THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FM 029 THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FM One man’s journey inside the alternative reality of Champ Man 01/02 Iain Macintosh’s instructions were simple: obtain a copy of Championship Manager 01/02. Start her up. Go on holiday. Observe. Report back. This is one man’s account of how things could have been if only real life was more like Champ Man In Italy, Roma rule the roost, In Spain, it’s Real Ah, there you are! Welcome to the Football Madrid who prosper while Barcelona are a shadow Manager time machine! We’re pretty sketchy on of their former selves. The Catalans only just the science, but we think that with a couple of AA qualified for the Champions League last season! batteries and those jump leads behind you, there’s Can they recover? Come on, step inside the pod, just a chance we can take you back to a far simpler quickly now, cover your eyes. It gets a little bumpy. time. A time when the only games that Lionel Oh, and don’t worry if some poo comes out, that’s Messi was dominating were the ones at his 14th perfectly normal… birthday party. A time when the only oil money at Manchester City was in the catering budget and a time when Roman Abramovich had much better things to do with his cash. This is the time of Championship Manager 2001/02. Manchester United have just won their third consecutive title, but Sir Alex Ferguson plans to retire at the end of the season. FOOTBALL MANAGER STOLE MY LIFE 20 years of beautiful obsession 2002 2003 All hail Portugal and their golden generation! It is not a good day to be David O’Leary. But then With goals from Luis Figo, Joao Pinto and Rui it never is, is it? Having left Leeds for Manchester Costa, they topple Italy in the World Cup Final in United, the Irishman can only watch in horror as Tokyo and set down the foundations for a new era Manchester United are comfortably beaten into of supremacy. England, by brutal contrast, are second place by…erm…Leeds. His replacement knocked out in the second round. By Germany. Roy Hodgson, having prospered on the continent, On penalties. Again. finally proves himself in his home country, guiding the Yorkshire side to their first league title in 11 In the Premier League, Sir Alex Ferguson signs off years. Chairman Peter Ridsdale tells journalists with a bang, beating Roma to win the Champions that he feels like he is, “living the dream,” and League and sealing Manchester United’s record does his best to ignore the threatening-looking fourth successive title. Pausing only to shout at envelopes on the doormat. Liverpool trot home a passing cloud and ban a nearby journalist from in third and Fulham, now managed by Graham the county of Lancashire, he retires to spend more Rix since Jean Tigana took the France job, pick up time with his horses and is replaced by Leeds the final Champions League place at the expense boss David O‘Leary. Fergie’s United finish 10 points of Arsenal. Gunners fans, however, are too busy ahead of Arsenal, largely due to new signing Ruud laughing at the relegation of Tottenham Hotspur van Nistelrooy’s astonishing record of 42 goals to care. Shamed Spurs boss Glenn Hoddle angrily in 54 games. Arsenal, whose season is derailed blames his players for sins committed in this and by the defection of Patrick Vieira to Barcelona in any other past lives and refuses to explain why a £38m deal, console themselves with the FA he thought re-signing Ruel Fox was a good idea. Cup. To the surprise of absolutely no-one, Arsene Down in south-east London, a chap by the name Wenger opts to keep the Vieira windfall, claiming, of Cherno Samba is scoring goals at the rate of 1.1 “it’s for a rainy day.” Elsewhere, a young forward a game for Millwall and elsewhere Southampton by the name of Tonton Zola Moukoko breaks into are relegated again, this time to the third flight. the Derby side, scoring seven goals in 12 games, Kenny Dalglish saves Charlton from the drop and Roma are the undisputed power on the continent. Southampton are relegated. Fabio Capello’s side, having lured in Luis Figo in the summer, leave their rivals in the dust in Serie If Vieira left in search of a league title, he was A and wallop Barcelona 4-1 in the Champions disappointed. Despite Patrick Kluivert’s 32-goal League final. At the start of the season Barca spend season, Real Madrid, who snaffle Francesco Totti £40m on Juventus pair Lilian Thuram and Gianluigi in a £37m deal in January, squeak home by a single Buffon, but Real Madrid snap up Rui Costa and point. In Italy, vanquished Champions League beat the Catalans to the title again. Patrick Vieira losers Roma do at least pip AC Milan to the Serie A kicks the club cat. Meanwhile in Scotland, Celtic title, thanks to 66 goals from Gabriel Batistuta and finish first and Rangers finish second. Vincenzo Montella. Meanwhile in Scotland, Celtic finish first and Rangers finish second. THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FM 031 2004 Revenge! In a replay of the 2002 World Cup Final, Still, Patrick Vieira’s happy. Barcelona clean Italy turn the tables on Portugal in the European up, winning the Champions League, La Liga, Championships and beat them 2-1 in Lisbon. It is the Spanish Cup and a prestigious Scrabble a feat all the more spectacular when you learn that tournament in Minorca where Frank de Boer drops Italian manager Giovanni Trapattoni retired two ‘quizzical’ over a triple word score. Javier Saviola days before the final and left his players to their and Patrick Kluivert hit 73 goals between them own devices. Now that’s hands-off management. as Real Madrid are beaten into third place behind England, by brutal contrast, lose all three group Valencia. In Italy, Roma nonchalantly pick up their games and Sven-Goran Eriksson is sacked. fourth consecutive Serie A title with an asset- stripped Juventus slumping into 12th. Meanwhile Still, it’s finally a good day to be David O’Leary! Never in Scotland, Celtic finish first and Rangers afraid to splash the cash, the Manchester United finish second. boss shells out for Jaap Stam, Zinedine Zidane and…er…Gary O’Neil. His spending spree pays off and he almost leads his team to an unprecedented domestic treble, winning the league and the FA Cup, but losing the League Cup to Louis van Gaal’s Newcastle. Liverpool finish second, despite the signings of Martin Keown, Gianluca Festa and Chris Perry, while Leeds and Arsenal finish third and fourth. Tottenham return to the Premier League at the first time of asking, led by bearded Australian David Mitchell whose madcap attacking 4-2-1-2-1 formation baffles the second flight into submission. Ruel Fox is crammed into a cardboard box and shipped to Miami. Cherno Samba is signed by Newcastle for £10m, while Ipswich lay out £5m for Tonton Zola Moukoko. Kenny Dalglish is sacked by Charlton, but pops up again at Aston Villa, while Southampton lose the play-off final and consign themselves to the third flight for a second season. FOOTBALL MANAGER STOLE MY LIFE 20 years of beautiful obsession 2005 Roma are back on top in Europe, snatching the Champions League from Barcelona’s tiny mitts MARK KERR and lifting it above their heads for the second time A fringe player at Leeds United, in three years. Fabio Capello’s side are making life Mark moved from Falkirk to Hibernian very dull indeed in Italy. There they seal their fifth in 2001, then to Sunderland in 2002 consecutive title having reversed the talent drain and finally to Elland Road in 2003. to Spain by buying Roberto Carlos and former A determined and cultured midfielder, Middlesbrough soul-glo poster boy Emerson, as Kerr has over 50 caps for Scotland and well as Juan Sebastian Veron who takes his leave is valued at £3.5m of Old Trafford after four glorious years. Veron’s departure does little to stem the flow of trophies. David O’Leary picks up his second WORLD PLAYER OF THE YEAR title in a row and credits his success to, “all the 2002 — Gabriel Batistuta (Roma) children everywhere,“ because, as he sagely adds, “the children are our future.“ Man Utd beat off 2003 — Vincenzo Montella (Roma) a determined challenge from Louis van Gaal’s 2004 — Javier Saviola (Barcelona) Newcastle whose 4-5-1 is spearheaded by Cherno 2005 — Hernan Crespo (Lazio) Samba to devastating effect. The former Millwall 2006 — Amoroso (Dortmund) man scores 21 goals and makes his debut for new England manager…er…Dave Jones, scoring twice. 2007 — Vincenzo Montella (Roma) Arsenal and Leeds make up the other Champions 2008 — Juan Sebastian Veron (Roma) League places, Kenny Dalglish’s Aston Villa are 2009 — Javier Saviola (Barcelona) relegated and poor old Southampton plummet into 2010 — Pablo Aimar (Arsenal) the fourth division. Tottenham, in a act of gross spitefulness, sack Mitchell after finishing 16th 2011 — To Madeira (Dortmund) in their first season back in the Premier League. They replace him with Dalglish. In Spain, Barcelona win La Liga again, despite not signing anyone for two years. Real Madrid, who MIKE DUFF have exercised no such discretion in the transfer A consistently excellent right-back, market having signed Alessandro Del Piero for it’s a wonder that 33-year-old Duff £28m, are runners-up.