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Family MATTERS A Guide to Parenting Family MATTERS A Guide to Parenting Copyright © 2000 by the Ackerman Institute for the Family All Rights Reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means without the prior written consent of the Publisher. These articles originally appeared in PARENTGUIDE, August 1996–August 2000. Special thanks to PARENTGUIDE for permission to reprint these articles. Note: All names and identifying situations in the articles have been changed. Family Matters Editorial Coordinator: Leslye Lynford Editor: Michele Spirn Editorial Production: Marie Francescani Design and Cover: AC Concept Graphics Printed in the United States of America Ackerman Institute for the Family 149 East 78th Street, New York, NY 10021 • Tel. 212 879-4900 www.ackerman.org Dedicated to the memory of Sondra Phelan Ackerman graduate, Board Member and member of the Unique Minds Program “They may rest from their labours; and their works do follow them.” Table of Contents Why Family Matters Peter Steinglass, M.D. .1 Cooperation We’re All In This Together David Kezur, M.S.W. .3 Making Your Marriage Work Peter Fraenkel, Ph.D. and Peggy Papp, M.S.W. .6 Teamwork: Fine-Tuning Your Parenting Mimi Meyers, M.S.W. .10 Taking Out The Garbage: Children and Chores Fiona True . .14 School Collaborating in the Classroom Howard Weiss, Ph.D. .18 Friends Forever Gene Gardino, M.S.W. .23 When Parents Help Make School Work Howard Weiss, Ph.D. .29 Holidays Celebrating The Family:The Importance of Rituals Evan Imber-Black, Ph.D. .34 Deck the Halls With What? Traditions in Transition Elana Katz, M.S.W. .38 Home Alone for the Holidays Mimi Meyers, M.S.W. .42 Has Mother’s Day Got You Down? Olga Silverstein, M.S.W. .46 Health Feeling Down Gloria R. Klein, M.S.W. .49 One Drink Too Many Peter Steinglass, M.D. .54 Life Goes On Peggy Penn, M.S.W. .59 When Mommy Has A Boo-Boo Barbara Russek, Psy.D. .63 Why Is Mommy So Sad? Peggy Papp, M.S.W. .67 Steering Kids Away from Drugs and Alcohol Sari Kutch, C.S.W. .71 When Children Get Hurt Zeev E. Neuwirth, M.D. .78 Money Pay Day Rachel Ackerman, M.S.W. and Jennifer Bassof Wilens, M.S.W. .82 Valuable Lessons Judith Stern Peck, M.S.W. .86 Divorce Fighting in Front of the Children Martha Edwards, Ph.D. .89 What To Tell Your Children About Divorce Evan Imber-Black, Ph.D. .94 Divided by Divorce Hilda Winawer, M.S.W. .98 Loyalty Dilemmas Marcia Sheinberg, M.S.W. .104 Stress The Time Crunch Peter Fraenkel, Ph.D. .107 Relax! Marcia Stern, Psy.D. .111 Life Issues Family Planning? Roberta Danza, C.S.W., APRN . .114 Temper, Temper, Temperament Marcia Stern, Psy. D. .120 Spiritual Awakenings Joe Rosenthal, Ph.D. .125 Chosen Origins Ronny Diamond, C.S.W. .128 Mixed Marriages Lascelles Black, M.S.W. .132 Angry Outbursts Marcia Stern, Psy. D. .136 Mirror, Mirror Margot Weinshel, M.S.W., R.N. .140 The Cycle of Life Margarita Tarragona, Ph.D. .145 WHY FAMILY MATTERS Peter Steinglass, M.D. Executive Director, Ackerman Institute for the Family FOR 40 YEARS, THE ACKERMAN INSTITUTE FOR THE FAMILY has been in the busi- ness of helping families achieve their potential. One of the major ways in which Ackerman serves metropolitan families is through its Treatment Center, the largest such clinic devoted exclusively to helping families. Innovative methods are used for clients with such issues as mourning, divorce, recovery from abuse, marital conflict, parenting problems, gender dilemmas and ill- ness. The Treatment Center has increased Ackerman’s renown as an institute where family matters. In 1997, PARENTGUIDE, a newspaper serving part of the New York com- munity, recognized the Ackerman Institute for the Family’s expertise by invit- ing the Institute to submit a monthly series of articles on parenting for publi- cation. Ackerman faculty, students and alumni contributed articles that addressed the problems of parenting today such as what to tell your children about divorce, how to reduce stress, how to celebrate holidays when parents have different traditions, how to collaborate with your child’s teachers and school-among many crucial topics. Such a response is in the Ackerman tradition. Ackerman faculty educate through workshops and presentations all over the world. There is an impres- sive list of journal publications covering decades of research and treatment, 1 Family Matters • Why Family Matters and extensive training workbooks for learning disabilities, families and AIDS, and the treatment of sexual abuse. The Institute’s bookcase currently displays twelve books authored or co-authored by Ackerman faculty. Clearly, Ackerman has a mission to share its knowledge with the local and larger com- munities. As we celebrate our 40th anniversary, therefore, it seems appropriate to gath- er these essays on family and publish them as a collection. The title of this col- lection, Family Matters, is the theme of the Institute. Family matters in all the work we do. And we believe that family matters, first and foremost, to all of us. 2 We’re All in This Together! How family therapy can strengthen familial bonds and interactions by David Kezur, M.S.W. “I’M AT MY WITS END,” said May Sinclair, a 28-year-old graphic artist. “Our four-year-old, Brian, is having temper tantrums. I’m exhausted from taking care of our new baby, Lena, and my husband, Pete, just explodes. He keeps yelling at Brian and almost hit him the other day. When I tried to calm him down, he slammed the door in my face and didn’t come home for hours. I’m on maternity leave now, but I have to go back to work in four months. I can’t leave things the way they are. I’m so depressed.” “I am out of control,” admitted Pete, a 30-year-old salesman. “Everything is happening at once. Brian whines or carries on all the time, and May just doesn’t seem to have any energy. We’re a family of four now instead of three, and we haven’t made the transition. We need help.” Their story is like many of those who come to the Ackerman Institute for the Family in New York City. Problems exist in all families, but when they persist over time, outside help may be needed to get the family back on track. Most families seek treatment after having failed to adjust to changing life circum- stances such as a birth, death, divorce or remarriage. For example, if a husband and wife develop problems within the first few months after having a baby, it may be because the couple has not yet shifted from being a twosome to a three- some. A young mother can become depressed when she does not feel she is 3 Family Matters • We’re All in This Together receiving enough support from her husband or family. A new father may feel neglected or jealous of all the time and attention his wife is giving to the baby. Families may also opt for therapy when a child is having trouble in school, temper problems at home or seems unusually sad or lonely. Tension and fight- ing between parents also have an effect on a child. Developed in the late 1950s, family therapy is based on the idea that when one member of a family experiences a problem, it usually affects other people in the family. While other therapists treat individuals, family therapists believe that families as a group have untapped strengths that can be used to solve var- ious problems. By including the family, treatment can be more time efficient and can help more family members. …family therapy can be more time efficient and help more family members… A family therapist is a person with an advanced degree in psychiatry, psy- chology or social work in addition to some special training in family therapy. Family therapists work both in agencies and in private practice. When inter- viewing a family, the therapist will ask questions to get a sense of the problem and how it affects everyone in the family. A family therapist pays attention to both the family’s problems and strengths. He or she helps the family develop a new understanding about the problem that brought them to therapy. Sometimes, just talking about the problem and seeing it in a different way can be enough. At times, the therapist makes suggestions or creates tasks to shift patterns in the family. Often, the problem can be solved in a few sessions. Length of therapy can be as few as three and as many as 20 sessions. The over- all goal is to help the family operate in a way that is more satisfying to the family members. In the Sinclairs’ case, the arrival of a younger sister affected Brian by mak- ing him upset and increasingly temperamental. Pete mistook Brian’s defiance for “babyish” whining. He criticized and punished Brian more than usual, thinking the boy needed discipline. Brian’s tantrums became worse. They affected May who became depressed because she felt helpless to deal with a new baby and change the situation. To help the Sinclairs, a good family therapist would concentrate on the fam- ily’s strengths, not their weaknesses. What have they been doing well? What 4 Family Matters • We’re All in This Together challenges have they successfully managed in the past? What would a hopeful future look like? In this case, the therapist met with the whole family during the first session to get an idea of how the family interacted.
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