The Journey of Grief Wølking Through the Oølley of the Shøilow of Deøth

The Journey of Grief Wølking through the oølley of the shøilow of deøth

l've always considered David's words ¡n the 23rd Psalm, "walking through the valley of the shadow of death" to be especially comforting and reassuring during those life-threatening challenges in our lives. Since the death of our daughter in 2010 however, I have come to appreciate how well these familiar words also speak to the journey of grief when a loved one dies. lt's been said that life is a journey rather than a destination. I have come to believe that the same is also true of grief. Grief is a journey on which we come to terms with the "new normal" that is now our life, following the loss of someone we love. And while virtually everyone makes this journey (and most of us several times over), the road, that each of us travels through our grief, is unique.

Please consider joining us as we explore together The Journey of Grief -"walking through the valley of the shodow of death."

Chaplain Joseph Radsek

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross & David Kessler ! ltt ltrttÍtl(\ ,tt \ ! tr I The Five Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, I)epression and Acceptance.

The stages have evolved since their introduction and they have been very misunderstood over the past three decades. They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss as there is no typical loss. Our grief is as individualas our lives. The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or in a prescribed order. Our hope is that with these stages comes the knowledge of griefls terrain, making us better equipped to cope with life and loss.

Denial: This first stage of grieving helps us to survive the loss. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial. We go numb. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature's way of letting in only as much as we can handle. As you accept the reality of the loss and start to ask yourself questions, you are unknowingly beginning the healing process. You are becoming stronger, and the denial is beginning to fade. But as you proceed, all the feelings you were denying begin to surface.

Angef : Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Be willing to feel your anger, even though it may seem endless. The more you truly feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate and the more you will heal. There are many other emotions under the anger and you will get to them in time, but anger is the emotion we are most used to managing. The truth is that anger has no limits. It can extend not only to your friends, the doctors, your family, yourself and your loved one who died, but also to God. You may ask, "'Where is God in this? Undemeath anger is pain, your pain. It is natural to feel deserted and abandoned, but we live in a society that fears anger. Anger is strength and it can be an anchor, giving temporary structure to the nothingne ss of [oss. At first grief feels like being lost at sea: no connection to anything. Then you get angry at someone, maybe a person who didn't attend the fttneral, maybe a person who isn't around, maybe a person who is different now that your loved one has died. Suddenly you have a structure your anger toward them. The anger becomes a bridge over the open sea, a connection from -you to them. It is something to hold onto; and a connection made from the strength of anger feels better than nothing. We usually know more about suppressing anger than feeling it. The anger is just another indication of the intensity of your love.

Bafgaining: Before a loss, it seems like you will do anything if only your loved one would be spared. "Please God," you bargain, "I will never be angry at my wife again if you'll just let her live." After a loss, bargaining may take the form of a temporary truce. "What if I devote the rest of my life to helping others. Then can I wake up and realize this has all been a bad dream?" We become lost in amaze of "If only..." or "'What if..." statements. We want life returned to what is was; we want our loved one restored. We want to go back in time: find the tumor sooner, recognize the illness more quickly, stop the accident from happening...if only, if only, if only. Guilt is often bargaining's companion. The "if onlys" cause us to find fault in ourselves and what we "think" we could have done differently. We may even bargain with the pain. V/e will do anything not to feel the pain of this loss. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt. People often think of the stages as lasting weeks or months. They forget that the stages are responses to feelings that can last for minutes or hours as we flip in and out of one and then another. We do not enter and leave each individual stage in a linear fashion. We may feel one, then another and back again to the first one.

DepfeSSiOn: After bargaining, our attention moves squarely into the present. Empty feelings present themselves, and grief enters our lives on a deeper level, deeper than we ever imagined. This depressive stage feels as though it will last forever. It's important to understand that this depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is the appropriate response to a great loss. V/e withdraw from life, left in a fog of intense sadness, wondering, perhaps, if there is any point in going on alone? Why go on at all? Depression after a loss is too often seen as unnatural: a state to be fixed, something to snap out of. The first question to ask yourself is whether or not the situation you're in is actually depressing. The loss of a loved one is a very depressing situation, and depression is a normal and appropriate response. To not experience depression after a loved one dies would be unusual. When a loss fully settles in your soul, the realization that your loved one didn't get better this time and is not coming back is understandably depressing. If grief is a process of healing, then depression is one of the many necessary steps along the way.

ACCeptanCe: Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being "all right" or "OK" with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don't ever feel OK or all right about the loss of a loved one. This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality. We will never like this reality or make it OK, but eventually we accept it. We learn to live with it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live. We must try to live now in a world where our loved one is missing. In resisting this new norm, at first many people want to maintain life as it was before a loved one died. In time, through bits and pieces of acceptance, however, we see that we cannot maintain the past intact. It has been forever changed and we must readjust. We must learn to reorganize roles, re-assign them to others or take them on ourselves.

Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones. As we begin to live again and enjoy our life, we often feelthat in doing so, we are betraying our loved one. We can never replace what has been lost, but we can make new connections, new meaningful relationships, new inter-dependencies. Instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs; we move, we change, we grow, we evolve. We may start to reach out to others and become involved in their lives. We invest in our friendships and in our relationship with ourselves. We begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have given grief its time. At times, people in grief will often repoft more stages. Just remember your grief is aa unique as you are. Beotitudes For Those Who Comfort bY: Jockíe Deems P.eprinted wíth permíssion from Burlington Bereavement Resource Council, Perspectives, Volume 3 No. 4, December 1990

Bless¿d ore those who do not use teors to meosure the true f eelings of the bereoved.

Blessed ore those who stifle lheurge to soy, "f understond," when they don't

Blessed ore those who do not expect the beresved to put ínto the post someone who is still fresh in their heorts

Blessed Q?E those who do not clwoys hove o guick "comforting" onswer.

Blessed orle those who do not moke judgments on the bereaved's closeness to God by theír reqction to the loss of fheir loved one.

Blessed ore those who heor wíth theír heqrts ond not with their mínds.

Blessed ot.e those who ollow the bereaved enough time to heql.

Blessed ore those who qdmit their uncomfortable-ness ond put it oside to help the 6ereaved.

Blessed ore those who do not give unwqnted odvice.

Blessed ore those who continue to coll, visít ond reoch out when the crowd hos dwindled qnd the wounded ore left stonding olone.

Blessed ore those who know the worth of eoch person os o unigue índividuol ond do noÌ pretend thot they con be replaced or forgotten.

Blessed ore those who reolizethe frogilíty of ïereavemen| ond hondle it with on understonding shoulder ond o loving heort. ,1'

A BEREAVED PARET{T'S WISH LTST

was very

a isn't have you for both. 4. I wish you wouldn't "killo me again by removing her pidures, artwork' or other remembrances from your home. 5. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldnt shy away from nre. I need you now more than ever. 6. tr need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. t might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day. 7. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug. B. I wish you wouldn't o<æct my grief to be over in six nronths. These first npnths are úaumatic for me, but I wish you could undersbnd that my grief will never be over' I wíll live with the death of my chíld until the day I die' 9. I am working very hard on my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I wíll never fully recover. I will always miss my child and I will always griwe that he is dead. *'not 10. I wish you wouldnt eÐæct me b think about íf' or to "be hapgy{. Neither will happn for a very long time, so don't fiustnte yourcelf. 7L. I dont want to har¡e a "píty parf, but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal. t2. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is mÍserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you. 13. When I say, "I'm doing okay'', I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily. L4. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal' Depression, anger, ftustration, hopefessness, and overwhelming sadness are allto be e)çected. So, please o(cuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranlqy. 15 Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day ¡s bo much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time. 16. Þlease excuse me if I seem rude, certainly it is not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need b get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quíet place to spend time alone. L7 I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big paft of me died with her. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again, 18. I wish very much that you could understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT I pray that you will never understand.

Diane Colli The Area (,r¡r iirr lr)rlrrt('! ,i, Just Sit With Me By Rob Anderson

This article should be in the hands and hearts of everyone who wants to be a grieving, healing partner for someone who has suffered a loss. It is for those who "get it," to the extent they can and for those who don't "get it," but still want to help. As we all know, a hug, a heartfelt handshake, a silent partner can do much more for our healing and hope. In the end, we all grieve alone, but to have partners in healing can go a long way towards helping us recapture our smiles and bring our loved ones' lives back to us. 1. Know that you have incredible power. Your support today, tomorrow, and forever will be paramount to our healing. Stick with us and you will see our smiles return. 2. Understand that our grieving and healing will never end. We will never be over it or completely healed. We will grieve the death of our loved ones forever, but it doesn't mean we need to lead a grief-stricken life. That is where you can help. 3. When we talk about our pain and our tears flow, don't try to make them go away. They are doing good things for us. Our tears are like the steam valve on a Pressure cooker. We need them as a way of releasing our suffering. 4. We know we scare you at times, because we are so distraught, but don't look at us as a problem to be fixed so you will feel better. Don't make our healing about what is best for you. We know you want to help, but advice and "should do's" only invalidate our feelings and push us away. 5. Don't try to change us. We will never be the person you once knew - too much has happened to us. Let us be who we are, a grieving, healing person who one day will be similar to that complete person you knew. We want to feel better; we are looking for answers where sometimes there are none. Be patient with us; we know we can be frustrating for you. You may think that we are not trying, but we are, with all our might, all the time. 6. Be an empathetic listener. There is incredible power in saying nothing. Don't feel like you need to fill the silence with words. A gentle hug, a hand held, a simple nod of the head says you care. 7. We will never stop missing our loved one. We think about him just as often as you think about your loved ones who are alive. And that is the way it will always be. If you see us out to dinner or at the show, dancing and smiling, don't think we have healed and no longer need you. Those are our masks. Like any deep wound that scars over, the pain of the wound lives in us forever and stays with us. 8. We love to talk about our loved ones. They still live. Not like they used to, but their spirit lives within us, and we love hearing their names spoken and your stories and memories validate their lives. If we cry when you talk about them, please don't think that you caused our tears. Those are tears from a grateful heart, because you remembered our loved ones. 9. Our loved one's birthday and death days are days we will not forget...ever. You can never remind us they died, but you can remind us they lived through your sharing. You have the power to help us heal by acknowledging those days with a card or a call. Whether it is our first year, our tenth or thirtieth year without our loved ones, when you contact us, you are remembering their lives and that is powerful for us.

10. We know that you hurt, too. This loss of a loved one was a loss for you also. We can help each other heal by staying involved in eacl:r other's lives.

1L. If you are reluctant to call or come by, don't be afraid of us. When you show up, you show you care. Even if all you can do is cry in our arms or over the phone, it helps us know your tears are for us. That helps us heal, and you too.

L2. Finally, if you are a healing partner who can stay with us forever, we will never be able to put into words how grateful we are for your support. When we smile a genuinely h"ppy smile as our lives heal, much of that joy will be because of you. You have that kind of power and we, and our loved ones, will be eternally thankful you had the courage, strength, and most of all, patience to wait for us to return.

Reprinted from Bereaztement Publicøtions, Inc,, Bereøaement Magøzine, Lioing With Loss Møgazine; ßob Anderson, "Just Sit with Me",Spring 2OO6, p.7. Starting Our "New Normal"

By Rob Anderson How do we get back on our knees and learn to crawl again after having been crushed by the terror of our child's death? What can we do to learn how to live again, which is exactly what we try to do? We've begun a new life, a new normal, where we look different, we act different, and we communicate differently than we did in our past life. Most bereaved parents will tell you we now live in terms of before and after our child died. All events are measured in terms of the instant they passed away. When a neighbor tells us they went on vacation last year, we think, my child would still have been alive for another six months. Or, we figure exactly how many days, weeks, months, or years they would have already been gone. lt's an automatic calculation.

My first baby step to my new normal came with the acknowledgment of our son Brendon's death. March 16, 1998, at4:15 p.m. through a phone callfrom my wife, Kathy, was how I first learned that Bren had been murdered. Nine months later, sitting at my desk at our photo studio, the realization that Bren's physical body was never coming back washed over me. lt was still a while before that acknowledgment completely lived in me, but it was a small first step to my new normal. When I was able to say, and believe, that Bren's body was never coming back, I began to heal ever so slightly.

Leaning on those who are willing to support our lifelong journey can help build our new normal. For me, that person has been my sister Marcia. Her unconditional love in the face of my anger, confusion, and irrational behavior has kept me from falling. She could not understand my pain over the murder of her nephew, and never professed to, but she has understood and accepted an emotional turmoil in me that she can relate to. She was grieving her loss, too, but still has reached out to me on many, many levels.

The single most powerful factor in starting my new normal has been the realization that death did not take all of my child. Brendon's death did not take all of his life. His spirit and life live on through my memories. Everything I had with Bren when he was alive still lives in me. Every hug, every kiss, every laugh, and every tear will always be a part of my life. I certainly wish there had been many more memories to be made, but that decision was not mine to make. ln the beginning, the memories I had were mostly about what I lost. I thought Bren was gone forever and I would experience his life again only when I died and we were reunited. Now, most of my memories are more about what I had, and still have, with him The good times, the bad times-all the times are special and treasured moments that I hold closely and am very grateful for. lt's very painful to have lost our son, but we have not lost all of him. His life force and wonderful spirit shines in our lives.

My realization about Bren's life was not something I consciously decided to feel. I didn't go to the healing store and buy it off the shelf. Through my grief work, and leaving myself open to all possibilities of healing, I was able to bring Bren's life back into mine. Frankly, I don't think we have all that much control over our grief. lt just kind of drags us along. What we can control is how we do our grief work and our attitude toward our healing. I believe the terms "grieving" and "healing" are synonymous. As we grieve, we heal.

We must never stop fighting for our children. Their lives are out there waiting for us to bring them back into ours. This is a rough, rough journey, but if we travel it side by side, hand in hand with our kids' lives, it can make our path a bit easier. IWillBe

lf you think of me as gone forever, I willbe.

lf you think of me as sadness and tears, I willbe.

lf you think of me as your broken heart, I willbe.

That's not what I want to be, but I will be

lf you think of me as memories to cherish, I willbe.

lf you think of me as laughter and joy, I willbe.

lf you think of me as your healing heart, I willbe.

That's what I want to be, please let me be. -By Rob Anderson, Brendon's Dad

Rob Anderson and his wife, Kathy, from Sugar Grove, lL, have another son, Aaron, and three grandchildren. Rob sells residential real estate and has been a member of the TCF family for 12 years. Their son Brendon was murdered on March 16, 1998, atthe age of 21

Autumn 2003 I)t, Ltt,írt:1 ,Jj ( i¡t r

I The L0 Best & Worst Things to Say

Keep in mind, context, timing and who is speaking, can impact the way they are perceived!

The Worst Things to Say to Someone in Grief 1. At least she lived a long life, many people die young 2. He is in a better place 3. She brought this on herself 4. There is a reason for everything 5. Aren't you over him yet, he has been dead for a while now 6. You can have another child still 7. She was such a good person God wanted her to be with him 8. I know how you feel 9. She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go 10. Be strong

The Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief l I am so sorry for your loss. 2. I wish I had the right words, just know I care. 3. I don't know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can. 4. You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers. 5. My favorite memory of your loved one is... 6. I am always just a phone call away 7. Give a hug instead of saying something 8. We all need help at times like this, I am here for you 9. I am usually up early or late, if you need anything 10. Saying nothing, just be with the person

Many of us have said "The Best" and "The Worst."'We meant no harm, in fact the opposite. We were trying to comfort. A grieving person may say one of the worst ones about themselves and it's OK. It may make sense for a member of the clergy to say, "He is in a better place" when someone comes to them for guidance. Whereas an acquaintance saying it may not feel good.

Here are some of the traits that make the best, "The Best" and the worst, "The Worst

Traits of the worst ones Traits of the Best ones . They want to frx the loss . Supportive, but not trying to fix it . They are about our discomfort . About feelings . They are directive in nature . Non active, not telling anyone what to do . They rationalize or try to explain loss . Admitting can't make it better . They may be judgmental . Not asking for something or someone to . Not about griever change feelings . May minimize the loss ' Recognize loss . Put a timeline on loss . Not time limited

By David Kessler On Grief & Dying - hltpiZgLjef.convhelpfirl-tips/tire-10-best-ancì-woi¡L-lhings-to-sqv-to-sót¡eone-in-eriel/ The Elephant in the Room written by Terry Kettering

There's an elephant in the room. It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it. Yet we squeeze by with, "How are you?" and "l'm fine," and a thousand other forms of trivial chatter. We talk about the weather. We talk about work. We talk about everything else, except the elephant in the room.

There's an elephant in the room. We all know it's there. We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together. lt is constantly on our minds. For, you see, it is a very large elephant. It has hurt us all.

But we don't talk about the elephant in the room. Oh, please say her name. Oh, please say her name again. Oh, please, let's talk about the elephant in the room.

For if we talk about her death, perhaps we can talk about her life Can I say her name to you and not have you look away? For if I cannot, then you are leaving me....

alone....

ln a room....

with an elephant. llt, lr¡rrail( r ,,, (,r¡r,, Travel Guides

With Tears in Our Eyes - Richard E. Grieving God's Way - Margaret Brownley Lauersdorf (NPH has others titles by A Time to Mourn, A Time to Dance Lauersdorfl - provided by Thrivent Financialfor Traveling through Grief - Susan J. Lutherans Zonnebelt-Smeege, RN., Ed.D. & Tear Soup Pat Schwiebert & Chuck Robert C. De Vries, D.Min., Ph.D. - DeKlyen Choosing fo SEE - Mary Beth Chapman The Problem of Suffering - Gregory Life After the Death of My Son - Dennis L. Schulz Apple Lament for a Son - Nicholas Wolterstorff Prayers for Those Who Grieve - Jill Kelly

Songs for the Road

Beauty Will Rise - Steven Curtis I Can Only lmagrne - Mercy Me Chapman (Entire CD) Homesick- Mercy Me Jesus Will Meet You There The Hurt and the Healer- Mercy Me Our God ls In Control I Look to You - Selah Heaven ls The Place lwill Rise - Chris Tomlin Just Have To Wait Even /f - Kutless Praise You ln This Storm - Casting Arise My Love - NewSong Crowns Rescue - Michael O'Brien Word Of God Speak - Mercy Me ln Christ Alone - Keith & Kristyn Getty Finally Home - Mercy Me 8/essrngs - Laura Story Bring The Rain - Mercy Me Mighty fo Save - Laura Story

Website Rest Areas www.grief.com www.qriefwatch.com www. com oassionatefriends Griefshare.org

t t I it, lttttr¡tt't 't: ,¡ t, When Death Becomes B¡rth by Max Lucado

You, as all God's children, live one final measureless days. By now he's forming fast breath from your own funeral. Which, from friendships with other saints. King David God's perspective, is nothing to grieve. He shows him the harps. Moses invites him responds to these grave facts with this great over for tea and manna. Elijah and Elisha news: "The day you die is better than the take him for a spin in the fiery chariot. day you are bom" (Eccles. 7:l). Now there Daniel has promised him a lion of a Bible is a twist. Heaven enjoys a maternity-ward story. He's on his way to hear it when a reaction to firnerals. Angels watch body voice booms through the celestial city. burials the same way grandparents monitor delivery-room doors. "He'll be coming "Lazaï)s, come out!" through any minute!" They can't wait to see the new arrival. While we're driving hearses Everybody knows that voice. No one and wearing black, they're hanging pink and wonders, Who was that? Angels stop. Hosts blue streamers and passing out cigars. We of holy-city dwellers turn toward the boy don't grieve when babies enter the world. from Bethany, and someone says, "Looks The hosts of heaven don't weep when we like you're going back for another tour of leave it. duty."

Oh, but many of us weep at the thought of Lazarus doesn't question the call. Perfect death. Do you? Do you dread your death? understanding comes with a heavenly passport. He doesn't object. But had he done Is your fear ofdying robbing yourjoy of so, who could have faulted him? His living? Jesus came to "deliver those who heavenly body knows no fever. His future have lived all their lives as slaves to the fear no fear. He dwells in a city that is void of of dying" (Heb.2:15). padlocks, prisons, and Prozac. With sin and death nonexistent, preachers, doctors, and If Scripture boasted a list of the famous lawyers are free to worship. Would anyone dead,Lazarus would be near the top. He blame Lazarus for saying, "Do I have to go lived in Bethany, a sleepy hamlet that sat a back?" short walk from Jerusalem. Jesus spent a lot of time there. Maybe he liked the kitchen of But he doesn't second-guess the command. Martha or the devotion of Mary. One thing Nor does anyone else. Return trips have is for sure: he considered Lazarus a friend. been frequent oflate. The daughter ofthe News of Lazarus' s death prompts Jesus to synagogue ruler. The boy from Nain. Now say, "Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep, Lazarus from Bethany.Lazatus turns toward but now I will go and wake him up" (John the rarely used exit door. The very one, I ll:ll). suppose, Jesus used some thirty earth years earlier. With a wave and within a wink, he's And now, four days after the funeral, Jesus reunited with his body and waking up on a has come calling. Literally calling, "Lazarus, cold slab in a wall-hewn grave. The rock to come out!" Can we try to picture Lazarus as the entrance has been moved, and Lazarus he hears those words? Heaven-sent Lazarus. attempts to do the same. Mummy-wrapped, Heaven-happy Lazarus. Four days into his he stiffly sits up and walks out of the tomb with the grace of Frankenstein's monster.

People stare and wonder.

We read and may ask, "Why did Jesus let him die only to call him back?"

To show who runs the show. To trump the cemetery card. To display the unsquashable strength of the One who danced the Watusi on the neck of the devil, who stood face to clammy face with death and declared, "You call that a dead end? I call it an escalator."

"Lazants, come out!"

Those words, incidentally, were only a warrn-up for the big day. He's preparing a worldwide grave evacuation. "Joe, come out!" "Maria, come out!" "Giuseppe, come out!" "Jacob, come out!" Grave after grave will empty. What happened to Lazarus will happen to us. Only our spirit-body reunion will occur in heaven, not Bethany Memorial Cemetery.

When this happens-when our perishable earthly bodies have been transformed into heavenly bodies that will never die-then at last the Scriptures will come true: "Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" (l Cor. l5:5,1-55)

With Christ as your friend and heaven as your home, the day of death becomes sweeter than the day of birth.

From Come Thirstv Copyright (Thomas Nelson, 2004) Max Lucado ") Tear Soup Cooking Tips Reprinted from Tear Soup , o, recipe f or heoling after loss

Grandy's Cooking Tips

. Grief is the process you go through as you adjust to the loss of anything or anyone important in your life. . The loss of a job, a move, divorce, death of someone you love, or a change in health status are just a few of the situations that can cause grief. . Grief is both physically and emotionally exhausting. It is also irrational and unpredictable and can shake your very foundation. . The amount of "work" your grief requires will depend on your life experiences, the type of loss, and whatever else you have on your plate at that time. . A sudden, unexpected loss is usually more traumatic, more disruptive and requires more time to adjust to. . If your loss occurred through violence, expect that all the normal grief reactions will be exaggerated. . You may lose trust in your own ability to make decisions and/or to trust others. . Assumptions about fairness, life order, and religious beliefs are often challenged. . Smells can bring back memories of a loss and a fresh wave of grief. . Seasons, with their colors and climate, can also take you back to that moment in time when your world stood still. . You may sense you have no control in your life. . Being at work may provi de a relief from your grief, but as soon as you get in the car and start driving home you may find your grief come flooding back. . You may find that you are incapable of functioning in the work environment for a short while. . Because grief is distracting it also means you are more accident-prone. . The object of grieving is not to get over the loss or recover from the loss but to get through the loss. . Over the years you willlook back and discover that this grief keeps teaching you new things about life. Your understanding of life willjust keep going deeper.

** To use lhese tips ìn your publicalions or workshops please make sure lhe following byline is included""

Reprinted with permission from Grief V/atch Copyright @ Glief Watch 20 I l. All rights reserved Tear Soup Copyright @ Grief Watch 1999 Portland, Oregon USA www.griefivatch.com Teor Soup Cooking Tl ps fr; 4'* t Reprinted from Tear Soup , o îecipe f or heoling ofter loss

It' you are the cook

. This is your grief-no one else's. Your friends can't feelyour loss in the same way. It will not affect their life the way it affects yours. And you may resent them for that. . At first you may think dying would be pref.erable to having to go through this pain. Just try to stay alive. Sudden mood swings are normal. You may suddenly be unreason able and short. . Try your best to educate your friends about what you need and how they can help. Be as honest as you can be about how you are feeling. . Don't give up on your friends if they let you down. But if they continue to be insensitive to your grief you may need to distance yourself for a while until you get stronger. . At first you will probably want to talk to as many people as possible, but after a month or so, find one or two people whom you can count on for the long haulto just be there and listen when you need to talk. . Write your thoughts in a journal. It will help you to process and also to remember the new insights you are learning. . Consider attending a support group. Go at least three times before deciding if it is helpfulto you. . Be open to counseling. . Exercise, sleep, drink plenty of fluids, and eat a well balanced diet. . Pamper yourself. Take bubble baths. Get a massage. . Try not to compare your grief with another's. You don't earn points for having a more painful experience than someone else has. And you won't feel less grief if someone else's loss is worse. . You deserve to feel happy again. Being happy doesn't mean you forget. Learn to be grateful for the good days. . Don't be too hard on yourself. . Long after everyone else has forgotten your loss, you will continue to remember. Learn to be content with your private memories.

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Reprinted with permission from Grief Watch Copyright @ Grief Watch 201l. All rights reserved Tear Soup Copyright @ Grief Watch 1999 Portland, Oregon USA www.griefivatch.com Tear Soup Cooking Tips Repriíted fËom Tear Soup , e recipe f or heoling ofter loss

If your friend is the one who is making Tear Soup

. Be there for your friend, even when you don't understand. . Be a source of comfort by listening, laughing, and crytng. . Stick close to your friend and defend their right to grieve. . Allow your friend to make mistakes... or at least to grieve differently from the way you would grieve. . Send flowers. Send money if you know this would help. . Send cards. The message doesn't need to be long. Just let them know you haven't forgotten them. Send one every few weeks for a while. . Call your friend. Don't worry about being a bother. Let your friend tell you if they don't want to talk about their loss right now. . Answering machines and e-mail are great ways to keep in touch allowing the bereaved person to respond only when they feel up to it. . Try to anticipate what your friend may need. Bereaved persons sometimes don't know what to ask for. . Avoid offering easy answers and platitudes. This only invalidates grief. Be patient. Don't try to rush your friend through their grief. . Give your friend permission to grieve in front of you. Don't change the subject or tell them not to cry or act uncomfortable when they do cry. . Ask them questions. But don't tell them how they should feel. . Invite your friend to attend events together, as you normally would. Let them decide if they don't want to attend. . Don't assume because your friend is having a good day that it means they are over heir loss. . Be mindful of holidays, birthdays and anniversaries.

** To ase these tips Ín your publìcations or workshops please make sure lhe following byline ís included""

Reprinted with permission from Grief Watch Copyright @ Grief Watch20ll . All rights reserved. Tear Soup Copyright @ Grief Watch 1999 Portland, Oregon USA www.griefivatch.com Tear Soup Cooking Tips Reprinted from Teor Soup , s recipe f or heoling after loss

Soup Making and Time

. Grief work takes time. Much longer than anyone wants it to

. If a child or spouse dies it may be a year before the bereaved begins to gain a sense of stability, because the loss is highlighted by each season, holiday, anniversary or special day. The second year is not so great either.

. You may be okay one minute but the next minute you may hit bottom

. Nighttime can be particularly difficult. Some people have trouble getting to sleep while others have trouble staying asleep. And then there are those who don't want to wake up.

. Most people can tolerate another's loss for about a month before wanting the bereaved person to get back to normal.

** To use these lips in vour publicalions or workshops please make sure the following b.vline is ìncluded.**

Reprinted with permission from Grief Watch Copyright @ Grief Watch 20I L AlI rights reserved. Tear Soup Copyright O Grief Watch 1999 Portland, Oregon USA www.griefivatch.com Tear Soup Cooking Tips Reprinted from Tear Soup , o recipe 1or heoling ofter loss

lf a child is the cook

. Be honest with the child and give simple, clear explanations consistent with the child's level of under standing. Be careful not to overload them with too many facts. This information may need to be repealed many times. . Prepare the child for what they can expect in a new situation such as, going to a memorial service, or viewing the body. Explain as best you can how others may be reacting and how you would like the child to behave. . When considering if a child should attend a memorial service consult the child. Their wishes should be the maìn factor for the decision. Include the child in gatherings at whatever level they want to participate. Helping to make cookies for the reception may be all they want to do. . Expect them to ask questions like, "Why does he have his glasses on if he's dead and can't read?" Or, "Why is her skin cold?" . Younger children are more affected by disruptions in their environment than by the loss itself. . Avoid confusing explanations of death, such as, "gone away", or "gone to sleep. " It might be better to say, "his body stopped working." . Avoid making God responsible for the death. Instead say, " God didn't take your sister, but God welcomed her." Or, "God is sad that we're sad. But now that your sister has died, she is with God." . Don't assume ihat if the child isn't talking about the loss it hasn't affected them. . Be consistent and maintain the usual routines as much as possible. . Encourage the child to express their feelings and to ask questions. . Children may act out their grief in their fantasy play and artwork. . If children have seen adults cry in the pasi they willbe less concerned about tears now. . Show affection and let them know that they are loved and willbe iaken care of. . Each child reacts differently to loss. Behaviors that you may observe include: withdrawal, acting out, disturbances in sleeping and eating, poor concentration, being overly clingy, regression to earlier stages of development, taking on attributes of the deceased. . Sharing your grief with a child is a way to help them learn about grief.

** To use lhese lips in your pub!ìcations or workshops please make sure fhelollowing bltline ìs included.**

Reprinted with permission from Grief V/atch Copylight @ Grief Watch 201 l. All rights reserved. Tear Soup Copyright @ Grief Watch 1999 Portland, Oregon USA www.griefivatch.com Teor Soup Cooking Tips Repriít ed fìom Teor Soup , s recipe f or heoling after loss

lf you are s male chef

. The world may not see you the bereaved person that you are. Because of your gender, in our society you may be seen only as the support person-a role you probably play very well.

. If you have been taught from an early age that "big boys don't cry," you may feel ashamed of your own tears. Other people may also be uncomfortable with your tears.

. Don't hold your grief in. Find a safe place or someone who is not afraid of your grief.

. People may tell you how strong you are when you hold in your grief. Don't con fuse grieving with weakness and not grieving with strength. In fact, holding grief in is very hard on your body and can weaken your health.

. Gender does not determíne your grieving style, but it may at'fecf the way you grieve.

. Assume that your initial response to grief is the right response for you at that time. Try not to behave as others think you should-but as you need to.

** To use tltese lips in your publìcnlìons or workshops please mnke sure lhe following bltlìne is íncluded*"

Reprinted with permission from Grief Watch Copyright @ Grief Watch 201 I . All rights reserved. Tear Soup Copyright @ Grief Watch 1999 Portland, Oregon USA www.griefiratch.com Tear Soup Cooking Tips Reprinted from Teqr Soup , a tecipe f or heoling after loss

If there are two of you cooking

. Grief is unique to the individual. You may both experience the same loss, but you won't grieve inthe sameway. In otherwords, you are in ittogether, butyou are in it alone.

. At first you may feel closer to each other than ever bef.ore. But that may change the farther you get away from your shared loss.

. Try not to judge each other

. Talk to each other when you can. . Don't let your partner be your only source of comfort.

. Write each other notes

. It is normal to want others to grieve the same way you grieve and to communicate the same way you communicate. But life is just not that easy.

. Sexual desire may be affected. You both need intimacy, but not necessarily sex. Talk about it.

. Remember the past, hope for the future, but live in the present.

** To use these tips in ltour publicntìons or workshops please mnke sure lhe following byline is included."*

Reprinted with permission from Grief Watch Copyright @ Grief Watch 201 I . AII rights reserued. Tear Soup Copyright @ Grief Watch 1999 Portland, Oregon USA www.grieñvatch.com Grandy's Tear Soup Cooking Tips

All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form without permission in writing from the publisher. Requests for permission to make copies of any part of the work should be directed to:

Grief Watch 2ll6NE lSthAvenue Portland, Oregon 97212 USA (503) 284-7426 (503) 282-8985 fax [email protected]

www. gri efw atch. c om / www. te ar s oup. c om

Library of Congress Card Catalog Number 97-92835 Tear Soup - ISBN-l0: 0961519762 Tear Soup - ISBN-l3: 978-0961519766 Sopa de Lagrimas - ISBN-IO: 0972424164 Sopa de Lagrimas - ISBN-l3: 978-0972424165

Conceptualized, conceived and birthed in the warmth of the 18th Ave. Peace House, Portland, Oregon USA

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