1.
The theme for this script is friendship, and the notion that loyalty bears out. 2.
ACT I 1 Scene 1: Village 1
Villagers enter. Song: The Greatest Day of Our Lives (By Company) Villagers and Main Characters exit, but children chorus go to sit at the front so they can join in and encourage the audience response for Buttons’ monologue. There is a flash and Fairy appears. FAIRY Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls. Welcome to our panto world. We’re glad to see you here tonight. And promise that for your delight, a story here will soon unfold... with love and laughter to behold. This village is where it all begins, the villagers have met and had a sing. Oh, I hope you don’t mind that I speak in rhyme, this is what happens, you see, in a pantomime. Ah, here comes Buttons to say hello, he’s a friendly, sweet, if awkward, fellow. The poor bloke’s in love with Cinderella, you’d think he’d have the gall to tell her! Best be off in a puff of smoke, quick time. I’m not supposed to exist until Act 1 Scene 9! Fairy waves her wand and disappears into a cloud of smoke.
Buttons enters holding a bunch of flowers and waves at the audience. BUTTONS Hello everyone! Hello boys and girls! My name is Buttons. B U T T O N S. What’s my name? (pause for audience to respond) Erm? Hello? Is there anybody there? Let’s try that again, shall we? I said, what’s my name? (pause for audience to respond) CHILDREN’S CHORUS BUTTONS! BUTTONS That’s better! Blimey, I thought they hadn’t opened the doors yet!
Yes, that’s right. Buttons is my name. Please don’t bite me though, I’m not a Cadbury’s chocolate. Now you might laugh, but we did this show last year and I’ve still got the stitches to prove it!
Right, now we’ve got that out of the way, I suppose I (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 3.
BUTTONS (cont’d) should explain why I’m here. And why I’m holding these. (Gestures to flowers) You see, these are for our leading lady. Her name is... (Gestures to the audience) CHILDREN’S CHORUS CINDERELLA!
BUTTONS Yes, Cinderella. That’s right! She’s my best friend in all the land. She’s had such a hard life. Her mother died when she was only small. (Gestures to audience for an ’aww’)
CHILDREN’S CHORUS Aww. No it’s much sadder than that! (Gestures to audience for a bigger ’aww’) CHILDREN’S CHORUS Aww!
BUTTONS Alright, alright! It’s not that sad! Now she lives with her dad and her horrible stepmother, the Baroness, and nasty stepsisters, Bonjela and Tixylix, on the house on that hill. Now, you know what to do when you see them don’t you? (Gestures to audience to Boo) CHILDREN’S CHORUS Boo! BUTTONS That’s the ticket! They force her to make all the beds and wash all the dishes! Yuck! You’ll watch out for them won’t you? (Gestures to audience for a ’yes’) CHILDREN’S CHORUS Yes! BUTTONS Great. Now where was I? Ah yes, Cinderella! (Ugly Stepsisters and Baroness peek out from curtains and audience will boo) CHILDREN’S CHORUS Boo!
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 4.
BUTTONS How dare you! Don’t boo at my lovely Cinderella! What has she ever done to you? Anyway, where was I... Ah that’s right! Cinderella! (Ugly Stepsisters and Baroness peek out from curtains and audience will boo for second time) CHILDREN’S CHORUS Boo!
BUTTONS Hey, I said only boo when you see those dreadful beasts, Bonjela and Tixylix! Bonjela and Tixylix sneak up behind Buttons.
CHILDREN’S CHORUS They’re behind you! Buttons turns around as the Ugly Sisters stay behind Buttons so it appears there is no one there. He turns back to the audience and shrugs. As he does this, Bonjela snatches the flowers out of his hand and the sisters run off, leaving Buttons with one single, wilted flower.
BUTTONS Oh no! They were for Cinderella! I told you those two were horrid. Why didn’t you warn me they were there? Oh she would have loved those flowers. She is such a beautiful girl. Shall I let you into a secret? I think I might love her. Do you think I should tell her? Cinderella enters. CINDERELLA Buttons! There you are! What did you want to tell me?
BUTTONS Oh, no, no. Nothing important. CINDERELLA And who on earth are you talking to? (Cinderella looks out to the audience) Oh hello boys and girls! Do you think Buttons should tell me? (Gesture for audience to agree)
CHILDREN’S CHORUS Yes! BUTTONS Oh, okay then...
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 5.
CINDERELLA Well... BUTTONS You see, you know how we have been friends for all of these years? CINDERELLA Yes...
BUTTONS And we get on so well... CINDERELLA Yes?
BUTTONS Well would you...? CINDERELLA Would I what?
BUTTONS Would you like me to help you finish your chores? CINDERELLA Oh Buttons, you do have some funny ways of enjoying yourself! (Buttons looks sorry for himself.) But I don’t know what I’d do without you. You’re such a sweetie. (She leans in and kisses him on the cheek. His face lights up.) In fact, I think you’re the best friend I’ve ever had! BUTTONS That’s me all over. (To audience.) Always stuck in the friend zone! (To Cinderella) You know my motto? CINDERELLA What’s that?
BUTTONS A friend in need is a friend indeed! Song: You’ve Got a Friend in Me (Duet by Buttons and Cinderella)
CINDERELLA Well, come on then.You can help me iron the walls to begin with. (Buttons gives Cinderella a confused look) (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 6.
CINDERELLA (cont’d) Don’t ask! Buttons and Cinderella Exit
2 Scene 2: Cinderella’s House (Outside) 2 Baroness stands at the gates with arms folded next to the Baron. She gestures to her wrist as if to say ’she’s late’. BARONESS Where is that repulsive daughter of yours? BARON Pardon, Candida, my little song thrush? BARONESS I said, I hope dear Cinderella has done all her chores.
BARON Have Bonjela and Tixylix done theirs? BARONESS Don’t be so ridiculous! They’ve been for manicures this morning. You paid for them! Do want to throw all of your money away? BARON I did?
BARONESS Oh, I suppose you expect MY children to go without. You only care about Cinderella. My poor, poor girls. BARON No dear, that’s not...
BARONESS I don’t know why we live here! My poor, innocent babies are nothing to you. They may as well live in the cellar. (Baroness blows her nose loudly) Is that what you want? BARON But dear, they wouldn’t fit. You’ve made Cinderella live in the cellar...
BARONESS You see! You don’t care! Wahhhhhh! BARON No, no! Oh my dear Candida! I am so sorry! I love all of our children dearly. Please don’t fret!
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 7.
Cinderella and Buttons enter. Cinderella! CINDERELLA Yes father? BARON Please make sure you finish your chores this afternoon. It’s deeply upsetting your stepmother.
CINDERELLA Yes father. BARON Thank you, darling.
BARONESS Oh, and Cinderella? CINDERELLA Yes, Stepmother?
BARONESS Be a dear and do the girls’ rooms too, won’t you? (Staring at Baron) They’ve had such a rough morning!
CINDERELLA But father! BARONESS Cinderella!
Baron waves his hands as if to say he has no power over the situation. CINDERELLA I’d best get on then...
BUTTONS You mean I’d best get on then! Cinderella exits and Buttons goes to follow her. BARONESS Oh Bottoms! He returns to speak to Baroness. BUTTONS It’s Buttons.
BARONESS Whatever. How did it go at the salon this morning? Did my girls manage to get everything they needed to look beautiful?
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 8.
BUTTONS I don’t believe they do face transplants there, no. BARONESS Excuse me? BUTTONS Or personality transplants, come to that... BARONESS What did you say!? BUTTONS Nothing, Candida. Oh, look here they come now! The Ugly Sisters enter.
TIXYLIX Hello mother! BONJELA Hello stepfather!
TIXYLIX Hello Buttocks! BUTTONS It’s Buttons! BONJELA AND TIXYLIX Whatever. BONJELA Where is our dear sister? BUTTONS She’s off doing all of your work for you. TIXYLIX Oh she is a dove. BONJELA (to Tixylix) More like an Ugly Duckling!
Baroness laughs. The girls turn around and smile sweetly at Baron, who remains oblivious. BUTTONS Her the Ugly Duckling? You’re so ugly, you look like something I drew with my left hand!
TIXYLIX What did you...? Buttons runs towards the house.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 9.
BUTTONS Must dash! Chores to do, people to offend! Buttons exits.
CINDERELLA(OFFSTAGE) Dinner’s ready! Baron and Baroness exit.
BONJELA That little brute! She knows we’re on a diet. TIXYLIX She’s trying to fatten us up so she can get all the fellas!
BONJELA Pah! As if ANYONE would go for HER, when they could have ALL of this right here! (Gestures at her body and good looks)
TIXYLIX Or this over here! (Gestures at her own body) BONJELA You can have too much of a good thing, Tixy, dear. TIXYLIX Hmmph! The two continue to one-up each other and flutter their eyelashes while barging each other out of the way. Suddenly they look up and notice the audience. BONJELA Agggh!
They try to maintain their dignity as they pose. TIXYLIX Oh, hello fellas!
BONJELA Don’t mind us. (She flips her hair.) TIXYLIX What’s that awful smell?
BONJELA Oh, Tixy, you didn’t heat up that leftover curry for tea last night did you? (Holds nose and wafts hand.)
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 10.
TIXYLIX How dare you! I smell delightful. (She gasps.) Aggghh!
BONJELA You definitely did heat up that leftover curry, didn’t you! TIXYLIX No, Bonjela! The smell! Oh Goodness me! It’s children! BONJELA I thought you liked children?
TIXYLIX Well yes of course I like them, but I couldn’t eat a whole one! Oh they’re all staring at us with their beady little eyes. BONJELA Oh how rude! It’s almost as if they don’t know we’re here for their fathers, not them. (She strokes her face and runs her fingers through her hair)
TIXYLIX Well, hello Sir! BONJELA And what brings you here tonight?
TIXYLIX Oi, get off him! I saw him first! BONJELA No you didn’t! I did!
They squabble and hit each other. BONJELA Hey, Tixy. I know who he didn’t come here for! TIXYLIX Who? BONJELA Cinderella! (They both burst out laughing.) Speaking of Cinderella, we ought to go and find the little urchin. It’s been at least five minutes since we terrorised her last! TIXYLIX Oh, but couldn’t we just...
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 11.
Tixylix reaches towards the man in the crowd and Bonjela drags her off stage kicking and screaming. 3 Scene 3: The Woods 3
Fairy enters. FAIRY If you should come to the Woods today, you’ll see Dandini and the Prince are out to play. A wife he should find, now they’re back from the tropics, but on his mind there are ’other’ topics. You see the Prince returned from his trip today, and he’ll find a bride if I have my way! After everything Cinderella’s endured, the Prince will be hers and we’ll cry "he’s scored!" But for now we must wait and let fate play its part, I know what you’re thinking, my job is an art! Dandini marches in as Prince Charming lags behind him. Fairy rushes to hide behind a nearby tree, and then exits. DANDINI Not far now, your highness. PRINCE You said that three hours ago! And don’t call me your highness. It’s weird. DANDINI Got to pretend this isn’t a bromance now we’re back on home turf, haven’t we? Never know who’s watching. We don’t want to put off the birds do we. (Dandini winks) PRINCE Please never do that again.
DANDINI Look, don’t be jealous because of how well I do with the ladies. You can take the boy out of Essex... (Prince Charming gives Dandini a disgusted look.) Alright! Don’t look at me like that. It’s not my fault the carriage broke down. PRINCE It is your fault the carriage broke down.
DANDINI How was I supposed to know if I pulled that handle the ejector seats would activate? Prince Charming glares at Dandini, who grins back at him. They laugh.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 12.
PRINCE Seriously though, can’t we go back to Belvoir? (Pronounced in the French way)
DANDINI Pretty sure the locals call it Belvoir... (Pronounced in the local way) But no, your majesty. We can’t. PRINCE Why not? DANDINI You know why not! PRINCE I know, I know. (Mimicking Dandini) Your father is hosting a ’Welcome Home’ ball in your honour and you’re expected to attend.
Dandini punches Prince Charming playfully. DANDINI Do you want help handing out these invitations or not?
PRINCE Sorry. But I just hate all that fancy stuff, it makes me so nervous! As for finding a bride, I’m not ready for all that yet! Who wants to buy a pair of slippers and settle down watching ’Bake Off’ every night? I’d much rather be out on the lash with you and the lads. I wish I wasn’t a Prince just for one day. DANDINI Funny. The rest of us wish the opposite. PRINCE That’s it! DANDINI What’s it? PRINCE The opposite! You pretend to be me and have your fun, and I pretend to be you and get to relax! Just until the party’s over, mind. I don’t want to live in squalor forever.
DANDINI Me sire? Be you? I wouldn’t know where to begin! Prince Charming stands up tall and gestures for Dandini to copy him. He does.
The music begins.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 13.
Song: Me and My Shadow (By Prince Charming and Dandini) Throughout the song Prince Charming teaches Dandini how to act like a Prince. 4 Scene 4: Kitchen 4 Cinderella and Buttons are working on their chores. Cinderella gives up and sits on the floor in a sulk. CINDERELLA We’re never going to get this finished! I can’t believe that evil Candida is making us do Bonjela and Tixylix’s chores too!
BUTTONS Oh Cinders, don’t be sad! We can do this! You’ve got me! And you know my motto? CINDERELLA A friend in need is a friend indeed? BUTTONS No! A problem shared is a problem halved! CINDERELLA Thank you Buttons, but I don’t think we have enough hands between us. They think with hands on chins. I know! The boys and girls can help!
BUTTONS How are they going to help? Their hands are tiny! CINDERELLA No, not help with the chores. Help us find someone to do them with us! BUTTONS How are they going to do that then? CINDERELLA (To Buttons.) Trust me. Watch and learn! (To the audience) Okay, everybody! Now on the count of three I need all of your help. Are you ready? (Pause for audience to reply with ’yes’) Perfect. Now I need you to shout at the top of your lungs, can you do that? (Pause for audience to reply with ’yes’) Brilliant! Now what I need you to shout is "Animals, (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 14.
CINDERELLA (cont’d) animals on all fours, help Cinderella do her chores!" Can you do that for me? (Pause for audience to reply with ’yes’) Let’s practice shall we? On three... One, two, three! BUTTONS(AND AUDIENCE) Animals, animals on all fours, help Cinderella do her chores!
CINDERELLA Well they’re not going to hear that are they? Come on, once more with feeling! One, two, three! BUTTONS(AND AUDIENCE) Animals, animals on all fours, help Cinderella do her chores! CINDERELLA Much better!
The music begins and the chorus enter dressed as household creatures. (E.G. Cats/Rats etc) Song: Workin’ 9 to 5 (By Cinderella, Buttons and Chorus)
The animals scurry off. BUTTONS Wow! It really worked! Look at the place. CINDERELLA I told you to trust me! BUTTONS I always trust you, Cinders. The Ugly Sisters barge in carrying bags full of shopping, knocking Buttons into Cinderella, who in turn knocks a mop bucket all over the clean floor. They pause to laugh and then exit.
CINDERELLA Oh no! Our nice clean floor! BUTTONS How dare they!
CINDERELLA I guess we’d better start again! I don’t know where they get the money from for all these clothes and beauty treatments. My father is so oblivious. Why can’t he see they’re using him?
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 15.
BUTTONS Beauty is one word for it... CINDERELLA My father told me last night that we haven’t got any money. Yesterday, the bank even sent back one of his cheques! BUTTONS Don’t worry Cinders! That’s a good thing. Now he can use it again! CINDERELLA I wish I could see the world through your eyes, Buttons. It gets me so down sometimes how those horrible girls treat my poor father. But then again, why should I care about him? The minute he met that horrid Candida he made me live in the cellar! He doesn’t care about me at all! BUTTONS Aww (Encourages audience) CINDERELLA It’s much sadder than that!
BUTTONS(AND AUDIENCE) Aww! Cinderella mopes. BUTTONS I know what will cheer you up! CINDERELLA What? BUTTONS I heard a good joke down at the village earlier! (Buttons clears his throat.) What shakes at the bottom of the ocean? CINDERELLA I don’t know, Buttons. What does shake at the bottom of the ocean? BUTTONS A nervous wreck!
Buttons bursts out laughing, and Cinderella joins in reluctantly. How about this one then? Where do they weigh whales? CINDERELLA I don’t know, Buttons. Where do they weigh whales?
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 16.
BUTTONS At a Whale Weigh station! They both laugh.
CINDERELLA Oh Buttons, you do cheer me up! I don’t know what I’d do without you. BUTTONS You don’t? CINDERELLA Of course I don’t! I love you! BUTTONS You... (He gulps) ...Love me? CINDERELLA Of course I do! Like a brother of course! (She kisses his cheek) Well, I must get on. I’ve got this lot to clear up now. And I don’t want to cause my father any more worries on top of this money problem!
BUTTONS But I... CINDERELLA Yes, Buttons?
BUTTONS I lo... CINDERELLA What was that?
BUTTONS I lo... I love helping you so much that I’d like to do some more chores! CINDERELLA Oh, thank you Buttons! You are kind! Come on.
They exit. 5 Scene 5: Cinderella’s House (Outside) 5 The Baron is pacing outside the house. He is in deep thought and keeps acting as if he has an idea, and then shaking his head. The debt collectors, Bourne and Bread, enter.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 17.
Bourne clears his throat. BREAD Excuse me, sir?
BARON Can’t you see I’m in deep thought. Didn’t your parents ever tell you not to interrupt a Baron when he’s in deep thought?
BREAD Funnily enough, that one didn’t come up at the dinner table. I distinctly remember there were bits about not picking my nose, but... BOURNE (Interrupting) Sir, we are here on important business and we must speak with you immediately. BARON Me? BREAD Yes, you. BOURNE You are the Baron aren’t you? BARON Why yes, of course I am. (Feigns importance)
BREAD Wonderful. BARON And who are you?
BOURNE I’m Bourne. BREAD And I’m Bread.
BARON Born and Bred? BOURNE Yes, yes "Born and Bred". Ha. Ha.
BREAD Do you think you really ought to be mocking us when we’ve come here on such serious business?
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 18.
BOURNE Debt collecting business! BARON Debt collecting business? Oh well then you’ll want to speak to the Baron, not to me! BOURNE You just told us you were the Baron, Sir. (Baron acts as if he has only just realised this and thought he would get away with it.) You owe us £500. BARON Right... Well... I mean, I would like to pay, but I can’t! I haven’t any money, you see! Have you got any? BREAD Of course we have money. We’re debt collectors.
BARON Well why don’t you lend it to me for a little while? How much do you have? BOURNE Well I’ve got £70. BREAD And I’ve got £25. Slow day! BARON Oh right. And how much does that make then? BOURNE AND BREAD £95, Sir. BARON Does it really? Let me count it to be sure. BREAD Who do you think we are? BOURNE We’ll never get it back! BARON Of course you will! Would I lie to the authorities? Certainly not. I swear on the grave of my dead parrot!
BOURNE Pah!
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 19.
BARON No, no. Pah-rot. Like the bird. BREAD He meant you were being ridiculous. BARON Ridiculous!? How dare you? Wendy was like a child to me!
BOURNE Terribly sorry Sir. The Baron starts to wail. Look what you’ve done now! He’ll never give us the cash. You’ll have to cheer him up.
BARON You could let me count the cash. That would cheer me up. BREAD I suppose we’d better... Bourne and Bread hold out their cash and the Baron snatches it.
BARON Mummy wouldn’t let me have an abacus when I was young. All I ever wanted was to count. Count and invent. Count and invent. BOURNE Oh yeah? BREAD What have you invented then? BARON Well I almost invented PVA glue. But it didn’t stick. BOURNE Oh... BARON Anyway, where was I? BREAD You were counting, Sir. BARON Ah, yes! Now then, 1, 2, 3... (The Baron begins to hand over the money as he counts.) How many years have you been doing this?
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 20.
BOURNE Seven. BARON Seven, eh? 8, 9, 10... And what about you? BREAD I’ve been in the game a long time. 25 years! BARON Wow! 25? 26, 27, 28... BREAD Before Bourne here, I had another partner called Butter. Sweet, sweet lad. Spread himself a bit too thin though.
BARON Bread and Butter? BREAD Yes, alright. Ha. Ha.
BARON When did you start in the business then? BREAD ’92 BARON Oh right, ’92! 93, 94, 95! There you go chaps. I’d best be off. All this counting has got my ideas flowing.
BOURNE Now hold on a minute! BREAD You don’t think we’re that stupid, do you?
BARON Huh? BOURNE Yes, we’ve got our cash back. But you’ve not actually paid us anything? BARON Oh, right. Yes, I see. (The Baron pats his pockets and then notices the rest of the cash in his hand) A-ha! BREAD Give it ’ere!
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 21.
BOURNE I think we’ll do the counting this time. How much is there Bread?
BREAD We’d better ask the expert. BOURNE Ah yes. Master Raised!
Apprentice debt collecter, Raised, enters. RAISED You called? BOURNE Bit of a job for you, lad. BREAD He’s Mr Bourne’s apprentice, you see. BARON Bourne and Raised...? Righty Ho then! Everyone looks over Raised’s shoulder as he counts the cash.
RAISED £83. BREAD £83.
BOURNE £83. BARON I think there might be £83?
BOURNE Very well. We’ll take that as a down payment. BREAD You’ve got until the weekend. Make sure you have the cash, or we’ll send Raised here round before we’ve fed him his breakfast! RAISED Trust me, you wouldn’t like me before I’ve eaten. I’m not myself when I’m hungry.
BARON I’m sure we could rustle you up a ’snickers’ from the pantry.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 22.
BOURNE, RAISED AND BREAD Ha. Ha. Ha. BARON Anyway, lads. It won’t be an issue. I’ve got a money making scheme in the pipelines. It’s a new type of rocket. And if that doesn’t launch well, I’ve invented a new type of ball. It’s bound to catch on! Bourne, Raised and Bread exchange confused glances and exit. 6 Scene 6: The Woods 6 The Ugly Sisters enter.
BONJELA Why are we here? TIXYLIX Mummy said walking is good for your health.
BONJELA Hmmph! So is chocolate. TIXYLIX How is chocolate good for your health?
BONJELA Well chocolate comes from cocoa, which comes from a tree. That makes it a plant, therefore chocolate counts as salad!
TIXYLIX Oh, that’s fantatic news! I was saving this for later, but might as well... Dandini and Prince Charming can be heard offstage as Tixylix produces a chocolate bar from her pocket and shares it with Bonjela. DANDIDNI This is never going to work! PRINCE Of course it will. Trust me. No one knows what we look like anymore anyway. We’ve been abroad for ages. Prince Charming enters and sees the Ugly Sisters, who do not notice the boys. Greetings ladies!
The Ugly Sisters jump. BONJELA A man!
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 23.
Dandini enters. TIXYLIX 2 men!
The Ugly Sisters hide the chocolate behind their backs, although it is smudged around their mouths. Bonjela pushes Tixylix out of the way and walks towards Prince Charming. BONJELA Well, hello there. (She flips her hair.) And what is your name?
PRINCE Never mind that. I am here to present his royal highness, the Prince. Prince Charming gestures to Dandini who steps forward and bows. TIXYLIX The Prince? Well who are you?
DANDINI Ladies, this is my loyal servant, Dandini. BONJELA A... a servant?
TIXYLIX Gross! They abandon Prince Charming, knocking him over, as they rush to fuss over Dandini.
BONJELA Oh, your majesty! The girls curtsy, as Dandini looks around awkwardly. He gestures to Prince Charming for help, who is picking himself up off the floor.
Tiylix lets out a loud farting noise. Bonjela and Dandini jump in disgust. PRINCE How dare you pass wind before me!? Dandini clears his throat.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 24.
DANDINI What Dandini means is, how dare you pass wind before ME? I am the Prince!
Dandini glares at Prince Charming. TIXYLIX I didn’t realise it was your turn! Oh your majesty, I am sorry! It’s exercise you see, gets everything moving.
DANDINI Ladies, kindly let us pass. We are on our way to the village. BONJELA The village you say? TIXYLIX Oh, well we live right near there! BONJELA Come along, we’ll show you the way! DANDINI No really, it’s fi...
The Ugly Sisters drag Dandini off stage by his arms, knocking Prince Charming over again and leaving him on stage alone. Dandini mouths ’help’ as they drag him away.
PRINCE Well, this is going well isn’t it! You know I never asked to be a Prince. I wasn’t even meant to be a boy! My mother was expecting a girl. I suppose that’s why I’m wearing pink in all of my baby paintings. Come to think of it, I do get called feminine sometimes. I can’t imagine why! (He leans down and begins to pick flowers.) I’m glad Dandini is being me for a change. All these parties and princesses. I’ve had enough. You’ll never catch me meeting a nice girl and settling down. Nobody’s going to change my mind! Not now, not ever! Cinderella enters looking for Buttons. Prince Charming sees Cinderella and his mouth drops open. He wipes the dribble from his chin in an exaggerated movement and continues to pick flowers while staring. CINDERELLA Buttons! Buttons, where are you? Where has he got to? He must have got roped into helping the Baroness (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 25.
CINDERELLA (cont’d) again. She’s forced me to come out here all alone to pick flowers for Bonjela and Tixylix. She wants me to grind them into perfume! How I’m going to do that I have no idea! There’s not a scent on earth that could make them smell nice... As she is speaking Cinderella walks straight into Prince Charming and drops her flowers.
PRINCE Oh, my! I am sorry, Miss. She gulps. Here...
He gives her the flowers he has picked to replace the ones she dropped. CINDERELLA Th... Thank you!
PRINCE You’re very welcome. I didn’t mean to startle you. I do apologise. I’m the Prince...’s servant, Dandini. CINDERELLA You know the Prince? PRINCE Yes. In fact, I know him VERY well. CINDERELLA Oh, wow. What is he like? I’ve heard he’s due home soon. PRINCE Well, actually... he’s home already.
CINDERELLA Oh! PRINCE Let’s see, how can I describe him? Well, he’s tall, he’s got gorgeous flowing locks, he’s EVER so handsome. CINDERELLA It sounds like you might know him a bit too well! The Prince clears his throat and tries to act ’manly’. PRINCE No, no. It’s just... I know he’s looking for love, that’s all.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 26.
CINDERELLA Here? In this village? Well, I heard he was a complete wasteman. Just an irresponsible party boy - always out clubbing ’til all hours!
PRINCE No, no, no. Umm... No, he’s really not! He’s looking for the right girl. He told me he’s ready to settle down, you see.
CINDERELLA I see. PRINCE You know, I think the best way to describe him is that he’s a bit like me really...
CINDERELLA Well, if he’s anything like you, I am sure he is lovely. PRINCE Thank you. And might I say, you are quite lovely too. Music begins. CINDERELLA Do you believe in love at first sight? PRINCE I think I’m beginning to... Song: I’ve Never Been In Love Before (By Cinderella and Prince Charming) As the song comes to an end, they are about to kiss when a clatter is heard of stage. DANDINI(OFFSTAGE) Your highness! Cinderella runs off as Dandini enters. PRINCE Oh Dandini, you scared her off!
DANDINI Scared who off? PRINCE Only the most beautiful girl in all the world! (Dandini mouths "who?" at the audience) Quick, she ran towards the village. I bet we could catch up with her!
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 27.
DANDINI Hold on, Sire. If she ran in the direction of the village, then that means she must be from the village, and if she’s from the village, then that means she must be going to the ball tonight. PRINCE Oh. DANDINI You know? The one you want to cancel... PRINCE Cancel? Who said anything about cancel? Quick! We need to get ready. Book a five hour slot at the salon!
DANDINI Five hours!? PRINCE It’s been a while...
They exit in a hurry. 7 Scene 7: Kitchen 7 Buttons is balancing a pile of books in his arms and trying to walk without dropping them, as Cinderella enters. CINDERELLA Buttons! There you are!
BUTTONS Oh, hello, Cinders! CINDERELLA What have you got there?
BUTTONS Books. CINDERELLA But you don’t read! In fact, I’ve never even seen you turn a page.
BUTTONS Excuse me, I buy Ok! every fortnight. CINDERELLA Okay, you don’t read anything with a spine... BUTTONS Well, perhaps I’ve turned over a fresh leaf. Reading is good for the mind.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 28.
CINDERELLA And, are they any good? She gestures to the books.
BUTTONS Well, yes and no. CINDERELLA Yes and no?
BUTTONS I’ve not quite got round to opening the cover, but I did find one good use for them. You see, for years now your horrible stepmother has been hiding the biscuits on top of the fridge out of reach...
CINDERELLA And how did the books help exactly? BUTTONS Well, I was able to stand on them to reach the biscuits! CINDERELLA Ah!
BUTTONS But the tin was empty. CINDERELLA Oh.
BUTTONS So, you see they didn’t help in the end and I’m taking them back.You know my motto! CINDERELLA A problem shared is a problem halved?
BUTTONS No! If it’s not worth having, chuck it in the bin! Anyway, where have you been? CINDERELLA Out in the woods picking flowers for Bonjela and Tixylix. (Buttons grimaces) Buttons, I met someone! BUTTONS You met someone? CINDERELLA Yes, he’s the Prince’s servant. He was so kind, and sweet, and... Oh, Buttons, I think I love him!
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 29.
BUTTONS You... love him? Buttons looks dejected. Cinderella remains oblivious. CINDERELLA Yes, and I heard in the village that the Prince is holding a ball and everyone’s invited! I might get to see him again tonight. Oh Buttons, I can’t wait. I’ve simply GOT to finish my chores. BUTTONS Oh... well, I’d offer to help, but I’d best take these back.
As Buttons is about to exit the Baroness enters with an invitation. BARONESS Buttons! Buttons? Where is that boy? (Pause for audience to shout "he’s behind you!" Baroness turns around, confused.) Oh no he isn’t! CINDERELLA Oh yes he is! (encouraging audience) BARONESS I’ve had enough of your lies! Get on with your work! (Cinderella exits. Baroness leans against the pile of books Buttons is holding, knocking him over as they fall all over the floor on top of him.) What on earth are you doing down there!? You lazy boy! Get up at once!
BUTTONS Yes, Baroness. He gets up and dusts himself off.
BARONESS Buttons, you must get to work at once. There is so much to be done! BUTTONS And why is that, ma’am?
BARONESS We have recieved excellent news!
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 30.
BUTTONS You’re going back to the mothership? BARONESS I beg your pardon!? BUTTONS I said, you look well fit? BARONESS Yes, obviously Buttons, but we need to focus. My daughters and I have been invited to the Royal Ball! The Baroness hands Buttons the invitation. BUTTONS That’s great! Cinderella will be ever so pleased! BARONESS Cinderella? Please. She has far too much work to get on with here. I mean my gorgeous Bonjela and my beautiful Tixylix.
BUTTONS Oh. BARONESS Now, I want you to make sure that the carriage is sparkling clean for our arrival, and... The Baron comes marching in, excited. BARON I’ve done it! BARONESS You’ve done what? BARON I’ve cracked it! BARONESS You’ve cracked what? BARON I’ve figured it out. The way to pay off those ghastly debt collectors. I am going to invent something useful and become very rich. BUTTONS Well, that was a non-event.
BARON Pardon?
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 31.
BUTTONS I said, what are you going to invent? BARONESS Yes, if you ever invent something useful, I’ll eat my head. BARON Well you’d better get a knife and fork ready, my dear because I am going to invent television.
BARONESS AND BUTTONS Television? BARON That’s right, television. It hasn’t been invented yet, so I’m going to invent it. BARONESS You know that electricity hasn’t been invented yet either, don’t you?
BARON Never mind that, we can watch it by candlelight. BUTTONS I made an invention once.
BARONESS YOU? Made an invention? What was it? A chocolate teapot? BUTTONS Erm, excuse me! No. It was a waterproof teabag, actually. The Baroness shakes her head while the Baron perks up as if he thinks this is a good idea he could steal. I can’t imagine why it didn’t float. BARONESS Goodness, Buttons. You are slow. I bet it takes you thirty minutes to boil an egg!
BUTTONS Mock all you like, but I won’t be sharing the royalties when the Dragons come knocking. The Baroness shakes her head and leaves, followed by the Baron in deep thought.
Cinderella enters. Buttons hides the invitation behind his back.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 32.
CINDERELLA Buttons, what’s that? BUTTONS Oh... It’s nothing! Just a list of chores your stepmother wants me to do. Best get along! Buttons tries to sneak off past Cinderella with the invitation behind his back, but she grabs it.
CINDERELLA Chores, eh? He tries to grab it out of her hand, but she moves away. She begins to read and becomes obviously disheartened. Oh. BUTTONS Sorry.
CINDERELLA Why are you sorry? We’re going to the ball! BUTTONS Well, that’s it you see... we’re not allowed. Too many chores. CINDERELLA Oh. BUTTONS Perhaps I could do them instead? CINDERELLA Buttons, you can’t. You’ve done far too much for me already.
BUTTONS But the ball... and that man... and... Cinderella, these chores will take all night! CINDERELLA Well then, I’d better get on with it, hadn’t I?
BUTTONS At least let me help! Maybe we’ll get them done in time, if we just work together? You know my motto? CINDERELLA If it’s not worth having chuck it in the bin? BUTTONS No! Where there’s a will, there’s a way!
Song: Reprise of Workin’ 9 to 5
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 33.
They sing a short rendition as they begin to get to work. This fades out as they exit. 8 Scene 8: The Ugly Sisters’ Room 8
Bonjela and Tixylix are getting ready for the ball. Bonjela sits staring into the mirror while stroking her face. Tixylix is grabbing dresses from the wardrobe, testing them against her body and throwing them into a pile.
TIXYLIX Oh Bonjela, just look at me. Ever since I was young this face has been second to none. BONJELA What, for ’Ugly of the year’? TIXYLIX How dare you! (She sulks and crosses her arms, facing away.)
BONJELA I’m only joking, Tixy. You remind me of the sea. TIXYLIX Glisteningly beautiful?
BONJELA No, of course not. You make me sick! TIXYLIX That’s it! I’m going to have my face lifted. (She grabs a pen and starts writing frantically) I’m going to send a Raven. Do you think the doctor will be able to fit me in before tonight?
BONJELA Look at yourself, Bonjela. They couldn’t fit you in any night. TIXYLIX Hmmph!
BONJELA Here, try this. (She hands her a bottle) I’ve started this new treatment for my complexion. It’s made with lemon juice.
TIXYLIX No wonder you always look so sour!
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 34.
BONJELA Hey! At least I’m prepared for this evening. Look at the state of those legs!
TIXYLIX What? BONJELA You look like a werewolf! (She grabs a wax strip) Come here and let me sort that out! Tixylix starts to run around the stage as Bonjela runs after her with the wax strip in her hand. They run behind a screen so the audience cannot see them.
TIXYLIX Aaaaaagh! Bonjela walks out sheepishly.
BONJELA It was an accident. Tixylix walks out. She has a big bald patch on her head.
TIXYLIX I’m going to get you. What man will ever want me like this!? BONJELA We’ll have to get you a wig. TIXYLIX Ah, perhaps I can borrow one of yours! You did that on purpose. You’ve always been jealous of my locks!
BONJELA Have not! TIXYLIX Have too!
Bonjela spots the clock and gasps. BONJELA Tixy, look at the time! TIXYLIX We’ll never be ready! We’ll never be Princesses! BONJELA And we’ll never live in a castle!
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 35.
TIXYLIX Quick! What are you wearing? BONJELA Well, I was going to wear the red dress, but look it’s all wrinkled! TIXYLIX Oh it’ll match your skin then. Look at mine, I got it for a ridiculous figure!
BONJELA Not wrong there... TIXYLIX Here, try this one! I need to moisturise.
She hands her a dress and Bonjela starts to step into it. She trips and falls into Tixylix as she is putting moisturiser on. She knocks the tub into Tixylix’s face.
As Tixylix pulls her hand away, her face is revealed to be covered in cream. She wipes her eyes one by one. TIXYLIX Why, you...! She chases Bonjela offstage. 9 Scene 9: The Cellar (Cinderella’s Room) 9
Cinderella is sat on a stool stitching a tattered blanket. Buttons enters and collapses in a heap on the floor. He wipes his brow. BUTTONS Phew! That’s the last of it.
CINDERELLA Oh, Buttons. Thank you so much for all of your help. I’m finished now, too. BUTTONS I’m sorry we didn’t finish early enough for you to go to the ball. I promise I’ll make it up to you. You know my motto? CINDERELLA Where there’s a will there’s a way? BUTTONS No, silly! Always keep your promises.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 36.
CINDERELLA Oh, it’s okay, Buttons. It wasn’t meant to be. Besides, I’m not really a big fan of crowds and things. And I wouldn’t have had anything to wear! It would have been nice to meet that mystery man again though. (She gazes off, dreamily.) BUTTONS Maybe you’ll see him again another time.
CINDERELLA Maybe. There is a flash of light and Fairy appears.
FAIRY Da da! CINDERELLA Wow!
BUTTONS Blimey! Who are you? FAIRY Fear not Cinderella, the time is no worry! Your Fairy Godmother is here to get you dressed in a hurry. Let me wave my magic wand and conjour up a treat. We’ll make you a carriage and a dress, don’t admin defeat! BUTTONS That’s a lot of rhyming.
CINDERELLA Gosh, it must be so difficult always talking like that. FAIRY You’re not wrong there, and my back you should pat. Because, try I must to speak always in rhyme, that’s tradition, you see, in a Pantomime. CINDERELLA It seems a bit silly to me.
FAIRY Do you want me to cast this spell or not? CINDERELLA Sorry, yes, yes please! Do go on. FAIRY My rhythmn is broken, oh no let’s get back, let me see, now to get on track... That’s much better, now I’ll need your assistance, we need a cow and a pumpkin, then you’ll go the distance.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 37.
Buttons rushes around frantically, as Cinderella picks up a Pumpkin and hands it to Fairy. Buttons points is finger in an ’a-ha!’ moment and runs off stage. He runs back on with a chorus member dressed as a cow. FAIRY Fetch me some rags, they too are important. Step to, Buttons! Need I be more blunt?
Buttons rushes to collect the blanket that Cinderella was sewing. Abracadabra and try as we might, let’s get our Cinders to the ball tonight! Fairy waves her wand and as smoke builds and lights flash, the cow turns into a footman (another chorus member), the pumpkin turns into a carriage and the blanket turns into a gown. Oh blimey, I’ve done it. Now cry out with glee! To the ball, you will go. Footman, follow me! You’ll sing and you’ll dance and fall madly in love, but at midnight be back, else those clothes will fall off! Cinderella looks down in disbelief. She begins to panic.
CINDERELLA I can’t... I can’t do this. BUTTONS What do you mean? You look... beautiful.
Buttons stands in awe. CINDERELLA But, who am I going to dance with? I won’t know anybody. They’ll think I’m a fool!
BUTTONS Of course they won’t! FAIRY Leave us now, Buttons. She and I need to chat. Come on my dear, now don’t be like that.
Buttons runs offstage, while Fairy puts her arm around Cinderella. She points to the sound desk. Hit it! Song: Holding Out for a Hero (By Fairy) 38.
ACT II
10 Scene 1: The Prince’s Castle 10 The ball has begun. The room is empty. Announcer is chatting to the band as Prince Charming and Dandini enter. DANDINI Don’t worry mate, I’m sure there will be plenty of suitable young ladies along shortly.
A tumbleweed passes. They’re only two hours late... Fashionable isn’t it. All the ladies are doing it! PRINCE This is mortifying! I’m the Prince, for Goodness sake! Where is everyone? DANDINI Did we put 7pm on the invitations, or was it 7am...? PRINCE You have GOT to be joking. The announcer comes over. ANNOUNCER You’re still paying me if no one shows up, right?
DANDINI How dare you! The guests will be along imminently. Get to your podium.
Announcer goes over to the microphone. The Prince looks dejected. PRINCE I don’t even care that the room is empty. The amount of people that show up doesn’t mean a thing. You promised me she’d be here! DANDINI She’ll be here. Don’t worry. Dandini rushes and exits. He rushes back in.
DANDINI Erm... PRINCE What is it now?
DANDINI You know how you told me to make sure no one gets in uninvited?
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 39.
PRINCE Yes... DANDINI Well, I thought about hiring a bouncer, but that’s so cliche... PRINCE Right. So what DID you do?
DANDINI Well, I was trying to be frugal, you see. PRINCE Okay...
DANDINI So I just locked the gates. PRINCE You locked the gates!?
DANDINI Turns out the guests can’t get in either. PRINCE You idiot! I bet she’s given up and gone home!
DANDINI Sorry... PRINCE Is there anyone out there at all?
DANDINI Well, there is... PRINCE But...?
DANDINI Well I think they might be at the wrong venue... PRINCE And why is that?
DANDINI Well, they’re all singing ’Purple Rain’. PRINCE Wrong, Prince. Typical.
DANDINI What are we going to do?
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 40.
PRINCE Oh, just let them in anyway! It’s better to have a room full of angry people, than a room full of no one. And I don’t like to brag, but I do a fairly impressive rendition of ’When Doves Cry’. DANDINI Right you are! Dandini rushes to let the guests in. He rushes back in. Hit it, maestro! The band begin to play Prince’s 1999. ANNOUNCER Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls. Welcome to the event of the century! I hope you’re ready to party like it’s ’1999’! PRINCE Oh not you as well!
Baroness and the Ugly Sisters enter. The sisters rush over and curtsy to the Prince. Pushing and shoving each other to be the one to stand in front.
ANNOUNCER Your majesty, please welcome Lady Bonjela and Lady Tixylix. DANDINI (Whispering to Prince Charming) Typical. Of course THEY manage to get here! The Prince has a forced smile on his face, as he bows to greet them.
BONJELA Oh, your majesty. ’I wanna be your lover’ TIXYLIX I just want your extra time, and your... ’Kiss’
DANDINI Okay, okay. Move along... (to announcer) Next! The Baroness curtsies.
BARONESS Candida.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 41.
PRINCE Charmed. BONJELA Oh! Ha ha ha! Get it? TIXYLIX Charming? Charmed? Ha ha ha! Prince Charming smiles obligatorily.
BARONESS I hope you don’t mind I’m on a double yellow outside. Wasn’t sure where to park my new ’Little Red Corvette’.
Prince Charming shakes his head. I’m sure we’ll be getting better acquainted soon. I know it’s wrong to have favourites, but I’m sure you’ll agree Bonjela is ’The Most Beautiful Girl in the World’.
DANDINI Now, she is ’Delirious’. Baroness goes to join her daughters at the bar.
PRINCE Well this has started really well... DANDINI Oh, come on. At least you know it can only get better!
The Prince and Dandini await the next ladies to enter. As they come in the announcer speaks their names (TBC once we know how many dames we have etc). Each person to enter is a male dressed in drag. They all curtsy and bow to the Prince. Dandini and Prince Charming grow increasingly disappointed. Young boy dressed as a girl enters. Dandini rushes over.
DANDINI Now, stop right there. That’s quite far enough. PRINCE Where is your ID, Miss?
BOY IN DRAG I’ve left it at home. DANDINI Leave this to me. (He begins to sing) (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 42.
DANDINI (cont’d) Iiiiiin West Philadelphia... The child looks at Dandini, confused. He turns around to Prince Charming. She’s too young for you, bro. (He points to the exit) Out! The child turns to the audience and shrugs.
ANNOUNCER Right, I think that’s quite enough introduction. Let’s dance! The music starts and everyone begins to dance. Cinderella sneaks in between all of the dames. At a set point in the song, she and Prince Charming bump into each other back to back, centre stage. They turn around slowly and the music stops. Everyone freezes. PRINCE It’s... it’s you... You came! CINDERELLA Of course, I came. PRINCE You look phenomenal. CINDERELLA And you look... like royalty? PRINCE I believe we need to be re-introduced. My sincere apologies. You see, I was fed up of being me.
He bows and outstretches his arm. Prince Charming. She gasps, with doe eyes.
CINDERELLA Don’t worry. I know how it feels to want to be somebody else. PRINCE Would you like to dance?
CINDERELLA I’d love to! They start to dance together in the centre of the stage under a spotlight while everyone around them remains frozen.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 43.
They lean in to kiss one another, when the clock strikes for midnight. Cinderella pulls away. CINDERELLA I’m... I’m sorry! She rushes offstage, leaving a glass slipper behind. She exits. The Prince picks up the shoe, as the party begins again around him. DANDINI What’s up, sire? The Prince gestures to the shoe. Charming! How many times have I told you, you’ve got to get to know a girl before they start taking their clothes off! PRINCE Dandini! Gather the guards at once.
DANDINI Whatever for? The party’s a hit! PRINCE We must search the land for the woman who fits this slipper immediately. She will be my bride! Dandini takes the shoe. DANDINI Size 5!? Do you KNOW how many women are a size 5? PRINCE Just go with it Dandini, it’s a fairy tale! Dandini shrugs.
Song: Against All Odds (By Prince Charming, Dandini and Chorus) During the song there are a lot of comical power dance moves and air grabs, while the chorus wave lighters. 11 Scene 2: The Woods 11 Captain and guards enter. Cinderella runs across the stage dressed in rags, panicked. She exits. Prince Charming and Dandini run behind. Prince Charming stops suddenly and Dandini runs into him, falling on the floor.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 44.
PRINCE She can’t have got far. Dandini sits up.
DANDINI Maybe we could ask someone? PRINCE This is no time for resting, Dandini! Get up at once!
DANDINI But, I... PRINCE Maybe these guys could help. They look professional. Have you seen a girl run through here? GUARDS Yes, Sir! PRINCE Which way did she go? GUARDS That way, Sir!
All the guards point in alternate directions. PRINCE Who’s in charge here? CAPTAIN I am, Sir. PRINCE And which way did she go? CAPTAIN I didn’t see her, Sir. My guards here can help you. PRINCE Your guards are useless! Who do you work for anyway? CAPTAIN AND GUARDS You, Sir. PRINCE Typical. (To audience) Did you see where she went, boys and girls?
AUDIENCE(HOPEFULLY!) That way! (Audience point in direction Cinderella left.)
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 45.
PRINCE That way? (Prince Charming points in the opposite direction to where Cinderella ran.) AUDIENCE(HOPEFULLY!) No, that way! PRINCE Dandini, will you talk to these people. They’re not making any sense. Dandini gets up and dusts himself off. DANDINI Why don’t we ask someone from the village? PRINCE Like who? Buttons and Baron enter.
DANDINI Like them! PRINCE You there! Buttons looks around and points at himself. BUTTONS Me?
PRINCE Yes, both of you. BARON How can we help, your highness?
PRINCE We are looking for the most beautiful girl at the ball. She ran away. Dandini butts in.
DANDINI Right before he got lucky. Prince Charming pushes Dandini and he falls back onto the floor.
PRINCE What he means is, she ran away before I could tell her that she was my one true love! Have you seen her?
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 46.
BARON I haven’t. Have you, Buttons? BUTTONS I haven’t seen anyone. I’ve been up to my eyeballs in chores all night. Would you like us to help you look for her? PRINCE Oh, yes please!
BUTTONS Right, what’s her name? We might know her. PRINCE Well...
DANDINI He doesn’t know it. BUTTONS You love her and you don’t even know her name!?
PRINCE No... BARON Right, and what does she look like? Baron grabs a pen and paper from his pocket and starts jotting the description down frantically. PRINCE Well, her eyes are blue... BARON Okay, and... PRINCE Mesmerisingly blue... BARON Right, and what else? DANDINI He doesn’t know what she looks like. BUTTONS You love her and you don’t know what she looks like!? PRINCE Never mind all that! We need to find her. BUTTONS Yes, because you’ve given us SO much to go on...
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 47.
DANDINI Will you help him, or not? BARON I’ve had an idea! I could invent something to help us find her! BUTTONS Well since we don’t have 50 years to wait, perhaps we should get started without it...
BARON Hmmph. Very well. PRINCE So you will help me?
BUTTONS Who are we to stand in the way of true love? PRINCE Brilliant! Let’s go!
They start to march offstage in a line. Buttons leads. Buttons stops and they all bump into one another and fall on the floor. He turns around. BUTTONS This is no time for resting! PRINCE Why have you stopped? Continue immediately! BUTTONS I’ve just had a though, you see. It’s night time... and we’re in the woods... Known locally as ’the Haunted Woods’... and, well, what if there’s...
DANDINI GHOSTS! BUTTONS Exactly.
PRINCE Oh, please. There’s no such thing at ghosts. BUTTONS But Sir...
Buttons points towards a sign which is badly drawn and reads ’Haunted Forest’
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 48.
PRINCE That’s not a good sign! DANDINI I don’t like it! I don’t like it one bit, Sire! There could be anything out here! BARON I thought none of us had the right to stand in the way of true love. That includes ghosts, doesn’t it?
BUTTONS I suppose... BARON Onwards!
They march off in a line. Bonjela and Tixylix enter. They turn around to look at each other and shrug. They march behind the rest of the cast as they exit.
12 Scene 3: The Woods 12 Buttons, Pince Charming, Dandini, Guards, Captain, Baron and the Ugly Sisters all march on stage, followed by a ghost.
BUTTONS Are we sure we’re going the right way? PRINCE Just keep marching! Step to!
Scene where the members of the search party are scared off one by one. The ghost is then left between the Ugly Sisters. The ghost looks from one to the other, grasps his face in his hands and screams, running away.
13 Scene 4: Kitchen 13 Cinderella is sweeping the floor. The music begins.
Song: I’ve Never Been In Love Before (Reprise) (By Cinderella) The Ugly Sisters enter in pyjamas and sit at the table.
Cinderella rushes towards them with their breakfast, grinning.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 49.
CINDERELLA Morning, my dearest stepsisters! Breakfast? BONJELA What’s got into her?
TIXYLIX No idea. I think she’s gone mad. CINDERELLA Mad? Oh no. I just had a wonderful night is all.
BONJELA Cleaning? Sounds really wonderful. TIXYLIX At least someone had a wonderful night. We didn’t. CINDERELLA Oh no! Why ever not? BONJELA The Prince didn’t even look at us. Some little bit of nothing stole all of his attention! CINDERELLA Really!?
Baroness rushes in half dressed, wig askew. BARONESS Daughters, quick! Hurry! TIXYLIX What is it mother? BONJELA Can’t you see we’re eating? TIXYLIX Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, don’t you know! BARONESS The Prince’s messenger is on his way here RIGHT NOW! You must get dressed. Quickly!
BONJELA He’s coming here? TIXYLIX You see, I told you her fancied us! BARONESS He’s determined to find the girl he met last night. That scrawny little thing. She dropped her shoe and now they’re going from house to house trying it on every foot until it fits!
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 50.
Cinderella is listening intently and trying to contain her excitement. The Ugly Sisters rush offstage.
CINDERELLA Really? BARONESS Really! Not that it matters to you! Come on girls, hurry! Let’s get those feet bound up. Tiny little hooves the girl had. I’ll make you Princesses if it’s the last thing I do! CINDERELLA What about me?
BARONESS You!? Hmm... I think... I think I might have left something important in the cellar. Perhaps you can fetch it and give it to the Prince. You’d like to meet him wouldn’t you?
CINDERELLA Oh, yes! BARONESS Chop, chop then!
The Baroness watches with an evil look as Cinderella heads towards the cellar door. Cinderella turns around, quizzical, and Baroness smiles sweetly. Come along, dear. He’ll be here any moment. You don’t want to miss your chance do you? CINDERELLA No. (To the audience) Do you think I ought to go? What if it’s a trap? BARONESS My dear, Cinderella. Don’t you think I’d be just as delighted if the Prince chose you as one of my own girls?
CINDERELLA No... BARONESS Oh, my dear. Of course I would. Now run along, this is your chance! CINDERELLA Okay...
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 51.
Cinderella exits and the Baroness follows her. A door slam can be heard, as well as a key turning in a lock.
Cinderella screams as Baroness comes back on stage rubbing her hands together. BONJELA AND TIXYLIX Mummy! There’s someone at the door!
BARONESS Coming darlings! She rushes off towards the exit the Ugly Sisters used.
14 Scene 5: Cinderella’s House (Outside) 14 Dandini knocks on the door holding a clipboard, while the Prince stands behind him.
PRINCE They’re not in, come on. We’ve got hundreds of houses left to try. DANDINI Give it a minute! We must leave no stone unturned, as they say. The door opens and the Baroness comes outside. BARONESS Welcome, your majesty.
Dandini clears his throat. DANDINI By Royal proclamation, or stupidity, the Prince has vowed to marry whomever fits this slipper. We request the presence of all the young ladies of the household at once. BARONESS Yes, my lord. Bonjela! Tixylix! The Prince wants you, darlings! BONJELA AND TIXYLIX(OFFSTAGE) Coming Mummy! BARONESS They’ll be right down. DANDINI Just two here, is that right?
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 52.
BARONESS Yes, Sir. Dandini scribbles on the clipboard. Bonjela and Tixylix make a dramatic entrance, dressed in ballgowns. They curtsy, as the Prince smiles, obliged. Bonjela sits down and tries the slipper on her foot.(This is a prosthetic leg) BONJELA You, see! Your majesty, it is I! PRINCE Are you sure, Dandini? She doesn’t look much like the girl I danced with last night. DANDINI I thought you didn’t know what she looked like, Sire.
PRINCE Very well. Bonjela jumps with joy, at which point the wooden leg falls to the ground with the slipper on. She gasps and runs offstage crying. Baroness shouts after her. BARONESS Stupid girl! I told you to cut your toes off!
Baroness turns towards the Prince and smiles sweetly. Dandini makes an exaggerated cross movement on the clipboard.
DANDINI Next! TIXYLIX My turn!
Tixylix barges forwards and plonks herself on the chair. The slipper doesn’t fit. It will fit! I just have a few extra layers on, that’s all... Dandini shakes his head and begins to put pen to paper. Help me then! Dandini jumps and pulls at Tixylix’s stockings. They unravel to reveal metres of colourful fabric.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 53.
The scene freezes and Fairy enters. FAIRY Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, I’m beginning to fill with fear. For this will never do, and dear Cinders is in a stew. Boys and girls, we need your help. Shout to the heavens, scream and yelp! Give Prince Charming here a clue, you know just what to do. When Buttons appears asking for Cindrella, I need you to shout "She’s in the Cellar!" Let’s practice, here we go. Now let the rhytmn flow.
BUTTONS (OFFSTAGE) Where’s dear old Cinderella? AUDIENCE She’s in the cellar! FAIRY That’s perfect, now I’ll unfreeze time, and everything will be just fine.
Fairy waves her magic wand and time unfreezes as she exits in a puff of smoke. The rest of the characters cough and waft the smoke away.
DANDINI Where did that come from? TIXYLIX Might have been that leftover curry again.
She rubs her belly. Buttons enters. DANDINI That’s it! I think we’ve seen enough!
TIXYLIX But I haven’t even tried it on yet! PRINCE That’s quite alright...
DANDINI And there’s definitely no other ladies in the house? BARONESS Definitely. PRINCE Very well, come along Dandini. Onto the next one! The Prince and Dandini begin to leave.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 54.
BUTTONS What about Cinderella? Boys and girls, where’s Cinderella?
AUDIENCE She’s in the cellar! The Prince perks up. PRINCE So there is another girl here! DANDINI Where is she? BUTTONS(AND AUDIENCE) She’s in the cellar! PRINCE And where is the key? BARONESS You’ll never get it from me! The Baroness cackles evilly and slams the door. PRINCE What are we going to do? DANDINI Dude, she’s locked in a cellar. She probably wasn’t at the ball anyway.
BUTTONS She most certainly was! DANDINI She was?
PRINCE Could it be...? BUTTONS We need to get into the cellar!
DANDINI But how? PRINCE I’ve got an idea!
The Prince knocks on the door. The Baroness answers.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 55.
BARONESS Not you again... She goes to shut the door, but Prince Charming holds it open. PRINCE My dear... BARONESS What? PRINCE Well, I realised... BARONESS What? PRINCE You’ve yet to try on the slipper! BARONESS Me? (She looks disgusted, and then realises she could be a Princess and lights up.) Yes me! Hand it here!
She snatches the slipper from Dandini. As she sits down on the chair, Buttons steals the key from her pockets and sneaks into the house. DANDINI Well? BARONESS Well, what? DANDINI Does it fit? BARONESS Give me a minute! The Baroness is trying to force her foot into the shoe, as Buttons reappears with Cinderella. Dandini, Buttons and the Prince cheer, encouraging the audience to do the same. The Baroness looks confused and turns around to see Cinderella. She throws the slipper in rage and it shatters over the floor. That’s it! Now you’ll never know! She begins to cackle once more.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 56.
CINDERELLA Not exactly! PRINCE What are we to do? CINDERELLA Would it help if... (Cinderella produces the other slipper from behind her back) I have the other slipper! Everyone gasps and cheers. The Prince rushes towards her and gives her a big hug. He pulls away and holds her hands.
PRINCE I knew it was you! Come, we shall run back to the palace and be married immediately. He rushes offstage, dragging Cinderella behind her. DANDINI I guess that’s that then.
15 Scene 6: Church (Outside) 15 Baron enters holding a parcel. BARON If only I could invent a way to transport this 18 piece dinner service without me actually having to go anywhere... I could call it... teleportation. Dandini enters. Ah, just the man! Do you know how much it would be to send this parcel by sea?
Dandini takes the parcel and weighs it in his hands. DANDINI Oh, I wouldn’t send it by sea!
BARON Why not? DANDINI Well it’s not very safe, is it? You know what these sailor types are like. They’ll probably throw the parcel into the hold... (He throws the parcel in the air to demonstrate.) And then the man in the hold will probably drop it. (He drops the parcel to demonstrate.) (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 57.
DANDINI (cont’d) We wouldn’t want that. It sounds fragile. What’s in it?
Baron shakes the parcel and it rattles. BARON A 36 piece dinner service! DANDINI Oh... Dandini starts to march offstage. Sorry I can’t help you! Buttons enters as Dandini exits. He almost knocks him over. BARON Ah, just the man! Do you know how much it would be to send this parcel by air?
Buttons takes the parcel and weighs it in his hands. BUTTONS Oh, I wouldn’t send it by air!
BARON Why not? BUTTONS Well, it’s not very safe, is it? You know what these airline types are like. They’ll probably throw the parcel into the hold... (He throws the parcel into the air to demonstrate.) And then the man in the hold will probably drop it. (He drops the parcel to demonstrate.) We wouldn’t want that. It sounds fragile. What’s in it? Baron shakes the parcel and it rattles. BARON A 72 piece dinner service! BUTTONS Oh...
Buttons starts to march offstage. Sorry I can’t help you! Buttons exits as Dandini marches back in. Baron has his back to him.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 58.
BARON Ah, just the man! Do you know how much is would be to send this parcel by... (He turns around, jumps as he sees Dandini and drops the parcel.) Never mind. DANDINI Sir, I’ve been thinking about your parcel. What was in it again?
Baron shakes the parcel and it rattles. BARON A 144 piece dinner service!
DANDINI Right. And where is it going? BARON To the church of course!
DANDINI That church? Dandini points to the church. BARON Yes, of course that church. Do you know of any other church in this village? DANDINI No, Sir...
Dandini begins to exit. I’ve had a thought. He rushes back in. Why don’t you deliver it by hand?
BARON By hand! Of course! Here you are then! Hop to. It’s a present for the Prince on his wedding day. Dandini takes the parcel and exits.
Bourne and Bread enter from the back of the hall, walking through the audience. BOURNE Right Mr Bread, we’ve got him this time. I’ve got a plan! BREAD Shhh! He’ll hear you.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 59.
BOURNE I’ve worked out what you’ve been doing wrong all these years!
BREAD Excellent Mr Bourne! BOURNE Right...
BREAD Wait a minute! What I’ve been doing wrong? What do you mean what I’ve been doing wrong? BOURNE Well...
BREAD All I’ve been doing wrong is listening to you! BOURNE Shhhh! Stop arguing for once in your life! He’ll hear you. BREAD What’s this big plan then?
BOURNE Well, you see Bread. The answer lies in reality TV... BREAD So basically you’ve been binge watching ’Can’t Pay We’ll Take It Away’ again?
BOURNE Exactly! Now what you need to do is... Bourne whispers into Bread’s ear and then runs offstage.
BREAD Typical! Bread marches towards Baron, who sees him and scarpers offstage. Bread runs after him waving a summons in the air. 16 Scene 7: Church Lobby 16 Cinderella enters wearing an unfastened wedding dress.
She sits with her head in her hands. Buttons enters.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 60.
BUTTONS How’s the blushing bri...? Cinders? What ever is the matter? CINDERELLA I can’t do it. I just can’t do it! BUTTONS But I thought you were all loved up. Happy at last, you said.
CINDERELLA It’s not that! Of course I love my Charming. He’s... well, he’s charming! No. It’s that useless father of mine!
BUTTONS Oh, what’s he done now? Surely he couldn’t ruin his own daughter’s wedding day? CINDERELLA That’s just it! All I asked of him was to show up and give me away. Is that so difficult? BUTTONS No, of course not. You just... CINDERELLA But no, not my father! He should have been here an hour ago and he’s nowhere to be seen! BUTTONS Oh no!
CINDERELLA Why did I ever think I deserved a happy ending? I can’t face it. Going down the aisle with no one to give me away! I can’t think of anything more embarassing. I mean, in front of the King... The Queen... Bonjela and Tixylix! Oh Buttons, what am I going to do? They’ve even made the Prince’s sister Charmaine turn off her x-box and wear a dress! And here I am, with no one to give me away. It’s bad enough I don’t have any bridesmaids!
BUTTONS But Cinders... Is that all? Someone to give you away? I could have told you your father wouldn’t show up. You know my motto... CINDERELLA Always keep your promises? Bit late for that! BUTTONS No, silly! Always have a Plan B! I’m sure you could find someone who cares about you who could give you away...
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 61.
CINDERELLA Buttons! That’s it! But who could I ask? BUTTONS Well... Umm... I’m sure you could think of someone... Someone not too far away... CINDERELLA But Dandini’s no good. He’s the best man!
BUTTONS Come on boys and girls, help me out here! CINDERELLA Who could I ask?
AUDIENCE(HOPEFULLY!) Buttons! CINDERELLA Buttons? Of course! Buttons! Do you know anyone who could give me away?
Buttons shakes his head dramatically and puts his head in his hands. Guess that’s a no. Who else, boys and girls? Who should I ask?
AUDIENCE(HOPEFULLY!) Buttons! CINDERELLA Oh! Buttons! Why didn’t you say so before? Buttons, will you give me away? BUTTONS I thought you’d never ask! Cinderella and Buttons hug. Oh, gosh! Cinders, look at the time! No use sitting around chatting. We need to get our glad rags on! They exit. 17 Scene 8: Church Altar 17
Prince Charming and Dandini enter. All cast are seated for the ceremony. DANDINI Here you go, your highness! Ready for the big day?
PRINCE Ready as I’ll ever be. And what have I told you about calling me ’your highness’?
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 62.
DANDINI Well, you’re a married man now, Sire. Don’t want people to get the wrong idea!
PRINCE Oh, very funny. One more thing... DANDINI Don’t worry, your highness! I’ve got the ring, the carriage is parked just round the corner and I’ve put all the traffic wardens in the dungeons for the day, so no tickets for us. PRINCE Fantastic! I had every faith in you... but that’s not it...
DANDINI Oh? PRINCE It’s my sister.
Dandini raises his eyebrows and winks. DANDINI Oh!
PRINCE Dandini! Don’t be a creep! I need you to make sure you’ll look after her, you know, at the reception. DANDINI Oh, I’ll look after her... PRINCE Dandini! DANDINI Joking! (He puts his hands in the air to feign innocence.) You’ve always told me to keep away from her though. In fact, I distinctly recall you saying that the next time I spoke to her you’d dangle me upside down in a vat of boiling... PRINCE Yes, yes, well people change. I don’t mean it like that anyway. No chatting her up! This is strictly business. She’s always on her own and I don’t want any misery at my wedding! DANDINI Speak of the devil... Princess Charmaine enters. (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 63.
DANDINI (cont’d) Well, hello there Princess. You look... PRINCE Dandini!
CHARMAINE Look, you can cut that straight out. Girls that look like this, don’t talk to guys who look like you. Right Charming, this had better be a good wedding! I’m in a dress, for goodness sake. There had better be some eye candy here. The Bridal March begins to play. DANDINI Right everyone, places! CHARMAINE Phwoar! Who’s that with the bride? He’s gorgeous! Buttons and Cinderella enter as Charmaine takes her seat. OFFICIATOR We are gathered here today... Blah, blah, blah. You may now kiss the bride!
Buttons, Dandini, Prince Charming and Cinderella all look at each other, confused. Prince Charming and Cinderella shrug, and lean in for a kiss.
Music starts to play and the Ugly Sisters barge Cinderella and Charming out of the way, so they are centre stage. Song: All The Single Ladies (Should Have Put A Shoe On It) (By Ugly Sisters)
Part way through the song: CHARMAINE Yeah, but what about Professor Brian Cox?
BUTTONS Hah! Him? I’m waaaay cleverer. CHARMAINE Really?
BUTTONS Yeah of course! He’s okay... But he thinks he’s so good, when really all he’s doing is chatting on the telly. I could do that... You know... As soon as they invent the thing...
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 64.
CHARMAINE Oh my word! You’re incredible! The song continues and concludes.
The cast break off into groups, chatting and drinking. Fairy enters.
FAIRY And so our tale here must conclude. To go on further would just be rude! The magic has worked, and more beside, as wedding bells sound for at least one more bride. And now there is time for one more thing...
Screeching, hooting and Engine Revving is heard. What the...!? Baron enters. Do you mind!? We’re trying to have a happy ending here!
BARON Ah yes, about that... (He looks around.) Nice wedding! Like a good wedding, me. (He begins to daydream, then shakes out of it.) Sorry, where was I? Ah, yes... Spot of bother with the old house, I’m afraid. Turns out debt collectors can run rather fast, actually. Shame really. Candida, sorry to break it to you like this darling, but they’ve taken everything. The house is gone. All boarded up. Can’t say I’m overly bothered about that one, terribly draughty it was. CINDERELLA Father, are you okay?
BARON Oh, I’m fine! More than fine in fact. They may take my house, my wardrobe and my Lilliput Lane figures, but they’ll never take my camper van! Always wanted to see the world, you know. Now’s my chance! I’m sure you’ll be fine. Oh, who am I kidding? You’re a Princess now, of course you’re fine. Look after Candida and the twins won’t you? Ta ta! Baron exits.
The Baroness and ugly sisters come towards centre stage, horrified. BARONESS But...
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 65.
BONJELA But Mummy! TIXYLIX Where will we live? BONJELA Who will buy our clothes? TIXYLIX And pay for our hair and makeup? BARONESS I don’t believe it. You can’t make us homeless! I won’t have it!
BONJELA Mummy, do something! BARONESS I... I...
CINDERELLA Oh, don’t worry stepmother, dearest. I’m sure we can always find a place for you at the palace. Isn’t that right, Buttons?
Baroness and the Ugly Sisters’ faces light up. BUTTONS Absolutely, Cinders! Of course there’s a place for you.
TIXYLIX Oh, thank goodness! BONJELA I knew we belonged in a Palace! Didn’t I say so, Mummy?
BARONESS When do we move in? Buttons produces three pairs of rubber gloves from his pocket and passes them over.
BUTTONS Right away, if you don’t mind. You’d better get a move on! You’ve got a wedding to clear up after. Baroness, Tixylix and Bonjela scream and run offstage. FAIRY And so our story here must end at last, it’s been emotional, to say the least, for all the cast. Love has blossomed, friendships bloomed, and all here in (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 66.
FAIRY (cont’d) this tiny room. So off we go, let’s say goodnight. Our panto stars must take their flight. But remember won’t you, one and all, that true friendship bears out, above it all! So before you rush home to get on the Stella, please give a big cheer for Cinderella! The company pairs off: Buttons and Cinderella, Dandini and Charming etc.
Song: You’ve Got a Friend In Me (By Company) CURTAIN CALL: Company dancing to ’My Type’ by Saint Motel, and hyping up audience.