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STUDENT TICKETS = $19.90 Critic | Issue 22 | 3 Editor Sam McChesney
Deputy Editor Zane Pocock
SUB Editor Sarah MacIndoe 20 Technical Editor FEATURE Sam Clark 20 | The Great Debate: Designer Do Videogames Make Us Violent? Daniel Blackball The latest instalment of the controversial video game series Grand Theft Auto is to be released ad designer on 17 September. Critic’s Gaming Editor Baz Macdonald tackles the question of whether GTA and Nick Guthrie other video games are making us violent.
NEws Team Bella Macdonald, Jamie Breen, FEATUREs Jack Montgomerie, Josie Cochrane 24 | When Duty Calls: SECTION EDITORS A Noob’s Journey Charlotte Doyle, Lucy Hunter, How will Josie Adams, Critic’s resident gaming Rosie Howells, Kirsty Dunn, ignoramus, fare the cutthroat world of online Baz Macdonald, Basti Menkes, gaming? With a knowledgeable guide by her side, Raquel Moss, Tristan Keillor Critic pitched Josie headfirst into the world of online gaming, and thereby ruined her week. Contributors Anna Bradley-Smith, Guy McCallum, 28 | Monopoly: The Poor Man’s Jessica Bromell, Josie Adams, Arsenic Thomas Raethel, Phoebe Harrop, It’s right up there with Chess and Snakes & Ladders Tamarah Scott, M and G, Dr. Nick, in the canon of iconic board games. So why does Bryony Leeke, Callum Valentine, Monopoly suck so hard? Tristan Keillor delves into Campbell Ecklein 08 the game’s shady past. news 32 | The Mysterious World of 08 | Captain Cook Bronies Staggering Back to Life In recent years, a bizarre new subculture has sprung The Captain Cook Tavern will be open again up, based on fandom of the television series My within a year, according to a New Zealand Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. Its predominantly male, adult membership call themselves bronies. architectural firm. But what do we really know about this group?
news regular stuff ADvertising SALES 09 | Grinch Continues to Ruin planet media dunedin limited Letters | 06-07 News | 08-19 Tama Walker, Josh Hannagan, EXMSS Elaine Oldham, Tom Tremewan Features | 20-35 Culture | 36-53 10 | Execrable planetmedia.co.nz Critic is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association [email protected] (ASPA). Disclaimer: the views presented within this publication 13 | Students Learn to Appear Good do not necessarily represent the views of the Editor, Planet Media, or OUSA. Press Council: people with a complaint against and Fuck the World Discreetly a newspaper should first complain in writing to the Editor and P.O. Box 1436, Dunedin | (03) 479 then, if not satisfied with the response, complain to the Press 16 | Switched On Museum to 5335 [email protected] | critic.co.nz Council. Complaints should be addressed to the Secretary, PO Box 10-879 The Terrace, Wellington. Bring Prostitution, Gambling
4 | Issue 22 | Critic EDITORIAL Required equipment: >> One die (if you don’t have a die, you can use a random number generator online or down- load a dice app for your phone).
>> A piece for each player.
>> Large quantities of lemonade.
Rules:
>> Players can move in any direction, but can- not move in more than one direction on the same turn.
>> The winner is the player who has drunk the most lemonade when the game ends.
>> The game ends when one player has jumped over every other player. When this happens, he University has been waging a are less likely to get up in arms about the slow the player in question drinks 10 lemonades, long-standing war on alcohol con- death of Scarfie culture if they don’t feel as and the winner is decided. T sumption among students. In recent though the University is actively killing it. The years we’ve seen the death of the Cook, the odd slip aside (such as her comment that “in an >> A player jumps over another player when they Toga Parade, the Bowler, Gardies, the Undie 500, ideal world” people would study instead of going land on or move over a square containing the Two Beers, Backstage, the Cookathon, the Albert to the Hyde Street keg party), Aunty Harlene puts other player’s piece. Arms, and couch burning. Following revelations people at ease. In doing so, she is having a far that the Uni has been attempting to strong-arm great impact on student drinking culture than >> The game can be played either with a reward OUSA out of buying a stake in the Cook (see any previous Vice-Chancellor. system (e.g. landing on a square that reads “3 pages 8 and 10 this week) – a bar that the Uni has lemonades” means you are allowed to drink publicly declared it would like to remain open – Of course, what is meant by “Scarfie culture” three lemonades) or an allocation system (“3 it’s worth revisiting this admittedly tired debate. should be up for debate, and simply equating lemonades” means you tell another player to the culture with alcohol is damaging and nar- drink three of their lemonades). In 2009 the University Council banned all alcohol row-minded. But just as many students need advertising from campus. The memorandum to learn moderation in their drinking, so should >> Each player picks a “home” square from one circulated to the members of the Council by the Uni learn that young people need balance in of the four corners of the board (Knox, Queen’s then-Vice-Chancellor David Skegg before the their lives and a range of experiences, including Gardens, High Street and Aquinas). Multiple ban was voted on was a spectacularly patron- occasional, unbridled hedonism. By all means, players can choose the same home square. ising and hyperbolic piece of propaganda, which make it safe and supervised – but shutting down nonetheless had the desired effect. Skegg also our pubs is the wrong approach entirely. >> Players choose a “rule” for their home square. oversaw the introduction of Campus Watch and This can take the form of, for instance, a chal- the Code of Conduct, both of which have made A side note: for some reason, the Dunedin Craft lenge or an action that a player must perform campus immeasurably safer at night but also Beer and Food Festival has slipped through (e.g. drinking some lemonade, or removing an come armed with petty anti-alcohol powers. the alcohol advertising ban. Just goes to show item of clothing). that the Uni’s okay with piss so long as it’s Skegg’s ham-fisted approach definitely rubbed suitably gentrified. >> Whenever one player jumps over another, the students up the wrong way. We have a new Vice- latter is sent back to the former’s home square. Chancellor now in Harlene Hayne. Hayne is far On a completely unrelated topic, we’re excited When you are sent to another player’s home more flexible than Skegg, far more willing to to introduce the Critic board game to help warm square, you must abide by the rule that they engage with students and OUSA, and far savvier. up your flat! The board can be found on the front have chosen. If you refuse to do so, you must If Skegg was the haughty patriarch, Hayne is the and back covers of this issue. The game is de- give away some of your lemonade. smiling assassin. signed for at least four people, and rounds are expected to last 15-30 minutes. Please feel free >> Players stay in the game after they have been This is nothing personal against Hayne – she’s to be creative with the rules, and tweak them jumped. They simply move out from their op- actually lovely – but she is playing the long as you see fit! ponent’s home square in the normal manner. game here, and she’s very good at it. Students
Critic | Issue 22 | 5 NLEETTERSWS [email protected]
Critic’s tower is made from the Seems a bit dodgy. finest ivory Also $1,500? Dear Sir, I am among the hundreds (HAHAHA yeah In your Editorial you denied knowledge of right) who read the list of the clubs and people the Rape Culture when I gave an article on the who got grants. subject, on paper, recently, and in the spirit of I’m pretty sure the highest number on there inquiry you might like to read it. was 1000. Letter of the week Also re the Bowler you claimed ignorance Just seems a bit unfair to all the clubs who and bemoaned the lack of institutional knowl- had to apply and fundraise through the grants edge owing to the ‘shove them through’ policys process. The letter of the week wins a $25 book of the modern age. This is probably along the lines of what Ruby voucher from the University Book Shop. Complaining about knowledge walls is one and Kamil said. thing. The first step of scaling them is dialogue with strangers, and art none of your staff or you -Lot$ of $en$e Cassio would be proud seem capable of, and one which will be essential Dear Romeo and Juliet. when you move into the wider world. This lack Kia ora, After a lengthy walk home from of openness to real world communication is Just thought I’d clear up a few points about town, I finally reached my humble abode. symptomatic of a wider problem ie age segre- the emergency grant that was awarded to the On my front porch was the place at which gation, the ingrowing bunching of peer groups Fire and Circus Club. my life changed forever. and the great wall of Google between you and 1- The reason the grant was applied for was On my front porch, for all the world your fellow citizens. that after the arrangements were all made for to see, I witnessed a random bloke Your political education has made you the trip there was an unexpected change made (Romeo) playing hide and seek up a girls cautious but journalism is not about denial, it’s to our bookings by the ferry company, which (Juliet) skirt. about inquiry. I am happy the literary standard would have made the trip impossible. In shock of the experience I stood has improved and pissed I’m disenfranchised 2- The costs for the trip initially were en- dumfounded, with the two lovers in be- because my eyes will suffer and die if I sepnd tirely covered by the club and those going on tween me and my refuge. Ten seconds any length of time with all those little icons on the trip without requiring an OUSA grant. The rolled by before Juliet noticed and her computers, so if there is anything you need to late changes however, occurred after the last gasp flushed Romeo out from his hiding know about student culture in the last 35 years grants round had already been decided and the place, the look on Romeo’s face implied call me in and I am happy to help. next round was too late. they were doing something more than 3-The grant still has to be retroactively just hide and seek. Yours faithfully, applied for and any money not awarded in the After a rushed explanation the star Sue Heap. next grant must be paid back by the club. crossed lovers the rushed inside to chat to 4- I am not personally travelling with the a mutual friend, ending what was surely Hi Sue, club until the very last part of the trip down. I am a fishy situation. In my editorial last week I did not deny flying and paying my own way due to my own I would like to give you my congrat- knowledge of rape culture. Rather, I pointed out time commitments, meaning I am not person- ulations, you take the prize for WORST that one can complete a politics degree at Otago ally benefiting from the grant except from them place to fool around. without ever being introduced to the concept of taking some of my gear. Next time, do the decent thing use rape culture, and suggested that this reflects a 5- I abstained from voting on the issue. the Monkey Bar toilets. wider problem with the way that the humanities are taught. As for myself, I have some under- Regards, Yours truthfully, standing of rape culture, but what understanding Keir Russell Post-Graduate Officer Shakespeare. I have did not come from my studies. Spam of the Week Yours sincerely, Dear: Sam McChesney I know your information from Internet. You read them, you be the judge We offer neckties,bow ties, pocket squares, Dear Critic, Fiery debate scarves,suspenders,fabric,suit from Lsilk cloth- How in the honest fuck does a complaint I don’t understand how Keir Russell managed ing co.,ltd in china. letter about student health sent to the wrong to get that $1,500 for his Fire event. High quality and services are our superiority. mailbox qualify as a “Letter of the week” ? Were Firstly, wouldn’t it be a conflict of interest Hope to cooperate with you.thanks the other letters really that stiff and boring? for an executive member to ask the executive for a grant? Best Regards Cheers Isn’t he there to represent the views of us Hebby He XSmithe postgraduate students? Sales Manager
6 | Issue 22 | Critic [email protected] LETTERSNEWS
They’re called Bonito Flakes ;) Rad small non-dancy energy Gotta be in to win? Make a move CRITIC! lol are you at critic still? I miss when you were Alright critic, I need some advice, can you start a I read your BYO review last week. Nom. refuels bitch :( lol. twas fun! japandroids were column or something for this shit because I am Those little cute wavy things they put on top of totally rad uuuhhmmm small crowd, not very in some serious help. I’ve been playing the tinder the octopus balls at Yuki are fucking awesome! dancy though but they guys were really awe- game, but I’ve run out of hot boys. I’ve had lots They just sit there moving! HOW THEY DO THAT! some and had huge energy the whole time. they of matches but I don’t want to chat them first, had heaps of amps too, totes rockstarry. that’s too needy. And only the creepy ugly ones Anyways, lovelovelove are talking to me. I’m too shy to talk to anyone cool. archine in real life. Please help, I thought that tinder was J-box a way to get a cheeky bang. I’m keen for a fuck Inside job? but a girls gotta have standards Harsh dear critic, plz have more pictures of cats and THE SHIELD THE SHIELD THE SHIELD THE SHIELD coverage of male hair fashions. love cattychin THE SHIELD THE SHIELD THE SHIELD THE SHIELD THE SHIELD THE SHIELD THE SHIELD THE SHIELD Dear ‘cattychin’ NOTICES THE SHIELD THE SHIELD THE SHIELD THE SHIELD THE SHIELD. What a lol. This letter courtesy of the 90% of people who couldn’t give a fuck about sport. Young Greens Otago Magic 8 balls & devil worshipping Young Greens Otago present Metiria Late Crate Debate Suffocates After Eight Great Ponytails. Turei at Otago University on Monday 9th wtf? Speight’s-Fuelled Dates With Mates. It’s Fate, September, 11:30pm in the Main Common Says Kate. Room as part of the celebrating 120 years How the fuck do you guys come up with of suffrage (women getting the vote) tour. this stuff? She will speak about the importance of 4.5/5 stars. being active in our communities, of finding your voice on the things you care about, See pretty much all of our news and about the barriers that she overcame this week Enjoy because she wanted to have her voice heard Yo, wtf do the exec even do? for equity and those most vulnerable in Ever since you’ve stopped reporting in on OUSA Farewells Hotties our society. their meetings (don’t blame you, sounded pretty I just wanted to say that I think it’s great that We welcome all to attend. boring) I have no idea what they do. something is being done about negative rela- As the elections for these positions are all tionships and the impact that they have on us. coming up could you do a piece that covers what I love the hottie idea and I’m excited to share each role of the exec actually do BEFORE nom- my story and hopefully others feel the same. inations open so anyone interested in running I’ve been victimised and bullied. And now it’s OUSA Referendum for exec actually knows what position would time to stand up. OUSA Referendum being held suit them? The constitution has sweet fuck all Tanya Braythell 30 September 2013 – 3 October 2013 about what the roles cover. Budget Question: Maybe I should’ve taken those first year High level of skepticism Should the proposed OUSA budget for 2014 POLS papers... That weed museum thing is just a random be accepted in its entirety? house... is it even zoned for commercial shit? Budget will be available online for viewing. xosexo #danknugz OUSA.org.nz. trying to get politically active in order to Hells-Contra-P1-BW.pdf 2 24/07/13 If4:59 you PMhave any questions please email procrastinate. o.O hey:)// www.bit.ly/f5tDJd Zac on [email protected]
C LETTERS POLICY M Letters should be 200 words or fewer. Deadline is Thursday at 5pm. Y Send letters to [email protected], post them to PO Box 1436, Dunedin, or drop into the Critic office. All letters must include full CMcontact details, even if you don’t want these printed. Letters of a serious nature directly addressing a specific person or group will MYnot be published under a pseudonym, except in extraordinary circumstances CY negotiated with the Editor. Critic reserves the right to edit, abridge or decline letters without explanation. We don’t fix the spellingCMY or CALL 0800 666 111 grammar in letters. If a writer looks stupid, it’s because they are. K
Critic | Issue 22 | 7 NEWS Captain Cook Staggering Back to Life
by Josie Cochrane
he Captain Cook Tavern will be open far better than before.” funds would “incentivise” a third party to buy again within a year, according to a New the Cook. T Zealand architectural firm. A smaller bar downstairs will mean that the Cook “will be much more intimate,” although Even if OUSA did decide to purchase the Cook or Edwin Elliot of Elliot Architects confirmed that Critic understands that intimacy has never been another pub, the University has made it clear that the company has been hired to draw up plans an issue there before. they would not support the move unless they to convert the pub, which shut its doors in July could have control over the pub’s management. after 153 years of operation, into a restaurant Elliot would not reveal the identity of the new At the last Executive meeting, it was revealed with an attached bar. tenant; however, there will possibly be more that the University had threatened to withdraw than one if separate businesses are to operate from its Service Level Agreement (SLA) negotia- The plans involve keeping the corner of the from the premises. tions with OUSA if OUSA were to purchase a pub ground floor and upstairs as a bar/club and without the University’s involvement. installing a separate restaurant on the remaining At the latest OUSA Executive meeting last ground floor area. Earthquake strengthening Tuesday 3 September, it emerged that the In February, Critic reported that OUSA had met would also be carried out. Executive is still interested in purchasing a with the University over summer to discuss the stake in the establishment, and is considering possibility of purchasing the Cook and turning it Elliot said he and the owners would “respect the a PledgeMe campaign to raise funds to that end. into a student-run pub and venue. Those talks old building,” and will “enhance [its] tradition- stalled after the asking price for the pub was al features.” The toilets upstairs will also “be OUSA Welfare Officer Ruby Sycamore-Smith’s revealed to be $6 million. getting a tidy up” but the main layout upstairs suggested fundraising target of $500,000, would remain the same. The open space out however, is unlikely to put a dent in the cost of It could be up to a year away, but watch this the back of the Cook would also be opened up refurbishing the building, which is reported to space as we await more details regarding the to let more sun in. Overall, he says, “it will look cost millions. Sycamore-Smith suggested the Captain Cook’s possible resurrection.
University Bullies OUSA Over Bar
BY SAM MCCHESNEY
he revelation in last Tuesday’s Executive to withdraw from SLA negotiations should OUSA on the University, and whether the University meeting that the University is directing purchase a bar. supported the repealing of the VSM legislation. T how OUSA spends its reserves is signif- The revelation highlights the vulnerable po- The University’s position on OUSA owner- icant, but unsurprising. sition in which OUSA has been placed following ship of a bar is a slap in the face to the association OUSA is known to have large reserves, which the passage of Voluntary Student Membership given previous statements by the University. it could in theory use to purchase a bar with (VSM) in 2011. OUSA can no longer require stu- In February, when reports of the Cook’s closure or without the University’s approval. However, dents to join, but retaining as many members first began to arise, Vice-Chancellor Prof Harlene given that the majority of OUSA’s income is as possible is crucial for its continued legitimacy Hayne told Critic that “the University appreciates earned through its Service Level Agreement as a voice for Otago students. This means the the importance of the Cook to our student com- (SLA) with the University, and the University is association has little option but to charge zero munity. We would be delighted to see it continue under no obligation to sign the SLA, OUSA has membership fees and to instead earn most of its as a pub under responsible host management.” little option but to acquiesce if the University income through contracts with the University. Apparently, in the University’s eyes, OUSA chooses to put its foot down. This gives rise to the SLA, whereby all of OUSA’s does not qualify as “responsible host manage- Until recently it was not known whether major services are funded through a single, giant ment,” despite the association’s strong recent and to what extent the University had been agreement. record on safety at events such as Hyde Street using its powerful bargaining position to direct As Critic went to print on Thursday, and O-Week. The University of Canterbury OUSA’s non-SLA spending. However, at the last University figures were unavailable for comment Students’ Association (UCSA) owns a bar, the Executive meeting on Tuesday 3 September it on the recent revelations, whether they believed Foundry. This precedent was pointed out to the was revealed that the University had threatened that OUSA had become too financially dependent University at the time, but made no impression.
8 | Issue 22 | Critic NEWS Grinch Continues to Ruin EXMSS
By Bella Macdonald
ollowing revelations about the Massey potentially have given rise to a breach of the SLA. excuse for Chapman not to stream the much-an- University Extramural Students’ Society “But I have not received any information about ticipated AGM, as no one else in the office was F (EXMSS) President’s salary, EXMSS is once this apart from your inquiry,” Gardiner told Critic. capable of setting up such a system. The EXMSS again under scrutiny after one of its staff was Facebook page went into few details on the mat- suspended without explanation and a member However, Nelson Mail and MASSIVE reporter ter, explaining only that the communications of the Executive unexpectedly resigned on the Sasha Borissenko confirms that she had dis- manager was “not here this week.” eve of an Annual General Meeting. cussed a potential breach of SLA with Gardiner on 21 August. “Unfortunately I can’t go into details EXMSS students expressed concern over the Last month MASSIVE reported that Jeanette for fear of getting the chop, but I definitely did failure to stream the AGM. Given that extramural “JV” Chapman, the President of EXMSS, is re- have a grand ol’ adrenalin-inducing convo with students are scattered across the country, many ceiving a salary of $53,000 for her part-time the big cheese,” Borissenko said. were simply unable to attend in person. This was position. Following the publication of the particularly alarming considering Chapman’s MASSIVE article, which first appeared online, proposed changes to the Constitution, which EXMSS Communications Manager Adam Dodd “EXMSS is once again were to be voted on at the AGM. was suspended. Dodd is also the web manager under scrutiny after one for MASSIVE, and is responsible for uploading of its staff was suspended The main proposed changes to the Constitution MASSIVE’s content to its website. were reducing the number of Executive mem- without explanation and a bers from seven to four, reducing the quorum EXMSS did not respond to Critic’s request for member of the Executive at Executive meetings from five to four, and confirmation of the reasons for the suspension, reducing the quorum at AGMs from 25 to 20. All nor did they clarify the circumstances around unexpectedly resigned of these measures would have increased the the resignation of Executive member Shane Field on the eve of an Annual ability of the President to pass motions without and the proposed AGM. The AGM was originally democratic support. The proposals also included scheduled for Thursday 5 September, but was General Meeting.” changes to the President’s payment structure, postponed after failing to meet quorum. with the President to be paid on a fortnightly Gardiner is responsible for overseeing the alloca- basis instead of quarterly. Under the Service Level Agreement (SLA) be- tion of the media grants portion of the levy mon- tween Massey and EXMSS, Massey grants the ey collected by Massey University for student The 2010 EXMSS Constitution states that under association money to be used for web support. services. “MaWSA, which produces MASSIVE, Section 6(f), “any officer may be removed from Part of the agreement is that all of MASSIVE’s is a grant recipient and the grant assists with office by a two thirds majority of those voting at content must be available online. With Dodd sus- the production of MASSIVE magazine. EXMSS, an Annual General Meeting (where due notice of pended, MASSIVE’s latest issue took over three which assists with MASSIVE’s online presence, such a proposal had been given), or at a properly weeks to be formatted and published online. is also a grant recipient,” Gardiner explained. constituted Special General Meeting [SGM] called for that purpose.” Mike Ross, the communications manager for Ross believes that Gardiner’s position creates the Massey at Wellington Students’ Association a potential conflict, and gives Massey a way to Critic understands that a number of students (MaWSA), believed that Dodd’s suspension was exert pressure on student media. had applied for an SGM several weeks ago, at depriving students of their right to access this which they would be able to vote Chapman out information. “It’s a contractual issue between the “[Gardiner has] rightly become concerned that of office with a two-thirds majority. However, Uni, EXMSS and MASSIVE,” he stated. the JV Chapman story raises questions about the requests for an SGM were ignored by EXMSS. oversight of media funding. Given the supposed Massey University Communications Director independence of student media, this is poten- At the time of print, it was unknown whether James Gardiner believed the suspension could tially dangerous territory to be in,” Ross said. the AGM was postponed due to not meeting the quorum for executives or for members, or when The suspension also provided a convenient the rescheduled AGM will be held.
Critic | Issue 22 | 9 NEWS Execrable By Sam McChesney
he agenda for last week’s Exec meeting Fran then threatened to bring “a gun” to his at which she is expected to stand for President totalled 70 pages, with 27 different items next ORC meeting. “Never go into a meeting against Zac. While clever in a sense – the venture T listed. The room had been booked for five without a loaded gun,” he declared, causing Critic would require little expenditure on OUSA’s part, hours, but thankfully the meeting “only” lasted to frantically duck under the table to see if Fran allowing Ruby to claim the “fiscal responsibility” three. So, what happened? was packing heat. He was, but there was no gun tag from Zac, who would buy a pub outright – the in sight. Fran later assured Critic that the gun move was half-arsed, sloppy, and led directly 1. Serious financial discussions devolved into was “metaphorical.” Clearly impressed by his to what senior OUSA figures would later label sugar-fuelled gigglings. Fran kept losing his linguistic talents, the Exec authorised Fran to a “clusterfuck.” rag and shouting “order!” at his flighty Exec. make the ORC an offer they couldn’t refuse, and conditionally approved the spending. After the memorandum was tabled, an extensive 2. Fran tried valiantly to feed Critic some lines “filling in the gaps” session took place, given that would sound good to the Dunedin voting that Ruby had, essentially, presented nothing public. Critic wasn’t playing Fran’s game, but gaps. and will instead print quotes that make him $15,000 OUSA E-Sports Tournament sound like an unhinged terrorist. For those unfamiliar with PledgeMe, it is a sys- tem designed to avoid the Prisoners’ Dilemma 3. Campaigns Officer Rachael Davidson was of individual charity. Someone sets an overall the only one looking vaguely Presidential. $25,000 fundraising target, and you pledge a donation to Could this be a sign? Free Go Cards for all students the cause; but you only have to pay if the overall target is actually met. Thus, people can avoid 4. Admin Vice-President Zac Gawn skulked in wasting money on charity drives that go nowhere the corner contributing little and grumbling $45,000 (for instance, half-arsed attempts to buy a failed about E-Sports, as is his wont. OUSA’s NZUSA membership levy local pub), and will only pay for causes that ac- tually get enough support to make a difference. 5. Oh and finally, the Exec fucked up a routine procedural matter and as a result leaked a $2,557,289 A target of $1 million was floated but quickly sizeable quantity of sensitive information 2012 Total OUSA Spending rejected as too ambitious, and $500,000 was to Critic. Read on … proposed in its place. God then spoke to the Exec, and pointed out that the asking price for the Cook The first substantive item on the agenda was Next, it was decided that a referendum will be was $6m when the association had approached about buses. OUSA and the Otago Regional held on whether to accept OUSA’s proposed 2014 its owners earlier in the year. What, God asked, Council have negotiated a deal to provide free budget, just as soon as the Exec figure out what would the Exec do with only $500,000? Go Cards to first-years in 2014, in addition to said budget will actually contain. the previously negotiated student bus discount Ruby suggested that it would “incentivise” a third set for a trial period next year. OUSA would pay Some other boring shit happened for a while, party to buy the Cook. “Yeah,” Fran said, “we’ll a discounted 25 per cent rate for these cards. and then Ruby tabled a memorandum proposing just donate it to whoever buys the Cook.” (Side Fran wanted to extend the deal to encompass a PledgeMe campaign to raise funds to reopen note: Fran is running for the Dunedin City Council all students, at an estimated cost of $25,000. the Cook. Ruby had zero details about how the on a platform of fiscal responsibility.) Thankfully, campaign might work, what the target should somebody pointed out how fucking stupid this Rachael and Postgrad Rep Keir Russell pointed be, and what OUSA would look to gain from was – not to mention fucking irresponsible, since out that the cards are only part of the story – the the venture. it basically amounted to a charitable campaign ORC’s bus timetables are shit, and unless they are to get students drunk – and the Exec agreed that improved, the trial period is unlikely to be suc- With so little thought and effort having gone OUSA should expect some kind of ownership cessful. (By this point Zac was banging his head into it, the proposal was presumably little more stake for its 500k (notwithstanding that this against the table and chewing his notes, but the than an attempt by Ruby to burnish her “Scarfie” 500k a. is purely hypothetical and b. would not meeting was only a quarter of the way through.) credentials for the upcoming OUSA elections, really belong to OUSA).
10 | Issue 22 | Critic NEWS
There followed an interesting revelation. It was the whole – i.e., a closed session that the media candidacy. Rachael whipped out her soapbox pointed out that the University was against OUSA is not allowed to report on. Normally all of this and made some salty remarks about the DCC. She owning a pub, and had been using the Service information would be buried deeper than Osama noted that the MOU included efforts to increase Level Agreement (SLA) – the agreement through Bin Laden’s corpse. Whoops-a-daisy, Exec! student participation in local body politics, and which the University funds most of OUSA’s activ- pointed to the student enrolment drive that OUSA ities – as leverage to prevent them from buying had been running under her guidance. “What one. The only way the University would coun- “‘This is in committee, are the DCC bringing to the table?” Rachael tenance such a deal, the Exec were reminded, right?’ Ruby suddenly demanded, not without justification. was if the University itself had a stake and could exercise some (read: total) control over how the asked. Critic replied in the The last item on the agenda was E-Sports, with bar was managed. Cos, you know, drinking’s negative. Zac wanting (again) to pull OUSA’s funding for more fun when Aunty Harlene is watching you. the November E-Sports tournament. This time, his reasoning was that the Exec had not been This is the first time that anybody from the There was a sharp intake given sufficient progress reports or justification Executive has openly acknowledged that the of breath around the for how its $15,000 outlay on E-Sports was being University uses the SLA to exert wider strategic spent. (If Zac were this meticulous in chasing and operational control over OUSA, including room. ‘Fuck,’ someone up every $15,000 of OUSA expenditure, OUSA how OUSA spends its non-SLA money. In short: observed.” would be the most well-run and accountable OUSA has become the University’s bitch. organisation in the world.)
Education Officer Jordan Taylor pointed out that After hastily tabling a motion “That OUSA co- Zac’s hardly a Grinch – if anything, his heart is the Cook was not OUSA’s only option in terms operate with the Otago University and other three sizes too large – but this makes his efforts of a student-owned pub, but was cryptic about interested parties to create a PledgeMe to in- to shit in the E-Sports manger even sadder. what other venues might be available. Critic tried centivise the establishment of a student bar He clearly thinks that hating on E-Sports is a to coax some answers from Zac, who ruled out in North Dunedin,” the Exec sheepishly moved vote-winner, and maybe he’s right – after all, it’s the garage beneath Clubs and Societies but was into committee. Critic cannot report on what was stigmatised and has a ridiculous name – but the notably coyer when it came to the Great King said, but after the Exec came out of committee elephant in the room here is anti-Asian racism, Street branch of UBS. the motion was withdrawn pending discussions so Zac needs to tread carefully. In any case, given with the University. that the $15,000 represents just a fraction of a “This is in committee, right?” Ruby suddenly percent of OUSA’s total budget, the constant asked. Critic replied in the negative. Discussion then turned to the DCC’s decision to sabre-rattling is just starting to look petty. withdraw its polling booth from campus. The There was a sharp intake of breath around the polling booth was to be introduced as part of At long last, the meeting ended. The Exec filed room. “Fuck,” someone observed. OUSA’s Memorandum of Understanding (MOU) out, with a few stragglers hanging back to ask with the DCC, but was scrapped (on extreme- Critic despairing questions like “are you going The Exec had forgotten to move into committee of ly flimsy grounds) in the wake of Fran’s DCC to report on this?”
Critic | Issue 22 | 11 NEWS Arrest And Relaxation Handcuffs Instead Of a Hand Up For Worst Student-loan Defaulters
BY Anna Bradley-Smith (Salient)
tudents heading away on their OE may would send a clear message to all borrowers overseas-based borrowers from falling into soon face a nasty surprise, with new that non-compliance is unacceptable, and there default, and that “with accurate contact details, S legislation poised to stop the worst are real consequences for ignoring repayment Inland Revenue can educate borrowers about loan-defaulters at the border. responsibilities,” said McClay. their obligations and put early intervention The Student Loan Scheme Amendment Bill As well as imposing tougher measures on [measures] in place.” (No 3), which would allow for the arrest of those serious student-loan defaulters, the Bill proposes The Bill’s reception has been mixed, with who have defaulted on student-loan repay- fixed repayment obligations for New Zealanders Opposition Spokesperson for Revenue David ments, passed its first reading by 61 votes to 59 based overseas and suggests new thresholds Cunliffe stating that the Bill is “an erosion of in Parliament (under urgency) last week. that would increase repayment obligations. civil liberties,” and Green Party MP Holly Walker The Bill is an attempt to reduce govern- In order to enforce the new legislation, the labelling the policy “dangerous” and “unneces- ment debt (the primary goal outlined in the 2013 Bill would see increased information sharing sarily punitive.” Budget) by targeting overseas borrowers and between government departments, with the One student spoken to by Salient, Zac those thinking of heading abroad. If implement- contact details of those applying for passports Sanderson-Harris, views IRD issuing arrest ed, the Bill would allow the IRD to issue arrest being provided to the IRD. warrants as “overboard” and “extreme.” warrants at the New Zealand border for those This interdepartmental sharing would allow “It is fair to have to pay [student loans] off who have refused to repay their student loans. for greater exchange of the personal information while overseas, but the new legislation could in- Revenue Minister Todd McClay has compared of all students with loans. As the Student Loan timidate those with loans from dealing with IRD.” the move to preventing parents with outstanding Scheme Act 2011 does not allow for the sharing The Finance and Expenditure Select child support payments from leaving the country, of contact details of borrowers not in default, Committee must now consider the Bill before and claims that the threat of arrest would act as the Bill contains an amendment enabling the further legislative progress can be made. Their an efficient deterrent for those planning to travel Commissioner of the IRD to obtain the contact report, which will affect the over 70 per cent of overseas without repaying their student debt. details of all those borrowing under the scheme. current tertiary students who have a student “Similar provisions for student loans McClay says that this is to prevent loan, is due by 27 February 2014. Bus Trial to Cost Far Less Than Actual Bus
By Zane Pocock
he trial for tertiary student discount their support for the scheme, an effort that Slightly more reserved, Cr Sam Neill thought bus fares set up by OUSA, OPSA and the Critic speculates may be due in part to the re- the trial was “overdue,” but felt that it would need T Otago Regional Council (ORC) is expected cent push by the DCC and OUSA to get more to be matched by a concerted and “massive” to cost the ORC up to $15,000. Ratepayers have students enrolled to vote in the upcoming local effort to let students know what was available. been assured, however, that they will not be hit body elections. Cr Lucy Lawless was unavailable for comment. in the pocket. Cr Michael Deaker emphasised that the The two-month trial is set to occur between ORC Chairman Stephen Woodhead put the 18,000 students living in Dunedin show “a real Orientation Week and the end of April, and will trial “in perspective” by identifying that the prospect of improving patronage figures,” and give students a 25 per cent discount when using council’s total transport spending for the year described the trial as “exciting” considering a Go Card. Promotions and specific system re- would be approximately $10 million. that students may now move further away from quirements have not yet been finalised. Councillors have moved quickly to show University when choosing where to live.
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12 | Issue 22 | Critic NEWS Students Learn to Appear Good and Fuck the World Discreetly
By Zane Pocock
isciplinary figures released to the fined by the Proctor’s office declined from 77 to Otago Daily Times last week under 5 Students 39, with a drop in total fines from $8,030 last D the Official Information Act show that year to $5,585 this year. student behaviour for the first half of 2013 has Referred to the VC for serious significantly improved when compared to the disciplinary cases in the year to July 2013 Total numbers disciplined for starting fires also same period last year. (8 fewer than previous year) dropped to 28 students in the first half of this year, down from last year’s 60. Only five students were referred to Vice- who is the senior academic administrator Chancellor Prof Harlene Hayne in the year to of the University, dropped from 20 to sev- OUSA President Francisco Hernandez was the end of July, eight fewer than were referred en. The Provost generally deals with severe “pleased” by the drop in students being disciplined. in the corresponding period last year. Students academic misdemeanours. are referred to the Vice-Chancellor “only in the “The feedback we’ve had from police, the most serious disciplinary cases.” Students referred to the Proctor totaled 247, University and the wider community is that in down from 271 over the same period last year. general University of Otago students are behav- The five students seen by Hayne this year were While this represents the smallest decline in ing well and trouble-makers are a minority,” involved in three separate incidents, and each numbers, this figure includes Otago Polytechnic Hernandez told the ODT. were excluded from the University for between students and non-students caught trespassing one and two semesters. on University property. The University’s student services office felt that it was “too early to pinpoint the reasons The number of students seen by the Provost, In contrast, the number of University students for the decline.”
Critic | Issue 22 | 13 NEWS Words Superimposed Onto Ad
By Jamie Breen
his Saturday will host an event de- day to educate visitors about production tech- These signed to bridge the gap between niques and professional beer tasting methods. moves come T Dunedin’s “town and gown” student There will also be a home brew competition, after criticism population and the general public. The Dunedin with the winner being awarded the opportunity over Lion Nathan’s Craft Beer and Food Festival, to be held on 14 to brew the following year’s “festival brew.” partnership in the festival, which led to September, is described by the event organ- Farra Fabrication will also be doing a live brew the inclusion of Speights in the event. A isers as “an evolving platform upon which on the day. self-described “beer snob” told Critic he was craft brewers can come together under one “relieved” to see this partnership taking a roof to showcase their products alongside a A selection of New Zealand musicians – in- back seat in favour of “true craft beers.” selection of the finest local food backed up by cluding Sola Rosa, Two Cartoons, Matt Langley, top Kiwi music.” Sympathy Bells and The Kaikorai Metropolitan “I think [the organisers] have done a really Bavarian Band – are set to perform live. There good job of balancing their commercial obli- Held at Forsyth Barr Stadium, the event will will also be a large range of food, including gations with the spirit of a craft beer festival.” showcase over 50 unique beverages from over waffles, pizza, churros and breads. 30 breweries, and more than 15 different food The festival may become an annual feature, providers. Beers exclusive to the festival will The mix of music, beer and food is expected to depending on the success of this inaugural also be present. Emerson’s brewery has been bring around 3,000 people under the roof of the effort. “This is the first year … the festival has working with Whittaker’s to create a chocolate Forsyth Barr Stadium. Travellers from Auckland, happened, and we are extremely happy with stout, incorporating cocoa nibs supplied by Christchurch and Wellington are also set to the progress behind the scenes and the support Whittaker’s, which will feature as the exclusive attend, thanks to a partnership deal run by Air from the greater Dunedin city. Because of this “festival brew.” New Zealand’s Grabaseat Getaways service. we intend to continue to develop the event for future years,” OUSA told Critic. OUSA figures described the event as “some- Breweries from the North Island will also be thing a little bit different, fusing the popularity featured in the festival. “There will be a sprin- Emerson’s spokesperson Jane Hyde felt that and great food of the food festivals we run with kling of North Island breweries such as Liberty “beer festivals are a hugely popular phenom- the more refined ‘quality over quantity’ attitude and Yeastie Boys. Once we got momentum we enon now and it’s pretty exciting that Otago is that comes with the craft beer and cider lovers.” found they were keen to be here supported going to have one of its own.” by their distributors, and they’re so good we The festival is not all about beer tasting, how- couldn’t not let them in.” Student tickets are $19.90, plus a booking fee. ever – seminars will be held throughout the A sizeable student turnout is expected.
Does my phone Why yes it does have a camera Miss Jane Mr Speilberg?
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14 | Issue 22 | Critic NEWS Council to Railroad Cars Into Cycle Lanes
by Jack Montgomerie
he Dunedin City Council looks set to as this would likely make stocking and servicing The Harry Potter Issue implement a transport strategy focusing businesses harder for downtown retailers. He T on cycling, walking and public trans- said inner-city businesspeople also worried that By Zane Pocock port in the downtown area. However, a group pedestrianisation would discourage shoppers representing local businesses has accused the from coming to the inner city. strategy of neglecting its needs, prompting a The strategy’s “Focus on Freight” section sharp online response from the Mayor. claims that the “Your City, Our Future” survey The DCC’s hearings subcommittee received carried out by the Council in 2011 suggested 64 submissions from individuals and organi- that Dunedinites wanted “improved rail ser- id the crocodile swim across to New sations before it produced the draft transport vices in Dunedin and more use of rail for freight Zealand, or was a small kiwi subspe- strategy, which outlines the Council’s plans for movement.” D cies recently discovered in Australia? transport infrastructure and rules for the next 30 In fact, a summary report of the survey A scared New Zealand kayaker is much less years. The strategy outlines seven key objectives: (which involved some 4,000 citizens) released impressive now, isn’t it? at the time stated that “advocating for better 1. An affordable, responsive, effective and safe connections in and out of the city (e.g. flights into road network. the city, rail transport, state highways)” received 2. Affordable and convenient public transport. a mean public rating of 3.62/5, compared to a 3. Good connections for business and freight, mean of 3.33/5 for “improving cycling facilities.” Personally, I don’t really like the idea of my burial including excellent connections to key Christie said that while the Chamber is sup- site becoming a family toilet, but each to their gateways. portive of cycleways in principle, cycleways can own I guess. 4. Sustainable transport choices and a reduced endanger both cyclists and motorists if poorly dependence on oil for transport. designed. The Chamber also believes that the 5. Efficient movement of vehicles and freight. draft strategy “had a heavy leaning towards 6. Urban form and design that creates high more cycleways, issues around sustainability, levels of accessibility to key destinations. and yet the base documentation wasn’t there 7. A safe and pleasant place to walk and cycle. to support those.” Christie was concerned that the strategy The Otago Chamber of Commerce CEO “makes assumptions that can’t be validated John Christie said that the Chamber consulted by the facts.” He believed that the document’s a number of “wise heads” before deciding that assumption that “fuel prices will continue to the draft strategy failed to emphasise the need increase” ignores the growing efficiency of for an uninterrupted freight link to the port. The vehicles. The introduction of a new full-page column current strategy allows for the possibility of a Dr. Herbert Harris, one of several transport by Judy Bailey is best described by comments heavy traffic bypass on the east of the city. consultants and traffic engineers commissioned from the Critic office: “That’s a fall from grace!” Alexis Belton, co-founder of the Feet Street by the Chamber to write a submission, was more and “I thought she died in the Solomon Islands group, which submitted in favour of pedestrian- damning. He called the strategy “akin to a read- last year?” ising downtown areas, claimed that “pedestri- ing study” that “even in this role … is inadequate.” anisation myths” were “empirically unfounded,” Harris recommended the strategy be rewritten and offered Auckland’s Vulcan Lane as a suc- by a joint working party consisting of the DCC cessful example that Dunedin should follow. and the Chamber of Commerce. His group believed that increases in foot traffic While Christie said the Chamber is gener- You poets, you! SPORT! would offset any difficulties resulting from the ally pleased with Cull’s performance as Mayor, changes, which would “produce a more pleasant His Worship used Facebook to express his urban space.” Belton claimed that the owners of displeasure, fuming that “our local Chamber Mac’s Brew Bar were one of several businesses of Commerce … seems stuck in a smoke stack who supported the idea. industry time warp.” Christie said the Chamber’s members were The Transport Strategy will go to a full coun- At least the ODT got their priorities right this alarmed by suggestions that the Octagon and cil vote on 23 September, the last time the council week. parts of George Street could be pedestrianised, meets before local body elections on 12 October.
Critic | Issue 22 | 15 NEWS Switched On Museum to Bring Prostitution, Gambling
By Josie Cochrane
he Marijuana Museum of Dunedin, found- as Gray and Crawford both plan on staying here for members of the DHB or the DCC feel about me- ed by Abe Gray of Otago Norml and a while. Gray explained that “jobs are hard to come dicinal marijuana. “I will just have to await the T Julian Crawford of the Aotearoa Legalise by as graduates, so we created jobs for ourselves support from the public, then work on convincing Cannabis Party (ALCP), opens its doors this and for others.” The pair also claims that Dunedin the others.” week to educate locals and tourists on the world has a history as the most active centre in New of cannabis. Crawford is also a candidate for Zealand for advocating cannabis legalisation, so The main objective of Crawford’s campaign is the Otago District Health Board (DHB) and the the museum celebrates previous efforts. to push through the legalisation of medicinal Dunedin City Council (DCC). He intends to push marijuana. The only cannabis drug that may be for the legalisation of marijuana and has high Sergeant Edward Baker of the Dunedin Police prescribed in New Zealand is Sativex, a mouth hopes of creating a “Dunsterdam” in the future. denies having heard about the museum, despite spray containing cannabis extracts. However, as reports in the Otago Daily Times that “police Sativex is not funded by Pharmac, it costs users The museum is located at 66 David Street, South would be paying the museum a visit.” However, about $600 a month to use, and is therefore out Dunedin, and is open during standard working he says that “we have no issues with it, so long of the reach of many. Possession of raw cannabis hours. Exhibitions will rotate throughout the as no criminal activity is taking place.” in any form is still illegal, including for those with year, with the first display showcasing what a Sativex prescription. Crawford describes as “the unique Kiwi style of spotting, which is uncommon overseas,” “Dutch-style cannabis Doctors in a growing number of countries around complete with stoves, heated knives and ana- cafes would go well in red the world, including the United States and tomically moveable mannequins. light areas here. We’ve got Germany, are now legally prescribing cannabis for people suffering from cancer, MS, chronic Among many ideas for future exhibits is a dis- prostitution and gambling pain, glaucoma and HIV. play of the different types of growing chambers so we might as well go the used in NZ, such as wall cut-outs and the inside Crawford explains that the biggest obstacle to of computers. whole way.” the introduction of medical marijuana is the fact that no company can patent the plant. The museum’s research library contains over Referring to what they call “Dunsterdam,” Pharmaceutical companies therefore refuse to 100 books on the history and use of cannabis, Crawford and Gray say they would like to see pay for the research, as the information gener- many of which are not available in other public Dunedin become the “Amsterdam of the South ated cannot be copyrighted. libraries. Computers and free WiFi are also in Pacific.” Crawford argues that “Dutch-style place to allow open access to further research. cannabis cafés would go well in red light areas In 2011, The New Zealand Law Commission found Gray says that the museum intends to make here. We’ve got prostitution and gambling so we that “there are significant differences of opinion PDF versions of all of the books available so might as well go the whole way.” on whether unprocessed cannabis should be that visitors can bring in USB drives and make available for therapeutic use and that this would copies of the information. Gray was a little more reserved, stating that not be resolved until randomised control trials “my focus is the cannabis element. I think a lot were launched.” It stated that cannabis should The building is also home to the new base of of neighbourhoods would like a cannabis café.” not be a special case, but should be treated in the ALCP. The offices will include a broadcasting He would like to at least see a small enclave “so the same way as other controlled drugs that studio and a computer suite for running the as not to offend people” but he believes that have medicinal uses. organisation’s electoral campaigns next year. “the generational change people talk about is happening. I think Dunedin is ready for it.” Dr Kim Maiai, director of Student Health, told Entry to the museum will be free of charge – Critic that “we do see students with problems it is being funded purely by donations “from Gray believes a “Dunsterdam” would bring in in their academic and personal lives who have generous people who support the legalisation of “higher calibre tourists who stay in hotels and failed to link it with their use of cannabis.” Maiai marijuana and the work we do,” Gray explains. spend money, instead of campers” (who spend believes there are bigger problems, though. “The Merchandise will also be sold at the museum, less money – perhaps because they are not high). king of drugs is alcohol. Absolutely, no question, including t-shirts and “glass vases.” alcohol is more of a problem.” In regards to his campaign for a position on Dunedin was chosen as the home for the museum the DHB, Crawford is not aware of how other
16 | Issue 22 | Critic NEWS OUSA to Pad Eleven More CVs
by Staff Reporter
ominations for positions on the 2014 Candidates are allowed to stand for no more candidates’ debate for the Administrative Vice OUSA Executive are now open until 4pm than two positions. Candidates must be nomi- President, Finance, Welfare, and Education N on 19 September, with voting to take nated and seconded by two other students, and positions at 1pm the following day; and an- place from 31 September to 4pm on 3 October. all three must bring their student ID cards to the other debate for the Recreation, International, There are 11 positions on the Executive. In OUSA office to enrol. Campaigns, and Colleges positions at 1pm on addition to the full-time position of President, All candidates must attend a rules briefing the Thursday. It is unclear whether these de- there are four 20-hour positions (Administrative after the nomination period closes. A precise bates will involve pizza, or whether anybody Vice-President, Finance Officer, Welfare Officer, time for this meeting has yet to be confirmed. will attend. and Education Officer) and five 10-hour positions Candidates are also encouraged to send a blurb Questions regarding nominations should (Recreation Officer, Campaigns Officer, Colleges to Critic for publication, which must be no more be directed to the OUSA secretary, Donna Jones and Communications Officer, International than 200 words for Presidential candidates and (479 5331/ [email protected]). Officer, and Postgrad Rep). no more than 100 words for all other positions. Any other questions about the elec- The eleventh position on the Executive is A Presidential debate will be held in the tions should be directed to the return- the Te Roopu Maori President, who is elected Main Common Room at 5:30pm on Tuesday ing officer, Tom Harries (027 245 7227/ by members of Te Roopu Maori and sits as an 24 September. The debate will offer pizza as a [email protected]). ex officio member. bribe for attending. This will be followed by a
The Syrian Question
OPINION by Guy McCallum
he “Syrian Question” presents a moral independence, he was blown up by a car bomb. doctrines of fascism and lebensraum. American dilemma for the Western world, which If the West decides to stay home, conditions will intervention in the Middle East is premised on T as I write sits poised to intervene in a only get worse. the idea that a line must be drawn between a Middle Eastern civil war. Do we jump in to save If it happened here … country railing against US foreign policy, on innocent lives? Or do we prevent World War III It is significant that Russia and Iran, them- the one hand, and brutally targeting its own by staying home? According to the mainstream selves studies in totalitarianism, are backing civilians, on the other, and has paved the way media, the majority of Western countries are Assad’s regime. Let’s reflect on what these coun- for moderates to establish strong democracies. against intervention. Considering everything tries do. Let’s reflect on Russia’s brutal pogrom Another World War is always close – closer else that is reported about the Syrian civil war, against LGBTI persons, the increasing influence still now that powers like Russia, North Korea I can’t begin to understand why. of the misogynistic Russian Orthodox Church, and Iran are trying to take control. Chamberlain Assad’s regime monitors personal com- and Iran’s version of Islamism, which is against tried diplomacy; look how that turned out. What munications in order to root out dissent, and any freedoms (that you and I enjoy) that are not makes us think this case is any different? shuts down various websites it doesn’t like. compatible with the Ayatollah’s interpretation Protecting Syrian innocents from being mulched Amnesty International reports that speaking of the Qur’an. into statistics is clearly the right thing to do, and out against the regime usually leads to impris- With thugs like these for friends, it’s no if WWIII begins because of this, at least we will onment, torture or even execution. Syrians are wonder the Syrians are screaming for help. go in as the good guys. not free, and neither are their neighbours. When Intervention is not inherently a bad thing, If the West intervenes for the good, we will Lebanese Prime Minister Rafik Hariri (a leading and a distinction is useful. Assad’s Ba’athist encourage good people in bad countries to do figure in the 2005 Cedar Revolution that ended regime is known to be brutal and expansion- the same. a 29-year Syrian occupation) took a stand for ist – there are clear similarities here with the
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Critic | Issue 22 | 17 BEST OF THE WEB NEWS IN
straightvoices.tumblr.com BRIEFS Straight voices on gay rights. No gays allowed. ZANE POCOCK | Sam Clark | Lucy Gaudin
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A directory of direct links to delete your account from web services.
critic.co.nz/flagfood WORLD WATCH
National flags created from the foods Dawson City, Yukon, Canada. | A patron at Dawson City’s Downtown Hotel with which each country is commonly swallowed a human toe with his shot of whiskey. The Sourtoe Cocktail – for associated. which the city is famous – can be any drink, so long as it contains a preserved human toe. Your lips must touch the toe when drinking it, but swallowing it results in a fine.
critic.co.nz/butterfield Oxford, England. | “Twerking” is set to be included in the latest update of the Oxford Dictionary. If you haven’t seen “Butterfield Detective Agency,” you’re missing out.
critic.co.nz/chicksrule
Chicks Rule: Gender balance on social networking sites.
critic.co.nz/frackingexp
Fracking explained: opportunity or danger?
London, England. | London’s new “Walkie Talkie” building has become partycloud.fm infamous for focusing reflected light across the street at temperatures high enough to fry eggs and melt a Jaguar’s exterior. What’s more, the same architect A DJ mixer for Soundcloud was responsible for the exact same problem in Las Vegas three years ago.
18 | Issue 22 | Critic FACTS & FIGURES
THE MORE In film credits, “and” and “&” mean two different things. If two THINGS writers’ names are joined with “&” then they collaborated on the script, but if they’re joined CHANGE with “and” it means they worked on it at different times. 9-15 September “The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick” by Jessica Bromell is the world’s hardest tongue twister, according to the Guinness Book of World Records. his week, people say a lot of things first recorded computer bug. It wasn’t a cute – some more useful than others. little metaphor either, but an actual bug – a T poor, innocent moth had gotten stuck in 14 September, 1752: In the British Empire, the computer somehow. The incident (if this day came after 2 September. This you could call it that) is the reason we use was due to the adoption of the Gregorian the phrase “computer bug,” and has been calendar, the one that’s still used today, immortalised in the Smithsonian Museum, New data released in the journal Oxford in place of the Julian calendar. Because where the computer’s logbook, complete Economic Papers reveals that the average Britain changed calendars a couple of with moth, is on display. height of European males has grown by 11cm hundred years after almost everyone else, in just over a century. they had to correct by a few more days. 10 September, 2001: Charles Ingram, a for- Apparently, though, the claims that rioters mer British Army major who participated flooded the streets demanding, “give us in a number of reality TV programmes, back our eleven days,” are untrue, and allegedly cheated his way to winning the 23 and 69 the general population was in fact a bit one million pounds on Who Wants to be a The ages at which humans tend to be happiest. smarter than that. Millionaire? He was accused of having his wife and an accomplice cough when the Studies indicate that a woman’s chance of 15 September, 1835: The HMS Beagle correct answer to each question was read getting cancer increases with her height. On reached the Galápagos Islands carrying out, which seems like a very amateur kind average, for every four inches of height gained, none other than Charles Darwin, and of strategy. He ended up being convicted there is a 13 per cent increase in the chance of subsequently became far more famous of deception, and says he’s been suffering getting any form of cancer. For certain cancers the increase is as large as 30 per cent. than it might otherwise have been. It was ever since. Darwin’s observations of the Islands’ endemic species that led to his theory of 11 September, 2007: Russia tested the larg- American war veterans evolution by natural selection: everyone’s est conventional weapon ever, as Russia kill themselves at a rate of one every 80 minutes. heard about the tortoises, but some birds is wont to do. It’s technically called the This rate is 25 times were important too (Darwin’s finches have Aviation Thermobaric Bomb of Increased higher than the rate of their own Wikipedia page). Darwin was a bit Power, but is generally referred to as the soldiers killed in combat. unsure about his theory, famously writing Father of All Bombs: it’s the equivalent of “I think” next to some drawings in one of his 44 tons of TNT. The bomb is thought to have Pluto’s orbital period notebooks, but with the current evidence a similar effect to that of a small nuclear is 248 Earth years. one suspects that he was probably right. weapon, and someone from the Russian Between the time it armed forces described its capabilities in was discovered and unclassified as a planet, 9 September, 1947: Some computer at the following terms: “it simply evaporates Pluto did not even Harvard stopped working properly, and everything that’s alive.” That’s one for the complete one revolution investigation into the failure revealed the dash cams. around the sun.
Critic | Issue 22 | 19 FEATURE Gaming and violence Gaming and violence FEATURE The Great Debate: Do Video Games Make Us Violent? by Baz Macdonald
n 8 December 1980, a 22-year-old and has been implicated in a number of violent The latest instalment Texan man finally succumbed to the acts, including the murder of John Lennon and irresistable pull of entertainment. the attempted assassination of US President of the controversial Consumed by thoughts that were Ronald Reagan. So what is it about this novel not his own, but rather those of his that so incites violence? Does it subconsciously video game series favourite protagonist (of whom he command people to commit such acts? Or is it Grand Theft Auto is believed he was the living embodi- simply emotionally and intellectually evocative ment), he became convinced that he enough that unstable readers are sometimes to be released on 17 Oneeded to kill a number of iconic figures, some adversely influenced by its content? of whom he hated but most of whom he adored. September. Critic’s Despite the theorists who contend that Salinger Gaming Editor Baz Early that morning, he left his hotel room carry- wrote his novel in order to affect people in this ing only a .38 special revolver and a copy of the way, the second option is clearly the more ac- Macdonald tackled story that had so captured him. Signing the book curate. All entertainment, if skilfully executed, as the protagonist and inscribing “This is my has the potential to provoke powerful emotional the question of statement” on the inside, he waited outside the and intellectual responses in those that engage whether GTA and Dakota Apartments for a full day before his target with it. 99 per cent of the time, such responses arrived. Taking a knee, he put five bullets into take the form of tears or laughter. For a minute other video games are the back of his victim before waiting calmly for portion of the population, however, they can the police to arrive, his most prized possession result in far more serious outcomes. This was making us violent. clasped tightly in his hands. His name was Mark the case with Mark David Chapman. David Chapman. The story that consumed him was J. D. Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye. And There is no doubt that Chapman was mentally the man he killed was John Lennon. unstable before ever setting eyes on The Catcher in the Rye: a brief survey of his life history reveals The Catcher in the Rye is one of the most infa- a flood of potential exacerbating factors and a mous pieces of twentieth-century literature, number of suicide attempts. Yet the death of
Critic | Issue 22 | 21 FEATURE Gaming and violence
John Lennon did not lead to an inquiry into the of gamers and the uninformed assumptions of was spotlighted by the media. Left unmentioned, American health services. Rather, the blame non-gamers. The occassional violent act, like however, was the fact that video games have for his death was placed squarely at the feet of Chapman’s shooting of John Lennon, has resulted been the subject of numerous scientific studies, Salinger’s novel. in a persistent and heavy-handed monitoring some of which point to their inherent value and of the gaming industry. positive potential. This is nothing new. Politicians and the me- dia have always jumped on entertainment as I started this article with the story of Mark David No doubt everybody who reads this will have a convenient scapegoat for such tragedies. Chapman to illustrate three points: firstly, that witnessed the denigration of video games in Events like this understandably scare us, and all forms of entertainment have the potential to one form or another. Hell, you may even have we have an inherent need to explain away scary influence people in a negative way; secondly, conributed to it. These tirades typically take the that those who respond form of opinion pieces, or discussions between "All entertainment, if skilfully executed, has the adversely are primarily self-serving politicans and concerned parents potential to provoke powerful emotional and those with severe men- on various talk shows. However, while such intellectual responses in those that engage with tal illnesses; and thirdly, forums are certainly great places in which to that video games are raise concerns related to entertainment media, it it. 99 per cent of the time, such responses take the simply the current target must be remembered that it is scientific research form of tears or laughter. For a minute portion of such vilification. that determines the validity of these ideas, not of the population, however, they can result in far the ideas themselves. more serious outcomes." Every manifestation of enterntainment has In 30 years of gaming, research conducted by ideas. If we were honest with ourselves, careful been scrutinised in order to determine the effects reputable scientific figures and reviewed by au- consideration of the question would likely lead it may have on us. Even the basic written word, thorities such as the US Supreme Court, the US us to re-examine almost every aspect of our which marked our ascent as a civilised species, Surgeon General and the Federal Communications existence, from the way we raise our families to was closely analysed by the Commission has so far failed the way we structure our very society. We aren’t greatest thinkers of the time: "Every manifestation to confirm a link between interested, however, in these sorts of difficult Socrates once warned that of enterntainment has video games and violence. solutions; instead, we happily accept the answer “this discovery of yours will A wealth of inquiry has led offered to us by the media, and blame the books create forgetfulness in the been scrutinised in to this conclusion, and yet we read, the movies we watch, and, most often, learners’ souls, because they order to determine paranoia around the perni- the games we play. will not use their memories; the effects it may have cious effects of this form of they will trust to the external on us. Even the basic entertainment persists. In her book Do Video Games Kill?, sociologist written characters and not Karen Sternheimer concludes that “by focus- remember of themselves.” written word, which In “The Public Health Risks ing so heavily on video games, news reports Video games are currently in marked our ascent as a of Media Violence: A Meta- downplay the broader social contexts. While their infancy, and it is during civilised species, was Analytic Review,” published a handful of articles note the roles that guns, this stage that we will discov- in the Journal of Paediatrics, poverty, families, and the organisation of schools er exactly how they affect us closely analysed by the Christopher Ferguson and may play in youth violence in general, when re- and what future effect they greatest thinkers of John Kimburn argue that porters mention research to explain the shooters’ may have. the time." “analysis does not find behaviour, the vast majority of studies cited support for either a causal concern media effects.” The question that really needs asking is whether or correlational link between violent media video games are adversley influencing us in and subsequent aggression in viewers.” They Being the games editor of this illustrious mag- ways that other forms of entertainment are not. conclude that “why the belief of media violence azine and an avid game enthusiast in general, In other words, is the violence portrayed in many effects persists despite inherent weaknesses it is the media’s treatment of video games modern games making gamers themselves of research is somewhat of an open question.” that interests me most. In the 30 years since violent? This debate has flared on a number video games first became popoular, the me- of occassions, most notably in 1999 (when the On the contrary, analysis has found that “vio- dium has been subjected to to almost every Columbine High School massacre was blamed on lent crime, particularly among the young, has form of scrutiny possible, and while most of the game Doom) and 2011 (when Anders Breivik, decreased dramatically since the early 1990s. this scrutiny is fair, much of it is prejudiced. the man responsible for the Oslo attacks, claimed During the same period of time, video games Additionally, much of the criticism directed at that he had trained by playing Call of Duty). On have steadily increased in popularity and use, video games is prompted by the misadventures both of these occassions, video game violence exactly the opposite of what one would expect
22 | Issue 22 | Critic Gaming and violence FEATURE
“violent crime, particularly among the young, has decreased dramatically since the various galaxies, hereby outsourcing the enemy cancer cells. Not only is the game an data analysis that is unable to be done enjoyable distraction, it also helps these children early 1990s. During the same period of time, by computers. to gain a sense of contol over their condition. video games have steadily increased in popularity and use, exactly the opposite More important than the benefts video Of course, opinions are mixed as to whether it is of what one would expect if there were games can have for society as a whole, possible to “think yourself better,” but it certainly a causal link.” however, are the benefits they can have doesn’t do any harm to try. The greatest role such for us as individuals. Current research games play, however, is in making the pain of indicates that many gamers become cancer manageable, not just for children but for if there were a causal link.” It is a big call to say more proficient at performing a range of tasks. all sufferers of the disease. In a study conducted that video games make people less violent, but A study conducted at the University of Rochester by Wheeling Jesuit University, participants were research published last month in the Journal of and published in Current Biology found that asked to submerge one hand in ice water. One Youth and Adolescence suggests that this may the reflexes of gamers who played fast-paced group played video games whilst doing so; the in fact be the case. games were, on average, 25 per cent faster than other half did not. Interestingly, the former group the non-gaming control group, with each group lasted markedly longer. The study suggests that Clinical psychologist Dr Ferguson, based at demostrating an equal level of accuracy. games “are more than a distraction – that the Stetson University in Florida, studied 377 children patient experiences physiological changes as a who were suffering from some form of elevated The potential advantages of this for everyday result of using the system. … Games may have attention deficit or depressive symptoms to see life are obvious, especially when it comes to an analgesic influence and may impact how the if violent video games made them more an- dangerous tasks such as driving. However, these brain responds to painful stimuli.” gry or aggressive. No doubt he expected that results also have implications for a number of these games would have an adverse impact professional fields, particualrly those requiring When researching this article, I was met with a on these children. However, his results showed acute motor skills. A study carried out by the wealth of scientific studies that refute any claim the opposite, and suggested that in many cas- Beth Israel Medical Centre in New York found that that video games are linked to violent tenden- es “playing the violent games was cathartic, surgeons who played more than three hours of cies in gamers. More surprising, however, was helping to reduce their aggressive tendencies video games a week “made 47 per cent fewer the number of studies indicating the positive and bullying behaviour.” errors, performed 39 per cent faster and scored potential of many games. Trust me – I have 41 per cent better on the overall ‘Top Gun’ score.” left a huge amount of great research out of this This sounds ludicrous, but an explanation may I don’t know about you, but I sure as hell want a piece, including some that indicates that casual be found in displacement theory. Displacement gamer performing my surgeries. games may be as effective a cure for depression theory recommends substituting a socially un- as medication. acceptable action with one that channels the "surgeons who played more release of similar emotions but is more widely than three hours of video As demonstrated by Mark David Chapman and accepted. Common examples include athletic games a week ‘made 47 per cent the Oslo and Columbine massacres, entertain- exercises such as boxing, which are often recom- ment can have adverse effects on a tiny portion mended for people with anger issues. It makes fewer errors, performed 39 of the population. However, such violent acts sense that violent video games might work in per cent faster and scored 41 are nearly always the result of such individuals’ a similar way, acting as conduits through which per cent better on the overall mental states, and not a direct result of their people can vent their pent-up emotions without engagement with entertainment media. As Drs harming themselves or others. Top Gun score.’ I don’t know Cheryl Olson and Lawrence Kutner put it, “for about you, but I sure as hell most kids and most parents, the bottom-line More baffling than the fact that video games want a gamer performing results of our research can be summed up in a continue to be attacked despite the lack of ev- my surgeries." single word: relax.” idence regarding their negative effects is the fact that the wealth of research indicating their Playing video games also affects us psycho- So relax! Video games are not going to corrupt positive effects is largely ignored. The number of logically, and has the ability to both enhance your mind, nor the minds of your loved ones. improvements being made by gaming compa- our cognitive abilities and enable us to deal If anything, video games have the potential to nies is staggering; it seems that every possible with seemingly insurmountable situations. improve not only our brains and bodies, but our field is finding ways to capitalise on our desire For example, the game Re:Mission has been entire society. So go and pre-order GTA V – it’s to game. Video games are being designed to aid designed to help children with cancer deal with going to be badass. in scientific research. For example, Galaxy Zoo their illness: players take on the role of a white asks players to identify the shapes and types of blood cell, and aim to hunt down and destroy
Critic | Issue 22 | 23 FEATURE a noob’s journey a noob’s journey FEATURE
by Josie Adams After attempting CoD, World of Warcraft (WoW) because I was a girl and not because I spent my was a welcome relief, not least because we got to childhood in the real world? Every epic journey has a sit at desk-mounted PCs rather than the limbless beginning. Every great floor-chairs CoD required. I’d heard things about Baz told me that because I would likely not reach this game. Sad things; scary things; seductive a voice-chatting level, I should make my “ava- champion was once a things. A comforting hand was placed on my tar” as much like myself as possible so that the noob. But how would Josie shoulder: “Are you ready?” My eyes darted experience would be personalised. This is why I Adams, Critic’s resident floorward for a moment as I replied “no,” and chose to be a female and a Worgen, which is basi- gaming ignoramus, fare then I took a breath and clicked an ancient icon cally a werewolf: IRL I am surprisingly hairy, and in Call of Duty’s brutal of nerdery, and the log-in screen unfurled. have killed people with my teeth. Team Jacob! You can also choose which “class” your avatar domain, let alone the Before letting me create an account, though, I is – Shaman, Hunter, and Death Knight are just cutthroat environs of had to watch a trailer for The Mists of Pandaria. some of the options. I chose to be a rogue, which World of Warcraft? With This is the latest expansion of WoW, and is very Rob, a gaming connoisseur, would later tell me is a knowledgeable guide by obviously targeting a younger demographic. The a class dominated by “self-interested arseholes.” her side, Critic pitched trailer was basically Kung Fu Panda 3 and was Like they said, true to my real persona. I figured ridden with clichés (although having watched I’d use the same username I use for everything, Josie headfirst into the the rest of Blizzard’s trailers, this could be an Skuxslayer69. I was told, though, to “not be that world of online gaming, ongoing stylistic issue). I did not sign up to person,” and instead I am Braemblers. and thereby ruined play bamboo-jousting with a Happy Meal toy. I her week. wanted Runescape Plus. Maybe I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to appreciate gaming, thanks to several tortuous Baz reassured me that I wouldn’t have to play as games of Monopoly, or maybe CoD is truly ter- efore I played Call of Duty (CoD) a panda. There’s no “what to expect when you’re rible. Taking a night off from The Board Game with people I actually knew, I expecting” guide for creating a WoW account: Without End, I enlisted a couple of guys for went to the Gamerz Lounge with whatever you spawn will be the embodiment an evening of Black Ops II. I honestly do not Baz, Critic’s Games Editor, who know how they’ve managed was to be my trainer. He played to make so many different first, so I could see what all the "The first round versions of CoD. Baz assures Bcontrols do. For the uneducated, an Xbox con- me the campaign narratives, troller has two twirly handles, or “joysticks,” to I died a lot, and it when played out to the end, use the technical term. One of them moves the are emotionally stirring and screen around, and the other one moves your sucked. fulfilling, but the vast major- character. Both must be employed in order to ity of players only play “team move with maximum effectiveness. The front The second round I deathmatches” and “free-for- left button zooms in, and the right front button alls,” so I’m not sure why shoots. The blue button is “reload” (and also died a lot again, and they bother re-releasing five “respawn,” which is what I had to use it as more hundred versions of Twenty frequently). The red button is crouch. I thought it sucked." Arenas You Can Die In. these two buttons were in each other’s places, and kept accidentally crouching when I was of some dark part of your soul, and it’s for this I am incapable of doing most things for extended trying to respawn; the lounge had to cope with reason that creating your character is one of the periods of time, and my attention span is even me verbally abusing their property for “not let- most intimidating parts of WoW (that, or it could further limited when the thing I’m doing is as ting me run.” I now see that this was my bad. have been Baz repeating the phrase “so poi- monotonous as CoD deathmatches are. The first Everyone I spoke to assured me that learning gnant” quietly next to me). Choosing my gender round I died a lot, and it sucked. The second the controls was the hardest part – once I had it was the hardest decision I’ve had to make: did I round I died a lot again, and it sucked. The third down, “in a couple of weeks,” I could start being want to experience life as a male? Or did I want round I managed to kill a few people. By halfway good. Well, I had five days, and it was time to get to be a strong, independent woman? What if I through the fourth round, the glee I’d first felt at acquainted with the next game. was bad at the game, and people thought it was not being completely useless had worn off, and I
Critic | Issue 22 | 25 FEATURE a noob’s journey
after my “research.” after the other, there’s some variation in where and how you die. Different “classes” have different roles: Warriors and Death Knights are “tanks,” The Black Ops II campaign is apparently set in which means they can take a lot of damage, the year 2025, even though for some reason the whereas Priests and Shamans are healers and beginning suggests that you (David Mason) were launch attacks from a distance. Rogues are an adult during African Jungle Communist Wars listed only as “melee damage dealers,” which of the 1980s. Oh no, hang on – the answer is not means we do shit-all teamwork and a lot of that you’re a perma-forty-year-old, it’s that the pickpocketing. We are the Invisible Men. Rogue gnomes, Rob told me, are the ultimate in WoW "I followed Arten, douchebaggery. They sneak up and attack using my sneakiness your knees; you never see them coming. What Azeroth didn’t see coming was me, a noob who to jump out at Worgens immediately became one of the most hated he’d nearly killed and members of WoW: a kill-thief. strike the final blow. The city of Gilneas was under attack by Worgen I snatched four more and all within it were destined for a life of wolf- dom. I had a quest: to kill six of the beasts I dying beasts from would become. Yeah, WoW is dark as hell. I was under his nose. It was hacking away at a Worgen when out of nowhere something flew over and smashed into it. It fell satisfying and easy. As down dead, but my kill number did not go up. a reward for my kill found myself going through the point-and-shoot Some douchebag hunter and his pet dog ran over motions with a glazed look on my face and a and looted the corpse that was rightfully mine. numbers, I was given a brewing case of cramps. wolf-fur cloak." I couldn’t believe it. I demanded that Baz explain I kept playing for an hour in the hopes of redis- this outrage to me; “Arten” and his mutt had first sequence of the campaign actually involves covering that peak I’d experienced around the stolen my kill. It was then that I truly became The David’s father, Alex. I had to Google that infor- twenty-fifth minute, but this game was doing Rogue. I followed Arten, using my sneakiness to mation, because the electro-shock torture scene more than sapping my will to live; this game jump out at Worgens he’d nearly killed and strike the campaign starts with didn’t make this infor- nearly ruined my relationship. My boyfriend the final blow. I snatched four more dying beasts mation clear. It was emotionally stirring, though. called me “quitter” and “annoying,” and said from under his nose. It was satisfying and easy. Now, in 2025, Alex’s old nemesis Menendez is I’d thrown the controller in a fit of rage, which As a reward for my kill numbers, I was given orchestrating cyberterrorism! David must take up was a blatant lie. When I called him out on this a wolf-fur cloak. I still possessed this when, the reigns and defeat this foreigner, just like his he became even more outraged, accusing me of ten minutes later, I became my wolf form, an dad before him. Understanding the background, breaking our pact to always back up each others’ experience I found to be a near-maximum level however, did not alleviate the boredom that was lies. I packed up my stuff and told him I was of creepy. I needed to quit for the day. a ten-second loop of Angolan yelling (I didn’t leaving because I needed “some time to myself.” make it to David’s part of the game). Time, that is, to secretly work on what I hoped I set the PS3 up at my house and embarked was a lacking gamer skillset and not a fresh- solo on the campaign mode, which I figured In campaign mode, the exact same people do the ly-cemented hatred of first-person shooters. would teach me things incrementally rather exact same things whenever you respawn, which than placing me in the Hunger Games-esque in my case was about once every forty seconds. Before I tried CoD again, though, I needed a quick situation that is popular CoD. As well as teaching I’m sure that once you’re good at shooting things, fix of a lil’ somethin’ else: I snuggled up in bed me mad skillz, I expected that the campaign moving through the campaign is much less bor- and installed WoW on my home computer. “Don’t would have a storyline that would keep me from ing, and the online games would be better too: do it,” Baz had told me, “it’ll take up all your hard growing bored … but it didn’t. Because I’m bad, watching Baz play on Day One had been far more drive. You’ll develop an addiction.” He’d seen in I had to replay the same scenes over and over. enjoyable than dying over and over and lying to my eyes that I’d be RPing as a Worgen for years At least when you’re playing deathmatches one myself that I was “doing really well.”
26 | Issue 22 | Critic a noob’s journey FEATURE
I asked the experts what was so appealing about a repetitive FPS aurally dominated by shrill Australian twelve-year-olds screaming “one v one me, c*nt!”
a very casual gamer before being introduced to my avatar’s ass. Like keep to like, and some FPSs, it had taken nearly a month to become a even welcome newbies for a reason not listed on The key to CoD is knowing how to use the con- decent player. Blizzard’s website: WoW is losing players. They troller. In theory, I had this down: I could make needed me, and they might need you. my player do any move yelled at me, albeit very This information wasn’t a surprise to me after slowly. I thought I’d have been at least average my experience, but would probably shock on- WoW, everyone had told me, was far more social within a few days, but Baz’s warning that it can line reviewers who lauded the game as being than CoD. I definitely saw the truth in this, as my take two weeks to fully master the controls was “noob-friendly” with a “shallow learning curve.” CoD player interactions were limited to the dis- true. There was no way I was going to go through I readily admitted that it might have been a shal- eased coughing of adolescents and swear words. a fortnight of extreme anger, disappointment, low learning curve for someone with previous For a starter, though, WoW isn’t very social. I and boredom just for the glory of being able to gaming experience, but for a total noob it was was unable to “whisper” or type messages, but fully appreciate some graphic headshots. deeper than Eat Pray Love. could applaud and dance. I was hesitant to use either of these moves in front of other players Those who have mastered the motions of What about WoW? Was that considered because I only ever wanted to interact in order CoD really enjoy it; there are millions of them. noob-friendly? Strangely, no. Blizzard re- to hurl insults at them; possibly a side effect of Realising there was no way I could reach their leased World of Warcraft, possibly the world’s my time playing CoD. level by the next day, I asked the experts what most famous massively multiplayer online was so appealing about a repetitive FPS aurally role-playing game (MMORPG), in 2004. WoW I could see the appeal in both of these games, but dominated by shrill Australian twelve-year-olds costs about US$14 per month to play, but there’s only for someone who already had skill. I could screaming “one v one me, c*nt!” “It’s hard to a free “starters” edition that you can play for go through another month of raging against the give you an answer for that,” acknowledged an unlimited amount of time – you just can’t machine to find out how great the games were, or Rob, “there are better alternatives for the genre.” get above level 20. This year, there are about I could just ask. “Well,” sighed my buddy the tank, seven million monthly subscribers. That means when asked if CoD and WoW were all they were Part of the appeal, I proposed, could come from they pay. Every month. These people are all cracked up to be (from the perspective of some- finally mastering the gameplay: “getting good” above level 20, and I had dropped myself into one with actual talent), “they’re no Minecraft.” was a stage everyone I spoke to brought up, their world. possibly because I was desperately asking how much more pain I’d have to go through. I’d been warned about WoW culture because of its I accosted one player to find out how she got age: many players were left over from the early, good: “it took me about six hours of straight “vanilla” WoW, or at least the early expansions, playing to get average,” said Critic intern Josie and could be elitist or rude to new players. Baz C, before she was forced to return her focus to a assured me, though, that in the early stages of game of Monopoly. Another CoD fan, Shariya, the game I wasn’t likely to have a level 85 Orc admitted that as someone who had only been Death Knight jump out from a tree and shank
Critic | Issue 22 | 27 FEATURE Monopoly Monopoly FEATURE
by tristan keillor
erds like video games, money, whatever I landed on I got to buy, and With no real options regarding play, the game everybody likes drink- the whole time I could pretend I was a shoe. quickly deteriorated from a tactical battle to ing games, and nobody Eventually, this turned out to be the sole positive scams and shouting. Money was sucked into likes board games. I aspect of the game; everything else came down paying the bank for land and houses, but not wish that sentence to chance and cheating. enough came out of the bank in return. People had come naturally, started to go bankrupt, with only the organiser but it’s taken a week to blame and the winner to bargain with. My girl- of Facebook rejections, face-to-face rejections friend was the first to go, and she left with a sigh Nand people “losing their phone” to teach me of relief. Oddly, she never suggested quitting; in that no matter how much beer is on offer, it’s a classic Prisoners’ Dilemma, nobody said they not worth playing board games for. were bored for fear of ruining the others’ fun.
Oddly, whenever someone did reply to an in- The game seemed a lot like Lotto: the one player vitation, they’d say “it’s called a ‘board game’ above the poverty line was a shining example because it makes us bored.” I’ll never under- of wealth, and we all desperately waited for a stand how someone can find that dribble of a Players have a variety of possible actions per chance card that would make us richer and them pun entertaining and yet not be entertained turn – you can buy a property, pay rent or do poorer. Just like with Lotto, though, our money by games that are specifically designed to en- as a community chest card dictates. All of these disappeared far more often than it multiplied. tertain. Monopoly’s moored in the mainstream, actions, however, are totally dictated by the dice. The regular awarding of $200 for passing GO so I figured it must be been doing something The only option you can choose at any point is also made the chance cards more and more right in order to avoid sinking. As is turns out, whether to upgrade properties. Speedy upgrades meaningless. Turning the game around seemed this is a game that only exists because of its make your property the biggest earner on the less and less likely. creators’ penchant for crime, conspiracy and board – others often don’t have the income to pay general cuntiness. rent, and are thus forced into bitter bankruptcy. In the end, it came down to just me and my cous- Upgrading can potentially be strategic – you in, and there was only a $300 difference in capital To start my research I managed to rope my girl- have to balance building costs against what between us. The other players had given me their friend, cousin and colleague into a Monopoly promises to yield the greatest income – but properties as they died, but this turned out to match. They were all my close friends and the the advantages to upgrading are so obvious be a curse. We each upgraded all our properties only people to RSVP, but it seemed that after that players tend to do so as soon as they have to hotels in an attempt to bankrupt each other, picking pieces they each developed new per- enough money. Sadly, instead of blaming mis- but our assets were so evenly matched that the sonalities. The first few moments of the game fortune for their lack of funds, the players doing money simply circulated, with the constant $200 were fantastic: people were handing out colourful poorly blamed me. A terrible time ensued. for passing GO making rent seem like pennies.
Critic | Issue 22 | 29 FEATURE Monopoly
I suggested a tie but my cousin refused; he’d designed to promote Marxism as the medicine refusing to allow other companies to print the taken it upon himself to punish me for ever for capitalism’s cancer, but that’s only a half game without a Parker Brothers patent. suggesting Monopoly. truth. As copies of the Landlords game were passed around, it evolved rapidly: half-forgotten Parker Brothers also embarked on a mission Eventually, I decided to cheat. Unlike in any other rules mutated into new ones, unimportant rules to buy out any smaller companies’ games that game, I couldn’t just give up by being bad – there were omitted and crappy rules were changed. were in any way similar. First up was Lizzie was nothing to be bad at. Luckily for me, my Through a process similar to natural selection, McGee’s copy of Landlords. As every subse- opponent had flaunted his wealth by stacking the game gained a satirical Stalinesque spin quent finance-related game had sprung from every bill into a pyramid, and by a stroke of luck and became the Grand Theft Auto of its time. It Landlords, only McGee could claim a real patent. this small pile was positioned by the fireplace. I was eventually patented, but by this stage the McGee, by this stage, was an elderly woman wasn’t particularly upset about never being able passage of twenty years had seen the game devoted to the idea that only land should be to use the Monopoly set again. progress dramatically into a simple stylistic taxed. Parker Brothers offered to buy McGee out, variant of what was slowly becoming known but when they told her their plans to produce As it turns out, however, cheating is just as much as Monopoly. Monopoly instead of Landlords, she refused – a part of Monopoly as playing. It turns out that she’d designed Landlords to educate people the game isn’t popular just because it goes on about taxation, and changing the rules would forever and is exceptionally boring, but rather compromise that message. because the so-called “creator” of Monopoly himself cheated. This, however, proved to be no deterrent: McGee was an old lady, and it was not hard for Parker *** Brothers to trick her into believing that they would mass-produce Landlords alongside The least scandalous facet of Monopoly’s history Monopoly. Buying the rights for only $500, the is the fact that it is based on (read: a total rip-off Landlords game was given a tiny run and never of) a board game called Landlords, created by mentioned again. From here, Parker Brothers Lizzie McGee. Basing games on other games is tracked down any remaining copies, buying nothing new: Landlords is itself based on two leftover boards for $50 each. millennia worth of roll-and-move games like Parker Brothers promote a different story about Candy Land and Snakes & Ladders. What made Monopoly’s origins – the story of Charles Darrow. *** Landlords different was that it was the first Darrow was a typical “rags to riches” case: a game based on the idea of buying properties victim of the Great Depression, he supposedly These seem like wild allegations, and like all wild with money while completing laps of a track. invented the game to feed his pregnant wife and allegations, they have a fantastic backstory. In child in 1932. Parker Brothers originally refused this case, it is the story of Anti-Monopoly. Anti- Such additions are common in board games to buy the game, pinpointing 52 fatal flaws, but Monopoly was the brainchild of Ralph Anspach, today, but when Landlords was invented in 1905 Darrow stuck by “his creation” until 1935, by an economics professor and ex-Israeli militant it was the first development of roll-and-move which time he’d managed to sell over 5,000 whose greatest claim to fame is having authored games since Egyptian times. The game had far copies of the game. Parker Brothers then changed The Billion Dollar Monopoly Swindle, a book more stylistic elements than Monopoly, too: the their minds and bought him out, and just like detailing a six-year court case against Parker train stations acted like teleporters from place a character in the game he was propelled into Brothers and the detective work that went into to place, free parking was actually a tax haven, sudden prosperity. Darrow was now the creator it. Anti-Monopoly is an asymmetrical game in and you only went around the board five times of history’s highest-earning board game, but just which one player attempts to lose all of their before your money was counted and a winner like one of its characters, he’d stolen to get there. money while the other tries to gain it. The game announced. In terms of innovation, teaching is shit, but Parker Brothers still went after it. someone Landlords was like showing up in 1980 A month after they brought the patent, Parker Anspach was told to stop producing his game, with a PS3. Its greatest feature, however, was the Brothers sent a letter to Darrow explaining that and 40,000 copies were destroyed. Unfortunately fact that it was not patented. they had just been informed of the true history for Parker Brothers, Anspach wasn’t prepared of the game. Though they could have pulled to back down. Researching everyone who had Landlords was passed from house to house on the plug, Monopoly was their biggest earner played the game before the patent was intro- handmade boards with hastily remembered and, being near bankruptcy, not a game they duced in 1932, he eventually found a number of rules spread by word of mouth, and eventually wanted to lose. Instead, they sent another letter intact copies owned by McGee’s contemporaries, ended up in the hands of angst-ridden Arts to Darrow asking him to stick to his original as well as a number of people who could testify majors. We’ve all heard that Monopoly was story. They then drew a line through the past, to having been bribed by the company.
30 | Issue 22 | Critic Monopoly FEATURE
The case ended up in the Supreme Court, with Finance was popular because whose turn it pay top dollar in an attempt to bankrupt them more scandals being uncovered in the process. was didn’t matter. Turns only determined what always entailed the risk of being stuck with the For instance, Milton Bradley, the producers property would go up for auction and who would property yourself. of Candy Land and Twister, knew all about pay rent next. Instead of only playing the game Monopoly’s secret and had been producing a when it was your roll, you were playing all the As much as I wanted this game to be exciting, similar game – Easy Money – for years. The time. What’s more, you weren’t just doing what a the fact that it was designed during the Great evidence against Parker Brothers was startling, die told you; you were choosing when and what Depression (when people had a lot more time with much of it immortalised on the board itself. to bid. As such, the game was actually enjoy- and got a thrill just from looking at money) was In standard American versions of the game, for able. On top of all of this, Finance never lasted obvious. People were going bankrupt on the instance, the streets are based on Atlantic City, long – people inevitably over-bid for properties fourth or fifth rounds, but the bidding was so the original home of the Quaker people from and quickly went bankrupt. By patenting the time-consuming that first two rounds dragged whom Darrow stole the idea. Unfortunately for children’s version of Monopoly, Parker Brothers out into hour-long ordeals. While the game was Darrow, the Quakers had misspelled Atlantic essentially ensured that the game would be a shorter than regular Monopoly, it was still far City’s Marvin Gardens as Marven Gardens – a never-ending torture session for anyone over longer than anything I was prepared to play. mistake he copied exactly. the age of 12. We managed to fix this by introducing silent bidding, which made the game both faster and *** more strategic. By the end there was once again a clear winner, but instead of throwing their Once I knew why Monopoly was crap, it was money in the fire I simply bid all of my money easy to get the gang back together for another on Old Kent Road. game. Parker Brothers could monopolise the Monopoly industry, but they were powerless in It soon became clear that these games were far our homes. We were going to play the outlawed more fun than standard Monopoly. Before Parker and suppressed versions. Brothers patented the game, the rules were fluid and open to adjustment; today, we are stuck with We started with Landlords, but because it was the kiddies’ version. Regular Monopoly has made What’s more, it soon came out that every game designed to educated players about land taxation us all hate board games, but perhaps our ability Parker Brothers had attributed to Darrow actually we quickly agreed that it sucked. Players still had to alter it affords it some potential. Breaking had nothing to do with him, but were simply minimal control over their actions, and with only the rules not only adds to the excitement of desperate attempts to capitalise on Monopoly’s five trips around the board the game, but also success. However, none of this can be seen as the it was clear that nobody allows us to adapt worst thing that Parker Brothers did to Monopoly. would earn much from it to fit any num- That award must go to their destruction of the properties. Consequently, ber of situations. original, short game that was plagued by none we tweaked the game We can adjust of the faults that started this feature. slightly by halving our Monopoly to be money, meaning that whatever we want One of the many board games that Parker these tiny profits became it to be, whether Brothers bought and crushed was Finance – an comparatively huge. On top that’s a roll-and- auction-style game that was actually good! The of this we added 20- and 10-sided dice, allowing move game, an auction game, or even a drinking auction rule is another artifact of Monopoly’s players to choose whether to opt for the D20’s game. This makes it far more malleable than a history that has gotten rather lost along the way. higher numbers or the D10’s greater certainty. video game. What board games lack in faces to Official Monopoly actually includes a seldom-re- Suddenly the game got highly strategic: what shoot they gain in flexibility – you can create membered rule detailing that if a player lands on die to use became the central question, with a game without having to code and test it out a property but elects not to buy it, then it is put everyone weighing up the benefits of getting to instantly. Sure, Monopoly may suck, but there’s up for auction. In practice, this never happens Mayfair ASAP against the risk of wasting their much more to the game than just the rules. – people rarely pass on the opportunity to buy five trips around the board. anything. The Quakers that Darrow stumbled across had added the rule allowing players to The second game we played was Finance, the buy property because their kids were crap at auction game that Monopoly suppressed. Here bidding and didn’t like loud noises. Darrow, in we started with only $1,000 and the ability to other words, patented the children’s version of bid on any property. The bidding was amazing: the game. forcing someone who wanted a property to
Critic | Issue 22 | 31 FEATURE bronies bronies FEATURE
The Mysterious World of Bronies
by Thomas Raethel
In recent years, a bizarre new subculture has sprung up, based on fandom of the television series My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. Its predominantly male, adult membership call themselves bronies. But what do we really know about this group? Thomas Raethel investigated the subculture, and found a largely secretive group intent on writing its own story.
t was 1982. The Falklands War was show ironically and sharing their thoughts in Clopping is a phenomenon seldom reported by beginning, and Michael Jackson’s an objective manner. But objectivity soon gave the media. It appears to be quietly suppressed by Thriller was at the top of the way to subjectivity as the same critics began the far more vocal clique of bronies who claim to charts. American illustrator Bonnie to adopt monikers used in the show. Nobody not participate in such activities. In simple terms, Zacherle began to produce My Little became “nopony,” anybody became “anypony,” clopping involves masturbating to unofficial, PonyI, a range of rubber dolls marketed towards and everybody became “everypony.” sexualised images of the show’s characters. pre-pubescent girls throughout the United According to an internal study undertaken by States. Little could Zacherle have known that Bronies were quickly marginalised by other bronies themselves, 19.05 per cent of respon- 31 years later, her trademark would spawn a con- users of 4chan, and were effectively expelled dents engaged in clopping. Considering that a ference in Baltimore that would attract roughly from the community through word-filters and significant percentage of bronies are closeted, 8,000 attendees – primarily fully-grown men. moderators. Independent websites were estab- and taking into account the stigma attached to lished for these migratory proto-bronies, facil- such practices, it is fair to assume that the real 2013’s “BronyCon” was the third such annual itating a rapid expansion in numbers. Between “clopper” population is likely far larger. conference, and is unlikely to be the last. The May and August 2011, searches for “bronies” men and women who attended it identify them- on Google exploded. Bronydom transformed Most bronies, when asked, will identify with selves as “bronies” (a portmanteau of bro and from a fringe group on the oft-called “arsehole one of the main characters from the show on pony), and have come to epitomise the flurry of of the internet” to a fully-fledged subculture a deeply personal level. The main characters subcultures that have emerged in recent years virtually overnight. include Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, thanks to the dynamism of internet forums. Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Applejack, all of whose Bronies share their origins with a number of names suggest the mental age of the intend- The precise origins of My Little Pony fandom undesirable siblings. A prime example is the ed audience (with the possible exception of remain hazy. It has, however, been noted that “furry fandom.” In what can only be described Applejack, who shares her name with a potent increased interest in the brand coincided with as gentrified bestiality, “furries” participate in alcoholic beverage). Hasbro’s 2010 television revamp My Little sex acts while garbed in full length plush outfits Pony: Friendship Is Magic. Like many other designed to imitate various members of the An interesting development in the My Little subcultures considered perverse by much of animal kingdom. Many early bronies were con- Pony canon was the June 2013 release of a fea- the general public, bronydom has its roots in verts of fringe movements such as furry fandom: ture length film, Equestria Girls, in which the the infamous website 4chan.org. Initial con- they channelled cosplay and My Little Pony into ponies introduced in the television series are versations on 4chan in October 2010 largely sexual fetishes, which may help to explain the transported to a different world, manifesting as involved animation enthusiasts watching the development of practices such as “clopping.” (female) teenage humans. This rather extreme
Critic | Issue 22 | 33 FEATURE bronies
anthropomorphism echoes what has become a humour were subtly paired with animation to widespread practice in brony forums: humanis- make the content easily accessible to children. ing the My Little Pony characters. As such, some However, unlike in the case of My Little Pony: media outlets, including Slate magazine, have Friendship is Magic, the majority of adult view- accused the film’s creators of pandering to a ers were parents watching the films with their brony desire for sexualised My Little Pony media. children. The average modern brony, it should be noted, is a single, heterosexual Caucasian According to statistics on Google, a rapid interna- "The garish colours man in his early twenties. tionalisation of interest in bronydom is apparent. of My Little Pony: In a unpredictable twist, searches relating to In internal studies, bronies often cite the show’s bronies are rapidly gaining traction in Indonesia, Friendship is Magic artistic direction as the factor that draws them a country that is 87.2 per cent Muslim. It appears, are largely the result into bronydom. This differentiates My Little Pony therefore, that bronydom may transcend religion from the older animations that attracted adult (although a 2012 study revealed that 59.81 per of the show’s digital viewers. Whereas the older Disney films (and cent of brony respondents in the United States origins in Adobe Flash. even the original 1980s series of My Little Pony) consider themselves either atheist or agnostic). were nuanced and subtle, the garish colours of This could help explain My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic are largely New Zealand has not escaped the brony phe- the show’s appeal: the result of the show’s digital origins in Adobe nomenon. No research has been done into the Flash. This could help explain the show’s appeal: subculture’s development here, but an indica- adults on internet adults on internet forums who have existing tion of its following can be gathered from the relationships with amateur, Flash-animated largest New Zealand brony Facebook group, forums who have productions are more likely to be bronies than NeighZealand. With 479 fans, the group is the existing relationships those who don’t. largest of a considerable cluster of similar pages, which total roughly 1,000 members. Many more with amateur, Flash- A surprising but inevitable development of the closeted brony New Zealanders probably exist, animated productions brony culture is the ever-increasing number of and it is possible that a sizeable minority choose “pegasisters” (yet another portmanteau, this to not use Facebook. are more likely to be time of Pegasus and sister). Totalling 11 per bronies than those cent of the brony population, these female fans A critical appointment in the show’s develop- remain a small minority. One explanation for ment was that of developer Lauren Faust, who who don’t." this may be that female fans do not experience had previously worked on the Cartoon Network’s the feeling of social irreverence in which many The Powerpuff Girls and Foster’s Home for male fans take pride; male bronies often derive Imaginary Friends and had played an integral a sense of satisfaction from their subversion of role 1990s “Disney Renaissance,” responsible for deeply rooted gender norms. films such as Hercules and The Little Mermaid. In each of these offerings, adult themes and
sept 1986: Timeline: The first television adaption of My Little Pony is released, and runs for two seasons until its cancellation a year later in September 1987.
late 2003: 4chan, the reluctant breeding ground for bronies, is founded.
10 October 2010:
1982: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Bonnie Zacharle conceives the My Little premieres, and proves to be an immediate Pony brand as a line of rubber toys success with its intended audience of resembling anthropomorphic ponies. female children.
34 | Issue 22 | Critic bronies FEATURE
"Celebrities accused on brony forums of closeted bronydom include wrestler John Cena, celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain, musician Weird al Yankovich, and even President Bill Clinton."
Celebrities accused on brony forums of closeted as Fox News. That aspect is thus largely ignored, bronydom include wrestler John Cena, celeb- and the majority of the documentary focuses rity chef Anthony Bourdain, musician Weird Endnote on socially inept individuals who perceive their al Yankovich, and even President Bill Clinton. bronydom to be a vital social lubricant. The film Whilst it is more likely that none of these men It should be noted that in the process of writing explores the international popularity of brony- are participants in the brony subculture, less this article, I found it difficult to locate studies dom, interviewing bronies from locations as prominent celebrities have been seen donning relating to My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic diverse as Manchester and Tel Aviv. Pony regalia openly in public, including music fandom that weren’t conducted by bronies them- producer deadmau5. selves. While it is reasonable that bronies show One of the principal researchers of bronydom interest in the demography and characteristics is Dr. Patrick Edwards. His website bronystudy. Bronies have justified their fixation by high- of their own subculture, accepting many claims com, formed with Dr Marsha H. Redden, serves lighting several key aspects of My Little Pony. made by brony researchers requires a certain as one of the more prominent outlets of brony The oft-quoted slogan “Love and Tolerance” is suspension of disbelief. For example, herdcen- academia. Studies relating to both bronies and one of many attempts to attach greater meaning sus.com has deduced that 4.0 to 6.8 per cent of non-bronies have been explored by Edwards. It to what is essentially still a children’s television the Internet-using US population “strongly iden- appears that few of his findings, however, have show. Unfortunately for bronies, the word “tol- tify” as bronies. This amounts to a population of been peer-reviewed by other psychologists. erance” has never once been uttered by any of between seven and 12.4 million. While the brony Vitally, Edwards’ son is a brony, and on the web- the characters. The slogan appears to be the subculture has grown rapidly in the three years site’s Frequently Asked Questions page Redden creation of adult fans who wish to impose their since its inception, an American followership admits that Edwards is “involved in other aspects social disenfranchisement onto the ethos of My two to three times that of New Zealand’s entire of the fandom.” Little Pony. populace is clearly exaggerated, undermining the credibility of websites like HerdCensus. Whether due to a widespread ambivalence In an age where any group of people from vir- towards My Little Pony fans or an intellectual tually any corner of the globe can converge in A documentary titled Bronies: The Extremely whitewash by determined bronies, conflicts of a digital medium, increasingly unlikely sub- Unexpected Adult Fans of My Little Pony interest have led to an ill-researched and yet cultures are beginning to emerge. Bronies are premiered on 4 November 2012 in Anaheim, rapidly growing subculture. one of many, but stand out in both number and California. I watched the film hoping to gather perplexity. It remains to be seen how long the some unbiased information, but from the out- culture’s popularity will last. Bronydom will set it was clear that the film is poorly shrouded likely be seen in the future as an extreme ex- propaganda. Criticism of the sexualisation of ample of the power of internet forums to facilitate the show is quickly written off as right-wing nascent subcultures. sensationalism supported by media outlets such
19 October 2010: 16 JUNE 2013: Amid Amidi pens “The End of the My Little Pony: Equestria Girls is released Creator-Driven Era in TV Animation,” an in theatres across the United States. article on cartoonbrew.com. It promptly Attendance well exceeds expectations, spikes the interests of animation buffs on and compensatory screenings take place 4chan’s /co/ board. Interestingly, the ar- to cope with demand. ticle attracts negative attention regarding febuary 2012: the creative side of My Little Pony. 4chan 2 AUGUST 2013: is soon inundated with posts regarding A /mlp/ board is established on 4chan BronyCon 2013 is held in Baltimore – the the show, and many proto-bronies are to cater exclusively to My Little Pony: first conference to be held outside of New promptly banned. Friendship is Magic enthusiasts. York City – and attracts roughly 8,400 attendees, sparking an unprecedented 4 NOVEMBER 2012: 21 june 2011: degree of media coverage. The first BronyCon is held in midtown Bronies: The Extremely Unexpected Adult Manhattan, with around 100 attendees. Fans of My Little Pony is premiered at the Anaheim Convention Centre in California.
Critic | Issue 22 | 35 CULTURE DATING
Love is Blind ritic’s infamous blind date column brings you weekly shutdowns, hilariously mismatched pairs, and the occasional hookup. Each week, we lure two singletons Cand ply them with alcohol and food (in that order), then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. if this sounds like you, email [email protected] or FB message us. But be warned – if you dine on the free food and dash without sending us a write- up, a Critic writer will write one under your name. And that won’t end well for you.
Finn Rachel
y flatmates dobbed me in for the date but I was ready to make hroughout my time at Otago I’ve been told I’m somewhat of a the most of it after some sneaky warm-up shots at home. hermit, which is probably why I’ve often struggled with boyfriends. M The best way to describe my date is “hot nerd.” She seemed T So, as I neared the end of my final year here, I decided to throw my shy at first, blushing behind her curly blondish (?) hair and what I presumed hat in the ring for Critic’s blind date. I hadn’t read the magazine much were hipster-ironic-but-worn-totally-seriously oversized glasses. Her but I knew the dates were popular and sometimes ended up with very body was wicked, though, and she lit up quite quickly – turns out she was interesting nights being had. a really good lass to hang out with. I was hoping for a sweetheart but couldn’t help smiling at the Scarfie She was really interested in my rugby team (I had been at training boy that fate presented me with. He was muscular, poorly dressed and just before coming to the date) and we talked heaps about how long it kept talking about what “the lads” had been up to, but he was nice overall would take for Otago to lose the Ranfurly Shield again, which was totally and we managed to find a mutual interest: our respective summer driving unexpected chat. The alcohol seemed to work pretty efficiently on her, so tours up and down the country. I snuck some of her bottle into my glass when she went to the bathroom The food was really good, and after getting through a good portion (probably to text her friends or some shit like that). of my wine bottle I was feeling quite tipsy. I was having a lot of fun – my We decided to go and get a drink after dinner, and in a surprising – but date was laughing and keeping up with conversation – and so, nearing certainly not unpleasant turn – she became really affectionate and cuddly. the end of the meal, I gave him the rest of my wine – I could see he would I had consigned myself early on to the fact that this girl, while fun, probably probably handle it better than me. wouldn’t be the root I was hoping for, but her friendliness quickly caused Not quite ready to part after dinner we went out for a nightcap, and me to reevaluate the situation. although a woman never tells, I must confess that he got my lubrication I must have seemed like such a douche, but I actually asked her back going. We cuddled up together at the bar for a while and I felt almost too to mine for coffee. I had seen it in some really alty movies and thought she enthusiastic when he asked whether we should go back to one of our own would appreciate the quote, but I regretted it the moment I heard it come places for another drink. out. She just laughed and agreed. Now, let’s just say that there was only one thing I ended up drinking I tried to slowly flirt her into bed but she was two steps ahead of me after that, and I didn’t exactly wake up to my usual alarm. Sure, he wasn’t and immediately asked where my room was. exactly the type of guy I would normally go for, but as Zooey Deschanel Alas, brewers’ droop attacked in one fell swoop. Thankfully, she quickly said in 500 Days of Summer, “it was goooood.” appraised the situation and my fears were alleviated as she resuscitated You only live once and I’ve ticked off the Scarfie box now. My years me with her mouth. We’ve all heard stories about nerds’ unexpected here were good! sexual prowess, and she didn’t disappoint. We went at it for ages … and then again in the morning.
36 | Issue 22 | Critic TRAVEL CULTURE
Olveston
By PHOEBE HARROP
espite having the slightly cringe slogan noveau riche with exotic nick-knacks and cut- Theomin died, leaving his daughter the property. “Visit yesterday today!” Olveston – a ting edge devices from all over the world. His The coolest thing about the place is the fourth D historic home perched halfway up the extensive travels – to China, Japan, the United floor annexe (once the servants’ quarters), which hill overlooking Dunedin – is quite the local States and Europe – and eye for souvenirs have is rented out as a flat to post-grad students (of gem, and definitely worth venturing out of the left Olveston studded with a veritable trove of good character, naturally) who keep an eye on ghetto to see. With over 30,000 visitors a year treasures. An impressive set of Samurai swords the place in exchange for free rent. (coincidentally, this is around the same number in the entrance way? Check. A Steinway grand Think of it as a nearby Larnach Castle, sans of Americans who illegally visit Cuba annually), piano in the sitting room? Check. Original paint- supposed ghosts but with a friendlier admis- Olveston attracts locals and retiree cruise ship ings by Charles Goldie and Francis Hodgkins, sion price ($14.50 for students, which includes passengers alike. a 17th-century Spanish tapestry, and a full- a guided tour). Enjoy. Built between 1905 and 1906 by the sized billiards table? Sure, why not. Oh, and Mr Theomins, a filthy rich Dunedin family origi- Theomin had an obvious penchant for timepiec- Get there: on foot. Olveston is on Royal nally of German Jewish origin, Olveston was, in es – there’s a rather impressive St. Ives grand- Terrace – huff and puff your way up Pitt Street its heyday, a real life Downton Abbey. A butler, father clock which just chills on the beautiful from the Knox Church corner to get there. chauffeur, gardener and multiple live-in maids wooden staircase (itself shipped in parts from Do: check out the beautifully restored 1921 serviced the Theomins’ every need. Like char- England and assembled on-site, fitting together Fiat 510 Tourer in the garage. David Theomin acters from a game of Antipodean Cluedo, they like a puzzle without glue or nails) and features a gifted it to his chauffeur on his deathbed but it bustled around rooms such as the Library, the sailing ship-shaped second hand that has been subsequently disappeared, only being discov- Card Room, the Billiard Room, the Great Hall, the ticking backwards and forwards for 300 years. ered in 1994 in a Central Otago shed. Vesitbule, the Scullery and the Butler’s Pantry. When Dorothy Theomin, a strapping, moun- Don’t: miss the splendid publication Eating While the plebs in surrounding Dunedin remained tain-scaling lass who never married (although Without Fears on the kitchen bench – “One would without electric lighting, Olveston was built with she did keep a “secretary companion” in quar- think it almost unnecessary to give a recipe for its own electricity generator and even has central ters onsite … hmmm) died in 1966, she left the making tea. And yet one gets such remarkably heating, as well as a snazzy servant calling sys- home and its vast array of rare and valuable bad tea as a rule, that I am going to give instruc- tem with buttons throughout the house. fixings to the city of Dunedin. The house has tions regardless of criticism.” The head of the household, David Theomin, been beautifully maintained and has barely Eat: up the hill at Spelt Bakery on Highgate. made his fortune supplying Dunedin’s gold-rush changed since 1933, the year in which David They have cronuts!
Critic | Issue 22 | 37 38 |Issue 22|Critic and start your studies in 2014! in studies your start and – degree your cross-crediting Talk about now us to your degree international recognition! gives This Alliance. Engineering International the of Accord Sydney the under accredited provisionally is degree Our and implementation and management, contract management. critical thinking, problem-solving, project engineering design You’ll gain skills in management, economics, communications, workplace. the within experience to gain order in project industry-based an in you’ll participate three year In application of modern technology in an area of specialisation. You’ll develop an understanding of the principles and practical Majors: Mechanical, Electrical or Civil Engineering Technology ofBachelor Engineering professional practice? technology engineering Interested in career a pursuing in MegaphonenZ IsInDune DIn Facebook:www.megaphonenz.com MegaphoneNZ [email protected] 3pm - 26 Hanover Street 7pm Then from daily 10am-6pmfor Three weeks only www.op.ac.nz 786 762 0800 Come checkusout, GoodBargains instore While stock Lasts through O pening Tuesday 10th September
J01488 or visitourwebsite at www.zenithtechnology.co.nz to register your interest Zenith Technologyon our recruitment administrators by phoneoremail: information regarding oneof you further wouldthisstudyplease contact If like DO YOU HAVE ECZEMA dermatitis, whichisresponsive to steroid treatment, theymust you are required to applythestudymedication dailyat home We for are maleandfemale looking volunteers for scalp Participants musthave moderate to severe scalpeczema or The studiesrunfor upto 3weeks following enrolment and be at least18years ofageandanon-smoker(for at least6 This studyhasbeenapproved by theLower Regional Ethics Committee South OR DERMATITIS? Zenith Technology Corp. Ltd, 156Frederick St, Dunedin Zenith Technology •Established for over 20years inthefieldofclinical studies eczema ordermatitis studies. clinical and analytical laboratory services to theinternational community as well asat Zenith once aweek. Clinical Investigator: DrNoelynHung, You compensated willbe foryour 0800 8982,[email protected], time, inconvenience andtravel. Zenith Technology Corporation LTD 156 Frederick St•POBox 1777•Dunedin9054New Zealand months). Charlotte Doyle | ART Editor | [email protected] ART CULTURE
Hate Modern Art If You Want To
n recent years, the concept of “art” has (rejected) submission to the prestigious Society contribute just as much as – if not more than – been expanded to the point where many of Independent Artists in 1917. So what makes the art itself to the viewer’s overall enjoyment. I feel as though they can no longer question Duchamp’s effort so influential? The answer is a work’s artistic quality. Doing so implies that likely that it directly questions what it is that Colin McCahon is an artist that I have consistently they are unable to discern the meaningful mes- makes something “art.” Conceptual art has since defended on the basis that his brilliance can only sage hidden behind what appears to be a pile of taken off, and artists increasingly test how far be truly appreciated by those with a contextual rubbish in the middle of the gallery floor. they can stretch people’s perceptions and un- awareness of his background. A few days ago, derstanding of what the medium entails. however, I visited a dealer gallery in Wellington The question, however, isn’t so much whether and found a McCahon sitting alone on a wall a work counts as “art” but whether we have to There are countless stories of famous artworks with a $65,000 price tag attached. I didn’t even agree that it is objectively “brilliant” or “beauti- being mistaken for junk. A Damien Hirst (the guy recognise it as a McCahon at first – it was an ful.” Perhaps it’s time that the art world actually responsible for the two million dollar shark) once unimpressive piece of tattered canvas sporting heed its own philosophy and accept that beauty ended up in a charity shop. Last year, waste dis- some black lines and a few words. $65,000 truly is in the eye of the beholder. In other words, posal experts threw out an Anish Kapoor. Clearly, seemed ridiculous. not everybody has to like it. these works do not scream “art” to all audiences. As I explained to the gallery attendant why I A seeming lack of skill seems to be the tipping This raises an interesting question. If somebody particularly liked another work in the room, point for many modern art sceptics. A black looks at a piece of art and sees something not however, he responded by saying that, “oh, square being hailed as a masterpiece seems worth keeping, should we seek to “enlighten” my favourite is definitely the McCahon.” I left to defy common sense, as does a shark in a them and sympathetically dismiss it as a mis- wondering why. For the first time, I found myself box being worth two million dollars. At some understanding? Or should we perhaps question not simply taking such a statement for granted. point in your life you’ve probably flicked paint our own opinion? Sure, it’s “art,” but perhaps the How, I wondered, does a simple name make an on some sort of canvas – the chosen method standard is rubbish. artwork unquestionably “brilliant”? No artist is of the iconic Jackson Pollock. Modern art ap- consistent, and yet today it seems that a name pears to be something you could have done, The basic philosophy underpinning much of alone can trump any question of quality. Part but didn’t; yet we seem to be expected to find it the Modernist movement is that everything of me continues to believe that there are no ob- amazing regardless. In other words, an “us” and has some inherent beauty – you just have to jective standards when it comes to art; another “them” mentality is fostered by the modern art look at it the right way in order to find it. Art, thinks that the time and effort put in to producing community, in which the opinions of outsid- therefore, cannot be held to any objective a piece is deserving of some emphasis. ers are dismissed as being the result of a lack standard. As a result, the question “what is of understanding. art?” becomes unanswerable. Don’t hate on me for finding a square of red mind-blowing, because I certainly don’t hate on The Modernist art movement took off during However, it is at this point that the “art world” you for not. I might even sympathise, and agree the twentieth century, and encouraged artists tends to slide towards hypocrisy. Highly influ- how patronising it is that the “us” and “them” to experiment with, and challenge, traditional ential French theorist Roland Barthes pointed mentality assumes that some people simply forms and perceptions of art. Considered to out that the meaning of a text is determined as “don’t understand.” Urban Dictionary defines be the most influential artwork of the time, much by the reader as it is by the writer. This an “art fag” as a “pretentious individual,” and Marcel Duchamp’s “Fountain” – essentially a applies equally to an artwork. A viewer’s level of I’m starting to whole-heartedly agree. urinal on a pedestal, signed “R. Mutt” – was a artistic exposure and their personal preferences
Critic | Issue 22 | 39 CULTURE BOOKS Lucy Hunter | Books Editor | [email protected]
Less Than Zero by Bret Easton Ellis
BY Millie Lovelock
“Upon finishing this book I was left with the absolute certainty that my insides had been irrevocably rearranged. It is perfectly constructed and its melancholic acceptance is beautifully relevant to any post-baby-boomer coming to the realisation that there may be endless opportunity in youth but no definable or desirable future left to obtain.”
ess Than Zero is the first novel by lit- clumsily, seemingly while Easton Ellis finds his to get help from anyone he knows. While Julian’s erary brat-pack misanthrope Bret Easton stylistic feet, but quickly draws the reader in. I story is viscerally painful for the reader, for Clay L Ellis. The novel details narrator Clay’s re- found Clay’s stark narration incredibly engaging, it is merely a form of distraction, a kind of stim- turn to Los Angeles for Christmas after his first and felt that as a reader I put aside my own ulation that he cannot get from his own life or semester away at college. Clay is from a wealthy ethical and moral standards in order to take part from his other friends. While Julian may only be family, and all of his friends are rich, bored, and in some serious voyeurism. a plot device used to emphasise the enormity of saturated with pop and celebrity culture. Clay’s disconnect, I felt that he brought a sense It was hard to set down the book the first time of clarity to the morally bereft behaviour of Clay While back home Clay avoids confronting his I read it, and was hardly any easier the second and the other characters; I desperately wanted girlfriend Blair about their relationship, indulges time around. For the wealthy young characters for Clay to help Julian, and his seeming inability in illicit drugs, crawls from luxurious suburban the sky is the limit, and it is almost impossi- to do so was jarring. party to downtown club, and enjoys a myriad of ble not to follow their exploits with a degree sexual relations. It is apparent from the outset of fascination. However, that is not to say that Upon finishing this book I was left with the that Clay feels as though he is on a different there are no moments in the book that have a absolute certainty that my insides had been wavelength from those around him; he seems real emotional impact. The blunt force of the irrevocably rearranged. It is perfectly constructed unable or unwilling to engage himself emotion- narration and the utter inability of Clay and the and its melancholic acceptance is beautifully ally. Clay is a passive and nihilistic, an accepting others to demonstrate any more than a fleeting relevant to any post-baby-boomer coming to observer following a “why not” mantra. interest in anything outside of themselves was the realisation that there may be endless op- frankly traumatic. portunity in youth but no definable or desirable In writing Less Than Zero, Easton Ellis used Joan future left to obtain. Didion’s Play It As It Lays as a template, taking For me, the most upsetting parts of the book were
her mélange of disparate nihilism, 1960s excess, those involving Clay’s childhood friend Julian. Available On ORDER FROM The and clean-cut minimalism, and exporting it into Julian seems to have completely lost control of UNIVERSITY BOOK SHOP FOR $15.99 a 1980s diaspora. The novel starts out a little his life; he is in desperate trouble but is unable
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40 | Issue 22 | Critic Critic | Issue 22 | 41 CULTURE FILM ROSIE HOWELLS | FILM Editor | [email protected]
important are its gorgeously written script and sort of confidence in the script that makes the The Way 4/5 stellar cast. It seems to be a growing trend to jam film particularly engaging. pack movies with as many stars as possible, and Way Back this film is proof that it works. Stars known for The Way Way Back deals with many of the their comedic ability, such as Steve Carell, Toni themes and tropes that could be expected from Directors: Jim Rash and Nat Faxon Collette, Sam Rockwell and Maya Rudolph offer this kind of movie, including the angst of being a not only their usual hilarious repartee but also teenager, feeling alone, and first love. However, RevieweD by Baz MAcDonald some gut-wrenching dramatic performances. it is rare to see these ideas handled with the level Carell in particular gives a performance that of skill and tact offered by The Way Way Back. atch the first five minutes of any many people would not have believed him Being able to sit through scenes that deal with coming-of-age film and you’ll be capable of. such emotions without cringing enables you to W able to guess exactly what happens appreciate them in a way few other films allow. in the next 85. The Way Way Back is no exception, The impressive acting was highlighted by the and yet the film is so charmingly pleasant that stunning script and superb direction from Jim Movies like this make you realise why coming- not only do you not mind its predictability, you Rash (who you may know as Dean Craig Pelton of-age stories are important – growing up is a actually relish it. from Community) and Nat Faxo. This duo is universal experience, and this movie reminds riding high on the success of Oscar-winning you of that. I didn’t want it to end. The reasons for this are numerous, but most The Descendants, and it shows. You can feel a
Sure, we can argue that this not the film’s fault And more importantly, why is Meyers wearing but the book’s – the young-adult novel on which a clip-on braided rat’s tail? The Mortal 1/5 the film is based was first published in 2007, and Instruments: there have been many fantasy films between But fair play, there are some genuinely scary then and now. But the screenwriter should have creatures and most of the actors do their best City of Bones had the cultural awareness to make some chang- with the lines from Hades. Most of the actors, that es, or at least to try and find something unique is, not all of them. Jamie Campbell Bower clearly Director: Harald Zwart about these tired plot devices. She doesn’t. decided to use the film as a platform to show the world that he is “interesting.” Instead of acting Apart from the done-to-death storyline and ma- like a human being , he delivers all of his lines RevieweD BY Rosie Howells jor plot holes (one of the main characters is bitten with sexy bedroom eyes and in a moody whisper, here is almost nothing in this film that by a vampire and is never mentioned again), The even if just to say “let’s go down this street.” we haven’t seen before. Many times Mortal Instruments is also plagued by the small T before. The Mortal Instruments is an stupidities of a money-grabbing Hollywood. For The fact this movie was released so soon after the unskilful amalgamation of the tropes and example, why do the female “Shadow Fighters” International Film Festival makes it an even big- character types made familiar by Harry Potter, chose to battle demons in skin-tight leather pants ger slap in the face – the culture holiday is over, Twilight, Lord of the Rings, True Blood, Pirates of and six-inch heels? How could four teenagers kill and now we’re back to our bleak reality. Please the Caribbean … and the list goes on. Hell, they over 100 vampires in two minutes flat and yet don’t watch this movie. Don’t let Hollywood get even copy Star Wars’ most famous plot twist. fail to put a scratch on Jonathan Rhys Meyers? away with it again.
42 | Issue 22 | Critic FILM CULTURE
3 Kick Ass 2 /5
Director: Jeff Wadlow
RevieweD BY Tamara Scott
eing a big fan of the original Kick-Ass film, I was prepared to be let down by B the sequel. In particular, I was dubious as to whether the new director, Jeff Wadlow, would manage to reproduce certain aspects of the original film, such as the stylistic violence sequences and the low-key comic book feel.
A director always faces an added level of pressure when delivering a follow up, and Wadlow’s task is made even harder by the fact that Kick-Ass than plot development – the narrative was so just happened to be a super hero, I enjoyed it was such a surprise hit. The gruesome sequel has predictable that I could have written the synopsis because this little girl was ripping full-grown received an impressive level of publicity recently, before watching the film. men’s guts out through their mouths. due in part to actor Jim Carrey’s refusal to partic- ipate in any promotional efforts on the grounds High-schooler Dave Lizewski (Aaron Taylor- I’d always thought of Moretz as a young starlet that the violence of the Sandy Hook Elementary Johnson) becomes the hero Kick-Ass again, and who could really act, but in this film she delivered shootings had affected him deeply. Too late, joins up with a group of normal citizens who have a flaccid performance. Kick-Ass 2 loses all of the mate – you still starred in the blood-soaked flick. been inspired to fight crimes … in costume. Chloë original’s sharpness, while desperately trying to Moretz, who plays Hit-Girl, was a major reason convince the audience it is a credible contribution The first film was a relentlessly gruesome blood- that the original Kick-Ass was marvellous. Her to the meta-superhero genre. fest, but its style had some inherent value. Sadly, combat sequences were the bloodiest and she and predictably, the sequel’s fight scenes felt was a subversive badass. In the sequel, however, On the whole, cinematic violence has been like old re-runs of Hollywood blockbusters, we watch as Hollywood once again attempts handled most skilfully by contemporary Asian and hence lost their sense of realism. While the to develop Chloë into the industry’s new “it” directors such as Chan-wook Park, who directed enlarged budget showed, it was clear that the girl. For the record, Hollywood: I did not relish Old Boy (2003). Those guys know what they money had been spent on explosions rather Kick-Ass because Hit-Girl was a stunner who are doing.
What we are getting closer to achieving, how- the hopes of preserving reality. ever, is virtual reality. Sure, virtual reality the way these films portray it is still out of reach, Like all of Cronenberg’s movies, it takes significant but devices such as the Oculus Rift (a mecha- brainpower to decipher. The reward, however, is nism worn over your head whilst playing video a film full of significant themes and ideas that games) are getting excitingly close. make you rethink many of society’s decisions regarding science, technology and entertainment. David Cornenberg’s mind-bending 1999 sci-fi film Existenz depicts a future in which video Existenz is also filled with some beautifully games have changed from electronic devices crafted imagery: the meal Jude Law’s character to biological ones, and are hooked straight into must eat in order to construct a weapon from the Existenz the human nervous system by way of bio-ports. bones ranks alongside the Denethor’s feast in These organic game pods create games inside Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King as film’s Director: David Cronenberg the gamer’s mind, distorting reality for those most visually disgusting depiction of eating ever. who play and rendering gamers unable to dis- CLASSIC FILM by Classic Baz cern the real world from the game world. The Though the film is now almost 15 years old, and story follows the world’s greatest game designer, video games and technology have changed re- t’s always fun to watch films made in the Allegra Gellar (Jennifer Jason Leigh) as she and markably in that time, Cronenberg’s film is still 80s or 90s and see how they thought the wary security guard Ted Pikul (Jude Law) run relevant to our times. If you watch it, no doubt I world would be by now. Disappointingly, we away from a group of extremists – “The Realists” you’ll agree that this is not a future we want still don’t have hover cars or pill-based nutrition. – who are seeking to destroy all game pods in for ourselves.
Critic | Issue 22 | 43 CULTURE FOOD KIRSTY DUNN | food Editor | [email protected]
University Plaza Café
by M & G
he University Plaza Café is located just inside the entrance to Unipol, which is T attached to the Forsyth Barr Stadium. M and G enjoy the fact that all new buildings commissioned by the University tend to come complete with in-built café.
Sticky Date Muffins One Saturday morning M and G donned their sneakers and headed to Unipol to work up a really don’t have much to say about these, sweat before trying out the Plaza. This café is except a) they are so freaking good, and b) Ingredients: definitely of the same ilk as the rest of those you’d be a fool, A FOOL I TELL YOU, not to >> 200g pitted dates, chopped owned by the University, but its weekend hours, I >> 2/3 cup of soft brown sugar whip some up on a lazy Sunday and revel in brunch menu and toys for the kiddies make it their (and your) greatness. (Also you feel less >> 125g butter, chopped slightly more public-friendly. Unfortunately, M like a fatty eating a muffin than scoffing down >> 1 tsp baking soda and G missed the brunch and so had to settle a bowl full of the pudding form, “a” being the >> 2 cups flour for some of the cabinet food instead. operative word here.) >> 1 ½ tsp baking powder >> ½ teaspoon mixed spice M loves the fact that there are so many sneaky >> 2 free range eggs seats at the Plaza Café. M has had a few solo Method: >> 1 tsp vanilla essence coffees there before class, hiding behind the 1. Preheat the oven to 190°C and grease the plant partitions, and recommends this as a muffin tin (or you could use cases). >> For topping: pre-lecture spot for those around College Tower >> ¼ cup brown sugar or Teachers’ College who need some breathing 2. Put the chopped dates, sugar, first lot of >> 1 tbsp butter space. If you’re anything like M, having people butter and one cup of warm water in a >> 2 tbsp milk too close to you before your first coffee of the saucepan and place on a medium heat. Stir day is about as appealing as a foot-flavoured until the butter has melted and the sugar has 7. Fill each muffin hole about three-quarters ice cream. dissolved. Bring the mixture to the boil for full with the mixture. Bake for twenty min- a couple of minutes and then remove from utes, or until the muffins have risen, are The lattés that M has ordered here have al- the heat. Stir in the baking soda and then golden brown in colour, and come away ways been a bit sub-par; weak as piss with leave to cool for half an hour or so. slightly from the sides of the tin. disappointing milk work. However the staff here are so lovely and helpful, and the food so well 3. Whisk the eggs and vanilla together in a 8. For the topping, put the second lot of sugar, presented, that it’s easy for this to go unnoticed. jug and set aside. the butter and the milk into a saucepan and stir over medium heat until the sugar has Overall M and G enjoyed their Plaza Café expe- 4. Sift the flour and the mixed spice into a bowl dissolved and the mixture is smooth. rience. They recommend sticking to the smaller and make a well in the centre. sizes, though, to avoid the too-milky-for-how- 9. Brush the hot sauce over the tops of the weak-it-is coffee situation. If you want to escape 5. Pour the egg mixture into the well, followed muffins (be generous) as soon as you have the hustle and bustle of uni life for a second, by the cooled date mixture. taken them out of the oven and repeat until this is definitely a great place to sink into a corn you have used up all of the sauce. Leave the fritter bap and enjoy a cup of joe before hitting 6. Fold in the wet ingredients gently until all muffins in the tin for 15 minutes or so, and class or the Robertson Library. of the ingredients are just combined. Take then gently loosen them with a knife before care not to over-mix, or they’ll turn out too lifting out onto a wire rack to cool slightly. 3/5 dense – the batter should look a little lumpy. These are best served warm with a cuppa.
44 | Issue 22 | Critic depending on your background. Talk to us about the best options for you. for options best the about Talk to us background. your on depending different are pathways diploma graduate all and apply criteria *Entry > > > > > > CV! your to qualification career-friendly hands-on, diplomas graduate Polytechnic’s Otago out check subject, any in adegree have you If qualification. industry-focused an employableMake more with yourself now what? So you’ve got adegree –
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J01509 Critic |Issue22 |45 CULTURE GAMING
Rayman Legends
Developed by Ubisoft Montpeillier Published by Ubisoft 9.5/10 Platforms: 360, PS3, Wii U, PC, PSV
he gaming industry is currently fasci- triumphant soundtrack. All of these elements nated with creating new and innovative combine in each world’s final level, and these T new ways to play games. Don’t get me finales play like the most badass music videos wrong – I am very excited about the discoveries you have ever seen. An example is “Castle Rock”: being made, but such an attitude tends to imply here, you run to a cover of the song “Black Betty” that we have fully utilised the mechanics we by Ram Jam, but your enemies are singing the currently have. Rayman Legends proves that lyrics in their own form of gibberish and all of the this is not the case. beats are synchronised to match your actions. Watch a video of this level at critic.co.nz/rayman It is no longer the heyday of the platformer. – don’t worry about ruining it for yourself, be- The 90s were all about platformers (and it’s cause although the video is awesome, playing easy to see why when looking games like Crash the level is an experience in itself. Bandicoot and the original Rayman), but the genre lost popularity as 3D graphics became In a number of ways, the game rewards you just easier to render. However, Rayman Legends for playing. My favourite is the “lucky scratch” proves that while we now have technology system, in which you receive a scratchy card for capable of far more than side-scrolling, simple certain levels of achievement. This card can then mechanics still have a place in this shiny new be scratched, rewarding you with one of many age of gaming. different items or experiences. If you are lucky you will receive an Origin painting which, when Legends doesn’t have a complex story; in fact, unlocked, allows you to play levels from the its story could hardly be more simple. Bubble equally-awesome 2011 game, Rayman Origins. Dreamer the wizard has populated the world Rayman Legends is thus two games in one, but with evil creatures that have captured the ador- you enjoy the Rayman Origins levels all the more able Teensies. It is the job of Rayman and his because you earned them. friends to save these little fellas and free the world of Bubble Dreamer’s evil. The world is As if that weren’t enough, the game also comes broken up into various sub-worlds, each with with a huge library of playable characters to un- its own theme and aesthetic, and Rayman must lock, a multiplayer platformer soccer game called clear stages within these worlds by saving all Kung Foot, the ability to play the whole game the Teensies. The story, however, doesn’t really co-op, and a challenge mode that is updated daily. matter. What this game really emphasises is the experience. Rayman Legends is a game full of joy just waiting to be had, and it seems that there is no limit to Legends constantly finds new ways to make you what it has to offer. It is so exciting to see that even smile, whether it is the outstanding design, the as we move into the next generation of gaming, hilarious and quirky character animations, or we are still able to look back to our past and create just the sheer beauty of the layered 2.5-dimen- amazing experiences using the expertise and sional landscape coupled with the unique and knowledge gained from established mechanics.
46 | Issue 22 | Critic BAZ MACDONALD | Electronic Amusement Wizard | [email protected] GAMING CULTURE
The Bureau: XCOM Declassified
Developed by 2K Marin Published by 2K Games 6.5/10 Platforms: 360, PS3, PC
s far as original premises go, alien third person strategy game. That game finally ar- optimal, it works far better than many people invasions are hardly groundbreak- rived in the form of The Bureau: XCOM Declassified. guessed it would back in 2010. Switching from Aing. Sometimes, though, all you need third-person shooting to a display screen in which is a fresh take to make something common The Bureau’s story takes place in the 1960s, which you can assign orders – such as movement or feel original. makes a refreshing change from the modern-day abilities – to your crew members is cumbersome setting of most strategy games. Supposedly, at first, but after some practice the ability to pull In the eyes of many, this is what the game 1994 this was done to allow the developers (2K) to off a well-executed strategy is exhilarating. UFO: Enemy Unknown (also known as XCOM: base the story around the inception of the XCOM Enemy Unknown) achieved. This classic sees department – a department that was originally The third-person shooting itself, however, is players contributing to three elements of the created to aid in the Cold War fight against the average, and is only made worse by the fact that fight to save humanity from an alien invasion: Soviet Union but that was forced to become an the (limited) selection of weapons on offer all resource management, base defence and stra- anti-alien task force after Earth was attacked by feel essentially the same. Thankfully, the game tegic skirmishes. extra-terretrials. retains my favourite feature of the XCOM series: perma-death. Perma-death means that if one Commonly listed among the greatest games of Disappointingly, however, the entire plotline of of your crew members (whom you have named, all time, Enemy Unknown proved to be a turning The Bureau not only ignores the original story, customised and “levelled-up”) dies, they remain point in terms of gamers’ perceptions – increas- but virtually spits in its face. Every aspect, from dead for the rest of the game. Unfortunately, this ingly, gamers came to appreciate that games the origins of XCOM to the aliens’ psychology feature is now rendered useless by the intro- could be multi-dimensional, or offer more than to the story surrounding protagonist Special duction of regular checkpoints that allow you one type of challenge or experience. A number Agent William Carter, contradicts well-estab- to instantly reverse this outcome. of sequels were trialled, in which designers tried lished knowledge regarding the XCOM universe. to play with the genre, but none matched the This is a real shame – a story that built on the The game could have used with a little more quality of the original. original universe would have won over newbies polish, thought, and loyalty to the original con- and existing fans alike. ception of the XCOM universe. It’s frustrating to Last year, a new remake was announced – XCOM: play, because it is so easy to identify elements Enemy Unknown – which aimed to celebrate The Bureau tries to infuse a level of intimacy that could have made the overall experience a the original game while injecting it with some into its storyline by including dialogue between more fulfilling one; watching potential being twenty-first century flair. The fact remains, colleagues at the XCOM base, reminiscent of squandered is always sad. however, that no genre-bending XCOM game the dialogue in Mass Effect. Dialogue options, has ever been a success. however, do not influence outcomes, and as Unfortunately, the curse of the XCOM shooter the writing is generally hackneyed, the result remains. I can deal with this, however, so long as Many gamers had high hopes for a first person is occassionally cringeworthy. XCOM strategy games continue to be produced. shooter iteration of the series when it was first Speaking of which – an expansion has recently announced in 2006. After several years of silence, The gameplay attempts to couple third-person been announced for XCOM: Enemy Unknown at it was finally made public in 2010 that the project shooting with the original game’s strategic ma- Gamescon. At least all the disappointed XCOM had been scrapped and was being relaunched as a nipulation of squad members. Though less than fans out there have that to look forward to.
Critic | Issue 22 | 47 CULTURE MUSIC BASTI MENKES | MUSIC Editor | [email protected]
Nine Inch Nails “While I’m Still Here.” Its frequent shifts in tempo 4/5 and volume give Hesitation Marks a dynamic, diverse feel. This diversity also extends to the Hesitation Marks album’s emotional impact; while far from a happy record (the title references suicide, after Stylish and diverse; a worthy comeback. all), it includes more major keys and uplifting lyrics than any prior Nine Inch Nails album. At y, hasn’t Trent Reznor been busy? victory lap, or an unnecessary disappointment? time, however – such as on the post-punky “Everything” – these rays of light land awkward- M Between side projects, scoring films, Reznor certainly wants Hesitation Marks to feel ly upon the scorched earth of Reznor’s universe, raising sons and insulting fans over Twitter, the like his best album ever, hence the extravagant but on the whole they are a welcome contrast 48-year-old prince of industrial has somehow tour plans, multiple masters, and series of art- to the venom and angst normally found there. found the time to make another Nine Inch Nails work by Russell Mills (who designed the iconic Trent is clearly a happier person than he used to album. I’ll admit to feeling ambivalent when cover of The Downward Spiral nineteen years be (no doubt he is getting off on being a husband Hesitation Marks was announced. After the ago). And while I’d hesitate to call it the greatest and a father), and I cannot see the positivity that heights of his first three albums, I feel Trent really album in the Nine Inch Nails discography, it is has lent his music as a bad thing. stumbled on 2005’s With Teeth and 2007’s Year certainly a worthy addition. Instead of rushing Zero. Aside from a few tracks, these attempts to into its conception, Trent clearly spent some time In addition to its wide-ranging sounds and recast Nine Inch Nails as radio-friendly electronic plotting what he wanted Hesitation Marks to emotion, the songs themselves on Hesitation rock were blunders. He regained his footing, sound like. In the end, he went for an equal mix of Marks are fantastic. Reznor’s songwriting seems however, with Ghosts I-IV, a double album of old and new; namely, the brooding electronica of to have matured since we last heard him on The ambient instrumentals, and its swift follow-up his recent works woven around muscular hooks Slip, each track here shimmering with detail and The Slip, which was essentially With Teeth and and choruses that wouldn’t sound out of place intent. Two in particular rank among Reznor’s Year Zero done right. on Pretty Hate Machine. It is a winning formula, best: the Downward Spiral-worthy “All Time both harkening back to Trent’s glory days and Low,” a hellish funk track made of scabs and It was after this return to form that Trent put sounding very much like a fresh, modern album. barbed wire, and the downright sexy post-in- Nine Inch Nails on “indefinite hiatus.” It seemed dustrial cut “Various Methods of Escape,” with he would rather go out on a high note than risk As can be expected, Hesitation Marks delivers its snaking verses and addictive chorus. It is on trailing off into mediocrity. A good place to call several heavy, assaultive tracks such as “Came these songs that Reznor sounds truly on top of it a day, I thought. But now, that satisfactory full Back Haunted,” a ghostly cousin of vintage Nine his game, as creative and as charismatic as he’s stop has been turned into a question mark; Nine Inch Nails track “Into the Void.” Also included ever been. If Hesitation Marks is more than just Inch Nails is back with a new album. Is eighth LP are a number of more brooding and meditative a fluke, and Reznor is able to repeat its charms, Hesitation Marks a glorious rebirth, a passable songs, such as the ethereal “Find My Way” and I’m all for album number nine.
MUSIC GIVEAWAY COURTESY OF:
Harvest Court Mall 218 George Street 03 477 0388
48 | Issue 22 | Critic MUSIC CULTURE
RADIO ONE 91FM EVENT GUIDE
Wednesday 11th Sept
ReFuel | Hunting Bears w./ The Fu King + Cult Disney. Free entry from 9pm. First Church | New Zealand String Quar- tet presents Bravo Britten. 7pm.
Lustmord Thursday 12th Sept
ReFuel | Freaky Meat w./ Ignite the 5/5 The Word As Power Helix and The Amoeba. $10 from 9pm. The Regent Theatre | Traces. The voice is most powerful when wordless. Acrobatics with street elements such as skateboarding, basketball and parkour, ark ambient is a genre drenched in every last facet and detail Lustmord spent half mixed with theatre and contemporary dance. Ticket information at imagery of the ancient, the gothic and a decade carving. regenttheatre.co.nz. the biblical. Its blacker-than-black D Queens | The Ruby Lady Video Release noises are derived from the vaults of industrial The Word As Power is divided into seven songs, Party. w./ SoDiva, and live belly dance music, stretched into barren wastes and yawning ranging between five and 17 minutes. And yet the music by the Unfortunate Repercus- sions plus dance from Tribal Echo and abysses of sound. Often dark ambient songs sum of these parts is so seamless and whole, it The Ruby Lady. $5 from 7.30pm. are long and slow, crushing and engulfing the is difficult to distinguish particular moments or listener rather than thrilling them. While you songs as highlights. One track that does man- may not find it exactly raising your pulse, you age to rise above the rest, however, is “Grigori.” Friday 13th Sept may well find it raising the hairs on your neck. Deep and reverberating, it doesn’t ask for your Queens | Laurel Halo. w./ Murderbike attention so much as swallow it whole. Soriah, and DJ Aaron Hawkins. $17 available Lustmord is one of dark ambient’s biggest the Sufi throat singer who guests on the track, from undertheradar.co.nz. names, with a career that has spanned three now ranks among my favourite vocalists of all $20 doorsales. decades and explored the genre in many differ- time, just for his work on this song. Just as he ReFuel | Two Cartoons ent forms. His latest, The Word As Power, is an sings without a single word, I cannot find a single w./ Males, Astro Children, Ernesto Anemone, Deux Enfants, and DJ Tom album with a strong focus on vocals. Five years word to describe him. If you’re going to listen to Tremewan. Free entry from 9pm. in the making, it features a host of guest singers any song this year, listen to this one. But do so Dunedin Musos’ Club | PCP Eagles (including Swans’ dryad Jarboe and Maynard in the context of the rest of the album. I Hate The Mall Tour. 9pm. James Keenan of Tool) who chant and throat sing over tectonic plates of noise. It’s vast. It’s It will be only too easy for people to dismiss The gloomy. It’s gravely serious. It has no words, nor Word As Power, for any of a dozen reasons. It Saturday 14 Sept does it need them. In their absence, The Word As will be called boring. It will be called pompous. Purple Rain Retro Cafe | Charisma Power manages to ache with beauty, sadness, It will be likened to the Gladiator soundtrack, Collective Launch Party. featuring Face anger and hope, often not in isolation. or any soundtrack that uses wordless vocals to Dancer, Birdation, Leon Neon, and suggest momentousness – wailing vocals during Chemical as well as some surprise acts throughout the night and DJ sets Many listeners will find the album appropriately a death scene, earthen throat singing when a from from DJ Tanner, Face Dancer and daunting. At 75 minutes in length and without hero is crossing a desert. While those examples DJ Macbook Pro. $10 entry includes a a syllable in English, from the outside The Word of vocal ambience merely reinforce an existing drink. Doors from 9pm. As Power will appear unassailable, impenetra- image, The Word As Power paints images of its ReFuel | The Datsuns. 8pm. ble even. Your only hope of infiltrating it is by own. All of the mythology of dark ambient – its Queens | Two Buck Titties, Eddie Led- listening to it. Eventually, you’ll stop finding angels, demons, wastelands and megaliths – is derhead & Iron Mammoth. 9pm. yourself outside the album’s granite gates, but here in full force, more vivid and dramatic than within them. It may happen during the opening Lustmord has ever conjured before. To include a Dunedin gig or event song, the cavernous “Babel,” or after your first email us at [email protected] full listen through. Or perhaps your second, or The Word As Power is far from a humble album. It FOR Full listings vISIT even your third. But once inside, you’ll be able yearns to be the most epic, important collection r1.co.nz/playtime to feel every note, every subterranean murmur, of sounds you’ve ever heard. Let it be.
Critic | Issue 22 | 49 CULTURE SCIENCE & HEALTH
What a Wheeze Playing Science
by Dr. Nick by Bryony Leeke
i everybody, n keeping with Critic’s theme, this week in modelling the structure of a “scissor-protein” Med students are weird. I have a we’re talking gaming. While lots of games found in an HIV-like virus. If you mess with H friend who has a fairly uncommon condi- I feature science and sci-fi driven plotlines, this this particular protein, the virus can no longer tion called Diabetes Insipidus, which is complete- week we’re highlighting the inverse: scientists infect people, making it a great drug target. The ly unrelated to the blood-sugar-related Diabetes who are using gaming to assist in their scientific successful creation of these drugs is now far more Mellitus. When it comes up in conversation, most discoveries. Believe it or not, you might be able to likely, thanks to the effort of the FoldIt players. muggles do the socially acceptable thing and help cure cancer and AIDS using only your laptop! utter a token “oh, that must suck” before changing Games are also helping to fight cancer. the topic to rugby and boobs. Med students, on Computer modelling has long been used as a Researchers get so many samples that it takes the other hand, want to know everything about problem-solving device in science, especially them years to analyse them all. Often all they it: cause, treatment, prognosis, family history … when problems revolve around determining want to know is whether there are weird look- chronic conditions are fascinating! Except asthma. unknown properties of molecules, such as their ing cancer cells present and, if so, how many of Asthma is the Ranfurly Shield of chronic diseases: shape. Using computers to try out many possible them there are. Sound like something you could nobody cares about it unless they’ve got it. combinations of shapes, scientists can identify do? It is! Check out cellslider.net and add to the The reason people don’t care is that asthma’s the molecular structures that are most likely to 1,710,763 samples analysed by people just like so frigging common here in New Zealand. One in occur in real life, and then test the accuracy of you. If you’re late handing in an assignment, “I six adults have it, making it more common than these results. What’s more, by taking this just one was helping to cure cancer” is one of the better the number of Tuesdays in a typical week. There step further and “gamifying” the computer mod- possible excuses! is a lot of interesting research looking into why els, some scientists have hit upon a brilliant (and it’s so common. The more credible theories centre fun) way to crowd-source scientific solutions. The research team who produced FoldIt have on the role of viral infections, and the way our followed up recently with a similar game called excessive cleanliness affects the ability of chil- One of the first examples of this idea was FoldIt, EteRNA, which aims to increase knowledge about dren’s immune systems to distinguish “self” from invented by Seth Cooper at the University of the folding and structure of RNA. RNA is a cous- “other.” The less credible theories focus on ancient Washington. FoldIt followed on from a com- in to DNA and performs an amazing variety of cults, demonic possession and gay marriage. puter-modelling programme, Rosetta, which functions, including translating the information Despite asthma’s prevalence, as a society attempted to predict the complex ways proteins contained in DNA into proteins, silencing genes we’re not great at accepting it. Even though it’s fold into the correct shape inside cells. In order to when they aren’t needed, and catalysing reac- the cheapest, easiest and most effective way of get more processing power, Cooper was hosting tions within cells. treating asthma, sufferers don’t like taking med- Rosetta on volunteers’ home computers. ications through their spacers because they’re fat EteRNA is exciting because the RNA structures and ugly – the spacers, that is – and because they Having watched on the screensaver as Rosetta worked out by players will be tested in the real draw the attention of the other five in six people. tested many different proteins, volunteers started world. The players design different RNA struc- Worryingly, many asthmatics don’t use their pre- writing in, saying they could see the computer tures, and the best are synthesised and tested venter inhalers because they don’t see the point, making mistakes – and that they had a better for functionality! These real-world results are don’t understand how preventers work, or just solution. Struck by the idea that human intelli- then released so that players can see how their don’t like having to take medication every day. gence might be better at the task than computer RNA performed. The overall goal is to create a For most people, asthma is manageable and models, Cooper turned Rosetta into a game in catalogue of RNA designs that can be studied is more of a nuisance than a “chronic disease.” which players compete and collaborate to find for their potential to target illnesses and improve It isn’t an entirely benign condition, though, the best possible folded structure for various our understanding and control of living cells. and severe attacks can be fatal. My homework proteins. Success in the game is based on how for one in six of you is to learn what your meds stable a player’s protein would be in a real cell. So next time you are in the market for a new do (particularly if you’ve got a preventer) and game, consider collaborating with other gamers know your treatment plan, including what to do A real-world success story for the FoldIt commu- all over the world to do some good for Science, if you’re sick or have a severe attack. The other nity came when some FoldIt teams succeeded Bitches! five of you can relax and breathe easy this week.
50 | Issue 22 | Critic RAQUEL MOSS | TECHNOLOGY Editor | [email protected] TECHNOLOGY CULTURE
You Wouldn’t Download a Gun … At Least, You Shouldn’t
by Callum Valentine
n May this year, gaming giant Electronic With Fran as president, OUSA has been making game violence and the real deal, the way the Arts announced it would no longer be using bold moves to support the New Zealand E-Sports news media has cried wolf on this particular I officially licensed firearms in its video games. scene, including running a tournament for issue papers over the deeper, and painfully ob- The move was a backpedal in reaction to an Activision’s Call of Duty: Black Ops 2. So it’s a vious, problem of interdependence between the extremely poorly thought-out charity campaign good time to take a look at links between the video game and arms industries. Nearly all video launched as part of the stupidly-named Medal of arms industry and the games we invite into our game characters shoot things, and we don’t stop Honor: Warfighter. The campaign, in a partner- living rooms. Is buying these war-fetishising to question exactly why this has to be the case. ship with actual arms manufacturers, directed camo-laden-jizz-fests a moral choice akin to our Even innovation comes with a hand cannon players to buy real weapons. The profits were to slave-sneakers and Foxconn iPhones? of some variety: both Portal and indie smash be given to a veterans’ charity, demonstrating a hit Antichamber use the first-person shooter staggering corporate imperviousness to irony. Broadly, yes. As games became more realistic, mechanic as a springboard for their innovations. the weapons manufacturers started to take The game itself was another one of those ca- note of their copyrighted designs being used My love for the games industry is matched mo-brown shlock-fests with an audience com- in games, and triple-A publishers like EA and in equal parts by my exasperation with its posed primarily of trigger-happy teens calling Activision signed agreements licencing partic- often-lackluster artistic output. Yes, there are each other “faggots” on Xbox live. If that line just ular firearms for virtual use. When sued by a stunning, innovative games that emotionally made you call me a faggot, come at me brah. I’m helicopter manufacturer over Battlefield 3, EA impact the player, but they are still often eclipsed sure you can headshot me from 200 feet no prob- claimed fair use, arguing for their right to tell a by broad, clichéd storylines with guaranteed lems. I’ll still be trying to figure out how to aim story just like a writer mentioning a particular appeal. Take Far Cry 3. I love that game – I shot properly with a stick. Give me a mouse any day. weapon in a novel. a bear with a rocket launcher – but I’d prefer not to be patronised afterwards by one of the Let me be clear, I fucking love video games. I’m To a certain extent, good on them, but it makes lead writers claiming that the crowd-pleasing an indoors kinda guy, and I will freely admit to you wonder why games need to be so damn violence is somehow “ironic.” spending hundreds of hours hunched over a PC realistic. Doom had a “pistol” and a “shotgun” in virtual worlds. But seriously, fuck those end- and I don’t think it suffered for it – although I’ll take the welcome abstraction of sci-fi weap- lessly bland Call of Duty-esque titles. Endlessly check out “Wiki of the Week” to hear from people ons for now, both for my piece of mind and so re-living world wars is strange enough when it’s who disagree. that I can spend another 200 hours playing the on the History Channel, and it’s even more odd Mass Effect trilogy. in video games. While there is no proven link between video
Want to know which guns featured in 1974 captured screenshots. You can just imagine the Wiki of the week Murder on the Orient Express? Of course you heavy breathing of a top contributor, frantically n researching this piece I came across a don’t – you’re probably too busy cleaning your hitting the pause button (like a gunpowder wiki as deliciously pitiful as Conservapedia, Colt 45 and thinking that if your flatmates mess infused snap), capturing that perfect Glock I if not more so. The Internet Movie Firearms up the kitchen ONE MORE TIME you might need shot and taking notes. Database (imfdb.org) is why GCSB watch-lists to throw it in the Leith. But just in case you did may be justified after all (just kidding, they want to know, it’s all here on the IMFDB. With over 13,000 articles, and 9,000 gun-to- aren’t). This careful, meticulous cataloguing tin’ Facebook fans, the IMFDB really puts that of weapons of personal destruction is a bang- Articles for each film, video game or televi- overly long Coro St article on Wikipedia into bang fetishist’s wet dream. sion show come fully loaded with obsessively psychotic relief.
Critic | Issue 22 | 51 CULTURE Random
How to Get Your Parents Off Your Case
by Campbell Ecklein
o matter who you are, at one time or attitude that you can switch on when you come exhaustive run-down of your plans (probably another you’ve probably been on the re- into their proximity – turning on “angel mode” censored) and before you know it, they’ll lose N ceiving end of an advance from a pushy, should be your first line of defence in any situ- interest and walk off. You have to make them nosy, contentious or overly concerned parent. ation. After all, it’s hard to argue with an angel. believe that your life really is as mundane as Maybe you have two of them. Maybe even more. theirs. Be sure to also ask them about their life Whatever your situation, be it going home for Smile and greet them enthusiastically whenever and daily activities to create the impression of a “break” (read: free food) or getting hounded you see them. Always act like you’d love to stop an open exchange channel, hereby reassuring about searching for a summer job/ real job/ life, and talk to them if they didn’t seem so busy/ them that there is no need to subject you to the there are times when you just want your parents important/drunk. Start getting up at a human fucking third degree. to back off – but for some reason you can’t quite time of day, and jump out of bed to make coffee bring yourself to tell them this. In my experi- and fry some eggs. Make sure they see you doing If all else fails and your gentle approach is failing ence, the best approach is prevention rather this. (If you’re normally a sullen, emo brat then to penetrate the solid wall of years of built-up than correction. Make life easier for yourself and you may want to ease into this one so as not to consternation, all you can really do is try to dodge everyone else by becoming a parent whisperer. arouse suspicion.) conflict entirely. Ignore inflammatory remarks even if you have an excellent rebuttal. You may Whether you’re actually doing something wrong The best way to avoid interfering/ nosy par- have to occasionally pretend to agree with their or not, your outward persona around your parents ents is not to demand privacy and boundaries, ridiculous opinions and demands, but this will has the ability to either placate or exasperate but rather to over share. If they ask you where be less frustrating if you think of it as humouring them. Try to cultivate a sweet, cheerful, outgoing you’re going, don’t just say “out” – give them an them because they’re old.
52 | Issue 22 | Critic INTERVIEW CULTURE Steve Drain The Westboro Baptist Church
estboro Baptist Church has become infamous over the past twenty years Wfor its stridently anti-gay messages and picketing of soldiers’ funerals. Steve Drain is a former documentarian who joined the Church in 2001. Drain featured heavily in Louis Theroux’s documentaries The Most Hated Family in America (2007) and America’s Most Hated Family in Crisis (2011), and runs the media side of WBC.
I wanted to ask why you’re seen as a hate group, and why your core message doesn’t seem to come across. What is your core message? Well first of all, the idea of being a hate group the motivation behind going to funerals and them: “there’s a great advantage to know the is a category mistake – it’s equivocating on other high-profile events, as well as having a wrong and right side of an issue. We’ve all read what the term “hate” is. We’re not talking about lot of provocative signs? the scripture, we’re all intelligent creatures like a base human passion like you or I might feel, We live in the soundbite generation, so the rest of you.” we’re talking about an attribute of God. It’s a every one of those signs we hold is only provoc- perfect attribute just as his love and his mercy ative to you because you don’t understand the I think what would help convince a lot of people is. The hatred of God is outlined in the scripture Bible sentiment or the Bible standard that’s that you guys are actually rational is an example three to four more times than his love: it’s his contained therein. of an intellectual struggle that faces the WBC and fixed determination to punish the wicked in As far as going to funerals, dying time is how the WBC overcame that. That would show Hell for their sins. truth time. There [are] only a couple of times in a people that your position stands up to criticism. When you say that they don’t connect man’s life where he’s going to truly contemplate The only time a God-fearing man is going with that message, our job is not to make that where the eternal state of his soul will reside. to struggle is when he’s leaning on his own un- connection, our job is to preach the word of God, So I don’t think there’s anything kinder we can derstanding. The Bible is an instruction manual and how it lands on the hearts of men is God’s do than show up at a funeral and say “look, he for the rest of your life – when a man turns away prerogative. So our core message is simply this: didn’t die fighting for our freedoms, he died from that standard and reasons with morality “the Bible’s right and the moral standards of man fighting for a nation that’s awash in sin, and no himself, that’s when [he is] going to have dif- are wrong.” The fact people want to say we’re a God-fearing man would lift a finger fighting for ficulties. People at WBC, we don’t intellectually one-trick pony and all we’re focused on is the a nation awash in sin.” struggle with anything. What we do is put our issue of homosexuality is a misunderstanding. As for high-profile events, when someone’s foolish, vain ideas away and focus on what the We didn’t make homosexuality a front-burner in the media they have a considerable platform. scripture has to say about it. issue, society did. When you acquire the attention of the media and you’re not helping your fellow man by warning So you don’t need to use reason because the Your motivation is that you’re doing God’s will? them about the condition of this earth, then when Bible tells you exactly what to do? But obviously It’s out of obedience to our god. It’s out of you quit this earth God will cast you to Hell. rationality had to be used to get to the belief love for our fellow man. Here’s the irony for you that the Bible tells you everything. Rationality – when the Lord says “love your neighbor as Cool. So when everyone simply dismisses you even comes into the reading and interpreting you love yourself” he’s quoting from Leviticus as a hate group they’re unable to see all of the of the Bible, so what’s been the most difficult 19:17 and 19:18, where the definition for how you reasoning you’ve been talking about, and instead challenge to your outlook that you’ve faced? love your neighbor as yourself is … when you put your behaviour down to ulterior motives? You’re putting the cart before the horse warn him that his sins are taking him to Hell. If You gotta ask the question, “what would there – we don’t have an opinion and go to the you were about to walk off a cliff, is the loving be the point there?” Look, we’re all educated scripture to see if it’s supported. We go to the thing for me to say “keep going,” or is it to warn people, hard-working people, what would be scripture and that tells us our position is. You’re you and tell you to stop? That’s what our job the point in just wanting to shout at people? asking a question with no answer. is. Whether or not you stop is God’s business. It’s an old tactic – if you can’t poke a hole in the message poke a hole in the messenger. People Okay. So you’re saying it as loud as possible? Is that want to call us loons, [so] here’s what I say to [Editor – abridged]
Photo courtesy Ashi Fachler Critic | Issue 22 | 53 54 | Issue 22 | Critic THE OUSA PAGE Everything OUSA, Every Monday
Scarfie Army Clean Up Day! The Scarfie Army and OUSA students are getting together to do a bit of a clean-up! If you want to be involved, report to the OUSA Recreation Centre on Albany Street or M block at Polytechnic on Harbour Terrace any time between 11am and 12 noon, Sunday September 15th. You’ll be issued rubbish bags and gloves and directed to an area for attention before returning with bags at 1pm. Spot prizes and a free BBQ will be held for all participants. President’s Column By the time you read this column, nominations for the 2014 OUSA OUSA Executive Nominations now open Executive will have opened. It’s the big election of the year for OUSA, and if YOU want to keep OUSA You should definitely run for the Executive. Why? We’ll there are quite cranking how you want it, then make sure you’re nominated! You’ve a few reasons, but for me these stick out like a crying baby on a bus got until the 19th of September at 4pm, so have a good think about how ride from chch to dunners… you’d run OUSA differently. We want you on board, so get involved and get nominated! 1. Be the change you believe in You can make a big impact on the university, the city and the country. Is there something grinding your gears? Are you annoyed that OUSA HUNGRY?! actively assisted in Hyde Street this year? Run for the exec and change For next to nothing the OUSA Rec Centre (at 84 Albany Street) has a it. Do you think that we didn’t go far enough in trying to make Hyde range of food options to keep your belly full including Street safer? Run for the exec and change it.
- Free Breakfasts Monday to Friday 9am-10am Pretty much everything can be changed with enough willpower and - $5 frozen meals (chef prepared, home-style goodness) with enough attention. This year’s executive and I have done some - $3 lunches Monday to Friday (legendary!) awesome stuff: (a) Drafted minimum housing standards legislation, (b) Created an online platform to rate flats, (c) Won students a tertiary student discount for buses, (d) Secured funding to run a relationship safety campaign, and (e) Smashed out the biggest and best Orientation around the country.
2. Make lifelong friends (and enemies) There’s something special about working with a group of inspired and motivated young people determined to change the world. You’ll definitely make lifelong friends. Conversely, you’ll also make lifelong enemies - but that’s arguably a good thing. Every good show has a protagonist and this might be an opportunity for you to find the Gary to your Ash.
3. It looks great on your CV OUSA is a multi-million dollar organisation with a $3 million budget. To be in charge of an organisation like that is the equivalent of CV gold.
4. #swagyolo You lose nothing by running even if you don’t win. The campaign trail is a great experience and definitely builds up a lot of skills. Just get out there and yarn, or be like me and make a video parody. Easy.
Get all the info at ousa.org.nz, email [email protected] or pop into OUSA’s main office for a nomination form!
For now, Team Rocket’s blasting off again… until next week!
Ps. Don’t forget to get along to the Dunedin Craft Beer & Food Festival this Saturday! $19.90 + bf for students if you get yours before the day!