan like a mascot. Opposing counsel regards him as a nuisance. He’s a human being. He’s a human being.(7)

We teach our children that everyone is entitled to respect and dignity. How pathetic it is when adults can’t abide such a basic lesson in humanity. How unconscionable (8).

3. In Judge Dale Mellman’s Courtroom, A.D.A. Nicholas Preston is giving his closing. A.D.A. Nicholas Preston: He's not above the law because he's a policeman. He doesn't get to be exempt from the law because there's a fortuitous result (9).

He beat up an innocent man. Fractured a cheekbone. Broke an arm. Put him in the hospital. This was an aggravated assault. It was torture(10). Paul Harris didn't have specific information as to the whereabouts of the supect. All he had was a general idea of the places he liked to frequent. For that, you saw what happened to him. A beat (11).

Alan Shore: The truth is, as Americans we love torture. We keep it to ourselves of course. But come on, when it comes to evildoers? Torture's okay. Hollywood certainly knows that. Dirty Harry. Boom. Charles Bronson in Death Wish. Denzel Washington in Man on Fire. Heroes torturing the bad guys. In theaters all across the country we cheered. We like torture! (12)

Is there potential for abuse? Without question. The events at Abu Ghraib prison were deplorable. But do we really think they happened in a vacuum? Alberto Gonzalez, our Attorney General, wrote a memo to the administration saying torture's okay. Our Supreme Court just recently held that evidence gained from torture can be used in trials. Alan Dershowitz, one of the leading civil rights activists in our country, raised the idea of using torture warrants so as to at least to be more open about it (13).

Torture warrants. Love that torture. Shhhh.

Mr. Preston talks about the witness here being an innocent man. Now come on. He wasn't that innocent. He did harbor a fugitive. One who kidnaps and kills children. He did have information that ultimately led to the rescue of the child here. And he refused to give it up until he was… coerced (14).

73 As for my client being above the law? Well, the law in this country has always been subject to evolving community standards of humanity. So the twelve of you get to go back there, as a community, and asks yourselves "Was this a good thing or not?" He's happy He points to the child. He's alive. They're sure as hell happy He points to the child's parents. My client saved a life! That little boy's life. If it were your child wouldn't you want the police to do whatever was necessary? This officer got the job done using a method that our government, our military, our attorney general and, yes, even our Supreme Court has said is sometimes okay. Sometimes. Depending on the situation. Whispering and with exaggerated facial expression. Torture's okay (15).

In a normal voice again. Just don't tell anybody.

74 Appendix 3: Calculation

Table of the Types of Argument Structures Argument Type of structure Number Serial Convergent Linked Mixed

1 1 2 1 3 1 4 1

5 1

6 1 7 1

8 1 9 1 10 1 11 1

12 1 13 1 14 1 15 1 Total 3 6 1 5 Percentages 20% 40% 6.67% 33.33%