ELSEWHERE by Adam Szymkowicz Seth Glewen The Gersh Agency 41 Madison Avenue 33rd Floor New York, NY 10010 P: 212-997-1818 F: 212-391-8459 [email protected] 1 CAST OF CHARACTERS CELIA-----------------------------------------The younger sister, early thirties to early forties TEDDY----------------------------------------The visitor, late twenties to early thirties AMANDA-------------------------------------The older sister, early thirties to early forties SETTING A mid-sized house in a small town in New England. The living room, dining room, Celia’s bedroom, Teddy’s bedroom, the back yard. TIME The Present 2 1 (CELIA is on the phone in the living room. She may wander, play with knick knacks as she talks. Possibly she has a super long phone cord she gets wrapped in.) CELIA (on the phone) Physics has a name for the things you can’t see. Elsewhere. Like if I’m transmitting something light years away, the time it’s in transmission, we lose it. During that time it’s elsewhere. It’s unknowable. Irrelevant. My sister used to bury my favorite toys when we were kids. It took me a while to figure out what was happening. I would get a new doll and I would tell everyone how much I loved its yarn hair and its jagged smile and before I knew it, it was gone. When I finally figured it out, I was able to unearth some of my toys. Never the ones I wanted most, but I found some, by digging all day long, day after day in randomly chosen places. Eventually the adults got involved and my excavations were shut down. Maybe I should have become an archeologist. Are archeologists lonely? Do they stay up at night thinking about civilizations they wish they could have been a part of? You know, loneliness is the only thing I can’t get over. I accept that they’re dead. I accept that I’m terrified of leaving the house, but I can’t stand how much it hurts to be alone. It burns with lack. The emptiness. I could take all the rest if there wasn’t such an emptiness. Sometimes I order things I don’t want just so the delivery man will show up and talk to me for a minute. But he just hands me the package and leaves again. What about you? Is your job lonely? It must be nice talking to people all day. No, I know, but still. Oh, right. I’m sorry I wasn’t letting you talk. Oh, well I don’t have a car so no, I don’t need car insurance. Hello? Hello? 2 (A doorbell. CELIA opens the door. TEDDY stands in the doorway, dressed in a UPS uniform and holding a package.) 3 TEDDY Celia Monroe. CELIA Yes, thank you. Would you like something to drink? TEDDY No, thank you. Sign here please. CELIA You sure? Maybe lemonade? Root beer? Coffee? Tea? Fruit punch? Ginger ale? Sarsaparilla? I have juice boxes. Orange juice? Beer? Wine? I have red and white. From bottles, not boxes. Ha! No? Iced tea? Apple cranberry? Cranberry apple? Carrot? Apricot? I have a juicer. I could make celery juice if you wanted. Or pumpkin. Or I have artificial juices if you prefer. People like that. Sugary. Or the kind without sugar but still tastes like sugar. Some people prefer that. TEDDY No, thanks. CELIA Water? A nice cold glass of water? I can’t send you out of here without at least a glass of water. TEDDY I’m fine, thanks. Really. Please sign here. CELIA Can I get you a cookie? Oh, milk! I have milk. TEDDY No, thanks. Please just sign here. CELIA Or crackers. I have the cheese ones and the ones that go well with peanut butter. Or brownies. Pie. I have lemon meringue, blueberry, apple, pumpkin. TEDDY I have more deliveries. If you could just sign-- CELIA There? TEDDY Yes. 4 (CELIA signs. She accepts the package.) CELIA Do you like turkey? TEDDY Have a nice day. (TEDDY turns to go.) CELIA Wait! (TEDDY waits.) CELIA Do you have plans for dinner tonight because I was going to make a feast but there is only me to eat it and if there was someone else it would make more sense to make a feast. Everyone else is busy tonight otherwise I wouldn’t impose on your social life but it seems a shame to eat a feast all by yourself, don’t you agree? TEDDY Uh— CELIA You could tell me what your favorite thing is and I could make it. I have lots of groceries. I get them all delivered. I can make anything. My freezer is gigantic. And the basement is just cans and cans and crates of food as far as you can see. So I never run out. I could make crème brûlée. Do you like crème brûlée? And I just got a shipment of Sicilian sausage. You brought it earlier in the week. I’ve been dying to try it. TEDDY Okay. CELIA Okay? TEDDY I’ll come to dinner. CELIA Really? TEDDY I’ll see you then. But I got to go now. 5 CELIA Okay! Great! Yay! Okay! What do you want? TEDDY I’ll eat whatever you make. CELIA What will I make? What will I make? (TEDDY exits. CELIA closes the door and puts on her apron. She prepares to make a feast.) 3 (TEDDY sits at the head of the dining room table. CELIA enters with one heaping platter after another. She sets each one down in front of TEDDY and then goes back to the kitchen to get more. It is indeed a feast. When she sits down finally, he is already eating.) CELIA You’re such a good eater! TEDDY (his mouth full) Thanks. CELIA Is it good? TEDDY Mmm. CELIA Good. Try some of the potatoes. TEDDY Mmm. 6 CELIA My fiancé was a good eater like you. I had to keep letting out his pants. He lived here with me for a while, longer than some, shorter than others. I don’t want to say there have been a lot of men, but-- We ate all our meals together, morning, noon and night. Sometimes two midday meals or a late night meal. Sometimes ice cream with every meal. He ate so well. I think he liked eating more than anything else. It was a defining character trait. Like some people are stingy or bossy. He was eaty. We were happy, I think. Sometimes he would leave for weeks at a time. He would come back emaciated and thin. I don’t know where he was going or why and he wouldn’t answer questions. But I set about feeding him right away and I would get his weight up and then he would disappear again. It made me so angry. So angry. He wouldn’t tell me where he was going and often wouldn’t say goodbye. I didn’t know if he was dead or not and then he’d come home like nothing had happened and if I asked questions, he’d just go mute, pretend he couldn’t hear. When he was here, he always kept the bed warm. I needed him here, you see. He couldn’t keep leaving like that. I wanted something more permanent. And he wanted to take off. He always came back, but I just couldn’t take the uncertainty. In the end, I put a stop to it. TEDDY What happened to him? CELIA He died. TEDDY Oh. CELIA It happens. Maybe not to everyone so young, but it happens. Better get used to it. The people around you die off one by one. The older you get, the more of them die. Then you die too. That’s how it goes. People always think it won’t happen to them. Not me, they say. That couldn’t happen to me. Or deep down they know everyone is the same but the irrational part of the brain says, “I’m special. By the time it’s time for me to die, they will have come up with a solution to the whole thing.” Like robots. TEDDY Robots? CELIA Like robots are going to be so advanced that we can be kept alive inside them, when really all they can do are build cars and vacuum the floor. Robots are not going to save you from death. How are the beets? 7 TEDDY Mmm. CELIA I like your disposition. Are you always like that? TEDDY I think so. CELIA I like it. It makes me serene. It’s a breath of fresh air. So many things put me on edge all day long. I look out the window and I get nervous. I read a book and it drives me crazy. I turn on the TV and I have to turn it off again right away. I sit down, I stand up I sit down again. I’ve tried crocheting and knitting and sewing. I’ve played classical piano, made clay pots, built towers from popsicle sticks. But none of it helped. It all made me crazy. Cooking calms me. Especially cooking for someone like you. So serene. How do you do it? TEDDY I don’t know. CELIA Tell me, what is your secret life? What are the things you think that you never tell anyone? What do you do that you don’t want anyone to know about. What makes you different? What excites you? What makes you emotional? What makes you, you? TEDDY Um .