FUNNY FACE 210211 2nd Draft
FUNNY FACE The Musical
Music and Lyrics by George and Ira Gershwin Book by Dick Scanlan Based on the Paramount Pictures Film Funny Face
Musical Score Adaptation, Arrangements and Music Supervision by Michael Rafter
Directed by Michael Mayer
February 11, 2021 2nd Draft
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ACT I
Prologue
A show drop of fashion magazines from 1949—Vogue, Cosmopolitan, Mademoiselle, Glamour, Harpers Bazaar and—more prominently featured than the others—Quality Magazine.
#1 – Overture
(The show drop rises to reveal ENSEMBLE WOMEN clutching copies of Quality Magazine the way true believers clutch the Good Book. THEY range in ages, ethnicities and socio-economic circumstances.)
#2 – Pay Some Attention to Me
ENSEMBLE WOMEN PAY ATTENTION! PAY ATTENTION! PAY ATTENTION— ATTENTION TO ME!
(THEY open their magazines, conjuring THE THREE SISTERS: RADLIFFE, WELLESLEY and MOUNT HOLYOKE, editors at Quality.)
RADCLIFFE Every woman knows that no fashion is sure-fire unless he approves.
WELLESLEY Good thing Quality Magazine can foresee how he wants to see you.
MOUNT HOLYOKE The “he” every “she” dresses for.
(Enter ENSEMBLE MEN. THEY sing to ENSEMBLE WOMEN.)
ENSEMBLE MEN YOU MOON! YOU MOAN! YOU SWOON! YOU GROAN!
ENSEMBLE WOMEN WHEN YOU PAY SOME ATTENTION TO ME!
ENSEMBLE MEN YOU BURN! YOU SIGH! YOU YEARN! YOU DIE!
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ENSEMBLE WOMEN WHEN YOU PAY SOME ATTENTION TO ME!
WELLESLEY Quality formed a jury of gents who don’t know taffeta from tweed—
MOUNT HOLYOKE But they know what looks good on a gal!
RADLIFFE That’s right: every outfit in this month’s issue is man-tested!
ENSEMBLE WOMEN MY CLOTHES I KEEP PRESSING; MY HAIR I KEEP DRESSING; MY FACE I’M COLD-CREAMING— DREAMING— “PLEASE, PAY SOME ATTENTION TO—”
ENSEMBLE MAN 1 This year’s skirt is 14” from the floor for day and early evening—
ENSEMBLE MAN 2 But long for full formal.
RADLIFFE, WELLESLEY and MOUNT HOLYOKE Man-tested!
ENSEMBLE WOMEN MY WAIST I KEEP THINNER, NO STARCHES AT DINNER, NEW HATS I KEEP BUYING, SIGHING, “PLEASE, PAY SOME ATTENTION TO—”
ENSEMBLE MAN 3 This year’s color is plum with scarlet.
ENSEMBLE MAN 4 Fir green with marigold.
ENSEMBLE MAN 1 And that little black dress will often be blue.
RADLIFFE, WELLESLEY and MOUNT HOLYOKE Man-tested!
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ENSEMBLE WOMEN I’M DOING MY DARNDEST TO TRY TO MAKE YOU CARE; I’M HOPING MY DARNDEST IS GETTING ME SOMEWHERE. MY HAIR I’M RESTYLING TO MAKE ME BEGUILING. MY HANDS I KEEP CLASPING— GASPING,
RADCLIFFE, WELLESLEY, MOUNT HOLYOKE AND ENSEMBLE WOMEN “PLEASE, PAY SOME ATTENTION TO ME.”
RADCLIFFE Pad those hips!
MOUNT HOLYOKE Lift that bust!
WELLESLEY Cut that hair!
ENSEMBLE MEN Don’t cut that hair!
ALL Man-tested!
RAD, WEL, MH and ENSEMBLE WOMEN ENSEMBLE MEN MY CLOTHES I KEEP PRESSING; YOU MOON! MY HAIR I KEEP DRESSING; YOU MOAN! MY FACE I’M COLD-CREAMING— YOU SWOON! DREAMING— YOU GROAN! “PLEASE, PAY SOME ATTENTION TO ME.” PAY ATTENTION, MY WAIST I KEEP THINNER, PAY ATTENTION. NO STARCHES AT DINNER, YOU BURN! YOU SIGH! NEW HATS I KEEP BUYING, YOU YEARN! YOU DIE! SIGHING, PAY ATTENTION, “PLEASE, PAY SOME ATTENTION TO ME.” PAY ATTENTION TO ME.
ENSEMBLE MEN YOU’RE DOING YOUR UTMOST TO TRY TO MAKE US CARE;
ENSEMBLE WOMEN WE’RE HOPING OUR UTMOST IS GETTING US SOMEWHERE. MY TEETH I KEEP BRUSHING. TO YOU I KEEP RUSHING.
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(ENSEMBLE WOMEN) WITH PASSION I’M BURING, YEARNING—
ENSEMBLE MEN YOU MOON! YOU SIGH! YOU SWOON! YOU DIE!
RADCLIFFE, WELLESLEY, MOUNT HOLYOKE AND ENSEMBLE WOMEN PLEASE, PAY SOME ATTENTION—
RADCLIFFE, WELLESLEY, MOUNT ENSEMBLE MEN HOLYOKE AND ENSEMBLE WOMEN MY SAL-RY I SAVED UP. PAY MY LEGS I KEEP SHAVED UP. AT- I MADE MY HAIR BLONDER. TEN- A FORTUNE I SQUANDER. TION! I HAD MY FACE LIFTED. PAY AT- I HAD MY NOSE SHIFTED. TENTION TO PLEASE! ME! PLEASE! ME! PLEASE! ME! PLEASE! ME! PLEASE!
(Enter JO STOCKTON as ENSEMBLE MEN exit, one of them handing JO a copy of Quality on his way out. JO, 25, a serious intellectual and a serious if quirky beauty, is on her way somewhere, and even though we don’t know who SHE is or where SHE’s going, we know SHE’ll get there. JO looks at the latest issue of Quality Magazine and screams.)
JO AAAAAAH!
(Exit JO… and if SHE was purposeful before, SHE’s now Joan of Arc, Clarence Darrow and Lady Liberty rolled into one.)
ENSEMBLE WOMEN PLEASE PAY SOME ATTENTION TO ME.
(ENSEMBLE WOMEN collapse in exhaustion.)
SCENE 1
A classroom at City College New York, where a PROFESSOR addresses his students, all male except for JO.
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#3 – What Are We Here For?
PROFESSOR Cast the net wider than Nietzsche. Trust me, he’s overdone. Think Kierkergaard! Kant! And don’t forget Heidegger. A panoply of great men grappling with the big questions—
WHAT ARE WE HERE FOR?
JO and STUDENTS WHAT ARE WE HERE FOR?
PROFESSOR I’D LIKE TO KNOW—
JO and STUDENTS WE’VE GOT TO KNOW!
STUDENT SOLO 1 IF NOT TO DANCE AND TO PLAY?
PROFESSOR Dig deep!
STUDENT SOLO 1 IF NOT TO LAUGH AND BE GAY!
PROFESSOR Well….
JO and STUDENTS WHAT IS THE SPRING FOR?
PROFESSOR WHAT DO BIRDS SING FOR?— DOWN HERE BELOW—
ALL WHAT ARE WE HERE FOR ANYWAY!
JO Professor Chapman, I’d like to do my thesis on existentialism.
PROFESSOR Interesting. Which works of Sartre’s would you—
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JO None. He doesn’t speak to me. (Holds up a bible like tome.) But Simone De Beauvoir—
PROFESSOR Le Deuxième Sexe?
JO Just published in Paris. My BA’s in French, remember? (Holds up Quality Magazine.) And when every newsstand I pass is hawking this—
PROFESSOR “Man-tested Fashion.”
JO Everything that’s wrong with the world. (Indicates Le Deuxième Sexe.) Here’s how to right it. Put ‘em together, you have my thesis.
PROFESSOR On a fashion trend?
JO On Beauvoir’s premise that what we call “woman” is a social construct built to man’s specifications.
STUDENT 1 Well built, right Jo?
(STUDENTS catcall, etc.)
JO Go ahead. (Indicates Le Deuxième Sexe.) I now know I can disregard man’s specifications—boys’ too—and replace them with my own.
PROFESSOR That’s what this book of yours is about? Because philosophy is serious business for serious—
JO I am serious! Feminism—
PROFESSOR Is not a philosophy.
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JO Existentialism is, and Beauvoir connects them. First person to explore—philosophically, not politically—why women let men treat us the way you do.
PROFESSOR Point taken. Passion noted. Proposal denied.
JO But—
PROFESSOR (To STUDENTS.) Now, where were we? Ah, yes, the big questions.
#3A – What Are We Here For? (reprise)/Man the Master
ALL minus JO WHAT ARE WE HERE FOR? WHAT ARE WE HERE FOR? I’D LIKE TO KNOW.
JO (To herself, demoralized but not defeated.) I’VE GOT TO KNOW. (Surreptitiously opens Le Deuxième Sexe and reads to herself.) MAN, THE MASTER, COURTS DISASTER WHEN HE TRIES TO MASTER ME!
PROFESSOR Spinoza’s aiming high, but How to Win Friends and Influence People? Not high enough.
JO I DEFY HIM, FIERCELY EYE HIM— I HAVE RIGHTS AS WELL AS HE. I’M HIS MATCH, FOR I CAN SCRATCH!
PROFESSOR Be careful with Aristotle: he can be classic or cliché.
JO MAN, THE MASTER, COURTS DISASTER TRYING TO MASTER—
PROFESSOR Class dismissed. Miss Stockton?
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JO Yes?
PROFESSOR If you wish to remain in this class—in this program!—I’ll expect a revised proposal. (Starts to exit, then stops.) You know, you’re not unattractive. Pity your politics are.
(Exit PROFESSOR and STUDENTS, leaving JO alone and enraged.)
#4 – March of the Suffragettes
JO FREEDOM’S TORCHES ARE FLAMING! TYRANNY WE’LL BE TAMING! FIGHT ON, SISTER, PROCLAIMING: WOMEN CAN BE PEOPLE, TOO! MARCHING, SHOULDER TO SHOULDER, WE ARE FREEDOM’S UPHOLDER! SING OUT, BOLDER AND BOLDER! WOMEN CAN BE PEOPLE, TOO! WE WANT TO BE JUDGES JUDGING EVILDOERS; WE WANT TO BE ENGINEERS— AND BOOK REVIEWERS; WE WANT TO BE CHIEF COMMISSIONERS OF SEWERS; BUTCHERS, BAKERS, UNDERTAKERS, NEXT NOVEMBER’S CABINET MEMBERS! TOO LONG TIED TO A TETHER— SISTER, SHOW NO WHITE FEATHER. IF WE FIGHT ON TOGETHER, MAN HAS GOT TO TAKE THE VIEW WOMEN CAN BE PEOPLE, TOO!
(As JO sings, ENSEMBLE WOMEN appear at a factory, in a kitchen, in an office, all over the world, each having the awakening JO is having.)
ENSEMBLE WOMAN 1 WE WANT TO BE BOSSES BARKING OUT THE ORDERS;
ENSEMBLE WOMAN 2 WE WANT TO BE ARCHITECTS—
ENSEMBLE WOMAN 3 AND ACE REPORTERS.
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ENSEMBLE WOMEN WE WANT TO BE CROSSING OVER MAN-MADE BORDERS.
ENSEMBLE WOMEN DUO INNOVATIVE.
ENSEMBLE WOMEN DUO LEGISLATIVE.
ENSEMBLE WOMAN 4 CONSEQUENTIAL.
JO and ENSEMBLE WOMEN PRESIDENTIAL! TOO LONG HAVE WE BEEN SLIGHTED. THERE ARE WRONGS TO BE RIGHTED. IF WE FIGHT ON UNITED, MAN HAS GOT TO TAKE THE VIEW WOMEN CAN BE PEOPLE, WOMEN CAN BE PEOPLE,
JO I WILL BE A PERSON—
JO and ENSEMBLE WOMEN TOO!
Scene 2
Enter MAGGIE PRESCOTT, early 50s, a what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of gal—except for the parts you don’t see. Slim, taut and angular, SHE is sensibly but fashionably dressed in black, accented with splashes of color and dangling, jangling accessories that make MAGGIE seem fun… though right now, SHE’s on the warpath, carrying the latest issue of Quality rolled up like a weapon.
#4A – March of the Suffragettes (instrumental)
RADCLIFFE Good morning, Maggie.
MAGGIE You’re half right.
WELLESLEY How are you, Maggie?
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MAGGIE How do I look?
MOUNT HOLYOKE Hey, Maggie—
MAGGIE My office, now!
RADCLIFFE, WELLESLEY and MOUNT HOLYOKE Yes, Maggie!
(MAGGIE’s office at Quality Magazine, midcentury modern with a feminine flourish. About THE THREE SISTERS: RADCLIFFE, fashion editor, 34, works at Quality for the free, fashion-forward clothes; SHE looks like a million bucks but SHE doesn’t have it. WELLESLEY, features editor, 40, is to the manner born. Her wardrobe is classic cuts in tasteful colors built to last by her family’s dressmaker. MOUNT HOLYOKE, food editor, 31, got through college on brains and a full scholarship. SHE’s not interested in expensive clothes, nor can SHE afford them.)
MAGGIE Congratulations! I founded Quality Magazine twenty years ago in a blaze of glory neither the Great Depression nor the Second World War could dim— (Indicates the current issue.) But this comes close! (To RADCLIFFE, pointedly.) “Man-tested Fashion.”
RADCLIFFE You liked it when I pitched it.
MAGGIE Our readers didn’t. “Dear Editor, the man you ask to choose your hat is not a man you want to marry.”
MOUNT HOLYOKE Why not?
(MAGGIE, RADCLIFFE and WELLESLEY exchange looks.)
WELLESLEY We know you went to Mount Holyoke, dear—
MOUNT HOLYOKE Last time I checked, Wellesley was a no-man’s land. Radcliffe too.
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RADCLIFFE WELLESLEY MOUNT HOLYOKE Believe me, there were plenty Every Ivy League man I I wasn’t there for a “MRS” of boys— know— degree—
MAGGIE Radcliffe! Wellesley! Mount Holyoke! I hire ambitious, competitive women, then insist they act like ladies.
WELLESLEY How’s this for ladylike? (Indicates RADCLIFFE.) She got us into this mess.
MAGGIE No, the publisher had us the chopping block long before “Man-tes….” I can’t say it.
RADCLIFFE Maggie’s right. Circulation is down, down, down.
MOUNT HOLYOKE But I need this job!
MAGGIE Who doesn’t? Except Wellesley. Daddy invented the zipper or the cotton gin—
WELLESLEY It was my great grandfather, and it’s a little gear used in every—
MAGGIE Riveting, but we’ve a crisis on our hands. Fortunately, the magazine biz has no memory. Give the next few issues enough bazazz, we can turn this around. So whatcha got? Fashion?
WELLESLEY Pass.
RADCLIFFE I’m fashion, you’re features. You can’t pass for me.
WELLESLEY Seeing as your last idea might be the nail in Quality’s coffin, I can. (Writes on the board in yellow chalk.) “Three Things to Know About Your Beau.”
MAGGIE (Erases the board as RADCLIFFE and MOUNT HOLYOKE groan.) A rehash of an idea that wasn’t of interest the first seven times we ran it. Food?
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MOUNT HOLYOKE (Writes on the board in green chalk.) New recipe for beef bourguignon.
MAGGIE (Erases the board.) Which every woman everywhere would rather starve than eat. No, no, no: we need to win back our readers’ trust. Something fabulous, something new!
RADCLIFFE (Writes on the board in pink chalk.) There’s the New Look.
MAGGIE (Erases the board.) Can someone explain to me how corsets with boning, belts so tight one can’t breathe, heels so high one can’t walk are anything new?
WELLESLEY You know what would be new? Articles that don’t assume the four of us are the only thinking women on the planet.
MAGGIE An issue of Quality can’t feel like homework. Especially now. The Forties are almost over, thank God. Can’t the Fifties have a little bazazz?
MOUNT HOLYOKE Not my department—but what if we hook ‘em with a look, then sneak in the substance?
(MAGGIE, RADCLIFFE and WELLESLEY stare at MOUNT HOLYOKE.)
MAGGIE Sorry. You’re the last person I expected to utter the words, “Hook ‘em with a look.” But you have a point. (To RADCLIFFE regarding the pink chalk.) Give me that. If we want our readers to— (Writes on the board in pink chalk.) T.H.I.N.K.
MOUNT HOLYOKE There’s the substance. Where’s the… what do you call it?
RADCLIFFE and WELLESLEY Bazazz!
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#5 – Think Pink
MAGGIE (Regarding the pink chalk; a lightbulb moment.) Think Pink….
(Hands RADCLIFFE the pink chalk.) Make me dresses in this color. Any style imaginable—long as it’s pink.
THINK PINK.
(To WELLESLEY.) The A-Bomb, end of the war or beginning of the end—what do we think?
(To THE THREE SISTERS.) Get it?
RADCLIFFE MAKE-UP TRICKS.
MAGGIE And?
WELLESLEY CRITICS’ PICKS.
MAGGIE Good.
HAUTE COUTURE.
MOUNT HOLYOKE AND POLITICS.
RADCLIFFE, WELLESLEY and MOUNT HOLYOKE EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO ACHIEVE THE LATEST LOOKS—
MAGGIE Then read great books!
THINK PINK. IT’S THE WAY TO A PLUS CHIC-ER YOU.
RADCLIFFE, WELLESLEY and MOUNT HOLYOKE THINK PINK—
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MAGGIE TO ACCESSORIZE THAT HIGH IQ. NEVER MIND THOSE WHO SAY THAT WOMEN NEEDN’T KNOW HOW TO THINK. YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW WOMEN THINK?
MAGGIE, RADCLIFFE, WELLESLEY and MOUNT HOLYOKE THINK PINK!
MAGGIE Radcliffe, I want hats, gloves, lingerie in dusty rose to bubblegum and every hue in between. (Exit RADCLIFFE.) Mount Holyoke, I want cocktails, petits fours, lemonade—anything pink! (Exit MOUNT HOLYOKE.) Wellesley, I see a literary setting for our next shoot.
WELLESLEY One of those bookstores in Greenwich Village?
MAGGIE Perfect. And call Dick Avery. He reads a lot. He’ll get what we’re going for!
(Exit WELLESLEY. MAGGIE pulls a lever on her phone and dictates.)
THINK PINK. WHETHER WINTER WEAR OR SUMMER CLOTHES. THINK PINK. AND YOU’LL ALWAYS BE THE GAL WHO KNOWS—
Scene 3
FBI headquarters in Washington, D.C. A rookie FBI AGENT 1 peruses the movie section of the paper; a 30-ish FBI AGENT 2 reads a memo.
FBI AGENT 1 Orson Welles … we got a file on him?
FBI AGENT 2 Fat file. What’s up?
FBI AGENT 1 New movie. Didn’t write or direct, just stars.
FBI AGENT 2 Contact the L.A. office, see what they know. (Hands FBI AGENT 1 a copy of Quality Magazine.)
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(FBI AGENT 2) What do you know about this?
FBI AGENT 1 You kidding? I got four sisters.
#5A – Think Pink Part 2 (FBI)
FBI AGENT 2 Cancel their subscriptions. Got a tip about Quality’s upcoming campaign:
THINK PINK.
FBI AGENT 1 MAYBE NOTHING MORE THAN FASHION NEWS.
FBI AGENT 2 THINK PINK. OR A WAY TO SPREAD SUBVERSIVE VIEWS!
FBI AGENT 1 I’ll have the New York boys start a file.
FBI AGENT 2 Better yet: tell ‘em we’re on our way.
Scene 4
A used bookstore, floor-to-ceiling books. Behind the counter is JO, engrossed in Le Deuxième Sexe. Enter RADCLIFFE and WELLESLEY looking fabulous in pink, and MOUNT HOLYOKE looking a tad ridiculous. JO doesn’t look up.
JO Sorry. Closed. Photo shoot.
RADCLIFFE We know.
WELLESLEY We’re the photo shoot.
JO (Looks up to see all that pink.) For what, Pepto-Bismol?
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MOUNT HOLYOKE Quality Magazine.
JO I’d rather have gas. Do they make you dress alike?
WELLESLEY When you see next month’s issue—
JO You kidding? This month’s issue nearly did me in. In fact, if I could, I’d leave.
RADCLIFFE Who’s stopping you?
JO City College. It’s cheap, not free.
WELLESLEY City College? Sweet. Wellesley, English Literature, class of ’31. Cum laude.
RADCLIFFE Radcliffe, Art History, class of ’37. Magna cum laude.
MOUNT HOLYOKE Mount Holyoke, Biochem… and Home Ec—my mother made me. Class of ’40. Summa Cum Laude.
JO All that education to look like a circus act and make women into what men want them to be?
MOUNT HOLYOKE What we make’s a living. New York City’s not free or cheap.
WELLESLEY And if you think we’re a circus act—
(WELLESLEY opens the door and whistles. MODELS and ASSISTANTS invade the store in myriad shades of pink.)
#5B – Think Pink Part 3 (Store Invasion)
ENSEMBLE WOMEN BAGS AND SHOES, INTERVIEWS, OP-ED PIECES—
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MOUNT HOLOYOKE PINK FONDUES.
THE THREE SISTERS and ENSEMBLE WOMEN ALL THE AMMUNITION WE NEED TO CONQUER HEARTS—
(MAGGIE enters, still in black but with pink accessories.)
MAGGIE WITH YOUR SMARTS!
(Enter DICK AVERY, a boyish mid-30s. HE holds a camera in his hand like it’s an extension of his arm. DICK is used to being in charge.)
DICK Think pink!
DICK JO Those tables have to go. (Off DICK’s “… have got to go.”) MOUNT HOLYOKE No one’s moving any tables. Go where, Dick? (Off DICK’s “… can’t be DICK there.”) I don’t care. They can’t be there. And these books should Who do you think you— be organized by size, not subject. MAGGIE! (Off DICK’s “… size, not MAGGIE subject.”) Right here, Dick. Size?!
DICK (Off DICK’s “… pink Did you bring the pink book jackets I asked for? book jackets....”) Pink book jackets? What do you WELLESLEY mean pink book jackets? Right here, Dick. (Off DICK’s “… recover DICK all these books....”) Re-cover all these book then organize by size. Don’t you dare!
RADCLIFFE Right away, Dick.
(DICK sees JO and assume SHE’s a model.)
DICK Hold it. Right there. ‘Attagirl.
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JO (When DICK snaps her photo.) IF YOU DON’T STOP THIS RIGHT NOW—
DICK I stopped.
MAGGIE (To DICK, regarding JO.) Not one of ours.
DICK Why not? She has a look, sort of.
MAGGIE (To JO.) You should be flattered: Dick Avery—
JO I know that name.
MAGGIE He’s only the best in the business!
JO My business is this shop.
MAGGIE Which we rented.
JO “As is.” And if you don’t leave it “as is,” I’ll call the owner!
DICK (Suddenly quite reasonable.) I get it. We come in here, barking orders, “Change this, change that.” It’s rude.
JO Very.
DICK I’m taking your picture, you don’t know why.
JO No idea.
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DICK Can we start over? Dick.
JO Jo. Jo Stockton.
DICK (Crosses to the door.) What do you say we step outside, Jo, and have a reasonable conversation about this?
JO (Wary.) I don’t know….
DICK (Opens the door.) I do. I know exactly how to get the pictures I need without any objection from you.
JO (As DICK ushers her out the door.) You do? How?
DICK By locking you out of the store!
(HE slams and locks the door, then turns back into the boss.)
DICK JO Let’s go! Let’s go! We don’t have all day! Let me in! Let me in this instant!
#5C – Think Pink Part 4 (Photo Shoot)
(A photo shoot. Time is compressed in a series of poses and shots.)
ALL THINK PINK! LIKE THE PRINCESS IN A STORY BOOK. THINK PINK— BUT THIS PRINCESS TAKES A CLOSER LOOK. WHAT TO SEE—
MODEL 1 The critics say to Miller’s play attention must be paid.
ALL SHOPPING SPREE—
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MODEL 2 If you’ve a mind to get ahead then power pink’s your shade.
ALL WHO TO FOLLOW—
MODEL 3 Can Jackson Pollock really paint or is he just a drip?
ALL AND WHO TO BE—
RADCLIFFE Stylish lass—
MOUNT HOLYOKE Brains and class—
WELLESLEY Your own money—
MAGGIE Bet your—
RADCLIFFE, WELLESLEY and MOUNT HOLYOKE THINK PINK!
MAGGIE IF YOU MEMORIZE THIS CATCHY PHRASE—
ALL “THINK PINK!”
MAGGIE YOU CAN SELF IMPROVE IN COUNTLESS WAYS! NEVERMIND THOSE WHO WANT THEIR WOMEN SHACKLED TO THE KITCHEN SINK.
RADCLIFFE, WELLESLEY and MOUNT HOLYOKE LET ‘EM SEE WE’RE ON THE BRINK OF WHIPPING UP QUITE A STINK!
MAGGIE THE LADY’S GOT A RIGHT TO THINK!
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ALL minus MAGGIE THINK PINK! THINK PINK! THINK PINK!
ALL THINK PINK!
(MAGGIE, THE THREE SISTERS, MODELS and ASSISTANTS have exited the store, which looks like a bomb went off.)
DICK I’ll help.
JO How? You wouldn’t know where—
DICK For Whom the Bell Tolls. Fiction. Hemingway. “H” comes after “G,” doesn’t it?
JO Mr. Avery—
DICK Dick. And I’m sorry. I had a job to do—
JO And you didn’t like a woman telling you how to do it.
DICK I wouldn’t like a guy telling me that, either.
JO But you wouldn’t lock him out. Of course, locking women out is what men do. (Hands him the book from the counter.) Simone de Beauvoir—she wrote the book—she says you can sum the world up in a sentence, with man as the subject and woman his object.
DICK What’s so bad about that?
JO Ask Beauvoir.
DICK In French? Pas non. But my English ain’t bad, and places like this.…. Makes me want to quit my job, work here and devour every book ever written.
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JO (Hands him a book of photographs.) Like this one?
DICK My book! You’re the one who bought it.
JO I knew I knew your name—though the pictures couldn’t be further from Quality Magazine. The Depression, the Dustbowl….
DICK (Peruses the book; it’s been a while since HE’s seen it.) Those faces—like they’re lit from within. And these people—
JO Real people, not objects.
DICK They had nothing.
JO The Dick Avery who photographed them had something. What happened to him?
DICK Some people prefer looking at pretty girls.
JO Which do you prefer?
DICK The paycheck.
JO Look, we can stand here arguing—
DICK Or we can argue over a nice dinner.
JO Not hungry.
DICK A drink, then.
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JO Not thirsty.
DICK I guess a kiss is out.
JO (Holds up Le Deuxième Sexe.) Nine hundred pages says it is.
DICK And you’re ready to hit me over the head with ‘em.
JO Why bother? (Opens the door.) Men will never change the system because the system works for men.
DICK (Steps outside.) Which I guess leaves you there—
JO And you not.
(JO’s turn to slam and lock the door. SHE goes back to Beauvoir.)
#6 – Man the Master (reprise)
(JO) I DEFY HIM, FIERCELY EYE HIM. I HAVE RIGHTS AS WELL AS HE. I’M HIM MATCH, FOR I CAN SCRATCH….
Scene 5
DICK in his darkroom developing photos from the shoot. He lifts prints from a tray and clips them to the wall: gorgeous model, gorgeous model, JO’s face. HE smiles remembering their encounter, and HE’s about to replace JO’s face with a gorgeous model… till HE takes a closer look.
#7 – Funny Face
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DICK FUNNY FACE…. FUNNY FACE…. YOU’RE A CUTIE WITH MORE THAN BEAUTY; YOU’VE GOT A LOT OF PERSONALITY N.T. YOU FILL THE AIR WITH SMILES, FOR MILES AND MILES AND MILES. THOUGH YOU’RE NO MONA LISA, FOR WORLDS I’D NOT REPLACE YOUR SUNNY, FUNNY FACE. TRUTH BE TOLD THIS PHOTOGRAPH REVEALS TO ME THAT AT HEART YOU’RE REALLY NOT SO BAD. IF I ADD YOUR FUNNY FACE APPEALS TO ME, AM I THINKING RIGHT OR GOING MAD? I LOVE YOUR FUNNY FACE.
(MAGGIE addresses THE THREE SISTERS in her office.)
MAGGIE I sent word of “Think Pink” to some of the finer houses and guess who bit? Charles Alain de Lafayette!
MOUNT HOLYOKE (An American “ch.”) Charles who?
RADCLIFFE Charles Alain de Lafayette—the wunderkind of Paris fashion!
(The darkroom.)
DICK YOUR SUNNY, FUNNY FACE.
(MAGGIE’S office.)
MAGGIE He’s giving us an exclusive on his spring line.
WELLESLEY You mean The Three Sisters…?
MAGGIE À Paris! But there’s a catch: we have to find the girl around whom Charles will build his entire collection.
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(The darkroom.)
DICK YOU’RE NOT EXOTIC BUT SO HYPNOTIC; YOU’RE MUCH TOO MUCH TO READ A BOOK THE WAY YOU LOOK.
(DICK crosses to MAGGIE’s office, where the search continues.)
Maggie, I got the proofs from the shoot.
MAGGIE (Maybe this could be the face THEY’re looking for!) Lemme see! (DICK presents her with a photo of JO.) That clerk?! Dick! I’ve no time for this. Charles Alain de Lafayette is offering us an exclusive if we find him the Face of Lafayette: someone fresh, someone new, someone— (Starts to see what DICK sees.) Oh.
DICK Right?
MAGGIE Oh my.
DICK I know.
MAGGIE Get her in here!
MOUNT HOLYOKE Good luck. She hates Quality Magazine.
MAGGIE (Picks up the phone and dials.) Not if I buy enough books. (Into phone.) Maggie Prescott here, founder and editor of Quality Magazine. I’d like to place the biggest order you’ve had all year, a kind of olive branch for our little misunderstanding. What do you mean you don’t understand? I was there, Miss—
DICK (MAGGIE doesn’t know JO’s name.) Stockton.
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MAGGIE Stockton, and I—you’re not? Well put her on! Where is she? Uh-huh, and where does she—I see. Thanks for your… help. What’s that? Biggest order you’ve had all year? Absolutely not. (Hangs up.) She’s in class, but they won’t say where.
MOUNT HOLYOKE We know where.
WELLESLEY Don’t say it.
RADCLIFFE City College.
WELLESELY But we’ve no idea what she studies, and we can’t very well go class to ever lower class.
DICK (DICK produces more photos; each more beguiling than the next.) I’D SWIM THE OCEAN WIDE JUST TO HAVE HER BY MY SIDE— THOUGH SHE’S NO QUEEN OF SHEBA, FOR WORLDS I’D NOT REPLACE HER SUNNY, FUNNY—
Beauvoir!
RADCLIFFE Who’s that?
MAGGIE Writes about women’s rights, with some Marxism in the mix.
DICK This one’s obsessed. What would that be, political science?
MAGGIE Philosophy. Let’s go. (To WELLESLEY, who’s removing jewelry.) Wellesley, what are you doing?
WELLESLEY I doubt family heirlooms are the look at public universities.
(Exit MAGGIE and THE THREE SISTERS. DICK gathers the photos.)
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DICK ALTHOUGH YOU’RE NO PATOOTIE, FOR WORLDS I’D NOT REPLACE YOUR SUNNY, FUNNY FACE.
Scene 6
The classroom. MALE STUDENT is mid-presentation.
STUDENT 1 And that’s why I’m doing my thesis on Henry David Thoreau.
PROFESSOR Excellent choice. Miss Stockton, you still haven’t shared your thesis topic.
(Enter MAGGIE, THE THREE SISTERS and DICK.)
MAGGIE Not now. We need her to come with us.
JO Come with you where?
PROFESSOR Where are you going?
MAGGIE Paris. Just for a month.
PROFESSOR What is the meaning of this?
MAGGIE Good question for a philosophy class. And as you know, one truth can have many meanings. To me, Jo’s agreeing to be our cover girl—
JO Cover girl?!
MAGGIE Shhh! I’m lecturing. (To STUDENTS.) Write this down. Jo’s face on the cover of Quality Magazine means subscriptions and ad sales. To me. To Jo, it means the chance to meet Simone de Beauvoir.
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JO Meet her?!
MAGGIE She lives in Paris, doesn’t she?
DICK And by meet her, we mean interview her! Right, Maggie?
MAGGIE (To JO; clearly this is news to her.) Five hundred words, tops. Be the first to tell American women all about Beauvoir.
JO While on the cover of a magazine that is anything but!
PROFESSOR What happened to the idea of doing Beauvoir for your thesis?
JO You said no.
PROFESSOR That’s not exactly—
JO No, that’s exactly.
PROFESSOR But if you were to come face-to-face with your subject… and perhaps with Sartre!
MAGGIE Her, I can get to, she’s got a book to sell. Him—
PROFESSOR That’s the only way I’ll approve this arrangement.
JO I don’t want this arrangement!
MAGGIE You do, you just don’t know you do. Professor, Quality can’t possibly run a piece on a philosopher without a quote or two from an expert at, say, City College?
PROFESSOR Three quotes and I proofread the spelling of my name: C-H-A-P-M-AN.
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MAGGIE Got it. Good. She gets her masters, I get my model.
JO Not your model, don’t want to be anybody’s model, and if I did, what makes you think I could?
DICK (Produces a photo of JO.) That.
MAGGIE Bazazz!
STUDENT 1 What does that mean?
MAGGIE If you can’t tell by looking at that photo—
JO I’m looking, I see nothing special.
DICK Then we see things differently.
STUDENT 2 He’s right, Jo.
STUDENT 3 It’s amazing what a camera captures that I never noticed sitting right next to you.
#8 – Your Eyes! Your Smile!
MAGGIE Touching, really, the camaraderie. You know what else is touching?
(Spoken in rhythm.) An hour ago I didn’t know how lucky I would get, Then just like that I’m staring at the Face of Lafayette.
JO Miss Prescott—
MAGGIE I’M QUITE BEGUILED BY YOU, DEAR CHILD, MY LOYALTY IS TRUE.
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(MAGGIE) FAIR LADY, WHO WOULD NOT COME THROUGH FOR LADY FAIR AS YOU.
JO I hate to disappoint, but—
MAGGIE I’D DO A LOT FOR YOUR EYES! YOUR SMILE!
JO No thanks.
MAGGIE I’D START A PLOT FOR YOUR HAIR! YOUR STYLE!
(To THE THREE SISTERS.) Girls?
RADCLIFFE, WELLESLEY and MOUNT HOLYOKE OH, LADY, LISTEN DO! LET’S BEGIN AN ALLIANCE; WE’LL START INSTRUCTING YOU, TEACHING BEAUTY AS SCIENCE.
MAGGIE, RADCLIFFE, WELLESLEY and MOUNT HOLYOKE WHERE DID YOU GET THEM?
STUDENT 1 THOSE EYES!
STUDENT 2 THOSE NOSE!
DICK I’M GLAD I MET THEM.
PROFESSOR THOSE CHEEKS!
ALL MALE STUDENTS THOSE THOSE!
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ALL minus JO OH, YOU CAN COUNT ON ME, KNOWING, LADY THAT I’LL ALWAYS DO A LOT FOR YOUR EYES! YOUR SMILE!
JO A thousand-word Q&A and an excerpt from Le Deuxième Sexe, translated par moi.
MAGGIE You drive a hard bargain…. Let’s have a look at you. Turn.
JO What?
PROFESSOR Turn!
(JO does an awkward pirouette. THE THREE SISTERS size her up.)
RADCLIFFE Underneath that potato sack she’s wearing is an adorable figure.
MOUNT HOLYOKE I’m thinking nutrition tips for our readers inspired by her favorite philosophers.
WELLESLEY Discovered at a bookstore like Lana Turner at Schwab’s—only this really happened!
MAGGIE (To JO.) It’s a deal!
JO What happens now, I go home and pack?
MAGGIE (Regarding what JO has on.) I assume most of your outfits look like this?
JO Pretty much.
MAGGIE Then pack everything you own into one big suitcase, dump it in the river and be at Idlewild in two hours. We have a plane to catch!
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PROFESSOR Bon voyage!
(Exit JO, DICK, MAGGIE and THE THREE SISTERS.)
PROFESSOR STUDENTS WHERE DID YOU GET THEM? I LOVE YOUR THOSE EYES? THOSE NOSE? FUNNY FACE. WE’RE GLAD WE MET THEM— YOUR SUNNY, THOSE CHEEKS! THOSE THOSE! FUNNY FACE.
STUDENTS ALTHOUGH YOU’RE NO PATOOTIE, FOR WORLDS I’D NOT REPLACE—
PROFESSOR and STUDENTS OH, YOU CAN COUNT ON US, KNOWING LADY THAT WE’LL ALWAYS DO A LOT FOR— YOUR SUNNY, FUNNY FACE!
Scene 7
Night flight to Paris. STEWARDESS addresses PASSENGERS.
STEWARDESS We have reached a cruising altitude of eleven thousand feet. Our flight time will be just shy of eighteen hours. Breakfast will be served prior to landing, and tonight, a light snack of Beef Wellington, potato gratin, string bean casserole, and apple pie with your choice of ice cream or melted cheese.
(Exit STEWARDESS. DICK and JO are seated next each other, with THE THREE SISTERS seated in the row behind them. Across the aisle is MAGGIE, sandwiched between FBI AGENTS 1 and 2. AGENT 1 is less skilled at undercover work than his boss.)
FBI AGENT 2 First trip to Paris?
MAGGIE Heavens, no. Though I’ve not been since… a while. You?
FBI AGENT 1 First timers. Not a lot of international travel in our line of work. (AGENT 2 shoots him a look; AGENT 1 covers badly.) We’re in… in… surance.
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FBI AGENT 2 And sometimes, for a high-risk policy… you know.
MAGGIE I don’t. I’m in the fashion biz. Maggie Prescott, founder and editor of Quality Magazine.
FBI AGENT 1 John Smith— (To MAGGIE, when AGENT 2 shoots him a look.) Sonian. Jonathan Smithsonian. Like in Washington. If I were from Washington. Which I’m not.
“EUGENE AARON” Eugene Aaron. And my wife reads Quality. Any scoop about next month’s issue?
MAGGIE No… other than it’s a revolutionary new way of relating to our readers.
“EUGENE AARON” Revolutionary… how so?
“JONATHAN SMITHSONIAN” I’ll take notes. (AGENT 2 shoots him a look.) So you can tell your wife.
MAGGIE That’s all I’ll say. But that young lady across the aisle? Our next cover girl.
“JONATHAN SMITHSONIAN” Pretty.
MAGGIE And smart. Goes to City College— (AGENTS exchange a look; it’s known to harbor Communists.) Reads Beauvoir in French. And now Mr. Aaron, Mr. Smithsonian, I need my beauty sleep.
(MAGGIE closes her eyes. AGENT 2 snatches AGENT 1’s notebook with a “What am going to do with you?” look. JO gazes out the window.)
DICK Not much to see when you’re over the water, above the clouds, after sundown.
JO You’ve been everywhere: the stickers on your suitcase! But this is new to me, all of it. And I have you to thank. Why’d you do it?
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DICK ‘Cause I’m a photographer and you’ve got it all: real person, real beauty. And as Socrates said, “the contemplation of beauty causes the soul to grow wings.”
JO Plato.
DICK I’ve never known a woman who knows more than me.
JO You have. We’re just taught young not to let men know it.
DICK Maggie’s trying to change that. This new campaign—
JO Think Pink? Wellesley gave me advance copies of the articles. Some of them surprised me, and that story by Capote is wonderful. But Maggie’s letter to her readers—
DICK More pink than think? (JO nods.) I like this, getting to know each other.
JO You’re not going to ask me out again, are you?
DICK While we’re working together? No. But I shoot better if I know who I’m shooting. When I did my book, I was out west for months. Sometimes I wish I’d stayed.
JO The people there, you really related to them.
DICK Not the rural part, but my parents—they’re about as far left as you can go and still call yourself a Presbyterian—they raised me on the people’s struggle. And all I ever thought about was the next nifty thing I could do with my camera, which was fine when my subjects were the downtrodden.
JO Your book.
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DICK Rave reviews, won an award, and not only didn’t it make me money, it cost me. My parents were so proud; profit’s a four-letter word to them. Like food. So my passion became my profession. Now they introduce me as their son who takes pictures, like I’m some kind of thief.
JO But one doesn’t “take” a photograph. One asks, quietly, to borrow it.
DICK Did you just make that up?
JO Something I read. You agree?
DICK And how. In fact, may I?
JO What?
DICK Borrow a photo?
JO Me? Now? I don’t think your readers—
DICK Not for my readers, for me. (Takes picture.) Real person, real picture. Wake me when we’re there?
#9 – Isn’t It a Pity?
JO Goodnight, Mr. Avery.
(ALL sleep except JO. SHE looks out her window; SHE looks at DICK.)
IT’S A FUNNY THING; I LOOK AT YOU— I GET A THRILL I NEVER KNEW. ISN’T IT A PITY WE NEVER MET BEFORE? HERE WE ARE AT LAST! IT’S LIKE A DREAM!
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(JO) THE TWO OF US— A PERFECT TEAM! ISN’T IT A PITY WE NEVER MET BEFORE? IMAGINE ALL THE LONELY YEARS WE WASTED: ME WITH THE NEIGHBORS— YOU AT SILLY LABORS. WHAT JOYS UNTASTED! ME, READING HEINE, YOU, SOMEWHERE IN CHINA.
I could’ve sworn he was the kind of chauvinist bully Beauvoir writes about. But put him on a plane, turn out the lights and he’s… he’s still a man; that can’t be helped. But look at him, sleeping. He almost looks like he could be one of the ones that—one of the few who….
NEVERMIND THE PAST; LET’S WAIT AND SEE; AM I FOR YOU? ARE YOU FOR ME? SUCH AN AWFUL PITY, WE NEVER NEVER MET BEFORE.
Dick, wake up! Maggie, Radcliffe, Wellesley, Mount Holyoke, look!
(ALL gaze out their windows in awe of Paris’ beauty but masking their enthusiasm with sophistication. Except for JO: SHE’s thrilled. AGENT 2 addresses MAGGIE, AGENT 1’s notebook in hand.)
“EUGENE AARON” Miss Prescott, who was that writer you mentioned?
MAGGIE Beauvoir?
“EUGENE AARON” (Writes in notebook.) B-e-a-u-v-o-i-r.
“JONATHAN SMITHSONIAN” Why is it okay when you write things down, but when I—
“EUGENE AARON” (A look to AGENT 1, then to MAGGIE.) Enjoy Paris.
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(Exit AGENTS 1 and 2. DICK addresses MAGGIE.)
DICK Who were they?
MAGGIE Insurance men from whom I’d never purchase a policy. (To JO, DICK and THE THREE SISTERS.) All right, the day is yours to do as you wish. By which I mean we’re here to work, starting tomorrow. So today, we rest… all of us!
WELLESLEY Maggie, please. I spent my honeymoon in Paris so, you know, bad memories.
RADCLIFFE I did the grand tour the summer after college, 29 cities in 33 days. I’ve done Paris.
MOUNT HOLYOKE And I’m too exhausted even for the Mona Lisa.
JO DICK RADCLIFFE WELLESLEY Me too! Bushed! Sleepwalking! I’ve got to lie down.
MAGGIE Good. We get our bags, go to the hotel, and I’ll see you in the morning.
Scene 8
PARISIANS start their day: FOODWORKERS, CLERKS, WAITERS.
#10 – Fascinating Rhythm/Bonjour, Paris!
PARISIANS TRANSLATION [FRENCH] FASCINATING RHYTHM, [FRENCH] YOU’VE GOT ME ON THE GO! [FRENCH] FASCINATING RHYTHM, [FRENCH] I’M ALL A-QUIVER. [FRENCH] WHAT A MESS YOU’RE MAKING! [FRENCH] THE NEIGHBORS WANT TO KNOW [FRENCH] WHY I’M ALWAYS SHAKING [FRENCH] JUST LIKE A FLIVVER. [FRENCH] EACH MORNING I GET UP WITH THE SUN [FRENCH] TO FIND AT NIGHT NO WORK HAS BEEN DONE.
(Enter WELLESLEY, guidebook in hand and camera round her neck.)
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WELLESLEY I WANT TO STEP OUT DOWN THE CHAMPS-ÉLYSÉES, FROM THE ARC DE TRIOMPHE TO THE PETIT PALAIS. THAT’S FOR ME; BONJOUR, PARIS!
PARISIANS TRANSLATION [FRENCH] WHY WON’T YOU TAKE A DAY OFF? [FRENCH] DECIDE TO RUN ALONG [FRENCH] SOMEWHERE FAR AWAY OFF, [FRENCH] AND MAKE IT SNAPPY! [FRENCH] EACH MORNING I GET UP WITH THE SUN [FRENCH] TO FIND AT NIGHT NO WORK HAS BEEN DONE.
(Enter RADCLIFFE guidebook in hand, camera round her neck.)
RADCLIFFE I WANT TO WANDER THROUGH THE SAINT-HONORÉ, DO SOME WINDOW SHOPPING IN THE RUE DE LA PAIX. THAT’S FOR ME; BONJOUR, PARIS!
(Enter MOUNT HOLYOKE guidebook in hand, camera round her neck.)
MOUNT HOLYOKE I WANT TO BE IN A PATISSERIE, BUT MY DIET…. THERE’S NOT A SWEET HERE I DON’T WANT TO EAT. HECK, I’LL TRY IT! YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE!
RADCLIFFE and WELLESLEY I’M STRICTLY TOURIST—
RADCLIFFE , WELLESLEY and MOUNT HOLYOKE BUT I COULDN’T CARE LESS. WHEN THEY PARLEZ-VOUS ME, THEN I GOTTA CONFESS, THAT’S FOR ME— BONJOUR, PARIS!
(THEY exit. JO and DICK at a café.)
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DICK How anyone can come to Paris and spend their first day indoors….
JO Especially when it’s my first first day!
DICK I figure you’ve never had a real croissant or a properly made Kir Royale. Odd lunch, but—
JO Should be Apricot Cocktails. They’re what started Existentialism: Sartre and Beauvoir sipping les apértifs and realizing that anything is philosophy if you think about it long enough.
DICK How ‘bout we drink ours instead?
(THEY toast. MAGGIE appears on another part of the stage. No guidebook, no camera, but definitely in tourist mode.)
MAGGIE THIS HAS GOT TO BE ILLEGAL, WHAT I FEEL TRÉS GAY, TRÉS CHIC, TRÉS MAGNIFIQUE. C’EST MOI, C’EST VOUS C’EST GRAND, C’EST TOO TOUT IT’S TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE…. THERE’S SOMETHING MISSING. THERE’S SOMETHING MISSING, I KNOW.
JO THERE’S SOMETHING MISSING.
JO and DICK THERE’S SOMETHING MISSING, I KNOW.
JO, DICK, MAGGIE, RADCLIFFE, WELLESLEY and MOUNT HOLYOKE THERE’S STILL ONE PLACE I’VE GOT TO GO!
(The top-level platform of the Eiffel Tower, surrounded by stunning vistas of Paris. One-by-one, MAGGIE, RADCLIFFE, WELLESLEY, MOUNT HOLYOKE, and JO and DICK enter, astonished to find each other there.)
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JO DICK MAGGIE RAD WELLS MH I wasn’t (To WELLS) (To MH) (To RAD) This is what I thought sightseeing, I So much for Couldn’t Done Paris, you call we’re here to was looking bad memories. resist the have you? resting? work. for you! Mona Lisa?
JO Face it—
JO, DICK, MAGGIE, THE 3 SISTERS PARISIANS WE’RE STRICTLY TOURISTS, YOU CAN TITTER AND JEER. [ARRANGEMENT OF ALL WE WANT TO SAY IS “FASCINATING RHYTHM”] WE’RE SO GLAD THAT WE’RE HERE ON A SPREE—
ALL BONJOUR, PARIS!
Scene 9
The showroom of CHARLES ALAIN DE LAFAYETTE, 28, Black, and the epitome of French imperiousness. MAGGIE paces; RADCLIFFE and WELLESLEY hover; MOUNT HOLYOKE sleeps on a settee. CHARLES examines fabric swatches presented to him by his assistant, MAURICE MARC, 31, seemingly mute and devoted to CHARLES.
CHARLES (To MAURICE, regarding swatches.) Non, non, non, et… non.
CHARLES TRANSLATION (Regarding the prone MOUNT HOLYOKE.) Elle est malade? Is she sick?
MAGGIE Time change.
CHARLES TRANSLATION Je ne comprends pas. I don’t understand.
MAGGIE (As in “please translate for Charles.”) Radcliffe?
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RADCLIFFE I told you: one semester college French.
WELLESELY At Wellesley, we studied Latin.
RADCLIFFE Won’t that come in handy when we’re in ancient Rome.
MAGGIE At least Charles speaks something. I’ve yet to hear his sidekick utter a word. Watch: Maurice, bonjour, guten tag, konnichiwa, namaste. (MAURICE exits. MAGGIE addresses RADCLIFFE and WELLESLEY.) See?
CHARLES TRANSLATION Je sais que la robe est un peu compliquée I know the dress is a little complicated, but mais as-t-elle vraiment besoin d’aide? does she need help?
MAGGIE Radcliffe?
RADCLIFFE I think he’s wondering what’s taking so long.
MAGGIE She’s never worn a gown before!
CHARLES TRANSLATION Comment? What?
MAGGIE Nothing. (To RADCLIFFE.) Tell him his creations are like architecture—
RADCLIFFE (To CHARLES in halting French with no attempt at an accent.) Elle ma dit que votre mode est comme l’architecture—
CHARLES Non, non, pas en français. Maurice!
(MAURICE enters in a flash. CHARLES gestures to the dressing room, demarcated by a curtain. MAURICE is going in.)
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MAGGIE Don’t go in there!
(Just as MAURICE reaches the curtain, JO opens it. SHE stuns in a gown that reveals beautiful bare shoulders and a long, lovely neck.)
JO Sorry. Couldn’t tell the back from the front.
MAGGIE I’d say you figured it out.
RADCLIFFE Mountie, wake up.
WELLESLEY You have to see it to believe it.
(MOUNT HOLYOKE opens her eyes and is astonished by what SHE sees.)
MOUNT HOLYOKE Jo?!
CHARLES TRANSLATION Elle est belle… elle est magnifique. She is beautiful, she is magnificent.
(MAURICE is mute but his smile says it all. MAGGIE addresses JO.)
MAGGIE Come out here. Let’s see you!
(JO takes a step that’s like a clomp, then another clomp, and another.)
CHARLES TRANSLATION Porquoi marche-t-elle comme ça? Why is she walking like that?
(MAURICE lifts JO’s skirt to reveal that SHE’s wearing flats.)
RADCLIFFE Flats?! (CHARLES faints onto the settee. MAURICE is ready with smelling salts.)
JO I can’t walk in heels. I don’t own a pair.
(MAURICE has revived CHARLES, who fires French at JO.)
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CHARLES TRANSLATION Je ne peux pas travailler comme ça! I can’t work like this!
JO J’ai toujours été honète, je ne connais rien au I made it very clear I know nothing about métier de mannequin. being a model.
CHARLES Je suis étonné que tu n’es pas plus I am surprised that you’re not more grateful. reconnaissante. Il se peut que tu ne sais pas It may well be that you don’t know what we ce qu’on attend de toi, mais j’aimerais que tu expect of you, but I wish you wouldn’t defend ne défends pas ta décision— your decision—
JO Clear the room!
MAGGIE Jo—
JO Out! OUT!
MAGGIE For heaven’s sake—
(JO stops CHARLES who’s trying to leave with the others.)
JO TRANSLATION Reste ici! Stay here!
(MAGGIE and THE THREE SISTERS exit, baffled. MAURICE looks at CHARLES, who gestures for him to leave. CHARLES and JO square off.)
JO You’re. Not. French.
(CHARLES is speechless with self-righteous indignation but JO is resolute. It’s a game of chicken and CHARLES blinks first, speaking in a distinctively American accent with the hint of a Southern twang.)
CHARLES The subjunctive?
JO Three times you should’ve used it and three times you didn’t.
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CHARLES I don’t know how! And I’ve tried. I mean, my vocabulary is extensive, my accent incroyable— but that damn subjunctive…!
JO Now I know what you are: American. I still don’t know who you are, “Charles Alain de Lafayette.”
CHARLES That’s me: Charlie Allen “de Lafayette”… Louisiana.
JO Je ne comprends pas.
CHARLIE I was stationed here during the war, and I stayed… but good luck getting a job in Paris if you’re a Yank, so Charlie Allen became Charles Alain. Dior hired me to make his patterns. Soon I was making my own that I thought topped his. I found a backer who agreed, et voilà.
JO No one’s caught on? Your French is impressive, but no subjunctive?!
CHARLIE If you speak imperiously enough, people doubt themselves, not you. (Calls O.S. using his most imperious, oh-so-French accent.) Maurice! (MAURICE enters in a flash. CHARLIE indicates JO, sans accent.) She knows.
JO He knows?
CHARLIE He knows everything. Jo, may I present Maurice Marc, or as he’s known in New Jersey—
MAURICE Morris Marx from Morristown.
CHARLIE We met in the Army. You know those shows they do for the troops? I dressed them—
MORRIS I staged them. And the only French I learned was plié, tendu and pas de chat. English is the one language I speak, and I can’t blow Charlie’s cover, so I just don’t. Speak.
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JO Sounds like a plan. (To CHARLIE.) You, on the other hand… you’ve got to learn the subjunctive.
MORRIS And you’ve got to learn how to walk in heels.
CHARLIE Morris, you’re a genius. She’ll teach me—
MORRIS (To JO.) And we’ll teach you. (Opens the armoire to reveal racks of high heels. Hands her a pair.) These go on your feet.
CHARLIE (Regarding her flats.) Those go in the trash.
JO Tell you what, let’s start with beginner subjunctive and—
CHARLIE Jo, starting Monday you will be photographed all over Paris wearing my creations. You have to know how to wear them. And you’ll really need to know when, three weeks from today, Le Grand Palais is packed with tout le monde à Paris to see you walk the runway.
(JO nearly collapses in a fit of nerves. MORRIS catches her.)
#11 – Delishious
MORRIS Five, six, seven, eight—ball of the foot, ball of the foot, ball of the foot, bevel.
CHARLIE and MORRIS Ball of the foot, ball of the foot, ball of the foot, bevel.
JO It’s like boot camp.
MORRIS More camp, less boots.
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CHARLIE (Sung playfully in his oh-so-French accent.) YOU’RE SO DELISHIOUS, AND SO CAPRISHIOUS. I GROW AMBISHIOUS TO HAVE YOU CARE FOR ME.
MORRIS (To JO.) Pitch your weight forward.
CHARLIE IN THAT CONNECSHION, YOU’RE MY SELECSHION, FOR TRUE AFFECSHION FOR ALL THE TIME TO BE.
MORRIS Tippy toe, Jo. Watch.
OH, I’VE HAD ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN GIRLS BEFORE.
CHARLIE Not touching that.
MORRIS BUT NOW THERE’S ONE, AND YOU’RE THE ONE, THE ONE GIRL I ADORE.
CHARLIE and MORRIS ‘CAUSE YOU’RE DELISHIOUS, AND SO CAPRISHIOUS. IF I’M REPETISHIOUS, IT’S ‘CAUSE YOU’RE SO DELISHIOUS.
(CHARLIE and MORRIS are serious about teaching JO how to walk in heels, but oh what fun the three of them have doing it!)
JO OH, I’VE HAD UN, DEUX, TROIS, QUATRE, CINQ, SIX, SEPT, HUIT, NEUF, DIX BOYS BEFORE.
MORRIS Hussy!
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JO BUT NOW THERE’S ONE, AND YOU’RE THE ONE, THE ONE BOY I ADORE.
CHARLIE We need to talk.
JO, CHARLIE and MORRIS ‘CAUSE YOU’RE DELISHIOUS, AND SO CAPRISHIOUS. I GROW AMBISHIOUS TO HAVE YOU CARE FOR ME. IF I’M REPETISH-ISH, REPETISH-ISH, REPETISH-ISH, IT’S CAUSE YOU’RE SO—
CHARLIE DELI—
MORRIS SHE—
JO, CHARLIE and MORRIS US!
Scene 10
The Tuilleries Gardens. DICK tests the light.
MAGGIE Bazazz, Dick, bazazz, and lots of it!
DICK What does that mean?
MAGGIE It means the future of Quality Magazine. And since Quality Magazine is your meal ticket—
DICK Don’t worry. I took a test shot of Jo on the plane. Even in that light, she’s a dream
MAGGIE Uh-oh.
DICK What?
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MAGGIE You like her.
DICK You know my rule: when you work at a candy store, don’t eat the candy.
MAGGIE Good. Think Pink will put us back on the map, but Jo could put us on top! So do as you please in your free time—just don’t do it with her.
(Enter RADCLIFFE.)
RADCLIFFE Maggie, you want to see her?
MAGGIE Heavens, no. These pictures are far too important. I’ll judge more objectively not having been at the shoot. Instead, Charles and I will review his renderings for the show.
DICK How? You can’t speak French, he can’t speak English, and Maurice doesn’t speak, period.
MAGGIE They point, I nod… fortunes were founded on less.
(Exit MAGGIE. RADCLIFFE exits, calling to DICK.)
RADCLIFFE Five minutes, finishing touches.
#12 – Photo Shoot Part 1 (Bidin’ My Time)
DICK Relax, Radcliffe. I know what I want to do, but I’m in no rush to do it.
SOME FELLAS LOVE TO TIP-TOE THROUGH THE TULIPS; SOME FELLAS GO ON SINGIN’ IN THE RAIN; SOME FELLAS KEEP ON PAINTIN’ SKIES WITH SUNSHINE; SOME FELLAS KEEP ON SWINGIN’ DOWN THE LANE, BUT— I’M BIDIN’ MY TIME, ‘CAUSE THAT’S THE KINDA GUY I’M. WHILE OTHER FOLKS GROW DIZZY I KEEP BUSY— BIDIN’ MY TIME.
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(Enter JO, gorgeous in haute couture. RADCLIFFE and WELLESLEY are by her side, primping. MOUNT HOLYOKE follows, holding a fistful of colorful balloons on a string. DICK is stunned.)
(DICK) Perfect….
MOUNT HOLYOKE Isn’t she?
DICK I meant the balloons. (Grabs balloons and hands them to JO.) Hold these high in the air, and when I say “run,” run as fast as you can, but don’t let go.
JO As fast as I can and don’t let go….
DICK Ready? Head up a little. You’re so happy. All right, run. Run! (JO stands paralyzed. WELLESLEY addresses her.)
WELLESLEY What’s the matter?
JO I don’t know which way to go.
RADCLIFFE That way.
JO I’m sorry, I’m nervous. I’ve never done this before.
DICK Nothing to be nervous about, you’re doing great. Now listen closely, you’re in Paris, at the Tuilleries, you got balloons and you’re very, very happy.
JO Because I got balloons?
DICK No. Because someone’s in love with you, and deep down you love him, too. But you can’t admit it to yourself. So you buy these balloons to show the world how happy you are without having to say why. Now run!
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(DICK) (JO runs and it’s a beautiful sight.) Great, that’s great. Now stop!
(SHE stops, and DICK captures the moment photographers wait a lifetime for.)
#12A – Photo Shoot Part 2 (Bidin’ My Time)
(DICK) NEXT YEAR, NEXT YEAR, SOMETHIN’S BOUND TO HAPPEN; THIS YEAR, THIS YEAR, I’LL JUST KEEP ON NAPPIN’— I’M BIDIN’ MY TIME, ‘CAUSE THAT’S THE KINDA GUY I’M. BEGINNIN’ ON A MOND’Y, RIGHT THROUGH SUN’DY, BIDIN’ MY TIME.
(MAGGIE works at a café table. At the table next to her are FBI AGENTS 1 and 2, who feign surprise at seeing her.)
“EUGENE AARON” Miss Prescott?
MAGGIE Mr. Aaron and Mr.—don’t tell me—Smithsonian. You’re still here?
“JONATHAN SMITHSONIAN” Yep. Seems the policy we’re working on’s higher risk than we thought.
“EUGENE AARON” I’ve been reading Beauvoir.
MAGGIE In French?
“EUGENE AARON” Uh-huh… though some of her views might be better expressed in Russian.
MAGGIE (Uneasy.) What kind of insurance did you say you sell?
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“JONATHAN SMITHSONIAN” The best kind: preserving the American Way of Life. And we know about your radical past.
MAGGIE If you mean my marching for suffrage—
“EUGENE AARON” Being arrested while marching for suffrage. Even better… or worse. Bonne journée.
(THEY exit; MAGGIE is ruffled. Back to the shoot: La Gare de Lyon. DICK is behind the camera. JO stands in front of a train in a chic traveling suit. THE THREE SISTERS are on the sidelines.)
DICK Now listen closely: today you are not happy.
JO No balloons.
DICK Now, you’re heartbroken, suffering… you’re Anna Karenina!
JO There’s a train. Shall I throw myself under it?
DICK Middle of the book, when she still has a shot.
JO A woman in czarist Russia?
DICK Save Beauvoir for your interview. Any word when you’ll meet her?
JO Tomorrow night!
DICK No, no, don’t look happy! Close your eyes, imagine your lover is kissing you good-bye. Feel his lips on yours, his arms around you, his heart beating against yours.
JO I feel it.
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DICK Now open ‘em and realize you’ve never known love before, and you may never know that kiss again. Radcliffe, make her look sad. Put some tears in her eyes.
(MOUNT HOLYOKE approaches JO with eye drops.)
RADCLIFFE There are tears in her eyes.
DICK Good, give me the works: longing, suffering, tragedy… but fabulous. Wet your lips. All right now, steam!
MOUNT HOLYOKE Steam!
(Steam appears from the train.)
WELLESLEY Just like the movies.
DICK Too much steam.
MOUNT HOLYOKE Less steam!
DICK That’s it!
#12B – Photo Shoot Part 3 (You’ve Got What Gets Me)
(DICK) ENSEMBLE YOU’VE GOT WHAT GETS ME; WHAT GETS ME YOU’VE GOT. YOU’VE GOT WHAT GETS ME; I DON’T KNOW JUST WHAT. [HUMS BUT WHEN YOU SMILE ON ME, “BIDIN’ MY TIME”] I GET PROUDER AND PROUDER; MY HEART GOES ON A SPREE, BEATING LOUDER AND LOUDER—
(MAGGIE at a café table with FBI AGENTS.)
“EUGENE AARON” “Think Pink?”
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MAGGIE Your wife will love it.
“JONATHAN SMITHSONIAN” There’s no wife. And pink is one letter away from pinko. If that’s where you’re headed—
MAGGIE I will publish whatever I wish.
“JONATHAN SMITHSONIAN” With your circulation figures? Your publisher’s this close to pulling the plug. One call from Washington, you won’t publish, period.
“EUGENE AARON” Of course, if you agree to tell us who in the “fashion biz” wears a little too much red—
MAGGIE No idea.
“JONATHAN SMITHSONIAN” Take Josephine Stockton: her college is a bastion of leftist activity, she’s an avid fan of a Marxist—according to Mr. Aaron here. I don’t read French. Is she now or has she ever been—
MAGGIE Mr. Smithsonian—and you need a new alias—Jo’s interest is feminism, not Marxism.
“EUGENE AARON” No Beauvoir, n’est pas? As for Miss Stockton, we’re not telling you to fire her.
MAGGIE I wouldn’t if you did!
“JONATHAN SMITHSONIAN” You would.
“EUGENE AARON” Names. Soon. Or we’ll add Quality Magazine to our list of subversive publications.
MAGGIE A threat that might be better expressed in Russian.
“JONATHAN SMITHSONIAN” Bonne journée. See? I’m learning. I suggest you do the same.
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(THEY exit. MAGGIE is shaken. Back to the shoot: the Daru Staircase at Le Louvre. Winged Victory is pedastaled at the top of the stairs. DICK addresses THE THREE SISTERS.)
DICK How’d it go with Jo and Beauvoir?
WELLESLEY It didn’t. Beauvoir postponed… or maybe it was Maggie?
JO (From behind Winged Victory, O.S.) You ready?
DICK Jo? (To THE THREE SISTERS.) Where is she?
RADCLIFFE Never mind where she is.
MOUNT HOLYOKE Just tell her you’re ready.
DICK What’s she going to do?
JO (From behind Winged Victory, O.S.) Never mind what I’m going to do, just say go.
DICK But I haven’t told you who you are, if you’re happy, whether or not you’re in love.
WELLESLEY I think she knows.
MOUNT HOLYOKE Lights!
(Lights shift dramatically on Winged Victory.)
RADCLIFFE Ready, Jo?
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JO (From behind Winged Victory, O.S.) Yes! Say go!
DICK No!
RADCLIFFE, WELLESLEY and MOUNT HOLYOKE Go!
(JO emerges from behind Winged Victory, seeming to float down the stairs, the iconic statue come to life.)
DICK You look fabulous! Stop.
JO I can’t stop. Take the picture.
DICK Stop!
JO I don’t want to stop, I like it. Take the picture. Take the picture!
(JO’s most astonishing moment yet.)
#12C – Photo Shoot Part 4 (You’ve Got What Gets Me)
DICK YOU’VE GOT WHAT GETS ME; YOU’RE SIMPLY A WOW! LET’S YOU AND LET’S ME SIGN UP NOW.
ENSEMBLE THIS TIME I KNOW IT’S LOVE; HERE’S THE REASON AND RHYME—
DICK and ENSEMBLE YOU’VE GOT WHAT GETS ME EV’RY TIME.
(At the café table, MAGGIE studies proofs through the viewfinder, with DICK seated by her side.)
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MAGGIE ‘S wonderful.
DICK ‘S when does she meet Beauvoir?
MAGGIE Not your concern.
DICK Maggie, you struck a deal with Jo’s professor: she gets Beauvoir, she gets her masters. Renege on that, you jeopardize her future.
MAGGIE Since when is the candy’s future important to the clerk?
DICK You know, none of these proofs have been made into prints, and until they are, they’re of no use to you whatsoever.
MAGGIE I hate being backed into a corner…. Good thing I’m hosting a grand fête to introduce Jo as the Face of Lafayette—provided I have photos of that face. And guess who’s on the guest list?
DICK Simone de Beauvoir? But why didn’t Jo and I know about this?
MAGGIE Why didn’t I know about you and Jo?
DICK What about us?
MAGGIE You’re crazy about her— (Indicates contact sheet.) And if these are any indication, the feeling’s mutual.
#12D – Photo Shoot Part 5 (’S Wonderful)
DICK Admit it, Maggie—
‘S WONDERFUL.
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MAGGIE No Dick, ‘s not. None of it.
(Exit MAGGIE.)
ENSEMBLE ‘S MARVELOUS. YOU SHOULD CARE FOR ME.
DICK ‘S AWFUL NICE! ‘S PARADISE— IT’S WHAT I LOVE TO SEE.
ENSEMBLE YOU’VE MADE HER LIFE SO GLAMOROUS, YOU CAN’T BLAME HER FOR FEELING AMOROUS.
DICK OH, ‘S WONDERFUL! ‘S MARVELOUS— THAT YOU SHOULD CARE FOR ME. OH, ‘S MAGNIFIQUE! ‘S WHAT I SEEK— THAT YOU SHOULD CARE FOR ME. ‘S ÉLÉGANT! ‘S WHAT I WANT! ‘S WHAT I LOVE TO SEE!
RADCLIFFE, WELLESLEY and MOUNT HOLYOKE BUT OH, WHAT’S ALL THIS DIZZINESS? WE THOUGHT THAT YOU CAME HERE ON BUSINESS.
DICK, THE THREE SISTERS and ENSEMBLE ‘S EXCEPTIONEL! ‘S NO BAGATELLE— THAT YOU SHOULD CARE FOR ME. THAT YOU SHOULD CARE FOR ME.
Scene 11
JO’s hotel room, where SHE gives CHARLIE a subjunctive lesson.
JO “Il faut que,” avec avoir.
CHARLIE TRANSLATION Il faut que tu aies confiance. You have to have confidence.
JO Bravo! “Je vourdrais que,” avec rester.
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CHARLIE TRANSLATION Je voudrais que Morris, toi et moi restions à I would like you, me and Morris to say in Paris toujours! Paris forever!
JO You never get homesick?
CHARLIE For Louisiana? (That would be a “no.”) My family, I miss. Then I hop on a bus, sit up front, and think, “They can come here.”
JO Je vois.
(CHARLIE indicates a heap of party dresses on JO’s bed.)
CHARLIE TRANSLATION Now, j’insiste pour que tu choisisses la robe Now, I insist you choose which dress you’ll tu porteras ce soir. wear tonight.
JO Good use of the subjunctive… and I have picked out a dress.
(SHE indicates the outfit SHE’s wearing. HE swoons onto the bed.)
CHARLIE I brought you a half dozen frocks any woman would kill for!
JO Your clothes are works of art. But art carries a message. The tiny waist, the raised bust, the too- high heels… it’s all a way of reminding us: “Remember that independence you enjoyed while the men were away fighting? Well, that’s done.”
CHARLIE But Maggie is introducing you tonight as the face of my brand.
JO Charlie, I can’t meet Simone de Beauvoir dressed up like a doll. I want her to see me as I am.
CHARLIE You want her to see you… or is this about Dick?
JO Dick? You know his rule: if you work at a candy store—
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CHARLIE You sneak the occasional lemon drop. And since he sees you all dolled up, day in day out, you want to remind him who you really are, am I right?
JO Let’s get back to the subjunctive.
CHARLIE Jo, there’s nothing wrong with being attracted to a man…. That came out wrong.
JO I live in New York City, Charlie. It’s a long way from Lafayette.
CHARLIE Is it? From what I hear, places where men like me meet are raided on a regular basis, so….
JO How do I not know that?
CHARLIE I live in Paris and I knew nothing of Beauvoir till you enlightened me.
(A beat. Their friendship just deepened.)
JO Okay, here’s what we’re going to do: you will whip up something that makes me look irresistibly like myself and reflects your signature sense of style.
CHARLIE For tonight? The showroom’s closed, my staff’s at home—
JO Did you have seamstresses and fabric painters during the war?
CHARLIE Please, Morris and I made it up using whatever we had on hand, but—
JO Like a bedspread or a bath towel…. maybe even a washcloth turned appliqué, et voilá: a Charles Alain de Lafayette original only Jo Stockton could wear.
CHARLIE (In French.) Impossible!
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#13 – Do Do Do
JO It’s the eve of Dunkirk. There’s a USO show, and I’m a WAC in desperate need of a costume, so please—
DO, DO, DO WHAT YOU’VE DONE, DONE, DONE BEFORE, CHARLIE.
CHARLIE Jo—
JO DO, DO, DO WHAT GOT YOU THROUGH, THROUGH, THROUGH THE WAR, CHARLIE. JUST TRY AGAIN, SIGH AGAIN, FLY AGAIN TO HEAVEN. CHARLIE, SEE, IT’S A.B.C.— I NEED YOU AND YOU NEED ME. I KNOW KNOW KNOW (Indicates a bowed curtain sash) WHAT A BOW BOW BOW CAN DO, CHARLIE; SO DON’T DON’T DON’T SAY YOU WON’T WON’T WON’T BE TRUE, CHARLIE. MY HEART BEGINS TO HUM— DUM DE DUM DE DUM-DUM-DUM. SO DO, DO, DO WHAT YOU’VE DONE, DONE, DONE BEFORE!
CHARLIE YOU DEAR, DEAR, DEAR LITTLE DEAR, DEAR, DEAR COME HERE, SNAPPY! AND SEE, SEE, SEE LITTLE ME, ME, ME MAKE YOU HAPPY.
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JO MY HEART BEGINS TO SIGH— DI DE DI DE DI-DI-DI.
CHARLIE SO DO, DO, DO WHAT I’VE DONE, DONE, DONE BEFORE!
(CHARLIE creates a whimsical, sophisticated and stunning outfit for JO.)
JO DO, DO, DO WHAT YOU’VE DONE, DONE, DONE—
CHARLIE I DID, DID, DID—
JO and CHARLIE WE’RE DONE, DONE, DONE. DO, DO, DO WHAT YOU’VE/I’VE DONE BEFORE!
CHARLIE (Admires his work.) Words of wisdom from your very fairy godmother—
JO Cinderella, really? ‘Cause that’s the sort of sexist—
CHARLIE (Puts his finger to her lips, then opens the door.) Get to that ball and be the belle of it.
(SHE steps outside and stands still as the set changes around her until:
Scene 12
JO stands on a cobblestone street in Paris at dusk. DICK appears in black tie.
DICK Jo?! You look—
JO Don’t say fabulous.
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DICK Where’s my camera when I need it?
JO No! We do that every day.
DICK Not a photo shoot, a real moment. So when I’m old I can look at it and remember that I once had a night like tonight. Shall we? The car’s waiting.
JO I’d rather walk.
DICK In heels? Wait a minute, heels?! What will Beauvoir say?
JO Just high enough to give me a little lift. C’mon. (SHE offers her arm. THEY stroll through tiny Parisian streets.) You know, Beauvoir has a beau: Jean-Paul Sartre.
DICK Another philosopher? Fun family dinners.
JO They don’t live together… but they do work together, side-by-side. Have for decades, so it’s possible for people to work together and fall in love.
DICK But we don’t work side-by side. I look at you through the lens of a camera—
JO That’s not how you’re looking at me now.
DICK Jo, I’ve done this long enough—and know enough guys who do it differently… we should wait.
JO Till the shoot is over? But we won’t be in Paris! It won’t be tonight!
DICK That’s why I want my camera: to capture a moment that can’t happen. Not yet, anyway.
JO Long as I know you want it to.
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#14 – Ask Me Again
DICK I wasn’t sure you did.
JO Well, when you’re not sure, only one way to find out.
ASK ME AGAIN WHO’S THE ONE I’VE BEGUN TO ADORE. ASK ME AGAIN WHO’S THE PARTNER MY HEART CLAMORS FOR. WHO IS THE WHO HAS ME TIED IN A BOW KNOT, SO THAT I KNOW NOT JUST WHERE I’M AT? WHO IS MAKES MY FRIENDS ALL FIND THAT I’VE A ONE-TRACK HEART AND MIND?
DICK ASK ME AGAIN LET ME TELL HOW I FELL FROM THE START; ONE LOOK AND THEN COULDN’T GOVERN THE LOVE IN MY HEART. WHO IS IT I LOOKED HIGH AND LOW FOR? WHOM WILL I GO FOR MY WHOLE LIFE THROUGH?
JO and DICK PLEASE ASK ME AGAIN, ‘CAUSE I JUST LOVE TO SAY IT’S YOU.
(THEY reach a bridge that spans the Seine and dance a pas de deux across it. The sun has set; the City of Lights glistens on the water, as does the moon.)
DICK ASK ME AGAIN WHO’S THE GIRL I SHALL ALWAYS ADORE. ASK ME AGAIN, FOR I’D LIKE TO EXPLAIN IT SOME MORE.
JO WHO THRILLS ME MORE THAN THE CIRCUS OF RINGLING? WHO KEEPS ME TINGLING FROM HEAD TO TOE?
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JO and DICK ASK ME AGAIN WHO’S THE WHY AND THE WHERE AND ONE?
JO WHO IS IT I LOOKED EV’RYWHERE FOR—
DICK TO CARE TO CARE FOR—
JO and DICK MY WHOLE LIFE THROUGH?
DICK PLEASE ASK ME AGAIN.
JO ASK ME AGAIN.
JO and DICK LET ME SHOUT TO THE WORLD, IT’S YOU.
(THEY’ve arrived at a building adorned with a huge photo of JO. THEY are about to kiss—when THEY’re interrupted by FBI AGENTS 1 and 2, their disguise more hayseed than insurance salesman.)
“EUGENE AARON” American?
JO Excuse me?
“EUGENE AARON” (To FBI AGENT 1.) Told you. (To JO.) Am I glad to see you! No one speaks right around here.
DICK Say, haven’t I seen you somewhere?
“JONATHAN SMITHSONIAN” You from Washington? (FBI AGENT 2 shoots him a look.) ‘Cause we’re not.
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“EUGENE AARON” Terre Haute.
“JONATHAN SMITHSONIAN” Right. We make… wine.
DICK In Indiana?
“EUGENE AARON” (A look at FBI AGENT 1, then to DICK and JO.) Grapes don’t care where they grow. Point is, we’re on our way to a lecture and we’re lost. (Shows JO the newspaper.) See there: “Simone de Beauvoir.” Twenty o’clock… that’s now, ain’t it?
JO It is… but she’s supposed to be in there at a party we’re attending—I’m a great admirer of Madame Beauvoir. And how can she be in there if she’s giving a lecture somewhere else?
“JONATHAN SMITHSONIAN” (Notebook out and ready.) Cain’t. So what’s it going to be, party or lecture? Since you’s an admirer, ain’t you?
JO Better hurry if you don’t want to be late. Rue Fontaine is two blocks that way and to the left.
“EUGENE AARON” To the left… we’ll remember that. (Pronounced “bone sorry.”) Bonne soirée.
(THEY exit. DICK calls after them.)
DICK Wait! You were on our flight! (THEY’re gone. HE addresses JO.) But didn’t Maggie say they sold insurance?
JO She also said I’d meet Beauvoir.
DICK I’m sure there’s an explanation.
JO There is: Maggie didn’t invite her.
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DICK She swore she did.
JO You discussed it?
DICK More like fought. I threatened to withhold the photos unless she kept her word.
JO Then you knew what she was up to.
DICK No! I just… I felt like there was something she wasn’t telling me.
JO You didn’t tell me.
DICK I didn’t want to trouble you.
JO And if I were a man and you knew a business associate was doing me dirty—
DICK That’s not fair.
JO But it’s what men do: withhold information, keep us in the dark, all in the name of chivalry.
DICK I’m not the bad guy here! Maggie—
JO I know what Maggie did: tell me what I wanted to hear so I’d do what she wanted me to do. But Maggie’s not the man I thought I was falling in love with.
DICK See, this is what happens when you work together and there’s a problem.
JO Problem solved: we don’t work together. I’m going back to New York!
DICK Jo? Jo!
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(SHE exits. CHARLIE and MORRIS exit the party in time to see her.)
CHARLIE Where’s she going?
DICK You speak English!
MORRIS Answer the question.
DICK You speak, period!
MORRIS You were supposed to deliver her on stage twenty minutes ago.
CHARLIE The guests are getting restless and my backer’s backing out!
(MAGGIE exits the party and confronts DICK.)
MAGGIE Did you two have a fight? Is that why Jo’s not here? ‘Cause I warned you—
DICK She’s at a lecture.
MAGGIE A lecture?!
DICK Being given as we speak by Simone de Beauvoir.
MAGGIE I see.
DICK Uh-huh. Those guys from the plane told us about it. They also said—
MAGGIE What? What did they say?
CHARLIE TRANSLATION Maggie?! Mais qu’est-ce qu’il se passe? Maggie?! What is happening?
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MAGGIE Charles, I will fix this. Radcliffe! Wellesley! Mount Holyoke! (THE THREE SISTERS exit the party.) Somewhere in Paris Beauvoir’s giving a lecture. See if Jo’s there.
WELLESLEY My husband disappears every fortnight or so. I’m good with missing persons. Onward!
(Exit THE THREE SISTERS. DICK confronts MAGGIE.)
DICK You wanted those pictures so you lied to me. But why? Why not just—
MAGGIE Dick, there are forces at work here bigger than you know.
DICK “Forces at work?” That’s like “bazazz”: what does it mean?
MAGGIE Don’t ask me, ask J. Edgar Hoover!
(MAGGIE exits into the party. DICK addresses CHARLIE and MORRIS.)
DICK Was she drinking in there?
MORRIS I do speak—but not to you.
CHARLIE Me neither! Jo got all dressed up for you and whatever you said was the wrong thing to say!
DICK We were having the time of our lives till two guys who sell insurance but also make wine—
MORRIS Enough! Come on, Charlie. Let’s find Jo.
CHARLIE If we don’t, is there room for me in Morristown? ‘Cause no matter what, Charles Alain—
CHARLIE and MORRIS Ain’t going back to Lafayette!
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(Exit CHARLIE and MORRIS, leaving DICK alone underneath the large, illuminated photo of JO.)
#15 – Funny Face (reprise)
DICK I’D SWIM THE OCEAN WIDE JUST TO HAVE YOU BY MY SIDE…. (HE gazes at the image of JO’s face.) YOUR SUNNY, FUNNY….
(Lights out on JO’s face, leaving DICK alone and in the dark.)
END ACT ONE
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ACT II
#16 – Entr’acte
Scene 1
D’Orly Airport, more glamorous than today’s airports. Traveling was plus chic then—but no less stressful. The mood is tense as TRAVELERS wait to board their flights, including JO, hidden behind Le Deuxième Sexe. Two REDCAPS—AGENTS 1 and 2—observe JO from a distance.
TICKET AGENT I am sorry, Madame, but this ticket was for yesterday. (Indicates ticket.) Voilà: jeudi.
ANGRY AMERICAN HUSBAND Judy? My wife’s name is Marge.
TICKET AGENT No, ah… how you say? Thursday?
ANGRY AMERICAN WIFE So why doesn’t it say Thursday?
TICKET AGENT It does. En français.
ANGRY AMERICAN COUPLE Speak English!
(On another part of the stage, HONEYMOON HUSBAND reads the paper while HONEYMOON WIFE talks.)
HONEYMOON WIFE I liked the food… some of it. And the prices! Mother will die when she hears what we paid for her present. You think your mother will like what I picked out for her? Hard to buy for, isn’t she, Stan? Stan! Still on our honeymoon and already you’re ignoring me?! My mother warned me about you.
HONEYMOON HUSBAND Yeah? Well, my mother warned me about your mother.
(On another part of the stage, MALE TRAVELER with a cat in a carrier sits next to FEMALE TRAVELER with a dog in a carrier. The dog growls.)
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MALE CAT OWNER Your dog is scaring my cat.
(The cat hisses.)
FEMALE DOG OWNER Your cat is scaring my dog.
(The dog barks, the cat screeches, and the MALE and FEMALE PET OWNERS are at each other’s throats.)
MALE CAT OWNER FEMALE DOG OWNER If you can’t control that dog, you shouldn’t My dog was doing just fine until your cat travel with it! came along!
(Enter MAGGIE. SHE spots JO by the book JO’s reading.)
MAGGIE There you are!
JO Go. Away.
MAGGIE Not before I tell you we have more in common than you know.
JO Same species, other than that—
MAGGIE I was quite the provocateur when I was your age. Suffrage. Chained myself to a fence and everything. Happy ending, though.
JO I can vote.
MAGGIE You’re welcome. And the officer who unchained me, he took my info, took me to the station then waited so he could walk me home. Three months later, I married the guy.
JO I didn’t know you were married. Where’s your ring?
MAGGIE Most men don’t wear one, why should I? No, when you’re the boss—a lady boss—best to keep your private life private.
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JO He doesn’t mind? No ring, big job….
MAGGIE Bernie? From the get-go, that man made me feel I could do anything I wanted. Like start a magazine. Then came the crash. I thought, “Give ‘em what they’re comfortable with till they’re back on their feet.” But once they get comfortable, hard to give ‘em anything else.
JO This is the part where I learn it’s harder to live my dreams than dream them, except I’m not buying it. Whatever fire in your belly that’s no longer there, you doused the flame. I won’t. (Gathers her things.) Now, I have a plane to catch. Find yourself another Face of Lafayette.
MAGGIE Charles insists it’s you. So do Radcliffe, Wellesley, Mount Holyoke. And Dick—
JO I don’t want to talk about it. I’m going back to used books and flat shoes.
MAGGIE Would it make a difference if I told you I want your face on the cover, to remind me that Quality Magazine can live up to its name? Think Pink’s just a start! But I need your help.
JO Should’ve thought of that before you lied to me, derailed my degree! It’s too late to choose another thesis topic. And another year of school means another year of tuition.
MAGGIE I’m sorry, Jo. Truly.
JO No. The hardest part of Beauvoir’s book is when she talks about how women treat other women. I thought you were different, clearly I was wrong. But why, Maggie? Why would you—
MAGGIE I can’t tell you that!
TICKET AGENT Excusez-moi, mesdames et messieurs, dernier appel pour le vol 21, New York.
JO I have to go.
MAGGIE Jo, see those redcaps?
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JO I don’t need them, thank you. I can—
MAGGIE Look! Don’t let them see you’re looking!
JO Honestly, Maggie, what are you—wait! Aren’t those the men from last night, the winemakers?
MAGGIE And insurance.
JO I don’t understand.
MAGGIE FBI. They have it in their head Think Pink’s pro-Russian propaganda.
JO What?
MAGGIE Your Beauvoir fixation didn’t help. They’re threatening to shut me down unless I rat out anyone I know who is now or ever has been—
JO I got nothing to hide.
MAGGIE You don’t, but….
JO (A terrible realization.) Dick?!
MAGGIE If your parents are Republican, you register Republican. And his parents—
JO They can’t hold that against him, can they?
MAGGIE Jo, they think my marching for suffrage is borderline treason! If they find out Dick was a card carrying Communist, Macy’s won’t hire him to be an elf photographer in Santa’s Workshop. He needs our help… please?
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#17 – Let’s Kiss and Make Up
(MAGGIE) I DIDN’T MEAN TO START ANY SCENE TO MAKE YOU SIGH. HOPE TO DIE! IT’S MOST IMMORAL FOR US TO QUARREL. WHY CAN’T WE BOTH AGREE? DON’T YOU KNOW BEN FRANKLIN WROTE ABOUT THIS THING AT LENGTH— ON THE PROPOSITION THAT IN UNION THERE IS STRENGTH? WHY RAISE A STORM UP? IF WE JUST WARM UP, THE BLUES WILL SLUMBER; WE’LL HAVE THEIR NUMBER! LET’S KISS AND MAKE UP; COME ON! LET’S WAKE UP, FOR I NEED YOU AND YOU NEED ME. LET’S KISS AND MAKE UP; NO USE TO BREAK UP WHEN WE CAN LIVE IN HARMONY. I’LL GIVE YOU YOUR WAY, YOU GIVE ME MY WAY, AND OUT THE DOORWAY, OUR CARES WILL FLY ‘WAY. IF WE’D BE HAPPY, THE WAY IS CLEAR: LET’S KISS AND MAKE UP; NO USE TO BREAK TO UP; WE NEED EACH OTHER, DEAR!
(The spirit of forgiveness spreads as AGENTS 1 and 2 observe.)
TICKET AGENT LET’S KISS AND MAKE UP—
ANGRY AMERICAN COUPLE NO USE TO SHAKE UP—
TICKET AGENT and ANGRY AMERICAN COUPLE WHY SHOULD WE MAKE OUR FACES GROW LONG?
HONEYMOON WIFE NO REPRIMANDING—
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HONEYMOON HUSBAND JUST UNDERSTANDING—
HONEYMOON COUPLE TO EV’RY QUARREL WE’LL SAY, “SO LONG!”
MALE CAT OWNER That’s some dog you got there.
FEMALE DOG OWNER I was just admiring your cat.
MALE and FEMALE PET OWNERS I love you!
ALL minus JO LET’S KISS AND MAKE UP; NO USE TO BREAK TO UP; WE NEED EACH OTHER— JO Maggie—
LET’S KISS AND MAKE UP; COME ON! LET’S WAKE UP, FOR I NEED YOU AND YOU NEED ME.
(JO and MAGGIE hug.)
ALL minus JO and MAGGIE NO REPRIMANDING; FULL UNDERSTANDING
ALL THAT WE CAN LIVE IN HARMONY. THE WORLD IS PROSY WHEN WE ARE FIGHTING; LET’S MAKE IT ROSY BY REUNITING.
JO and MAGGIE TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE, WE HEAR!
(By now, the entire terminal is tapping their troubles way, led by a unified JO and MAGGIE. AGENT 1 whispers to AGENT 2, who takes notes.)
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ALL IF WE’D BE HAPPY, THE WAY IS CLEAR: LET’S KISS AND MAKE UP; NO USE TO BREAK TO UP; WE NEED EACH OTHER, DEAR!
(MAGGIE and JO dump JO’s luggage at the feet of AGENTS 1 and 2.)
MAGGIE Mr. Aaron, Mr. Smithsonian—
JO He needs a new alias.
MAGGIE Since you’re posing as redcaps, take Miss Stockton’s luggage back to her hotel—and I know you know which is her hotel.
“EUGENE AARON” Change in plans?
JO Not at all. I’m staying in Paris as planned to launch Charles Alain de Lafayette’s most exciting collection yet.
MAGGIE Also as planned: she will interview Simone de Beauvoir for her thesis—
JO Maggie—!
MAGGIE Which I will excerpt in Quality Magazine.
“EUGENE AARON” I wouldn’t if I were you.
JO The last man who told her that, she married the guy and women can vote, so….
MAGGIE (To AGENTS 1 and 2, as if THEY are redcaps.) What are you waiting for?
“JONATHAN SMITHSONIAN” Ah… tip?
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MAGGIE Here’s one for you: the red chapeaux might be seen as a sign you harbor subversive thoughts.
“JONATHAN SMITHSONIAN” (Angry and perhaps a tad ugly.) Red hat, true blue patriot, white hot hatred for anyone’s who’s not!
“EUGENE AARON” Easy, Paul Revere. (To JO and MAGGIE; not “goodbye” but “we’ll meet again.”) Miss Prescott, Miss Stockton.
JO Call me Jo… as in Stalin.
MAGGIE There’s a name for you.
(Exit JO and MAGGIE. AGENT 1 lashes out at AGENT 2.)
“JONATHAN SMITHSONIAN” “Paul Revere,” really?
“EUGENE AARON” You were unprofessional!
“JONATHAN SMITHSONIAN” They were un-American!
“EUGENE AARON” “JONATHAN SMITHSONIAN” Lose your temper, lose the war! I stand up for my country!
#17A – Let’s Kiss and Make Up (tag)
“EUGENE AARON” Wait a minute. This is exactly the kind of division our enemies want, right?
TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE, I HEAR.
“JONATHAN SMITHSONIAN” LET’S KISS—
“EUGENE AARON” Shake.
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“JONATHAN SMITHSONIAN” AND MAKE UP. NO USE—
“EUGENE AARON” Truce.
“JONATHAN SMITHSONIAN” TO BREAK UP;
“EUGENE AARON” and “JONATHAN SMITHSONIAN” WE NEED EACH OTHER—
“EUGENE AARON” Friend?
“JONATHAN SMITHSONIAN” Colleague?
“EUGENE AARON” Partner?
“JONATHAN SMITHSONIAN” Pal?
“EUGENE AARON” and “JONATHAN SMITHSONIAN” DEAR!
Scene 2
A churchyard outside Paris, picturesque in the extreme. DICK calls O.S. His manner is professional bordering on tense.
DICK Miss Stockton, the light is perfect. Who knows how long it’ll last?
(JO enters in a chic but old-fashioned bridal gown, carrying a bouquet.)
JO Sorry. I couldn’t even find an old, arthritic nun to do me up the back.
DICK You’re the one who said no Three Sisters.
JO I thought you and I should talk about what happened.
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DICK Not during a shoot. Head up, please, chin to the right, eyes to the left.
JO I’m not sure that’s possible.
DICK That’s it. (Takes the picture.) Hand on hip, fingers splayed, elbow up, shoulder down.
JO I’m not a contortionist.
DICK No, Miss Stockton, you’re a model. Hand on hip, fingers splayed—
JO Please, Dick, can we talk? Maggie told me what happened.
DICK More than she told me. She said something about J. Edgar Hoover and I haven’t seen her since.
JO I’m sorry I doubted you. Truth is—first meeting aside—you’ve been wonderful.
DICK Well, when you put it like that…. Besides, can’t be angry at a bride on her wedding day.
JO Thank you. But if it were my wedding day, I wouldn’t be wearing this.
DICK (Regarding her pose.) That’s good, with the bouquet. (Takes the picture.) What’s your beef with the dress? Charles designed it especially for you.
JO To model in his collection. He knows I’d never wear something so… suffocating. Besides, I’m not sure marriage is what I want.
DICK Beauvoir?
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JO No matter who she is before she’s someone’s wife, a woman’s expected to quit her job, clean the house, cook the meals—then along come kids.
DICK Someone’s got to take care of them.
JO Why is that someone always female?
DICK Someone’s got to make money.
JO Why is that someone never female?
DICK Smile sweetly, like you’re not plotting a revolution.
JO Not my fault it’s a man’s world… and the man I love has to want that to change. (DICK takes the picture; JO speaks from her heart.) He has to care about more than the next nifty thing he can do with his camera.
(A beat.)
DICK Three years of high school French isn’t enough, is it?
JO For what?
DICK Le Deuxième Sexe. If it’s going be my manifesto—
JO You mean it?
#18 – He Loves and She Loves
DICK I’ll try it. I’ll try anything, Jo. The way I felt when I thought you’d left… I don’t ever want to feel that way again.
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(DICK) NOW THAT I HAVE FOUND YOU, I MUST HANG AROUND YOU. THOUGH YOU MAY REFUSE ME, YOU WILL NEVER LOSE ME. IF THE HUMAN RACE IS FULL OF HAPPY FACES— IT’S BECAUSE THEY ALL LOVE THAT WONDROUS THING THEY CALL LOVE. HE LOVES AND SHE LOVES AND THEY LOVE SO WHY CAN’T YOU LOVE AND I LOVE, TOO? BIRDS LOVE AND BEES LOVE AND WHISPERING TREES LOVE, AND THAT’S WHAT WE BOTH SHOULD DO. OH, I ALWAYS KNEW SOME- DAY YOU’D COME ALONG. WE’LL MAKE A TWOSOME THAT JUST CAN’T GO WRONG. HEAR ME— HE LOVES AND SHE LOVES AND THEY LOVE, SO WON’T YOU LOVE ME AS I LOVE YOU.
JO I ALWAYS KNEW SOME- DAY YOU’D COME ALONG.
DICK WE’LL MAKE A TWOSOME THAT JUST CAN’T GO WRONG. HEAR ME— HE LOVES.
JO AND SHE LOVES.
JO and DICK AND THEY LOVE, SO WON’T YOU LOVE ME AS I LOVE YOU?
DICK Is it okay for me to kiss you? Or do we wait till I finish the book?
JO Wait—
DICK Jo!
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JO You want to help women trapped in a man’s world? Help Maggie. The FBI thinks she’s a Communist sympathizer using Quality Magazine as her mouthpiece.
DICK What?!
JO They want names, and the name she’s protecting—
DICK (The weight of his upbringing on his shoulders.) Gotcha.
JO She’s defying them, and we’ve got to help. Come on!
DICK You got a plan?
JO Better: I got you, and we’ll think of something.
DICK Shouldn’t you change first? Spies are supposed to blend in, and whatever you think of the dress….
JO Deal. And Dick? (Tosses the bouquet; DICK catches it.) Already we’re shaking things up.
Scene 3
CHARLIE’s showroom. THE THREE SISTERS interrogate a mute MORRIS.
MOUNT HOLYOKE Tell us.
RADCLIFFE We know you know.
WELLESLEY They haven’t been seen for hours.
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RADCLIFFE One of the seamstresses mentioned a wedding dress.
MOUNT HOLYOKE Did they elope?
WELLESLEY You can draw it, dance it, act it out in charades, but tell us what’s going on—or else! (MAURICE’s eyes widen with terror.) All right ladies—
RADCLIFFE, WELLESLEY and MOUNT HOLYOKE TICKLE!
(THE THREE SISTERS launch a tickle attack on MORRIS who struggles to stay mute. Enter CHARLIE. HE addresses THE THREE SISTERS using his oh-so- French “I barely speak English” schtick.)
CHARLIE TRANSLATION Radcliffe! Wellesley! Mount Holyoke! Radcliffe! Wellesley! Mount Holyoke! Mais qu’est-ce qu’il se passe? What is happening?
RADCLIFFE Dick and Jo are nowhere to be found.
WELLESLEY He knows something.
MOUNT HOLYOKE We can tell.
CHARLIE Dick et Jo, uh, how you say…? Photo shoot.
MOUNT HOLYOKE Without us?
RADCLIFFE Why?
CHARLIE Je ne parle pas anglais. Now, partez! Allez-y! Sortez d’ici! (Exit THE THREE SISTERS. CHARLIE is once again from Louisiana.) You okay?
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MORRIS If they’d tickled me one more second, I’d’ve said some words all right.
CHARLIE It’s your own damn fault. If you’d simply memorize “Je ne parle pas anglais—”
MORRIS Nothing simple about it. I have no aptitude for languages.
CHARLIE Jo’s worked wonders with my subjunctive. She thinks I can pull this off for years—but not if we’re prentending you don’t speak at all.
MORRIS I could speak English.
CHARLIE All of a sudden my silent assistant talks, in English, with a Jersey accent? Dior would be a dog with that bone till he sucked out the marrow.
MORRIS I could go home.
CHARLIE Unless you mean our flat across from Le Parc Monceau, non. You’re staying. And you’re learning French.
MORRIS I can’t.
CHARLIE You know plié, you know tendu, you know pas de chat?
MORRIS Of course.
CHARLIE Bon. We’ll simply expand your repetoire.
#19 – Hello, Good Morning
MORRIS (HE’s the trained dancer, not CHARLIE.) You’re going to teach me how to dance?
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CHARLIE Get up.
(Each lyric has a step or gesture that goes with it.)
HELLO, GOOD MORNING! GOOD MORNING, HELLO! HOW ARE YOU THIS VERY LOVELY DAY? I FEEL VERY WELL, SIR. IT’S GREAT TO BE ALIVE, AND WE ONLY HAVE ONE MINUTE MORE TO SAY: HELLO, GOOD MORNING! ISN’T THIS A LOVELY DAY? ISN’T THIS A LOVELY DAY?
Got it?
(MORRIS repeats the choroegraphy flawlessly in triple time.)
MORRIS Choreography’s not my problem, French is.
CHARLIE So I’ll say the words, you do the moves—but pretend what I’m saying is what the moves are called.
MORRIS I don’t think—
CHARLIE Don’t think: dance! Tendu, tendu, plie, pas de chat.
(MORRIS performs the steps and gestures as CHARLIE sings in French.)
CHARLIE TRANSLATION BONJOUR, SALUT! HELLO, GOOD MORNING! SALUT, BONJOUR! GOOD MORNING, HELLO! COMMENT ALLEZ VOUS HOW ARE YOU THIS VERY EN CE BEAU JOUR? LOVELY DAY? JE ME SENS SI HEUREUX, CHER MONSIEUR. I FEEL VERY WELL, SIR. AH, QUE LA VIE ET BELLE! IT’S GREAT TO BE ALIVE! ET NOUS N’AVONS PLUS SEUL AND WE ONLY HAVE UNE MINUTE POUR DIRE: ONE MINUTE MORE TO SAY: BONJOUR, SALUT! HELLO, GOOD MORNING! N’EST PAS UNE BELLE JOURNEE? ISN’T THIS A LOVELY DAY? N’EST PAS UNE BELLE JOURNEE? ISN’T THIS A LOVELY DAY?
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CHARLIE Good! Put it together, the steps and what they’re called.
CHARLIE and MORRIS TRANSLATION BONJOUR, SALUT! HELLO, GOOD MORNING!
CHARLIE Super!
CHARLIE and MORRIS TRANSLATION SALUT, BONJOUR! GOOD MORNING, HELLO!
CHARLIE Bravo!
MORRIS TRANSLATION COMMENT ALLEZ VOUS HOW ARE YOU THIS VERY LOVELY EN CE BEAU JOUR? DAY?
CHARLIE TRANSLATION JE ME SENS SI HEUREUX, CHER MONSIEUR. I FEEL VERY WELL, SIR.
CHARLIE and MORRIS TRANSLATION AH, QUE LA VIE ET BELLE! IT’S GREAT TO BE ALIVE! ET NOUS N’AVONS PLUS SEUL UNE AND WE ONLY HAVE ONE MINUTE MINUTE POUR DIRE: MORE TO SAY:
(MORRIS does a series of steps, identifying them by the French names CHARLIE has just assigned them.)
MORRIS Bonjour; salut; beau jour; cher monsieur; une minute; la vie, n’es pas?
CHARLIE Bravo!
CHARLIE and MORRIS ISN’T THIS A LOVELY DAY? BONJOUR!
(CHARLIE is proud of MORRIS and MORRIS is proud of himself. THEY are enjoying the moment when DICK and JO enter, very much in love.)
MORRIS Dick! Jo! Salut! Bonjour! Comment allez vous? N’est pas une belle journée?
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DICK (To JO, regarding MORRIS.) First he didn’t speak. Then he spoke English. Now he speaks a kind of Martha Graham French—I can’t keep up.
CHARLIE How’d it go?
JO The shoot? Wonderfully.
DICK So wonderfully, we have an announcement.
MORRIS (Excited; HE’s a romantic.) Yay!
DICK Today, Jo Stockton asked me not to marry her.
JO And he said yes!
MORRIS Yay…?
DICK All because of the dress.
MORRIS (To JO.) You hated it.
JO No! It’s a work of art—
CHARLIE But art carries a message and it’s the message you object to.
JO Here’s our message: marriage is an obstacle to a woman’s self-fulfillment—
DICK But there’s all kinds of couples, twosomes, partners making it up as they go along. That’ll be us.
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MORRIS All is right with the world.
DICK Almost.
JO If only we could get to J. Edgar Hoover.
CHARLIE This is your lucky day: his wife happens to be one of our biggest customers.
MORRIS In every sense of the word, poor thing.
DICK Hoover’s not married. I did a photo shoot of Washington’s Most Eligible Bachelors.
JO (Horrified, as are CHARLIE and MORRIS.) Eligible?!
DICK That’s why we nixed him. But’s he’s very much a bachelor.
MORRIS Then who is Mrs. Hoover that lives with him in Chevy Chase, is fond of feathers and insists on Empire waists despite our efforts to convince her otherwise?
JO So you’ve met her.
CHARLIE Never, but we could spot her in a crowd.
MORRIS (Bust, waist, hips.) Thirty-eight, thirty-nine, thirty-four.
DICK That’s no mistress.
JO More like a mister….
(ALL realize the implication.)
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CHARLIE There’s nothing wrong with it. Morris and I have been known to play dress up.
JO Yeah? Back home, Hoover would label you two a threat to national security while lounging in his hostess pajamas—which somewhere you must have sketches of.
MORRIS Charlie doesn’t do hostess pajamas!
CHARLIE And the last thing a Black man needs is to tangle with law enforcement.
DICK Even for Maggie? This could ruin her career, and she kinda made yours.
(A beat. CHARLIE opens a drawer and removes three renderings.)
CHARLIE Did I mention there was a break-in at the showroom and some renderings were stolen?
JO (Hugs CHARLIE.) You’re very brave, you know that?
DICK I hate to break this up, but we’re delaying our first kiss till this situation’s resolved, so—
MORRIS How romantic!
CHARLIE How frustrating! Go! (EXIT JO and DICK. There’s something MORRIS is not saying.) What?
MORRIS Jo’s right: Charlie Allen is brave.
CHARLIE But? I hear a but.
MORRIS Charles Alain de Lafayette….
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CHARLIE What about him?
MORRIS Day-old Dior.
CHARLIE Morris!
MORRIS Charlie—that’s whose message I want to hear. That’s what I want to see on the runway.
CHARLIE Redesign the entire collection, top-to-bottom, with less than a week till showtime?
#19A – He Loves and She Loves (reprise)/Hello, Good Morning (reprise)
MORRIS You don’t have to do it alone. There’s all kinds of couples, twosomes, partners—
HE LOVES AND HE LOVES AND THEY LOVE, SO WON’T YOU LOVE ME AS I LOVE YOU.
CHARLIE ISN’T THIS A LOVELY DAY?
Scene 4
JO and DICK walk purposefully, armed with CHARLIE’s renderings.
#20 – Strike Up the Band
JO and DICK LET THE DRUMS ROLL OUT! LET THE TRUMPET CALL! WHILE THE PEOPLE SHOUT— STRIKE UP THE BAND!
(THEY present the renderings to MAGGIE, who grasps the implication.)
MAGGIE Eighteen hours there, eighteen hours back, and if I drive really fast, five hours from D.C. to New York… I’ll be back in forty-one hours.
JO What’s in New York?
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MAGGIE A little surprise I have planned.
DICK And when people ask where you are?
MAGGIE There’ll be so busy preparing for the show they won’t even notice.
JO Those FBI agents will.
MAGGIE Oh, they’ll know where I am… and why.
(Exit DICK and JO. MAGGIE walks purposefully, clutching CHARLIE’s renderings.)
HEAR THE CYMBALS RING! CALLING ONE AND ALL TO THE MARTIAL SWING— STRIKE UP THE BAND!
(MAGGIE in J. EDGAR HOOVER’s office. HE sits in a chair so high we see none of his body, only smoke rising from what we assume is his cigar. Next to him is a telephone. MAGGIE presents CHARLIE’s renderings.)
MAGGIE Of course, I don’t care what you wear, though in my professional opinion you’re too short for an Empire waist and too mature for feathers. But if you’re going to threaten me for expressing myself, I fear I must return the favor. And while I’m all for men in dresses, gals in slacks and anything and everything in between, the average American might not be so “broad”-minded.
(HOOVER’s hand picks up the phone. On another part of the stage, FBI AGENT 2 answers the phone, then looks incredulously at FBI AGENT 1. In the showroom, CHARLES and MORRIS work purposefully.)
MORRIS THERE IS WORK TO BE DONE—
CHARLIE TO BE DONE! THERE’S A WAR TO BE WON,
MORRIS TO BE WON!
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MORRIS and CHARLIE COME YOU SON OF A, SON OF A GUN— TAKE YOUR STAND!
CHARLIE Not even a little boning ‘round the bust?
MORRIS Brave, Charlie. Remember?
CHARLIE Well, if we’re being brave: no boning, and no brassiere!
(Exit CHARLIE and MORRIS. MAGGIE walks purposely to JO’s philosophy PROFESSOR.)
MAGGIE FALL IN LINE, YEA BO! COME ALONG, LET’S GO! HEY LEADER, STRIKE UP—
PROFESSOR Paris?!
MAGGIE Paris.
PROFESSOR When?
MAGGIE Now.
MAGGIE and PROFESSOR STRIKE UP THE BAND!
Scene 5
JO’s hotel room, where SHE is sound asleep. The sun’s just starting to rise. There is a soft knock on her door.
DICK (O.S.) Jo, wake up. It’s me. It’s Dick.
JO Dick?! Just a minute.
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(JO) (Primps in the mirror, then opens the door.) What is it? What’s wrong?
DICK Nothing’s wrong. In fact—how did Morris put it? All is right with the world: Maggie’s back.
JO Mission accomplished?
DICK Uh-huh. You know what that means?
(At long last their first kiss, and it was worth the wait.)
#21 – How Long Has This Been Going On?
JO You got me feeling all… philosophical.
DICK Not what a guy wants to hear when he kisses a girl.
JO Depends on her philosophy.
I WAS TAUGHT THAT I OUGHT NOT EXPOSE MY INNER SENSES. HAD NO PLAN FOR A MAN; I WAS FULL OF SELF DEFENSES. NOW I FEEL THAT I REAL- LY SHOULD FACE THE CONSEQUENCES…. MY EXISTENTIAL SEARCH HAS LEFT ME IN THE LURCH…. I MUST FIND WHY MY MIND IS BEHAVING LIKE A DANCER. WHAT’S THE CLUE TO PURSUE? FOR I HAVE TO HAVE THE ANSWER….
I COULD CRY SALTY TEARS;
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(JO) WHERE HAVE I BEEN ALL THESE YEARS? LITTLE WOW, TELL ME NOW: HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN GOING ON? THERE WERE CHILLS UP MY SPINE, AND SOME THRILLS I CAN’T DEFINE. LISTEN, SWEET, I REPEAT: HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN GOING ON? OH, I FEEL THAT I COULD MELT; INTO HEAVEN I’M HURLED. I KNOW HOW COLUMBUS FELT FINDING ANOTHER WORLD. KISS ME ONCE, THEN ONCE MORE. WHAT A DUNCE I WAS BEFORE! WHAT A BREAK— FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE! HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN GOING ON?
(Another kiss, which is interrupted by pounding on the door.)
“EUGENE AARON” (O.S.) FBI!
JO So much for mission accomplished.
DICK What do we do?
“JONATHAN SMITHSONIAN” (O.S.) FBI! Open up!
(DICK opens the door and is startled to recognize FBI AGENTS 1 and 2.)
DICK You two?!
JO Dick Avery, may I present Mr. Aaron and Mr. Smithsonian.
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DICK He needs a new—
“JONATHAN SMITHSONIAN” I know! (To JO.) Come on.
JO Am I under arrest?
“EUGENE AARON” Just come with us, please.
DICK She’s not going anywhere ‘less I go with her!
“EUGENE AARON” Suit yourself.
Scene 6
Café Flore in Saint-Germain-des-Près. PROFESSOR and STUDENTS are gathered around a colorfully dressed and dramatically turbaned woman, mid-40s, with piercing blue eyes. This is SIMONE DE BEAUVOIR. In front of her is a pitcher of Apricot Cocktail and a shot glass. A drinking game is in progress; MAGGIE watches from the side.
STUDENT 1 Okay: never ever have I ever understood Hegel’s ontologically monistic theory of absolute idealism.
BEAUVOIR (French accent.) I have! I do. Hegel is saying—
STUDENT 2 Don’t explain. (Fills her shot glass.) Drink.
(SHE downs the shot, to the delight of PROFESSOR and STUDENTS.)
STUDENT 3 My turn: never I have ever known where the body ends and the mind begins.
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BEAUVOIR Professor, what are you teaching them? (To STUDENT 3.) First, define your terms: what is the mind? What is the body?
STUDENT 4 (Fills her shot glass.) That’s a yes.
(SHE downs the shot, to the delight of PROFESSOR and STUDENTS.)
BEAUVOIR Naughty boys: you are trying to get me drunk, non?
PROFESSOR This’ll do it: never have I ever read every word ever written by Jean-Paul Sartre.
BEAUVOIR Mon dieu!
(SHE reaches for the pitcher which SHE downs in an unbroken chug.)
PROFESSOR and STUDENTS Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!
(ALL cheer. DICK and JO enter, escorted by FBI AGENTS 1 and 2. MAGGIE addresses BEAUVOIR, PROFESSOR and STUDENTS.)
MAGGIE Here she is!
JO Professor Chapman?!
PROFESSOR (BEAUVOIR’s not the only one enjoying the Apricot Cocktail.) Hello, Miss Stockton! Welcome to Paris! Wait a minute, I’m the one who just got here…. (Offers his glass to STUDENT.) Hit me.
JO What are you doing here?! All of you!
MAGGIE Well, as you know, I had little matter to attend to back home. I thought while I was there, I’d pick up the professor and your classmates.
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STUDENT 3 To watch while you interview Beauvoir.
PROFESSOR A real live philosopher!
JO (Realizes that the turbaned woman is BEAUVOIR.) You mean, that’s…. you’re…?!
BEAUVOIR Madame Simone de Beauvoir!
MAGGIE Surprise! You’ll do your thesis and defend it at the same time, courtesy of Quality Magazine. Oh, and I paid your tuition.
(JO is speechless and starstruck. BEAUVOIR addresses STUDENTS.)
BEAUVOIR Pour her an Apricot Cocktail.
STUDENT 4 She’s a pistol, Jo.
STUDENT 1 Yeah, tell Thoreau to jump in Walden Pond: I’m full-on existentialist.
BEAUVOIR Madame Prescott tells me you have read Le Deuxième Sexe en français. Je suis impressioné. (Regarding DICK and FBI AGENTS.) But who are these people? They do not look like les philosophes.
“EUGENE AARON” FBI. (Indicates MAGGIE and JO.) We were tailing these two, till Washington called and said to tail you—
“JONATHAN SMITHSONIAN” (To BEAUVOIR, indicating MAGGIE.) So we could tell her where you are— (Indicates JO.) Then get her here without telling her why…. Know what? I’ve lost sight of the mission. (To STUDENTS, regarding the pitcher of Apricot Cocktail.) Hit me.
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BEAUVOIR (To DICK.) And you are?
JO With me.
DICK Forever—not married! No, no: marriage is an obstacle to a woman’s self-fulfillment.
BEAUVOIR C’est vrai.
DICK No matter who she was before, a wife is expected to cook the meals, clean the house—
BEAUVOIR And l’existentialisme is a philosophy of freedom: at work, at home, even le boudoir.
DICK Wait, what?
JO (To BEAUVOIR.) He’s not at that chapter yet.
BEAUVOIR (To DICK.) Sartre and I, we too are forever—but that does not mean there aren’t fleeting riches to be had with different people.
(STUDENTS adlib “Yeah!” “Tell me more!” “I’m different!” etc.)
DICK And Sartre’s okay with this?
BEAUVOIR Bien sûr, it was his idea. “Contingent relationships,” that’s what we call them.
DICK Contingent on what?
#22 – Contingency Plan (The Man I Love/Someone to Watch Over Me/I’ve Got a Crush on You)
BEAUVOIR Not what: who.
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(BEAUVOIR) (Surveys PROFESSOR, STUDENTS, FBI AGENTS and DICK.) SOMEDAY HE’LL COME ALONG, THE MAN I LOVE;
STUDENT 1 Me! Me!
BEAUVOIR AND HE’LL BE BIG AND STRONG, THE MAN I LOVE;
(Zeroes in on STUDENT 2.) AND WHEN HE COMES MY WAY, I’LL DO MY BEST TO MAKE HIM STAY.
But—
(To STUDENT 3.) THERE’S A SOMEBODY I’M LONGIN’ TO SEE; I HOPE THAT HE TURNS OUT TO BE SOMEONE WHO’LL WATCH OVER ME.
For now.
(To STUDENT 4.) I’M A LITTLE LAMB WHO’S LOST IN THE WOOD; I KNOW I COULD ALWAYS BE GOOD TO ONE WHO’LL WATCH—
(To PROFESSOR.) I’VE GOT A CRUSH ON YOU, SWEETIE PIE. ALL THE DAY AND NIGHTTIME HEAR ME SIGH. I NEVER HAD THE LEAST NOTION THAT I COULD FALL WITH SO MUCH EMOTION.
(To “EUGENE AARON.”) COULD YOU COO— (Adds “JONATHAN SMITHSONIAN” to make it a threesome.) COULD YOU CARE FOR A CUNNING COTTAGE WE COULD SHARE? THE WORLD WILL PARDON MY MUSH ‘CAUSE I’VE GOT A CRUSH, MY BABY, ON YOU.
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(BEAUVOIR) AND YOU. YOU! YOU! YOU! YOU!
(BEAUVOIR, PROFESSOR, STUDENTS and FBI AGENTS dance.)
DICK Jo, I know you don’t want marriage—
JO We don’t.
DICK Right. But I can’t share you!
JO Men wander.
DICK Some men.
JO Have you?
DICK Cheated? On you?!
JO On anybody! And what if it’s not cheating? What’s if it’s how human beings are wired, and up till now only men are allowed to enjoy the wiring?
DICK Look, I’m not saying I’ve been an altar boy—
JO Then don’t ask me to be a nun! (Joins the fun.) Oh, fellas—
HOW GLAD THE MANY MILLIONS OF TIMOTHYS AND WILLIAMS WOULD BE TO CAPTURE ME?
(Exit DICK. MAGGIE notices, and follows him.)
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BEAUVOIR ALTHOUGH HE MAY NOT BE THE MAN SOME GIRLS THINK OF AS HANDSOME—
JO MAYBE I SHALL MEET HIM SUNDAY—
BEAUVOIR MAYBE MONDAY—
JO and BEAUVOIR MAYBE NOT. STILL I’M SURE TO MEET HIM ONE DAY.
BEAUVOIR MAYBE TUESDAY WILL BE MY GOOD NEWS DAY!
JO and BEAUVOIR PROF and AGENTS 1 & 2 STUDENTS HE’LL BUILD A LITTLE HOME, [Vocal arrangement of [Vocal arrangement of “I’ve THAT’S MEANT FOR “Someone to Watch Over Got a Crush on You.”] TWO. Me.”]
BEAUVOIR OR THREE OR FOUR.
JO and BEAUVOIR PROF and AGENTS 1 & 2 STUDENTS FROM WHICH I’LL NEVER ROAM; [Vocal arrangement of [Vocal arrangement of “I’ve WHO WOULD? WOULD “Someone to Watch Over Got a Crush on You.”] YOU? Me.”]
BEAUVOIR REVOLVING DOOR.
JO and BEAUVOIR PROF and AGENTS 1 & 2 STUDENTS AND SO ALL ELSE [Vocal arrangement of [Vocal arrangement of “I’ve ABOVE, “Someone to Watch Over Got a Crush on You.”] I’M DREAMING OF— Me.”]
BEAUVOIR THE MAN—
JO and BEAUVOIR PROFESSOR, STUDENTS, AGENTS 1 and 2 I LOVE! THE MEN YOU LOVE!
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Scene 7
Backstage, the day of the show. MODELS dash about in preparation.
#23 – Pay Attention to Me (reprise)
MODELS MY CLOTHES I KEEP PRESSING; MY HAIR I KEEP DRESSING; MY FACE I’M COLD-CREAMING— DREAMING, “PLEASE PAY SOME ATTENTION TO ME.” MY WAIST I KEEP THINNER, NO STARCHES AT DINNER, NEW HATS I KEEP BUYING, SIGHING, “PLEASE PAY SOME ATTENTION TO ME.”
(Enter CHARLIE, who addresses MODELS using his oh-so-French “I barely speak English” schtick.)
CHARLIE Cinq minutes! Cinq minutes! (Exit MODELS; enter MORRIS. CHARLIE is again from Louisiana.) Nervous?
MORRIS No. In love.
(THEY sneak a kiss. Enter THE THREE SISTERS in curlers and bathrobes.)
MOUNT HOLYOKE Where’s Dick?
RADCLIFFE Why isn’t he here?
WELLESLEY What’s going on?
CHARLIE Je ne comprends pas. Maurice?!
(Exit CHARLIE and MORRIS.)
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MOUNT HOLYOKE I heard they have philosophical differences.
RADCLIFFE Uh-huh: Dick wants a wife; she wants a life.
WELLESLEY Amen. Every time I look at my husband, I wonder how I got myself into this mess—excuse me, marriage.
MOUNT HOLYOKE And?
WELLESLEY What?
RADCLIFFE and MOUNT HOLYOKE How did you?
#24 – Boy! What Love Has Done to Me!
WELLESLEY IT HAPPENED DOWN AT THE GOLDEN GATE, A FOOL WAS THERE AND HER NAME WAS KATE.
RADCLIFFE (To MOUNT HOLYOKE, regarding WELLESLEY.) I always forget her name is Kate.
WELLESLEY SHE WENT AND FOUND HERSELF A MATE AND SHE SUFFERED EVER AFTER. OF MILLIONAIRES SHE HAD HER PICK, BUT SHE PLAYED HERSELF A DIRTY TRICK WHEN SHE CHOSE THAT GUY WHOSE NAME WAS SLICK.
MOUNT HOLYOKE Slick?!
WELLESLEY SHE’S A SAP TO LOVE HIM SO; LISTEN TO HER TALE OF WOE: I FETCH HIS SLIPPERS, FILL UP THE PIPE HE SMOKES; I COOK THE KIPPERS, LAUGH AT HIS OLDEST JOKES;
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(WELLESLEY) YET HERE I ANCHOR— I MIGHT HAVE HAD A BANKER— BOY! WHAT LOVE HAS DONE TO ME!
RADCLIFFE You want to hear about my Mr. Wrong?
HIS NATURE’S FUNNY— QUARRELSOME HALF THE TIME. AND AS FOR MONEY—
WELLESLEY MINE HASN’T GOT A DIME;
RADCLIFFE AND HERE’S THE JOKER: I MIGHT HAVE HAD A BROKER.
RADCLIFFE and WELLESLEY BOY! WHAT LOVE HAS DONE TO ME! WHEN A GUY LOOKS MY WAY, DOES HE GET EMPHATIC! SAY, HE GETS DRAMATIC! I JUST WANT TO FLY ‘WAY— BUT IF I LEFT HIM I’D BE ALL AT SEA.
RADCLIFFE I’M JUST A SLAVEY; LIFE IS A FUNNY THING.
WELLESLEY HE’S GOT THE GRAVY, I GOT THE WEDDING RING.
RADCLIFFE and WELLESLEY AND STILL I LOVE HIM, THERE’S NOBODY ABOVE HIM! BOY! WHAT LOVE HAS DONE TO ME!
WELLESLEY (To MOUNT HOLYOKE.) Aren’t you glad you’re not married?
RADCLIFFE Wellesley—
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WELLESLEY What? She lives with her mother.
MOUNT HOLYOKE My mother?! I haven’t lived at home since I went to Mount Holyoke!
WELLESLEY Then who’s that woman that answers the phone when I call?
RADCLIFFE Wellesley!
WELLESLEY What? (Puts it together.) Oh….
RADCLIFFE Wellesley girls aren’t as smart as they think.
MOUNT HOLYOKE When it comes to love, neither am I.
HER BRAINS ARE MINUS, NEVER A THOUGHT IN SIGHT— AND YET HER HIGHNESS LECTURES ME DAY AND NIGHT; OH WHERE WAS MY SENSE TO SIGN THAT WEDDING LICENSE—
WELLESLEY Wedding license?
MOUNT HOLYOKE Rent-controlled lease.
RADCLIFFE In New York, they’re one in the same.
RADCLIFFE, WELLESLEY and MOUNT HOLYOKE BOY! WHAT LOVE HAS DONE TO ME! I CAN’T HOLD MY HEAD UP:
WELLESLEY THE BUTCHER—
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RADCLIFFE THE BAKER—
MOUNT HOLYOKE ALL KNOW SHE’S A FAKER—
RADCLIFFE, WELLESLEY and MOUNT HOLYOKE BROTHER, I AM FED UP—
WELLESLEY BUT IF I LEFT HIM I’D BE UP A TREE.
RADCLIFFE, WELLESLEY and MOUNT HOLYOKE WHERE WILL I WIND UP? I DON’T KNOW WHERE I’M AT. I MAKE MY MIND UP I OUGHT TO LEAVE HIM FLAT.
MOUNT HOLYOKE Her.
RADCLIFFE, WELLESLEY and MOUNT HOLYOKE BUT I HAVE GROWN SO I LOVE THE DIRTY SO’N’SO!
RADCLIFFE BOY!
WELLESLEY GIRL!
MOUNT HOLYOKE GIRL, GIRL!
RADCLIFFE, WELLESLEY and MOUNT HOLYOKE BOY! WHAT LOVE HAS DONE TO ME!
(Enter MAGGIE.)
MAGGIE Radcliffe, Wellesley, Mount Holyoke, the show’s about to start!
MOUNT HOLYOKE Maggie, are you sure about this?
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MAGGIE Not in the least. That’s what makes it exciting. Go! (Exit THE THREE SISTERS. MAGGIE knocks on a dressing room door.) Jo, it’s Maggie.
(JO opens the door. SHE wears a white bathrobe, and a towel on her head. Her face is fully made up. SHE has never looked more beautiful.)
JO Any word?
MAGGIE I know he’s back from Normandy.
JO Why’d he go there again?
MAGGIE Favor. For a friend. (Hands JO an envelope.) This is for you.
JO From Dick?!
MAGGIE Promise not to open it till after the show.
JO Maggie—!
MAGGIE Please Jo, for Charles. Today is very important to him. I don’t want anything to spoil it.
JO You’re right. I’ll wait… but I’m dying to know what it says.
MAGGIE I’ve no idea. But I do know this: Beauvoir’s wrong about one thing.
JO Marriage?
MAGGIE Okay, two. Marrying Bernie? Smartest move I ever made. And this whole “contingency plan” thing…?
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JO The world is changing.
MAGGIE I know, I helped change it. So did Bernie, by letting me be who I am. But if I’d said, “Honey, I want to see other people?” And if he said it to me! No, there’s something nice about feeling a man’s arms around you and knowing you’re the only woman in the world his arms want to hold.
JO I respect that you keep your private life private, but soon as we’re back, promise I’ll meet him?
MAGGIE Bernie? Can’t.
JO We were fugitives from the law together! Surely—
MAGGIE Jo, my wearing black every day… it’s not a fashion statement.
JO You mean…?
MAGGIE It wasn’t just our boys who enlisted after Pearl Harbor. Some of our men did, too. We lost him on D-Day.
JO That’s why Dick went to Normandy!
MAGGIE I want a picture of it. I want to see where he…. (MAGGIE can’t speak, and neither can JO. THEY cling to each other—until MAGGIE breaks away.) I’m paying that make-up artist a fortune to do your face. I am not throwing good money away on tears. You get in that dressing room, pull yourself together and show the world what I’ve known for a while now: Bernie and I didn’t have kids, but if we did, I’d want her to be just like you!
(A quick hug, and JO exits into the dressing room. MAGGIE is alone on stage with her grief… or is it the warmth of her memories?)
#25 – Dear Little Boy
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(MAGGIE) I HOPE YOU MISS ME AS I MISS YOU, DEAR LITTLE BOY. I AM LONESOME; ARE YOU LONESOME, TOO, DEAR LITTLE BOY? DREAMING YOU ARE HERE AGAIN, MY HEAD’S IN A WHIRL. DEAR OLD PAL, IT’S CLEAR AGAIN: I’M A LUCKY GIRL. MAKE ME HAPPY, TELL ME THIS IS TRUE, DEAR LITTLE BOY. SAY YOU MISS ME MUCH AS I MISS YOU— SAY YOU MISS ME MUCH AS I MISS YOU, DEAR LITTLE BOY.
Scene 8
The fashion show! CHARLIE addresses the audience.
CHARLIE Bienvenu à la presentation de la toute dernière collection de Charles Alain de Lafayette. Avant que nous commencions permettez moi de me presenter, je m’appelle— (Again and forevermore from Louisiana.) Charlie Allen de Lafayette, Louisiana. I’ve been lying to y’all ‘cause I was afraid you wouldn’t like me if you knew who I was. But two people: Jo Stockton, the face of Lafayette, and Morris Marx—he’s the heart of the company—they made me see that if the accent’s phony, so are the clothes. Well, not anymore: here’s something newer than the New Look, clothes women can move in, forward and up! Clothes for women of all shapes and sizes—and ages. Thank you, Mo; thank you, Jo. Which reminds me of a word I learned from my grandmother—she was born a slave—and she learned it from her grandmother who learned it from someone who said it’s some kind of African for “magic.” I hope y’all agree. Ladies and gentleman, I give you MoJo!
#26 – March of the Suffragettes (reprise)/Gershwin Favorites TBD
(A fashion show complete with runway and a big sign: MOJO! Looser fits, lower heels, trousers for women. In addition to JO and MODELS, RADCLIFFE, WELLESLEY and MOUNT HOLYOKE model outfits, as does MAGGIE, still in black, and still fabulous. Even BEAUVOIR, escorted by sexily clad FBI AGENTS 1 and 2. The show unfolds to a medley of Gershwin favorites anchored by “March of the Suffragettes.” Vocals or no vocals, TBD. The show is a triumph. JO, MODELS, RADCLIFFE, WELLESLEY, MOUNT HOLYOKE, MAGGIE, BEAUVOIR and FBI AGENTS 1 and 2 take a bow and are joined onstage by a beaming CHARLIE and MORRIS, then hugs all around. JO steps to the side to open the envelope MAGGIE gave her.)
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MAGGIE Charlie, is it? I don’t know what to say.
CHARLIE Whatever it is, you can say it in English.
MORRIS And I can answer!
(JO reads the letter as DICK appears on another part of the stage.)
#27 – Somebody from Somewhere
DICK Dear Jo, my parents wanted to change the world but didn’t know how. You do—and I won’t stand in your way because I’m unable to unlearn what being a man in a man’s world has taught me. I’m stepping aside to clear the way for you to make a difference. And while you’re making it, I’ll be here loving you, and hoping you find someone better… someone bigger than me.
SOMEBODY FROM SOMEWHERE WILL APPEAR SOMEDAY; I DON’T KNOW JUST FROM WHERE, BUT HE’S ON HIS WAY. YOU JUST KEEP ON WAITING, WAITING TILL YOU VIEW SOMEBODY FROM SOMEWHERE FOR NOBODY BUT YOU.
(MAGGIE notices JO with the letter.)
MAGGIE Jo, is everything all right?
JO I thought I’d found my Bernie, but….
(MAGGIE hugs her; CHARLIE addresses her.)
CHARLIE Je suis désolée. Je veux que tu sois heureux.
JO Good use of the subjunctive.
MORRIS What did he say?
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CHARLIE I want her to be happy. (To JO.) You’ve done so much for us.
MAGGIE All of us.
MORRIS What we can do for you?
JO Not a thing. (Starts to exit.) Except—catch!
(Tosses the bouquet SHE’s still holding. CHARLIE catches it and looks at MORRIS; THEY exit hand-in-hand. MAGGIE puts her arm around JO and leads her off.)
DICK YOU JUST KEEP ON WAITING, WAITING TILL YOU VIEW SOMEBODY FROM SOMEWHERE FOR NOBODY BUT YOU.
Scene 9
The bookstore, 16 months later. Some of CHARLIE’s fashion sense has rubbed off on JO; maybe even some of Quality’s make-up tips. SHE’s far from glam, but SHE looks powerful and beautiful. One thing hasn’t change: SHE’s engrossed in a book as thick as a doorstop, making notes as SHE reads. A TEENAGE GIRL enters. JO addresses her without looking up.
JO Let me know if you need help finding something. (TEENAGE GIRL stares at JO. JO becomes aware SHE’s being stared at and looks up. TEENAGE GIRL immediately pretends to look at a book.) You’re sure I can’t help you? (TEENAGE GIRL shakes her head no. JO goes back to her book. Again, TEENAGE GIRL stares at JO, and again JO becomes aware SHE’s being stared at and looks up. TEENAGE GIRL immediately pretends to look at a book.) If you’re going feign interest in a book, you might want to move away from the do-it-yourself section. Something tells me you’re not looking to build your own patio.
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TEENAGE GIRL (Holds up the issue of Quality with JO’s face on the cover.) Are you her?
JO Not really.
TEENAGE GIRL My friends swear you are: the Face of Lafayette.
JO For one month, a year ago.
TEENAGE GIRL (Hands JO the issue of Quality with JO’s face on the cover.) Can I have your autograph?
JO (Hands TEENAGE GIRL a literary journal.) Tell you what, take a look at this.
TEENAGE GIRL Social Forces Quarterly…. (Flips through it.) No pictures?
JO Articles, one of ‘em by me. And if you like what you read, I’ll gladly sign it for you.
TEENAGE GIRL Which one?
JO “The Myth of Female Inferiority.”
TEENAGE GIRL I don’t even know what means.
JO Every girl knows what that means. You just don’t know you know it yet.
TEENAGE GIRL Huh… I have to do a report for Civics. (Indicates JO’s article.) Is this a good topic?
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JO I say yes, your teacher will say no, and that’s how I found my way onto that magazine cover you and your friends like so much.
TEENAGE GIRL That settles it. I’m glad I worked up the nerve to come here.
(SHE opens the journal and starts to read.)
#28 – March of the Suffragettes (reprise)
FREEDOM’S TORCHES ARE FLAMING….
JO (Holds up the issue of Quality that TEENAGE GIRL has left on the counter.) Excuse me.
TEENAGE GIRL (Too intrigued by JO’s article to hear her.) TYRANNY WE’LL BE TAMING….
JO Miss?
TEENAGE GIRL (Too engrossed in JO’s article to hear her.) FIGHT ON, SISTER, PROCLAIMING….
JO HEY! (This gets TEENAGE GIRL’s attention. JO indicates the issue of Quality that SHE has left on the counter.) Aren’t you forgetting something? There’s a great article on why France was so late letting women vote. (Conspiratorial.) And the clothes are kinda fabulous. (Sings, offering the issue of Quality Magazine to TEENAGE GIRL) WOMEN CAN BE PEOPLE—
(TEENAGE GIRL takes the issue of Quality Magazine.)
TEENAGE GIRL WOMEN CAN BE PEOPLE—
JO and TEENAGE GIRL I WILL BE A PERSON, TOO!
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(Exit TEENAGE GIRL. JO goes back to her research. DICK enters. HE looks younger and freer, if a bit sadder, than before. Thinking it’s TEENAGE GIRL, JO addresses him without looking up.)
JO Forget something?
DICK Not for a moment.
(JO looks up.)
JO Dick…!
DICK Don’t look so shocked. I’m not Marley’s ghost.
JO It’s just… it’s been—
DICK A year, five months, two weeks and three days.
JO Nobody knew where you were.
DICK Everywhere. Asking, quietly, to borrow photographs. I’m publishing another book.
JO You are?!
DICK Real People, Real Places. We chose the cover today.
JO Let me see, let me see!
(HE removes a photo from a large envelope: JO on the plane.)
DICK I didn’t pick it, my editor did. He loves all the photos, but this one he said has something really special. I told him, “Does she ever.” (JO is speechless.) Hey, you a philosopher yet?
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JO Got a piece of paper says I am. But did you hear about Charlie?
DICK The Coty Award.
JO They only give it to American designers. If we hadn’t convinced him to come clean about who he is—well, sort of….
DICK We didn’t convince him of anything, you did. You’re good at that. Putting it to use?
JO Oh yes: writing articles for journals that three people read.
DICK And Quality Magazine. I loved your piece on Beauvoir.
JO Got her an American publisher!
DICK You’re doing the translation?!
JO Of course not: they hired a man. Maggie wrote an outraged letter. She’s been good to me, Dick—has me vet every issue of Quality for all the ways she’s sending the wrong message. (Indicates her outfit.) In exchange I get clothes.
DICK (Regarding JO’s outfit, chic and sensible.) That’s what it means!
JO What?
DICK Bazazz! I noticed Mount Holyoke’s no longer on the masthead.
JO She moved to San Francisco to become a “Daughter of Bilitis.” I think it’s a women’s club, but political.
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DICK Speaking of political, I finished Le Deuxième Sexe.
JO And?
DICK There were words in it I couldn’t find in any French-English dictionary. But eventually I grasped what she meant. The really hard part came after I grasped it.
JO That’s what I write about. Beauvoir did a great job explaining how the past became the present. But I want to make sure the future is something else altogether.
DICK Sounds like a book.
JO It is—well, a chapter and a half.
DICK Babies start out small, remember? But they grow. Grown-ups grow, too. Look, you once told me men will never change the system because the system works for men.
JO The letter you left me sort of confirmed that.
DICK That’s over. That’s past. Because what I really can’t do is live without you… and whoever else you take a shine to along the way.
JO Yeah, I don’t…. I went to Paris with one hero and came home with two. And what Maggie had with her husband—
DICK No contingency plan?!
JO Not for me. I might even want to get married.
DICK Hold that thought while I find a pastor, a judge, a ship captain to make it official!
JO Someday.
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DICK When?
JO How ‘bout when Charlie can return to Louisiana, hop on a bus, sit up front and ride all the way to Lafayette City Hall to marry Morris Marx?
DICK Haven’t shot a wedding since Princess Elizabeth. I swore it was my last—but for Morris and Charlie, I’ll make an exception… only I won’t live long enough to see that happen.
JO Maybe… maybe not.
#29 – Embraceable You
DICK Look, we can stand here all night and argue this….
JO Or we can argue over a nice dinner.
DICK Not hungry.
JO A drink, then.
DICK Not thirsty.
JO I guess a kiss is out.
(THEY kiss.)
EMBRACE ME, MY SWEET EMBRACEABLE YOU.
DICK EMBRACE ME, YOU IRREPLACEABLE YOU. JUST ONE LOOK AT YOU—MY HEART GREW TIPSY IN ME;
JO YOU AND YOU ALONE BRING OUT THE GYPSY IN ME.
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JO and DICK I LOVE ALL THE MANY CHARMS ABOUT YOU.
JO ABOVE ALL, I WANT MY ARMS AROUND YOU.
DICK DON’T BE A NAUGHTY BABY, COME TO PAPA—
JO COME TO MAMA—
JO and DICK DO! MY SWEET EMBRACEABLE YOU.
(The book store goes away to reveal magazine covers chronicling the progress of the women’s movement, and other movements, from 1949 to now, i.e. the inaugural issue of Ms. Magazine; Michelle Obama on the cover of Vogue; a Time Magazine cover about the legalizaion of gay marriage, etc. Everyone’s there: JO, DICK, MAGGIE, CHARLIE, MORRIS, RADCLIFFE, WELLESLEY, MOUNT HOLYOKE, BEAUVOIR, FBI AGENTS 1 and 2, PROFESSOR CHAPMAN. The ENSEMBLE represents every point along the gender continuum and every kind of coupling. This is the future as JO dreamed it—and fought for it—not to mention so many women and men before and after her, and still to come.)
ALL EMBRACE ME, MY SWEET EMBRACEABLE YOU. EMBRACE ME, YOU IRREPLACEABLE YOU. IN YOUR ARMS I FIND LOVE SO DELECTABLE, DEAR, I’M AFRAID IT ISN’T QUITE RESPECTABLE, DEAR. BUT HANG IT! COME ON, LET’S GLORIFY LOVE! DING DANG IT! YOU’LL SHOUT “ENCORE” IF I LOVE. DON’T BE A NAUGHTY BABY, COME TO PAPA COME TO PAPA—DO! MY SWEET EMBRACEABLE YOU.
THE END
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