Vol. 104 Issue 3 December 17, 2018 MIT ­35 cents

Stephen Hawking

Death Grips is Online

The Life & Times of Woopster Garou

"All the Booze SR1729 That...Ahh" The Age Old Question of Old Age

Trump Wins Presidency

Stephen Hawking

Woopster Garou

Death Grips

Local Band

Tupac's Ghost

ONTHE COVER Stephen Hawking photographed in Cambridge on Dec. 9th, 2018, by Karina Hinojosa. Grooming by Kevin Santillan. Styling by Jacob Miske. Television by Hector Iglesias.

DECEMBER 17, 2018 web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ | S TONERS ROLL | 3 Est. 1919 — December 2018 Vol. 104 Issue 3 STONERS ROLL*

Editor-In-Chief Art Editor Photography Ad Manager

Managing Editor Literary Editor Publicity Office Manager Manager

Art Publisher

Funded By Literary Contributers CHECK OUT THE ARCHIVE ON OUR WEBSITE!

Voo Doo, MIT Humor Magazine (ISSN 1066-2499), is published by *Stoner's Roll is an MIT Phosphorus Publishing twice a year assuming apathy does not Voo Doo parody issue, ya consume us all. All material ©2018 Voo Doo Magazine and individual dingbat.** authors. Single copy price $2, two issue mail subscription $3. **Apologies to our readers Submissions accepted from any past or present MIT affiliate. who are actual dingbats. Advertisers: write for rates, page sizes, and deadlines.

Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is coincidental. Content published does not necessarily reflect the views of individual authors, VOO DOO, MIT, or any other entities with which it may be associated. VOO DOO does not take responsibility for any consequences of people reading the magazine. By choosing to view this magazine, you put yourself at risk of taking offense, doubling over in uncontrollable laughter, and/or nuclear radiation. VOO DOO is not printed on recycled paper due to concerns about the environmental impact of the "deinking" process, but is printed with soybased inks so if you chew it long enough, it tastes like tofu. VOO DOO is printed at Turley Publishing, Inc. and produced with free/libre and open source software because its Editor­in­Chief likes to pretend he cares about the environment and hippie shit like that.

4 | S TONERS ROLL | web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ DECEMBER 17, 2018

Correthpondenth

PiscaToast Rump Roast ViaFacebook In SR 1728, Porky "the Pig" Rodriguez traveled to Buenos Aires to attend the 2018 G20 summit ["The 2018 Political Winter TheWaronDrugs Olympics"]. After a brief mix-up with his press credentials, Rodriguez was let onto the press moshpit to ask our country's leader a few questions. Readers—and Trump— responded.

Paul is Dead(?) NotTheRealTigerWoods

melonhead01,viaInternet #ElonGate

Via the Internet

Caesar Ness Via carrier pigeon babyface_tm Via the Internet PeterFile,viaemail

Donald J. Trump JohnWayan Via Twitter ViaMorseCode WorldCup Ender Price Little Rock, AR

All of Telemundo Contact Us LETTERS to Voo Doo Sophie Cleats Magazine, 77 Massachusetts Joaquin Stick Via the Internet Avenue, Cambridge, MA 02139. Billy Shears, via W.A.S.T.E. Kalamazoo, MI MIT Room 50-309 E-MAIL Send submissions to [email protected], or join our Et tu, Spotify? mailing list [email protected] MEETINGS (Usually) Wednesdays from 6-8pm in our office, 50-309, in Walker Memorial.

6 | S TONERS ROLL | web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ DECEMBER 17, 2018

That List Page MY LIST

2. Numbers 1. Letters Numbers are the foundation of all our SOMEONE GLVED logic and certainty in THE CAPS-LOCK the world. However, Phos T. since this list page is BUTTON ON OVR ordered by numbers, Cat COMPVTER, SO we do not want to be accused of nepotism, WE’RE IVST GOING so we’re giving TO PRETEND THIS numbers the #2 spot. 3. Ingredients ENTRY IS ALL Carbonated Water, High "What? You need a list ABOVT THE LATIN Fructose Corn Syrup, from me to fill the space Concentrated Orange on the right side of this ALPHABET. THIS Juice, Citric Acid, Natural page?" asked Phos after VVAY, VVE CAN Flavor, Sodium Benzoate we forgot we needed to (Preserves Freshness), fill the space on the right GET AVVAY VVITH Caffeine, Sodium Citrate, Erythorbic Acid side of this page. SHOVTING ABOVT (Preserves Freshness), Gum Arabic, Calcium HOVV EPIC THIS Disodium EDTA (To Hitchhiker’s Guide to LOOKS. Protect Flavor), the Galaxy Brominated Vegetable Only to be read by really Oil, Yellow 5. hoopy froods who know 4. David Letterman’s where their towel is. Top 10’s Star Wars Original Top Ten Reasons Why Letterman’s Top 10’s Trilogy Were Timeless: 10. Witty. Don’t be too proud of this 9. Topical. 8. Suspenseful. technological terror 7. Endearing. you’ve constructed. The 6.Descending. 5. I’m. ability to make special 4. Running. 3. Out. 2. Of. effects is insignificant 1. Ideas. next to the power of a story.

6. FBI’s Most Wanted Lord of the Rings This particular list would be higher up in the list page, One film to set the stage. but we feel that the lack of including the concept of One film to raise your racism brings this down to the #6 spot. Please call 1- hair. One film to end it all. 800-CALL-FBI if you have any information that would If it ever gets there. lead to the apprehension of racism. Matrix 5. Linked Lists This film trilogy gave me These lists are 7. That List Page a finer appreciation for usually used as a We’re humble, so this Mike & Ike’s. I want a programmer’s list page is the last on strawberry-banana pill, introduction to our list of lists that please. pointers, but no one could have ever been has thought of asking listed. The Foundation Trilogy why there is only one Violence is the last recourse of conical section for the incompetent, which is why these data structures. Is it too much to ask my computer is broken after for a hyperbolically finishing this list. linked list?

8 | S TONERS ROLL | web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ DECEMBER 17, 2018 Q&A KANYE WEST P. 16 | TV 'WHO IS AMERICA?' SERIOUSLY. WHO? P. 17

Death Grips is Online The Sacramento-based experimental hip-hop trio are back with their latest funhouse of horrors. BY HECTOR IGLESIAS

MC Ride onstage before he bowls a strike into the crowd.

DECEMBER 17, 2018 web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ | S TONERS ROLL | 9 I

The album cover art for Year of the Split.

10 | S TONERS ROLL | web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ DECEMBER 17, 2018 The Myth of the Local Band A look into the dark underbelly of the MBTA, where a rotating cast of local buskers entertain the Greater Boston area. BY JACOB MISKE L

DECEMBER 17, 2018 web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ | S TONERS ROLL | 11 On the Rainy Rio Grande A tale of love, tragedy, and a mocha frappucino, all for the low, low price of $6.99. I'll have a large—oops, I meant a venti. BY BEN SHEFFER I

12 | S TONERS ROLL | web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ DECEMBER 17, 2018 Above: The espresso machine seconds after it malfunctioned in front of Pablo.

DECEMBER 17, 2018 web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ | S TONERS ROLL | 13 The Murder of Tupac Shakur 2: The Sequel: The Movie: The Article The mysterious case of a hologram's untimely death brings more questions than answers. BY ADRIAN MEZA L

14 | S TONERS ROLL | web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ DECEMBER 17, 2018 The Medium of the Future After many delays, Apple is finally able to bring streaming into the brains of its users. BY JACKIE MONTANTE L

DECEMBER 17, 2018 web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ | S TONERS ROLL | 15 Before we start this interview, I just wanted to Yo, that’s craz- say that I love your music, and you are very inspirational to the youth and all that. You make me want to be a better man, and I feel like on top of the world when you speak your mind.

You were holed up in the great state of Wyoming for these sessions earlier this year. The mountains? Gorgeous. And you helped I met with the president some time ago. produce Ye, Daytona, Nasir, the list goes on K&YE Immediately afterwards, there was a lot of and on. But people are like, whoa, this is talk going on. MAGA this. MAGA that. All short. Can you even call these albums? these people who are trying to shoehorn me in this box they created themselves, trying to scare me to not be myself, to not wear this hat. What are your thoughts on this suppression of my ideas?

You go hard on your albums, man. I’m serious. It really shows how much you care about people, and life, and everything. Life’s a game, so you gotta be the best damn player out there and help others when you can. Are there times outside the studio when you do this? You said the hat gives you power. Like, when I put it on, I’m like, MAGAAAAAAAAAA! Would you mind if I use my scouter to check your power level with that hat on?

What, nine thousand!? There's no way that can be right!

Not only did you produce and release all those albums this year, but you also dropped that collab with Kid Cudi. Kids See Ghosts. What sort of ghosts inspired you to make I can’t even begin to understand how you this album? come up with these new insights. You’re an incredibly forward thinker man. On behalf of myself and all your fans out there, would you mind sharing what goes on in the brain to produce such novel ideas? Kanye On April 19, 2018, you blessed the world with one of the most momentous and powerful statements ever made in the music industry. West Lift Yourself. I think that no one can dispute that those bars took the world by storm. The hip-hop icon interviews Would you care to expand on the meaning of the song? himself about the origins of the innovative album Kids See Ghosts and why we all need to spread the love like there's no tomorrow. BY KANYE WEST

16 | S TONERS ROLL | web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ DECEMBER 17, 2018 20/20 Television Who is Sacha Baron Cohen? The man, the myth, the Borat. BY KEVIN SANTILLAN

W

WHO IS AMERICA? HBO

Cohen can't even recognize himself anymore.

DECEMBER 17, 2018 web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ | S TONERS ROLL | 17 StochasticNotes STRIKE FOR RIGHTS Boston's own Green Monster goes on strike and vows to fight systemic oppres- sion on all kinds of monster.

Meth-OD Acting Shia Lebouf prepares for a new role as a serial crack addict by modeling life after those living in the worst conditions.

GETTING EVEN In a shocking turn of events, the ongoing list of prime numbers decided to SURPRISE, SURPRISE disinherit the first prime Following the criticism of number after they realized it was the odd one out. choosing Bloomberg as the 2019 Commencement Speaker, MIT ICE CREAM came to its senses and replaced Guantanamo him with the Crown Prince of Bay publicly Saudi Arabia. announces new primal FEELIN' BLUE? scream Following the therapy program that departure of allows Ameer Vann, inmates to Brockhampton destress. enlisted the help of a member from the Blue Man Group to fill the vacant position on the stage and in their hearts.

18 | S TONERS ROLL | web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ DECEMBER 17, 2018 HERBIE GETS SICK Self-driving cars have been experiencing their own car sickness lately due to the spinning laser system SAT ON MY D*** mounted around them. On his SAT exam, Lil' Pump tattooed the test answers on his face and repeatedly slammed his forehead onto the test hoping that the ink was still fresh enough to stick.

TOILETTROUBLES Amazon CEO Jeffff Bezos hears tthe criies off emplloyees exposed tto bear repellllentt,, butt due tto hiis INACTION IS IIBS,, he mustt ffiirstt ffllush allll 47 ACTION ttoiilletts iin hiis mansiion beffore he MIT President can rescue tthem.. Rafael Reif prepares for another relaxing day of not address- ing issues as he continues to follow the principle of least action.

Ho-Ho-Huh? A cult of mall Oh, Santas are traveling to the Pooh North Pole for their yearly trip to Bear worship The Great One. Posters of Winnie the Pooh have been popping up everywhere in China as part of a guerilla marketing scheme for the long-awaited video game Kingdom Hearts III. Pooh and other characters from the 100-Acre Woods will make an appearance in KH3 to much fans' anticipation.

DECEMBER 17, 2018 web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ | S TONERS ROLL | 19 The Age Old Question of Old Age Humans typically die from being too old, but a recent dispute between the President and the rest of the country may result in the nullification of the concept. BY PHOSPHORUS T

20 | S TONERS ROLL | web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ DECEMBER 17, 2018 The amendment “that protects us from “cruel or S unusual punishment” in our government’s constitution would theoretically protect us from aging itself.”

DECEMBER 17, 2018 web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ | S TONERS ROLL | 21 Trump Confirmed President Stoners Roll led a two-year long investigation into the claims that Donald J. Trump was the President of the United States. These are their findings. BY PHOSPHORUS I

22 | S TONERS ROLL | web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ DECEMBER 17, 2018 Presidents don’t shoot off “at the hip with crass and illegible digital messages on platforms controlled by tech-bros in Silicon Valley”

DECEMBER 17, 2018 web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ | S TONERS ROLL | 23

S

"Information paradox occurs when you send information into a black hole and it cannot be retrieved.

That’s why I sent my browser history past the event horizon shortly before my death."

26 | S TONERS ROLL | web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ DECEMBER 17, 2018 Above: Teaching an impromptu lecture at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (2018).

DECEMBER 17, 2018 web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ | S TONERS ROLL | 27 28 | S TONERS ROLL | web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ DECEMBER 17, 2018 DECEMBER 17, 2018 web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ | S TONERS ROLL | 29 Woop Garoo

Above: Poster for the first Woop Garoo short Phos. The Phosphorus film became an instant success, but it wasn't long before its star began to lose the quality that had initially made him famous.

30 | S TONERS ROLL | web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ DECEMBER 17, 2018 Woop Garoo

DECEMBER 17, 2018 web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ | S TONERS ROLL | 31

Reviews The Band is Back Together

The group gets down and funky with this latest installment in their eclectic discography.

Gorillaz ½ BY HECTOR IGLESIAS

DECEMBER 17, 2018 web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ | S TONERS ROLL | 33 Reviews

Parquet Courts

The wokest band in all these 50 states.

Fly Me to the Moon Kamasi Washington The Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino is the first of its kind to generate mixed reviews. Arctic Monkeys Roll Over Dante!

34 | S TONERS ROLL | web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ DECEMBER 17, 2018 ! BY JACKIE MONTANTE

Car Seat Headrest I

It came from Bandcamp! (At least, the original one did)

Greta Van Fleet AnthemofthePeacefulArmy Republic Records

Eminem

Eminem used his License to Ill to Sabotage this Kamikaze of an album.

DECEMBER 17, 2018 web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ | S TONERS ROLL | 35 Talkies By Noah McDaniel

More Dinos. Hi, Who Am I Speaking With? Hooray. Sorry to Bother You Directed by Boots Riley Jurassic Park: Fallen Kingdom

Directed by J. A. Bayona

Houston? WeHave a Problem. 2001:ASpaceOdyssey evil, sentient AI to that freaky- deaky montage Directed by Stanley Kubrick at the end. Geez, the production I UNDERSTAND THAT behind this film people absolutely adore the is awful by vintage feel of some of the modern recent movies released this down, especially when it is standards; it looks like it year, but I draw the line ripping off films such as was made in the 60’s! What when the aesthetic is a Interstellar and Gravity. I don’t understand, though, detriment to the film. 2001: This film spews all the is why they called it “re- A Space Odyssey is not a obvious clichés at the release” if it just came out tale Homer would dare pass viewer, from the predictable this year?

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Godzilla The "King of Monsters" on acting, humans, and ozone emissions.

38 | S TONERS ROLL | web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ DECEMBER 17, 2018